Newman’s Own to Change Name, Logo to Huey Newton

by | Jun 29, 2020 | Satire | 382 comments

SAN FRANCISCO – The change was announced yesterday on the company’s Twitter account. Originally named for its founder and Hollywood star Paul Newman, the company has faced increasing pressure from all directions to be better. According to marketing expert Joanna Gambolputty “this is just one small step in the direction of a more just society. Whenever a salad is eaten, it will be a reminder of the work to be done. Uhuru!” The new logo will include the grim-faced Black Panthers founder in his iconic black beret and a sawed-off shotgun in his hands. New flavors will include Muthafuckin’ Ranch, Jive Ass Honkey Vinagrette, and Straight Outta Compton Balsamic. There will also be a hemp-flavored variety called The Chronic. Salad dressings aren’t the only foods making a switch. Tyson’s Chicken announced that it will now be known as Mike Tyson, and pictures of golden brown nuggets and strips will be replaced with a portrait of the famed boxer along with a speech bubble that says “Everyone got a plan ’til they get punched in the mouth.” Fast Food companies are getting in on the action too. KFC will be replacing Colonel Sanders on its logo with Cornel West and donating a share of its profits to fund “as many Madea movies as Tyler Perry wants to make”. However, others have criticized the changes. “This kind of simple-minded pandering will do nothing to solve the problems facing black Americans”, said civil rights activist and amateur quarterback Colin Kaepernick. “What we all need to do is come together and work hard on what will make real change happen, like kneeling during the national anthem or wearing socks with cartoon pigs dressed like cops.” Hygiene products are also feeling the pinch. Ivory Soap will be rebranding itself to Ebony Soap and toothpaste companies are reeling after angry mobs of Black Lives Matter protesters have stolen and destroyed any toothpaste containing the word “white”. One bleach company is going the other way. Its flagship product is White Power, but so far its only customer is David Duke.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

382 Comments

  1. Brochettaward

    I’m going to go on another one of my rants and then leave again for a while.

    I don’t like what I’ve seen from this place over the past year or so, and especially the past few months. It’s gone from la group of libertarians who know the value of being first to a gaggle of seconders and in some cases thirders making excuses as to why they aren’t first. It’s excusing not being first because we can’t all be first when there is nothing more libertarian than being first. It’s a bunch of losers claiming that being first doesn’t matter as if we’re a bunch of commie cunts and people spelling cunt with an “e” at the end when there’s no need.

    Not being first makes you a loser not a winner, and I’m seeing a lot of the former here.

    • TARDIS

      Fine. We’ll see you when you get back… Tulpa.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      OK Idiot Boy…….

      • straffinrun

        Why not play with the shtick?

      • C. Anacreon

        Yeah, at least call him “Jack-Jack the Idiot Dunce”

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Maybe something like…oh, maybe “B-taward”?

        “Bro-ward”?
        “Chett”?

        Hell, I don’t know. But, he did a pretty good ‘toledo’ impression.

      • C. Anacreon

        There is already a Chet on this site, let’s not confuse people with two.

    • Q Continuum

      You only think you’re first…

    • straffinrun

      You are the hit refresh winner. You get a golden finger to put where you please.

      • Ted S.

        Watch out, he’s going to fingerbang you.

      • straffinrun

        Kancho, Kancho Man! Bro wants to be a kancho man!

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        You get a golden finger to put where you please

        And, here I was, very early on, thinking that all the comedy was in Derpy’s article. But, I am tickled pink golden by this, straff.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      But what does science say about being first?

      • C. Anacreon

        No more water parks for 30 days!

    • Hyperion

      Oh hail, Lord Broccolitard, ruler of the first, the only one who is not gay!

      When may we deserve you back?

      • Fourscore

        Shhhh, he’ll hear you. ..We’ll call you, Broch, when we have the time.

    • Jarflax

      Nothing says libertarian alpha winner like relentlessly hitting refresh on a website to post 1st. Posting diatribes against bitches and sluts on social media because even the hookers won’t date you comes close, but utlimately falls short.

    • Enough About Palin

      Each and every one of us is a business. And as with everything, there is a bell curve. At the left end of the curve are the poor who collect welfare instead working; at the right end of the curve are the wealthy elites. In the vast middle of the curve are average, working Americans who pay their taxes and mostly just want to be left alone to pursue their dreams. And what do the people at the far ends of this bell curve want? To flatten the curve.

      • Enough About Palin

        Not sure why this posted here instead of starting its own thread.

      • Count Potato

        Do they? I think there are many people who just want to move the whole curve to the right — a rising tide lifts all boats.

    • Mojeaux

      I embrace my loser-ness. I have no expectations of myself; therefore, I cannot be disappointed in myself.

      But in my defense, I was out making money to help feed my family, which is a worthy endeavor, but, I acknowledge, not as worthy as being first.

    • Don Escaped MLB

      I laffed

  2. Yusef drives a Kia

    That’s it, from now on I am Joe Adams! no more Tauron appropriation!

  3. Q Continuum

    “amateur quarterback”

    LOL!

    • Joseph Adams, Tauron Cultural appropriator

      Maybe some people just hang around here too much, and lose it, LH, EF, John, Ken and now Browhatever,
      /removes Tin foil hat

      • Bobarian LMD

        Those are all the same person, Tulpa.

      • Mojeaux

        Or anybody else who flounces.

      • Chafed

        Uh oh. Did JB pull a TopNotchToledo?

      • Mojeaux

        No. He just had some philosophical differences with the commentariat and decided to take a break.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Dude, wtfuck?

      • Mojeaux

        Morning lynx, comment #56.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Oooooookaaaaaaay……Yeah, maybe he should go for a while. Seems really self un-centered.

        /I should know

      • slumbrew

        It was a little flouncy.

      • Chafed

        Thanks Mo. Nothing wrong with a break.

  4. Q Continuum

    In all seriousness Derpy, you should try to get a job at the Bee. This is on par with their stuff.

  5. Joseph Adams, Tauron Cultural appropriator

    In other trivial bullshit news, I got my stickers for our tiny little Golf club in nowhere land, Neato!
    https://photos.app.goo.gl/a3TDjJBWW4yJ3wUN6

    • westernsloper

      That is an awesome logo.

    • Joseph Adams, Tauron Cultural appropriator

      This can’t be real…… HO LEE FUK!

    • Sean

      It’s like watching an episode of the Office.

    • straffinrun

      Lol. Had the L and R on my sneakers when I was a kid. Didn’t help given I couldn’t figure which shoe went on which foot. Mom finally had to tattoo the L and R on my feet.

      • Tejicano

        But didn’t your sneakers cover up the tattoos? I bet you were confused!

      • Bobarian LMD

        Whadda ya mean, were?

      • Jarflax

        The most Q comment to date. Bravo!

      • straffinrun

        From which side?

      • Q Continuum

        The correct one. Like, duh.

      • Gustave Lytton

        “It keeps going in the wrong hole no matter which way I turn. Wtf?”

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Dat ass, tho….

        /Q, I get it

    • Urthona

      hmmm….. how did the filmer know that was gonna happen?

      • AlmightyJB

        It sounds like he had just watched her do it once and then saw her pull around the wrong way again. Ya never know though.

      • TARDIS

        Well she is clearly video worthy. The video starts well her exiting the vehicle.

    • grrizzly

      She’s representative of the humanity.

    • Mostly Peaceful JaimeRoberto

      I’ve done that once. Now that I’ve learned from my mistake, I’d be happy to share my wisdom with her. And by wisdom I mean, would.

  6. straffinrun

    Whole Foods to drop the “w,l,e”

    • Q Continuum

      Just drop the “W” and you’ve got HM’s favorite store.

      • Tejicano

        I thought that was his favorite snack

    • straffinrun

      That one in the grocery store. I’m see that in my store and “clean up in aisles 6,7 and 8”.

      BGM for that gal.

      • Chafed

        That is fucking great song

      • straffinrun

        Yeah one of my favorites too.

    • Count Potato

      Nice with much less ink.

    • DEG

      Excellent gallery.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      I like 2, 6, 8, and 12, but the Prisoner cosplay pushes #19 into the winning spot.

      • slumbrew

        Prisoner cosplay

        *checks*

        Oh, winner!

        Be seeing you!

        (still the most disappointing series ending ever)

  7. Hyperion

    I want to know how the fuck Mark Dice has not been banned on Youtube? He must have video of the entire Youtube board in a tranny pedophile orgy. there’s no other explanation.

    • AlmightyJB

      I don’t know who that is.

      • Hyperion

        The dude is hilarious and has a giant brass set of ballz. Here you go.

        Jussie II

        That’s pretty dam tame for Dice.

      • AlmightyJB

        Nice:)

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      He walks a fine line but I suspect he’ll be kicked to the curb before too long. There’s always Bitchute.

      • straffinrun

        Saw Molyneaux got booted. Who else recently?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Really?

        For what?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Violating hate speech policies. Not sure but probably one of his old race and IQ vids.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Ah, the third rail of discussing culture and race.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        The Iconoclast who’s content I mostly disagreed with but which I found interesting. That’s all I know of but Styx, Pool, and Sargon will be following shortly I’d bet.

      • Count Potato

        Gavin McInnes got kicked off TY (he was already kicked off Twitter for no stated reason). Carpe Donktum got kicked off Twitter.

        Reddit went a huge purge, deleted The Donald.

    • Count Potato

      Last I saw, he hasn’t been banned on Twitter either. The way things are going, I’m thinking everyone will be cancelled by Election Day.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Tranny pedophile orgies are “in” dude.

      More likely he has audio of them reading Huckleberry Finn aloud.

      • Hyperion

        LOL.

    • Jarflax

      If you scroll down it is apparently a different guy.

  8. AlmightyJB

    Newman’s Sockarooni Pasta Sauce is my favorite spaghetti sauce base. We also like that his company donates to Flying Horse Farms where my wife volunteers.

  9. Count Potato

    “Muthafuckin’ Ranch”

    Speaking of ranch, my second batch came out much better.

    • straffinrun

      Speaking of Hole…

      • Hyperion

        I love you like sin, but I won’t be your pigeon.

        I love BOC.

    • Hyperion

      Dude, stop hating on The Summer of Love!

    • westernsloper

      Summer of love. Whether you consent or not. On the other hand, I wonder how many rapes and murders happened in that district before the idiots kicked the cops out?

    • J. Frank Parnell

      There haven’t been any rapes or murders, and if there have been then they were committed by white supremacist agitators.

  10. pistoffnick

    OMG Some scary looking people looked at me! And maybe said some words. But those words weren’t strong enough for me to remember them on the police report I filled out. Why can’t I go out without the icky people being around?

    http://citypages.com/news/aryan-cowboy-brotherhood-bikers-hung-out-in-downtown-stillwater/571541181

    DID YOU DIE?!?!?

    Suck it up, buttercup. The real world is not beer and skittles (even if you are a “a very visible Muslim woman”)

    • Jarflax

      I thought Islam had rules against visible women?

    • AlmightyJB

      Why weren’t they murdered?

    • prolefeed

      If you’re doing it wrong, then it would seem like a myth. 😉

      • mrfamous

        I’m not doing it at all. My governor has issued an executive order making casual sex illegal

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        B is for BELIEVE.

        When you’ve got a journalist ::snickers:: like this writing on the ‘pro’ side, it’s not quite so difficult to see why some may dismiss it out of hand.

        Wait…..

        /not a believer, but, a knower

    • westernsloper

      I further hope that you’ll accept my apology.

      I am not sure I will. I am an uneducated hillbilly and I knew everything you listed years ago proving that the alarmism is bullshit. I don’t trust you but I am sure you will sell a bunch of books which is probably the goal because you fucks are in that game for the money and nothing else. Go fuck yourself.

  11. Aloysious

    Newton’s are made from figs. Figs are black. That’s racist, just like mayonnaise.

    • Aloysious

      That was supposed to be deleted, not posted.

      WTF, squirrels?

    • Jarflax

      Newton invented gravity purely to keep BIPOC down!

      • Hyperion

        All them Whitey math is racist!

    • pistoffnick

      It’s not a cookie, Mother. It’s a fig Newwwwwwton!”

      Fun fact: fig newtons contain the highest allowance of insect parts of any cookie.

      And I love them. My Grandma used to bring me a pound of newtons whenever she visited.

      She has shuffled off, and I am a fat fuck, so no more fig Newtons (with included insect parts) for me.

      • Aloysious

        As much as I like Fig Newton’s, I miss those stupid apple Newton’s. Those things were tasty.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        So they have protein too? Sounds like it’s time to buy some more.

      • l0b0t

        When I was catering for film and tv, I always took great delight in explaining to the vegans that they are eating wasp eggs and wasp parts every time they eat a fig. It is a beautiful example of symbiosis, there are (IIRC) 125 varieties of fig and a corresponding 125 species of Fig Wasp, evolved to live in and pollinate each type of fig.

      • pistoffnick

        Did you get any weird ones (like the brown M&M rider in Van Halen’s contracts)?

      • Mojeaux

        DLR explained that rider in a YT vid. He said it was to make sure the promoters and venue people were paying attention. If they saw brown M&Ms, they would know to tell their people to double-check the wiring and electrical capacity of the venue.

      • l0b0t

        OMG, yes! I STILL hate Fred Schneider for wasting so very much expensive cheese with his stupid rider. Also, for being an asshole to the help.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Fred seems a bit on the….’prissy’ side.

      • slumbrew

        I have to think he was the absolutely least talented member of that band. I am not surprised he was a douche.

      • Chipwooder

        I worked stage setup a few times when I was in college. A guy I knew through the school radio station also worked for a promoter, and he would hire me from time to time. Nobody too big since this was Charlottesville back before JPJ Arena started drawing major acts. The worst assholes were Drivin N Cryin who fancied themselves big stars. The best was Cracker, who were totally cool and friendly and bought us a big Chinese dinner.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Fly Me Courageous were assholes??? I are shocked!!

      • slumbrew

        When my cousin was a freshman UW Madison a million years ago, Stevie Ray Vaughan played (a couple years before his death).

        My cousin, Dave, ended up helping SRV out with something and SRV got him a T-shirt which he signed: “Thanks, Dave, for all the help – someone get this man a beer and a blowjob!”

        An awesome dude, by all accounts.

        (I would have such a t-shirt framed under museum glass – Dave probably ended up cleaning up bong water with it).

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Three cheers for grandmas and Fig Newtons!!

      • Chipwooder

        Oh, so that’s what the crunchy bits inside a Fig Newton are*

        *making mental note to never eat them again*

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Y-yeah…..I guess I am doing so, too.

        Dammit…

      • Plinker762

        Insect parts are better than the spring suprise.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        C’mon–Anthrax Ripple is starting to sound a bit more appetizing. Plus, it may come with their music…

      • Plinker762

        😉

    • LJW

      Leave Whit alone! Just leave him alone!

      • AlmightyJB

        Whit’s life doesn’t matter.

      • Gender Traitor

        Not a whit.

    • Drake

      A Stormlight reference?

    • Hyperion

      He’ll be banned from Twitter by tomorrow.

      • Count Potato

        I’m thinking everyone will be banned from everywhere by November.

  12. pistoffnick

    I am a conscientious objector in your race war.

    • westernsloper

      ? Stolen. Might even make a t-shirt.

      • westernsloper

        But I would add to it to read…….I am a conscientious objector to the Democrats race war, I stand with MLK.

    • AlmightyJB

      Truth

    • Hyperion

      Most… sorry, all inanimate objects are smarter than CNN.

  13. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Gad Saad on how to vote for in the election:

    https://youtu.be/Tp-apBW3Z0c

    Pretty much this…

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      who to vote for

    • LJW

      SMOD please

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        That’s my second choice.

    • westernsloper

      Violent protesters make us root for the police, and then the police ruin it by being the dick heads they are. I am so conflicted!

      • Hyperion

        Feature, not bug. /democrats

      • Drake

        Both parties are doing their best to exploit the situation while making it worse.

    • Count Potato

      That’s retarded.

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      Two officers I worked with at my first agency arrested a man….a black man, who was parked in front of his being-built house. For being more than 18 inches from the curb. In teh middle of the night.

      They lost their jobs (one was a Sgt., who told the officer to make the arrest) over this arrest when it became a shit-show in the media. When it cam time to redesign the police patches, I suggested that the center design be of a tire/wheel near a curb, with a line segment running between the two, and 18″ written above said segment.

      It got a few nervous chuckles.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        “teh”?? Seriously…..motherfu-

  14. Hyperion

    We were just talking about making all of our own salad dressing anyway. Newman’s own olive oil and vinegar was one of my favorite store bought. Will not be buying that anymore, go fuck yourselves dummies.

    • Jarflax

      Did Derpy’s parody just spark a boycott?

      • Hyperion

        Wait… wut? You telling me Derp be making shit up?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      What’d they do, decide to contribute ten percent of profits to BLM or some such?

    • Tulip

      Just make your own, it’s easy and so much better

      • Count Potato

        I’ve been making my own ranch without ever having tried ranch. So far it seems like it’s better on everything except salad.

  15. quincy

    Has thisbeen noted?

    • Oy the Billy-Bumbler

      Is there even 1 person walking on the earth that watches a TV show called Bojack Horseman?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        No one knows what the show is or who the character was but she gets to show how fucking awesome she is (after she cashed the check of course).
        Also would if she’d keep her damn mouth shut about politics.

      • Crusty Juggler

        It was very popular for a short period of time because it was very funny in an irreverent and unique way.

      • Idle Hands

        first and some of the second season season were hilarious

    • TARDIS

      Well there’s a threesome to consider. ?

      • TARDIS

        @#$%^&*@
        Meant for tater below.

    • slumbrew

      Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla. I’m in.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Shave and a haircut
      Bullshit

    • Jarflax

      Animist fetishism. This is “hate’ not stoned morons working at a pizza place thinking they are funny. Objects are avatars of the spirits animating a malevolent universe. Draw a symbol and invoke them. Smash a symbol and banish them.

      When men choose not to believe in God, they do not thereafter believe in nothing, they then become capable of believing in anything.

      Speaking of Chesterton what happened to TGA?

      • leon

        He comments less, but i do see him around once in a while.

    • Drake

      I’d be pissed if they didn’t slice my pizza.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        This, more than anything else.

        it would never occur to me to tell the world about getting a pizza like that. In fact I’d probably laugh at first. Might send a pic to a friend, but, that’s about it.

        Why thisparticular story is worthy of a news story on TV is beyond me.

  16. quincy

    I’m so fucking bored with this pandemic, I’ve taken to watching WWIII disaster porn to make me feel something again. “Threads” was a fun rewatch.

  17. IntraveneousWoodChipper

    “ Uhuru.”

    That was a nice touch.

    • Crusty Juggler

      He co-wrote the song with fellow legend Robert Tepper.

      No Easy Way Out gets my juices flowing like…uhh…umm…Winston’s Mom sipping box of wine watching Solid Gold.

    • straffinrun

      “Creepy” only to fools who don’t what love is yet.

    • Cy

      That was…. legal in France.

  18. Jarflax

    I’ve only been around about half the time lately, but it seems as though a lot of people aren’t around these days. Have we had casualties? I see we lost Juvenile Bluster this morning, and I haven’t seen HM or TGA in a while. I guess I am not one to talk though since like I said I have been around a lot less myself.

    • Mojeaux

      I personally always assume people are busy unless they say otherwise.

    • IntraveneousWoodChipper

      We lost JB how? Didn’t see that.

      • Count Potato

        Me neither.

      • Chipwooder

        He said he didn’t like the direction the site has been going in for the last year so he’s leaving for a while. I think he had some fair critiques and some unfair critiques, and I think he was going a bit overboard in ascribing motivations to other posters. I appreciate his perspective and I’m glad he challenged things that can be conventional wisdom around here at times, but I think he could be a bit more charitable towards those of us he disagrees with and not imply so much bad faith on the part of others. I do hope he returns.

    • Count Potato

      HM is one of the tptb/founders. Who is TGA?

      • straffinrun

        Just Sayin

      • Count Potato

        Oh, Tulsi Gabbard Apologist?

      • Mojeaux

        Yes, also he is Just Sayin’.

    • leon

      HM comments around. TGA is less frequent but still around, don’t know what happened there. JB just said he is taking a break.

      • straffinrun

        He probably just snapped a bit. My guess is he will be back. It’s kind of shitty to complain about the overall tenor of the site and not name names.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Say his/her name?

      • straffinrun

        Say something. Who’s voting for Trump and who is not voting for Trump. I don’t really care but I’m not gonna bitch about people who are. There are a lot of right wing libertarians here and that was no secret from the start.

      • leon

        Yeah. From what he said it was coming back, just needed a break. And i can get that. We’re a bunch of assholes. But not unlikable ones. Like i said earlier, we have people who vary quite a lot across the libertarian spectrum. I don’t kid myself in saying that a lot of us don’t “lean” right.

      • Jarflax

        I obviously tend to lean right, but I value the commenters that don’t. If you annoy me occassionally, but are not an idiot, that is a sign that maybe you are poking areas I need to reexamine. You probably won’t change my mind often, but the possibility is very valuable and is increasingly hard to find these days where everything is people parroting dogma at each other.

      • leon

        If you annoy me occassionally

        :runs: :cries: :rocks back and forth: I didn’t mean to annoy you.

        Yeah i lean right to. Not everyone here does. I do like getting outside views from people who i know generally share the core values. I know Pat has made me think a lot about corporate organizational systems and libertarianism. I agree with straff though, it’s not fair to characterize us all as too Trump supporting, or what not, just because there are a few vocal people you disagree with.

      • straffinrun

        I’m not right leaning and don’t think a free society would be right leaning. Doesn’t bother me though when people insist it would because in the end if they believe in creating a free society we will find out.

    • Chipwooder

      Why did Gilmore leave? Anyone know?

      • Don Escaped MLB

        I thought he changed jobs. I never sensed he felt any change about the site; if anything, he should have felt himself as favorite.

      • Mojeaux

        IIRC, he obtained a Glibs-incompatible job.

      • Hyperion

        WTF is a Glibs incompatible job? Is that a question HR asks you on your orientation?

      • Mojeaux

        He can’t be connected to people like us because his job is nosy like that and they would not approve of us.

      • Hyperion

        He doesn’t have a personal PC? Good gawd that would suck. Is he living in China now?

      • Hyperion

        Oh, BTW, I was going to ask you if you’ve connected with the independent writers group over at Parler, there seems to be a lot of them.

      • Mojeaux

        No. Other than being here, my internet time has been refreshing my Kindle sales like a crack-addled rat.

      • Chipwooder

        Aha. That sucks, I miss his commentary.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Godspeed fashionable young gentleman! You are not forgotten!

      • Hyperion

        Because yer all a bunch of trumptards!

      • Cy

        SCIENCE!!!

      • Don Escaped MLB

        Playa
        MikeS
        Easterly
        Boberson

        dudes who seem MIA lately
        not that I’m online for everything any more

      • Chipwooder

        I know I’ve seen Bob Boberson lately. Playa, not so much. Ed Wuncler is pretty scarce nowadays too.

  19. Crusty Juggler

    What’s more likely:

    The CIA and NYPD are setting off fireworks in NYC in order to use that as an impetus to force our black and brown brothers and sisters back under their boot?

    orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    5G is causing the coronas?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      I find Icke strangely likable so I’ll go with 5G.

  20. Joseph Adams, Tauron Cultural appropriator

    I would love to visit, but the Website is unreadable for me,

  21. mrfamous

    The CEO of Mountainside Fitness in Arizona is filing a lawsuit against Ducey and the State of Arizona asking for a stay of Ducey’s latest executive order to close the gyms:

    https://www.facebook.com/12news/videos/266322574696766/

    Not sure I’ve ever been happier to spend money on a business than just about right now.

    • Drake

      How much do elected Republicans crave death?

  22. straffinrun

    I need a hug and a tug.

    • mrfamous

      Sorry, straffinrun, both are currently illegal.

    • Hyperion

      Huggies… No tugs, bro, tug yourself!

    • Gustave Lytton

      Soapland closed down?

      • straffinrun

        “Honestly, Honey, I thought they sold soap there.”

      • Tejicano

        “..and I was having some dirty thoughts which they said they could scrub out for me…”

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      Then you’ll be snug as a bug in a rug?

      Sound as a pound?

      Bong and a blintz?

  23. Hyperion

    Muh voting!

    Mail in voter fraud is fake news folks. We should all vote by mail.

    Why are all democrats fugly butch dykes? Just asking.

    • TARDIS

      11/03/20

      The end of days.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Janet Reed? More like Janet Reno, who apparently faked her own death.

      • 61North

        She has experience in faking evidence from her time as a State DA from the Miami daycare abuse hoax. Truly a loathsome piece of trash.

      • Chipwooder

        And just think – Satanic panic child abuse cases aren’t even close to the most revolting thing she was to blame for.

    • Hyperion

      Our only hope is that the left won’t procreate, because:

      1. They ugly.

      2. They can’t even figure out which gender they are.

      3. They ugly.

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      Eww, gaw-damn! You right about the fugly butch dyke….

  24. Chafed

    Derpetologist that was fantastic! That may have been your best one yet.

  25. Mojeaux

    Derpy, I don’t know if I’ve told you lately, but I truly think you’re brilliant and I love the knowledge nuggets you randomly drop.

    • leon

      Being scared by people swarming your car is just white fragility.

    • 61North

      Goddamn. I’d tape my phone to the wall once I got home to record my doorway and definitely not use the firearms that I 100% don’t have and not point them at my door.

    • straffinrun

      “ The injured protester was 29-year-old Isiah Wagoner, an organizer with the group Black Unity, who was helping to lead a children’s march and block traffic for protesters to get through a roundabout intersection safely when he was struck by the car.”

      So he was leading children through traffic? Literally teaching children to play in the street. Fucking stupid.

      • leon

        You know who else led a children’s march?

      • Chipwooder

        Nicholas of Cologne?

      • slumbrew

        John Wayne Gacy?

    • DenverJ

      If you’re in the road, I think it’s up to you to make things safe. If I’m driving along at 40 MPH, I don’t really have time to react to some dumbass in the road who has never been taught to look both ways.

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      It’s amazing that this organizer was so cognizant of the hatred directed at him by wypipo, yet it never occurred to him to watch out for wypipo drivers, when he himself is a pedestrian.

      Just so strange…

  26. Drake

    Another shootout in CHOP. it’s a tumultuous young nation.

    • Chafed

      I’m sure they are dispatching social workers to the scene.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        “We need hugs at Maple and Third!”

  27. Mojeaux

    LJW, you still employed?

  28. Drake

    Anyone else starting to suspect “Dr.” Fauci is a real piece of shit?

    https://gab.com/TerryF/posts/104429113888437860

    Sabotaged every hydroxicloroquine trial ($1 per dose). Pushing a $3k treatment instead.

    • Hyperion

      “Anyone else starting to suspect “Dr.” Fauci is a real piece of shit?”

      Yes

      • Hyperion

        Starting? Yeah no, they’re all massive pieces of shit. Where’s the Scarfenstien cunt? Haven’t seen her in a while.

        Godamnit, Donald, you see, here once again is where I dislike you the most. You seem to be completely clueless about people. WTF? How many more Sessions and Stache o’War turds does it take? Fuck it, it’s too late, ain’t it?

    • Gustave Lytton

      Yes he is, but not for that garbage.

    • Hyperion

      Hike Meadly
      @MikeHeadly39
      ·
      27m
      My cat ran across my keyboard

      LOLOL, fuck!

  29. Trigger Hippie

    So apparently the city I reside in and the adjoining state to the West has decided to double down on the far past the point of usefulness/stupid, futile gestures and implemented a mandatory mask order in nearly all businesses within a standing structure for at least two weeks.

    Fuck you. I have options and I refuse to play part in your theatre. It sucks to a minor degree for the businesses I would normally frequent but for now I’m taking my money outside those areas. I will not reward this behavior by my elected representatives…the hell else can I really do besides go berserker? I don’t have the fire in me for that at this point in my life…

    …You know what the worst part is? We have at least four more months of this to yet endure. Four. Months.

    Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ on Rubber Fucking Crutches, AT LEAST four more months. Goddammit. If the best I can hope for is the now almost completely neutralized orange shithead being narrowly elected with no remaining political capital after the first year of his second term to continue to waffle through one manufactured bullshit crisis after the other only to piss away the whole American Ideal in five years from roughly this date to a tyrannical progressive I just may have to drink myself to death in the meanwhile.

    • Drake

      Damn, I was feeling bad for being such a black-pilled pessimist lately.

      • Trigger Hippie

        No, you have the gist of it, good sir. Despite my misanthropic nature, I’m still a Humanist at heart…but I have the feeling things are going to get far darker before we see any light at the end of the tunnel…

        Cheers!

    • slumbrew

      Ole Uncle Joe will make everything right. Just close your eyes and think of, uh, whatever he stands for this hour.

      • Chipwooder

        That’s just a very healthy looking young woman there

    • Hyperion

      The left have no sense of humor because they hate themselves, and because of that, they have everyone else. I can’t really blame them though, I hate them also, more every day.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Possibly unpopular anecdotal opinion: I grew up in a very literal interpretation, Evangelical biblical household and community. Those were some of the most joyless, dour, self-righteous, arrogant, condescending, close-minded people I have ever met in my entire life. The only people I’ve ever encountered to rival them have been dedicated members of the progressive left.

        Despite the differences in philosophical basis, they inhabit very similar mindsets, IMHO. That being: Irrational religious fanatics.

        The ideology almost matters not, the mindset and tactics are similar. I’m sure there’s a far deeper nuisance to this statement to consider but I’m tipsy, slightly angry, and honestly don’t care to consider it before hitting the hay.

        Goodnight, all.

      • slumbrew

        Shorter: true believers are humorless?

      • Trigger Hippie

        Yep. What scares me is that I’m also growing more humorless.

        *hard stare into the mirror*

      • slumbrew

        If anything, I’m growing more amused. Perhaps it’s my Irish blood, but I can’t help but find it all so ridiculous.

      • Cy

        I’m starting to think of it as a really bad thriller/apocalypse movie, that i can’t just shut off or fast forward to the end.

      • Ted S.

        Meh, you always had a shitty sense of humor. :-p

      • Hyperion

        You aren’t telling me anything. I grew up in a very fundie religious environment. You haven’t heard any of my stories here about this?

        Even compared to the church ladies, the modern left are no fun.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Vaguely. Again, a little tipsy. Sorry, bud.

      • Hyperion

        That’s something for another time, have a good night bro.

      • salted earth

        good night

      • Trigger Hippie

        *Waves at Salty Lass*

        Okay, now I’m off.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        That’s strange, because, I, too, grew up in an Evangelical, Biblical household, and I’m the funniest person I know.

        OK–2nd funniest.

  30. DenverJ

    I guess I have to say it again: the only silver lining is a front row seat to the suicide of a civilization.

    • Hyperion

      Maybe you get to be Nero for a season?

      • leon

        Something something, year of four emperors.

      • DenverJ

        Jesus I don’t want to be Nero! I was thinking of writing a “History of the Rise and Fall of the United States. “

      • Plinker762

        Perhaps you would rather be Caligula.

    • Trigger Hippie

      Lenny Bruce is not afraid.

      • slumbrew

        Damn you. That stupid song is now stuck in my head.

  31. slumbrew

    Also, he and Midge should just bang already.

  32. grrizzly

    Mostly to amuse Gustave, Aeroplan rebooked me on Lufthansa on the same date to BUD. So, we’re still ready to fly to the country where this happened on Saturday. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeSVWA0ISAU
    The soccer club that was actually very good in the last 20 years was relegated from the top Hungarian league because they could not defeat their opponents in the last round of the regular season. Their fans didn’t like it at all. Don’t miss the moment when a few fans removed by force the jersey from one of the players.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Huzzah!

      I don’t which I like better. Fans giving a team shit or police able to end a riot without swinging batons or flying tackles and handcuffs.

  33. Hyperion

    So we have a new liquor store here participating in Drizly who seem to have everything. I have all sorts of new beers I just ordered, or maybe old beers I haven’t seen in a while. First time I’ve seen the Mickey’s Big Mouth here. And finally the Grolsch tops, and wow are they fresh, drinking one right now. Lots of other stuff, my beer fridge is overflowing.

    • Hyperion

      “Grolsch tops”

      I mean the flip tops. First time I’ve seen those around here in a long time. But those guys have a very large variety of beer for delivery and they delivered to my door first time, no questions asked in about 15 minutes. And this place is not easy to find, and I hate it when they call me and say ‘The gate is closed!’. No shit, Sherlock, I put the gate code in the delivery notes.

      • Ted S.

        I figured you were a Grolsch bottom.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Heh….harsh, but, heh.

    • KSuellington

      Grolsch use to make those tops out of porcelain or some type of stone/glass mixture. They made great roach clips. I used to drink the 330ml brown returnable bottles when I lived in the NL. I still know the Dutch for “that was a really fast case of Grolsch there”.

      • Hyperion

        Funny, I remember that. I bought a four pack of them in a liquor store in Indiana about 20 years ago, and the guy at the counter, this was probably right around midnight, tells me that a lot of people use the caps for a roach clip, and the he pulled one out from beneath the counter and lit up a joint, which he shared with me. Seriously, not making that shit up. They were something like porcelain back then. I’m pretty sure the one I’m drinking right, the stopper is some sort of plastic.

      • KSuellington

        Ha, ha,ha! Hilarious, yeah, they switched to a plastic topper sometime in the early 2000’s. I think the brown bottle version of that and of Heineken are quite good lagers. I’m not so much a fan of the green bottle, but that flip top bottle is the coolest beer packaging.

        Dat kraatje Grolsch was erg snel door gegegaan.

      • Hyperion

        I still remember leaving from there and the song by Aerosmith ‘Uncle Salty’ was on the radio, lol, I was fucking buzzed.

      • KSuellington

        I’m kind of shocked that would happen in Indiana. But then again I’ve never been there. Good times.

  34. Plinker762

    The counter guy at FedEx freaked out when I walked in without a mask. I guess I’ll just have them pickup my shipments from now on.

    • salted earth

      hey. Running errands today, quite a few people at the grocery store were noncompliant, people at Target and Costco were masked up.

      • Plinker762

        The wife of one of my worker bees works at the grocery store at Nine Mile. Very few of the customers are wearing masks. They have some poor teenager at the door asking people wear masks.

      • salted earth

        Ugh, poor kid. I would not want that job.

      • tripacer

        Moses Lake has signs up, but no one will say anything until after you check out. She was polite though.

      • salted earth

        I haven’t seen any freakouts. The stores I’ve been to will give you a mask.
        Tripacer, if you are interested in a glib meet up sometime this summer, sodium at proton mail dot com.

      • tripacer

        I’d be less irritated if they offered masks, but I haven’t seen it happen here yet. I told the lady that I had actually been holding my breath the whole time, but I don’t think she was amused.

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      What did he say/do?

      • salted earth

        I would like to make a joke about packages, but I may have pressed my luck the other night.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Whammy?

        Seriously–what’d you do (this time)?? 😉

      • salted earth

        No whammy, no whammy…I think that is the only thing I remember about that game show.

      • Plinker762

        I yawn when I read Sugarfree stories.

      • salted earth

        You are braver than me. There are some things I don’t want in my brain.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        What are we talking about here?

      • salted earth

        Sugarfree stories…they had bleach at Costco, I bought some.

      • Plinker762

        Not really yelling, but a very adamant “you can’t come in here without a mask”. I successfully withheld a “fuck off”

        I guess what I really hate is how the governor has forced businesses to become enforcers.

      • KSuellington

        The mask charade will be the last thing that goes I think. Two years from now there will be people still doing it.

      • Plinker762

        Agreed. Easy social signaling.

        I spent last week working at at 12,000 ft and had to wear a face covering. Had to take it off occasionally to catch my breath. They definitely block free breathing.

      • KSuellington

        They fucking suck, I hate it. I can only imagine at 12k feet. I wear one in shops because it’s required, but outside no. I wear one if I’m dealing with a customer that has one on.

      • Gustave Lytton

        So what? I’m more concerned with government dictates being in place then than individuals choosing to wear a mask or clean underwear. None of these mask mandates are specifying exactly what numbers trigger mandatory masks and none of them specify what numbers will be used to remove the mandates, which means until they feel like removing them.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Power corrupts, yo. In the end, your fave business choosing it on their own would have the same immediate effect(s). But, yes–the gubmint pulling the “or, else” routine is shitty.

      • salted earth

        It seems like it would be unethical to make a law you don’t intend to enforce. Also, if the state wants me to enforce the law they should be giving me a paycheck.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Not exactly a “law”, or, even legislation.

      • Plinker762

        True, more like an order from the generalissimo. How quickly we shed the facade of representative govt.

      • salted earth

        That last bit sounds kind of bad, I don’t want to be the boot on someone’s neck.

    • Tejicano

      I’m half tempted to cut out a little mask-shaped piece of white electrical tape to put over my photo on my ID so my ID looks like I do when I have to show it to anybody. If they object to my ID being partially covered I’ll point to my mask and say “this is all you can see anyway – what does it matter if that part of my photo isn’t visible?”.

      Yeah, I can be a real asshole when we have asshole rules.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        I mean….they allow people to wear head gear for religious purposes. I don’t see why you couldn’t do a partial face covering, for medical science.

  35. salted earth

    Reading Orwell quotes on GoodReads is really depressing.

    • Chafed

      Maybe Mencken will cheer you up.

      • salted earth

        Mencken seems to have a sense of humor. His quotes on GoodReads are kind of funny.

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      ::facepalm::

  36. Digby Says Invest in Malden

    Welp, my time over on the glibs Discord may be coming to an end. Then again, maybe not, since I might just be a shit person.

    • salted earth

      Have you been escorted off the premises?

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        No, but it’s starting to look like I’m getting into it with a couple of long-timers over not having kids. I could let it go, but, I felt compelled to push back.

        Of course, I’m probably not wise for bringing it up here, either. I just got a case of the red-ass over the implication that I’m a shit person for not breeding/owe it to someone or other to do so.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        I’ve never understood people who think that way. I think that having kids is a really really important part of life, and that’s why nobody should take the decision lightly. If the resulting answer is “no”, that’s much more respectable (IMO) than having kids that are lifestyle accessories, resented, or otherwise deprioritized.

      • Gender Traitor

        I can’t figure out who I would supposedly “owe it to” to reproduce. If I owe someone something, I’ll write ’em a check.

      • Festus' Mustache

        They are usually really racist.

    • Chafed

      What’s with the new name? Who or what is Malden? Karl Malden? Malden, MA?

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        It’s from Monty Python (because I’m that original, yo). The best I could find, and, just give it a minute: https://youtu.be/yGayivkcoxs?t=616

    • Tejicano

      I guess I wasn’t paying attention. What’s a Glibs “discord”?

      • Chafed

        Digby uses dis cord for autoerotic asphyxiation.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Were you waiting for me to refute that?

  37. Digby Says Invest in Malden

    I dunno if you’ll get in to see this, but: https://discord.com/channels/334850908842229760/334850908842229760

    It’s a chat/posting site that most video game streamers use for game chat, and for the ‘social’ aspect. Some glibs moved there, or, hop back and forth, since you see the comments/notifications of postings in real time.

    It usually takes an invitation to join a server, so, you may not see anything going to that link.

    • Tejicano

      Wow. Thanks for the detailed reply. You’re correct – I tried that link but need to be registered to sign in. Cool.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Pan Zagloba, MLW, Raphael, Creosote, Animal…lots of dual-worlders there. And, here. I catch up on some of the various posting there overnight, and have little real-time interactions due to them being day-timers, for the most part.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Got the Londo experience.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Who was more interesting: Londo or Lando?

        Discuss.

  38. Sean

    ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

    /media

      • UnCivilServant

        I drive to New Hampshire for groceries to not wear a mask.

      • Sean

        I have to for work and I’m supposed to for shopping anywhere indoors.

        I only have to wear it briefly at work, thank God. Maybe 20 minutes tops.

      • UnCivilServant

        By the time they’ll ask me to return to the office, I’ll have enough leave to take two months off. Alternatively, I can abuse their own rules and ask for some sort of accommodation claiming a fear of conveying the virus to my high-risk parents.

    • Gender Traitor

      This poem may need an update. But, you know, cultural appropriation and all that…

      Mornin’, gentlemen.

      • Sean

        Good morning

      • Festus' Mustache

        You keep up that poetry nonsense and I might be forced to leave! Or flounce.

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t know how to flounce. I’d end up lumbering.

      • Festus' Mustache

        I’d just trip over my own feet into a puddle.

      • Festus' Mustache

        Or slip on a pile of dog shit.

      • UnCivilServant

        They’re not mutually exclusive. You can slip on the shit and trip over your own feet trying to regain balance…

      • Festus' Mustache

        This is known…

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      Easy enough target size.

      I’m just saying, is all.

      • Sean

        Yeah, but i ain’t grappling with that.

      • Festus' Mustache

        ” I can’t breathe!”

  39. Festus' Mustache

    Good Morning Breakfast Club! We have our own “Interdependence Day” happening on July 1st and this is the only time in my living memory that it is not being rolled into a long weekend. Gotta keep the proles at home, I suppose. In a normal year the holiday would fall on a Sunday, no matter what. Even better, half of everything will be open, business as usual. No day off for me but double time on Wednesday. Truth be told, I’d rather have the day off. Fucking Karens.

    • Sean

      Good morning Mr. Mustache.

      • Festus' Mustache

        I’m more than a nice set of follicles! I’ll have you in front of HR so fast it would make your head spin. My eyes are up here, you pig!

    • Festus' Mustache

      FML. “Monday”. This keyboard is as addled as its owner. I keep having to go back to correct something and miss something else. Mid-week holidays are fine when you can get them but I don’t get even a dollop of gruel this time.