About The Author

CPRM

CPRM

Organic troll farmer.

371 Comments

  1. Tulip

    Bravo!

    • Count Potato

      +1

  2. Sean

    The hair has hair…?

    Fucking awesome.

    • DEG

      Yeah, that was a nice touch.

      • Festus

        The curlicue on the soft serve cone.

  3. straffinrun

    Bolton is walking around somewhere without his mustache? Having a tough time visualizing that.

      • straffinrun

        Bizarre. ??

      • Trigger Hippie

        Bolton is secretly Tom Synder?

      • Chipwooder

        He looks a lot like my high school French teacher, only with more hair.

  4. Spudalicious

    Bravo! Bravo! And Bolton’s mustaches defected.

  5. Hyperion

    Nuclear M-16s, LOL.

  6. Florida Man

    Looks like the hair was worried for no reason. Sounds like Trump is scheduled to be acquitted Wednesday.

    • straffinrun

      You can’t acquit a stain.

    • Not Adahn

      Why Wednesday?

      • Hyperion

        Probably Hitler’s birthday or something.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Nope! I’m a big fan of Hitler’s birthday. Though he’s not the reason why.

      • Tulip

        Is it….YOUR birthday?

      • Trigger Hippie

        Nah. I’ve become a terrible curmudgeon. I’ve pretty much stopped celebrating my birthdays without so much as have the common decency of being a Jehovah’s Witness to justify it.

      • Rhywun

        LOL

      • Trigger Hippie

        Because Tuesday’s gone with the wind.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Because Tuesday sucks.

      • Rhywun

        W00t! Two extra days for the Dems to spring whatever gotcha! that lost out to the “Bolton bombshell”. They’ve got ‘im now.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        DU is apoplectic.

      • straffinrun

        When aren’t they?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They won’t be when the wrong thinkers are all in gulags.

      • Rhywun

        I bet. But since I value my sanity, there’s no chance in hell I would go over there to verify it.

      • Hyperion

        It’s the same old thing. Democracy died today. The world ended today. They’ll have a new hero and a new bombshell and start the entire thing over again in a few days.

      • Hyperion

        It’s like they’re living in that film Groundhog Day. Where they keep waking up to the same thing, over and over and over. How the fuck do they live like that?

      • CPRM

        Yeps. The thing still good from TOS are some of the videos.

      • Hyperion

        It’s just like that video. Only the voice on the radio says ‘Donald Trump is still president today’, followed by horrified screaming.

      • Not Adahn

        “General Electric” and “Made in Japan” on the same piece of plastic.

      • C. Anacreon

        When I was a kid and “I Got You Babe” was a hit on the radio, I thought they were singing “Babe, I’m Bob Eubanks”, and it was a song about the host of The Newlywed Game.

      • Florida Man

        Because you can’t just stop a circle jerk. These things have to wind down on their own time.

      • Festus

        Stop! Please stop! The cracker is already saturated!

  7. Hyperion

    Are there any Bolton Bombshells in that catalog?

  8. Not Adahn

    “you’re denying that he made you cum?”

    I refuse to figure out wtf that means.

    • Spudalicious

      Ahem. So went Donnie went on Jimmie Fallon’s show during the campaign, Jimmie asked Donnie if his hair was real. Donnie said yes, go ahead and see for yourself. Fallon proceeded to run his hand through Trump’s hair and the hair apparently came all over Donnie’s head.

      • Not Adahn

        That reference I got. I’m refusing to figure out what a hairpiece ejaculating would entail. And I am going to bed now, so I’ll miss what you try and freak me out with

        *Nelson Laugh*

      • CPRM

        You know, when your hair gets ‘greasy’? Yeah, that’s not grease.

      • Spudalicious

        Think about a dry toupee, suddenly quivering under Jimmie Fallon’s hand and becoming sticky, without warning.

  9. Tulip

    I do not follow sportsball at all, but I am going to a super bowl party on Sunday. It’s at my neighbor’s, and he’s making prime rib. I’m bringing pretzel rolls (from UCS’s linked recipe). It’s been about 10years since I went to a super bowl party. I think it will be fun.

    • Not Adahn

      Rib roast sammiches on pretzel rolls sounds pretty boss. Like REALLY boss. Where’s this party again?

      • Tulip

        Northern Virginia.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I’ll be driving home from Winston-Salem during the game and flying out the next morning to Vegas. No parties for me this year.

    • Tulip

      I had the neighbors over because I wanted to make clams and you have to buy a big bag. So, I didn’t feel like I could refuse. Although, we frequently invite each other over for grilling. Every time he makes ribs, he brings me some and they are awesome. When I make tamales, I always take them some and we often combine forces for s’mores.

      • CPRM

        Are you a throuple?

      • Tulip

        What? I don’t get it

      • Tulip

        No. Ick

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Risky click

      • Rhywun

        It’s just hipster narcissists who think they have something “special” but it’s probably long since turned into backstabbing and maybe a divorce.

      • Hyperion

        One day he’ll wake up missing his weewee, in total shock.

      • Tulip

        Shortly after I moved in, I set him up with a friend of mine and they dated for a few months. Apparently, I nailed his type because his now wife looks like my friend’s sister.

      • Not Adahn

        At first, I was thinking NoVa’s kind of a long drive, but then you said that you make tamales…

        Pueblano or Michiocan?

      • Chipwooder

        The food sounds delicious and I’m sure Tulip is delightful company……but I only go up to NoVa at gunpoint.

      • Tulip

        Co don’t know. Generally, pork

      • Tulip

        I’ll have to plan a vacation to upstate New York and visit UCS and you. I’ll bring tamales

      • Rhywun

        Feel free to drop some off in Brooklyn on your way back home.

      • Tulip

        Ill stop on the way up. Or sooner, I’ve never been to NYC. My New Year’s resolution is to do more local tourism. NYC may count

      • Rhywun

        Brain-fart. I thought the tamales were coming from upstate, not VA.

        Whatever gets them here sooner.

      • Tulip

        I’ll look for a long weekend to bring tamales if you’re willing to show me around NYC.

      • Rhywun

        “Here’s a MetroCard. Knock yourself out.”

        🙂

      • CPRM

        Tulip, you’re barking up the wrong tree. No wonder your internet dates were so bad.

      • Rhywun

        LOL

      • Tulip

        Oh, I know Rywun is gay. After my internet dating experience, it’s a relief

      • Tulip

        Here’s a recipe. Have fun

      • Spudalicious

        That’s a great recipe. I’ll have to give it a go.

    • Chipwooder

      I enjoyed when we used to host Super Bowl parties, but it was just too much damned work

      • Nephilium

        One of my old friends hosts every year. I have been tasked once again to make chili to bring. I am irritated though, because the grocery store I hit up today for all the peppers, cheese, and meat did not have any smoked beers. Not some hard to find smoked beers, not really good smoked beers, not a single damned rauchbier in the store. So I’m either going to have to make another stop tomorrow, or I’ll have to use some of my homebrew porter for the beer in the recipe.

      • Hyperion

        Won’t be watching this year. Gonna be the most boring Superbowl in history.

      • Nephilium

        Really? You think it will be worse then the Broncos – Seahawks game a couple years back?

      • Hyperion

        It’s the ‘A Superbowl every fifty years’ Squaws and the 49ers… who I somehow don’t even know a single player on that team. How did they get to a Superbowl exactly? It’s one of those years where everybody sucks.

      • KSuellington

        The Niners has the most exciting team in the NFL this year. They have a combo of old school smashball with plenty of hits and blocking and new schemes that involve lots of line movement. Obviously I am biased but I watched every game they played this year. They have a tremendous defense and a underrated offense and are going against the best new QB since Brady came out. It should be a good game.

      • Spudalicious

        I turned my back on the niners with the whole Kapaernik/Reid BS. It’s good to see they’ve gotten past that and it’s even better to see that York has seen the light and decided to be a hands off owner.

      • KSuellington

        I did as well Spud. Them leaving the Stick for the South Bay really tested my fandom, and then a bunch of years of Jed York being an idiot was really bad. I grew up during the heyday of the Niners and have vivid memories of watching The Catch on my parents’ 19 inch color TV. I liked that Jed seemed to learn his lesson and at the NFC championship, he took a back seat to who he picked to run his team. They have a really good all around team and I love that they have a QB that is content to be a team player. Looking forward to them winning on Sunday.

      • Spudalicious

        Them sweet, sweet Mojeaux tears. 😛

      • Trigger Hippie

        It’d be pretty damn hard to top last year’s yawn fest.

        I’m mean, I get that you hate the Chiefs and don’t care about the matchup, but a points line around 55 has got to top that.

      • KSuellington

        It is going to go under.

      • CPRM

        How does that work when Mahomes throws for 17 touchdowns in two minutes?

      • KSuellington

        Over/under is 54.5. Mahomes can go ahead and do that, but I doubt it will go over. He has to contend with an actual defense this Sunday.

      • Trigger Hippie

        You think? I’m not a betting man, but if I was I’d take the over.

        Honestly, I think it’s the scoring is going to be based off of both team’s d-line play. If the Niners front four can bottle up Mahomes and throw off his timing routes, they have a shot. Though KC’s o-line has been quietly very good the last half of the year.

        On the Chiefs side, the d-line plays a lot of 4-3 Over against zone run schemes. That puts a shit-ton of pressure on the interior lineman to cover multiple gaps and cutback lanes. They’ve gotten a helluva lot better at that over the last two months but San Fran is the best team at using those types of runs. Plus Shanahan is great at disguising multiple run types out of the same package.

        Should be fun. I honestly can’t say who I think will win, but if the d-lines can’t do those things I see a game with both teams scoring in the thirties.

      • KSuellington

        It should be a fun SB. I think the Niners D line holds it down and makes it tough for Mahomes. He is still gonna get three TDs and a field goal or two. He is not gonna get away with what he did with the Texans and the Titans. If the Niners go up early they will hold it.

      • Chafed

        The Hyperbole is that you?

    • Cannoli

      Have fun! I’m hosting a super bowl party for my family, and we’re also going to watch Groundhog Day while we’re at it.

  10. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Can’t watch it yet but I’m looking forward to it

  11. Scruffy Nerfherder

    You know, some things never change. I’m watching seven teenage boys who are competing against each other tomorrow in a music competition and there’s always one showboating asshole who’s trying to one up the others in order to psyche them out.

    Fortunately, I think my son is mostly oblivious to it but I can see some of the other kids getting agitated.

    I met the showboating kid’s father today and understand where it comes from. Dad obviously encourages the behavior. We’ll see how the judge likes it, since he’s also here.

  12. Chipwooder

    My son has recently become interested in woodworking and carpentry, and going up to my grandfather’s house for his funeral has really kicked it into high gear. We spent a few days going through all the stuff in his basement, which included his workshop – before he got too old to do it anymore, Grandpa was a hell of an amateur craftsman.

    However, despite his fervent desire to have his own workshop, we have no space for one in our little house and no garage either. So….my son has decided we should build a free-standing one in our backyard ourselves. On the one hand, I admire his determination and imagination. On the other hand, though, I don’t think I really have any of the skills to do it. He even wants us to pour our own concrete slab as a foundation. I’ve never worked with concrete in my life, but since he collected Grandpa’s extensive library of how-to books and brought them home, he has read about it and thinks it will be simple. Oy….

    • Hyperion

      “I’ve never worked with concrete in my life”

      It’s mostly easy, but finishing it if you want a smooth finish takes skill. Otherwise, easy. And you have Youtube. So yeah, easy.

      • Don Escaped Texas

        Trump to push for paid family leave for all workers in State of the Union address

        Trump will highlight his administration’s role in securing the passage of defense legislation that Congress approved in December that included 12 weeks of paid parental leave for federal workers — an accomplishment the administration sees as paving the way for a private-sector program.

        #MostLibertarianPresidentEver

      • Chipwooder

        It just seems like something that would seem deceptively easy that I would find a way to screw up, and then have a useless uneven concrete pad in the yard.

      • CPRM

        Most dry mix concrete you can buy now is ‘self leveling’. It’s more about making sure you build a nice squared ‘mold’ to pour it into that won’t leak.

      • Tulip

        This

      • Cacciatore

        It’s called a form; and there’s more to it than squaring it up.

        /industrial electrician, formed and poured many a duct bank

      • Tulip

        Back in the day, I worked for a construction company. Concrete is not that hard. You don’t want it completely smooth, slippery. It’ll be fine and really a great learning experience for him

      • Urthona

        It is when it dries.

      • Cacciatore

        Smooth for a slab, light broom for a sidewalk, patio, or driveway.

        Slabs are smooth, if you want some traction in your shop put a mat down.

      • Fourscore

        You can do it, Hype. If its a bigger slab get ready mix. You can do it, get one of your buddies with a little experience, no beer until the job is finished for the day.

      • Hyperion

        Yeah, but it’s not me who wants to do it. I

      • westernsloper

        Fuck that. If it is an off day dealing with concrete beer starts before it is mixed. A slab for a shed can be leveled with a 2×4. Forms level, screed it off, good go go. Not making a dance floor there.

      • DEG

        Please don’t make a dance floor out of concrete.

    • Not Adahn

      Not simple, but doable. I remember working with my dad pouring the slab for our shed. AFAIK, he never did that before, I know he’s never done concrete work since. It turned out fine.

    • CPRM

      He even wants us to pour our own concrete slab as a foundation

      Don’t. Not because it’s hard, but because in most places if you attach it to a foundation you need all the building permits. Dirt floor you can usually build whatever you want.

      • Spudalicious

        Typically, it depends on the size of the structure. From what I’ve experienced, you’re good up to 200sqft.

      • Spudalicious

        Although I doubt that’s big enough for a shop.

      • Chipwooder

        Eh, he’s not going to have any big equipment like a table saw or a router. What he wants is a space big enough for a work bench. He had mostly hand tools, plus a hand held still, rotary tool, jigsaw, and orbital sander.

      • Chipwooder

        Hand held drill that is. I fucking hate when autocorrect changes an actual word into a different working instead of just correcting misspellings.

      • Raven Nation

        Although, a hand held still would be very useful.

      • Spudalicious

        Needs lots of insulation but, yeah.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Make sure to pillar the center and corners. About a foot wide and eighteen inches deep. Tamper the ground till packed densely and flat, add gravel to just under the form boards, and tamper the gravel before pouring.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Er, width and depth for the pillars may need to be bigger depending on the size. I was envisioning something just a little bigger than a smallish back patio area.

      • Hyperion

        10×20. Beyond that, I’d actually just suggest a garage, or better, a pole barn.

      • commodious spittoon

        That’s where stripper cowgirls work.

      • Hyperion

        If you build it, they will come.

      • Chipwooder

        I actually looked that up. I didn’t see anything about foundations. It said you don’t need a permit for a tool or storage shed under 256 sf. I would imagine a small workshop could be classified as a tool shed.

      • Spudalicious

        It’s a tool shed until it isn’t.

      • Mojeaux

        Or one of these.

        IMO, going from apprentice carpentry with a total of 20 hours to one’s name to building a shed with concrete foundation is just begging for discouragement and a quick burnout.

      • Chipwooder

        I agree one of those would probably be more sensible, but those four digit price tags mean they ain’t happening. The one appealing thing about his DIY idea is that I have a lumber connection who can get me a great price, and we can buy as we go to spread out the costs.

      • blackjack

        The permit is really easy for a non-inhabited structure. At least, here in CA it is.

      • westernsloper

        Permit? #fuckoffslaver for a non-inhabitable structure.

    • blackjack

      It’s not all that hard to do anything involved in building a garage. I’ve done most of it. It’s a lot of work, but it’s not rocket surgery. Just be careful about measurements and squareness and use youtube for everything. You’ll be fine and really proud when you’re done. The hardest thing in building is stairs and odd shaped structures. Garages don’t have those.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I know concrete. Concrete equipment and tooling is over half of my business. If you need advice or help, just let me know.

      • blackjack

        I’ve always been lucky. When I had my bike shop, I worked on stuff fro people who did all that stuff. I could either barter or at least get them to set me straight when I had doubts. We did a huge shop behind a friends house and had a customer who drove a concrete truck come pour his excess for the foundation. They had a minimum and as soon as there was enough left over he just stopped by and dropped it in the form for us. We did the finish work, mostly with two by fours and a garden hose. It came out pretty good.

      • Chipwooder

        I have an uncle who does that sort of thing. He does quality work in several trades- carpentry, plumbing, painting, masonry – and does trades all the time. He restored a Galaxie 500 years ago by handling the mechanical himself and bartering home improvements for the body work, interior work, and electrical work.

      • Festus

        What think you of AlumaSytems?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They own half the market for formwork and shoring, which I don’t rent or sell. So I guess I don’t have much of an opinion on them other than they appear to know what they’re doing.

        I have seen formwork/shoring jobs go bad before, not a pretty sight.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Youtube
      Essential Craftsman
      Odell Complete Concrete (he does a small tool shed pad in one of the videos)
      April Wilkerson (she builds a small lean to shed in one of the videos, and has some what she’d do different observations)

      Disclaimer: I’ve not built my own shed myself.

      I could watch Scott (Essential Craftsman) read the instruction manual of a table saw. His voice and demeanor are just downright soothing.

    • Mad Scientist

      Now, you wanna talk about concrete, then the man you wanna talk to will probably be Playa Manhattan. I guess you all know Playa Manhattan; he lives out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm. Now, Playa don’t like it when you get his maggot farm confused with a worm farm. A worm farm is for worms, and a maggot farm is for maggots, and Playa’s got the biggest maggots in the state. Three feet long. Of course, now Playa believes this might be due to the fact that St. Smithen’s Medical Facility has been dumping their waste on his property. Interesting thing about three-foot maggots is that… that, well, one day the china disappeared, and then the next day his television disappeared, and then a few days after that, his ’57 Chevy disappeared. But there they are: the world’s biggest maggots. Anyway, one day, Playa and I were standing in the kitchen, giant maggots crawling across the floor, and Playa turns to me, and he says, “Do you ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it’s got hairs all over it?” and he gives me a look that still chills me to this day.

  13. commodious spittoon

    “You’re a Looney Tune.”

    I just… can’t stand hearing him talk. He’s such a cretin.

    • CPRM

      Neither I nor Trump have ever been to Crete, as far as I know.

      • Chipwooder

        *rimshot*

  14. Yusef drives a Kia

    Balanced sound, very clear, great Dialogue, the best you have done yet!@
    Bravo!

    • CPRM

      Thanks. I’m pushing positive vibes for you and Wendy.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        🙂

      • DEG

        I’m pushing positive vibes for you and Wendy.

        I am too.

  15. Don Escaped Texas

    net new voters for Trump ?

    “I wasn’t [a Trump supporter] in 2016,” said Adam Hanson, a Des Moines-based attorney who spoke for Rand Paul in the caucuses four years ago. “I was one of those Never Trump Republicans back then … During the caucuses and even into the general election, I just, I was not a big fan. I didn’t think he’d deliver. But in the past few years, I’ll admit I’ve been pleasantly surprised with Trump.”

    Hanson said he saw Trump as a bit of a “grifter” in 2016 but has been enthused by his judicial appointments and the performance of the economy.

    He added, “I’ll admit I was wrong. And if I had to do it over again, I would have voted for the president then.”

    • Urthona

      Well I didn’t like that time when he colluded with Russia to steal an election or that time he killed millions through net neutrality or when he appointed that credibly accused rapist to the Supreme Court or that time he started World War 3 by killing that terrorist.

    • Hyperion

      It’s proven. Libertarians were never anything other than closet Trumpets.

  16. Don Escaped Texas

    Missouri House Rep. Ben Baker introduced the bill, dubbed the “Parental Oversight of Public Libraries Act,” in January that calls for the creation of a panel made up of non-library workers who will determine the removal of “age-inappropriate sexual material,” from their local branch.

    Libraries that don’t comply will lose their funding. Library employees providing material deemed inappropriate would be hit with a misdemeanor charge and liable for a $500 fine or a maximum jail sentence of a year, according to the bill’s current language.

      • Chafed

        I see Puritanism is still alive.

    • Hyperion

      As long as they have transgender cross dresser reading time for toddlers weekly, it should all be good.

    • Mojeaux

      WTaF

    • Rhywun

      So. Tedious.

      Why are we tearing ourselves apart over this crap?

      • Don Escaped Texas

        minding your business: great Americans just helping out for 400 years

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Who is we? I don’t have a clue, or care to,

      • Rhywun

        Metaphorical “we” as “America”. Nobody here I’m sure.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I have fought all my life not to be WE, so I’m a bit touchy about it…
        no worries

      • Tulip

        Exactly, it’s tedious

    • Q Continuum

      What a cunte.

    • Spudalicious

      *Head on desk*

      Apparently, parenting in Missouri isn’t done by the parents?

      • Hyperion

        “Apparently, parenting in Missouri isn’t done by the parents?”

        I wasn’t aware that’s done anywhere in the USA these days?

    • CPRM

      21 is gorgeous, but she probably has Corona virus.

    • Spudalicious

      I’ll be in my bunk.

  17. Yusef drives a Kia

    If you din;t see, I got my Census job, yippee! I think it’s cool, iit’s a Constitional requirement, i get take another oath, and I will abide by it, if your going to do something, do it right,
    /i’ll do well

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      and horrible spelling…

      • Spudalicious

        Government work. Accurate spelling not required.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I’ll remember that,
        /first time GOV employee,

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      A requirement of the Constitution, to be performed every ten years, AZ will pick up a rep, Cali will lose at least one, and I’ll make it happen,

      • westernsloper

        ?

      • creech

        Cal. will lose another Republican rep and AZ is turning blue so likely will pick up a Dem.

    • westernsloper

      Good on ya! Go harass people in peace!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I get all appointments, al voluntary, mostly lonely old people in these parts,
        /Patience is a virtue…..Pot is better

      • KSuellington

        That sounds like fun actually. I love oldsters though and generally love listening to their tales of the good ole days.

      • Tulip

        Take a recorder

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Nope, just my brain, I need to keep personal records personal, and be ing a Glib, I’m the right guy for the job, Get off my lawn and all that..

    • Gustave Lytton

      Numbers only, every other question is unconstitutional. Fuck off slaver!

      (Congratulations again Yusef!)

    • Festus

      Good to hear. Sometimes there’s a little corn in the crap.

      • westernsloper

        Cornback Rattler?

      • Spudalicious

        Corn eye, speckled back, boneless brown trout.

      • Festus

        *snickers*

    • DEG

      Good!

  18. westernsloper

    Best work ever CPRM. I wondered why Bolton turned on Trump and now I know. He stole the mustache just like the election. But to be honest, I don’t believe the news reports of his books. I think it is a setup and he never wrote those things. I might be wrong but I am feeling red herring on it all.

    • Spudalicious

      I think he’s trolling the Dems while getting a little payback on Trump.

    • CPRM

      I’m guessing it’s like every other tell-all that was touted as ‘The End of Trump’, that once they came out never said much of anything.

  19. Yusef drives a Kia

    the Legislature has done nothing in the past 4 years, in fact 15 years of “continuing resolutions?” Trump is doing a lot of good, I wish he could do more.
    Why is the
    Executive more powerful than Congress? Abdication of Responsibility, Lampposts for All of them!

    • Rhywun

      Abdication of Responsibility

      Psychologists call this the “too many cooks effect”.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        My version is Fancier….

  20. Festus

    Best one yet, C!

    • Rhywun

      Joy

    • Heroic Mulatto

      Still never got why I was supposed to give a shit either way.

      • straffinrun

        Bureaucratic leviathan gets pushed to the curb. Sure, the Brits will just impose their own rules now, so they’ve just changed ruling classes. Hopefully we can see another Brexit, but this time from Westminster.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Hopefully we can see another Brexit, but this time from Westminster.

        Someone needs to tell straff that Meghan Markle is spoofing his account again.

      • straffinrun

        I can hope, damnit. I’ve been planting seeds hoping to see one sprout somewhere someplace.

      • Spudalicious

        It’s a nut punch to globalism.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Again, still never got why I was supposed to give a shit about the struggle between localized collectivism and globalized collectivism.

      • straffinrun

        Decentralizing power until you reach the individual.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        If only it worked like that.

      • straffinrun

        I’ll bite. What other way would you get there?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        As I’ve said before, I prefer moving downward than upward. But, time and time again, we get stuck at the nation/tribe level. Indeed, a national government can, at times, be more injurious to liberty than a global behemoth in that it is a) more “efficient” and b) in charge of a population small enough to pay attention to each individual.

        In short, a balloon can deflate and get smaller until it runs out of air or it can be so filled with air that it eventually pops. Both have the same end result .

      • straffinrun

        Good point. The flip side is that it’s harder to escape from a super state. Also, would you say that advances in technology could lead to a government having control over its subjects to such a degree that you can’t really fall through the cracks like you could in, say, Soviet Russia?

      • Spudalicious

        HM is not down with the shtruggle.

      • Festus

        But he has the most potent shtyle!

      • JaimeRoberto Delecto

        But is he down with a snuggle?

      • Festus

        schnuggle

      • commodious spittoon

        STICK IT TO THOSE CHEESE-EATING EUROFAGGOT FRENCHIES, LIBTARD. Brussels is in France, right?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Brussels is in France, right?

        You call Jean-Claude Van Damme a Frenchman one more goddamn time and I swear I will fucking roundhouse kick your grandmother in the jaw.

      • commodious spittoon

        His name is Jean, so I’m guessing Quebec at the very least… which is discount Frenchy and no amount of North American makes up for that.

      • Rhywun

        Brussels is in France, right?

        It might as well be.

      • KSuellington

        Yup, try and speak Dutch there and you will likely get a look like you just busted out some Japanese on them. Belgium is a deeply weird place.

      • Gustave Lytton

        And that little French detective Perot.

      • Chafed

        Dr. Evil hardest hit.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Make Freedom Sprouts great again!

    • Gustave Lytton

      Britain moves to become a vassal of the EU.

      If they actually just flat out repealed the applicability of all EU legislations and regulation and stopped payment on the checks, that would be Brexit. This just means even less ability to control EU craziness.

    • CPRM

      OK Boomer. Only old white men wanted Brexit.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        YAY for White people!

      • Festus

        Says the whitest man in all the land.

  21. Tulip

    I’m turning into my sister. My skin is dry and itchy. I actually bought back scratchers. They are almost orgasmic. So nice not to have to contort to reach an itch, especially since I’m hurting from coughing.

    • Mojeaux

      If your back scratcher breaks, a spaghetti spoon will do in a pinch.

      • Tulip

        I bought a package. I now have back scratchers on every floor. Did I mention I’m turning into my hoarder (she won’t admit this) sister.

      • Rhywun

        I’ve been using one of those for around a decade now.

        I bought an actual “back scratcher” a few years ago and tossed it – completely useless.

      • Rhywun

        PS. At work I used a wooden ruler. Long since stopped caring about the occasional strange look I would get.

      • Tulip

        I use scissors

      • Rhywun

        Owwie

      • CPRM

        I use scissors

        Then Rhy is completely the wrong tree…wait, this is a different thread…

      • Florida Man

        Or an angry cat placed down the back of your shirt.

      • Festus

        Boot shim for the win!

    • Festus

      You’re! Too sexy for your skin! Too sexy for your skin! The Skin that you’re iiinnnn!

    • Spudalicious

      I’m in a concerted battle with the dry skin rash on my wife’s back. I finally had to go to the cortisone cream.

      • Mojeaux

        Have you tried coconut oil?

      • Spudalicious

        OTC hasn’t been working and I needed to get a handle on it. I’m pretty much there, so I can start experimenting with different products.

    • KSuellington

      Heh, heh. I love my back scratcher, it’s sitting on the table next to me right now. My wife kids me that it is my favorite (or most used) present I’ve ever gotten.

      • CPRM

        I just use a door jam, like a civilized bear.

      • Tulip

        Seriously, for an inexpensive product, so satisfying. Buy some!

      • Spudalicious

        Tulip:

        “I’m a hoarder, join me!”

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I have long arms….

      • straffinrun

        I use my cock. Unless I’m excited. That’s when I change lightbulbs.

      • Festus

        Piker! I use the spruce tree out back.

      • Tulip

        Aren’t they awesome. I wish I had bought them years ago. So satisfying to scratch

      • Tulip

        Hmm, for less than six dollars, I’m game

      • Cannoli

        Those are fantastic!

      • Festus

        Heh. We have one of those around here somewhere.

      • Rhywun

        Looks like my egg-beater

      • Festus

        I jokingly put it on my head and started massaging my scalp. It’s not half bad.

      • Mojeaux

        Not half bad? Dude, try divine.

      • Festus

        That’s nothing! Took a needle to a nascent sty growing on my lower right eyelid today. That was satisfying!

    • straffinrun

      They call backscratchers 孫の手 (mago no te) here. Mago=grandchild, no=‘s, te=hand.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Cerave for the back and Gold Bond diabetic cream for the hands.

      • Tulip

        Maybe for feet. Sometimes my feet are just uncomfortable. I need to cool them off.

      • Festus

        Too hot. Too damn cold. Never the happy median.

    • westernsloper

      During winter months I bathe in lotion. Dry skin what can I say. Bleeding finger cracks and all. But after reading this comment now my back itches. It didn’t before I read it but now it does so damn you.

      • Tulip

        I feel your pain. I buy Norwegian hand cream in bulk. I wish there was a Macs near by where I could buy bag balm.

      • CPRM

        Cow salve for the win! (not calling you a…)

      • Tulip

        Heh, I know what bag balm is

      • Festus

        Farm wife’s husband. Known about bag balm for 24 years…

      • westernsloper

        They sell bag balm at every supermarket or Walmart here.

      • Rhywun

        Bleeding finger cracks and all.

        I remember that growing up in upstate NY.

        Downstate is all humidity, all the time. Which has its ups and downs.

      • l0b0t

        It’s cute that you think it is humid here in the city. {l0b0t finished typing with bloody cracked fingers and dreamed of a return to his beloved Everglades.}

    • CPRM

      My nephew now told me twice I need to buy him transformers for his birthday. I forced my second oldest niece to love transformers, but he’s the first nephew to be so enamored. He’s mos def getting some transformers when his birthday rolls around, whether he still wants them or not.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Toys! Joy!

      • CPRM

        This year I introduced my oldest nephew (1st grade, I have nieces in college already, took a while to get a nephew) to Ren and Stimpy when he played with the window suction figures my dad had.

  22. Tulip

    I’m definitely on the mend. The dog is not insisting on being on top of me tonight. Rest of the week, sitting on the couch, or in bed, she insisted on being on top of me. I know I’m sick when she does that. She wants to comfort me/keep me warm. It’s incredibly annoying. Sweet, but annoying.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      The dog is not insisting on being on top of me tonight.

      I called my spouse that too.

      • Tulip

        Obviously, you’re much more irresistible than me

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Actually, I think that’s why I’m divorced.

      • Mojeaux

        Because you’re irresistible or because you called your spouse a dog?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Beats me! Your guess is as good as mine.

      • Festus

        Six a one…

      • Gustave Lytton

        Beats me

        Blink twice if you need help.

      • Mojeaux

        Did she? Beat you? Did you want her to? Did she not do it well enough? Or too well?

      • Festus

        heh

      • Mojeaux

        Meth and Mormons.

        Band name.

      • CPRM

        I say album name.

  23. westernsloper

    Things I learned tonight. Trump stole Bolton’s mustache and #fuckoffslaver is a legit hashtag on twitter. Thanks OMWC! He made it so.

    • CPRM

      Trump didn’t steal anything, it was Bolton’s mustache that came to him.

      • westernsloper

        Aaaah, now I picture it crawling across DC through traffic to get to him. Maybe even utilizing public transit but stopping at the mall to flip the bird to Lincoln and piss in the pool.

      • straffinrun

        I’d think the stache would approve of a lot of what Lincoln did.

      • Festus

        He’d ooze up their and park on his lip for a selfie.

      • westernsloper

        Perhaps. But I am working only on racist stereotypes in that scenario. I may have forgot I poured tequila on the second drink and then poured it as a double double so work with me here because I am on the fourth drink.

      • CPRM

        More like this, but instead of a demon, the mustache jumps from body to body.

      • Festus

        “Ass to ass!”

      • Festus

        I thought more like a bloated tick/leech but he’s your baby.

      • westernsloper

        WTF was that? That was too creepy for me.

      • Festus

        There were so many of those movies from that era I’ll admit that it’s hard to keep track. I’m sure that I watched it but who the fuck knows?

      • Trigger Hippie

        It’s worth a watch.

        “Tiiiiiiime is on my side, yes it is!”

      • Trigger Hippie

        Oops, misthread. That was for Rhy.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Hah!

      • Trigger Hippie

        This guy gets it.

      • CPRM

        Fallen (1998) Denzel tries to beat a demon who can transfer hosts upon contact. I was imagining that scene, but every time the demon was inhabiting someone they were wearing the Mustache.

      • Rhywun

        I was not aware of that movie. Looks like fun.

      • CPRM

        It is serviceable for what it is. It isn’t sure if it want’s to be a horror movie or a cop drama. But it is an original concept and very interesting. +John Goodman

      • Rhywun

        + Tony Soprano too

      • CPRM

        Well, yeah, he was in that clip.

  24. Spudalicious

    Glibertarian PSA:

    When it comes to applying Gold Bond powder to your crotch, if you’ve already chafed. DO. NOT. DO. IT.

    • CPRM

      You want Chafed to get serious jock itch?

    • Mojeaux

      That’s what baby powder’s for.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Fuck the talcum powder lawsuit industry.

      • Mojeaux

        I highly doubt Spud’s at risk for ovarian cancer.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I’ve found that the availability of pure plain talcum powder has dried up since.

      • CPRM

        If it’s not dry it doesn’t work the same.

      • Mojeaux

        This is why we can’t have nice things like DDT.

      • Spudalicious

        On the fire line, you have Gold Bond. That sweet, cool, intense burning pain lasted for about ten minutes. On the plus side, I entertained the entire crew with my dancing and whimpering.

      • CPRM

        +1 putting Icy Hot on an idiots jock strap.

      • Mojeaux

        I must admit I once rubbed my eye after I had had Mentholatum on my finger.

      • Spudalicious

        Scratching my nuts after chopping up dried red chilis for a Szechuan dish.

      • CPRM

        Open sores on old man testes, not something I want to think about.

      • Rhywun

        Thank god for “please sign in with your account”.

      • Spudalicious

        Heh.

    • Festus

      Tiger Balm getting into your road rash from running the bases.

      • Spudalicious

        Oof.

      • Festus

        That wasn’t the sound. Go an octave and a half higher.

  25. straffinrun

    Back to work. Have to discuss the road to Ancapistan another day. Good for Yusef and the job. Great cartoon and keep your balls clean, Spud.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Good luck, we’re all counting on you.

    • Festus

      “Shiny and new!”

      • Festus

        Stay golden, Ponyboy!

  26. CPRM

    I’m sort of in employment limbo. I’ve been offered and accepted a job, but I think they hired me before their timeline so I wouldn’t accept another job in the mean time. So…I’m still waiting to hear from HR and actually start working.

    • Trigger Hippie

      Try some gig work until you start? Or do you think it’s not worth the bother?

      • CPRM

        I’m not worried about money, just an odd state to be in.

      • CPRM

        I’m not worried about money,

        And that is most defiantly due to Patrons like yourself. Many thanks to all.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Gotcha. But since we’re talking money, I think my year long Patreon thingy for you might be about to expire. I’ll try to remind myself to check on that this weekend.

      • CPRM

        No problem if you have a lapse, or need some time to refocus spending, you’ll still get a credit until it’s clear you’re long gone.

      • Trigger Hippie

        If I lapse again, just bust me down to “Hair jizz” level until I get caught up.

      • CPRM

        If I weren’t too lazy I’d now implement a ‘Hair Jizz Level’ for delinquent payments int the credits.

      • Festus

        That would be AWESOME!

      • Trigger Hippie: Hair Jizz

        There. Enacted some labor for ya.

    • Festus

      Seems like you and the local publican should meet.

      • CPRM

        So I can buy a beer at 4x retail?

      • Festus

        You might meet “Little Miss Not With Spud’s Dick” and then regale us of the story about the one that got away. “Gather’round children! I’ve a tale to tell…”

      • CPRM

        Like when I went to the local bar in my early 30s and instead of the chick I was talking up admitting she was a lesbo she instead made a story about ripping her vagina during child birth and having to get stitches in her va jay jay to scare me off? Or that other time time I got jumped in an alley? Yeah, my home is the best bar.

      • Festus

        Caramba! Sorry that happened. I can see how a guy might be a little skittish after that… At least you weren’t trying to buy drugs. Home is where the bar is, Friend.

      • Festus

        (And Spud? I meant nothing by that. It’s just that your name came to mind.)

      • Mojeaux

        made a story

        While I can see that sharing this information in a bar during a social setting is rather uncouth, there is no “made up” story about one’s vagina tearing during childbirth and having to get stitches in it.

        It’s called an episiotomy.

        Ask me how I know.

        Now, if you tell me she has no kids, then I can see that it would be entirely made up with regard to her personal person.

      • Festus

        I was featuring that he had a close scrape against SugarFree’s last protagonist.

      • Festus

        …and lived to tell the tale.

      • Mojeaux

        But would you want to?

      • Festus

        What? Live?

      • CPRM

        As far as I know, it was made up. Turns out instead of being the cousin of the bartender we’d been hitting on all summer, she was her girlfirend, which for some reason telling me this story was somehow, um, showing how we were bigots for not assuming the bartender was gay, or something. It was all very odd.

      • Mojeaux

        Oh, that is very bizarre.

        How hard is it to say, “Hey, I like girls and I have a girlfriend”?

      • Mad Scientist

        The tips are better if the guys think they have a chance.

      • Rhywun

        The tips are better if the guys think they have a chance.

        Shockingly, this works at most gay bars, too.

      • CPRM

        Shockingly, this works at most gay bars, too.

        That is not at all the way it worked when ladies lead my to a gay bar without me knowing….yeah, I’m not the target audience.

      • Festus

        Oh dear…

    • Festus

      Must be the Speaker of the House. Seems quite a cunte. I approve!

    • JD is Unemployed

      AWWDUUUH! It basically means the Commons critters are getting to rowdy (by British standards) or speaking out of turn, so there’s a guy employed to sit there and yell “order” until everyone behaves themselves. Imagine all the Republican congress critters sitting in bleachers directly opposite the Dems seated in the same way, each with the party leader in the front row (prime minister for the Cons, some old tankie for the opposition), and then imagine them jeering at each other and slinging ad homs en masse until every so often the “order” person yells “awwduuuuhhh!”.

      • UnCivilServant

        Sounds like the proper amount of decorum.

  27. Festus

    Well shucks, Imma go grab me some vittles and catch some shut-eye, if you catch my drift. G’night Sheriff! *tips bang-up old hat* Miss Kitty…

    • Festus

      *leers with one working eye and puts his hand into a well-worn pocket* Yes indeedy! A good night to all!

  28. CPRM

    Alt-right. Since Sr. Digby didn’t grace us with his presence because he already saw the cartoon or has a life or some other lame excuse, I guess I’ll say good night, and thanks for supporting the cartoon.

    • Chafed

      I think he keeps normie hours on Friday.

  29. UnCivilServant

    Morning, evening Glibs.

    For whatever reason I’m awake at weekday hours today.

    • JD is Unemployed

      11:45 and I’m still on my first cup of covfefe. JDU enjoyed a lie in this morning.

      • UnCivilServant

        I figured I should at least finish part 1 of “Court Creatures”, which is the sixth named arc of “On Unknown Shores”

      • JD is Unemployed

        Morning person? I’m not especially useful for the first couple of hours. I need time to warm up and get going. Not very productive.

        My generic cover letter sent out with resume:

        Dear prospective employer,

        Please be flexible with my hours; I am more productive after 10:30am.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m not a morning person, but if I sleep in til 1pm, I don’t have much day left, as I have to be at work monday morning, so it’s lost from one of the days.

      • JD is Unemployed

        Oh yeah I used to be like that when I worked long hours, nights, and often weekends, too. Feeling like free time is wasted is very depressing.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Mornin’

      Eight hours of sleep, I’m up.

    • Lackadaisical

      what do you mean morning? it’s 620pm.

      • UnCivilServant

        Not sure what clock you’re using, but it’s nearly 8am here.

  30. UnCivilServant

    I sighed and breathed out a profanity in my native tongue.
    “You’ll be fine if the bet’s not too big and you attend the fight, you should be fine,” Drea said.
    “What makes you say that?”
    “Well, it’s on the Emperor’s birthday, and you’ve got a decent seat, right?”
    “So?”
    Drea let out an exasperated noise and shook her head. “You really are clueless.”
    “Of course I am. I am halfway around the world from what is familiar.”
    “On the Emperor’s birthday, it’s traditional for him to give out gifts to those in attendance and food to the crowds outside. Since those in better seats tend to be more influential, they also tend to get better gifts. Unless you were a reckless idiot with your betting, you should be fine.”
    “Well, Dug has been known to be reckless,” Peter said.
    “Watch it,” I said.
    “How much did you bet, anyway?” Peter asked.
    I mumbled the number sheepishly.
    “I’m afraid I didn’t catch that.”
    “Three hundred soldari.”
    “You idiot,” Peter said.

    • UnCivilServant

      Dammit, Drea repeats herself in the first line of dialog.

      • JD is Unemployed

        It didn’t seem weird when I read it, just natural. I know it might seem unconventional to write dialogue like that but FWIW I think that line is fine.

      • UnCivilServant

        While I have heard people speak like that, I also know I’d catch flak for writing it like that. Luckily, it’s an easy trim.

    • UnCivilServant

      “Okay, no more gambling,” I said. “I’m bad at it.”
      “We can’t do that, we still have the big gamble left.”
      “What would that be?”
      “That sailing east from Orkahaugr gets us home.”
      “Of course it will. I’d show you the math, but-”
      Silence fell over the room for an awkward moment.
      “And if there’s something else in the way?” Peter asked.
      “Atlorian accounts say there’s nothing west of their islands but empty ocean. If there were another land mass or maelstrom or something of significant size within reasonable distance of their shores, they’d have spotted it. That leaves maybe a few hundred miles unaccounted for. Odds are it’s empty.”
      “You didn’t exactly make an estensive survey of Atlorian accounts before heading out, and are just playing by memory.”
      “What’s the alternative?” I asked, “Stay here?” I almost missed the subtle movement as Peter moved his hand from on the bench to on top of Drea’s.

      • Lackadaisical

        when does he enslave the natives? wasnt that the first book?

      • UnCivilServant

        No, that’s later on, after he sets up outposts to supply ships with provisions along the route and maximize cargo space.

  31. MikeS

    Misidentified AGAIN as a USA Hat level patron. SAD!