Horses are Terrible People

by | Aug 6, 2020 | Pastimes, Rant | 410 comments

 

Here is a take with pictures and humor, mine is just vitriol and a couple of weak puns.

Women and girls love horses. When I was younger I had a theory that it was displaced sexual issues: wrapping their legs around a muscly, sweaty animal, rubbing their clit on the saddle (in English-style riding you “polish” the saddle that way while “cueing” the horse with your knees and butt). This was a fun thought, but ultimately incorrect view with maybe a single thread of correctness.

Women love horses for the same reason men love their “stuff”, they just have different things that they want. I don’t know any families that broke up because of dad’s side business or stuff; I know three that broke up over horses. I like to believe it is because horses are uniquely fragile and terrible, but maybe my sample is off, or maybe the side-effects of it are extra toxic.

I was in the horse scene for nearly 20 years. I married into it and divorced out of it. It is populated exclusively by naïve white women of all classes, wealthy gay men, wealthy people running a tax loss on facilities, and loser suburban dads that pay real cash for it all.

There’s a ring of veterinarians, farmers, farriers, undercapitalized businesses and scammy cowboys that sustain the industry. All of them actively distrust each other and are convinced everyone else is incompetent. They are correct in this assessment.

Your wife has always loved horses and at some point buys one. No problem, bottom-rung horses are cheap. So cheap you have to pay someone to take them off your hands. There used to be a slaughter market but that no longer exists, so people are constantly dumping them, hoarding them, starving them, and “rescuing” them because there is literally nothing that can be done with them other than pay $300 to have them put down and another $250 to have it buried/composted/cremated.

Sorry, that was off topic. Ahem.

So now you have a horse. You have to put it somewhere. Board is typically $300 and up a month for someplace that isn’t terrible and that has space to ride; plus vet, farrier, medication expenses. Do you want to take your horse somewhere? You need a trailer ($10,000+) and a truck ($40,000+). Your wife might pay for the monthly board and such, but truck and trailer are man stuff.

Bottom rung horses can’t do fun stuff. It costs the same to keep a cheap horse as an expensive horse, so you might as well get one that you can trail ride or dressage or barrel race.

Does she know how to ride? Training is $75+ an hour. Want to take your horse to a show for the weekend? $750 minimum, plus somewhere to stay, so you might need a camper horse trailer ($40,000) which requires a huge truck ($60,000+). Can you share these expenses with someone? It seems like it would work but I’ve never seen that.

Guys can do math. Hay, we’re paying all this and need somewhere to park all this stuff, why don’t we just get a place with acreage? Build a barn and arena, I’ve now got a place to hunt and shoot, rent out some stalls and do some training… it pencils out ok.  Gives the kids something to do and the wife can earn some cash boarding and training.

Turns out everything about living in the country is expensive; farmers know exactly how much they can charge the rubes; stuff breaks. A $1000 a month hobby turns into a $3000-$4000 a month tax loss amazingly quickly, which is nice in April but feels like a serious cash crunch every other month of the year.

The only thing horses can really do is make other horses, and baby horses are crack to a certain type of woman, so now she pays $750 for little tubes of horse cum that a vet inserts for $500, producing a baby that is worth $0 when it hits the ground. Keep it for 2-3 years at $250 per month total expenses, show it a few times, pay a cowboy to “break” it and then work it occasionally to develop its riding steps and you can sell it for $2000-$3000.

How are your math skills? You just sent $10,000 out the door with that horse.

Horses have this move they do, called “colic”. Whenever they make that move you haul them to the nearest university with a vet program and pay them a $5000 deposit up front. If they do this move once they will do it again. They will also very occasionally lay down and are unable to get up anymore and you get to disassemble them to get them out of the stall. (There used to be people that do this, called “knackers” but it is a DIY job now.)

So, you’ve got a place that you really love dependent on a business that is losing money in a sector that has been declining for the 20 years you’ve been in it. What are your options? How do you change direction or call it quits?

By this time your wife is really invested in this lifestyle and is also never able to leave because of all the animals and work that needs to be done every day. How good are your communication skills? Can you even talk your way of this?

Mine weren’t up to the task, yours probably aren’t either. Do yourself a favor, when your wife suggests moving up from the starter horse, put your hoof down hard and tell her neigh.

 

About The Author

hoof_in_mouth

hoof_in_mouth

Software developer, pilot and instructor, old new Dad, loves trees, hates horses.

410 Comments

  1. Brochettaward

    I have come here to chew bubblegum and First…And I am all out of bubblegum.

    • Brochettaward

      This article was so depressing that I want to revoke my First.

      • salted earth

        Would you like a hug?

  2. Sean

    “hoof_in_mouth”

    New phone, who ‘dis?

    • Ted S.

      Ящур, one of the last words in the Russian dictionary.

    • hoof_in_mouth

      I read most days but rarely comment, busy and slow-witted. TOS refugee.

      • grrizzly

        I was surprised when a bunch of folks here insisted they didn’t recognize you and your handle.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Well, I don’t…

  3. Gustave Lytton

    Wife had a horse when she was girl and neighbors have horses. So far not one at home…

  4. Sean

    I’ve got a nice horsehide holster for my p220. Just saying.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      Crossbreed?

      • Sean

        Milt Sparks VM2

      • EvilSheldon

        Obviously a gentleman of refined taste.

    • Bobarian LMD

      The proper Link

  5. Ted S.

    And horse racing fans think they’re classier than, say, car racing fans, something that seems to be proof by assertion.

    • Ted S.

      If my taxes are going to subsidize NYRA, then I want to see any horse that has to be put down shot like in the Zapruder film.

      • hoof_in_mouth

        YES

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        With an Italian rifle? In Dallas?

  6. The Late P Brooks

    Excellent.

  7. Riven

    My god, finally an article about horses for me.

    • westernsloper

      Some of us are wondering who posted said article that brought Riven out. Summer good in MT? Been riding horses have we?

      • Riven

        Fuck horses. They’re just…terrible. Grew up around them and just never got the allure at all.
        Summer has been nice, though!

      • westernsloper

        ?

      • hoof_in_mouth

        <3

  8. Cancelled

    The best compromise when your wife or daughter wants a horse is to buy yourself a boat! The problem that kills marriages isn’t the bankruptcy, it is one spouse being BLAMED for the bankruptcy! If you buy a boat the blame gets shared!

    • Chafed

      The old hole in the water trick! I’m going to guess the guy still gets blamed.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Wait a sec… what was your area of specialty?

      • Cancelled

        LOL, Real Estate and small business law. I don’t do divorce or BK.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I still see possible conflicts of interest.

      • Cancelled

        No, those come later when my clients buy up your real estate for pennies on the dollar after your divorce and bankruptcy.

      • Ted S.

        [takes on Gustave Lytton]

  9. Fourscore

    Last time I was near a horse (named Trixie, I remember well) I was about 17. Sitting on the gate with my friend, the owner of the horse and Trixie comes over. Friend hands me a sugar cube for the horse, Trixie gently takes the sugar off my hand and then the sumbitch bites me on the knee. No more to do with horses, can’t trust ’em, or ex-wives for that matter.

    Good info that I’ll never need but should remember just in case. Thanks, Stranger

    • Riven

      This. This is what horses are like. Fuck ’em.

    • Digby and the Wonder Llama

      Zebras are like this, but far more bitey.

  10. Chafed

    Years ago my wife suggested my daughter take up horse back riding. I was fine with it. After a year or so of riding, my wife suggested we buy a horse. That was a hard no and a small fight. Interestingly, my daughter never asked for a horse. She was fine riding the ones on the ranch she went to for riding. About a year after this fight, my daughter lost interest in riding. Bullet dodged.

    • Cancelled

      I promised to buy my niece a horse if I ever win a big lottery. If you have 7 or 8 figure passive income horses are fine, as are boats, italian sportscars, and trophy wives.

      • westernsloper

        I know lots of people who own horses without incomes like that. Myself, I own two boats that have never been in the water since I have owned them. Ran out of money. Which also explains the dearth of italian sports cars and trophy wives around my property.

      • Cancelled

        Boating is fun. I always enjoy it when a sucker friend buys a cool toy and invites me along. The part where you drive down the road at 40 mph with your hazards on to wait in line at the ramp and then try to back your boat into and out of the water without sliding the truck in, and the part where every envelope is someone charging you another thousand dollars for some necessary but unexpected boat expense oddly doesn’t appeal.

      • westernsloper

        I bought one as a restoration project back when I could afford it but life does what life does. The other is a build that is taking way too long to finish. Some of us don’t have trouble backing down a ramp and go to places without lines to do so. Also, some of us used to be people who fixed boats for a living. I have never fixed a horse. Different skill set.

      • pistoffnick

        “I have never fixed a horse.”

        I have. Got kicked in the head. It turns out they don’t like having a thick rubber band around their nutsack.

      • westernsloper

        LOL…….oh I have a story for that….That is a zoom story though.

      • R C Dean

        “they don’t like having a thick rubber band around their nutsack“

        I was about to say “who does”, but then I remembered where I was.

      • peachy rex

        Good call.

      • Gender Traitor

        My SIL & BIL (actually two of many) live right on Lake Chautauqua, but their sailboat is too big for that puddle, so they dock it up at Lake Erie. They took us out on an overcast day in October once. That water was pretty darn choppy. Neither Tom T nor I tossed our cookies, but it took a lot of concentration on the horizon to manage NOT to do so.

        BIL (a retired airline pilot) also has a small plane. He took each of us up for a spin (not a literal one, thank goodness.) Tom T tossed his cookies on his flight, but I was fine – as long as I concentrated on taking as many photographs as possible.

        Other people’s toys are fun.

      • Gender Traitor

        If you never take your boats out on the water, how do you lose your guns?

      • westernsloper

        I walk across the river.

      • Gender Traitor

        Can’t swim, huh?

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        If I had the land and the time, I could be convinced to get a horse. That said, my feelings about horses are akin to dogs. I like the idea of a dog better than any actual dog that I’ve ever owned or spent time around.

  11. westernsloper

    Holy shit they really will accept articles from anybody. Who is this hoof in mouth? Spot on though. ? Not that I would know anything about such silliness, I only discuss such matters that I know nothing about where there is no proof left in type.

  12. grrizzly

    Hilarious.

  13. Gustave Lytton

    Also, that avatar? Too soon. RIP N449QX.

    • hoof_in_mouth

      Poor Rich, it’s the least I can do. That incident was so… sad but awesome.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Yes it was. Did things with the Q that I don’t think Bombardier test pilots ever did.

    • tripacer

      So easy a ramp rat can do it.

  14. Semi-Spartan Dad

    Funny article, hoof_in_mouth. We almost pulled the trigger on some horses, and I’m very glad we didn’t.

    They will also very occasionally lay down and are unable to get up anymore and you get to disassemble them to get them out of the stall. (There used to be people that do this, called “knackers” but it is a DIY job now.)

    Throw hay on the body. Will compost down in a few months with no smell.

    • Plinker762

      Neighbors backhoe took care of one of ours that shuffled off its mortal coil.

  15. kinnath

    Thank you for putting my wife’s hobbies in perspective. The investment in spinning wheels, looms, sewing machines, and quilting frames seem trivial now.

    • westernsloper

      +1 artisan horse blanket selling at the farmers market for $$$$$.

      • kinnath

        Somehow, she hasn’t achieve that yet.

      • UnCivilServant

        Homespun and home woven? You can charge extra premium for that!

        On the flip side, making it a business may make her abandon it.

      • kinnath

        You can charge extra premium for that!

        It doesn’t seem to work that way.

        My wife has done craft shows. One in ten will pay the premium for hand-spun. The rest go find the mass-produced yarns.

      • Gender Traitor

        I wonder if she’d have better luck on Etsy. Probably a lot less trouble than packing up all your merch and driving it to a show.

        My oldest sister, who is up to her eyeballs in the Society for Creative Anachronism, particularly their Arts & Sciences activities, both spins and weaves and often does “Sheep to Shawl” demonstrations/lessons. She helps keep me well-supplied with yarn for my knitting and crocheting, but she only does it for fun.

  16. Tundra

    Hah!

    Great article, new guy!

    My buddy has three of those fucking things. Not only did he get to spend all the money, but his daughter pursued it as a career and now works for minimum wage! And he still has the horses!

    It’s helpful to have friends who serve as cautionary tales…

  17. Gender Traitor

    Hay, we’re paying all this

    You meant to do that, right?

    Sure you did.

    • hoof_in_mouth

      I warned of puns

  18. Stinky Wizzleteats

    I hate horses and if anyone here needs a knacker feel free to email me, you supply the chainsaw.

    • hoof_in_mouth

      Bosch recip saw

      • Plinker762

        dynamite

      • Tundra

        Thorough.

      • UnCivilServant

        But then you have to clean up the splatter.

      • Gender Traitor

        That’s what orphans are for.

      • westernsloper

        The saw is used to rebuild the stall.

      • Plinker762

        If you have to clean up splatter, you’re not using enough.

  19. Nephilium

    From my past there was a girl I knew who lived on a farm and rode dressage (an old friend dated her, and bitched about not being able to satisfy her “she’s used to 2,000 pounds of meat between her legs, I don’t have that). An old coworker ran a stable that she was always complaining about (but loved the horses). I’ve ridden a horse once as a kid (family out in Wershington, PA).

    I have a feeling Festus will really enjoy this article.

    • westernsloper

      Hopefully he doesn’t read it when the Mrs is in the room.

    • EvilSheldon

      Official state sport of Maryland.

  20. Plinker762

    I guess if your mom grew up on a farm outside of Charlottesville VA and had a horse named Traveler and you grow up in a rural area too, it’s not unexpected that your mom ends up with a couple of horses and takes the kids out riding up and down the valley. I enjoyed riding the horses but I really liked that we had a tractor and other equipment to maintain the field.

    • Viking1865

      “had a horse named Traveler”

      Oh, so shes a white supremacist.

      • Plinker762

        Finger to side of nose. Someone gets it.

      • Drake

        Or a USC fan.

    • Nephilium

      I didn’t know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant’s going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony! Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn’t make sense! Am I wrong?

      –Jerry

  21. Spudalicious

    Preaching to the choir, baby. I paid several horse related bills today.

    • Old Man With Candy

      But using your next ex-wife’s money.

      • hoof_in_mouth

        This guy gets it

    • Brochettaward

      Fuck that. I want to beat the little shit when she chucks the one in the dirt. Someone has to clean that shit.

      • Cancelled

        Just can’t stand anyone having a moment of joy can you?

      • Tundra

        I hate to admit it, but I’m with him on this. Don’t throw the gun in the dirt for a goddamn internet stunt.

      • Cancelled

        That didn’t bug me. I have to admit that I think letting a kid two gun like that is not a great plan. I tried that once and after a few shots noticed that I was pulling back the gun I had just fired and extending the one I was about to fire, and it occured to me that I was really likely to eventually fire with my other hand forward of the firing muzzle, which seems a bad plan.

      • R C Dean

        Yeah, but that grin at the end . . . .

      • dbleagle

        Maybe her name is Wednesday.

      • TARDIS

        I’m torn. All I can say.

  22. pistoffnick

    My wife had a horse at college (there was a horse barn just off campus). It got some form of pneumonia. We had to pay someone to kill it, then had to pay someone else to “render” it (dog food, glue, pistol holsters). Then we had to pay a vet to test every other horse in the barn.

    Expensive hobby.

    I’d rather have boats. If you tell a boat to turn in a certain direction, there is a better than 50% chance that it will go in your desired direction.

    • Deplorableme

      That’s for sure. Plus, it doesn’t cost $$$ for fuel when you don’t use it, unlike the horse.

  23. This Machine

    Wow this is hilarious and spot on. I took a horse project in 4-H for the better part of 5 or 6 years. My dad had found my mom one of those super cheap horses you mentioned, and by some stroke of God’s incredible mercy he ended up being a diamond in the rough, an honest to goodness Paso Fino (in middle of nowhere Quarter Horse land) that the owners just didn’t appreciate. He was stubborn but he was clearly not the psycho his former owners thought, and I ended up having a good time as a young equestrian, showing him in the gaited and English classes.

    Fast forward a couple years and I hit my growth spurt, which meant I needed a larger horse. We decided to lease a rescue who was taller but (unbeknownst to us) a total nutjob. My dad called him “Buckethead.” But the next year, when the lease was up and we returned him, they sold him to a new owner and cut me a commission check because he was so much better improved and trained than when we picked him up (I had nothing to do with it; my friend’s dad was a horse whisperer of sorts).

    I stopped riding after high school but I could tell stories for hours about the insanity of horse people and their scene. It is EXACTLY as you said. Well fucking done.

    • R C Dean

      Yeah, I’ve been around working cowboys (who see horses as more of a tool) and horse people, including one who built a huge barn for her Arabians (old money in the requisite amounts) we called the Taj Mahorse.

      Spot on indeed. Fun read.

  24. hayeksplosives

    I don’t (and never did) have a horse obsession, but I saw it in my classmates in 4th-8th grade especially.

    I rode docile trail horses and a sturdy quarter horse for farm work and fun in my late teens. early 20s,

    I admire a good horse, but I have no itch to own one. Some of my okie friends did serious competition riding.

    I’m glad to be missing that horse obsession. “I want a Shetland pony, DAddy!”

  25. Rhywun

    I didn’t get any bites earlier so here goes again ?

    Anyone have Verizon Fios? And like it?

    It’s available at my address now – I can cut the cord, maybe finally.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      I loved verizon fios when I had it a few years ago. Then frontier bought out our area, and it sucked ass.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        I had it 8 years ago, too. Heard that Frontier fucked it up for everyone, too.

      • Chafed

        I had exactly the same experience.

      • Plinker762

        I looked it up and new company bought out Frontier in the PNW. Their reviews are even worse, lol.

      • Rhywun

        *snort*

        The service here has actually improved since Charter bought out Time Warner, but the price is ridiculous. And I am not the person who wants to dance the dance with the idiots over the phone to try get a cut.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Local government calling the shots on who gets to operate these services, and yet people still clamor over “The GOVERNMENT must do something about this!” I see it all the time from streamers/audience on Twitch.

        I wish we could all just pick the service and provider we want. Hell, even half of what’s out there would be a buffet.

        I hope you find something you like, Rhy. I am pretty luck in that, while my options are limited, my provider (Grande) seems to be pretty decent. I guess it’s expensive, but we do have full cable package (outside of sportsball packages), and 1gb cable internet (and phone). It’s better than ATT, and several others I’ve seen.

    • westernsloper

      I know a guy who has internet through Verizon. I have no idea what plan or what Fios is but he gets hit with massive bills every know and then. He is also married to a facebook addict and probably has no idea what he signed up for. He claims he is signed up for unlimited bandwidth but then gets $1000 Verizon bills. I have no idea. All I know is their phone service was too much $ for me. I chucked them over a year ago. I am not a Verizon fan.

      • Rhywun

        I am not a Verizon fan.

        Me neither really, at least back when they were called New York Telephone then Nynex. But I want to dump cable.

      • UnCivilServant

        *sings off-key*

        We’re all Dis-connected.

        New York Telephone.

        */singing*

      • westernsloper

        But I want to dump cable.

        Move to the sticks and you can get yourself some good gubmint paid installed fiber 100mbps service for a cool fiddyfive a month. #thanksObama #thankstaxpayersofamerica Apparently us hillbillys needed some high speed internet. I wonder if they really thought that through because the majority of the folks around here are not big progressives. Or (just dawned on me) was this a big move to get the hillbillys the news they need with the new push of censorship? (where is my tinfoil?)

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        I’ve not had an issue with Verizon, as a cellular provider. While they me be pricier (not by much, based on total experience I’ve had), the service is good, and I like their product selection, for the most part.

    • EvilSheldon

      I have FIOS. It’s better than any of my locally available alternatives (Comcast, Cox cable, various DSLs.)

      • Rhywun

        Cool. I’ll look into it. Saw on a review site they aren’t doing installations due to you-know-what so no hurry I guess.

    • Deplorableme

      I have FIOS. Frontier owns it now (at least here in SoCal). Been very happy with it. Has been very reliable. I pay $80/mo for 200Mb bandwidth which is way more than needed. I’ve cut the cord on cable many years ago and haven’t missed it, as well as replacing POTS with OOMA VOIP for telephone service.

  26. This Machine

    OT: Has anyone shared this yet?

    I can’t stop laughing. Also (minor gripe):

    Sometime later, around 1 a.m., Rahman apparently threw a Bud Light bottle, filled with gasoline and lit with a toilet-paper fuse, through the broken window of a parked, abandoned cop car that had already been vandalized.

    For the last FUCKING time, you put kerosene in a Molotov cocktail, not gasoline.

    Amateurs, I swear.

    • Cancelled

      Parents who raise their kids with no consequences for bad behavior don’t do those kids a favor.

    • Plinker762

      gasoline mixed with ivory soap flakes, or so I have heard.

      • R C Dean

        This is the internet! You can but actual napalm additive on line, for chrissakes.

      • Cancelled

        Y’all are missing the biggest flaw, You don’t use a beer bottle, not enough volume and too likely not to break.

      • UnCivilServant

        Like these people can heft a larger container.

      • Nephilium

        Depends on the beer bottle, I’ve had some shatter when I tried to cap them. Of course, cheap wine bottles are designed to take more pressure and be less likely to break. Cheap liquor comes in plastic, which has its own issues. A full growler would probably be too heavy for you to toss a great distance, and it’s too damn embarrassing trying to use a “howler” (32 ounce glass bottle). No chance of chucking a 5 gallon glass carboy any safe distance (the glass alone is a threat at too close a range).

      • Cancelled

        Yet another reason not to drink cheap liquor.

      • This Machine

        That was going to be my second gripe but I limited myself to one, this time.

      • Plinker762

        Buy it online? and get put on a list? NO WAY

      • Cancelled

        Firebombs are for creating chaos and destroying property, so they are more weapons for the left. Our side should go with aimed fire.

      • Plinker762

        You use fire to channel them into the killing zones. Kind of like a portable mine field.

      • Bobarian LMD

        The gelling agent is key, but diesel is probably a safer alternative to gas or kerosene.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Drip torch mix should be fine for a Molotov cocktail. Diesel or kerosene mixed with gas 3:1 to 4:1.

      • Festus' Mustache

        We went 5:1 when we were burning slash. Diesel alone wouldn’t work in a Molotov. It would just splatter.

    • EvilSheldon

      3 parts gas-oil premix, 1 part Sulfuric acid. Craze the bottle with a glass cutter, then wrap it with a paper towel soaked in a solution of ammonium nitrate and dried. No need to light a wick. Shake well before serving.

    • Digby and the Wonder Llama

      Marius Loots
      @MaeztroML
      Replying to
      @Richard_Spoor
      The ignorance, hate and racism in this thread is the stuff of nightmares.

      Well, the terrorism apologists certainly are. Also–where are there any mentions of race “in this thread”, Marius? Or, is that just your knee-jerk response to anti-leftist sentiment?

    • DEG

      #1 – nice iChive gallery.

      #19 – nice wardrobe malfunction

      #35 – nice iChive gallery

      #37 – best of the bunch, and nice iChive gallery. Good one to finish on.

      • westernsloper

        Deg has the best Q post commentary.

    • Cancelled

      She pulls something down which causes an equal and opposite reaction on him?

  27. Drake

    My sister’s horse had something wrong last week and took it to Tufts. I was thinking how glad I am I don’t own a horse while trying to be sympathetic.

  28. R C Dean

    You left one out:

    Spend time around horses, and you will get hurt – thrown, kicked, bit, stepped on, crushed.

    • Cancelled

      Remember, it was a horse that defeated Superman.

      • UnCivilServant

        I thought it was the ground.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Well, at that point, why not just say ‘gravity’?

    • hoof_in_mouth

      Part 2 is next week. Two words: horse gimp.

      • Old Man With Candy

        Looking forward to it, and the flight articles. I haven’t flown in 20 years and I miss it terribly.

    • Hyperion

      I’ve hated them ever since one threw me off against the side of the barn, for just no fucking reason, out of nowhere when I was about 10. I made sure to get a big rock and bash him in the head and I never got on a horse again.

  29. Bobarian LMD

    Horror-se story.

    In 1985, young Bobarian is stationed in Fort Monmouth, New Jersey. His friend John is a texan horse rider. He talks Bob and friends into going to someplace in the middle of the Jersey Pine Barrens to go on a trail ride.

    This is one of those places where the horses follow each other and you get no say as to what you’re actually doing on the horse. John is horse experienced, so he gets the big young stallion and since Bob has been on 3 or 4 horses in his life, only once outside a corral, gets the old gentle mare that is the kindly Mom of the bunch. We spend about two hours riding out with the horses following in single file and changing paces on unknown cues.

    Turns out we’re going on a 25 mile loop out into nowhere. At roughly the halfway point, Bob notices that his horse keeps turning her head and looking at her ass. Then she kind of jumps and breaks formation and starts running full blast through the trees. She goes a hundred yards and runs dead into a sapling, bringing her to an immediate stop. The violence of the stop causes two things to happen.

    1. Bob’s saddle slides a foot forward and to about the 45 degree angle on the horse’s side.

    2. The very expensive Pentax camera Bob has strapped across his shoulders breaks loose and the strap slaps the horse across the ass.

    Boom. The horse now starts sprinting thru the large trees with Bob hanging sideways off the horse. Discretion tells Bob that now might be a good time to leave before the horse scrapes him off on a large pine. Because my horse is the Mom of the bunch, as I’m diving off, I realize every other horse is following us and John’s giant stallion is right behind me. (cont)

    • Bobarian LMD

      I hit the ground and did a near perfect PLF and rolled out the stallion’s way, but he managed to step on the aforementioned camera, followed by the remainder of the tourist horses with screaming tourists attached.

      The trail-master? managed to catch my horse and bring everything back into reasonable range and eventually get us all back into one group. They then spent 15 minutes assuring me that she’s never done this before and that the only way back was walking 15 miles or getting back on the bitch,

      The trail-master’s guess was a horse-fly bite that started the ball rolling. I had just started get comfortable and enjoy myself when this happened.

      For the remainder of the ride, you probably could not have pulled a pin out of my ass with a tow truck. And that was my last ride.

      • hoof_in_mouth

        There is no such thing as a safe horse, there is only probability of injury

      • Mojeaux

        You win.

    • Digby and the Wonder Llama

      the Jersey Pine Barrens

      a horse-fly bite

      So not where I thought that story was going.

      • Bobarian LMD

        STEVE COUSIN JERSEY DEVIL WAS BUSY THAT WEEKEND

  30. Q Continuum

    My uncle has a functioning ranch (passed down from my great grandfather), so he has “working” horses that actually serve a purpose. Of course he’s getting up in years and can’t really handle it anymore. His son doesn’t have any interest in taking it over. I’d like to, but it would be a pretty big lifestyle change. Hopefully it doesn’t leave the family.

    • Tundra

      CO?

    • Gustave Lytton

      Get some cows and you can spend all day playing with tits.

  31. The Late P Brooks

    I want to beat the little shit when she chucks the one in the dirt. Someone has to clean that shit.

    Tell that to Jet Li.

  32. SP

    Hoof in Mouth has actually been around nearly since the beginning. He’s just quiet.

    In fact, he promised me some posts a loooooooooong time ago. 😉

    He has now delivered them.

    • hoof_in_mouth

      Yup. Thanks for reading and letting me vent, er, work out my issues publicly.

      • Nephilium

        None of us here have ever vented. Ever.

      • westernsloper

        ?

    • westernsloper

      Well he did good. I enjoyed it.

  33. Old Man With Candy

    Horse is asshoe.

    • Hyperion

      And they don’t even have to be Chinaman horses!

      • Cancelled

        Hun horses historically harass Han horses.

  34. DEG

    When I was younger I had a theory that it was displaced sexual issues: wrapping their legs around a muscly, sweaty animal, rubbing their clit on the saddle (in English-style riding you “polish” the saddle that way while “cueing” the horse with your knees and butt). This was a fun thought, but ultimately incorrect view with maybe a single thread of correctness.

    Ultimately incorrect?

    This shatters my worldview.

  35. kinnath

    A black man stealing votes from a white man is racist!

    A Milwaukee Councilman is slamming Republicans for what he believes is a trick to lure black voters in Wisconsin to cast their ballots for Kanye West and steal votes from Joe Biden … but he predicts it will backfire.

    • mrfamous

      Those votes apparently are Joe Biden’s property.

    • Digby and the Wonder Llama

      Cavalier Johnson

      That’s gotta be his porn name….right? I mean–he’s too stupid for anything beyond it or politics.

  36. Hyperion

    Horses were good for two things, going places faster and taking more stuff with you. Then they invented the internal combustion engine. Glue factory, that is all.

    • straffinrun

      Uh, google 桜肉。

  37. Gender Traitor

    OT: This evening I took possession of the gift basket I won at a fundraiser for a struggling small-town bowling alley. I am now the proud owner of a bottle of Walking Dead Cabernet Sauvignon 2016, which is apparently not available from wine.com, AND a wine sippy cup!

    You all wish you were me!

    • DEG

      Nice!

    • UnCivilServant

      So, what are you going to cook with it?

      😛

      • Cancelled

        Brains, obviously.

      • Gender Traitor

        Damn your nimble fingers! I was looking for this.

      • TARDIS

        If brains were that cheap, I’d have a flying car.

  38. mikey

    Amen, Brother.
    I’ve seen all this first hand.
    Wife got us two horses when we first lived in Great Falls. Space and feed weren’t so bad and the wife got a job in a vet clinic which really helped. Fortunately I got an assignment to Germany and we had to sell the horses. Got back to the States and found land was way more expensive in MA than in MT. Hay? Fuck, it was sold by the bale instead of the ton ($ amount not much different). So,no more horses.
    Our son wasn’t so lucky. Divorced after 15 years. She loved the horses more than him.

    I’ve spent a lot of time around each and I’m not sure which is dumber horses of domestic turkeys. Your cartoon gives the horse’s brain too much credit – no horse brain power whatever is expended in deciding where to poop.

    • Cancelled

      I’m voting the turkeys, and the wild ones aren’t much smarter. Last time I was at the range a wild turkey sat on top of the berm, directly behind the target frame, maybe 7 or 8 feet total from where the rounds were impacting, and looked confused every shot I fired, but did not move.

      • westernsloper

        It was suicidal and you robbed him of his dream.

      • Cancelled

        Free Firing Range Poultry. Probably with a crop full of bullets.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Fort Knox deer (who were probably blind and deaf) would stand out in the middle of the tank ranges while we were live firing.

        The laser range finder on M1s are not eye safe and I assure you that every tank crew in existence has used one of those deer as a test of the equipment.

        Actually shooting a deer would have likely resulted in an article 15, but the sabot rounds have 3 petals that fly off in random directions within a cone around the target.

        Those deer didn’t even flinch when a 105mm went past.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        There are few birds more dangerous than the turkey.
        This is one of them.

    • hoof_in_mouth

      That’s the thing, there’s a set of women that really do love their horses more than their family! It’s weird. The sexy theory was putting a fun gloss on it, the reality is it’s closely related to the animal hoarding mental trap.

  39. SandMan

    Damn right we should be eating horses, just like the Euros and japs! And it should be open season on those feral ones that infest the West!

    • hayeksplosives

      Hey! I like the feral mustangs out in Utah. One of the few things to see on the drive to Dugway PG.

    • hoof_in_mouth

      I keep a can of horse in my desk

      • Bobarian LMD

        I have bag of horse that falls out every time I post a link of Joe Biden saying racist things.

  40. straffinrun

    Washed the dishes yesterday. Kid is eating spaghetti while glued to the TV. “Papa, get me some tea.” “Lazy kid, get it yourself next time. Geez.” I take a glass from the top of the heaping full dish rack, upset the Jenga balance and *Boom* the rack flips over and crashes on the floor, sending shards of glass all over the kitchen. I’m standing barefoot in the middle of this minefield and look at my kid. She was surprised for half a second at the *boom* before she casually goes back to slurping her spaghetti and watching TV. Horses may be bad, but anyone want this psychopathic kid?

  41. Mojeaux

    I was a little girl once and I fluuuuuuved horses. I’d been on a trail ride twice, both times with my dad behind me holding me in the saddle.

    Then I was about 8 and a country girl’s nag accidentally stepped on my foot. Okay, that was an accident. Nothing broken.

    And then … I turned 15. And rode a horse at a churchmember’s house. And got thrown. When I came to, I was on top of a pule of old gray boards with a nail sticking up about an inch from my face. Also? My hamstring was very very stretchy and stretchy hamstrings hurt like hell.

    So I decided I did not like horses.

    When I was 20, I was in Belgium, at the field across the lane from my family’s house trying to oet the horse that lived in that field. It bit me in the boob.

    Fast forward 30 years. My aunt (who lives with my mom and another of their sisters) has 4 horses. They are her PETS. They do nothing. They don’t get ridden. They’re fucking 30 years old, but they’re barely saddle-broken. That might be generous. One of them bit me while I was trying to feed it. I smacked him. Asshole. They are the cause of a great deal of family drama my mother should not have to put up with, but she does. I guess she’s free, white, and 21, so whatever.

    I despise horses.

    Needless to say, I like my horses in chrome and on 2 wheels.

    Aside. My plumber (we got to know him pretty well, as you might imagine) has a horse farm, shows, dressage, etc. One of their older stallions (inherited from someone who wanted to unload him) bit his wife pretty severely and otherwise had pretty bad behavior problems.

    He went out one day with a backhoe and dug a hole in the back corner of the back forty. Then he walked the horse out there with a gun in his hand. Bye bye bad horsie.

    • westernsloper

      Horses are assbackhoe.

    • straffinrun

      All stories with happy endings end like that.

      • westernsloper

        Whoa, your massages have ended way different than mine.

      • straffinrun

        That’s the way they begin not end.

  42. Mojeaux

    Regarding having a beast ‘twixt your legs. I will only speak to motorcycles.

    They do not have the expected effect. My tolerance was 200-300 miles before I had to lie down and slap an ice pack on my hoo-ha.

    Also, this was a fab article. Thanks!

    • Digby and the Wonder Llama

      Aww, geeeze…..

  43. Homple

    Horses are important training for young girls. They learn how to control a stupid animal by holding it between their legs.

    • westernsloper

      This theory has some validity.

      • Nikkodemus

        I should not have clicked on that…

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        I’m guessing that, ironically (or, maybe not…), that’s the only action she’s getting.

  44. Don did not Escape Bama

    I’ve said all this before: mom’s side were draught folk who moved on to walkers; favorite uncle is a farrier. Texas rule 2: don’t fall in love with a girl’s parents or horses before she falls in love with you (also known as the SMU/notworthit rule).

    • Hyperion

      Looks about right.

  45. Hyperion

    Humans are just animals

    Why don’t they just do it on the tables at restaurants, I mean as long as they’re wearing masks.

    Most woke thing you’ll read all day. Not claiming to know the answer, but please keep your weewee and your squaw humping in private, thank you.

    • Digby and the Wonder Llama

      Ben Mocha

      And his assistant, Carmella Macchiato.

  46. straffinrun

    So church congregations are meeting in Walmarts and casinos to get around the bans. Emergent order FTW.

    • UnCivilServant

      I thought casinos were temples to Greed, Envy, and Gluttony.

      • Gender Traitor

        If it’s gluttony you want, go to a church potluck supper.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’ve been. They don’t hold a candle to a big casino.

      • Gender Traitor

        I’ll accept that. I can’t remember ever having been to a casino.

      • UnCivilServant

        Here are two physically connected casinos.

        The second one has more food offerings.

      • UnCivilServant

        They’re also connected to the Excalibur.

        Back when I was planning on being out there, I went and looked at the abailable food choices.

        I think just browsing the menus made me morbidly obese.

      • Gender Traitor

        Yeah, that Irish Pub’s menu is making my jeans fit a bit more snugly.

        In the past, I’d heard that food was cheap in the casinos as a bit of a loss leader for the gambling. Did you see any prices to determine if that’s still the case?

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t think they post the prices online. Or if they do, I missed them. Just a $, $$, or $$$ hidden in the restaurant description.

      • Gender Traitor

        One of the desserts at Ri Ra Irish Pub:

        Bailey’s Dark Chocolate Pie
        Old fashioned chocolate pie of dark chocolate & Baileys Irish Cream, buttermilk crust

        I’ve never had a desire to go to Vegas, but I might go just for that.

      • straffinrun

        You get good odds on Pascal’s wager.

    • Gender Traitor

      Brilliant!

    • TARDIS

      Praising Jesus in the house of Satan? That is not going to end well. At least in this lifetime anyway.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        What are you talking about?? Church groups meet in peoples’ homes all the time.

        Have you seen what happens in peoples’ homes??

    • {|}===[|}:;:;:;:;:;:;:>

      I hope this is how we get Fosterites.

  47. UnCivilServant

    If, during basic training, a recruit qualifies for a marksmanship badge/medal/whatever their branch uses, is it ussed at time of qualification or at the end of basic?

    • This Machine

      At time of qualification.

      • This Machine

        To elaborate, we were issued the shitty badges day-of, but were encouraged by our drills to get the nice shiny STA-BRITE badges from clothing sales when we could. This was Army OSUT, so I’m not sure what the other branches do.

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, the story is about ATOM. Being a fictitious branch, I can make up their protocol, but for things that won’t impact the plot, I figure sticking closer to reality is a safe bet.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Shit maybe we did get them then. I held off of stabrite until just before graduation. I remember getting someone who was handy with a needle to replace my buttons.

        I can’t believe the number of year since then. Not as many as some here, but not single digits either.

      • UnCivilServant

        I misread that as ‘stab-rite’, but apparently they’ll sell insignia to anyone.

        Space force anyone?

    • Gustave Lytton

      Only single data pint, just after qualification. Come to think of it, I’m not sure we actually got badges, just our score reports. It was up to us to purchase the badges from the PX/clothing sales on our next visit. But to get back to your question, once earned you can wear it.

      • Don did not Escape Bama

        yeah: you bought the keeper medal and the ribbon if you wanted to wear it

        I don’t think there are subdued ribbons, so, in basic where you’re probably in fatigues all the time, you wouldn’t really have any chance to wear either in the office. If you’re in Class A for some reason you might pop them on, but I think guys go into town in civvies mostly?

      • UnCivilServant

        How often do they actually let recruits off base? My impression was that they were pretty much penned in until the end of basic.

      • Gustave Lytton

        For us, we had a twenty four pass off post at the 8 week mark the “end” of basic ( as part of an OSUT cycle like this machine). High scorers on marksmanship and maybe pt test got additional day pass, but may have been just been on post. Got 1/2 day or maybe 1/4 day pass on family day.

        Our cycle stretched over the holidays, so also got 2 week Christmas exodus to go home.

      • UnCivilServant

        Twenty four hours or twenty four days?

      • This Machine

        24 hours after the first 8 weeks – which is the basic training portion G. Lytton mentioned. Then I think another half day at graduation 4 weeks later, if I remember right.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Yeah, family day was the day before graduation. Turning blue ceremony, then released to our family and graduation the next morning.

      • UnCivilServant

        I guess Arkady won’t get far from the front gates.

        Thank you for answering my questions. It’s midnight here, and I need to get some sleep before work in the morning, so good night.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Thank you. Kind of fun to reminisce and dredge up memories.

      • Don did not Escape Bama

        I don’t know anything anymore.

        Boy Scouts has lesbians, Two Corinthians, savers are bad people, UI pays more than a job, Fiat owns Jeep: dogs and cats are living together everywhere. My perspective is useless.

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, what was it when the world was sane?

      • whahappan

        Ahem. You mean Stellantis owns Jeep.?

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Two Corinthians,

        I still don’t know what the hell this is, and I was first corrected on it almost a decade ago. I still feel like I missed the reference.

      • Tejicano

        The Marines don’t let recruits leave the general area of their quarters, much less the base, until they graduate from basic training. Until that point a recruit isn’t even told what his/her MOS (job/position) will be – all Marines train together regardless of what their MOS will be (they’re separated by gender though).

        Basic training for the Army is mixed gender and separated by general job category – they go right into MOS training at the same place right after finishing basic training. So usually they get some time off to go off base when MOS training starts.

        I went through Marine boot camp back in the 70’s but never did Army basic training. I did go to an Army MOS school as well as an Army NCO school (when I was 57) – which tries to give the feel of basic training I guess; spartan living quarters, strict control of your movements during duty hours, physical training applied as punishment for infractions.

  48. straffinrun

    With notable exceptions, Glibertarians is a Megadeath.

    • Gender Traitor

      ???

      • straffinrun

        My ESL teacher is running for president.

    • UnCivilServant

      We’re not that bad.

      I mean we’ve produced corpses, but not nearly a million of them. Even counting insects. Unless one of us is an exterminator.

    • hoof_in_mouth

      Whaddya mean I don’t support the system?

      • Aloysious

        I go to court when I have to.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Life’s fabric IS corrupt; shot through with corroded threads.

    • This Machine

      Nice story, tell it to Reader’s Digest!

      • Nikkodemus

        …And stay an inch or 2 out of kicking distance!

    • PieInTheSky

      or has been lacking in publicity lately

  49. creech

    “have a horse obsession, but I saw it in my classmates in 4th-8th grade especially.”
    That’s about the age that all the Catholic girls in my neighborhood were going to be nuns. None did. And I had nothing to do with their decision.

    • TARDIS

      And they all dutifully have their masks on.

    • Chafed

      You have taken leave of your senses.

  50. KSuellington

    Once upon a time I was riding a bicycle across Europe and I got to Trieste, Italy with a powerful hinger from fifty miles in the saddle. I went into a local deli and ordered a sandwich of what I thought was beef milanesa. Two bites in I knew it wasn’t beef. I finished it and promptly ordered a second sandwich.

  51. Digby and the Wonder Llama

    I’ve yet to meet a female obsessed with horses-that she willing talked about, at least. I had no idea this was an actual ‘thing’, beyond a few jokes and anecdotes.

    I do work with an officer that is a horse owner, but she has a farm, from what I understand. And, I’ve never really seen it flow over into the job, so I don’t see it as obsession for her.

  52. Bobarian LMD

    Forgot to add the tunes

    • Digby and the Wonder Llama

      Hey, Kamala–how about encouraging those pregnant womyn not to go to riots in the first place. You know; like responsib-look who I’m addressing.

      • Gustave Lytton

        She cares so much about mothers, she did her damnedest to put them in jail.

    • KSuellington

      Kamala should know that it’s not just women who are pregnant, plenty of men are as well.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        What they actual fuck….. OK, that was supposed to look like:

        I think Heddy Hedley qualifies for that: https://youtu.be/37v-6Zs5T10

      • KSuellington

        “You use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore”

        *Likely not the words used by Willie Brown to entice a young Kamala.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Well…..one could hope I don’t know how to respond to that. But, true.

      • Chafed

        Mic drop

    • Bobarian LMD

      Go fucking kneel in China, asshoe.

    • Digby and the Wonder Llama

      They want to abolish prisons, it would seem. I’m OK with that–I would much prefer killing criminals when they commit crimes.

      It is rather shocking to see so many people claiming to be journalists, and only dealing with one specific topic.

      • Plinker762

        Prison is a luxury of a rich society. If you can’t afford have a building and person to take care of a prisoner, you either kill your criminals or chop off a body part so everyone knows what they did.

      • PieInTheSky

        You can do the South American thing make a prison but no guards, just some soldiers outside shooting whoever tries to leave. Dump some food and let them be

    • Gustave Lytton

      Even in the before times, that looks like a prison. My high school’s hallways were easily twice as wide as that firetrap with half the students. Product of the depression. Also had a rifle range under the auditorium (sadly long gone by the time I went through).

  53. Digby and the Wonder Llama

    Anyone around here use DoorDash? I got an email from them shilling for customers to contact their legislators, in order to have them pass some restaurant bailout stimulus package. Because, apparently, the issue is too big for private solutions alone.

    I decided to reply to their no-reply address, and told them to not send me any more appeals to government power.

  54. Digby and the Wonder Llama

    The text of the email (cue eye-rolling):

    Elected officials in Washington, D.C. are considering legislation that would save independent restaurants across the country. Your elected official needs to hear from restaurant customers like you. TAKE ACTION HERE.

    Since the start of the pandemic, DoorDash has sought to support our restaurant partners. As restaurants have closed their dining rooms, we enabled them to continue safely serving customers with delivery and takeout in cities, towns, and suburbs in all 50 states. While actions by the private sector are important and needed, the scope of the crisis is so massive that successful restaurant recovery will require the support of Congress.

    85% of independent restaurants are at risk of closing permanently due to COVID-19, and we know these restaurants are the lifeblood of local communities across the country. They employ some 11 million Americans and an additional 5 million in their supply chains. Forced closings and the unpredictability of this pandemic have devastated these small businesses. Congress is currently considering the RESTAURANTS Act, which is a bipartisan proposal that would establish a $120B Revitalization Fund for independent restaurants in the U.S. The RESTAURANTS Act would:

    Protect the employment of some 16 million Americans.
    Generate up to $271B for the economy.
    Ensure that the 85% of independent restaurants at risk of closing permanently can stay open.
    Reduce the national unemployment rate by an estimated 2.4%.

    Congress will be considering this over the next few weeks and needs to hear from constituents like you! Join us and TAKE ACTION HERE to help save local restaurants across America.

  55. Digby and the Wonder Llama

    https://www.theblaze.com/news/cop-sexually-explicit-photos-victim

    A couple of talking points here:

    *Sex offenders apparently make bad romantic partners (who knew?)
    *Just what is the appropriate way to share explicit photos, when your a cop? What’s the appropriate way to comment on them?

    • PieInTheSky

      Just three days before her murder, McCluskey filed a police report alleging that her ex-boyfriend — 37-year-old registered sex offender Melvin Rowland — was blackmailing her with explicit photos. – how does a 21 year old student have a 37 year old sex offender ex?

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        By being a 21-year-old co-ed college student…and, probably, some father issues.

    • Chafed

      Investigating officers can reference the photos as needed to pursue the investigation. Whipping out nude photos of a crime victim to show uninvolved officers and your friends is prohibited.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        No doubt, but, that usually just barely cracks the surface of “sharing”, since you typically aren’t going to have that many investigators on one case. And, yes–they will share them with prosecutors and the like. I’m thinking about them sharing them ‘among the bros”.

      • Chafed

        That’s when it becomes inappropriate.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        You and I know this…..the coppers, not so much, apparently.

  56. Digby and the Wonder Llama

    Cool! Now do the teachers’ union, the Teamsters, the NYC Mayor’s office, the cab cartels, the….Oh, right.

    • Broswater

      I don’t know who I am more disgusted with : the thugs outside harassing and hurting those old ladies, or the cowards inside doing nothing, waiting for orders.

      There is no way any of this is going to end well for anyone involved.

    • Chafed

      Why on earth was she walking through the shit show?

      • salted earth

        Um…she’s used to living in a “safe” neighborhood where people behave themselves and don’t harass other people, she is a bit naive about the world, or she has no situational awareness.

      • Chafed

        I wasn’t blaming her. It just seems to me if you see a riot then it’s a good idea to walk away.

      • salted earth

        I know/didn’t think you were. I think sometimes people are just oblivious to their surroundings and often fear that I am one of those people.

      • Tejicano

        I dunno. Lady was using a walker – for some people who need those things walking around something can seem to be a lot more work than they are up to. I assume she thought they wouldn’t stoop to harassing an old woman with a walker – probably never happened to her before.

        I would be sorely tempted to wade into that group with a bayonet fixed on a battle rifle and teach them some hard lessons.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        I wouldn’t be dismayed if those responsible for that ended up needing walkers soon.

  57. salted earth

    I have been horseback riding maybe three times. The last time, the saddle slipped and I landed (standing) on my left leg.

    • Digby and the Wonder Llama

      Sounds kinda miserable, if it felt the way I imagine.

      • salted earth

        Not so bad, a sprained ankle. It happened about 4 years ago, never went to the doc and didn’t get an x-ray so there could be damage I haven’t noticed. The other horse stepped on my foot that day. It was a weird feeling, I noticed the slide, but before I could do anything I was on the ground. Scared the horse, she took off.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Coward horses!!!

      • hayeksplosives

        At least the horse didn’t step on you in its haste to run off!!

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Ah–the horsey coup de grace!

      • hayeksplosives

        I immediately pictured Craig Fergison”s Secretariat nodding vigorously from the barn door.

      • salted earth

        + 1 Geoff Peterson

        Late night memories!

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        + 1 Geoff Peterson

        Is this where I mention I have the shirt?

      • salted earth

        yes

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Not sure that link is working…

        Try this

      • salted earth

        nice

      • salted earth

        nice

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        I guess I should get 2!

        Oh, right….night squirrels

      • salted earth

        !

  58. hayeksplosives

    My dad was thrown by a horse once. Shouldn’t hVe been a big deal but he was > 70. He got a broken clavicle and a concussion.

    Still not too bad, Although we noticed him being confused and tentative after that. Then 6 weeks later he collapsed with ridiculously high blood pressure.turns out his blood thinners led to a subdural hematoma that was 12oz! That’s a Coke can’s worth.

    The surgeons drilled two hollow bolts into his skull and drained the hematoma. His thinking was back to normal immediate response the surgery,

    • salted earth

      That’s scary.

      • hayeksplosives

        Lesson I took from it is that just because the immediate CT scan at the ER was ok doesn’t mean a hematoma didn’t start slowly and grow up to 6 weeks later.

        So if you have a head injury and then get confused (more likely it would be someone else noticing for you), go back for another CT scan!!

    • Digby and the Wonder Llama

      Ugh….the whole things makes me a bit sick. Sorry he went through that.

    • Ted S.

      +1 Natasha Richardson

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        I thought that was a skiing mishap?

  59. Digby and the Wonder Llama

    The more I see and hear, the more I find that Tennessee is asshole.

    • Plinker762

      Well, if you’re not doing anything illegal……

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Your land is just sitting out there, in the open….what did you expect, comrade?

    • Gustave Lytton

      The invisible ink curtilage exception to 4A pissed me off when I first learned about in in CJ class.

      And the IJ has hired well.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        We never got around to that in my classes. I’m getting tired of policies that hamper citizens being created out of whole cloth, just because some Nazgul thought the government didn’t have enough power.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Unfortunately, one of those common law concepts that should be a dead letter. And I misstated that. Curtilage is the land immediately around the home, and the land outside of it has lesser protection. Even the curtilage doesn’t have fuller protection of the actual house. All of which flies in the face of my property, my control.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        OMG—Not Focus on the Family!!!

      • Gustave Lytton

        My folks got their stuff when I was a kid, so I just roll my eyes when someone calls it out like it’s something from George Lincoln Rockwell.

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        * Baseball cap with crustacean emblem: “DON’T BOTHER ME. I’m CRABBY.”

        AHahHAhAHAHahahahHAhAHAHahAHaahah

      • JD is in the United Karendom

        ADVOCACY:

        http://www.aclu.org

        aahahahhahahahahahah

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Exactly.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Exactly. It’s almost as if people wanted to stack the deck in favor of government control….

      • cyto

        I like how they went from “I can see it from the public street” to “i could see it from an airplane, if I happened to have an airplane” which justifies trespassing on private property to search around anywhere you’d like as long as it is not inside an enclosed structure.

    • cyto

      I love the Institute for Justice.

      Never read articles about the IJ.

      Never watch videos from the IJ.

      It always results in blind rage.

  60. Gustave Lytton

    One last drunken thought. If the NY AG manages to take down Wayne Lapierre and friends, can we have offshoot splinter groups like the Provisional NRA or the Real NRA?

    • JD is in the United Karendom

      #toosoon

  61. cyto

    How bad does Mayor de Blasio suck?

    https://www.cnn.com/2020/07/29/us/nypd-arrest-unmarked-van-response-trnd/?hpt=ob_blogfooterold

    Well, NYPD arrests some woman for multiple incidents of vandalism. It gets caught on video. There is nothing wrong with her arrest…. she resists arrest and is hustled fairly quickly into a van anyway. NYPD uses an unmarked vehicle, probably because protesters tend to vandalize the marked ones.

    So here’s what the Mayor has to say:

    Mayor Bill de Blasio said it was the “wrong time and wrong place,” to arrest the woman. The mayor was commenting Wednesday after a reporter asked him about the video.

    He went on to say that New York City is not Portland, Oregon, and that the NYPD officers are not federal agents. Portland has been the scene of ongoing protests that largely began after the killing of George Floyd and continued after President Donald Trump sent in federal forces around the July 4 holiday in order to protect federal property.

    De Blasio also said what happened was “troubling” and not the type of thing he wants to see in the city.
    “It is the responsibility of the police, if someone commits a response offense, they need to follow-up. Given the atmosphere in the country and the real concerns people have, it should not be in the middle of an ongoing protest,” de Blasio said.

    Great Job, Bill!

    You see, she is trans. And arresting trans people is bad, m’kay? And arresting people on video is bad, m’kay? And definitely arresting people who are protesting is bad, m’kay?

    How these people stay in office is beyond me. I would hope that the citizens of my town would run our mayor out of town on a rail if he said something that stupid. And our mayor is a friend… the kids used to ride to school together every day…. when we had school. Remember when kids went to school?

    • Digby and the Wonder Llama

      Lose your dick to gain immunity from criminal prosecution? He really is a cancer on humanity’s ass.

      #IHateEveryoneInThatStory

      • cyto

        #IHateEveryoneInThatStory

        Yes! That is the only sane reaction. The vandal/demonstrator, the police, the mayor, the “bystanders” who keep trying to get involved, the mom who keeps insisting that “she likes to be called Stickers” and the reporter who wrote an article about arresting a vandal wanted on 5 separate counts and managed to mention that the perpetrator’s mom says she likes to be called Stickers more times he mentioned what the arrest was for.

        I actually had more sympathy for the roided up cop who was running around threatening everyone to stay back than anyone else in the story. At least he did seem to be dealing with a potentially dangerous situation if he couldn’t keep people intimidated into staying back. And he was running around like a crazy person.

      • Digby and the Wonder Llama

        Why is it that NYC has all these “special units” of the NYPD, and yet, nobody seems to know about them, or, how they operate?

        I get that there will be some secrecy for certain units, as far as intricate details are concerned. And, as big as NYPD–you’re getting into standing army territory.

        But, it seems they do so many things that nobody outside is aware of. The Marshall’s office/warrant division can’t possibly be that much of a secret. So, why is it presented as a, “Would you look at this crazy crap!”?

      • Rhywun

        So, why is it presented as a, “Would you look at this crazy crap!”?

        You know the answer to that. Hint: the MSM are biased.

    • cyto

      Following on the “remember when kids went to school”… I wasn’t around when they banned Trump’s video where he says that kids are “immune” to the virus for spreading disinformation, so i missed the discussion here.

      But good lord, what a bunch of disingenuous BS that was. I saw the coverage on NBC as I was walking out the door, so I had to carry that around all day with nobody to vent to. (the wife adores everything about the Today Show. They can do no wrong, and let no man speak ill of their coverage)

      Anyway, they played a clip of Trump saying “Kids are basically immune to the virus, Ok?” The NBC White House reporter and anchor discussed “Trump’s repeated lies about Covid” and how dangerous they are. And “finally, the social media companies are taking action”, banning video of Trump saying that.

      Good lord.

      Now, it is strictly not true that kids are “immune” to Covid-19. But it also is not true that Trump was spreading disinformation. He was completely accurate in his assessment that kids are “Immune to (the effects of covid)”, which is what he obviously was talking about.

      I didn’t get to see any further context or do any follow up because I have other things in my life beyond researching how dishonest various public figures and media companies are.

      But for me it came in the context of watching coverage of the NCAA and their efforts to figure out what to do about Covid. And what they have figured out is insane so far. They have cancelled all championships for “lower” sports. NBC covered this immediately before the coverage of Trump talking about kids, so they set the context.

      And the NCAA was getting pressure for “endangering kids”. They covered a letter from a bunch of Pac-12 athletes that called NCAA leadership inept and had a list of demands. The NCAA president said they were working hard to protect their students, so they had already cancelled all division 2 and 3 sports.

      NBC pressed hard in their interview. “Is playing a game worth the risk?”

      Never once did they question what the risk was. Not even a tiny bit. It was clear that for a college kid, catching covid 19 was a death sentence. It must be avoided at all costs.

      These are the exact same people that repeatedly use the phrase “follow the science” in reference to climate change or lockdowns for Covid.

      This is the most unscientific nonsense of my entire adult life. And that is a life that includes national drug chains selling water and sugar pills for big bucks under the guise of “alternative medicine”. At least that fraud has some hand-waving rationalization. They don’t even bother with the whole kids going back to school stuff. They just proclaim the science to be on their side – we must protect the children from Covid! Because ….. children!

      I have followed every school board meeting here, and the discussions at various universities and athletic conferences at more of a distance. Nobody ever mentions “kids don’t even get sick from this all that often”. The NCAA president at least referred to “and a danger to their families when they go home”. I thought he was going to pivot into some rational strategy, like having the kids come to campus and stay there, instead of going back and forth to home. Nope. Nobody can think 2 steps ahead like that. Just “covid bad!” End of thought.

      Our school board has only one cranky white lady who asks intelligent questions. Everyone else goes down the rabbit hole of trying to look the most concerned about kids and especially teachers. And even she gave up on any thought of arguing for the kids to just go to school in the face of strong opposition from the union.

      It is absolutely nuts. It is like the entire world went insane all at once. Everyone keeps ignoring basic facts and getting all exercised about irrelevant ones. This feels like the middle ages. Or old Salem. We have people protesting police brutality in democrat controlled cities – who are democrats and who blame republicans for the problem of democrat government racism.

      I know it is just normal political behavior. I mean, we had the national democrat party and press complaining about “republican voter suppression” down here in south Florida in 2000 and ever since. The people running elections down here are all democrats. The lady who runs the Broward County elections is the same one who ran them in 2000. She’s done a terrible job every year, but she keeps getting re-elected because she’s a democrat. Our democrats down here are so terribly concerned about police reform that they are opposing the election of the Sheriff who was installed because the prior Sheriff was removed for being inept. You see, he’s a black democrat and he’s done a bunch to clean things up. He’s even really popular with the police because he’s doing things in a fairly consistent and transparent manner. But the DNC opposes him because he was appointed by the Republican governor. So they are fighting to put the original guy back in office. That’s how much they care about “reform”.

      Everything is just insane.

    • Rhywun

      Deblasio is the original “defund the police” radical. He has been vocally anti-cop since Day One. There was an incident five or six years ago where he mouthed off about the police and a couple days later two cops got blown away inside their car. The press had a field day with that one. So he shows up at their wake or whatever it is that cops do in that situation and the cops turned their backs on him. It’s been like that the whole time.

      Mind you, the police absolutely deserve, ah, “constructive criticism” but that is not what “America’s Mayor” has in mind, at all. The man and that ex-lesbian wife of his who is the brains behind the operation are Communist agitators.

  62. JD is in the United Karendom

    Spent many years around horses/horse people. Not the posh kind, just the weekender, and every spare moment type, and I can say the working livery stables there was a successful business with all sorts of horses and people. Good times. I did enjoy a horseback saunter through the country. It sounds like the ‘merican situation you describe isn’t quite as fun.

    • cyto

      I have seen both types. I have family who live in the hinterlands of Wisconsin. They are dirt poor, but they live in an area where dirt poor people have 10 acres (and an old double-wide that is falling apart). So they have horses. They found a hunk of land on a dirt road with a barn and a corral and they moved there. They even board a couple of horses for other people.

      I also live in South Florida, probably second only to Kentucky for the horse culture. Our CFO was one of the horse people described above. He had a race horse that was all about the tax deduction. I couldn’t figure out how he made sense of it, but he had a partnership and they owned a couple of horses and raced them around the country. They mostly lost a lot of money, but every now and then they’d have a good run and only lose a little money. He talked about it like people talk about their boats – the happiest days of your life being when you buy your boat, and when you sell your boat.

      Wellington and Plantation are full of people like that. Or at least they used to be. I’m not so sure any more. It seems like the horse thing is dying out – at least somewhat.

    • Gender Traitor

      Mornin’, UCS. Unreliable Coworker has put in her notice, so today I continue my refresher course in how to process Accounts Payable (which is my baby until we hire her replacement) and how to flag our member core data system and try to contact members when we get returned mail (which I’m apparently stuck with for good.)

      At least it’s payday.

      • UnCivilServant

        Does that mean you’re up to date on how to process her separation?

      • Gender Traitor

        Oh, that’s always mine as the Payroll Goddess.

    • Gender Traitor

      Meant to ask – has/have your guest(s) been & gone? If so, did you have a pleasant visit?

      • UnCivilServant

        They were only here for the one night. Their real vacation was further into new england.

    • Sean

      Morning all y’all.

      • Gender Traitor

        Morning, Sean.

      • UnCivilServant

        *snort*… I’m awake. I’m awake.

        Um… oh,

        Mornin’ Sean

    • UnCivilServant

      what’s with the kamikaze headband on the one sphere person?

    • Gender Traitor

      I chuckled. Thanks.

    • Rhywun

      LOL. I hope Biden just fades away. I don’t want to catch it.

    • Sean

      Heh.

  63. Festus' Mustache

    This article – triggered…

    • Gender Traitor

      What you did there…

      • Festus' Mustache

        *Sly Grandpa wink*

    • Rhywun

      Details do seem sketchy – and probably off. I expect nothing less from an AP wire.

    • Gender Traitor

      Such as why the bar is being evicted.

      …anti-gentrification campaigners, who are seeking to have the state buy up properties owned by large landlords.

      “We can’t have don’t want nice things.”

      • Rhywun

        “Campaigners” are the new “protesters”.

      • robc

        They are so close to the right idea. If you oppose gentrification, then you buy up the properties and keep them the same.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m wagering that the Syndicat Bar was not the most reliable rent-payer.

    • Rhywun

      And how many folks get the luxury of getting tested over and over again?

      *raises hand*

      Of course, it took three visits to the hospital.

  64. I'm Here To Help

    One day a few years ago while I was living in Germany, I was out walking my dogs in the woods surrounding our little town. I heard the horse coming, and was somewhat concerned – my dogs liked chasing animals, and had often pulled me over when suddenly bolting to the side to flush a deer or boar. Pulled the leashes tight, ready to control my dogs. When the horse came around the corner, the dogs had a definite “what the @#$%?!?” look on their faces, and slinked over to the far side of the path.

    It was the biggest horse I had ever seen in my life – easily over 6’5″ tall at the center of its back. When I got close to the rider, I asked him how much that horse ate. His response: “half the farm”

    I enjoy the horses in my area – reminds me that I live in an area where the neighbors live far enough away from me to keep horses in their yard. Also very happy that the horses are in THEIR yards, and that my wife has no interest in having one in ours. Although she has mentioned getting goats from time to time – I just go back and read her the story from here regarding the tree goat…

    • Gender Traitor

      Wow! Any idea what breed that horse was?

  65. Gender Traitor

    Chappelle runs afoul of the oh-so-woke folks around the People’s Republic of Yellow Springs, OH.

  66. Festus' Mustache

    The last time I rode a horse was similar to Bobarion’s experience. We were working on the QCI and somebody got the fine idea of going for a ride up the coast with some dude string outfit. I got the mean horse being as I was the only off-Islander and the people there like to test you at every opportunity. I was game, being about as full of piss, vinegar and semen as my ride “Conrad”. the first thing that asshole did after being saddled and mounted was to attempt to rub that annoying thing off his back by rubbing my leg against the corral fence and cantering a few steps and doing the same with the barn. We got him somewhat in control and then set off on our merry way at a nice walking pace, passing joints and sipping from flasks. Everything was fine until we got to beach and Conrad decided that he he had the need. The need for speed! Some horses have an urge to always be at the front, like many assholes we know and loathe and Conrad the cunte was no exception. He started galloping down the beach full-tilt through the surf and shingle! They hadn’t properly gauged the stirrup length for me so I couldn’t quite stand up high enough to avoid the magnificent pounding that Conrad and the ill-fitting saddle were giving to my crotch. The leader finally caught us after about a mile and managed to calm him some. Pretty sure they all had a good laugh at me and my tender bits’ expense. First and last time riding a horse. Judi and the girls love them but I have personally never laid eyes on those beasts.

    • Festus' Mustache

      Ask MLB.

    • CPRM

      We had two employees test positive earlier this week. I’m surprised we didn’t shut down, but glad we didn’t.

    • CPRM

      More Covid deaths.

  67. Sean

    https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-cancels-trip-upstairs

    WILMINGTON, DE—Amid the coronavirus pandemic, the Biden campaign has canceled the presidential candidate’s much-anticipated trip upstairs due to health concerns.

    Biden had planned to go upstairs, get a bite to eat from the refrigerator, and return to the basement, but due to coronavirus fears, will be remaining down there indefinitely.

    • Festus' Mustache

      Hot Pockets, Fresca and Cheetos.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Microwave popcorn

  68. CPRM

    I think I’ve made up my mind, if he’s on the ballot here this fall I’m voting for Kanye. My conscience will be clear.

      • robc

        When it was pointed out that he actually can’t win in 2020—that he won’t be on enough ballots to yield 270 electoral votes

        Do I need to point out to Forbes how this actually works? He doesn’t have to get 270, he has to get enough to prevent anyone else from getting 270 and finish in the top 3. Then have the House vote him in.

        On the ballot in one state is technically enough to win the election, if it is close enough. Its like they don’t even know the election of 1824.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I got a voter registration form in the mail, from the Republicans, never seen that before

  69. Sean

    https://twitter.com/MrAndyNgo/status/1291616742863564800

    Follow up from yesterday. Antifa STILL harassing this woman.

    They were nice enough to decorate her home too.

    *ponders ordering more ammo*

    Positive note – her neighbors came out to her defense.

    Negative note – she’s holding a bat instead of an AK.

  70. Yusef drives a Kia

    73 degrees right now, Heaven

    • UnCivilServant

      59 degrees, almost down to comfortable.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        we played yesterday afternoon in a pleasant 106 with a wind, it’a amazing how you can get used to it,

    • Festus' Mustache

      Lucky! We dropped into near forty-ish last night. The “summer that never was” two years in a row.

      • UnCivilServant

        Get into climate grifting and warn of the coming ice age.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        That’s Cali for the last 8 years I was there, I track weather as part of my job and there has been a cooling trend believe it or not

      • Rhywun

        I guess we got your summer. Hot AF here; well, until today.