Banker of Stirnberg, Part 4

by | Feb 13, 2020 | Books, Fiction, Literature | 187 comments

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

* * *

Due to a scheduled vote on more conventional legislative matters, the Court of Electors adjourned and I was instructed to remain at the ready to be summoned back. My first stop was retrieving my sword belt. Looking over the waiting area, I noted that it consisted mainly of the retinues of the electors. The various hangers-on and aides the princes chose to keep around flocked to their patrons as each emerged from the hall. My observations were cut short by Annika’s approach.

“What’s going on? Why are they asking about poison flowers?”

“Gunther Zweitzer fell ill and blames me. His case is laughable,” I said.

A hand fell on my shoulder. Turning slightly, I saw the familiar, bespectacled visage of my grandfather.

“That may be but there is something you need to be wary of,” he said.

“What is that?” I asked.

“Those men are not unbiased arbiters. They are princes and politicians first and foremost.”

“What does that mean?” Annika asked.

“Some will vote to convict just to hurt us. Some will vote to acquit because they find Gunther annoying. Some will wait and see if they can sell or trade their vote. The result does not hinge primarily on the facts of the case.”

My face turned ashen as dread welled up within me.

“What do we do?”

“Gunther is likely to offer to drop the charges in exchange for forgiveness of his debts. If we’re unable to secure the votes in our favor, that may be your best bet to save your neck. But don’t come to him asking for that deal. He’d just use it as a means to squeeze more out of you.”

“How many acquittal votes do you think we have?” Annika asked.

“I don’t know yet,” Prince Kord said. “That’s a delicate thing to ascertain. The more interested you appear, the more mercenary they get.”

“So, for right now?” I asked, my voice still unsteady.

“For right now, do your best to remain composed, and wait. Either Gunther will send someone to approach you, or questioning of witnesses will resume.”

“I… see. I was doing better before you told me this really could get me killed.”

“It won’t come to that.”

However confidently he said it, part of me was not reassured.

“Now they’re holding a vote on who has to pay for a punitive expedition against unlicensed river tolls. I have to be there.” My grandfather stepped away, the assortment of retainers he had forming up behind him. Directionless, I followed Annika downstairs. There was a great clot of people in the entry gallery, clogging the passage. Most were jostling for entry into the grand assembly hall, and we ended up drifting to an isolated corner to wait out the scrum.

“Annika!” a joyful voice called. Both my sister and I looked up. Gustaf von Altschaft emerged from the crowd, grinning. He suppressed the expression and donned a more formal tone. “Apologies, I am just pleased to see you again.”

“Erbprinz,” Annika said, her voice level but amicable. Seeing the look in Gustaf’s eyes, I felt sorry for the man. He was clearly smitten, but my sister had already dismissed him as boring.

“What brings you to these noisy halls?” Gustaf asked.

“I was called to bear witness before the Court of Electors.”

“Nothing serious, I hope.”

“Herzog von Stirnberg is trying to pressure me into releasing him from his debts,” I said, anger seeping into my voice.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Not unless you have much sway over the Electors or your Grandfather,” I said.

“I’m afraid the Emperor does not put much stock in my opinion,” Gustaf said.

“It was a sweet offer anyway,” Annika said.

“Are you two going to stay for the vote?”

“No, we were just waiting for the crowd to ease so we could get out of here.”

* * *

With the Diet in session and the courtly social calendar in full swing, it felt like every journeyman wizard in the Volkmund was in Stirnberg. There was a line of them waiting to get paid when I arrived home, and the line didn’t diminish until well past the appropriate time for supper. At least they were orderly, and only lightly complained. It was quite the contrast to the menial servants at the palace, who were unruly and cross. Another reminder not to eat or drink anything at the palace. Once the last wizard stomped his way down the stairs, silver in hand, I gratefully slumped in my chair. I sat numbly for a minute before dragging myself to the dining hall. A plate was waiting for me, as was Annika. I sat down and focused on my cold food.

“There’s a lot of gossip going around about you,” she said.

“Anything interesting or scandalous?”

“Wild speculation about the goings-on at the Court of Electors. If it’s any consolation, the court ladies are on your side. But that’s probably because Gunther is a sour old goat.”

“Any of them hold sway over Electors?”

“No,” Annika said, a regretful wistfulness in her tone.

“At least I’m not the villain.”

“How much are you out if you have to forgive the debts?”

“Do you mean how much won’t I collect, or how much have I spent buying debts?”

“How much have you already spent?” Annika asked.

“I’ve sunk fifty-eight thousand marks into buying debt.”

Annika’s eyes widened. “How much debt did you buy?”

“Over four million marks.”

“No wonder he’s willing to go to extremes to weasel out of paying.”

“The funny thing is, if Gunther had been willing to talk, I’d have accepted merely doubling my investment. He’d have gotten away with paying only a hundred and twenty thousand.”

“Only? I seem to recall we pay the cook two pfennigs a day. That’s what, five marks per year? She’d never be able to pay something like that.”

“Good thing she doesn’t owe that kind of money. Gunther is a Prince-Elector of the Volkmund. Even if it took a couple of years, he should be able to pay that amount. Now I’m pissed and I want the whole four million and change.”

“How are you going to collect if he gets your neck stretched?”

“Split.”

“What?”

“I wouldn’t be hanged, I’d be decapitated by sword.”

“Same effect, you’d still be dead.”

“If our mother found out I lost fifty-eight thousand marks, she’d kill me.”

“Why is she even letting you commit that kind of money? That’s obscene.”

“Look, when she told me to take over in Stirnberg, she gave me a limit. I was allowed to spend or lend upto that amount, plus however much I grew the funds. I had been growing it quite well before this.”

“Then you got greedy.”

“I expected Gunther to be rational.”

“He is. Why pay a hundred and twenty thousand marks, when you can get the debt erased in its entirety?”

My answer was forestalled by Wendel’s entry into the room. He handed a folded paper to Annika and withdrew. She broke the wax seal and opened it.

“What is it?” I asked.

“A letter from Emilie Zweitzer.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“She writes rather flowery prose,” Annika said.

“And why is she writing to you?”

Annika giggled as she read. “Apparently Prinzessin Emilie has been quite taken with you since you first presented yourself to the court. She wishes you’d spend more time there. And would be even more happy if you cut out the middle man and spent that time with her instead.”

“But why is she writing my sister this love letter about me?” I asked.

“Don’t blame me she’s not more direct.”

I sighed.

“Ah, here it is. She says she knows who really tried to poison her father. But, if you want her to testify, you’re going to have to marry her.”

“Does extortion run in that family?” I asked, throwing my napkin on my plate.

“She’s delusional anyway,” Annika said. “Gunther would never give his blessing for that union, especially if he found out she planned to turn around and testify against him.” She neatly folded the letter and tucked it away. Annika chuckled.

“What are you laughing at now?”

“If she’s offering to give witness against her father, she’s probably thought of that.”

“And?”

“And she’s probably thinking you’ll elope. She’s not got much of a personality, and is not all that attractive. And without a dowry, well…”

“So how’s that in any way funny?”

“I was just reflecting how my admirers are either charming but poor, or dull but rich.”

“Oh, I’m sure you have admirers who are dull and poor too,” I said.

“But I can ignore them. You’re the one with a neck on a chopping block.”

* * *

Despite my mental exhaustion, I continued to stay awake, fretting over my fate. If I were facing an enemy, sword in hand, I could at least do something. The fear would be tempered by activity, and not given the opportunity to gnaw away at me. Even facing dragons I knew, if I lost, I could go down fighting. But here it was up to the whim of a table full of men I hardly knew. Whatever would be to their own personal benefit. Staring into the darkness, I was acutely aware of the noises the house made in the night. Every building made noises, even if it was just the breeze against the window panes. There were also subtle creaks and pops and cracks, all perfectly normal, but fodder for an agitated imagination. The sound of a door, however, stood out.

It was an ungodly hour, and I doubted the servants would still be up and about. We only had a handful here. I rose and dressed, pulling my dagger from its sheath. The enchanted starmetal glimmered dimly, but it was still light. It was enough for me to move through the familiar spaces of the apartment. There was definitely someone else moving about. They were upstairs, in the conservatory. As quietly as I could, I ascended, and eased open the door at the top. Compared to the dim glow of my blade, their dim lantern was dazzling. It sat upon the corner of my workbench, aimed towards the dividing wall. The glass panes isolated the planters containing the black lotus plants to protect the rest of the conservatory. I’d gotten five to grow. In the trough of moist soil, they stood as upright bundles of stalks. The outer stalks were shorter, ending in broad leaves bigger than two hands put together. The inner stalks held the blossoms. Most were mere buds, as only one flower bloomed on each plant at a time. Those blossoms were huge, each almost as broad as a leaf. The midnight purple petals splayed from the smooth stalk in the classic lotus pattern, each layer of slightly curved petals a little less open than the one below.

A figure stood just outside the door to the lotus enclosure.

Whoever it was had donned my protective smock and breath mask. In one gloved hand, he held a clay pot. In the other, a pair of shears. He was shorter than me, that much was obvious from the way the smock dragged on the floor. I tried to cross the room before he unbolted the door to the lotus enclosure. I almost had my hand on him before I had to twist aside to avoid being stabbed with the shears. I grabbed his wrist with my free hand, and he returned the gesture. The clay pot shattered against the floor. We each struggled to force each other’s weapon away from our bodies. He was strong, but I wasn’t exactly a weakling either. We ended up trampling pot shards as we stumbled about, trying to contort the situation to opposing ends.

The ill-fitting smock decided the fight.

By happenstance, my foot pinned the hem to the floor, and the next few steps unbalanced the other man. Losing his footing, he stumbled, then toppled. Neither of us let go, and he dragged me down with him. We crashed to the floor, but I had the superior position. A moment after we hit, he had my knee on his sternum. The snout-like filter mask was designed to keep black lotus pollen out, but made it difficult to breathe. My knee on his chest made it even harder, and I could hear him struggling to pull in air. In a gesture of surrender, he let go with both hands. The shears tumbled from his fingers, and his other hand ripped the mask off. He sucked in as much of a lungful as my weight allowed.

He was a young man with strong, handsome features and dark hair mussed by the mask he’d just removed. Keeping my dagger pointed at his neck, I shifted my weight off his ribcage.

“Who are you?” I demanded. He was still wheezing, but I got my answer from another source.

“Kobus!” Annika gasped. She’d likely not heard the door that roused me, but the falling pot and subsequent struggle had been much louder. She’d had enough sense to don a robe over her shift, but hadn’t brought anything to defend herself with. Kobus looked at her, and I saw his heart sink.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I heard the testimony today, including the part about you growing black lotus. If you were growing them, losing one blossom wouldn’t hurt that much.”

“Why were you going to steal the flower?”

Kobus looked mournfully up at Annika, then sighed. “Because even one is worth a fortune. Alchemists will pay handsomely for a single bloom.”

“There’s enough poison in just one of those flowers to kill dozens of people,” I said.

“And it works fast, which is why people will pay so much for it.”

“Kobus, I’m disappointed,” Annika said. For his part, he was unable to raise his gaze to meet hers. All of the fight was gone from the Imperial Bodyguard, and he lay there dejectedly.

“So, what are we going to do with him?” I asked.

“I don’t care,” Annika said.

“You got me before I reached the plants. You haven’t lost anything. How about we reach a deal where I don’t lose my post?”

“You should have thought about that before breaking into someone’s house,” I said.

“You were supposed to be safely asleep. No one is up at this hour.”

“Except a man who could be facing execution on nonsense charges if it proves politically favorable.”

“I see,” Kobus said. “I’d wager that situation feels a lot like having a knife at your throat.”

My eyes flicked to the tip of my dagger, still aimed for his jugular.

“I’d have been less put off had I caught you stealing the silver. At least then, I’d know it wasn’t going to be used to kill people.”

“A poisoner who’d pay for black lotus isn’t going to be deterred by the absence of their chosen implement.”

“There’s a difference between being unable to stop a murderer, and actively aiding them.”

Doubt entered Kobus’ eyes as my words sank in.

“You mean, you’re not selling them yourself?”

“No! I’m looking for antidotes and preventatives.”

“I- I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I asked.

“I misjudged you. I thought anyone who kept a conservatory full of poison plants had to be involved in the black trade.”

“So you figured that flower would end up in someone’s drink either way?”

“Yes. And if it passed through my hands first, I’d at least get something out of the mess.”

“You’ve been around courtiers too long,” I said, climbing off him.

“Now what?” Kobus asked.

“Leave my smock and get out.”

* * *

Concluded in Part 5

About The Author

UnCivilServant

UnCivilServant

A premature curmudgeon and IT drone at a government agency with a well known dislike of many things popular among the Commentariat. Also fails at shilling Books

187 Comments

  1. UnCivilServant

    *twiddles thumbs, tries to look busy at work*

    • UnCivilServant

      So, what did you think?

      • Sean

        I was surprised by the allegation that the poisoning actually took place.

        And I liked it.

      • UnCivilServant

        So your first guess was Gunther brought completely fabricated charges against Kord?

      • Sean

        Yup. That or that an illness he might have actually had was used to concoct the charges.

      • Not Adahn

        It might have been a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a sliver of underdone potato.

      • Jarflax

        I’m still assuming the sister did it.

      • UnCivilServant

        oh?

        What’s the line of reasoning? Or is it instinct?

      • Jarflax

        Instinct I suppose. I just have a feeling from earlier parts that she has something in the works.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        I think it’s the daughter. Her plan being to get married, confess to Kord that it was her, use his desperation to acquire the plants to finish the job, and expose something unflattering about daddy to makes his death unworthy of further investigation.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Of course, her plan would fail because of Kord’s fidelity to virtue and his unwillingness to use the plants to kill Gunther.

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, she doesn’t know him very well.

  2. Gender Traitor

    The plot is thickening quite nicely! I couldn’t help but wonder, though, why they’d let him go home with no apparent guard. Maybe add something about posting a hefty bond – enough that forfeiting it would harm his family? (Or am I thinking too much in terms of real world, modern Western justice?)

    • UnCivilServant

      You’re thinking too much in terms of modern justice. Skipping town is something commoners do. Besides, it’s an admission of guilt.

  3. Urthona

    I enjoy the writing although I think missed part of the story.

    • UnCivilServant

      I tested the links to the earlier parts, they should take you back to whatever you missed.

  4. leon

    Nicely Done UCS.

    I need to go back and read the rest as i havn’t had time to yet.

  5. robc

    I thought the intruder was going to be Emilie.

    • UnCivilServant

      Any particular reason why?

      • robc

        Insane plot:

        She poisons her Father, he charges Kord. Emilie uses her knowledge of the truth to marry Kord. Kord refuses to turn his wife in, but since he is so briliiant, he beats the obviously bogus charge anyway.

        Everyone lives happily ever after.

        Also, probably something about underpants.

      • robc

        I am not saying this is where I think the plot is going, I am saying this was her thought pattern.

      • robc

        And no idea how that all connects to the burglary, but I mentioned insane right?

      • UnCivilServant

        Okay.

        I’m trying to think if underpants get mentioned, but not in this story. Prince Kord (not this narrator) did once fight a troll in a Dwarf palace while only dressed in his underwear, but that’s from a book that takes place fifty years before this.

    • robc

      and that she was the poisoner.

  6. RAHeinlein

    I always enjoy this Thursday surprise (I try to forget the day these stories post). The dialogue and character interactions were excellent and I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes.

    Thanks!

    • UnCivilServant

      I do try to make the character interactions sound natural. It’s also the best opportunity to let their personalities show through both what they say and how they say it.

  7. MikeS

    I’m waiting for it to conclude, then I will go back and read it all at once.

    And I need to get out of here before I inadvertently see more spoilers.

    • UnCivilServant

      Next week is the final part.

    • RAHeinlein

      I was just typing a response to a comment above and realized this could ruin the read for others – thanks for the call-out.

      • MikeS

        Just to clarify, I didn’t mean it as a criticism of others. I would expect people to talk about everything that has transpired up to now. I just accidentally saw more than I wanted to! ?

  8. R C Dean

    Next week is the final installment, right?

    I want to read it straight through, so I’m sitting this one out. Even the comments are a festival of spoilers.

    • R C Dean

      This has got me thinking about my intention to write fiction when I retire from full-time desk jockeying. I’m thinking I have a lot of experience with backroom deals, negotiating, stringing people up on technicalities, etc. that I should probably take advantage of.

      • robc

        I am guessing you have way more real world legal experience than Grisham.

      • UnCivilServant

        Start practicing now, so that by the time you have the time, you’ll know if you actually like to write, and will have gotten past the early teething pains of novice storytellers.

  9. UnCivilServant

    Question to the commentariat/the powers that be – what level of violence is proportionate for this site? There’s none* in this story, but there are others that include Kord getting into swordfights, or battling wild beasts, which naturally gets messy. I wouldn’t want to ruin our family friendly rating.

    *a bloodless scuffle and an off-screen poisoning is so g-rated in the violence category that it doesn’t count.

    • Tundra

      Please. The lynx are filled with worse than that every single day. Also Sugar Free.

      Write away, dude!

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, the upper bound gore-wise is when he gets chomped in the guts by a dragon and it becomes a medical drama. I haven’t written it yet (working towards that scene) but I have to make it believable that he’s not insta-dead

    • MikeS

      If it bleeds, it reads.

    • Sean

      what level of violence is proportionate for this site?

      A bit of the old ultra violence?

    • Ted S.

      Did you read the Doomcock stories?

  10. Tundra

    Nice analogy to gun control at the end.

    I thought the poisoning was all bullshit. Being extorted by the father and daughter is a great touch!

    Excellent work, UCS. I have no clue who the culprit is (but I’d still take Miss Scarlet in the library).

    • UnCivilServant

      Any analogy made is entirely accidental. So I’m not sure what you’re refencing.

      • Tundra

        “A poisoner who’d pay for black lotus isn’t going to be deterred by the absence of their chosen implement.”

      • UnCivilServant

        Ah.

        Entirely accidental, because it’s an aspect of human nature when a person has set their mind on killing.

      • Caput Lupinum

        Listen, if a guy is crazy enough and loaded enough to drop $42,000 on a piece of cardboard and he wants you dead, you’re dead.

      • UnCivilServant

        I feel I should mention I took the inspiration from Robert E Howard’s Conan stories. I’d honestly forgotten that card existed.

      • Caput Lupinum

        Unintentional or not, characters kvetching about the absurd price of a black lotus made me chuckle.

      • Tundra

        I have no idea what anything on that site means.

        And I’m OK with that.

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s a children’s card game that’s been around long enough that there are adults with too much money who play it.

      • Rasilio

        err, it was never a childrens game.

        As a practical matter the complexity of the rules makes it basically unplayable by anyone under 13 and you need to be at least 16 to be able to even begin to understand how to play it well

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t recall it being that complicated. I do recall there was rule creep around the time I left, so it might be less simple now.

        And the people I see playing it these days are of two age brackets – oldbeards who probably started around the time I played, and their young children.

      • Naptown Bill

        I want to say I was 13 or 14 when an uncle gave me two starter decks of the Unlimited Edition. It came with two Mox Jets, which was a little like winning the lottery twice in a row, as well as a Demonic Tutor. I traded one of the Mox’s for a retail box of booster packs at the local nerd store and felt like a baller.

      • Rasilio

        You try explaining the intricacies of the stack to a 12 year old

        https://mtg.gamepedia.com/Stack

        Note: this is just a single game concept that has been greatly simplified from it’s original form over the years.

        Also note, the full rules for Magic is a 238 page PDF document, the rulebook for the NFL for comparison is just 92 pages and that covers both on and off field issues.

      • Caput Lupinum

        Probably for the best. A meth addiction is cheaper.

      • UnCivilServant

        I broke my… habit…

        *twitches*

        By… switching… to plastic crack…

  11. MikeS

    I’m going OT as a service to those who haven’t read any of the series yet. I know UCS will understand. ?

    Don’t like Amy? You are a misogynist.

    It’s possible, of course, that Amy Klobuchar is just not your candidate, for reasons that have nothing to do with gender. You find her too moderate, or you have a phobia of the Midwestern hot dish.

    But there is also a possibility that sometime in the future, if she appears more on your television screen, if she continues to gain in the polls, you might find yourself thinking negatively about her, in the ways we specifically think negatively about female candidates. For reasons you cannot explain, Amy Klobuchar will suddenly remind you of your mother-in-law or your ex-wife. It will feel like she’s lecturing to you. It will feel like she’s talking too much.

    You’ll think it has nothing to do with her being a woman. It will have everything to do with her being a woman.

    When and if that happens, remember back to now. Remember that you liked her.

    • UnCivilServant

      There’s a reason I call another candidate Nanny Bloomers. Nagging politicians can piss off.

      • Jarflax

        Yeah, but the fact that Bloomberg’s nagging bothers you is hardly a defense against a charge of misogyny. You’d have to show that a man annoyed you as well.

      • UnCivilServant

        That’s a tall order, the testosterone count on that debate stage is practically in the negative numbers.

    • Tundra

      I’ve said it many times. She is an ex-prosecutor and a vile human being. I don’t give a flying fuck about her chromosomes, I give a fuck about how badly she would like to take away things I like.

    • Naptown Bill

      Sometimes people have different expectations of how women ought to behave and when those expectations are subverted they find it jarring, sure. On the other hand, the existence of the nagging woman archetype does not preclude the existence of actual women who actually nag. Also, there are white people who have no sense of rhythm and black people who are lazy. Blaming personal failings on a convenient stereotype is not proof of the bigotry of your accusers.

      • l0b0t

        The Scold’s Bridle exists for a reason.

    • Rebel Scum

      phobia of the Midwestern hot dish

      Deep dish?

      Anyway, I might like her a little more if she would shut her trap and make me a sammich.

    • invisible finger

      I identify her as a man. That’s my truth and I’m sticking to it.

      • Fourscore

        If she reminds me of my ex then I’m even more happy that the past is way, way long ago.

      • Not Adahn

        It looks like the drive to the Honey Harvest will take a couple of days, probably should make it three so I can do touristy things on the way like visit Niagra Falls, eat a Beef on Weck in Buffalo, piss on the ground in Cleveland, that sort of thing.

      • R C Dean

        I have done two of those three things.

        Never been to Buffalo.

      • Nephilium

        Hey now! We’re not Detroit!

    • Ted S.

      I’m sure that writer loved Sarah Palin and Margaret Thatcher.

  12. Not Adahn

    So…

    Kord marries his debtor’s heiress, meaning that if Gunter dies/abdicates, Kord has paid a lot of money to owe money to himself?

    • UnCivilServant

      If that scenario plays out, that would be accurate.

      • Not Adahn

        I’m seeing extremely little upside to that union then.

      • Not Adahn

        I wonder how many votes can be bought by redistributing promissory notes on ol’ Gunter.

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t know if there’d be enough to buy the court decision, and those left out might rule against out of spite.

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, on the third hand, it would have gotten rid of the family debt cheaply if he were interested in the title/estates.

        On the fourth hand, we don’t know who’s poisoning Gunther yet.

      • Jarflax

        Gripping hand! I should reread that.

      • robc

        Yes, you should. Read Mote first, its better, but the sequel is good too ( and has a math error).

      • robc

        Ignore me post, I see the “re-” now.

    • UnCivilServant

      Sounds like something we’ve talked about.

      Oh yea, Pat mentioned it in the Morning Links.,

      • Ted S.

        You were supposed to ask if drugs fell out of the guy’s ass when he was released. :-p

    • Fatty Bolger

      From the comments:

      stevesttn88 Wise, Aged Ars Veteran FEB 12, 2020 3:55 PM

      This is exactly how the gov’t comes after all our rights…
      .they use child molesters as the example.

      There is little doubt in anyone’s mind that this guy’s situation would be used as a threat against B level hackers and movie downloaders that do not want to be forced to produce their passwords….

      This guy is a monster. But the gov’t didn’t have [to have] the evidence from the hard drives.

      This is exactly right. They had enough evidence to convict this guy without the drives. But they wanted to set a precedent, and use a pedo to do it instead of somebody more sympathetic.

      • Not Adahn

        Why didn’t they just ask Huawei to decrypt them?

      • UnCivilServant

        Backdoor is for China Government only, gweilo.

      • ChipsnSalsa

        The didn’t want these specific drives unlocked. They want the power to to jail anyone who does not decrypt future devices.

      • leon

        What seems crazy to me is the idea that refusing to give a password is not protected by the Fifth amendement.

        There aren’t enough judges swinging from lightposts in this country.

        *DISCLAIMER*

        Preet you can go fuck yourself.

      • kinnath

        Apparently, I am out of date.

        I thought it was established that 1) you can be forced to provide finger prints, blood samples, and other physical stuff, and 2) you cannot be forced to divulge knowledge such as passwords.

    • UnCivilServant

      “Furtive Movement!” *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam*

      *reload*

      “Keep your hands above your head and lie down with your hands behind your back!”

      *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam* *blam*

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Dammit, where did I leave that drop gun when I really needed it?

    • WTF

      Holy shit, that is hilarious.

    • ChipsnSalsa

      My non-confrontational self is cringing.

    • ChipsnSalsa

      Last year, at the start of the fall semester. Baylor president Linda Livingstone announced that the Texas Baptist university’s Board of Regents had reaffirmed its traditional teaching on sexuality:

      “The University affirms the biblical understanding of sexuality as a gift from God. Christian churches across the ages and around the world have affirmed purity in singleness and fidelity in marriage between a man and a woman as the biblical norm.”

      … but, according to President Livingstone, there would be changes:

      With this said, we understand that we must do more to demonstrate love and support for our students who identify as LGBTQ.

      “With this said” meaning “I said the formal stuff those religious stiffs on the board want me to say, now onto the heathenism!”

      • robc

        Love and support means electroshock therapy?

      • ChipsnSalsa

        No, but it also doesn’t mean thrusting what your institution sees as inappropriate up for veneration.

        We have a lesbian couple with an adopted kid at our church. They are treated respectfully and no one (to my knowledge) gives them a hard time for their choices. While they won’t be holding leadership positions, they also won’t be asked to leave.

      • robc

        That seems to be in line with what Baylor is doing.

    • Chipwooder

      UVA, when I was there 20+ years ago, was a fairly apolitical campus. It’s painful to see what it has become now.

  13. Tundra

    Chicago’s Abusive Fines and Fees Harm the Poor and Highlight Troubling National Trend

    These changes also fail to address the root of the problem: Chicago’s desperate need for revenue. That need has led Chicago, like many other cities struggling financially, to see fines and fees as an easy source of revenue that comes without the political cost of raising taxes.

    Besides distorting the public safety purpose of code enforcement, such “taxation by citation” may have serious long-term consequences because cities often violate people’s rights in pursuit of revenue. According to a 2019 Institute for Justice report, The Price of Taxation by Citation, although fines and fees may give cities a short-term financial boost, a reliance on this revenue may actually decrease communities’ trust in government in the long run.

    The report surveyed residents of three metro-Atlanta cities that generated, on average, 14% to 25% of their revenues from fines and fees which is much higher than the 3% average across the state. Residents with recent citations reported lower levels of trust in government officials and institutions than residents without.

    Are there no lamp-posts in Chicago and Atlanta?

    • Not Adahn

      There are, but all the rope has been bought by Nigerians.

      • Ozymandias

        *polite applause*?
        Looks around, nods appreciatively

      • Annoyed Nomad

        Lol!

    • leon

      A while back a State Senator pushed a bill to limit how much localities could make from traffic tickets. It was seen as a direct reproach of a certain small town that happens to straddle a certain highway through canyon. The town is known throughout the state for pulling anyone driving any amount over the speed limit, and was the main source of income for the town.

      Straight up Highway Robbery and interference of trade.

      • UnCivilServant

        A while back, New York was debating a law that would send traffic citation revenues to the general fund. Several towns threatened to simply stop writing tickets.

        I don’t think anyone was in it for the drivers, they all just wanted the money.

      • Urthona

        Another bonus.

      • UnCivilServant

        The law died, so the towns are still robbing drivers.

      • Urthona

        IMO, the purpose of traffic fines should be to give local law enforcement a tool for pulling someone over who is recklessly endangering everyone. Other than that, they serve no purpose.

      • Q Continuum

        No *moral* purpose. Their primary purpose is to bilk additional money from tax cattle and they work exceptionally well at that.

      • Naptown Bill

        Around here, there’s always an unbelievable amount of traffic on summer weekends going over the Bay Bridge and across the eastern shore to get to Ocean City or the Delaware beaches. Ocean City is typically a younger crowd and there’s really only one way there from points west, so the road (and it’s basically one road) between the bridge and there is packed full of cars. It is a known scam that every little podunk hamlet between Kent Island and Ocean City will post a speed limit drop of like twenty MPH in some inconspicuous place along the road (or just happen to not have gotten around to replacing the one that was blown down in a strong wind recently) specifically to hit beach traffic for speeding ticket revenue. They do it on the Delaware route too, apparently. And it’s blatant, too; I’m talking about a stretch of two-lane highway going through a flat, open field that goes from 50 MPH to 25 MPH miles before you’re within sight of a town.

    • Q Continuum

      “a reliance on this revenue may actually decrease communities’ trust in government in the long run”

      Well my stars, how is this even possible!

    • Urthona

      It seems really obvious to me that the local municipality should never get the money themselves from fines. It’s a huge corruption problem. That money should go somewhere else.

      • invisible finger

        ‘That money should go somewhere else.”

        Trying hard to figure out who deserves stolen property.

      • UnCivilServant

        Send it all to me. I’ll be a good custodian of it.

    • invisible finger

      “a reliance on this revenue may actually decrease communities’ trust in government in the long run.”

      I wish.

      Meanwhile, these “poor” people keep voting for more government. We’ve got a looong way to go before reaching critical mass on distrusting government.

    • RAHeinlein

      The last time we were at our Chicago place, the city offices had huge signs about ticket amnesty.

  14. kinnath

    Great story.

      • kinnath

        I can’t get here till sometime after 12:30 CST, but I do look forward to reading the episodes.

      • UnCivilServant

        That’s fine. I have no expectation that people will leap breathlessly to their computers to catch the latest installment.

  15. leon

    Question about Woodchipergate:

    Do you think that one of the commenters there tipped Preet onto the case or that he just happened to find it?

    • Q Continuum

      Had to have been tipped off somehow.

    • UnCivilServant

      I think it was in an article about a judge and the judge whined, so the question is how the judge landed there.

      • Bobarian LMD

        There was probably some touching going on as well.

  16. WTF

    Excellent story, UCS, I can’t wait to see how it ends.

    • UnCivilServant

      It ends with the line:

      End

      • WTF

        No spoilers!

      • Gender Traitor

        Aaaaaargh! Spoiler!

      • Not Adahn

        Seriously, just ROT13 it.

        Raq

  17. whiz

    UCS,

    Is this going into the next book? (I’ve been out of touch for a while, and wasn’t sure.) If so, I may wait until then to read the whole thing.

    • UnCivilServant

      This is not. It’s a more or less standalone story in the same universe that I had laying around. It is in fact set twenty years after the next book.

      • UnCivilServant

        *give or take twenty years. Maybe as much as twenty six, but in that order of magnitude.

      • whiz

        Thanks. Like R C Dean, I will wait for the final part, then binge-read.

      • R C Dean

        Like R C Dean, I will . . .

        If only more people had this enlightened attitude.

  18. Mojeaux

    Well! The clot thickens! I am thoroughly enjoying this.

    I have an idea who did it based on what *I* would do, but I will not say.

    • UnCivilServant

      Oh, come on. I mean it’s already written, so it’s not like you’ll influence the outcome. Hearing theories is half the fun.

      • Mojeaux

        Nope.

        Also, I hate being wrong. If I am wrong, I won’t have been wrong in public.

      • Nephilium

        Yes, but you also won’t have been right in public.

      • Mojeaux

        I can bury my shame deeper if no one else sees it.

      • robc

        I invoked underpants gnomes in my theory, you cant be more wrong than me.

      • Mojeaux

        Dang I wish I could draw the visual that just popped in my head.

      • Not Adahn

        Well, he did mention mini-wizards again…

      • Mojeaux

        The only real wizards are Japanese carpenters and their joinery sorcery.

    • Ted S.

      Well, you would include a sex scene.

      • Mojeaux

        You say that like it’s a bad thing.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m not sure the setup is there for one

      • Mojeaux

        Nope. There sure is not.

  19. Raston Bot

    who needs their balls punched? that abducted Cayce, SC 6-year old girl’s body was just found alongside the body of an unknown male.

  20. Mojeaux

    Just ran across this:

    In our age of careless abundance, austerity is a luxury

    Thomas Hine? I think.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Minimalism can be. I think back to my parents who were of the use it up, make it do, or do without mindset. Cleaning out their home after they passed was a chore and a half because they kept everything, The minimalist with some money knows they can buy what they don’t have.

      • Mojeaux

        The article it came from was a critical reading assignment XX TD had a few years ago. The article posited that the big box stores were a sign of a wealthy and free society.

  21. Mojeaux

    The standard of life is determined not so much by what a man has to enjoy, as by the rapidity with which he tires of any one pleasure.

    Simon Patten, in 1889.

    • Caput Lupinum

      Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.

      Epictetus

      • Bobarian LMD

        He who dies with the most, wins!

        Malcolm Forbes

      • kinnath

        I want My MTV!

  22. R C Dean

    Prediction for next stage of the Dem primaries:

    (1) Warren’s campaign is over, but the DNC will keep it on life support to siphon hard left votes from Bernie.

    (2) Much pressure will be put on Buttigieg and Klobuchar to get one of them to drop out so they stop splitting the “moderate” not-hard-left vote. Klobuchar will probably out-perform Buttigieg on Super Tuesday (based on zero polling research on my part), so Buttigieg will likely survive. Unless the “We’s gotsta to have a vagina” crowd wins the slapfight in the DNC boardroom.

    (3) No pressure will be put on Bloomberg to drop out, because they like those billionaire bucks just way too much.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Based on this reading it looks like Klobuchar for the nomination with Bloomberg as a possible.

      • R C Dean

        The list is getting short, and the game now is to get Bernie lose more or less fair and square to avoid a total cock-up at the convention. The way to do that is to get the “moderates” to stop splitting the not-Bernie vote. That pretty much leaves the DNC trying to drag Klobuchar, Buttigieg or Bloomberg over the finish line.

        Super Tuesday could be a disaster, if it replays NH – sizable not-Bernie vote, but split so Bernie has the plurality. I don’t know how they get either Special K or Buttigieg to drop before then. I think Warren won’t drop before then, but the DNC will try to prop her up to split the “I’m an idiot leftist vote”.

        I think whoever the leading not-Bernie is after Super Tuesday will get the nom.

    • Raston Bot

      but does Bernie’s camp burn it all to the ground?

      • R C Dean

        I can hope, but I think the DNC can keep their anti-Bernie shenanigans to a decent level, probably not.

        If he goes to the convention with a plurality or better (unlikely), they are fucked.

      • Raston Bot

        if his delegates to the convention are anything like his canvassers that were filmed by Project Veritas, then things will get ugly.

    • Ted S.

      Has Biden dropped out? Who else is getting the black vote?

      • R C Dean

        Biden’s done. Just doesn’t know it. Trying to get candidates who have whipped him twice to drop out in his favor is a non-starter, so he’s not going to be the not-Bernie.

        I guess maybe if his campaign rises from the dead on Super Tuesday, but I just don’t see it. He has underperformed shockingly, and I don’t think that turns around.

    • Old Man With Candy

      Wait, Buttigieg doesn’t have a vagina?

      • Raston Bot

        he has a vagina in the back.

        okay, kill me now but i’m cackling over typing that.

    • Naptown Bill

      It seems pretty clear that the DNC emphatically does not want Bernie Sanders to get the nomination, or even worse, somehow win the election. I think they correctly predict that would be a serious blow to the party’s draw in subsequent elections at virtually every level and a real injury to their brand. But, then, who? And what happens if they get their wish and someone like Klobuchar or Bloomberg gets it and the Dem faithful just don’t bother leaving the house on election day? I think that however this falls out the Bernie Bros. rift is just going to get wider and wider until they either take over the party or splinter off.

      • R C Dean

        And what happens if they get their wish and someone like Klobuchar or Bloomberg gets it and the Dem faithful just don’t bother leaving the house on election day?

        That’s a relatively routine lost election.

        I think that however this falls out the Bernie Bros. rift is just going to get wider and wider until they either take over the party or splinter off.

        The Dems have chosen their own destructor. How the hard left and the “moderates” in the Dem Party deal with losing this November will be crucial. Without the House or Senate (which I have no idea who will win those), they will have nothing to distract or occupy their faithful, they will have buckets of blame to splash on each other and nothing better to do than full-on internecine warfare.

  23. Old Man With Candy

    Last!

    • Gender Traitor

      Nuh-uh!

      • Old Man With Candy

        Uh-huh!

      • Walford

        Think again!

  24. DEG

    I like this.

  25. bacon-magic

    More please.

    • UnCivilServant

      There’s one more part coming next week.

      • Walford

        Hmmm just what RR M would say.

      • UnCivilServant

        What did you think of the story?

      • Walford

        I am having a touch of empathy for Kord from my small stint as a repo-man. You find out quickly not all people are wired the same. The story itself is entertaining. Reads quick and simple but not childishly. I think the forced breaks make for a better read because it induces me to take a moment and think about it where I wouldn’t have done that if I read it straight through.

      • UnCivilServant

        Thank you. It’s always nice to get new viewpoints.