Allow Me to Introduce Myself: Part 2

by | Mar 26, 2020 | Fiction, Literature | 251 comments

I wrote this for an anthology my publishing partner wanted to do, Monsters & Mormons, a reclaiming of our questionable literary heritage as pulp fiction villains. Even though this story is very niche, I’ve decided not to link to any clarifying information. Y’all are smart. You’ll figure it out.


NOR DOES he tonight when I show up for work, though I expect another chastisement.

Baby ’gator greets me and a raven lands on my neoprene-covered head. Several skunks waddle out from the brush on the sandbar where we park, and a black bear rumbles out from the forest on the left and straightens to her full nine feet, four inches. Ezekiel’s mouth tightens.

“Tell your friends to cool it. I’m not the enemy.”

Then why do they think you are?

I expect him to answer my thought, but it seems as if he hasn’t even heard it. Either he’s deliberately not listening, he’s ignoring me, or my thoughts have been shielded from him.

Since I don’t know which, my attitude does not improve when the animals clear out as instructed and we wade into the bayou.

“How do you feel?” he asks abruptly, half a mile in, not a demon in sight.

What a strange question. “Fine. Why wouldn’t I?”

“You weren’t on your game last night.”

“Like you expected me to be?”

“I didn’t know you were that insecure.”

“I’m not insecure. I’m an average hunter in a crap assignment. I know that and I’m okay with it.”

He looks at me sharply. “Average? Crap assignment? Is that what you think?”

“You tell me,” I say snidely. “You can read my mind.”

He says nothing for a second or two. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” he mutters. “Habit. For what it’s worth, I can’t now.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Can’t.”

The layer of en garde I had added dissipates like a demon under fire. My muscles loosen up and I can focus again.

“In any case,” I say, and nonchalantly swipe through a gaggle of demons that pops up to my right. “I’m sure you’ve seen my numbers. Perfectly average. In a target-rich environment. My kill ratio isn’t anything to brag about.”

“Uh, okay. You and I need to talk.” He mists another squadron to our left and says, “But not right now.”

We blast our way through the swamp. He curls his lip when he realizes he’s going to have to swim a while, but he does it. I surface close to a two-hundred-year-old swamp cypress in whose trunk I have slept many times when I’ve been too tired to drive home. She, too, is my friend.

I wade toward her to find out how she’s doing. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this far into the swamp.

“Don’t touch her!” Ezekiel snarls.

I don’t. But I’m flabbergasted. Is he here to sever all my relationships with the beings I love?

“Move.”

I do. Because that’s what I do: obey.

He points at her and slices clean through her at her wide base, at least ten feet in diameter. I cover my ears when she cries out in pain, and watch in horror when she slowly topples into the swamp, triggering wakes that might have knocked over a weaker human.

I don’t care if he is the High General. “Why did you do that?!”

“Don’t scream at me. Look.”

Demolition demons—legions of them—ooze out of the stump of the cypress like sap, fizzing out like birthday candles dunked in water.

I’ve never seen that before, and I blink to clear my vision.

“They—” I stop. I don’t know what to say. “They can’t—” But they were. Eating. Not sowing the seeds of disease, but actively destroying a living being. “They’re not supposed to be able to—” I look at her body, all hollowed out, and now I want to puke. “How—?”

“They do advance in knowledge.” Ezekiel wades through the water toward the tree. “It just takes them longer.” I cry. Silently. I can’t help it.

I love her.

Grief makes its way through the swamp and I can hear the keening of the other trees and the birds, feel the quiver of the swamp bottom under my feet from the creatures swaying and stomping out their sorrow. My poor, confused baby ’gator rubs up against me for comfort.

Why haven’t I watched her more carefully? Has it been that long since I was this far east?

High General Alleyn looks at me, but I look away.

I’m only average.

Why am I here?

Ezekiel takes out a sample kit and scrapes a bit of her body into a bag. The inside ring looks like it’s been burnt, but it doesn’t flake. It clumps. I reach out to touch her.

Nothing.

Where once was warmth and joy and love, there is only a cold body.

I am ashamed to cry in front of the High General.

“Jesus wept,” he says softly.

Oh!

Hope!

“Can you—”

“No.” He tucks the bag in a pocket in his skin. “It was her time. She served her purpose.”

“What, to be an incubator for lab demons?!”

“You’re screaming again.”

“But—”

He stares at me for a moment. “Are you … questioning … Sister Judge?”

I nearly bite my tongue in two.

I can feel his stare getting heavier by the millisecond, like a yoke around my neck.

“Go home, Deb.” He flips a switch on his disperser. It begins to glow, brighter and brighter as it warms up until it’s lighting the swamp like a collection of flood lamps around a baseball field. It hums ominously and I stand transfixed. “I said go home!

Gladly.

It’s all I can do to get out of the swamp, peel off my neoprene, drive home, and crawl into bed without breaking down.

And then I do.

My friend is dead.

•  •  •

I AWAKE to a pounding on my door.

It’s my landlord, wanting me to do something with whatever vermin the restaurant next door has attracted.

I drag myself out of bed and throw a robe on.

He’s a tense and easily agitated little man, but for some reason he settles down when he’s around me.

“What is it this time?” I ask.

“More ’coons.”

Not more. The same family, finding their way back after I’ve told them a million times to stay where I put them. It’s not like they don’t have restaurants in Baton Rouge.

D’accord,” I sigh, wanting only to get back to bed. I’d only just gotten to sleep—

His brows lower and he cocks his head. “You all right, chère?”

Fatigué.”

“You don’t look so good. I’ll send up some soup.”

He offers to feed me at least once a week; he thinks I’m too skinny. I never take him up on it, but today … “Merci.”

That earns me a long look. The back of a cool hand on my forehead. “You go back to bed. The rats will wait.”

“I’m not sick, Antoine. Let me get myself together and eat.”

I pray. Shower. Eat the homemade chicken soup Antoine left on my table. Dress in another one of my vintage outfits—

I was born in 1952. It’s my hobby, collecting outfits from eras past, chronicling my history via my closet. Every decade had its highs and lows—mostly of the hemline type. My journal starts with my wedding dress, the one I never wore.

My parents, my fiancé, my friends—they don’t remember me, don’t have one trace of a scrap of an inkling that I ever existed. I don’t mind. I wasn’t cut out to be a wife and a mother. I had no talents. I was an average student. I had few friends. I was a disaster as a babysitter. I was a passable athlete and marginally decent at girls’ camp.

My only redeeming characteristics were my beauty and my affinity for animals, and I couldn’t take any credit for either of those. I was Elly May Clampett and as annoyingly popular—only without the blissfully ignorant part.

In short, I was entirely useless as a human being. Or anything else.

So when something that looked like love came calling, it didn’t occur to me not to do what I was supposed to do and kneel at the altar.

My mother was more excited than I was.

It was 1971. I was nineteen. I handed my recommend to the worker at the front desk of the Salt Lake temple, and he said,

“We’ve been waiting for you, young lady.”

Of course they were. I could see my and my fiancé’s names written right there in the appointment book with “sealing” written right beside them.

I was taken to the bowels of the temple and stuck in an office somewhere. I had never been to the temple, but even so, this seemed … weird.

An older couple entered the room—

Well, everybody who works in the temple is old. Sometimes … a lot older than they look.

The sister sat in the chair on my left, and the brother sat in the chair on my right.

“Where’s my mother?” I burst out.

“She went to do a session,” said the sister with a mischievous smile. I liked her immediately.

The brother inhaled through his nose, deeply, enough to puff his chest out. He blew it all out with a whoosh. “Sister Deborah Judge,” he said quietly. “We would like to extend you a calling.”

Okay, now that was not normal. Even I knew that.

But they explained the calling, what it entailed, every detail of what would happen to me and those closest to me. I could accept, or not. If not, I would go about starting the life I had come here for, and leave with no memory of this meeting.

“I accept.”

“Are you sure?”

Sure? A chance to be ugly, alone, and childless? Doing something I might stand a chance at doing well? Perhaps acquire an actual accomplishment? Being useful?

“Sign me up.”

I stroke the dress made of white Swiss dot cotton and flowery lace emphasizing the empire waist. I press the velvety bumps between my fingers and wonder again why I was called to this position. Unfortunately, I had no innate talent for it; I didn’t excel in my training; I was fundamentally no different from the gorgeous girl who had entered the front door of the temple to get married and came out the back door an ugly demon hunter.

And now I have a swamp full of enhanced demolition demons I don’t know how to fight, armed with inadequate weapons, the highest-ranking officer in our army snarling at me, and the beginnings of what feels like the flu.

Except …

… hunters don’t get sick.

Therefore, I am not sick. I’m tired, in shock, intimidated by my commanding officer, grieving for my friend, feeling guilty—and so very inadequate—that I didn’t know she was hurting.

I turn and look at the clock. A little after nine. I knew it.

Oh, well. I’ll escort the raccoon family somewhere with a restaurant that serves their kind of food (and hope they stay there this time) and come home for an afternoon nap.

I clip down the back stairs and open the door to the alley.

Uh oh.

Nine p.m.

It’s a really good thing tonight’s my night off, or I’d have been late.

For the first time in almost forty years.

In front of the High General.

I put my fingers to my mouth and let out a whistle only animals can hear. The raccoons come waddling. They know they’re in trouble, but they don’t care; they chuck their noses up at me and trudge on past me to the parking lot and wait at the side of my car.

They know the routine.

But this time I’m prepared.

“I’m taking you to Ponchatoula,” I say as I turn north onto the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway. “They have a nice restaurant there. I made sure it was to your taste.”

The daddy ’coon sniffs in disdain.

They don’t care for me much. I suppose I wouldn’t care for someone who kept running me off my territory, either.

I park a block away from an old hole-in-the-wall diner that still hand-presses and breads its chicken-fried steak and fries it in a cast-iron skillet, still makes its own mayonnaise, still grates its own cabbage for the cole slaw, grows its own okra for the gumbo, and has pie crust so light and flaky it’s almost phyllo dough.

I usher them out of my car, and the mama takes a whiff. I think she may approve of my choice. I lead them around the corner to the alley. “I’ll make you a deal. The minute they start serving frozen, nuked food, you can come on back, okay?”

They still don’t like me—the daddy uses his back claws to kick up dirt at me—but they head toward the restaurant’s back door to dig through the refuse.

Time for bed.

“ … gave your word.”

I stop short. I know that language. I know that voice. What’s it doing in Ponchatoula? Why isn’t it in Atchafalaya?

And why is he using Adamic?

“Look, General.” I would never dare speak to Ezekiel with that tone of voice. “You have your problems and I have mine, and one of mine is that you aren’t doing your job.”

“What, you think it’s easy for me to get away?”

“Speaking of, where’s your novitiate?”

“Probably watching American Idol or something equally mindless.”

Oh.

“She’s not too bright. Good luck with that.”

“Thanks. I need all the luck I can get.”

My heart thumps so hard I’m nauseated.

I creep along the wall until I get to the next corner, around which I peek to see the High General talking with … a demon.

Not just any demon. Their king, one step up from Ezekiel’s rank, equivalent to Michael, able to take on not just the approximation of a human, but any species, real or imagined. He is powerful and impervious to our weaponry.

He could probably turn into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man if he wanted to.

Apollyon is shirtless and looks like your run-of-the-mill biker, only … handsome. Extraordinarily so. Ezekiel is, well … he’s … plain.

Beauty comes standard on incubi, as one would expect, even if they are bald and their skulls are covered in tattoos.

I look up and through my trifocals until all his tattoos come into focus: the Adamic language put to symbols regular humans can’t see. They spiral around his neck, off his shoulders and down his arms.

It’s a list of names, his conquests—humans whose lives he’s destroyed with his machinations and mind tricks. They shift, his tattoos; it’s dizzying how fast new runes appear on his skin. It’s like a stock ticker. For him, souls are like compound interest; they increase exponentially over time, with no extra effort expended.

I see the names; they mean nothing to me. It’s an intimidation tactic for those who can read them. Why is Ezekiel here with Apollyon?

I can’t move, so I pray for guidance, because that’s what I do best—the only thing I do well.

Nothing.

Apollyon shoves his finger in Ezekiel’s face. “You don’t get to do the bargaining here, Zeke. You’re under my command. Please do try to remember that.”

I’m still praying.

No answer.

But I can’t not hear this.

“She’s nothing to me,” Ezekiel says. “Take her. I don’t want her at my back.”

“I already have her,” Apollyon sneers. “You’re not paying attention.”

“Look, I’ve given you everything you want and apparently you’ve taken whatever else you wanted, so give me what I want.”

Apollyon sighs. “Zeke Zeke Zeke. You’re as stupid as she is. Did you think you were exempt from the Morning Star’s toll? Really?” He starts to laugh at the look of utter betrayal on Ezekiel’s face.

Powerlessness.

I stop praying and run.

About The Author

Mojeaux

Mojeaux

Aspiring odalisque.

251 Comments

    • Mojeaux

      Dude, SPOILERS!!!!

      • Tundra

        It’s one of my favorite songs, Mo.

        And I showed tremendous restraint last week.

      • Tres Cool

        I found the GnR cover of it to be surprisingly likeable.

      • Tundra

        You spelled laughable wrong.

      • Tres Cool

        SHUT UP BOOMER!

      • Chipwooder

        Motorhead’s is awesome. Tell me Lemmy doesn’t sound totes authentic as the Devil.

    • Gender Traitor

      Mr. GT used to play this cover to freak out his little sisters.

    • Donation Not Taxation

      ‘My only redeeming characteristics were my beauty and my affinity for animals, and I couldn’t take any credit for either of those. I was Elly May Clampett and as annoyingly popular—only without the blissfully ignorant part.’

  1. Dr. Fronkensteen

    Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you

    Either this or blackmail it sounds like. Or maybe a combination of both.

    • blackjack

      I thought I was killing time, turns out time was killing me.

  2. Sean

    ⬅️

    I’m really liking the story.

    • Mojeaux

      Thank you!!! (Sorry for the lateness. I was trying to keep up on my phone.)

  3. leon

    I’ve been around y’all too much when i read:

    Apollyon sighs. “Zeke Zeke Zeke. You’re as stupid as she is

    as “tsk, tks, tsk”, and have expected Apollyon to say “and i Oop” after.

    • Tres Cool

      Apollyon as a VSCO. Now that is stuck in my head.

  4. robc

    Some twists I wasn’t expecting.

  5. Rebel Scum

    I though it was beer flu, not swine flu.

    On Wednesday afternoon, the police department informed CNN that 197 police officers – and an additional 39 civilian staffers – had tested positive for the coronavirus.

    The total number of confirmed coronavirus cases among NYPD officers has nearly doubled in the last 48 hours, according to NBC News.

    In total, about one hundred officers had tested positive for coronavirus as of Monday, with the department informing the news agency that approximately 6.6% of the workforce, including civilian staffers, had called in sick.

    According to CNN, about 3,200 hundred officers in total were out sick Wednesday, a figure that represents almost 9% of the city’s police force. NBC News reports that NYPD employees were calling in sick at a rate “nearly double” that of the typical day.

    • Ted S.

      So with all the police in quarantine there will be less crime.

  6. Gustave Lytton
    • Raven Nation

      And there’s an answer to the “why don’t people trust experts” from the previous thread.

      Which is not to say all experts and predictions should be rejected, but blind acceptance is also problematic.

    • leon

      Ferguson thus dropped his prediction from 500,000 dead to 20,000.

      trump got to him!

      • leon

        Or Better! Our measures are working! Let’s keep them up!

      • Gustave Lytton

        It’s happeningworking!

        (Lockdown/social distancing)

      • Tres Cool

        I think I read it here, that it’s likely CDC has 4 models running-
        1) SHTF
        2) Severe
        3) Moderate
        4) Mild

        So no matter how this pans out, some expert is going to point to whichever model was closest and say “See? We told you this was going to happen!”

      • Gustave Lytton

        The one thing that’s clear (and has been clear) through this is that the CDC is woefully off track in preventing, controlling, and responding to contagious diseases. I’d like to think this will lead to heads rolling and the agency getting forcibly repurposed back to infectious diseases, but that’s unlikely.

      • RAHeinlein

        Under “groper” Fridan, the CDC was far more concerned with ATSDR since that provided expert-backed license for state lawsuits. Plus, a continued emphasis on HIV and Ebola.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The ATSDR is a bunch of bullshit. It’s nationalizing Prop 65.

      • RAHeinlein

        ^^This guy gets it.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        They never tell you what the cuts were specifically to.

      • invisible finger

        Great. So the lectures about obesity, smoking, trangenderism, and climate change will continue to increase.

      • Plinker762

        Similar to producing a graph with the predictions of 20 climate “models”

      • Tres Cool

        Or forecasting hurricanes ?

      • Gustave Lytton

        I would really hope this self inflicted cratering of the economy, which is a taste of the green death cultists’ desired outcome, would lead people to question both the climate change alarmism and the elites’ prescription for that. Unfortunately I think Gell-Man amnesia will set in.

      • Plinker762

        LOL, shutting down the economy and sheltering in place saved us from the CCP Virus and will save us from the Earth catching on fire.

        I’m afraid the lesson learned will be that an all powerful government saved us.

      • WTF

        And the other lesson learned is that they can suspend the constitution by declaring an emergency.

      • R C Dean

        “You won’t believe this one weird trick . . . .”

    • Tres Cool

      “In other words, Ferguson’s highly influential initial model was off by orders of magnitude.”

      Ya don’t say?

    • Chipwooder

      See, now this is where I have to say that simple common sense should have raised major question marks regarding this supposed “expert” opinion. I posed this question on a thread days ago: if millions were supposedly going to die in the US, shouldn’t there be a helluva lot more deaths in China by now?? Even when you allow for the obvious dishonesty of the CCP, it seems impossible that even they could conjure 3 to 4 thousand dead out of hundreds of thousands, if not millions. The virus has been circulating in China for at least six months, it is still a Third World country in most places with much lower standards of sanitation, nutrition, and healthcare, and yet there aren’t millions dead in China. See also the data from the Diamond Princess.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Because they went to total lockdown in the hotspot and drastic measures elsewhere.

        Why are you out questioning your betters? Get back in your cower in place abode, citizen!

      • WTF

        I was having this argument last week with a lefty, who kept going to “but the model!” And I kept trying to make them understand the principle of GIGO, to no avail.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Quick, pass that stimulus bill before anybody notices!

      • Gustave Lytton

        Pass it now before we shoot ourselves in the head! Again!

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      “This is a remarkable turn from Neil Ferguson, who led the [Imperial College] authors who warned of 500,000 UK deaths — and who has now himself tested positive for #COVID,” started Berenson.

      Seems to me that there are a LOT of asymptomatic cases then.

      • R C Dean

        He caught a meme?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Professor Gupta led a team of researchers at Oxford in a modeling study which suggests that the virus has been invisibly spreading for at least a month earlier than suspected, concluding that as many as half of the people in the United Kingdom have already been infected by COVID-19.

      If that’s the case, then why the surge in ventilator cases now? Are they all still infected and it takes weeks to develop the severe symptoms?

      Raises a lot of questions.

      • Plinker762

        The answer is: Nobody knows what is going on.

      • R C Dean

        If that’s the case, then why the surge in ventilator cases now? Are they all still infected and it takes weeks to develop the severe symptoms?

        The lag from infection to symptoms is somewhere in the 7 – 14 day range. The lag from symptoms to hospitalization (for those who need it) is in the 7 – 14 day range, but is variable depending on co-morbidities. This thing also spreads on a bell curve – you can expect a delay of months between initial introduction and the steep part of the curve, meaning the surge in cases should lag introduction by months.

        The ease with which the CCP Virus is confused with other infections should not be understated. 70 year olds with respiratory infections and pneumonia are not exactly uncommon. It is entirely possible that a good number of CCP Virus victims presented and died without anyone even really suspecting they were CCP Virus victims.

    • Raven Nation

      “Never let a crisis go to waste.”

      Drug warrior version.

      IOW: let’s do this now while everyone is distracted.

      • Donation Not Taxation

        Not saying yet you are right or wrong about this. Why would they want to wait for a distraction to do this?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Bernie hardest hit.

      • Donation Not Taxation

        Or it gives Bernie an excuse for why it did not work in Venezuela

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        You’d have to be a moron to believe that explanation… oh wait…

      • Donation Not Taxation

        Not really. Some people just need even a flimsy excuse as a rationalization so that they can go ahead with their worldview and/or action that they were going to do anyway.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      It would be nice if that were true.

      • Donation Not Taxation

        Less infectious would be nice.

  7. leon

    Can any of you find what the Senate Stimulus bill is numbered? I can’t find it in any news articles.

    • leon

      Ok. It’s numbered HR 748 which confuses me. I thought even amendments got new numbers, and since this originated in the Senate, it would get a senate number.

      • RAHeinlein

        HR 748 is a separate item. I don’t see the Coronavirus relief bill on the House docket either.

      • UnCivilServant

        Cutsey Acronym – Rejected.

      • RAHeinlein

        Thanks.

    • kinnath

      666

      • westernsloper

        *snort

    • Donation Not Taxation

      Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security Act
      CARES
      S. 3548

  8. Donation Not Taxation

    Vote was 96-0 with four abstaining
    https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2020/mar/25/senate-passes-coronavirus-stimulus-bill-unanimous-/

    Five senators were in quarantine
    Cory Gardner, Mike Lee, Rand Paul, Mitt Romney, and Rick Scott
    https://wfin.com/covid-19/five-senators-under-quarantine-due-to-covid-19/

    But Romney out in time to vote
    https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/romney-tests-negative-for-coronavirus

    ‘Sen. Mitt Romney said he tested negative for the coronavirus after interacting with Sen. Rand Paul, whose test came back positive.’

    • Private Chipperbot

      “Once my souvenir pens come in, I’ll sign our version so we can make this thing law,” Pelosi said. “They’re on backorder for the next 6-8 weeks, so just hang in there, America.”

      Holy god, that’s savage.

      • Pine_Tree

        “…totalling approximately $88 bajillion dollars. (Many expressed concern that we would have to pay this back at some point, but congresspeople assured their constituents that it’s just their kids and grandkids who will have to pay for our reckless spending.)”

  9. RAHeinlein

    Thanks, Mo. I enjoy the character and looking forward to seeing where she goes (“and as good cooks go, she went”).

  10. SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

    OT: wow, they just rescheduled the Indy 500 for the end of August. That’s, erm, gonna be miserable.

    • banginglc1

      I am unhappy . . . .to say the least.

  11. Fatty Bolger

    Over 3 million people put out of work (so far) due to the coronavirus panic. Unbelievable.

  12. R C Dean

    Muchly looking forward to reading this end-to-end next week.

    Update on my COVID “bio-ethics” *spit* issue:

    So far so good. The recommendations are being held. There is much concern over them. I wasn’t the only who flinched (literally, in some cases) at the phrase “instrumental value to society”. More to come; expecting the frank exchange of views later today. I’m hoping I don’t have to use the phrase “You’d have to be highly educated indeed to believe this is a good idea”. Very little willingness expressed so far to withhold or withdraw ICU beds/ventilators from low-“value”/priority patients.

    Off to do some research on whether withdrawing ventilator to give it to another patient would actually constitute manslaughter.

    • leon

      Triage is a hard issue, and so i’m not saying it’s easy or even that every choice is happy, but the guidelines you were saying they were talking about were downright evil.

      Again, Keep fighting to good fight!

    • Drake

      Please tell me you’re nowhere near that point yet. I’d rather be pumped full of experimental drugs that may cure or may kill me – than left to suffocate.

      • R C Dean

        Nah. This thing is barely statistical noise in AZ at this point.

        I’m betting the warmer weather knocks it down before we get to a crisis. That may push it back to next flu season, though, when it will stack to some extent on the usual flu surge.

      • Drake

        Eh – at that point maybe the FDA will actually acknowledge some the treatments that are working and approve them for outpatients. And by then testing will be on every lab’s menu and they’ll be sure of the accuracy… In other words it will be where Zika virus is today in FL.

      • blighted_non_millenial

        Yep, the healtcare system I work for has spun up testing internally (at least at our main facility). We are getting results back much faster.

      • R C Dean

        We don’t have the big machines that can run the current tests.

        Our lab machines are pretty damned big, too. I was surprised to learn they come in even larger sizes.

      • Drake

        A Quest or LabCorp mainlab is as big as a midsized factory. Take a tour sometime when things get boring again. I think LabCorp’s biggest lab is near Phoenix.

    • Donation Not Taxation

      ‘ “bio-ethics” *spit*’

      ‘Evil? Your evil is my good. I am Sutekh the Destroyer. Where I tread, I leave nothing but dust and darkness. I find that good!’

    • tarran

      Hey RC!

      I read an interesting article in Wattsupwiththat last night that I think might be relevant to your meeting:

      The Italian Connection

      Looking at all of this as a whole picture, I had a curious thought about who they were representing. I thought … consider the characteristics of the people who died:

      More of the patients were over 90 than were under 60.
      The average age was 79 years.
      All but three of them had at least one other disease, so basically all of them were already sick.
      Three-quarters of them had two other diseases, and half of them had three or more other diseases. Half!

      My thought was … that’s not a sample of the people in the street. That’s not a sample of an Italian family.

      That’s a sample of a totally different population.

      I was forced to a curious conclusion, both discouraging and encouraging. It is that most of these diseases were probably not community-acquired. Instead, I would hazard a guess that most of them go by the curious name of “nosocomial” infections, viz:

      nos·o·co·mi·al

      /ˌnōzōˈkōmēəl/

      adjective MEDICINE

      (of a disease) originating in a hospital.

      Here’s what I suspect. I think that the COVID-19 disease got established in a couple of areas in Italy well before anyone even knew the disease was there, perhaps even before the Chinese recognized it as a novel disease.

      And in some fashion, it got into the medical system. Doesn’t matter how. But once there, it was spread invisibly to other patients, in particular the oldest and weakest of the patients. It went from patient to patient, from patient to visitor and back again, and it was also spread by everyone in the hospital from administrators to doctors and nurses to janitors. In many, perhaps most cases, they didn’t even know they were sick, but they were indeed infectious.

      Naturally, I’m sure you guys are taking precautions against this sort of thing at your hospital. But this was one of those things that hadn’t occured to me until I read it and then was completely obvious afterwards. I share it in the off chance you might find it useful/interesting.

      • R C Dean

        Its not following that pattern here. As near as we can tell with the crap data we have, there’s a fair amount of “community acquired” at this point (medicalese for “we have no idea”) by an increasing number of people who have tested positive. We can still track probably the majority of cases in AZ back 1 – 3 steps to someone who was more at risk (airline workers show up pretty regularly in the list of possible contacts).

        What is interesting, and again the data is gappy and laggy, is the number of at-risk possible contacts who don’t seem to have symptoms. Testing spread and results are still crap, though. We are waiting a week for results.

      • invisible finger

        “COVID-related deaths” are as dishonest a statistic as “alcohol-related accidents.”

      • R C Dean

        What was interesting to me in the revision of the doomsday UK model was they referred (not by name, I don’t think) to the concept of “excess deaths”, as in, a lot of these people weren’t going to live out the year anyway. It wasn’t a question of whether they would die soon, only a question of what they would die from.

    • grrizzly

      Whose relatives give a bribe to the person(s) in charge at the hospital will get a ventilator. That’s how it’s done in Russia or even in Quebec.

      • banginglc1

        I’d find that more ethical than what he was stating on the previous thread.

    • Ozymandias

      ZARDOZ APPROVES OF THESE ‘INSTRUMENTAL VALUE’ GUIDELINES TO HELP PURGE THE BRUTALS; ESPECIALLY ONCE ZARDOZ EXPLAINS NONE OF THE BRUTALS HAVE ANY VALUE.

    • Ted S.

      The job of an “ethicist” is to come up with rationalizations for things normal people find morally repugnant.

  13. Suthenboy

    goddammit.
    Wife leaves the house for ten minutes and I put the news on.
    Carl Rove is weighing in on when to reopen the economy.

    In what way whatsoever is that halfwit qualified to have an opinion worth a gnat’s fart on the issue?

    • The Other Kevin

      Just like any other issue in our digital age, there are only two extreme options. Remove all quarantine orders and let everyone die, or keep the quarantine up for 18 months and destroy the economy. There appears to be no other option.

      • UnCivilServant

        Look, it’s a binary world out there. Ones and zeroes, there’s no room for an in-between.

      • invisible finger

        The only way to slow a car down is to hit the brake pedal.

        /halfthedriversoutthere

    • Sensei

      Appropriately, it’s Karl.

      That buffoon and his steel tariffs were responsible for my finally giving me the push I needed to leave the Republican party during W’s first term.

      • Suthenboy

        *shoots squishy spitball through plastic straw at Sensei*

        Ok, Karl.

      • Sensei

        Sorry Suthen – my jab was mostly aimed at both Karls – Rove and Marx and not so much at you.

      • Suthenboy

        No need to apologize. I am just grumpier then hell.
        Just got back from the pharmacy. They only unlock the door and let one person in at a time. Just inside the door is a table and they dont let you pass that. You tell them what you want and they get it for you.

        Outside the door is a congregation. You have to touch the door handle. I know they are trying but most of it is theater. We are all going to catch it sooner or later. Any slowing down of the spread will be completely inadvertent.
        I know they took the course and passed it but….Jeebus.

      • Gustave Lytton

        How many times did the staff inside touch their hands to their face?

        /something I watch since I can’t see their hand washing frequency/technique.

    • BakedPenguin

      But Suthen, he’s an expert! He’s already implemented government programs that:

      1) Did no good
      2) Cost a metric fuck-ton of money; and
      3) Destroyed the cherished rights of Americans.

    • tarran

      Oh yes….

      I’ve had a few departmental meetings that dragged on, and have been very diligent about muting my headset’s mic before answering nature’s call. 🙂

    • UnCivilServant

      Oh come on. As with any meeting, if I have to go, I just politely excuse myself and walk away, leaving the phone on mute.

      Common sense isn’t common I guess.

      • Nephilium

        Most of the meetings I’m in I never unmute my audio.

      • UnCivilServant

        I am expected to more actively participate.

      • Nephilium

        Depends on the call for me. There’s far too many of the “let’s round everyone up and get them on a bridge” type.

      • UnCivilServant

        Ugh. I hate those.

        You dragged me out of my mental stupor for that?

      • tarran

        One thing I’m discovering when we’re using business skype, someone is sharing their screen, and I’ve hit F5 to make it full screen so that my late-middle aged eyes can make out the text, the button to toggle the mute is hidden and takes a couple of seconds to unhide and click.

        So I know come accross as inattentive.

        The hilarious bit, though, was the meeting where I thought we were having a profound silence, but my boss’s boss was talking into a muted microphone.

      • Nephilium

        With everyone remote now, the real fun comes when we’re wondering if someone is having issues with WebEx, or if they double muted (phone and WebEx), and just forgot to turn one of them off. Then there was the person who couldn’t figure it out at all, and kept re-muting themselves. They had mute on WebEx, turned that off, and then muted their phone. Reverse and repeat.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Reminds me of a conference call one time when I was next to a railroad crossing. I got my mute button on/off sequence mixed up and muted myself while talking and unmuted during the horn.

      • R C Dean

        “mixed up”

        Sure, Gustave.

    • Rebel Scum

      I still have to traverse the Coronawasteland to work at the office. Part of me wants a temporary stay at home order so I can work from home. Then I’d be able to look at all the nsfw (including but not limited to Q’s t&a links, which I am sure break up the day nicely) stuff I want so long as it is on my home desktop and not the remote desktop I’d have to log into in order to work from home. That and I wouldn’t have to hear/see some of the annoying people in the office.

    • Gustave Lytton

      There’s tape over the camera on my work laptop and has been for a while. Well, actually a cut piece of post it so it’s restickable, blacked out with a marker to match the laptop bezel. No one notices it’s covered.

      My MacBook, which I’m not using as much, doesn’t because it uses the camera to determine ambience lighting for screen brightness.

  14. Nephilium

    Well guys, we are the 5%.

    • RAHeinlein

      Perhaps the poll included the qualifier – versus Cordray?

    • leon

      right, as the world goes, is only in question between equals in power, while the strong 95% do what they can and the weak 5% suffer what they must.”

    • Gender Traitor

      Researchers at Baldwin Wallace University, Ohio Northern University and Oakland University near Detroit

      I wonder where these august institutions fall along the “spectrum” – the one with Oberlin at one end and Hillsdale at the other.

      • invisible finger

        There’s a reason research from Harvard gets quoted more than research from MIT.

      • Nephilium

        BW is right down the road from me (as a matter of fact I bike through their campus all the time). It’s well known for it’s education program.

    • Tres Cool

      N = 1,025

      Meh.

      DeWine is loving this, tho.

    • UnCivilServant

      You mean that’s not a toilet paper vendor?

    • Donation Not Taxation

      Obamaoids give credit to Obama for economy as it was when US went into shutdown. Obama and Congress approved more than $1,500,000,000 ‘dumping’ to solve economy. Same playbook?

      Spanish flu pandemic was 15 months circa 1918. Afterwards, had ‘Roaring’ 1920s. Not doing same thing as then to get a Roaring 2020s.

  15. bacon-magic

    Good read.

    • Mojeaux

      Thanks!

  16. ron73440

    Mo, Really enjoying the story so far!

    Did not see the General working with the demon coming.

    Is it under duress? Is he evil?

    Find out next week?

    Seriously, I like it.

    • Mojeaux

      Thank you!!!

      I almost gave you a clue, but erased it. Heh.

  17. KSuellington

    I’m working again today at the hospital. They’re putting up a new CCP virus ward for the influx of patients they expect. At least I have work, this is gonna keep the cash flow coming in.

    In other news it looks like the Imperial College prediction numbers (that helped give the politicos reason for these shutdowns) are getting vastly downgraded. Surprise to all here I am sure.

    https://www.powerlineblog.com/archives/2020/03/forecast-of-british-coronavirus-deaths-revised-um-downward.php

    • Gustave Lytton

      Watch out for the drugs falling out of your fourth point of contact.

    • Drake

      Woops… nevermind, you can go back to the pubs…

    • KSuellington

      Heh, heh. I have to remember to keep those drugs securely in my ass.

      Maybe I’m being too optimistic, but I wonder when this is all done and the predictions of utter doom don’t come true if more people might begin to suspect the whole global warming apocalyptic scenarios are bullshit as well? How many times can they scream wolf!!!!! before people wake up?

      • Raven Nation


        “Briefly stated, the Gell-Mann Amnesia effect is as follows. You open the newspaper to an article on some subject you know well. In Murray’s case, physics. In mine, show business. You read the article and see the journalist has absolutely no understanding of either the facts or the issues. Often, the article is so wrong it actually presents the story backward—reversing cause and effect. I call these the “wet streets cause rain” stories. Paper’s full of them.

        In any case, you read with exasperation or amusement the multiple errors in a story, and then turn the page to national or international affairs, and read as if the rest of the newspaper was somehow more accurate about Palestine than the baloney you just read. You turn the page, and forget what you know.

        That is the Gell-Mann Amnesia effect. I’d point out it does not operate in other arenas of life. In ordinary life, if somebody consistently exaggerates or lies to you, you soon discount everything they say. In court, there is the legal doctrine of falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus, which means untruthful in one part, untruthful in all. But when it comes to the media, we believe against evidence that it is probably worth our time to read other parts of the paper. When, in fact, it almost certainly isn’t. The only possible explanation for our behavior is amnesia.”

        ― Michael Crichton

  18. Ozymandias

    Look at you, Miss Mojeaux. Links one night and stories the next day!
    Very fun read. After this twist, I’m downright anxious to see where it goes. Thank ye!

    • Mojeaux

      Thank you! I’m kinda anxious to find out where it goes too!

  19. Fourscore

    Things looked pretty much the same today as yesterday other than there was a MHPatrol in town, monitoring the only business in town that’s closed. Actually he was probably keeping tabs on the doughnut supplier to the convenience store. Coffee and a glazed doughnut, what’s not to like.

    I’ll go tomorrow and check again.

    • pistoffnick

      What closed? The coffee shop?

      • Fourscore

        No, the chicken shack but it was only open ’til 2 PM anyway. Log is still selling package stuff but nothing over the bar, unless it’s back door action. New coffee shop has been closed since about hunting season, I think, gonna be a tough business anyway.

  20. Donation Not Taxation

    Invited to a meeting. Unspecified number of other attendees. Told will be capped at ten. Told temperatures will be taken by non-contact. Where the meeting is, if the cap is reached, do not see how ten people will be kept two to three metres apart. Advice?

    • invisible finger

      Cough when you get in.

    • Ozymandias

      Advice?

      1- Wear a kilt to the meeting and ask that your temp be taken “the old fashioned way.”
      2- Show up in Darth Vader costume, complete with the heavy breathing sound, and never say anything: Just let the deep breathing soundtrack play. If anyone starts to speak to you, point at them and then make the gesture where the guy starts to choke. (If you have something that will let you play particular catchphrases, that is allowed, as long as it includes “I find your lack of faith…disturbing.”
      3 – Show up as you normally would, but bring a Magic 8 Ball. Any time anyone addresses you, shake the Magic * Ball vigorously and then stare at it before answering. (The less relationship there is between what the 8 Ball could possibly offer and your reply, the better.)

      That should be a decent start, DNT, although I’m sure other commenters here can offer better.

      • Donation Not Taxation

        ‘I’m sure other commenters here can offer better.’
        So far, you are in the top four.

    • Tres Cool

      Walk in like a crab, and greet everyone with “balls up, kingfish!”

      • Donation Not Taxation

        Now wondering … Was Tres Cool doing that pre-Wuhan fever?

    • R C Dean

      Told temperatures will be taken by non-contact.

      Ask if the thermometer has been calibrated, and if not (which is very highly likely) ask them why they are wasting everyone’s time with quarantine theater.

      If it has been, tell them you aren’t going in until you see the calibration results.

      • Tres Cool

        NIST-traceable or miss me with that junk science

      • Nephilium

        /produces certificate with his ThermaPen

        Like this?

        Of course, I don’t think it’ll be very sanitary after stabbing it into a couple of people.

      • Sensei

        Calibration ain’t cheap!

        You can add 50% or more to the price of a new DVM (digital volt meter) if it comes with a certificate.

      • Tres Cool

        Don’t get me started on ‘intrinsically safe’. Generally its the same product, at 4X the cost, with an added label.

      • Sensei

        To be fair you have to pay for all the record keeping, insurance and defense costs when somebody does something stupid with it and blames the instrument.

        I’m guilty of having let the smoke out of my DVM…

      • Tres Cool

        +1 smoke-test

      • Gustave Lytton

        Yep, and then there’s the recalibration interval.

        Our test equipment doesn’t require documented calibration for use, but it still pissed me off that stuff getting repaired would come back with ‘calibration not requested’ on the tags. I mean, cmon, as long is it’s getting sent in, have them calibrate it while it’s there and to validate the repair.

    • Pine_Tree

      Hand out the adhesive thermometer strips and tell everybody they have to wear one on their forehead the whole time.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Groom your arm hair with your tongue and then use it to slick back your hairline your as you enter the room.

    • Donation Not Taxation

      Thanks to all who replied for your interest.

  21. Animal

    Sorry to go off-topic – but our daughter’s Kung Flu test came back negative. Whatever she has, it ain’t that.

    Thanks for the thoughts, good wishes and so on, one and all. Means a lot.

      • Animal

        She tested negative for that, too. Who knows?

      • Gender Traitor

        Whatever it is, I hope it’s mild and of short duration,

      • Tres Cool

        pregna…..oh, never mind

      • Gustave Lytton

        Catch all ILI.

    • RAHeinlein

      Happy for some good news, and I’m sure a relief for your family. Best wishes!

    • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

      “Exxxxxxxcellent, Smithers!”

      Now she can take the chicken soup.

    • Donation Not Taxation

      Glad to be of comfort.

    • Tundra

      Good to hear.

    • westernsloper

      Good news.

    • UnCivilServant

      It is flat – from a certain axis.

      • BakedPenguin

        Tip it 90&#deg; right, and it’s going down!

      • BakedPenguin

        Eh, fuck. “Tip it ° right, and the debt is going down!

        Like my HTML skills.

      • BakedPenguin

        Okay, I’ll be leaving now.

  22. Suthenboy

    I told this before but worth retelling: My father called. I answered with “hello”. He just said “No one is laughing at the preppers now, are they?”

    You know who else isn’t being laughed at? The zombie apocalypse crowd.

    Sword and pistol by my side. Seriously.

    • Ozymandias

      Re: “preppers”

      Among the many other “unseen” side-effects of this, I suspect that Americans all just got a sense that shit can go sideways in a hurry; and that preparing for those eventualities does NOT make one crazy.

      • R C Dean

        We’ve been building our stockpiles as a defensive measure against the panic, as well. The virus hasn’t done shit; its the hysterical reaction to it that is the problem. But still, that’s the reality. We’re at about a month of food right now, with the only real shortage being eggs.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Dates on the eggs are far enough out that we’re set. Milk is our Achilles heal. Overall, this has just accelerated the preparation that we were already doing/planning to do. Same with house projects. Stocked up on a number of stuff inside and out so I don’t have to go out less than I already do or if the stores get shut down.

        My food/dry goods concern is just keeping things topped up so if get stuck with an actual quarantine, we’ll be fine.

      • Mojeaux

        Evaporated milk is your friend.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Thanks Moj! That’s a good idea.

        Grew up on powered milk… I’ll pass on that.

      • Raven Nation

        My mum was part of that cadre of parents: powdered milk, margarine, cook meat until it’s dead, dead, dead.

        The last 10 years or so have been an ongoing learning curve about a lot of food and cooking processes that I thought I didn’t like and turns out I do.

      • Chipwooder

        Or shelf-stable milk.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        FYI, you can use butter instead of milk for scrambled eggs.

      • Mojeaux

        I do not use anything for my scrambled eggs. Whip them enough and whisk while pouring into the pan and you’ll get super-fluffy eggs. Also, take it off the heat just before it’s done and let them finish cooking on their own.

      • Rebel Scum

        Dates on the eggs

        Are “best by”. They don’t expire for quite awhile beyond said date. To test it put water in a cup/bowl with enough to cover the egg. if it lies flat it is good. If it stands on end it is getting close. If it floats it is bad.

      • westernsloper

        ^ Witch!

      • Rebel Scum

        with the only real shortage being eggs.

        Same. and that sucks because I like to make egg bowls to have for breakfast.

      • Tundra

        Not sure if it’s an option for you, but we get ours from a local farmer. No rationing so far.

      • Rebel Scum

        Nah. But I started buying extra once the panic was apparent. I have a few packs of 18 to last for a bit.

      • Suthenboy

        I didn’t have to do much. I stay kinda sorta prepared for ice storms and hurricanes so…2 months worth of food and propane plus ….other stuff.
        I think a lot of people got caught with their pants down.

      • Nephilium

        Hell. There will be good money to be made by doing DR/BC consulting after this blows over. Lots of people got to test their plans, and found they were lacking for certain items. Headsets being the most entertaining one to me.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Some sort of anti-lean/JIT consulting… call it supply chain resiliency.

    • Tundra

      Did something change today? My brother said the grocery by him was almost fully restocked.

      • Fatty Bolger

        There’s only so much stuff you can buy, and also I’m betting that people are starting to realize they may need the money for things other than 1000 rolls of toilet paper.

      • R C Dean

        A lot of people are out of work or at least furloughed/reduced hours. Maybe they’re waking up and realizing that cash is going to get really tight? And the olds are looking at the wreckage of their retirement investments, and probably starting to think the same thing?

    • Sean

      *Looks at commie crates of full spam cans*

      I’m not worried.

  23. westernsloper

    Never go into the bowels of the Temple! It’s a setup!

    • Mojeaux

      Or…it could be your salvation. 😉

      • Nephilium

        Salvation you say?

  24. Mojeaux

    I’mma Brooks this because it deserves it.

    @RC Dean

    The virus hasn’t done shit; its the hysterical reaction to it that is the problem.

    During The Great Mojo Panic of 2008, non-government randos coming for your stuff if they knew you had it was a tertiary concern. Yes, A concern, but not one that anyone figured would be a primary one.

    The scenarios all depended on the government going all Waco on everybody, the plague, the grid going out, weather.

    Nowhere, ever, did I see someone posit that an apocalypse could be from a game of telephone panicking everyone and his brother to rush the stores and stockpile toilet paper.

    • R C Dean

      People be crazy, yo.

      Mrs. Dean asked last night, “This didn’t come out of nowhere. This is like some kind of psychological pressure release. But what pressure? The economy was great, nothing bad was really going on.”

      I didn’t have an answer, but I think she is on to something.

      • Mojeaux

        I do NOT believe this was a setup/false flag/whatever.

        I DO believe this was a bioweapon accidentally released by the Chinese, either to gas their own people or everybody else in the world or both.

        The RESPONSE was an untapped powder keg. The lefties, proggies, SJWs, identity politics versus everybody who doesn’t agree with them and the Trumptards, weird shit was bound to happen. No, they didn’t go to war against each other, physical or otherwise, but people sorted themselves into “Oh, good, this is going to further our authoritarian agenda” and “Oh, shit. I don’t have enough ammunition for the authoritarians.”

        Now…we wait.

      • R C Dean

        I DO believe this was a bioweapon accidentally released by the Chinese

        I have not ruled that out. I vaguely recall an article pointing out that the species of bat and pangolin that this thing supposedly passed through to gain its current form don’t really share a range. I guess it could have happened at the wet market, when they were bought together, but that seems much more unlikely than this thing arising “in the wild” because there just aren’t that many critters at the market.

        Who knows. That viral research lab literally within sight of the wet market just seems an awful coincidence. I think it probably originated there, but whether it was from legit research or bioweapons development, I have no idea.

      • Drake

        Yep – I think it came from their lab. Either incompetence – somebody walked out there infected. Or stupid mischief – somebody sold an infected lab animal at the market rather than throwing it in the incinerator.

      • Mojeaux

        My bet is incompetence.

      • Raven Nation

        Heinlein nods in approval.

      • R C Dean

        There is some history of Chinese lab workers selling lab specimens for food.

      • Ozymandias

        I think a big part of that is the pending election.

        1 – Team D thought that COVID was “TOTALLY GOING TO BE THE THING THAT GETS TRUMP THIS TIME (AND THOSE KIDS AND THEIR DOG, TOO!!)” They went all-in and so did/have their supporters.
        2 – Team Red was split between “Oh, Noes! This could be bad for our guy!!” and “I fucking KNEW IT!!!” Either way, there was concern.
        3 – There is no measurement in our current politics or media for people who simply stayed calm and continued as best they could.

    • Nephilium

      Very few DR plans were ready for mass quarantines as well.

    • Ozymandias

      I think the panic buying is fascinating on an number of levels. Consider: we (as a country) have so much consumer purchasing-power that panic-buying can produce near-term shortages of a variety of goods. I’ve been watching the grocery stores all around me during this (on the western outskirts of Phoenix) and it’s amazing watching how people can gobble up far in excess of what ALL of the stores in this area can stock, shelve, supply, and re-supply. It’s not surprising to those of us who appreciate the incredible standard of living that the US enjoys compared to the rest of the world – i.e. the miracle of free-markets (or, at least, the “somewhat” free-markets that we have, as compared to what most of the rest of the idiotry are doing).

      • Mojeaux

        amazing watching how many people can gobble up far in excess of what ALL of the stores in this area can stock

      • Sensei

        Not only that, but most have the space to stockpile.

        I have a small home compared to most of the country, but when my Japanese friends always are amazed at how big both my small home and small parcel of land is.

      • Ozymandias

        We live in the Age of Plenty.
        Plenty of food, plenty of water, plenty of salt, plenty of shelter, plenty of information, plenty of music, plenty of every fucking thing a human being could possibly ever need and want, and yet the bitching and moaning never. fucking. stops.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Lack of meaning or purpose in life?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Yes! Good luck telling the average 23 wards resident that they should stay home and go shopping no more than once a week or less.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Could be another reason why NYC’s getting hammered. People have to go out to get things as there’s no room in their apartments to store mass quantities.

      • R C Dean

        I think SugarFree explained it yesterday.

      • Sensei

        Lots of people. Large Chinese community in Queens with people coming to visit for Lunar New Year or returning from China after the New Year.

      • Fatty Bolger

        The free market miracle is in how quickly those stores have been restocked, day after day, with no prior planning for this event.

      • Ozymandias

        I said as much to my wife a few days into the nonsense when I noticed the shelves were restocked of staples, like milk and eggs. I came home and told her how reassuring it was to my libertarian soul. Once we got past the panic-purchasing, I told her that the signals would bubble up to the manufacturers and suppliers and the “new” orders would be fulfilled – as long as someone or something didn’t do something stupid to interfere in that process. My biggest concern was when governors and other statist assholes started screaming about how we needed govt to start nationalizing shit. THAT concerned me more than anything else.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yes, when we start nationalizing is when I start to panic.

      • Mojeaux

        Evergreen opinion: There should be a Walmart General Hospital and Clinics.

        I don’t mean minute clinics and pharmacies.

        I mean full-blown hospitals and full-service clinics.

      • R C Dean

        Walmart is wisely uninterested in both

        (a) the service sector, and

        (b) low-margin businesses like hospitals.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Retail isn’t low margin?

      • R C Dean

        By low margin, I mean 2- 4% operating margins.

        Hospitals are also stupidly capital-intensive – rough number is $1MM+ per bed to build and (partially) equip.

      • Mojeaux

        Grocery is 2%-3%.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Walmart doesn’t any part of emergency rooms and with very good reason.

      • Drake

        There are lab patient service centers in some Walmarts and big pharmacies. I think CVS is working towards your vision. Their new stores are way oversized – with lots of space for other services. They already own Aetna, and a clinic business. I’d be surprised if they don’t start buying small labs.

      • Donation Not Taxation

        What about role of price control laws once Wuhan fever declared an emergency?

  25. Gender Traitor

    Pardon me for getting distracted by the OT stuff, Moje. Thanks for the pleasant diversion! My only minor quibble:

    My only redeeming characteristics were my beauty and my affinity for animals, and I couldn’t take any credit for either of those. I was Elly May Clampett and as annoyingly popular—only without the blissfully ignorant part.

    In short, I was entirely useless as a human being.

    I would argue that in this culture (most cultures?) a girl/woman being considered beautiful makes her by definition NOT considered “useless.” In other words, you don’t have to be functional if you’re ornamental. (Disclaimer: Speaking as a general cultural observation, not to the individual tastes of present company. And it goes for both guys and girls to a great extent.) I’m trying to imagine what in her backstory would make her think of herself as useless if she got positive attention for her beauty.

    /::steps off soapbox::

    • westernsloper

      No instagram account?

    • Mojeaux

      you don’t have to be functional if you’re ornamental.

      We’re getting there, sheeeeeesh!

      • westernsloper

        Stripper poles in the bowels of the Temple?

      • Gender Traitor

        I never promised to be patient. ; )

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        I always wanted to be rich enough to get an ornamental woman.

        TIWTANLW

      • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

        Well, there’s a lot of truth to the statement that men see women as sex objects and women see men as success objects.

      • Gender Traitor

        I always wanted to be ornamental enough to get a rich man. ; )