Biden Challenges Coronavirus to Push-Up Contest

by | Jul 15, 2020 | Satire | 307 comments

DOVER, DE – At a rally attended by several people, Presidential hopeful Joe Biden promised that if elected, he would “find that damn virus and punch it right in the mouth”. He then walked back his remarks and said that a push-up contest was an acceptable alternative. He added that “listen folks, I can beat Corn Pop and I can beat this virus. And I don’t give fart in a high wind what some slant-eye Chinaman says about it.” Biden later apologized for the “Chinaman” remarks and said that some of his best friends “eat rice and are shitty drivers”. In preparation for the contest, Biden has begun eating raw eggs and jogging up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Tragedy struck on the second day when he fell, broke his hip, and was later discovered to have a severe case of Salmonella food poisoning. Trump sent Biden a get well card containing a cartoon of a paramecium wearing boxing gloves.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

307 Comments

  1. salted earth

    A mostly true story?

    • Chafed

      Mostly = entirely

  2. DEG

    I like it.

  3. Aloysious

    I wonder if Gropey Joe is still pretending to ride that Harley on the campaign trail.

    Maybe he’ll ride into a tree.

    • Hyperion

      At this point, they’d be lucky to keep him on a huvaround for a 2 minute spot.

  4. Trigger Hippie

    ‘…Joe Biden promised that if elected, he would “find that damn virus and punch it right in the mouth”.’

    Fake news, too coherent for 2020.

  5. Trigger Hippie

    ‘Biden later apologized for the “Chinaman” remarks and said that some of his best friends “eat rice and are shitty drivers”.’

    Okay, that got a chuckle out of me.

  6. Trigger Hippie

    Now I just want to see how many times I can make my shitty gif avatar do its step/arm raise in unison.

    • But first, the whores! Said Digby

      Hey!! Sexual Chocolate is NOT a shitty gif!

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        Even if it does have Randy Watson in it….

  7. Sean

    But, did he get the kids to market yet?

    • Trigger Hippie

      Ah, and Sean punts me off.

      Hiya!

      Later, all. Have fun.

      • Sean

        Sorry.

  8. Trigger Hippie

    You people can stop this nonsense at anytime, you know.

    • Sean

      ?

      • UnCivilServant

        This town still ain’t big enough…

        …You can keep it.

    • Hyperion

      I hope nobody gotta low tire, cause all the fix-a-flat be gone from the Walmart.

  9. Derpetologist

    I’m sorry for submitting a re-run from the comments, but my creative juices have been running low. I hope you all enjoy this little bit of nonsense. I might be taking a break from here for a while. I have a lot on my plate and as much as I like this place, there are things I should be doing instead.

    If I get a really funny idea, I’ll be sure to write it. Until then, my time is better spent on pt and such. I ran 4 miles each day for the past 4 days. I want to keep that up.

    Put your funny headline ideas in the comments of the links. I’ll probably see it.

    A proper Irish goodbye – may the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, and may your soul be in heaven an hour before the devil knows your dead.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxjvNUNXhkU

    Slán abhaile, friends. For now, for a while.

    • DEG

      Until next time

    • westernsloper

      Always enjoy any of your submissions Derp, you at least do better than most of us slack asses at submitting something. Enjoy the runs!

    • R C Dean

      Do what you need . Come back soon.

    • Hyperion

      “I might be taking a break from here for a while.”

      Why? Come on, man, don’t make me sad. I still cannot stop laughing over the Orson Welles drunk wine commercial you posted the link to.

      We promise to stop being Trumptards and all that, you can’t go away. I’ll go away too! I mean it!

      • slumbrew

        That Paul Masson commercial is one of the great joys of life.

      • Hyperion

        I lave not laughed that hard in as long as I can remember. Well, the last time was when someone here posted a pic and a comment about Ex Toronto mayor
        Rob Ford, with a picture and comment. Actually, that might have been on TOS.

        Anyway, Derp provides a lot of good comments here and articles, not sure if someone offended him, and I’ll be sad if he goes away, hopefully he’ll be back soon.

      • Ozymandias

        I take him at his word that he needs to spend some time “IRL” for a bit. Hopefully he comes back refreshed and as Derpy as ever!
        (But I agree, it would be a huge bummer if he took off for good. I don’t think so, though.)
        Everybody needs a little time away

      • Hyperion

        I don’t tend to announce that, it just happens, like work and wifey life happens.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Take care and avoid hitting your LD of derp.

    • Chafed

      I enjoy your work Derpetologist. Hope we see you sooner rather than later.

  10. Grosspatzer

    You owe me a new keyboard. On a work call yesterday, we were discussing a software deployment from last week which I would generously describe as chaotic. I was about to refer to it as a Chinese Fire Drill, which would have been a bad idea since said deployment involved removal of “offensive” language from the stack. I did mention that once upon a time there was a term for this sort of thing which might be offensive to Asians. My young Korean co-worker is eager to hear it, now that I have assured him it does not involve Koreans.

    • UnCivilServant

      I can’t seem to recall what that term means.

      What’s it mean?

      • Sean

        While driving, stop car in the middle of a road. Occupants exit vehicle. They run around the vehicle and re-enter. Not necessarily at the same seating arrangement.

      • Tejicano

        It isn’t intended to. Lot’s of fun things don’t make sense.

      • salted earth

        NSFW?

      • Sean

        For man nipples?

      • salted earth

        I have no idea what the standard is 🙂

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        For Oklahoma.

        Listen–if anyone inside the borders of Oklahoma wants to think about “man nipples” while there, I would just rather not share the planet with them….is all I’m saying.

      • Fourscore

        The whole Stooge family?

      • Jarflax

        You remember the zillion drummer perfectly coordinated show at the opening of the Beijing Peking Olympics? A chinese firedrill is the opposite of that, utter uncoordinated chaos.

    • Sensei

      You’ll be happy to know that on Wall St. the word Chinese wall has been used for decades to describe areas of the firm that prevents other parts from accessing. Notable example would be investment banking and research.

      It has no racist connotations as it refers to the Great Wall. However, in the past decade or so it has become “firewall”.

      • Grosspatzer

        Oh yeah, I remember that. Amazing how much you can forget in 3 years (when I said adios to Wall St.)

      • Jarflax

        Chinese wall = pinky promise not to let the people underwriting a merger tell the traders who could make $$$$$$$ off the confidential information. Also when the prosecutors who know about the illegal search and evidence pinky swear not to tell the ones doing the totally independent investigation anything about it so they can convince a judge that the evidence would have been discovered due to ‘inevitable discovery’ according to Police and Prosecutorial Conduct is Awesome Cause Bad Guys Law & Order.

  11. Hyperion

    Parody is almost impossible now, but thanks for trying, Derp.

    In the real world, stop this this rock from spinning and let me the fuck off already.

    OFFS!

  12. westernsloper

    At a rally attended by several people

    You forgot the, hand picked, part.

    • Hyperion

      Was he able to get them in out of the rain?

  13. Sean

    Is there Zoomies tonight?

    *tumbleweeds*

    • westernsloper

      I think folks have stuff to do in the evenings now. Like obviously going out and get the Vid because that is what the news tells me is going to happen to everybody. I check in from 6ish my time until I need to make some food and go to bed and it seems to have gotten slower as we move past total freakout.

      • Hyperion

        “Like obviously going out and get the Vid”

        So, Blockbuster is making a comeback? I knew it! I read in the Bible that’s what happens right before the end!

      • Sean

        *sends e-vites for Covid party*

  14. Mojeaux

    Brilliant!

    No, UCS, I have not forgotten about you. ?

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m glad I’m not so unmemorable.

    • Hyperion

      “No, UCS, I have not forgotten about you.”

      Who?

      • UnCivilServant

        Mojeaux, you know her, writer of doorstopper romance novels.

      • Hyperion

        “doorstopper romance”

        They use those in her smut? Ewww!

  15. Hyperion

    “He then walked back his remarks and said that a push-up contest was an acceptable alternative .”

    That term is many many grade school levels above the level of Biden’s English language skills, even in his more articulate days.

    • Count Potato

      Come on, man, I have, uh, you know people that do the thing.

      • Tejicano

        They type that stuff up on a lapdog computer and print them off big with built faint so I can read them.

  16. Sean

    Twitter has been hacked. Don’t believe any tweets you see from me.

    /no Twitter account

  17. Sean

    Well, I just poured a deep glass of vodka. I’ll be out soon.

  18. Tejicano

    Pretty good, Derp. I was thinking it might be missing some of those adorable, cringey Bidenisms a la “dog faced pony soldier”. I assume your presentation was dialed in showcase how the right-think media would filter it so those were missing.

  19. UnCivilServant

    Here I am, waiting for water to chill, only to find out I never put any in either the fridge or the freezer.

    Now I have to wait even longer.

    • Sean

      Making jello shots?

      • UnCivilServant

        No, I’m just thirsty.

        Room temperature water doesn’t work when the room temperature is 80.

      • Sean

        80°? Throw some water on the hot rocks.

      • Jarflax

        No ice?

    • Fourscore

      You are a little young for those events but not too young though.

  20. Hyperion

    Reparations Now!

    So, how do they pay for this? A tax on all those white slave owners? It’s getting deep, folks.

    • Sean

      I bet the housing market collapses there over the next 6 months. And tax revenues plummet. Good luck with that, assholes.

    • Pan Zagloba

      Out of general government spending, of course.

      Tax maybe has some vague connection to it, but money collection and money disbursement are second cousins at best. The ones that live in different states and see each every other Thanksgiving.

      • Hyperion

        The city council was apparently imported from Portland. These are children who do not understand anything about economies or human nature.

        I was just thinking about taking a weekend vacation with wifey. Maybe the Biltmore Estate would be nice, we haven’t been yet, before it becomes CHOP East.

      • R C Dean

        “money collection and money disbursement are second cousins at best”

        So you’re saying they can fuck each other?

    • creech

      Reparations Now? If they want to call this stuff “reparations” then they’ve been paid beginning 50 years ago when the Great Society was imposed on us by LBJ. Yes, the reparations will be never ending because things like Sec.8 Housing turn things, inevitably, into shitholes that need to be torn down and rebuilt with a new round of “reparations.”

    • slumbrew

      “This process begins and is perpetual, repeating this process over and over again,” … “There is no completion box to check off.”

      An endless slush-fund for politically-connected cronies.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        Can’t come back later and claim it’s graft–“I said there is no completion…I meant there is no point at which this will ever be completed! What did you think it meant?”

  21. Yusef drives a Kia

    Watching JRE with Peter Schiff, what a train wreck, apparently, when the Wu Flu came around the Economy just magically shut down, and all those little businesses were going under anyway,
    I liked the guy, but CWAA!

    • Fourscore

      I hope you bought some gold

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Ammo? that’s Gold to me, glad I bought a lot early,
        /GOLD! //Dann Florek

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      I listened to guite a bit of that and I have to agree. I am not a follower Austrian economics.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I am against bailouts, but this was a deliberate shutdown, business health had little to do with it, the GOV did this,

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Agreed.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        Hey!!–you brought back the classic!

        Rock. On.

    • Count Potato

      “According to Vice news, twitter will ban people who post these screen shots proving Twitter manually edits trends and manufacturers consent, contrary to congressional testimony.

      If I as a journalist get nuked for this, fair enough.

      So long, friends.”

      https://twitter.com/Cernovich/status/1283572084770144256

      “Proof Twitter can shadowban and censor people. It was speculated before but this screenshot of the user admin panel that employees have access to just proves it.”

      • Hyperion

        “twitter will ban people”

        And then they ran out of people to ban. / the end

      • commodious spittoon

        Sorry, that page doesn’t exist!

      • Chafed

        That didn’t take long.

    • Hyperion

      Apparently, the Tuplae derelicts of the Gliberati really are on the Zoomz without pants, using doorstoppers on each other in ways we don’t even want to imagine! Ewww!!! Not even in SF’s worst nightmare of purple flying doomcocks from space!

      • Chipwooder

        Zooms Without Pants…..they sang the ’80s classic “Unsafety Dance”, didn’t they?

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        Hyp; that paragraph is so full of horrors, it is practically non-Euclidian.

    • Fourscore

      You can fool some of the people…

    • Gustave Lytton

      Taylor who?

      • R C Dean

        Some Nazi chick, I think.

      • Not Adahn

        You probably know her by her maiden name, T-Swizzle.

    • But first, the whores! Said Digby

      ♡clari
      @xbemyperson
      Replying to
      @SallyMayweather
      Taylor Swift, who has made $360M WORKING.
      She has worked A LOT to arrive where she is, and her career is definitely NOT about men. IS ABOUT, HER, HER LIFE, HER EXPERIENCES, AND HER WORK. You should read before saying things like this 🙂

      Relax…uh, clari–she’s probably gonna fuck you already, so, get off your steed.

    • Hyperion

      “Twitter will soon be irrelevant”

      Oh noes! How can I keep living!? Commie flu, losing all our freedoms and the economy destroyed was one thing! But NOT THAT!

      • UnCivilServant

        Wha’ts this “will soon be” nonsense? Twitter has always been irrelevent.

      • Tres Cool

        Please, please, make it so. I want Twitter to be less relevant than the……Fishin’ Magician.

        Akshually….that had a use. But Id love to see Jack in bankruptcy court.

      • Hyperion

        Actually, Jackie living in a cardboard box on the pee streets of San Fran, and it being made a reality show would be great. Prove how much he wants to pay for his life of white privilege at least.

        If you want to start a war, you should be ready to finish it, and if you can’t, ready to accept the consequences.

        I didn’t start a war on the normies, I wash my hands of all this.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Twitter IS irrelevant

  22. Dr. Fronkensteen

    I’m sure I am late to this but did Biden signal that he is secret Glib with his “get kids to market” remark.

    • Hyperion

      So, while you were in your ‘Zoomz’ with the rest of the Glib perverts, all you not wearing pants and playing with your ‘doorstoppers’, pervs!, Joe apparently had a flashback of Pedo Island with Epstein.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Are the Zoomies all trapped in a closet? Do they never see another soul? I pray for their continued existence, meanwhile, it’s golf at the park with people!

      • Hyperion

        Damnit! I wanna play this disc golf! I didn’t even know about it until you posted about it. I thought I had privilege!?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Get the Udisc app, then be blown away how many courses are near you,
        Come out and play, anyone can do it, its not power, its speed, and smooth

      • Hyperion

        Thanks, Yusef, I’m going to do that.

        Yeah, I was checking it out on the Youtube and I see even us old fuckers can still play. It’s not like when I was young and pitched baseball and could throw a football 60+ yards. Last thing I threw was some beer in the fridge. But I’m confident I can do OK, because it looks like fun! Wish I was near you, maybe we could hook up for some rounds.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Get a starter pack, online or at Walmart, they sell Innova, good stuff, 3 discs, all you need to begin,
        /carries 9 discs

    • Michael Bluth

      Though I guess that means I have privilege because I don’t have to think about it?

      • Gustave Lytton

        And because you’ve got a banana shack.

      • Chipwooder

        Stand! Banana stand…c’mon, man

      • Michael Bluth

        There’s always money in the banana stand.

      • Hyperion

        I don’t know this banana stand. But I’m a big fan of the coconut kiosk, because they always have cold beer.

      • Hyperion

        I wanna banana shack… wait, what?

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        Geeze, GL….dropped that one like a J. Reinhold trial TV show.

      • Hyperion

        This is all because these millennial brats didn’t get their asses whooped often as kids, like they should have. I guess the’re going to have to get it now instead before we can resume normal.

    • leon

      “When white parents can count on zero fingers the number of times our child has heard negative comments about their race, we have privilege”

      Someone hasn’t been in a public school in the last 30 years.

      • Chipwooder

        Damn your quick fingers, Leon!

      • Hyperion

        Maybe 40.

      • Jarflax

        I have heard a couple of dozen negatove comments on my race today just following links from here.

    • Chipwooder

      When white parents can count on zero fingers the number of times our child has heard negative comments about their race, we have privilege.

      America’s public schools 2020 say nothing but supportive, laudatory things about wypipo. It is known.

      • Hyperion

        This is not going to turn out how they think, with more racial equality and tolerance. Sad, but true. They actually want a race war. Probably will fail because most people are not that damn stupid, no matter what their race, but damn if they are not trying.

        Civil war, more likely, break of the USA, way more likely.

      • R C Dean

        What makes you think they want racial equality and tolerance?

    • Drake

      My privilege is not clicking all. I still have made a choice.

    • Chafed

      It’s too bad Derpetologist isn’t here to see this.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        I fear that may break him, it’s so shitty in it’s assumptions. As in, not only does she obviously not function in the real, modern world, she is also apprently the Amazing Kreskin, she tries to read minds so much.

  23. Gustave Lytton

    So in today’s announced deaths for the state, we have

    – someone who died 6/14

    – someone who died 5/6

    – someone who tested positive 6/28 and died 6/20

    – someone who died in TX 7/12, who tested positive two weeks prior let somehow traveled to Texas… and this is being counted as an Oregon death because….?

    https://www.oregonlive.com/news/2020/07/coronavirus-in-oregon-state-officials-report-282-cases-and-four-deaths-on-wednesday-as-infection-rates-rise-week-by-week.html

    • Jarflax

      ABC
      Always
      Be
      Covid!

      Put down the damn coffee! Coffee is for Covid!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        ABC
        Always
        Be
        Charging

    • straffinrun

      Any outlet that reports the death rate without also telling the infection rate can lick my ?. Lies by omission are textbook propaganda tools.

  24. Don Escaped both Landslides

    “This one should be a lot easier as our poll numbers are rising fast, the economy is getting better, vaccines and therapeutics will soon be on the way, and Americans want safe streets and communities!” the president added.

    a major campaign shake-up in the general election for Trump is hardly unprecedented. In 2016, Trump had three campaign managers: Corey Lewandowski, who ran Trump’s primary campaign and was removed ahead of the conventions; Paul Manafort, who ran Trump’s campaign during the convention and then was removed, and is now currently serving jail time for charges stemming from former Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation; and Kellyanne Conway, who led the campaign through the general election to Trump’s victory.

    Why do I hafta keep firing these great, great management picks I made?!11!?

    • leon

      I’ve been saying that for a while.

    • Hyperion

      *Inside Oval Office, cabinets filling with beer, shelves loading up with bourbon, prepares presidential sofa for Bannon*

      The polls are fucking bullshit. They have Biden up by 8 in FL, up in TX, and leading in Indiana, Missouri, and Georgia. They’ve lost their fucking minds, or you know, now they’re not even trying to not lie. Biden is going to lose by a little more than Hillary did, and that’s if the election was held today.

  25. Jarflax

    A couple of you guys were talking about Columbo the other day and I am trying to be less engaged with current events so I started watching them. I had forgotten how entertaining they were. The power of humility is a very interesting power for a character.

    • UnCivilServant

      It’s still a fun show.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Yep. Love it too.

    • straffinrun

      Mom was right. I sat too close to the TV while watching Columbo and went cross eyed.

      • UnCivilServant

        You picking on Peter Falk’s glass eye?

      • straffinrun

        Let’s talk about his hairy palms.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        Hmmm….nah–touchy subject, really.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Columbo taught me I tied my shoes backwards, he was right,
      True story

    • Gender Traitor

      I have fond memories of Columbo. My mother adored him.

      • straffinrun

        Columbo > Matlock

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Perry Mason, that is all……………

      • UnCivilServant

        Both Mason and Matlock fail when it comes to court procedure.

        They’d have been hled in contempt or even disbarred for their shenanigans.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        But Perry had Paul with cool phone, and Stella, oh my………

  26. straffinrun

    Thx Derp.

  27. Yusef drives a Kia

    Big float tomorrow at 3 PM, join us!

    • straffinrun

      Honestly thought you were having a parade.

  28. straffinrun

    Gotta admit I’d rather party with Hunter than Don Jr.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      But you really want to party with me!
      /Tall cans and Kayaks!

      • straffinrun

        *Flips upside down, smashes face against boulder, floats lifelessly down whitewater*

        I knew my life would end this way.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Nahh, we just float and get drunk, you would fit right in Straff

      • straffinrun

        ?

      • Hyperion

        I used to float rivers a lot. We’d just put one truck downstream where we thought we could make the float in a day. Interesting stories, lots of them.

      • straffinrun

        Same. At 8 y/o my friends and I would get tubes from the gas station and float down the Chippewa every day of summer vacation. Not an adult around.

    • Hyperion

      Don’t know Hunter or Don Jr, but I don’t think I could be in a room with SloJo without doing bad things that would land me in prison for life. I can’t even think of worse scum unless we’re going Pol Pot or Hillary.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I’m assuming you’re referring to Fred Dryer. Agreed, if Stepfanie Kramer is there.

      • Sean

        ??

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        Oooooooohhh! Yeah, I read through these so intermittently that I forgot this one was about the Jrs.

        Gustave is, of course, correct.

  29. Yusef drives a Kia

    Tomorrow should be fun, My G kids are going on my Island, and we will tow it with 2 kayaks, oldest G son and I towing Mom and the younguns, stop at the island, then sail to the park and order McDonald’s, a fun day ahead!

    • Hyperion

      Sounds like fun!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        yep! 2 vehicles and your in! we also live right in the Big Bend of the River, so we can do a big float about 10 minutes in and out, even though we are on the River for hours..

  30. straffinrun

    Just remember: if you wear the correct mask and follow CDC recommendations, you don’t have to worry about spilling the sarin.

    • Hyperion

      Is the CDC still somewhat more reputable than the CHICOMWHO, eerr, I mean the WHO?

      • straffinrun

        Who knows? They both are making economic decisions based on their understanding of biology.

      • Hyperion

        I still remember when we used to hire representatives to make economic decisions at the state and federal levels. I mean back when we were still in the ‘A republic if you can keep it’ phase of the republic.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        We can’t keep it, bummer………..

  31. Yusef drives a Kia

    I’m just going to focus on the River for now, Masks are for fools, the River is fun, but Deadly, unlike the CCP Virus,

  32. straffinrun

    Why should I stop saying inappropriate things online? I’m already fucked if the mob took a gander.

    • straffinrun

      Face it, boys, you’re only as good as your most offensive post.

    • Hyperion

      I’d rather go down with the ship and create a new ship from the debris.

      • straffinrun

        You get the flotsam
        I get the jetsam
        Fish out a mermaid
        And both of us will get some.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      If thats the case, we are all fucked Straff

      • straffinrun

        Rather be here than there.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I have guns, you have………?

      • straffinrun

        Bitterness.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Wife brought home goya from the market?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        When the Shit goes down, and it will, be glad you aren’t here, but be sad that one country that follows Democratic values Dies, You Country is next,

  33. Hyperion

    Fauci a WHO stooge?

    What? Fauci a WHO stooge? Who would have ever suspected that? What happened to BirkenWokenScarfenstein? She die of the plague?

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Fauci a WHO stooge? You didn’t’ watch Plandemic? He’s making bank off this shit,

    • Gustave Lytton

      WTF are WH staff writing op ed pieces about infighting and staff feuds? Juvenile and unprofessional.

      The one real criticism buried in there is that Fauci has been in his position for 36 years. That is part of the real problem with him, but gets glossed over in favor of cheap shots and dumbshittery that makes his critics look even worse but achieves maximum feelz.

      • Hyperion

        “Fauci has been in his position for 36 years.”

        Sort of like a lot of democrats? I see pattern.

      • Hyperion

        I also hate the media’s claims of ‘most respected’ and all that shit. By whom? Reminds me of the ‘America’s sweetheart and American’s team bullshit’. CNN level trash.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I guarantee that the entire public, other than some AIDS activists and medical researchers in the same professional orbit, had no clue who Fauci was before February.

  34. straffinrun

    Don’t think I’m wearing this mask correctly. Keep making skid marks.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I Will Not Comply, I plead COPD Fuck off!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        And I can’t breathe with a mask on

      • Hyperion

        Wear the cheapest most comfy one you can. That’s what I’m doing. Probably a bandana with pirate skull faces is best.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        I saw a lady with a lace one.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        Go on….

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        She was a bit odd but it looked kinda cool.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        A li’l see-thru, lace mask, eh?

        I just imagine that imagery becoming the norm, uslurping usurping lingerie, as COVID redefines society

    • Gustave Lytton

      will not comply = commando?

      • Hyperion

        Only if you wear the de-commandoed as your mask.

    • Chafed

      Fart filtering is an underappreciated aspect of mask wearing.

    • But first, the whores! Said Digby

      Hah! I always knew you were a brown-noser…

  35. Chafed

    Now they’re just making it up.

    • Hyperion

      They’ve been making it up for a long time, people are just starting to notice.

    • KSuellington

      They just keep doubling down with this shit, it seems like the crapshow only gets worse. I’m fearing that this mask bullshit is with us for years at this point. I found out today that almost certainly school won’t be starting for the kids. Distance learning, are you fucking joking? How about reducing my property taxes? Hahahaha. yes, I know.

      • Hyperion

        “I’m fearing that this mask bullshit is with us for years at this point.”

        Um, I’ve posted about this a couple of times this week. They’re basically saying that the masks and lock downs and the end of your freedoms as you know them, is forever. I won’t repost the links, I don’t have to, because you’ll see them soon if you already have not.

      • KSuellington

        It’s scary and terrible to see, as we all know. I just hope it backfires big time on the central planners, there needs to be pushback.

      • Hyperion

        “How about reducing my property taxes?”

        Property taxes are unconstitutional, period.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I had some stupid fucks come down my little street a while back, Ozy hooked me up, Safety!

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      If the BLM comes around here, it won’t be pretty

    • Hyperion

      The left elite do not care how many of their useful idiots die. And it’s going to happen, they just hope it’s to their advantage.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Sure. Always need martyrs. Julius and Ethel are still revered by the commies here.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        The Rosenburgs were Traitors and deserved to die, fuck them,.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Someone on the street was singing Tiny Dancer just now, not soberly but well.

      Don’t you have to get up early?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I’m so all over the map, I get up whenever nowadays, it’s bad

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        Hold me closer, Tony Danza.

    • Plinker762

      Needs some Heavy Metal work on the graphics

  36. Yusef drives a Kia

    I need to talk to someone, I hate being alone,

    • Akira

      You know you’re never alone on Glibs, bruh.

      What’s on your mind?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Thanks but more like Toxteth Call me!

    • salted earth

      I don’t understand…being against abortion is a corporate conspiracy and now the COVID discussion is about abortion too? I don’t think I’m tall enough for this ride.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        Yeah, most death cults have made far more sense than this one.

        Made sense != sane, btw.

      • salted earth

        When do they drink the Flavor-Aide because I tired of this s#%t.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        ^THIS!^

        FFS, can we just get on with it???

      • Plinker762

        Kind of makes me wish the CCPV really was deadly

      • Gustave Lytton

        I want grape. No way am I going out on cherry or orange.

      • salted earth

        fruit punch!

  37. But first, the whores! Said Digby

    “For Viacom to be so deceptive is no surprise; they have been mistreating and robbing our community for years, underpaying talent on their biggest brands like Love & Hip Hop, all of BET programming and of course, Wild ‘N Out.”

    It was probably the Jews, Nick. D’ya ever think of that???

    Seriously, though–if you knew they were this bad, why’d you agree to continually do business with them? At some point (presuming anyone believes your lyin’ ass), you were, essentially, agreeing with their methods and actions.

    • salted earth

      I think that kid could handle an alcoholic beverage.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I think that kid could kick my dad’s ass.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        I agree, s.e.

        Obe…I’ll reserve judgment, since I don’t know your dad, and mine’s been dead for 45 years, as of May.

    • salted earth

      In seven years he’ll be lying about his age to enlist.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        In seven years, I wouldn’t be surprised if one or more branches would want and need him (at the current rate of things).

  38. Akira

    There needs to be a “what are we paying you for” discussion with the CDC. They’ve spent decades researching things that have nothing to do with communicable diseases (obesity, cigarette smoking, gun violence) but then get caught with their pants down when an actual pandemic occurs.

    • salted earth

      Totally agree. My guess is that anyone who brings it up will be called a conspiracy nut.

    • Gustave Lytton

      For the past forty years, communicable diseases has been minor garden variety diseases, disease in the third world, and AIDS. There’s really been no experience of a wide ranging pandemic that can’t been controlled and has a lot of question marks around it.

      The larger public health field is even more of a disaster. Less to do with health and more to do with leftist ideas and schemes.

      • Gustave Lytton

        *cant be easily controlled

    • But first, the whores! Said Digby

      I would imagine that most people presume they are working on the biological/physical side of things, not the psychological.

      Please; get back to dealing with microbes and viruses and shit, and leave the behavioral stuff to Dr. Phil people trained to deal with mental health.

  39. Yusef drives a Kia

    I’m losing it again,
    My Wendy , my Love, my entire Life, Gone,
    Fuck!

    • salted earth

      Breathe… breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I thank you, but I’m OK, just needed to let that out,

  40. Yusef drives a Kia

    Don’t like it, but I’m registering Republican, Shit is going to blow up, may as well pick sides, I’ll choose the gun side,
    not just AZ, but the sticks, we carry,

  41. Gustave Lytton

    Holy shit! How did I miss that the Bonhomme Richard has been on fire for 5 days now. Must be vid. Temperature over 100.5 is one of the symptoms, right?

    • But first, the whores! Said Digby

      C’mon–the country is going into “dumpster fire” territory. A naval ship on fire is bupkis.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        So, it was the Klingons!!

  42. Gustave Lytton

    Beretta APX .40 for $159 at Cabelas. But sold out. And neither a caliber nor a gun I like.

    • But first, the whores! Said Digby

      Hey–.40 kicks ass.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        Beretta, though….yeah, my Die Hard fanboi days have been ruined since trying out a 92.

      • Sean

        92x compact. Do it.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        I’d much rather have a Sig.

      • But first, the whores! Said Digby

        And, dammit, Palmetto State Armory! Get on with releasing the PS9 Dagger, will ya?!?

      • Sean

        ^^^

    • Sean

      I’d buy that lil ugly ass piece at that price.

    • Festus' Mustache

      Just so long as there is plenty of P.E. I’m assuming that Scott is the Great Grandson Of Charles “How I Made A Man Out Of Mac” Atlas.

    • But first, the whores! Said Digby

      BIN’d!!

    • Gender Traitor

      Men should limit alcohol to 1 drink a day

      Luckily for you, I don’t see a definition or quantification of “drink.”

      (Luckily for me, it doesn’t apply to women!)

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        Tall cans?!

        Mornin’, Lady GT.

      • Gender Traitor

        Howdy, JD! It’s usually tall bottles for me.

      • Gender Traitor

        Mornin’, UCS.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        Mornin’ UCS. I haven’t been and read the latest story to fall out of your portable storage device yet.

      • UnCivilServant

        When you get around to it let me know what you think.

        I am getting close to the point where output will pick up speed and I can wrap up the short story I’m working on. Finishing anything usually gives a motivation boost to go back and tackle another project.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        That fella from the Backstreet Boys has really stepped up his game.

      • Gender Traitor

        Ackshooilly a fellow we stumbled across last summer at a songwriters-in-the-round show in a park in St. Ignace (the locals pronounce it “Snigness,”) Michigan, just over the big bridge in the Upper Peninsula. Good times!

      • Festus' Mustache

        I’m a larger, swarthier version of Yusef. Guys like us that are very active throw those studies for a loop. It can catch up with you but we all gotta go someday.

    • JD is in the United Karendom

      If I don’t drink for three weeks, it stands to reason that 21 drinks is perfectly healthy in one day.

      • Trigger Hippie

        You just scienced the shit outta that comment, yo.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        Hypothesis dropped. Tomorrow is Friday! Let’s test it!

      • Trigger Hippie

        I’d love to but I must work on Saturday. Keeping it to 3-4 beers a night until then…guess you’ll just have to drink those extra 17-18 beers in my stead.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        It must be done. For science.

      • Festus' Mustache

        “I am Spartacus!”

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        *Denzel “MY N****A” meme*

        Yes, many good times to that one. Stinkin’-ass bitches, they need to wash up!

      • Trigger Hippie

        Yep, yep. That used to be on the pre-party/driving to the rave set list.

        *holds out hand full of ecstasy and acid*

        Wanna candyflip then go to the show?

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        As fun as that might be, in the immortal words of Danny Glover, “I’m too old for this shit”.

    • Festus' Mustache

      That style of music is just terrible and you should go to the box and feel shame. Either that or I just got old and don’t understand what “with it” means anymore… Nonsense! It’s the children that are wrong.

      • Festus' Mustache

        Thirty years ago that handful of E and acid didn’t stand a chance.

    • Festus' Mustache

      Pray the spray away?

    • Festus' Mustache

      Doesn’t matter. Nobody in MSM will report on it and the voices from the wilderness will be #cancelled.

  43. Festus' Mustache

    All this bullshit over a lost election… If I were an American I’d vote straight R ticket just to poke those assholes in the asshole. KANCHO!

    • Sean

      This is all about bringing fucking socialism to everyone. Which is why it’s so coordinated and widespread.

      • Festus' Mustache

        They are sitting on pocket aces. Everything appears to be in their favor before the flop so they are going all-in.

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t think so.

        I suspect they believed they were in that siutation in 2016, and are trying to cheat even harder.

      • Festus' Mustache

        This time the dealer might be dealing off the bottom of the deck. That is my primary worry.

  44. Lackadaisical

    Please let this happen. I don’t want to see this country if Biden (or rather, whoever is behind him) wins

    • Festus' Mustache

      It’d be akin to me breaking Grandma’s prized china tea cup when I was 6 and her bursting into tears but instead of saying sorry I told her that property is theft and she didn’t deserve to own the thing that her own Grandmother gave her. This is our reality. Right this fucking instant.

  45. leon

    Where are my links?

    • Festus' Mustache

      Look left or check the bowl, my Dude.