“We don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.”
In the previous and initial submission of this series, we covered some beginning theory: the major scale and its application in major and minor chord construction. Some Glibs commented with expressions of frustration with wanting to play guitar but lacking in natural ability. In my humble experience, some of such frustration may be due to an aspirant’s lack of knowing how to practice in such a way as to more quickly get to where they want to be. Hopefully this article will address that issue. So let’s cut the Gordian Knot.
If you can’t play it slow, you can’t play it fast.
If your “practice” has so far consisted of looking at a chord chart and trying to play along with a recorded song just as it is on the god-forbid-it’s-2020-CD or iTunes or YouTube or Spotify or whatever, let’s correct that first. I’m going to assume you’re starting with strumming open* chords to your favorite tunes – as do most peeps – for this article, but the following techniques apply to any level of playing – barre chords, solos, riffs, lines, melodies… For now, let’s play chords on an easy song, Knocking on Heaven’s Door, and dive straight in, addressing problems as they arise.
Links to the song and a decent chart. Fortunately, our lives are easy on this one, for the chart and song are in the same key, and the chart looks like it’s correct (this is not always the case).
The Steps
- Listen to the recording of the song. Get a feel for it. Hopefully you already know it well enough to sing along, to tap out its rhythm. As a beginning guitarist, simple and familiar songs are what you should learn first.
- Guitar in hand and chart in sight, play along. But damn it all, you can’t make those chord changes fast enough and you’re not strumming in time. No worries…
- Bust out your metronome and tap out the tempo, the beats per minute. The hell you say? No metronome?! Stop the tape!!!
- (To Be Continued.)
The Metronome is Your New Best Friend
Seriously. If you want to be good, you will get a metronome. I don’t know any professional musicians who don’t practice with them. I’ve known some wannabes who claim to have a metronome in their head. Whatevs. They never do. There are few things more annoying than playing with someone who can’t keep a beat – and usually don’t even realize it – because they don’t practice with a metronome. There are myriad apps to put on your phone, some are free. Get one with a tap function; that’s important and I’ll explain in a bit. Below are an example of a phone app and an image of the “real” one that I use.
The tap function allows you to use a finger to tap along with the song. The display will show you the beats per minute, shown above as 71 in the app and 120 on the Boss. I’ve just tapped out the linked Knocking on Heaven’s Door and it’s around 70 bpm. But, we know we can’t play that fast. Well, your metronome will not only allow you to tap the bpm, you can also manually set it to whatever you want. How much slower we set it will depend on how well you kept up with the recorded song. My rule of thumb is to initially drop it down by 20% or so, so maybe we try 55 and see how that works. And maybe now’s a good time to modify The Steps.
The Steps (Revisited)
1. Listen to the song and get a feel for it.
2. Using your chart, try to play along. If you can’t, go to Step 3.
3. On Your New Best Friend, aka your metronome, tap out the song’s bpm.
4. Manually set the bpm to a slower speed.
5. Now try to play along to the metronome only.
6. Repeat steps 4&5 until you find a speed at which you can play along to the metronome.
Make sense? “But, but,” you say, “There’s this trouble spot I always mess up on, no matter how slowly my bestie clicks.” I hear ya. For such speed bumps we might need to bail on the recording and the metronome and work on just that problem area, which very well might be the whole song, and that’s ok. Work on it in this loose fashion until you feel you’re ready to try the metronome again at a slow speed. Let’s move on…
7. Play along to the metronome at this slower speed until you can do so without messing up most of the time.
8. Increase the bpm by 2 or 3 and play at that speed until you’ve got it down.
9. Repeat step 8 until you’re playing at the recording speed, 70 in this case.
10. Now try to play along with the recorded song. If you start stumbling again, “go to 11.”
“How come I can play with the metronome at 70, but when I play with the recording I start messing up again?” Because now you’re hearing the vocals, the other instruments, and all of their random (maybe intentional) rhythm variations are throwing you off.
11. Turn off the recording and go back to your metronome. Increase the bpm by 2 or 3 above the recording’s until you’re playing comfortably.
12. Repeat step 11 until you’re playing ridiculously – for the song – fast or until you’ve reached your current limitations.
13. Now go back and try to play along with the recording. It should be much easier.
For every song I play live, I always practice at 105% of the recording’s bpm. This extra speed gives me the headroom, when playing live at the normal tempo, to respond to the dynamics of the band, the stress of playing live, and the off (sometimes likely) chance that the drummer gets excited and increases the tempo in the middle of the song. Even if you’re not playing in a band, you’ll find practicing faster than needed to be beneficial.
For a solo or a difficult riff, I practice just that part gradually faster and faster, always with the metronome, until my fingers or the guitar physically can’t keep up. Then when I’m practicing the whole song that includes the solo or riff, I’ll drop back down to 105% of the recorded bpm.
Practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.
Just thought I’d throw that in there. Think about it.
So, how about you try a couple of other simple songs, but that have more difficult chords in them? Use these to learn how to work out trouble spots, while the rest of the song is relatively much easier.
Nights in White Satin
Song. Chart. It’s the F chord that’ll throw you. (And it’s in 6/8 time. I’ll leave you to it to figure out how to get your metronome to deal with that time signature. Hint: you could tap the 1&4 beats and not change from the 4/4 time signature.) I’d use the F chord voicing on the left below to match the recording, but the one on the right will pass if it’s easier for you, and it will add a little color. Follow the steps. You got this!
Black Velvet
Now we’re pushing it, but I want to introduce you to a new thang. In the recording this song is played with the guitar tuned down a half step, meaning the strings are tuned to Eb, Ab, Db, Gb, Bb & Eb. But you don’t have to do that! Download an app onto your phone called Amazing Slow Downer. Import Black Velvet into your phone’s songs, then select it in your new app. There’s a slide bar called Pitch that adjusts in half steps (called semitones in the app). Move the slider up to 1.00 and it’ll modulate the song so that you can play along with your guitar remaining in standard EADGBE tuning. Trust me. The app screen should look like this…
And see the Speed slider? Slide that up or down to change the song’s bpm without changing its pitch. Now you can play along with the song at any speed. Your bestie will be jealous, but welcome to 2020! (You’ll still need the metronome for lots of things and for ease of use.) And rather than use your metronome to play an isolated trouble spot, try the loop function of the app.
Black Velvet chart. Ignore the sus4 on all chords that have it, and just play the root’s major chord (e.g. play B instead of Bsus4) and it’ll work just fine (I know I said otherwise in the previous article, but, yeah.). Likewise you can ignore the 7 extensions. Play the F voicing as I’ve got it on the left above. The tricky chord in this one is the B, as it’s easiest played as a barre chord. If the high F# note doesn’t ring out cuz your fret hand ring finger is muting it, fuhgeddaboudit, that’s actually normal. The B barre chord…
Now get to practicing. Follow The Steps. And know that there are lots of apps and software for desktops that are metronomes and “slow downers”. I mostly use an app on my Mac called iRehearse 2. And if you need to grab sound-only mp3 files from YouTube videos there are apps for that, like YouTube to MP3. But no tech is gonna substitute for putting the time in practicing
*Open Chords will be defined in the next theory article.
I’ve got no rhythm. I can’t play music at any speed.
Same. And I’m pretty much tone death.
I would not be surprised to find out I am as well.
https://youtu.be/XgAHPaiR-6A
Not only ain’t I got no rhythm, I got no ear either.
Can’t play, can’t sing, can’t dance. Luckily I still got my looks.
Why is everyone laughing?
Pope Jimbo – “Little Kicks” A Free-Form Jazz Compilation.
Smirking is not laughing. Admittedly you still have your looks, still turns the girls’ head too, I’ll bet.
Every gal. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
Of course, they are turning away from me, but that still counts as being a “head turner”
Excellent, Plisade!
You are demolishing all my excuses, brother!
Thanks so much for putting this together.
My pleasure. I’m glad you’re finding these useful 🙂
Timing or what. I just put Van Halen on and sat thinking how ashamed I am at my guitar (lack of) abilities. These posts have inspired me to practise some.
I’ve accepted that I’m not going to be able to put in the hours needed to git gud, so the post inspired me to listen to music instead.
Most Van Halen is strutful bullshit but “Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love” is a great tune.
Even these xers can’t fuck it up – https://youtu.be/53DAU_6z7Rc
These xers fucked it up royally.
Yeah, but you’re Canadian, so your opinion counts less than most here. I should know; as a British person, my opinions don’t count at all. In fact, they count in the negative, which actually gives weight to opposing or differing opinions. As such, I try not to have opinions. I slipped up this morning saying that Will Clark had a nicer swing than Ken Griffey Nintendo Jr, so now the mechanics of Griffey Jr’s swing have gained esteem as a result of that. I don’t want to make the same mistake with Eddie Van Halen.
Fun semi-related fact: I have an old Roland TD-5 electronic drum module. The built-in metronome sounds like Yoko Ono counting to four.
She is no friend of mine.
No guitars allowed in quarantine
No “Stairway”!
Denied https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RD1KqbDdmuE
…Denied?
Aw, raspberries.
Practice
So you’re saying anyone can do it…?
Nice write up.
I am. “That ain’t working,” after all. Thanks.
*SQUAWK*
bzzzzzt wrong.
when I play with the recording I start messing up
Beginners don’t know that no one’s perfect; everyone will trip occassionally. It’s not part of your lesson, but it’s good to know earlier: nothing is better than wrong. No matter how good you get, if you trip, let it go. The wrong pitch and the right note off time are killers; listeners can’t recover from dissonance. If the drums and bass are doing a solid job, no one is going to miss two beats without guitar.
Mr. GT’s (guitar player) favorite words of wisdom: “If you hit a clam so bad you can’t cover it up, frown at the bass player. He’s already frowning wondering why he only has four strings.”
The bass player – https://youtu.be/Sx7eqdkwxEw
Kill the base player, kill the sax player
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcqkTOVbdPw
Gahhh! should be sex player
Ah, the sick burns of the music world. My favourite from choral singing was “A semi-tone is a musical interval defined as two tenors trying to sing the same note.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=384OE6smVZ8
Yes, it’s always better to keep time than play the wrong note. Look at jazz.
The hard part of being a drummer . . . . almost all your mistakes are off time and they are apparent to everyone.
/at least I’m not the bass player
Eh, it’s not like the audience can actually hear us. No one pays attention to the bass.
Orchestra joke: what do you do with a player that can’t keep time?
Give him two sticks and hide him in the back.
What do you do if he still can’t keep time?
Take away one of the sticks and put him up front.
Clearly you have not been around a bunch of squeeing fangirls. After the lead singer, who’s the heartthrob because he’s out there in front, it’s ALWAYS the bass player.
I’m good enough to amuse myself, I’ve never entertained the thought of being in a band. No fangirls for me.
“My Mom says I’m cool!”
My daughter was a bass player. She always tried to brush off the attention that got her, didn’t want to admit how attractive chicks’ being in bands is.
Being typecast as “typical” can be bothersome. “Oh, another chick bassist. Yawn.”
My daughter started bass this year. She’s only 10 so I don’t have to worry for a few more years, but the boys are going to be a handful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4LObO91WTA
Depends upon the hair and the size of the cucumber.
What’d you say? I can’t hear you.
Dude looks like a lady.
Had to add- https://youtu.be/dffFZom1Mac
Joke? Half of that hot jazz was freelance noodling.
It is a joke. I play with a jazz comp major. He’s a phenomenal improviser.
*backs away and exits quietly*
I saw an EADGBE license plate once. ‘S all I got.
Now living around Nashville, TN
Wasn’t there some other Glib living in the BNA? I’m guessing it’s a small club.
MEM and BNA are at war most of the time. I don’t think we’re allowed to be friends since Mr Sam sold Elvis to RCA. But I sneak into Gruhn’s because: Gruhn’s.
I’m still struggling with nerve damage and awaiting next steps in diagnosis and treatment. On good days my signature and lettering are suitably snappy, but my pinky is crap. I can swing a golf club, but 85 is probably the best I’ll be able to shoot this summer as it stands.
Three-finger chords aren’t enough for me; the D-18 will stay in its case until I can augment and diminish to suit myself, to say nothing of single-note lines that just can’t be pulled off with just three fingers. Of course, Django Reinhardt kicked ass even though he lost the use of two fingers in a childhood accident.
Big fan of Django.
IB McGinty lives in the area.
Ever considered playing slide with open tuning? One finger.
slide
maaaaaaaaaaaaaybe?
Thanks for a thoughtful reply. I do have a canoe paddle (Yamaha) around here somewhere that I could jack up for slide. I’ll monkey around with some open D and get back to you.
Sure thing. And my apologies if you already know these things, but…
A heavier gauge set of strings helps with slide.
And it’ll help to memorize the relative minors (dominant 7s) in open major tuning to play the minor chords in a song. Like if the song calls for a Dm, you can play the F major triad instead.
Your last three points could apply to almost anything.
Wifey remarked today about how the media and the government are treating us now. We’re not merely pawns, we’re “sub-pawns”. She’s a pretty sharp chick, my Judi.
This is big. She’s usually a cry-baby neo-con with socialist leanings. Hates abortion but loves the welfare state.
Then slow down part can be hard sometimes, but it help so much. I recently decided to start learning some things in Open G. Of course, it’s mostly the Stones, since a lions share Keith’s songs are in open G. It took a while, but I finally got Honky Tonk Women down, but it did take a lot of slowing it way down until my muscle memory could mesh with what needed done. It was almost like relearning the guitar from scratch.
LOL I thought the “real metronome” was going to be something like this. Get off my lawn!
That is a real metronome, I’m not sure what that impostor Plisade is using is supposed to be.
The Nick Gillespie of metronomes?
Illuminati confirmed
Shh…
Ha! I used to have one of those. It was black. My kids took music lessons and used it, hated it. They named it Darth Vader.
That is the metronome I had. I dropped it once. It never kept the right time after that. It was always 1/4 beat syncopated.
At the risk of sounding problematic, often times white folks and syncopation don’t mix.
See my comment below.
I can play, sing, AND dance.
I can dance too! Just not very well.
Generally speaking, Mormons dance. BYU has all sorts of dance classes and a dance major, I think.
What’s the minimum dancing distance between partners?
Why don’t baptists have sex standing up?
it may lead to dancing.
Slow dance? A set of scriptures.
Ballroom is fair game for touching everywhere as long as it looks right.
Dad joke or not, it will never not be funny to me.
“Leave room for Jesus” was the standard for distance apart when dancing according to my daughter’s best friend
A NOLA musician, when asked what makes New Orleans such a musical place, replied – “We syncopated, baby.“
It’s like there’s an appropriate bee article for every Glibs comment.
Maybe
Hahaha. What are the bets on NJ following suit (unless they did already)?
Who knows, NJ is weird.
When I was filling up my rental car in NJ on the way back to the airport, I forgot about their weird laws. I started pumping and an employee came up and asked if I needed help. I thought it odd, and said, “Nope, I am good.” After I finished, I remembered.
I dont know if I broke the law or not.
This was in January.
So, music.
I took piano lessons growing up. Pretty sure my family was sick of hearing “Clair de Lune” and “Stepping Out.”
I was pretty good. I didn’t hate it, but I never learned to love it. I loved my art classes late in high school. If I’d known what I really wanted when I was younger, I’d have asked for art lessons instead. Can’t guarantee I would’ve gotten them. Mom is a pianist. Mom went to BYU. Therefore, that was what I was going to do and I did.
Played clarinet for a while because the music teacher at school needed a clarinet player for the band and asked my mom if I would do it because I could read music. So, sure, why not. My sinuses rattle in my head. I never knew that wasn’t normal.
I fantasized about being a jazz pianist and also saxophonist. I thought it would be cool to be a bass player, but I could never really work up the enthusiasm needed to learn.
I still have no desire to pick it back up again on any instrument, so I sorta kinda a little bitty bit envy your passion for it but even though I have talent and some skill, I don’t want to use it.
Having a talent and skill for something you don’t like is just plain weird.
Believe it or not, the guitar theory articles also apply to piano, IF you don’t want to play classically, sight-reading standard notation. Playing with the right hand only on keys in a rock ensemble is very similar to guitar.
Maybe it’s my redneck pentatonic mindset, but, for me, there are guitar tunes and there are piano tunes.
I can improvise and try to keep up, and I can certain play little accents and fills and such, but a piano tune is a piano tune. I can play along with any rock/guitar tune immediately, just hum a few bars, give me the old 1 4 5, and off I go. But other than contributed a few single note lines, there’s no way I can play “You’ve Got A Friend” unless it’s charted out for me.
Shorter me: I hate the key of F.
“Shorter me: I hate the key of F.”
Understood, because it is, um, relatively speaking, the “saddest of all keys.”
That one took me a minute, but bravo!
I really like ‘Claire de Lune’, but then I’m not a music teacher or a parent of a piano student. My music teacher friend tells me it’s somewhat taboo.
Wait, what? Why is it taboo?
Maybe that’s the wrong word – just a standard piece that they (teachers) are sick to death of because they hear it all the time?
Oh, like guitar stores forbidding the playing of “Stairway to Heaven.”
I was the only one of my cohort playing it. My mother would get mad at me and yell YOU’RE NOT PLAYING THAT RIGHT!
WTF? It’s right there, I’m hitting the right notes in the right rhythm.
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT BUT YOU’RE NOT PLAYING IT RIGHT!
*gnash teeth*
Some years later I heard it on the radio and went, “Ohhhhhhhh.”
Note to self: Once more, with FEELING.
Like in Wayne’s World – “Can’t you read?”
“No Stairway! Denied!”
Nice work Plisade, get em ready for some old Rush tunes!
+1 Spirit of the Radio
Spirit of Brooks. That was for Yusef.
I was thinking the entire Hemispheres Suite, that took a while to learn, but I can play it on Guitar and Bass
Nice!
The Izod Store wants me to know they have my safety in mind.
Thank God, I was afraid I wouldn’t get my polo/khaki fix.
Chad confirmed
He email is getting flooded. At least Chick-Fil-A wants me to be safe!
My not He. Have no idea how I mistyped that.
Tiny alien piloting a robc skinsuit confirmed
He was always a tiny alien in a human suit.
Don’t pick on him for it.
I didn’t know there was any doubt about that. I would have confirmed it long ago.
A bank I haven’t had an account with in 10 years has informed me over the COVID-19 plan.
*unsubscribe*
“Our original plan was to obtain the contagion and liberally coat every note. But that was proving to be too much trouble, so we installed misting nozzles in the lobby and ATMs. Get your Wuhan on us.”
So far, I’ve only gotten one of those from Navy Fed and Kroger. Might be that the others are going direct to the spam folder.
So far, I’ve only gotten 1 from a bank and 1 from a furniture store.
For me, only the gas company has sent any “how we’re handling the panic” notice, and it was via snail mail.
“We made sure our infected employees coughed into each envelope.”
Given the company, I wouldn’t put it past them. Effing state monopolies.
I bought all the ingredients, but I never made my pizza-like substance last night.
I guess I know what’s for dinner tonight.
I bet you forgot the anchovies, again, didn’t you?
Look, you can keep the anchovies. You can have all the little fishies you want. Just keep them off my food.
Would you try them in a pie?
Would you try them when you’re high?
Silly – anchovies don’t go with pineapple! Duh!
I’m starting to get all kinds of emails from construction industry groups about COVID-19.
Most of them are about how much money the lawyers are going to make when all the force majeure contract clauses start to kick in and the lawsuits start to fly.
Assume some of us are unclear on what exactly that means. Care to elaborate?
Act of God we-aren’t-going-to-cover-you-for-any-losses-you-sustain-because-of-a-pandemic-it’s-in-your-policy lawsuits.
Construction contracts are schedule driven these days with all kinds of penalties for late delivery.
Force majeure clauses provide an out for the contractor in Act of God situations.
But they’re also in subcontracts, and supplier contracts, etc… So it will become an endless tale of contract negotiation at all levels while it gets sorted out.
Some of the questions will be “Is it an Act of God if Pablo decides to sit at home and drink Coronas instead of hanging with fifty other guys on the jobsite?”
I see, thank you.
drink Coronas
*narrows eyes*
That was actually from the email and written by a lawyer.
Lionel Hutz quality lawyer, I imagine
“Liquidated Damages” has it’s own whole section in my toyota contracts.
I am so unknowledgeable about music it was like I stumbled into an ancient tomb with hieroglyphics. You guys (musicians, artists, writers, wood workers (take a bow I.G.) and all the other represented skills)) absolutely amaze me. I am proud to be a pack member but I’ll be sitting in the back. Thanks, Plisade, I really needed a dose of reality in these trying times.
As an aside, I was in a clinic today. No one was wearing a mask, the young cute lady doc and young cute associate fondled my hand without gloves. Declared me healthy enough to quit shamming and go back to the chain saw and work at my skill level.
Hey everyone, Betty White is doing fine amidst the coronavirus outbreak…
https://kdvr.com/news/betty-white-confirms-she-is-fine-amid-coronavirus-outbreak/
This is a big relief, considering no one anywhere was suggesting otherwise.
No word on how Lou Reed is holding up.
Lou Reed, same as always.
Went to get a haircut today. First, this is a barbershop not a stylist. 95%+ are adult males. There’s some dipshit soccer mom having her elementary girl’s hair being done. The one not being cut is dancing around the place and coughing up a lung. I walked out. I don’t need that crap in any form in what has been a relaxing place for the past twenty years. Leave your fucking germbreeder at home until they’re well, not bring them along like a smallpox blanket.
Ha!
Nothing like scaring up some Quail in your front yard, they fly about a foot off the ground,
While doing this,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__9jSLfpG34
Do you have a permit for that?
It’s in the Contract,
Okay sir, please proceed. Have a nice day.
/Tips Hat…
Quail is good eatin.
Yep
OT but I wanted to share info: we are in full-blown panic buying in Plano, TX. I’ve never seen the grocery store this busy or with this many empty shelves before, including before ice storms, expected tornadoes, etc.
And it’s happening *fast*. I walked into this Kroger 45 min ago and it was very busy but in a calm, bustling way. Now it’s mile-long lines and unpleasant murmuring.
Eh. Amazon delivery guys in full hazmat suits could be an interesting development. Since I haven’t been shopping in a while I have no idea what the supermarkets here are like, but I’ll take my chances.
I asked my wife if she needed needed anything at the grocery as we drove this morning. She said “No”.
/Unconcerned in Flyover Country
Wife and I usually shop on Fridays during lunch to get our perishables and the few staples we run out of because the Wal Mart isn’t busy then (they also never have solicitors during weekday lunch)
Today it was definitely busier than it would be on a normal Friday during lunch. It really more resembled a normal weekday evening actually.
Small town Iowa, about 10k population.
Paper products aisle was completely empty. We both burst out laughing at that.
Ramen gone
Rice all but gone (which sucks cause we actually are out)
Flour mostly gone
Pasta was about half cleaned out
Eggs had even been picked over pretty good
I didn’t go to where they keep sanitizer and stuff but I bet its empty.
Canned soups seemed to have been picked over more than usual
Apart from eggs, perishables were all there in abundant quantities.
I did see one couple that had loaded down two carts worth of stuff, but most people had typical grocery loads.
I just went to WalMart and everyone seemed calm, no shortages, except for Paper Towels, completely dry, But if CV gets to my little corner, a lot of people Gonna DIE! it’s Old Folk Central around here, and not a lot in the way of Hospitals
I need to grocery shopping tomorrow and am not looking forward to it. I just want to buy regular groceries without the craziness. We did end up getting more TP out of concern there would not be any in stock when it came time to replace, not because of the virus.
I mentioned to my wife yesterday that it couldn’t hurt to swing my Dollar General while she was out yesterday and get an extra container of hand sanitizer to keep in the car. I figured our bumfuck rural Dollar General in the middle of nowhere would be exempt from this insanity.
I was wrong. Before she could go inside the store, another woman leaped out of her, raced past my wife, and to wherever they keep hand sanitizer. This woman then proceeded to grab all of the bottles of hand sanitizer before moving on to clear out all of the hand soap. Unreal.
Update: swung by the Walmart neighborhood market. Not as crazy as Kroger, but no paper products.
I spoke with a stock guy scanning codes on all the empty shelves, and he said they received a full truckload of tp this morning- and it was gone within 10 min. None to be had anywhere. The stock guy said I won the lottery because I had a package of napkins that I found on a top shelf that had been overlooked due to height.
My wife went to Kroger last night and said the lines were ludicrous. Most of the registers were open yet the lines were still something like 20-deep at every one.
People are losing their damned minds.
Declared me healthy enough to quit shamming and go back to the chain saw and work at my skill level.
Get back to work, you malingerer!
Now they’ve gone too far!
My local Bottle King cancelled the tasting scheduled for today for Jameson Cold Brew and Black Barrel. Now I have no idea what to drink for the apocalypse.
Five more cases just popped locally. I expect there are a hundred behind that.
James City County? Someone down the hall was just saying that,
Yep
Don’t know which end of the county yet. I’m in York outside Williamsburg. If testing indicates a few dozen more in the next few days, I expect a mandatory quarantine order to be coming.
Northam just issued a mandatory closing order to all schools and Busch Gardens delayed opening by a few weeks. Things are moving fast now.
closing order to all schools across the state…
If that’s the case, then I imagine they’re gonna have to loosen the “you can’t work remotely because your kids are home” policy that the CoV has. Especially when, if what I suspect occurs, the school closing ends up being a month instead of 2 weeks.
Plisade – Just noticed your bio. I was a Marine Reservist on the East Coast called up for Desert Storm. Then went back to school in Los Angeles and served the rest of my contract with the Hollywood Marines.
Semper Fi, brother 🙂
Same to you – there’s a few of us here.
Navy Corpsman in VA during that period, but didn’t deploy.
God bless the Corpsmen!!!
If you weren’t Swinging with the Wing*, you weren’t a real Marine, but yeah, Semper Fi too.
*Double Salty Sea Dog points if it was with Marine Air Traffic Control (right Chipsy?)
TACP / FAC radio operator with the Infantry. Honorary Winger?
2841. Ended up a line tech in a tank unit. The only thing tankers swing are sledge hammers.
Tank battalion in the Gulf War? Which one?
3/5
…we were attached to 3/5. They divvied up the tank units.
MATC for lyfe, homie!
Hollywood…..pfffft
*PI Marine grunts, spits*
WM
PIMarineFixed that for you (Another Hollywood Marine)
Yeah yeah, I knew this place was overrun with you West Coast motherfuckers.
I’d take hills over those goddamned bugs any day. The hills don’t stay with you day and night but those damned sand flea and fire ant bites sure as hell do.
Washers and Dryers. Dude, you never had to stand out at the stupid laundry trough scrubbing your skivvies with a brush by hand.
This is true. I did have to press my cammies and polish my boots though, something that changed not long after I graduated when they switched to the digitals and the brown boots.
We’re they training you to be Starship Toopers to fight bugs?
I managed to do MCT in the swamps of Geiger in July and Mount Motherfucker at Pendleton. They both suck in their own unique and exquisite way.
My favorite part of boot camp was being out in the field. I didn’t mind tramping around Pendleton. Way better than the countless hours drilling on the grinder at the recruit depot.
First week at Parris Island – “Why does the DI smell like a chick?” and “What the fuck are these itchy lumps all over me?”
Kid from South Carolina – “Those are sand flee bites and chiggers crawling around under your skin – only thing that repels them is the Skin So Soft the DI is wearing.”
Dead thread now, so no one will read this, but…..I always appreciated the Corps’ keen sense of humor – they issued us bug spray so that the DIs could forbid us from using it.
After dinner, we would stand next to the marsh at attention so the sand flees go their chance to eat.
I was going to get supplies to make more Reuben sandwiches, but there were no carts. And now I can’t go back because there are too many people.
We are now working from home. I took the afternoon off and went grocery shopping. I wanted eggs, yeast, butter and coffee. No tp or paper towels. Good thing I don’t need them.
These work from home policies are genius. Every one knows that all the stores people are going to instead are immune to coronavirus.
We had a company St. Paddy’s day party in the parking lot next week get canceled. Instead they will be putting out food and refreshments in each location’s lunch rooms.
Not sure how letting people paw over food is a better idea
Still reduces contact, so. I’m going to watch the press conference at 3
I don’t recall – where are you located? Today was a mixed-bag at grocery stores – Whole Foods and H-Mart (Korean) were insane and shelves were lean for many items. Mariano’s was light but had stocked necessities.
NoVa
I got what I wanted and I wasn’t looking for tp or paper towels. Just nothing those were gone.
Noting not nothing
Music Theory joke:
So a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”
So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
Then D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “you’re looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development.” Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility.
The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
too much
I don’t get it.
*groan*
*groan groan groan*
*longsuffering sigh*
Phrasing?
No, it was just that much of a groaner of a joke.
There was no Basses to the joke, so I Cleft
Not you too!
*throws flip-flop*
*misses*
Missing with a flip flop is alto common. Clogs are better than softshoe when you need to beat out a measure.
Don’t be retarded.
Well that’s a sour note.
Oh! I must have struck a chord!
Oh! I must have struck a chord!
Way to harmonize!
Jeez………..
Wow!
How can you not vote for a man that puts that much effort into a terrible joke?
Posted yesterday but here’s some good news unless things have changed since then:
https://theconservativetreehouse.com/2020/03/12/amid-ongoing-fight-fisa-will-lapse-mcconnell-hopes-to-assemble-vote-next-week-but-trump-may-veto/
Looks like FISA has a good chance of lapsing or being heavily modified.
Let it die.
oh please
Senators Mike Lee (R), Rand Paul (R) and Ron Wyden (D) said they would object.
Thats my Senator!!! Could you imagine the good that could be done if Utah had two senators?
Um, wut?
That said, the president and his administration are responsible for grave, costly errors, most especially the epic manufacturing failures in diagnostic testing, the decision to test too few people, the delay in expanding testing to labs outside the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and problems in the supply chain. These mistakes have left us blind and badly behind the curve, and, for a few crucial weeks, they created a false sense of security. What we now know is that the coronavirus silently spread for several weeks, without us being aware of it and while we were doing nothing to stop it. Containment and mitigation efforts could have significantly slowed its spread at an early, critical point, but we frittered away that opportunity.
“They’ve simply lost time they can’t make up. You can’t get back six weeks of blindness,” Jeremy Konyndyk, who helped oversee the international response to Ebola during the Obama administration and is a senior policy fellow at the Center for Global Development, told The Washington Post. “To the extent that there’s someone to blame here, the blame is on poor, chaotic management from the White House and failure to acknowledge the big picture.”
Too bad there’s no known treatment for TDS.
“the delay in expanding testing to labs outside the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,”
Tangentially true in that anything that happens in the executive arena comes back to the president. The FDA refused to allow private labs to conduct testing until several weeks had passed:
“It’s a little bit complex what happened here in this country, and it has to do with some relatively arcane areas of FDA law, but basically the FDA has always asserted that it has jurisdiction to regulate what are called laboratory developed tests. These are tests developed in private laboratories, to be used in the private laboratories for a variety of testing purposes, except that the FDA has exercised what they call enforcement discretion and they almost never would regulate those tests. In this instance, when the public health emergency was declared by Secretary Azar, the FDA decided it was going to exercise discretion and it initially limited the availability of tests for COVID-19 to the CDC developed test. The problem was that that CDC developed test had some difficulties with the reagents that made it an unreliable test, so even though those were distributed around the country, they could not be used.”
See here: https://www.city-journal.org/global-coronavirus-epidemic
Of course, this was the FDA protecting its turf. But, at least in theory Azar and/or Trump could have ordered them to change the policy.
I know that’s not what the TDS version says.
It’s funny because the people complaining about not enough government involvement are saying that the problem was that the government was too involved in the beginning.
The CDC was completely incompetent and Fauci (NIH – somehow anointed the nation’s top doc??) was clearly not playing ball with the administration and complicit in the “Trump is silencing health professionals” BS.
The FDA is a bureaucratic nightmare that should just be abolished.
Mission Accomplished.
Trouble in Commieland?
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/elections-2020/a-never-biden-movement-vows-not-to-vote-for-joe/ar-BB118psS?ocid=spartanntp
I will never vote for Gropey Joe.
Taken together, this is a massive failure in leadership that stems from a massive defect in character. Trump is such a habitual liar that he is incapable of being honest, even when being honest would serve his interests. He is so impulsive, shortsighted, and undisciplined that he is unable to plan or even think beyond the moment. He is such a divisive and polarizing figure that he long ago lost the ability to unite the nation under any circumstances and for any cause. And he is so narcissistic and unreflective that he is completely incapable of learning from his mistakes. The president’s disordered personality makes him as ill-equipped to deal with a crisis as any president has ever been. With few exceptions, what Trump has said is not just useless; it is downright injurious.
The nation is recognizing this, treating him as a bystander “as school superintendents, sports commissioners, college presidents, governors and business owners across the country take it upon themselves to shut down much of American life without clear guidance from the president,” in the words of Peter Baker and Maggie Haberman of The New York Times.
Donald Trump is shrinking before our eyes.
The coronavirus is quite likely to be the Trump presidency’s inflection point, when everything changed, when the bluster and ignorance and shallowness of America’s 45th president became undeniable, an empirical reality, as indisputable as the laws of science or a mathematical equation.
It has taken a good deal longer than it should have, but Americans have now seen the con man behind the curtain. The president, enraged for having been unmasked, will become more desperate, more embittered, more unhinged. He knows nothing will be the same. His administration may stagger on, but it will be only a hollow shell. The Trump presidency is over.
Whatever.
The coronavirus is quite likely to be the Trump presidency’s inflection point
The viruses are closing in.
Virus collusion!!!!!!!!!
Oh, it’s The Atlantic. Disregard.
They do have a point, though, that this is a make or break point in Trump’s presidency but it isn’t broken yet.
NPR agrees that it’s All His Fault. (Disclaimer: have neither read nor listened.)
https://www.npr.org/transcripts/814881355
The coronavirus is quite likely to be the Trump presidency’s inflection point, when everything changed
The walls are closing in?
I’m sure they are preparing similar pieces on the response of every other world leader…unless they were just following Trump…no, that’s not right because America is no longer a leader…
I apply this mindset to my guitar playing.
That’s the spirit!
DOOOOOOOOM!
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/seattle-sex-workers-covid19-coronavirus_n_5e69233ac5b60557280fbfce
Improper usage of the word “decimate”
World’s ending man…
10% discount?
“ Hitting Poor Sex Workers Hardest”
If you’re picking up whores on the poor side of town there are bigger worries than CV: HIV, hep, and being shot and /or stabbed should probably be more immediate concerns.
As long as it isn’t “Poor Minority Sex Workers Hardest”, I’m ok with it.
Oh sure. It takes a respiratory disease to do this. Not the many STD’s
In my musical wanderings, I have been listening to a lot of baroque lute, mandolin, guitar, and theorbo.
Ooh, yum.
The WSJ is reporting 67 deaths and 8,000 confirmed infections in South Korea. Out a population of 52 million.
I don’t understand the hysteria. Except liberals seem gleeful about it.
Both sides are acting like assholes. I was driving around town taking care of some business earlier and I wanted to reach through the radio and strangle Rush Limbaugh who was talking down the risks to the point of irresponsibility.
Yup. My dad has gone full-tinfoil on this, telling me that this entire thing was engineered by China to damage Trump because they’re pissed about tariffs.
My father is a very sharp guy, but in his golden years he’s getting a bit loopy.
I don’t know about tariffs, but I could easily see China doing this intentionally to damage us. Who the hell knows what their plans are in the next few years. Certainly expansion in the Pacific. Possibly an invasion of Taiwan. It’s not a stretch at all to assume they would prefer someone like Hillary Clinton over Trump. Can you imagine Hillary pushing back against a Taiwan invasion after something like her Uranium Deal with Russia. If I were China, I would certainly be trying to prepare the best possible environment for an aggressive push.
I do think the oil drop is directed most definitely aimed at harming the United States and also likely done to influence the 2020 elections. It seems probable this was a concerted action with the viral release. It’s too much of a coincidence unless Russia is just trying to take advantage of the chaos.
“Russia is just trying to take advantage of the chaos.”
And there’s the most likely reason.
It’s irrelevant in the near term. I don’t get that at all. The source of it really has no bearing on how we manage the situation.
It only has an impact on how we react to China later.
Your father may be speaking from experience. Age and guile beat youth and a bad haircut every time.
O’Rourke said something like that but my memory ain’t so hot no more.
Yes, it was the title of one of his books – Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut.
I loved PJ O’Rourke so much in my formative years. It was so distressing to see him throw in for Hillary because Orange Man Bad. I would have expected him to just say “They both are terrible”, but noooooo.
He probably doesn’t care because his lungs are shot as is.
Maybe but I sure wouldn’t that to be my final legacy.
He’s been intolerable on this.
It’s very manageable but you shouldn’t encourage people to ignore it altogether.
Getting politicians, the media, and the mob to properly calibrate themselves is tough. Apparently Northern Italy had a whole bunch of Chinese workers flying back and forth from China even after the virus hit China hard. Their “it’s just the flu” attitude was catastrophically wrong. But the people who think the world is ending are just as wrong.
My wife got an email she will quarantined for any international travel. I got an email I might be. Less than 16 hours before my flight. Fuck it. I’m going anyways. The resort is non-refundable and I’m already checked in for the flight. Too little too late dumbasses. You’ve know spring break is coming and wait until Friday afternoon to drop this shit.
I would suspect that our numbers are the same but the CDC is screwing up the testing
My wife is from Daegu (the first place in Korea to have infections) and still has family there. She’s been in full on panic mode for a couple weeks now. I am struggling to deal with her. I don’t get how an otherwise smart woman like her is so unbalanced over this.
If you point out to her the facts about Korea’s infection rate she will tell you it is because they all are hiding in their homes. Then she tells me that I’m going to kill us all by not hiding in the house with her.
I am going to the office just to get a break from her.
Is it possible she needs a deep-dicking?
That’s a personal foul when talking about a fellow Glib’s spouse, unless bowls with keys are involved.
I was suggesting he do the honors. Unless he needs someone else to tag in.
Like I tell my wife. I may be small, but I’m quick!
So what you are saying is I need to break out the scuba equipment?
How far down do I need to be for it to count as an official deep dick?
Make sure you consult your decompression tables.
Don’t want to get the bends.
Unless it helps the G-spot. Then sure. Ascend too quickly.
She’s getting a bit long in the tooth. She’s got an OG-spot now.
Extend your surface interval.
My wife is an anxious person by nature. She is afraid we will get trapped out of country. I’ve tried to tell her Americans are banned from travel home, even from Europe which has many more cases than Costa Rica. I hope I’m right, because if I’m not I’ll never hear the end of it.
Aren’t banned.
even that’s a bit old. South Korea now at a .7% fatality rate and falling.
The US’s is dropping by about .3% per day but still at 1.9% based on worldometer (I have found this to be the most updated site, oddly)
It will be interesting to see where this winds up and if the 1% fatality rate was overblown.
1%? What happened to 5-6%
Minnesoda is now officially an emergency I guess.
Uffda. I am now worried. I am scared my inner contrarian is gonna get me in trouble.
9 whole cases seems reasonable to take upon the
DictatorialEmergency powersAhem. It is all the way up to 14. See! Look at the spike in the numbers.
Nevada did the same last night with 11 cases…
13 in Ohio and DeWine did it last night. Then held a presser today that I think is still on-going…
We’re at 17 case now, but I think it was like 10 when Coonman declared emergency yesterday.
I’ll see your state State of Emergency and raise you one national State of Emergency
Relax kids: it’s nothing we haven’t handled before.
Ride your bike around the barriers if OMWC can get the bike shipped in time. Better yet, go to the fitness place next to Caribou and pick out a new one.
Tundra will be the look out
The place next to the Caribou is a liquor store Fourscore. I know you country boys think that drinking beer counts as arm curls….
Uh, us city boys do too, Holiness.
So I was right. Any neat bikes there that you’d like to seen riding home in? Can you do two at a time, I could use one as well
Denmark? Say it isn’t so…
“All tourists, all travel, all vacations, and all foreigners who cannot prove a creditable purpose of entering Denmark, will be denied entrance at the Danish border,” Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen said.
https://news.yahoo.com/denmark-shutting-borders-curb-spread-180821062.html
The EU weeps.
What a bunch of fucking redneck racists!
I mean they are all white.
the Danish border
What! Everyone knows the middle of the Danish is the best part. The border is just crust you have to work your way through to get to the delicious filling
At least I can still go to the library on Sunday at my alma mater.
https://newyork.cbslocal.com/2020/03/10/7-eleven-spray-sanitizer-warning/
Jesus just use soap…no one is buying that
Whadda mean no one? I’ve got thirty bars. (It was the cheapest per bar rate when I needed to restock)
But did it sanitize his hands? If so, it worked as advertised. Stop persecuting that poor man!
A lot to chew on. Thanks!
If this thing ends up inconveniencing ME in any way, I am going to be highly pissed.
Mo knows what’s what! I have to possibly drink filtered tap water? Ugh
I have a filter in my fridge water dispenser and a Brita pitcher. *haughty sniff*
Didn’t I just hear you’ll have a library all to yourself? What else do you want?
Oh, no. It will be stocked to the brim.
Lots of international students who aren’t going to let anything stand in the way of a 4.8 GPA.
Just don’t drop your glasses………………
/all the Time in the World
If this panic goes on a few more weeks it will put us in a depression. I’d say the insane response to this is going to seriously inconvenience all of us. The disease not so much, I doubt it ends up in the top 5 causes of death this year.
Yippeee! They cancelled the company all-hands meeting for next week because of virus panic! At least I got THAT going for me.
/alwayslookonthebrightsideoflife
“If this panic goes on a few more weeks it will put us in a depression”
But that’s OK, we can cure a depression. Searches for FDR’s biography
IndyCar has cancelled their races in March and April. Will anyone notice?
I’m sure a few people will get revved up about it. Drag queens? Trannies?
WHATCar now??
I’m guessing some amorphous set of independant racers.
As a fan of Indycar and NASCAR I’ll notice.
On the other hand, both series have been posting a lot of classic races to their Youtube channels recently so plenty of races to watch still.
Single nuts on the Cars? the last “stock” part of the Cars, stick a fork in it, it’s a Zombie already
From what I understand, the single lug isn’t gonna change pit stop times all that much.
With 5 lugs they only need a quick lick with the impact, but the single lug needs a good second or two to get it properly tight.
Honestly my #1 question with regard to wheels is what the 18 inch wheels will do to handling.
Has Kyle Busch been interviewed so he can bitch about the NASCAR postponements?
::mumbles under breath:: Needledick weasel…
Somebody commented this morngn that they are missing a big opportunity to gain a lot of TV viewers even if they race with the stands empty. I agree – same with the PGA. Test everyone involved, then get out there and compete.
Your daily dose of tabloid trash.
https://www.citizenfreepress.com/breaking/breaking-democrat-andrew-gillum-involved-in-crystal-meth-overdose-at-miami-hotel/
TBH, Gillum being involved in a meth-fueled gay orgy actually makes me like him a little more.
It sounds like he was having a fun time…good for him.
Sounds like he was doing some outreach to the gay community. Glad to see that he isn’t just using them for fundraising.
I like politicians who put their mouth where their money is.
Ugh. My client and her analysis paralysis. This is why I tell clients how big their book is going to be and only give them 3-4 options and don’t offer a Chinese menu of fonts, point sizes, line heights, and trim sizes.
Nobody needs a choice of 23 different fonts.
Not even little lords named Roy?
What that was you did there- it was noticed, and snorted over.
Technically, it should have been Leroy?
I snickered very softly.
She salivated when I very stupidly told her I have about 600.
So Jugsy’s Envoy developed a pin-hole leak in the RR brake line a couple weeks ago. I went to the parts store, got a piece of replacement line and 2 compression fittings, hacked it out and put in the new one. Taking the bleeder out, of course I stripped it. So, got a fix-a-bleeder, tapped it and….the bastard wont bleed. So, back to O’Reilly to get a caliper. Got that on and….the bastard wont bleed. Its like it isnt building any pressure. Thoughts ?
Check the thermostat.
Is your repair to the brake line leaking?
Nope.
All across American, local would-be tyrants must be ecstatic over this insane panic. Exhibit A:
That may not get the response she thinks it will.
Petty Tyrants and Dictators, loving the use of Emergency Powers. It would be nice to see such people tossed out of office and disgraced.
“Tarred, feathered, run out on a rail” needs to come back.
Doesn’t the dancing around a human sacrifice come first though? Need sort of a volunteer here, any suggestions
Hey, Plisade, get me to where I can play “Dance of Maya” and then we’re talkin’.
My great, great grandmother played the fiddle. My great grandmother played the fiddle. My grandfather played the mandolin, his brothers and sister the drums, guitar, fiddle etc. My father played guitar, my brother the guitar. They were all as good as anyone you have heard.
Me? I missed the gene somehow. I cant play anything.
Google is creating a website with a screener for testing; Walmart is giving-up portions of their parking lots across the country for drive-thru test centers; several new, high throughput tests just approved (more pending); Trump/HHS waiving a mountain of hospital regs (inlcuding allowance of teledoc systems); Dow up over 400 pts during the announcement.
how long before these come into effect?
Some immediate or already happening. Student loan interest also waived until further notice; purchased a bunch of crude to fill reserves. Trump had government and private sector leaders speak – the government people all called-out and praised the private sector.
Waiving the dumbass regulations is the correct response. Good on him.
THIS
Something the Democrats would never have done. They would have sought to expand the power of the bureaucracy.
You mean the bureaucracy Trump gutted???
That’s the only reason they couldn’t do their job, obviously.
A conspiracy theory linking the US army to the coronavirus now has official Chinese endorsement
That means the ChiComs are spooked. They’re getting afraid their own people will turn on them.
What, exactly, can the people do?
They’re beat down, out in the boonies, starving, and have no weapons.
Anything to distance themselves from this.
This is CNN.
https://twitter.com/peterjhasson/status/1238213711900393473
Copy/paste from the chat function at WFMU from a couple of minutes ago.
While the swamp is drained and pedos rounded up, this virus is being used to keep the fearful herded people safe from FF shootings which are always carried out by said swamp. Empty schools mean no FF events. Cruise ships and disney can no longer traffick children and drugs like usual. The pedo cult has used their tainted ADRENOCHROME and now those addicted to sucking on children’s youthful organs are infected – so we can find them and contain them. You will witness this for yourself.
But, of course, most will take their own lives rather than pay the price for their sick twisted crimes.
CRIMES AGAINST CHILDREN!
The Storm Is Upon Us and it is time to drain this swamp of TRAITORS AND CANNIBALS.
Thank God For POTUS and Q and all anons WW
*nods, backs out of room slowly*
*overhears from down the hall, runs out of building*
Just think, this person’s vote counts the same as yours does.
Good lord. Is that, like TDS-DS?
The markets are in love with the White House event.
The press is all over Trump to self-quarantine b/c one of the Brazilian aide’s tested positive. “Why aren’t you, since you are making people coming back from Europe quarantine” – “are you being selfish” – “when are you being tested” – “who should Americans listen to”
It’s like they think if he self-quarantines they can take over.