The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe: Hillary and Huma

by | Feb 12, 2020 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 247 comments

 

“Check it again,” Hillary rumbled.

“One hundred and nineteen,” Huma said, waving the laser thermometer over her forehead.

“Good, good,” she said, “The virus is working! Give me another.”

“My love…” Huma began, concern fighting with the Botox to wrinkle her brow.

“Another!” Hillary roared, slapping the murky liquid in the tank.

Huma pulled on heavy gloves and pulled a squeaking bat from the small cage.

“Is it still fresh?” Hillary asked.

“Direct from Wuhan, beloved,” Huma murmured.

“Dunk it first,” Hillary order. Huma dipped the head of the bat into a small beaker of pangolin blood and brought it to Hillary.

“In,” Hillary grunted. “In. Now. Hungry.”

Huma dropped the wriggling bat into Hillary’s open mouth and she closed it on most of its small furry body. One wing unfurled from her lips and beat against her cheek until she bit down. Hillary crunched on the bat’s small bones for a long minute, sighs and grunts of pleasure coming from all over.

Hillary stiffened as if in seizure and the fluid in the tank began to bubble furiously.

“YES!” Hillary screamed, thrashing in the tank. “IT BEGINS!”

“Hillary!” Huma cried. She backed to the far wall of the gloom-shrouded basement, her hands over her mouth in horror.

Grunts and screams from the tank, high-speed gibbering, the dull thump thump thump of cows at slaughter, alien tongues chanting obscenities, the acrid scent of boiling Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper and bile. And then, and then…

“Hillary?” Huma asked in the sudden silence. “Beloved?”

The tank cracked once, and then again, finally collapsing into shards as a wave of unspeakable filth burst out of it.

“Hillary?” Huma asked again as a fog of Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper rose from the rough stone floor of the basement.

“I am reborn,” came a voice.

Hillary stood there, nude, human in form. The various pustules and gills were gone, as were the backup vaginas that had littered her thighs and torso for so long. The great patch of squamous skin covering her arms and shoulders was now pink and primate.

Huma walked around her as Hillary squealed and reveled in her human body. She touched her back cautiously where the dorsal frill had once quivered.

“All this from the virus?” Huma asked.

“It cost me millions from the Foundation, but the Chinese bioweapon labs delivered,” Hillary said, doing a deep knee bend and expelling old blood and small knots of bone from her lone vagina.

Huma reached out to caress Hillary’s unarmored breasts.

“There’s no time for that,” Hillary snapped. “I need updates.”

“Sanders won New Hampshire,” Huma said quietly.

“And the rest?” Hillary asked as she began wiping off her skin with towels.

“Buttigieg in second, Klobuchar in third, Warren and Biden fourth and fifth.”

“Old Joe in fifth? Ha! It is time for me to act. We must keep Bernie from the nomination,” Hillary said.

She began to choose something to wear from her normal clothes for the first time in years, clothes free of the straps and buttresses and scaffolding that beat her body into a roughly human shape. “And with Liz doing so poorly, we’ll have to find someone to ally with.”

“Klobuchar?” Huma asked, using a floor squee to guild the rebirthing fluid to the floor drains.

“Amy is a hotdish halfwit. Maybe good for VP. But I need someone with heat on them, someone I can control.”

“Buttigieg is surging,” Huma said. “A win in Iowa, a strong second in New Hampshire.”

“Yes. The young feculent. I’ll have to seduce him.”

“He is, uh…” Huma began.

“I know, I know,” Hillary said, “But I did have the Chinese leave me one gift of the Old Ones.”

Hillary squatted and grunted.

“Hnnn!” she groaned. “HhhhNNNNNNN!”

“Beloved!” Huma cried, alarmed.

“Oh!” Hillary screamed. “Oh! Oh! UGNH!” She let out a guttural howl.

With a tearing sound and gush of blood, the pseudopenis pushed out from between her legs. Long and thick and red and covered in pulsing veins.

“How?” Hillary panted. “How can he resist?”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

247 Comments

  1. Spudalicious

    First, on this third anniversary. Happy 3rd, Glibertariat!

  2. Spudalicious

    Bitty-gag takin Hillary’s pseudopenis. I can hardly wait for that episode…

    • Jarflax

      I actually feel bad for Pete.

  3. Q Continuum

    “Long and thick and red and covered in pulsing veins”

    Doomcock?

    • Q Continuum

      Further: what purpose does a backup vagina serve?

      • Not Adahn

        *blink*

        *blink*

        *blink*

        You, of all people…

      • Q Continuum

        I need a *new* orifice dammit. I’m sick and tired of the same old intromissions; science needs to get on inventing something novel for penile insertion.

      • Not Adahn

        They’re not for you. Remember that Culture novel where the guy gets lots of penes added to his body so he can have better orgies? Same thing here.

      • Q Continuum

        Excellent usage of the plural of penis.

      • We're not saying BEAM's an alien, but . . .

        I must’ve missed that particular Culture novel — or just blanked the memory in reflexive horror.

      • Not Adahn

        It might have been Hydrogen Sonata.

      • SugarFree

        Yes, Hydrogen Sonata. The guy had to have a number of back-up hearts installed to handle getting them all erect.

      • R C Dean

        Of course, SF is well-versed in multi-penis lore.

        Of. Course.

    • Not Adahn

      The Doomcock is technological, not eldrich.

  4. CPRM

    Damn my visual imagination! My third eye bleeds!

    • UnCivilServant

      Here-

      *douses CPRM’s forehead in bleach*

      • UnCivilServant

        Oh wait, am I supposed to give you a clothesline noose and shout something about ‘MAGA country’?

      • CPRM

        We’re not in Chicago.

  5. MikeS

    ?

  6. leon

    :Mind melts:

    Bravo SF, Bravo. Indeed this election season is starting to turn into ‘Interesting Times’. The Chinese have their finger prints all over this.

  7. kinnath

    so much for lunch

    • Fourscore

      Think I’ll eat later…if I can…

  8. Sean

    *wanders in*
    *promptly returns to the safety of the AM post*

  9. Old Man With Candy

    God help us.

    • Tundra

      There is no God.

      • Caput Lupinum

        God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?

      • Tundra

        Nietzsche was an interesting atheist. I get the feeling he wasn’t too comfortable killing God.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Agreed. I think he thought getting rid of God was a mistake and wasn’t sure what to replace it with.

      • Tundra

        That was great – thanks!

      • Caput Lupinum

        Not so much a mistake as a regrettable inevitability. He viewed the demise of faith as something that had to happen for man to continue to advance, but was cognizant that doing so would destroy the foundations we had built that allowed that advancement in the first place. That conflict and his struggles to resolve it form the bulk of his writings.

      • SugarFree

        He wasn’t comfortable with the death of God, and this was a lament. He thought nihilism was ultimately more dangerous than religiosity.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Obligatory:

        Nihilists! F*** me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.

      • Jarflax

        He was right.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Needs more diet Dr. Pepper.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Warm diet Dr. Pepper.

  10. Ozymandias

    ….Aaannnnnddd the bacon and eggs I had just curdled in my stomach.
    She’s BA-AACCK!!

    I didn’t think it was possible, but given what’s happened in the primaries, I think it is possible. It… it might happen.
    And the crazy thing is I think TONS of D’s would cream themselves, fall down in adulation, and the Media would, too.

    “God help us.”

    Indeed.

    • Not Adahn

      It takes a lot of horror to curdle bacon.

    • Creosote Achilles

      Where is your god now?

      He’s been consumed by a Hillary-gunt, that’s where he is.

    • Pope Jimbo

      My secret fantasy is that Michele announces her candidacy the same day as Hillary. That would be fun to watch.

  11. Tundra

    “My love…” Huma began, concern fighting with the Botox to wrinkle her brow.

    That’s awesome, right there.

  12. kinnath

    My defenses have been weakened by two days of Agile training. The Hillary/Huma story line is too much too soon.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Bringing in some Lean Six, which describes the pseudo-penis when it isn’t angry.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    I didn’t think it was possible, but given what’s happened in the primaries, I think it is possible. It… it might happen.
    And the crazy thing is I think TONS of D’s would cream themselves, fall down in adulation, and the Media would, too.

    The squeals of delight would be deafening.

    Go ahead, children, reach up there and grab the pot off the stove again.

    • Ozymandias

      ROFL. Man, I’m glad my wife wasn’t there to hear me laughing… it was my anguished laugh.

      I’m thinking about what happens when she loses… A-G-A-I-N.
      Ho-lee Fuck. <======(Insert discussion thread about Lord's name in vain and swearing here, but I digress)

      Imagine the Prog tears, the wailing and gnashing of teeth; it might make the Bee article about Trump's SOTU in scuba gear become a prophecy.

      • Nephilium

        Imagine if she loses the popular vote this time…

      • Bobarian LMD

        I want her to lose every state but CA and NY and still win the popular vote.

        The fucking wailing would be audible from space.

      • UnCivilServant

        I want to see a deep blue stronghold flip unexpectedly.

      • Pope Jimbo

        You made me laugh hard with that one.

    • Rasilio

      The bigger question is how much of Milwaukee burns when Bernie goes into the convention as the frontrunner with say 40% of the votes and 40% of the delegates and the party says “Fuck you Bernie” and nominates Hillary anyway?

      • CPRM

        All of it can burn, except for the RLM studio and the Miller brewery, as far as I care.

      • Pope Jimbo

        I think the fat normie Milwaukee Cheeseheads would rout the Bernie Bros the first time the trashed a Packer Flag or broke the window in a butcher shop. I just can’t see the Bernie Bros sweeping away all opposition in a riot.

      • CPRM

        Dragged behind Harleys by chains made by Milwaukee Tool?

      • ChipsnSalsa

        made branded by Milwaukee Tool?

        FTFY

      • ChipsnSalsa

        whoops

        made branded by Milwaukee Tool?

  14. Not Adahn

    Not Adahn’s adventures in studying the USPSA rulebook!

    Section 9: Scoring.

    Bitch about the rules in IDPA, but at least the scoring system is straightforward. Looky this —

    9.2.3 “Virginia Count” – Unlimited time stops on the last shot, limited number of
    shots to be fired, stipulated number of hits per target to count for score.
    9.2.3.1 A competitor’s score is calculated by adding the highest value
    stipulated number of hits per target, minus penalties, divided by
    the total time (recorded to two decimal places) taken by the
    competitor to complete the course of fire, to arrive at a hit factor.
    The overall stage results are factored by awarding the competitor
    with the highest hit factor the maximum points available for the
    course of fire, with all other competitors ranked relatively below
    the stage winner.
    9.2.3.2 Virginia Count must use cardboard targets exclusively, and must
    only be used for Standard Exercises, Classifiers, Speed Shoots, or
    Short Courses.

    Again, I am trying to figure out how this rule ever needed to come into existence, considering you the least-powerful cartridge you’re allowed to use is 115gr travelling at 1000ft/s

    9.5.9 Hits upon scoring or no-shoot cardboard targets, must completely pass
    through the target to be considered a valid hit and count for score or
    penalty.

  15. Mojeaux

    @Tejicano, my condolences.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    I’m thinking about what happens when she loses… A-G-A-I-N.

    And the stunned, uncomprehending astonishment.

    “How? How can it be?”

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Russians of course. Or maybe this time go with the classics and blame (((them))).

      • leon

        Bring out Mueller again for another investigation.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Think how terrified Bill would be.

      “not again!”

  17. Rebel Scum

    *Vomits*

  18. Raven Nation

    OT: Another Dem is out.

    Deval Patrick quits.

      • SugarFree

        Late entry, early out. Nobody gonna nobody.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Campaign slogan:

        “Are we not men? We are Deval!”

      • Gustave Lytton

        Former Democratic Gov of MA, like Dukakis and Romney.

      • grrizzly

        LOL. Democrat Romney. You must have missed other Dem Governors of MA: Weld and Baker. They are just as good.

      • Ted S.

        To be fair, given a choice between Coakley and Hitler, I’d seriously think about voting for Hitler.

        It says something terrible about our body politic that a statewide party can consider somebody like Coakley, whose claim to fame is helping brainwash children into believing they were molested so that she could further her political career, is considered “reasonable” enough to run in four or five statewide races. She should be laughed off the stage as the evil she is wherever she goes.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        She should be laughed off the stage tarred and feathered and run out on a rail as the evil she is wherever she goes.

    • Raven Nation

      Hmm, the content is what I wanted but I should have linked with his name.

  19. JaimeRoberto Delecto

    Dude, there is something wrong with you. But then again, I chuckled, so maybe there’s something wrong with me too.

    • Q Continuum

      There is something wrong with all of us here.

  20. Q Continuum

    Wanton Wednesday may not be able to wash away the horrific images of this post, but it will at least provide a temporary distraction from the Void.

    http://archive.li/h40yy

  21. Pope Jimbo

    OT: Got a response from Cafe Press saying they will refund the tax they charged me for my Glib t-shirt.

    Wonder if there is a class action lawsuit out there for Minnesodans who have had taxes collected on clothing.

    • leon

      Sadly you would be suing a business for doing what they can to try to comply with 30,000+ tax regimes across the country, and you have no recourse to sue SCOTUS and the State legislatures for creating this gosh awful sales tax system.

      • UnCivilServant

        Sales and use taxes seem like a restraint on interstate commerce, and thus beyond the purview of the states and localities.

      • Pope Jimbo

        When I argue about sales taxes with non-libertarians, I always get into crazy nut territory when I ask them to explain what it is for. And why exactly the state is owed them?

        Most people just assume that since the state has always gouged merchants, they should continue to get that money.

        Some will say that the taxes are used to fund communal services like cops, firemen, electricity and water. But they won’t answer the question about whether Minnesoda is then obliged to send a firetruck to KY to put out any fires at Cafe Press’ HQ since they paid those taxes.

      • Nephilium

        It’s the random things that are and are not taxed that I like pointing out to people (for example NYC bagel sliced or unsliced). Here in Ohio, and sweetened beverage for takeout gets sales tax, but unsweetened beverages do not (water, unsweetened ice tea, black coffee, etc.). I remember stopping at a rest stop once, and some guy was yelling at the poor teenager who had the nerve to ask him if it was for here or to go for a fast food order. In Ohio, ordering eat in gets hit with sales tax, ordering to go does not.

      • Fatty Bolger

        But they won’t answer the question about whether Minnesoda is then obliged to send a firetruck to KY to put out any fires at Cafe Press’ HQ since they paid those taxes.

        That’s easily answered because it’s actually the buyer who pays the taxes, not the seller. But should Minnesota be able to mandate that a company in Kentucky collect taxes on their behalf, without compensation?

      • MikeS

        Yes, they should.

        Why? Because, fuck you. That’s why.

        /Chief Justice Roberts.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Robert actually dissented on this decision, though only on the basis of stare decisis.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Roberts*

      • MikeS

        My bad. I thought he was in the majority on that.

      • Pope Jimbo

        I think that was more my point. Why?

        Most people never think to ask that question first. Since the state has always extorted taxes on commerce, they just assume that that is how the world works and it will always be so.

        The first time you libertarian low lifes made question things like that were pretty mind blowing to me. I was like everyone else, I just assumed there was a good reason for all of that.

      • robc

        Your question got me curious, so I looked EXACTLY where their HQ is located. I think it has moved since I left town, but its current location is within an easy walk of my last house in Louisville.

        They share a parking lot (sorta) with Havana Rumba 2, which is a cuban restaurant I use to walk to (so I could have a few mojitos and not have to drive around the block).

      • robc

        I see a photo of the grand opening in Dec 2017, so they moved well after I left town (2014).

      • Pope Jimbo

        Hey, I think we are supposed to be arch-enemies (Memphis State alum)!

        Shoot, I can’t even remember the bad things about Louisville that I sort of learned. Besides when I was going to MSU, we had joined a new conference and our new arch-enemies were the Cincinnati Bearcats (fuck Bob Huggins and Van Exel for reals!)

      • robc

        I am not a Louisville fan, so I am cool with whatever hate you want to send that way.

        What I can tell from visiting, Louisville and Memphis are nearly the same city.

      • Homple

        They might respond to that by saying Cafe Press, like all businesses, collects sales tax, they don’t pay it.

      • Pope Jimbo

        I really wonder if they are sending that tax money to Minnesoda. And if they are, is Minnesoda doing any kind of auditing? Maybe refunding that money for any sales of clothing?

        My gut tells me that Cafe Press sends that money over to Minnesoda, and then the state just keeps it.

      • MikeS

        Your gut is obviously a hate-thinker and needs to attend an reeducation camp.

      • Pope Jimbo

        My gut needs to attend a fat camp. Maybe it can be re-educated at the same time.

      • leon

        Not enough funding at the State Treasurers office to perform such auditing, they’ll just have to keep the money it seems…

      • Pope Jimbo

        But certainly at some point Cafe Press will go to the State Treasurer with a report on how much they’ve overpaid and ask for a refund?

        In Minnesoda, any electricity used for the production of goods is supposed to be tax free. The problem for most small shops is that it is very hard to quantify how much power is used for production and how much is for non-exempt stuff like heat, lighting etc.
        When I was doing IoT apps for fast food joints, one of the things we did was monitor power consumed by fryers and coolers. We told owners that they could use the information for a refund. Then we’d all laugh because everyone knew asking for a refund would probably trigger all sorts of audits and other govt scrutiny. Much easier to let them keep the money.

      • Fatty Bolger

        But certainly at some point Cafe Press will go to the State Treasurer with a report on how much they’ve overpaid and ask for a refund?

        Pretty much. Usually it’s claimed as a credit, and removed from the amount due to the state for current collections. Maybe if it’s big enough they could request a refund. As always, the process can vary by state.

      • Pope Jimbo

        That is my suspicion. At some point, my overpayment would be refunded back to Cafe Press. And I doubt that they would track me down to give me my money back.

        Sell enough t-shirts in Minnesoda and that could be some real money.

      • Fatty Bolger

        No, the state won’t say “hey, that’s exempt” and send the money back to the company to give back to you. The company has to refund it to you first, and then they can claim it as a credit on their next filing. Just like they would do if they were giving you a full refund.

  22. Dr. Fronkensteen

    Since I did not comment on the morning comments. Thank you to TPTB for this site where Nietzsche and Eldritch Abominations can sit side by side in the comments. It’s truly an amazing place.

    • Florida Man

      Riven invited me by text. Well she texted my wife somehow. I got some pointed questions about why a girl is texting me.

      *tugs collar*

      Anyways, I miss Riven being around, but am grateful for all the people that makes this place awesome.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Way better than me. I was out of town working and Tundra gave me a heads up on where everyone had fucked off to. (So if you are looking to blame someone for me, look no further than Tundra).

        Whatever happened to Riven? She was great. She sent me some very nice replies to tips I used to send in.

      • Tundra

        I’ll take responsibility for that.

        Whatever happened to Riven?

        She told me that your constant stalking was freaking her out.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Look if she didn’t want dick pics, she shouldn’t have bought a computer. Or a phone. Or a mailbox.

      • Florida Man

        Life gets busy and on d you’re out of a habit it’s hard to get back in it. Vhyrus used to be a big contributor, but such is life.

      • Bobarian LMD

        She comes through on occasion, but I see her more often on the tweeter.

      • Pope Jimbo

        I see her more often on the tweeter

        Did you just dox yourself as Chuck Berry?

      • Gustave Lytton

        She pops in from time to time, but last if I remember correctly is she had non-Glib stuff that was keeping her hands full. Wish you well Riven!

      • Mojeaux

        She’s around. She’s dealing with some stuff.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    My gut tells me that Cafe Press sends that money over to Minnesoda, and then the state just keeps it.

    Oh, be serious.

  24. Rebel Scum

    Boogity, boogity, boogity! Let’s go racin’!

    President Donald Trump is expected to attend the famous Daytona 500 NASCAR race on Saturday, according to reports.

    The Orlando Sentinel reported the FAA advised the DeLand Airport there was a strong possibility that President Trump would fly into the area to attend the 62nd annual running of the race.

    The White House did not confirm the visit in a response to a request from Breitbart News.

    This will irritate all of the correct people.

    • kinnath

      The man knows his audience.

    • Chipwooder

      Boogity, boogity, boogity! Let’s go racin’!……This will irritate all of the correct people.

      Cale Yarborough?

    • Ted S.

      They run the Daytona 500 on Saturday now?

  25. grrizzly

    The entire cabin to myself on the flight to Tokyo: first for me. Flight attendants keep wearing face masks, which makes pleasant small talk slightly difficult.

    • Pope Jimbo

      I remember flying to Asia in the old days when they’d leave 2-4 rows in the back of the plane open for the smokers to use. And every Asian male over 10 years-old smoked. I didn’t smoke, but I’d go back there and stretch out for some decent sleep.

      • Chipwooder

        I think the last airport I was in that allowed smoking was Naha Airport in Okinawa.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Bad news I’m afraid. They weren’t wearing the masks because of coronavirus fears…

      • grrizzly

        I have N95 respirators in my bag. Nobody should think I’m not prepared.

        In the meantime, I should probably finish that bottle of Lanson 2002 champagne, it would be wasted otherwise.

      • Toxteth O’Grady

        Mmm, Lanson…

  26. The Late P Brooks

    Look if she didn’t want dick pics, she shouldn’t have bought a computer. Or a phone. Or a mailbox.

    Dick pic

  27. Timeloose

    I wasn’t able to comment this morning. Happy 3rd Bday Glibbies! Thanks for all of the hard work, support, and comradery.

    SF:

    This line got me…

    “free of the straps and buttresses and scaffolding that beat her body into a roughly human shape”

    Like a Bee article, it’s too close to the truth.

    • CPRM
    • UnCivilServant

      Sorry, that’s just a whale.

      • Pope Jimbo

        That isn’t very nice to say about that gal who just discovered a carcass.

    • Bill Door

      Nessie!

  28. Rebel Scum

    I mean, he’s not wrong.

    The former vice president proceeded to argue the campaign was now just entering an “important phase,” because the most committed constituencies within the Democratic Party were about to have their say.

    “Ninety-nine-point-nine percent, that’s the percentage of African American voters, who have not yet had a chance to vote in America,” Biden said. “One more number, 99.8, that’s the percent of Latino voters that haven’t had the chance to vote.”

    Taking a shot at “all the pundits, experts, and cable TV-talkers” that had pronounced his campaign dead, the former vice president urged people of color to stand up and show that “it ain’t over.”

    “We’re not going to let anyone take this election away from you,” Biden said. “Look, I’ve said many times you can’t be the Democratic nominee and you can’t win a general election as a Democrat unless you have overwhelming support from black and brown voters.”

    • CPRM

      Looking back at his ‘Put yall back in chains’ comment, I now think he was worried the Rs were going to arm all the blacks with pool chains.

    • Timeloose

      “Vote or pain from my chain”! He then he threatened them with a pool chain from the 1950’s.

    • leon

      Democratic nominee and you can’t win a general election as a Democrat unless you have overwhelming support from black and brown voters.”

      Does anyone really like being called a “Brown person” that seems so overbroad to be kind of insulting….

      • Rhywun

        Like “Latinx”, it’s used mostly by white people in order to pander.

      • Rebel Scum

        It’s kindof like “people of color” and “colored people”*.

        *Of course the NAACP still has the same title it always has.

    • Rhywun

      You can’t win a general election as a Democrat unless you have some support from white voters, Joe.

      • UnCivilServant

        “What’s 73% of the population got to do with anything?” /Joe

    • Fatty Bolger

      He’s got a point, but looking at the remaining candidates, I’m guessing that minority turnout is going to be pretty low.

    • CPRM

      OMG, HE WAS CURIOUS!? THAT’S CAUSE FOR IMPEACHMENT!!!!!111!!!

      • ChipsnSalsa

        Or he was giving Reince a bunch of crap by badgering him about stupid stuff from his home state.

      • CPRM

        I’m sure he was taking jabs at him, when Reince was in charge of the GOP he was open about trying to stop Trump from getting the nomination until it was clear they couldn’t stop him, then he traded for a job.

      • Rebel Scum

        I bet it really cheesed him off.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        No, Reince knew Trump was just being an immature brat.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Another Pack of puns is it?

    • R C Dean

      I’ve asked the equivalent of two of those questions myself – are they aggressive? (answer: “fuck, yeah they are”) and what do they eat? (answer: “anything they can kill’).

      • CPRM

        The thing the article could have actually pointed out that would make Trump actually look daft, but it appears the writers are also too daft, the badger being the state animal doesn’t really have anything to do with badgers. It was a nick name for the miners who lived in dugout huts. After 36 years in this state, I’ve still to see a badger in the wild.

      • R C Dean

        Really? I saw 3 or 4 when I lived there, including the one that charged my pickup when I stopped to take a look. They are mean and crazy.

        I was amazed that I saw a badger not far from my house in Tucson last fall. I thought “Great. Add it to the list of animals I have to keep an eye out for walking dogs – coyotes, javelinas, bobcats, mountain lions, rattlesnakes, and now badgers.”

      • Pope Jimbo

        Hah! What are the odds that Minnesodans and Sconnies can come together and agree on something? Trump truly is a uniter.

        What/where were they mining? I know the UP has some adamantium mines, but that is clearly Michigan Wolverine territory.

        *I’ve seen more badgers in NoDak than Minnesoda. Never seen one in WI yet.

      • CPRM

        The miners that got the nickname were in the south of the state mining iron, nickel and lead. This was going on when it was still a territory and similar mining was going on in northern Illinois and eastern Iowa.

        Today the northern part of the state has more mining, mostly iron and copper.

      • Pope Jimbo

        The fact that the authors of the book don’t make a big deal out of the fact that Wisconsin (probably) doesn’t have any more badgers than other nearby states tells me that they don’t know shit about badgers either.

        Honestly, I don’t have any hard facts on the distribution of badgers in the continental states, but my guess is that the linkage between Wisconsin and badgers is no more substantial than between Minnesoda and gophers.

        And given the results, maybe more presidential administrations should focus more on state animals and less on things like troop surges and health care.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I killed more gophers in a cow pasture in Minnesoda than I’ve ever seen anywhere else.

        Yes, they locked me up and threw away the key.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Well of course he kept asking Reince the question over and over again. Everyone knows that that is the only way to get through to him and have him answer you.

      Everyone has heard of Reince and Repeat.

      • Ozymandias

        Underrated comment.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      At one point, Trump reportedly also asked Priebus whether badgers have a “personality” or if they are boring, and he wondered if Priebus could show him pictures of badgers.

      LOL!

      I can just imagine him droning on about something mundane and trump interrupting him with a request for badger pics.

      • Mad Scientist

        I imagine him doing this in the presidential shitter while the hat and hair look on approvingly.

  29. Nephilium

    When the local newspapers start running opinion pieces pushing for privatization, you done fucked up well and good. Keep in mind this is the same West Side Market that was mentioned in Reason’s old video series with Drew Carry about saving Cleveland.

  30. R C Dean

    Best line is tough this time:

    concern fighting with the Botox to wrinkle her brow.

    or

    • R C Dean

      Amy is a hotdish halfwit.

      My hands were shaking and hit “Post Comment” by accident, OK? It happens in SF posts.

      • Pope Jimbo

        We’ve all had fun on here arguing about hotdish and its idiot cousin the casserole, but associating hotdish with Special K crosses the line. That is downright scurrilous libel!

      • Pope Jimbo

        Same level of authenticity as Warren’t genuine Cherokee “Crab with Tomato Mayonnaise Dressing” recipe.

        No way Special K has ever made hotdish on her own because it is the best food ever. She has take a bite or two at various potluck fundraisers to pretend she is one of us.

      • Fatty Bolger

        “No way Special K has ever made hotdish on her own”

        Of course not. She had a staffer make it, then screamed at her for 5 minutes for not using enough tater tots.

      • SugarFree

        And then ate hers with a comb.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Does she have separate salad and dinner combs?

      • pistoffnick

        “…it [hotdish] is the best food ever”

        I say this as a guy who believes there is no bad music, there IS bad hotdish. I’ve had many when I was growing up.
        Minnesotans are generally afraid to put any sort of seasoning in their recipes.

        And yes Amy has the charisma of bland hotdish.

      • Not Adahn

        I read that recipe and there is no taconite in it.

  31. R C Dean

    Speaking of Chinese bio-weapons, I saw a graphic on the teevee yesterday that listed how many people were infected, how many died, and how many recovered. Sadly, can’t come up with it easily, but I recall my mental math showing that the number who had died was something like 25% of those who had recovered.

    If that number holds, this is one scary fucking virus.

    Grain of salt – the numbers had to be sourced almost entirely from the ChiComs, so who knows how accurate they are. But I doubt the ChiComs would cook the numbers to make it look worse.

    • UnCivilServant

      I have to assume China is downplaying the extent of the problem in all aspects as much as possible.

  32. Sensei

    TW: NYT

    The Chaos at Condé NastThe memoirs of Dan Peres and other ex-employees of the magazine company reveal mess behind the gloss of the aughts.

    In the book, Mr. Peres reveals an opioid addiction that he tried for years to hide, and which, until he got clean in 2007, had him taking as many as 60 Vicodin pills a day. Among many anecdotes that illustrate his wincing desperation, he tells of gobbling up pills that had fallen onto the floor beneath a urinal at a black-tie event in 2003. “Does the five-second rule count for piss-soaked drugs?” Mr. Peres writes. “I’d like to say I hesitated.”

    Good Lord… Meanwhile while he was blitzed the inmates ran the asylum.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      I know intellectually that drug tolerance is a thing, but I can’t even comprehend taking that many pills without you know, dying.

      • Florida Man

        Step 1. Get hundreds of controlled substances

        Step 2.

        Step 3. Profit!

      • SugarFree

        With Vicodin, it was the acetaminophen that was the danger in that dosage. Assuming the lowest dose formulation, he was taking 19.5 grams of acetaminophen a day with 60 pills. 10 grams for an average adult is considered a toxic dose.

      • Sensei

        Wasn’t that one of the reasons it was put in there? To destroy the livers of addicts…

        I thought of that when I was reading it, but forgot about it when I was posting. Nasty stuff as it is cumulative with almost no symptoms until it wipes out your liver.

      • SugarFree

        The only reason. They give you a song and dance about the hydrocodone and the acetaminophen working together, but if you cold water extract the hydro, it works just exactly the same.

      • CPRM

        Well, as I understand, the goal isn’t to poison the liver specifically, but poison is the reason. From what I understand you’ll OD and get sick from the acetaminophen faster than you would from the narcotic. Hows that working out?

      • Tundra

        Well, if the goal is to kill people, I’d say it’s going swimmingly.

        Evil fucks.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yep. That’s some evil shit.

      • Not Adahn

        So much of what gets considered “morality” is about hating and harming people who have the wrong sorts of fun.

  33. The Late P Brooks

    Not cool

    The families of three female high school runners filed a federal lawsuit Wednesday seeking to block transgender athletes in Connecticut from participating in girls sports.

    Selina Soule, of Glastonbury High School, Alanna Smith, of Danbury High School, and Chelsea Mitchell, of Canton High School, are represented by the conservative nonprofit organization Alliance Defending Freedom. The organization argues that allowing athletes with male anatomy to compete has deprived their clients of track titles and scholarship opportunities.

    “Forcing them to compete against boys isn’t fair, shatters their dreams, and destroys their athletic opportunities,” attorney Christiana Holcomb said in a news release. “Having separate boys’ and girls’ sports has always been based on biological differences, not what people believe about their gender, because those differences matter for fair competition.

    ——-

    The lawsuit centers on two transgender sprinters, Terry Miller and Andraya Yearwood, who have frequently outperformed their cisgender competitors.

    The two seniors have combined to win 15 girls state indoor or outdoor championship races since 2017, according to the lawsuit.

    The three plaintiffs have competed directly against them, almost always losing to Miller and usually behind Yearwood. Mitchell finished third in the 2019 state championship in the girls 55-meter indoor track competition behind Miller and Yearwood.

    They’re just sore losers.

    • Florida Man

      No LEGITIMATE woman is afraid of running against trans-women. These girls are just bigots.

    • CPRM

      The BoyzIIWyMen finish 1 and 2, but there is no advantage. None at all.

    • R C Dean

      I will be fascinated to see how opening up women’s sports to male competitors isn’t a violation of Title IX and the Civil Rights Laws. Even if the rules are facially neutral, the disparate impact on females should be undeniable.

      And there is no, zip, zero, nada, protected class or anti-discrimination protection for “gender” or “gender identity”.

    • leon

      The families of three female high school runners filed a federal lawsuit Wednesday seeking to block transgender athletes in Connecticut from participating in girls sports.

      The funny thing is that they will get piled on about being oppresive people who hate transgender kids, and have lots of calls for their daughters to be kicked from participating at all. Meanwhile the transgender kids will be called “Stunning and brave” for bravely racing and thrashing female athletes.

      What are they suing under though, as i don’t know how this really is actionable, unless there is some obscure government reg in Title IX that they are going to attempt to use. Maybe they will argue that this violates the “Equal #” of programs for girls and boys requirement.

    • Pope Jimbo

      So we are not voting for the ERA today? I can never keep up with whether male/female is just a social construct or if women need to be protected from beastly men.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The Connecticut Association of Schools-Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference has said its policy follows a state anti-discrimination law that says students must be treated in school by the gender with which they identify.

      I imagine the athletic conference will welcome some clarity on this subject. They’re caught between a rock and a hard place, although they should have had the stones to take it to court themselves.

      • Rhywun

        I see what you did there.

      • R C Dean

        a state anti-discrimination law that says students must be treated in school by the gender with which they identify.

        Under the Supremacy Clause, if a statute violates a federal statute, like the one that prohibits a disparate impact, then the statute is kaput.

        Not saying they will win, just that based on stacks of precedent, they have a case.

  34. Swiss Servator

    Grunts and screams from the tank, high-speed gibbering, the dull thump thump thump of cows at slaughter, alien tongues chanting obscenities, the acrid scent of boiling Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper and bile.

    Hey?! You said you would never describe the staff meetings of TPTB!

  35. Rebel Scum

    Amnesty K

    But Americans need immigrants, the Minnesota Democrat insists — without admitting migrants also force down wages and force up housing costs. In June 2019, she said:

    Immigrants, they do not diminish America, they are America … we need to step back and talk about is the economic imperative here … We have a situation right now where we need workers in our fields and in our factories.

    Democrats can’t stop trying to get brown people to work their fields.

    “We need workers,” Klobuchar told Fox News’ Bret Baier February 2019, without mentioning Minnesota wages jumped by five percent in 2018 amid the low unemployment rate. She continued:

    I think we need to pass comprehensive immigration reform, and I look at this is not just a moral issue. I actually look at it as an economic issue. When you look at, in my state, we need workers for some of the jobs, especially in rural areas. We have a 2.8 percent unemployment rate.

    Doesn’t that defeat your argument?

    • R C Dean

      Immigrants, they do not diminish America, they are America

      Err, no. Immigrants are something like 12% of the total population of this country.

      And its odd to say that non-Americans are America, to say the least.

      • Akira

        Klobuchar talks as though the debate is whether anyone should be allowed to come in or not.

        Trump’s actual position is that immigration is great, but it needs to happen within the legal framework for doing so.

      • CPRM

        Hell, he even said he’d go along with the DREAMER crap if congress would pass it as an actual law.

  36. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Anniversary edition indeed.

    *hurls*

  37. Bill Door

    Apparently I should not have read this immediately after eating lunch. On a positive, the men in the white coats will be escorting me to the padded room in a moment’s time. Hopefully a loony bin stay can cure my brain from that.

    The horror… The HORROR!

  38. CPRM

    I happened to catch a commercial for one of the new AIDs drugs. A wonder of modern medicine. Wasn’t really paying attention, because of all the diseases I may have, I’m pretty sure I’m good on that front. Then I hear,

    “…has not been proven effective if you were assigned female at birth.”

    The smartest and dumbest aspects of this modern world all rolled into 30 seconds.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I hate that ad, just for that sentence alone.

      I assume it was the marketing gurus who decided to put that in there, while the pharmaceutical researchers are pulling their hair out.

    • Nephilium

      On all of the drug commercials I love the line: “Do not use X if you are allergic to X”.

      Well no shit…

  39. The Late P Brooks

    How can you hate them? They’re just reporting the facts as they see them.

    Carlson blasted CNN and their treatment of Sanders during last month’s Iowa debate and also addressed an awkward moment in which a New Hampshire voter told a MSNBC reporter during a live interview that she voted for Sanders because of their coverage.

    “The reason I went for Bernie is because of MSNBC, the kind of the ‘stop Bernie’ cynicism that I heard from a number of people. I watch MSNBC constantly,” The voter told MSNBC host Ari Melber. “So I heard that from a number of commentators and so, that, it made me angry enough [that] I said, ‘OK. Bernie’s got my vote.'”

    “Whatever the cable news yappers are against. I’m for,” Carlson said responding to the video clip. “For years, the Washington press corps has attacked Donald Trump for inciting hatred against the media. But of course, they have it backward. Hating the media is pretty much the only thing that all Americans still have in common at this point.”

    “And by the way, it’s well-deserved. It’s not accidental,” Carlson added. “Trump and Sanders don’t cause the hatred. They just take advantage of it. And why wouldn’t they?”

    How would the rubes know right from wrong if the media wasn’t there to explain it all to them?

    • leon

      “Trump and Sanders don’t cause the hatred. They just take advantage of it. And why wouldn’t they?”

      Carlson has got it down right on this one.

  40. The Late P Brooks

    “…has not been proven effective if you were assigned female at birth.”

    Sex is just assigned at random, depending on the whim of the attending physician.

    • leon

      I do remember a coin flip being involved at some point during my wife’s labor.

    • SugarFree

      Not random, indeterminate until the doctor sees them and collapses their wave state with observation. Schrödinger’s junk.

      • pistoffnick

        “Schrödinger’s junk.”

        That’s beautiful, man.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Is there a pussy in the box?

      • SugarFree

        You have to open it to find out.

        [SURPRISE PENIS]

  41. Sensei

    NTSB Releases Details in 2 Crashes Involving Tesla Autopilot

    The documents say Huang told his wife that Autopilot had previously veered his SUV toward the same barrier on U.S. 101 near Mountain View, California where he later crashed. Huang died at a hospital from his injuries.

    “Walter said the car would veer toward the barrier in the mornings when he went to work,” the Huang family’s attorney wrote in a response to NTSB questions.

    So you know that Autopilot, which requires 100% driver attention at all times per Tesla and its owner’s manual, consistently fails to detect this road condition. Yet you continue to use it on this stretch of road.

    From personal experience the current incarnation of Tesla’s Autopilot is far from fully baked. I works well on some roads and not so well on other roads. And on some roads and traffic situations it is downright scary and I won’t use it. I also didn’t pony up for future “full self driving” so my Model 3 won’t automatically change lanes on limited access highways. It also can’t be remotely summoned in parking lots. Also a source of hysterical YouTube videos when they crash into barriers, other cars and go the wrong way in the parking lot.

    • Tundra

      When I don’t want to pay attention to the road, I just Uber.

      • CPRM

        …something treating your car like your wife something…

      • Sensei

        In moderate traffic on the highway with good sized lanes and shoulders Autopilot is quite nice.

        It will maintain following distance for people that can’t keep a consistent speed and it will also keep you in your lane. It DOES require you have at least one hand on the wheel, but greatly reduces driver fatigue.

        But I’m quite paranoid when I use it – no phone use or any kind of distracted driving. Too many years of motorcycle riding and understanding every cager really does want to kill you.

    • kinnath

      Automation breed complacency.

      Complacency leads to death.

  42. Rhywun

    This is incredible. Remember those “blackface” dolls?

    The deal, the New York Times reports, includes a promise by Prada to send all of its New York City employees — and its Milan executives — to sensitivity training. Prada has also agreed to allow for external oversight of its business for two years, and to hire a diversity-and-inclusion director (one that has to be approved by the commission) who will be responsible for “reviewing Prada’s designs before they are sold, advertised or promoted in any way in the United States.”

    We will banish the wrongthought, one clothing store at a time.

  43. The Late P Brooks

    Prada has also agreed to allow for external oversight of its business for two years, and to hire a diversity-and-inclusion director (one that has to be approved by the commission) who will be responsible for “reviewing Prada’s designs before they are sold, advertised or promoted in any way in the United States.”

    Are you kidding?

    I’d abandon the market and/or shut it all down before I’d put up with that bullshit.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      diversity-and-inclusion director: That’s a job I wouldn’t want even if I were for this type of thing.

      How can they keep up with the changing definitions of the cancel culture. All you have to do is make one mistake and you’re done for even if the ad was fine a week ago?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        diversity-and-inclusion director

        Now you know where the grievance studies grads land, other than in government.

        It’s a hell of a racket.

      • UnCivilServant

        You keep up with the changing definition by being the ones that push the changes.

  44. Scruffy Nerfherder

    No Longer An Employee: Why didn’t you pay me for the two days of sick?

    Me: Well, you called in sick for two days and then never called in or showed up again. It just so conveniently happened that you had exactly two days of sick leave accrued. So I considered you terminated on the first day you were absent.

    No Longer An Employee: Man, I busted my ass for you guys and I was working with a bad back and you worked me like a mule.

    Me: We asked you if you needed to go the doctor (on our nickel) and you said no. I guess we mistakenly took you at your word.

    No Longer An Employee: This is what I get for two years of work?

    Me: Please take your two days of sick leave pay and don’t call me again or come back to work.

    • CPRM

      busted my ass

      worked me like a mule

      I didn’t know you worked in Tijuana.

    • Sensei

      Amazing isn’t it.

      So NLAE did call In, but after an extended absence never bothered to contact you? How long was NLAE out before deciding to try get 2 days pay?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It’s been a couple of weeks.

    • Nephilium

      A story was long told at my old place of employment about a contractor who moved on. Something glitched in the system, and the company kept cutting him checks. Rather then call in and mention it, he went on cashing them, and depositing them. Then he decided to start spending the money. The company noticed the error after about 9 months, and reached out to the former contractor to recover the money they sent in error. He said he didn’t have it anymore, and he couldn’t give it back to them. The company then said they could work out a payment plan, or they could see him in court.

      He agreed to the payment plan.

      • Sensei

        That was acutally rather charitable of your old employer.

        Kind of a reverse “Office Space”

        Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can’t actually find a record of him being a current … So he won’t be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally.

      • ChipsnSalsa

        “We fixed the glitch.”

        “So Milton has been let go?”

        “We fixed the glitch.”

      • Bobarian LMD

        As I recall, Milton fixed the glitch.

    • R C Dean

      No Longer An Employee: This is what I get for two years of work?

      You got paid for two years of work. When you stopped working, we stopped paying. See how this, err, works?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      You fuck wypipo? Totally lame.

      • Chipwooder

        *hangs head in shame*

    • Brochettaward

      I chase crying people through the woods regularly and you don’t see me making a big to-do about it.

      • Nephilium

        So you’re the one hunting all of those clowns?

      • UnCivilServant

        I wondered what happened to the creepy clown infestation.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Who do you think you are STEVE SMITH?

    • CPRM

      That gunshot did not sound like a black powder weapon.

      • UnCivilServant

        They’re so racist they used a white powder weapon.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Ugh. Cringey.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Army calls that SERE training.

      Probably a lot less crying, though.