Third Libertarian Dies of Schadenfreude Toxicity

by | Jan 7, 2020 | Satire | 351 comments

January 4, 2020 – Atlanta, Georgia

After a third libertarian died yesterday from apparent shadenfreude poisoning, the Centers for Disease Control have released a statement warning libertarians, classical liberals, Constitutionally minded independents, and pacifists to moderate their consumption of statist tears to 2 pints per day.

James Wallace, a Grand Rapids resident, marijuana connoisseur, and alleged Ron Paul fan club founder, has died at age 42 after what witnesses describe as an “overload of epic trolling” after he invited several prominent Grand Rapids Progressives and Conservatives to his house for a party. Allegedly, Wallace, a co-owner of the local glassworks, spent nearly an hour separately goading the Progressives and Conservatives into respective fervors about General Soleimani, only to bring the conversation to climax by revealing that he had been talking about former President Obama’s extra-judicial execution of American citizen Anwar al-Awlaki the whole time.

Reports indicate that the resulting waterfall of Prog and Con tears was so intense that Wallace’s cat, Mittens, was washed into the storm sewer. Wallace was quoted as saying “why are you so butthurt, assholes?” before chugging nearly a full gallon of outrage effluence.

Wallace’s untimely passing comes on the heels of the death of Martin Lingenshott, 34, a Provo libertarian who overdosed on impeachment tears, and the tragic public expiration of Landon Okunye, a 20 year old student at University of Oregon who wrote a paper on the parallels between Trump and Hitler for his Political Science class.

Landon’s situation was particularly tragic because his life could have been spared had he left off the final sentence of his essay, which explained that all of the Trump facts, quotes, and datapoints connecting to Hitler were actually Elizabeth Warren facts, quotes, and datapoints. The political science building on the University of Oregon campus is slated to reopen next Tuesday, once the flood remediation team finishes their cleanup.

Experts fear that the unfortunate demises of Landon, Martin, and James may not be the end of this public health crisis. With the 2020 election looming, many expect shadenfreude to be in ample supply, and since libertarians hate common sense regulations, many will overdose and die.

Jenine Slater-Bouffant, epidemiologist at the CDC, fears that a full blown pandemic may sweep through the libertarian population, a species that is already critically endangered. “With climate change wreaking havoc like it has, libertarians have been left in a particularly vulnerable position,” Slater-Bouffant explained, “it wouldn’t take much to drive them to extinction. There are already no female libertarians, and the males have resorted to the biological impossibility of importing Mexicans to reproduce with… rectally.” However, Slater-Bouffant does hold out some hope for the libertarians. So many of them are hermits and social outcasts that it’s unlikely they know enough Progressives or Conservatives to acquire a toxic amount of shadenfreude.

Still, the CDC is taking this seriously. They have lent their expertise to the FDA to craft a regulation banning reusable e-cigarette cartridges. If all goes as planned, the regulation will be enforced starting in July. Slater-Bouffant confidently predicts that this regulation will reduce libertarian shadenfreude deaths by 50% by 2028.

About The Author

trshmnstr

trshmnstr

I stink, therefore I am.

351 Comments

  1. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    This is hilarious. I’m not done yet, but you sir have a gift

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      For the record, I am in favor of importing Mexicans, but I take a hard pass on the rectal procreation

      • UnCivilServant

        No, we should be a net exporter of Mexicans, that way we can undercut Mexico’s rates and turn a profit.

    • commodious spittoon

      None of us get any. We’re libertarians.

  2. Yusef in Space......

    Yet Menthols are still legal, Keeping the Black down since….. forever?

    • Not Adahn

      (((They))) invented menthol, you know.

  3. Spudalicious

    Larf. This line got me.

    “There are already no female libertarians, and the males have resorted to the biological impossibility of importing Mexicans to reproduce with… rectally.”

    • Florida Man

      *chef’s kiss*

      Delicious

  4. AlmightyJB

    Then there’s the 4 hour erections that go with it.

    • Yusef in Space......

      Who needs that? 15 seconds and I’m sleeping…..

  5. Tundra

    So many of them are hermits and social outcasts…

    You People® maybe, but some of us are just assholes.

    • Drake

      Are the end results any different?

    • Fourscore

      I’ve never seen them together.

  6. mikey

    Really nice. This place keeps getting better.

  7. Fourscore

    I laughed and I’m safe from the cascade of tears by reclusiveness plus the dearth of friends, either Conserves or Progs.
    Tales of the Trashmaster/monster will accompany me through the night, giving me comfort.

  8. Mojeaux

    Two words: rectovaginal fistula.

    • Tres Cool

      Oh, so you were in the hospital when Mama Tres had that repaired.

      ….I was

      /1,000-yard stare

      • Mojeaux

        What, were you in the surgical gallery taking notes?

    • Florida Man

      So your saying there is a chance of reproduction through anal sex?

      ALRIGHT!

      • Mojeaux

        Yes. That is exactly what I am saying.

        /not a doctor nor do I play one on TV

    • Rhywun

      Hey, only what you see here pal.

      • Florida Man

        Ano-testicular fistula?

      • UnCivilServant

        I see you’ve met Mr. SMITH.

      • Florida Man

        *shakily puffs cigarettes*

        …yup

    • Chafed

      Maybe I shouldn’t read comments during dinner.

      • Mojeaux

        I said nothing vulgar.

  9. Gender Traitor

    Brilliant, even if it does deny my existence. ::sighs, kicks pebble::

      • Gender Traitor

        Clap your hands if you believe! I’m fading fast!

      • Jarflax

        No we believe in fairy libertarians, just not female.

      • commodious spittoon

        They’re pretty chill about the gay jokes but I don’t think they’d like being called fairies.

      • Fourscore

        UCS believes you exist, therefore you do exist.

    • Mojeaux

      It’s okay. There are plenty of other Tulpettes there with you. Me, ‘Splosives, RAHeinlein, Kristen, Tulip, Cannoli, LemonGrenade, Toxteth O’Grady, SP, Webdom, One True Athena, Riven, Mythical Libertarian Woman, and I’m sorry, but I’m going to include Elspeth Flashman anyway.

      Dear Myths: I have tried to include everyone. If you are a myth whom I have forgotten, please speak up and I will grovel.

      • Tundra

        Pope Jimbo is really in touch with his feminine side.

        Just sayin’.

      • MikeS

        A little too much in touch, IFYKWIMAITYD

      • Spudalicious

        Pope Jimbo’s a tranny?

      • egould310

        Banjos.

      • egould310

        Waffles.

      • Mojeaux

        Is there really a Waffles or are you pulling my leg?

      • Mojeaux

        I have not had the pleasure.

      • AlmightyJB

        It’s true

      • UnCivilServant

        She doesn’t comment a lot.

      • Not Adahn

        Don’t forget IFH.

      • Mojeaux

        IFH?

      • Not Adahn

        Invisible Furry Hand. She’s Antipodean.

      • Mojeaux

        Ohhhh now I really feel horrible.

      • AlmightyJB

        At least you didn’t say Mary.

      • Mojeaux

        Mary was before my TOS time.

      • Florida Man

        Nicole?

      • Mojeaux

        TOS’s Nikki Nicole?

      • Florida Man

        Yes. Are we limited to Glibs wominz?

      • Mojeaux

        I was limiting to Glibbroads (TM GT)

      • Jarflax

        Not sure Nikki, or Episiarch were libertarians. I think they were just so misanthropic they hung out with libertarians to feel a sense of kinship.

      • Mojeaux

        Wait, what? Episiarch’s got 2 X chromosomes?!

      • Rhywun

        Yeah I thought Epi was a dude.

      • Jarflax

        No, but saying anything to or about Nikki summoned him.

      • Ted S.

        [pedantic bastardry]

        Lots more than two. One in every cell in the body except for sperm and blood cells.

        [/pedantic bastardry]

      • Mojeaux

        See if I ever again compliment you on your music choices.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Hilarious.

        Y’all want to see a real Glibertarian minority?

        *looks over his left shoulder to Ed Wuncler, looks over his right shoulder to…ummm….???*

      • Mojeaux

        Nobody ever says “there are no black libertarians.”

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Nobody ever says “there are no black libertarians.”

        I heard such an argument many times, to be honest. I’ve also been told that Hispanics are genetically/culturally predisposed to collectivism as well.

        I recommend rolling around in the cesspool that is HnR to get reacquainted with the only White folks can liberty crowd.

        After the proper vaccinations, of course.

      • Jarflax

        Walter Williams and Frederick Douglass are at minimum demigods, if not outright gods in the Libertarian Pantheon. Sowell is probably the single best liberty leaning conservative voice out there. Y’all got libertycred

      • Heroic Mulatto

        I agree.

        Though, in his golden years, Sowell has gotten a bit “old man yells at cloud”-y.

        I’d also add my girl Zora to that list as well.

      • Mojeaux

        I did not mention Frederick Douglass because he’s long dead and nobody younger than 30 knows who he is anyway.

      • Rhywun

        Douglass spent some time in my hometown – even has a HS named after him. We got an earful, to the BOE’s credit.

      • Mojeaux

        Ugh, no thanks on the HnR revisit, with or without vaccines.

        *serious on*

        I’m quite sure people say it, but it’s not a meme like “there are no libertarian women.”

        Thing is, all I have to do is look to Sowell, Williams, Carson, Big Boi (yes, I said Big Boi) (“Bitch, I voted for Gary Johnson”), Hotep Twitter, and black conservative Twitter to see that there is no monolith. (Hoteps tend to be capitalist pig family men without an ideological home [maybe except ancient Egypt] and they do not want one.) On Twitter I see the movements of black men arming themselves to protect themselves and their families, and those who do generally realize that gun control is about THEM, and they resent it. I see a lot of agitation amongst blacks against the Dems and collectivist thinking. I am NOT saying they are libertarians. I’m saying they are not collectivists and don’t march in lock-step and there are a lot of them. Maybe it’s just how I load my Twitter feed.

        It would not have occurred to me that there are no black libertarians. I just assume they aren’t HERE.

        *serious off*

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Of course. What I’m getting at is individualism is always going to attract individuals, and that’s organically going to attract a varied demographic. Much more than the forced diversity of the Democratic party, which still manages to mostly vote for old white people.

        I would encourage our sisters and brothers from other mothers to be more vocal in public fora. The musical selections for the links would improve.

      • Florida Man

        Yeah but none of our wives are white, so…I’m not really sure where I was going with that.

      • C. Anacreon

        A friend played Cleavon Little’s daughter on a short-lived tv sitcom years back, when she was an adolescent girl. She says he was an awesome guy. Can’t imagine he would have been anything else.

      • MikeS

        Rufus looks black in his picture.

      • Rhywun

        #glibssowhite

      • commodious spittoon

        Aren’t we each a minority of one?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        No, just an Army of one.

      • commodious spittoon

        Does that mean I set my own hours?

    • LemonGrenade

      I do believe in libertarian women! I do, I do!

    • Rebel Scum

      Photo of Donald Trump Jr. holding a rifle raises flags with hate group researchers

      Why? His trigger-discipline is impeccable.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        By “hate group” they mean “groups that hate, fugly, tacky-ass, gun mods”.

      • Rebel Scum

        Shut the fuck up, libtard.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        You can boo me all you want, but you know a firearm like that is owned by someone who goes to the Chinese buffet dressed head to toe in 5.11 Tactical cargo pants and this sweatshirt.

      • Chafed

        Trump, Jr didn’t before but now that he knows about that jacket….

      • MikeS

        Yeah, I’m with HM on this. If I can’t get an AR-15 covered in anime T&A, I don’t want one.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Mike gets it.

      • C. Anacreon

        Well, hell-ll-lo, kitty!

  10. Mojeaux

    Did I mention I LOLd? Legit. “Schadenfreude toxicity” is hilarious to begin with.

      • AlmightyJB

        All day

      • Tundra

        Uh, no.

      • Tres Cool

        She’s age-appropriate.

        Hard wood.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Yeah, those boobs aged well

      • Not Adahn

        Considering what they looked like 30 years ago in Desperado, she must have had some work done.

      • Mojeaux

        That is exactly what I thought, although childbirth would explain it, too.

      • Tundra

        Why don’t you come to your senses?

      • Ozymandias

        I have no insider knowledge, however, I suspect those are real. She’s put on a fair amount of weight and, like a lot of women, some of that excess goes on los sweaterpuppieos. I suspect that if she put herself on a struct diet/workout regimen those golden globes would look a lot more like they did 30 years ago.
        As Mojo notes, she also had a child – much later than most – and I’ve seen that work miracles for some women.

      • Mojeaux

        Yeah, they don’t look fake. They look child-induced.

        I was thinking of her a la Desperado.

      • Tundra

        +1 Hooter Fairy

        (she’s real!)

  11. LJW

    Randomly stumbled across this tonight. I thought urban dictionary was for looking up slang for weird sexual acts. Apparently it’s also full of people who have a strong hatred for libertarians.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Imagine confusing libertarians with paleocons. Plebs

    • Florida Man

      #3 actually gets it right.

      • LJW

        For the most part yup, except I sense he sees it as as a bad thing.

      • Florida Man

        He does, but at least he is accurate.

      • LJW

        Although I have no ill will towards Blue Cross Blue Shield.

      • UnCivilServant

        I do. they keep forgetting to tell us when they change stuff on their SFTP infrastructure and the tranfers break.

      • Bobarian LMD

        #2 sounds like it was written by Tony.

    • leon

      libertarians believe there should be no taxes, which would end the government and structure and economy of the United States

      Where do I sign up?

    • Rebel Scum

      This is why I’m politically non-corporeal.

      • C. Anacreon

        But you want everything to be run by big corporations? ?

  12. Tres Cool

    Mideast crisis got you down? Kick your feet up and feel down-homey with the Flathead Valley, MT crime update!

  13. MikeS

    Excellent, Trashy. Really good stuff. MOAR!!11!!!

  14. R C Dean

    Oh, well done. Bee-worthy, with a few family friendly edits.

  15. UnCivilServant

    Okay, “On Unknown Shores” is stuck on a conversation. For whatever reason, I can’t figure out how best to pivot to talking about Dug’s bet on the outcome of the venatio Drea is competing in. Typically, discussing a problem will help job my mind to figure it out. So here’s what I have on the page right no (no spoilers)

    Amid reluctant grumbles, one of the guards, knocked on the door behind him. I heard the bolt drawn back, and a smaller figure peered out. “Two guests for the foreign witch. Don’t let them wander.”

    “Thank you,” I said, stepping up and passing between the guards. The smaller figure was only small in comparison to the brutish form of his fellows. He was still stocky, and almost my height. His dark hair was short, and he was clad in simple homespun. He gestured for us to go before him down a vaulted passage. Between the pillars were murals of hunting spectacles. From the background, they were scenes from the arena floor. Opening a door off the main passage, our silent guide motioned within. I steered Peter to the doorway. The smaller corridor was darker, with only ambient light spilling from attached rooms. Glancing through the openings we passed, I saw that the individual cells each had a window and arched doorway leading into the central courtyard of the building. The furnishings consisted of a bench, a table, and an equipment rack.

    At the very end of the row, we found an occupied room. Drea Wulff wore a simple green tunic and a brown skirt, her chestnut locks tied back, harshening her sharp features. She looked up, a brief smile softening her visage as she spotted Peter. The smile vanished quickly as her gaze passed over the other two men in the doorway. She sat down on the bench.

    “You may go,” Drea said. The man who’d escorted us in gave a nod and walked back the way we’d come.
    “So, what brings the ambassador here?”

    “I was asked to come,” I said.

    “We’re going to watch your fight later,” Peter said.

    “We?” Drea said with a smirk.

    “There’ll be something for me to see.”

    “I suppose I’ll have to make sure.”

    Peter stepped into the chamber and sat down next to Drea. The way they were positioned, there was no room for a third. I hobbled over to the arch to the courtyard, and sat on the sill of the window. The glint of silver on the equipment rack was nothing out of the ordinary, but the shape was off, and I took a second look. It wasn’t a weapon, but a garment. The shine came from mail links which covered most of the scant surface. What material the backing was made of, I couldn’t tell, but it was trimmed in brown fur.

    “There’s not much protection there,” I said.

    Drea laughed. “It’s jewelery. I play a role on the arena floor – a barbarian witch from beyond the empire. The outfit is a play to the crowd.”

    “I suppose it does that.”

    • UnCivilServant

      It does sound like a perfect spot for one of the other two to bring up a new topic, but it wouldn’t go directly to the bet.

      • Spudalicious

        When does the three way start?

      • Chafed

        There’s your problem.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I sense an upcoming UnCiv / Mojo collaboration.

    • UnCivilServant

      Well… I think I’ve got some more.

      “Dug may be a little too invested in your victory,” Peter said.

      “Oh?” Drea asked.

      “He bet on you to fight the Frost Wyvern.”

      “Just a little bet,” I said.

      Drea laughed, a little too loud and a little too hard, almost falling into Peter’s side.

      “What?” I asked.

      “I won’t be getting that far.”

      “What do you mean?”

      “Do you have any clue how one Venator is chosen as better than another in a tournament?”

      I shrugged. “I figured it was popularity or some set of judges.”

      “That’s the fiction. But for a beast like that, it’s a silent auction between the big schools. Whichever one bids the most will get to pick who fights the Frost Wyvern.”

      “Why would they pay for that?” I asked.

      “It raises prestige and lets them charge more later.”

    • Mojeaux

      “I suppose it does that. Any practical use?”

      Her: ________________

      Him: “I have X riding on you.”

  16. LCDR_Fish

    Wassup with the twitter feed delay? I wanna share this officially with the world.

  17. "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

    So today is either the first days of World War III or a typical bad day in the Middle East

    • leon

      Yeah I’ll say I was way off base on my optimism that nothing would turn out. I’m still hoping but not optimistic.

      • Not Adahn

        Trump just has to rhetorically say “yes yes, we’re all very scared. You’re a big strong county. Ready to give up nukes now?” and he wins diplomacy.

      • Not Adahn

        Grr. Meant to write “rhetorically pat Iran on the head and say…”

      • LCDR_Fish

        Presidential address canceled = this is a nothing-burger. Doesnt even rate a tweet.

    • Jarflax

      WWIII is gonna be shorter than I’d have thought if it is us v Iran. The occupation will probably last 20 years, but the war will be over by tax day.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        I’d be surprised if Russia and China did not indirectly or even directly involve themselves in such a conflict. The US can probably still defeat them militarily or at least draw a stalemate, but there’s no way you’re occupying Iran

      • Jarflax

        I think you are stuck in the 80s. We already have troops much closer to Russia than any part of Iran now. I suppose if we started building ships in the Caspian they might be threatened. And China? How? Why? We have forces in Pakistan, which has actually been a Chinese client state.

      • Yusef in Space......

        No need, and Russia wouldtacitly back our play, by staying out of it, and PUTIN PUPPET stuff, meaning Diplomacy,
        which I will play, soon.

      • Rebel Scum

        ^ Russia and China have a lot to risk by getting involved.

      • LCDR_Fish

        China hasn’t had a ground conflict outside of Indian and Vietnamese ground skirmishes in years. Looking forward to seeing the press they get stepping up to defend their interests in the middle east and Africa (and afghanistan).

        They can’t keep paying folks off indefinitely while imprisoning millions of muslims, etc.

      • robc

        Game 3 is waiting for 4 more players.

      • Rebel Scum

        but there’s no way you’re occupying Iran

        Word. There is no reason to have any kind of boot-on-the-ground tactic with them. If anything happens, we eliminated their military using naval and air power and let everything else sort itself out.

  18. Gustave Lytton

    The political science building on the University of Oregon campus is slated to reopen next Tuesday, once the flood remediation team finishes their cleanup.

    Poor PLC Hall. Survived bombings, now a flood, and still expected to collapse in the Big One.

  19. Tulip

    Ah ha, now we know who writes for Babylon Bee.

    • Ozymandias

      Ah, I see someone else had that thought cross their mind.

      • Ozymandias

        Well, since you don’t actually exist, I suppose this is just my imagination playing games with me.

  20. Ozymandias

    “why are you so butthurt, assholes?” before chugging nearly a full gallon of outrage effluence.

    This was all soooo goood.

    Thanks, Trashy. Absolutely Bee-worthy.

  21. Tulip

    The caramelized garlic tart I made Sunday is delicious (still eating the leftovers), but it does make my fridge reek of garlic. Next up, stuffed onions

    • Yusef in Space......

      I love you…..

      • Tulip

        Back at you

    • Spudalicious

      You’ve given up on dating?

      • UnCivilServant

        She’s gone for guys who also eat enough garlic to keep Pie away.

      • Tulip

        For now

      • Florida Man

        Men are dawgs.

      • Tulip

        Pigs, but yeah

    • LemonGrenade

      That sounds delicious. Recipe? I have damn near 3 pounds of fresh garlic that I’m trying to put to good use.

      • Tundra

        How the hell did that happen?!?

      • LemonGrenade

        My boss is a hippie and grows lots of veggies. Every time I visit the office, he offloads another few pounds on me.

      • Florida Man

        Where’d you get 3 lbs of garlic?

      • MikeS

        Grow your own?

      • LemonGrenade

        I like to imagine I’m the kind of person who would… but in truth, I’d fail miserably. We travel for more than a month at a time over the summer, which kind of puts a crimp in the ‘grow your own’ efforts. I’m lucky to know a few hobby farmers, though.

      • Tulip

        I’ve had no luck growing garlic. Despite what people have told me, squirrels apparently love it.

      • Mojeaux

        I was told that if you cover your garden in those spikey balls from sweet gum trees, the squirrels leave things alone. They don’t like walking on them.

        Nobody does, Squirrel. Nobody does.

      • Tulip

        Worth a shot. Might save my tulips

      • Spudalicious

        Hmm. I grow garlic every year and it’s the one thing the squirrels don’t touch.

      • Tulip

        Everyone tells me that, but they dig it up and have obviously bitten it. Maybe my squirrels are just assholes.

      • Spudalicious

        If it’s underground with bite marks on it, I would think more that it was voles.

      • Tulip

        Nope, dug up.

      • Spudalicious

        Interesting. Blueberries and tomatoes, yes. Garlic? Never.

      • Jarflax

        You may not have squirrels. You may have scoiattoli.

      • Tulip

        Italian squirrels?

      • Jarflax

        Cause Italians and garlic? Ok, they can’t all be winners.

      • Florida Man

        At least you tried god damn it.
        /fly you cuckoo

      • Tulip

        With my tweaks: use a 9 inch tart pan with a loose bottom. Preheat oven to 350. Use a sheet of puff pastry to line the tart pan. Cut a circle of parchment paper and add baking beads or beans and bake for 20 minutes. Remove from oven remove paper and weights. Return to oven for 5-10 minutes until golden. Remove and set aside. Leave oven on.

        While the pastry is baking:

        Separate and peel 3 heads of garlic. (Actually start this while the puff pastry is thawing. It takes a while to peel three heads of garlic.) Put in small pot and cover with water. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer for 3 minutes. Drain well, dry pot and return to heat. Add 1 tablespoon of oil and the garlic and fry for 2 minutes. Add 1 c of water and 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar and boil 10 minutes. Add 1 tablespoon of sugar, 1 tsp of chopped fresh rosemary and 1 tsp of chopped fresh thyme and 1/4 tsp salt. Boil until most of the water is gone and the cloves are covered in a caramel syrup.

        Crumble 2 oz of chevre and 2 oz of a harder goat cheese (like gouda) over the shell. Spoon the garlic and syrup into the tart shell over the cheese. Whisk 1 egg with 3 Tbsp of heavy cream and 3 Tbsp of creme tranche and 1/2 tsp of salt. Pour over the cheese and garlic. Make sure some cheese and garlic poke above the custard. Bake at 325 (lower the oven) for 35 to 45 minutes until the surface is lightly browned. Serve with a green salad with a sharp vinaigrette.

      • LemonGrenade

        My kids will hate it, my husband and I will love it. Thanks!

      • Tulip

        The next time, I’ll use 1 tablespoon of balsamic, but the original recipe called for 1 tsp – it needs more. I may also substitute brown sugar.

      • LemonGrenade

        I may end up playing with it a bit myself, depending on what’s available in the cupboard when I try it. If I make any major tweaks and like them, I’ll let you know!

      • Tulip

        Thanks. This is giving me lots of ideas. I bet a few olives, or pickled red pepper would be good, too.

      • Tulip

        I think a nice minerally white wine goes as well. Or a sweeter rose. Either is good

      • Spudalicious

        Gruner Veltliner.

      • egould310

        Thank you. Will bake this on Saturday.

      • Tulip

        Let me know if you tweak it

      • egould310

        ??

      • LemonGrenade

        Oh yeah, familiar with the old favorites. I *love* garlic, which is why I accepted so many pounds of it in the first place. I was happy to find something I hadn’t seen before to try.

      • Tulip

        Have you pickled garlic? Because that’s awesome

      • MikeS

        That reminds me; how about stuffing those huge olives with a garlic clove in the middle? I don’t know how much of a DIY option that is.

      • LemonGrenade

        I have not! Furiously googles ‘how to pickle garlic’….

      • Tulip

        I’ll put them in martinis. MikeS’s suggestion would also be good in a martini

    • Rebel Scum

      reek of garlic

      I like garlic.

      • Tulip

        Me too, but…wow, my fridge reeks

      • Rhywun

        #metoo love it

      • Tulip

        I’ll have to buy another box of baking soda

  22. Jarflax

    So what antivirus do the techy Glibs recommend now? Near as I can tell there are no unpaid review sites left.

    • Tundra

      Bareback and hope for the best!

      • Jarflax

        This is the kind of quality advice I look for! What sites have the best Chinese and Russian porn for me to view while bareback?

      • Florida Man

        This is my preferred method.

      • Rhywun

        Ditto. Never had one on Windows or Mac. Don’t be stupid and you’ll be fine.

      • Jarflax

        But, I like HM’s links!

      • Tundra

        Use a friend’s computer.

        Duh.

      • Tundra

        Or work, of course.

      • Jarflax

        I own my work computer as well. I had used Avira previously, but they are pests and I get tired of fake “Your Computer has 12 programs that need to be updated!” warnings, that re actually adds for the paid Avira Updater service.

    • Yusef in Space......

      stay away from porn, and Glibs….?

      • Jarflax

        Pfft, next you’ll tell me to diet and exercise.

      • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

        Well if you’re going to do porn you should at least be in shape

      • Bobarian LMD

        Rule 34 says there’s a place for Jarflax to work.

    • Tres Cool

      Ive always been happy with AVG products

      /100 malware scripts running in the background

    • UnCivilServant

      I’ve been using Avast. Mostly because I don’t have to pay for it and don’t trust the built in microsoft security.

      • Tres Cool

        ^^^ what virus-gloves said

    • MikeS

      I use the built in Microsoft security and have never had an issue.

    • "Tulsi Gabbard Apologist"

      Whatever McAfee suggests in that one video where he’s talking about antivirus software and doing coke with hookers.

    • Mojeaux

      Mr. Mojeaux has the household on Malwarebytes.

      • chipping pioneer

        ^^^

        MS whatevertheygot

        +

        Malwarebytes

        +

        Astrill VPN

        +

        offmarket ISP

        ÷

        private browser window as necessary

      • chipping pioneer

        Although, someone’s been trying to hack into my bank accounts the last couple of weeks.

      • LCDR_Fish

        I need to upgrade to the licensed version of avast on my laptop. I do have malwarebytes and nord vpn on my cellphone too. Faster to use my phone to do account transfers most of the time.

        Most of my accounts are dual verification systems now – and I adjusted the firefox settings to log me out and delete all cookies every time I close the program or reboot. It is a little time consuming sometimes for glibs, etc – but I feel better in general.

  23. LCDR_Fish

    Thinking about it more – I think these strikes were exclusively for iranian domestic consumption. These missiles aren’t shitty gulf war 1 scuds (most likely). They targeted air bases – generally a LOT of empty space there. Guessing theres a region we have no confirmed casualties so far.

    • LCDR_Fish

      “Reason”. I hate this stupid phone autocorrect.

    • Spudalicious

      They missed on purpose.

      • LCDR_Fish

        My assessment.

      • Not an Economist

        I don’t think the missiles were accurate enough to miss on purpose.

      • LCDR_Fish

        You might be surprised. But again – a LOT of empty space

      • Bobarian LMD

        If they are Gulf War 1 Scuds, an airbase is a hard target to hit.

        But I saw a claim that we shot one down with the truck mounted Phalanx system that I forget the name of, which means they were rockets and not missiles.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan
      • Bobarian LMD

        That’s the one.

    • Not an Economist

      When I heard about this, I expected a fair amount of coverage on the normal network channels. And I’ve seen nothing. Now I’m not saying I watched every channel every single second, but I expected to see something. and I don’t.

      • Tundra

        Yep. I’ve been looking and there isn’t shit. I think Spud and Fish are spot on.

  24. leon

    Great work Trashy! I particularly like twisting Libs and Conservatives by switching the context of which president i’m talking about.

  25. Yusef in Space......

    and of course, Great Work Trashy! I expect nothing less from the Glibertariat!

  26. chipping pioneer

    *Adds Trashy to list of favourite writers*

  27. straffinrun

    LOL. When we die of schadenfreude, do we get the 72 virgins from the LP convention?

    • MikeS

      You get one overweight naked guy, and you’ll like it!

      • straffinrun

        *Pulls Pin*

    • Mojeaux

      the 72 virgins from the LP convention

      Yes, but they’re all male.

      • MikeS

        Ha!

      • Mojeaux

        Libertarian women can get laid. 😉

      • straffinrun

        That was the joke. *Mutters obscenities under breath*

      • Mojeaux

        *pssst* Dude, I was trying to help you out there.

      • straffinrun

        No worries. I’m always mutter obscenities under my breath. Gets me a seat on the train.

  28. Mojeaux

    In my previous low-carbing life wherein I lost oodles of weight, I practically lived on mayo and beef, both of which I love(d). Then I got pregnant and couldn’t stand the smell of meat. I pretty much lived on refried beans, cheese, and Mt Dew. Last year, when my ulcer was developing (unbeknownst to me), I got to where I couldn’t eat much beef and then chicken and then mayo and then I was just down to a can of chicken noodle soup a day. In April I landed in the hospital blah blah blah blah blah. Whatever. I have an ulcer. Yippee.

    Anyway, it’s been nine months and I still can’t deal with beef without some sort of sauce or mixer (e.g., refried beans) or I get nauseated and I can’t handle mayo at all without getting nauseated. Chicken is not much better. I don’t dare try eggs. Pork is okay (???). And citrus (lemonade, orange juice) is actually soothing, as is sugar and bread. I find that whatever sounds like it might make me queasy, does.

    I don’t know WTF is going on, except that I am NOT pregnant. This is getting in the way of my weight-loss efforts. Well, what few of them there are. But low-carb is my big gun and beef is my major ammunition.

    • Tres Cool

      You ever try the CarbQuik stuff ?

      As a sub for wheat, you can do lots with it, and Im thinking perhaps start incorporating beef-y stuff.

      Then again, Ive done “fried rice” with riced cauliflower and pork. With added soy & teriyaki its decent.

    • Tulip

      Sorry Mojo

      • Mojeaux

        Meh. It just occurred to me this might not be happening if I actually took my omeprazole like I’m supposed to. (I forget.)

      • Tulip

        Yeah, that might help. I had to take pantaprazole for a while. I was able to stop after a few months

      • UnCivilServant

        I suppose the test would be to try to be more consistant with that and see if it helps. (Not a doctor, just a troubleshooter)

      • Spudalicious

        I can’t skip of day of taking omeprazole.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I went ‘down’ to famotidine (Pepcid) and it took me a week to adjust, but it works pretty well now without side effects.

    • Gender Traitor

      I’ve been doing the Atkins frozen meals for lunch on workdays, and their Beef Merlot is one of my favorites. Every time I have it in the office break room, people say, “Ooh! Something smells good!” Warning: pricier than your average frozen “diet” meal, but maybe worth a try to see if it appeals, then try cooking it yourself? Can you cook with wine? No alcohol left, or Mr. GT couldn’t do it, and he likes it too.

      • Mojeaux

        A couple of years ago (I don’t know, maybe 3 or 4, I lose time so badly), I bought wine to cook with. Never did. I get gung-ho for things and then by the time I’m “ready,” I’ve lost interest. Anyway, I just threw it out a couple of months ago.

      • Tulip

        Me too

      • Rhywun

        I make a lot of stews with my new InstaPot* and wine is a critical ingredient.

        *or just slow cook – it’s almost easier

        But yeah, before the InstaPot I never cooked with wine except a couple times to make a steak sauce

    • Charles Easterly

      “… I pretty much lived on refried beans, cheese, and Mt Dew. ”

      I once knew an individual who would have almost swooned over this statement of yours, Mojeaux, especially the Mountain Dew reference. He is the only individual that I met who could/would consume a twelve pack of Mountain Dew in one day.

      I found his self-created bean dip recipe most excellent, and, in the paraphrased words of a peer who still works at a five star restaurant, “worthy of my establishment’s kitchen”.

      Some of us encouraged the individual to market his recipe, yet to my knowledge he never did.
      Although I can appreciate his keeping his recipe a secret for whatever reason(s) he had, I can also appreciate that many individuals on various websites seem very willing to share their own recipes, just as you have.

      • Mojeaux

        Oh, thanks, Charles! Yes, you’re welcome to the recipes. I have more to put up, too, like the peppermint cheesecake I made last week.

        ANYHOO, I don’t normally drink pop, but when I do, it’s a citrusy one. Also, lemon-lime Gatorade when I’m craving it (which means my electrolytes are whacked). But now, I only ever drink Mt Dew when I’m roadtripping, which I haven’t done in years.

        Do you think you might have an idea what was in that bean dip…?

      • Charles Easterly

        “Do you think you might have an idea what was in that bean dip…?”

        I have a fairly clear idea [or not], Mojeaux. Part of my conclusions are arrived at by the individuals who I mentioned (the individual at the five star establishment, et cetera).

  29. commodious spittoon

    Who started the pot, buttsecks, and Mexicans motto, anyway? Was it John?

    • egould310

      Not to self gloss, but I think i may have first written it at the TOS. But I don’t know for sure.

  30. IntraveneousWoodChipper

    Fabulous satire: I don’t often belly laugh while on my phone but I just did. Thank you for that. Very well done!

  31. MikeS

    The Crazy Story of How Soviet Russia Bugged an American Embassy’s Typewriters

    After tens of thousands of fruitless X-rays, a technician noticed a small coil of wire inside the on/off switch of an IBM Selectric typewriter. Gandy believed that this coil was acting as a step-down transformer to supply lower-voltage power to something within the typewriter. Eventually he uncovered a series of modifications that had been concealed so expertly that they had previously defied detection.

    • Gustave Lytton

      This month marks the end of an era for IEEE Spectrum. This issue is the last in which Robert W. Lucky’s Reflections column will make a regular appearance.

      Damn.

    • Chafed

      Very clever.

  32. Charles Easterly

    Excellent work, SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr.

  33. IntraveneousWoodChipper

    So I am no expert on the ME and there is still news to come in, presumably, but it would seem to me that this Iranian “retaliation” went as well as they could have hoped. Our liberal-panty-waist set are shrieking hysterically and the missiles seem to have hit nothing of war-starting import. Face-saving achieved? Let’s hope.

    Also, fuck Iran.

      • Jarflax

        All I can think of when I read that is Michaal Hihn.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Heh.

      • straffinrun

        The first two comments sum up everything.


        ?? Anti-War ?? Nationalist ??
        @Frittle4
        ·
        47分
        @JZarif
        さん
        The American people support the government of Iran!

        Hopefully our criminal Zionist leadership will be overthrown soon!
        The Alt-Middle
        @thealtmiddlenet
        ·
        41分
        Move. Get the F out of the United States. You’re a traitor.

        As usual, I’m not in either of those camps.

      • IntraveneousWoodChipper

        “Criminal Zionist leadership”

        Yikes.

      • Tulip

        Wait, I thought Trump was an anti-Semite?

      • Trigger Hippie

        He’s the manifestation of whatever demon ails you. The Swiss Army Knife of Evil.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Hmm, that’s interesting. Thanks for the share.

      • commodious spittoon

        Not to say human life is fungible, but are we going to pretend that money and manpower spent targeting Israelis in Brazil wouldn’t be put toward targeting Israelis elsewhere? Or Americans, or Saudis, or Iraqis, or Iranian protestors?

        But yeah, long-fuse resentment is pretty worrisome.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        But yeah, long-fuse resentment is pretty worrisome.

        Welcome to Asia!

      • slumbrew

        Is Ali suggesting that there wouldn’t be some long-fuse resentment if Sulimani hadn’t been killed? Things would have been cool otherwise?

        That seems like a stretch.

        The US was already the Great Satan – but now we’ve gone too far?

      • slumbrew

        (When did I become Judge Nap? Why is everything a question?)

      • Mojeaux

        Maybe we’ve upgraded to Grand Poobah Satan.

      • Plinker762

        double secret satan

      • slumbrew

        Thank you, Plinker, that was inspiring.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        Er, maybe this time?

    • Trigger Hippie

      Er, I mean Iran doing the saving face game and calling it good.

      • Yusef in Space......

        like the Black Knight…..
        “come back!, I’ll bite your leg off!”

  34. juris imprudent

    and since libertarians hate common sense regulations, many will overdose and die.

    The whole thing is grand indeed, but that right there is a thing of sheer beauty.

  35. Yusef in Space......

    yikes!

  36. Yusef escaped California

    Better?

    • UnCivilServant

      That’s Don’s Schtick.

      Though I’m glad you escaped California.

      • Yusef escaped California

        Your quick, I’ll keep an eye you…

    • Rhywun

      Hah I was waiting for that – congrats

    • Mojeaux

      *applause*

  37. Yusef escaped California

    yes…..

  38. Chafed

    Bravo Trashy! Bravo!

  39. creech

    The Iranians ineffectual attack was probably due to their realization that you don’t go poking the biggest baddest hornet nest in town when it is now ruled by a crazy mofo. Still, they better put the stick away before they poke once too often and get their asses stung to death.

    • Mojeaux

      when it is now ruled by a crazy mofo

      President Crazy Mofo.

      I kinda like that.

    • Rhywun

      I find the link above saying that they will poke back, for real, when they feel like it, convincing. Cuz apparently that’s what they do.

    • Yusef escaped California

      there’s a YT video for that, maybe they should watch….

    • slumbrew - double secret satan
      • Mojeaux

        SomaFM! Again! Love it!

        Thank you, double secret satan.

      • KSuellington

        Nice! I’ve been plugging somafm here and the old place for years. I love them long time. Secret Agent Radio, Space Station Soma and 7inchSoul are my faves.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I listen to Groove Salad pretty much all day, via the Sonos, while I’m working.

        I throw them some money a couple times a year.

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I’m listening to Underground 80s right this second.

        Dream Academy! It’s like I’m back in high school.

      • KSuellington

        Right on, I also enjoy the Groove Salad and am due to send them a few bucks as well. I constantly find great stuff on their stations. This I dug the most from these past couple of weeks of listening:

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=M0ymw768TCQ

      • slumbrew - double secret satan

        I’m 20 seconds in and I already love it. That wah-wah…

      • KSuellington

        That’s the great thing about it, you find a song or artist you like and start digging into their other stuff. That guy makes some good ass music. Somafm is what radio should be like but is not.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Nice! I used to not like that jazz drum but it’s grown on me.

      In the sidebar https://youtu.be/s-jtdKjzQaE

      • Mojeaux

        That made me smile. What a great cover!

  40. Yusef escaped California

    Electric Eye,
    In the Sky,

      • Yusef escaped California

        Needs MOAR Metal…

      • Chafed

        Thank you.

      • Rhywun

        Right?

      • Chafed

        ?

  41. Spudalicious

    I’ll repeat, Kings of Pain is my favorite modern reality show. “What do you do for a living?”
    “We let painful and poisonous creatures bite us and then rate the pain and duration.”

    Delightful comedy.

  42. Yusef escaped California

    With Wendy still in ICU, and the drive up to vegas, I’m still not clear, GFM says to shil, so here I am again asking for help,
    gf.me/u/wvgakg
    I hope this link works,

  43. hayeksplosives

    Queuing up another episode of Greatest Tank Battles on Amazon Prime…

    • Yusef escaped California

      73 Easting FTW!

      • Bobarian LMD

        Not really much of a battle, more like firing tank table 13 CKA. We were popping turrets off their tanks from a mile further than they could see.

      • hayeksplosives

        I could watch this continuously for hours

  44. CPRM

    I’ve been drinking and Witchering, did WWIII start yet? Or am ok to pass out tonight?

    • slumbrew - double secret satan

      You can pass out – we’ll wake you if we all get killed.

      • CPRM

        I’m not ready to pass out, I was just asking if was safe. And now I’m covered in…

      • Chafed

        Is that the S Club 7 chick CPRM faps too?

      • CPRM

        Yes, she is my Mecca.

      • Mojeaux

        WTF? She’s good and she’s only got 12,000 views in a year and a half?

      • CPRM

        Well, that is some random dude’s upload of her video.

    • CPRM

      I support the 2nd amendment, but I would never term a shootout a ‘good story’

      • Chafed

        The owner was physically unharmed. The armed robber is dead. Justice was served. I call that a good day.

        https://youtu.be/bTvrLUopM4g

  45. grrizzly

    A Ukrainian passenger plane with 180 people on board crashed in Iran. No survivors.

    A Ukraine International Airlines jetliner crashed shortly after takeoff from Tehran on Wednesday with at least 170 passengers and crew members on board, according to Iranian
    state television.

    The Boeing Co. 737-800 single-aisle jet crashed after departing the Iranian capital’s Imam Khomeini International Airport en route to Kyiv.

    Pirhossein Koulivand, the head of Iran’s emergency medical services, said in a phone interview that there were no survivors. “All the passengers have died. Bodies are being collected by the
    relief team to transfer to the coroner as soon as possible.”

    • CPRM

      Double Trump Fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Mojeaux

      That doesn’t sound suspicious. Not at all. Nope. Nuh uh.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I doubt even the Iranians are stupid enough to bomb or shoot down an aircraft taking off from their own airport. Might as well just execute the passengers on the tarmac with the news cameras rolling.

    • Rhywun

      Imam Khomeini International Airport

      That guy is like the Robert Byrd of Iran, isn’t he.

      • Chafed

        Lol.

  46. straffinrun

    We went from “Speak softly and carry a big stick” to “Tweet salty and swing your big old dick”.

  47. egould310

    Small world. I’m toggling between here and the WFMU chat board, and I just encountered an acquaintance from high school. From like, 1984. We’re both old. It’s kind of funny how reading a post, you can be like, “Wait! I know this dude!”