IFLA: The “Congratulations!” Edition of the Horoscope for the Week of May 3

by | May 3, 2020 | Advice, IFLA | 112 comments

Well, it’s finally here.  The Mars-Jupiter-Saturn alignment is breaking up.  We have officially* gone beyond maximum hysteria.  And while the skies are otherwise not terribly informative (or has been mentioned, my brain may be working sub-optimally) there is at least a little (if transitory) good news as the Earth flits through a Sun-Mercury alignment Tuesday-ish (check your local time zone for details).  Which means Tuesday would be an excellent time to have a party if you can find an excuse.  Thursday will be an EXCELLENT day for homeowners as you have the “Enthroned in Perfection” (Sun-Earth-Moon) intersecting through the Earth with Jupiter and Venus (love and happiness).

There is finally a bit of normality as Taurus finally gets a planet (this time, Mercury).  Good luck to those of you born under that sign, and vim et celeritas for everyone else.  If you are a USPSA shooter, and if you have access to a match, this would be a good one to shoot major power factor in.  Venus in Gemini has contradictory meanings (as does most things in Gemini) but if you were trying to conceive twins, this is s good a time as any to give it a shot.  Jupiter in Capricorn is getting a little bit interesting.  Right now as it’s slowing down, it is emphasizing the success in adaptability aspect of the sign.  Also possibly being a bit less of the intellect booster that it usually is.  Even more importantly, in a couple of weeks, we will see a day in which every major decision you make will be wrong.  More on that as we get closer.

The skies are looking better, but the cards say this is going to be a bad week to be a man.  There are five cards representing men/masculinity/phallus and they are all reversed.  Just to really drive the point home The Hierophant was drawn reversed next to The High Priestess.  (These are gender-flipped versions of each other, in earlier decks called “The Pope” and “The Popess.”) So avoid battles of the sexes if you’re a guy, force one if you’re a chick.

Taurus:  6 of Wands reversed – Apprehension, fear, treachery, disloyalty, indefinite delay.  This one seems to be coming to the top of the deck an awful lot lately.

Gemini:  4 of Cups reversed – Novelty, presage, new instruction, new relations

Cancer:  10 of Swords – Pain, affliction, tears, sadness, desolation

Leo:  The Hierophant reversed – Society, good understanding, concord, overkindness, weakness.

Virgo:  The High Priestess – Secrets, mystery, the future as yet unrevealed, silence, tenacity, mystery, wisdom, science.

Libra:  The Empress – Fruitfulness, action, initiative, length of days, the unknown, clandestine, difficulty, doubt, ignorance.

Scorpio:  Ace of Coins reversed – The evil side of wealth, bad intelligence.  Physical comforts that are to your disadvantage.

Sagittarius:  3 of Swords – Removal, absence, delay, division, rupture, dispersion

Capricorn:  The Star reversed –  Arrogance, haughtiness, impotence.

Aquarius:  Ace of Wands reversed – Fall, decadence, ruin, perdition, bastard child takes revenge.

Pisces:  Knight of Cups reversed -Trickery, artifice, subtlety, swindling, duplicity, fraud.

Aries:  Ace of Swords reversed – Pyrric victory, excess leading to disaster, conception, childbirth, augmentation, multiplicity.

 

About The Author

Not Adahn

Not Adahn

Despite all my rage, I am still just an impeccably dressed rat.

112 Comments

  1. PieInTheSky

    Cancer: 10 of Swords – Pain, affliction, tears, sadness, desolation – you take that back !

    • Sean

      ?

    • EvilSheldon

      More than usual, you mean?

  2. The Late P Brooks

    Sagittarius: 3 of Swords – Removal, absence, delay, division, rupture, dispersion

    Fuck that. The bars (sorta) open tomorrow.

  3. DEG

    The skies are looking better, but the cards say this is going to be a bad week to be a man.

    Shit.

    Society, good understanding, concord, overkindness, weakness.

    More shit?

  4. The Late P Brooks

    Wild west

    The CDC has offered general guidelines for workplace safety — encouraging workers to stay six feet away from each other, for example, and to wash their hands frequently.

    But the Trump administration, which is typically allergic to regulation, has resisted writing rules to make those recommendations enforceable.

    Why won’t the government make workplaces completely risk free?

    Because President Cartoon Villain won’t allow it.

    • Hyperion

      Remember the Bubble Boy from Seinfeld? We must all the the Bubble Boy now.

      It’s like these morons don’t even understand that at a lot of workplaces, it’s impossible for people to stay 6 ft away from everyone else.

      But we’re supposed to let unelected bureaucrats write law for us all now. I mean fuck this republic stuff already, we need some good old tyranny.

  5. Mojeaux

    Taurus: 6 of Wands reversed – Apprehension, fear, treachery, disloyalty, indefinite delay. This one seems to be coming to the top of the deck an awful lot lately.

    Because reasons, I’ll take that one, but uncertainty certainly begets apprehension and fear. I’ll pay that price.

  6. Hyperion

    “Capricorn: The Star reversed – Arrogance, haughtiness, impotence.”

    Someone needs some new material.

    #CapricornsRpeople2

    The resistance shall continue

    • Hyperion

      You want people to die, trumpet!

    • Incentives Matter

      Jesus wept, Sean. Is there any handgun you don’t own?

      • Sean

        Well…I don’t have any Hi-points.

    • EvilSheldon

      Probably should chamber one. Those steaks look like a high-value target. 😀

      • Tres Cool

        Is that wrench loaded ?

      • The Hyperbole

        No, but it has a thing that goes up.

      • Sean

        It’s the perfect trick for the lazy cook and the results are real.

        You got a license for that wrench?

    • Suthenboy

      Hey, those are some very good looking steaks.

      Wife tells me she has been dying for fried chicken from the local joint for over a week.
      Now I have to drag my hung-over ass over there.

    • DEG

      Nice.

      I see some counties in PA are opening up. Overdue and they all should open up.

  7. Yusef drives a Kia

    Virgo: The High Priestess – Secrets, mystery, the future as yet unrevealed, silence, tenacity, mystery, wisdom, science.
    IFLS!

  8. Mojeaux

    So 2-doors-down neighbor who is tearing up what he believes to be his back yard (it’s not; it’s a city park) has fired up his Cat.

    Yanno, I feel bad for the guy, because when the city finds out…

    But I am comforted by the sound of construction. It’s really bizarre how comforting that is.

    • westernsloper

      Is he putting up an outbuilding? Squatters rights is the new normal.

    • Tres Cool

      Narc him out, Karen

      • Mojeaux

        No, and I specifically told XY not to narc him out, either.

        Not my circus, not my monkeys. I’ll be surprised if the neighbors to my south don’t rat him out, though.

    • R C Dean

      It might be a neighborly Gesture to ask him if he’s sure where the property line with the park is. That’s all. If he thinks he know, it’s on him.

      • Mojeaux

        I don’t know the guy. I’m not doing it.

      • Hyperion

        I wouldn’t even do that, unless it was affecting my property.

        One time, one of my neighbors was tearing down an old shed on his property and he decided the place to dump it would be over the fence in the back, onto my property. I walked over there and talked to him, had never talked to him before, but I’d only been there a few weeks. He was really nice and apologized and then cleaned it up. I don’t think he knew I owed that, but he had to know someone who is not him owned it. But I never had any problems with him after that and he even helped me with stuff I was working on a couple times.

      • prolefeed

        I’m firmly in the Mind Yer Own Bidness camp re neighbors. The neighbors on both sides of our house came over yesterday to ask my advice on landscaping.

    • prolefeed

      We’ve got the sound of construction in our neighborhood all day, 6 days a week. I’ll be glad when the last house in the development is done in a couple more years.

      Enjoying the Sunday respite now.

  9. PieInTheSky

    so whats the deal with the murder hornets thing?

    • egould310

      You Should All Be Murdered https://youtu.be/5AkXC5m8ueA

      One of the jangliest of the ever jangly Sarah Records songs. Johnny Marr and Morissey are on the phone with their barrister, looking to sue someone.

    • R C Dean

      Another Chinese import.

      Although giant hornets with barbed stingers injecting neurotoxins are kind of a bad deal.

  10. Sean

    First day of shorts weather. Woohoo.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      every day is shorts day, and it’s only going up to 99 today, Cooling trend!

  11. Incentives Matter

    . . . avoid battles of the sexes if you’re a guy, force one if you’re a chick.

    And if you happen to live in the same household, may God have mercy on your souls.

  12. westernsloper

    Venus in Gemini has contradictory meanings (as does most things in Gemini)

    Hey asshole, not true! I mean, thanks for the reading NA.

    • Drake

      I’m married to one. She really loves and hates me.

  13. westernsloper

    Gemini: 4 of Cups reversed – Novelty, presage, new instruction, new relations

    New instruction is spot on. We are getting new and improved plague SOP’s tomorrow. Can’t wait.

  14. R C Dean

    “Society, good understanding, concord, overkindness, weakness.“

    Fuck that.

  15. Grumbletarian

    Scorpio: Ace of Coins reversed – The evil side of wealth, bad intelligence. Physical comforts that are to your disadvantage.

    So either the deal to sell my condo will fall through, or the house I’m about to move into will burn down around me.

    • Drake

      Why not both?

      • Grumbletarian

        You’re right, I should be more optimistic.

  16. Incentives Matter

    Yeah, it’s bagpipe music. No, it’s not like most bagpipe music you’ve ever heard:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wXKrrCaapI

    Rawlins Cross, O’Neil’s March / Haughs of Cromdale, ladies and gentlemen.

    • Grosspatzer

      What sorcery is this? Bagpipes playing actual music? Downloading as we speak.

    • Ted S.

      Amazingly, Youtube didn’t bring up a bagpipe arrangement of Massenet’s Meditation from Thaïs.

      • Grosspatzer

        Some joy in these trying times. Me likee.

  17. egould310

    The wife and I may take a road trip to Couer d’Alene or Moscow, ID to ride out the shutdown. This shit being extended through the end of May is frustrating and awful.

    • Spudalicious

      Couer d’Alene should be gorgeous right now.

      • Shirley Knott

        Is Couer d’Alene ever not gorgeous?

      • egould310

        Oh good, you’re here. Is Idaho open for business? Specifically, are bars/restaurants open for dine-in and drinking service?

    • Tundra

      Friends of ours have a restaurant in Seattle. Not a pleasant time for them.

      • egould310

        Well that was triggering. Time to strap on the ol’ Les Paul and start blazing some GBV. Thanks!

      • Tundra

        Crusty linked a terrific article about that album in the am lynx. Long, but a good red.

      • egould310

        Hanx!

      • egould310

        Speaking of “Hanx!”, I just went over to Spotify to maybe give Hanx! (Stiff Little Fingers live album) a download. And glory be, “Inflammable Material” and “Nobody’s Heroes” are finally available. They must have finally sorted out digital rights for those albums. Turning out to be a pretty decent day.

        What next; the Homestead/Giant/Dutch East Records catalog finally becomes available via digital distribution? A boy’s gotta’ dream.

    • Mojeaux

      OMG yes a thousand time yes yes yes.

      The only one I’ve come across that amuses me (which didn’t until someone giggled about it) (I didn’t write it) is “honest sweat.”

      “Honest sweat” is the kind a guy gets from chopping wood instead of lifting weights. Lifting weights is so de trop. It’s cheating, dammit! (I specifically wrote that a heroine noticed the hero’s gym and she thought “A body like that didn’t come out of nowhere, I guess” just to mess with the trope.)

      But yeah, smells are important.

      My husband used to use Irish Spring. He gave our son a bar of it and I put the nix on that real quick. “I don’t want my son smelling like the guy I’m fucking.”

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I use Axe, still, Wendy loved the way I smell,
        /Hate me, I still smell good

      • Mojeaux

        The way a guy smells is important to a woman.

      • C. Anacreon

        “Smells manly, yes, but I like it too.”

        /woman on old Irish Spring soap commercial

      • westernsloper

        “Honest sweat” is the kind a guy gets from chopping wood…….

        So swamp ass and wood chips. Got it. *works that into tinder profile*

      • Ted S.

        Joel McCrea, not Arnold Schwarzenegger.

      • Suthenboy

        Honest sweat….I do that occasionally.
        I dont do the cologne thing. The soap I use to shave is scented like sandalwood, does that count?

      • Mojeaux

        Oh my heavens yes it does.

      • Suthenboy

        My wife is a fanatic soap maker. She is remarkable, really. To hear the soap making crowd talk about the chemistry of it they sound like alchemists but by God you cant argue with the results. She really has made an art out of it.
        The shaving soap she made for me is heavy on clay and that makes a big difference. Cleanest, closest shave without any nicks.

  18. Spudalicious

    “Libra: The Empress – Fruitfulness, action, initiative, length of days, the unknown, clandestine, difficulty, doubt, ignorance.”

    So, astrological schizophrenia?

    • westernsloper

      It’s the best kind of schizophrenia. It’s science.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    Although giant hornets with barbed stingers injecting neurotoxins are kind of a bad deal.

    Is there no limit to the dastardly depredations of President Cartoon Villain? Even as he was in his lab brewing up the coronaplague, he was genetically engineering giant deadly hornets! What next, ravenous man-eating hippos with the speed of a gazelle?

    • egould310

      Flying spiders.

    • C. Anacreon

      Attack dogs that release killer bees from their mouths when they bark.

  20. hayeksplosives

    I don’t care for the tone of the Aries one. Trying to catch a break, here!

  21. Tundra

    Leo: The Hierophant reversed – Society, good understanding, concord, overkindness, weakness.

    Wasn’t the Reverse Heirophant what got the Catholic Church in trouble?

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Let’s see…. how about this for those sunny Sunday morning coffee and bagel runs?

    I particularly enjoyed this: “The car changed hands several times between 1944 and 1968, when it was purchased by an owner who reportedly drove it regularly for two decades.”

    I hate it when cars like this never get driven.

    • Tundra

      450 miles in 10 years is a travesty.

      Cool car, though.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    And, naturlich, the prissy douchebag brigade is out in force in the comment section for that Aston. Oh, horror! A 90 year old car with a not-stock motor.

    *withdraws offer*

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Bloody Puritans. I hope someday this country is run by people who are open minded and accepting. Maybe someone who is gay.

      • Hyperion

        If Buttgig would have just changed his name like I suggested…

    • hayeksplosives

      “You are literally putting everyone else in danger!11!1!!”

      Sure, toots.

      • C. Anacreon

        Another Thunderbolt from Lightfoot.

    • mikey

      At least her hair looks nice.

      • Hyperion

        GAH!

    • PieInTheSky

      send in the tankies as well

  24. The Late P Brooks

    Schwing!

    Schwing, indeed. Those first-generation Quattros are awesome.

    • Hyperion

      All surgeries are equal, but some…

  25. whiz

    I don’t know if this was posted before, but…

    <here it is.

    The best line: Presidential elections are when the American public chooses between a Republican and a Democrat for president. If they choose the wrong one, it could cause the complete destruction of all they hold dear. Luckily, they’ve always chosen the right one each election, and the country has continued to exist.

    • hayeksplosives

      Lol. Too true.

      I wish Amash had some wiser advisors; he could have broad appeal as a candidate before he showed his thin skin.

      One of the things that struck me about this book on presidential insults I’m reading is how often there was a third party candidate or at least truly contested major party conventions.

      Strict 2 party system has only been the norm for 100 years.

      • PieInTheSky

        Strict 2 party system has only been the norm for 100 years. – well 100 years was quite enough to fuck so many things up

    • Hyperion

      Libertarians were never taken very seriously. Then when the libertarian moment was finally about to happen, we got Gayjay/Weld and dancing naked fat guys.

      Now Amash has decided to finally finish off our decline into complete irrelevance.

  26. Yusef drives a Kia

    A bunch of bikers at the park, and what just showed up? The Vagos, I think I’ll be leaving shortly

    • C. Anacreon

      The tenth cranial nerve does sound scary.

      • egould310

        Nerd.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I figured you knew, 310

  27. PieInTheSky

    There is ZERO rigor with Ioannidis. ZERO probabilistic reasoning & risk management rigor. He doesn’t even known what an exponential means.
    ZERO.

    https://twitter.com/nntaleb/status/1256970494336737281

    Yet another sworn enemy for mr N.N.T

  28. hayeksplosives

    https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcsandiego.com/news/local/whats-reopening-in-san-diego-county-amid-coronavirus-pandemic/2317204/%3famp

    The most important part was buried as bullet three but Is very telling:

    The Public Health Order, set to expire on April 30, was extended indefinitely. County officials must now wait until the state lifts its restrictions before the county can lift their own

    .

    This is in response to county and cities ignoring the stay-at-home “orders.” Newsom couldn’t take it, so he rolled out bullet 3 there as a naked, and permanent, power grab against smaller units of government.

  29. The Late P Brooks

    Newsom couldn’t take it, so he rolled out bullet 3 there as a naked, and permanent, power grab against smaller units of government.

    I’m sure the Atlantic has an article in the pipeline protesting Trump’s latest authoritarian power grab, whatever it might be.