The smell of frying meat woke Huma from a night of uneasy dreams: hands peeling away from shadows, Senate subpoenas, a disappointed Prophet, peace be upon him, staring at her with glowing coal eyes and pulling at his beard in concern.
Hillary wasn’t beside her. When she felt the pit Hillary had dug in the mattress, the pool of congealed sweat was cold. She got out of bed and followed the smell of meat and heat down to the basement of their brownstone.
“My love?” she asked at the top of the basement stairs.
“Hillary?” she asked, louder. As she walked down the steps she noticed a nacreous glow along the floor of the basement. It was shifting to blue as she descended.
“Hillary?” she called from the bottom of the stairs. “I see a glow. Are you communing with The Outer Gods, beings who exist outside of time and hunger for the souls of man? Would you like me to make you a smoothie? A strawberry smoothie?”
Huma crossed the basement, carefully stepping around the summoning circle carved into the bare concrete of the floor. The light was coming from under one of the doors to the brownstone’s storage spaces. Hillary had used contractors to burrow under the houses to either side, creating vast a subterranean lair. When the contractors were finished, they had ended up in Prospect Park in many wet pieces.
“Hillary?” Huma called. She tapped the doorknob quickly, expecting a shock. It was just warm, blood-warm, like a hand had held it for a long time. She turned the knob and pushed open the door. The blue light rushed out and swallowed her. She put her hands up and waited in her doorway for her eyes to adjust. She smelled meat, cooking meat, and her mouth began to water.
In the room sat something like an enormous electric clamshell. The top lid rose and the room got brighter. Hillary lay in the tanning bed, nude, basting in a pool of sweat. She stretched lazily, reaching her arms above her head, her slack breasts slipping over the side of her chest to nestle in her armpits.
“Hillary?” Huma asked. “What is this? What are you doing?”
“Joe wants a woman of color, by the Elder Gods, I’ll give him a woman of color!” the elderly woman said, her face twisted in hate.
“My love, I don’t think it is literally about skin color,” Huma said quietly.
“I figure I’ll be Kamala-colored in a couple of weeks, maybe hit Val Demmings or Keisha Lance Bottoms by the convention,” Hillary said, ignoring her.
In the heat of the room, in that horrible blue light, Huma gathering her dressing robe about her, chilled. She swallowed hard and said, “The African-American base will never accept this.”
“Do you remember the movie Soul Man? Did you ever see Soul Man?” Hillary asked. “I want you to see if they ever made that drug for real.”
Huma muttered in assent.
“I mean, what if Joe wants me Stacy Abrams black?” Hillary asked. “She’s field slave dark with a house Mammy body. It’s a hard combo to hit with just padding and a tanning bed.”
“Hillary!” Huma said, the small core of squishy liberalism still inside her scandalized.
“Or maybe I could just hollow her out and wear her?” Hillary mused. “She’s fat enough.”
“My love, can we just not live our lives?” Huma asked. “We have each other, you have a grandchild now…”
“I have already descended to Xibalba and sacrificed to Xiquiripat and Cuchumaquic for Abrams’ death, Huma,” Hillary said in a flat, dead voice. “The Flying Scab and Gathered Blood never fail.”
Huma involuntary sketched out a sign against the evil eye.
“But I haven’t forgotten about you, dear Huma,” Hillary said, leering. “I’m making sure to tan all over.”
She strained forward with her arms and hands, trying to sit up. She slipped in the yellowed sweat and grunted, finally rocking forward and back until she grabbed the back of her knees and hauled them toward her chest.
“Tanning all over,” she repeated to Huma, lying back and splaying her legs, forcing her labia to part like rotted lace, the old blood reek of an abattoir filling the small hot room.
“Once I’m President, I will make this all worth it, Huma,” Hillary said, sighing, closing her eyes. “I will make them all suffer and it will all be worth it.”
Hillary grunted and queefed as her mutilated sex popped and sizzled in the blue light of the tanning bed, the rumbling issuing forth from her bone womb low and deep like summer thunder.
” When the contractors were finished, they had ended up in Prospect Park in many wet pieces.”
Ouch…………..
I am glad I have already eaten. It was long enough ago that I might be able to keep it down.
See I was thinking about some lunch, but I can wait a couple of hours, maybe days.
I was gonna have another chicken breast, but I think I’m gonna revisit the last one instead.
“When she felt the pit Hillary had dug in the mattress, the pool of congealed sweat was cold.”
Pure gold.
“Or maybe I could just hollow her out and wear her?” Hillary mused. “She’s fat enough.”
It could work.
uhhhhhhh
*shakes head sadly in agreement*
*thousand yard stare*
I see this all in my head, and could direct it in exquisite detail, but I don’t, for the sake of you, my fellow readers…
On a separate note, I watched Back to the Future III this morning. That move needs to be canceled. Not only does Marty viciously call noble First Peoples ‘In***ns’, there is also a noose, a mother-fucking noose! Such racism!
Egad! Come to think of it, the first needs to be cancelled to with Marty you know, creating rock n’ roll….
And Goldie Wilson’s family are the only People of Color (besides the family that lives in Marty’s house in Biff 1985, who were fighting against Gentrification!)!? Sure, Goldie became mayor, but he started out sweeping floors!? And his son (grandson?) is back to selling used hovercars in 2015! Whycome no political dynasty!?
Also, this is a real industry magazine.
And doesn’t Biff end up in black face when the dung truck dumps its contents all over him?! I have finally opened my eyes to the small subliminal messages of my yoot.
Mad Dog Tannon is in ‘blackface’ pert near the whole time. Almost like symbolizing dirty white people turn into black people! The manure scene is the first time his face isn’t blackened, it’s fresh green manure, as if to say even a shit covered white person is better than a black person!
This could get ugly CPRM. We might just dismantle all of whiteness here
I was good up until the end. Now where is that roast beef I was about to eat…
burning on the panini press, according to SF
Whippets have a reputation for ‘talking’ a lot.
It is well deserved. NewDog is just talking away.
Now that’s a palette cleanser.
the small core of squishy liberalism still inside her scandalized
The demise of those without the true faith. Such sentiments will be exposed in time, and punished.
*see title, braces self*
I didn’t brace hard enough…
Me neither.
Its like watching a train wreck. You know you must read it, but will be scarred by doing so.
Such a innocent looking rainbow happy logo – makes me cringe instinctively.
Seriously. The Hat and the Hair is light amusement. The Extended Universe, however, is a soul-rotting ordeal.
Fave-rave. It has a very… late 20th century British humor quality to it.
If read in a Indian British accent, yes it does.
WOW, speechless after that one.
In the room sat something like an enormous electric clamshell. The top lid rose and the room got brighter. Hillary lay in the tanning bed, nude, basting in a pool of sweat. She stretched lazily, reaching her arms above her head, her slack breasts slipping over the side of her chest to nestle in her armpits.
And this right here is the part where I descended into gibbering madness and whited out.
OMG…
WordPress gurus: how do you make superscripts?
My guess? Sacrifice to Xiquiripat and Cuchumaquic and sketch out a sign against the evil eye.
Get bitten by a radioactive script?
<sup> </sup>
Mojeaux,
I haven’t been on here much lately, but I did enjoy your pirate story.
Oh, thank you! ☺️
Whatsup, Mo?
‘sup.
Thanks for the tip on how to do code in the comments. Appreciate it!
I’m afraid <sup></sup> didn’t work, otherwise the sup in whatsup would have been superscripted.
Oh. It works in the articles. That’s how I do the small type.
Maybe nothing but the basics works in the comments.
It worketh!
Thanks, Mo!
😀
Spread your labia like rotted lace?
/Glad to help.
no, that just makes the keyboard smell like a slaughterhouse
Like going to Fuddruckers in the late 80s
The reason I love this place…if you can get passed the first 10 or so snarky answers to a question, you will find that diamond in the rough.
Just a side note on one of my personal obsessions, Abattoir is the serial killer that Jean Paul Valley (the guy who replaced Bruce Wayne as Batman and went nuts in the early 90s after Bane broke Bruce’s back) let die convincing Bruce Wayne to take back the Mantle of the Bat; for what that’s worth
That’s a complicated sentence.
It suffers from the runs
Why you gotta racist all the time?!
I have already descended to Xibalba and sacrificed to Xiquiripat and Cuchumaquic
Great. More things to haunt our dreams.
Eating, reading, and now sleeping are all ruined because of this series. The only thing left is breathing and the COVID mountain is a tall one to place your flag upon for that. Challenge is set SugarFree.
Xic and Patan cause people to die coughing up blood while out walking on a road, so I’ll try to work them in at some point.
Hah! I’ll only walk on the side-walk or shoulder! Stupid ‘gods’!
So, you will never cross a street? Stuck on the same block for eternity?
Not on foot. I’m not a savage, I have a car.
Excellent, I do enjoy not living. I have in fact gotten quite comfortable holed up in my house.
Stop horning in on Pie’s schtick.
YASSSSSSSSSS
More Kanye.
“That is a form of racism and white supremacy and white control to say that all Black people need to be Democrat and to assume that me running is me splitting the vote. All of that information is being charged up on social media platforms by Democrats,” Kanye West said in a lengthy interview with Forbes magazine. “And Democrats used to tell me, the same Democrats have threatened me…. The reason why this is the first day I registered to vote is because I was scared. I was told that if I voted on Trump my music career would be over.” …
“And that’s what the Democrats are doing, emotionally, to my people. Threatening them to the point where this white man can tell a Black man if you don’t vote for me, you’re not Black,” West said.
Well, if he doesn’t vote for Biden he isn’t black anyway.
I have seen a few things lately about how third parties always hurt Democrats. As if Ross Perot never existed.
Something sane, finally. He must have had a moment of clarity.
If this message were pushed harder the democrats would collapse.
Kanye’s a brilliant guy with a mental issue and you have to take the good with the bad.
to my people
So much for going off-script.
He never heard of the secret ballot?
That is a form of racism and white supremacy and white control to say that all Black people need to be Democrat
At a Reopen NH event, I met a black guy that supports Trump and wears a MAGA hat. He and I talked. One of the reasons he hates Democrats? They call him an “Uncle Tom” because he likes Trump.
“And that’s what the Democrats are doing, emotionally, to my people. Threatening them to the point where this white man can tell a Black man if you don’t vote for me, you’re not Black,” West said.
It picks the cotton or it gets the lash.
I am not sure how Biden is considered a moderate by anyone.
Because Bill Clinton is now Alt-Right.
And JFK is pretty much Hitler.
Every time the media calls someone a moderate, put one hand on your guns and the other on your wallet.
If you just listened to the news without reading it, you would think Merrick Garland was actually named Moderate Merrick Garland, because every single news story about him used the word moderate to describe him.
That was a rough one. The Wendys spicy chicken still went down while I read.
Spicy Chicken is The Opener of The Way.
Origin of the Way: The Sixth Chamber:
Great books:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Way_(novel_series)
Trump wants kids to go back to school – CDC’s Refield says best interests of children to go back to school – Democrats and media shriek “it’s not safe for kids to go back to school”
Crazy, mixed-up world. Nope, Dem’s still want more education funding.
They know that the kids going to school will lead to parents going back to work, which might restart the economy, and we can’t have that, now can we?
Yep, opening up schools in mid-to-late August (some still do September) gives the economy a huge shot in the arm through November…can…not…let…that…happen.
I follow “science” people.
Maybe I was wrong about the Hamilton musical sucking.
So it didn’t actually suck. It just needed some Polishing from a true musical genius.
Blah blah blah bullshit:
https://www.zerohedge.com/markets/people-mild-covid-19-may-have-serious-brain-disorders-uk-neurologists#comment_stream
Probably just Guillain-Barre Syndrome or otherwise prexisting but dormant conditions being activated by the stress of being sick would be my guess.
Isn’t this like when they tried to attribute multi-system inflammatory syndrome to COVID even though its most like Kawasaki or Toxic Shock Syndrome?
It sort of is I guess. They’ll speculate like crazy using tenuous links when it comes to COVID if it keeps people scared.
A minority are genuinely scared. The majority are going through the motions or ignoring the farce so they must up the ante. Remember the predictions that one infected person’s sneeze was going to infect whole counties within minutes? Making predictions that will objectively be proven out in the short term is a bad strategy.
I guess they didnt learn their lesson with global warming.
I wouldn’t outright discount it, but the rush to attribute these rare conditions to SARS-CoV-2 and/or COVID just makes the medical research industry look like fear mongers and with the increased media attention, they know their ‘studies’ will be herald to the masses.
NPR had a fascinating log-form (for them) story on that that reached new heights of incompetence. The story included the following “facts”
-MSIS is totally because of the ‘vid. We know that. Science is settled.
-Treating these kids is easier, since most of them (they actually said majority with some intensifier before the word) don’t have COVID and therefore can be housed in genpop.
-It’s really hard to find the exact mechanism between MSIS and COVID because so many of these kids aren’t testing as having been exposed to the virus.
I get it I guess, humans like patterns. MSIS is rare so if a case pops up during the time of the VID, rather than treat it a separate case, they begin to formulate that it must be because of the VID, no other questions to be asked!
It used to be, when a rare condition appears, there might be an external reason, but most of the time its just the hand dealt to that person, young or old.
MSIS?
https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/children/mis-c.html
Ah, the rash thing in kids that people were losing their minds over about a month and a half ago. Gracias.
It’s also a dessert topping
As the deathrate goes down and more and more people who are asymptomatic get tested I expect an exponential rise in stories like this. No clinical studies, no hard numbers, just anecdotal correlation and speculation masquerading as fact. MSNBC had a segment in which some doc was claiming lung scaring in the 20-30 year olds being hospitalized/asymptomatic which made me lol because smoking and vaping and screamed bullshit. When have you ever had a doctor in your entire life when you had a condition definitively say this caused this ever? Fucking quacks man.
Also asymptomatic people don’t typically get chest x-rays.
‘Rona turned me into a newt!
I made it to the Abrams part before bursting into audible laughter but I’m really not sure how I got that far.
So… I learned what the cause of water in my basement is. It’s coming from the A/C. In good news, we were planning on getting it replaced soon anyway (the system is oversized for the house, and over 20 years old). In bad news, we’re supposed to be in the upper 80’s and 90’s for the next couple of days.
Always a relief to find the source of your troubles. 80’s? 90s? Pshh…thats cause to bring out the parkas around here.
It is. There were a couple different potential sources (it’s a basement drain). Multiple loads of wash, no issues; showers, no issues; dishwasher, no issues; run the A/C for ~10 minutes, water running out of a small pipe that’s building up.
It’s a bit more humid here then there. 🙂
We’ll get an estimate on the repair, if it’s under $200, may just do that, and let it run until next fall (when we were planning on getting it replaced anyway). Otherwise, we’ve got quotes for a replacement already. It’ll just mean shifting around some goals.
*Flips open trusty Glib notebook* Make sure to: Check the thermostat, turn it off and on again. Anything beyond that, message Yusef for remote advice and billing.
bad condensate pump? or just a leaky drip pan on the evap core?
No idea. I know my skill set, and working on this is outside of it. But if you want to talk proper call center call routing, or metrics that you should potential be reporting on for call center agents, I’d be glad to help.
There is a drain line and an overflow line. Your water is probably the overflow line. It is common for the main drain line to become clogged with algae. The fix can be as simple as a blowing a can of compressed air through the line to clear it out.
I seriously considered not reading what came next. But then I realized I was powerless to prevent it.
He does that doesn’t he?
I thought she was already a skinsuit?
It’s skinsuits all the way down.
“her slack breasts slipping over the side of her chest to nestle in her armpits.”
Glad I ate an early lunch though.
I do see some of the potentials at Walmart. Tatts that say “Sexy” with a 1980 Best Used by Date. Oh-oh, I quick calibated Hillary and I’m running to the bathroom , oh, I hope I make it.
Whew! In time!
Genius.
““My love?” she asked at the top of the basement stairs…”
You know how in the horror movies when the heroine pauses before entering the place where the danger lurks and the audience is yelling “Don’t go in there!”?
Well at that quote that’s me – “Don’t read any further!”
Like Alice said about not taking her own good advice I kept reading.
The Sugarless One did not disappoint. I love this place.
Stupid effing IT department added a warning to every external email about it being an external email. Guess what fills the entire preview text when scrolling through emails? So now I have to click on the email to see what I used to see on the preview. Dumbasses.
Our IT weenies put that in a banner of color so we’d be sure to read it. Then they kept changing the color of the banner hoping that would get our attention. Fortunatley they were all too young to know about animated GIFs.
look, lusers are to dense to realize the people they’ve always done business with outside the company are external.
/new IT lawyers.
We can’t be expected to know what domain names mean. The fact that my company basically does support for external customers as its base means lots and lots of those warnings.
I’ve always loved the ones that include a threat. Usually along the lines of, “if you are not the intended recipient, then delete this immediately or you may be liable”.
Legal probably told them to do it.
^^^ So much this ^^^
Don’t blame IT for the lawyers.
We do that in my organization.
It was IT Security all the way. Nobody even asked me.
It’s fun when conversing with someone from another organization that does that. It’s warning after warning.
ours did this for about two hours a few months ago before a higher up said STOP, IMMEDIATELY and we never saw it again
Where am I going to get my official WASP gear now?
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2020/07/08/brooks-brothers-store-closings-brooks-brothers-files-chapter-11-bankruptcy/5396613002/
Dammit. My pink BB shirt isn’t going to last forever in these current events.
(It is a nice shirt too)
Yep, to be honest I like the Brooks Brothers stuff that I have.
Charles Tyrwhitt makes a good button-down too but I hate the placement of their second button, too high.
Are you communing with The Outer Gods, beings who exist outside of time and hunger for the souls of man? Would you like me to make you a smoothie? A strawberry smoothie?
This is a strange juxtaposition.
The smoothie contains the blood of the innocents.
The strawberries are to cut the iron taste and add some vitamin C.
Don’t be afraid of antifa
Over the last month, South Philadelphia resident Andre DeFrancesco felt that he had plenty of reason to be fearful: It was constant, the stream of memes, photos, and posts pinging his phone via Facebook, Instagram, and text messages.
The images, he said, that showed proof of an antifa plot included a screenshot from @Antifa_US, an account that was removed from Twitter in early June after it was exposed as a fake account run by white nationalists. There was also hyper-local content: a photo of a pickup truck parked in Philadelphia and filled with broken cinder blocks, possibly antifa munitions. There was a screenshot from a South Philadelphia Facebook page that “Antifa supposedly called for 20,000 more of their membership to descend on Philly.” There were even what appeared to be joke posts — or were they? — threatening antifa attacks on the Christopher Columbus statue at Marconi Plaza .
I guess it’s all in our stupid little heads. ??♂️
*ahem*
https://twitter.com/antifaintl
There are a shit ton more where this came from that are actually legit. They aren’t even trying with their gaslighting anymore.
I wish they’d make up their minds on whether it doesn’t exist or whether it does exist and is a wonderful force for good because “Hey, it says antifascist right in the name, just like WWII veterans!”
So all of these riots and attacks by people claiming to be Antifa are just our fevered imagination? Or am I misinterpreting “Dear Antifa, please dont burn down our offices.” ?
The media has tried to pass off the Antifa group as something made up by white nationalists even though there is substantial proof that they do indeed exist and were one of the rioters in the major cities.
The media are truly the enemy of the American people.
Fer fuck’s sake. Its right there on the internet for anyone to see.
Rose City Antifa
Glancing over the story again my main take-away is that Antifa backs down if any serious resistance shows up.
This was my favorite: https://www.news1.news/en/2020/06/antifa-in-california-meet-the-hells-angels-on-their-way.html
But they continue to train for violence.
I am TRUMP- destroyer of worlds!
President Donald Trump inherited the world’s best economy in 2017 and helped make it one of the worst. The coronavirus pandemic would have made Americans miserable under any president, but it was Trump’s defiance of science, muddled messaging and incessant vitriol that has plunged the country into a swamp of joblessness, receding labor participation and slumping business confidence unseen in other developed nations. Trump’s four years in office already measure up as the biggest economic disaster for any U.S. president in modern times, according to data compiled by Bloomberg.
Serious economic analysis from Bloomberg “News”.
This whole farce was concocted just so they could write that in the lead up to the election.
I am really not sure how many people are buying it.
Weren’t they trying to stir up another Trump sex scandal in the last few days?
a swamp of joblessness, receding labor participation and slumping business confidence
The guy who issued not a single lockdown order is responsible for the effects of the lockdowns.
The Presidency is the national-totem of political rule – bunch of fooking superstitious boobs.
Do they really think everyone’s attention span is so short? Before COVID unemployment was way down and wages were way up across the board. The dreaded Trump tax cut put more money in people’s pockets (even though it was “peanuts”). This is just blatant lying.
Do they really think everyone’s attention span is so short?
Yes. And they’re not wrong.
I surprised I’m finding myself saying this but I think you’re underestimating the intelligence of the average voter. Maybe…just barely…
The relative prosperity of February is ancient history. Nobody votes in November on the economy from 9 months ago.
The DemOp operation to take away Trump’s best argument for re-election has been successful. The election now is about riots, racism, and Biden’s inability to function. And I still doubt Biden will actually be the Dem nominee, although I’ve been a little surprised to see Biden commercials the last few days.
Nice takedown.
I wonder how long before they are back on the streets?
I wonder if any charges will actually be pursued?
nice open field tackle there, wrapped him up and dragged him down.
I just touched down on the first segment of my trip. San Diego to Salt Lake City. They were boarding the next leg when I landed in SLC.
There was no service on the flight to SLC other than a water and a baggy of cheezits.
Now I am seated on the plane from SLC the to MSP airport. Thought I’d pop in here and read the latest. Then saw it was a Hat and Hair Ext Universe.
With trepidation, I read the article. I was not disappointed. Disgusted, yes; disappointed, no.
And we are pulling back from the gate now. Time for airplane mode!
Mmmmmm…. Cheezits….
Thicc and deadly
YES
Don’t know how much good it will do, but I’m at least a little encouraged to see local LE agencies give Gauleiter DeRINO some pushback for his latest mask edict: https://www.whio.com/news/local/enforcement-mask-ordinance-not-responsibility-law-enforcement-several-agencies-say/JYJD23SMDREXFNYXMUSR4RTAHA/
Yeah. The full text of the order isn’t available yet. And it goes into effect in 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Excellent. I would also have accepted listing the governor’s cell number to call in masking violations.
“I would also have accepted listing the governor’s cell number to call in masking violations.”
You beat me to it.
I heard Sheriff Jones from Butler on the radio with Bill Cunningham on my way back, and aside from their typical mutual suck-off session, Jones very clearly said “Masks are not my departments problem. Call the Health Dept. to complain, not us. We have stuff to do.”
Brookville police said people in the city should not call 911 or non-emergency police numbers to report violations of the health order.
Clayton police urged people with complaints about violations of the order to contact Public Health – Dayton & Montgomery County at 937-225-5700.
Coming soon- health dept SWAT team.
Nearly every other gov’t agency has their own militia….why not arm & deputize the social workers and pathologists ?
Nearly every other gov’t agency has their own militia….why not arm & deputize the social workers and pathologists ?
Don’t forget the dieticians!
Orange Man Bad.
Orange Woman Really Really Bad.
Brilliant, as usual!
I’m a little freaked out that I laughed throughout the whole thing. My fave:
“Do you remember the movie Soul Man? Did you ever see Soul Man?” Hillary asked. “I want you to see if they ever made that drug for real.”
*standing ovation then bent retching*
Bravo and may your soul not be taken by the evil ones.
Rotted lace. Rotted lace? Dood. I will never look at a doily the same.