Poll: Zoom Funerals

by | Apr 30, 2020 | Poll, Society | 366 comments

An elderly family friend passed away this past weekend. (I’m dismayed that so many death notices are only being posted on Facebook in the past couple years. But, that’s a rant for another post.)

As our friend’s adult kids put it, “Given the zombie apocalypse, physical attendance at the funeral is not possible.”

So, a short internment ceremony was held on Zoom.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this trend. I am conflicted.

On the one hand, I think it’s important to mark someone’s passing close to the time it happened because it helps with “closure,” brings the reality of the death home, and offers some support to those grieving the loss. If the people left behind are also in high risk groups, like our friend’s widow, how can this more safely be done than online?

On the other hand, it infuriates me that so many people are dying alone unnecessarily and now the survivors are also being made to grieve alone. Words are all well and good, and video chat is better than none, but in no way whatsoever can it replace a hug, or a touch on the hand, when someone is hurting so deeply. It’s difficult via a digital interface to bring a casserole, open a bottle of wine, help with everyday things around the house, and ease, for a short time, the new and terrible emptiness in the home.

People coming together to share a loss is as old as humanity. It breaks my heart that it’s now apparently only possible to do so remotely.

About The Author

SP

SP

I've got an idea! How about we just stick to the Constitution as written and then the government can leave me the fuck alone.

366 Comments

  1. kinnath

    There are many reasons to be outraged by the government lockdown of social functions. Banning funerals is near the top.

    • hayeksplosives

      De Blaiso personally breaking up the funeral is an image I wont forget.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Whadda ya mean, break it up? He sent an honor guard in nifty brown shirts.

    • Rhywun

      Unless it’s a bunch of Jews.

      /Bill Deblasio

      • Tres Cool

        You know who else didnt like Jews in a group ?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Walt Disney?

      • Dry_Gin_Wet_Farts

        Jessee Jackson?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Irwin Shimron?

      • Chipping Pioneer

        The 22nd legion?

  2. hayeksplosives

    I agree. This is something that can only be done “right” in person, and often not for the funeral itself, but the pre and post events.

    I think Zoom is better than nothing, but it’s no substitute.

    People should ask whether they’d have made a phone call if at a normal year funeral they can’t attend. If you wouldn’t call the widow on funeral day, don’t ask them to set up a zoom for you.

  3. Rasilio

    Honestly I am not sure, the only person close to me that ever died was my father and he had been slowly dying for more than 5 years at that point plus he was a very difficult man who had several psychological issues and more than a few demons that tormented him for most of his life so even he wasn’t that close. We didn’t hold the memorial service for him for something like 4 months after he passed and outside of my mother and siblings and all of the grandkids there was no one else from the family present save for one of my uncles ex wives (that particular uncle had died about 2 years earlier).

    It is weird but somehow I am 50 and have almost no personal experience with death so funerals are not a huge deal for me

    • Fourscore

      My father died when I was 32, I hadn’t seen him very often ’cause I was gone for 13 years and rarely got home. While his death was not a surprise it was sudden. My 2 brothers and I were sitting around her house after the funeral, my mother said “Why don’t you walk over to the bar and have a drink, your dad would go with you if he was here.” We did that, then cousins and friends wandered in, finally someone said “Go get Mom”. My mother came over and we celebrated the day the way my Dad would have wanted. I still miss him after 50 years.

      • Mojeaux

        The day of my dad’s funeral, the Chiefs were playing a pre-season exhibition game. We all watched and cheered and screamed at the refs ‘cuz that’s what my dad would’ve been doing right then.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Old Chiefs joke — I went to sold out game, and had a really shitty seat. Since I was by myself, I thought I’d try to find a seat in the season ticket holder’s area where someone couldn’t make it.

        There I found an old guy sitting next to an empty seat. I asked him about it and he told me the story of how him and his wife had been coming for 50 years, through thick and thin…and since she’d passed, he’d decided that he’d keep up the tradition.

        “well sir, don’t you have any friends that might come in her place?”

        “They’re all at her funeral.”

      • Hyperion

        “Old Chiefs joke”

        I can’t remember when the Chiefs were not a joke until last year. I mean at least for the last 50 years.

    • Hyperion

      Jeebus, dude. By the time I was fifty, people were dropping dead to the left and right of me. Now, almost everyone I never knew who were older than me growing up, are dead. Except for my dad. And he’s 91 I’ve commented more than once, that everyone is dying, pretty soon I’ll be the only one I know who’s still alive.

      • Hyperion

        ‘I never knew’

        ever

      • Rasilio

        I’ve known more than a few who died but none I was close to.

        My maternal grandfather died long before I was born. My maternal grandmother died when I was a small child. I have some vague memories of her but I am not sure which of those are even real memories vs memories created by super8 mm films of the time period so it has not real impact on me. On my mothers side they had 10 kids in the family, one of them died as a teen one more died in his 50’s but I was not close to him and did not like him at all. The rest are all still alive.

        On my fathers side both of my grandparents passed back in the 90’s but again I was never close to them and don’t really have any fond memories of either of them. I hadn’t seen either in 2 decades when they died. They had 9 kids and of the 9 of them all but 2 are still alive, Of the 2 who are dead are my Father and the one Uncle I was closest with but it wasn’t that I was close with him, I was close with his kids and again I hadn’t seen him in multiple decades when he passed. It was more “someone I knew died” rather than someone close to me.

        For the rest I’ve never had a friend or even close acquaintance die somehow, course that may have as much to do with never having had many friends

    • Mojeaux

      I’ve been to far more funerals in my life than weddings. When I was a child, there were only old people around me (and people who seemed old to me). Of course old people died. That’s what old people do.

      I haven’t been to a funeral in years. They get announced on FB (h/t SP) or elsewhere I am not, I’m never told, so I miss it, and then someone says,

      “I didn’t see you at X’s funeral.”

      “I didn’t see you on my caller ID telling me there was one.”

      In short, death of old beloveds was part and parcel of my childhood and adolescence.

  4. Fourscore

    Over the years I’ve been to many funerals, of family members, classmates, friends. I go to say good bye, to visit the survivors, to express my grief and the lunch. The camaraderie of seeing old friends, to share the days past are important to me and the friends of the deceased. I would skip a Zoom funeral, I usually can’t hear the preacher any way and he/she is the least important person in the room.

    • westernsloper

      I usually can’t hear the preacher any way and he/she is the least important person in the room.

      Amen.

  5. Scruffy Nerfherder

    If I may suggest another option.

    Have a short online service but save the larger gathering for when it becomes possible. This is akin to the old Appalachian tradition of storing the body outside in the cold until the ground thaws enough to bury it.

    Normally the wake comes before the funeral, but separating the events and delaying the wake may be a better option in the current scenario.

  6. westernsloper

    I don’t know how I feel. Even I have stopped seeing my parents other than yard talks and I think this is a bunch of BS but I am not above the propaganda that we are going to kill our elderly loved ones if we give them a hug.

  7. DEG

    I agree with you SP.

    My condolences about your friend.

  8. Hyperion

    I’m not against cyber doing anything just because of cyber doing it.

    But sometimes it just don’t work.

    For instance, today about time for work to end, a couple of co-workers emailed me inviting me to a ‘Zoom happy hour’. Then I spoke to one of them on the phone and he asks me ‘Are you doing the Zoom happy hour?’. And I said ‘Have you lost your fucking mind? I’m forced to talk to you fuckers all week long and you think it’s something happy to talk to you again after work hours? No, just fuck no, something is wrong with you guys, leave me alone’.

    Sort of off topic, but it was the only thing I could think of as an example of when … oh wait, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them after work in person either. Never mind!

  9. Not Adahn

    Zoom funerals make sense for Facebook friends.

    Real funerals for real friends.

    • Drake

      Thumbs up.

      If a cop tried to stop me from attending a family member’s funeral, I’ll honor their memory with a night in jail.

  10. Tejicano

    My mother-in-law passed on February 12 this year. She had been slipping away for years due to Alzheimer’s. In retrospect, my wife and I have realized how the timing was somewhat optimal as we were able to hold the service and have relatives attend. A few weeks later and that might not have been an option. It’s probable that my wife might no have been able to visit her towards the end.

    We are a bit concerned for my father-in-law since he is just about every bad category for this virus – even his doctor told him to take every precaution because he won’t last a week if he gets it. To make that worse, under the current conditions, we know they wouldn’t let us visit him once he is hospitalized. We aren’t sure how our Buddhist temple would hold the service if his remains are not there.

    Japanese are very different about funerals and entombment. The service is held soon after passing and cremation happens immediately after the service. But the remains – bones in the urn in this case, they don’t bother with the ashes – are kept at home for at least 49 days before entombment. Some times the remains are kept even longer. My wife has a friend whose husband passed recently. He was in his early 50’s and was diagnosed late with leukemia. Several months later they still have his urn at home – before a decision was made about where to inter him we were all on lockdown so no action can be taken now. It seems a bit creepy from a western perspective but it doesn’t seem weird to most Japanese.

    • Lady Z

      After my mother died, my father kept her urn with us in the house for several months. I think we were waiting for extended family to be able to gather for the memorial service. So I don’t find that idea weird at all, but rather comforting.

      Funny, it’s her birthday today.

    • Stillhunter

      My maternal grandmother died a month shy of her 94th birthday on February 11 with over a dozen family members (including me) at her side. She was pretty spry until she broke her hip in January. She had surgery, but wasn’t healing right and they found she had bone cancer. She decided to just let it happen so she was in the nursing home/hospice when she died. I’m glad it happened quick or we wouldn’t have been allowed to be by her side nor to have a wonderful funeral with a full church.

      Sorry for the loss SP.

      • Stillhunter

        And for your loss Tejicano.

      • Tundra

        Good run and a nice family.

        RIP grandma.

      • Stillhunter

        She buried two husbands. My grandpa died in ‘97 at 71. She remarried a few years later and he died of cancer maybe 7 years ago. She was a strong woman who didn’t take any grief, but was also the sweetest person and always helping others.

    • Tundra

      It doesn’t seem weird to me at all.

      A good buddy of mine lost his wife to cancer at 47. He and his daughter took the ashes to a bunch of places that they had all talked about visiting. Then she was interred.

      I thought that was awesome.

  11. Crusty Juggler
  12. dbleagle

    I would not Zoom funeral. I would find a time and place to contact, in person, the grieving people. The guest of honor won’t care either way, but the living will better appreciate the thoughts. I missed a number of funerals during my Iraq years because we were busy over there. But when I returned I made sure to connect with the families.

    I have provided my kids my funeral wishes. They include the grilling of lots of meat, lots of liquor and a bonfire. “It should be an ‘appy occasion.” preferably with lots of mating activities in the shadows. My physical remains don’t matter but they had better request the VA provided marble headstone to turn into a coffee table- or use as the material to carve their own statue.

    Keeping people away from funerals for Kung Flu fears and flat out unhuman.

  13. Spudalicious

    I hate funerals with a passion. Throw a party and get over it. I’m dead.

    Open casket are the worst for me. One view and the body becomes that, a body. Memories, screwed.

    • Hyperion

      “I hate funerals with a passion. Throw a party and get over it. I’m dead.”

      Yeah, same here. It’s morbidly depressing. Maybe the Wake thing is the only way to go, or just don’t do it. I don’t want one. I would rather do like a cat does and just go out in the woods and die alone and not have anyone grieve over me and especially not cost them thousands of dollars for a funeral.

    • Nephilium

      I’ve made it clear to the girlfriend that I don’t care about what happens to me when I pass. But I do expect that my beer cellar will be emptied out during the wake.

      • Hyperion

        Same here… I mean I don’t have a girlfriend. But my wife and I were laughing recently because one of her cousin’s in Brazil told his wife ‘I don’t care what happens to me if I die of this virus, just bury me in the backyard. The only request I have is just bury a few cases of Heineken next to my body’. Works for me.

    • Jarflax

      Personally I agree. But the only people whose wishes matter in this regard are the surviving spouse/partner and the kids. I absolutely despise expensive funeral furnishings, coffins, elaborate headstones and the like. They are despicable fetishistic extortion from the bereived. But as far as funerals , wakes and especially old traditions like friends and relatives bringing by made dishes to help the surviving spouse go, I’m for them as desired by that spouse. As for the deceased, either they are simply gone, or they are embarking on their afterlife, in neither case are they concerned with the fit and finish of their coffin, or the quality of the booze at the wake.

  14. Naptown Bill

    I guess it depends on the family’s wishes. As a WASP, a fop, and a snob, I’m agin’ it, but then again we live in a time and place in which people get cursive bumper stickers to stick on their rear windows as a solemn memorial to departed loved ones, so what do I know? Personally, I think the state doesn’t have the right to say shit about it, but assuming people are trying to find a voluntary way to both quarantine themselves and honor the dead, I think a Zoom (or Teams, or whatever) wake is much more suitable than a funeral. Funerals, by which I mean both the funeral ceremony and the interment, are solemn affairs. You don’t want the priest to run into packet loss issues during the ceremony, and a video feed of a box being lowered into the ground while you’re sitting there at home looking at a monitor, maybe wearing pants, maybe not, isn’t the right mood.

  15. Q Continuum

    I think it’s complete bullshit, just like the rest of this lockdown. Hold a funeral and if people don’t want to come because they’re scared, they don’t have to. If requested, you could simultaneously broadcast it for those that are too scared, but to prohibit people from attending is the epitome of fear squashing liberty and humanity. If one of my loved ones died during this and some shithead tried to keep me away from the funeral I would be out for blood.

    • straffinrun

      They will lecture you on how “You want to kill Grandma!” and then force you to stay away as she gets put in the ground. Sick.

    • Digby something something Naked Intruder

      I actually own that CD (of the few I have). Love that movie and album.

  16. Fourscore

    Vietnamese, at least some, believe its important to return to their home after death. For those VN-American immigrants this can present a problem. The next best thing is to take the ashes to the Pacific, take a boat out and dump the ashes overboard. My MIL and BIL are on their way home, via the Pacific. Mrs Fourscore tells me the boat had many other VNs returning the same way.

    • Tejicano

      Just to clarify – do Vietnamese feel it is important to return to the home where they were last living or to their ancestral home?

      • Fourscore

        I’m not an authority, I believe they’d prefer to be back in their village (ancestral home) but at this point just to be in VN would be close enough. Mrs Fourscore has been married to me a long time and her beliefs are similar to mine. No funeral, no ceremony, donate our bodies to science if there are any takers.

        This is her home now anyway.

    • CPRM

      I think Hell on Wheels had something about sending the ashes of Japanese railroad workers back to their ancestral home.

      • Tejicano

        Japanese are usually buried in a communal family crypt – not an individual grave. So sending remains back is how things are usually done. An exception would be when the remaining family had moved – the crypt should be somewhere that the descendants can visit annually, take care of the site, and visit.

  17. Yusef drives a Kia

    Bullshit, let us have our Culture, now!
    /Fucking pissed…….

    • Q Continuum

      ^^^What he said.

    • Hyperion

      Shudup, white boy, you don’t have any culture. You just appropriate all the others!

  18. Count Potato

    “On the other hand, it infuriates me that so many people are dying alone unnecessarily and now the survivors are also being made to grieve alone. Words are all well and good, and video chat is better than none, but in no way whatsoever can it replace a hug, or a touch on the hand, when someone is hurting so deeply. It’s difficult via a digital interface to bring a casserole, open a bottle of wine, help with everyday things around the house, and ease, for a short time, the new and terrible emptiness in the home.

    People coming together to share a loss is as old as humanity. It breaks my heart that it’s now apparently only possible to do so remotely.”

    I agree.

    Another thing that disturbs me is that hospitals aren’t allowing visitors.

    So you have to wait as someone dies alone, then can’t be with your own family afterwards?

    That’s worse than any virus.

    • Hyperion

      During the Spanish Flu, entire families died.

      At least they died together.

      Now, our esteemed betters have decided that it’s better if you die alone if it only saves one life. I mean from Covid. No other deaths matter now, there’s not stats to pad, no fodder for the media in that.

      A reckoning had better be at hand. Some people are fucking evil. And for some reason, most of them wind up in elected office. It’s time for a reckoning.

      • Tejicano

        “Some people are fucking evil.”

        Some people are good at managing/governing people because they have true empathy for their fellow man. Others (too many others) are only good at it because they are sociopaths.

      • Hyperion

        “because they are sociopaths”

        Hate to say it, but truth must be known. Most of our elected ‘betters’ are sociopaths. They’re Karens with more cunning and more ambition.

      • Count Potato

        It’s scary and depressing. What if my mother has to go to the hospital? When she had a stroke, my being there, being able to explain things to her, being able to answer questions from the doctors and nurses, etc. made a difference.

    • SP

      Exactly. No reason people should be dying alone.

      When my mother died, her entire family was around the bed in the ICU. Me, OMWC, WebDom and husband, my son (Captain America), all my siblings and their spouses, my mother’s siblings. It was horrible, but it would have been a million times worse not being allowed to be there.

      • Hyperion

        Which is why we should be paying attention to what they have planned next with their ‘testing’. My fear, and we can all discuss this, is that they will try to quarantine family members from each other, you know, for the public good. It’s just pure evil.

  19. Crusty Juggler

    Couples that zoom together boom together.

    • straffinrun

      Coom together?

      • Crusty Juggler

        No. Boom. I settled on boom. Come up with your own sayings!

      • banginglc1

        Couples that zoom together don’t room together?

      • straffinrun

        I didn’t come up with that. Lennon did.

      • banginglc1

        That went right over me.

      • Crusty Juggler

        I am the Walrus?

      • straffinrun

        STFU, Crusty.

      • Bobarian LMD

        You’re a naughty girl, you let your knickers down?

      • Ted S.

        She’s been a naughty girl, she kept her knickers on.

      • Hyperion

        I remember one of my crazy uncles when I was a kid… not sure I ever saw that guy without a beer in his hand. He always had this stutter.

        He’d be telling another of his drunk stories, and he’d say ‘And then I told her d-d-d-d-d-d-drop them drawers buh-buh-buh-b-b-b-b-b baby!’.

      • commodious spittoon

        Coof together.

      • Ted S.

        Over you?

  20. Tejicano

    I cannot imagine “attending” a Zoom funeral service. I guess I’m instinctually insensitive to electronic live communication. People I want to be with I have little interest in calling or other forms of on-line communication. It just isn’t a substitute for me. For some reason a letter, e-mail, or comments like this are better – not a substitute for face-to-face but better than phone or Zoom-type communication. This may have something to do with my hearing damage – digital sound always seems weak to me.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      Whitmer said Thursday night at a virtual town hall. “For anyone to declare mission accomplished means they’re turning a blind eye to the fact that over 600 people have died in the last 72 hours.”

      This shit’s dangerous.

      • Hyperion

        It is. She knows she’s done in politics. So she wants to lash out one last time and punish them rednecks. She’d rather light the state house on fire and burn everyone trapped in it, than go silently into the night.

    • pistoffnick

      Walz added 2 more week to our incarceration.

      WHO THE FUCK DO THESE GOVERNORS THINK THEY ARE? That is some kind of arrogance ! They closed down the Boundary Waters Canoe Area (BWCA) for fuck’s sake. You can’t get much more socially distance than camping in the Boundary Waters.

      • Q Continuum

        The only possible explanations at this point are sadism and pure, unadulterated lust for power.

      • Lady Z

        I’m honest to God scared now. Something really nasty is going to happen.

      • Tundra

        *censors comment that probably would draw a swat team*

        He’s a worthless cunt

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        I never trusted those moose anyway. Besides it’s a prime STEVE SMITH area.

      • Bobarian LMD

        STEVE PRACTICE SOCIAL DISTANCE. TIP OF STEVE DICK MORE THAN 6 FEET AWAY.

      • Stillhunter

        In fairness the feds closed the BW. Still stupid as fuck. They also cancelled the tree planting this year. Can’t have those dirty migrant workers bringing in their disease!

  21. banginglc1

    This is america. We’re supposed to spend way too much to put a dead person in the ground and then eat potatoes afterwords. I can’t eat potatoes through a camera, therefore I don’t consider it a funeral.

    What am I supposed to do? Make my own fucking potatoes?

    • Q Continuum

      You’re supposed to fuck your own potatoes.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I thought you froze them and “applied” them to your hemorrhoids?

  22. CPRM

    A formal funeral can wait and phone calls or zoom can do for friends; but for love of God, be with the ones who are grieving with unless you know you’re actually sick. We all die of something, don’t make life suck.

    OT: By testing youtube searches for my cartoons I have noticed that CPRM is some kind of political party or political news group in India. Today I was uploading the newest cartoon (article submitted) and saw I had a new subscriber. I clicked to see who it was and it’s an Indian lady, sari and all. Diversity FTW!

    • Not Adahn

      Was she hot?

  23. Ted S.

    We haven’t bought the local paper since Mom died, so Dad’s missed news of several people whose funerals (or visiting hours) he’d otherwise have attended. One of our neighbors (well, she was in a nursing home with Parkinson’s) died a few weeks back and it took a week to find out. Her son died of cancer last summer and we didn’t find out for a couple of weeks.

    • Nephilium

      I blame Facebook and its users for that. I had at least one acquaintance pass that I only got any information about after the funeral when a friend texted me to ask why I wasn’t at the funeral.

      • straffinrun

        FB is a fine form of communication. The problem is that funeral notices are sammiched between pictures of Kermit sipping tea and the greatest man in the world. Kind of diminishes it.

      • pistoffnick

        “FB is a fine form of communication.”

        I disagree. I don’t do Facebook. I find it evil.

        There are many companies whose only web presence is on Facebook (my daughter’s former dance studio). I wonder what they are thinking, because they have lost me as a customer.

      • straffinrun

        People using FB ruined FB. My FB is 80% Japanese people and they use it without any political or virtue signalling crap. It’s actually quite pleasant.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        This. It sucked a lot less when it required an active university email to make an account.

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        People using FB ruined FB.

        FIFY. Not exactly trying to snark, but, people are the reason for FB to exist, and, the reason it’s trashy poison.

        I stay away.

      • Nephilium

        I never signed up for Facebook, have no interest in it. I get more annoyed by places that have a web presence, but then just link everything back to their Facebook page.

      • Dry_Gin_Wet_Farts

        I wonder what they are thinking, because they have lost me as a customer.

        You were never a customer. You were the product.

      • pistoffnick

        Exactly

  24. straffinrun

    Would Pol Pot Zoom a bulldozing of bodies into a mass grave? I don’t think so, proving he cares more than you.

    • Hyperion

      Pol Pot was a backward hick, compared to the great dear leaders who are to come. He tried to send people into the countryside to grow their own food. Today’s enlightened leaders are going to cram you into micro units, stacked up to the very heavens into densely populated mega cities and make you dependent on government gruel. Be good citizen, and you might survive the new pandemic panic we have in store for you! /your dear leaders

  25. l0b0t

    What’s up with this Epoch Times? Are they owned by Chinese dissidents (Falun Gong?)? So many adverts on DerpTube and they are all bitching about China.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Yes. It’s the Chinese version of Washington Times.

    • Chafed

      Good question. I am also wondering.

  26. SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

    Just found out today that TrashBaby#2 is going to be a girl the gender of xe’s choice.

    2 girls… Coming from a guy who had 2 brothers and lived with his dad after the parents got divorced…. I can already feel the estrogen eating at my eyes.

    • pistoffnick

      Congratulations?Condolences!

      Have you figured out how this keeps happening?

    • Nephilium

      A friend of mine has three daughters. He gets very defensive when we point out that gender is generally determined by the male donor.

      Good luck to you man.

    • CPRM

      I can already feel the estrogen eating at my eyes.

      That’s off label use, I’m reporting you! -Karen

      • CPRM

        Also, do you only have 1 nut? Tacoma FD said one nut is the boy nut and one nut is the girl nut. Did you lose your boy nut?

      • Ted S.

        Hitler has only got one ball,
        Göring has two but they’re quite small.

    • DEG

      Congratulations!

    • l0b0t

      Congratulations!

      Fun Fact – My Lubavitcher SiL cranked out 4 boys before getting the girl she wanted; she had twins. She now has 4 boys aged 19 – 10, 9 year old twin girls, and tightly tied tubes so as to never have to have another kid.

    • straffinrun

      Seriously, consider the name “Karen”.

    • Count Potato

      Congrats!

    • Lady Z

      Think of it as character building.
      Congrats!

    • Crusty Juggler

      Gay

    • Tundra

      Congrats, trashy!

      Just remember, they’ll love you waaaaay more than they love their mom.

      Especially after you finance the big-ass weddings!!

    • Chafed

      Congrats Trashy. I have two daughters. I wouldn’t trade for anything. But yes, sometimes will need to search out some testosterone.

    • Stillhunter

      Congratulations! My BIL has four daughters (two are twins). The youngest is 19 I think. He spent a LOT of time in his man cave over the years.

    • Ozymandias

      Congrats, Trashy. All that matters is that they’re healthy when they come out.
      Being tied to a particular gender is a modern luxury.

  27. commodious spittoon

    Zoom is for boomers. Give your eulogies over Discord. ????☠️??

    • Heroic Mulatto

      F

      • slumbrew

        U

      • Jarflax

        R

      • Plinker762

        R

      • slumbrew

        I

      • CPRM

        K

    • commodious spittoon

      Funny, just last week it was OnlyFans performers getting angry with ProjektMelody over appropriating their hard work trendsetting in adult entertainment…

  28. The Hyperbole

    It has it’s place, about five years ago my oldest uncle died he was 85 so it wasn’t a surprise and his kids and grand-kids were scattered all over the country. one of my cousins set up whatever passed for zoom at the time (Skype maybe) and many of our west coast relatives gathered at one of his daughters house out in California while the rest of us gathered here in Ohio, We were able to do all the “I remember when you were this big” and “At least he didn’t suffer long” and all the other funeral BS. It worked for us. But then again we weren’t forced to do it, and we aren’t that close of a family, for instance I have an aunt that I have never met.

  29. Bobarian LMD

    My father-in-law passed right after the start of MooGooGaiPanic, and we’re the only local family…

    The funeral home set up a feed via facebook live for the service and my Wife’s brother and sister and their uncle watched via that,

    I think waiting to have a proper funeral would have been better more appropriate, but not really sure it would have been much different, other than my SiL pissing everyone off in person, rather than from a distance.

    I guess it’s really a matter of the personal situation.

    • Hyperion

      My dad’s 91 and I have one brother and one sister who live near him. My sister is retired and my brother sometimes works, but you never know when, or not. He’s one of those guys who seems to be all over the place all of the time, for his entire life. For the past few years, they are both most often completely off schedule with us working folk.

      I cannot even remember, not even count how many phone calls I have gotten over the past few years at 2am or 4:30am in the morning and when it wakes me up the first thing I think is ‘Who’s dead, WTF? Oh fuck it’s my dad!’. Only to call back and have one of them say ‘Just wondering what you’re doin?’. And I say ‘Jesus F’in Christ, is everything OK?’. And then I get ‘Yeah, why?’. And I say ‘Because it’s 3 fucking AM in the morning!’. And then they’ll say ‘Oh, were you working or something? Just wondering what you’re doing’.

    • Hyperion

      When did HM take over Vice?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        A few years ago.

      • Hyperion

        OK. We expect more thicness!

    • slumbrew

      Wow.

      “They have hit rock bottom and started digging”.

  30. Tundra

    Hard no.

    I’m actually a fan of funerals, especially for those you only knew in part of their lives.

    When my grandma died, I met the young couple that lived next to her at the (well attended) wake. My grandma was a warrior. Lost her husband in 1974 and never remarried (although she had a steady boyfriend until she died in 2001). We were close, but not that close. She was very independent.

    Anyhow, the dude next door told me he was renovating his house, which included blown insulation in the attic. Apparently, my grandma watched him going up and down the ladder to keep refilling the hopper, so she volunteered to keep the hopper full. He said at one point the gun went empty, he turned around and there was my 80 yo grandma at the top of the ladder asking where the rest of the insulation was.

    We lost her in 2001 to a stroke. They found her on the floor of her kitchen, where she had been repairing the exhaust hood on her range. She lingered for a few hours (until we all got there) and died peacefully). Total badass.

    Missing out on the wake/funeral would have been a monster loss for me. I want to be there for my people.

    • Nephilium

      Funerals I would take a pass on if I could. The wake is where all the fun shit gets spilled.

      When my grandmother died a couple years back, at the funeral I got to hear the priest compare her to JFK (while teaching my nephews the Catholic calisthenics). At the family gathering afterwards, the fun stories came out, including one of my (half Indian) cousins worrying that grandma would not have approved of her current situation (she was in her 40’s and had a kid with her black boyfriend). I then reminded her that my niece was born when my sister was 15, and grandma loved them. And when grandma got drunk at the last family gathering we were at, I was the one gathering her wrath for not getting married and carrying on the family name.

      My sister has been put in charge of the cousins’ gathering that was supposed to happen this summer. Maybe the Commie Cough/Kung Flu/COVID/etc. will save me from another year of dealing with my extended family.

      • hayeksplosives

        Wakes are definitely more enjoyable.

        In a sudden unexpected death, sometimes it is too soon for a wake, but then an informal get-together later on might be the thing.

    • hayeksplosives

      So far I have been blessed to be in a helper role or a secondary or tertiary level relative so I haven’t had to deal with all-consuming grief at the same time as effectively hosting a major life event.

    • Stillhunter

      Awesome story! She sounds like a good one!

  31. hayeksplosives

    I didn’t go to many funerals for a long time. I remember my maternal Grandfather’s funeral; we kids had known him so it seemed proper.

    My mom is just not much of an “attender” of some form of gathering. She can do it, and make everyone think she was having a great time, but if she can avoid it she will. So few funerals and weddings.

    When I started running the sound and video booth at church was when I got exposed to a variety of funerals and weddings. When you’re at the church early setting up, you will see all kinds of family moments from tender ones to squabbling vultures.

    Once the deceased was a church member I knew so I went to pass by and pay my respects before the people came and funeral began. As I stood looking At her in her casket, it was obvious that she and I were wearing the same style of blouse, same color and pattern. My husband whispered, “If I showed up to church in the same outfit as someone else, I would just die.” So I was stuck there trying to disguise my giggles as tears in case anybody was watching from the back of the church.

    You can’t Zoom that.

    • Tundra

      Perfect.

      Thanks, ‘splosives.

      Punch the old man for me, eh?

      • hayeksplosives

        Duly arm-punched.

  32. one true athena

    When my dad passed in mid-Feb, there wasn’t a wake or funeral because he didn’t want one. What friends he had left all live far away and wouldn’t have come to a ceremony anyway. We want to do a family spreading of his ashes, but that wasn’t going to be until summer anyway since it’s supposed to be in the mountains.

    But I live near my mom, so I keep an eye on her. And she has told me in no uncertain terms that she would rather risk dying of the commieflu than not see me or her grandson, now that she’s alone in their place. So I visit and help out, and sure I know I might spread it to her and she might die of it, but I’d still rather risk it and not have her, I dunno, starve herself to death all alone for a month, grieving her husband of 50 years.

    • Tundra

      Spot on.

      It’s her goddamn choice. I hope in 10 years she’s still awesome.

      • Tundra

        And I’m very sorry about your dad. I hope you all are doing OK.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      We just went to Dinner with the Kids for Wendy’s passing, it was a good thing..

  33. Chafed

    I don’t have anything to add to what people have said above. But I am looking forward to watching the funerals of Whitmer, Newsom, and Murphy on Zoom.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I built the lights so you could orient at night, and I have heard people yelling UFO!, a truly stable platform, and hella good time,
      /Yusef does fly R/C

    • hayeksplosives

      Whoa! That will be cool.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I’m going to do a build article to show how it’s done, pretty simple actually, and it looks great at night, thanks!

    • KSuellington

      Cue the “ufos spotted over Arizona city” articles. Looks cool.

  34. slumbrew

    I just wrote an uncomfortably large check to “United States Treasury”, which I shall be mailing tomorrow. Also a smaller, but by no means insignificant, check to “The Commonwealth of Massachusetts”.

    I am now drinking rye.

    • KSuellington

      If all the taxpayers had to actually cut checks to the government we would in all likelihood have more movement towards reduced taxes.

      • slumbrew

        Taxes due via check, day before Election Day.

  35. Digby something something Naked Intruder

    Do what seems right for you, and, realize that others will have their own. If you try the one-size-fits-all approach, there is an almost-certainty of drama/insufficient catharsis.

    That’s my $.02

    • straffinrun

      What’s right for you might kill my deceased grandma.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I thought the time travelers go after young Adolf.

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        #FamilySecret, indeed.

        /Your Granny’s mustache is…interesting

      • Chafed

        Ewwww.

      • CPRM

        I got TWO dead grandma’s to worry about!

      • straffinrun

        Maternal or Paternal? NTTAWWT.

      • CPRM

        Fuck your biological patriarchy!

  36. Gustave Lytton

    Oh yay! The alternate WP format is back.

  37. slumbrew

    Not Adahn – just saw your post in the last thread re: https://www.villamexicocafe.us/salsa

    I’m stoked that you ordered some – Julie is just the sweetest lady, and I’m sure that helps her out a ton.

    I confess I was trepidatious when you said you were going to order some – I haven’t actually been to the store in a couple years – “is it as awesome as I remember? Did the quality fall off?”. Happy to hear I needn’t have worried.

    Goddamn do I want a burrito right now.

  38. Yusef drives a Kia

    I can’t deal with this, it’s unreadable…..

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      and now it’s fine, i’m going to bed…

    • Chafed

      I assume the bad here is he missed.

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        Yeah…::sigh::

      • Chafed

        That is disappointing.

    • Hyperion

      It’s Cali. I’m surprise the homeowner is not in jail for trying to defend himself.

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        I am, too. But, good on them.

    • straffinrun

      Mormon run site called “The Blaze”. Too bad “High Times” was already taken.

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        This is true, but, it doesn’t address their twin publication.

        /c’mon–people will totally misread the name, and buy that shit up

    • l0b0t

      And now I’m head-over-heels, puppy-dog-in-love with Lena Miculek. She’s skilled, beautiful, and , let’s face it, Jerry would be the best FiL ever.

  39. Q Continuum

    I may have found the perfect open carry gun. Taurus 608, 8-shot .357 with a 4″ ported barrel. The thing is a damn brick and with the ports, it’s got barely any recoil, even with a .357. You can crank off 8 rounds and it’ll barely leave the target. Grip’s big but as long as you have moderately large hands it’s quite comfortable.

    • Digby something something Naked Intruder

      Not arguing with your choice, but, I keep replaying this scene, after viewing a pic of the “brick”.

  40. Hyperion

    OK

    Jesus Fucking Christ. If anyone has any doubt anymore that the media is our worst enemy, please explain to me why you feel that way?

    • Digby something something Naked Intruder

      I guess he prefers the taste of ChiCom cock.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Great taste! Less filling!

      • Hyperion

        lol

      • slumbrew

        It’s the hydroxy-α-sanshool that really makes it authentic.

    • CPRM

      Well, I agree. Modern China isn’t communist, they are fascist. But, that only means a true communist response would be even worse.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Fascism with Chinese characteristics.

    • slumbrew

      for some it’s looking increasingly attractive

      Yes, for authoritarian shitbags.

      • Lady Z

        They have to model themselves on something.

    • straffinrun

      We will only halt Covid-19 through solidarity. No country can do it alone,” the Communist Party-controlled state owned mouthpiece China Daily said in an editorial this month.

      *Lech Wałęsa farts in your general direction*

      • straffinrun

        And that mouthpiece? *unzips*

  41. CPRM

    Digby, I sent you a present, via e-mail, so you can give me adulation. I like compliments, but not false praise! Tread lightly!

    • Digby something something Naked Intruder

      Ha! Also, I just resolved my own question/input thing about the end (I turned up the volume).

      Excellente`!

      • CPRM

        Yeah, since I’m doing all the steps, I leave the visuals out of the script. And also, I wrote this before I read SF’s last episode where they broke the fourth wall. It’s scary how in tune we are on things like that.

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        Oh, yeah….SF’s episodes. Heh heh heh….

        ::looks around nervously for the door::

  42. straffinrun

    Took a while, but it finally flipped on. I knew I should look at what’s happening as something that is just happening. Something has to happen, doesn’t it? Why not view the world as reality unfolding in real time? There will always be a war to fight and slavers to fuck off. I accept my role with joy.

    • Hyperion

      “I accept my role with joy.”

      So let it be written, so let it be done.

      Let’s do it, slavers.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        So Say we All,

      • straffinrun

        I’m king in my own mind and my edicts are fluid.

      • Gustave Lytton

        It’s good to be the king, baby.

      • straffinrun

        *steps in piss bucket*

      • Hyperion

        They wanted war. I never wanted war. Then they gave me no choice. And now I will accept nothing less. No surrender, take no prisoners.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Heavy, True,

      • CPRM
      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        I am never prepared for how much older the band/front-man looks these days. For some reason, they are perpetually in their 90’s look, in my brain.

      • CPRM

        I think only Ed Roland (the lead singer) might be left from the original line up. Which is kind of fitting, Hint’s, Allegations and Things Left Unsaid , their first album, was him playing all the instruments, the band was made up after the fact. But it’s also sad as one of the band members gifted a job was his younger brother, another was his best friend who ended up stealing his wife.

    • Hyperion

      I was talking to a co-worker a while back who’s Jamaican and she didn’t know this song.

      I said ‘You aint’ Jamaican and…’

      I don’t like cricket

  43. Yusef drives a Kia

    Just chatted with an old Boss, he has some new work coming up, maybe traveling Yusef again!
    /Money!

    • straffinrun

      Go get it, Y-man!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Bella and me, on the Road again, fun times…

    • Tejicano

      Finally some good news! Good to hear it.

      • straffinrun

        TJ, my brother and I are gonna throw back some beers tomorrow at his business after he closes up for the day. If you wanna come over, you’re welcome. Near Mitaka.

      • Tejicano

        Hey Straff – thanks for the invite. I’d love to do it but I have to be on the road early the next morning. Taking the family to a local Navy base to do some shopping and just get out of the house for a couple days. It took a bit of discussion to get my wife to go along with it as she is an obedient Japanese – which means she’s concerned about attention from the Karen-Obasans in the neighborhood.

      • straffinrun

        Next time then. Enjoy getting out. If our family camping trips get canceled this summer, I’ll be bummed.

      • Tejicano

        Yeah, I really wish I could be there. I haven’t sat down for a beer with an actual friend in a couple months. I would have enjoyed meeting your Bro.

        We’re hoping to score a few more camping items so we can camp out on our roof top next week. We had a cabin at Tama Hills scheduled for this weekend – until they got the panic and closed up shop.

    • slumbrew

      He linked to his own article from 2 years ago – what more do you want‽

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        We need to contact those academics who were writing the bogus papers, and get them on the case.

        Holy crap, talk about pre-conceived conclusions… I also noticed that none of these “researchers” were actually psychologists/psychiatrists.

      • Chafed

        If he said it 2 years ago it must be true.

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        #BelieveAllSocialScientists

    • CPRM

      Or maybe…just maybe…they know that the risk is lower than reported, and that unless you’re wearing a mask that can reduce particulates down to the microbial level that creates a perfect seal on your face it’s all theater. But no, we’re just science deniers.

  44. Shpip

    The wife and I have this agreement: the survivor keeps traveling and spreads the ashes of the decedent, one Zip-lock baggie at a time. So a little bit of me goes back to that beach in Kauai that we like, or Mallory Square in Key West, etc.

    Or maybe she’ll get sick of doing that, and I can just bail.

    • slumbrew

      My wife brought the issue up recently – my observation “I shall beyond caring” is, apparently, insufficient.

      Somewhat complicated by the fact that she is Jewish and I am not, so I dunno what the options are.

      • straffinrun

        I’m going in the wife’s family’s grave plot.

      • Tejicano

        I’m going to our temple’s communal crypt. I’ve already been in there when we moved a relative from wherever my F-I-L is from when a flood destroyed that plot. Kinda strange having been inside the vault where I will supposedly be spending the rest of history.

    • CPRM

      Except, the wife is cheap and all of your ashes get stuffed into a gallon brand store bag and chucked off the nearest overpass before she shacks up with someone else…Damn I’m cynical.

      Speaking of which, in my dreams last night local bars were in perpetual shutdown, and one local bar got to open a ‘shot stand’ and all the Karens were making sure no one ever went into the actual bar. I don’t even go to bars! Stop making me defend Trump bars!

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        Some of these Karens need a good munching, to help keep them preoccupied/mellow.

        The others can go screw.

      • straffinrun

        Teenage me had trouble finding wank material. This worked in pinch. Why? Dunno.

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        Maybe it was the sense of ‘relief’?

    • CPRM

      Joke for 2000s kids Old People ‘Look at the DSL on her’ ‘She has internet?’ ‘No, Dick sucking lips.’

    • CPRM

      Are you the one in the pic wearing a mask? Are you a prophet?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Yes,

  45. PieInTheSky

    My general thought is zoom is not same as physical presence and as such i don’t see the point.

    • Tejicano

      Because it’s the state approved alternative to how it is supposed to be so you get 25 Karen Points in your record. 35 points if it was a close relative.

  46. Yusef drives a Kia

    I pulled out some R/C stuff today, Quads and a few large planes, some rebuilding, but most of my Toys are Ready to Fly, Yippee!

  47. straffinrun

    At the shithole coffee shop surrounded by geriatrics. Shop music: Sexual Feeling. The widow Yamamoto lookin’ hawt.

    • Digby something something Naked Intruder

      Or, at least, ‘warm, amirite??

      • Tejicano

        Tepid?

  48. salted earth

    T-shirt idea.

    My body, my choice, no mask.

    • Digby something something Naked Intruder

      Heh!

    • Tejicano

      Linky (or lack thereof) no worky

      • salted earth

        my idea, no link

        just mad that if i want to go to Costco next week i’ll have to wear a mask

      • Chafed

        Their store. Their choice.

      • salted earth

        i know

      • salted earth

        It was what we/they should have done from the start instead of a lot of the other stuff.
        I am just frustrated with the whole situation. And I feel like those who want to keep stuff shut down are the only ones with a voice.

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        It was what we/they should have done from the start

        So much this.

      • salted earth

        Also, it is a bit weird that I can choose to kill my unborn child but I can’t leave the house without a mask on because someone might get sick.

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        Well, there’s healthcare that you choose, and then, there’s healthcare that you must do, or, else.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Ditto. For me, also the lack of any restraint or any suggestion that persuasion and voluntariness should be the primary methods. Instead, turn the force or else dial all the way to 11 from the start. And the lying. Transparent clear lying. None of the fucksticks in high office want to inconvenience themselves.

        Who am I kidding? I’m surprised that there isn’t a #nohandwashing movement because politics. Or that CNN hasn’t created one.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I’d say sole methods, but that’s a ship even further out to sea.

        *raises nightcap to Winston*

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        “B-b-but…when people have your idea of liberty, they’ll make wrong choices! ‘Liberty’ only means the freedom to do the right thing.”

        I’ve actually seen that argument made before. It was an ostensibly ‘conservative’ woman (a talking head; not anyone I know). Not surprising, really, but, it did make my heart sink a bit further.

  49. Yusef drives a Kia

    Bella just had a seizure, two days in a row, i’m not digging it,

    • Digby something something Naked Intruder

      How long have they lasted, roughly?

    • salted earth

      Sorry Yusef, that sucks. Is she having any other problems?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        only about a minute,which is better than when She was younger, She is a healthy, happy Dog, except for the seizures, and she hasn’t had one i over a year, Ithought she gre out of them,
        /My Puppy

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        Any chance it’s stress-related? Not that you’ve got anything particularly big going on, per se. Just that she may be adjusting to your current ‘new normal’, and it might pass once she’s adjusted.

        /just spit-balling

      • salted earth

        Still pretty scary. Hope she goes a long spell without another one.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Me too, I love my Dog, and I freak when she seizes, my poor puppy..

      • Festus

        Posting late so you’ll probably never see it but it might be heat related. She’s been through the same stressors as you regarding the loss of Wendy without understanding why her second-favorite two-leg isn’t around anymore… Just food for thought… All the best to you and Bella and Kitteh!

  50. Tejicano

    Making a Tamale pie for dinner tonight. My wife doesn’t really care for baked Masa but I have a bag of Masa Harina that’s been sitting forever and something has to happen with it. And I’ve been Jonesing for some home made Tamale cooking for a while. We’ll have Carnitas Tacos as well as beans & rice so she doesn’t go hungry.

    • Digby something something Naked Intruder

      My wife doesn’t really care for baked Masa but I have a bag of Masa Harina that’s been sitting forever and something has to happen with it.

      Makes me laugh, but, I totally get it.

      • Tejicano

        Yeah, I grew up on the southern US border so I have childhood memories of properly fried corn Masa products. It isn’t so much an acquired taste as it is often not done right by people who don’t know what that fried sweet spot is. When done wrong it can be kinda gritty and dry. A Tamale crust generally has that texture – while a correctly fried Tortilla (like my Carnitas Tacos will be) will be almost a pastry by comparison.

      • l0b0t

        Sigh… I’ve grown to absolutely HATE soft corn tortillas in the US – gritty, weird taste, crumbling away at first bite. I’ve been sticking to wheat flour for years. Might I perhaps trouble you for a wee block of instruction so as to replicate the deliciousness I remember from my El Paso/Juarez days?

  51. CPRM

    2 more days of work then I’m laid off again on Funemployment again!

    • CPRM

      Alt-Right, new cartoon coming when SP deems it. Sleep Now.

  52. Yusef drives a Kia

    If something happens to my Dog, that’s it, i’m Done,

  53. Gustave Lytton

    Saw a Subaru covid commercial tonight. Waiting for the SF interpretation now.

    • Digby something something Naked Intruder

      the SF interpretation

      Ooooh…that very thought makes me happy, in a rather sad sort of way.

      /pleasepleaseplease let this be a thing.

  54. AlmightyJB

    Why are birds chirping at 3:30am?

    • Digby something something Naked Intruder

      Birds don’t live by your rules, man! Or, your clocks, man! Just ask Lynyrd Skynyrd.

    • The Hyperbole

      Maybe they are

      ( •_•)>⌐■-■
      (⌐■_■)

      Night owls.

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        Who?

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        ?

      • Tejicano

        Hooters?

      • Digby something something Naked Intruder

        Mmm hmm…

    • Festus

      Horny.

  55. UnCivilServant

    It’s so quiet. I don’t hear any neighbors, or birds, or dogs, just my keyboard

      • Sean

        Errr…meant as a new post.

        Good morning UCS.

      • Sean

        The birds are pretty noisy around these parts. They’re cute to watch, but I wish they’d stop pooping on my car. ?

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, gentlemen.

      • Sean

        ?☕

        Mornin’

      • UnCivilServant

        That reminds me, I have a smaller coffee pot arriving today so that I’m not stuck making more than I can safely consume.

        No word on if it has a timer.

      • Gender Traitor

        If so, best thing ever.

        If not, just set it up the night before, and as long as you wake up with enough motor skills to push the button, you’re golden.

      • UnCivilServant

        I also need to have enough time to prepare and consume it. The later I drag myself out of bed, the less slack time there is before I have to be at the office.

      • Gender Traitor

        Hmmm….I’d need to see how it corners.

    • straffinrun

      Better than just you Ouija board.

    • The Hyperbole

      Almost, I’d go with

      “It is so quiet.
      No neighbors, or birds, or dogs,
      only my keyboard”

      • The Hyperbole

        I wasn’t given much to work with.

      • UnCivilServant

        Did you ever think there was no need to change it? Or that prose is the superior form of communication?

      • The Hyperbole

        Nope, not for a second.

      • UnCivilServant

        There’s your problem.

        That will be $50,000

    • Mojeaux

      daily hummings:

      hard drives
      Zippi fan
      fluorescent light
      ice maker
      highway traffic

      … mechanical rhythms of the information age …

      police, fire, ambulance
      trash
      leaf blowers, lawn mowers

      Mornin’, UCS.

      • Festus

        Horning in on Yusef’s turf, Young Lady!

  56. SP

    Yes, funerals are for the living. Doesn’t make it suck less for those left behind. I was too ill and it was too complicated with OMWC’s work life to attend my Mom’s memorial service and it still kills me that I wasn’t there.

    • Sean

      Ouch. That’s rough. Sorry to hear that.

    • Festus

      Yeah, condolences SP. I wanted to go to my Grandparents’ services but life and distance got in the way. My parents? Whatever. We’d been estranged for a decade.

  57. Festus

    Regarding SP’s article I think that some people grieve differently than others. I’ve carried the casket five times for friends and attended funerals for at least a half dozen more before I could grow a proper beard. I used to think that once you got past 25 or so that you’d find that sweet spot in the actuarial table but no. I had a spate of my cohort kick the can when I was about 30-ish. Of course, that’s not counting my Grandparents and Mom and Dad, none of whose funerals I attended because reasons. We had some rollicking wakes for friends that passed and it helped. I’ve made my own arrangements clear. No announcement, no funeral, burn me up in a cardboard box and scatter the bone-bits in my favorite fishing creek. I’ll be giving back something to the place that gave so much joy and adventure.

    • straffinrun

      And if I’m still around, I’ll hoist one to one of the good ones. *Cheers, Festus*

      • Festus

        Awww *single gushing manly tear duct*

    • Fourscore

      Mornin’ son, for me I’ll be in the garden when the time comes, assuming the sciencey folks have no need for a worn out shell. I like my time in the dirt, when there’s no snow on the ground. There is a small river on my property that empties into a bigger river that empties into the Mississippi. Worst case I could be on my way to New Orleans for Mardi Gras.

      Bull heads will accept the whole thing, no prep necessary. Have a good day, Festus, now get some rest

  58. straffinrun

    Imagine all the awkward conversations we’d have to have if it turns out that CV19 can only be contracted via anal sex.

    • UnCivilServant

      Why? We know that’s not the case.

      • straffinrun

        Aren’t you a creator of alternate universes?

    • Festus

      Gonna be a lot of scrubs with some ‘splaining to do. Either that or the resident decrepit Lotharios… Some Hugh Hefner wannabe will become “Patient 0”.

  59. Gender Traitor

    I’m ‘twixt & ‘tween on the idea of a funeral via Zoom. Maybe it’s better than nothing and/or better than waiting? Either way, it should be the family’s choice. The state should just butt right out.

    For no good reason, what really angers me are the recent commercials pushing the idea that a “virtual wedding” is just as good as an in-person one! Bullshit! Anything that is trying to persuade me to be happy with “the new normal” (my personal trigger words) gets my back up.

    • Festus

      We’re all in this together, Tovarisch!

  60. straffinrun

    Thanks to OMWC for turning me on to One Man Bando.

    • Festus

      That was pretty cool! I like how he has Sloop’s mustache and plays slide with an actual broken-off neck of a beer bottle.

  61. Gender Traitor

    Rumblings of more discontent in Ohio, as Dewine extends stay-at-home order (with some phased-in exceptions) through May.

    Some businesses not included in the plan’s first phase are threatening to reopen today, including Club Evolution on North Patterson Boulevard in downtown Dayton.

    “I am running out of money and nobody is helping. At this point, we have nothing to lose,” owner Grant Dixon told the Dayton Daily News.

    Health Commissioner Jeff Cooper, Public Health — Dayton & Montgomery County, said Thursday that businesses not in compliance with the state’s plan will be investigated and given a cease and desist order if applicable.

    C&D orders aren’t going to be enough. How far is the state willing to take this?

    • straffinrun

      Morning, GT. I can’t concentrate due to da booze, but I’ll assume the government is not here to help.

    • Festus

      The State is bluffing. They know that their hole cards are shit. I don’t see Kent State happening now because most people don’t get their news from Walter fucking Cronkite anymore. They either back down or double down and as much as I despise those cuntes I don’t feature them actually opening fire on soccer Moms and Dad-bods quite yet. I hope I’m right.

    • Ted S.

      And yet big business is still doing the fucking “meals for so-called heroes who still have full-time jobs” bullshit virtue signalling.

    • Mojeaux

      Mornin’ all you early bird (and night owl) Glibbies.

      Forgot my last ECA stack yesterday afternoon so I ended up church-nodding around 7:00 p.m. and made it to 10:30 before hitting the sheets. And now here it is 6:50 God Daylight Time and I’m awake. Do not like.

      • Festus

        Welcome to my worrrrld in Jim Reeves cadence.

  62. straffinrun

    Biden will win the remaining primaries by double digits, but will be taken down by a single digit.

    • straffinrun

      Hopefully, Hype will grace me with advice on how to reword this joke.

      • Festus

        Damn.

      • Festus

        Should have read FINGERBANG! Premature comment.

      • straffinrun

        He’ll finger out I’m just playing.

      • The Hyperbole

        Try and work in “Phalanges”, it’s a funny word.

      • Festus

        The Hype is an onager. (I used to do the NYT’s Crossword too)

      • The Hyperbole

        Oh, and maybe try to turn it into a limerick.

    • Fourscore

      I got the story, Straff, laughed as one can laugh at 0700

    • Festus

      Up here they are banning scary black rifles with the thing that goes up in the wake of the Nova Scotia lunatic and there is not one goddamned thing we can do about it.

    • Ted S.

      No it won’t, because you have to click through each item in the list.

      • Mojeaux

        There are page buttons. I went straight to it.

        Spoiler: Right to bear arms.

  63. straffinrun

    I may be a drunk idiot, but I do think it’s hilarious that the team that was aghast at “grabbem by the pussy” is now defending the finger popping daddy.

    • Festus

      Nothing much surprises me anymore. Maybe an alien ship landing or the occasional unwanted boner.

      • JD is Unemployed

        My theory is that alien ships never land because why would they? They can see what’s going on from a low orbit and that’s probably close enough as far as they’re concerned.