About The Author

CPRM

CPRM

Organic troll farmer.

366 Comments

  1. Count Potato

    Bald Trump was hilarious!

    • CPRM

      He was bald once before, in episode 2 when the hair left his head while he was sleeping.

      • Count Potato

        There is a non-zero chance I was drinking when I saw that and don’t remember.

      • CPRM

        Hell, I was drinking when I wrote it, voiced it, animated it and it premiered here; I get it bro.

  2. AlmightyJB

    I gotta say. Modelo Negra is really delicious.

    • Hyperion

      It’s the only good one. The Especial is horrid swill.

      • AlmightyJB

        Well I’ve moved on to Miller Lite at this point:)

      • CPRM

        Hey, Red Dog isn’t distributed everywhere, so not everyone can enjoy the good stuff like me.

      • AlmightyJB

        Yes, Aluminum pint bottle. The best cheap beer:)

      • westernsloper

        That is my cheap beer of choice too. I have upgraded to Mich Ultra for the extra 3 bucks a case in these hard times because I assume I will be dead soon.

      • The Hyperbole

        Miller High Life is just as cheap economical and you don’t run the risk of having girls laugh at you for drinking a ‘lite’ beer.

      • AlmightyJB

        That has actually never happened. In my entire life.

      • Rebel Scum

        It’s the only good one.

        I, too, like Modelo Negro. It’s the only Mexican beer I like, besides Tecate. But I only had Tecate while already tipsy.

        Amusing to me: My Columbian neighbors always have cases of regular Modelo and Corona in their garbage. They go through that shit like crazy.

    • westernsloper

      I like it. Although I like the normy Modelo too. Prefer Pacifico to both as far as Mexican beer goes.

      • Hyperion

        Drinking a Pacifico Clara right now. I hate Modelo Especial, it has a nasty sort of aftertaste to it. But really like the Negra.

      • Rebel Scum

        Dos Equis is probably the worst of the worst. It is like someone decided to put essence-of-barn into a bottle.

    • LJW

      Agreed, I also enjoy a Tecate on occasion.

    • DEG

      It is.

    • Count Potato

      It is good, but Modelo used to be way less expensive.

  3. Tulip

    He kept us out of work.

    Sigh.

    • Rhywun

      *dark chuckle*

  4. westernsloper

    “Re-elect Donald Trump. He kept us out of work.” Nice touch, although I am not sure he is the one who closed all the businesses.

    • Tres Cool

      I dont think Trump closed anything. It was all governor’s yankin their power-peepees

      • Trials and Trippelations

        Don’t forget the mayors. We are at no gatherings greater than 5 in my city.

        I think the only family on the street that was willing to play with my kids will no longer do so due to the new order. I think my wife thinks they are afraid of being NARC’ed on

      • Rebel Scum

        It was all governor’s yankin their power-peepees

        ^

    • The Hyperbole

      Look Fat, the “President” gets blamed for and gets credit for everything that happens on his watch whether he has shit to do with it or not. That’s just science.

      • westernsloper

        Heh…..I did a batch of pizza dough today in anticipation of finishing alterations on Frankenoven. Instead of 1/2 sesame, 1/2 normal I doubled the oil and a T of each sesame and olive. I find this gives a better chew to the crust. It is sitting in the fridge for a few day ferment.

    • Sean

      Yeah…in my case, it was that assclown Tom Wolf.

      *spits on ground*

      • Sean

        To clarify…that assclown shut down our business as nonessential. I’m still working and hopefully will be until we get to officially reopen. My coworkers? Not so “lucky”.

      • CPRM

        No, but they don’t want their competitors to make make money if they shutdown because of slow business. Just like car dealerships on Sundays with Blue Laws.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        they don’t want their competitors to make make money

        Yep–never underestimate the desire of stupid people to cut off body parts to spite other body parts

      • Hyperion

        I guess I’m fortunate enough to have apps that are used in medical research. I’ve had to intervene 2 times in the last couple of days for studies that were Cov19 related and cannot be held up for any reason like ‘that’s the way the app works, on purpose’.

        I don’t know anyone personally, who is out of work, yet, or who’s not retired and do it doesn’t matter.

        The one thing that really bothered me is when our local deli had to shut down and they’d been in business for 59 years. I talked to the current owner a lot and he looked worried last time I saw him. Now their doors are closed for good. Very sad stuff.

      • Ozymandias

        IT’S FOR THEIR OWN GOOD, TRUMPTARD! DON’T YOU EVEN SCIENCE!1!1!11!!! #squarethecircleorsomething

    • CPRM

      But, he ain’t stoppin them. If you let Governor Hitler start up the gas chambers you’re pretty shitty as well.

      • westernsloper

        I am not sure that is apples to apples. But I agree if he would spend more time encouraging the non plague rampant states to open up but he has governors calling for a national lock down so infected people don’t travel to their states. My most favorite scenario is he brings on someone who can articulate how fucking wrong the models were and gov’s shutting down their states was really a poorly thought out over reaction. I am not holding my breath though.

  5. Hyperion

    What is really gonna kill us all

    Global warming? Coronavirus? Nope, 5G, gonna cook ya’ll like you were a poodle in a microwave oven.

    • Tres Cool

      There was a woman in Dayton that put her newborn in the microwave and…..oh, never mind

      • Count Potato

        China!

      • Tres Cool

        Im not going to say maybe they weren’t negligent, but Ive never lived there- so what do I know? But: “She was released when a piece of Azaria’s clothing was found near a dingo lair, and new inquests were opened. In 2012, 32 years after Azaria’s death, the Chamberlains’ version of events was officially supported by a coroner. ”

        Sounds Richard Jewel-esque to me.

      • Count Potato

        Is that movie good? I haven’t seen it yet.

      • CPRM

        Richard Jewell? Yes. I can’t believe that is the same guy from Cobra Kai.

      • Mojeaux

        I MUST watch Cobra Kai. I can’t remember how many episodes of Season 1 I saw (all of them?), but shit, YES, I loved them.

      • Tres Cool

        -1 leg-sweep

      • Rhywun

        Dios mio.

      • Tres Cool

        I dont know if you saw the end of the dead thread, but I have a friend in BK that ostensibly had the Chink Croup, and recovered. He’s a legit preacher, has a church on 5th Ave. If you ever feel like hearing stories about me (when he was my intern), HMU.

      • Count Potato

        You were a preacher?

      • Tres Cool

        I am, according to the state of Ohio. Ordained by the Glorious and Sanctified Universal Life Church (of Modesto, Cali)

        My former intern (the guy I mentioned) was a junior engineering student at U Cincinnati working for me when had the calling. So he dropped out and went to Cumberland Bible College. Now he’s in Brooklyn with the CoVID.

      • Rhywun

        I hope he gets better.

      • Count Potato

        Wow.

      • Annoyed Nomad

        True story: my wife (girlfriend at the time) got called for jury duty for that case. She was so relieved that they picked the jury members before her name came up.

      • Hyperion

        If you want a license to be stupid, become a celebrity. It’s automagical.

      • Tres Cool

        Im sure she’s a hit in prison.

      • Hyperion

        I wasn’t referring to her, but to Harrelson. What a maroon. Seems to be a common thing with that bunch.

    • Mojeaux

      Poodle?

      Peeps, more like.

      • AlmightyJB

        That happens to me too.

    • LJW

      So 3g, 4g, Bluetooth, wifi are all fine but 5g fries your brain?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Somebody sent that crap to my wife and she tried to show it to me.

        I was less than polite about it. That’s got to be one of the dumbest conspiracy theories ever to exist. It makes the chemtrails nut jobs look smart.

      • Hyperion

        “So 3g, 4g, Bluetooth, wifi are all fine but 5g fries your brain?”

        Comcast approves of this message.

  6. DEG

    Elvis is in the building.

    The Hair knows what’s up.

  7. Timeloose

    I’m taking my smoked pork shoulder from the Webber and making tamales tomorrow. I only made them once before, but they should be tasty.

    • LJW

      Mmm tamales. The lady who cleans our house makes them in banana leafs rather than corn husks. They are amazing.

    • CPRM

      I don’t like the texture of corn tortillas, that probably makes me a white supremacist.

      • LJW

        I’d say that makes you woke for not culturally appropriating foods that don’t belong to your culture.

      • LJW

        Wait are you white and vote conservative? If so then yes you’re a white supremacist.

      • Hyperion

        White, male, conservative, Christian? Any of those will place you in the basket of deplorables, and this pandemic is all your fault, you and your orange leader.

        The Chicoms? Totally innocent, you racist!

      • Sean

        I can’t even with this…and I’m low carb!

        Corn>flour tortillas.

        Dude.

      • westernsloper

        You Northerners. SMH Tamales aren’t made with tortillas.

      • Timeloose

        Masa. Not tortillas. Filled with smoked pulled pork dipped in chili sauce.

      • CPRM

        Yes, the masa ends up with the same texture. I don’t like it.

      • westernsloper

        Sounds excellent. I have made a similar version more than a few times. Throw in a can of Adobo peppers . I cook it down a bit and chuck the jalepenos. A big hunk of one of those is even too hot for me.

      • Tres Cool

        ^^^^ corn husks

        And tamales are a pain in the ass, which is why you get friends and make 4 dozen at a time.

      • SP

        Isn’t Ohio arresting tamale party attendees?

      • Jarflax

        Tragically today the Cincinnati Health Department reported the deaths of two City residents who had tested positive for COVID-19. These are the first confirmed deaths in the City of Cincinnati related to COVID-19.

        On March 22, 2020, the Director of Health for the State of Ohio issued a “Stay at Home” order, mandating that ALL persons stay at home or their place of residence unless they are engaged in Essential Activities, Essential Governmental Functions, or to operate Essential Businesses and Operations.

        Those found in violation of this order are receiving warning notices from our officers.

        Violators are directed to return to their home or place of residence immediately. Those who refuse to comply or are found violating the order again, can be cited and/or arrested.

        Violations can receive up to 90 days in jail, a fine of as much as $750.00, or both.

        DO YOUR PART, TO STAY 6 FEET APART
        BE A PART OF THE SOLUTION
        SOCIAL DISTANCING WILL SAVE LIVES!

      • Tres Cool

        No mention of their ages?

      • Jarflax

        Notice that it also doesn’t say they died of Covid:

        who had tested positive for COVID-19

        first confirmed deaths in the City of Cincinnati related to COVID-19

        I have to suspect that if the deceased had actually died of the disease they might have phrased that differently. But hey, any excuse to pass out $750 fines and lock up people who dare to go to over to their friends and families homes.

      • Lady Zorg aka Babalu

        My county has started reporting that way…”COVID 19 associated deaths.” There are still only three, and we are next to a very large city.

      • Tres Cool

        Died OF CoVID and died WITH CoVid are 2 very different things everyone isnt in a hurry to report.

      • Tejicano

        This is exactly why the Chicom flu death rate in Germany is so low. They required logical analysis, including all existing conditions, on the death report to explain how the patient died of the cause being presented.

      • Tres Cool

        Yet they use 3 different fasteners on the same part on their cars.

      • Count Potato

        At least they are all metric fasteners.

      • Tres Cool

        for that matter, why arent they testing for herpes and syphilis, which can also contribute to death?
        Let alone some HPV and throat cancer.

      • Tres Cool

        $750 dollar fines you can pay up-front, or you can retain Cunningham, Eric Deters, or Bill’s buddy Randy Freaking for $1500 to fight it.
        /system_rig.exe

      • Tejicano

        “And tamales are a pain in the ass, which is why you get friends and make 4 dozen at a time.”

        Or you bake them as a Tamale pie – make it about the size of a small loaf of bread using a bread pan. Not really inauthentic as some places in Mexico make huge Tamale-like pies about 2 feet in diameter with a layer of banana leaves over smoldering coals and buried for a couple hours.

      • Tres Cool

        Thats something Ive never heard of…..TIL on Glibs _____

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I used to like you but now i just can’t.

    • westernsloper

      Nice. I am a big fan of tamales.

  8. Fourscore

    At times I feel like I’m in a bad dream and I’m going to wake up and it’ll be Dec 31, 2019. The only sanity is the Glibitorium and you folks. Reality is tough, man. Market’s way up today, maybe the market knows something. Then I get an email from friends and their kid(s) got laid off. Hold on, isn’t the market up and shouldn’t companies be hiring? No one, other than here is questioning the crap out of the political class.

    I got my property tax bill today, the proposed tax and today’s bill are different and not in my favor. I guess they’re going to need more money to pay all these bills that are accruing. Its already started, apparently, that didn’t take long.

    • Urthona

      The markets up because New York’s curve is flattening and the government revised death projections to be much milder. So maybe we can end this bull crap eventually.

      • Hyperion

        “maybe we can end this bull crap eventually”

        A lot of state governors and sleazeball WHO spokespeople are going to be awfully sad. Maybe they can read 1984 and fap to the glory days gone by?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The Hopkins school of public health has had a raging boner for a month now. I can’t imagine them wanting to give that up anytime soon.

      • Tres Cool

        And the attention of the world with their CSI-esque webpage corona map?

  9. Heroic Mulatto

    TRUMP! YES! EVERYBODY IN CLEVELAND NO MINORITY GOT TRUMPCHECKS! KEEP TRUMP IN PRESIDENT, YOU KNOW! HE GAVE US A CHECK! HE GONE DO MORE! YOU SIGN UP! YOU ON FOOD STAMPS, YOU ON SOCIAL SECURITY, YOU GOT LOW INCOME, YOU GOT DISABILITY! BIDEN? HE SUCKS, BAD!

    • hayeksplosives

      Ah, the Obamaphome lady. How we miss her.

      /not

      • Mojeaux

        Loki the Trickster is the only true god

        IBLEEVE! IBLEEVE! HEAL ME, PASTOR!

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Just so there are no misunderstandings, this is an ass-eating invitation, right?

      • Q Continuum

        Isn’t that how all Loki-based worship services start?

      • Mojeaux

        I snort-laughed.

        Otherwise, I got nuthin.

      • Charles Easterly

        “I keep telling you all that Loki the Trickster is the only true god, but you never seem to want to accept it.”

        HM,
        if you are a devotee of “Loki the Trickster… the only true god”, I recommend that you not be surprised when other individuals doubt the information that you might provide.

        On a more serious note: Doubt is inherent, is it not?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        That’s an excellent point, Charles. The everyday application of Fortean beliefs resembles Pyrrhonic thought.

      • Tres Cool

        Mister HM, you use your tongue prettier than a $20 whore

      • Charles Easterly

        “That’s an excellent point, Charles. The everyday application of Fortean beliefs resembles Pyrrhonic thought.”

        What are your thoughts regarding the Stoics (let us limit ourselves to Stoicism, if you please)?

        I am also interested in reading other commentators thoughts regarding “the Stoics” as well.

        I may have to check in tomorrow to read your posts, yet I would like to read your responses.

      • Mojeaux

        We’ve spoken a lot of the Stoics around here, and there are a disproportionate number (IMO) of practitioners/attempting practitioners here. At the risk of offending you in case you already know how to do this, this is how you can search comments:

        See the little black bar at the top of the screen? Go to the far left corner and hover over GLIBERTARIANS. It will drop down to DASHBOARD.

        Click DASHBOARD.

        Down the left side, 3rd item down, is COMMENTS. Click that.

        Go over to the right and there is a search box. Enter your search term then click ENTER.

        It’ll take a while to pull up (I mean, 1.5M comments, amirite?!), but that’s how you search comments. 🙂

        I hope that is helpful and not offensive.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        What are your thoughts regarding the Stoics (let us limit ourselves to Stoicism, if you please)?

        Among the Pantheon, our resident Stoic is Warty. As a Ch’an Buddhist, I always tease him by calling Stoicism “Buddhism for White People”. That having been said, there is some truth to that, as Stoicism was contemporary to the first Indo-Greek contact, which also happened to be the golden age of Indian Buddhism.

        As such, there is much in Stoicism I find admirable, particularly the practice of achieving eudaimonia by using reason to temper those desires that bring us suffering from our ignorance of logos (semantically cognate with dharma!)

        Stoic meditation also has a lot in common with Buddhist meditation, particularly in what we call maranasati or meditation on our own mortality and death.

        I do wonder how neo-Stoics navigate these chauvistically nationalist times, since cosmopolitianism, in its original true sense, is a central tenet of Stoicism.

        That’s a thumbnail sketch of my thoughts on the subject.

      • CPRM

        The only thing that matters about the Greeks was that they were all gay all the time/ modern scholar.

      • Mojeaux

        Also, Charles, if you’re up to reading fictional modern Stoics, try A Man in Full by Tom Wolfe.

      • Ozymandias

        Charles, FWIW:

        I came to the Stoics via the military. In thirty years of reading them – and I do not claim to have any expertise at all – they seem to get better with age. Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius (of course – mandatory for Marine officers, IIRC), Seneca, etc. all have wonderful insights into the eternal problems/questions, IMO. I can also second Mojo’s recommendation of Tom Wolfe’s “A Man in Full.” Someone else on here (kinnath, I think, but I might be misattributing that) seems to have a deep understanding of the Stoics, if memory serves me.
        I can also say that, like HM, having come to Buddhism before the Stoics, and then re-touched it later in life (after reading the Stoics), I was struck by the similarities. I always suspected that there must have been some interaction between those cultures and philosophies, at least it seemed like it from my explorations of both.
        And for whatever else it matters, I’m now reading a bunch of ancient Indian spiritual texts – the Upanishads, the Mahabharata, the Vedas, and I find the same “truths” (unsurprisingly). I just bought the Tao and Kong Ze’s (Confucius’) texts. I’m already anticipating a great deal of overlap.
        It’s almost as if people have given these matters a great deal of thought from the beginning of thought.

      • Jarflax

        Eris wants a word.

    • Urthona

      You make excellent points.

    • Crusty Juggler

      That’s my President!

  10. hayeksplosives

    “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?!”

  11. hayeksplosives

    On Gutenberg project I’m reading Daniel DaFoe’s “Journal of the Plague Year” about London 1665.

    We had no such thing as printed newspapers in those days to spread rumours and reports of things, and to improve them by the invention of men, as I have lived to see practised since.

    https://www.gutenberg.org/files/376/376-h/376-h.htm

    • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

      You know, I scroll past you when I see your avatar, too spooky, love ya tho, you know that,

    • Tres Cool

      Saved that. Loved it. Shared it.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Started that too. Seems appropriate.

  12. westernsloper

    I just listened to our Gov do a “break into regular programing message” on the radio. The theme of it was, we are winning!! But we need to continue the success of the stay at home social distancing to really be sure. Fuck him. CO has not been way off the models but this place is essentially two states with the same asshole in charge and I do not believe their stats.

    • westernsloper

      I should clarify it has not been way off for deaths but hospitalizations has been way the hell off. Just checked and after the model update they went from 4006 on the 4th to 739 on the 5th. As of the 4th, Co claimed 924 hospitalized. They have not updated today. Wonder why.

      • Tres Cool

        7,452 people die in the US every day.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Of the Corona?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

      • commodious spittoon

        Complications from Corona.

  13. Crusty Juggler

    John Milius, Poet of the American Character

    John Milius was the cinematic poet of American freedom — from the ’60s to the noughts, he brought to film his considerable talent for conflict, his ability and eagerness to describe manliness, power and the threat of debasement. He worked hard to bring tragedy to American screens. His movies and protagonists recall Sam Peckinpah, another outlaw artist with a reputation for reckless genius who loved the Westerns and hated the way progress muzzled Americans in every aspect of their lives.

    Violence mattered to Milius so much, I think, because it’s supposed to be suppressed in modern America. We’re not in the Wild West anymore — we’re supposed to live in a world of, by and for sophisticated college graduates like those who surrounded Milius at the University of Southern California. Rather than look for conflict, ironic detachment is called for whenever beliefs might lead to disagreements. Milius is counter-cultural in that he’s willing to look at American spiritedness, the most obvious part of the national character, however hard we work to conceal it.

    American cities in the ’60s and ’70s offered a picture of savagery, barbarism and even hopelessness that inspired Milius. That savagery has moved to the Internet, combining a mix of real-world consequences such as careers destroyed with the vapid hot air of so many flame wars. These conflicts may be largely fake, but the hatred and the way people lose their minds are mostly real; many of us find the angst hard to understand. Worse, our techno-academic elites who created the internet didn’t predict this.

    Milius did. He knew the American need to escape systems of control. There’s a comic vision of that escape in a movie he wrote and produced for Spielberg, 1941 (1979, co-written by Robert Zemeckis and Bob Gale), and a tragic vision in his last hit, Red Dawn (1984), which he wrote and directed himself. In both, Americans are finally able to give in to their mad desires and they are oddly endearing, child-like, because they fully believe in freedom. A nation of Huckleberry Finns, you begin to think …

    God Milius.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      My new hero, just for the Dumbo scene in 1941.

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        HORRYWOOOOD!

    • CPRM

      Milius was a great documentary, and I guess he’s awake from his coma, since he a gave a speech at an awards show last year.

  14. LJW

    Local gun store has a decent looking CMP certified 1945 Springfield M1 garand. I’ve always wanted a Garand, need to figure out how to convince my wife to let me spend my Trump bucks on it.

    • Q Continuum

      Better to ask forgiveness than permission.

  15. Defiant YDAK of the Desert

    BRAVO! Truly your best work, so far, good fun….

    • LJW

      Best response

      Rick
      @Rothbardian1627
      ·
      Apr 5
      Replying to
      @PetiteNicoco
      Can we buy roof dwelling koreans?

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        I’Member…

      • Tres Cool

        Pepperidge Farm does too.

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        Tasty Cookies! +100000!

      • Tejicano

        Unfortunately, that idea is about as dated as owning an AK-47 in LA.

    • Rebel Scum

      Not in my proverbial neck of the proverbial woods. I just got a citronella candle in my last Wally World order.

    • westernsloper

      My guess is no.

  16. Rhywun

    Grocery bag wars update:

    My market was back to plastic bags today. My state banned them effective March 1 and my city imposes a 5-cent fee on paper bags. I forgot to bring my bacteria-bags so I took a plastic bag.

    They charged me 5 cents for it.

    Assholes.

    • Tres Cool

      Dude…never let a crisis go to waste. Even when its a nickel at a time.

    • Urthona

      so they make you have plastic bags and then charge you extra.

      lol

    • Crusty Juggler

      It’s very amusing how quickly New York turned their backs on bags.

      When death is close suddenly dumb shit doesn’t matter!

    • Lady Zorg aka Babalu

      That’s bullshit. The purpose of the 5 cent charge was supposed to be to defray the extra costs incurred by using paper instead of plastic.

      • Rhywun

        I noticed about a month ago that Rite Aid (big chain) was charging for plastic bags too. I had my bacteria-bags at the time so I didn’t think too much about it. But yeah, how are they getting away with it…?

      • Gustave Lytton

        The 5 cents is to pay off the grocers and make sure their competitors are equally hobbled.

    • Chafed

      China is assholes

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        One billion strong, and growing shrinking.

  17. CPRM

    I applied for unemployment during my lay-off, here’s the news about the trillions of dollars wasted:

    We are awaiting guidance from the U.S. Department of Labor (DOL). Once received, we will program our systems to accommodate the changes. It will take several weeks to receive all of the information from the Federal Government. Please check our website often: https://dwd.wisconsin.gov/uiben/caresact; We will have the most up-to-date information there.

    Also, mean ol REPUBLICANZ!!!1 1!!:

    Yes, there is still a waiting week. Governor Tony Evers released draft legislation that would repeal the waiting week, which would permit a claimant to receive UI benefits beginning with his or her first week of eligibility, but the legislature has not acted to vote on it. The waiting week is state law that was enacted with Act 32 in 2011 and requires legislative action to repeal.

    • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

      Mine came today and asked for my ID, and have no issue sending it from Cali to my Az address, why they make it hard for you?

      • CPRM

        You got the extra bailout moneyz? Or just regular unemployent?

      • Plinker762

        The Hair is not pleased with his videos.

  18. SP

    Nice, CPRM.

    • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

      BTW SP, thanks for your help earlier today. ’Preciate it.

      • SP

        You are very welcome.

    • CPRM

      Thanks. I do what I can. *flips hair that is too long cause barbershops are closed*

      • Tres Cool

        Sucker! I got secret-nazi-underground-illegal-barber. I hope to get mine done tomorrow.

      • westernsloper

        I tried to talk my barber into a haircut in his driveway but he is cashing a paycheck from his regular job to sit at home and is possibly the laziest person I have ever met. I might shave my own head soon and the last time I did that it took half a year for it grow to the point of fixing.

      • Rhywun

        Embrace the shave.

        The only reason not to is if you have someone with veto-power over it.

      • commodious spittoon

        I look goofy with a fuzzball head, but

        I’m the only one who sees me these days, but

        I’m the only one who cares that I look goofy with a fuzzball head.

      • Tres Cool

        I saw you friday night, Blanche

      • Plinker762

        I’m going to let mine grow long and have a man-bun. I hear they are the cool thing now.

      • SP

        Come down and visit us and I’ll cut your hair for you. I always cut (what’s left of) OMWC’s.

      • whahappan

        With a rusty tin can lid? You know, just to remind him.

      • Mojeaux

        I wish I could find a s00per-sekrit underground hairdresser. I need a haircut also.

      • CPRM

        I only get my hair cut once a year, and this all falls when I do that. Fuckin bullshit! My oldest sister cut my hair for a long time, but she is exactly the kind of person I should be socially distancing from. She’s sick all the time.

  19. CPRM

    Now that we had the Zoom chat, the world seems empty without it. Neph is like a meth pusher!

    • Tres Cool

      Ive never known a drug ‘pusher’. The product sells itself.

    • Lady Zorg aka Babalu

      My liver can’t handle that more than once a week.

      • CPRM

        You can always buy a new one on the black market! I know you haven’t glibbed for long, but jeez.

      • Plinker762

        I bet there are a bunch available from China

      • Lady Zorg aka Babalu

        I have so much to learn…

      • CPRM

        Something grasshopper…something stone…something auto-erotic asphyxiation…(I really hope I don’t have to explain that joke)

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        You don’t ‘have’ to; you ‘get’ to. David would love you for it. Much like he loved himself.

      • Tulip

        Mine neither

  20. commodious spittoon

    Liquor stores are closed starting tomorrow. Which means people will have to go to grocery stores for their booze. So congratulations, you fucking idiots, you now have even more people congregating into grocery stores for incidentals. These morons cannot help but make things worse at every turn. FUCK. YOU.

    • CPRM

      Only the cities have liquor stores here, because all the other stores have the booze anyway.

    • westernsloper

      Not to mention making more people unemployed. Their idiocy is monumental.

      • commodious spittoon

        “A record number of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck! We must put a stop to that!”

      • Plinker762
      • Crusty Juggler

        It’s worth it for the increased cases of domestic violence.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Thank you.

        If you can’t have a drink just end it.

      • Mojeaux

        My mechanic mentioned that to me today. He’s as eye-rolly about it as I am, but this is really affecting even people who aren’t panicking.

      • Mojeaux

        He is as eye-rolly about the Moo Goo Gai Panic as I am, not eye-rolly about domestic violence.

      • Chafed

        Why not both?

      • Mojeaux

        I volunteered at a battered women’s shelter for a while. I don’t tend to roll my eyes about spouses beating each other up.

      • CPRM

        My mom helped out a lady who stayed at a battered women’s shelter; the lady’s sons weren’t allowed to stay there because they didn’t allow ‘men’ there. #SCIENCE

      • Mojeaux

        How old were the boys?

      • CPRM

        I think the older one was 13 or 14 at the time (and obviously gay, not that he’d come out or even knew himself)

      • Chafed

        I defended more people (yes, both men and women) on domestic violence charges than I can remember. My official stance with the DAs was the first time is his fault (if you’ll indulge the stereotype, the second time it’s still his fault but she really ought to make a change, and the third time was assumption of the risk.

      • Tres Cool

        I dont know what the big deal is over ‘battered women’.
        I always thought they taste fine raw.

        /hey-oooh!

      • Mojeaux

        There are valid reasons for not allowing males in a women’s shelter.

        Mine allowed male children up to, I think 10 or something? I don’t remember. There was one around 10, and he was pure evil and wreaked havoc (and violence) all over the place. He was very charismatic, utterly charming, and completely wicked. He could get the other kids to believe the grass was pink.

        The only thing he did to ME, which I quit over, was, after telling him to get down out of a tree, I picked up a baby to comfort her. He looked straight at me and, talking to the other kids, said, “See how she’s holding that baby? I bet she molests kids.”

        Nobody else heard or saw this. I took the baby back to its mother and quit on the spot.

      • Mojeaux

        My official stance with the DAs was the first time is his fault (if you’ll indulge the stereotype), the second time it’s still his fault but she really ought to make a change, and the third time was assumption of the risk.

        I understand that logically. There are a lot of variables I’m not going to parse because the first time a man hits me, he better be prepared to be put in the ground because I am not putting up with that bullshit.

        But I get it. I get the mental and emotional torture. I’ve experienced it (dad and both grandmothers). It’s a mindset that’s difficult to get out of.

        And hey, I’m not even going to try to address the difficulties faced by men whose women are the violent ones. That’s a whole ‘nother level of fucked up all the way around, and what those men need is an avenger. A female avenger.

      • CPRM

        So, if your kids are too old, don’t leave that guy that punches you in the face if you have sons?

      • Mojeaux

        So, if your kids are too old, don’t leave that guy that punches you in the face if you have sons?

        More like…don’t endanger a dozen other women.

        Look, resources are scarce everywhere. This includes incorporeal things like risk assumption. The shelter would be utterly foolish to allow a woman with teenage boys in, open itself up to law suits, etc, etc, etc, and possibly get shut down. So then nobody can go to that shelter.

        It sucks. But that’s reality.

      • Jarflax

        Mass solutions to individual problems are always going to have fit problems. You have to make choices and try to solve as many as well as you can. Sure some women will stay in a bad place if they can’t bring their kids, but others will stay, or go back to the situation, if there are teen boys in the shelter, especially troubled teens from abusive homes.

      • blackjack

        “My mom helped out a lady who stayed at a battered women’s shelter;”

        Was it called the “Tempura House?”

      • commodious spittoon

        If only there’s some moral heritage that helps folks over time cleave to a way of being more in keeping with domestic tranquility, even if it’s sometimes inexplicable and especially if it’s sometimes contrary to the way they behave anyway.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        We’re gonna burn, aren’t we, Moj?

      • Mojeaux

        If only there’s some moral heritage that helps folks over time cleave to a way of being more in keeping with domestic tranquility, even if it’s sometimes inexplicable and especially if it’s sometimes contrary to the way they behave anyway.

        Sky fairies!!!!11!11!one

      • Mojeaux

        We’re gonna burn, aren’t we, Moj?

        I will say NO, because I am sitting a little too close to you all, and I am a bit averse to fire.

    • Rhywun

      Liquor stores are still open in NYC. ?

      • Crusty Juggler

        Truly makes me want to vote for Cuomo. I mean, he can’t be all that bad.

        Plus, he has sweet nips.

      • Rhywun

        he can’t be all that bad

        Yes, he can.

      • Chafed

        In another couple of years NY’s winter heating and summer AC are going to be very dicey.

      • Rhywun

        Yep.

    • Q Continuum

      In my fantasy, people develop a much more skeptical attitude toward unbridled government authority after this debacle.

      Fantasies are stupid.

      • Crusty Juggler

        lol I used to be naive, too.

      • commodious spittoon

        Only for YOUR government authorities. Theirs are fine.

      • Jarflax

        Some people will bcome more skeptical, others will still worship the strong State in the camps. Read Solzhenitsyn

  21. kinnath

    Pushed the button and e-filed my taxes tonight. At least I don’t have to mail a check for another 3 months.

    • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

      They’re (theoretically) limiting the number of shoppers here too, to 50 or less at a time. ’Course, other than the Home Despot, I’m not seeing a lot of compliance. All the bigger grocery retailers aren’t limiting numbers (although the Wholesale Club was). Co-op, Safeway, Superstore, all are just letting people in as they want.

    • blackjack

      They keep changing the rules here. First, it was throttling the people entering. Ten they started using masking tape lines to denote 6 feet increments in the lines to the registers. Now they’re installing plexiglass barriers everywhere. The only constant is the limits on water, bleach, TP and some other crap people are binge-buying.

  22. commodious spittoon

    Is the new slogan sharpied onto Hat new, or am I super inattentive?

    • CPRM

      Yes, SharpieGate callback.

      • CPRM

        I mean, yes that it’s new, but you might be inattentive as well, I’d have to talk to your exes to find that out. (and if I recall correctly you got some chocolate in your vanilla shake at some point)

  23. Oy the Billy-Bumbler

    I caught the beginning of Schindler’s List tonight and there was a scene where (((they))) were in line with papers to register and we’re talking about what workers were going to be “non-essential”. Was a little jarring with what’s going on lately.

    • Tres Cool

      I just sent that to a friend of mine

  24. Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

    Hmmm. A little thought from Small Dead Animals. Any one got any musings about this?

    I’ll tell you a little rural America nightmare.  You won’t sleep well … but it needs to be mentioned.

    IMO, today was the most scary day of this whole debacle.  Why?  Because a tiger in the Bronx Zoo somehow acquired the China Virus.  So, folks, it can now jump back from human to animal.  If it ever mutates enough to jump to livestock we’re screwed.  The CDC is saying that can’t happen.  But, we’re all familiar with their track record.

    I’m, also, curious just how much we know about China’s recent livestock depletion (enough to actually cut back on their feed imports worldwide to which Canada can attest).  I believe they attributed it to Swine Fever, and it required China to destroy millions of pigs.  However, any sane person would question the veracity of those claims.  And, if China is admitting to destroying millions of pigs, it’s a pretty good bet that it was a whole lot more.

    Sleep well.

    • CPRM

      Got that? All your cats and dogs are just lying in wait with Cornona to kill you! Like little chicom assassins!

      • Invisible BEAM of the comment stream

        I think the poster’s more worried about a sudden drastic reduction in our food supplies, specifically livestock. Losing (say) 50% of our animal protein sources over one season would be very bad news.

      • CPRM

        An animal carrying a disease and an animal being susceptible to a disease are two very different things. And, at least with the animals we’ve domesticated, it is almost unheard of it affecting us and them on the scale of death.

      • Tres Cool

        See also: Bovine Spongiform Encephalitis

  25. mikey

    fun stuff CPRM.
    I always wish you wouldn’t make Donny so laughabley inchoherent, then I remember you use actual recordings of him. It’s often unclear around here where the line between reality and imagination is.

    • CPRM

      Yeah, and the sad thing is, mostly I get lazy and don’t even edit them, just it out of context. *Sigh* I’d make great documentaries if I didn’t care about truth.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Heh. On many levels.

    • commodious spittoon

      Every time I hear him speak I think of SF, but for some reason that makes it more distressing hearing him speak.

  26. Chafed

    Any Glibs with a virology/public health/etc want to opine on herd immunity with relation to the current panic? I assume with all the asymptomatic people I’m hearing about there must be a decent chunk of the population that now has immunity. How should that affect forecasted deaths and the number of infected?

    P.S. This is a serious question and Omega Man references don’t count.

    • Private Chipperbot

      You sure, Imperator?

      • Chafed

        I’ll wait here while you fire at the zombies.

    • straffinrun

      Fuck anyone who calls me part of a “herd”.

      • UnCivilServant

        So you’re merely part of a mob?

      • Jarflax

        Is flock better? Pack?

      • UnCivilServant

        I bet he wants to be part of an unkindness.

      • Jarflax

        Maybe a murder?

      • Mojeaux

        Crows.

        An unkindness is for ravens.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        An unkindness is for ravens.

        Thank you. There was an unkindness of about 25-30 at our neighbor’s house the other that and I wondered at the time of the distinction.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        “day” not that. Don’t know where that came from.

      • straffinrun

        Used to be. Nevermore.

      • Jarflax

        Yes I know. The joke was we were listing every more out there ‘synonyms.’

      • Mojeaux

        Hobbit, you’re welcome.

        I only know that because the main storyline of Cods & Cuntes involves ravens.

        You may someday get to read it if I ever actually finish it. *weary sigh*

        No, MikeS, I’m not linking Chapter 18 again.

      • Mojeaux

        *wild applause*

      • straffinrun

        Yes and no.

    • CPRM

      Now that Orange Man Bad is making them accessible they don’t need them #Science!

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Well, in the vein (ahem) of those medical people that got fired for suggesting that anyone who supports/voted for Trump should forego ventilators, turn about is fair play–Leftists, be sure to shun the OMB-provided ventilators!

        See how asinine that is? Not so cool when y–Oh, who am I kidding? They wouldn’t get it if it jumped and gave ’em the bat-tusi boogaloo.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I was as excited as that Pharaoh. ?

    • Urthona

      Wasn’t he just whining that they were about to run out of ventilators and needed to raid the Fed stockpile?

      • UnCivilServant

        “Now that I’ve stolen enough, we don’t need more that we’d have to pay for” -Andy

      • Tres Cool

        that IS NY economics on any level

      • Chafed

        I’m sure I heard that two or three days ago.

    • Rhywun

      The forecast of required beds has dropped; I dunno about ventilators. Knock on wood.

      • Chafed

        Well that is good news.

    • CPRM

      “I saw easily a dozen large parties, 15, 20, 30 or more,” South of Hudson Block Watch member, Debbie Supelak said.

      THEY WANT PEOPLE TO DIE!

      • AlmightyJB

        I f’g love Remy:)

      • AlmightyJB

        I responded to her tweet. Something about them not being sheep.

    • blackjack

      This whole thing reminds me of the crime wave of the 80’s. You go to the store and it’s filled with people in masks who might kill you.

  27. straffinrun

    Thanks, CPRM. Nice body of work you got going.

    • CPRM

      Don’t talk about my body, perv!

      • straffinrun

        BTW, put these up on Bitchute if you haven’t already. That idiotic video I put on there yesterday already got over 100 views and I didn’t do anything other than plop it there.

      • CPRM

        Meh, I did a while back, I think until episode 16 or so. I didn’t get many views. And my internet is too slow, takes all my bandwidth to upload a video.

      • straffinrun

        I’d push your videos to my normie friends, but, well, you know.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Right–no friends. I hear ya, buddy- er, dude.

      • straffinrun

        I have a friend. He doesn’t know it yet, though.

      • CPRM

        Before #metoo that was a joke you could make about women too /le sigh.

  28. CPRM

    Thir Digby is here!

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I am. I don’t know how to lithp that one.

      • CPRM

        Danm you for pointing out when I break character!

      • UnCivilServant

        I didn’t even see it until you pointed it out.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Danm

        Is that pronounced like Dig ’em?

    • CPRM

      My TV show client asked me if I thought adding a prayer would be a bad decision, I said no, I think you can do it right now. Didn’t know she was going to do a three minutes of rambling and not give me a visual to work with…OK, CLOUDS! We’re flying through the clouds! Thank yeezus for B-Roll…

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        “Need prayer B-roll? Come to Bethlehem! Just minutes away from Jerusalem; we have all your religious footage needs.”

  29. 61North

    A group of regional native organizations and federal fishing quota grantee are trying to establish quarantine procedures for out-of-region workers coming to fish and process the summer salmon season in SW Alaska. If you the cynic in wondered how much of their funding comes from fishing and not tax dollars, you are 100% correct.

    • UnCivilServant

      So, you’re saying there’s something fishy about their motives?

      • blackjack

        They’re just trying to tip the scales.

      • tripacer

        I expect them to flounder around before they make a decision.

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s an upstream battle to prevent these schemes from netting anything.

      • 61North

        That’s terrible. But yes.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        You know who else thought something was fishy, but, said still said yes?

      • 61North

        They’re not doing it for the halibut.

  30. straffinrun

    Evidently 脱出東京 (flee Tokyo!) is trending on da Twitters. From my quick glimpse it is mostly being pushed by the gaijin here. Fine, you want to leave? Leave.

    • UnCivilServant

      I am trying to get as far from Tokyo as I can manage.

      • straffinrun

        I don’t think Brazil is any safer.

      • UnCivilServant

        I can’t manage to get there anyway.

      • Tres Cool

        Not me. Ive been known to get big checks from Toyota.

    • Urthona

      why is that?

      • straffinrun

        Just because the numbers are going up because they are actually testing now.

      • Urthona

        ah gotcha

    • Tejicano

      It’s Fly-jin Boogaloo!

      • straffinrun

        Probably the same people who thought they’d get cancer from Fukushima as they cowered in their apts in Shibuya.

      • Tejicano

        This has been getting a bit of a deja vu feeling having been here during the Sarin gas attack (guy got on the same train at the same station 10 minutes after me), 9/11, the triple-whammy in 2011, and now this. It’s like they couldn’t make one of those disaster flicks from the 70’s and 80’s anymore because we’ve already need through all that.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        ::crosses fingers, hoping for Pandemic!::

        The Zucker team really needs to shake off the cobwebs, and get to writing.

      • Tejicano

        need = been

        Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over…

    • Rhywun

      flee Tokyo!

      What’s the Florida of Japan?

      • CPRM

        Okinawa?

      • CPRM

        WAIT! The better joke is ‘Florida.’

  31. UnCivilServant

    My water filter came with a ‘TDS Tester’. I want to crack jokes about everything being politicized these days.

    • Urthona

      Got an RODI?

      • UnCivilServant

        Not sure what that is. I got a zero water pitcher to see if it can remove the metallic taste from my tapwater.

      • Urthona

        oh sorry. i have a fancy reverse osmosis de-ionization unit w/ a tds meter. I imagine it makes sense for other filtration systems too.

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t think I need quite that much filtration.

      • Urthona

        It’s for making saltwater for my aquarium.

      • Chafed

        If UCS identifies as a fish then let’s respect his choices.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Paging Troy McClure…

      • Urthona

        Don’t be silly. I’m a giant sea clam.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I’m a giant sea clam

        Ladies…..

        /cue jokes about hot, clam-on-clam action.

      • Mojeaux

        I originally read that as ROID.

      • Tejicano

        I don’t even want to ask how your water tastes…

      • Mojeaux

        It tastes like NOTHING, a very DELICIOUS nothing. I love water.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        ? ? ?

        Uhh…never mind that last one.

      • Mojeaux

        ?

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        On second thought….

    • straffinrun

      Removes 99% of logic and objectivity.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I hear it’s pretty good at filtering out things like humor, and, nuance, too.

      • Urthona

        nice

    • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

      That is strangely awesome.

    • Tres Cool

      Total Dissolved Solids has a part preference ?

      • Tres Cool

        /party

    • UnCivilServant

      On the serious side, I want to thank whichever glib(s) recommended the ZeroWater – the test glass had no metallic taste to it.

    • UnCivilServant

      It is about to spin and blend the city?

      • Jarflax

        What game was it where one of the boss fights involved a spinning set of lasers and platforms you had to time your moves between? This picture triggered the memory and now it is bugging the hell out of me.

      • UnCivilServant

        That’s a common sort of attack, I think I’ve seen it multiple places.

      • Jarflax

        Why can’t you read my mind and tell me what game my unclear image is from! Lol, I thought of 3 or 4 boss fights in MMOs that fit the description as soon as I posted that, but this was a stealth/shooter of some sort. Was there a spinning laser fight in one of the Deus Exes?

    • CPRM

      Now we don’t need just walls but sky lasers too?!

      • UnCivilServant

        Need? No.

        Do I want a sky laser (under my control)? Yes.

      • straffinrun

        It’s called a “skywall”, for whatever that’s worth.

  32. CPRM

    Digby, I mean this as a compliment, for cereal, after the chat you remind me of Adam Carolla, and you have abilities that could be used to herd my metaphorical cats, but not in a gay way, not that there is anything wrong with that.

    • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

      So…NOT Dr. Drew? As in, I don’t need to change my screen name and avatar? Still–corralling gay pussy sounds like the story of my twenties…

      • CPRM

        I think I went after many a gay pussy…in fact, the gal who played my GF in my horror movie was ‘gay’ when we made the move, she was ‘straight’ after I made out with her on camera, then when she went gay again and married some broad.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Oooof. That’s….ooof. Also, you aren’t wrong about the Florida joke.

        So, how do I cash in on those Adam Carolla bucks?

      • CPRM

        Find a way to monetize me bitcht!

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I did wear my H&H shirt to work yesterday. I mean, no one really saw it…at least, I don’t think they did. By that, I mean I always just presume that, if they aren’t making eye contact, they’re looking for at my junk.

        Also: “bitcht” Bitchin’ T-bird? Bitchute? (If I could do that, straff would be due a cut, since he already mentioned it)

    • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

      C–If you’re still on, here’s the answer you’ve been waiting for: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOHaVih75S8

      Tried and true method for winning.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        The White Man’s Burden “Get Rich, or Die Tryin'”?

    • CPRM

      NOT ENOUGH RACISM! Hence Blackish.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        You are, indeed, wise in the ways of racial SCIENCE!!

      • CPRM

        I have a film school degree after all, that means I can tell everyone else how stupid they are.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Oh, right–“color” film…. Makes sense.

      • CPRM

        See, this is it, right here, we have banter…You’re the Adam Carolla to my Toyota!

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        So. you manufactured me? Johnny 5 is alive? ??⛩

        Plus, I get to be a Carolla, and not the more Glibs-popular FJ….fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

  33. Defiant YDAK of the Desert

    I have heard enough, Wendy Died of CV, I have proof,

    • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

      Whoa….what’s going on?