Subaru Horror Theatre, Vol. 12 – F.U.C.K.S.

by | Jan 17, 2020 | Satire, Subaru Horror Theatre | 348 comments

 

“FUCKS!” the Subaru bellowed. “FUCKS!”

“Why won’t it shut up?!?” Sharon screamed in Ron’s face.

“Be quiet!” he said in an urgent whisper. “It might hear you.” The vendor booth they were hiding in shuddered as the Subaru stomped passed.

“I don’t care, I don’t care, I just want to go home!” she sobbed.

“Sharon!” he whispered. “Get ahold of yourself! Panicking is not going to help us.”

“Why did you make me come here? I hate cars. You know I hate cars!”

Ron took her by the shoulders and shook her until her teeth rattled. “Be quiet!” When she opened her mouth to say something, he slapped her and then slapped her again.

“Shut up!” he said.

She sniffled and held a hand to her face and glared at him, but she was quiet.

“FUCKS!” the Subaru roared. The sound was further away now, combined with ripping metal and shattering glass. He chanced a quick look over the table of the booth. It was raping a minivan. “FUCKS!” it groaned.

“It’s right by the main exit,” he told her, ducking back under the table.

“Wha-what about the other doors?” she asked in a quiet voice. Her eyes were angry and red and his handprint was blooming on her face.

“Dead bodies all around them,” he said.

“How are we going to get out?” Sharon asked.

“FUCKS!” the Subaru howled.

Screams. Ron looked over the table. Three people rushed the Subaru, hitting it with folding chairs. He saw it was a distraction. A group was rushing the main exit. The Subaru pulled itself out of the ruined minivan and dropped on all fours, crushing two of the attackers. It rolled over the third and began honking and raping and revving its engine.

“Mark!” a woman in the group screamed as she was dragged through the exhibition hall exit. The Subaru stood, its penis, glistening with motor oil and blood, dropped into a lower gear and rumbled. It waddled toward the exit doors. “FUCKS!” it screamed as it slammed into the doors.

Ron got back under the table.

“Why build something like that?” Sharon asked quietly.

“What?” he asked.

“Why build an electric blue Raparu with a four-speed manual penis?!?”

“FUCKS!” the Subaru rumbled. It mounted a hatchback and flipped its high-beams on and off in orgastic pleasure.

“We should run now, Sharon,” he told her calmly. “It’s away from the exit now.”

“I didn’t want to go to the car show, Ron,” she said.

“I know, but we have to go now,” he said.

“I bit my tongue when you shook me,” she said. She opened her mouth to show him.

“I’m going, I’m going now,” Ron said, standing up.

“He’s gonna FUCKS you,” she said.

“Goddamit, Sharon,” he said and vaulted over the vendor table. He ran, dodging car parts and dead booth girls and the abstract pieces of destroyed displays.

“FUCKS,” the Subaru screeched. It reared back and ripped the hatchback door off. It dropped back down to all four wheels and raced toward him, the still-deployed penis digging a furrow in the cheap industrial carpet of the exhibition hall.

Ron didn’t make it.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

348 Comments

  1. Spudalicious

    Brilliant, just brilliant.

  2. hayeksplosives

    You are a gifted maniac.

  3. Yusef drives a Kia

    That had to be intentional….
    Great Work! SF!

  4. Sean

    Raparu

    OMG.

  5. commodious spittoon

    Oooh, this reminds me. I missed this week’s H&H. DOUBLE FEATURE!

    • commodious spittoon

      “I’m too dry from all my tears,” she said, pulling away from him with a Velcro noise.

      That may have been too much SF in one sitting.

    • Count Potato

      I need to catch up on my H&H reading.

  6. kinnath

    I am so glad we are a Nissan-only household now.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      KIA KIA KIA! Forever!

      • Swiss Servator

        *looks at 2015 Optima*

        *high fives*

      • Gustave Lytton

        Too soon!

  7. Tulip

    The inside of your head must be a scary place. I like it.

    • Swiss Servator

      If you ever met SF in real life…a sweetheart. A real polite and smooth and wonderful gentleman of distinction and taste. I think he vents the bad things here..sorry about that. Wait…not sorry. HAHAHAHAHA.

      • SugarFree

        I see that no one believes you. My persona is intact.

      • Swiss Servator

        In light of your writings…I am not sure I remember things correctly.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Its true. He wears cargo shorts.

  8. Tres Cool

    Genius!

  9. Tres Cool

    ““Why won’t it shut up?!?” Sharon screamed in Ron’s face.”

    Having just been in Meijer when Jugsy had a panic attack…I kinda know how Ron felt.

    • Swiss Servator

      Um…how does a bland place like Meijer cause a panic attack? I remember being in one about month after coming back from Afghanistan and having a mood crash there…but the rotisserie chicken didn’t cause that!

  10. DEG

    “Why build an electric blue Raparu with a four-speed manual penis?!?”

    Some people just want to watch the world burn.

    • Not Adahn

      Goddammit! I was going to quote that line!

      • DEG

        🙂

    • STEVE SMITH

      BURN? SOME JUST WANT SEE WORLD RAPED!

    • creech

      This is why I don’t feel sorry for the billionaire who got dumped by Rihanna or any other rich dude who loses his gf or wife. Most of these women pictured are probably available to any good looking (or not so good looking) dude with money to burn on them.

    • DEG

      I like #4 and #20.

      #5 looks crazy.

      #18 kinda reminds me of Angela White, but she isn’t.

    • Spudalicious

      17 is working for me tonight.

    • Festus

      #4

    • MikeS

      #28 looks like a pleasant person. Honest. She just looks like a friendly, nice, sweet girl.

    • Chafed

      Is #1 Demi Rose? I blame Count Potato for knowing enough to ask.

  11. Fourscore

    I am deeply concerned as to the fate of Sharon. She has been left alone, crying, crying, CRYING.

    Ron the Randian, only looking out for himself but falling prey to something more sinister.

    SF, you did it again. We are lucky? to have you.

    • Spudalicious

      Sharon gave herself to the Subaru, and he let her awkwardly walk away afterwords.

      • Spudalicious

        *golf clap*

      • STEVE SMITH

        STEVE SMITH NO UNDERSTAND…HIM…OH, WAIT… THAT GOOD ONE!

      • SugarFree

        Very, very nice.

  12. Q Continuum

    So… when can I buy one?

  13. Mojeaux

    *1,000-yard stare*

    • MikeS

      At that distance you have maybe 30 seconds before the Raparu “deflowers” you.

      • Mojeaux

        Or to find a hiding place.

      • Q Continuum

        Hiding G-spot?

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Its like the 20 foot rule for knives.

    • Swiss Servator

      *peers intently*

      …mmmm. Almost. Not quite the “a shitload of mortar rounds got dropped on me” look we are seeking. But darned close.

  14. MikeS

    Sharon sounds HAWT. Ron sounds like a douche.

    Also; happy birthday to America’s sweetheart mother grandmother great-grandmother, Betty White. ?

    • Rhywun

      She is a treasure. 98 freakin’ years old.

  15. SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

    electric blue Raparu with a four-speed manual penis

    Doomcock origin story?

  16. Q Continuum

    Question:

    What are the advantages of a manual vs. an automatic penis?

    • MikeS

      If you have to ask, you obviously don’t have the right one.

      • Fourscore

        Until about age 30 they are all automatic, then afterwards some need a little work and have to shifted occasionally manually.

      • Sean

        I guess they build them better nowadays…

      • hayeksplosives

        LOL!

        Manual shift can be half the fun.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      You can put it in low gear and feather the throttle in the slippery situations, or you can gun it to get into and out of a tight spot.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Cruise control…

  17. Rhywun

    It was raping a minivan.

    LOL

    • SugarFree

      thicc

  18. DrOtto

    SUBARU SMITH

      • MikeS

        Do. It.

    • commodious spittoon

      SUBARU SMITH HIDE GHOSN IN CAPACIOUS, ROOMY INTERIOR

      WAIT, SUBARU SMITH HIDE IN GHOSN’S CAPACIOUS, ROOMY INTERIOR

  19. Festus

    “…honking and raping and revving its engine.” Bravo, SF!

  20. Mojeaux

    the still-deployed penis digging a furrow into the cheap industrial carpet

    reminded me of this.

    • Mojeaux

      ^^^ Above link NSFW.

      • DEG

        Not quite auto-erotic asphyxiation I think.

      • Not Adahn

        I didn’t think youtube allowed titties.

    • Lackadaisical

      Huh, I always thought YouTube was strictly sfw, or at least, no nudity.

      • Rhywun

        I get “please sign in”. I’ll check it out on nsfwyoutube later.

      • Rhywun

        Well, that was pleasant.

      • Mojeaux

        Right?!

    • Count Potato

      Who is the redhead?

      • Mojeaux

        Some random waitress Gyp picked up from a diner.

        The actress, I have no idea.

      • commodious spittoon

        Is this what you chicks like? Wanton violence against women? Whatever happened to PG sensibilities?!

      • Mojeaux

        Everything was going okay before Bugsy Siegel burst in.

    • westernsloper

      What’s with her hair? Did she rub her head on the carpet before going on the air?

  21. mikey

    When I first read the article i knew SF would have to use it for insiration. I wondered what form it would take. I needent have worried. He got it all in – our Subaru Couple, the car show location from the article, the Subaru FUCKS and even STEVE SMITH. All in expertly-crafted bad taste.

    Maybe Mo could use this as an example of how to market a book.

  22. mikey

    While we’re on the subject.
    Am I the only one that pronounces the big “TRD” that Toyta puts on the sides of their pickups?
    I always wondered how that got by marketing.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Hah! I’ll never forget it now…

    • Florida Man

      …fuck. My Tacoma has TRD badging all over it. I spent yesterday shaving the chrome badges and putting black emblems on to match my new black TRD 17’s. Today I did black step bars and grill. Tomorrow is black steel bumper and changing the control arm bushings.

      • Spudalicious

        That was better than mine. Well done, sir.

      • Florida Man

        *slow clap*

        You’re on fire tonight.

      • Spudalicious

        What a TRD.

      • SugarFree

        Tacomas are fucking perverts, dude.

    • Plinker762

      Ever since the first one I saw.

      Of course I always read “Yusef drives a Killed in Action”

  23. LCDR_Fish

    In terms of some of the China discussions a few nights ago – I think in the early 00’s, there was an apparently realistic assumption that the market exposure was working for a while. Listening to ADVChina, etc – it sounds like things were going pretty well for a while – but it’s been much more recently that things changed significantly for the worse. It’s a weird situation in some ways…but I think there were positive indications before the CCP decided that things were going too far. And clearly the pendulum has swung way in the opposite direction now.

    • Rhywun

      Technology has finally caught up with the commies’ aspirations and the latest thug is taking full advantage of it. “Things going well” was always for party insiders only and that just to keep them in line.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I think it was far larger than just party insiders.

        Post 1989, I think the ChiComs were willing to allow loosening in most areas except politics, and worked to make sure that wouldn’t happen again. As a result, when the strings got tightened, there was no real opposition and easy to stoke nationalism as a distraction. The other part of crony state managed capitalism was widespread graft and corruption that allowed hard liners such as Pooh Bear to appear to clamp down on it and go after whoever they felt threatened them or their policies.

      • Rhywun

        Yeah, you’re right. I’m not giving them enough credit for allowing lots of proles to benefit too. Not like it’s out of any principle other than maintaining “order”.

  24. westernsloper

    *Standing ovation* for the home page image. Stick man fucking things needs to make a comeback. Not to leave out the story……..Sweet jebus SF is a brilliant sick mind. I love it!

    • Swiss Servator

      It is…difficult, to reconcile the writings and the man.

      • westernsloper

        I imagine that is the case for most of us. Or at least I hope that is the case. Being semi-functionaly polite in public and not speaking of rapetastic things is usually the way to go in my experience.

      • Brochettaward

        I refuse to conform to normie society.

      • MikeS

        ^ This ^

        It is certainly the case with me. Many things I say here I’d only say to a very small handful of real-life friends. I assume the same goes for a large share of Glibs.

      • Spudalicious

        Fuck you.

      • MikeS

        Speaking of a small handful…

      • Spudalicious

        I concur with your sentiments. I think a lot of things that never come out of my mouth. And you’re going to need both hands.

      • MikeS

        One for my glass of whiskey and one to hand you yours.

        ??

      • Spudalicious

        Works!

  25. commodious spittoon

    Jamie Stewart blended scotch tonight. It’s worth every penny of the three dollar discount.

  26. Vacuous

    Thanks trshmnstr for linking to the Thresholds of Violence article earlier this week. It was insightful to me.

    • Count Potato

      ” On the day of the attack, he would start with a .22-calibre rifle and move on to a shotgun, in order to prove that high-capacity assault-style rifles were unnecessary for an effective school attack.”

      Huh.

    • Mojeaux

      Just read this.

      Whoa. Just…whoa.

      • Brochettaward

        We need a return to a simpler time when sociopaths just quietly killed prostitutes and hitchhikers.

      • Mojeaux

        *eyeballs Brochettaward’s avatar*

      • MikeS

        It is pretty sexy.

      • Rhywun

        You go, girl.

  27. one true athena

    lol. Very nice.

    I have to admit the Subaru pavilion at the LA Auto Show was beautifully designed. It was made to look like a bit of some national park with trees, rocks, benches, signage, a ranger’s cabin above it, and “water” flowing down the middle (a big tv screen underfoot). It made all the rest of the sets look so boring.

  28. Mojeaux

    @Q I JUST now saw your link to the “Looking Masculine” article (which led me down a rabbit hole).

    Thank you!

    Yes, absolutely everything she said and yes, absolutely, this is why women like romance novels, even when they’re trying to convince their lefty friends that it’s not what it sounds like. And some feminists, well…romance novels are their dirty little secret.

    • Florida Man

      I’ll never understand women and that makes me happy, because the world should have mysteries.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Women are easy, PITA
        /Love them

      • DEG

        I’ve seen the book “Everything I Know About Women” which has only blank pages.

        The problem is, my copy doesn’t even have pages.

        OK, I’ll stop making bad jokes.

    • commodious spittoon

      You always make me think of Randy’s (ex) girlfriend with the hidden stash of bodice rippers in the basement. And that’s what I appreciates about you, Mojeaux.

      • Mojeaux

        HIDDEN?!?!?!

        DaFuq?!

        😉

      • commodious spittoon

        You can’t have it sitting on your bookshelf when your pilates instructor comes over, surely.

      • Mojeaux

        It? As in, just ONE?

        Good heavens, man, I’m a romance novelist. If I can’t have a library of them on my shelves without shame, who can?!

        (Okay, i don’t have that many romance novels on my shelves because they’re all on my hard drive. That is not a statement of shame.)

      • commodious spittoon

        Mojeaux introduces her “interviewer” to her room of fun.

        Mojeaux: *unlocks door* This is where the fun occurs.

        Interviewer hot stuff: Th–the fun?

        *door opens to reveal bookshelves of romance novels*

    • Q Continuum

      Feminists are such secretly miserable people when it comes to romance I almost… *almost*… feel sorry for them. You’ve been told all your life that you are supposed to be attracted to a certain kind of man. So you turn the world inside out and tie yourself in knots to try and align with that; all the while knowing deep down that you are attracted to what you’ve been told is “toxic”. It must be very lonely.

      • Brochettaward

        And as Bernie said, most have gang rape fantasies they have to sort through.

  29. robc

    I see Klopp is whining about schedules again…this time Africa Nations Cup.

    • Rhywun

      LOL Everton fans SMDH…

    • Rhywun

      So I looked it up and he’s not wrong. There are too many freaking competitions that nobody gives a shit about. OTOH I like Africa Nations Cup but rescheduling it into the middle of the Euro season and taking many of the best players away for weeks? He’s absolutely right to bitch about that.

      It’s the shit that kills MLS.

      Can you imagine any other American sports league putting up with that crap?

      • Rhywun

        *the same shit that kills MLS (with constantly pulling players off to play around the world)

      • robc

        It has always been then, last year was the exception. So he is whining about something teams have been dealing with for years.

        And of he thinks the world club cup is cluttering the schedule (and I agree), then dont play in it.

        And every nation that plays thru the summer has to work around the world cup and etc, MLS isnt the only one.

      • Rhywun

        Every manager complains about this stuff. Klopp makes the news because Klopp.

      • robc

        Exactly, he is a whiner. Every manager has the same complaints, they just dont make a deal about it.

      • robc

        Was it Arsenal that had to play 4 games the last week, sometime about a decade back, due to rescheduling?

        If that happened to Liverpool, Klopp would explode.

      • Rhywun

        LOL not what I said but OK.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Mattea>Napolitano, IMO

      • westernsloper

        I see geese every day but the other day was a new one. I was filling my tank at a gas station and I heard a BLAM BLAM BLAM so loud I actually ducked and looked around. Then a goose herd flew overhead in a hurry and I realized it was just some hunters on the abandoned gravel pits across the road. Made me chuckle.

      • Swiss Servator

        ALL HATE BIRDS MUST DIE!

      • Tundra

        I’ve killed my share. Unfortunately the damn things are disgusting to eat, too!

      • Spudalicious

        Goose breast pastrami is the schnizzle. As is goose thighs braised carnitas style and put in tacos.

      • westernsloper
      • Tundra

        Canada geese? Are you kidding me?

      • Spudalicious

        “Canada geese? Are you kidding me?”

        Nope. People that can’t make goose taste good are inherently lazy. 😛

        And the meat is a great replacement for sausage recipes that call for beef.

      • Tundra

        Yes, because it’s so damn hard to get beef and pork. 😉

      • Spudalicious

        “Hunting is cruel, please pass the roast beef.”

      • commodious spittoon

        I like watching the geese fly overhead to their new abodes in wherever the fuck south the go. Everyone always says Mexico, I assume they’re lazy and they bailed out before Cruces.

      • Spudalicious

        They’ll go all the way to South America.

      • commodious spittoon

        Whelp. The Commuter is the dumbest thing I’ve seen all year, including politics. Nancy Pelosi’s pen brigade couldn’t out-dumb this piece of shit. It’s like leftist political activism was dredged up from its various drains and siphoned into a beaker. And the beaker was stoppered by Liam Nissan. Jesus fucking Christ this movie is dumb, dumb, dumb, from it’s incomprehensible film student intro to its potentially Phone Booth ending. Except instead of phone booth, instead of The Fugitive, it’s just… dumb, dumb, dumb.

  30. Yusef drives a Kia

    AaaaaGHH! I did it again….
    /I miss my Wendy

  31. robc

    Was it Arsenal that had to play 4 games the last week, sometime about a decade back, due to rescheduling?

    If that happened to Liverpool, Klopp would explode.

    • robc

      Not sure how that double post happened.

  32. Tundra

    I didn’t know exactly what it would be, but I knew you would deliver.

    Absolutely fantastic.

  33. Mojeaux

    So, ebooks. I have been using a bookmarklet for years that will turn any web article into an EPUB file for later reading. I have hundreds of these things and they are very handy.

    I will share. https://dotepub.com/

    • Gender Traitor

      I want to do that with your ebook article. Should I uncheck the “immersive mode” so I don’t lose the images?

      • Mojeaux

        I think the labels immersive and non-immersive are counter-intuitive. If you want to keep all the images and links click non-imm.

      • Gender Traitor

        Got it, but although I think it tried to retrieve them, it didn’t save the screen shots. I have the page bookmarked anyway.

  34. Gender Traitor

    Dammit, these SHT posts usually go up at noon, in broad daylight.

    ::peers out window at two Subarus in driveway::

    • Rhywun

      Maybe they’ll keep each other sated.

    • Tundra

      You can sell them, you know.

      Volvos won’t kill you.

  35. straffinrun

    Her eyes were angry and red and his handprint was blooming on her face.

    SF shows his literary chops. That’s blooming excellent.

    • westernsloper

      I got ten bucks he is a successful published writer under another name that we will never know.

      • straffinrun

        I wouldn’t bet against it. The imagery in that line alone is killer.

      • Jarflax

        I’m starting the rumor that he is Jordan Peterson. TPTB all talk about how polite and charming he is, and it would be hilarious if someone like Peterson dealt with his demons by unleashing them here.

  36. Mojeaux

    I fear for any nearby Volkswagen Beetles, vulnerable little things.

    Like a wolf on a bunny rabbit.

    • straffinrun

      Beetle convertible, Super Beetle, Rabbit, Scirocco, Vanagon. My first 5 vehicles. SF touches my beloved VWs and it’s duel at dawn. The new beetle is fair game, though.

      • Tundra

        1974 Super Beetle
        1984 Scirocco
        1989 Cabrio
        1998 Passat
        2007 Jetta
        2015 Passat
        2005 Beetle

        We’ve bought a few VWs, too.

        I’ve got your back, straff.

      • straffinrun

        The Beetles were crazy good in the snow. That rear engine weight…

      • Mojeaux

        Can confirm.

      • straffinrun

        Oh, and how could I forget my favorite one of all? 74 fastback.

      • Gustave Lytton

        My mom had a Rabbit when I was a kid.

        My wife’s current car is a Jetta TDI wagon. She’s not fond of it, but it’s really a decent car.

      • Mojeaux

        I “learned” “stick” on a 1972 or 1973 Superbeetle with the short-lived automatic clutch. I loved that little car.

      • straffinrun

        Can’t find it, grind it. Something all young men should learn. 😉

      • Mojeaux

        LOL

        I REALLY learned how to drive a manual transmission on a motorcycle. That was an adventure.

      • straffinrun

        Dad took me to take my driving test on my 16th birthday. I went out for the test with the instructor and came back in 3 minutes late. Dad asks, “What’s the matter?” “I forgot to push the clutch before turning the key.” Failed the test in the fastest possible time.

      • Tundra

        I learned at 11 on an old Dodge farm truck. Three on the tree!

        Poor kids today, never experiencing that terror/euphoria!

      • straffinrun

        Ever drive a Studebaker pickup? My dad had one and I couldn’t drive that to save my life.

      • Tundra

        Never, but now I’m intrigued.

        Was it a mile-long clutch travel?

      • straffinrun

        I’m not kidding. No idea. Just remember it looked like something in a backhoe.

      • westernsloper

        Three on the tree here too. Also floor shift GMC at the age of 13. Also later in life drove a 72 Westfalia from Key West were I bought it to Washington state. Now that was a road trip! Had to get the father in law to braze a new rod to the bottom of the gas pedal in Illinois so it would go over 45 mph. He was a good man and let me park that abomination of a great vehicle in his farmhouse driveway.

      • Tundra

        Lol.

        Over 45 was a challenge for all the old VWs!

      • Spudalicious

        Shouldn’t that be I learned stick “in” a 1972, or 1973 Superbeetle?

      • Mojeaux

        Um…yes?

        *sticks another pin IN a potato*

      • Spudalicious

        Dammit!

      • Gustave Lytton

        The New Beetle or the newest Porsche-esq Beetle?

      • straffinrun

        Convertible was a 65. You know, the car with the sweetest bumpers of all time.

      • JD is Unemployed

        I always thought of VWs as a kind of ironic statement, like, “I want the world to know I don’t give a flying fuck about cars but gosh darn it I sort of need/want to have one”.

        I don’t know about the US but the VW “scene” in the UK is dreadful. It’s morphed from being a clunky old economy vehicle to a lifestyle accessory brand for dopes, with rising prices to match. Commisioned by Hitler, designed by a treasonous turncoat, and driven by commies, Ted Bundy, and now people who can’t wear a hat properly and run some sort of tshirt and sticker “business” from their instaface pages. Offbrand Chinese coilovers, pot metal wheels that don’t fit, stretched budget tyres. Ew.

        Ein Fuhrer, ein Reich, ein Auto.

        *Stares into the distance with a stony expression*

        And I though we put that shit in the cold, cold ground over seventy years ago.

        *Spits, turns, and walks away*

      • straffinrun

        Cheap, easy to get used parts, easy to repair yourself. That’s all I cared about.

      • JD is Unemployed

        I’m still equating you with Ted Bundy and Hitler.

        *Steely gaze*

      • straffinrun

        *Throws JD a fiver* There’s enough meat on those drums to grind them down. *Installs shoes*

      • Tundra

        I’m laughing thinking about all the youngsters who have no idea wtf any of that means.

      • JD is Unemployed

        I’m still driving a car with drums on the rear axle. If it ain’t broke. I’ve been putting off the brake service it will shortly be absolutely needing. Assuming you were talking about that, and not a special VW thing to which I am not hip.

      • Tundra

        Yep. You got it.

        Still, drums are incredibly easy and cheap to service.

        Like Winstons’s Mom!

      • straffinrun

        That squealing you hear isn’t coming from the brakes.

      • Mojeaux

        Show me on the doll where the Beetle touched you.

      • MikeS

        *spits and runs to catch up with JD*

    • Tundra

      They aren’t vulnerable, Mo. Just remember who commissioned them.

      • Mojeaux

        The guy who lost the war and killed himself before he was captured? That guy?

      • Tundra

        That guy.

        His cars are still everywhere.

    • Jarflax

      MIatas. Miatas are the pretty innocent things of the car world.

      • Mojeaux

        Miata = Ginger

        Beetle = Mary Ann

      • Jarflax

        Miatas aren’t fast enough to be Ginger.

      • Tundra

        Dude. It’s not the speed, it’s the handling.

        IYKWIM…

      • Jarflax

        And that is Mary Ann. Ginger is all instability, speed, and marketing. Ginger is a 911, she’ll give you a hell of a ride and then leave you broken in a ditch.

      • JD is Unemployed

        *nods in agreement*

        I have one in many pieces lacking paint.

  37. JD is Unemployed

    What sort of mystical force holds the Penguins to a 1-1 draw with the Red Wings in regulation time? I was so sure that would be like shooting inanimate novelty oversized fish in barrel. PPG in OT just seems like a hollow victory when it had to come to that vs Derptroit.

    • Tundra

      That’s hockey, JD. One game means nothing.

      Until the end.

      • JD is Unemployed

        I know, I know. Goram it.

      • Spudalicious

        This one wants my attention.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Hmmm,

      • westernsloper

        Holy Moly……that girl would tip over if she bent down to pick something up off the floor.

      • Q Continuum

        My kind of lady.

      • Chafed

        . Something in those eyes tells me she will cut you.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        That second girl looks like she probably suffers from back issues

  38. Vacuous

    Spring semester started on Monday. Most of my classes are related to statistics and data science. I’m happy to finally be studying something useful that I will use in my career. These applied courses are easier to understand and less stressful. I felt like I found the limit of my intellectual capacity studying abstract algebra and topology.

    • Tundra

      Cool, Vacuous.

      If it’s not tmi, where are you studying and what’s the target degree?

      • Vacuous

        Masters in Math. Will graduate in May, then I’ll be looking for a job in finance or data science.

      • Tundra

        Excellent.

        You smart kids make me happy. I hope that job is in NHL analytics and you can help the Wild be something other than mediocre.

        Good luck!

    • mikey

      I was wondering about the other day. Some of these folds could be the grandchildren of the first group.

    • Rhywun

      Good grief. The article doesn’t exactly do a good job of explaining what the hell we’re doing there. “Protecting community and country”?!

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Of all our unnecessary conflicts, Kosovo is in a class of its own.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Bosnia II: Electric Quagmiraloo

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I’m Colored, Red…

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Better a fake Red than president instead

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I’m a Ginger, age has turned me transparent,
        Awesome look

      • Mojeaux

        Gingers turn white, not gray or silver.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        See through FTW!

      • Mojeaux

        You may be see-through, but I’m glow-in-the-dark.

      • Rhywun

        Nice. I wish I had white hair instead of yellowy gray.

    • creech

      Bernie ought to demand she release a copy of her application for the position at Harvard Law. It is not probable that Harvard just decided out of nowhere to claim she was a colored woman.

      • Rhywun

        You can be sure Trump will, if it comes to that.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Would Hahvahd carry water for her and claim it can’t find a copy of the original application if she also joined in demanding that it be released?

      • KSuellington

        I find it hilarious that she claims she got no benefit from claiming to be a NA. That’s just patently ridiculous. Is she claiming that there is no such thing as Affirmative Action?

    • mikey

      In 1996 would it have been alright to call her a “colored lady”?z

    • grrizzly

      The real issue seems to be her connection to the Federalist Society.

  39. MikeS

    My wife got done with jury duty on a murder case today. I was very jealous of her experience at first, but one thing I never considered; she was a bit verklempt afterwards. She knew they did the right thing (manslaughter conviction) but the emotion of being “responsible” for sending someone to jail for a decade-ish really bothered her.

    • Mojeaux

      🙁 I’m sorry.

    • Tundra

      Shouldn’t it bother her? I would hope that all the jurors keep in mind they are helping to stuff someone in a rape-cage

      • MikeS

        Absolutely it should. The emotion of it just caught her (and me) off guard since as near as either of can tell, they made the absolutely correct decision.

      • Tundra

        Everyone wants to shirk jury duty. If I ever end up on the wrong end of a prosecution, I’ll pray to have You People on the jury.

    • Spudalicious

      I’m sorry she has to go through the emotional trauma, but I’m glad she cared enough that she did.

    • Don Escaped Bloomington

      Not criticizing a decent person with sincere feelings, but

      fewer victims is a good thing, so separating some folks from the herd is just fine

      When did the consequences of guilt become more compelling than the plight of the innocent? I’m not rationalizing the condition of our justice system, but, even weighing what a cesspool it is, imprisoning someone is simply self-defense: it would be ethical to kill him to save the innocent; it’s probably ethical to condemn him to a decade of torture than to risk someone’s child, grandmother, whomever becoming his next victim.

      I say man up and take your medicine: we need more single-minded focus. A dog runs out in front of your car: you plow him. Thump thump: buzzard chow. Too bad. Or jerk the wheel and flip your car and hurt a passenger or level a pedestrian . . . . over a dog. Good choices often have unhappy residues.

      My thanks to the jury.

      • MikeS

        Not criticizing a decent person with sincere feelings, but

        *Proceeds to do just that*

        She was emotional after the fact. But she did her duty. In fact, she was actually arguing with a holdout who wanted to convict on a lesser charge. I don’t know how you make the leap that being emotional about a decision makes one incapable of making that decision. Some people (apparently like you) can make life changing decisions without emotion. Other, more empathetic people can not, but that doesn’t mean they can’t make the hard choices.

        People are different. Dog bites man. News at 11.

  40. Tundra

    So, we finished season 2 of Jack Ryan tonight. I know it’s been widely panned here, but it was interesting to me that Spawn 2 made many comments about socialism, mass graves and top men.

    Why did y’all hate it so much?

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      – Ham-handed recon of “best friend evar!” senator in ep. 1
      – “oh, you slept with a foreign agent and left a bunch of material just laying out? Ha-ha, what a scamp!”

      I punched out midway through episode 3 – just had the “I don’t care about any of these characters, even a little” moment (that’s usually when I give up on a show)

      • Tundra

        I get it. All these shows are ham-handed.

        I’m a simple man. Just kill the bad guys!

    • westernsloper

      I haven’t watched just saw local reviews here that said it went all SJW. Did you not find it so?

      • Tundra

        No. I just enjoyed the commie-killing.

      • westernsloper

        I’m a fan of commie killing. perhaps I will give it a go.

  41. grrizzly

    The Unbearable Dirtiness of CNN

    In 2015 I traveled to Atlanta and visited the CNN Studio. Those were innocent times, sure CNN was totally biased but it never occurred to me to contemplate exactly where I’d put CNN in the range between Goebbels’s Propaganda Ministry and the Soviet media. So, I bought a souvenir CNN mug, which looked impressive despite being cheap. It is black or dark grey. For years I was drinking coffee from it in my office. I had no problem ridiculing CNN while sipping coffee from my CNN mug, some of my coworkers even noticed this, but I didn’t care. I was not going to trash a good coffee mug. However, lately I brought this mug home. Today the mug was washed in a dishwasher and when I was unloading the dishwasher I noticed that my fingers were leaving dirty stains on everything. The culprit was the CNN mug. How did it happen? It wasn’t even the first time I had it in the dishwasher. Nothing like that happened with any other dishes I owned. Is it the intrinsic CNN dirt that cannot be washed away?

    • Spudalicious

      Damn. How’s that for a metaphor?

    • straffinrun

      It was CNN that was giving you the shits and not the coffee?

  42. Mojeaux

    *headdesk*

    Husband and son at loggerheads. Oy.

    *headdesk*

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Ahh youth, thank God they go away, eventually, (27?)

    • Spudalicious

      Not at all. You can stay out of it.

      • Mojeaux

        Staying out of it doesn’t make the ruckus go away.

      • Spudalicious

        Yeah, but you don’t have to be a part of it.

      • Mojeaux

        I’m trying to say that I am NOT part of it. I am clear across the house, but I can still hear.

      • Spudalicious

        Headphones, eyes closed, deep breathing.

      • Chafed

        Perhaps it’s time for a late night grocery run.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      What?

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I’m all for looking at the other viewpoint but what the fuckis that viewpoint?

      • Tundra

        The Iranian government has no idea wtf is going on.

    • MikeS

      Pretty good tweet, I’d say. Or am I missing something?

      • Mojeaux

        Agreed.

      • CPRM

        Throw them ‘arab spring’ wannabe’s under the bus, like the light bringer, or you’re racist and shit.

      • Gustave Lytton

        That’s what I see too. Not just a vague statement of support, but saying make Iran great again. Basically, MAGA is open to every country.

    • KSuellington

      MIGA, please.

    • Rhywun

      I can’t stand that flowery language our Iranian friends (and others in the area) always use. “Venomous daggers”? GTFO.

    • straffinrun

      Every Twitter account looks like parody now. Especially that one.

  43. CPRM

    In my director’s eye, I see this mixed with STEVE SMITH and this.

    • Rhywun

      Did you see the FBI bragging about it this morning?

      • Tundra

        Missed it.

        Thank God.

      • Rhywun

        The twitterati ripped them apart for it, thank zod.

      • Rhywun
    • MikeS

      Take aways from the CNN article;

      Christians are horrible for being anti-alcohol as well as anti-immigrant.
      Woodrow Wilson was a good man and did everything he could to stop Prohibition
      FDR was a great man for stopping Prohibition and giving the government coffers all that sweet liquor tax money
      Zero parallels are noted between the War on Alcohol™ and the War on Drugs™.

    • CPRM

      Al Capone used to come up this area, because the drinking never stopped. A good place to get product.

      • MikeS

        There was a distribution route that came all the way up to East Grand Forks, MN and Capone people were up here often (and occasionally Capone himself according to rumors).

      • CPRM

        Capone’s “Lady in Blue” that gave him up was from my area. Like I said, he’s said to have spent a lot of time here. When we watched an old outdated film on Capone in HS it was so damn funny, the narrator was talking about ‘treacherous mountain roads’; yeah, we got roads that are treacherous, but no damn mountains.

      • Mojeaux

        Capone was not in Kansas City at all.

        He came once.

        He was politely told to keep his ass out of Kansas City.

        So he did.

    • Mojeaux

      Well, hey, it gave us organized crime.

      That’s good, right?

      Right?

      Um…

      • straffinrun

        The criminals responsible for more deaths, The mob during prohibition or the govt for outlawing it?

      • Mojeaux

        Yes.

      • westernsloper

        That was my thought. We talking the FBI here or the booze runners?

      • mikey

        Was it the FBI doing the poisoning?

      • Mojeaux

        Yes. They were denaturing the alcohol.

      • Jarflax

        Denaturing is such a lovely example of doublespeak. Forcing distillers to adulterate rubbing alcohol with poison in order to kill anyone who disobeyed the law is up there in the annals of evil. Oddly I am named after a man (from your neck of the woods Mojo) who was a major opponent of Prohibition. (and the League of Nations).

      • Mojeaux

        Okay, help me out because I know your name but I’m not making a connection.

  44. Tulip

    I have finalized the recipe for this weekend. The cake will have dulce de leche and browned butter, then banana jam and toasted pecans between the layers, covered with a browned butter ermine frosting and chocolate curls plus chopped pecans. I think it will go over well

    • Mojeaux

      Take pictures!

      • Tulip

        I will

    • Rhywun

      You should be on one of those cake shows.

      LOL I made a website once for a friend of a friend who competed on one of those. He didn’t make it very far. Nice guy in real life but way too sardonic for television.

  45. CPRM

    So, I’ve been using indeed to apply for jobs, and what they do sometimes is send you a job recommendation based on your CV cloaked as a real job offer. This week for some reason I got one of those to run a saw at sawmill and another to be an optician. if this is the level of AI out there, we’re far away from the robot overthrow.

    • westernsloper

      We are hiring where I work. Can you drive a tractor, lift heavy things, tolerate and or like rodeo and are willing to relocate? (I know your other qualifications)

      • CPRM

        willing to relocate

        Fuck no. Spent the last 20 making sure my property will stay if not with me then in the family, not going to let that go to waste. But I am willing to commute.

      • westernsloper

        That’s a long commute. Private jet?

      • CPRM

        What’s it matter long as I get there. This really is something that pissed me off <> Ok, I might not live in your city, but I can be there as fast or faster than people that do live in your fucking city (well, not in this instance, buy when I’m applying around here). Their employees that live in the city generally have a 30 minute commute, and I can be there in 45 mins. No fucking problem. I used to commute 90 minutes a day to get my bachelors, when I wasn’t even getting paid. Fuck off now! I’m drunk.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Reminds me a dickhead hiring manager that wouldn’t hire someone because they felt they lived too far away to respond after hours. To the point of actually driving the distance himself. I just rolled my eyes inside. If it was really “too far”, the new hire would figure it out soon enough themselves driving it five days a week. Did I mention the hiring manager was a dickhead? Not just that instance.

    • LJW

      I still wonder which is worse, job board site AI or HR recruiters. I’d been looking the past few years. Several times I was been contacted by HR reps from companies wanting to interview for jobs that I wasn’t qualified for. It wasn’t even a grey area regarding the qualifications. Then there was the instance of a recruiter contacting me for a job in which my wife was the hiring manager. We have a very unique last name, apparently she didn’t put it together.

      • Rhywun

        I’m in the hunt again. Tons of bites from independent recruiters. I dread going thru HR.

    • Rhywun

      I still think “AI” is way oversold. We’re nowhere near Skynet despite all the breathless articles.

      • Jarflax

        We have some nifty algorithms that can do some predicting from data, and plan game moves from the rules and current board state, the gap between that and dealing with the unexpected or unknown is pretty huge and I am not convinced it can be bridged by a circuit.

      • LJW

        At the moment, I think the two most over-hyped tech related things are data and AI. AI isn’t advanced enough to really provide value to most people. Data has valuable use, but people tout it as the answer to everything. Data falls apart when you try to analyze complex human behavior.

      • Rhywun

        Yeah, data is my jam, but only the simple “business analysis” kind. I’m not interested in that “machine learning” crap.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Barf. Throw in a extra heaping of RPA.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        RPA… Also know as a script.

        Seriously, the first time I heard of RPA, my reaction was “is that all?”

    • Rhywun

      I agree.

      Tho I prefer the previous album.

  46. Mojeaux

    Well. A week or 10 days or whatever of carefully taking my omeprazole means I can now eat meat and mayo again. *sigh*

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      A recipe fora good life,
      Meat
      Coffee
      Beer
      Water
      Weed
      Milk
      Thats it, I’ll live Forever, you can too,

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Dark chocolate, Corn and green beans

  47. Yusef drives a Kia

    Kamala Harris is as White as I am,and unlike me, she is a piece of shit, she’s not even merican ffs.

    • hayeksplosives

      I look at Patrick Mahomes and wonder why we keep talking about race.

      We’re going to have to start carrying around wall paint color swatches to correctly prejudge people.

      • straffinrun

        I’m between fuchsia and magenta.

    • hayeksplosives

      She is ok with communism as long as she’s confident she’ll get the dacha and not the firing squad.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Worst case scenario, she’ll sleep with the camp commandant to get extra privileges.

  48. Yusef drives a Kia

    Canada, where every one goes when they can’t get in to the U.S. legally

  49. Yusef drives a Kia

    Fuck Canada

  50. Yusef drives a Kia

    Shit, Canada is a Satropy, We control the borders, they get Tim bits…

    • Gustave Lytton

      Show us on the poutine where America’s Hat touched you.

    • hayeksplosives

      Craig Ferguson says that because everyone is so easily offended now, that there are only 2 groups safe to insult:

      https://youtu.be/1ZEbRgMr4vw