US Dollar Hospitalized After Stimulus Overdose

by | Apr 7, 2020 | Federal Power, Finance, Satire | 377 comments

WASHINGTON – Tragedy struck yesterday as the world’s reserve currency was rushed to the ICU. Outside the hospital, well-wishers mostly dressed in top hats and monocles, placed flowers and held candles while a choir of orphans sang You’re the Inspiration by Chicago. After 70 years as the world’s strongest currency, The US dollar has recently fallen on hard times, including multiple stints in rehab to break its addiction to stimulus and inflation. According to celebrity addiction expert Dr Drew, the downfall began when Dollar separated from its long-time partner, Gold Standard, in 1971. The divorce was tumultuous, and Dollar admitted that it began self-medicating to cope. Dollar blamed every US president since Nixon for enabling its addiction. Dollar promised its fans that upon its recovery, it will re-unite for a tour with the rest of the American Greatness band, just as soon as drummer Manufacturing Base kicks his Oxycontin habit. President Trump tweeted that American Greatness was always his favorite band and that he has all their albums.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

377 Comments

  1. Sean

    ??

    • Sean

      ??️?‍?‍?‍?

  2. LemonGrenade

    Nice job, although it hits a bit close to home.

    • Count Potato

      +1

    • Fourscore

      That ain’t satire and it ain’t funny.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I’m never going to be able to watch the Muppets again.

    • LemonGrenade

      Oh my. And yet, I clicked through, looked at every one of the images and busted out laughing at a few a of them.

      • Galt1138

        Same here. Some of those are hilarious. And yet, I think of how much time it must’ve taken to make all of those, and I shudder.

      • LemonGrenade

        The time it took to sculpt/arrange all of those. Wow, but some people have time on their hands.

    • Spudalicious

      Dayyyyummm…..

    • J. Frank Parnell

      Christ, not another Demi Rose link.

  3. Crusty Juggler

    This was clever. Nice work!

  4. DEG

    Nice

  5. Crusty Juggler

    ‘Cats’ visual effects artist says rumored ‘butthole cut’ exists

    The alleged “butthole cut” remains as well-hidden as a dollop of cat poop buried under a pile of kitty litter. Who knows whether the tushes take will ever surface? But in the meantime, there does exist a cheeky fan version that inserted backside enhancements.

    In the before times when there was freedom and joy this movie was developing a following similar to The Rocky Horror Picture Show live viewings.

    We will know when we have defeated the coronas when gaymos and weirdos gather together to squeal at this horrible movie.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      HM hardest hit:

      “There was nobody that said, ‘We want buttholes,’ ”

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Glibs was found on cat buttholes.

  6. Scruffy Nerfherder

    *furious jazz hands*

  7. The Hyperbole

    A criticism if I may, the premise of “US Dollar” being part of an old rock and roll group should have been at least hinted at in the headline, the way it reads it takes too long to draw out that part of the ‘joke’ which is really the hook. The first half just reads as a straight news story about the Dollar tanking albeit with some anthropomorphism, by the time the reader groks that Dollar is a member of a rock group the article is winding down. Perhaps a more Rolling Stone-ish headline “American Greatness fans stunned by long time front man U.S. Dollars’ hospitalization”, just a suggestion not a sermon.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      You’ve got be a blast at parties.

      • The Hyperbole

        To know me is to love me, the most common descriptor attributed to me by those who have made my acquaintance is “great fucking guy”

    • straffinrun

      Actually, I was thinking the same thing until you pointed it out. Now I like how he did it.

      • leon

        Legit LOL

      • Ozymandias

        Now THAT is funny. ?

      • westernsloper

        Ha!

      • Rhywun

        That’s just your THDS speaking.

      • Chafed

        BOOM! Out go the lights?

  8. juris imprudent

    It is a strange world. The EU collapses and everyone there reverts to sovereign currency and the Euro is no challenger to the dollar. It will end up “stronger” than ever, at least in a relative sense. I’m not sure that even if the EU holds together the Euro is a challenger, though obviously that was the intent. Russia, China? Don’t make me laugh. India? Not even Japan and South Korea. As bad as we fuck up, we just take everyone down with us.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The dollar is the best looking turd in the punchbowl.

    • Ozymandias

      It’s an interesting conundrum. How much longer can Rome last if everyone else’s currency is also in the shitter? I don’t know the answer. We keep the economy crushed much longer, though, and we’ll probably find out the answer to that question the hard way.

    • Fourscore

      It should be stronger, there will be a lot more of them. Tag team dollars!

      Seems like a success story: Too many dollars chasing too few of goods. Where have I seen that before and quite recently and close to home.?

  9. Q Continuum

    Time to pull the plug.

    • Crusty Juggler

      What is something Winston’s Mom does nightly once per week after she punches in for the evening?

      • The Hyperbole

        nightly once per week

      • Fourscore

        nicely once a week

      • Crusty Juggler

        In these times…

  10. Crusty Juggler

    Bailey Quarters > Jennifer Marlowe

    • Chafed

      This is correct.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        So, why not all three?

    • R C Dean

      Objectively correct.

  11. Ozymandias

    Totally NOT a police state.

    A California sheriff warned the residents of his county Monday that they could face fines or imprisonment for violating an order to cover their faces in public during the coronavirus crisis.

    Bianco said his department would not set up roadside checkpoints to stop vehicles or people hiking, walking or running without masks.

    OH, what a fucking peach!

    “We will not be setting up any type of police state,” he said. “And this is not a declaration of martial law in Riverside County.”

    Okay…

    Dr. Cameron Kaiser, the county’s public health officer, on Saturday banned all gatherings of “any number of people” other than relatives living together in the same home, according to a county press release. And he ordered “everyone” to wear a face covering outside their homes.

    Oh, yeah, some fucking doctor just gets to nullify the First Amendment. Totally not a police state, though. I’m sure the Founders would have allowed George III to lock them down, as long as he yelled “OMG! COOTIES!” first.
    Totally. Constitutional.

    • Sean

      Which still leaves them better than NJ. Truly a low bar…but still…

    • westernsloper

      the county’s public health officer, on Saturday banned all gatherings of “any number of people”

      One is a number. The loneliest of numbers. Can three dogs in the night still gather?

      • Ozymandias

        No, there will be no more joy to this world… neither to you, nor to me.

      • westernsloper

        I just hope the bullfrogs pull through this.

    • straffinrun

      Sheriff Bianco is just trying to save lives.

    • blackjack

      I’m trying to get that ticket. I want to have a jury of my peers decide the legality of forcing me to wear a mask in a store. I’ll probably avoid the summons just by being confident, though. They only pick on the weak.

    • Jarflax

      What if you share a house with people you are not related to? This is getting very ugly.

      • DrOtto

        Dr. Newsome will just prescribe a new home.

    • R C Dean

      Mrs. Dean and I shared a table at dinner. Is that illegal?

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        No, but you probably overloaded on fiber. Maybe even carbs.

      • JD is Unemployed

        Very laughter. Much amuse.

    • ruodberht

      Anecdotes ARE data, though.

      • Ozymandias

        It’s not entirely objectionable, but there are some “tells” in there about relying upon “credentialed” sources. The subtext to me sounds like, “don’t believe people who tell you this isn’t bad and have ‘anecdotes’ to support it.” I suspect “data” to the author means “stuff with which I happen to agree.”

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Yup, just enough tells to set off the “proggie virtual signalling” alarm.

      • Count Potato

        To me, the author wrote the opposite.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        SHUT THE FUCK UP, LIBTARD!

    • Crusty Juggler

      Someone took Stats sophomore year.

    • RAHeinlein

      “we live in a society” – yeah, fuck off Bernie Bro.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      Under that second tweet, in the More Tweets section:

      Howard Dean
      @GovHowardDean
      ·
      10h
      I just told MSNBC I wasn’t going on their shows as long as they were broadcasting trump’s press conference. I won’t make much difference if it’s just me but if 50 of you did it it would make a difference.

      Christ, what an asshole.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        So, a crucifix to a vampire. Is it possible to make CNN sigh? I think this might have done just that.

      • CPRM

        Yeehaw!

  12. Derpetologist

    artist’s statement

    I was tempted to do a whole Behind the Music type montage where US Dollar snorts mortgage-backed securities off of strippers, but it was hard to write.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8zYR-Ah9RM

    • Fourscore

      Mortgage backed securities are like the 100 bucks I loaned to my brother-in-law 3 years ago. He promised to pay it back, didn’t he?

    • Ozymandias

      Oh, that’s good, Derpy. I think I would have liked the longer version done in that VH1-narrative style.

      • Gustave Lytton

        And a Pop Up Inflation version!

  13. westernsloper

    ?

    • Fourscore

      With intravenous feeds…

      • Rhywun

        Or a ventilator.

  14. UnCivilServant

    Shouldn’t it be “Manufacturing Bass” or “the bass player, Manufacturing”?

  15. Tejicano

    As we work our way through this, noting the more restrained way Japan is trying to balance between keeping people healthy and not trashing the economy, sometimes it feel like Japan is watching pensively while holding America’s beer.

    • straffinrun

      It is interesting. Their hands are tied by law as to how far they can go. Also, they can’t even pretend to be a self sufficient country, so I think the government is really hesitant to go much further.

      • Tejicano

        “Their hands are tied by law as to how far they can go”

        The same is true in the US but that doesn’t seem to stop the American Top Men from enacting any rule that pops into their power-hungry minds.

      • straffinrun

        The same isn’t true if the US is willing to violate the constitution. We’re getting into the “parchment barrier” argument here. Bullets > paper.

      • Tejicano

        Most of the PTB in the US seem to be more than willing to simply ignore the constitution and tell people what they have to do regardless. I found it interesting to hear Japanese politicians go to lengths to explain that they are requesting people follow the guidelines they have published. They have been very clear that the law constrains what they can make people do so they have to appeal to the people to do the right thing.

        In the US they just tell people what they have to do without even mentioning that they don’t have any authority to order such things.

      • straffinrun

        If you haven’t looked at Ozy’s post that come up while we were asleep, take a look. He fleshes this out in excruciating detail. Excruciating for people who thought they had constitutional protections.

      • westernsloper

        Thanks for the reminder. I saw that and did not go back to read it. Nails it.

      • westernsloper

        Their hands are tied by law as to how far they can go.

        Some of us were under the delusion that was the case in the states as well.

      • westernsloper

        Damn lawyers. That had to do with with federal funds though. Since when can a state blatantly violate simple constitutional bill of rights guarantees.

        Ah fuck, I thought of multiple examples as I typed that but I am leaving it. *Shakes fist at trash for pointing out my delusion*

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Since when can a state blatantly violate simple constitutional bill of rights guarantees.

        When that right hasn’t been “incorporated”. Dole isn’t a perfect fit, but it’s an example where fedgov used the states’ broader powers to get around a constitutional protection of rights.

        IOW, they’ll always find a way.

    • leon

      Karen is like the Fredo of N-words.

    • Tejicano

      I had been wondering what tentative connection this might have once had with some group of Burmese rebels. TIL at Glibs…

    • CPRM

      My little brother had a turtle that escaped and came back home months later.

      • Ozymandias

        Took a walk around the block, eh?

    • leon

      So the cat didnt come back the very next day?

    • Gender Traitor

      Mildly interesting, to say the least!

      Curiouser and curiouser…

    • straffinrun

      *Loads wrist rocket*

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Dude, I knew you was totally Mandalore!

  16. LJW

    They’re floating the idea of doing random mandatory testing for CV19 in our county to identify hot spots. I can’t imagine that’s legal but when did they ever care about that. Also we have a little over 200 cases and 9 deaths. Not like we’re being overrun.

    • hayeksplosives

      I got some paperwork after a recent med visit. One item listed was HIV: negative.

      I was surprised that the doc could just order that test without asking.

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        Standard for the last 20 years, I’m clean…

      • Tres Cool

        Given that you may be immune-compromised I see where that could be legit. On the other hand, maybe the doc thinks (hopes) you are an whore.

        Either way, Call Saul!

        #2 file
        #3 ???
        #4 Profit!

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I was surprised that the doc could just order that test without asking

        So much this. Never seen it not asked prior to bloodwork.

    • westernsloper

      One of the words on the street here, getting close to a month ago, was that the top men in Denver did not believe there were no cases on the western slope. Polis sent the national guard to set up testing in Telluride. My understanding is they found one active case. As I have linked several times, a couple who reside there who happen to own I biotech company had their people work up a test and they are testing the entire county for markers (or whatever the hell they are called) to find out how many people had it and moved on with life.

      • KSuellington

        Please, please, please. We need an antibody test pronto so we can see that many people were infected with this and did not even know it. I’m sure it was here since the beginning of January.

      • straffinrun

        Check the link in comment 36.

    • The Hyperbole

      M favorite of that genre is the Ann Coulter episode.

    • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

      Waiat, Wait, Wait, hasn’t any one told you to Fuck Off?
      I didn’t see it, so Fuck Off! Just in case…..

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        @ Donny

      • Donny McDonface

        thanks, sweetheart: sorry for my excusing excursion from my steady series of Escaped usernames

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        Sweetheart? Fuck Off, Really……

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        Oh, did you Escape? My Bad……..

      • Mojeaux

        Don Escaped his Moniker.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Oh, that does deserve rather enthusiastic opera applause.

        Bravisimojeaux.

      • Mojeaux

        *drops sweet curtsy*

        *throws kisses*

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        **Don’t tell anyone, Mo, but, I scanned that as “sweet crusty“, which caused a much-needed double take**

      • Mojeaux

        ***looks around for jugglers***

        Nah, bruh. No crust unless it’s on baked mac and cheese, and then we’ll talk.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Yeah, I figured as much.

        I will say, though, that “dropping sweet crusties” could become a slang hit in one or more sub-cultures.

      • The Hyperbole

        That’s Don Escaped changing his handle, some people do that, Personally I don’t get it, but whatever lifts up your skirt. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        Mo helped out, thanks, Don, you Asshole!

      • Gender Traitor

        ::looks at revised screen name:: Nice!

      • MikeS

        Quit hollerin’ at me!

        /Don

  17. Defiant YDAK of the Desert

    Covid19? Ha, soon comes the hot times, OMWC starts to complain, all the Midwestern Glibs begin sweat with the Humidity, and YDAK Laughs at the Heat,
    Get Ready, Summers Coming!

    • Tres Cool

      But we’re still going to perpetually be “just 2 weeks” away from the peak, and they’re gonna keep this shit rolling

      HEY YUFUS!

      • Donny McDonface

        Tony Kornheiser has this devastating takedown of the PHX Suns about how they’re always just two years away from being two years away

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        /Tall cans! Courtesy of Ozy!

      • Tres Cool

        Ozy is a fuckin’ asshole, cause I read his post, and its absolutely infuriating. But from what Ive seen, also correct.
        So other than being a Marine and a damn lawyer, Im thinking he’s a solid dude.

  18. Defiant YDAK of the Desert

    I went to golf and everyone was talking CV, sat down, had a beer and let them play on, then me an Curtis played, no CV talk, just a chill game. If your not going to do something, STFU!
    I’m tired of non stop CV news, where are the Millions of Bodies? FUCK OFF!

  19. straffinrun

    Let’s add a few details to Derp’s fine article:

    When asked to comment on monetary policy, Biden said he believes that we should, must go back to the Evening Standard. He added that having a gold backed currency would make our wallets to heavy.

  20. Defiant YDAK of the Desert

    I wonder if the Romans knew how Stupid the Senate was…..

  21. Rhywun

    It’s about time we identity politics the shit out of this.

    “The hospitals actually don’t report the race information directly to the state,” said DeRosa. “So what we end up doing on the back-end is calling the coroners’ offices around the state, after the death has been reported, so there has been a lag.”

    • commodious spittoon

      I always knew Joe DeRosa is an unfunny lefty POS.

      /okay done with comedian jokes

    • straffinrun

      “The data in an atmosphere of crisis is less precise,” said de Blasio during a Manhattan press briefing. “Gender is immediately available. Age is immediately available.

      And since those two classifications portrayed men and old people as hardest hit, new ways of slicing the data was sorely needed.

      • J. Frank Parnell

        Gender is immediately available.

        Isn’t that how Winston’s Mom identifies?

    • RAHeinlein

      I watched the Cuomo presser – nice deflection and pretending he had no knowledge, despite the NYT (and others) reporting the past two days.

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        Nuke it from Orbit, Blb bla bla….

  22. commodious spittoon

    The US dollar is a metaphor for Artie Lange, right?

    • commodious spittoon

      On January 30, 2020, Lange announced that he had been sober for one year.

      Oh… oh. RIP US dollar.

  23. Defiant YDAK of the Desert

    For a bunch of Glibs, you are a Damn good Group, thanks, and I love every one of you….

      • MikeS

        Here’s hoping you’d only be half as “fucked-up” if you have to go through he health problems he did.

      • Tres Cool

        But…but…they said the CoViD-19 did him in!

      • MikeS

        Love the avatar.

      • Don Escaped Muhlenberg County

        more of my nonsense

        no idea who drew Prine (who I stole this from); I’m really good at caricature, and Prine is an easy mark, but I think it’s been done

      • Tres Cool

        When I saw him, I was gonna say he had some cancer

      • pistoffnick

        Buddy, when you’re dead, you’re a dead peckerhead.

      • pistoffnick

        I saw him in Duluth as a Father’s day present from my wife.

      • MikeS

        What an awesome gift. I saw him once in GF 15-ish years ago. What an amazing, fun show. He really connected with his audience.

      • pistoffnick

        He was a constant around the campfire as I was growing up

      • dbleagle

        We took our HS kids to see him in Ventura, CA in 1998. It was there first live concert. They were appalled when their parents joined the crowd dancing in the aisle for the first song, “Spanish Pipedream”.

        I last saw him live in 2012 in an old theater in Honolulu.

        Fair winds and following seas to you John.

    • KSuellington

      Thanks straff. That is the first of that kind of test I have heard about and I really hope we can get a widespread testing of people for Covid antibodies. I had all the symptoms of it in early January and I know a few others here as well that did. I imagine once people realize it’s been here for a while and the death rate is far lower than imagined we can start to return to normal life.

      • straffinrun

        The government and it’s lackey’s in media will jump on every insignificant mistake in the study if it were to prove/strongly suggest that the mortality rate is much, much lower than the govt’s number. Shocking that government reacts to incentives, isn’t it?

      • KSuellington

        I’m highly suspicious (obviously) of the government and this whole bullshit panic is only pushing me farther into that. At a certain point I don’t think the media will be able to bury this any longer, but I still hold onto some of my natural optimism. The death rate of those infected with this is a fraction of the current numbers, I would bet 100 to 1 on it.

      • straffinrun

        At a certain point I don’t think the media will be able to bury this any longer, but I still hold onto some of my natural optimism.

        That “but” should be an “and”. 😉

      • KSuellington

        Heh, heh. Indeed.

      • Toxteth O’Grady

        Same difference in symbolic logic! ^

      • Tejicano

        I’ve mentioned it before – I hope there will soon be a way to test and prove a person has already had and recovered from the Chicom virus. In December and early January I had 3 business trips (6 flights) between Tokyo and Shanghai (1 trip) and Tokyo and Hokkaido (2 trips) on which most of the people around me were Chinese mainlanders (determined from their accents). Add to that a week working in Shanghai, traveling on the subways and through airports. During and after that I had a lingering upper respiratory infection which seemed a bit different from what I usually get from drying my sinuses out on the flight. It’s possible I did not pass this to my family because I was away most of the time – might have been recovering by the time I got home. Either way, I’d love to be able to prove that I have been infected and recovered so I can at least try to get back to work ASAP.

      • straffinrun

        From what I’ve seen, the big tell is having lower respiratory infection and a dry cough with fever. Then again, there could be multiple strains of this bug out there. And I can’t imagine that Japan was somehow spared from earlier infection from China. Too close and too much travel back and forth not too mention your New Mejicano butt spreading it all over Kanto. *Grins*

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Then again, there could be multiple strains of this bug out there.

        7 have been identified so far.

      • RAHeinlein

        Thanks for last night’s excellent article.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Thank you for the kind words!

      • straffinrun

        The question then becomes: what sort of immunity do those other strains provide for Cov19 and could you use serum for convalescent treatment. *My use of terms correctly not guaranteed.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Here’s the thing. SARS 2 is the psycho-killer cousin of the common cold. Think about it – the best we’ve been able to do for the cold in the past 100 years is still chicken soup and Tylenol.

      • straffinrun

        The Sars-CoV2 receptor-binding domain structure, which allows a virus to latch on to and enter a cell, is similar to Sars-CoV, despite amino acid variation at some key residues.

        Over my skis here. I’m assuming that is referring to the viral “spikes” and the chemical ability to latch on the cell’s receptors. I believe chloroquine disrupts that process and would hope that other strains would be able to produces antibodies that would counter that virus with antibodies.

      • westernsloper

        I think it has been here since Nov or Dec. Hence why the “models” are fucked. And seriously you didn’t click the links I posted? I have been on this band wagon with you! I work with people who got knocked on their ass in Dec with some respiratory ailment in Dec that did not test positive for “flu”. We work in the entry point to Telluride. If you know ski towns these days they are reserved for the wealthy. The wealthy travel. Most travel makes it way through CA. And I guarantee this thing got here through CA. An Australian chic is linked to nine cases in Aspen. I got ten bucks she picked it up in LAX or SFO.

      • Tejicano

        I’m a bit surprised that Australia isn’t seeing much bigger numbers of infected people – walking around Sydney last year I was hearing Mandarin about as frequently as English. So many Chinese have bought property there the market is going off the rails in terms of values.

        “An Australian chic is linked to nine cases in Aspen”

        It wouldn’t surprise me if she picked it up at an airport at home.

      • RAHeinlein

        Hemispheres

      • Tejicano

        Jet aircraft + airports

      • westernsloper

        It wouldn’t surprise me if she picked it up at an airport at home.

        Could be. Could have been someone on the plane. These things move as they move, I haven’t been to Australia for more than a few years now. (4?) I don’t remember an overwhelming number of Chinese but my entries were Brisbane or the much preferred Cairns.

      • Tejicano

        Yeah, it was my first time in Sydney. Second on Brisbane/Cairns. Both are lovely places.

        If you are visiting there – particularly in any of the smaller towns – and want to see how far your money will go in a pub do what my buddy did. He bought a beer and when the eventual question came from one of the locals “How do you find Australia, mate?” he looked then in the eye and stated, with proper gravitas “It’s God’s country”. He couldn’t pay for a beer the rest of the evening and went to his hotel totally drunk on his ass.

      • Chipwooder

        I think it’s possible I may have had it. I had a brief but intense illness in January. I was sick for four or five days. It hit me very suddenly – I was fine in the afternoon, and then right around dinner I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Went to bed immediately after dinner and didn’t get out of bed for days. Had a fever that reached as high as 102, extreme fatigue, and rather painful soreness all over my body.

        I never saw a doctor because I’m one of those “only if I think I’m dying” types, so I don’t know what it was. Thought maybe it was flu. However, though I haven’t had the flu in a very long time, I don’t recall having flu without nausea before. On the other hand, I didn’t have a cough either, which seems to be a hallmark of WuFlu. I don’t know that I did have it, but it wouldn’t shock me to discover that I did.

    • pistoffnick

      Well, fuck. John Prine was one of my favorite songwriters.

      • MikeS

        A true American treasure.

      • pistoffnick

        I’m gutted

    • Chipwooder

      Please don’t bury him down in the cold cold ground

  24. Mojeaux

    *flu shot is topic of tv shows Mr. and Mrs. Mojeaux are watching*

    TV character: There is no conspiracy, no awful things.

    Mr. Mojeaux: Anthrax.

  25. Defiant YDAK of the Desert

    I met up with an AC/R guy, Im an HVACR Guy, anyway, we are looking to go into business here after the fall, there are Zero Refrigeration companies here, they all come from Vegas, so we re in a good spot when things open again, if not, We are all Fucked anyway

    • Don Escaped Muhlenberg County

      ever thought about truck/heavyduty AC?

      it’s a specialty that most shops just aren’t good at

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        I did that for Del Worsham Racing for a few years, good work, but not year round, I like Commercial Rooftop work

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        But you see Don, we are trying to fill a niche that doesn’t exist in BhC, No one does Restaurant Refer work in town, its all AC, So when things start up, we are going to ne there, local, and make customers…

    • straffinrun

      Keep them pokers in the fire. As many as you can so that when people start going back to work, you’ll have a head start on them.

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        Exactly! thanks straff!

  26. Don Escaped Muhlenberg County

    my favorite songwriters

    Willie Nelson
    John Prine
    Dolly Parton
    John Hiatt
    Hank Williams
    Guy Clarke
    Steve Fromholz
    Jimmie Rodgers

    • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

      Dwight Yoakum

    • Gender Traitor

      Do you know from Paul Thorn?

    • MikeS

      You forgot Warren Zevon

      • MikeS

        Disregard. Missed the “my favorite” part.

      • Gender Traitor

        Euphemism?

      • RAHeinlein

        Apparently not a 60-minute man.

    • Mojeaux

      Jimmy Webb

      • Mojeaux

        Yep, after I said how awesomely awesome Glen Campbell was.

      • Mojeaux

        Don’t make me choose. That is a no-win scenario.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Sir Mix is aging like Elvis, methinks. Don’t get me worng–guy is a razor-sharp business mind, when it comes to music.

        I just fear that, after he passes, it’ll be; “D’ya prefer ‘skinny’ Sir Mix-A-Lot, or, ‘fat’?”

        /not a Biden joke.

      • dbleagle

        go to 2:30 to miss the commentary.

    • Tres Cool

      You misspelled John Lennon. While a POS personally, and a marginal (tho pop music) legend, Ill argue he’s the best songwriter ever. Willie is a very close 2nd.

      • Mojeaux

        I thought I knew you. ?

      • Tres Cool

        as a songwriter? C’mon.

      • Don Escaped Muhlenberg County

        hard to argue with that so far as it goes

        I much prefer guys who’ve lived their stories, guys I’d like to go fishing with, but that’s not a CMA category

      • Don Escaped Muhlenberg County

        loch and lusa are the same word in different Muskegon languages: black

        Tres is gone

        I’ll bet there’s some fabulous displacement story how that got all garbled up. The Chickasaw and the Choctaw used about the same word, and it’s all over the place here. The confluence of the Mississippi and the Loosahatchie is only two miles from where I write.

      • straffinrun

        Define “songwriter”. The tunes are catchy, the lyrics retarded.

      • Tres Cool

        “Jealous Guy”?

        thats one of his best pieces

      • straffinrun

        Considering he most likely did beat women, I find that song just plain ol’ creepy.

      • Tres Cool

        IF you’d stop beating women, you may see it in a different light

        “I dont know what the big deal is about “battered women”. I think they taste fine raw” -some comedian

      • straffinrun

        Now I have to start beating women to expand my knowledge base. That, Tres, is how you Glib!

      • Tres Cool

        and “most likely” doesnt work. Just cause she’s jap- he was from Liverpool. Not a pool of testosterone there.

      • straffinrun

        Seriously. Where’s the deep insight in that song? It’s the refrain of every asshole that hits his wife. He’s admitted doing it, so am I missing something?

    • Chipwooder

      I would take Hank Sr and Prine from your list and add Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash, John Fogerty, Nick Cave, Bob Mould, Prince, Dave Mustaine, and Jeff Hanneman.

      • Don Escaped Muhlenberg County

        Cash: since I live on Big River, hard to argue with a Sun man

        Haggard: I saw him in Fort Worth, but he didn’t sing Don’t Sing Me No Songs About Texas; I love his style and taste better than his lyrics; some of his populist bullshit probably keeps me from idolizing him

      • MikeS

        Then you would be wrong.

        /Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash, John Fogerty, & Dave Mustaine fan.

      • Chipwooder

        Wait…aren’t we largely in agreement here?

    • DEG

      Fuck.

    • straffinrun

      Doctors are “scrounging” and the US is “supplicating” before Russia. Goddamn do I hate loaded language in news articles.

      • Tres Cool

        “The plane is en route,” the Russian foreign ministry tweeted on the morning of April 1, posted along with a video of the packed aircraft. With the hashtag #RussiaHelps, the Kremlin said the supplies would “save the lives of American citizens.”

        Thats fuckin piss-hooker confirmation, right there.

      • straffinrun

        Russia is lying and this is propaganda. Russia is evil. Russia isn’t lying and this is propaganda. Russia is evil.

      • Tres Cool

        Meanwhile, dont look at Biden Jr hanging out over there. LOOK- ITS FUCKIN CORONA!

      • Tejicano

        You got you weave tangled with your weft. And that’s how you gin something up from whole cloth!

      • Rhywun

        At least we know that Russia is evil.

      • Tres Cool

        I was always told that. Nobody mentioned China until now. I mean, Hillary and Bill loved giving them state secrets. Her un-secured server in the shitter was hacked more time than a TB ward. I dont get it.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Nonsense.

        We’ve always been at war with Eastasia.

      • Rhywun

        Several of the Dems on stage have named China as our biggest foe. ?‍♂️

        Something something actions something louder.

      • Tres Cool

        Citation needed.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        You need to read more Emmanuel Goldstein.

      • Tres Cool

        I will if you give me a link.

    • westernsloper

      All I got is wow. Just wow. Although the Antinov 124 is an impressive airplane that still flies in some of the worlds finest shitholes.

      • Tres Cool

        The AN-124 is awesome. But even a blind hog gets a truffle from time to time.

      • Tejicano

        I always assumed that had a lot to do with the design being spec’ed to work with what passes for a runway in much of what was the communist blok.

    • Rhywun

      USA Today but same difference

  27. Tres Cool

    Im gonna re-post this link that I think Barrister Dean did….look at the IRI cases and how they peaked. Then once “corona” had a label…..they diminished

    https://www.cdc.gov/flu/weekly/#S2

  28. westernsloper

    I have to go wash my hands.

    • Tres Cool

      Under both wings and the cockpit….air force shower

  29. pistoffnick

    I’m out.

    I’m gutted that John Prine is dead.

    I’m not sure that I can work tomorrow.

    Good night.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good night, Nick.

      • CPRM

        I just ordered your bonus Swag from CafePress. Unfortunately it may not be delivered until June:

        Due to COVID-19, orders may not be completed as quickly as normal. Please review the estimated dates below. For additional details, see FAQ

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Aww, man–I thought it was just stuff you had. No need to order nuthin’.

        But, seein as you have, thank you!

      • CPRM

        Meh, it’s a fraction of what you’ve paid me. And also, I want a report on the quality as I think it’s an item no one has ordered yet. (and a clue: tooth not included)

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I can handle a book merch report.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder
      • CPRM

        Three young girls lusting after an old man, and it takes all three to run a twitter account? Disgusting on many levels.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        I don’t disagree. In fact, I even address the (non-Twit) issue in my next Night Shift.

        /oh…”hint, hint”

      • CPRM

        Nothing wrong with young girls lusting after an old man, they just always seem to not follow through. Where is the scandal!!

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Nothing wrong with young girls lusting after an old man

        As long as it’s the ‘correct’ old man, knowwhatimean?

        they just always seem to not follow through

        Yeah……dammit. ::sigh::

    • Gender Traitor

      Love it! A while back a Minnesoda friend posted Midwest Driving School.

    • Sean

      Hehe.

  30. Tres Cool

    *taps out

  31. Tejicano

    Over the weekend I ran my Weber for about 8 hours – first smoking an end roast, then a batch of Tandori, then some ribs, etc. For lunch today I had some of the Carne Asada which I grilled – Oh. My. Zod! Wonderful! I always use a Jaccard tenderizer for skirt steak since that cut tends to be tough and chewy. The Jaccard makes it really tender and allows the marinade to get in deeper.

    I wanted to recommend this device (the Jaccard) to y’all but I just looked in-line and it doesn’t seem like they offer the handy manual version any more. I suppose they would be dangerous around the mentally challenged and it must have gone the way of McDonald’s hot coffee. Sad to say. If you can find one at a flea market or a Salvation Army shop pick one up.

    • Rhywun

      I hope so.

      • UnCivilServant

        The sad part is that I can’t put it past them to have done so.

  32. Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

    Ooh-hoo! Bus-ted!!

    So, did the families of the other cited people get courtesy calls from the po-po?

    • Gustave Lytton

      “Illegal social gatherings”

      This is a still a free country, you wannabe jackboot.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        This is a still a free country

        Is it?

      • Gustave Lytton

        No, but I’m saying it anyways.

      • Gustave Lytton

        And there are four lights.

      • CPRM

        I voted for Tulsi Gabbard today! #Freedom #LetItAllBurn

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        You First….

  33. Plinker762

    It’s dead Jim.

    • CPRM

      I said nothing about mole man’s labia! Nice slow jam.

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        RE, Spect!
        Wadda ya say?

      • CPRM

        Don’t grab my ass during the slow dance?!

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Oh, so now you’re gonna make me barf?

      • CPRM

        I can’t help it if you have a weak stomach. Just like people who complain about spicy food.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Just like people who complain about spicy food

        Why do you hate your anus me so much?

      • CPRM

        I’m just sick of people asserting ”THIS place or THAT place gives me diarrhea!” I’m someone with a slow bowel, check your privilege!

    • Gustave Lytton

      I would posit “come and take it” is itself passive.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        That is, quite simply, brilliant.

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        Are you Talkin’ to me?
        Walk on home boy…

      • Gustave Lytton

        But I’m already home…

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Were country roads involved?

  34. CPRM

    My 80yr old aunt called me today going on about she had to call 911 last night. I drove her through the bank drive-through and ran into the store for her yesterday. I’m thinking, “Oh fuck! I gave her CORONA!”; after several minutes she gets around to the point. She had a rash breakout. She blames the KFC she made me buy her (even though she’s never before had an allergic reaction to KFC). Doc prescribed some stuff, my mom picked it up. Thanks for the heart attack.

    • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

      Bought into the panic erh?

      • CPRM

        No, but the way she went on about having to call 911 and how horrible it was that she couldn’t sleep…I was expecting something more than ”My back itched and I couldn’t reach it.”

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        Yes you did…

    • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

      A KFC rash sounds positively South Park-ian. Was it that severe, or, is 911 just how she deals, medically?

      • CPRM

        She does like to complain, but I didn’t think she’d take a rash so far as to call 911.

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Well, it’s probably one of their better calls, when all is accounted for.

      • CPRM

        1 case in the county. OMG!

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Oh, I wasn’t even thinking of batusi. I’m sure even a rather pedestrian heart attack call is more stressful that a rash.

      • CPRM

        Heart attacks can’t go to the hospital! Gotta save beds for CORONA!

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        ? ?

    • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

      You need Cleansing, Soylent might work…

    • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

      Dog Jenga! hell yes!

      • Digby is still NOT a Naked Intruder

        Inorite?!

  35. Defiant YDAK of the Desert

    And a refreshing Nap!

  36. KSuellington

    I got a new cartridge for the record player a few weeks back and have been going through the collection. Playing the side 2 of Inner Visions right now, so good.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wZ3ZG_Wams

    • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

      Great Album, I grew up with it

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        God I love the sound of a Moog Synth!

      • KSuellington

        Viva El Moog!

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        I might get a chance to set up my EDM rig Friday, Moog Heaven!

  37. Defiant YDAK of the Desert

    Its 75 in here, I’m cold…..

    • KSuellington

      Jesus Children of America.

      That needs a comma in there.

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        Jesus, Children of America
        Hows that,?

  38. Defiant YDAK of the Desert

    When does my Heat Pump start?it’s 73 in here!

    • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

      /Lizard

    • Gustave Lytton

      It’s allegedly 70F inside, but 45F outside and high humidity. I feel freezing.

      • Defiant YDAK of the Desert

        Brrrr…..

      • Gender Traitor

        72.
        ::tosses covers off. Cat parks itself on exposed legs::

      • Sean

        That’s right about my threshold.

      • Festus

        Yep, I run hot. Nurses kept trying to lower my temp and it turns out that I was “born that way”. O minus blood too.

    • Sean

      “I mean who knows Marshall law may go into effect, ”

      Marshall. ?

      • Gender Traitor

        Beat me to it.

        That’s some top-notch journalism there, yesiree.

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t remember much about that show.

      • Sean

        Lol…Arsenio Hall…

        Never heard of it.

      • UnCivilServant

        Having jogged my memory – it was forgettable schlock.

      • UnCivilServant

        Remembering old TV series has me asking “Why would you ever name your show just ‘Legend‘???”

        You know how many things turn up when searching for that?

      • Gender Traitor

        Legend is a science fiction western television series that ran on UPN from April 18, 1995 until August 22, 1995

        I’m impressed that you remembered it.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m pretty sure my family might have been the only one to watch the original run all the way through.

      • Festus

        I’m impressed that anyone remembers Arsenio Hall.

    • Gender Traitor

      So far, it appears our county parks are still open (all events/activities cancelled, of course,) with the obligatory warnings about social distancing.

      Our township also has two parks. I should drive by and see if they’re accessible. Might have to stage a civil disobedience picnic.

  39. Gender Traitor

    Restaurant Update: You Can Get Liquor with Orders

    “Liquor Control issued an emergency rule in response to a request from restaurants who have a liquor license, but I also suspect from some folks out there who do carryout with these restaurants,” said the governor.

    Is it possible that pushback might actually work? Is that too much to hope for?

    • Sean

      Two prepackaged drinks? Lame.

      • Festus

        That’s plenty for a pre-teen…

    • UnCivilServant

      Pushback working would be the governer resigning in disgrace and the state reopening. Not merely a loosening of the noose.

      • Gender Traitor

        Yeah, we have a long way to go yet. ***SIGH!!!***

        ::pointedly refrains from holding breath::

      • Festus

        Hey, GT! Shoe problem solved. Just needed to dip deeper into the stock. Wifey likes to purchase two pairs at a time when they’re on sale and I found the ones that worked for me last summer. When you do 10 to 15 miles per night they are important. Thanks for your recommendations!

      • Gender Traitor

        Least I could do, which is why I did it. File for future reference. : )

      • Festus

        Tip’s tinfoil tricorn.

      • Festus

        Oh God. Teds is gonna kill me….

  40. Festus

    Poisoned myself a little at work last night. Fucking chemical sprays! How do they work? Dumb-ass.

    • Rufus the Monocled

      Are you sure you’re not from Labrador or Winnipeg?

      • Festus

        Nope. Just plain stupid.

  41. Rufus the Monocled

    Well done!

    Someone hasn’t heard of MMT.