Crackpot’s Corner: Build-A-Heresy!

by | Feb 4, 2020 | Religion | 279 comments

There is nothing new under the sun [1].  I’m sure that every possible Christian heresy has been discovered, cataloged, and meticulously preserved in some forgotten Vatican sub-basement filing room somewhere.  Having said that, I’ve never been able to find out the name of the one that I “invented” in any online research [2].  Honestly, an awful lot of the more famous ones are kind of boring and silly, reducing down to “everyone do this thing I like because Jesus and all sins are forgiven.”  To me, a good heresy should occur when you take an established piece of doctrine, then logically [3] extend it out from there.  Just adopting orthodoxy and deleting out the bits you don’t like smacks of lazy cafeteria-churchism to me.

So the basis of “Incarnationism”[4] is:

-God is One

-Christ is fully God and fully Man

-We should be like Christ and completely embrace both our Divine and animal natures.

Therefore we should develop our souls through prayer, contemplation, study, good works, and encouragement of these same traits in others.  We should develop our bodies through lifting, running, throwing, fighting, fucking, eating and sleeping.  The arts can develop both aspects of ourselves.  Denying those things that bring us physical or spiritual joy is to deny the plan that God has for our lives.

What heresies would you propose?

 

 

[1]  Mark Twain, A Man for All Seasons

[2] I absolutely suck at online research

[3] Or at least make your logical leaps overlookable.

[4] I’m not sold on the name.  I considered “Christian Hedonism,” but that seemed to be ignoring the spiritual development that I was going for.

About The Author

Not Adahn

Not Adahn

Despite all my rage, I am still just an impeccably dressed rat.

279 Comments

  1. Timeloose

    “We should be like Christ and completely embrace both our Divine and animal natures.“

    Devo said it back in the day as “Half a goon and Half a God”.
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PBoj-JzQDnc

    • AlmightyJB

      In other words, we should whip it good.

    • Animal

      “…Divine and animal natures.“

      Leave me out of this.

      • Not Adahn

        Seen the Henry Model X?

      • Animal

        Just in photos. Looks really interesting, although I’m still a tad disappointed that it still has that hole in the underside of the magazine tube.

        My son-in-law has a Henry .45-70 lever gun and he loves it. I suppose one of these days I’ll have to try shooting one.

      • DEG

        I saw some 45-70 Winchesters at the upcoming Rock Island Auction. I am tempted but I want to shoot more instead of buy this year.

  2. Donation Not Taxation

    Based on reactions, it is heresy to all parts of the political spectrum that if you like your government-run ___ you can keep your government-run ___ if you can get people to voluntarily donate to pay for it AND it is heresy to suggest that opt-out victimless offenses are OK, such as if do not like the strings attached to being a government employee, contractor, etc., then do something else, but that if you don’t have identifiable victim(s) then legalize it.

  3. Q Continuum

    Sounds like the “you are god” stuff from Stranger in a Strange Land.

    So you’re right; there’s nothing new under the sun.

    • Animal

      It was “Thou Art God,” but, yeah.

  4. Mojeaux

    I actually like “Christian Hedonism,” but yeah, the hedonist doesn’t really say what it needs to say.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Christian Paganism?

  5. robc

    I have some comments.

    1. Not sure what you mean, or you are contradicting #2. If you are repeating the anti-Trinity heresy, okay. But then Christ isnt fully God.

    2. Okay. Seems pretty standard.

    3. Okay. But being like Christ means to avoid some of the temptations of the animal nature (and of the God nature).

    As for the rest, I see Solomon nodding in agreement. Although he is a bit pissed about footnote #1.

    • robc

      tl;dr version:

      Your heresy may be too subtle.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Maybe if you added some pictures?

    • Nephilium

      3. Okay. But being like Christ means to avoid some of the temptations of the animal nature (and of the God nature).

      /hides smiting lightning bolt under a desk.

      • Shirley Knott

        Better hide the fig trees as well.

    • Mojeaux

      anti-Trinity heresy, okay. But then Christ isnt fully God.

      I disagree, but that’s based on my own doctrine (which denies the Trinity, being that God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost are one IN PURPOSE), so I won’t argue the point.

      Being anti-Trinity is the supreme heresy to Christian orthodoxy.

      Your heresy may be too subtle.

      Agreed, but see again the bit about anti-Trinitarianism.

    • Mojeaux

      being like Christ means to avoid some of the temptations of the animal nature (and of the God nature).

      Yes and no.

      He denied Satan’s temptations not because they were animal/sinful in nature, but because he had committed to a course of action and would not stray. And as I’m typing out a refutation of your point, I realize you have a point.

      OTOH, he didn’t deny his animal nature when he chased the moneychangers out of the temple with a whip. He was right(eously) pissed.

      And I do not believe he was celibate. There is no reason a Jewish man raised in a Jewish culture would forego marriage, especially into his 30s.

      • Mojeaux

        Fuck a duck.

        Clearly I cannot thread right. From now on, wherever it lands is wherever it lands. No more duck fucking.

      • SDF-7

        Talk about embracing your animal…. nature…

      • Swiss Servator

        STEVE SMITH EMBRACE ALL NATURE!

      • Plinker762

        Oh deer

      • robc

        here is no reason a Jewish man raised in a Jewish culture would forego marriage, especially into his 30s.

        Paul?

      • Mojeaux

        You have a point, but to wdalasio’s point that it was never noted that Jesus was celibate/single, MUCH was made of St. Paul’s marital/asexual status. It would have been remarkable for Jesus to have been single/celibate and this remarked upon. But it wasn’t.

      • Mojeaux

        thus*

      • wdalasio

        There is no reason a Jewish man raised in a Jewish culture would forego marriage, especially into his 30s.

        Moreover, there’s no reason to believe that it wouldn’t have been really noted if he did. But, I’ve never heard of the Bible referencing Jesus the Bachelor, Jesus the Virgin, or Jesus the Incel.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        There is no reason a Jewish man raised in a Jewish culture would forego marriage, especially into his 30s.

        Maybe he was gay?

      • Mojeaux

        Pretty sure it would have been remarked upon or used as a weapon against him.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        Like him being celibate (or married or above the needs of the flesh) was remarked upon?

        OR

        Maybe he kept his gayness a secret to he didn’t get stoned to death?

      • DenverJ

        The Roman’s and Greeks didn’t care about homosexuality, they only cared who was the giver and who was the receiver. One of the reasons ex-slaves were disdained is because it was assumed that they had been forced to be receivers.

    • Not Adahn

      1. Credo in Unum Deum.

      It’s not anti-Trinitarian at all. In fact, you need this mystery for the rest of it to hang together.

      • robc

        That was why I asked for clarification. Claiming one God is either consistent with Trinitarianism, or a heresy, but it wasn’t clear which you meant.

      • Not Adahn

        I was going for a completely different practice while adhering to as much of orthodoxy as possible. Trinitarianism allows multiple “contradictory” elements to exist at the same time. By accepting that you can have a version of Christianity wherein temple prostitutes are legitimate. Humans being NOT God of course, are only two and one, not three.

  6. Chipwooder

    I apologize for threadjacking so quickly, but the last thread is soon to shuffle off its mortal coil, so I’ll post this here: let this guy learn y’all some knowledge – it’s actually the GOP that is to blame for the Dem caucus fiasco!

    • Chipwooder

      Eh, that wasn’t the right link

    • kinnath

      Number 1 item on google news right now:

      Tech firm started by Clinton campaign veterans is linked to Iowa caucus debacle

      An app created by a tech firm run by veterans of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign is taking heat for the unprecedented delay in reporting Democratic caucus results from Iowa.

      Brought to you by those wonderful folks that want to take the reins on every aspect of your life.

      • kinnath

        CNN is on top of everything.

        Iowa Democratic vote-reporting meltdown hands opening to Trump

        The Democratic 2020 mission to oust President Donald Trump could not have got off to a more disastrous and embarrassing start.

        The party couldn’t even deliver a first-in-the-nation election night winner after a vote-reporting debacle in Iowa — where candidates spent months and millions of dollars vying for a glittering opening prize in their nominating contest.

        Squeeeee!

      • Rhywun

        Didn’t stop Booty from declaring victory in spite of the app he helped support not delivering any results yet.

      • Not Adahn

        I was extremely surprised that he did that. I thought his whole persona was to be less of an overtly venal politician.

      • Rhywun

        Nah. He’s been pretty good at hiding it but it’s been there all along. Watch him get holier-than-thou in front of a pro-life crowd if you have any doubts about that.

      • kinnath

        “Can I have my card back?”

      • Sensei

        Well, you’ve already signed it…

      • Sean

        OMG. That really happened.

      • Rhywun

        LOLOLOL

      • Florida Man

        I’m sure SNL is writing their parody how the Democrats are too stupid to count votes. Also, I’m sure this will be a stain on Iowa’s reputation for decades like it was for FL when corrupt democrats couldn’t steal the election for Gore.

      • kinnath

        Best Possible Time Line (at Slate)

        Aside from stirring confusion and competing narratives around the outcome, the lack of results offered an excellent trolling opportunity for President Donald Trump, who won the Iowa Republican caucuses (yes, they had them) by 96 percentage points over his nearest opponent. Trump’s campaign wasted no time in sowing doubt about the legitimacy of the outcome and ridiculing the Democratic Party for its incompetence. “It would be natural for people to doubt the fairness of the process,” Trump 2020 campaign manager Brad Parscale said in a statement. “And these are the people who want to run our entire health care system?”

        Sorry, but I am enjoying this immensely. Couldn’t ask for a better outcome from Iowa. Everyone on the Dem side is damaged by this.

      • kinnath

        More tears from Salon.

        One Democratic presidential candidate has won the Iowa caucuses. But because of an epic project management failure, we likely won’t know who that winner is until sometime late Tuesday — at best.

        Not since the spectacular failed launch of Healthcare.gov, the Obama administration’s online insurance exchange that nearly doomed the Affordable Care Act, has there been such a grand display of technological incompetence. Fyre Fest, after all, played no part in potentially electing the next president of the United States. “Dems in disarray,” a sometimes ironic meme deployed by the left and right alike, serves as an apt description of the disastrous first vote of the 2020 presidential cycle.

      • Sean

        Seriously. I can’t wait to see how they can top this.

      • DenverJ

        Thursday morning the House will start new impeachment proceedings.

  7. Creosote Achilles

    Christian Arete or Aretism(sp?) . It’s awful close to the Greek concept of Arete, of pursuing both mental and physical excellence. That a complete man is one who embraces both his intellect and his physicality. Save for the using good ole JC as justification, it is pretty close to my own philosophy.

  8. Timeloose

    my heresy is look to the ancient writings as the stories and allegories that they are. Take what lessons they have to teach and ignore those that seem to be based on no longer valid reasoning. Not eating pork when trichinosis existed made some sense as did an afterlife when your life was short and full of terrible drudgery.

    • Francisco d'Anconia

      I like this.

      Religion is/was a way to move the masses to another’s will. Many times it had a positive effect on society as a whole. Other times it was nothing more than a way to obtain and maintain power. And, I think much of religious “policy” reflects the bias of the authors (or of the times) without them giving it much thought at all.

      • Gadfly

        Religion is/was a way to move the masses to another’s will.

        From this perspective, a counterargument can also be made that religion was a way to restrain the state, not the masses. Consider man in his primitive state, where death and violence rule the day and the man who can muster the most violence to his command rules the land. Without religion, the king is the ultimate power in the universe. With religion, the king has someone(s) who outrank him, who he must obey. Sure, a king can try to circumvent this by declaring himself a god, but I know of no ancient king who proclaimed himself the only or supreme god and know of many who went to great lengths to demonstrate their piety to the masses. The king had no need of religion to restrain the people, as he already held the power of life and death, but the people had need of religion to restrain the king.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        Interesting. Hadn’t thought of it like that.

        But at first blush, it seems much more likely that the religious leaders were in cahoots with the king. “I’ll steal them blind while you give them an afterlife to live for so they won’t notice how miserable they are in this one.”

        The king had no need of religion to restrain the people

        He does if he’s a tyrant. If he pushes too far, there could be an uprising. If he can claim it’s God’s will you suffer, and any move against me you forfeit your afterlife, then he has yet another method of control.

        And I’m not big into ancient history, but didn’t many kings claim to be the mouthpiece of God? (I may be pulling this from Robin Hood movies?)

        Anyway. I’ll ponder your notion further.

      • Gadfly

        But at first blush, it seems much more likely that the religious leaders were in cahoots with the king.

        I did stack the argument more strongly in one direction, when realistically if religion were an invention of man the control aspect of it really was more a combination of the two sides (king controlling subjects, subjects controlling kings). In fact it could be likely that religion was a tool of the intellectual class (priests) to attempt to exert control over both the martial class (kings) and the commoners. But what I’ve read of ancient religions (admittedly only general knowledge) they don’t seem to be pro-ruling class enough to have been the invention of the rulers.

        And I’m not big into ancient history, but didn’t many kings claim to be the mouthpiece of God?

        Not unheard of, but it is far more common for the religious power to be vested in an institution outside of the monarchy. Of course they could and often did collude, but it was also common for their to be conflict if the secular leader tried to buck the party line. Basically, it seems that not only could the people be somewhat kept in line, to a lesser extent the kings could be as well. It wasn’t a one-way street.

  9. Not Adahn

    FYI: This was inspired by stuff I had thought about long ago being brought to the foreground by the split and inevitable death of the church I was confirmed in (United Methodist Church)

    • Swiss Servator

      Yeah…I decided to transfer from the UMC to the Lutherans. Some of them actually still behave like a Christian church!

  10. Q Continuum

    @Mojeax’s misthreaded comment:

    “He denied Satan’s temptations not because they were animal/sinful in nature, but because he had committed to a course of action and would not stray”

    Gonna play Devil’s advocate here (harharhar). As you all know, there is hardly a bigger supporter of animal nature on this board than me; however, I think the prohibitions on “excessive” hedonism go to the prohibition on idolatry. The pleasureless, ascetic strains of Christianity have always stupefied me as (((we))) have always been taught that sexual and physical pleasure is a gift, it just has to be expressed in the “right” way (ie: with a spouse) and not “excessively” (whatever the fuck that means).

    However, worship of pleasure is just like worship of power or worship of knowledge or worship of anything corporeal; it goes against the prohibition of idolatry, IMO the strongest prohibition of all (and for good reason). We see what happens when people begin to worship manmade institutions and try to create Heaven on Earth; it invariably becomes Hell. I see in prog/soc/commies a rejection of infinite G-d and embracing of what they see as corporeal god-like power. It brings misery and death. Worship of pleasure is equally destructive but primarily to the individual rather than the World.

    • Not Adahn

      *nods*

      Under Incarnationism, forgoing the joys of the body is a sin, just like rejecting the Salvation offered to you.

    • Creosote Achilles

      As part of the “animal nature” contingent, I think that’s a good point about idolatry.

      I never really understood the ascetic sects either. And going back to your earlier point about “Stranger in a Strange Land” one of the key elements of the church Michael took over was that it featured the idea of pleasure as a sacrament, only having a broader definition of when it is appropriate. I think that’s an interesting distinction; between making pleasure a sacrament and an idol.

    • Bobarian LMD

      and not “excessively” (whatever the fuck that means).

      It means you can’t afford the cleaning bill.

      • Not Adahn

        Rarely have I encountered one so enlightened.

    • Mojeaux

      I don’t really think that’s contradictory to what I said. It’s just a deeper analysis. Or maybe that’s just in my own mind and I failed to convey that.

      • Q Continuum

        I was just expanding on what you said 🙂 .

      • Mojeaux

        Oh, yay!

        While I have thought deeply about some points of Christian orthodoxy, I have left others to straggle behind in my thinking, as say, the concept of idolatry.

        Envy and pride are big ones for me, though.

        And at some point, I think I left idolatry behind as I’m quite certain there is a very tight Venn diagram of envy, pride, and idolatry such that they may all be one. The trinity of sins, perhaps.

  11. AlmightyJB

    God doesn’t exist. How’s that?

    • Not Adahn

      Boring. Played out. Unoriginal. Simpsons did it.

      • AlmightyJB

        That’s all I really have since that’s all there really is.

      • Not Adahn

        You could at least cloak it in academic pseudo-intellectualism and call it “existentialism” or maybe set it to music.

      • AlmightyJB

        I feel no need to replace one fantasy with another. I don’t normally bring it up myself. I only mention it because it’s the topic.

      • Pope Jimbo

        One of the reasons I say I am an unbeliever is because I’m totes bored with any arguments about religion.

        Atheists can be as tedious and doctrinaire as any bible thumping baptist and you are likely to get in arguments with them if you refuse to deny god’s existence. Just a boring, boring, argument (at least to me).

      • AlmightyJB

        Yeah, I have that same issue with “devout” Atheist who like to act “morally superior” to believers. It’s like morally superior based on what?

    • Fatty Bolger

      Say God exists. His actions are so random and haphazard that it’s as if he didn’t exist. Therefore, he doesn’t want us to think he exists, and we should act accordingly.

      • SDF-7

        Are they though? We’re talking about the ultimate long view of history here. What we think is random and haphazard can easily be fostering a result 10000 years later that we simply can’t collect in our heads.

        That said, I’ve always thought the actions of the people in the Old Testament would try the patience of an eternal deity so maybe God just gets fed up even with infinite patience. (I know, I know…)

        Personal belief is that Free Will and choices is the key. We have to have Free Will for our minds to make sense (and because Calvinism [I think?] is just depressing). Allowing for free will allows for the oddities/disruptions in what would be God’s plan that we perceive as randomness. And assuming we are reflections of divinity in our souls (and hence why we have free will), nuturing those sparks of divinity to the point that we might be worthy / capable of communing with God in the big-E End justifies the whole of creation to me. If you were a singular Deity – either as whatever passes for Cosmic reproduction or just so you have someone to talk to besides the Angelic Yes-Men seems reasonable.

        All likely projection on my part – but that’s how I see it.

      • robc

        I believe in both free will and predestination and dont think they are contradictory.

        Also, because you gave me the opening, I give into my animal nature:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpOyQhgM1FU

      • SDF-7

        Care to elaborate a bit? I can reconcile them — but only by viewing Omniscience as inclusive of the multiverse / quantum foam / whatnot. God knows not just what has happened and what will happen, but all the never-were’s and might-have-beens and could-be’s, as it were.
        Free will is our steering our trolleys onto the track junction that appears before us (even if that’s a Problem 😉 ) — God knows the whole railway map and really would prefer we get to our destination with minimal fuss… but if we really want to spin around the bypass in Cleveland, He’s capable of waiting, too.

      • Not Adahn

        Consider the following:

        A child born today could have his entire life recorded and documented. And observer from the future would therefore be able to study a document, and then while watching a replay of that child’s life know exactly what they were going to do before they saw the action happen. That would not deny Free Will to the child.

        It’s really just a matter of observational frameworks.

      • SDF-7

        Yeah, I think that’s not too far off of how I see it — just that God knows all the possible lives (and probabilities) for the child. Miracles are when God decides to adjust the RNG of the multiverse….

      • Plisade

        But god isn’t merely an observer. He created everything, and, if omniscient, would have known that child’s life before the child was born. So the child’s destiny was part of god’s creation and he would’ve known it at the same time he willfully created it.

      • Jarflax

        Knowing how someone decided/is deciding/will decide does not invalidate their choice. I am free to vote how I choose, or not to vote at all. People who know me can likely predict my vote, but I still freely choose. Free will does not imply randomness or unpredictability to an omniscient observer, and the ability of the omniscient observer to accurately predict the choice made does not compel that choice. In the moment of choice I choose freely. That is what is essential for Free Will not that the choice be unpredictable.

      • robc

        I have been using an analogy for 30 years based on the natural world. Most people just are bemused by it, but it works for me.

        Is light a wave or a particle? Well, if you try one test, it is clearly a wave. On the other hand, if you try another test, it is clearly a particle. On the gripping hand, the reality is it is something else entirely. Its a 3rd thing that only appears to be a wave or a particle because we are (or were) too simple-minded to think of something else.

        If that doesnt help, I also think God can heat up a burrito so hot that even he can’t eat it. Also, he can eat it.

      • SDF-7

        But did the Devil make the hot sauce?

      • Not Adahn

        “it’s as if he didn’t exist.” doesn’t actually follow from “His actions are so random and haphazard.”

        A truly random-action omnipotent deity would be extremely obvious, what with all the supernovas and the unravelling of the laws of physics and whatnot. In fact, it seems like His randomness is so perfectly calibrated as to make his nonexistence plausible… that’s an awfully big coincidence, isn’t it?

      • Fatty Bolger

        Well that’s basically my point. It’s so perfectly calibrated that it can’t be a coincidence, which means God either doesn’t exist, or if He does, He doesn’t want us to know it.

      • Shirley Knott

        To say that it is “perfectly calibrated” is to assume the conclusion.

      • Not Adahn

        NO SPOILERS!

    • Ted S.

      I’m God and I exist. Therefore you’re wrong.

  12. Rhywun

    OT: Wow.

    Conducted in the midst of the impeachment trial (January 16–29), the poll suggests that impeachment is doing Democrats more harm than Trump. Approval of the Republican party ticked up to 51 percent, the highest it has been since 2005 and up from 43 percent in September. More Americans today identify as Republican or Republican-leaning (48 percent) than Democrat or Democratic-leaning (44 percent).

    The Russians got to Gallup, too.

    • Q Continuum

      “More Americans today identify as Republican or Republican-leaning (48 percent) than Democrat or Democratic-leaning (44 percent)”

      That’s the first time I remember that being the case since Reagan.

      • Chipwooder

        I think it was also true for a short time post 9/11

    • Urthona

      I saw that today. Highest I’ve yet seen the Gallup in Trump’s presidency.

      Although I think the Gallup skews heavily towards older people who still answer the phone when they don’t know who’s calling.

    • Francisco d'Anconia

      All they had to do was shut up and let Trump make an ass of himself and there’d be a D in the White House come January. They did this to themselves. (And it’s been fun to watch)

  13. Fourscore

    “Develop our bodies through lifting, running, throwing, fighting, fucking, eating and sleeping”

    How about I chose 3 from the list, subject to change whenever its convenient?

    • Not Adahn

      A sin. Rejecting the carnal possibilities endowed to you by your creator. You might as well be a vegan.

      • Fourscore

        Well, OK, but not vegan. Need another option. I didn’t see napping on the list.

      • Not Adahn

        Is napping not a form of sleeping?

      • Nephilium

        But if I eat and drink as much as I would like to, then that will have a negative impact on the lifting, running, and fucking (at a minimum).

      • Not Adahn

        Becoming a better Incarnationist is a never-ending process.

      • Fourscore

        Am I gonna need a white sport coat too, to be an incarnationist?

      • Jarflax

        Orange check, gold medallion in the shape of a Mars symbol with a phallus for the spear, open neck shirt.

      • DenverJ

        It’s ok, Fourscore, I got it.

    • SDF-7

      Beats trying to do them all at once….

      • Not Adahn

        That is one of the more advanced rituals, only to be attempted by the experienced practitioner.

      • Caput Lupinum

        So, Warty?

      • Not Adahn

        Warty has technological assistance, what with the timesuit and the Doomcock and all. There has not yet been a Conclave to determine whether such augmentation is halal or not.

    • DEG

      Lifting, fucking, eating.

      Hmm… ah! Right, change when convenient. So I can swap sleep in whenever I want.

    • Gadfly

      How about I chose 3 from the list…

      The last three, am I right?

  14. Ozymandias

    Semi- on topic: the best thing I ever did for my own spirituality was to read (((other))) religion’s sacred texts. And by “other” I mean, not the Faith in which I was raised (Catholic). I think it’s unfortunate that one of the inevitable outgrowths of religion is how doctrinaire the all inevitably come over time, resulting in schisms and arguments and wars over inane doctrinal arcana.

    My heresy would be to cackle about Trinitarianism, or Unitarianism, or any “ism” that claims to have captured “The TRUTH” in words. It’s not possible to capture, nor even adequately describe, the Infinite Majesty of communing with the Universe/God/Singularity/Buddha/Prana/Brahman/etc. Yet people will shun, excommunicate, and even burn their fellow Man over man-made words trying to describe the ineffable. And then claim that the resulting misery proves there’s no God. It’s hysterical.

    “Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cumin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law: judgment, mercy, and faith. These ought ye to have done and not to leave the other undone.”

    • Ozymandias

      And one other thought before I bug out to run some errands that piggybacks off of what someone else said: the current “secular humanism” is a religion, no different than Catholics, or Hindus, or natives. It has tenets of the Faith and boy, does it treat heretics badly. Ask Antifa members how they deal with those who don’t share their faith. Or Democrats (but I repeat myself). The IFL Science crew is no different, either, treating the process of modeling the universe as a fixed point of knowledge that they can use against the people they don’t like. Worst of all, the modern secular humanism has none of the checks on destroying others that at least recommends Christianity.

    • Mojeaux

      Anise is a sin against the taste buds.

      • robc

        Okay UCS, whatever you say.

      • UnCivilServant

        Wait, what? One of the boozes I actually like is anise-flavored.

      • Fourscore

        Pay no attention to those that don’t know and don’t understand, UCS. Licorice is our friend, regardless of the delivery method.

      • Jarflax

        Ouzo ever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved!

      • Mojeaux

        Absinthe?

      • Jarflax

        Makes the heart grow fonder?

      • Mojeaux

        LOL That is one of those things I find terribly romantic (like gorgeous liquor bottles) and thus would be more tempting if I didn’t know it tastes like licorice.

      • DenverJ

        Anise doesn’t taste like licorice- it’s the other way around

      • Sean

        It’s like you don’t even chinese five spice.

      • DEG

        Yes.

    • Mojeaux

      Also, cilantro tastes like soap.

      • robc

        Only to mutants with a defective gene.

      • Mojeaux

        I would wear “mutant” with pride if it were true, but it is not.

      • Mojeaux

        I identify as non-mutant.

      • robc

        OR6A2

      • Mojeaux

        What’s the one for licorice?

      • Gadfly

        Only to mutants with a defective gene.

        So you’re saying that reality is going to be a lot more boring than the X-men, if this is the type of mutants we get.

      • Jarflax

        You could get webbed toes, detached earlobes, colorblindness, asparagus pee smell, or many other cool gifts!

      • DEG

        No.

  15. Suthenboy

    “What heresies would you propose?”

    I think multiculturalism has that covered.

  16. AlmightyJB

    Fox is reporting that the “majority” of the results are supposed to be delivered by 5pm.

    • Suthenboy

      That is hilarious. Bernie wasn’t supposed to win.
      The fascists and the commies still haven’t worked it all out.

      • kinnath

        One of my friends posted the “official” results from her precinct. 10 delegates split 2 apiece for Warren, Biden, Sanders, Klobuchar, and Buttface.

        CNN reported “official” results from a precinct meeting at Drake U in Des Moines plus and precinct in Cedar Rapids. They showed similar results with the vote split between 4 or 5 candidates.

        Biden’s campaign wrote a complaint to the Iowa Party as soon as the caucuses started to shutdown that the process was unfair. I expect Biden is fucked at this point.

        Sanders isn’t running away with anything either.

      • Urthona

        Biden will win all the southern states though. which is also funny.

      • R C Dean

        Biden will win all the southern states though

        Ruh-roh

      • robc

        link failure

      • R C Dean
  17. Suthenboy

    “Say God exists”

    Ok. He can come knock on my door, shake my hand and say “I exist”.
    I tire of all the nebulous, mysterious nonsense from people who are very obviously just trying to control me.

    • Pope Jimbo

      I’m not trying to control you Suthen. I’m trying to save your soul. Which you can easily do by giving me 10% of your stuff.

      • robc

        Even Mormons dont give 10%.

      • Mojeaux

        That is true in our household. Mr. Mojeaux has 10% deducted from his paychecks and every month gives $25 for fast offerings.

        Me…I don’t tithe because at the end of the year, I always manage to show a net loss, except every 3rd year or so I feel obliged to show a profit.

        /voodoo

      • robc

        I asked my pastor (shortly after my business closed) if tithing meant they would be writing me a check for 10% of my losses. He laughed.

        But he totally thought that taking the writeoff against future earnings (like with taxes) was totally okay.

      • Mojeaux

        The official doctrine in my church is 10% of your “increase,” which is angels and pinheads territory.

        The debate is usually about net versus gross pay. The uberrighteous pay on gross and preach that that is the Only Way, but the brethren in SLC have never made that official (like the caffeine question).

        The party line is “It’s 10% of whatever you determine it to be. The Lord knows your heart.”

      • R C Dean

        10% of your “increase,”

        Whatever winds up in the government’s pocket is their increase, not mine. Send them a bill.

      • robc

        Every church I have been to has been “We don’t care, just give us something. Gross, net, just pick something and give us some percent of it.”

      • Pope Jimbo

        Dude, it is Suthen’s soul we are talking about. That amount effort is going to command a premium.

      • Bobarian LMD

        For 15%, my church will let you do whatever you want, and on your death-bed, you’ll receive total consciousness.

      • Fourscore

        The school I went to is even accepting futures on my estate, should I be so inclined.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        So I’ve got that going for me … which is nice.

  18. Pope Jimbo

    Sorry to go OT, but can heresies be civil? For example, could we have an Inquisition to put DA’s and legistlators to the rack for breaking the shall not be infringed language in the Bill of Rights?

    David Puy headed out to meet friends for dinner in West Boca. “On my way! School shooter,” he wrote in a Snapchat post with his photo.

    The next day, when detectives asked about the reported threat, he admitted: “I wasn’t thinking.”

    Just three months after the Parkland massacre, it also wasn’t smart, Puy’s lawyer concedes. But did the 19-year-old really commit a crime?

    The case promises to have widespread implications beyond Puy’s felony prosecution. It’s become the first major test of a law strengthened partly in response to the tragedy at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High.

    Yet he still got charged with a second-degree felony punishable by up to 15 years in prison. The 2018 law prohibits putting threats of mass shootings or terrorism in writing.

  19. Plisade

    Thoughts on hedonism… Living in the moment can be looked at 2 ways, and I’ve tried to sort it out as to why the debauchery type of living in the moment is not divine…

    To the enlightened, or to those merely outside the arrow of time, the moment is eternal. It contains past, present and future.

    To the reactive, the moment is transitory, and disregards past and future.

    So, “living in the moment” can mean completely different things. To the enlightened it means that everything you do is eternal, that cause and effect are one, yin and yang entangled, the beer buzz and the hangover inseparable. To the hedonist, the hangover is always a surprise, while the beer buzz alone was thought to be eternal in its time. Though both would say they were living in the moment.

    • Not Adahn

      That’s the other reason I didn’t want to use Christian Hedonism for the name, because of the implications of debauchery.

      Incarnationism isn’t about debauchery, it’s about the perfection how the animal nature of the human experience. If the experiences lead to a damage of the body that is not offset by other activities you are using to develop it, then that is treif. Actual decadence is NOT what it’s about.

      • Plisade

        In the Judeo-Christian context, I’d say our “human mandate” would come from Genesis. Yes, we have an animal nature but we’re set apart by the ability to judge, having the knowledge of good and evil (or the knowledge of what is useful, the knowledge of discernment). How this differs from an animals – experience tells me it’s a matter of degrees. I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do with that heightened ability to discern.

        Our level of consciousness, however, is a very clear separation of humans from animals. And I think that Genesis only hints at that with Adam’s and Eve’s shame at their nakedness/desire. I wouldn’t equate knowledge with awareness, but the Genesis authors seem to. The ascetics of religions seem to get this.

        I feel like a heightened self-awareness lends itself to eternal moment living rather than to the Hedon’s mode.

    • Bobarian LMD

      I used to get a perverse sort of pleasure from my hang-overs. Does that count?

  20. SDF-7

    OT: Probably not peak derp, but still pretty derpy.

    • kinnath

      Iowans clearly thought Barry O’Bama was an Irish dude way back in 2008.

    • Rebel Scum

      “Yes, but I think for a different reason than a lot of folks probably will think. Maybe I’ll be the only person to say this today. The Iowa caucus is essentially the perfect example of systemic racism. 91% of the voters in Iowa are white,” Maxwell said.

      Whites are the worst. It is known.

      • kinnath

        kinnath after being in Phoenix for seven years “fuck diversity, I’m moving back to Iowa”.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        The Iowa caucus is essentially the perfect example of systemic racism. 91% of the voters in Iowa are white,” Maxwell said.

        I don’t know what you guys are talking about. This is a solid example of racism. Doesn’t get much more clear-cut than this.

        Or are we not talking about the prog’s racism against white people?

      • R C Dean

        91% of the voters in Iowa are white

        Well, 87% of the population is white, so I’m finding the “perfect example” of “systemic racism” a little unconvincing.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        I was going with the racism of the article author.

    • AlmightyJB

      Eyes so empty.

    • Rhywun

      The reason why you see a drop in turnout, I’m just speculating here, it could be perhaps that white children are not in the cages.

      The science checks out.

    • Suthenboy

      I was expecting another Babylon Bee article.

  21. Q Continuum

    “The simplest way to explain the behavior of any bureaucratic organization is to assume that it is controlled by a cabal of its enemies.”

    I’d say that pretty much sums up the Iowa cock-us.

    • Drake

      The Iowa Caucus did not kill itself!

    • Urthona

      Traditional cure. My grandparents used to recommend that.

  22. R C Dean

    Has Hillary emerged from her supervillain lair and made any comment on the Iowa clustercaucus? That’s what I’m really looking forward to.

    I just love that it has the Clinton’s fingerprints all over it.

    • Drake

      She’s practicing her shrugs and surprised face.

      • Chipwooder

        “Like with a cloth?”

      • Chipwooder

        “Like with a cloth?”

      • R C Dean

        The only thing that could make this better is if the server for this app got BleachBitted.

    • Nephilium

      They used Russian coders, didn’t they!

    • Rebel Scum

      Haven’t heard, but her twitter bio is ridiculous.

      2016 Democratic Nominee, SecState, Senator, hair icon. Mom, Wife, Grandma x3, lawyer, advocate, fan of walks in the woods & standing up for our democracy.

      • Mojeaux

        She’s just one of us, man!

        “Mom, wife, grandma” coming from anyone on the left is signalling that she’s just folk.

        From anyone on the right, it’s their identity.

      • Not Adahn

        Is she still a lawyer after she’s been disbarred?

      • UnCivilServant

        Technically.

        She just can’t practice law.

      • R C Dean

        And she can’t hold herself out to the public as a lawyer.

        She just can’t not violate the law, can she.

      • UnCivilServant

        And what the penalty? If I just put up a name tag that says “Lawyer” and don’t offer legal advice for money or attempt to represent other people in court, have I actually committed a crime? That strikes me as a first amendment violation.

      • robc

        I agree, but they have also gone after people calling themselves an engineer, because they are, but that dont have a professional engineering license, which hardly anyone but civils ever get.

      • Jarflax

        Bill was disbarred Hillary was not.

      • Drake

        She’s a lawyer in Arkansas – never passed the DC Bar.

  23. robc

    Anyone think that SF is incorporating this into tomorrow’s episode of H&H.

    • Rebel Scum

      It’d be a slight disappointment if he didn’t. Idk how far advanced he writes those, but he usually incorporates events that are fairly recent, even just a couple/few days.

  24. R C Dean

    Because sometimes, kicking them while they are down is well-deserved:

    Regardless, Democrats aren’t going to find any praise coming from Milwaukee. In their infinite wisdom, Democrats chose the city that’s the symbol of working-class America, located in a vital swing state, to host the 2020 Democratic convention.

    But then, not surprisingly, they bollixed everything up. They hired two top staffers from New Jersey to run the committee charged with raising $70 million and gathering 15,000 volunteers to work the event.

    In interviews with the Journal Sentinel over the weekend, two experienced political hands who have worked with the host committee described it as having a toxic culture rife with power struggles, backbiting and mismanagement.

    They accused the top two officials, Gilbert and Alonso, of giving contracts to their friends in New Jersey, calling meetings and then failing to attend them and being more focused on accumulating power than promoting Milwaukee.

    Alonso is being accused in his home state of shaking down campaign contributors for his personal consulting firm.

    • Rebel Scum

      toxic culture rife with power struggles

      The DNC is playing the game of thrones.

    • The Other Kevin

      This is going to be one of those things where calling attention to it is considered “dirty politics”.

    • R C Dean

      “Alright, we need to set up a convention in Milwaukee. That will require local contacts with the party and with all manner of businesses and vendors, a full-time commitment, and somebody who can really promote Milwaukee. So lets import a couple of apparatchiks from . . . New Jersey to run the whole show!”

    • Rhywun

      Jersey Nice.

      • Fatty Bolger

        As in “Nice little convention you got there… shame if anything happened to it.”

  25. Mojeaux

    Instead of “animal nature,” which implies we do not have the capacity to reason and simply act on amoral/neutral instinct, let’s use the biblical term “natural man.”

    I think it’s more precise.

    • AlmightyJB

      Except for people on Twitter? Lol.

    • R C Dean

      “natural man.”

      So, uncircumcised?

    • Florida Man

      We are still animals anyway you want to slice it. We haven’t overcome our instincts anymore than any other animal

      • Not Adahn

        The Gom Jabbar disagrees.

      • UnCivilServant

        That’s just another example of gnawing off a limb to escape a trap. Endure the lesser ‘injury’ to avoid the greater injury waiting in the near future. The only thing it proves is the ability to recognize the needle as a greater threat than the loss of a hand, other than that, it’s pure animal survival instinct.

      • Not Adahn

        Recognition and deciding is overriding instinct. Presumably there would be a level of pain at which one would say “fuck this, metacyanide is the better option,” but since the administering sister has to experience that along with the testee, it never gets that bad.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Absolutely.

    • Gadfly

      Turnout being on pace to match 2016 could indicate that Democratic enthusiasm is on pace to match 2016. So the Democrats probably shouldn’t count on winning Iowa in the general.

      • Fatty Bolger

        “On pace” means well under, I guarantee it.

      • AlmightyJB

        Yeah, not throwing that back:)

      • Rebel Scum

        She only likes reel men.

      • Sean

        Now you’re just trawling.

      • Mojeaux

        Just had to trot that line out, didn’t you?

      • Sean

        Someone had to take the bait.

      • SDF-7

        Spare the rod….

      • AlmightyJB

        A Fisher of Women

      • Chipwooder

        Absolutely

    • Not Adahn

      I lassoed a girl once.

      We hooked up and were together for most of a year.

  26. wdalasio

    just like rejecting the Salvation offered to you.

    You know, I don’t know if this is a heresy, so much as something I can’t really square. We’re taught that Jesus is the only Son of God and that he was both all God and all Man. What that suggests to me is that Jesus was and is the only human being who was utterly blameless, utterly praiseworthy, and utterly worthy. But, we’re also taught that Jesus died for our sins. But, I think what that implies. It means the only one utterly blameless, utterly praiseworthy, and utterly worthy human being was made to suffer an excruciating torture and execution to buy the possibility that the rest of us shitheels, bastards, bitches and assorted scum might not get our just deserts.

    On some level, there’s something epically unjust about that. It means the only one who deserves better bore the brunt of the punishment that everyone else deserved.

    You can get around it, sort of, by acknowledging that it was voluntary on Jesus’s part. But, that only gets you so far. In a way, it really only makes it even more unfair. And you can cite the idea that he was resurrected from the dead, ascended into Heaven and is seated at the right hand of God the Father. And, yeah, that makes the defeat of His crucifixion a little less horrible. But, then you’re kind of stuck with a quandry in that you’re diminishing the sacrifice.

    So, in a way, the question might be how presumptuous do you have to be to accept Salvation.

    • Mojeaux

      My tentative acceptance of this is that, because Jesus is our judge on Judgment Day, he suffered (in the Garden) not only our sins but our sorrows, pains, ailments, and motivations, so tjat he would be able to perfectly deliver judgment but also to grant mercy. He walked in our shoes and therefore COULD, in fact, judge us.

      If that is so, then I can see the torture and crucifixion as a sort of physical catharsis of the pain in his soul.

    • Shirley Knott

      See this.
      How presumptuous do you have to be to accept heaven when others are sent to hell?

      • Mojeaux

        There is no place of eternal torment in my doctrine (to speak of), so that part doesn’t apply to my worldview. It is one reason I could never/will never subscribe to any other Christian religion.

      • Plisade

        Wow. That was good.

      • Shirley Knott

        Not nearly so salvation or religion oriented, but check out “The Killing Stroke” in Stephen Donaldson’s Reave the Just and Other Stories.

      • SDF-7

        As long as no one makes me read The Last Chronicles of Thomas Covenant again…. sigh.

    • Not Adahn

      If God says “this is just,” how arrogant to do you have to be to disagree? I can’t even remember all of my coworkers names, but I’m supposed to believe my moral sense is superior to the literal definition of morality?

      • Shirley Knott

        I have zero problem proclaiming my moral superiority to the standard Christian god, for I have never condemned anyone to eternal punishment for transitory offenses.
        To say that god is the very definition of morality is to do violence to every noun in the assertion.

      • Jarflax

        Yet the moral precepts you use in your judgment are those of Christianity and Judaism. Other traditions view justice in terms of maintenance of power or order. The concept of justice as fair treatment for the individual comes out of the tradition that the individual has the spark of divinity.

      • Shirley Knott

        I’m not going to argue the points here, but 3 points:
        1) It is not at all clear that the judo-Christian faith gets credit here except as a historical accident and secondary effect (Athens, IOW).
        2) there is a difference between ‘from these principles’ and ‘according to these principals.’
        3) I reject fully and completely the claim that ethics/morality can come only from religion or cultural traditions. Ethics/morality from first principles is possible.

      • Francisco d'Anconia

        Ethics/morality from first principles is possible.

        Emphatically agree.

        And usually more consistent.

      • wdalasio

        The problem is that it’s a supposition about God, though, isn’t it? Any revealed faith can arrive at any moral standard, no matter how repulsive, using that sort of standard. If the standard of divine will is “Make no moral assessments about right and wrong and simply accept this pronouncement.” then you have trouble getting to a God who even wants people to be moral.

    • robc

      Yes, to all that. I will even make it worse…it was more the Father’s will than his, but that is weird since they are one and the same.

      But also, “My God, why have you forsaken me.” In that moment when he took on the sin, he was completely separate from God.

      It was horrible in a way I am not sure humans who arent also God can imagine.

  27. UnCivilServant

    Ages ago I was forced to change my voicemail passcode at work, and promptly forgot it. So for the longest time, my voicemail was full. I decided to finally just get it reset and clear out the old messages.

    I apparently forgot that the red light on the phone meant “voicemail waiting” rather than “On.” Because it looked the phone shut off when I deleted the last message.

    • Urthona

      He’s creating jerbs.

    • Rebel Scum

      Something something money something something politics.

    • Suthenboy

      Let him spend. I will be president before he will.

  28. Sensei

    One of my guilty pleasures is Ars Technica. Usually interesting articles, but since both the readers and authors are educated TOP MEN they almost all (reluctantly of course) play for Team Blue.

    They are not happy with the Iowa debacle. Comments are as expected. But if this is true it is beyond awesome:

    It sounds like the workflow was to upload a cell phone picture of the handwritten results and then have the server OCR it to add to the database, which is the kind of insane procedure you’d expect from someone totally clueless about technology.

    • robc

      Yes, and yet, should still work

      • R C Dean

        handwritten results

        And why not just have somebody key them in at the precinct (a far from overwhelming task), and avoid the inevitable OCR issues, including the requirement that somebody put a Mark I eyeball on the original and the data entry?

      • tarran

        Because that leaves an audit trail? 😉

    • ChipsnSalsa

      first comment is a killer

      On the positive side, they’re Agile and actively collaborate.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yeah that was funny.

  29. Suthenboy

    “we do not have the capacity to reason and simply act on amoral/neutral instinct”

    People instinctively seek out choke points to position themselves in. It has obvious advantages in the wild or in battle. In modern day life, not so much.
    Ever notice how children will stand in a doorway with the damned door open? How about that asshole that finishes at the checkout then pushes their buggy to the exit door and then stops in the doorway, blocking it, and then slack jawed pulls out their receipt and stares blankly at it.

    Rational animals, my ass.

    • Mojeaux

      I would think seeking out choke points, instinctual or not, is actually a rational act.

      • Suthenboy

        It isn’t done rationally. It is done instinctively. Ask that kid why he stands in the doorway letting flys in. “I dunno”

    • Jarflax

      Hesitating to reorient at transition points is actually a survival trait. Barging through doorways wasn’t always a safe idea.

      • Mojeaux

        It is also a tactic of warfare.

        If your goal is to slaughter the enemy, choosing a maneuver to hold a choke poiny, it is definitely rational.

      • Mojeaux

        establish a choke point*

        I am at Sam’s Club and as every Democrat likes to point out, your IQ drops 25 points the second you enter

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      Or those who block the aisles at Costco while overcome by free samples. They deserve a special place in hell.

      I do always check the receipt after checking out at the grocery store but am very aware to move to one side to not impede traffic. I’m always finding double-scans for some reason. Costco even double scanned a $60 box of pool shock when I wasn’t looking, but I caught it on the receipt.

      • Rebel Scum

        I got free tp from Costco once when they forgot to scan it.

      • Suthenboy

        Ever notice how people stand at the checkout blankly watching the groceries go over the scanner and then the check-out girl tells them the total….then they start digging around looking for means of payment? Or worse, coupons. Big fucking surprise! Who could have seen that coming?

        Most people wake up in a new world every day.

        Yes, I am grouchier than shit today. I am hung over, have to drive the wife to town in a bit and my tinitis is driving me nuts.

      • Jarflax

        Your mind zones out when you are waiting passively for your turn. This keeps you from blind rage at the other monkeys that are between you and your goal wasting your precious time. This in turn leads you to be standing there blankly when it is time for your next action. But the thing is, grocery baggers are sol slow these days that the delay someone imposes by fumbling for their wallet does not actually slow down the line, because the bagger is generally still slowly putting each item into a separate bag.

    • ChipsnSalsa

      Rational animals, my ass.

      Are we talking about SUV’s again?

      • Certified Public Asshat

        NO!

  30. JD is Unemployed

    Christian Apathy – were you just say your Christian but never read the Bible, attend church, pray, or actually do anything besides claim it as part of a superficial identity. That sounds like maybe a heresy, kinda, whatever.

    • Nephilium

      There was a church I drove past the other day, their sign out front said, “We’re open between Christmas and Easter as well.”

      • robc

        I had a friend who wanted to charge admission on Easter and Christmas. You could pick up a free pass on any Sunday in between.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        “Where are all the people on every other Sunday? They only show up on Christmas or Easter.”

        *I turn around*

        “Yup, thats me, just doing the minimum and checking those boxes.”

        They shut up after that.

    • AlmightyJB

      There is a sort of widespread cultural Christianity in the west to some extent. Even as an Atheist, I can’t say that my Christian upbringing is not part of who I am, although I don’t claim to be a Christian. I know that’s not really what you were talking about.

      • Suthenboy

        This is a very good point, and important. Christianity is responsible for the enlightenment even if they did it unwittingly.
        I am also a solid atheist but I know that who I am and the ideas I subscribe to are largely due to my christian upbringing.

      • Jarflax

        ^This. Those of us who are atheist or agnostic, but were raised with the principles of Christianity kept the ethos going despite our lack of faith. BUT we did not for the most part raise the coming generation with those principles and that scares the hell out of me. I think a lot of Boomers misunderstood Nietzche and thought that he was saying that the “death of God” freed us to become Superman. He was saying something much more akin to “Now that God is dead you must go out and become Godlike, or else you will surely become Satanic” and the History of the 20th Century did a damn good job of proving his point.

      • Nephilium

        Hey now… some of us were raised Catholic!

        /references Jack Chick tracts pointing out how Catholics aren’t Christian.

      • Jarflax

        The cool ones with the convents all depicted as brothels for the seminaries and monastaries! When your propaganda is straight out of the Henry Tudor playbook you may be slightly behind the times.

  31. Suthenboy

    Glancing over the existential comments….

    I have some bad news for y’all. Sit down.

    If all of humanity and every trace of it’s existence disappeared in the next second the yooneeverse would keep rocking along just like it is now and not even notice. We are just a few bugs living on a speck of dust. We matter to us and that’s all. Just try to make the world a better place for the people you care about. Gods and angels can take care of themselves.

    *ducks and runs*

    • Rebel Scum

      Nuke it from orbit?

    • Not Adahn

      Reading Existential Comics is kind of a terrible idea.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      You want existential angst this is how you get existential angst.

    • Not Adahn

      Made with Union labor!