Monday Afternoon Links

by | Aug 10, 2020 | Daily Links | 318 comments

Happy Fifth birthday to the youngest non-fetal child in the L household. Enjoy your last birthday as “the baby”, bud. We rented a bounce house with a water slide. It was a big hit with our kids, the neighbors, and a younger couple who is friends with my wife. Seriously, those two might have had the most fun. Although the neighbors’ four year old daughter was heard to declare as the thing was being set up, “this is going to be the best day of my life!” I hope it was. I know my two boys had a blast.

Florida Man tries to break into estranged wife’s new home with gun, gets planted by the new boyfriend.

I kind of wish American politics worked this way.

This guy really should have known better than to dip his fry in the company oil.

Projection? It seems both reasonable, and also like something that was tried 4 years ago.

About The Author

Brett L

Brett L

Brett set out to find America, the real America, the America of strip malls and serial killers, of butthole waxing and kelp smoothies, of cocaine and maggots. He sought it in the most American part of America—Florida: swamp gas and fever dreams, where love arrives on a rickety boat and leaves when it doesn't have the money for its fourth abortion. Oh, where has Brett gone? He’s drinking at the neck of America’s wang, chewing its foreskin and working its shaft. Brett is becoming legend. Brett can never die. Brett can never die. Brett is America, facedown in his own patriotic puke: the red his blood, the white his stomach lining, and the cold, cold blue his gas station slushie, spiked with coconut rum and tetracycline.

318 Comments

  1. Count Potato

    Happy Birthday!

    • Surly Knott

      A birthday shared with Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull. Good choice!

  2. Tres Cool

    I read that as “non-feral child”

    Happy Birthday, Brett Jr.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Florida Children are by definition all feral.

      • Cancelled

        Don’t you have to start off domesticate dto go feral?

  3. Count Potato

    “The homeowner acted in self-defense when he killed Ronald Fleet, 55, in Land O’Lakes Saturday afternoon”

    So it wasn’t assault and buttery?

    • Count Potato

      “Fleet kicked in the door and then retreated when he fired his gun at the homeowner and the homeowner fired back, Nocco said.

      Fleet was killed when he forced his way into the home a second time, the sheriff said.”

      That’s just stupid.

      • Viking1865

        That’s Darwin Award level dumb

      • Not Adahn

        Why would you invade a home carrying a .380? That’s not stupid, that’s mental.

      • Count Potato

        Fleet, Ronald Fleet

      • Fourscore

        Fleet, Ron wasn’t

      • Shpip

        Florida Man is not always known for his planning, foresight, or impulse control.

      • SDF-7

        I thought it was Manchester, Alabama that had Impulse control problems.

    • Agent Cooper

      Maybe he was just looking for a missing Indian maiden.

  4. The Other Kevin

    It would be just like those dirty corrupt Republicans to expose the Democrats’ dirty corruption right before the election.

    • Rhywun

      “The desperation is palpable.”

      I think I’ve read that here a lot lately.

    • Agent Cooper

      “his shrill voice is hilarious annoying AF”

      FIFY

  5. Count Potato

    “McDonald’s sued its former chief Steve Easterbrook over sexual relationships he had with three subordinates after it discovered “dozens of nude, partially nude, or sexually explicit” photos and videos in the ousted CEO’s corporate email account.”

    That’s just stupid.

      • Nephilium

        It’s not just c-suite. A manager at a previous place I worked was fishing off the company pier. And would talk to them about it on their desk phones… which he knew were recorded… because he was one of the people who had permission to pull the recordings (but not delete them).

        He left “seeking other opportunities”.

      • Grosspatzer

        “Opportunities”. Heh.

      • Ted S.

        Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!

      • SDF-7

        Please…. it’s alright, actually.

      • SDF-7

        He had the brains… she had the looks?

      • Nephilium

        She had a very Bettie Page charm about her. In my opinion, a definite WOULD.

      • Mojeaux

        It’s 1422. I’mmabout to put cannons in my war.

      • Mojeaux

        Shit.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I was working with my now wife when we met. But there wasn’t a supervisory issue or against company policy, nor did we use company resources. Well, not electronic resources. Use a burner phone and email, people!

      • R C Dean

        Same here. It was so long ago, we didn’t have cell phones. E-mail was pretty minimal compared to now.

        We actually, you know, talked to each other.

      • Grosspatzer

        Must be something in that special sauce.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Almost as dumb as my coworker who was downloading kiddie porn onto his work desktop.

      • Count Potato

        Yikes!

      • Nephilium

        Shit… I would not want to be part of that IT department when that was identified.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It was the nineties. Filtering didn’t exist.

      • mikey

        Had a coworker take his laptop to IT when the hard drive crashed. Unforunately for him they were able to recover all his data – including all the porn.

      • DEG

        Supposedly, a former company’s crackdown on Internet use on company time started because of something similar.

    • Agent Cooper

      “CEO’s corporate email account.”

      How do these morons get to be CEOs?

  6. The Late P Brooks

    Attorney General William Barr has promised the Justice Department will not take any action to influence the upcoming election. But Democrats and department veterans aren’t so sure about that.

    In opinion pieces and letters, they warn that Barr might be preparing to spring an “October Surprise.” There’s one big reason for that: recent testimony from the attorney general himself.

    “That’s what we’d do.”

    • Rhywun

      They must be astounded that the GOP might dare to play by their rules.

    • Rhywun

      It’s a good thing there’s no other way in or out of Indiana. ?

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        You’re assuming that the BLM/Antifatards are smart enough to leverage that.

  7. SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

    Projection? It seems both reasonable, and also like something that was tried 4 years ago.

    Barr/Durham/Trump are either really smart or really stupid. The smartest thing they could do is drop a massive report and indictments on October 10th. The dumbest thing they could do is “respect the electoral process” and stay silent until Biden pulls the plug in january.

    IMO, they are stupid until proven smart.

    • Rebel Scum

      We wouldn’t want voters to have relevant information prior to casting a ballot.

      • The Other Kevin

        That would be election tampering.

      • Hyperion

        Look, deplorable, the only fair thing is that democrats run a 4 year coup attempt, lock Americans in their homes and intentionally crash the economy, while republicans shut up and wait for their fate.

      • Hyperion

        Oh, I forgot encouraging people to riot, loot, and burn everything.

    • leon

      I know there is/was a case against McCabe, but that guy so obviously needs to be in jail. He admitted to planning a coup on 60 min. Comey should obviously be prosecuted. There is so much there it beggars belief. The only reasonable belief is that Barr is a company man protecting the little bureaucrats.

      • Viking1865

        The constant belief of Republicans is that “If we do Bad Thing X then the Democrats will do it to us later.” Which is absolutely true. But it’s also true that the Democrats will do it anyway.

        No Republican President will ever be allowed to govern again. That’s very clear. They will trump up some bogus investigation and demand that some Nonpartisan Civil Servant handpicked by the Deep State be empowered to run a fishing expedition.

      • kbolino

        The constant belief of Republicans is that “If we do Bad Thing X then the Democrats will do it to us later.”

        Constant belief of what Republicans? Not any that win national elections. They are happy to build up massive government programs then either ignore it or act surprised when those same programs get used against them. You’re not wrong that the current crop of Democrats will do bad things anyway, but nobody had to hold a gun to any elected Republican’s head to force him to create or expand the state apparatus that will later get used against him.

      • R C Dean

        The only reasonable belief is that Barr is a company man protecting the little bureaucrats.

        Make that “protecting the institutions”, and I agree.

        He and Durham may or may not string up a few low, maybe mid, rankers. But their number 1 priority is protecting the FBI and DOJ, and they will see taking out the trash at Main Justice as harming the institutions.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Yep

  8. The Late P Brooks

    The source added that Brennan has been told he is not a target of prosecutors.

    If we were talking about some random civilian, I’d assume they were lying. But I have to assume Brennan is off limits. You know, professional courtesy and all that.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      That, and he probably has dirt on half of DC

  9. Count Potato

    “All CEOs should have sisters like these.

    Goya Foods’ President Trump-loving CEO nearly lost his job last month as members of the family-owned business sought to inject new blood into the company through a partial sale to a private equity firm.

    As The Post reported on July 19, Robert Unanue beat back efforts to sell a 25 percent stake in Goya to BDT Capital Partners in a deal that would have forced him to give up the CEO role after 18 months.

    The Post has since learned, however, that Bob, 66, got his way only after his three sisters — Carol Freeborn, Mary Ellen Yorio and Lisa Unanue — threatened to never again speak to certain family members if they voted for the sale.

    The alleged drama started on July 8 — the day before Bob’s controversial White House appearance — when 53 percent of the Spanish-food empire’s shares were voted in favor of the sale to BDT during a preliminary nonbinding vote, sources said.

    On board with the sale were Bob’s two younger brothers: Peter Unanue, a Goya executive vice president, and Tom Unanue, who no longer works there, sources said.

    The brothers voted for the sale against Bob’s wishes because they felt their big bro had broken his promise to add three nonfamily directors to Goya’s nine-member board, sources said.”

    https://nypost.com/2020/08/09/goya-ceo-robert-unanue-saved-his-job-with-help-from-his-sisters/

    • Grosspatzer

      Do not mess with Latinas, they will cut you as soon as you turn your back, and they have LONG memories. /RIP, Mom

  10. Hyperion

    Prediction: Deputy Dawg ain’t gonna do jackshit.

  11. Count Potato

    “The Transportation Security Administration screened more than 831,000 people Sunday, notching its highest count since mid-March when the outbreak of COVID-19 brought air travel to a near-standstill.

    However, with air traffic nearing a five-month high, airport security is finding guns in passenger carry-on bags at three times the rate recorded before the pandemic.

    What’s more, about 80% of the guns are loaded.”

    https://www.foxnews.com/us/tsa-screenings-gun-seizures-us-airports-aug

    • Hyperion

      How else can they fight the virus? Fish tank cleaner is useless, says experts.

    • Not Adahn

      Well, what’s the point of having an unloaded gun?

      • Hyperion

        I’m still waiting for my plasma weapon, then I just have to push the button. No flying car, no plasma weapon, I haz a sad.

      • SDF-7

        Just what you see, pal.

      • Rhywun

        I won’t be back.

      • Chipwooder

        As Gen. Sline so sagaciously said in Spies Like Us, “A weapon unused is a useless weapon”

      • Don did not Escape Bama

        I remember thinking when this happened to Switzer: thank doG it hasn’t happened to me.

        Really, an honest mistake isn’t any reason to ruin a decent person’s life. As for me, I have two pistols that get carry duty or might make it into luggage or get left under a floor mat or whatever. My poka-yoke is the shadowbox approach: there are places they belong in the house at the end of the business day where it would be conspicuous if they are not there. They have homes and I see and carry them every day, and I know if, because of stupid local carry laws, they were ever not on my person for some occasion where them might be forgotten.

      • Not Adahn

        His daughter stopped by the house selling long distance plans (back when that was a thing.) She had the uncanny and distressing ability to simultaneously be hot and look like her dad. It was extremely confusing. She also smelled good. Really good.

      • Ted S.

        She also smelled good. Really good.

        So you’re Joe Biden?

      • Not Adahn

        Oh please, you think Joe could put together a horoscope every week?

      • EvilSheldon

        I’ve been tagged twice for accidentally carrying ammunition in my carry-on. Apparently if you look sufficiently innocent, it’s not that big of a deal.

        Probably a somewhat bigger deal if you get caught with an actual firearm.

        Anyway, these days I have separate gun containers and not-gun containers. The gun containers never get used as carry-ons, and the not-gun containers never touch a gun.

      • Brochettaward

        I was going to say that based on your posts here I’d wager there aren’t many bags you don’t have ammo in. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had brass in your pockets most of the time.

      • R C Dean

        Yup. Same with knives.

      • Bobarian LMD

        One of Letterman’s funnier jokes about that incident:

        “Of course he had a gun, he needed to protect himself from his players”

  12. Hyperion

    I still cannot believe that no one got the Tulsi’s tits eulogy post.

    • Count Potato

      Tulsi’s tits eulogy post?

      • Hyperion

        Yes. I asked if anyone did a eulogy for her assets because Tulsi lost her election, and her assets, a least a pair of them seemed to be such a popular topic around here back during the dem primaries. I believe a couple of people here even said they were voting for ‘them’, not really her.

        I guess I ruined the joke.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Hey, she’s got a fine asset too.

    • leon

      What do you want?

      “Glibs, Gliberinas, Vampires. I’ve come not to praise Tulsi’s tits, but to motorboat them.”

      • hayeksplosives

        What did you offer her thrice upon the Lupercal?

  13. The Late P Brooks

    This week, Fred Wertheimer of the left-leaning group Democracy 21 appealed to Durham directly in the form of an open letter on the blog Just Security. A public release of Durham’s findings, or indictments, will become a campaign issue with political consequences, he said.

    “If your investigation is not complete, you should not complete it until after the election,” Wertheimer wrote in the Thursday letter. “If the report is complete, you should publicly oppose any release of your report before the election.”

    Please don’t expose our crimes until it’s too late to make a difference.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I like the either way, don’t expose it request.

    • Ted S.

      “left-leaning”.

      AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      This week, Fred Wertheimer of the left-leaning group Democracy 21 appealed to Durham directly in the form of an open letter on the blog Just Security.

      “We can’t find a way to spin this subtly enough by ourselves, so we have to report on some blog post from a commie group that nobody has ever heard of to get our opinion out there”

      • leon

        Durham, you best not expose our corruption! Or we’ll call you a dirty election interferere.

        I love how “giving people true information about a candidate” has become election interference. Just like open carrying has become “Brandishing”.

      • Chipwooder

        NPR Supreme Court Reporter Nina Totenberg said, “Fred Wertheimer has helped write every campaign finance reform law since 1974.”

        CWAA

      • Ted S.

        The media insist every towel fall at exactly the same height.

  14. Rebel Scum

    Trolling

    President Donald Trump said Monday that his acceptance speech for the Republican presidential nomination will be held at either the White House or the Gettysburg battlefield.

    “We have narrowed the Presidential Nomination Acceptance Speech, to be delivered on the final night of the Convention (Thursday), to two locations – The Great Battlefield of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, and the White House, Washington, D.C.,” he tweeted.

    He tweeted that a decision on the location of the Aug. 27 speech will be made soon.

    • Hyperion

      Wait, isn’t McMuffin still in this thing?

    • Count Potato

      So no conventions?

    • Viking1865

      If he had gone on a diet four years ago and gotten himself in peak condition, he could have accepted the nomination from onboard a Dragon 2.

      That’s what I plan to do if I’m elected President.

      • Fatty Bolger

        So would that be Space Force One?

      • Spudalicious

        Yep.

    • Rhywun

      the cannibal coast

      Where do I sign up?

    • Hyperion

      Kid should have been out rioting and looting, then he’d be a hero. But now he’s going to jail. Didn’t his parents teach him anything?

    • leon

      Oh, man. They were right. Being a teacher is dangerous.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      The boy punched a teacher in the chest and was arrested on a felony battery charge, according to the arrest report.

      Felony battery charge for an 8 year old.

      ‘You understand this is very serious okay and I hate that you put me in this position and I have to do this. The thing about it is that you made a mistake and you have to learn from it and grow from it and not repeat the same mistake again,’ an officer sternly tells the boy as he nods.

      I see some strong merit to the defund the police position. Not to replace with the community led policing or whatever. Just be done. Cut the laws to the 10 or so needed that actually involve harm to others and you could easily cut police departments by 90% without blinking.

      • leon

        I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

        I imagine that was missing from your quotes.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Why would you invade a home carrying a .380?

    You go to your doom with the gun you have, not the gun you wish you had.

    • Not Adahn

      Ah, but if you’re going to your doom, you should buy a SuperMurderAssaultRifle45 on credit, since you won’t be needing to pay it back. You can even splurge on the gold-plating.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Could have been worse. Could have been a .25.

    • SDF-7

      Honestly, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the second headline actually happens — maybe not in Chicago, but somewhere with these autocratic nuts.

      • Not Adahn

        Black women are homophobes, it is known.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Even the black lesbians?

      • Drake

        I would assume they are afraid of her.

      • Not Adahn

        *discovers youtube has deleted the videos*

        *wonders if HM has them saved*

  16. Ownbestenemy

    Chipwooder – What radars did you work on? Also I have to rethink my thoughts on Pope Jimbo and the navaids thing, that is unsettling. I guess as long as it wasn’t ground radio.

    • Chipwooder

      Our PAR was the AN/TPN-22 and our ASR was the AN/TPS-73. Displays were the AN/UYQ-34. I’m assuming they’ve all finally been replaced by whatever new system they’ve been working on – when I got out in 2006 there was one called ASPARCS that we were told was imminently coming online, but friends who stayed in at the time said they never got that one to work properly so it was shitcanned and some other thing was being developed. My buddy who was sent to Pax River for a time as part of the test team said the entire program was idiotic. They were replacing two well-functioning, but old, systems with a new system that did both jobs but neither as well as the dedicated system it was replacing.

      • kbolino

        They were replacing two well-functioning, but old, systems with a new system that did both jobs but neither as well as the dedicated system it was replacing.

        And after spending billions of dollars on it and other related projects, they no doubt were able to save tens, maybe even hundreds, of millions of dollars by doing that!

      • Chipwooder

        The Pentagon Wars was actually a documentary.

      • hayeksplosives

        I used to work at United Defense. It was not a feeling of pride I got from seeing the logo during that documentary.

      • l0b0t

        When our unit did a rotation at NTC Ft. Irwin, my squad leader and driver were both out on leave so I got stuck in a FAAR (AN/MPQ-49 Forward Area Alerting Radar) squad for the exercise. The squad leader was short-time so he and I were sent off to meet some fellows from Lockheed-Martin who gave us a fancy, (almost) man-portable radar system to test to see if Army might buy it. The TDAAR (Tactical Display Area Alerting Radar) was pretty cool – a big tripod that held a rotating antenna and a slaved display box. We broke the ever-loving shit out of it within the first week (it came unmoored in a windstorm and went tumbling down several hundred feet of mountainside). The Lockheed guys were furious, but, hey, we discovered it was not soldier-proof and could not be trusted in the field.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Only trained on the PAR, luckily didn’t have to maintain. I was stateside so I only worked GPN-20 and TPX-42 along with the NEXRAD. The downrange radars haven’t changed much, at least from what I hear from my buddies that stuck it out. My 6-year enlistment came up and I got the hell out in ’09. Too bad too because I was selected to be QA in Korea for the auto-track radars but I would have had to reup.

    • Pope Jimbo

      NAVAIDS RULE!!!!

      Radar pogues are always the divas. Whatever our differences, I think we can all agree that the Comm techs were mouth breathing bottom feeders.

      I’m trying to remember the one radar I qualified on school before they booted me. UPN-15? I was training on the AN/TPN-22 when they finally figured out that sending me back to radar school was stupid and let me out.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Okay, we can agree on that; shitty being in a Comm SQ wearing a maintainer badge, but we were awesome and they were poopy heads. Never touched electronics (except computers) until they threw me out to Biloxi but damn did I enjoy it and am good at it.

  17. leon

    A homeowner was “utilizing his Second Amendment right to protect himself and his family” when he shot dead a man who broke into his home with a gun, a Florida sheriff said.

    YOU DON’T HAVE THAT RIGHT, its about MILITAS! Only you Paulistas who don’t represent AMERICA would believe that!

    • Ted S.

      He was in fear for his life!

    • Not Adahn

      Sorry, you’ve been too sane for too long for us to believe you’re Hihn.

    • kbolino

      I still don’t understand why the government would need to protect its own right to bear arms, when the power to create an army and navy was already spelled out in the Constitution. Given that the implied powers doctrine applies in every other case, why did the power for the government to arm its legal military need to be spelled out?

    • Viking1865

      Talk is cheap.

      • leon

        Words like Violence, Break the Silence.

      • Hyperion

        Talk is all you’re getting out of Deputy Dawg. He’s too busy chewing a big giant pork chop.

      • kbolino

        He dropped all charges against Flynn and how has that worked out so far?

      • kbolino

        That come off a bit more antagonistic than intended. I’m not praising or defending Barr, but it’s not like he’s got the prosecutors or the courts on his side.

    • Roland of Gilead

      Nope. Ample bust and posterior.

  18. Hyperion

    Speaking of antifa, I guess I will post this link. I’m not sure how I stumbled upon this late last night, but I got some good laughs out of it.

    47 reasons to not move to Portlandia

    • leon

      Seriously, this reason alone should be the main reason not to move here or anywhere in Oregon. No one ever told my Californian ass that Portland had dangerous poisonous spiders that can and will invade your house. If this doesn’t keep you away from Portland, then it’s likely that nothing will. The rest of these reasons just are not poisonous house invading spiders. The end-all.

      LOL

      • Bobarian LMD

        #27 is true in all 50 states.

    • Gustave Lytton

      But Oregon does not have much in between. City Bernie Washed zombies, country racist rednecks.

      GFYA.

      • Hyperion

        I noticed is that it’s apparent the person does not drive. Otherwise ‘You cannot make a left turn in the city’ would have made that list for sure.

    • Plisade

      I got the good news today that my pops is leaving Lincoln City, on the Oregon coast SW of Portland, and moving to The Villages to become Florida Man!

  19. Rebel Scum

    Nancy P. is a little testy.

    “You’re known as a master negotiator, but didn’t you mess this one up?” Wallace asked. “You knew that the president was threatening to take this executive action. I understand that you weren’t going to get everything you wanted and didn’t get everything you wanted, but should you have cut a deal?”

    Pelosi, visibly upset by Wallace’s question, told Wallace he “clearly” did not “have an understanding of what is happening.” …

    Pelosi also reacted to questions about the negotiations in an interview with PBS on Friday by accosting anchor Judy Woodruff for “playing devil’s advocate” when challenging Pelosi about the Democrats’ stance. In the interview, Pelosi accused Woodruff being an “advocate” of congressional Republicans after Woodruff suggested that the GOP demonstrated flexibility in the allocations of the bill and pointed out that money designated by Congress in the spring is still waiting to be spent.

    “Democrats want more money, Republicans want a lot less,” Woodruff began. “They are saying they’re willing to show flexibility, and they’re also saying a lot of the money that was passed in the spring, Madam Speaker, has not even been spent yet.”

    “Well, if you want to be an advocate for them, Judy, if you want to be an advocate for them, listen to what the facts are,” Pelosi snapped back.

    “The point is, we have a bill that meets the needs of the American people. It’s called the HEROES Act. They [Republicans] don’t even want to do state and local, and when they do, it’s very meager and they want to revert money from before,” she added.

    • kbolino

      They [Republicans] don’t even want to do state and local

      Why, it’s almost like we have a federal system of government! You know, the same federalism that Pelosi magically remembers exists whenever it’s convenient.

      • hayeksplosives

        Even Biden knows you got the thing, you know?

      • leon

        Come on, Man!

        Rhyunn Mentioned Queen’s Bicycle Race in reference to Joe Biden riding a bike. That song is too perfect for Joe Biden:

        You say “coke”, I say “caine”
        You say “John”, I say “Wayne”
        “Hot dog”, I say, “Cool it, man”
        I don’t wanna be the President of America

      • Rhywun

        Wasn’t me. I don’t know what that is.

    • leon

      Well, if you want to be an advocate for them, Judy, if you want to be an advocate for them, listen to what the facts are

      [CUT!]

      And if you don’t want to be an advocate for them, listen to your bullshit Nancy?

      • kbolino

        Since when have facts mattered in Congress?

    • Grosspatzer

      I can see why Biden might not want to be interviewed by Wallace.

      • Brochettaward

        It’s amazing how appalled Democrats act when they’re actually challenged by the media.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        If you don’t lick their boots, you’re the enemy.

      • kbolino

        Politicians and the press should have an antagonistic relationship. But the press also shouldn’t act like martyrs when they get called out.

    • The Other Kevin

      “You’re supposed to be an advocate for MY side, remember?”

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Nothing to see here

    Federal Elections Commission (FEC) Commissioner Ellen Weintraub warned Monday that there’s a “substantial chance” results for the presidential and down-ballot races may not be known on election night, as voters will likely shift to more mail-in ballots amid the coronavirus pandemic.

    “Let me just tell everybody, we’re all going to need to take a deep breath and be patient this year because there’s a substantial chance we are not going to know on election night what the results are,” Weintraub said on CNN’s “New Day.”

    “Probably for the presidency, but maybe for many other races that are important to people, and that’s OK. If it takes a little bit longer to count all the votes accurately, that’s what we need to do in order to ensure that everyone’s vote counts,” she added.

    Weintraub said mail-in and absentee voting will be a “preferred alternative” for many voters this year due to the coronavirus pandemic. She noted that there was an increase in absentee voting during the recent Kentucky primary compared to other years.

    President Trump has repeatedly railed against mail-in voting, making unsubstantiated claims that it leads to voter fraud.

    Eventually, the Oracle will emerge, and announce the results. Trust us, it’s all on the up and up.

    • Rebel Scum

      They will keep finding boxes of ballots in trunks of cars until Democrats win.

    • kbolino

      The whole thing has become such a song-and-dance, and it didn’t start just this year, that it is little wonder lots of people don’t trust it.

    • Grosspatzer

      “We’re still waiting for Cook County to report” /remembers 1960 election drama.

    • Hyperion

      “If it takes a little bit longer to count all the votes accurately”

      We’ll keep counting until we get it right.

      I’m sure you will.

      IOW, sometime in December, John Roberts will decide who’s president.

    • Rhywun

      and that’s OK

      No, it’s not.

      • Sean

    • Urthona

      I think they’ll be able to call most places on election night.

      • Pope Jimbo

        So do I.

        “Tonight the current vote tally is Trump: 60M and Biden 30M votes. We at CNN are calling it for Biden. We’ve been told that the late trend as more votes are found is that they are breaking 90% for Biden and that that should be enough to push him over the top”

    • Bobarian LMD

      They make a pretty big deal about the guy poking the other guy with the flag, but make no mention of the getting poked pulling knife, while the guy on the bullhorn is reminding the anti-anti-fa to not pull their guns “go ahead and punch each other in the face”

  21. Fatty Bolger

    Apropos of nothing, I tried watching Space Force on Netflix. Man that show is bad. Like, really, really bad.

  22. Brochettaward

    Bored with mere Firsting by means of posting first in each thread, I am forced to resort to increasingly dangerous stunts to continue to get the high of being First. I have reached such levels of Firstness that there is no other way for me to ascend. Today I will attempt to be the 30th thread in the PM links.

    • Brochettaward

      Nailed it.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Weird flex but OK.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Is this going to end with someone finding you in a closet with a belt around your neck and your laptop open?

      Auto-firstic asphyxiation: Trying to enhance the rush of being first by slowly cutting off your oxygen while posting.

  23. Pope Jimbo

    Unarmed Civilian Teams To Hit Minneapolis Streets To Help Prevent Violence, Engage Community

    The goal is to recruit and train community responders now to get them out on the streets as early as this month. They will not be there to replace the work of police.

    “Maybe there’s a large congregation of youth on a corner or at the park or something and the call would be for suspicious activity in the sense of they don’t know what they’re doing,” OVP consultant Jamil Jackson said. “That would be a call that we would go engage.”

    Over/Under on how long before we get “Who could have seen that coming?” stories? I’m sure the tax payers of Mpls won’t mind coughing up millions to pay the surviving family members of the community responders after they get shot.

    • Count Potato

      I give it a few days before it happens, and a couple of weeks for stories.

    • Agent Cooper

      #CurtisSliwa?

      BTW- if you live in NYC, you can vote for him for mayor.

  24. Pope Jimbo

    Oh to be a government drone. That is the life for me! No worrying about minor things like economic melt downs for you.

    Minnesoda has gone from a projected $1.5B surplus before the lockdown to now looking at a budget deficit of at least $2.4B. And what have we done? Nothing except give state workers a 2.5% raise.

    In May, the state budget office projected a $2.4 billion deficit for the two-year budget period that ends next July. And last week, the same office released an estimate for what the recession would do to the current forecast for the next two-year budget: an additional $4.7 billion deficit.

    That it came so suddenly and was such a reversal from a budget with a $1.5 billion surplus in early spring added to the shock. But despite the suddenness of the COVID-19 recession — and the depth of the hole it has created — there doesn’t appear to be much haste or panic in state government.

    Gov. Tim Walz had ordered a few savings: a mostly symbolic pay cut for commissioners, some job losses at prisons and a hiring freeze for jobs not considered essential to pandemic response. Compared to other states, Minnesota hasn’t taken drastic measures, or many measures at all.

    A $2.35 billion rainy day fund, hopes for more help from Congress and the awkwardness of getting a deal in a divided Legislature have tilted decision makers toward waiting. And now, election politics suggest there will be no significant action anytime soon, and perhaps not until the new Legislature is sworn in in January.

    “We’re in a little better position than a lot of states, probably in the Top 10 for being prepared,” Minnesota Management and Budget commissioner Myron Frans said this week. “The key to a budget reserve is to buy you time.”

    Without the reserve, the state’s legal requirement to stay in balance would have meant slashing payments and cutting jobs, Frans said. And there have been some layoffs: at the Minnesota Zoo and at the Department of Corrections. But across state government, widespread job cuts and pay reductions have not been instituted.

    In some ways, the state has gone the other way. A proposed supplemental budget last month would have spent much of the savings from the hiring freeze. And in July, over the objections of Republican legislators, a 2.5 percent pay raise for 47,000 state workers kicked in at a cost of $750 million in the next budget.

    I honestly thought that no matter who became governor last time, no one could be worse than Gov. Mumbles. But for Pete’s sake, how do you fuck up your state this bad?

    • hayeksplosives

      It makes my move to CA seem slightly less insane.

    • Viking1865

      hopes for more help from Congress

      This is why the entirety of the Democrat state governors, and many of the Republicans, are praying for a Biden win. They absolutely need the feds to bail them out of the mess they have created by locking down for months on end.

      • Ed Wuncler

        I loved how Governor Prittzker said that we were on budget before the Corona shut downs.

      • peachy rex

        How sad is it that’s worse than multiple Governors who *went to prison*?

      • Ed Wuncler

        Fuck man, I would take Blago back over the current governor we have.

      • peachy rex

        Pritzker and Lightfoot are just the pair to tackle a BBB-…

        Counting the days until I get the fuck out.

  25. Mojeaux

    Okay, let’s try this again.

    Cods & Cuntes 2, Trebuchet Boogaloo.

    It’s 1422 and I’m going to use cannons.

    • R C Dean

      Well, which is it? Trebuchets, or cannons?

      • Mojeaux

        Por que no los dos?

      • Gender Traitor

        Launching lit cannons from trebuchets!

        (Didn’t I see that in Clash of Clans?)

    • Count Potato

      Oh, Mojo, check out Maglok.

      • Mojeaux

        Oooooooooh that’s nice. Pricey, though. Goes in prepper wishlist.

    • Spudalicious

      What are you going to do about the Hawaiian shirts?

      • Mojeaux

        Hyperbole says that since it’s MY story, I can have as many Hawaiian shirts as I want.

      • The Hyperbole

        and Gatling guns! you should give them Gatling guns.

      • Mojeaux

        *scribbles notes*

  26. SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

    Trashy vent incoming.

    Wife: did you run the dishwasher while I was gone?
    Me: yeah. why?
    Wife: well, you could’ve fit more.
    Me: *glances at the one bowl soaking in the sink. leaves room in silent rage*

    This is why I don’t do anything around the house. Better to get nagged for not doing it than to get nagged for doing it wrong.

    /vent

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Because I’m stupid, I would do something like throw the bowl in the trash and said “Problem solved”

      • Count Potato

        You must have a very comfortable couch.

    • The Hyperbole

      I thought the time-honored strategy was to do it so poorly you are never asked to do it again.

    • grrizzly

      I hate unloading clean dishes from the dishwasher. So, I just wait and sooner or later the dishwasher is empty.

    • Viking1865

      “Better to get nagged for not doing it than to get nagged for doing it wrong.”

      I have a simple policy that applies to both work and home. Either I can do it, or you can do it. But we’re not doing a “you can do it under my supervision and doing it exactly the way I do it.”

      • Mad Scientist

        ^^THIS^^ If you don’t like the way I vacuum the house, then do it yourself.

    • Gender Traitor

      Pregnant woman hormone spike confirmed.

    • Ted S.

      We don’t have a dishwasher.

  27. Ed Wuncler

    It’s amazing how in touch white liberals believe they are with the black community. This may be anecdotal but most of the black folks I know from my social media pages are all pissed about the looting and rioting going on in their neighborhoods and downtown Chicago. But yet a lot my white liberal acquaintances are making excuses for the rioters and looters. Some of them mean well but what pisses me off is if anyone confronts them and tell them that looting and rioting hurts the black community more than it does the so called oppressors, they get offended really fast. You know…. despite not having to suffer the consequences of having your businesses destroyed and leave the community

    • Viking1865

      I maintain that there are fewer sentiments in America more racist than “only white people worry about safe streets and good jobs”

      • Ed Wuncler

        Oh yeah. I even told some them about my parents and neighbors being scared shit less during the riots and they all basically said, “It’s sad that they are scared but this is the result of oppression…so whatever.”

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Nobody likes having their faith questioned.

      • Viking1865

        Your parents and neighbors lives, property, and emotional well being are just the eggs that the revolutionary vanguard must use to make the beautiful omelette of Biden winning the election.

    • Grosspatzer

      Piermont NY is a very trendy little town about 15 minutes from me. Was walking around there with my wife yesterday, cuz there ain’t a lot to do hereabouts these days. Every single establishment (except maybe the local tapas joint) has “BLM!!!” displayed prominently somewhere near the entrance. I figure it’s a talisman to ward off any peaceful protesters who might happen by, because you’d be hard pressed to find an actual black person in that town. I think the locals there support Black Lives as long as they are kept at arm’s length.

      • Ed Wuncler

        In Chicago, when you take the Red Line towards the Dan Ryan stop, you won’t see one white person on the train after 55th and Garfield (that’s the stop for the Museum of Science and Industry and the University of Chicago) but yet they are always saying that people should shop at black businesses and eat at the restaurants.

      • invisible finger

        Ed you made me flash back to the mid80’s when the only restaurant south of Hyde Park and east of Kedzie ever mentioned in Chicago Magazine was Phil Schmidt’s in Hammond. (Sadly gone)

        I haven’t looked at that magazine in over 30 years but I’m certain nothing has changed. They might mention a place south of Hyde park when they do a street food issue but that is it.

      • Mostly Peaceful JaimeRoberto

        Guilty as charged. I road the red line to that stop once. Once.

      • peachy rex

        A number of places near me put up “Black Owned Business” signs during the June riots. Guess no-one told them the looting was the fault of white supremacists.

      • Rhywun

        In my part of Brooklyn I’ve seen that in exactly one business, my pet store. We are not trendy or particularly liberal (for years we had the only GOP representation in NYC). Instead it’s mostly middle-class immigrants and remnants of the old Eyetalian community and a sprinkling of yuppies like myself who got tired of the rest of the city’s shit.

      • hayeksplosives

        Lots of Orthodox Jews? That’s a growing community isn’t it?

      • Rhywun

        Not so many near me – it is after all Little Cairo around here – but next door in Dyker Heights and Bensonhurst there are many.

    • Mostly Peaceful JaimeRoberto

      Those people must have been the inspiration for Chris Rock’s teacher in “Everybody Hates Chris”.

  28. hayeksplosives

    I watched Tropic Thunder last night, assuming it will be cancelled even though it is making fun of Hollywood by casting a white Australian (Downey Jr) to play the only good African American role in the movie.

    Despite Ben Stiller, I had a few laughs.

    • Plisade

      That is my favorite comedy of all time. I remember laughing out loud when seeing it for the first time in the theater. I was the only one :/

    • LCDR_Fish

      Really gonna buy the blu-ray soon. It’ll be OOP eventually.

  29. Gustave Lytton

    If you have to explain your analogy in detail because your audience doesn’t understand it, maybe it’s not a good choice for an analogy.

    • Brochettaward

      No. The problem is the audience.

      • hayeksplosives

        Dog-faced pony audience!

  30. Timeloose

    Apparently someone was shot outside the White House gates a few min ago.

    • Timeloose

      Or was shooting.

    • Count Potato

      “President Trump on Monday was abruptly escorted away from the White House briefing room just a few minutes after taking the podium for a press briefing, but quickly returned to tell reporters, “There was a shooting outside of the White House.”

      Describing what he knew about the situation, the president said it “seems” an armed person was shot by Secret Service and had been taken to the hospital. Trump said no one else was injured.

      “It seems that the shooting was done by law enforcement,” he said.

      Several minutes after initially taking the podium, someone – who appeared to be a Secret Service agent – told the president something before Trump stopped and walked out of the room.

      “Excuse me?” the president said to the agent before exiting.

      After returning to the podium, Trump said a shooting took place outside the premises of the White House near the fence. He said more information would be released later.”

      • TARDIS

        Please let it be [redacted].

  31. DEG

    That sounds like a great birthday party. Happy Birthday to your kid!

    Fleet kicked in the door and then retreated when he fired his gun at the homeowner and the homeowner fired back, Nocco said.

    Fleet was killed when he forced his way into the home a second time, the sheriff said.

    Good riddance to bad rubbish.

    McDonald’s sued its former chief Steve Easterbrook claiming he had sexual relationships with three subordinates after it discovered “dozens of nude, partially nude, or sexually explicit” photos and videos in the ousted CEO’s corporate email account.

    What’s the point of being the king if you can’t enjoy it?

    In opinion pieces and letters, they warn that Barr might be preparing to spring an “October Surprise.” There’s one big reason for that: recent testimony from the attorney general himself.

    I’ll believe Barr has an October Surprise when I see it.

    • Brochettaward

      I would still would Milano. With prejudice. Just need a wig.

      • TARDIS

        You, or her?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        It’s to stuff in her mouth.

      • Fourscore

        But you wouldn’t be first!

      • Ozymandias

        Underrated comment right here^^^

    • Gustave Lytton

      I’m running out of relevant Alyssa Milano music videos to link to. Her bench isn’t very deep.

      • Gustave Lytton

        That’s what I mean. I used it yesterday in reply to the mention of that video.

      • Nephilium

        Well, you’ll have a new reboot to watch soon.

      • Rhywun

        I forgot she was on that. I was not a regular viewer because that show was terrible.

      • Rhywun

        In fact until recently I’d have to say the only thing I saw her in was when she played an alien-possessed sex maniac on The Outer Limits.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I remember Embrace of the Vampire.

      • Count Potato

        That episode was great.

      • Sean

        Eeeeeeeewwwwwwww!

  32. Pope Jimbo

    Well this sure isn’t a good time to look into this story about Ilhan Omar’s father and his death being a day before the primary.

    The gist of it is that after her father died, all sorts of social media posts were created to call him a great guy and let everyone know he would be missed. Unfortunately all his friends keep referring to him as Nur Said Elmi and not Nur Omar Mohamed.

    The two problems with that are that a) he was let in as a refugee (along with his daughter) under the name Nur Omar Mohamed so it would seem fraudulent if everyone else knew him by another name and b) If that is his real name, it really makes it look like her second husband Ahmed Nur Said Elmi is really her brother.

    • Sean

      I would have guessed for it to happen by now. It will happen though.

    • Count Potato

      Isn’t Curtis Sliwa like 80 by now?

    • Rhywun

      I can’t wait for the bombings.

      • Chafed

        I realize it was 1981 but… I left the Nanuet Mall about half an hour before the Brinks robbery. That scared my white suburban ass. It really brought home the idea that “revolutionary” violence could happen anywhere. It would not surprise me if some new fangled Marxist group uses one or more bombs.

      • Rhywun

        Huh. I had no idea that took place in Nanuet. I would not have been able to place that event East or West of the Mississippi.

      • Gustave Lytton

        It’s as incestuous as Hollywood. Four generations of Marxist imbeciles from the Boudin family is enough.

  33. Count Potato

    ““Conservative critiques are based on the fact that two founders of Black Lives Matter Global Network, Patrisse Cullors and Alicia Garza, are self-declared Marxists “”

    https://twitter.com/jmartNYT/status/1292794714350026753

    Oh, is that all?

  34. LCDR_Fish

    Anyone get in on apple before the upcoming 1 for 4 split – 22 aug? I bought 3 shares a week ago – hope I have enough leftover cash in my account to buy one more share after the split.

  35. Count Potato

    “Trump brilliantly narrows down the location of his acceptance speech. Either break yet another law and do it at the WH, or do it at Gettysburg and celebrate your devotion to White Supremacy.”

    https://twitter.com/robreiner/status/1292889731437432832

    Have a smoke, Rob.

      • Tres Cool

        Pavement? Try some Sidewalk.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I expect there will be an immediate psychiatric assessment that Trump is psychopathic because of that.

  36. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Our local state Rep linked to an article about a rape suspect who was released into the community because COVID! and then promptly murdered the witness in his case.

    Some asshat immediately commented that she only brought attention to the case because she hates brown people.

    I hate people.

    • Sean

      My hate does not discriminate!

    • Tundra

      Except me, right?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Don’t worry, I’ll let you live so you can see me set off the nukes.

      • TARDIS

        Let me know when to get the popcorn.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Pro Tip: An old refrigerator can store your popcorn and provide you with nuclear blast protection.

      • Sean

        Only when properly lined with tin foil.

      • TARDIS

        I have plenty of hats.

      • Tundra

        Sweet. I’ll put together a good playlist.

      • Ted S.

        Especially you.

    • Viking1865

      It’s particularly dumb because the murderer was some kind of Middle Eastern Muslim who murdered a Venezuelan immigrant.

  37. LCDR_Fish

    https://chicago.cbslocal.com/2020/08/10/looting-was-coordinated-response-to-police-involved-shooting-in-englewood-brown-says/

    Brown said a special task force has been created to review surveillance video and make arrests. All days off have been canceled for police, who will be working 12-hour shifts. There will be a large police presence in the downtown area until further notice. So far, 100 people have been arrested for theft and disorderly conduct.

    “We are coming for you,” Lightfoot said. “This is not anywhere near acceptable.”

    She urged the state’s attorneys office and county judges to prosecute the violators to the highest extent of the law. “Put your best people on the case,” she urged. Brown said the people arrested in similar looting earlier in the summer were not met with proper legal consequences.

    It was the second time this summer that violence and unrest ravaged businesses in the city.

    Chicago businesses reported $66 million worth of damaged or stolen property to police during the looting and unrest after George Floyd’s death in May, according to public records obtained by the CBS 2 Morning Insiders.

    Those millions make up one of 1,800 police reports filed for looting or vandalism across the city. In the wake of that violence, the city promised $10 million in help businesses, and many of those owners were hit again on Monday.

    A pox on both their houses

    • peachy rex

      The vipers begin to bite one another. (The worse-than-worthless DA is affiliated with Lightfoot’s rival in the mayoral race – if she’s starting to finally feel the heat, she’ll be only too happy to shift the blame to Foxx.)

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Those IP attorneys at Apple have to justify their existence in these days of declining revenue.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        *nods knowingly, goes back to evenimg job of writing software after doing my IP day job *

    • Tundra

      It’s a fucking Pear.

      • Sean

        Demi Rose?

      • Tundra

        Pear, not walrus.

    • hayeksplosives

      Not at all similar. One is a stylized pear outline. The other is a filled in Apple with a bite taken.

      They aren’t even in the same sector. Doesn’t that matter to the infringement thing?

      • Rhywun

        My Fruit of the Loom’s aren’t “Country Comfort”. 🙁

      • Tundra

        TMI, brother.

        T

        M

        I

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        What does that even mean?

      • The Hyperbole

        Totally My Interest.

    • Rhywun

      Nope. But there’s probably thousands of similar cases in action at any moment.

      • hayeksplosives

        I suppose small outfits occasionally fold upon receipt of The aggrieved attorneys.

      • hayeksplosives

        “Receipt of a letter from”

    • Urthona

      Something has be at least marginally illegal about that disastrous pun.

  38. hayeksplosives

    Bill Gates is falling deeply into delusions of grandeur. He really does seem to think that he is uniquely placed as a rich ubersmart elite to heal the world from covid.

    He wants to implement a New World Order over all human behaviors.

    This is one of many things wrong with non-free-market trading. Bill really thinks Microsoft is a superior product, and if he made that, he can fix anything. And he’s never actually had to please the customer or even stop to ask how they like the software.

    Piss on him.

    • Mojeaux

      I am currently pissy about 2 things they removed from Word that I use regularly.

    • Urthona

      Eh he made billions. Now he can sit around and try to fix shit. And he’ll mostly be ignored.

    • TARDIS

      Piss on him

      Not even if he is dying of thirst, or on fire.

      He’s all in on this. Fuck him. Fuck the WHO. Fuck the UN.

  39. mrfamous

    The Arizona gym reopening saga continues as the Governor was required to submit guidelines for re-opening by tomorrow. He submitted said guidelines at 3:30pm this afternoon, and the guidelines are such that no one can reopen yet. Even when the first guidelines are met, the gyms would re-open under conditions that would make them completely unfunctional in any real way. In short, he doesn’t want the gyms to open and since he’s Governor he gets to do whatever he wants.

    So no, no one is being given an opportunity to apply to reopen by tomorrow. So I suspect we’re heading back to court. I’m absolutely livid

  40. TARDIS

    No one is posting on the next page until Brochetta gets to 20, right? Or is it 50?

  41. DEG

    Plymouth, NH just passed their mask mandate ordinance.

    • mrfamous

      We’re in hell

      • The Hyperbole

        At least they passed an ordinance, self governance for the win! If the people in Plymouth want to live that way that’s their choice.