SEA SMITH FRIDAY NIGHT FUN!

by | Mar 13, 2020 | Advice, Daily Links | 483 comments

LUCKY LAND HOOMANS GET JOKES! FROM SEA SMITH.

SEA SMITH HAPPY SEE FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN LAND HOOMANS NOT ALL HAVE WUHAN DEATH FLU! NOW HIM HAVE AUDIENCE FOR JOKES…

What does fish say when he make mistake?

It just fluke

How did shark plead in murder case?

Not gill-ty.

 

YOU GET GOOD LAUGH! THAT FUN. NOW MORE FUN. LINKS!

  1. SEA SMITH TAKE QUICK CARIBBEAN VACATION!
  2. HIM FUNNY. LOOK LIKE UFO.
  3. NO GO WORK? HOPE STILL GO SWIM…

SEE? FUN! NOW MORE FUN. ADVICE FUN!

Q: Friends did me a huge favor. I have a 3-month-old puppy and had to go out of town for five days for a family event. The puppy sitter I originally lined up had to cancel last-minute, and I solicited help from friends.

One friend and her boyfriend generously stepped up to the plate and took care of my furry friend while I was away. Everything went wonderfully, but now I’m struggling to find the best way to show my gratitude.

I plan to write them a nice note, but beyond that, I’m not sure what the best way to thank them/compensate them would be. I likely would have spent between $150 and $250 to have a professional watch a puppy for this period of time.

A: SEA SMITH KNOW PROBLEM. HE HAVE BUDDY NINGEN LOOK AFTER PET FISH.

HE GOOD FISH!

NOT SURE WHAT DO FOR NINGEN. SO, SEA SMITH GO GET HE TOY SUBMARINE.

BLOOP?

BY TOY, MEAN REAL ONE. FULL OF RESEARCH HOOMANS. THEM YELL “HELP”. A LOT. MAYBE OWN PET FOR FRIENDS? PET SEAGULL!

THEY EASY FEED!

Q: How do you deal with people today who insist on dressing like slobs? I work in an office, and most of the females show up in flip-flops. If they could show up in pajamas, they would.

A: SEA SMITH SAY ENCOURAGE SHOW UP IN SWIMWEAR. THEN TELL “GO IN, WATER IS FINE!” THEN SEA SMITH INSTRUCT IN ERROR OF WAY. BY INSTRUCT, MEAN RAPE. THEM SHOW UP AT WORK IN SUIT OF ARMOR NEXT DAY!

COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!

 

 

About The Author

SEA SMITH

SEA SMITH

SEA SMITH COUSIN OF STEVE SMITH. COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!

483 Comments

    • Fourscore

      More realistic than a real Sasquatch. I know, I’ve seen plenty, mostly before I quit drinking however.

    • C. Anacreon

      1950s TV game show host: So, you’re newlyweds. Do you live in Los Angeles?

      Lady contestant: Oh, nooo….. we have relations in the valley!

      /classic tv blooper that isn’t really that funny

    • SEA SMITH

      NO. THAT NOT COUSIN STEVE. YOU TRICKED! ASK MONEY BACK.

  1. Spudalicious

    FREE ATLANTIA!!!

    • SEA SMITH

      NEVER!

  2. Q Continuum

    What the optimist say when he jumped off a building?

    So far, so good.

  3. straffinrun

    Would you suck a dick to save your puppy’s life? C’mon, you know how to thank the sitters.

    • C. Anacreon

      That’s an odd way to resuscitate a puppy.

  4. JD is Unemployed

    *dons armored burkini*

    Yes water is fine!

    • SEA SMITH

      COME ON IN!

  5. Sean

    @Mojeaux

    You’ve been professing your fondness for Peeps lately. I live near their mothership and they have a kitschy storefront locally complete with a real VW Peepmobile.

    https://www.google.com/search?ei=m2ZrXtvhAYK5ggeUjqSwBQ&q=peepstore&oq=peepstore&gs_l=mobile-gws-wiz-serp.3..0j0i10l7.14797.17637..19736…1.1..0.107.631.5j2……0….1………0i71j41i131i67i275j0i67j0i131j46i131i67i275j0i13.-6jtE2WS_V0#lkt=LocalPoiPhotos&trex=m_t:lcl_akp,rc_f:,rc_ludocids:3250097672963889104,rc_q:PEEPS%2520%2526%2520COMPANY%25C2%25AE,ru_q:PEEPS%2520%2526%2520COMPANY%25C2%25AE

    I’ll be in that shopping center tomorrow. It’s got my Fresh Market and a liquor store. ?

    • Nephilium

      Several years back the Mini Takes the States drive went through Bethlehem, PA with a stop at the Peep factory, and provided Mini Peeps to all participants. We only went to Pittsburgh that year though.

      • Sean

        Bethlehem is quite close to me. If you ever find yourself in that area, let’s meet up.

        Hope your quarantining is comfortable with mild symptoms.

      • Don Escaped ORD

        I love ABE: small and fast, in and out.

      • Sean

        I’ve never been. My parents love it to travel to FL.

        Next time you go through the area, say hi.

      • Don Escaped ORD

        of course

        I was calling on Mack in Allentown, but that braintrust moved to Greensboro a decade ago. Macungie is still running, but I haven’t worked on heavy truck in four years now. My last run through the area was to KME at Nesquehoning to work on their fire trucks. I had a chance to duck into Martin & Co guitars in Nazereth on that trip and just never have been back.

        I’m holding at 62 airports and may well never add a new one to the list.

      • Nephilium

        No more symptoms then any other time I’ve traveled for work. I’m now trying to decide how to spend the extra 9 days of PTO I’ve got from cancelled trips, and the ~$700 of credit I’ve got with Southwest.

        I’m defrosting meat now to cook for the next couple of days.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        for $700 you can fly RT 6 times to anywhere in the US right now.

      • The Last American Hero

        That’s a long time to cook meat.

      • Jarflax

        Rhino ham is tough

      • SEA SMITH

        YOU TRY COOK ALL WHALE! IT HARD. NEED UNDERSEA VOLCANO. LONG TIME.

      • Jarflax

        No reason to blubber about it.

    • commodious spittoon

      I’ll be in that shopping center tomorrow.

      Then you’re already dead from virus.

      • Sean

        Pffft….an hour after getting the coronavirus, I was hungry for more.

      • straffinrun

        Your link looks like Corona’s DNA sequence.

      • Sean

        It’s close enough. Click the photos tab.

      • straffinrun

        Not falling for that. Used to only get a funny sound when I pulled a guy’s finger.

      • SEA SMITH

        SEA SMITH NOT HAVE PULL FINGER…

    • Mojeaux

      I WANT A PEEPMOBILE!!!

      I doubt Peeps would approve of my aging techniques.

  6. Fourscore

    Offer to keep the boy friend for a week end when his lady friend is out of town

    • straffinrun

      ^Gets it.

    • SEA SMITH

      FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN LAND HOOMAN FOURSCORE SMART. HIM GIVE GOOD ADVICE TOO!

  7. mexican sharpshooter

    SEA SMITH SAY ENCOURAGE SHOW UP IN SWIMWEAR

    Simultaneously the best and worst advice ever given on this site.

    • Fourscore

      I know what you mean. Particularly the worst advice, I’ve worked in some of those places.

    • SEA SMITH

      WHYCOME NO LEAVE AT BEST?

      • mexican sharpshooter

        I left before the worst.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Im laughing at $32 of Italian cheese

    • Fourscore

      Did you see Ilham’s response? By golly, that girl gets it. Just cancel all debt, rent, etc.

    • Cannoli

      In 2011, the “Snowpocalypse” shut Atlanta down for a week. A couple days in, my dad and sisters walked to Publix for a resupply. They returned proudly carrying a five gallon tub of cheese puffs.

      • Spudalicious

        As long as they bought enough beer to wash it down, I’m not seeing the downside.

  8. Aus

    Weed. Booze. PC Gaming.

    Time for some escapism.

    • Nephilium

      I’ve got two out of three…

      /starting to pull things out of the deep freeze to eat for the next couple of weeks.

    • SEA SMITH

      RAPE. SHIPWRECK. GLIBERTARIANS.COM

      THAT SEA SMITH 3.

  9. Viking1865

    Shameless repost 1

    At the last bit of some red beans and rice. I really don’t cook that often enough, its such a fantastic dish. Wasn’t a full size dinner portion, so I threw a couple eggs in with them. Eggs are honestly the universal food, they go with every single thing I can imagine. Maybe not like a bit of leftover pasta, that might be weird. But whenever I only have a little bit of chili, or a little bit of barbecue, or a little bit of jambalya or a little bit of soup or stew, out comes the small nonstick pan to fry 1-3 eggs while the leftovers nuke.

    • Tulip

      My mom used to feed us leftover Mac and cheese in scrambled eggs. Totally works with leftover pasta

    • Rhywun

      I just threw some scrambled eggs into leftover hamburger rice pilaf. It was… OK.

      • Sean

        Missing pickled jalapenos and extra salt.

        Salt, acid, fat, heat taught me that.

      • Rhywun

        Of course I added salt and pepper to the eggs & I got extra salt from the shredded cheddar I also added. But the whole thing came out with a slightly unpleasant texture. Oh well, it tasted good.

    • Spudalicious

      An over medium egg on top of leftover pasta is divine. The egg means you can also eat it for breakfast.

  10. Ayn Random Variation

    Speaking of the sea, cinemax is free this weekend and the greatest movie ever involving sharp toothed fish is on now!

    • Ayn Random Variation

      More accurately, a sharp toothed fish.

      • Count Potato

        Every girl crazy about a sharp toothed fish.

      • Rhywun

        *snort*

      • Gustave Lytton

        Lol

    • Sean

      Sharknado 5?

  11. Viking1865

    Shameless repost 2

    There are a lot of things about my fellow man that I don’t understand. If kids skip a few weeks of school will they be held over until they get 180 days in the classroom? Will the little tikes only be able to read 5/6 as well as they should.?

    I had a thought today: what if, when they crunch the numbers for 2020, we see a drop in the teen suicide rate, and an improvement in the standardized testing scores for high schoolers: SAT, ACT, even the ASVAB?

    • straffinrun

      It’ll prove that we need to spend moar on teacher salaries.

      • AlmightyJB

        If the results were exactly opposite, it would prove the same thing.

  12. Florida Man

    2 confirmed cases of COVID-19 at my hospital. Time to panic…I guess. ?‍♂️

    • Nephilium

      Only two? My sister mocked me by telling me I was probably infected due to my travel (which I knew already).

      The airports were creepily empty today. Most of us were on our way home, and in good nature with jokes about the Coronavirus.

      • Florida Man

        I’m flying out tomorrow. People are asking for pics of the airport. Lol.

      • Nephilium

        All empty in your area as well?

      • Florida Man

        Ill let you know tomorrow. MCO is number 6 in US for traffic. Orlando is going to be hit hard with tourism down.

      • Nephilium

        My flights out on Monday were strange because there were empty seats. Today when I flew home, there were more empty seats, and the bartenders said it was the slowest it had been since Thanksgiving day.

      • SEA SMITH

        SEA SMITH SAY, TAKE CRUISE SHIP!

    • Ayn Random Variation

      Am i the only one who thinks this drip drip of confirmed case alarmism is silly as hell. Let’s face it, there are probably hundreds of thousands or millions of unconfirmed cases out there.

      • Sean

        With mild, barely perceptible symptoms?

        Spooky.

      • commodious spittoon

        The virus is infecting from inside the body!!

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Eeeew. Wear a condom.

      • SEA SMITH

        SEA SMITH GO BAREBACK!

      • mexican sharpshooter

        You have a back?

      • Swiss Servator

        YOU go look…I shan’t.

  13. Trigger Hippie

    Staying at home during a health scare for weeks on end with no interaction with the outside world for most people in first world nations is a luxury for the comfortably well to do or the habitually grifting unemployed. I’m working overtime in this dystopian landscape tomorrow.

    *cough, cough*

    Oh, don’t worry. That’s just because of what’s in the bowl…and part of why I volunteered for overtime.

    Poor First World Me.

    Is this on topic? Fuck it, how could it not be? Submitted early!

    • Nephilium

      I’m not concerned for me, I’m 99% sure I’ve been exposed this week. It means I’ll avoid seeing my parents any time soon (not really that hard), and will be staying at home as much as possible (also not that hard).

      • Count Potato

        Why so sure you’ve been exposed?

      • straffinrun

        He saw the flasher’s Willy?

      • Nephilium

        I flew through Atlanta on Monday, and Baltimore today.

      • Trigger Hippie

        I guess I should have given a backstory to that brainfart. I am in fact working tomorrow, and the statement was perfectly reflective of what some of the reason behind that is. It is also pretty much the very same reasons the dude in his early twenties coming in to assist me is coming in tomorrow. The difference is he spent a good portion of the day whining about it being some sort of social injustice. I guess being a fiscally irresponsible ass with a young family who is forced to work more to provide is everybody else’s problem to fix because “Da Virus!”.

        Fuck that guy…and that sucks to hear you may have been exposed. I hope my belief that this has been largely overhyped is true for you and your family’s sake.

      • Nephilium

        Fuck, most of the people I was chatting with at the airport were joking about it. Almost all of us were traveling for work (and not for the first time), I’m not worried for myself, and will just avoid contact with high risk people for the next couple of weeks. I’ve got enough meet in the deep freeze, I’m mildly worried that I’ll run out of vegetables I’ve got on hand first.

      • SEA SMITH

        SEA SMITH OFFER SEA CUCUMBER!

    • Ayn Random Variation

      Starting next week my office is working from home, but since i walk I’m going in and will have the place to myself. For once i will get up on Monday morning without a feeling of impending doom.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Be honest. Is that because of the fear of the virus or the fact you won’t have to deal with your coworkers and management on a personal level? 😉

      • Ayn Random Variation

        Obvious answer is obvious! A whole week/month without the Mabels will be glorious.

      • Nephilium

        I spun up ~500 software phones for a group over the past 24 hours for the ability to work from home. My entire company has gone WFH for the foreseeable future.

        At least one brewery is now offering delivery of their items in an extended area.

  14. Vacuous

    My university is extending spring break to two weeks. Then we are finishing the semester online. That will make finals interesting.

    • SEA SMITH

      SEA SMITH SAY, BRING STUDENT TO WATER, IT FINE! SEA SMITH MAKE VERY INTERESTING.

    • straffinrun

      Knowing you, a half day supply?

      • Timeloose

        I’m sipping a sample of each. Rationing until tomorrow.

    • DEG

      Nice

      • Timeloose

        My supply is not limited, but I have bottles I want to consume with certain friends.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I gave my last bottle of the 2nd one as a retirement gift to a good friend and coworker last week, before things got weird just in case. He’s been essentially WAH now until his last day.

      • Timeloose

        It’s one of my favorite Irish whiskeys. Good stuff.

    • Nephilium

      /hides his cask strength Redbreast.

  15. straffinrun

    After months of this crisis, we need to come together as a planet and agree that no more Corona beer jokes will be tolerated.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      I think this will be the Modelo to follow.

      • AlmightyJB

        It’s only Natural

      • SEA SMITH

        SEA SMITH LAUGH. HE RAPE YOU LAST.

    • AlmightyJB

      Only after it takes it Coors

      • straffinrun

        I don’t know if Heinenken wait.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        Oh, Douling puns?

      • C. Anacreon

        Amstel wantin’ to hear more of these puns.

      • J. Frank Parnell

        No more puns? I figured they’d Stella be going on.

    • Nephilium

      My niece is drinking Corona in Florida now.

      I’ve never been more proud.

      • Chipping Pioneer

        Your niece is prolly doing other stuff in Florida, too.

      • Nephilium

        Yep. I approve of the current boyfriend, and would prefer to think no further on it.

    • straffinrun

      Livestream of unconsciousness.

      • Trigger Hippie

        I’m Blow Jiden, and I splooged this massage.

    • Ayn Random Variation

      Jesus he’s gone.

      • straffinrun

        The Brazillions want to cut down the Amazon and instal a parking lot.

      • straffinrun

        There it is. Thanks!

      • Ayn Random Variation

        I tbought his reference was obvious but still cool to hear that.

    • Rhywun

      LOL good Lord

  16. commodious spittoon

    If you get to work from home, don’t show up in flip-flops and PJs like a slob. It may be home but it’s still work.

    • Sean

      Do I have to shave my balls or wear underwear?

      • Chafed

        One or the other.

    • hayeksplosives

      I always wore my badge when working from home in order to emphasize to the stepsons that I am “at work” and not yet available.

      I have revived that habit for my husband’s sake as a reminder.

    • Fourscore

      Everyday I shave, comb my hair, even as I see no one other than the missus, for days at a time, I go nowhere for days at a time. Its something that I do, I feel better. Don’t ask me why, old habits are hard to change or explain.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        I’ve gone whole weekends without changing my clothes or bathing or even looking in a mirror. And here i am with 2 weeks of food and vodka so this might be one of them

    • Nephilium

      I don’t even own flip-flops. I’ll show up in sweatshorts and a shirt, and they’ll be happy for it.

  17. UnCivilServant

    The illness over the weekend that I repeatedly insisted wasn’t Corona… I’m not so sure anymore.

    I was asymptomatic on friday. On saturday, I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a sledgehammer. Symptoms were headache, cough, and fever. The feelings of congestion never manifested in airway blockage, and there was no sneezing or runny nose. Plus, whenever I took dayquil to bring down the coughing, I did not become a snot zombie. With actual congestion, the medication would normally open up my sinuses. The anomalous vomitting saturday night does not appear to be a disease symptom, because I kept down all other food the whole duration.

    The main argument against Corona was lack of exposure opportunities, but in the two weeks prior, aside from wandering around and area where cases have popped up, I had in-classroom training and a meeting with a vendor rep and downstate personnel. So now I can’t be sure if it was flu or corona.

    • straffinrun

      Did your eyes get slanted? Did you feel a sudden urged to invade Tibet?

      • UnCivilServant

        No, but I did have a craving for citrus.

      • commodious spittoon

        I believe it’s hanging upside-down and feeding on the villagers.

        Wait, that’s Romaniavirus.

      • Viking1865

        I think you mean liberate Tibet from a theocratic autocracy.

    • AlmightyJB

      I have asthma so anything respiratory wipes me out.

    • Tulip

      *wipes down tablet with bleach*

      • straffinrun

        Instal McAffee.

      • UnCivilServant

        The tablet will start spewing crazy and tweeting on its own.

      • straffinrun

        And start fucking whales.

    • Nephilium

      It’s been nice knowing you. But your still young enough that you should be fine. I was texting my sister, who decided to confirm that I was probably infected,

      • UnCivilServant

        The only symptom left is a cough that has been lessening by the day.

        Though your infection may not turn out so well. Watch your symptoms.

    • UnCivilServant

      The more that I think about it, the more I’m actually wanting it to have been corona. Because then I’ll have gotten it over with, and after a brief period of staying in my home until I’m no longer contagious, I can get back to life as normal without concern of catching it.

  18. one true athena

    my corona shopping story of today: I was going to get orange juice since my kid with the lung infection/virus/yuck (it doesn’t appear to be coronavirus since he’s blowing his nose and apparently covid-19 doesn’t include nasal congestion very often, but now I’m kinda wishing it was just to get the drama done with). I was heading for Trader Joe’s thinking – well it doesn’t sell much paper goods or hand santizer, so not much for people to stock up on – and a woman coming out with her cart says ‘good luck! The line’s is to the back of the store!”

    IN FUCKING TRADER JOE’S. so then I go to Whole Foods in the same parking lot because surely people aren’t stupidly stocking up on the most expensive STOCKING UP products, right? hahahaha my god I’m an idiot. Every cart was FULL. crazy. Luckily the express line wasn’t too bad for normal people trying to buy just a couple of things not the whole store and I did get orange juice.

    I realize with kids home from school and people not going out they probably need more food than usual, but this is insane. So much of these purchases are just going to be thrown out in the end, because people aren’t actually gonna eat half of them, I bet.

    • Rhywun

      It seems like it’s mostly the big-box stores that are like this. I only shop the small supermarkets* that are available to me within walking distance in Brooklyn and there is little to none of this behavior visible. At least, as of yesterday. Will be doing a little more shopping tomorrow, we shall see.

      *these would not be recognizable as such to most of you

      • Don Escaped ORD

        small supermarkets

        markets?

        / grocer’s sun

      • Rhywun

        Heh, it says both out front.

        It actually packs a bigger variety than you would think by looking at that.

      • Viking1865

        How long do you think the Google car waited there for a kombucha truck to drive by to really sell the Brooklyn thing?

      • Rhywun

        I don’t even know what that is.

        PS. This is not “that” part of Brooklyn. It’s old Italians and Chinese and more recent Middle Easterners. Some yuppies like me.

      • Trigger Hippie

        A bodega? Yeah, few and far between here.

      • Rhywun

        No, definitely not a bodega. In fact, there is a bodega next door to this (super)market where I buy my vapes. Bodegas typically don’t have a meat department or any of the specialty foods I can get at the market.

      • Trigger Hippie

        What am I thinking of? A glorified liquor store with limited grocery options? Only been to NYC a few times and that was nearly twenty years ago.

      • Rhywun

        I dunno. Liquor stores don’t sell groceries and vice-versa.

      • Trigger Hippie

        WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?!

      • Ayn Random Variation

        The supermarkets in Jersey (In Hudson County at least) have liquor / beer sections in the back room.
        In Philly you can’t buy beer and liquor in the same store. You can only get beer at certain grocery stores.

      • Rhywun

        At least in NY beer is available in every market and bodega.

    • commodious spittoon

      I might stumble over to Smith’s nearer to midnight, if I’m not wasted, see if it cleared out. Grab a couple cans of tomatoes and a squash for spaghetti tomorrow. And some navy beans.

    • Ayn Random Variation

      Yeah i stocked up at the local target and Walgreens, not the other close option, which is an organic supermarket with organic toilet paper and paper towels and soup

    • westernsloper

      My stock up was buying two handles of tequila instead of one so I am good for at least a couple weeks. I did try to put in my weekend grocery order at the Wmart and only pick up times tomorrow were after 2 PM. People are even freaking out here in bumfuck nowhere. Pisses me off.

  19. mexican sharpshooter

    In things I never thought I would actually do: I just helped my neighbor run down his chicken. It somehow escaped and ran into my yard.

    Chasing a chicken really is hard,

    • Sean

      These euphemisms…

      • Tres Cool

        Or stereotypes.

      • Nephilium

        I will never forget when I was a kid and going for a walk seeing a neighbor get taken down in his own driveway by his rooster. I’ve never heard someone cry out for help so much, and being a kid, and seeing that it was a “chicken” I didn’t think they needed help.

    • AlmightyJB

      Did you choke it too?

    • Trigger Hippie

      Did that as a child. My father raised chickens until I was around 8-9 years old and sometimes I was required to do that while it was still in the coop for some reason I can’t remember. That was hard enough. Can’t imagine what it would be like in open space…which brings back a memory of my dad trying to run down and kill a Blue Racer Snake that was trying to get at the chickens one day. He was running through mostly dried corn stalks while wielding a rake. He disappeared for a while, then emerged covered in blood.

      If you don’t know, dried up corn leaves still on the stalks are sharp as fuck. Running through them on the small family farm after harvest on a warm day to kill a snake is a very, very bad idea. My brother and I started bawling, thinking that the snake just nearly killed my dad.

      • Rhywun

        I’ve only chased chickens in Zelda games and it’s a BITCH.

    • Ayn Random Variation

      Is your neighbor Burgess Meredith?

      • mexican sharpshooter

        I didn’t want to chase it, I wanted to eat it.

    • Gustave Lytton

      You ran around like a chicken with its neck cut off?

    • Mad Scientist

      How did it get out of his kitchen cupboard?

  20. Yusef drives a Kia

    I got Weed, 85 beers, a ton of canned goods, and Grilling needs, I figure Disc golf is safe because outdoors and wind, I got this self Isolation down.
    No IRL friends, no problems….

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      3 cases of water, and a Party pack of Oreos!

      • Q Continuum

        Rock on man, sounds like a fun weekend.

    • Toxteth O’Grady

      I thought you had one or more disc golf friends.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Acquaintances, Friends take years to cultivate, I hate People makes it harder….

      • Trigger Hippie

        At least tell me you have the culture of randomly meeting cool people who you can join up with to throw and share a bowl or two through the course.

    • Nephilium

      Hope you’re still happy man… I’m getting concerned about my planned vacations now. Two have been canceled, and I need to find something to use this time.

  21. J. Frank Parnell

    I plan to write them a nice note, but beyond that, I’m not sure what the best way to thank them/compensate them would be.

    A case of toilet paper is probably the most thoughtful gift right now.

    How do you deal with people today who insist on dressing like slobs? I work in an office, and most of the females show up in flip-flops. If they could show up in pajamas, they would.

    Everybody works from home now, problem fucking solved.

    • Rhywun

      Dress codes, like every place I’ve ever worked…?!

      • Heroic Mulatto

        I was almost ready to go along with the whole populist thing until I saw what some people wore to jury duty.

      • Nephilium

        Fuck you! I wore my Arrogant Bastard Work Shirt for a reason!

      • pistoffnick

        Arrogant Jaded Bastard was my college nickname!

    • Plinker762

      I guess I’ll put the milling machine in the living room

      • Mad Scientist

        You’re my kind of Glib.

    • Q Continuum

      Shitlord level: prodigy.

  22. J. Frank Parnell

    NO GO WORK? HOPE STILL GO SWIM…

    Swimming’s still on according to my community newsletter:

    “According to the CDC, there is no evidence that COVID-19 can be spread to humans through the use of pools and hot tubs. Given our enhanced cleaning procedures and guidance from the CDC, [community]-owned pool facilities remain open for use at this time.”

    • Fourscore

      Uh-huh. Until you get in the water. I’ve heard the frog story too many times. The community pool is run by the same government that runs the schools. SEA SMITH may be the pool boy but… its up to you to decide.

    • Ayn Random Variation

      “there is no evidence…” makes my BS detector chirp uncontrollably.

  23. Count Potato

    “Blacks are not getting Coronavirus!

    Coronavirus cannot attack black people because it is a Chinese virus –

    History teaches us that Chinese plus black is a no go.

    For example, it is well known that a Chinese/black crossing creates, invariably a car thief that cannot drive.”

    https://twitter.com/officialmcafee/status/1238422628349743104

    • Q Continuum

      “For example, it is well known that a Chinese/black crossing creates, invariably a car thief that cannot drive.”

      LOL, oh Jesus.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      History teaches us that Chinese plus black is a no go.

      My Pornhub feed falsifies that.

      • DEG

        I saw that video too. McAfee is off-base here.

    • Mojeaux

      I LOL. Hard.

      • Below Sea Level Hell Centro

        I can’t stop crying ?

    • Gustave Lytton

      Did McAfee’s account get hacked by the “not allowed” guy that Straff posted a time or two?

    • westernsloper

      This one was better and it should be known that any Tweets from him are NSFW.

    • Tejicano

      SEA SMITH DISCOVERED MANY ANUS THIS DAY. NO REASON YOU FEEL SPECIAL.

  24. DEG

    How do you deal with people today who insist on dressing like slobs? I work in an office, and most of the females show up in flip-flops. If they could show up in pajamas, they would.

    A: SEA SMITH SAY ENCOURAGE SHOW UP IN SWIMWEAR.

    Hmm… this probably wouldn’t work out the way I’d want.

    • Timeloose

      Same problem with yoga pants. They don’t have a size limitation.

      • DEG

        I think I posted this before, but I don’t care. I’ll post it again.

        Seen on the men’s room wall of a bar I used to frequent:

        “Yoga pants are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
        “No they aren’t. If I wore yoga pants you would not be happy.”
        “Thanks Obama!”

      • Nephilium

        /puts on yoga pants

    • DEG

      I think I’ll just take #15 and #25 today, thanks.

    • AlmightyJB

      Quite a few Lookers in that bunch. That last chick. Good Lord.

      • westernsloper

        Ya, she got an “oh my” out of me.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        The 13 year old?

      • westernsloper

        When you put it like that it sounds creepy because I always assume they are of age, but ya.

  25. Below Sea Level Hell Centro

    How do I collect process samples and perform chemical analysis from home? Why does everyone at work use my office phone and computer when I’m not there? If you saw the hygiene habits of the people who use my lab equipment you’d enter me into the death pool pronto. I’m also 15 minutes away from a third world Mexico city. The corona virus I eventually get will be infected with AIDS.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      I eat ass.

      • commodious spittoon

        Don’t be fatuous.

        Nobody eats ass.

      • quincy

        I was hoping for the cat video.

      • commodious spittoon

        It’s weird that I only heard a few lines of dialogue and instantly knew this guy is Japanese, not someone who eats ass.

      • Mojeaux

        Well. That was interesting.

      • commodious spittoon

        Having watched a few more minutes of it… I see what you mean.

        Hang him. String him up. Debauched filth.

      • C. Anacreon

        What’s the difference between eating ass and sucking ass?

      • quincy

        Viscosity.

      • Trigger Hippie

        And thermal breakdown

        /Castrol GTX

      • commodious spittoon

        You never go ass to mouth.

      • Below Sea Level Hell Centro

        What happened to romance?

      • commodious spittoon

        I LOVE PUSSY AND BEER!

      • Heroic Mulatto

        The shape of your tongue.

      • westernsloper

        BAC

      • Timeloose

        You’ve already contaminated the pool.

    • Nephilium

      I traveled through Atlanta’s airport and Baltimore’s airport this week. My plan is that I’ve got the death virus in me.

      • Plinker762

        Hands Neph pistol with one round in it.

        “You know what you have to do.”

      • Nephilium

        /nods

        /shoots Plinker in the face

      • Plinker762

        Haha it was a test. I wouldn’t hand a Glib agun with a live round. BTW, I told HRC you have incriminating evidence.

  26. westernsloper

    Italian man wears giant circle prop to keep coronavirus at bay

    We were joking about that today because that is in fact what our super smart millionaire commi Governor sent as a Directive down to us plebs today.

  27. Scruffy Nerfherder

    I can see already that I’m going to need some weed in order to deal with two weeks of cooped up kids.

    • Gustave Lytton

      For them or you?

    • Trigger Hippie

      Dude, just dose them with edibles. Much more discreet that way.

  28. Gustave Lytton

    My wife just accused me of possibly being the type of person that would shoot someone coming in the door to take my guns.

    • RAHeinlein

      Crazy, mixed-up, chick, that wife of yours.

    • Trigger Hippie

      Did you thank her?

      • Gustave Lytton

        I’m not sure if she meant it as a compliment. I think it was more like I could be a crazy thinker like those Malhuer NWR guys.

      • Trigger Hippie

        I know, but you should thank her anyway. It would just worry her more, and that’s funny to me seeing as I don’t have to deal with the repercussions. Because I’m a dick. 😉

    • commodious spittoon

      Kindly remind her of what happens to snitches.

    • westernsloper

      ?

    • Gustave Lytton

      Completely unrelated, who has good pricing on 5.56 and 9mm right now? I’m feeling a bit brassy.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Also, that would be guns, past possessive. Dammit! Why did I have to take them with me in the boat!

    • Tejicano

      “…accused me of possibly being…”

      What’s with the “possibly”?

  29. Heroic Mulatto

    So, it looks like someone took the results of a Hearts of Iron IV game and made a movie out of it:

    African Kung Fu Nazis

    • Tres Cool

      …From the people that brought you “Iron Sky” and Danger 5…..

    • Chafed

      How was the sequel?

    • CPRM

      Sad those poor Africans have better cameras than me, or glad that I’m so poor in the US that I’m fat?

  30. westernsloper

    Honest question, have we ever freaked this much over a virus that offs old people with health conditions before? I don’t mean to be callous, or don’t give a fuck about people, but seriously the average age of the deceased from this are 80 from what I heard. (right or wrong?) I got ten bucks those people would have died if they caught the common cold. From what I hear even the elderly if healthy are not effected much other than a mild cold. It is just the otherwise sick. Why is this such a freakout?

    • Tejicano

      From what I believe I’ve been able to parse from different inputs it seems the main victims (dead, not just infected) are those with impaired lung function. This includes heavy smokers, obese, or just old/out of shape.

      • westernsloper

        That is my take too. Which puts me at a high risk as I am a chain smoking fuck wit. I have a tendency toward self destructive behavior and I am ok with that and am fully aware it is destructive. I am sure our beloved fourscore is healthier than I am as far as lung function goes. My point is, we (as a nation) have never ever freaked out this much about anything that killed off such a small subset of people. WTF? I buy into the theory it is hyped to blame Trump and the assholes doing that are going to crash the economy which is another thing to blame on Trump.

      • Tejicano

        Yeah, my F-I-L is in the highest risk sub-group for this. Close to 80, life long smoker, has to stop and wheeze after climbing a single flight of stairs. He also lives in ground zero for infections in Japan.

      • Festus

        I too am a chain smoking fuck wit but my work keeps me in good shape. I get paid a day rate so old Festus is Charlie Hustle when he’s on the clock. Dr. was shocked when I told him the truth about my vices (tobacco and beer) because my vitals are those of a man twenty years younger.

    • commodious spittoon

      It certainly proves the power of our media, lest we had any reason to doubt it. Neither that that’s here nor there.

      • Timeloose

        Great perspective.

      • one true athena

        That’s a good thought, that people are so frightened because most diseases are, in fact, manageable if not altogether wiped out. Add that to the rise of clickbait media (all of it) who has no incentive to not cover it endlessly, and it’s just a recipe for all this.

        Plus the determination that – “We don’t want to appear to be cruel to those who are at risk so everyone must suffer instead.” It’s laudable, but at the same time it’s virtue signaling. Like those commentators who were all “omg so mean!” when Ann Coulter tweeted a few days ago that the average age of those who died was 81. Maybe it should point to containment being on those who are at risk, not those who are healthy? I don’t know but nobody can discuss that possibility without being “cruel” now.

      • Nephilium

        As one who traveled this past week, I’m going to plan as if I caught it. I’m going to stay away from my parents (not that hard), and I’ve strongly suggested that the girlfriend stays away from her grandmother. Other then that, I’ve got high blood pressure, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine.

      • Tejicano

        I’m looking forward to whatever means they will come up with to certify people who have already been infected and are no longer able to infect others. I’d like to get there myself as soon as possible.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        My millenial friend called me a trumper for saying it’s not any worse than a cold or flu in most people unless you’re old and already sick. He said people are DYING DUDE!

        I am saving all of my texts for this round of we’re all gonna die.

      • Tres Cool

        Tres Sr., at age 80, will likely concur.

      • Nephilium

        I’m waiting for some stories from my sister (40’s, works as a nurse) driving our parents away if they try to visit.

      • westernsloper

        Today, thanks to vaccines, fewer and fewer people remember what it was like to survive a succession of childhood diseases. Is the unfamiliar threat of serious sickness making us more afraid of COVID-19 than we need to be? Does a society that relies more on politics than faith now find itself in an uncomfortable bind, unable to lecture, browbeat, intimidate, or evade the incorrect behavior of a dangerous microbe?

        This.

      • Plinker762

        The safer life is the more we seem to fear death.

  31. CPRM

    Went out and had for a fish fry tonight, the restaurant was packed, not even corona virus will stop sconnies from going out for a fish fry…but all the toilet paper is gone and they closed all the schools…

  32. Timeloose

    The recent rash of COV panic is purely due to social media. This includes panic purchases of TP, spam, hand sanitizers, and gloves/masks.

    Fight me!

    • UnCivilServant

      Why do you people all want to fight?

      • Timeloose

        It’s a natural reaction to the attacks real or imaginary we are exposed to every day in this time line.

      • Gender Traitor

        What do you mean, “you people”??

      • UnCivilServant

        Glibs. A lot of comments contain something they claim is a volatile opinion and end with ‘fight me’. as if anyone is actually going to fight them or care enough to.

      • Timeloose

        True dat.

      • Plinker762

        Joe Biden Effect

      • Tres Cool

        “Gloves” were triggering.

      • Nephilium

        Daytonians?

        I heard the Kung Flu is in your neck of the woods too…

      • Gender Traitor

        Last I heard, four cases in Butler County, a couple of counties south of Dayton. Haven’t yet heard of any in Montgomery County or adjacent counties. Just a matter of time, I suppose.

      • Tres Cool

        Ill let you know when I get back from Meijer’s

      • Gender Traitor

        We were up there earlier this evening, but not for groceries. Got what we wanted from Health & Beauty and the shoe department, then wandered over to the grocery side, mainly out of morbid curiosity. Idly looked around to see if hand sanitizer was indeed AWOL, but the bare shelves and (mostly) the crush of carts had us saying, “Get me the hell out of here!”

    • Tres Cool

      /note to self- buy more SPAM

      • Timeloose

        I’ve got some good spam recipes.

      • Tres Cool

        Fried.
        And then fried with eggs.
        in a pinch, out of the can.

        They’re all good.

      • Timeloose

        Spaghetti and spam. The College dinner special.

      • Tres Cool

        blue-box Kraft and chopped “Treet” was a staple of poor Tres’s early years

      • straffinrun

        Me too. Throw it in the garbage and eat some gyoza instead.

      • commodious spittoon

        It goes great with mayonnaise.

      • Timeloose

        Very Hawaiian

      • Tres Cool

        what doesn’t?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I’ve Got Spam,
        for a jam,
        I have Tuna,
        In a can,
        I have short ones,
        80 or so,
        and several cans,
        of Spaghetti O’s

      • Tres Cool

        /he’s a poet but don’t know it!

        HEY YUFUS!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Sup Tres! Bottled Water and TP forever!!!!

    • Urthona

      Blaming social media!?

      *gasp*

      I demand satisfaction in the form of fisticuffs!

      • Timeloose

        I prefer rapiers at dawn, but have it your way.

    • Rhywun

      The recent rash of COV panic is purely due to social media.

      For awhile I was surprised at how international the freakout has been. Maybe not so much any more.

    • Timeloose

      That does not fit the narrative.

  33. Timeloose

    I’m missing out on a ska fest tomorrow night inNJ due to the COV panic. Show is canceled. Boo!

    • Urthona

      On the upside, you’re missing ska fest.

      • Timeloose

        Ouch!

      • Chipping Pioneer

        SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!

      • MikeS

        ??

  34. Tejicano

    I’m going to be missing the gun show which had been scheduled for three weeks from today. Bleah…

    • straffinrun

      You’ve already got any armory Canada is jealous of.

      • Chipping Pioneer

        Hey, spring is but two weeks away. Just watch for the gun show here!

      • Tejicano

        I was going to sell off a few items to get a feel for the market.

  35. straffinrun

    Walking around town with a mask on. Get to make all the perverted tongue gestures I’ve always wanted to.

    • Tres Cool

      But they still know you’re white.

      • straffinrun

        Yeah. Prolly should put some pants on.

      • Timeloose

        Nice.

      • Tejicano

        Naw, that mu-mu is really more your style!

      • Tres Cool

        Nah, he’s got Bette Davis eyes

    • straffinrun

      PSA at the end ruined it.

      • Rhywun

        You watched the whole thing?! You’re weird.

      • straffinrun

        It’s Wisconsin humor. It’s supposed to take a joke and beat it to death.

    • Rhywun

      If someone tries to elbow-bump me I think I’m going to blow a gasket.

  36. Mojeaux

    So, yeah, you know how I was happy that the library would be open Sunday?

    Not so much. Closed to the public. My alumna status isn’t going to get me in. ???

  37. Nephilium

    Good night you magnificent bastards. If I’ve got the Corona from traveling it’s the mildest thing ever

    /Nephilium died putting up this post.

    • Gender Traitor

      Alas! Poor Nephilium!

      ::mumbles:: Never did like that guy…

      • Rhywun

        *dibs on the beer cellar*

      • MikeS

        *dibs on the liquor cabinet*

      • mexican sharpshooter

        …always refresh

    • mexican sharpshooter

      *looks around*

      If he’s really gone, I call dibs on his beer cellar.

  38. Mojeaux

    “Pandemic.” Bullshit. The Spanish flu was a pandemic.

    ?????

    This fucker has officially inconvenienced me now.

    • Chipping Pioneer

      ^^^ THIS

      Spanish flu was serious shit.

      Coronavirus is what happens when Millennials get to vote.

      • commodious spittoon

        Raise the age of franchise to thirty. And the age of consent.

      • Chipping Pioneer

        And the age of consent

        Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Let’s not go making any rash decisions here.

      • commodious spittoon

        Trevor, Corey, smokes, let’s go.

      • Mojeaux

        I will backpedal a teeny bit and say that my niece and nephew are both very sickly children who live in Seattle, so I get my brother and SIL’s concerns and I don’t dare poo-pooh it on FB, but I think everyone can agree that this is also serious shit for the old, infirm, and immunocompromised.

      • straffinrun

        Eventually this will get so widespread that we’ll be better off putting the non infected elderly and sick in quarantine instead. I’m actually wondering why this isn’t the situation now.

      • Mojeaux

        I do have Reuben sandwich supplies, though, so it’s not all bad.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Funny, because elsewhere it’s millennials pissing and moaning because their little snowflake lives are interrupted for a short span.

      • Mojeaux

        ← GenXer pissing and moaning because my life is being interrupted for a short span.

    • straffinrun

      I’d say turn that frown upside down, but that’d be more freaky.

    • westernsloper

      Tell me about it. Assholes are making me go shopping in the morning because all online order pickup times before 2 PM are filled. Like I will be sober enough to drive to the store at 2 PM tomorrow.

  39. Chipping Pioneer

    Wife and I were discussing tonight. We figure that if everyone just stays at home and binges on Netflix for the next 2 weeks, this whole thing will pass. Economy will take a beating, but it will come back.

    Westworld season 3 starts on Sunday. I need to rewatch seasons 1 & 2 to get my head back around it.

    • commodious spittoon

      I heard the first season goes to shit after Hopkins went away. And that the second season is shit because HBO can’t produce anything but.

      • one true athena

        I think that’s from people who expected something very different from what the show actually is, tbh. which, fair, I guess, if you didn’t get what you wanted, but I certainly don’t agree with it. I also don’t agree with the dumb youtube takes “we figured it out, it’s so dumb!” — no shit sherlock, a thousand monkeys with typewriters are gonna figure out all possible iterations of the plot. SOMEONE will be correct, and if the story’s any good, lots of people will figure it out, because a good story is one that resonates, not something like the finale of GOT that turns to shit in its effort to be ‘different.’

        Anyway, S3 looks to be very different , more like what a sequel to Bladerunner 2049 would be, so if ppl didn’t like the ‘park’ aspects that’s been blown open.

      • commodious spittoon

        So going into it mostly blind on account of only having watched the first couple episodes, it’s worth plodding through? Do I get to see that heavily scarred villainous character get his comeuppance?

      • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

        In a sense. The first season worked because it was willing to go places in a nonlinear fashion and against type.

      • Festus

        + BOOBS! Haven’t even seen season two, yet.

      • Don Escaped ORD

        for us it was watching it together

        The production values are simply amazing. In the beginning, you’re learning the characters and curious. Eventually you get invested in your favorite people and feed on the plot and your speculations. West World is really good about keeping the layers separate and maximizing the mystery.

        But there’s just not any there there. It’s one idea, and they just refuse to do anything with the primary plot . . . or they do little with it.

        Lots of characters give lots of plot lines, but most of them just don’t add up. Each episode is more pointless and exhausting than the last. Then they start jumping sharks all over the place, plotlines flame out, tangents give you peeks at non-starters. . . . in short, the mystery is gone and the stupid has piled up too high.

        We’ll watch; she’ll probably last much longer than I will. I give them an episode or two to deliver meat and then I’m out of there; I’m not burning another ten hours on any hopeless plots.

      • Festus

        ^^^ This! It kept hopping around and never settled into a satisfying narrative groove. The last few episodes saw old Festus fidgeting like a five year-old at the symphony.

      • The Hyperbole

        Festus is right about Don being right. I bailed with only a few episodes left in season 1, just didn’t have any interest anymore.

      • MikeS

        Hyperbole is right about Festus being right about Don being right. Wait..what are we talking about?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Me too. I gave up then too.

    • Rhywun

      Amazon could gain some good will by releasing The Expanse S04 on BluRay.

  40. Festus

    Wifey went shopping today. The panic has reached us. She also has cold symptoms which might be problematic for her work. I told her to order a Leper’s Bell from Amazon and she was not amused.

    • Festus

      Also, both local Daughters’ overseas vacations scheduled for the end of the month are cancelled.

    • Tejicano

      LOL

      and

      +1 bring out your dead!

      • Festus

        That’s the ticket!

      • Shpip

        Nothing looks wrong with her lung capacity.

      • Festus

        “Eyes Wide Shut” vibe.

      • commodious spittoon

        I thought you meant Nicole Kidman.

      • Festus

        Oh, I always mean 90’s era Nicky IYKWIMAITTYD…

    • Festus

      Yowza.

  41. commodious spittoon

    Did I tell you all about going around central New Mexico seeing all the Old West towns where production companies shoot? There’s five little film towns we passed through just going shoot to shoot to do inspections. I was there taking measurements and sketching plans for the engineer responsible for compiling a report. We saw the town where Godless was shot, a town where Manhattan is being shot, something about an Astronaut series is filmed? I don’t know, and the town where an all-black western is being filmed. Really interesting. I had no idea these super stereotypical western towns are dotted all around my backyard.

    • CPRM

      town where an all-black western is being filmed.

      We need an
      *it’s happening gif*
      here if that movie is this.

      • commodious spittoon

        No, this movie has Idris Elba and many millions of dollars behind it, and sounds nowhere near as interesting as Johnny Black.

      • CPRM

        Well, I did just look around and it appears they were shooting Outlaw Johnny Black at the end of last year in California, so at least it is happening.

      • commodious spittoon

        First-world shock: I wandered down to Smith’s a block away to see if the lines died down. Yes, and so had the aisles. They were stripped bare. I ferreted a couple cans of italian-seasoned stewed-tomatoes from the back of the shelf, but they were lone little tin soldiers. No navy beans to be had. Not unless I was willing to dig into the pallets of wrapped goods stacked ten feet high, ready to reinforce their ranks. Pallets of food in every aisle to restock the canned good madness that swept through our dumb nation.

      • CPRM

        The Wal-Mart next town over (about 3,000 pop) and the Dollar General here (less than 600 pop) are both completely out of toilet paper. WTF is wrong with people?! There is no way that even if everyone everyone in the area went to stock up that it should all be gone. I was working 3rd shift all week and didn’t have time to pop into a store, I’m down to two rolls (which usually is at least 2 week supply but I’ve got someone else staying here for now so no idea how long it will last) So I grabbed some paper towel and a box of kleenex just in case.

      • Plinker762

        How many rolls at work?

      • CPRM

        Heh, I remember stealing TP from the public bathrooms in the college dorm. Alas, given what my job is, I know that I couldn’t pull that caper off at work.

      • Festus

        Boss makes a dollar and I earn a dime, that’s why I shit on the Company’s time…

      • Festus

        Poor college me did the McDonalds serviettes and even the yellow pages a time or two…

      • Festus

        Now that plastic bag bans are coming into effect we are going to see the perfect storm and the Plumbers will become Kings on this Earth.

    • Festus

      That’s funky! We have lotsa old mining towns that have gone to seed up here. Barkerville has been rehabbed but its a tourist trap, now. One of Wifey’s photographic specialties is abandoned farmhouses and barns. She makes some good coin by enlarging the images and fabbing the frames using distressed wood.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      something about an Astronaut series is filmed?

      Is that where NASA faked the moon landing?

  42. westernsloper

    Going to wash my hands…………….out

    • Festus

      Don King?

  43. Don Escaped ORD

    DJT45: living by the sword

    According the the DJIA, Trump’s administration is ahead of
    GHWB41
    JEC39
    RMN37
    HCH31

  44. Plinker762

    Theme song for the current times by replacing bomb with Corona? We Will All Go Together

      • Festus

        I dig a lot of Celtic music, just not the rowdy in yer face stuff. Feels like an aural whiskey bottle being smashed over my head. *Not a Rowdyman no more*

      • Plinker762

        My thought too, the archetypal Canadian Zombie

  45. J. Frank Parnell

    Current Status:

    Kids’ School: Closed for the next three weeks, probably back in session the week that was supposed to be their spring break, which means I’ve got to cancel my scheduled vacation at work and figure out how tf I’m going to work from home with boys running around trying to kill each other.
    Little League Baseball: canceled for the next ~5 weeks.
    Grocery Store: Crowded AF, may have to go get fresh vegetables this week but should be OK as long as I get <15 items and use the self-checkout.
    Community Easter Event: canceled
    Community "Farmers Market": Maybe still going on next week? If so, I'm going because fytw.
    Martial Arts Studio: No sparring, just punching/kicking bags and pads which are then wiped down after each class.
    Toilet Paper: 1.5 Costco packs and one more on the way.
    Booze: Trying to decide whether to open another wine bottle or switch to beer. May have to run out to BevMo and get more beer this week. Not buying from the grocery store since alcohol is not allowed in the self-checkout.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      Oh:
      Hand Sanitizer: Probably about two gallons worth of tiny pocket-sized bottles. Plus about 20 big containers of Lysol or Clorox or whatever wipes.

      • Festus

        I’m sanguine. I try not to think more than a month or two ahead lest I get fretful and jittery so I’m well positioned for a full-on Hair Afire Panic. We’re prepped food-wise but if water and electricity go out we’re fucked. C’est la vie.

      • commodious spittoon

        That’s why I keep two rounds in my revolver. One for me, and one for if I miss it.

        I’d keep more but I don’t want to give the coronazombies ammunition.

      • Festus

        The “Seth Rich Stratagem”. Well played…

    • commodious spittoon

      Bare shelves are a little creepy.

      • Festus

        Hysterical laughter over nothing is creepy. I’ve seen a few instances this week and I’m not a “people person” anymore. Folks are scared and whether its media-driven or an honest to Cthulu threat remains to be seen.

      • CPRM

        Wal-Mart was creepy, not only because of the bare shelves, but instead of playing music their was some guy talking about the virus. We skipped being scared and went straight zombie Apocalypse.

      • Festus

        I get it. I’m a nervous laugher when shit goes sideways, always have been, but to see it displayed in everyday situations is a little off-putting, to say the least. As I said, I’m basically a hermit and to witness that behavior in my few IRL interactions freaks me the fuck out. It’s not the Flu Manchu, it’s the knock-on effects.

      • Akira

        Bare shelves are a little creepy.

        As I was shopping tonight, I thought about what it was like for people living under socialism, when the stores were pretty much like that all the time. You just grab enough odds and ends to scrape together a meal. Scary.

        Anyway, I was able to grab a bunch of canned sardines, canned tuna, and dry milk. I got on Amazon and ordered 30 pounds of brown rice, a gallon of olive oil, and 8 pounds of lentils. Panicky reaction? Maybe so… But these are all things I eat anyway, so regardless of what happens, none of it will go to waste.

        Another good thing is that I have a ton of flour, polenta, oats, and various other grains in the house. I’m covered on the carb component of meals for a good 2 or 3 months.

    • Toxteth O’Grady

      There was still plenty of booze, from Claw to wine to liquor, at the supermarket today. Wonder how the dispensaries’ stocks are.

      • CPRM

        I bought two cases of beer and some Irish Cream. It is always very obvious I’m a bachelor when I arrive at the checkout.

        Beer
        liquor
        burritos
        pizza
        hot sauce…

      • commodious spittoon

        The local vastly overpriced alcohol place was empty. People don’t know their priorities.

  46. Yusef drives a Kia

    DEATH! DEATH! IS COMING!

    • UnCivilServant

      He doesn’t have an appointment, so he can piss right off.

      • commodious spittoon

        Shouldn’t you be fever somnabulant?

      • UnCivilServant

        I haven’t had a fever since monday, and I’ve managed to not be tired, despite not having enough sleep.

      • Festus

        Post Whoo-Hoo Virus zombie confirmed! Do you have an insatiable yearning for Braaaaaiiinnnnnsss yet or is that Stage 5?

    • Festus

      There’s a Mr. Death at the door. Something about reaping?

    • CPRM

      Yeah, my zombie apocolypse link has Johnny Cash sing about it.

    • Tejicano

      This is just one little wrinkle in the reason why I still plan to be back in the US in about three weeks. I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be going about my daily affairs with an assault rifle on a sling and a couple handguns in the open – and people around me thinking “not a bad idea..”

      • Festus

        Sadly, like many YouTube videos, licence does not apply in Canada.

    • straffinrun

      As always. You’d think by people’s reactions that they just found out they are mortal.

      • Tejicano

        In my experience just about all of them are extremely skilled at ignoring this huge, towering feature of life.

  47. CPRM

    Watching a lot of youtube videos because I ain’t got nothing else to do (well, I do, but I don’t want to do it). Been watching some Business Blaze videos, the same guy (Simon Whistler) that does Today I Found Out. In an earlier video he said he leans libertarian (although in europe he might not mean the same thing.) Then in the video I’m watching now he drops this bit that is glib worthy.

    • Festus

      I made it through about two minutes. Now I need to go downtown, snatch the glasses off some hipster’s face, shove them up his fundament, rub my ass all over his bald head and burn his ridiculous beard off with a Bic lighter. Did I mention that was sanguine? I’m an unreliable narrator. That was an affront. Made my palsied heart rate jump.

      • CPRM

        Funny you call him a hipster, he makes fun of them quite a bit. He’s just a bit posh.

        But come on. You gotta admit comparing shark meet to dolphin meet would play well here. Where as others would say ‘tastes like chicken’ or tuna…nope goes straight for the dolphin.

      • Festus

        Sorry. I’m a cranky old fuck and his presentation left me cold. Too many cuts. It was like watching Cloverfield sans pretty girls.

      • CPRM

        Yeah, not a fan of the editing (saying this as an editor, probably why I’m not a successful editor in current year)

      • Festus

        Fuck “current year”! You do an admirable editing job! Fight me!

      • CPRM

        Also, the video I’m watching now has the second ‘Epstein didn’t kill himself’ joke I’ve seen on the channel.

  48. Festus

    Pretty quiet around here tonight. Think I’ll bust out the old autoharp and regale the Glibs with what I had to endure for a year in elementary school. Enjoy! https://youtu.be/iCAmQkmBrj8

    • CPRM

      Digby and his not being around Friday nights. There ought to be a law! then again, my next days off are midweek. I really don’t mind the new job, but being pushed to third shift AND having rotating days off PLUS all I hear about being VIRUS!!!!11! is getting me kind of depressed.

      • CPRM

        Just watching the video at the beginning and thinking about all the claims how their would be no war if only women were the ones running the world.

      • CPRM

        Lebron James saying he plays for the fans. Hah!

      • Festus

        Giant kerfuffle over “Girl’s Trip” in my family. Most of the daughters don’t want to invite a certain sister in law. She’s brash, opinionated and actually a pretty cool dame. She’s also been part of their shared experience for twenty fucking years. I think it would be cruel to reject her but I don’t pull the strings. Women be vicious sometimes, yo.

      • CPRM

        well, I only have one brother-in-law, and it is very well understood in the family (except to him apparently) why I don’t talk to him. Don’t mix family and business, even if you’re doing it to help a ‘brother’ out.

      • Festus

        I’ve worked for both of my parents and it ended badly. Professional/Paternal boundaries get crossed if you don’t have an enemy in common. Wasted my most productive years propping up failed ventures and now I’ll die with a mop in my hand. Such is life.

    • Festus

      Ms. Grieves was hired to knock all the communism out of our spongy little brains put there by Mr. Brenner. She was a strange hybrid of Hippy/Right-wing that I’d never seen in the wild until I started frequenting Reason’s comment board some decades later. Mr. Brenner was Bernie and the harridan was a mix of Ron Paul, Ayn Rand and Hillary fucking Clinton.

      • straffinrun

        “Ron Paul, Ayn Rand and Hillary fucking Clinton”

        Earth, Wind and Fire.

      • Festus

        Can you get the funky groove from an autoharp?

  49. Festus

    Mr. Brenner was one of those new age teachers that cropped up in the early 70’s. Open classroom, sofas and the like. Let the child learn at xer own pace. Fucking bedlam after three months. He got fired in December and then came the boot stamping on every 10 year-old’s face, forever. God she was humorless. Reeked of cigarettes, coffee, cats and anger. Used to read us passages from “The Gulag Archipelago”. This was total kulturkamph on a class of roughly 30 kids. Her methods were questionable but by God, she did make the trains run on time.

    • Festus

      Why did you end up here you silly comment? Go back home where you belong.

    • CPRM

      *Wonders what life would have been like if I’d slept with that teacher that obviously wanted to give me a go when I was a HS Freshman*

      • straffinrun

        The under graduate.

      • CPRM

        I get the joke of the 40 year old virgin, but even being an ugly guy being a 36 year old virgin has involved turning down a lot of sex. If I was only out for sex and not committed to celibacy before marriage it would have been an easier way to go. This is what confuses me about incels.

        Then again, you’ve heard my voice. Maybe that’s why…

      • straffinrun

        Men aren’t “ugly”. I’ve seen guys that we’d consider “ugly” that could slay the hottest gals. I’d say the biggest feature physically that counts with most ladies is height.

      • CPRM

        I’d say the biggest feature physically that counts with most ladies is height.

        *stands on tippy toes and still falls short*

      • Festus

        Height is just one. Girls dig the “V” shape from shoulders to hips just the same way we react to the “Hourglass”. Of course there is always the “Charm” index. What works for some people might not work for you. Be Funny! Be Charming! Be You!

      • CPRM

        Girls dig the “V” shape from shoulders to hips

        You guys are just shitting on me now.

      • Festus

        Not a bit. Women dig broad shoulders and veiny forearms. They also dig assholes, so there is that. Be an asshole and get all the quim the world has to offer! Half-kidding about that last part… It’s all about reading cues until sometimes it isn’t and then it just happens. Who knows? I’m glad that you held off and waited, CP. A lot of it seems empty and soul-less to me in retrospect.

      • CPRM

        I have no regerts. My favorite Star Trek movie is Star Trek 5.

      • Festus

        I don’t face my pain (unless it’s early morning) I run from it. See that speck off on the horizon through the cloud of dust? That’s Festus, fleeing consequences. Consider yourself lucky, Friend.

      • CPRM

        The point (as I interpret it) isn’t to face your pain, but not blame it for your actions. Your experiences make you who you are. Sure you could have made different choices, but that won’t make you a better person by default. Rather than face your pain, you must accept that it made you who are. And the who you are is the only part you have control over.

      • Mad Scientist

        I have no regerts. My favorite Star Trek movie is Star Trek 5.

        Have you no shame, sir!?

      • CPRM

        Hell, I have a piece of shit little not-brother sleeping in my guest room who after he moved back in after getting out of jail promptly disappeared for 5 days, and notified when I went to bed this morning that we needed to have chat when I was up tonight. Went out to dinner and came back and he was still asleep. Started drinking and when he woke up to eat a huge pile of my chicken nugget supply he smelled like weed. I’m postponing that conversation, it’s about letting him make his own bad decisions and then pointing them out…or maybe enabling because I’m too depressed to give a shit. I don’t know.

      • CPRM

        Have you no shame, sir!?

        that’s kind of the point of the movie, no I do not.

      • Festus

        Well, you might know what your missing or on the other hand what you won’t miss at all… No judgement here, CP.

  50. straffinrun

    Boys still around? Reading your stories of empty supermarket shelves etc is just weird. Masks are a little hard to get by. Other than that, people are chillaxin. Part of it may be because we went through Fukushima a few years back and got acclimated to living with the invisible threat. We got hit about a month ago and I’m pretty sure the real numbers are huge. Nothing I can do about it other than the basics. *Shrugs*

    • CPRM

      Masks make my glasses fog up, I’ll take the flu PANDEMICENDOFTHEWORLD!!!!!111!!!!!1!!!!

      • straffinrun

        They sell anti fog for glasses. Not kidding. My co worker gave me some today.

      • CPRM

        I’ve tried that, it doesn’t do shit.

      • straffinrun

        It’s not gay.

      • CPRM

        Are you saying gays do shit? We’ll have to ask Rhy to chime in. (I’m implying do as in sex, so I’m accusing you of implying….)

      • straffinrun

        Gotta go with wherever the joke leads.

      • Festus

        That’s my Glib!

      • Festus

        Used to use that on old-timey single lens ski goggles.

      • Festus

        The first time I went skiing I doffed my rentals, walked down the hill and sulked in the lodge until it was time to leave on the bus. The tech had set my bindings ridiculously loose so that when I carved, my boots freed up. I was 14. I also knew that I smelled strange all of the time for some reason. Looking back, what 14 year-old doesn’t have an aura of desperate humiliation and dirty gym socks wafting around xer? This from a fairly popular kid.

    • Chafed

      I’m pretty pissed at everyone in my town. I went to the supermarket after work. It looked like a soviet era supermarket with better lighting and fixtures. People are buying stuff like the apocalypse is coming.

      • CPRM

        Are you saying it isn’t coming Rushun Troll?!?!?!?!!11!!!!

      • straffinrun

        Self fulfilling prophecy.

      • Festus

        Fuck them in the ear. I’m gonna endeavor to persevere. Fuck it. Panic all you want, I’ll not join in on your shennanigans.

      • CPRM

        If glibs were bigger I would plan this sort of thing on the regular to cause crazy stories.

        “Breaking tonight, baby shampoo is disappearing off the shelves. What we don’t know, live at 5”

      • Festus

        “Huge run on Preparation H and Cucumbers as CDC urges Gay men and certain Pornhub actresses to self-quarantine”

      • CPRM

        “Snickers cure cancer, but only when you eat 60 at a time”

  51. Festus

    Funny call out to the other night https://youtu.be/a3OkUqiDLCc I went to a lot of drive-ns and Saturday matinees when I was a lad.

    • CPRM

      same link as before with the women fighting in store.

  52. l0b0t

    Tales from the grocery wars.

    The truck that got fucked was finally docked and unloaded at 6:30am. Another truck arrived at 7am. Both had 22 pallets (our normal nightly delivery is 12 -15, 18 on a heavy night) that got pushed out onto the shelves by a very surly daytime crew (cashiers, bagboys, etc.). When I showed up at 11pm, everything was empty. It looked like those old photos of the Soviet era. We got no truck in on my shift as the warehouse is out of groceries. We’ll see what Saturday brings. People be stupid, yo!

    • AlmightyJB

      They should be going to the library instead.

  53. The Hyperbole

    6 am north-central Ohio Krogering update : There were 4 or 5 times the number of cars in the lot than usual, And although I told myself I wasn’t going in if that was the case my curiosity got the better of me, and the redhead at the Starbucks is a Honey, so I went in. Plenty of fresh fruits and veggies, The Deli and Meat dept had some empty shelves but there was plenty of food left, oddly the smoked sausages, kielbasa, and whatnot were almost gone, which seems odd. Plenty of Bottled water, the Ramen noddles were about 80% empty, And the Mac and Cheese area about half. All the Kroger brand frozen veggies were gone except Brussels Sprouts because people are idiots. TP was down to name brands but there were a couple dozen packages on the shelf (a 3 per customer limit is imposed) I didn’t check out the hand sanitizer and soap because I didn’t need any. I didn’t see anyone filling up their carts in panic mode. I think most of the extras were just people who had adopted my longstanding policy of going early Saturday morning to avoid crowds.

    • JD is Unemployed

      1100hrs GMT – JD still hasn’t been out shopping – might go on Monday. Has mild head cold and doesn’t want to panic anyone. Tempted to pony up for the £5 charge to have groceries delivered.

      • hayeksplosives

        I am an addict of grocery delivery services. If you you can afford the fee and the tip, well worth doing.

      • JD is Unemployed

        Tip?! Not in my country you don’t.