Aliens Invade Earth, Women and Minorities Hardest Hit

by | May 13, 2020 | Satire | 365 comments

LOS ANGELES – “While it appears that this is an extermination campaign, it has largely spared rural America which skews older, whiter, and more Republican,” explained associate professor of political science Susan McGee-Maus from the ruins of UCLA. Meanwhile, many experts have blamed Trump for the botched response. “We’ve known for decades that the universe contains countless planets, so it’s just ridiculous for Trump to claim that no one could have predicted this,” said Joy Behar, noted astronomer and host of The View. Although Trump mentioned reports from Wyoming and West Virginia that concentrated small arms fire can repel and even disable the enemy war machines, this remains unconfirmed. In response, the CDC reiterated that a gun in the home is far more likely to harm an innocent than a hostile extraterrestrial. Elsewhere, a Black Lives Matter protest against the aliens was incinerated by heat rays. “Unfortunately, it appears these murderous intergalactic beasts are immune to accusations of racism, and efforts to shame them on Twitter have had no effect. I call on our nation’s finest minds to find another way to guilt trip them,” said black leader Jesse Jackson. Environmentalists and feminists have also reacted. The Sierra Club has stated that the devastation presents and opportunity to reduce carbon emissions and overpopulation. The National Organization for Women has called for stronger efforts to prevent abduction, unless the aliens turn out to be sexy. “If they’re tall and make a decent amount of whatever it is they use for money, I’d be willing to wear a Princess Leia bikini for them,” said Gloria Steinem. While Trump has authorized the military to counterattack with whatever means available, mobilization has been hindered as commanders struggle to create a cool name for the operation. Experts say it will likely be a present participle followed by an animal.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

365 Comments

  1. juris imprudent

    Young Gloria Steinem in Princess Leia costume, yes. Current Gloria Steinem, no, thanks, please, for gawdsakes NO.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Might stop the aliens?

  2. commodious spittoon

    In other news, the interstellar alien menace polls higher than Trump among New York voters by forty points.

    • Hyperion

      No path to 270.

      • juris imprudent

        SMOD ’16 was a universal disappointment.

      • Gustave Lytton

        *pours out ballot box of 40 for ALMANIAN*

      • Hyperion

        Dude, Almanian said way back when, that when he disappears that Hyperion must be elected Supreme Overlord.

      • Lackadaisical

        Dude, Almanian said way back when, that when he disappears that Hyperionbole must be elected Supreme Overlord.

      • Hyperion

        Did drugs fall out of your ass?

      • Incentives Matter

        It’s “Almanian!

        Get it right.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Shit. I thought it was all caps. *hangs head in shame*

      • The Last American Hero

        That’s because Ktuthlu stole its votes.

  3. Hyperion

    I ain’t saying it’s aliens. BUT IT’S ALIENS!

  4. DEG

    said black leader Jesse Jackson

    He’s still around?

    • C. Anacreon

      No, he died and they made him in a dark, short strand of tough fishing line, aka a ‘black leader”

  5. Sean

    I like ?s.

    • banginglc1

      mmmm . . .soup.

      • OneOut

        Trolls ?

        I bet it’s me.

    • pistoffnick

      In soup?

    • commodious spittoon

      It’s pronounced TUHTLES.

      • Ted S.

        No ampersands in the link text?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Is it that time of the month?

    • Tres Cool

      /sksksksks
      /and I oop
      /save the turtles

    • Tejicano

      Large tortoises are apparently quite delicious. The Royal Geographical Society had a bounty out for a living specimen from Mauritius for the better part of a century (IIRC) and although many ships did attempt to bring one home to old Blighty none of the crews could be restrained from eating it before completing the voyage.

  6. Hyperion

    Not going to say much more, but I swear there is a troll on this site that has escaped detection. Not my business. Nothing to do with this post, but I’ve noticed it for a few days now.

    • pistoffnick

      He who smelt it, dealt it?

      • Hyperion

        Not my sock. I’m remaining silent.

      • pistoffnick

        So you admit to sock puppets, do you?

      • Hyperion

        Yeah sure, I’ve been Hyperion at this site and TOS since around 2007.

      • Bobarian LMD

        What all the Tulpae say.

    • Ted S.

      That’s no way to talk about Hyperion! :-p

    • Brochettaward

      Hyperion the cocktease. Sort of guy to fuck you in the ass and not even give you a reach-around. If you’re going to start it, finish it.

    • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

      Is this where I jump in and tell Derpy this was stupid, and everyone around here is stupid for liking it, and stupid, and crap…?

      • Chafed

        Yes. Yes it is.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Got it! ?

        I realized that I forgot to mention how disappointed I am at Derpy, and this site, and everyone, and everything.

      • Tejicano

        I think you’re supposed to say something about it being childish or sophomoric or something too…

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Dammit….he’s right. I guess I’m disappointed in myself.

      • Tejicano

        And don’t forget to put on those red slippers before you pout and stamp your feet.

  7. juris imprudent

    How about a little mil-derp?

    I once thought that SOF held the risk of turning into a Praetorian Guard, but really they are much more like the French Foreign Legion.

    • Drake

      That’s the CIA and FBI now – obviously. They tried to pick the next Emperor and strangle the current one.

    • C. Anacreon

      Roses are red,

      They grow in this region.

      If I had a face like yours,

      I’d join the Foreign Legion.

  8. Mojeaux

    LOL *wild applause*

  9. Sean

    I’m not really a hat guy. Occasionally I’ll buy one to see if I can make it work. It never does, but like an Alzheimer’s patient I keep repeating this.

    The latest one arrived today. It was made in China and that immediately aggravated me. I should know better. ?

    • pistoffnick

      As the hair on the top of my head fades away, I am becoming a hat guy – if only for the added UV protection.

      • juris imprudent

        ^^ this guy gets it

    • Drake

      I haven’t had a hair cut since February. My hair style is something between the Larry Fine and Doc Brown. So yeah, I’m wearing hats now.

    • westernsloper

      You need to join the weekend Zoom drunkfests. Last weekend we were all modeling hats like a bunch of idiots.

      • The Hyperbole

        “like” a bunch of idiots .

      • westernsloper

        Semantics.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Anti-semantics.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I dont remember any of that

    • Tejicano

      4 years in the infantry taught me what hats are for. When you spend huge chunks of your existence outdoors, doing strenuous activities as well as crawling and sleeping on the ground in all kinds of weather you appreciate a proper hat.

    • leon

      I started wearing hats to avoid styling my hair every day.

    • westernsloper

      A superb name, but apparently she is a racist. because pointing out that the people who work in meat packing plants aren’t regular folk. I would argue there are different types of regular folk, but that is just nit picking and I am most likely a racist.

      • straffinrun

        She should’ve been more articulate said, “non meat packing folks”. No chance for misunderstanding that way.

      • DrOtto

        Homophobe

    • DEG

      That is fucking HYUGE!!!!

      • Hyperion

        Other state governors: Feature, not bug.

  10. hayeksplosives

    Experts say it will likely be a present participle followed by an animal.

    Tee-hee. We should do a press conference mad lib.

    • Ted S.

      Hawt.

      • Tres Cool

        She’s a touch small for my tastes, but WOOD

      • Tres Cool

        After all, she wants to get pregnant just so she knows how an abortion feels.

      • Tejicano

        I’m kinda weak on my animal husbandry techniques so – pass!

      • Tres Cool

        Just dont play with her in a gravel driveway. Ask her sister.

    • Sean

      Is that Spam loaves tattoed on her legs?

      ?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Her legs are made of actual spam.

    • commodious spittoon

      What the fuck is with the bologna slices on her thighs?

    • westernsloper

      What the fuck is wrong with you? That was unnecessary.

      • C. Anacreon

        Damn right. I just lost my appetite for supper, just as Uber Eats is pulling into the driveway too.
        Thanks a lot Crusty!

    • Aloysious

      I’m expecting Lena Dunham.

      • Aloysious

        To be sure, not klicking that.

    • juris imprudent

      The difference between Q and Crusty couldn’t be more perfectly juxtaposed.

      • Crusty Juggler

        I appreciate a little muff fluff and natural curves – Q is more of a barely there fitness freak fella.

        It’s ebony and ivory.

      • Ted S.

        Living in perfect harmony?

      • Q Continuum

        It takes all kinds.

    • Q Continuum

      I think 13 is in Dean’s backyard.

    • DEG

      #3 and #26.

    • Chafed

      Hello #2

  11. hayeksplosives

    OT:
    Subhead: Request for opinions.

    I have an iPhone and use it for Amazon Kindle content and eBooks. I need a headset for it for travel, in bed, etc, but I don’t like the standard earbuds.

    Are the Bose Quiet Comfort ear buds any good?

    I’m also looking at the kind built into a headband made especially for sleeping. But I’ve only seen Chinese crap—what’s the legitimate product they are ripping off?

    “Lightning” style cord of course.

    • Viking1865

      Wife has the Amazon Echo buds. I have some Jabra 65ts I like. Really down with the wireless earbud thing, it’s joined the every day carry rotation.

      • egould310

        Thumbs up any Jabra product. Also j-lab.

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      About three years ago I got hearing aids.

      Minus: They don’t really help that much and my tinnitus is still dominant.

      Plus: I have this device called the Phonak which connects my hearing aids to my smartphone.

      I can make/receive calls with no interaction with my phone. When traveling with my mother-in-law I could put on music that I would hear, drowning out her bitching.

      Sometimes that is good enough.

      • Old Man With Candy

        What?

      • straffinrun

        It’s the sound of his neighbor’s dog talking to him.

      • Chafed

        Lol.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        Ed Zachary.

    • Incentives Matter

      Spousal unit has a pair of Sonys attached to what looks like a slave necklace, kinda, if it was super-high-tech.

      For the record, she loves it (great battery life amongst other things – 20 hours!).

      https://www.sony.ca/en/electronics/in-ear-headphones/wi-c400

    • Gustave Lytton

      I have the QC20 (wired). They’re great for plane travel or elsewhere with the noise cancelling turned on. When the noise cancelling isn’t needed, I like the AirPods instead for the convenience factor. I haven’t tried the noise cancelling AirPods. I don’t like the call control/volume on the AirPods and use the controls on the idevice or watch.

      • slumbrew

        I’ve never had a pair of headphones that fit as well as those Bose in-ear designs, but I’m not sure they’re making anything other than those super-expensive noise-cancelling ones now.

        My early-pandemic purchase was a pair of Jabra Elite 75t – they’re pretty great, albeit not quite as secure as those old Bose were.

    • grrizzly

      U.S.A! U.S.A!

    • SandMan

      Awesome, but glad nobody got shot.

    • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

      Fear of a Black Watergun?

      • Chafed

        If they had a black water gun then Sandman’s fear would have been realized.

        See also: https://youtu.be/a_0xYamFYYI

      • slumbrew

        I love that Fear Of A Black Hat is a thing here now. I love that movie.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        It is Uh-MAZE-ing! The fact that Rusty, wrote, directed, stars in, and, wrote all the music for it is just incredible.

        As I’ve stated here, recently–I own the soundtrack CD. Fuck The Security Guards and Granny Said Kick YoAss are the tops.

    • Crusty Juggler

      I wouldn’t want to enforce “don’t go near other people because of the invisible virus” in Medford either.

    • straffinrun

      TWiteR iz a PRIvate CoMpANY!

    • Lackadaisical

      His number one issue was lowering the minimum wage, per this 2019 interview with The Daily Beast, despite the fact that congressmen don’t have the power to do that.

      …huh?

      • straffinrun

        Have you ever seen them lower it? Unexercised theoretical power is an illusion of power.

      • Lackadaisical

        Not that I know of, but still… what a weird thing to say.

    • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

      Randall Colburn
      Randall Colburn is The A.V. Club’s Internet Culture Editor. He lives in Chicago, occasionally writes plays, and was a talking head in Best Worst Movie, the documentary about Troll 2.

      This dude has the nerve to criticize piss-drinking??

      • CPRM

        Hey! I’ve written plays!

        Also, wut?

        His number one issue was lowering the minimum wage, per this 2019 interview with The Daily Beast, despite the fact that congressmen don’t have the power to do that.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        A) It’s the Chicago/play-writing nexus that’s the issue.
        B) See??

      • slumbrew

        was a talking head in Best Worst Movie, the documentary about Troll 2

        “I briefly appeared in a documentary 11 years ago”

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        SEE?!?

        CP–I trust your playwright talent far more than I trust his.

    • Crusty Juggler

      Do not enact this slavers labor!

      • straffinrun

        Don’t do what I asked.

    • westernsloper

      That is above my skill level.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Like walking and chewing gum at the same time?

        Folks?!

    • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

      “Trump…mocking…journalist”–got it!

  12. Winston

    https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.macleans.ca/opinion/is-donald-trump-a-fascist/amp/

    Stanley centres fascism on power rather than belief and more specifically, techniques for winning power and keeping it. Those techniques are varied, but they include, as Stanley suggests, creating a narrative of victimhood and loss, undermining truth,

    ….

    In April, protesters took to the streets and state legislatures to protest state lockdowns. In Michigan, these actions were carried out under the banner of “operation gridlock.” Many of the groups identified as pro-Trump. On Apr. 30, armed protestors tried to get onto the floor of the Michigan state legislature, while others took to the gallery above. Does anyone doubt that at this point Trump commands—intentionally or otherwise—gangs of protestors and militias? In another era, we might have called them Brown Shirts.

    • Viking1865

      Does anyone doubt that at this point Trump commands—intentionally or otherwise—gangs of protestors and militias? In another era, we might have called them Brown Shirts.

      Or Minutemen.

    • leon

      “Stanley centres fascism on power rather than belief and more specifically, techniques for winning power and keeping it. ”

      That’s a stupid definition since fascism is a political ideology.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Wrong

        Fascism is things I don’t like.

      • Brochettaward

        A lot of…ahem…intellectuals…give fascism an almost mystical quality when defining it. As if it wasn’t and isn’t a defined political ideology put into practice in multiple countries.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Including the 1930’s USA

        And we’re still living with it as evidenced by the actions of the government and central bank over the last two months.

  13. Trigger Hippie

    *Checks clock for the unofficial Glib OT time*

    Good. Sorry, Derp. I need to bail, I’m already toasty, and I feel the urge to brain fart…so…

    Shallow Thoughts, by TH

    The Cindy Sheehan talk earlier got me thinking about crazy conspiratorial people who are obviously deranged yet are still able to hold enough cognitive reasoning to maintain at the least an ethos to base their decisions around on a consistent bases.

    Take for an example, Dennis Kucinich. The man is obviously a dyed in the wool progressive who has some peculiar beliefs about extraterrestrials and the possible impact they may have had on Earth’s history, but he also actually has a reflex to defend the constitution on certain issues and would vote against his party’s wishes to defend his principles…plus he married a redheaded smokeshow a foot taller than him, half his age, and has managed to keep her around long enough for her to wait put his death for the payday.

    So the point of my rant, I guess, is cheers to Dennis! You lucky, wrongheaded, yet weirdly honest little shit.

  14. westernsloper

    Good work Derp. This puts current events in a perspective that has not been touched on yet so I give you ten tequila points.

  15. Mojeaux

    The cheap hamburger is up to $4/lb here. The good stuff is $8/lb.

    One ginormous new-to-us freezer and 220 lb of beef at $1.99/lb later, I am feeling very clever.

    • pistoffnick

      I’m starting to think about raising rabbits in the basement.

      My whole menu is meat and vegetable.

      • Mojeaux

        My dad tried that. He couldn’t slaughter them after taking care of them.

      • pistoffnick

        I HATE RABBITS
        I HATE RABBITS
        I HATE RABBITS

        *campfire smoke goes into Mojeaux’s eyes instead of mine*

      • Mojeaux

        Hey, I was talking about my dad.

        I’m a little more hard-hearted and pragmatic than that.

        Ohhhhh, what a sweet little bunny!

        Please pass the BBQ sauce.

      • pistoffnick

        David Sedaris has a quip in one of his books about buying rabbit in the supermarket in France. They come split right down the middle of the rabbit, lenghtwise. He said something about having half a mind,,,,and I just lost it. I laughed so hard, I woke mrs. pistoffnick up.

        She found it more funny the next morning.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        OK, I don’t know which of you has earned my simmering rage more, so…I’ll just keep reading, for now.

      • mindyourbusiness

        Nah, if you eat the rabbits, you’re still on a vegetarian diet, since rabbits are vegetarians.

    • mrfamous

      I just bought three strip steaks for $5.99 a pound. I’m not worried about the meat shortages yet, but it certainly is different in the meat section. They only had 73/27 ground beef at $4lb a pound. No other ground beef mixtures.

      • Viking1865

        I think people hammered away at ground beef in the 3 lb tubes because they can be stacked in a freezer. Got some more vaccum bags for the sealer, so I am going to go ahead and get some meat this weekend and freeze some portions.

  16. Tres Cool

    I have a friend that has 2 kids that live in Michigan. We were texting about Gov Whitman, and I wanted to send him an article on how she hinted that ‘protests lead to more lockdown’.
    So on my PC, I used the search terms “whitmer threatens lockdown over protests” on my PC, using DuckDuckGo. Then, since I was using my phone, I searched it on Safari using Google.

    Holy Shit….the diff between the articles I got was night & day. All the google hits were pro-GOV

    “‘Swastikas and nooses’: governor slams ‘racism’ of Michigan lockdown protest”

    “Armed protesters demonstrate against Covid-19 lockdown at Michigan capitol”

    “Lockdown protesters don’t care about lives”

    DuckDuckGo gave me: “Gov. Whitmer threatens Michigan protesters with lockdown extension”

    …which is why I avoid google

    • cyto

      This is too important to be ignored.

      Google has been shoving stuff at me in my phone’s news feed. Stuff that clearly is not algorithm driven. All of it pro-progressive stuff.

      Three days ago or thereabouts they sent me two cards about retrospectives on the Nixon impeachment and the Clinton impeachment. A day and a half later, former Clinton impeachment lawyers file an amicus brief in the Flynn case.

      Now, there was absolutely no reason to send me those two links. Yet somehow they lined up with what was happening in DNC politics – before the event was public. It was as if there were some group behind the scenes coordinating such things.

      I usually link to the NYT article that breathlessly describes the wonders of google CEO Eric Schmidt’s political manipulation company “the Groundwork”, but today’s search pushed this version to the top:

      https://qz.com/520652/groundwork-eric-schmidt-startup-working-for-hillary-clinton-campaign/

      It is a company entirely created to help progressive / democrat causes by manipulating the back end of tech companies like google search.

      • Gender Traitor

        Thanks for the info. I’ve been using DDG as the search engine on my laptop for a long time, but you’ve finally nudged me to change the settings on my phone’s browser (Chrome – maybe I should change that, too) from Google to DDG.

      • cyto

        The thing is, I’m a libertarian nerd who likes science stuff. And UNC sports. So anything Proggie that gets shoved in my feed is going to stand out like a sore thumb.

        My news feed looks like this:

        Nerd story
        Astronomy story
        Athlete entering transfer porthole
        Linux version release
        Barr destroying rule of law!!!!
        SpaceX story
        Reason.com article
        Former DOJ officials Call for Barr Resignation!!
        nerd story
        Virology story

      • Gender Traitor

        No news is good news.

      • UnCivilServant

        Glibs is the only news aggregator I visit.

      • Gender Traitor

        I’ll look over one of the local TV stations’ sites for local news & weather and, for lack of a better alternative, Fox for national/international news headlines, but Glibs is my home page.

  17. Crusty Juggler

    Let’s have at it. Name a celeb or celebs – someone we can google – that you shamelessly ‘baited to.

    Suzanne Somers
    Alicia Silverstone
    Kathy Lee Gifford

    • straffinrun

      Can’t fap to people who I know wouldn’t fuck me.

      • commodious spittoon

        I only fap after I’ve received consent.

      • straffinrun

        *Nods* I’ve never understood why rapists masturbate.

      • commodious spittoon

        Silence implies consent.

      • straffinrun

        infers.

      • commodious spittoon

        Silence can’t infer shit, silly. Silence only stands in mute witness to the nonevents that aren’t not going on.

      • straffinrun

        Actually, I don’t know the difference other than you tell people they are using the wrong one.

      • UnCivilServant

        To infer is the act of drawing a conclusion from something, the detectives infers from the evidence.

        To imply is to suggest something without saying it. The evidence implies a conclusion.

      • mrfamous

        That’s pretty much everyone in my case

    • Tres Cool

      What the…?

      Missing your 12-Step Group ?

      • Crusty Juggler

        Lock the door
        Unzip
        Unfurl
        Spit on hand
        Commence ‘bait
        Fill navel

        That’s five steps, bro.

      • Tres Cool

        No mention of the Farrah Fawcett bathing-suit/protruding-nipples poster?

      • kinnath

        I was married by time that poster came out.

      • pistoffnick

        I won that poster at the county fair by throwing a baseball at bowling pins.

      • kinnath

        Also note, I had subscriptions to playboy and penthouse by time this poster came out.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Old Steve Martin line —

        “Farrah wouldn’t give me the time of day, and after all the hours I spent holding her poster up with one hand!”

      • commodious spittoon

        Problem is, she doesn’t move her arms when she dances.

      • Tejicano

        While I’d expect she does have arms I can’t say I’ve ever noticed them.

      • Tres Cool

        “…and then the priest said, “those arent buoys!””

        -Seinfeld

    • Drake

      Lynda Carter

      Barbi Benton

    • pistoffnick

      Heather Thomas
      Heather Locklear

      • Crusty Juggler

        Rank the Heathers!

      • Gustave Lytton

        Heather McNamara
        Heather Chandler
        Heather Duke

    • Old Man With Candy

      That’s a group of boner-wilters.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Listen, no matter how many times you try to convince me I won’t apologize for preferring the adult version of Punky Brewster.

    • Seguin

      Aisha Tyler and all the girls on Charmed.

      • Lackadaisical

        New charmed or old? or both?

    • Brochettaward

      In a darker moment I once masturbated to Kathy Griffin.

      I apologize for nothing.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Dude….

      • Mojeaux

        I read this to my husband.

        “There are more attractive midgets out there.”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Penthouse Madonna, aka Hairy Armpit Madonna

    • Bobarian LMD

      Why would you want to take them fishin’?

    • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

      If they aren’t hot enough for porn or webcams, they aren’t worth it.

  18. Viking1865

    So, I don’t bother calling into the All Hands Zoom call every morning. Because I have fucking work to do. Well today, the woman across the hall was playing it loud over the speakers. So I got to hear the Office Prog Brigade endlessly bleating about MUH FAUCI and MUH SCIENTISTS. Meanwhile our numbers get worse and worse. But hey, its just money right. Not like we need money to actually fucking stay in business.

  19. Crusty Juggler

    Tony Scott > Ridley Scott

    • Winston

      *throws self off bridge*

  20. leon

    Can a lawyer weigh in, isn’t what Flynn’s judge doing what the SCOTUS reprimanded the ninth for doing last week?

    • Crusty Juggler

      I’m in at about 235. Covid 15, you know what I mean?

      Folks?!

    • Lackadaisical

      …what did he do?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        He’s taken on the role of judge and prosecutor.

        In short, he’s trying to charge Flynn with perjury for pleading guilty and then withdrawing it.

      • Gustave Lytton

        “Will no one rid me of this turbulent defendant?”

      • cyto

        If that happens… look for open rebellion.

        The federal system is rigged for plea bargains. 90%+ are resolved this way, and almost all are extorted pleas, similar to Flynn’s.

        These guys really, really, really want to protect their own. I’m stunned at how many political operatives in the bureaucracy are on board with doing whatever it takes to stop Trump – whether of the left or of the right. If he gets a second term, look for the swamp draining to reach open warfare proportions.

        People kept theorizing about why Romney suddenly became a docile kitten in the 2012 campaign. With what happened to the Trump campaign and since, I’m starting to listen to those conspiracy theories.

    • Chafed

      I’m not aware of what the 9th was reprimanded for but a trial court soliciting amicus briefs is very unusual.

      • Gender Traitor

        Not only did the Ninth Circus solicit amicus briefs, they suggested what issues the briefs should address.

        After Evelyn Sineneng-Smith had been convicted of violating a federal law related to encouraging illegal immigration, the Ninth Circuit reversed the decision, not based on arguments presented by Sineneng-Smith, but by third parties the court brought in to submit arguments that the panel of judges themselves had suggested.

      • Chafed

        Ouch. That is bizarre. RBG did the right thing.

        Thanks for posting the article.

      • CPRM

        tore into the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals for “drastically” straying from judicial norms

        Well, if enough of them do it, it becomes precedent, and then we can’t change it.

  21. egould310

    “ Experts say it will likely be a present participle followed by an animal.”

    Farting Beaver
    Licking Toad
    Milking Bull

    • Viking1865

      Felching Tapir.

    • westernsloper

      Infuriating Horntoads

    • Winston

      Milking Seacow starring Mark Hamill

      • egould310

        In color!

      • pistoffnick

        Fun facts:

        The word “hippopotamus” comes from the Greek word for “water horse” or “river horse.

        Hippopotami are some of the most dangerous animals in Africa, killing up to 500 people per year.

        Hippos sweat blood and fling their poo with their tail to mark territory and attract mates.

      • Old Man With Candy

        You have described Spudalicious to a tee.

      • pistoffnick

        Spud has a tail?

      • Bobarian LMD

        He can attract mates?

      • pistoffnick

        Hippos are my spirit animal.

    • pistoffnick

      Lactating Platypus

      • pistoffnick

        If you know what I mean.
        -Colin Mocherie

    • Aloysious

      Gargling Eel.

      • Bobarian LMD

        My kinda girl.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Felching Manatees

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Damnit, Viking beat me to felching

      • Tejicano

        Umm… oookaayy…

      • Viking1865

        Yeah are we still doing phrasing?

      • mikey

        OK. So I thought “felching” would be my Glib Word of the Day and looked it up.
        Mistake.

        I learn a lot around here. That is not always a good thing.

      • straffinrun

        I imagine it’s a combo of “felatio” and “belch”.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Wrong hole.

      • straffinrun

        Fine. Fart and belch.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Close, but no cigar…

      • Tejicano

        I can vaguely remember just enough about the meaning of that word that I know I don’t want to remember it exactly.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      Tweeting Orangutan

      • Gender Traitor

        That which was done by you at that place did not go undetected.

  22. straffinrun

    And Derp, that was good! Was waiting for a Krugman reference, though.

  23. Crusty Juggler

    I’m a Middle-Aged Woman Who Loves Twerking During Sex
    The problem: It’s hurting my back. Any exercise tips?

    I’m a 55-year-old woman who’s been married to a 56-year-old man for nearly 30 years. We have sex at least twice a week, and it’s better than ever! However, I’ve noticed now that when I get in positions where I twerk a lot—like on all fours, cowgirl positions, 69ing, etc.—my lower back is tweaked afterward and hurts for a day. It goes away until the next time when I’m fine during sex and don’t feel the back pain until afterward. I know if I lost some weight that would help. Is there any exercises I can do to strengthen my back so I can still twerk on him when he drives me crazy? I have no idea where to find exercises for strengthening my back for twerking? I’m not ready to be relegated to side-only positions and activities.

    • pistoffnick

      “…at least twice a week…”

      Fuck, Grandma is getting it on more than me.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Cat-Camel stretches, not prolonged. About 30 repetitions a day.

      *goes back to twerking*

    • CPRM

      who’s been married to a 56-year-old man for nearly 30 years.

      A different 56 year old man every year for 30 years? Bunny boiler!

      • leon

        Started out as a sugar baby, now she’s robbing the cradle

  24. Bobarian LMD

    OPERATION: EATING TURTLE?

    • commodious spittoon

      It’s pronounced tuhtle.

  25. Brochettaward

    Facebook is seeing fit to broadcast WHO press conferences live now on my news feed…

    • slumbrew

      Facebook…

      There’s your problem.

      • Chafed

        Listen to Slumbrew.

  26. Chipping Pioneer

    Operation Twerking Eagle

      • pistoffnick

        I..ahh..need a tissue.

      • slumbrew

        Credit to HM for that link, from when I first came over from TOS.

        Probably solidified my move.

  27. kinnath

    to the powers that be, I have submitted the first of several articles on planting and managing a backyard orchard.

    • Don Escaped Australians

      cool

  28. CPRM

    I linked to this in the afternoon links and none of the daytime folks cared. But you late nighters have had to read my complaints. My birthday present replacement to myself arrived today! (the big red one, I bought the other two for myself last year.)

    • salted earth

      🙂

    • Don Escaped Australians

      since I have no idea but have a bit of Glib experience, ima guessing
      a/ bear-proof bee hives
      b/ armored, self-propelled orphan mining suits
      c/ clam-shell laptop and wanking gloves chests
      d/ worst bullet casts ever
      e/ worst Greta Thunberg love-dolls ever
      f/ Fist of Etiquette backup ego reservoir
      g/ NoDak adult diaper outer garment
      h/ HM-proof bung-tongue cladding
      i/ Gilmore sharp-dressed-lego fever dream
      j/ Minnesota-nice Godzirra party mask
      k/ trespasser found shrinky-dinked the next morning down a long, rural driveway in Louisiana

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        ‘C’!….No, ‘E’! It’s definitely ‘E’!

      • Chafed

        Definitely c.

  29. straffinrun

    Security footage of Biden dumpster diving behind a beauty parlor. Victim of social distancing.

  30. mikey

    “Montana reporting 462 confirmed COVID-19 cases”

    I guess “Montana Reporting Zero New Cases, 15 Active Cases and 3 Active Hospitalizations”
    Isn’t much of a headline.
    I think we’re waiting for the total cases to go down

    https://flip.it/EHhe6i

    • creech

      I noticed the local tv news no longer reports daily additions to the scorecard. Now all they report is the total since day one. So the totals are always going up and (purposely?) alarming those watchers who haven’t had the foresight to write down the previous day’s totals and do the subtraction.

      • CPRM

        Corona cases in [STATE] reach new high!

      • mikey

        I guess I shouldn’t complain they do always give you the relevant numbers, but the focus on the total is just is just meaningless fear mongering.

    • tripacer

      Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but the numbers in the left column seem to be getting smaller

      • CPRM

        That can’t be right, it shows total COVID-PANIC deaths around 50,000, we all know it’s over 100,000.

      • slumbrew

        My mother went with “over 800,000” when we chatted this weekend. She shall most assuredly vote for Biden DNC candidate.

      • CPRM

        According to the chart, while I’m drunk, the 100,000 comes under this heading :Deaths with Pneumonia, Influenza OR Covid-19. If I’m reading this right, that right there shows what a shitshow this all is.

      • slumbrew

        “We’re gonna assume it’s Covid-19, for $reasons”

      • dbleagle

        Hawaii 55 active cases (2 in hospital) and a grand total of 17 deaths. This only cost an official 40% unemployment rate and 5 mile long lines of cars for “free” food.

      • slumbrew

        JFC.

      • tripacer

        I really think I’m just not understanding it. Like there’s a hidden angle I’m not getting. I mean- I know lying and manipulating numbers to support a narrative is what they do, I just don’t get how it can be so obviously wrong.

  31. CPRM

    I just now realized that IO in the IO panel on the back of a computer stands for Input/Output. Random drunken realizations.

    • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

      So…..NOT the planet, then?

      ::goes to reconfigure computer::

  32. Brochettaward

    In a nice example of principals over principles, Breyer expressed some concern over House Dem’s fishing expedition:

    “The subpoenas that I’ve seen,” Breyer told Douglas Letter, the general counsel for the House of Representatives, “apply to 15 Trump-affiliated entities. They ask for all documents related to opening of accounts, due diligence, closing, requests for information by other parties, et cetera. Now that’s a lot of information, and some of it’s pretty vague.” And “my problem” with all of that, Breyer continued, is “the fact that what I hold today [in this case] will also apply to a future Senator McCarthy asking a future Franklin Roosevelt or Harry Truman exactly the same questions.” That, Breyer told the House’s lawyer, “bothers me.”

    Got that? (TW: TOS) His issue isn’t that they are doing this to Trump, but that it might be used against a progressive champion in the future.

    • slumbrew

      That’s some mighty fine principles, Lou.

      • R C Dean

        Me Today, You Tomorrow.

        Perfectly fine principle. I thought it was a good line of questioning.

    • Chafed

      I think that’s too clever a reading. It’s an inarticulate way of getting to the idea this could be used against any president. I think it was also part of an effort to get House counsel to state a limiting principle. He didn’t.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        While you are correct, I can’t say that they are wrong, either.

      • Brochettaward

        I don’t. I think it’s a base reading of it. He may have been trying to prompt an argument for some sort of limiting principle, but that goes back to my main point. The concern isn’t that all this information is being asked for from Trump on a flimsy pretext just as I said. You can argue that he picked his examples randomly or without much concern for how it could be interpreted or just chose his words poorly, but I’d argue it just reveals his own biases regardless.

        And McCarthy at least stumbled upon actual honest to god communists unlike this farce.

    • CPRM

      She loses more than that runnin for the bus rickshaw pulled by non-carbon emitting life forms.

      • straffinrun

        She likes subsized candy.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        “6-1-2 Wharf Avenue”

      • straffinrun

        N/A. 🙁

      • straffinrun

        Thumbs up.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        It’s an ear worm. To me, at least.

    • CPRM

      We knew that there are too many guns in the hands of people who should not have them; now even more are being sold in record numbers. We knew that drug addiction and alcoholism were rampant in the post-industrial Midwest; now both are increasing.

      Them damn drunk gun nutz caused China Virus China Syndrome Covid-19!

    • Brochettaward

      I like the bitching about federalism. I mean, I’m going to bet he’s written endlessly about how awful the Trump admin’s response to this has all been, yet his takeaway from all this is that we need all the decision making centralized into the hands of the executive of the entire country.

      • CPRM

        …we need all the decision making centralized into the hands of the his handpicked executive of the entire country.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        That does seems to be his shtick.

  33. one true athena

    I just opened one of the TP rolls I had to buy during the shortage – bought by the roll, mind you, no multipacks

    And this stuff is like what you find in the bathrooms of gas stations on a road trip in 1990. one step up from a paper towel in that same bathroom.

    it’s probably my special sneak preview of the Forthcoming Wonders of Debt Collapse so I should just be grateful I have better stuff for as long as it lasts. I should keep one roll of Quilted Northern in my display case to bring out for the grandkids – “and feel this, kiddies, this was what Toilet Paper was like before the Hunger Games began.”

    • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

      In A.D. 2101–TP Wars was beginning

      All Your Waste Are Belong To Us.

    • egould310

      Quilted Northern is the greatest TP ever. I’ve got a decent stash from the before times. I’ll try to purchase whatever I can from Amazon, but I’m protecting my double roll 12 pack. Double rolls; 12=24.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Mega Rolls > Double Rolls

      • egould310

        Wha tha fuuuuu… ?!?!?!

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Well, if the double rolls are better than single rolls, it should be the case that the mega rolls, at four times that of the regular, are that much better.

        And, they are!

      • salted earth

        Do the megas fit on the TP holder.
        Does anyone else use the calculator on their phone to figure out the least expensive price per roll while standing in the TP aisle?

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        I wouldn’t know–TP holders are for…::adjusts Crusty Juggler helmet::…”cripples and coloreds”.

        Wait–that can’t be right…

        Also: No, other than if one particular sized package of Charmin Ultra Soft is “on sale”. But, even then, I just check the price per unit breakdown on the shelf tags, usually.

    • straffinrun

      Hehe. I don’t claim to know the future in any real detail, but I do see a fan and some shit flying through the air directly at it.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder
      • Plinker762

        I was not disappointed

      • one true athena

        I definitely have the paper for that!

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        I should keep one roll of Quilted Northern in my display case

        In case of shit-on fan, break glass

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        That should be shit-on-fan

  34. salted earth

    We once lived as Kings.

    • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

      Now, we’re lucky to be Oilers. Or, Senators.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        I can live with that.

    • salted earth

      You know, that doesn’t seem so bad.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Second that.

    • Akira

      Haha, Takei Ischii is a beast. He studied under some true old-school yodeling masters and really does it well.

      (Yes, I went through a polka kick when I was learning the accordion)

  35. Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

    In reference to CJ’s request for media personality fappage, I kinda like this lovely lady news anchor

    No ring–check
    Got moves–check
    Finds Larry attractive———-what the hell; check

  36. Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

    From our Discord cousins: https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/1273335/oxford-coronavirus-vaccine-trial-begins-covid19-doctor-emily-cousens-political-correctness

    “We’ll quickly forget the devastating delay of the UK Government to take action, as Boris Johnson proudly safeguarded British institutions like individual liberty, and the pub, over lives.”

    I’m sure this is too late for all but the most Nippon/Euro/late nighters, but….holy shite. I think we’ve discovered the embodiment of Mojeaux’s greatest grammatical creation.

    • JD is in the United Karendom

      Since the car hasn’t been too far recently I took it for a drive last night to charge the battery, and noticed a disturbing amount of “THANK YOU!” signs. Also apparently “stay safe” is the Branch Covidian equivalent of “God bless you”, to which my response is, “no risk, no reward!”.

      Morning Digbo.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        A simple thank you to the doctors and nurses if you end up in the hospital should be enough. The servile attitude towards the NHS in a nation where the death rate has been on the high side has been kind of sad to see and the clapping is just silly.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        For decades the “tory scum” have been called “fascists” by the left, and now it’s effectively “tory is scum isn’t being fascist enough!”.

  37. UnCivilServant

    Morning, glibs.

    I’ve hit a rough patch where I’m not even getting work done at the day job, let alone anything I want to get done. I think I’m going to flee the capital district this weekend, go visit my mother.

    • JD is in the United Karendom

      I love it when bureacracy grinds to a halt. Road trip!

      • UnCivilServant

        It really saps the motivation when one of the documents I’ve been tasked to update has been accessed all of twice in its existance – including when I opened it to see what was there.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        *blinks*

        Road trip!

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, gentlemen.

      Sorry to hear about the rough patch, UCS. I know I felt the need to get away from my office for a bit, especially after the COVID theater began to escalate. A week ago Monday we started having to wear masks when away from our workspaces, and I had to go around each morning quizzing people about whether they were experiencing symptoms consistent with Lung Pao Sicken. As soon as an order of thermometers arrived, I was also going to have to take about a dozen coworkers’ temperatures daily. I decided it was a good time to be elsewhere, even if it were just at home.

      Hope some time away allows you to relax & refresh a bit.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        Morning GT. In all seriousness UCS, yeah it sounds like it’s time to down tools and embrace a change of scenery.

        Road trip!!!!11

      • UnCivilServant

        Can’t go anywhere until saturday. Have to connect to work.

      • UnCivilServant

        In quasiunrelated news, I ordered a few pulp magazines from the pre-decline era of their publication history. So far, the language used is rather dry and uninspired. Certainly nothing even close to the overwrought noir characature Hyperbole expected. I’m guessing the publications skimped on writers as much as they did on paper, so they got the bottom of the barrel output.

      • Gender Traitor

        Do I recall correctly that some eventually-big-name writers got their start in pulp? Heinlein comes to mind, but I haven’t looked that up to check whether it’s true.

      • UnCivilServant

        That doesn’t make it their best work.

        At the time there was a heirarchy of publications. If the people who paid the most in the genre rejected a story, you’d shop it around down the stack until you found someone who’d buy it. This ended up crudely sorting by quality.

      • Gender Traitor

        Oh, I’m sure if there were any big names who started out in pulp, they later looked back on that work and shuddered.

      • The Hyperbole

        Admittedly I was conflating ‘hard-boiled crime noir’ with ‘pulp’. I guess pulp is more a publishing category than a genre, so you’re going to encounter a wide spectrum of styles, genre and quality.

    • Sean

      Working from home is no way to live. I’m still going into the office during these trying times and it’s helped me stay relatively sane.

    • JD is in the United Karendom

      A savory marshmallow treat.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      “Nearly seven out of 10 Wisconsin residents still back Evers’ “safer at home” order”
      We desperately need to initiate some kind of economics education in the schools. People apparently don’t have the underlying knowledge to realize what they’re getting themselves into.

      • Sean

        I don’t believe any polls.

      • UnCivilServant

        “Would you rather stay indoors, or murder old people?”

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m annoyed by the reasoning used.

      The court said “The order is not okay because it didn’t follow this rule-making procedure” not “This is a gross violation of basic rights and impermissable whatever the motives asserted, or process followed.”

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Once the legislature approves the measures, and they will, it looks like the court will be fine with it.

  38. Festus

    Uh-Oh! I think I let my inner Glib slip out of his cage tonight while conversing with a cow-worker. Me and Big Gay Jeff are friendly (he’s the one that started the fund for my troubles last year) and we started talking. Turns out we were both venting our bitchiness on the universe today. I made a quip, “Maybe we’re on our Moons”. Then I told him about something positive that I saw on the way to the site. People out practicing on the ball diamonds. He turns around and starts complaining about oldsters gathering in empty parking lots to schmooze and drink coffee. In lawn chairs. Six feet apart. Then we started talking about how everyone is working at cross purposes to each other and I noted that they should have protected the vulnerable right from the start. He hemmed and hawed and then I enlightened him about Cuomo and Hogan sending Wu-Flu patients to nursing homes. Big Gay Jeff – “I’ve never heard of that!” Festus – “That’s because the media won’t talk about it.” He then starts going on about armed protesters at re-open rallies… I just chuckled. Big Gay Jeff is a Karen. A sweetheart but indoctrinated. And I Oop.

    • Festus

      The rank and file at Canada Post are near Tankie-level socialists if I need to clear that up for you.

      • UnCivilServant

        Not really, the term “tankie” doesn’t mean anything to me.

      • Festus

        They are so pro-union that they’d cut off their own noses to spite their face. Really. It’s not a wonder that three supervisors died in my seven and half years working on their sites. Upper management is asshoe, rank and file is bigger asshoe. They are red red red.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m reading that as your coworkers murdered the supervisors.

      • Festus

        Show me the Supervisor and I’ll show you the crime! There’s only a couple of cuntes and the cuntiest of the bunch wheedled his way up to Regional Manager. I hope he has fun losing his hair. We used to butt heads regularly but he has more important concerns, now. Eh, the workers are pretty lazy and very prone to take offence, hence the stress that caused those strokes and heart attacks. Now I’m thinking about Ron and Glen. Not putting my grieving gloves on, though.

      • Gender Traitor

        A long-time friend of ours is retired from the USPS, and he has one of the worst cases of TDS we’ve witnessed in our social circle.

    • Gender Traitor

      I’m lucky to be largely “on the same page” with my boss of twenty years. He agrees with me that the pandemic nonsense has been overblown and that the economic consequences will be dire. He commented recently, “I’m frustrated by all these restrictions, but I can tell you’re downright angry.”

      • Festus

        One of the happiest working experiences of my professional life was having a boss that I golfed with and also played on the same ball team. When push came to shove I was the one nudged under the bus, though. I think he lasted about six months more. Never spoke to him again. I’m not Glibbing right, am I?

      • Festus

        I had time to kill last night so I drove past the old plant. A place that employed upwards of 300 people sits vacant and moldering. The main building is honest to god filled with wood chips for some kind of bedding concern. It looks like Detroit after a botched face-lift. Heart breaking. It didn’t help that the sunset last night was achingly beautiful…

      • Gender Traitor

        I’m so sorry that happened to your company. I hate to think how many more workplaces will end up the same way in the coming months and years.

      • Festus

        That company was my life for five years. I was the Employee Rep for the last three. It was a thriving concern and because of of one cunte brought on board it just stopped being that. I didn’t just lose my job, I lost all of my friends and family. I helped those guys get hired and once my Ex and I split (family business), I was deemed expendable. Heart and soul I gave to them and now there are ruins. It was my one chance at the brass ring and then it was just gone.

    • Gender Traitor

      BUT DOUGHNUTS ARE AT STAKE!!! THIS ISN’T AN EMERGENCY, IT’S A CRISIS!!!1!1!

    • Timeloose

      The robber thought they were pecan log rolls.

  39. cyto

    Drudge has a stormy sky over the white house and the headline “Whistleblower of Doom!”

    Because some immunologist who used to work for the white house is saying that he predicts that next winter will be the worst in history… And the administration didn’t do what he wanted.

    Uh… they keep using the word “whistleblower” to describe people who merely disagree with a government policy decision. Do you think they know what that word means?

    Anyway, the house commerce committee is on top of it, doing hearings into this terrible malfeasance. Some CEO of a ventilator company is going to blow the lid off of the whole thing.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Drudge has become a histrionic twat who posts panicky headlines for clicks. The day his link farm goes under will be a good day for the internet and the world.

  40. cyto

    So last night I had to make a run to publix for bread crumbs. Wifey ran out in the middle of making a double batch of meatballs. While checking out, there’s some burly dude standing on the distancing stripe in front of me. He’s looking around, seemingly agitated behind his mask. He looks to me a few times, and finally says “this is all such bullshit”.

    “Yeah”, I helpfully offer.

    He goes on a rant about the rights of the people getting stomped on by the government.

    Now, this is the heart of proggie land. My particular town is more working class than most in the area, but we still have a plastic straw ban in place. And yet here’s this construction worker looking dude loudly proclaiming his anti-proggie stance.

    I don’t know what it says for the larger world….. but that would not have happened here in 2016.