Space Force Moffs Deny Rumors of Death Star Cost Overruns

by | Jul 6, 2020 | Satire | 351 comments

WASHINGTON DC – In an open session of the Armed Services Committee today, senators grilled Space Force moffs for hours. One of the more contentious issues was the so-called “Alderaan” whistleblower, whose leaked report indicated a fatal flaw in the design of the Death Star space defense superiority system. “Am I to understand that this moon-sized armored battle station could be destroyed by a weapon one billionth its size fired by a ship one ten millionth its size?” asked Senator Jim Inhofe. “Hypothetically, theoretically, yes”, replied Grand Moff Tarkin “but only if enemy spies were able to retrieve the secret plans.” “Which are are available on Wikileaks.” said Senator Graham, “I’m looking at them right now, in fact. There’s even a warning of the exposed exhaust port and the chain reaction a lucky strike could cause.” “Well, surely our engineers meant to fix that later,” said Grand Moff Tarkin. “The note says ‘if they shoot here, we’re screwed”, said Senator Inhofe. “Enough of that. Let’s move on to this planet-destroying superlaser. Now, my understanding is that lasers are focused beams of light, which would therefore move at the speed of light. And given the vast distances of outer space, it could take hours, days, or years for the laser to reach its intended target. By which time the planet would have moved out of the way or the enemy on the planet could have vacated”, said Senator Inhofe. “That is correct, Senator, but you must remember that this weapon is intended as a show of force, shock and awe if you will” said Grand Moff Tarkin, “expensive though it may be, it’s an investment that will pay off as well as provide jobs in every congressional district. The Chinese and Russians are building up in orbit. Senator, we cannot afford a giant superlaser space battle station gap.” “All well and good”, said Senator Inhofe, “but there’s still the issue of the appalling marksmanship among Space Force stormtroopers. Is it the helmets? Because those guys can’t hit a barn door if they were holding the handle. Furthermore, what use would infantry be in space combat? Do you intend to send boarding parties onto alien vessels? And lastly, I have right here a bid from the ACME corporation for an illudium Q-36 exploding space modulator, which is no larger than a stick of dynamite and perfectly capable of destroying a planet. Now what do you have to say to that?” Grand Moff Tarkin slowly waved his hand through the air and said “you will dismiss this hearing…you will appropriate funds for our budget…I have pictures of you going down on Jabba the Hutt…” Senator Inhofe then hurriedly banged the gavel and adjourned the meeting.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

351 Comments

  1. l0b0t

    Loved it, Derpy. I’m gonna go get Chinese food and sit on the beach for a spell.

    • westernsloper

      ? get sand in your your toes for me.

      • westernsloper

        – one your

      • Bobarian LMD

        Stroke?

      • westernsloper

        I looked for a toes in sand song and got this.

      • westernsloper

        I saw that but confused his work with somebody else and skipped it. I won’t say that made me a Zac brown fan but I watched the video. He wears shorts the same length I do. When in my yard of course. Country music is a weird thing to me. I live in mostly country music country but I am not in the loop. I used to be a big Jimmy Buffet fan because he was the only one singing about being a vagabond on the ocean and that is what I always wanted to be. He threw some beach drinking songs in there and got famous. Now we have some trying to go that route and I dont know them and they are all party songs which was pretty much Buffets shtick as well.

      • pistoffnick

        Zac is the short, stout, bearded dude playing the guitar. I dunno who the skinny guy in short shorts is. I used to be able to do that flip to your feet from the flat-on-your-back position (about a 100 lbs ago)

        I like boats, and beaches, and gin and tonics. and bikinis.

      • westernsloper

        Damn. And I know the lyrics and it nerver came to mind.

      • pistoffnick

        Man, I haven’t heard that in years. Thanks.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        ::secret fist bump for nick::

  2. westernsloper

    Didn’t see the Jabba ending cumming.

  3. Sean

    Marvin the Martian for president 2020.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      He’s got my vote.

  4. Ted S.

    The Death Star is a series of tubes, isn’t it?

    • Bobarian LMD

      It’s the internet?

  5. Adama, Yusef Adama

    Elon would do it cheaper

  6. Scruffy Nerfherder

    The stormtroopers were excellent marksmen until they lowered the standards so as to achieve diversity requirements.

    Or so I heard.

    • Rhywun

      +1 aren’t you a little short

      • Spudalicious

        Not enough nutrients in the cloning tank?

      • TARDIS

        Mom smoked and drank through her pregnancy. How is that my fault?

      • Spudalicious

        I think you’re just misunderstood. Here, take your blaster back and go on about your business.

  7. Scruffy Nerfherder

    How expensive are the toilet bowl seats on the Death Star? Do clones even poop?

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      (virtually) No clones on the Death Star. They had been phased out rather qui–

      What?? Don’t give me that look!

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Empire was “Humans First”, so I doubt they made any room for those insects after Palps went Emperor.

    • westernsloper

      I have only been to one “legal” nude beach. Haulover in FL. Ya, I strutted some westernslope hog there. It made the surf settle to calm and the tide rose due to member gravity. I had to leave before I flooded the place and A1A was undrivable.

      • Rhywun

        Been to one in NJ. There was one guy strutting around that would have put you to shame.

      • westernsloper

        We talking flaccid mid thigh, knee Or Long Dong Silver at upper calf?

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      That was the most CJ article yet, CJ.

    • westernsloper

      Exactly!

    • UnCivilServant

      Who’s more Nerdy – the nerds or the nerds who hang out with them?

    • Crusty Juggler

      Write a story from the perspective of Alan Dershowitz’s formerly free, but now enslaved, big fat Jewish penis.

      • Derpetologist

        Eh, that’s more Sugarfree’s territory.

      • Crusty Juggler

        Fuck his territory. Invade that shit. His defenses are weak.

        While I neither have the time or inclination to write this way, there is an angle – much like the angle of Dersh’s big fat Jewish hog points – to write about it dissimilar to the maignot line-esque SugarFree.

        It’s a peen trapped yearning to taste the freedom it once enjoyed!

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        You DON’T have the inclination???

  8. Don Escaped both Landslides

    NewWife will have low country boil done in a minute

    * cracks Shiner *

    • westernsloper

      Not being from the South I can only imagine a “low country boil” would have hogs feet in it.

      • Don Escaped both Landslides

        hogs feet

        they’re hidden in the sausage

        for us:
        shrimp
        sausage
        new potatoes
        corn

      • pistoffnick

        One of the best meals I have ever had was at a wharf in Seattle. They placed a piece of butcher paper over the table. They gave us a bib and a nut cracker. Then they dumped about 5 gallons of seafood and potatoes and corn on top of the table. Me and my coworker ate ourselves silly.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Boil is tomorrow night for us. Walla walla sweets are finally in season again. Assholes at Safeway tried to mix in the remaining Vidalias.

    • Sean

      Of course, I’m growing two plants of these…

      • BakedPenguin

        Noice. I sent both those links to my bro, ho’s growing his own chiles.

      • pistoffnick

        Your brutha is a ho?

        I mean at least it’s an honest living (unlike being a politician)

  9. Timeloose

    Very Derpy.

    I read the title as Space Force MOFO’s

  10. kinnath

    Today was a furlough day.

    So, I got out to play golf with my father. Eighteen hole is in 2 hours, 50 minutes.

    I love Iowa.

    • Adama, Yusef Adama

      Quite a snappy round!

      • kinnath

        90+ degrees; high humidity. We was riding in carts. And the course was pretty much empty.

    • Fourscore

      Good for you and your dad. I’m guessing Pops is no spring chicken and you had to try to slow him down a bit. You’re a good son, K.

      • kinnath

        My father probably plays 300 rounds a year. I can’t keep up with him.

      • Adama, Yusef Adama

        Heh….

  11. Sean

    Gf is busy red pilling her sister on the phone. Much amusement.

    Downside is I might be taking the sister and her husband to the range.

    • R C Dean

      Apparently, a portfolio full of TSLA.

      • AlmightyJB

        I don’t get it. Maybe everybody knows those corporate subsidies are going to be astronomical.

    • BakedPenguin

      DIS is at ~$115 a share, and highly overpriced there. I’m not buying puts on it, b/c that’s a company with lots of “friends” in DC (and to be fair, a company with a ass-ton of goodwill and non-physical assets ).

  12. Derpetologist

    Big Boy restaurants replace iconic mascot with obscure character named Dolly
    A character from the restaurant’s old comic books will replace the Big Boy.

    https://www.foxnews.com/food-drink/big-boy-replaces-mascot-obscure-character

    They have a restaurant named Big Boy and their brilliant plan is to make the mascot a little girl.

    I guess I’m just not cut out to be a marketing genius like these guys.

    • UnCivilServant

      They decided that improving the food was too much work.

    • creech

      Maybe Big Boy can start dating Wendy?

    • Mojeaux

      My first paycheck job was at Shoney’s (Big Boy’s, if anyone’s wondering about the connection).

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Really? ‘Cuz we had both in the area–at differing times–and I never saw a connection.

        The BB closest to me growing up was a “Kip’s” BB.

    • Rhywun

      The name will always be Big Boy

      problematic

    • Chipwooder

      We live in the dumbest of times. Just change the name of the fucking place then.

  13. SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

    Pink slips started going out today at my company. Rumors are that my department is going to be in the 15 or 20% reduction range.

    I don’t think I’m on the cut list, but I also don’t think this is the only round of layoffs that are going to happen this year.

    I think the rainy day cash is starting to run out in some of the more vulnerable F500 companies. Aren’t we officially supposed to enter a recession sometime this week? Funny how we don’t hear much about the economy these days.

    • RAHeinlein

      Sorry to hear this – wishing the best for you.

    • creech

      What’s with the stockmarket? NASDAQ hit a new high today. Aren’t the smaller corporations supposed to be more vulnerable to the economic shutdown? You’d think their worth would be plunging much more than the big corporations which have cash reserves and assets that can be pledged for loans.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        It makes me want to attempt to time the market, but the market can stay irrational longer than I can stay solvent.

      • Jarflax

        ^yep. It makes a good fantasy to be sitting on a stack of puts the day the crash hits, and cash in just in time to ride the steep side of the recovery, but gambling is gambling and the odds are not in your favor. There will be a crash at some point, there will likely be a steep v recovery because the market always over reacts on the crash side. And if you try to cash in on it you will bleed your cash to oblivion before the market cashes you in.

      • Don Escaped both Landslides

        yup: and long puts aren’t cheap anyway

        I’m out: with all the market manipulation, there is no investing to be done, only speculating

      • westernsloper

        I am one of the more stupiderist of Glibs in pretty much all things except, how was it put to me once? Making wood stick together. I brushed that off. I started buying stocks in the late 90’s because I read smart people even though I am an idiot who can only make wood stick together. At one point I got sick of paying attention because the fuck nuts who make the stock market do what it does are irrational idiots or it is all manipulated. I cashed in after the next super drop I saw moved back up over nothing and have never looked back. Fuck trading. I put money there every month in an IRA because what else you going to do but I gave up on buying stocks. Then again I sold Netflix in the 2000’s when I bought it in the 90’s so maybe I am an idiot who can only make wood stick together.

      • Fourscore

        It’s an Army blanket and pair of bones these days. There will be a day or two or three of reckoning and like a dumb ass I’ll just stay, watch and cry.

    • AlmightyJB

      Been there. Hope you make it through the cuts.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Yep. And sales at many other companies that aren’t directly weak will start to reflect the domino effects.

      Our CEO seems to be pivoting from this will all be over by summer and back to BAU to this will depress revenue for a long time. There also seems to be a bit of steel in the concern for personal health as covid infections are starting to rise in the employee population. I wouldn’t be surprised if acquiring it will a disciplinary offense soon (you should have done X, Y, or Z or not done A, B, or C).

      • pistoffnick

        “…acquiring it (Corona Virus) will a disciplinary offense soon…”

        Yep. I saw a company communication intimating just this. If you get it, you have done bad. Your actions outside of company time impact the company, so OBEY.

        Look, mange, if I’m on the clock 24-7, I best be paid 24-7. Where my money, bitch?

    • Mojeaux

      Good luck, Trashy.

    • DEG

      Hopefully you get through this.

    • The Last American Hero

      If you see Jeff Probst in the conference room it’s time to worry.

    • Spudalicious

      Hold strong, trashy. Fingers crossed.

    • Don Escaped both Landslides

      vulnerable F500 companies

      Yup: the jig’s up on some programs; all the $T haven’t landed or lubricated yet. I suspect I’m done with this job as soon as the Trumpbucks are gone: usually I’m special, especially on the knowledge/cost ratio, but I took this gig to help someone else expand . . . but there’s no expanding going on so I don’t see why they need me.

      I’m seeing serious clients/targets stagger; JCB is the most stunning to me based on their people/experience/intellectual capital/quality model. Long-time employees are getting hit, so there’s no where to hide.

      I don’t expect to get another bite at the apple and am already hunkering down for the long haul.

    • DEG

      We open with a RealDoll.

    • Fourscore

      Terrifying. Miss 3 meals and everyone is a terrorist.

    • kinnath

      I want to believe that I am a paranoid, old fool. That I live out in the middle nowhere because I like looking at corn. That having locked cabinets with multiple firearms and ammo is no different than having multiple bows and dozens of arrows I use in the backyard for fun.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        In the 90s, I taught a lot of Bosniak and Kosovar refugees. They told me that the cities were the (relatively) safe places, and that the majority of the horrors occurred out in the countryside. In that context, I can see it. Villagers living hand to mouth under communism finally getting a chance to release their pent-up frustration with Balkan-style ethnic grudges.

      • Chipwooder

        Nobody can hate like the Balkans. Ever met a Bosnian Serb? Oof.

      • kinnath

        It could happen here I suppose with all the Germans, Swedes, Norwegians, Poles, Czechs, and Irish that pretty much settled town by town in Iowa.

        Except, we are all intermarried for several generations now.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Except, we are all intermarried for several generations now.

        In a nutshell, this is why America works.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Another movie that couldn’t be made today.

    • Drake

      That was me with the Bracken story. The combination of that story, lefties who think bolt-action “hunting rifles” aren’t dangerous, and the fact that long range precision shooting is a fast growing event – all together kind of amuse me.

  14. Mojeaux

    Derpy, very cute!

    • Fourscore

      Derp, I was about 2/3 of the way through before I looked to see who the author was. I was not even skeptical, almost like’s Reagan’s program. Thanks and good job.

    • westernsloper

      I am not sure that is accurate. If it was a cousin? A strong maybe.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Why so judgemental?

      • Jarflax

        His step sister is not hot?
        Racism?
        Covering an unhealthy interest in the subject matter?
        Common decency?

      • westernsloper

        Exactly!

    • Count Potato

      See, I clicked on that link because half black lives matter.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Thank you for your service.

      • pistoffnick

        I AM OFFENDED! MY DAUGHTER IS ONLY 1/4 BLACK. DOES HER LIFE MATTER?

      • Chipwooder

        Quadroon Lives Matter

  15. hayeksplosives

    Good work, Derp. You certainly know your audience: hard-core nerdy libertarians.

    • hayeksplosives

      Real life “space force” would be much more like the Imperial Senate in its corrupt conception, but socialists imagine only the onesie pajamas and “credit” system of Star Trek Next Gen.

      • RAHeinlein

        They eliminated poverty – did you miss the Mark Twain episode?

      • UnCivilServant

        “We redefined it away.”

      • Jarflax

        They eliminated poverty by putting all the poors to work in the dilithium mines.

      • hayeksplosives

        The downside to ending orphan supply

    • hayeksplosives

      I was thinking about genders and English, and where the dominant or only term is male.

      “Bachelor of Science” is an example. What would be the equivalent for women in that tradition, “Spinster of Science”?!

      I thought “What utter poppycock!” for about half a second before I realized how cool it would sound to be a “Spinster of Science”!!

      • Chipwooder

        Super Sport, hell yeah!

      • Count Potato

        Mistress of Science?

      • hayeksplosives

        Wouldn’t that equal Master?

      • Spudalicious

        No. You’re a chick, so it’s a half step lower. 😛

      • hayeksplosives

        Why-I-oughtta!!

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Not even 3/5??

        Harsh, Spud….harsh.

      • Jarflax

        Bachelor was a rank not a marital condition. I think the equivalent would have been Dame of Science, which actually sounds pretty awesome

      • Gustave Lytton

        Bachelor was a rank not a marital condition.

        The days of the MRS degree are gone as well, I think.

      • hayeksplosives

        When I got married in an East Caribbean island (British), his “occupation” was bachelor, and mine was spinster on the forms.

      • Jarflax

        Bachelor as in the degree comes from the lowest rank of chivalry. A bachelor was a newly made knight who had not been inducted into an order of chivalry.

      • hayeksplosives

        I have a Masters degree of science.

        I will answer to Dame. I was Madam Megawatt to a generation of engineers who are now mostly retired.

      • Gustave Lytton

        “I have a master degree”

        “…IN SCIENCE”

        still cracks me up.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        If we’re going by the actual etymology of the phrase, the feminine counterpart of a BA/BS would be a “Dame’s Degree”.

      • leon

        The Double D?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

      • DEG

        I could go for that.

      • Cannoli

        My alma mater used to give Mistress of Patience degrees to grad students’ wives. I think it would be cool to have one of those.

    • Count Potato

      I’m no geneticist, but her friend is an idiot.

    • Rhywun

      ??‍♂️

    • grrizzly

      23andme recalculated my results, again, and now claims that I’m more Native American than Elizabeth Warren. I’m not.

      • UnCivilServant

        But you just need 1/1023th

      • Jarflax

        Insert obligatory joke about Red Russians

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        One of the ones that got left behind from the Alaskan land bridge?

      • grrizzly

        It was always pleasant to talk to Native Alaskan ladies in Russian Orthodox churches in Alaska. They were happy to recount a one-in-a-lifetime trip to Moscow to see their patriarch.

    • BakedPenguin

      Yet.

    • pistoffnick

      This man, Kinnath, is a prophet.

      • BakedPenguin

        Yeah. I kind of missed the joke and then hit it on-the-nose.

    • Count Potato

      I’m all for it!

      (Please notice my account was hacked, and this isn’t me.)

    • Chafed

      Please tell me that’s real.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        I do think it is. Oh, to be a field videographer these days. Even for CNN, the camermen get to see some sh- er, stuff.

      • C. Anacreon

        I liked the hip hop reply,
        “California…..knows how to potty.”

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        It’s just so apropos for CNN.

  16. UnCivilServant

    🙁 I bought bananas planning to make banana bread, but forgot to get eggs.

    • salted earth

      That’s what neighbors are for. 😉

      • Jarflax

        The idea of talking to neighbors is fowl. I think I’d chicken out.

      • Mojeaux

        But what if you’re really peckish?

      • Tejicano

        But if you get it from your neighbors you won’t have to shell out for it youself

      • straffinrun

        Which came first, the neighbor or the egg?

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Man, cluck off with these chicken-shit puns.

      • straffinrun

        I was using double entendre. Much fancier.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        No, your’s didn’t stick in my craw, straff. It’s Cock of the Walk

    • UnCivilServant

      What happened to the five pound bags of sugar? Why are they all four pounds now?

      • Jarflax

        Inflation must be hidden at all costs! The plebes are too stupid to realize that less at the same price is the same thing as the same amount at a higher price.

      • Count Potato

        The same happened with tuna, ice cream, etc.

      • UnCivilServant

        Getting less per package causes me more trouble than paying more per package but getting the same quantity.

        *sigh*

        Well, we’ll see if grocery delivery works. Somwhow I got the 9-10 am spot for tomorrow.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Toilet paper. Have a roll of Charmin Megaroll from a month before corona to recent purchase. Noticeably smaller in every dimension.

      • Don Escaped both Landslides

        and candy bars: remember the huge ones when we were kids?

        soft drinks got bigger: min6/6.5, 10, 12 (Double Cola!), 16, 32, 44

      • Gustave Lytton

        I liked soda and beer cans better without the wide mouth opening.

      • Don Escaped both Landslides

        Cereal boxes are half the size they were fifty years ago. The cereal aisle is about the same size, but the brands and frontings have tripled. The smaller boxes serve several purposes.

    • Spudalicious

      Storage bags with insertion points?

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      Isn’t it customary to just let it flow free, right then and there?

    • Grumbletarian

      I bet he has some great theme music.

    • Festus' Mustache

      The wee pot to piss in is hanging right there.

  17. UnCivilServant

    Doubling back to my question from the afternoon links (thank you to the people who answered. I got pulled away from the computer)

    Genetically is auburn more a red or a brown in the way it inherits/expresses?

    • Gender Traitor

      My understanding is that auburn leans more toward brown than standard red hair does, but not so dark that it would be described as “mahogany.”

      I weighed in with my $0.02 on the red hair genetics question you’d asked, but it was right before the thread died.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m back to the debate on whether or not Svetlana could even be Dug’s wife.

    • Adama, Yusef Adama

      As one of a line of Red heads with Black and Blonde mixed in , I would say Copper Reds (me and Wendy) made a Copper Girl and a Blonde Boy, who grew to Auburn as an adult,

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, I know that canonically, Dug is Blonde, and two of his children are blond as adults.

        Svetlana is auburn, her parents have black and auburn, her brothers had black and copper.

        I don’t know whether the genes would work for Svetlana to end up with Dug. So I don’t know whether it would include or exclude the possibility.

      • UnCivilServant

        All of the research indicates that red is recessive to Blond, so that doesn’t rule out Svetlana.

        Reasoning – While Vladimir (Svetlana’s father) has black hiar, we know he carries Recessive red (copper) which he passes on to Konstantin. Black being such a strong dominant gene, he could not have passed that on to Svetlana, so she must have also gotten the red (copper) gene from him, getting auburn (brown) genes from her mother, and expressing those.

        Thus, if she does end up with Dug, their chilren would have either auburn, blond, or potentially red hair if he got a recessive red gene from his mother (who is canonically blond as well).

        So now the question is what makes the best narrative sense.

  18. pistoffnick

    I’m out.

    I have a test tomorrow at at 7 am.

    The Chinese ladies (cute though they may be, (their company owns me, literally)) are driving me nuts.

    Thank you , commentariat, for keeping somewhat sane.

    • Gender Traitor

      ‘night, nick. Good luck on your test! I need to head bedward myself.

    • pistoffnick

      Dreams of stickers that read the right part numbers, Angles that are within 5 degrees, and Measurements that are within 1 inch.

      • UnCivilServant

        *quietly changes the parts numbers on the stickers*

    • Count Potato

      Good luck!

    • Don Escaped both Landslides

      With Washington, Mississippi has got to be the state most removed from the land of the people/place for which is was named (leaving aside British royalty).

    • straffinrun

      Nope. Not clicking on any videos of bitter middle aged white chicks ready to unload.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        She sounds a right cunte.

        dbl, she’s in your neck of the woods sea, so sail right around that turd.

      • straffinrun

        Depth charges. Breach that hull.

    • Adama, Yusef Adama

      Ahem, not a good look Potato, next it’s theremins, then the dukes go up………..

      • Count Potato

        I built my own. Then I sold it.

  19. straffinrun

    Nice, Derp! Hate Star Wars, but this was good.

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      Note to self: rent storage locker before straff visits

  20. straffinrun

    What are the ancients that stare blankly into space as they chain smoke at the coffee shop thinking? Did I leave the iron on? Do I have an iron? What is an iron? How do you pronounce iron?

    • Jarflax

      I assume they are thinking about young women from their past.

      • straffinrun

        *Fills Depends*

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      “Anyone with Grand-Daddy issues around? I can still kinda get it up…”

  21. straffinrun

    Have we started slaughtering statue makers yet? As long as that skill exists, we’ll never be safe.

  22. Digby Says Invest in Malden

    For those with teens now or soon: Teach them to either let the people who own the company run it. Better yet, teach them to start their own business, and compete.

    These soon-to-be-former employees need to learn hierarchies. They don’t have to like them, but, they either go along, or, get out.

    Or, kiss Whole Foods good-bye. That could happen.

    • cyto

      I love that article.

      This is why I’m not the CEO.

      I would absolutely tell those people to find another job. If they can’t understand that having employees wearing a political slogan on the job when interfacing with the public implies an endorsement by the company, perhaps offering the example of wearing “all lives matter” face masks. Or for these woke folk, perhaps simply MAGA would do it. Somehow I think their idea of what people are allowed to do at work wouldn’t include either of those things.

      And that mayor… zero chance I would do anything less than issuing a permanent ban of her and her family from all Amazon/Whole Foods properties and services. ‘Cause I’m a vengeful god. I’d definitely trespass her off of the property from that point forward.

      So, yeah. Don’t make me the CEO of a multinational. I would not suffer fools, and the CEO has to suffer fools a lot of the time.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Somehow I think their idea of what people are allowed to do at work wouldn’t include either of those things.

        So much this. Well, all of it.

        In the end, Amazon won’t lose much if they start allowing BLM logos. Some people will stop shopping there. But, to so many others, who would care about losing customers that hate black people, amirite?? They will probably cave, since opposing the idea of BLM is totes verboten. Unfortunately, the idea and the org are not differentiated by most right now.

      • cyto

        They already caved on so many things.

        I wonder if anyone is going to learn. You don’t win any prizes for playing along with woke. They will turn on you in a second for the slightest of reasons.

        Meanwhile, on the other end of the political spectrum – the conservatives and theocrats will usually stand by people who uphold their principles. Chick fil-A. Hobby Lobby.

        Ok, short list. But still.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Of course, CfA is starting down that road, now that the attacks on Cathay ramped up earlier. Seems like someone there has been cowed.

        But, yes–for the most part the right siders do tend to stand up for favorite businesses.

      • salted earth

        I have recently learned that the left has done a good job of convincing good, kind, decent people that they bad, dark-hearted, and inherently evil people.

      • cyto

        All while empowering batshit crazy people to let their freak flag fly – and rewarding them with power over other people’s lives.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        It’s all about power. And, everyone thinks they have a right to it, or, that they would be better with it, or both.

        “It’s time to punish my enemies.”

      • salted earth

        I think it goes beyond power, they want to see people suffering and the want misery and ruin.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Oh, yeah–sins of the past that have to be reckoned with people who had nothing to do with them.

    • salted earth

      get it!

      • cyto

        They are cool. It is simply a plotter printer turned upside down with a magnet in the pen holder. They are mesmerizing to watch at children’s museums. If you have the space, that round one would indeed make an impressive statement as a coffee table.

    • UnCivilServant

      Don’t do it, it’s a futile endeavor.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        It’s a bank-breaker endeavor, alright…

      • cyto

        I think that’s the point. Nothing says “i’m richer than shit” better than a computerized coffee table that is straight out of a museum. Pointless displays of wealth are the best displays of wealth.

        This is almost as good as the couple that had a mold of their naked bodies having sex turned into a coffee table base. That one had an extra dose of narcissism tossed on top, so it probably wins out. Probably cost a fair share more too.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Ewww….imagine the stains that they could get away with around that.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Ewww….imagine the stains that they could get away with around that.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        How in the heck is this stuff double-posting??? Something is definitely wacky with the computer.

      • DenverJ

        Ya gotta plug it in, then hit f8, safe mode with networking, chrome, xnxx.com. should be good from there.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        xvideos, or, gtfo

  23. DenverJ

    Huh.

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      Bruh.

    • salted earth

      shh..everything is okay…you can go back to sleep…

  24. hayeksplosives

    I’ve covid binge-watched Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, and Arrested Development .
    Watching Brooklyn99, but running out quickly.

    What is next? I tried News Radio but I no longer tolerate laugh tracks.

    Need some more comic scriptwriters, good ones.

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      That is in short supply–the “good” part.

      I’m working my way through Dark, but, it’s somewhat a slog. Not bad, but twisty. And, not a comedy.

      I would recommend IT Crowd, but, it does have a laugh track. Still good though. Or, Peep Show, if you have Hulu. Innovative shooting style, without the track. About 50 episodes, give or take.

      • cyto

        I’m about to start season 2 of Hannah on Amazon. The original was interesting. The first series was really good but kind of make a turn toward copying Dark Angel as it wore on. Interested to see where it goes.

        So many good but not great SciFi projects available these days.

        For comedy…. Well, I laughed hard at Rick and Morty, if you haven’t already watched that. I wonder if it works for a female audience? It seems pretty dude-oriented, but it is well written, and well performed.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        I kind of hate-watch R&M. So nihilistic, but does have some genuinely funny stuff.

      • cyto

        Don’t be such a Morty…

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        You’re Ricking on my parade.

      • salted earth

        Spaced with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        I have the series, but have only watched it once. I love me some Brian, though. Paranoia is great comedy.

      • salted earth

        Not British, but have you watched Reaper?

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Nah. Nothing about it appealed to me.

        Didn’t Kevin Smith direct the first ep?

      • salted earth

        imdb says yes.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Vaguely remember when it debuted.

      • hayeksplosives

        I’ve only watched a few but they were all funny. Another good suggestion, thanks!

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Get that punch card filled up!

    • salted earth

      Better Off Ted
      My Boys (TBS 206-2010)
      Pushing Daisies

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Ted is supposed pretty solid, which is why it didn’t last, unfortunately. But. I think it stands up.

      • cyto

        In the sitcom realm, I really enjoyed “My name is Earl”. Not sure if that was very popular. Last Man on Earth was pretty great at the beginning.

        My wife is probably on her 4th consecutive watch of the entire run of Friends. It holds up. And it is way dirtier than I remembered.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Earl had a lot going for it. Certainly an uplifting series, all things considered.

        #AllHailCrabMan

      • hayeksplosives

        I watched about a dozen or so Earl episodes. I could definitely try that whole thing from the beginning.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        I think it’s a pick-me-up type of show. Definitely tried to emphasize people treating each other well.

      • hayeksplosives

        Yeah, you can’t argue with that. And the norm Macdonald guest spots are gold.

        Now shows have to be woke, wherein their positivity manifests as negativity aimed at BadGroup#trending.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Yeah, “Goodness” is being crap to people who are crap. While it can be cathartic, it gets old for entertainment.

      • cyto

        And Jamie Pressley was a damned fine comedic actress – kind of brave in a Will Farrell sort of way… not afraid to look bad. And she delivered this terrific bit

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11lihFv4sRU

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        I would hope anyone around here has much much better trigger discipline.

        Anywhere, really. Joy ain’t all that bright.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        If you are in the mood for stand-up, I found Tom Segura’s sets to be hilarious. I avoided them for a long time for no real reason, then, started watching them, and try to catch them when they hit.

        Start with Completely Normal, if you’re keen. He can be out there, though.

  25. hayeksplosives

    My silly iPhone indents the comments so far that once it’s a few replies deep, the thread is single column of vertical letters 🙁

    Does one of the Glib apps fix that?

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      I dunno…it’s that way on computer after, what…7, 8 replies.

      • hayeksplosives

        Eh, whatevs. There’s just a point where spelling out the words by letter gets a bit tedious.

        I am currently lying down with the left side of my face in the pillow, reading with one eye. Got my Bluetooth headphones (built into a comfy headband—great for sleeping in with white noise on.

        I got the thunderstorm white noise app running . This will be great for my next long flight. Heck, it’s great f I r everyday use.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        It sounds positively dreamy! Sleepy time set-up. I Don’t think I knew there was a glibs app, either. I mean, other than Monocle/Eyepiece as a Tampermonkey script. Even then, I’m not fully aware of what Monocle does on desktop, not to mention mobile.

      • cyto

        Google has been doing a great job of changing the words I dictated right about the time I click submit. You can always tell when I’m posting from my phone… I get extremely loquacious, and then I post a phrase that makes absolutely no sense.

    • invisible finger

      You could turn the phone to landscape.

  26. hayeksplosives

    My company decided to go ahead and do our usual intern program this summer. Vastly reduced number compared to years past though.

    They aren’t organizing much for our interns so my boss, a director, asked me to put together some sort of tour for them. I want to see if I can herd them over to the San Diego Tokamak.

    • cyto

      Your company runs fusion reactors?

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Shh, cyto. Just know that knowing too much is….well, I’ve said too much.

      • cyto

        I kinda want to go intern at a fusion reactor.

        Maybe I’ll turn into spider man. Or the hulk.

    • cyto

      Your new Bald Eagle avatar brings this to mind:

      We stayed at a cabin in Solon Springs Wisconsin last week. There were two bald eagles nesting down the shore, making for a nice show as we sat out back. But we brought our dog – a rescue dog of indeterminate mixed breed weighing in at around 15 pounds. Which seemed to me to be the perfect snack size for a golden eagle, but I’m not familiar with what a bald eagle might decide to kill. So I looked it up.

      A golden eagle is similar in size to a bald eagle, but doesn’t focus on fish like bald eagles do. They normally kill small animals like squirrels and rabbits, but they also eat carrion if they find it. And if they are hungry, they’ll take down larger animals. Like young deer. And sheep. And pronghorn antelope. And bighorn sheep. (holy crap… do not mess with a golden eagle!)

      So i flip to the bald eagle page.

      Bald eagles prefer fish. They’ll take any fish they can get, but they can only lift a fish up to a few pounds. If they kill a larger fish, they’ll swim it to shore and then eat it.

      But if they can’t find enough fish…. they’ll take small game just like a golden eagle. And they’ve been known to kill larger animals. Like a deer.

      So I look at my little dog. And I conjure the image of a white tail deer. No contest. Then I look at my three young children playing in the yard. And compare that with a white tail deer. Yeah, I’m taking the deer over a 3rd grade kid in a tooth-and-claw battle to the death every single time. Then I look in the mirror. I’m definitely not as tough as an adult deer. Their hide is made out of buckskin, after all. Mine sure isn’t.

      So we kept an eye on the eagles.

      They must have gotten plenty of fish. We left with all three kids and the dog.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Pffft….and to think; Franklin wanted the turkey.

        Tasty, meaty turkey.

  27. cyto

    Based on our discussion, I watched the first episode of My Name Is Earl. It brought up an ethical question of relevance to today’s world.

    Earl decides he needs to make amends to a kid that he bullied in school. He discovers that the guy is lonely, so he wants to find him a girl. But it turns out he is gay.

    Earl has primitive views on gayness.

    But despite his views, he takes his old schoolmate to a gay bar and helps him to come out and helps him find happiness in who he is.

    Now, the question:

    Which is more important? The actions you take, or the private thoughts you have?

    Because Earl is skeptical of homosexuality. But he helps this guy come to terms with his sexuality and come out and find acceptance. But I suspect that the majority of today’s social justice brigade would find the entire episode offensive – because you have to repent of all of your sins and admit that you are evil. This is more important than what you actually do.

    • Digby Says Invest in Malden

      Hmmm….maybe. I think there would be a lot of finger-pointing at that old, reliable boogey Man: The Conservative, Christian White Man!!!!

      • hayeksplosives

        When whites are no longer in the majority in the USA (about 20 years hence), will white man still be the scapegoat for everything?

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        I think it’ll be that we are well on our way to being appropriately punished for the sins of even earlier generations. Payback, and all that.

      • hayeksplosives

        I wonder if it occurs to these guys that they too will be judged by some future standard that will show them as backward someday.

    • hayeksplosives

      Doing has to be the only thing that matters. It’s similar to the question in “Minority Report”: is the outcome inevitable, so that arresting before the crime is committed OK, it is the outcome still up in the air until the trigger is pulled?

      I argue that actions speak louder, but I’m afraid you’re right:a generation “matured” on social media believes Wrongthink must be stopped and punished.

      “Earl” is a nicer Archie Bunker: even tolerant people sometimes have a hard time understanding or relating, but they still know loyalty, friendship, and ethics.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Seconded on the “actions”. We aren’t mind-readers, even if we can infer people’s basic attitudes. We, as a species, seem to understand that reading minds would be a disaster for us, as it would shatter illusions. Better to deal based on actions, since it’s what’s visible.

      • hayeksplosives

        “ We aren’t mind-readers, even if we can infer people’s basic attitudes”

        Which is why I don’t like hate crimes: it dares legally accuse you of bad think. Is it assault? Vandalism? Ok, prosecute that, not the motive.

      • Digby Says Invest in Malden

        Yes, motive is supposed to be an element of the crime, not a separate, punishable offense.

      • cyto

        Of course, you guys are right.

        Which is why they have moved on from thought crimes. Now they’ll just directly punish your white privilege, cutting out the middle man of proving a hate crime through your words or prior reading lists.

      • AlmightyJB

        I’m not sure why a First Amendment challenge hasn’t been made.

      • cyto

        And there’s another way that actions are more important – and this one is harder. When judging other people.

        Everyone loves to impute motive in others. It is one of our fundamental ways of dealing with the world. And it is the root of much evil in the world. “She only did that because….”

        If we all did a better job of sticking to judging people by their actions instead of what we “know” that they are thinking, we’d be a lot better off. But it is really, really hard to avoid judging someone based on your interpretation of “why” they did something.

        Some guy blowing his horn is just a brief noise. But some guy blowing his horn at you is an asshole! Even if you have no idea why he blew the horn. Best to leave it at “I wonder why he blew his horn” instead of imputing nefarious motives. The same goes for all of our daily interactions.

      • invisible finger

        “Doing has to be the only thing that matters.”

        Disagree.

        One can insincerely “do” (or not do) just for the optics.

        Just saying there is no pat answer.

    • invisible finger

      “because you have to repent of all of your sins and admit that you are evil.”

      The “social justice” movement is none of that. It is about redefining sin: aka “I’m not a sinner – YOU are!” There’s nothing new, enlightened, nor intelligent about it. SJW’s would only find the skepticism of homosexuality offensive, they’re totally on board with the bullying. They’re just the early 21st Century version of Pharisees – just wait until you see what the next generation of narcissistic nitwits comes up with.

      • Festus' Mustache

        Just like granting Women’s Suffrage. It was a power-play to the 19th Amendment. It’s half the reason that I became a Glib. Those assholes are always playing the long game. “Stop doing stuff I personally don’t agree with!”

  28. Digby Says Invest in Malden

    COVID has had some beneficial side effects, such as interesting news bloopers

    /news bloopers are always a bit of humor if you find yourself wandering YT.

    • JD is in the United Karendom

      Enjoyment was derived from this compilation. Back to you, Digby.

    • AlmightyJB

      People will be all over Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram using their Verizon and AT&T data plans while staying home watching Netflix and Hulu and talking about the blackout.

      • UnCivilServant

        I will be doing exactly none of those things.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Neither will the vast majority of black folks.

    • UnCivilServant

      When packing up a box of boxes to take to the curb, be sure to check the suitability of the main box for the purpose.

      I very nearly ended up with a loose scattering of boxes instead.

    • JD is in the United Karendom

      Glib morning, UCS.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’ve got a couple of narrative questions to answer – Kill Lothar, or keep him alive; Svetlana or Cassandra; Do I break Jotunrender?

      • Gender Traitor

        ::grabs discarded box, tears off a side, scrounges for a marker. Scrawls a crude sign: “Will beta-read for banana bread.”::

      • UnCivilServant

        A: I’ve not gotten a whole lot on the page so far.

        B: I won’t have the missing ingredients for banana bread until 10am.

        I’ll send you the bit from the end of “Prince of the North Tower” you haven’t seen yet if that works.

      • Gender Traitor

        Whenever you’re ready – don’t really mean to rush you. I’m just in need of an engaging read at the moment. I’ve diverged into some history for the time being, and will probably give the book my sister gave me for Christmas another chance after that.

      • UnCivilServant

        It was not very much, so I sent it in an email.

      • Gender Traitor

        Got it! Thank you! I’ll read it this evening after my swim and Fish Stick Day dinner.

      • UnCivilServant

        From a storytelling standpoint, Lothar and his son Andrei aren’t doing anything. In the original mental storyboarding of the scenes most recently finished, Lothar was supposed to have been hit with arrows, only the archers got removed from the scene when redoing the choreography of the fight to make more sense on the page.

        As a standalone scene, Lothar’s death, his last words to Andrei and Hengist providing empathy as someone who went through a similar loss not too long ago would provide a good deal of pathos. But in the larger context it runs the risk of disrupting the narrative flow and sapping all sense of triumph from the otherwise successful escape from difficult circumstances. It could easily feel like the protagonists are skulking away from a failure, and I’m not sure if that’s the right tone for this point in the book.

      • UnCivilServant

        In the question of Svetlana versus Cassandra (placeholder name, subject to change), Cassandra is the lazy, ‘epilogue relationship’ where I don’t have to put any of that messy stuff on the pages on an already crowded narrative. It also helps avoid the situation where Dug, Karl, and Peter all return from this trip with brides, all of whome have hair in the red to red-brown spectrum. That and I can’t see Svetlana giving up her entire homeland (in which she has personal landholdings) to follow this thoughtless dolt into a culture she’s never even heard of.

        On the other hand, Svetlana is a character both Dug and the reader have already met, so the relationship can develop in the story proper, adding its own layers and dynamic to the narrative.

      • UnCivilServant

        Breaking Jotunrender mostly comes down to “I had this idea for a cool reforging scene”. But it’s already a crowded narrative, and I’m not so sure I want to spend the time on it

      • Gender Traitor

        I’ll refer back to these thoughts after I read what you’ve sent (if they apply to the passage.) I need to hit the road early this morning – I’m out of proper breakfasts to take to work, so a pilgrimage to Timmy’s is in order.

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, UCS & JD.

        Yesterday at work was hectic, start to finish. I hope today is calmer. At least I can look forward to having my Zen time in the pool after.

    • Festus' Mustache

      Greetings and Salutations!

      • UnCivilServant

        I have work today.

        *whines* I don’t wanna go back to work.

      • Festus' Mustache

        See below. It’s going to turn toxic.

    • Cy

      Good morning to you too Uncivil!

      • Festus' Mustache

        And a Happy Day to all the early folk!

  29. Festus' Mustache

    Bitch-Bomb for the day. One of my sites has 14′ ceilings and I am prohibited by safety code to replace light tubes more than 12′ above the floor. I told them about four years ago that I wasn’t responsible for that chore. Yesterday they they called my Supervisor and harangued xer to no end. Had to go around the building and count the burnt bulbs. Fifty. Fifty fucked up lights that they and building maintenance are responsible for. Why the fuck are you bothering me with this nonsense? Why did you let it get to such a state? This bodes unwell for poor old Festus because the last time we had this fight they went guerrilla. It turned into a series of whatabouts that made me question my employment. Paranoid is no way to make a living, Son.

    • Festus' Mustache

      Luckily, I’m pretty OCD at work so if they want to trip me up in retaliation I’ll either have a good excuse or be able to head them off at the pass. Funniest bit is that even if the multinational company loses the contract, the next boss just hires the same drones that know the buildings. I’m on my third employer at this site as we speak.

    • Fourscore

      I’m trying to do the math. Assuming you are 6 ft tall (in metric as well) and can reach 2 feet more you need a ladder that you can climb up safely to 6 feet to reach the light bulbs in question. Job security! My boy, Festus, is the winner! Demand a pay raise for this new venture. You da man!

      I was once the guy to change flourescent transformers at some of the company’s stores. Because I was cheaper than an electrician and I really kind of enjoyed it. Work when no one was around, etc.

      • Festus' Mustache

        The rule coming down the pike was sorta synchronous with the onset of my vertigo. I lose all sense of balance once I get about five feet off the ground. I have to hold the cripple bar in the shower when I close my eyes. It’s actually pretty serious and not me being a shit-bird although I wish it were the opposite. 🙂

      • Suthenboy

        Falling off of a ladder is no small thing. My father fell 3 or 4 feet off of a ladder onto soft ground and shattered his ankle.
        Six or eight feet and landing on a hard floor is a different story. Let the yunguns handle that job.

        Yours sounds worse than mine. I get vertigo by tipping my head back looking up for more than a few seconds. Changing the ceiling mounted air intake that is only 8 feet high is risky for me.

      • Festus' Mustache

        I installed a couple of ceiling fans some years back. Doubt if I could do that now. I can’t even get on my own roof and it’s only about 16′ off the ground. The kids have to come over to shovel the snow off. Whither the monkey in the tree?

    • Suthenboy

      I took all of the cursed fluorescents out of my house and threw them in a dumpster. I replaced them all with LEDs. I am very happy with them. More light of a more pleasing color, no bulbs to change and no risk of fire.

      • Festus' Mustache

        The other site I service with fifty foot ceilings broke down and hired someone to replace every ballast. I haven’t changed a tube there in nearly three years.

      • Suthenboy

        Aside from the crappy light I dont like them because I have seen those ballast start fires on three occasions. There is a short list of things that scare me and fires are definitely on that list.

      • Festus' Mustache

        #metoo