Friday Afternoon Links

by | Apr 17, 2020 | Daily Links | 391 comments

Happy Friday afternoon, y’all. I have an interview this afternoon, so I’m going to have to put off my first cocktail of the weekend until after that. Hopefully, this company will want me and I can get away from the cloud of uncertainty that is my current unemployment situation.

Florida Company files lawsuit to get their car wash sanitation facility classified as essential.

Huh, monkies have colonized an Indonesian government office. I wonder if there is more or less useless fuckery going on now.

Who, during the lockdown, hasn’t wanted to kill a family member?

Minnesoda maiden of native ancestry, brutally tossed from job.

Musical selection courtesy of Mad Scientist.

About The Author

Brett L

Brett L

Brett set out to find America, the real America, the America of strip malls and serial killers, of butthole waxing and kelp smoothies, of cocaine and maggots. He sought it in the most American part of America—Florida: swamp gas and fever dreams, where love arrives on a rickety boat and leaves when it doesn't have the money for its fourth abortion. Oh, where has Brett gone? He’s drinking at the neck of America’s wang, chewing its foreskin and working its shaft. Brett is becoming legend. Brett can never die. Brett can never die. Brett is America, facedown in his own patriotic puke: the red his blood, the white his stomach lining, and the cold, cold blue his gas station slushie, spiked with coconut rum and tetracycline.

391 Comments

  1. Tres Cool

    Take the cocktail in with you.

    And dont wear pants. That should make an impression.

  2. SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

    Who, during the lockdown, hasn’t wanted to kill a family member?

    Neighbors? Yes. Family? Eh.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I stay away from family so I’m not tempted.

      • bacon-magic

        ^

  3. The Late P Brooks

    Huh, monkies have colonized an Indonesian government office. I wonder if there is more or less useless fuckery going on now.

    Either way, I’m sure Disney is negotiating for the screen rights.

    • AlmightyJB

      Government efficiency up 5000%

    • Fourscore

      When did they first notice this? My guess it was case of mistaken identity

  4. Q Continuum

    Did the bodega owner cough at some point in the last 6 months?

    If so, Kung Flu victim.

  5. The Late P Brooks

    Minnesoda maiden of native ancestry, brutally tossed from job.

    Womynz of Color hardest hit. Take THAT, racists!

    • leon

      Has Liz Warren been reached for comment?

    • hayeksplosives

      Sigh. It’s inevitable that this day would come. She lasted longer than I guessed.

    • Rhywun

      I can’t believe they managed to scrounge up a Democrat to support this.

  6. CPRM

    North Dakota state Rep. Ruth Buffalo (D), have called the woman’s image racist. Buffalo told the paper the image goes “hand-in-hand with human and sex trafficking of our women and girls.… by depicting Native women as sex objects.”

    I thought it was only us sconnies that got a chubby while looking at the butter aisle.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Oh just shut up

    • Not Adahn

      Last Tango in St. Cloud?

    • Viking1865

      Ruth Buffalo’s favorite movie is Last Tango in Paris apparently.

    • Chafed

      She has a vivid imagination to believe the Land O Lakes maiden is a sex object.

      • Ted S.

        Rule 34 suggests it’s a sex object for somebody.

      • Spudalicious

        You’d butter that squaw up. You know you would.

      • The Last American Hero

        You do know about folding the box strategically right?

      • C. Anacreon

        I wondered if anyone else knew that old trick.
        Nice knees!

      • C. Anacreon

        I wondered if anyone else knew that old trick.
        Nice knees!

  7. Aloysious

    ~”…so I’m going to have to put off my first cocktail of the weekend…”~

    Terrible.

    Of the two liquor stores here in Nampa, only one is open. The one with the all female staff.

    Bought a bottle of 14 y/o scotch.

    • Not Adahn

      I’ve got a bottle of 15 year old that isn’t particularly good to be honest. Talisker 10 kicks its butt three ways from Sunday.

    • Spudalicious

      Oban?

      • Nephilium

        Posted earlier, but holy water?

      • Aloysious

        Hi Spud.

        Glenmorangie. The Quinta Ruban. Never had it before, and I wanted to try something new. I’m tasting berries and chocolate.

        *gurgle gurgle*

        This could grow on a guy.

      • Spudalicious

        I forgot they did a 14. Finished in port barrels should make it very drinkable.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Are you sure you didn’t buy a Scottish 14 y/o lass?

      • Aloysious

        Yes. No. Wait. Definitely no.

  8. Yusef drives a Kia

    Land o lakes sells out, how sad, lost another customer

    • hayeksplosives

      Go Kerrygold and never look back.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Does it have an alluring soulless ginger on the packaging?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I hope so, they are my favorites…..

      • R C Dean

        Pretty much what we did a few years ago.

        As far as packaging, you will have to do with a thicc Holstein. Rule 34, amirite?

  9. whiz

    Huh, monkies have colonized an Indonesian government office.

    How racist. No, wait…

    • RAHeinlein

      Are you and yours still safe and sound in Ames?

      • whiz

        Yup, I’m working from home (just gave an online exam last night to 100+ students), and my wife is fighting the good fight to keep people from shutting things down any more.

        She lost today — the person running the county animal shelter took it upon themselves (without getting approval from the board of supervisors) to unilaterally stop adoptions (“so staff won’t be put in harms way”), even though around the country it’s a good time because people are at home and can spend more time with a newly adopted pet. It’s not like they are being overrun with people, and if they stop adoptions, the animals will start to pile up in the shelter, and some good opportunities to adopt will be lost. Anyway, my wife forced a discussion of this today, but the other two supervisors decided to go along with the head of the animal shelter.

        Another part of the discussion was that the original emergency order the board passed a while back (which implements a generic emergency plan that’s more suited to short-term emergencies like tornados) did not specify adoptions as essential (even though my wife tried to get it amended it at the time so that they would be). So the reasoning was that the animal shelter could do that without direction from the board. The board could have overruled that today, but wouldn’t. Sigh. Now my wife wants the generic emergency plan re-evaluated, but good luck with that given the current feelings of the other board members.

      • R C Dean

        Have the fucking board members start euthanizing the surplus animals and loading them in the incinerator, and see how long it takes to change their tune.

      • whiz

        The thing is they really want to be as close to a no-kill shelter as possible, but don’t act accordingly.

  10. Tundra

    Hi Brett!

    Good luck with the interview!

    So disappointed with Land ‘O Lakes. What a bunch of pussies.

    Dudes of a certain age can remember a clever way to have her boobs appear behind the box she is holding.

    Hah! Here it is!

    Yeah, we never grow up.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Silly!

    • RAHeinlein

      “the Land O’Lakes butter packaging boob trick is sure to please kids and (juvenile) adults alike”

    • Suthenboy

      Someone had some time on their hands.

    • DEG

      Good luck with the interview!

      Seconded.

    • JaimeRoberto Delecto

      Nice rack, but way too much work. Thankfully there are easier ways to see boobs these days.

    • Lackadaisical

      Sexy knees.

  11. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Media Still Doesn’t Understand Why People Hate Them or How I Learned to Love Writing Headlines

    Teenage girls who stabbed and shaved neighbour they suspected was a rapist avoid jail time

    Two girls who wrongly accused a man of being a rapist and beat, stabbed and shaved him have avoided more time in custody after they were sentenced in the ACT Supreme Court.

    The court heard they had been smoking ice, when, for an unknown reason, they concluded that the man who lived in a nearby unit was a rapist, and decided to act.

    The pair went to his home and forced him to sit with his hands on a table, before one of them hit the table in the middle with a small axe.

    The man’s hands were then tied behind his back and one of the girls stabbed him with a needle.

    When the man tried to run away, the pair caught him and took him to the bathroom of another unit.

    He was punched and kicked and made to take a shower, before the girls shaved him and cut his hair.

    • Mad Scientist

      They seem nice.

    • hayeksplosives

      Totally would have been reported the same if the genders were swapped.

    • grrizzly

      Why is it about the media?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Because an accurate headline would have said “innocent man” instead of “suspected rapist”

  12. The Late P Brooks

    DO WHAT WE SAY

    The World Health Organization issued a warning Friday about coronavirus testing, saying there’s no evidence serological tests can show whether a person has immunity or is no longer at risk of becoming reinfected.

    “These antibody tests will be able to measure that level of serology presence, that level of antibodies, but that does not mean that somebody with antibodies” is immune, said Dr. Maria Van Kerkhove, head of WHO’s emerging diseases and zoonosis unit.

    There is no cure. There is no end point. REPENT, the end is here.

    • Nephilium

      Man… talk like that makes me think you may just be one of those science deniers.

    • hayeksplosives

      Thank goodness I have the government to tell me what to do.

    • Suthenboy

      Organization that has shit all over its credibility doubles down.

      Genius.

    • The Other Kevin

      Finally, the long awaited follow up to the hits “It’s Not Contagious” and “Cancelling Flights is Racist”. How do they keep doing it folks!

  13. Suthenboy

    What the hell is racist about the butter girl?

    • tarran

      Asking for explanations is what white supremacists do.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        so anyone can just come along and wreck a Registered Trademark eh?

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      its why I could always find it, now, Kerrygold it is

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      She encourages trafficking of Native American women.

      Don’t ask me how, I just deliver the rationale.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Uffda. In the last few years, the new narrative is that there is an epidemic of missing native women.

        In fact, I sort of agree with the thesis. There are a lot of native women that are disappeared. Where I differ with the SJW narrative is who is killing them and why law enforcement isn’t more concerned about all of this.

        If people were honest, they’d admit that the women are being beaten and killed by native men. And the reason law enforcement doesn’t care is because the reservations have their own tribal law enforcement and they are pretty much reflect the view most natives have that women are second class. And the tribe won’t let white eyes onto the res to investigate.

      • The Last American Hero

        ^this. In addition many run away from these circumstances and never want to be found again by the abusers.

    • Mad Scientist

      Any corporate logo that is not white is racist. Any corporate logo that is white is only white because of a lack of inclusion and diversity and is therefore racist.

    • hayeksplosives

      She’s pretty, and it’s implied that she is offering up herself to be exploited for her beauty.

      The manufacturer considered replacing here with a more accurate depiction of a Native American woman, but a dumpy dirty faced, ripped stretch pants, with meth teeth and a bottle of brown liquor in a bag, but the new vision didn’t go over well with focus groups.

      • Suthenboy

        I laughed.

      • SandMan

        #metoo

      • Spudalicious

        Larf.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Having grown up next to the res, I hate to say it, but there is a definite Sell By date on native women. In high school we had a bunch of good looking Ojibwe gals in our class. But they were doomed because every guy in class knew that by 28 they’d pretty much be dumpy blobs. An older good looking Ojibwe woman might be even rarer than a Libertarian woman.

      • Fourscore

        Put an eastern Indian woman on the box. Cows are sacred and the butter would be a gift from god.

    • ron73440

      I don’t know, but the boob trick was funny as hell.

    • bacon-magic

      It’s not what…it’s how.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Earlier this week, WHO officials said not all people who recover from the coronavirus have the antibodies to fight a second infection, raising concern that patients may not develop immunity after surviving Covid-19.

    Everyone who is exposed will DIE!

    Send moar munny.

  15. Rebel Scum

    Land O’Lakes Removing Native American Woman From Packaging After 92 Years

    Who are they trying to butter up?

    • Tundra

      Ghee, I have no idea.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Let’s get this thread churning.

      • Nephilium

        You guys are really milking this.

      • Shirley Knott

        Cream of the crop we are.

      • R C Dean

        Where there’s a will, there’s a whey.

      • Lady Z

        If I curd I would.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        I need some rumors to spread.

      • bacon-magic

        You should be drawn and quartered.

      • Jarflax

        You are getting pretty salty.

      • The Hyperbole

        Just to clarify, are these supposed to be butter based “puns”.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Margineally, yes.

      • whiz

        This whole thread was pure Kerrygold.

      • Not Adahn

        And people think we aren’t cultured!

    • AlmightyJB

      I only bought it to support human trafficking. What am I supposed to do now?

      • Breet Pharara

        Get off your lazy ass and instead of just supporting human trafficking, do it yourself?

      • AlmightyJB

        That was going to be my retirement job.

      • Mad Scientist

        Watch lots of Columbia Pictures movies?

  16. LemonGrenade

    Good luck on the interview, Brett L.

    • AlmightyJB

      Put her on me:)

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      She can tan my hide anytime.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      AHEM, she aporpitated MUH Wite KULKTURE! RACCCIIST!

    • Mojeaux

      I maintain she looks like Jazz Jennings.

    • Gdragon

      Nava is a lucky man

    • Tres Cool

      She’s about 16 sizes too small for my tastes, but wood.

      And dem LAIGS.

  17. Trials and Trippelations

    How pervasive does the ND rep think the fully clothed NA woman holding butter is sexy image in the American public?

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Jealousy?

  18. AlmightyJB

    Good Luck Brett!

    • Q Continuum

      Perfect for a woman with a stuffed animal fetish.

    • whiz

      All I know is that I was just due for a haircut when the order to shut down barbershops hit. It’s not going to be pretty. To supplement the look, I decide to also stop shaving until things open up.

  19. blackjack

    Well, they found my SS. They said “surgically stripped” going to check it out, right now. It’s 12 miles away in a shitty part of downtown LA. Sounds like a total loss.

    • Mojeaux

      Fingers crossed for you, d00d.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      That sucks

    • DEG

      Good luck.

    • Mad Scientist

      Sorry, man. That’s bullshit right there. Invest in burglar protection for your next car.

    • Not Adahn

      Maybe by “surgically” they meant only small seaily salable parts and you can recover hte motor?

    • Tres Cool

      Good luck. Has your insurance co. said anything yet ?

    • blackjack

      It’s gutted. Seats, dash, motor/trans, wheels, all the emblems, etc. Its just asheet metal frame with back seats. All i can do is argue with the insurance company about how much I’m gonna lose.

      • Mad Scientist

        Craaaap. Sorry, man. I’m not a Chevy guy, put I’ll pour one out for your truck tonight.

      • Jarflax

        Sorry blackjack.

      • Sean

        Sorry dude. That’s a harsh hit to take.

        Is your agent any help? I’ve leaned on my agent before to argue (successfully) with the insurance company.

      • Mojeaux

        *sigh* I’m sorry.

      • Fourscore

        Did it still have , ahh, your “Important Papers” in it?

      • blackjack

        Nope, completely gutted. It still had the diff, the front fenders and the tailgate, and the rear seats. Everything else is gone. Bummer is, i really loved driving it and I’m not going to get mymoney back for it.

      • westernsloper

        They stole the engine?

      • blackjack

        Yup. That motor is worth 8-10k

      • westernsloper

        God dammit! Thieves suck.

      • blackjack

        Yeah, I’m looking into life-lock and similar options now. I’m going to change my bank account tomorrow, but I have to go into work to switch the direct deposit and they won’t let me come in. Not sure how that’s going to go.

      • ron73440

        That’s rough, I fucking hate thieves.

      • Nephilium

        Shit… sorry to hear that man.

      • DEG

        Sorry.

      • DOOMco

        Fuck. That sucks. Hope you get em to pay

    • Count Potato

      Yikes, sorry.

      Surprised they found it though.

    • Grosspatzer

      Sucks. Hang in there.

    • Grosspatzer

      Sucks. Hang in there.

    • blackjack

      Thanks, everyone, but it’s the worst case scenario. I just have to try and mitigate as much as possible.

    • Count Potato

      As you are well aware, some people are just assholes. I had to go to the pharmacy. There is a huge sign out front that said “Dead Nigger Storage”. Well, you know I didn’t see any shit like that. It read “MASKS REQUIRED. DO NOT ENTER WITHOUT A MASK”. So there was only one person in the whole place without a mask. I stood back ten yards away, as he is getting into some argument with the clerk about not wearing a mask. Then this same guy brushes right past me while I’m paying for my stuff.

    • DOOMco

      Fuck. That sucks. Hope you get em to pay

  20. DEG

    Woodie’s Wash Shack, located at 5601 66th Street North in St. Petersburg, filed a temporary injunction last week claiming it provides an “‘essential service’ under the list maintained by the Florida Division of Emergency Management.”

    Fucking beautiful. I hope they win. They probably won’t.

    From the sidebar of the monkey story.

    A beloved bodega owner was just settling into retirement when he was dismembered and disemboweled by his emotionally disturbed son inside their Brooklyn home, police and friends of the victim said Thursday.

    That is fucked.

  21. Raven Nation

    Here’s something of a counter to Land O’Lakes…

    Berkshire-Hathaway have their AGM next month. Among the items to be voted on was one submitted by (some) shareholders:

    4. SHAREHOLDER PROPOSAL Resolved: Shareholders request that the Board of Directors of Berkshire Hathaway Inc. (“Berkshire”) adopt a policy for improving board and top management diversity (the “Policy”) requiring that the initial lists of candidates from which new management-supported director nominees and chief executive officers (“CEOs”) recruited from outside the company are chosen by the board or relevant committee (each, an “Initial List”) should include qualified female and racially/ethnically diverse candidates. The Policy should provide that any third-party consultant asked to furnish an Initial List will be requested to include such candidates.

    The request comes from “The boards of trustees of the New York City Employees’ Retirement System, the New York City Teachers’ Retirement System,the New York City Police Pension Fund and the New York City Fire Pension Fund .”

    B-H is urging a no vote and wrote: “In furthering the interest of Berkshire’s owners, our directors encourage behavior by managers that leads to delighted customers,fair employment practices and regard for both community and national concerns. What shareholder would wish for anything different?….All five of the directors just described possess the four qualities we seek. Each was selected without regard to gender or race/ethnicity. For anyone to suggest otherwise would be both wrong and demeaning.”

    • Q Continuum

      What a bunch of white supremacist, Nazi, alt-right haters.

    • RAHeinlein

      Holding my breath for Warren and/or Charlie to say this out loud.

    • Rhywun

      The request comes from the DNC

      FTFT

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Know what we really need, right now? More airplanes.

    Boeing will start reopening its airplane manufacturing plants in Washington state next week, bringing 27,000 employees back to work under new safety protocols, the company said, even though customers are deferring and canceling orders for new planes.

    The aerospace giant shut down its factories last month because of the coronavirus pandemic, and many workers feared the plants may remain closed for a longer period of time, with demand for aircraft plummeting as air travel comes to a near halt.

    I hope the government is paying their bills for them.

    • Drake

      Maybe they’ll make some that fly this time.

      • Ozymandias

        Oh, those MAXes fly… a little… they just don’t stay flying.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        who made the V-22 Osprey? There’s a Marine killer,

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Yep Bell-Boeing

      • Ozymandias

        My best friend in the Marines was one of the first four CH-46 pilots that transitioned to the V-22. He has a lot of dead buddies and was right in the middle of the fiasco when the CO got recorded telling the squadron to lie and fake the maintenance records in order to ensure the Osprey made “Milestone III.” I know waaayyyyy too much about Boeing’s aviation malfeasance.

    • Oy the Billy-Bumbler

      We especially need some more of the ones that seem to crash all the time.

    • DEG

      #3 is kinda suggestive.

      #21 looks fun.

      #36 and #60 are GlibFit.

      • Q Continuum

        16 and 17 tie for the win.

      • SandMan

        Close, but I’ll take 17, wow!

  23. kinnath

    Adam Savage — duck bomb

    you want to see this

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      What just happened there?

      • Spudalicious

        The inflatable ducks were all deflated. The noise was all of them reinflating at the same time.

      • Rhywun

        Yeah, I was mystified too. Didn’t know “inflating ducks make a noise” was a thing.

    • Grumbletarian

      That’s what Trump’s reelection will sound like.

  24. catchthecarp

    Younger Americans Upend Lives To Save Generation That Would Not Lift A Finger To Help Them

    “So, if you’re an antiprogressive older American, and you don’t die from coronavirus over the next year, maybe recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making, for you, and show us some goddamn respect for a change. Consider that in the voting booth this fall too and support some policies that will actually make the earth a better place for the generations that follow you.”

    https://abovethelaw.com/2020/03/younger-americans-upend-lives-to-save-generation-that-would-not-lift-a-finger-to-help-them/

    The stupid is strong with this guy……

    • Q Continuum

      I get that to some extent, but Boomers are the ones whose stock portfolios are getting sodomized right at retirement.

    • Rhywun

      Maybe suck my dick, asshole.

    • Suthenboy

      Asshole is angry at people that looked after their own interests and demands they look after his interests.

      Got it.

    • leon

      nothing says “Respecatble” like saying “Give my some GD Respect!”

    • Not Adahn

      David Lat and Elie Mystal’s blog runs a hyper-entitled self-righteous rant? Never woulda thunkit.

    • Grumbletarian

      It’s worth remembering that today a student comes out of law school with something like $123,511 in student loan debt, but law school tuition in the mid-1980s was about $2,000 a semester and could be largely paid off in real time with a decent part-time job.

      Hm, I suppose I could do some research on why exactly things have changed, but I’d rather just scream “GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!” and throw a tantrum.

      sin,
      A lawyer and professor

    • Spudalicious

      Here, this bag of dicks is for you.

    • Hyperion

      The author of that might want to be careful about going to any nursing homes. Because as a typical millennial, he’d probably get his ass kicked, by a 93 year old woman.

  25. R C Dean

    Today, at Casa Dean, the ocotillos are in bloom.

    Most of the time, ocotillos look like dry sticks stuck in the ground. After a rain, they put out little leaves all down their length, and sometimes bright orange flowers right at the top. After its been dry again for awhile (a couple of weeks or so), the leaves turn yellow and drop off. This one is growing in front of the Casa – the mountains way in the background are the Santa Ritas, which have recently reacquired a jaguar population. Because what Arizona needed was another apex predator.

    • DEG

      Nice.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Ah yes, very pretty, I’m killing weeds here but saving all the Sage that came up, I love Sage plants

      • Suthenboy

        “…I love sage…”

        Get yourself a license for antelope. You will love it. You need a really fast rifle though, they can outrun most bullets.
        Be sure and put plenty of sage on the antelope before you put it on the grill.

      • Q Continuum

        Antelope is such great redneck hunting; tromping around the range in the back of a truck taking potshots.

    • RAHeinlein

      Lovely – looking forward to pictures of the jag!

      • Fourscore

        “recently reacquired a jaguar population”

        Keeping AZ monkey free.

    • Q Continuum

      You must live off Skyline, that’s a great area.

      • R C Dean

        Q, we live further east. We ain’t *spit* Foothills people. It is a really nice area, though. Just infested with doctors, lawyers, and the like.

        Yusef, I have picked several dead geckos up in the dog’s yard. The Big Dumb One has a real hate on for lizards. The good news is, neither he nor the Little Fat One eat what he kills.

      • Q Continuum

        Tanque Verde?

      • R C Dean

        More north. The area doesn’t really have a name.

      • Q Continuum

        I love that side of town. Of course I lived in the student ghetto so anywhere was better than where I lived (except maybe South Tucson).

      • dbleagle

        You forgot to mention the Brittlebush in bloom as well. That is a good picture. From the angle to Rappel Rock at the top of Lemmon I think I know your neighborhood.

        Foothills people (spit) is correct.

        I lived in Tucson during much of my early life and got my degrees from UA. If AZ ever returns to the libertarian embracing of my earlier days I would happily consider to return. But I don’t think that is happening anytime in my lifetime.

      • R C Dean

        You forgot to mention the Brittlebush in bloom as well.

        You mean, from last week?

      • Suthenboy

        The second it gets warm here I can find a dozen of those on my front porch after the sun goes down. I love ’em. They eat a ton of bugs.

    • Lackadaisical

      pretty sure all the cold weather killed off all the flowers I’ve looked forward to for the past 6 months of winter.

      *looks outside window, sees more snow coming down*

      it’s snowed the last 3 days

  26. RAHeinlein

    New goal post move from the Dems – need a “national” strategy for testing, including development, implementation, deployment, etc. This MUST be done before reopening the country and the States shouldn’t be responsible.

    • Q Continuum

      Fuck these people with a piece of splintered balsawood.

    • Rhywun

      National? Global!

      /aim higher

      • JaimeRoberto Delecto

        Universal, in the true sense of the word. It should be the first mission for Space Force.

    • AlmightyJB

      And of course before that when cases started to drop, the CDC changes the count method.

  27. Drake

    Why the hell is it snowing? Was cutting Gaia off the sweet CO2 cold turkey a bad idea?

  28. Rebel Scum

    Senator sorority girl breaks rank.


    Kyrsten Sinema
    @kyrstensinema
    Apr 16

    The PPP program is going to run out of funding soon – the Senate should approve add’l funding by unanimous consent ASAP. Small businesses need our help to survive during this emergency.
    Quote Tweet

    Kyrsten Sinema
    @kyrstensinema
    Apr 7

    I support providing additional funding to the PPP to help AZ businesses keep workers employed during this public health crisis. The Senate should act this week to further fund the PPP by unanimous consent.

    • Mad Scientist

      Small businesses need our help to survive during this emergency.

      You could just fuck off and get out of their way so they could re-open.

      I know, I know.

    • Mad Scientist

      Typical politician. She’s part of the group that created the emergency by shutting small businesses down, and now she wants them to thank her for her generous desire to loan them some money. This is exactly how the mafia works.

      • R C Dean

        The feds haven’t shut a single business down; that’s all on the governors.

        That said, the feds have heavily incentivized governors to shut businesses down.

        I have been pleasantly surprised by Sinema. She’s not the most terrible Senator.* Not even the most terrible Senator Arizona has sent. I’d take her over McCain and Flake both.

        *Incredibly low bar, I know.

      • bacon-magic

        And she’s a solid would.

      • dbleagle

        Don’t for the ex-Senator DeConcini (aka Dennis the Menace). A mendacious cunte AND part of the Keating Five.

        Besides Barry Goldwater the Senatorial swine from AZ have been a mediocre bunch at best and horrible on the average.

      • Rebel Scum

        And she’s a solid would.

        And she makes my wood solid. ///rimjobshot

        But, seriously, I’d read passages from ‘The Law’ out loud to her while we do it.

  29. mikey

    I’m at least as enraged as everyone around here and my rage comes from both sides of the generational divide.
    My wife and I are 73. We both have those co-morbidities – me a funky heart and my wife diabetes and a radiation-dosed immune system. We’re definitley in the “We’re ALL gonna Die!” demographic. Therefore, we’re taking all the usual precautions – no real effort for a pair of hard-core introvert retirees. We’re concerned maybe but careful and accepting of our chances.

    Meanwhile, last September our grandson and his finace bought the restaurant they were working at when the owners decided it was time to retire. I don’t know the financial details, but it’s a nice restaurant and Im sure there’s a bank somewhere in CO that’s expecting to be paid on time every month.

    TL/DR: Fuck off Branch Covidians. This Granpa and Grandma can take care of themselves. We sure as hell don’t want to destroy our grandchilrens’ future for some imagineary sense of our own safety.

    • Fourscore

      Mikey, toxic waste dumps couldn’t kill us and all the other scares. Funny, as soon as the money dried up toxic waste dumps were no longer a hazard. Now the politicians have suddenly become aware that cash doesn’t seem to be solution things are beginning to move. I feel sad that your g’children (and mine) have to suffer, hopefully they’ll realize government for what it really is.

    • mikey

      And this:
      https://www.manhattancontrarian.com/

      Summary:
      o If we’re going to destroy the economy it better be for something that’s really, really, really horrible and extraordinary. The CCP flu isn’t that. The now-cited 60K deaths is the 17-18 flu season.
      o If our chosen remedy is so horrible in it’s own way it ought to no shit work. The dueling countries arguments are proof that it doesn’t. If the shut-down is worth it the known pain it should be blindingly obvious – it isn’t.

    • R C Dean

      Well, you kill the economy, rule of law, and the currency with the pandemic you have, not the pandemic you wish you had.

      • Breet Pharara

        To be fair, I think the main goal was ORANGE MAN BAD. Killing the economy and rule of law was just an added benefit.

  30. LJW

    Our local total confirmed CV infections dropped from 334 to 229. Not sure if this is a posting error, or they screwed up the count and are quietly correcting it.

  31. grrizzly

    The most recent update of the IHME (University of Washington) model projects 3,236 COVID-19 total deaths in Massachusetts. Three days ago the number was 8,219. I’ve been downloading their data every few days when they change the numbers. No changes in social distancing policies happened in the last three weeks here.

  32. Nephilium

    Later tonight, come, chat and see that we are real people. Starting at 19:00 Eastern:

    Virtual Happy Hour

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      does this happen on a phone? or do I need a camera for my PC?

      • Nephilium

        You can join with just audio (either headset or dial in numbers) or video. You can connect via a phone app or a computer.

      • Hyperion

        If you guys get Zoom bombed and some dude with no pants calls ya’ll Cunte Monkeys, that wasn’t me.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Cool, thanks to both of you, I’ll try for video, that should be interesting…

      • DEG

        I think there is a Zoom app for Andriod and iPhone.

        Zoom also supports dial-in.

      • R C Dean

        I mean, sure, if you want to load another Chinese surveillance app on your phone, go right ahead.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Thats got me scared, China Man Bad! insert mind control device in phone…….

      • R C Dean

        Issues. Zoom’s got issues.

        There was the problem with Zoom’s installer, which took over admin privileges to gain root access to a user’s computer. That access could be abused to surreptitiously install programs without the user’s knowledge, including the ability to access a user’s webcam and microphone. (Last summer, a security researcher found a Zoom feature that opened up vulnerabilities by turning any user’s computer into a local server. In an unprecedented move, Apple silently pushed out an operating-system update to disable it.)

        There’s more.

      • Nephilium

        Most of the recent reports were more user side issues. The password stealing was allowing local UNC links in chat. Don’t click on links you don’t trust, from people you don’t trust. Zoombombing is meetings set up without a password, or a waiting room (waiting room means a host needs to allow people to join the meeting proper). Voice/video being routed through Chinese servers, a bit concerning if they were US meetings (since there wouldn’t be a way that sending the packets over to China is the optimal stream).

        I could shift it over to WebEx or Google’s new Meet if people want.

      • l0b0t

        I’m fine with Zoom. If the Yellow Devils who butchered our boys at the Yalu want to listen to me talk about how much I hate the government, they are welcome to do so. I’ll happily switch to whatever platform you choose though.

        Yusef, please join in. The calls are great fun and have tended to run quite late.

      • Sean

        That’s a turn off.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Dang it! it’s on both my PC and my phone

      • Mojeaux

        My virgin voyage into the chat was on an iPad.

    • Hyperion

      “see that we are real people”

      Some things are better left unseen…

      • Suthenboy

        Isn’t there a saying to the effect ‘you dont want to meet your heroes in person’?

      • Mad Scientist

        You should be completely safe meeting Glibs then.

      • Jarflax

        If your heroes are on this site I think you are officially immune to disappointment.

    • Trigger Hippie

      You guys are killing my entertainment on Friday and Saturday nights. Zoom means dead threads in Glibland.

      Guess I’ll have just go out inst…fuck.

  33. commodious spittoon

    I don’t know if I caught the Covid, but I’m sick of it.

    • Hyperion

      #MeToo

      • commodious spittoon

        Sometimes I have that keyboard sting play in my head at work, because the printer sounds kinda similar.

    • Toxteth O’Grady

      I C what U did there.

    • Suthenboy

      Comment of the day. I. think. I haven’t been on most of the day.

  34. Hyperion

    Who, during the lockdown, hasn’t wanted to kill a family member?

    “Cops took the son to the 68th Precinct stationhouse for questioning, then charged him with murder and criminal possession of a weapon. He was taken to Bellevue Hospital for psychological evaluation.”

    Umm, maybe… so, they finally got common sense knife control in NYC? I mean, knifes are illegal in NYC? Or is anything that can be considered a weapon illegal in NYC? A hammer, a brick?

    • Tres Cool

      In Ohio, it’s whatever they decide it is:

      As used in sections 2923.11 to 2923.24 of the Revised Code:

      (A) “Deadly weapon” means any instrument, device, or thing capable of inflicting death, and designed or specially adapted for use as a weapon, or possessed, carried, or used as a weapon.

      • Hyperion

        I mean I get it, you could be charged with ‘assault with a deadly weapon’. If you used whatever it is to assault someone. But they seem to be saying something entirely different there. Just because you assault someone with a hammer, doesn’t make a hammer illegal. If that’s the case, all I need to do is walk down the street with a hammer and they can arrest me for possession of an illegal weapon.

      • Tres Cool

        Oh, so I see you’ve been to England.

      • Hyperion

        This isn’t supposed to be England.

      • Hyperion

        I mean, we fought a war over less egregious shit than that.

      • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

        Or Canada.

    • Rhywun

      I believe that scary knives are, in fact, illegal here.

      • l0b0t

        IIRC, the City statute is worded so as to prohibit the public carrying of all knives with fixed blades (over 3″), switch-blades, flick-blades. and gravity knives. The field test for folding knives is if the officer can open with one hand; so, anything with a thumb screw or assist is technically verboten. That said, in my work clothes, I open carry three knives and I am at the local bagel store, packed with cops from five different agencies, every morning and have never once been hassled or questioned. White privilege FTW!

  35. Mojeaux

    From the dedthread:

    Trashy, I’m confused as to Monocle/Eyepiece/Lorgnette.

    I used to only have a black bar at the bottom of my screen with UNREAD COMMENTS | HIDE OLD THREADS | TOP OF COMMENTS etc etc etc.

    I clicked your link last night and NOW I have something on the left side of my screen with (top to bottom) menu button, R, H, up arrow, down arrow, and a number (number of unread comments).

    I want the bar on the side to go away and leave the black bar on the bottom of the screen. Is there a way to do that?

    Now for all that complaining, I want to smother you in kisses for the permalink button. It was the only thing I wanted so, so, so much! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

    • Hyperion

      Do you see a little dohickey thing in the bottom left corner of your sceen that’s just a black square with a ^ on it? Click on that and your black bar at the bottom should reappear.

      • Mojeaux

        I have the black bar on the bottom. I want to keep it.

        I want to get rid of the bar on the side.

      • Hyperion

        I don’t know that you can get rid of that. Trashy can probably tell you. But you don’t have to click on it. I don’t even notice that it’s there.

      • Mojeaux

        Trashy can probably tell you.

        Right. Which is why I asked Trashy.

        I don’t even notice that it’s there.

        How nice for you.

      • Hyperion

        Sorry for trying to help.

      • Mojeaux

        I’m sorry. I was testy and rude.

      • Jarflax

        Unsurprisingly I have noticed the world is getting increasingly irritable lately.

      • Mojeaux

        I have reasons/excuses aplenty for my bitchiness (none related to my XX chromosomes), but there is no excuse. Hyperion was trying to help.

      • Jarflax

        The government has killed all the bars, even the African American ones. You can’t have your bottom bar, even on the side!

      • Mojeaux

        I can’t have ANYTHING I want!

        *stomps foot*

        *pouts*

      • RAHeinlein

        I absolutely have to meet you at some point. Same phrases.

      • Mojeaux

        I have proposed a Glibbroads retreat, where we would drink (well, you all would) and dance naked in the pale moonlight.

        Cauldrons may bubble and incantations may be said.

      • Jarflax

        So wait? Witchcraft is ok but having a drink is where you draw the line? You Mormons are odd.

      • Mad Scientist

        This could be akin to the fishing joke. Why should you always invite two Mormons to go fishing with you? If you only invite one, he’ll smoke all your cigars and drink all your beer.

      • Mojeaux

        Witchcraft is NOT okay, but we don’t tend to take it too seriously. I mean, at Baptist school, I was getting lectured about back masking and Satanic music and rituals and animal sacrifice. Meanwhile, I’d go to a church dance that Saturday to the same “Satanic” music. Or at least, sexually suggestive music (I mean, hello, Olivia Newton-John “Physical”) since it’s hard to dance to Satanic music.

        Any mention of “witchcraft” is more likely to trigger eyerolling than disapproval.

      • Mojeaux

        And I did actually dabble in Wicca for a while, till I figured out I would have to read up on a pantheon of deities and pick a few or one or a lot or … basically build my own religion. And why would I do that when I have a theology I already like well enough?

        The last meeting I went to, the topic was “Who are your deities and how do you worship?”

        As people spoke, it started to dawn on me that there was no real structure to any of it. Well, hell, I’m unstructured enough as it is, and up to my eyeballs in other DIY projects. I don’t need to add a DIY religion and build-a-doctrine on top of it.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Do you have Greasemonkey or tampermonkey? Basically, you have to remove the UserScript for Eyepiece.

        Generally, you’re going to have to go into your browser menu, click “add ons” or similar, find Greasemonkey or tampermonkey, click options, find the list of user scripts, and delete the one with Eyepiece in the name.

        If you need some more targeted guidance, lemme know (and let me know browser, and whether you have Greasemonkey or tampermonkey)

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Oh, but that will turn off the permalink button… I’m actually gonna code something up real quick to fix this… Hang on.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Actually nvm, I was right the first time. Uninstall the Eyepiece user script to remove the sidebar, then click here to update Monocle to the latest. You should still have permalinks when you do that.

      • Mojeaux

        Greasemonkey. I wanted to uninstall everything and have a fresh install, but I have looked for anything installed called Eyepiece or Monocle and nothing comes up.

        Never mind, though. It’s a tiny annoyance that I’ll get used to and not see anymore. I will bear any hardship for the permalink.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Alternative is just to uninstall Greasemonkey, reinstall it, and then click the above link. May be faster that way.

      • Rhywun

        Then you want to uninstall Eyepiece.

    • Mad Scientist

      Can you make use of that permalink button and point the rest of us towards the instructions?

  36. mikey

    And in Life Goes On news; the ospreys showed up at their nest today.
    From last year.
    https://imgur.com/a/iIidBGX

    • Pope Jimbo

      When we visited my dad in TX this winter we got to watch ospreys eat fish every day. There was a board across a canal from my dad’s house that the ospreys would pin the fish against as they ate him. My wife was appalled that the osprey didn’t kill the fish first. Instead it just sat there tearing strips off the fish.

      • Tres Cool

        “Fish aren’t really alive. They’re just less dead.” -Red Foreman

    • RAHeinlein

      Jealous! Several cardinal pairs have taken-up residence in trees around our yard and we have been fortunate to have them frequently visit our window feeders.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      That’s cool, I just realised, the picture you sent me of you and Spot is pretty old,
      Carry on!

      • Pope Jimbo

        Liar! That Osprey isn’t flying. It is just a pic of it a split second before it crashes into the deck.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Nice. The juvenile redtails crapped all over my truck this week.

    • commodious spittoon

      She’s old enough to be my sister. Gross.

  37. The Late P Brooks

    Attack attack attack

    The political context of Trump’s remarks is important because it backs up reporting, including by CNN, that nothing will deflect the President from his desire to open up the country on May 1 and that he is working from personal motivations rather than solid data.
    Wednesday’s news conference, like at least its two predecessors, was an exercise in airing grievances.
    Trump’s insistence that it’s time to get moving again is helping fuel a campaign on conservative media that claims a suppressed infection curve shows government medical experts and Democratic governors overreacted to the pandemic and are infringing on the basic rights of American “patriots” with shutdowns. On Wednesday, Tea Party-style protesters blocked the streets of Lansing, Michigan, to condemn Democratic Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s stay-at-home orders in one of the worst-hit states where nearly 2,000 people have died.
    The protests are likely to help fracture national unity on the pandemic already being stretched by Trump’s response. Perceptions about the pandemic have also been shaped by the natural propensity of the virus to afflict densely populated urban areas that tend to vote Democratic and its looser hold on rural, more conservative states.
    On Monday, Trump deepened those divides by blasting accurate news coverage of his botched initial handling of the pandemic. The next day, he blamed the World Health Organization for being slow to react and cosseting China — transgressions of which he is also guilty. And on Wednesday he launched an assault on US-funded international broadcaster Voice of America and threatened a constitutional attempt to shut down Congress if the Senate did not approve his appointees.
    None of these actions will save American lives or even get the economy powering ahead again. But they do distract from rising criticism and factual evidence that he has mishandled the pandemic all along.

    President Cartoon Villain must be stopped before he kills us all.

    • R C Dean

      threatened a constitutional attempt to shut down Congress

      *gasp*

      To be fair, in the Obama case on recess appointments (which he lost, BTW), SCOTUS seemed pretty chill with what Trump has threatened to do. I think. Its pretty convoluted and obscure.

    • Viking1865

      “are infringing on the basic rights of American “patriots” with shutdowns”

      Sneer quotes are so appropriate from a straight news group.

    • JaimeRoberto Delecto

      What are “tea-party style protesters”? Is that some kind of dog whistle?

  38. RAHeinlein

    Out of Africa without Robert Redford:

    The Kenyan government did not recruit Maasai hunters to make sure people respected lockdown.

    A video posted on Facebook and Twitter shows a man wearing traditional Maasai clothes breaking up groups of people standing in the street. On social media, many claimed the video showed a Maasai huntsman that the Kenyan government had recruited to help enforce social distancing rules meant to stop the spread of COVID-19. Turns out, however, that the whole thing was staged by a comedian.

    https://observers.france24.com/en/20200417-debunked-kenyan-government-not-recruit-maasai-lockdown

  39. The Late P Brooks

    There is no doubt that after grim weeks of escalation, there are some grounds for optimism. Presidents have an important job in raising national morale. And the economic impact of shutdowns is cataclysmic, throwing many millions out of work.
    But a pandemic does not just disappear. Details of state planning suggests that life will not get back to anywhere near normal until there is a vaccine — probably not until next year.
    That means social distancing measures will remain in place. Many people will work from home and bars and restaurants will be only at reduced capacity if they can open at all.

    We have not sufficiently consolidated our political gains, nor have we demolished the economy to a degree which will enable us to bring about the end of capitalism, once and for all.

    • R C Dean

      But a pandemic does not just disappear.

      Ackshually, sometimes they do. When was the last time you heard of SARS or Swine Flu/H1N1, neither of which has a vaccine?

      • Hyperion

        “But a pandemic does not just disappear.”

        Isn’t that exactly what happened with the Spanish Flu?

      • Rhywun

        I thought the Spanish Flu became the influenza we have every year.

      • Hyperion

        I’ve never heard that. I thought that strain just disappeared. But you could be right. If so, it apparently just mutated into a much less lethal virus.

      • Rhywun

        I dunno. I got it from one of you nitwits.

      • Hyperion

        “I got it from one of you nitwits.”

        Well then, you can probably just disregard it and resume your research.

      • Spudalicious

        It is. There are a number of different strains, which is why the flu shot isn’t a guarantee.

      • Gustave Lytton

        SARS was eradicated in humans, near as we can tell similar to smallpox. There is a H1N1 vaccine and it’s still incorporated into the yearly flu shot.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Eradicated before it became widespread and endemic.

        The original SARS was more cooperative because it could be identified moe readily via body temperature screenings and was more fatal to the host (sucks for the host but also kills the virus before it can spread more widely. Ebola has the same problem as long as the human remains are handled properly)

      • R C Dean

        Did not know that about H1N1.

        The original SARS was the SARS-CoV-1 virus, the Commie Cough is the SARS-CoV-2 virus. Was the original SARS deemed a pandemic?

      • Jarflax

        You guys do know that H1N1 is Spanish flu right?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Yes. Was referring to the commonly called H1N1 of ten years ago.

    • commodious spittoon

      But a pandemic does not just disappear.

      Not till its political utility is spent, anyway. I’m sure we’ll be hearing about Coronavirus at least as long as Katrina.

  40. Pope Jimbo

    Well I’m glad Land O’ Lakes dumped the native gal. After all what the fuck would Indians know about butter? It isn’t like they had cattle or milk before the white eyes showed up.

    • Jarflax

      Indians use ghee.

    • Lackadaisical

      “depicting Native women as sex objects”

      I did always think she was hot… probably the only reason anyone buys it.

      • Hyperion

        They should change the image to a Native American guy so that they can then shriek about gender discrimination.

  41. Count Potato

    “The Grand Forks Tribune noted that many Native people, including North Dakota state Rep. Ruth Buffalo (D), have called the woman’s image racist. Buffalo told the paper the image goes “hand-in-hand with human and sex trafficking of our women and girls.… by depicting Native women as sex objects.””

    Oh yeah, show me those knee caps, baby!

    • Hyperion

      Apparently, the Wuhan Flu is not that bad, since we still have time for this sort of bullshit.

    • Q Continuum

      Ass sex while smokin’ the peace pipe?

      Libertarian moment!

    • Fourscore

      No old copies of National Geographic for you!

    • AlmightyJB

      If they want to wipe out all cultural references that elevate them, whatevs. Future generations will never see your ancestors as fierce warriors and beautiful maidens. Good job.

      • Hyperion

        SJWs are not deep thinkers.

  42. Hyperion

    BAD ORANGE MAN IS BAD!

    Oh FFS. Not giving a bunch of corrupt bureaucrats who do nothing, is going to kill us all.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Cutting off the WHO, an organization that’s headed by a communist and who sucks off the Chicoms on a regular basis to the detriment of the entire world, was definitely the right thing to do.

  43. The Late P Brooks

    Know what we really need more of? Vapid, inane gibberish.

    Missing in the planning to return to work is a response to a very fundamental challenge: how do we ensure that the return to economic activity better positions American workers for success – particularly those most profoundly hurt by this pandemic.

    One key way to achieve this is to provide effective training to move to better jobs. The businesses that come back will not look like the businesses before, and that means disruption to the jobs that employers will fill.

    There will not be a perfect match between those who can safely return to work and the workers who are needed for the businesses ready to reopen. America needs a plan to skill up the workers it will take to reopen.

    ——-

    Many businesses will not reopen and others will shrink dramatically, leaving many workers disconnected from good jobs. Other workers may choose not to pursue their previous role. For those who cannot regain their previous role or want to pursue a better opportunity, federal policy should empower them with information and training to pursue the good jobs that become available as some sectors surge and others collapse.

    ——-

    Our nation’s future health and prosperity will be shaped by the decisions our leaders make today. Understanding and addressing the critical need our workforce has to train for the most valuable work in the economy ahead is an essential component of any plan to reopen businesses. Workers must be better prepared to fill higher value jobs, strengthening both their earning capacity and the viability of economic success.

    I think the government should give me $500k to upskill myself with.

    • Q Continuum

      “upskill myself with”

      Do you want some privacy for that?

    • R C Dean

      Jeebus. Job training again? Every time these people wreck the economy, that’s their magic bullet. Learn to fucking code.

      Understanding and addressing the critical need our workforce has to train for the most valuable work in the economy ahead is an essential component of any plan to reopen businesses.

      No, its fucking not. Get your boot off our necks is the sum total of what is needed to reopen businesses. Not some master HR plan to push workers into what you (not the market) conclude is the most valuable work.

  44. The Late P Brooks

    We’re all gonna be starship captains!

  45. RAHeinlein

    Thank goodness Michigan and Congress were on-top of intercepting those child support payments:

    As federal stimulus payments – officially known as Economic Impact Payments – authorized by the CARES Act are sent to Michigan parents who owe child support and qualify for enforcement, all or a portion of this payment will be intercepted by the IRS through the Tax Offset Program. The funds will then go to the MDHHS Office of Child Support to be applied to the child support debt owed – as required by the CARES Act.

    https://www.michigan.gov/coronavirus/0,9753,7-406-98163-526156–,00.html

    • Gustave Lytton

      But banks applying them to overdrawn balances is verboten.

      • Rhywun

        No, but several banks have chosen to ignore the slackers for political purposes.

      • Gustave Lytton

        That’s what I meant. After getting beaten up in the media for “stealing” the money.

      • Rhywun

        Media-verboten. Gotcha.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I feel that pain. I was in the military when my less than faithful wife ran off with my kids. A California judge defaulted my judgement because I had no leave and no money for lawyer and he disallowed phone call ins to my hearings.

      All that said, on my E-5 pay I was to pay 1500 a month in child support. Asshole judge calculated my BAQ, BAS and clothing allowance as income.

      While I was in I went $15000 in arrears and it took me a long time to climb outta that hole including many years of tax refunds being seized.

      Shit sucks but its not new or uncommon (or just).

      That said, the state doesnt pay the custodial parent if the non-custodial neglects to pay child support…but they sure will take that free money.

  46. Not Adahn

    According to the talking points given to NPR, the journalismists are going to shriek about mixed messaging and Trump’s “Liberate _______” twits tonight.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I think he played that hand quite nicely…even if not intended.

      He has reminded people who is keeping them from work. The true believers won’t care because OrangeManBad, but the hair stylist that can’t cut hair will.

      • Not Adahn

        Bridge might be a much better analogy than n-dimensional boardgames.

        Particularly since it allows for “dummy” jokes.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I for one appreciate seeing him pressure those states that are overplaying their hand vis a vis the coronavirus restrictions. I’d expect NPR and the usual suspects to piss and moan because that’s just what they do.

  47. 61North

    Cannoli,

    I missed your article, but I was on the other side of the street for the start of the race and near the announcers. The anti-PETA ads were a great troll.

    • Cannoli

      Cool! Our original spot was probably very close to you, but then we went to grab breakfast, and by the time we came back everything was packed so we moved down quite a bit.

    • Mojeaux

      I dunno, I think she looks quite smart (as in, smartly dressed). Certainly, better than anything the Hildebeeste ever wore.

    • AlmightyJB

      *shudders*

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      You aren’t being fair, I think Michael Strahan looks much better since his transition.

      • Hyperion

        lol, but he’s become must more arrogant.

    • Rhywun

      I’m not going to read that stupid puff-piece but holy shit the media are pulling out all the stops for her.

      • Hyperion

        Senile Joe has an all star lineup to choose from. Who will he choose?

        Kamala? She didn’t do too well in the primaries, because everyone hates her.

        The Michigan Cunte? Everyone hates her.

        Hillary? Yeah, everyone hates her.

        Just put a dress on Bernie and claim he’s transitioned. Your best hope.

      • Hyperion

        Oh, shit, I forgot about aforementioned giant pantsuit mama who’s apparently now all the rage.

        She just lost a governor’s race. Let’s ask Beta, the rising democrat superstar who lost a governor’s race, how that worked out in a presidential race.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I have the capacity to attract voters by motivating typically ignored communities.

      What communities and ignored by who? Spare me the bullshit.

    • Tres Cool

      I hope she’s knocked-up. That’s quite a gunt.

      • Hyperion

        LMAO! You’re fucking priceless, Tres, I don’t care what anyone says.

        Behold, Glibertariat! We have been gifted a new special word. A golden one! Gunt!

        I’ll consume mass quantities of tall cans any day with you, bro, I’m buying. Hold me to it, I haven’t been to the Ohio in a while.

  48. hayeksplosives

    Florida beaches open tonight, some texS beaches will too.

    A lady announced our local community market will be open too, announced on FaceBook.

    Most reactions were NEGATIVE. One is this : “This should be a good thing and I’m not understanding all the negative responses to this. We need farmers markets to help improve access to food. Not to mention, we need to support the California farmers that need revenue in order to continue producing the food. No one is going to the grocery store on a joy run, and from what I understand, several other farmers’ markets are successfully operating under recommended guidelines. ”

    Overybody else is pillorying that poor woman. Why don’t THOSE PEOPLE stay home? So many little would bureaucrats surround us…

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Just remember, FaceBook isn’t the real world. They and Twitter are dominated by the worst kind of handwringing busybodies you can imagine.

  49. The Late P Brooks

    NYT headline:

    I don’t know what to say to someone who’s lost a job

    How about, “Thank a politician; and the hysterical jackasses at the Big Time Legacy Media like the New York Times whop fanned this panic as a means to ‘get’ President Cartoon Villain.”

    • Hyperion

      “How about, “Thank a politician; and the hysterical jackasses at the Big Time Legacy Media like the New York Times whop fanned this panic as a means to ‘get’ President Cartoon Villain.”

      Good comment, spot on.

    • Rhywun

      I don’t know what to say to someone who’s lost a job

      They probably don’t know anybody who voted for Nixon, either.

    • R C Dean

      Go with your gut:

      “Sucks to be you, but I’ve got mine! Learn to code, loser.”

  50. Yusef drives a Kia

    It was Food Bank Friday at the Park today, thousands of cars filling the park and now the surrounding streets, and Bhc Is a pretty small town, it’s Fucking Depressing,

    • R C Dean

      Sounds like a good place to flip some medical pot and make a little cash.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I have no pot, my Daughter is also broke so She has no pot, and that would also be a Felony, and a ton of PD presence, as well

  51. 61North

    This state just allowed takeaway booze with food orders, but I couldn’t find any place that was doing it. How goddamn hard is it to figure out? Give me some mozz sticks and throw in a margarita with my call-in order. The POS system can mark it as dine-in order. FFS.

    • Jarflax

      Takeout booze makes no sense to me. If I am drinking at home why would I pay 5 to 25 times as much for the booze?

      • 61North

        I’m just trying to kick some money to people who lost their job by government fiat.

      • Nephilium

        Some people don’t know how to mix anything more complicated then a bourbon on the rocks.

    • tripacer

      Our state (WA) decided to allow retail sales of bottled booze by restaurants. I’ve only asked my local all-in-one brewery/restaurant/casino/bowling ally/arcade about it, and they are pricing the bottles the same as the liquor store that’s across the street in order to not compete with them.

      • Tres Cool

        Maybe its just me, but anytime I read “decided to allow…” during any of this, it really pisses me off.

      • tripacer

        It’s not just you. I prefer “Dear Leader has graciously allowed”. I like the hint of North Korean style propaganda, but apparently it’s frowned upon in emails to my Dean, although she hasn’t directly said so.

      • commodious spittoon

        Funny, a coworker told me the local Texas Land & Cattle was selling steak from its inventory…

        Our liquor stores are closed, which has resulted in a line forming in the grocery store to get into the liquor department… after going through the grocery store line which stretches around the building.

        Good job with the quarantine effort, guys. You’ve now quarantined the wuflu to the lines around the grocery stores.

        Lots of masks, though. Couple lovely looking young women sporting handkerchief masks, or as I heard, “bandithoes.”

    • Hyperion

      That’s pretty cool.

    • 61North

      I have a fever all of sudden…

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      She can clean me up anytime

    • commodious spittoon

      OOF.

  52. grrizzly

    News from New Hampshire.
    Emergency order will change state motto

    A source close to the governor has indicated that another emergency order will be issued in the next few days, changing the state motto from Live Free or Die (which is now obsolete) to Public Health Trumps Everything (a direct quote from the governor, which more accurately reflects the new reality within the state).

    • commodious spittoon

      “Public Health Trumps Hate”

  53. Mojeaux

    I decided to take the evening off, and sit in my recliner and watch mindless TV.

    My brain hurts.

    • Gender Traitor

      Keep the “mute” button handy during the commercials (if applicable.) A soft piano soundtrack is a warning that some “in these trying times, we’re here for you” rage-inducing message is coming. (Just hit the button. DON’T throw the remote at the TV.)

      • KibbledKristen

        OMFG I can’t take those commercials anymore!

      • Hyperion

        Oh FFS, the cure is worse than the disease. I now have bright red bolded COVID-19 links plastered all over my once beautiful applications.

        No, I’m not aware of any virus, I’ve only been locked in my house for 3 fucking weeks!

      • Mojeaux

        Large item pickup in my town is suspended. W.T.F. Somebody’s going to get COVID from old sofas, box springs, and mattresse— Oh, wait.

      • Hyperion

        Like all other hobgoblins throughout history, they’re waiting behind your hedgerow or under your bed, waiting to jump right out and get you. And only TOP.MEN can save you.

      • salted earth

        There’s something nasty in the woodshed.

  54. KibbledKristen

    See y’all around 7:30ish. Gotta see if the coin-hunting Youtuber I watch is gonna find any silver on tonight’s livestream

  55. Yusef drives a Kia

    Neph, password?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Thanks, for nothing…..

      • The Hyperbole

        I asked Neph, he said click the link, that’s all you should need to do.

      • Hyperion

        No, Podesta is the user name. The password is ‘password’.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        ah, thanks Hype!

    • Nephilium

      It’s built into the link.

      Meeting ID: 822 9065 7164
      Password: 017223

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        there we go

    • Rhywun

      You don’t need one, just click the link.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        link doesnt work on Android,

  56. Rebel Scum

    SARS 2, like SARS 1, is kind of ‘meh’. Maybe SARS 3 will finally raise the excitement and have a satisfying conclusion.

    • Plinker762

      SARS 69 is going to be awesome

  57. Animal

    monkies

    *Ahem* “Monkeys.”

  58. Raven Nation

    Wow! Sports! The WNBA draft is now on.

    • westernsloper

      I’m sure Sloop is glued to the tube.

    • Hyperion

      WNBA.

      Since no one has ever watched that before, how are we supposed to know what it’s all about?

  59. Mojeaux

    Sports report on the news. Glad I canceled my MLB At Bat subscription.