Biden Promises to Fix Climate Change if Greta Thunberg Lets Him Sniff Her Hair

by | Apr 20, 2020 | Satire | 348 comments

STOCKHOLM – Thunberg spoke about the possible deal at a press conference. “These past few weeks have been very hard for me and my family. Especially my sister, who was bitten by a moose. Mind you, moose bites can be very nasty”, said Thunberg. “It is a strange request, but I am willing to make a deal, especially if I can get a pony also”, she added. Biden was quick to react, saying that “if you’re paddling uphill and lose a wheel, how many pancakes can fit in a dog house? None! Because ice cream hasn’t got any bones.” Sources close to Biden have noted that he has been eating lots of meatballs and candy fish to prepare for the momentous day. Elsewhere in Scandinavia, Greenland’s parliament voted to change the country’s name to Shithole to discourage Trump from buying it. According to a statement from the country’s ministry of foreign affairs, “Greenland is not for sale at any price. We are a proud people and will accept nothing less than being rented on a competitive month-to-month basis. There will be additional charges for pets, smokers, and military bases.” Trump downplayed the affair, saying that he “was just looking for places to re-locate the CDC.” In response, Biden published a video in which he stated that “in this time of national Christmas, we must not allow white supreme pizzas like Trump to trample the Pringles of Toblerone that I and President The Rock Omaha fought so hard for, and if elected, I’ll get us out of Velveetanam”. Biden then stood up, put his hand over his heart, dropped his pants and sang “Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used To Be”.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

348 Comments

  1. Count Potato

    MSNBC/CNN/ETC have gone all in that the the anti-lockdown protesters are a bunch of right-wing gun nuts. Unfortunately, that isn’t satire.

    • Winston

      Lefties supporting lockdowns with a Republican in the White House. Things have changed.

    • straffinrun

      It’s not a “lockdown”. It’s a siege.

      • Grumbletarian

        National House Arrest.

    • Hyperion

      Not going to turn out how they think it will for them.

    • LemonGrenade

      I probably came close to getting myself fired at work for outing myself as in full support of the protests. I still marvel that the same people that were shitting themselves over the Trump administration are suddenly screaming for him to grind the authoritarian bootheel in harder. And the few people that *don’t* support the lockdowns are too chickenshit to admit it, so I got direct messages in support of what I said, but the assholes claiming that only ignorant gun-toting rednecks were in favor of opening up the state won the day in public discourse. Fuck these people. If they didn’t pay me so goddamned well, I’d quit.

  2. tripacer

    That was a quality line of gibberish.

    • Sean

      I want to believe it’s real.

    • Fourscore

      Where?

    • C. Anacreon

      Authentic frontier gibberish?

    • pistoffnick

      Authentic frontier gibberish?

      • pistoffnick

        5 minutes too slow
        story of my life

        at least I got Morris Day and the MTFKN Time on in another tab

        O-E-O-E-O

      • Tundra

        I saw it.

        And yes, excellent choice.

        I was fortunate enough to know Jerome Benton back then. What a great guy!

    • tripacer

      “if you’re paddling uphill and lose a wheel, how many pancakes can fit in a dog house? None! Because ice cream hasn’t got any bones.”

      It’s amazing.

  3. dontreadonme

    There is nothing wrong with Velveeta!

    • C. Anacreon

      Working for Rotel, are ye?

      • Gustave Lytton

        I always unconsciously look for the Shell logo on cans of Rotel.

      • Spudalicious

        That was seen, what was done.

      • Count Potato

        What does Japanese hi-fi have to do with cheese food?

    • SweatingGin

      There’s a lot wrong with Velveetanam.

      Shithole country

  4. DEG

    Biden was quick to react, saying that “if you’re paddling uphill and lose a wheel, how many pancakes can fit in a dog house? None! Because ice cream hasn’t got any bones.”

    That screwed up my suspension of disbelief. There’s no way Biden said anything that coherent.

    • LemonGrenade

      I’m using that as my response to every dumb question I get at work for the next week.

    • DEG

      I give it two weeks.

    • Gender Traitor

      Can anyone recommend a good hairdresser in Georgia?

      • Tres Cool

        I dont know if you saw me Saturday night- I dont remember much of Saturday night. However, I was able to score an illegal, back-alley, haircut from my barber.
        If you happen to fancy the GI Jane look, I got a number you can call…..

        ‘sup briar!

      • Gender Traitor

        I’m thinking the GI Jane look is not a good one for me. The last thing I want to do right now is cut off the hair that’s still red.

        I didn’t go to Saturday’s Zoom chat, and the Mr. just told me he’s spooked about what he’s heard re: Zoom security flaws, so unless we move to another platform, I’m afraid I’m out. : (

      • Brochettaward

        Would you reconsider for the natural splendor of my penis?

      • Ted S.

        For some values of splendor.

      • dontreadonme

        My wife is in serious distress about not being able to get highlights or botox. I tell her she is more beautiful than ever but that doesn’t matter. The world we live in.

      • Cannoli

        I actually found out about the reopening when my hairdresser called to see if Friday still worked for me. Our usual Chinese place just reopened for takeout as well, so it’s been a good evening. Here’s hoping everything else follows soon.

      • Viking1865

        I am about a week from a man bun, 3 weeks after my last scheduled haircut, which was missed. So its been 7 weeks since a haircut.

        My Chinese place stopped answering the phone six days ago. I really hope they can reopen. But I fear they cannot. Fuck Coonman.

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s only a man bun if you put it up. Let the hair hang down.

      • LemonGrenade

        Gave my hubby a buzz with the razor last night. Now he looks like a prison convict, but he’s happier.

      • Gdragon

        It’s been more than ten weeks for me and I honestly think that if I put pictures on Quarantinder even D.U. couldn’t help but swipe to the right. I’m like the lockdown version of Jimmy Johnson who isn’t in the Pro Football Hall of Fame but is probably equally deserving of it 😉

    • Rhywun

      Meanwhile, much of Europe is starting to lift their lockdowns.

      We’re not worthy.

      • Tejicano

        Except for Sweden. They never went on lock down.

        And now they’re extinct – NOT! (just short of 15k cases so far)

  5. Tres Cool

    Biden then stood up, put his hand over his heart, dropped his pants and sang “Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used To Be”.

    Why did that make me think of this classic from MASH ?

    • C. Anacreon

      The General was then demoted to Colonel and changed his name to Potter.

      His arrival as the new MASH CO after the death of Henry Blake was the beginning of the steady decline of that show, up until the final days where it had become the original definition of “woke”.

      • Tres Cool

        I concur. Initially, sticking with the original screenplay, it was funny. Then they let Alda write/direct too many episodes.

        See also- All in the Family when Archie gave CPR to the tranny.

      • Rhywun

        See also- All in the Family when Archie gave CPR to the tranny.

        All those Norman Lear shows were woke AF. I grew up with that stuff so I never noticed it then, but today… holy crap it’s distracting.

      • Winston

        I thought wokeness was something created in 2015 and all 70s, 80s, 90s and 00s pop culture was all apolitical plothole free stuff that every single person loved /Fandom Menace

      • UnCivilServant

        Rewatching MacGyver, I’ve found that if there’s an environmental message in the episode, I’m rooting for the guys trying to kill Angus.

      • Winston

        Christ man environmentalist messages have been in since the 1970s at least.

      • Winston

        Dang I thought hating on the rednecks was supposed to turn CBS libertarian?

      • Rhywun

        Heh, right. That happened before my time. A lot of that stuff went into syndication but TBH other than Andy Griffith and Hee Haw I didn’t care for most of those shows.

      • Winston

        Lear also started his career working for Lewis and Martin so “woke comedy writer” is far from anything new.

      • Mojeaux

        My dad used to rant on Norman Lear so much, but he loved Archie Bunker.

      • Rhywun

        I thought they could have made him git woke more gracefully and without Meathead and Edith banging him over the head with it all the time. Not to mention he was on the right side of a couple issues (the “affirmative action” episode(s) come to mind).

        But… fuck politics. He was hilarious.

      • Mojeaux

        He wasn’t supposed to pop up as the Everyman Hero. They may have gone heavy-handed to counteract their unintended consequences.

      • Tres Cool

        One of the lines seared in my head was when Meathead’s Uncle was coming to visit. He was a florist.
        Archie said “so tell me there, Meathead, what does a polish florist grow, anyhow? Weeds?”

      • l0b0t

        There is FANTASTIC episode wherein Archie gets stuck in an elevator with a pregnant Puerto Rican couple (Edith Diaz, Hector Elizondo), a well-heeled, tony, black man (Roscoe Lee Browne), and a panicked, hysterical woman (Eileen Brennan).

        When Archie mistakenly assumes the black man lives in Harlem, he is corrected with the claim “I sir, live in Larchmont!” He replies “Yeah? Well, I’m sure Larchmont is busting its buttons over that.”

      • JaimeRoberto Delecto

        Sis?

      • Tres Cool

        Again, like with Alda, I think Lear (citation needed) let Rob Reiner write/direct

        The earlier episodes (with the Jeffersons) were pretty good.

      • Winston

        I suspect, like Mojeaux, this was a reaction to Archie becoming a beloved figure when Lear wanted the audience to dislike him

      • Tejicano

        Sometimes I wondered if people liked Archie Bunker more than Lear expected because a lot of people have fathers/uncles (especially back then) who held and expressed similar attitudes. Even when the mainstream was starting to get more woke (to use current lingo) they still had a soft spot for their relatives.

      • Winston

        Fun fact: The reason Alda wrote and directed so many episodes was because he needed the extra money. The show taking on his personal politics was the result not the cause.

      • Mojeaux

        Huh. That is interesting.

      • Tres Cool

        Citation needed.

      • Winston

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Home-Stake_Production_Company

        Alda lost of ton of money due to this. Apparently his business manager invested in this without telling him.

        And notice that Rogers and Stevenson left the show and Alda began writing and directing multiple episodes just after this fraud was revealed

      • Winston

        The Wikipedia article doesn’t say this but I found something from Time in 1974 saying that Alda lost $145,000 in the scam.

      • Drake

        Wayne Rogers wisely punched out when Alda started taking over.

      • Mojeaux

        I love Wayne Rogers so much. He was more entertaining on Fox’s financial Saturday mornings than on MASH.

      • Chafed

        I remember seeing him on that show. What made him qualified as a stock picker?

        /Real question

      • Mojeaux

        I thought I remembered hearing that he was able to manage his acting money very well and parlayed that into a second career, but that was only half right.

        Rogers earned his fortune with Wayne M. Rogers & Co., the investment strategy firm he founded in 1971. The actor’s namesake company initially focused on providing business management services to other Hollywood personalities. His interest in this type of work began in his early days of acting. While starring in “M*A*S*H,” he saw actors losing a lot of money at the hands of poor or dishonest business manager.

        His friend and roommate, fellow actor Peter Falk, was one of them. Rogers was determined not to let that happen to himself, so he took control of his own finances and invested his money. When he started having some success, he began helping others, doubling as an actor and investment adviser to Falk and James Caan, among others.

      • Rhywun

        Oh no! I hope Columbo made out all right.

      • Tres Cool

        “Just one more dollar, ma’am…”

      • Drake

        Funny story about that – he never got around to signing a contract for the show. So when it became all about Hawkeye, he just left.

      • Mojeaux

        Dude was a bad-ass.

      • Mojeaux

        “in this time of national Christmas, we must not allow white supreme pizzas like Trump to trample the Pringles of Toblerone that I and President The Rock Omaha fought so hard for, and if elected, I’ll get us out of Velveetanam”

        Adorbs.

      • Winston

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Rice

        He ran for Senate, Congress, and President of the United States — dropping out of each race.

        He wanted to move on from his frivolous clowning, and reinvented himself into a gentleman. He started to take up politics and would often have Democratic undertones in his shows.

        ….

        Rice campaigned for Zachary Taylor as president, inviting him to campaign on the circus bandwagon, whence the expression “to jump on the bandwagon”.

  6. Scruffy Nerfherder

    My brain feels mushy now

      • Sean

        Never.

      • Sean

        Wait, we were talking about Charmin, right?

      • Tres Cool

        And to think it was fashionable for women to wear gloves in public in the 1960’s

        And now we’re back to….wearing gloves in public.

      • Sean

        Along with a TP fetish.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Can’t touch my face, can’t squeeze my brain…

        Too many rules

    • Tres Cool

      “it’s mine and Ill wash it as fast as I want!”

      • Brochettaward

        It’s my body and I’ll touch it as much as I want.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Report to John Houseman, stat!

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m disappointed at the quality of the photoshop.

  7. Not Adahn

    Greenland’s parliament voted to change the country’s name to Shithole to discourage Trump from buying it.

    Could’ve been an entire article on it’s own.

  8. Winston

    I’ve been out of the loop but has Greta done something lately?

    • Brochettaward

      Your Mom?

      • straffinrun

        Never gets old.

      • straffinrun

        Interesting. When do you think she was born?

      • Mojeaux

        ^^^ +1

      • straffinrun

        You guys will never end it. It’s the Herpes of running gags.

      • Ted S.

        I don’t know? I find Winston’s “I thought [xxx] was supposed to make everybody libertarian” shtick so tedious that the Winston’s Mom jokes are deserved.

    • UnCivilServant

      I presume she’s continued to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide.

      • Winston

        HA!

      • LJW

        Such a hypocrite… So typical.

  9. straffinrun

    Just like getting a wish from a genie. There’s always a catch. I’d bet Greta is bald.

  10. UnCivilServant

    If I hadn’t buzzed it off this weekend, I’d be ripping my hair out.

    I’m trying to read some of my work from a decade ago, and the awful writing just grates on me. The characters won’t stop bickering, the dialog hurts, and the descriptions are downright lacking.

    • straffinrun

      So, basically Glib comments.

      • Tres Cool

        YOU SHUT YOUR FILTHY WHORE MOUTH!

        You mean “basically TOS comments”, right ?

    • Sean

      Sorta ot: I downloaded Scintilla Vitae recently and started reading. I’m not too familiar with the universe it’s set in, but I’m digging it so far.

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s always heartening to hear someone entertained by my work. I’d wager that book reads very differently to someone who knows 40k versus someone who doesn’t. Hopefully there’s enough context in the book that the plot itself can be followed.

        How far along are you?

      • Sean

        Just after where he picked up his navigator, after the guild chastised him.

      • UnCivilServant

        Ah, okay, so pretty early.

      • l0b0t

        Did you once write something about lady space marines or did I dream it?

    • Mojeaux

      I’m trying to read some of my work from a decade ago, and the awful writing just grates on me. The characters won’t stop bickering, the dialog hurts, and the descriptions are downright lacking.

      I feel your pain.

      • UnCivilServant

        At least so far, I can pick up anything from Shadowboy on and just read it for fun. There is that consolation.

    • Sean

      I don’t think anything in our house came from there. Are you sure it’s a real place?

      • UnCivilServant

        Maybe once upon a time, but I’ve never seen one in the wild.

      • Drake

        Pretty common anchor store in NJ.

    • Rhywun

      Malls have been dying for a couple decades. Coronpanic might just kill them ded.

    • Urthona

      They were doomed before covid, though. Barely survived last year.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Needless Markupdown?

    • pistoffnick

      Luxury!

      Mr. Easterly, if you ever find yourself at the southernmost and westernmost part of Lake Superior, I will buy you a bottle of Chateau de Chassilier.

      Good day, sirrah!

  11. Ozymandias

    Thank you, Derpy! I got enough laughs out of it to feel like my subscription was worth the cost. 😉
    Some great lines in there; you really have Sniffy Joe’s cadence down.

    The only thing it was missing was a “HOW DARE YOU!”

    • Tres Cool

      whaddup de minimus Henry Rollins!

      • Ozymandias

        Lovin’ Life, Tres! And I like that moniker. It’s a bit wordy, but maybe… mini-Rollins? Or something?

      • Chipwooder

        Way back when, a guy who wrote for an underground newspaper at college went by the name “Big Glenn Danzig”, which always cracked me up.

      • Ozymandias

        Okay, I’m taller than him…slightly.
        /insert tallest midget joke here

  12. quincy

    I had a 1000 sheet box of parchment paper delivered today.

    • UnCivilServant

      Expensive response to the TP issue.

      • quincy

        $57 plus shipping

    • Rhywun

      Nice. There are sheets?? I’m near the end of a roll of it and it’s fucking useless because I can’t lay it flat.

      • quincy

        Big, 16″x24″, packed flat, staying flat.

      • quincy

        ULINE. sells them in regular sizes too. 2000 to a case.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Baking or writing?

      • quincy

        Keeping glue from sticking to the floor.

      • Sean

        Euphemism?

  13. quincy

    I had a 1000 sheet box of parchment paper delivered today.

    • Ted S.

      So did the squirrels.

      • Tres Cool

        are they baking?

      • Tres Cool

        +1 foolscap

  14. Derpetologist

    Not my usual commenting hours, but I figure I’d give y’all a visual aid:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRgNbis14pE

    Also, if you have any headline ideas, feel free to share.

    • straffinrun

      I liked this one. Red meat, but worked for me.

  15. dbleagle

    Recently we were debating what to call a male Karen. I propose that they are a Rolf. Remember Rolf from the “Sound of Music”? He was the telegram delivery boy who thought he became important when the National Socialists gave him a fancy uniform and a red armband. He was the shit weasel who blew the whistle tocall in the police when he discovered the hiding Von Trapp family. Rolf was the first movie Karen.

    • tripacer

      Corporal Upham?
      Gaius Baltar?
      Lando?

      • Derpetologist

        Why Upham? He was spoke German and French, found his courage, and killed the weaselly German at the end.

        Patton had 30 German interpreters and only 9 of them survived the war.

      • tripacer

        Maybe Karen will find her balls in the end too.

    • creech

      Maybe if Lisl had screwed him, he wouldn’t have become a Nazi? Probably turned out to be some Brownshirt’s buttboy too.

    • Derpetologist

      Niedermeyer

      “A *pledge* pin!? On your UNIFORM!?”

    • pistoffnick

      You are 16 going on 17…

      uhm, kind of creepy dude.

      • Hyperion

        Good fucking grief. Why ain’t you home, cunte?

      • Hyperion

        “a rare Screaming Purple-Haired Karen!”

        BTW, you deserve a prize for that. +1 internetz?

  16. Chipwooder

    I see Balko’s conversion to outright statist cunt is complete.

    • Viking1865

      It’s always disappointing when there’s someone who is so absolutely great on one liberty issue be a fucking tool everywhere else.

      • Chipwooder

        Yep. Radley Balko’s pieces at TOS were, by far, the single biggest reason I shifted from the knee-jerk, reflexive cop defending I had some for most of my life and began opening my eyes to the reality of widespread police brutality, venality, and arrogance. For that, I still must thank him.

        On virtually every other subject now, he’s a complete sack of shit.

    • Winston

      Wouldn’t be the first guy who thinks the cops suck when they aren’t beating up people they don’t like

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      He went off the deep end a while ago. Yet another fine man broken by Trump’s horribleness.

    • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

      Heh:

      John Blackout
      @ReigningBrain
      Replying to
      @radleybalko
      We get it dude, you’re gay

  17. Derpetologist

    As for the “pancakes in a dog house” line, that was a meme in 2009.

    In other news, here’s something depressing:

    https://blog.supplysideliberal.com/post/38485675949/qa-how-can-electronic-money-eliminate-inflation

    ***
    Having the same central bank with authority to issue both e-money and currency means the exchange rate between them is fully defensible.
    So a central bank with the needed legal authority can announce a track for the exchange rate between e-money and paper money.
    Announcing a track for the e-money/paper money exchange rate that has paper money depreciating gives paper money a rate of return below zero
    Just choose a rate of depreciation of paper money relative to e-money that makes its ROR less than Fed funds target & interest on reserves.
    ***

    Oh dear god, stop! No, we do not need an exchange rate between paper and electronic money!

    Can you imagine going to the atm, and having $100 deducted from your account while only getting $80 in cash? There are things so stupid only economists will think of them.

    Fear not, antidote to follow.

    • Ted S.

      As for the “pancakes in a dog house” line, that was a meme in 2009.

      Relevant

    • hayeksplosives

      Oh, hell no. They want to push us into e money everything so that they can track and eventually regulate purchases.

      • Mojeaux

        +1 green cash money

      • dbleagle

        Word Hayek. Word.

        The more they push for e currency the more I use cash when I can.

      • Derpetologist

        But just think – with no cash, strippers would have to wear those card reader thingies on their legs.

        Hope the extension cord is long enough. Don’t want the poor girls to trip!

      • leon

        Bitcoin cash.

  18. Derpetologist

    https://mises.org/library/digitizing-money-inflation-changes-nothing

    The linked video from the Federal Reserve has comments and ratings disabled.

    I liked this part:

    ***
    As a medium of exchange, a small amount of high-priced money can do the same job as a large amount of low-priced money. Perhaps the best we can say is that the existence of “add a penny, take a penny” cups suggests that too much money has been created, while the chopping up of Spanish dollars into “pieces of eight” hints that too little money exists.
    ***

    • robc

      Those numbers match pretty exactly with the Santa Clara County Stanford numbers.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Which frankly isn’t great. Over 95% still susceptible is long way from any sense of herd immunity.

      • UnCivilServant

        But when you factor in the higher infection numbers, the fatality rate and thus danger from the virus drops even further, making herd immunity less relevent.

      • Gustave Lytton

        And it’s back to the same point as where it started. The mortality rate has never really been the issue, it’s the hospitalization rate (which can indirectly affect the total mortality if resources aren’t available). At 95% are still susceptible, that’s a hell of road to go and keep it under overload numbers during that time.

      • RAHeinlein

        This is what angers me about the “best minds” focusing on cases (i.e. positive tests) versus hospitalizations, particularly ICU.

      • Viking1865

        Yep, and that’s why the current screeching by the media and the Dem governors about testing is such nonsense. There’s millions of people walking around with this right now, and they don’t even know they have it.

        It was good to be cautious 3-4 weeks ago. But with the data we have now, we can be a lot more comfortable with what this is: a fairly typical upper respiratory infection that will absolutely wallop the old and the sick, but that leaves the young and healthy either completely fine or varying degrees of “chicken soup and bed rest” ill.

      • C. Anacreon

        The screeching about how South Korea did so well because of ‘testing testing testing’ (still waiting for the 1-2-3 when someone says that, btw) is also way out of line. South Korea tested merely 02.5% of their population. The US is getting near that percentage of residents tested already, and has done millions more tests total than SK did. But to hear the average TV foof everyone in South Korea was tested on day one and they all lived happily ever after, unlike us with Orange Man Bad.

      • Brochettaward

        If the total infection rate is far higher, than the hospitalization rate is also far lower than previously thought. The point is far more people have been infected overall. There’s little evidence of the effectiveness of the restrictions in place.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Sorry, I should have said total hospitalizations. Yes, you’re right, the rate would go down. And yes, rates are far higher than the officials numbers. But they’re still much lower than getting to a level where unchecked spread won’t overload hospitals. Not necessarily total beds, but at choke points such as the ED or ICU beds.

        I’m wary of utilitarian arguments against the restrictions because it implies to a degree that there’s a point where they would be acceptable.

      • Brochettaward

        Smells like bitch in here.

      • robc

        German town study and one of the cruise ships give evidence that 15-20% is max susceptible.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Not sure about the German town study, but do you mean the Diamond Princess as one of the cruise ships? Because while that did have a roughly 20% positive rate, there was also a semi effective quarantine imposed, a total cock up of testing, and poorly conducted follow on surveillance. I wouldn’t trust those numbers. There’s also a difference between rates of infection and susceptibility. Viral load to achieve infection is at zero understanding at this point.

    • Tres Cool

      Yeah….cause they had it months ago, and went to their doctors with a cough that was non-flu, and identified as ‘some virus’.

  19. straffinrun

    Chapter 2:

    The landscapers worked from midnight as part of the social distancing guidelines. Guy and Julia would wait until their machines started buzzing until they made their break for it. “I’m scared, but I trust you, Guy” Julia admitted and thrust her paw into his through the bars. “Once we’re free, the first thing we’ll do is gorge ourselves on a bum’s vomit. I promise. No more celery or broccoli for the rest of our lives.” The main lights were out, the other rats asleep when the whirring of the machines started.

    Guy licked the hinges on his cage door to swallow the creaking sound and slowly inched it open. A rat three cages down scratched itself, but the lab remained asleep. Bathed in red light cast from the lab door’s warning bulb, the room felt warm and cold at the same time. One paw out of the cage at a time, Guy made his way until his his tail was free. Julia watched with bated breath as Guy scurried to her. He made a “V” shaped gesture with his paws and thrust his tongue out, waggling it up and down. Julia laid on her back and spread her legs wide. “No” he whispered. “Lick the hinges, you horny bitch.”

    One paw at a time, Julia was doing well until it came to her tail. A snag in the metal bars tore a slit down the side of it and she let out the faintest of screeches. The itchy rat three cages down rolled over and saw the two disobediently outside their bars. “Murderers! Murderers!” he blurted out and started yanking back and forth on the bars. Instantly, the other rats sprang from sleep and joined in the cacophony. “Murderers!” the refrain. Guy and Julia abandoned stealth for speed, bounded to the floor and made it to the lab door. “Guy, they hate us!” Julia cried. “Fuck them. They’re lab rats” Guy reassured her and they made their way out of the lab and tasted stolen freedom for the first time in months.

    ——

    The whir of the landscaper’s machinery kept causing Dr. Reddenpecker to lose concentration. O’Brien curled asleep at his breast, Dr. Reddenpecker lowered his head onto his keyboard. He’d be able to concentrate on the data after a short nap. High pitched wails from the lab room snapped the doctor’s head out of dreamland. “What the hell is that! O’Brien!” he yelled and sank a claw into O’Brien’s shoulder. “Go find out what in God’s name is going on in there!”

    Tomorrow

    Chapter 3: The Chase

    • Chipwooder

      Good, I’ll save that one for the next time some asshole starts hassling me outside the local Dairy Queen for not wearing one.

      • Brochettaward

        The Dairy Queen (long term, at least) is more likely to kill them than some virus.

      • C. Anacreon

        Since they eliminated butterscotch flavoring Dairy Queen is dead to me.

        Imagine, not being able to get a butterscotch milkshake at a DQ, it was one of their trademark features for decades.

        Now all their products must be co-marketed with other popular treats, such as Snickers shakes or Skittles sundaes.

        A DQ butterscotch malt with chopped nuts mixed in was one of life’s true sinful pleasures. And sadly, never to be indulged in again.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Wait–they ditched the butterscotch…? But…no. That’s the move of an asshole mad-man!

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      People shouldn’t be forced to wear them but it is a good practice and should be encouraged. Anyone saying they are ineffective is being disingenuous. Certain masks, N95s and the like, certainly help to prevent getting sick while the crappier masks and face coverings keep people from blowing saliva and snot all over the place when they sneeze and cough. Of course the surgeon’s mask types don’t filter out the virus but there’s more to it than that.

    • KSuellington

      It’s probably about 90% here of mask wearers out in public. I really get a kick out of the people driving with them on. I still am resisting even though our stupid bitch mayor decreed it yesterday.

      • Hyperion

        It’s maybe 50% here and less than 50% observing social distancing.

        I don’t drive with them on, that’s just stupid.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Taking one off and on is stupid. Put it on once and leave it on until you return home.

      • Hyperion

        Fuck that shit. Are you talking about a bandana? Or are you driving around with a N95 mask on?

        We take ours with us. Before we get out to go in the stores, we put them on. When we are back in the car, we take them off.

        I don’t get where you are going here?

    • Hyperion

      Regardless of how much good they do, one fact.

      Anyone who thinks the only people not wearing them or who thinks that the only people who are pissed about this are Trump fans, are out of their fucking minds and they are in for a very rude awakening.

    • blackjack

      Here in Los Angeles, the deaths are miniscule. The whole state has had 1200 deaths. There’s 40 million people in California. That’s .03% of the population. # hundredths of a percent. Tell me this all makes sense knowing that. The confirmed cases amount to .8 of one percent of the population. Odds of encountering this virus are very low. Then again, lottery tickets sell very well, so there’s that.

      • Hyperion

        Having had much time to ponder this. There is a certain small section of the population who are obsessed with seizing a crisis to enable them to impose their Malthusian dreams on the rest of us.

        There is now a much greater percent of the population who wish for the former to succeed, for a very different reason: We must get Bad Orange Man.
        There you have it.

      • LemonGrenade

        I don’t think this was ever about the virus. I think it was a test run to see just how soft we were how and much they could fuck with us. Order 22 million people out of their jobs and onto unemployment over the risk that 60k people might die? We never did that before, largely, I think, because previous governors knew they could *never* get away with shit like this. The majority of the populace not only approves at this point, but is begging for more. They wanted to see how soft we were, and knowing we’ll shit ourselves over a bad flu means they will lock us down again, whenever it’s convenient to bury a news cycle, conceal another terrible bit of legislation, or steal an election. We’re fucked, and my new hobby is off-grid prepper.

      • Winston

        This isn’t just in the US…

      • LemonGrenade

        I confess to a US focus. My hat’s off to Sweden for not losing their shit yet.

      • Hyperion

        “The majority of the populace not only approves at this point, but is begging for more.”

        Call it optimism, or call it careful observation.

        I think you are badly mistaken about the public perception and how this is going to play out.

      • Winston

        I hope you are right, but….

      • LemonGrenade

        I really hope you’re right. My perception is tinged by working for a news corp. And the majority of *them* are fully on board. Of course, they can all work from home, and none of them have lost their jobs yet, because we don’t depend entirely on local advertising. I’m sure when our revenue continues to decline, and the company starts laying off people to stay in the black, they’ll suddenly discover the concept of ‘informed risk.’

      • Winston

        Yep, I am worried that this coronavirus will be in the future considered the beginning of a very bad time…

      • straffinrun

        It’s never about the virus, or the terrorists, or abortion, or drugs or any of that. It’s about people with power succumbing to the itch to use force on any problem. Oh, and of course it’s about psychopaths that weave their way into government.

      • LemonGrenade

        Endorsed.

      • Tres Cool

        I dont want to claim to be prescient- but I called that a month ago. This whole exercise over not much of anything it’s just a dry run for November.

      • Winston

        What are you thinking might happen in November? Something about the election and Trump presumably?

    • Translucent Chum

      Woops. All immigration halted.

      • grrizzly

        Brilliant. If only Trump could ban abortions until the return to normal, the entire county would open up for business by Thursday.

      • KSuellington

        Agreed. He could also accomplish that by making it An emergency federal policy that all persons legal to own a firearm can concealed carry as they are in the militia. Stronger together.

      • Tejicano

        If they would add “..and all military veterans..” as the militia only includes military veterans up to the age of 64. (I’m not there yet but I’d like to be included)

      • l0b0t

        Yes, please! The Concealed Carry benefits given to retired LEOs and court officers is enraging when I’m over here with far more range time and training than a great many of them.

  20. straffinrun

    Is it time for Ancaps to do a victory dance yet? Or should we wait until the entire constitution is reduced to a pile of ashes?

    • mrfamous

      It will be rich when they start screaming (correctly) that Trump does not have the power under the constitution to do this. They will because “no shame,” but fair-weather constitutionalists are kinda the worst sort of hypocrites. At least Murphy admitted he didn’t care.

  21. straffinrun

    Whether on not Covid 19 is as dangerous as the government and it’s lackeys in media say it is, it really doesn’t matter. Let’s say there is an outbreak of a disease with much higher mortality/infection rates. Would that justify the government going full draconian? Sure, it’s fine to point out when the government uses fudged numbers to create panic. However, relying on that as the main argument against what the government is doing now is a a big mistake IMO. There will come a time when a real danger arises. Also, what if it turns out Covid 19 actually is as dangerous as they say? Would that justify what they did? Personally, I think it had the potential to kill magnitudes more than have already died. But my overall argument against violating human rights wouldn’t change.

    -Not really directed at anyone here. Just from watching the protesters and hearing their arguments.

    • LemonGrenade

      Agreed. My biggest fear is that, having demonstrated they *can* lock down a population over a predicted 60k deaths, that next, they *will* because, after all, around 60k people die of the flu every year and are you so heartless you’d kill grandpa before his time? We only have to print six trillion dollars and put 22 million people out of work to prevent the worst effects of a bad flu season. And everyone forgets that free will or informed risk were ever a thing and we all live happily ever after.

      • straffinrun

        I see an opportunity being not only squandered, but actually endorsing future actions by the government. “You can only rape me if you prove that you have to do it and you haven’t proved it in this case.” Basically what I’m hearing from conservatives.

      • LemonGrenade

        I’m very much hoping (but I know it’s fantasy) that the next wave of legislation across the states will involve codifying when the state can lock down the population and the answer will be “never.” You hear me? Fucking never. Grownups can decide to huddle in their homes if they so choose. Which is also why I’m heavily debating whether my hatred of cold weather is worth ruling South Dakota out of the candidate list of states I’d flee to from VA. Gee… a hot governor that won’t violate my freedoms in a cold and snowy state, over someone with the college nickname of ‘coonman’ that presumes to lecture me about racism and tell me whether my work is actually valuable to the economy. I’m leaning towards snow at the moment.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        college nickname of ‘coonman’

        Coonman!
        Sign the order, pen in hand!
        Save me!
        I’m together with your plan
        Save meeeee!

      • LemonGrenade

        Half the journalists at my company refuse to admit that ever happened, and instead clutch their pearls that the rednecks in the state keep bringing it up. “FWIW I don’t want to be in a world where “Coonman” is considered acceptable” Great, asshole, I agree, which is why I’m mad he’s not only our governor but that you continue to cover for his own racism whilst howling about the ignorant racism of anyone that would attack him. I hate that guy.

      • Tejicano

        Don’t forget he has the best armed security your tax money can buy but the only military issue personal arms you and the rest of the unwashed will only be allowed will be from the 19th century.

      • KSuellington

        I’m with you on fucking never. If this were truly the next septicemic plague then people would do it anyway. It’s truly not even close to that. I’m just (possibly naively) still holding out hope that when this blows over in some months more people might look a bit more askance at scientific models that predict doom.

        And yes, I am going to get some remote land and prep harder.

      • Q Continuum

        Just wait until some other sooper secret lab in China doing off-the-books illegal experimentation with smallpox forgets to close the Tupperware on their dead infected lab rats.

      • Rhywun

        I’m sure we can swing an additional six trillion dollars of debt every year.

      • Chafed

        If we all just look behind our couch cushions….

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I figured I’d have to be camping out on them at some point.

        /brother, can you spare a sofa?

    • blackjack

      You are 100% correct. Don’t make no matter how scary the threat, this shit ain’t right.

      • Q Continuum

        Yeah, and just like always, it’s a tiny minority of us that feel this way.

      • PieInTheSky

        I think for a truly scary ebola like thing a lot of people in general in a vaguely civilized would isolate without being forced

      • Tejicano

        /\/\/\/\ THIS is pretty much the point as I see it. Give us the unvarnished truth about the risks and make recommendations but don’t issue any orders you lack the authority for. If it was zombie-ebola with a 4 week asymptomatic period during which all infected people will be spreading the disease everybody would self-isolate without being told.

      • straffinrun

        And knowingly and intentionally spreading it? Manslaughter or murder. The lawyers can figure that out.

    • KSuellington

      I think we could have gotten almost as much of a flattening if we followed the Swedish approach more closely. Thankfully they did what they did and after this works its way out over the next months, there is one example that can be thrown back in the face of the duh clozure saved us all people. I especially like that Sweden is like some kind of shiny blond utopia to leftists, as they seem the majority of the keep it closed crowd. And of course, we can expect many upcoming Salon and Slate articles about how Socialist Sweden’s shiny blond healthcare system was the real reason why they defeated the evil virus.

      • LemonGrenade

        Agreed. Actually irritated that Trump keeps attacking Sweden for not locking down. Grateful he hasn’t actually given in to jackbooted jerkoff fantasies where the president has the power to suspend the first amendment, but annoyed that he keeps playing up Sweden as a failure. I bet in the end, they come out with less long term damage than we caused ourselves. I feel like we amputated our left leg to prevent a case of athlete’s foot, and everyone is cheering the decision.

    • Q Continuum

      Winston posted this in the previous thread and it’s good.

      https://www.aier.org/article/the-worst-public-policy-in-a-century/

      “Your food does not come from the supermarket. It comes from places like the world’s oceans and the Great Plains, mighty fields of beans, corn, and wheat, orchards, ranches, and the places that process your fish, veggies, and meat. Our cornucopia arises not from your need, but from the incentives of people to sow and reap, collect and harvest. The government destroyed those incentives by locking down and proving itself capable of just about anything at this point.

      Crops must be planted now to have a chance to mature before winter returns again. Calves, piglets, and baby chicks must be attended to now, not when some politician thinks we have enough testing kits or (increasingly irrelevant) ventilators or PPE or whatever.”

      So when we start experiencing food shortages and these ancient ills, those which we so thought we had left behind forever, start rearing their ugly heads again, remember what it was that caused it. The United States (or the “western world” if you prefer) does not possess magic dirt. It is not immune to the problems that plague most of the world; it may be slightly more resistant because of accumulated wealth and power, but it is not immune. If our leaders act like corrupt, third world, tinpot dictators, then the results will be that of a corrupt, third world, dictatorship.

      • Rhywun

        I was confused by that passage. We’re not locking down farmers or any part of the food chain that I’m aware of. Well, until someone gets the sniffles and entire plants are closed down. I’m not sure exactly what he’s referring to there.

      • Q Continuum

        Lock down the distribution, or the packing plants, or the mechanics that fix the harvesters, or the outlet selling fertilizer… etc. etc.

        It’s the question of the centralized economy and the information problem. It’s not possible for the government to know what is “essential” and what isn’t. They can’t calculate what kind of 10th order economic consequences there will be from any particular action. Let’s shut down 7-11. OK. Maybe 7-11 is the primary customer for some kind of beef jerky that goes under because they no longer have a buyer. Maybe that beef jerky maker is the primary customer for some small meat packing plant that can no longer stay operational without their revenue. Maybe ranchers don’t have anywhere to sell their cattle because the packing plant closed… Some politician saying “well, buying your Big Gulp isn’t essential!” just caused a major disruption in some part of the beef supply chain.

      • Rhywun

        It’s not possible for the government to know what is “essential” and what isn’t

        Oh, agreed!

        If we do get food shortages, well, buckle up.

      • mikey

        My grandson and fiance have a restaraunt. The rancher they *used* to buy their bison from is desperate. He sold only to restaurants who’ve stopped buying. He now can’t afford to maintain his herd.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        That is awful for everyone, including the bison. Damn.

      • straffinrun

        Thx. I’ll check it out when I’m done washing my undies.

  22. Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

    Poontangers

    /Sorry (not sorry)–just trying to lighten the mood.

    • straffinrun

      Rosa Skate Parks.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I want to think she would approve, as I most certainly do (their actions, and your riff).

        Something tells me that, in today’s climate, she’d be scolding them.

    • Plinker762

      I miss working on the flightline. 🙁 Working around the B-52s was like going back in time. Even with the updated avionics, it was still like going back to the 50s inside them.

  23. straffinrun

    If you want the ultimate nut punch, google Duncan Lemp.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        There is a metric fuckton of fuckery from the po-po on this. It’ll all be swept under the rug, with gleeful help from Big Gov cheerleaders, due to this:

        Many people online have suggested that Lemp was targeted for a raid because he was helping to build a secure computer site for people who shared his [pro-gun] political beliefs.

        Presuming this is true, the usual anti-police leftists will soon be saying, “Now, hold on a minute…maybe he provoked them, and got what he so obviously deserved.”

        Can’t have people supporting gun ownership–that’s strictly for agents of the State.

      • Rhywun

        I wonder if any reporter was curious enough to follow up and find out why he was “prohibited”.

      • Tejicano

        “Lemp, though prohibited, was in possession of firearms”

        As usual, the article doesn’t say anything about why he was prohibited from owning firearms. The article does say none of the family at that residence had a criminal record. There are a few other reasons why the government will prohibit gun ownership so I wonder why that reason wasn’t stated. Sounds like they are just carrying water for the LEO’s.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I’ve read that he had juvenile convictions (unknown violations, probably due to sealed records), that prohibited him from owning until age 30.

        Never heard of that kind of time-frame for possession bans. Must be a MD thing.

      • straffinrun

        Yep. That’s why he was denied his rights.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I read that at least some of the statements about what happened–I think to the police, after the shooting–came from “the other room occupant”. That would most likely be his girlfriend. The thing is, what they are reporting makes it sound like she was somewhat ratting on him.

        Everything seems too vague to really get good answers, so I could be way off. Then again, someone was the original narc on him. Plus, why did they wait 3 months, but go in for a no-knock? If he was possibly dangerous enough to need that, why did they give him three months to hurt someone? When he didn’t, why did judge Rubber McStampface sign off on it? Can that shit-heel be recalled/voted out?

      • Chafed

        I can do better than that. I represented a former cop/former special forces who got a no knock raid from information over a year old. A local judge read that and still signed the warrant.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Fuck dat judge. How did it go, btw?

      • Chafed

        Long story short: trial court didn’t grant suppression of evidence but the appellate court did.

      • Grumbletarian

        He described Lemp as a libertarian who frequented the 4chan and Reddit message boards, sites popular with internet trolls.

        Now there’s a crucial detail! Thanks, ABC! Good shoot!

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I take it their message boards are troll-free.

        ::eye-roll::

      • Not Adahn

        Ever since they turned off comments, absolutely.

  24. Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

    She’s the trifecta: Ugly, stupid, and evil.

    • Chafed

      Another feel good story. Thanks for sharing and thanks for introducing me to that site.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        You know it!

  25. Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

    Oh, Jazz–so close, and yet, so far.

    Here’s a question for all naysayers: if our rights aren’t absolute, does that mean that government power is? That IS what you’re trying to say, right?

    Who the hell am I talking to??

    • PieInTheSky

      if our rights aren’t absolute – first one must agree which these rights are

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        This is true. Plus, talking about the framework (negative vs positive), etc.

      • CPRM

        Housing, food, healthcare….

    • Gustave Lytton

      In fact, the constitutional guarantee of civil liberties is not absolute, and its abridgement is not necessarily an act of tyranny. Dangerous speech — falsely shouting “fire” in a theater and causing panic, in Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.’s pointed example — is no more protected than dangerous assembly.

      And where did he say that, Wapo? That’s right, in Schenck, another wartime abomination like Korematsu, where SCOTUS took the Constitution into the toilet and wiped their ass with it because the big bad wartime bogey man scared the spineless POS trolls in black robes into ignoring the plain fucking words on the parchment. Fuck fuck fuck. Democracy dies in the darkness because Stasi fellating fake news like Wapo turns out the goddam lights so no one sees what’s going on.

    • Tejicano

      Just to be the pedant in the room… The US government’s power is pretty much unlimited but their authority is supposed to stop where our rights begin.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Well, I was conflating. ?

      • CPRM

        The US government’s power is pretty much unlimited [outside of the borders of the US and over non-citizens within the boarders] but their authority is supposed to stop where our [US citizen’s] rights begin. /true pedant

      • Gustave Lytton

        The 10A’s reservation of powers not delegated, belong to the states and the people would seem to challenge that.

    • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

      That IS savage. She can rot.

    • CPRM

      Plays poorly for both. Too bad I’m not some rube in flyover country in a swing state that could be convinced to vote for Trump if he did things I agree with…

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Since he’s the incumbent, I doubt there’s all that many swing voters not already decided about him. If that’s true, it brings into question what the point is, other than to dunk on her.

        She can still rot.

      • CPRM

        Wisconsin elected a retard school union president Gov after it swung for Trump, it’s swinging like foursore’s balls here.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        HahahahEwww….

        I mean, uh……whatever doesn’t get 4×20 after me.

      • Plinker762

        Be careful, I think he has dogs which shoot bees out of their mouth when they bark

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Is his real name “Monty”?

    • Tejicano

      “Let them eat sherbet”?

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Non-dairy frozen treat.

  26. CPRM

    Yo Diggus! Got to be at work for two days! 3 days off, woot!

    • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

      Dayum! How’s it been to be back there? Any….’good luck’?

      • CPRM

        I was on the same shift as her for the first time since shit hit the fan…I did tell her a joke that got a laugh, but otherwise chickened out. But that has made me determined to go kamikazee before I’m layed off again in the beginning of May. Nothing Left To Lose.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Oooh…Well, God bless in the endeavor!

        I’m still holding onto that ‘request’ I mentioned a while back, should things ‘take off’.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Eh, I can’t bait here.

      • CPRM

        I bait a lot. Like a champion fisherman. For the first time ever my cowardice isn’t only coming from personal cowardice, but also fear of HR and department guidelines…but it is the end of the world. (I bet that’s not the link you thought!)

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        You would be correct, as I didn’t even know it existed.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        To be fair, I try not to get singing things, shared or not….

  27. KSuellington

    Where now for those who value liberty? That which for us men, women and all other genders has taken a brutal prison beat down and ass rape. How will this shake out? Who are the winners and losers from this? Yes, we will all be poorer. Likely many more may die an earlier death due to it than the virus. It will make the upcoming election even more popcorn worthy.

    • CPRM

      Why do you want to kill my grandma who is already dead!?

      • KSuellington

        God bless our dead grandmas

        (I had one great one that I still miss)

    • CPRM

      …something something omelettes…something something ordering at Denny’s…

      • Gustave Lytton

        $5 Grand Slam for every man, woman, and child in America?

      • CPRM

        Fuck the Gold Standard! Implement the Denny’s Standard! They’ve had the most stable prices of any commodity.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I like Denny’s, but…does $5 still get you the same amount as it it did….oh, say, 25 years ago?

        Also, I can has Dawn breakfast?

      • CPRM

        She wears a cross, but not a crucifix, that means she’s DTF IMO.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        You may be right. Also, I just figure out why her nostrils are problematic–reminds me of spousal best friend.

  28. CPRM

    Governor Fuckface releases vague plan.

    MADISON (WLUK)

    For the first time, Gov. Tony Evers is laying out a specific plan for easing the “safer at home” order and allowing closed businesses to reopen.

    The “Badger Bounce Back” plan unveiled Monday lays out three phases for a reopening. Evers says the plan is based in part on the guidelines issued by the White House last week. Evers says Wisconsin does not currently meet those guidelines.

    The plan starts with a 14-day decline in positive tests for the new coronavirus as well as reports of respiratory symptoms. The state will also need to make sure hospitals have the capacity to treat patients while keeping health care workers safe.

    The plan also includes a goal of 85,000 tests per week, or about 12,000 tests per day. For comparison, from April 12-19, 10,412 total tests were completed. Earlier Monday, the state announced plans to increase testing capacity.

    The state is also looking to add 1,000 people to help with contact tracing. The goal is for each person who tests positive to be interviewed within 24 hours and to have everyone they had contact with interviewed within 48 hours.

    The Badger Bounce Back plan includes requirements that will allow businesses to reopen in phases as benchmarks are met.

    Last week, Evers extended the safer at home order through Memorial Day, May 26.

    State Rep. John Nygren, R-Marinette, had some criticisms of the Democratic Evers’ plan. He issued a statement which read, in part:

    The Governor’s plan calls for 85,000 tests a week, but Wisconsin has only done 51,102 tests since the start of the public health emergency,” said Rep. Nygren. “How does the Governor plan on increasing testing capacity so significantly? Is there enough demand to even reach 85,000 tests per week? Currently, Wisconsin has the capacity for 7,238 tests a day, yet only 1,433 tests were reported today. The Governor’s administration even admitted that demand for current testing is nowhere near the 7,238 in capacity they have currently. So, why the need for 85,000 a week? This plan leaves more questions than answers.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        What I wouldn’t give for a Becky right about now…

      • CPRM

        I hope you noticed the source of that video link so can be aware of bias.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Right now; just noticing thicc. But, yes. ??

      • JD is Unemployed

        Huh? Alls I saw was a low quality video of some guy apparently called Jim Evers or something like that. ’tweren’t no thicc I tells ya.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        No–I was just doing a semi-callback to wanting a “Becky”; being fixated on a thicc search. I realized I hadn’t quite thought out my verbage after writing it.

      • JD is Unemployed

        Alls well that somethings well, thiccxated Digbert.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        ??

      • JD is Unemployed

        UK lockdown has no end in sight. Tyrants gonna tyrant.

      • JD is Unemployed

        Squirrel Biden is in charge of putting the posts in.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Sort of putting the ‘sick’ in ‘Sic semper tyranis’.

      • JD is Unemployed

        Consider that stoled by me.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        ?

    • Trials and Trippelations

      Hey y’all

    • Gender Traitor

      Morning, UCS & T&T. How are both of you this morning?

      • UnCivilServant

        Oh, and it’s password change day, so I’ll be typing the wrong password for the next week.

      • Gender Traitor

        I was just thinking that yesterday. Non-payroll weeks late in the month (after all the monthly reports to the Board are done) get pretty boring. The main thing that saved me yesterday was that UnreliableCoWorker (hereinafter known as UCW) called in sick again, so I had to back her up on several of her daily gotta-do’s. If she’s off again today, there’ll be additional tasks that won’t be able to wait for her return.

      • UnCivilServant

        I have the problem that I like to do a good job and be able to take pride in my work output, even if it’s completely useless. We have a number of significant things that need to be done but can’t get done because we don’t even have enough people to just keep the darn place running.

        With the way the wind has been blowing, I could end up being the only peoplesoft administrator for seven or eight enterprise sized applications. Last time I was the only one left, it was for an infrastructure a third the size of this, I got to the point where I was snapping at help desk agents and antacid was one of my major food groups.

      • Gender Traitor

        Yikes! Have you had recent layoffs or furloughs due to the state shutdowns, or have you always been short-staffed? (I know, I know – “why not both?”)

      • UnCivilServant

        We hire consultants to get up to short staffed. People leaving for promotion or retirements combined with not renewing consultant contracts to save money short term means we bleed expertise and institutional knowledge. They refuse to hire, and even when we do get someone, it takes a year or two to learn peoplesoft because no one knows it coming in.

        So far no furloughs or layoffs.

      • Trials and Trippelations

        Good. Waiting for the shift to change then head home.

    • Sean

      Good morning all.

    • Rhywun

      Why am I up?

      • UnCivilServant

        Insomnia? Caffiene? Having gone to bed too early?

      • Rhywun

        Nah. Just woke up early. I guess I’ll catch up on sleep during the day as usual.

    • Gender Traitor

      The ceremonies will be two hours long, Weisberg said, shorter than the usual six-hour weddings.

      Wow! I thought only Hindu weddings were that long! (Usually longer, IIRC.)

    • Rhywun

      Wedding venues are non-essential.

      OK, then.

  29. Trials and Trippelations

    NC’s gov has not weighed in on his cower in place order that expires April 29. A few NC beaches opened albeit with ridiculous restrictions.
    The Outer Banks was closed off to nonresidents early in March. Dare County is going to open the Outer Banks back up in a few days.
    Good signs. Hopefully, I can salvage my family’s canceled camping trip

    • Gender Traitor

      Would this be the start of tourist season in that area? I would imagine it would be a huge economic hit if restrictions prevented that. The hits just keep on comin’.