The Hat and The Hair Expanded Universe: Building a Better Biden

by | May 20, 2020 | Hat and Hair, Joemala, SugarFree | 266 comments

 

“We must do it and do it soon!” Hillary slammed her fist on the table, causing pencils, pens, phones and IT gnomes to jump.

“We must build a working Joe Biden!” She stood, straightened her pants suit, and glared at the best minds the remnants of her 2016 campaign could offer. Wet brains and suck-ups, she thought. Deformed Bryn Mawr graduates and Columbia School of Journalism student loan slaves.

“GO!” she roared and laughed to herself as they scattered.

She caught Huma’s eyes and begged for affirmation. Huma grimaced and went back to the book she was reading.

1.0

“What’s with the blurry?” Hilary barked

“Ms. Clinton, this is Alejandro, can you hear me?”

“Ms. Clinton?” Hillary asked archly.

“Secretary of State Clinton…” Alejandro began.

“President Clinton,” Hillary said.

“Madam President,” Alejandro tried again.

“Real,” Hillary said. “Real President Hillary Clinton.”

“Hillary,” Huma rumbled.

“Get on with it!” Hillary yelled. “Why is it blurry?”

“The program is still compiling, Madam Real President.”

“I can’t make out his face at all,” Hillary said.

1.1

“I like the slogan,” Hillary said. “It will do well in Florida and the other semi-literate states. But the face isn’t quite there yet.”

“One moment please,” Alejandro said.

1.3

“There he is, there’s the Joe that’s touched so many,” Hillary said.

“He smelled my hair just a few months ago,” Huma said, shivering.

“He hasn’t smelled my hair since I was First Lady,” Hillary said wistfully. “I had Stephanopoulos bite him right on his wandering hand.”

“Oh, Hillary!” Huma said pointing at the page she had been reading.

“Now, let’s try out some facial expressions and some different backgrounds. Make him smile,” Hillary said.

2.0

“Oh, my Dark Gods!” Hillary screamed. “What the fuck is that? Smile, I said. Smile! Not drunk mug shot!”

2.1

“Gah! That’s worse somehow! No! No!”

2.2

“That’s only half-a-smile!” Hillary said. “He looks like he’s had a massive stroke! He can’t look like that until after the election!”

2.3

“Finally!” Hillary said. “Open, warm, inviting. Perfect. Just like my smile.”

With a deep creaking sound, the corners of Hillary’s mouth moved slowly upward, forcing her cheek implants to rise to the surface, and, grunting, she opened her lips to show her teeth.

“Show me stern!” she said after letting her face slide back into place. “I want ‘Steady Leader of the Free World.'”

3.0

“That’s a pirate!” Hillary said. “But save that one. We might need it.”

3.1

“Close. Serious, that’s good, but where’s the fire! The passion?”

3.2

“No! You’ve gone back to pirate! Or maybe Christopher Columbus.”

“Hold on, Ms. Real Secretary President,” Alejandro muttered.

Hillary wandered over to where Huma was sitting. She reached out to tuck Huma’s hair behind her ear and closed her hand when her lover pulled away.

“It’s just a novel, Huma,” Hillary said. “None of it is real.”

“It certainly sounds real,” Huma spat. “The car? Your addiction to creampies? It makes me sick.”

“Then stop reading it.”

Huma glowered at her and went back to the book.

3.3

“Stern, forthright, upstanding, in no way rapey. It’s perfect,” Hillary said. “On more though, this time with more fire!”

3.4

“Nope. Nope. Nope. He looks like a howler monkey,” Hillary said.

“Mussolini,” Huma said.

“Joe wishes he could pull off Mussolini,” Hillary said. She went to kiss Huma and she pulled away again.

“It’s just a stupid book!” Hillary screeched.

“Are you ashamed of me?” Huma asked quietly. “Are you ashamed to let people know we are together?”

“What?” Hillary asked, drawing back.

“Bill is a monster,” Huma said, jabbing a finger into her preview copy of Rodham. “Why won’t you leave him?”

“I need him for now,” Hillary said.

Huma threw the book down and ran from the room.

4.0

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

266 Comments

  1. The Hyperbole

    Good lord man gives us a moment to catch our breath.

    • Fatty Bolger

      No! Would mean less SugarFree! Want More SugarFree! More! More! MORE!!!!

      • Tonio

        [hits Fatty with thorazine injector]

      • Count Potato

        *rushes up to add the valium and benadryl*

  2. Tonio

    AM links, H&H, PM links, H&H expanded universe, and all in one day.

    “Where is there a God to forbid such things?”

    • Mojeaux

      What’s gonna happen at 7:00 p.m.? I’m skeert.

      • Incentives Matter

        You’re skeert? My buttcheeks are clenched so tight you could open a Pepsi on ’em.

    • The Hyperbole

      If CPRM wasn’t such a slacker we’d could have had a cartoon as well.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Just watch a random Subaru comercial and then hug a loved one needily.

      • l0b0t

        His The Hat and The Hair live readings on the Zoomy thing make up for it.

    • Lady Z

      I smell a conspiracy.

  3. Sean

    *fails sanity check*

    • BakedPenguin

      Be fair, that’s at least half of us on any given day.

      Now get these psychic spiders out of my apartment!

  4. Mad Scientist

    Glorious!

    • mexican sharpshooter

      It is quite the feat,

  5. Mad Scientist

    Photos of politicians are more nauseous than (almost) anything SugarFree can dream up.

    • BakedPenguin

      Don’t challenge him. Just don’t.

    • mikey

      If stores were like movie stars Pier One would be “I didn’t know he was still alive.”

    • Incentives Matter

      That particular announcement doesn’t surprise me. Pier One’s been on oxygen for quite awhile.

  6. Count Potato

    ““Oh, Hillary!” Huma said pointing at the page she had been reading.”

    I wonder…

  7. Shirley Knott

    3.0 looks like Jeff Dunham’s Walter.

    • juris imprudent

      We have a neighbor we refer to as Walter – has the same sour face, all the time. Come to think of it, Walter may have a greater range of expression.

  8. Incentives Matter

    Good Lord, SF!

    You’re some kinda postin’ MACHINE!

  9. Count Potato

    It’s like deja vu all over again.

  10. Q Continuum

    This is the best.

  11. Gustave Lytton

    Which “him” is referred to at the end? Bill or Biden?

    • Sean

      I assumed Bill.

    • SugarFree

      Bill. I made it more clear.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I liked the ambiguity. Could have been she was referring to Biden and not replacing him so far. And hinting that Loading would give him the full Seth Rich/Vince Foster/Ron Brown experience.

      • Bobarian LMD

        It could have been Huma’s Weiner, too.

        Speaking of ambiguous hims.

      • Tejicano

        No, I think Huma’s wiener makes an appearance later in the evening.

  12. BakedPenguin

    I get why people dislike/rabidly hate Trump, but are they fucking serious about putting Woody Wilson Part Deux on the throne? Is there some deeper game going on here?

    • juris imprudent

      They expect a shorter term than Harrison?

      • BakedPenguin

        I hate to say this, but it would be funny if Joltin’ Joe got COVID at his inaugural address .

      • Nephilium

        Somewhat related, I now know of a COVID fatality. The girlfriend’s [deceased] grandfather’s cousin died of it. Over 90 years old, I may have met them at one of several funerals.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Where you gave him the ‘rona?

      • Gdragon

        That’s how I read it too. Someone will be by shortly to ask about attendance at these “several funerals” because really it just sounds like anarchy.

    • LJW

      They’ve had 4 years to find someone and that’s the best they could come up with. I’m convinced this world is a simulation and they moved the sanity sliders to full blown schizo.

      • BakedPenguin

        I still think they’ve got to have an all-out search for a ‘VP’ candidate right now. Because what juris said above. I mean, they’re not completely stupid. Not completely.

      • cyto

        My sentiments exactly. There has not been a single thing that makes a lick of sense in the last 20 years. It just keeps getting more insane. The republicans picking Trump was nuts. (The dems picking Hillary, while not equally off the wall, was also nuts). Trump winning was nuts. Obama administration folks actually openly plotting the overthrow of Trump was nuts. The press hopping on board and being willing participants in that was nuts.

        All of it. Nuts.

        Then they nominate a clearly senile Biden? I get that nobody wanted to nominate a crazy socialist/communist. But there were actually some sane left-wing choices. Tulsi was actually palatable. There were a couple of others who had a fighting chance. Heck, if you were gonna go Biden, you could have put Kamala Harris up there.

        Biden wanted you to put on the record player for your children at night.

        The only possible excuse is that they are hoping for a Veep choice that they all prefer and can take over a couple of months after the inauguration. That seems an odd gambit to be taking.

    • one true athena

      He’s so corrupt he’s controllable, plus he’s the last man standing who gets Saint Obama Nostalgia. The plan was probably originally going to cast someone who checks some intersectionality boxes for his VP, but they know as well as we do that they can’t put someone unimaginable as Prez as VP. In other words, Stacey Abrams probably had a shot before Biden’s mental decline became a meme, and since I doubt any Democrats want her as president, she’s done. It’ll be someone “safe” like Klobuchar or Whitmer who they hope can deliver a swing state.

      • BakedPenguin

        …before Biden’s mental decline became a meme…

        A tad late for that.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I’m going with Susan Rice: Black but not too black, woman, and corrupt as hell but who cares about that anymore?

      • cyto

        And already a proven team player. The machine should love her.

      • Winston

        He’s so corrupt he’s controllable

        So does that make him a libertarian?

      • Bobarian LMD

        No, but he could win the LP candidacy.

      • one true athena

        No, it makes him Not Trump. Which is all they want.

  13. Sean

    I can’t tell where 4.0’s hand is at.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Hillary is getting ready to break two of his fingers,

      That’s why the smile is genuine.

  14. Ted S.

    First!

  15. commodious spittoon

    “I need him for now,” Hillary said.

    They’ve already dumped #MeToo, maybe it’s time to rehabilitate Bill. And by rehabilitate, I mean just ignore his accusers like they’ve been doing.

    • one true athena

      #MoveOn

      • cyto

        Works on many levels. I like it!

  16. Florida Man

    So I think some of these are photoshopped…please tell me some of these are photoshopped…please.

    • Gustave Lytton

      They’re photoshopped.

      *pats Florida Man on head*

      • Florida Man

        Thank god!
        *unsuccessfully tries to plunge straw into juice box*

    • SugarFree

      Only the first three.

      • Florida Man

        Mein gott should be here, but really works anywhere in a SF post.

    • Chafed

      No it doesn’t.

  17. Florida Man

    After some research, after a hat trick comes a “haul”. We now have a haul of SugarFree.

  18. westernsloper

    *Scans the days posts* WTF? 4 SF in a row? Dammit, I knew I should have faked Covid today. And what pray tell is this book Huma is reading?

    • SugarFree

      See the morning links.

      • Florida Man

        MEIN GOTT!

      • westernsloper

        That made me sicker than anything you ever wrote. Or did you write Rodham? Do you have multiple pen names?

  19. westernsloper

    Is 3.3 right after he said, “Look Fat” and then carried on with whatever Hyperbole tosses out here?

  20. leon

    Perfect. Absolutely fantastic.

    I do like that slogan tho.

  21. DEG

    “Joe wishes he could pull off Mussolini,”

    Phrasing.

    • Sean

      *snicker*

  22. The Bearded Hobbit

    Perfect ending to a perfect day.

    (curls back into fetal position, thumb in mouth)

    • Gustave Lytton

      Florida Man has juice boxes above.

    • Tejicano

      Like one of those truck stop trough urinals.

    • cyto

      This is important. CNN has been banging away at “Cuomo is the ultimate hero of the crisis” for the last couple of months as he literally got people killed, all while holding up DiSantis as the second coming of Trump and a mass murderer.

      Most of the infections in Florida can actually be traced to a mass influx of New Yorkers with second homes down here. Florida was doing contact tracing and isolating potentially infected folks… until a couple of thousand infected folks flew south to sit out the Covid epidemic. Cases went from a couple hundred to a few thousand as flights from New York were booked solid for two weeks (during a “shelter in place”) order. Did the press point that out? No, they complained that DiSantis went to Trump to try to get an internal travel ban against New Yorkers coming to Florida. They also decried northeastern states who wanted to protect themselves from New York citizens who seemed to view spreading the virus as a civic duty.

  23. Nephilium

    So, Biden is Max Headroom revisited?

  24. Tundra

    Perfection. Tied the whole day together with a stained bow.

    Thanks, SF!

    • SugarFree

      Thank you.

  25. Nephilium

    Unrelated, but topical for this group. CA webcomic does a comic featuring a brewery pivoting to torches and pitchforks.

  26. mikey

    This is truly a wonderous place.

    I think that’s a compliment.

  27. Winston

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6a3dggHrtiQ

    Anyone for an hour-long tirade about the Rise of Skywalker?

    I find it interesting how at the end he reveals he really likes Southland Tales. Isn’t that a weird arty quirky movie with heavy handed political messages? Ironic.

    And do people now love Alien 3? The film was very much the Last Jedi of its day complete with David Fincher “subverting expectations”.

    • Gustave Lytton

      There were further sequels after Aliens?

      • Nephilium

        No. There were not.

      • hayeksplosives

        ^——This right here.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        I hate to tell ya, but James “Nuke it from orbit” Cameron praised A3, and said he would have gone in another direction (from Aliens), himself, if he had made the film.

        Different franchise/fictional universe? It’s not a bad film, per se. But, as an Alien/xenomorph movie? Nah.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I liked it because it was an entirely different movie, just like Alien and Aliens

    • one true athena

      I could give you my own hour long tirade against Ep IX. So no, I have no need to watch someone else’s. It’s a bad film, and a worse Star Wars film. Last Jedi is flawed, but anyone who says it’s worse than Rise is simply too enamored of the nostalgia barf JJ served up to see what garbage it actually is.

      Alien 3 has two things going for it: One, it was recut and many people profess to like the recut esp if they don’t care about what happens to Newt or Hicks, and two, it’s still a more interesting film both in story and direction than Resurrection and the rest of the Alien films which followed it, so there’s a bit of “the previous GOP president wasn’t the horrible evil scum we have now!” going on.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        At least JJ tried to please his audience, and seems to have some sort of respect for Lucas’ property. TLJ is an a visual self-fart huffing from someone who thinks he’s better than the proles filling the seats. Or, at least, thinks he’s better than the original story-teller(s).

        That they were both shit isn’t in question. It’s really, “Who’s the bigger asshole in that hot dish?”, and one of two really seems to rise to the occasion.

      • Nephilium

        As someone born in 1977, TLJ is what finally made me tap out of Star Wars. I’ve heard from trusted friends that the Mandalorian and Clone Wars is good. TLJ was bad enough, that I don’t care anymore. That makes it worse than X-Men 3, Amazing Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 3, Nightmare on Elm Street (every one after 3 and Nightmare on Elm Street 2), Friday the 13th (every one after 4), and Hellraiser (everything after 3).

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Mandalorain is kick-ass, and kinda shows just who should be in charge at Lucasfilm. Or, at least, have much more authority.

      • cyto

        And what makes it so much better is that it is small. No need for 500 star destroyers in a dogfight. No horses on spaceships. Just a throwback to old TV westerns….. in Star Wars.

      • CPRM

        I’ve heard from trusted friends that the Mandalorian and Clone Wars is good.

        Mandalorian was better than the new movies, it’s at least entertaining in some fashion. Clone Wars I could never get past that shitty CGI animation, gave me a headache, and also it aired and streams completely out of order chronologically. I noped out on the new films during the opening scene of VII, only watched anything after out of morbid curiosity.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        People love that CGI, for some reason. I can’t get into it much, beyond an episode or two, due to seeing what were actual humans rendered into Lucasfilm animation. And, oddly enough, they’ve noticeably improved the animation since the first seasons. I could handle Rebels, to a certain extent, since most characters in it were animation first.

      • cyto

        I agree…. cheap wood puppet characters didn’t work for me either.

        And the weird “homage to aeon flux” storytelling style of out-of-order vignettes didn’t float my boat either.

      • Winston

        there’s a bit of “the previous GOP president wasn’t the horrible evil scum we have now!” going on.

        Well there are people out there that now like the prequels and Zack Snyder movies so you never know…

      • CPRM

        The prequels have some merit. I could see a way to fix them in edit, where as there is nothing of value in the Disney Wars. Also, in that article I touch on Zach Snyder and DC; again as an editor I could see things to salvage, except for Shazam the rest of the DCU has been shit on a platter.

      • cyto

        I bet you like sand too… even though it is rough and scratchy.

  28. DEG

    Michigan Conservative Coalition has a page up for donations to pay for fines and legal fees for stylists and barbers ticketed during Operation Haircut.

  29. straffinrun

    As always I start by thinking, “OK, I just read a few lines” and then finish the whole thing. Now I feel same guilt that comes after polishing off 2 liters of Orange Fanta.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Grape gives no regrets.

      • straffinrun

        *Burrrrp”

    • Bobarian LMD

      Now I feel same guilt that comes after polishing…

      I was expecting that sentence to end a lot differently.

      Unless it was a euphemism.

      • straffinrun

        Orange Fanta is my teenage twink’s nickname.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        twink“???

        You mean, they were…..OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!

      • LJW

        If yours is nicknamed orange fanta you’re either an Oompa Loompa, the president, or need to see a doctor

      • Bobarian LMD

        You could like Cheetos.

    • BakedPenguin

      Don’t forget the massive need to pee. The kind of pee where you thank Jeebus afterward.

  30. Winston

    Speaking of old movies one interesting that home video, tv, streaming, etc. has done to us is that old stuff is considered to be good and nostalgia bait is profitable. Until VHS and TV came along there was a tendency for people to dismiss movies made over five years ago as hopelessly dated antiques. And no “over five years ago” is not really an exaggeration.

    • hayeksplosives

      Same is generally true of fashion. Just went out of style is Too recent. But wait long enough and there’s nostalgia, quaintness, and homages to people you wouldn’t give the time of day to a few years ago.

  31. Lackadaisical

    this is great, kudos SF.

  32. straffinrun

    Virtue signaling vs Hunger, who will win?

    https://twitter.com/nytopinion/status/1263283721521762308

    New York Times Opinion
    @nytopinion
    “Is going out to eat helping my local economy or putting myself and service workers at unnecessary risk?”
    @cwarzel
    on the many questions raised by Montana’s recent reopening.

    • creech

      To paraphrase Saint Ayn: “If you vish to cower at home, you vill not be stopped.”

    • mikey

      3 active hospitalizations today and 22 active cases.
      Obviously MT in no place for this guy.

    • Nephilium

      It’s putting me at risk… as I keep gaining weight during the lockdown. I’m looking to start shifting back into a Glibfit mindset back on Tuesday.

      • Chafed

        This guy gets it.

  33. creech

    “What’s gonna happen at 7:00 p.m.? I’m skeert.”
    Trump succumbs from taking hydroxycholorquine. By morning, media recognizes that Pence is literally Hitler. What nickname can we come up with for Pence to signify he is the anti-Christ?

  34. Bobarian LMD

    He looks like a howler monkey

    False! That is clearly the Joe Biden Love Doll.

    With life-like hair and kung-fu grip!

    Anatomically correct.

  35. hayeksplosives

    SF may be sugar free but he’s long on LSD…

    • straffinrun

      You gotta love how your Telsa remade it’s own image. I’d love it if Kim Jong Un acquired Honda. My Fit would become instantly badass.

    • BakedPenguin

      It’s a pretty weak acid – regarding pH levels.

      • Nephilium

        So that guy I put into a barrel of LSD isn’t going to dissolve?

      • DEG

        No, but he’ll have a long strange trip.

      • Winston

        That’s pretty baseless

    • DEG

      Fuck.

      • Nephilium

        On the bright side, Three Floyds is still keeping up their production (as is Mikkeller’s). On the bright side, there’s a chance that Ohio may be able to keep the carryout/delivery of alcoholic drinks permanently.

      • Nephilium

        And on the bright side, I see that I repeated myself a bit.

      • DEG

        We could use a little more bright side.

      • Rhywun

        OK

      • Nephilium

        I was expecting this Bright Side from you.

      • Rhywun

        Ashamedly, I haven’t seen (all of) that movie.

      • Nephilium

        Rhywun:

        I am disappoint.

        It’s my favorite of all of the Python films.

  36. Tejicano

    Thanks for the weird trip, SF. I like to think how Herself would react should she stumble upon this tale – hopefully a sustained spike in blood pressure? Maybe a handful of micro-aneurisms ?

    • dbleagle

      I think we would all be dead from Clintoncide by the time the Sun rose.

  37. straffinrun

    Watched Bruce Willis Death Wish last night. That was horrible.

    • Tejicano

      You’re just into self-abuse, aren’t you…

      • straffinrun

        Bad Bruce makes appearances from time to time. Normally he’s pretty good.

    • Chafed

      I didn’t even know it existed.

      • straffinrun

        It shouldn’t. Bruce did the evil that men do.

  38. Ownbestenemy

    PC power supply went out today…almost impossible to replace conveniently. All major brands sold out in the wattage I want/need.

    • Nephilium

      What wattage do you need? I may have a spare sitting in the basement or closet.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Found a local place. 800w 65 bucks. Probably will crap out in a year but it will do.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Just what you see here, pal!

      • Chafed

        *loads shotgun*

  39. Chafed

    Kudos on a killer day SF.

  40. Mojeaux

    Introduced Mr. Mojeaux to Boardwalk Empire. He’s eating it up. Me, it’s my second time through.

    I did not appreciate Rothstein as much as I should have the first time through. Master acting.

    • slumbrew

      Starts stronger than it finishes. But I suspect you know that.

      • Mojeaux

        Yup. Never did season 5 which I heard was rushed and stupid.

    • Incentives Matter

      You need to understand that vanishing points are always singular, my man. You’ve got two of them in your sketch.

      • straffinrun

        Why always singular? The guy I’m following does two, sometimes three.

      • Incentives Matter

        Are you trying to replicate human vision, or synthetic vision? If human, one point. Synthetic vision (involves technology or imagining the non-existent) can support infinite points.

      • straffinrun

        I’m trying not to be as crappy at drawing as I was for the first 50 years of my life. *Googles synthetic vision*

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Maybe it’s Old Ones-based. Like, a four-cornered room, with five corners.

        Non-Euclidean, and all that.

      • Rhywun

        It does kind of make my brain hurt.

    • Mojeaux

      You’re getting better.

    • Nephilium

      Much better then anything I could do.

  41. Nephilium

    Sweet zombie Cheebus. I may have found the worst advise article ever. Telling home bakers to shop at a commercial supply shop that sells yeast in 20 pound packs (as a reference, expect to use less then 1/2 ounce per 5 gallon batch of beer, and even less for bread) is a terrible idea.

    • PieInTheSky

      that is a stupid add irrespective

    • Tejicano

      Definitely a “what the Hell were they thinking?” moment.

    • Plinker762

      I did not see the the issue with that ad.

      • Tejicano

        In a rational time there would be no problem. These are far from rational times.

        Not stating my preference, just the realities of the market,

      • Plinker762

        Maybe I should have written not-see

    • CPRM

      What is ‘the N-word in German’? How can I make a judgement if they don’t tell me? Also google translate says ‘Petit Colon’ means little colon, like small intestine I guess? Also also, I guess paper football is the official sport of white supremacists.

      • CPRM

        Google translate, this surprises me, didn’t tell me I was racist and it wouldn’t translate ‘the N-word in German’, and according to that rigorous research it’s the same exact word.

      • CPRM

        Which, if that is true, the fading text does not spell.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Well, congrats on being on whatever lists you weren’t already on, raycis…

      • Rhywun

        Guessing “Neger” which means “Negro” but is not “spelled by the jumbled letters in the video” unless you’re crosseyed and looking to see what you want to see anyway.

        I can see it not flying in hyper-PC US but I guess they’ve reached our level of stoopid too.

      • Plinker762

        We all know which N-word is not supposed to be said in Germany.

      • slumbrew

        Niflheim?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Nacbeth?

      • Plinker762

        I guessed it before I clicked.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Leute, die dich nerven

      • Bobarian LMD

        Translation — People who annoy you.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        HA!

    • CPRM

      Are those candy cigs?

      • straffinrun

        Yes.

      • CPRM

        They have Big League Chew?

      • straffinrun

        Chewing tobacco is not allowed to be sold here. Weird.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Do they allow smoking gum?

        /i got nuthin’

    • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

      Brav-f’ing-O!

  42. CPRM

    I spent way too much time today focusing on getting Fallout 4 to work with all my mods on the new PC. I still have to make sure all my files are in place and re-directed so I can cut the next TV show this weekend, I guess that will be my focus tomorrow.

    • CPRM

      Gah! incomplete migration of my files to the new PC! I have a photoshop from my Cracked days of RoboCup (wherein the cup is only part of RoboCop on a dude) but it hasn’t been transferred over yet!

    • cyto

      Funny that they are going to latch on to crazy lady ramming police cars with her vehicle as proof of a corrupt murder-police running wild.

      You might be able to argue one way or another on “justified shooting” in that case, but I can tell you for certain that police shooting someone who is driving their vehicle like that is never, ever going to be found to be a “bad shoot”. They’ll OK shooting someone driving away if a cop happens to run anywhere close to being in the path of the car. This one is a non-starter. I don’t care if one of the cops turned out to be crazy later.

      This is why we can’t have nice things. We have several completely unjustifiable police shootings every year – at least one a month – and they always try to run with the ones that are not clear cut but are useful to the narrative.

  43. Akira

    OT: From 2006 to 2019 (13 years, roughly 156 months) I never went to the dentist. When I finally did go, they only discovered one cavity. That’s an average of 0.006 cavities per month. However, at my scheduled checkup six months later, they found two cavities. The rate had increased to 0.33 cavities per month.

    Conclusion: Going to the dentist will cause you to have 5,400% more cavities than you otherwise would.

    Science™!

    • salted earth

      I’m going to the dentist tomorrow! And I didn’t even have to cry to get an appointment.

    • salted earth

      Seems possible but, we’ll need to check The Hyperbole’s board to be sure.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        What was done there was seen.

    • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder
      • CPRM

        I’d like to think none of Rip Torn’s lines were written for that movie, they just got him drunk and pushed him on set.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Well, it’s within the realm of probability,

      • Festus

        Tom Green got to boink Drew Barrymore at least once. I can’t be too ashamed of the little shaver.

      • CPRM

        Peanut butter Cap’N’Crunch or GTFO!

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        I like PB enough to eat it for lunch every day. CnC PB is too much for me.

      • CPRM

        I’m the opposite. I always have PB on hand, but rarely actually use it, but if I gots me some PB Cap’N’Crunch and milk, that shit is going in ma gut as fast it can.

      • salted earth

        the Cap’N is a dangerous fella, he will shred the roof of your mouth

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        I have never experienced this, and I have no idea where/how it began as a common experience.

        Does no one let their cereal sit for just a bit, to absorb a bit of milk?

      • salted earth

        Cap’N’Crunch gets too soggy too fast. Then the texture is gross. I’ll eat cereal dry, so that might be the problem.

      • LCDR_Fish

        IIRC- Stephenson got at least 2 pages in Cryptonomicon on this topic…

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder
      • salted earth

        interesting

    • Tejicano

      I guess I have to register on that site to see what you linked to.

      • Digby something something Unclothed Intruder

        Dang-never occurred to me that it would be a “thing” for discord.

      • PieInTheSky

        the site name has the word funny in it but the link does not contain things of that property

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        *labored breathing, furrows brow, autistic hand waving*

        ACKCHUALLY pizza did not exist in 16th Century England so the premise of this joke does not even work!

        *pushes glasses up nose, and demands mother leave tater tots and 7-up by the door so he doesn’t have to hide the 4 browser windows of Japanese cartoon porn on the third monitor*

      • Festus

        Your Mom needs to buy you a fidget spinner or even better – https://youtu.be/mWFwzDJaeKw Had that as a kid, soon grew tired of it. Probably died in a tragic lighter fluid accident.

  44. Festus

    Whelp. It’s official. My toddler-hood is officially established. Nobody cooked so I am dining on chicken fingers and frozen fries this morning. With leftover Bernaise sauce from Tuesday so that makes it extra classy!

  45. UnCivilServant

    Morning glibs.

    I need a vacation.

    That is all.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Then take a few days off, hit the beach, and go to a few bars…maybe take in a concert.

      • UnCivilServant

        Those sound like terribly stressful activities.

      • Festus

        Dude, you need some bird-feeder gloves.

    • Festus

      #metoo but I don’t take them, just the pay-out. The Postal Service is overwhelmed by people getting “free munnies” last week. Our plant has gone to Xmas hours in May. Around the clock shifts and staggered breaks. I just wave the broom because I can’t do my job. Fuck it. I went home at midnight.

    • PieInTheSky

      typical government worker.

      • Festus

        I don’t work FOR them, I work AT them. That’s why they never invite me to any of the cool parties! *runs up the stairs, slams door and cranks The Sex Pistols*

    • Gender Traitor

      Morning, gentlemen.

      I need better weather for my current vacation. It’s been gray and chilly, and a couple of days ago we spent the better part of the day running the Shop-Vac to suck up the puddles that seep into our basement after multiple days of torrential rain.

      • Festus

        Better down than up. Mornin’ GT! Roof leakage is the Devil.

      • Festus

        Substrate is his cackling minion.

      • Gender Traitor

        Our street slopes downhill slightly, and our lots are terraced. If it rains long enough (or before the ground has thawed in the spring) water tends to collect at the bottom of the slope on the uphill side of our lot. It then runs all the way under our two-car garage and seeps onto the basement floor from behind some pretty nice built-in closets. We put in a trench drain some years back, which has helped a lot, but addressing the rest of the problem would require ripping out those closets. It doesn’t seem worth it for something that only happens once or twice per year.

      • Festus

        We’re on a slope too. Every property owner blames the one just upstream. Downstream neighbor was pretty tight-assed about the situation. Should have just rented.

      • UnCivilServant

        I miss being able to enjoy the sound of rain without having to worry about the house.

      • Festus

        I miss being a wistful thirteen year-old girl too.

      • Festus

        I was hoping SOMEONE would notice…

      • UnCivilServant

        I was ignoring you, because otherwise, I would say something severely unkind.

      • Festus

        “Oh hurt me, hurt me! Gag me with a spoon…”

      • Gender Traitor

        I have been known to go out on our back porch and sit on my (wooden with a cotton mattress) futon during evening thunderstorms. The porch does have a metal roof, but I think it’s aluminum, so that’s not too dangerous, right? /crappy public school science education

      • Ownbestenemy

        T-storms are so awesome to sit and listen to

    • Ownbestenemy

      Took yestersay off…was supposed to float down a river but life got in the way.

      • Festus

        I’m starting to think about restarting my boat project. It’s about fifth in line but may get bumped up a place or two.

    • Sean

      I dunno, but traffic was crazy heavy this morning. /sadpanda

      • Festus

        Nearly rear-ended some cunte on the highway tonight. People have lost their fucking minds out there. Merge lane means merge with the traffic flow and not just follow the lines and signs. If I’d mashed him it would be seen as my fault.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Wifey and I noticed that too yesterday when out and about…more idiotic than normal Vegas drivers.

        People here like to go from the lefthand turn lane and make a right or vice-versa. I blame GPS and reliance upon it.

    • Festus

      When it’s good and ready! Go to your room!

      • UnCivilServant

        You’re lucky, apprently the site decided my flipping you off was spam.

      • Festus

        It’s the thought that counts!

  46. Sean

    I’m getting a four day weekend. YAY!

    This work week has been so weird. Taking people’s temps, wearing face masks, etc.

    The interesting thing has been that people seem quite happy to be back to work.

  47. cyto

    On the Covid front, our superintendent of schools finally said the first sane thing he’s uttered in more than a month. They had been discussing doing a hybrid opening this fall – Open 4 days a week, half the kids go monday and thursday, half go tuesday and friday. Wednesdays closed to clean the school down.

    So…. none of the benefit of having school open, and all of the costs of having it closed?

    Anyway, yesterday he said they would be adjusting to the situation as it comes…. which is the only sane answer. If you have a hotspot outbreak, you handle that. But you can’t just shut down the world because a bad-but-not-apocalyptic virus comes along.

    As a reminder, this was the US dealing with Polio.

    Pre vaccines, every year looked like the worst of covid 19.

    • Festus

      I’m of a mind that everyone born post 1900 is acting like a spoiled fucking brat.

    • UnCivilServant

      Would we recognize his work?

    • Rhywun

      What if more people have been infected with the virus in their homes than outside them?

      That’s my guess.

    • PieInTheSky

      Or a racists past. Him or his second cousin twice removed.

      • Festus

        He’s no hero of mine but shooting people into space is some mean, green dancing machine.

      • cyto

        I think you are onto something. Maybe their next invention will be that it was racist not to sexually harass someone.

        The SJW catch-22