Ten Minutes Part III

by | Sep 28, 2020 | Fiction | 166 comments

Read Part I

Read Part II

 

 

They got to it. With a lot of gesturing, muffled arguments, and tapping on the laptop computer, which was wired up to the time machine through a USB port, they got to it.

I went out to the back yard for a smoke to calm my nerves.  Visions of the Earth, the Moon, the Sun, all the planets swirling down into the vortex of a black hole like cigarette butts being flushed down a toilet bowl assailed me, along with the idea of a titanic explosion obliterating all matter from Earth to half-way to Alpha Centauri.  The cigarette didn’t do much to calm my nerves; both scenarios were only marginally more palatable than explaining eight Normans to an outraged Belinda.

When I went back inside about ten minutes later, the Normans all looked up at me with a series of identical triumphant grins.

“I think we have it now,” one of the Normans said – I’d long since given up trying to keep track of who was who.  Why would I?  They were all Norman.

“Will it work?”

“It should…”

“…as long as our presumptions are correct…”

“…of course it’s possible…”

“…that the multiple manifestations of one identity…”

“…having their own experiential realities in the time stream…”

“…since the initial incident…”

“…and the various incidents since…”

“…might have irreconcilable…”

“…conflicts of causality…”

“…as the event matrix rewinds…”

“…and recalibrates…”

“…to reality, whatever that is.”

“All right,” I said. “But will it work?

All eight Normans shrugged. “Only one way to find out,” one of them said.

One of the Norman-Primes picked up the consolidated device and fiddled with the dial.

Another Norman Prime pointed over his shoulder, said something in a low voice.

The first Norman-Prime nodded, flipped a switch, looked up at me and grinned.  “This will do it.  Everything’s going to be all right now.” He pushed the red button.

There was a gathering whine.  A swirling, polychromic whorl of colors began, slowly, to surround the Normans, moving slowly from the floor upwards to surround them.  A sparkling, opalescent field of energy formed over them, following their body surfaces, tracing over shoes, trousers, jackets, faces, until the Normans were encased in the gleaming mother-of-pearl film.  The whirling colors vortex slowly contracted, closed in, and tightened, the opalescent field shimmered brighter and brighter.

Then, there was a sudden flash of light, and the dull pop of air imploding into the space where, moments before, eight Normans had stood.  The workshop was empty.  No Normans stood in front of me.  No consolidated time travel device lay on the workbench, or anywhere else.  And worst of all…

“Dammit,” I muttered. “Where ever they’ve gone, they took my laptop with them.”

Well, I figured Norman – hopefully only one Norman – would turn up in a few moments, so I took the last cold beer from the fridge, flipped on my radio and sat down to finish winding line on my fishing reel.

After a few minutes, I was surprised to hear Norman’s name mentioned on the top of the hour news:

The lone fatality in a hit-and-run accident at Highway 4 and Oakton Avenue earlier today has been identified as Norman Taggert, 48, of Springfield.  Taggert was driving east on Oakton Avenue when…

I didn’t hear anything more after that.

Somehow, Norman – the Normans – had done the impossible.  They had reprogrammed their little black box – black boxes – to violate causality.  In trying to undo a chain of increasingly unlikely events, they had somehow set an entirely new timeline into motion, an entirely different chain of events.

In this new chain, Norman was killed in an accident on his way to my house.  The near-miss he describe to me on his arrival actually happened. Somehow, the device changed the outcome, slowing Norman’s reflexes, speeding up the oncoming car, changing the timing just a little – it didn’t matter how. That was how whatever impossible software in the guts of that damned little black box had undone the chain of endlessly repeating Normans.

Norman was a bit of a crackpot, but he was a brilliant man – and my best friend.  Now he was gone, killed by his own genius.

I laid my head on my workbench, and just stayed there for a while.

Eventually I decided to go upstairs.  There would be a funeral; I owed his daughter and son a call, I had to be ready to do my part in the memorial service – all those thoughts were going through my head as I slowly, so slowly, dragged up the stairway out of the basement and into the kitchen.

In the kitchen, I heard something I hadn’t heard in years – Belinda’s braying laughter. Before I could give that a moment’s thought, something on the kitchen counter caught my eye.  A hammer lay on the counter, and next to it…

No, I thought, it couldn’t be… It’s not possible.

But it was.

Scraps of black plastic and pieces of shattered circuit boards lay scattered on the granite countertop.  As I sorted through the wreckage with horror, I found the remnants of two red buttons.

In the back of my mind I heard a Norman’s voice, “We have three devices now instead…

That was Norman-Three, I thought, fighting down a growing panic. There were four Normans then – Prime, One, Two and Three – they should have had four devices…

Belinda’s laughter floated in again, from the living room.  I could hear voices over the television.

Voices?  Belinda hated company.  She has never liked anyone – except herself.  She thought she was the cat’s own pajamas, even if nobody else did. So who would be visiting her?  What were they laughing about?  I looked back at the shattered remains of two of Norman’s time machines.  Could she have?  Would she have?

A feeling of horror gripped me like a fist of dry ice. I wanted to turn and run from the house.  Instead, I walked into the living room.

Three Belindas looked up at me from the couch.  Three Belindas looked at each other, and laughed.  Three Belindas stood up, walked towards me, and barked in unison, “George!  You haven’t been smoking, have you?”

“No,” I stammered.

“Good.  You know I hate you smoking…”

“…it stinks up the house, and my carpet is in…”

“…bad enough shape as it is, and…”

“…you know I’ve been after you for weeks to get them cleaned anyway, and…”

“…you’ve spent most of today messing around with that no-good Norman…”

“…when you promised me that you would get the garage cleaned…”

“…and fix the kitchen drain…”

“…and replace the garbage disposal.  Why can’t your worthless…”

“…friend invent something practical, like a TV set that won’t…”

“…cut out every time the neighbor starts up his lawnmower?  Speaking of which…”

“…you need to cut the lawn, too.”

“What are you standing there staring at us for? Get busy!”

I looked at the three of them, nodded, and fled back into the kitchen.

They’re in there now, watching television and laughing, as I write this down.  I’ve got the wreckage of Norman’s time machine – machines – down on my workbench, but I already know it’s hopeless.  All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put that thing – those things – back together again.  I’d need Norman to do that.  Instead, I’ve got three Belindas and no Normans.

God only knows what might happen next.

About The Author

Animal

Animal

Semi-notorious local political gadfly and general pain in the ass. I’m firmly convinced that the Earth and all its inhabitants were placed here for my personal amusement and entertainment, and I comport myself accordingly. Vote Animal/STEVE SMITH 2024!

166 Comments

  1. EvilSheldon

    LOL!

    Guess it was Chekov’s little black box after all…

    Great story, Animal.

  2. Sean

    Great ending. I enjoyed this.

  3. Mojeaux

    O.M.G.

    Run, George, run!

  4. Yusef drives a Kia

    Surprise! Damn Fine tale Animal

  5. Not Adahn

    George proceeds to murder two of the Belindas and say to the remaining one “you’re next bitch unless you shape the fuck up.” The police of course won’t possibly believe O.B.’s story about how her husband has murdered her… twice. Plus, due to the retrocausal nature of the anomalous temporal chronotonic tachyon flow, George’s disposal of the bodies was in fact the the event leading to the clogged drain and the broken garbage disposal.

    • Mojeaux

      Good heavens to Betsy.

      • Not Adahn

        There is obviously going to be a sequel:

        Three Belindas

        two red buttons

        There’s still one unaccounted for. I mean, this is literally the same trick he played earlier.

      • UnCivilServant

        Multiple narrators. You haven’t noticed yet.

      • Lackadaisical

        What a twist! /Shyamalan

    • Lackadaisical

      This is what I came here to say. well put.

    • EvilSheldon

      *applause*

  6. DEG

    “Will it work?”

    “It should…”

    “…as long as our presumptions are correct…”

    Famous last words.

  7. DEG

    They’re in there now, watching television and laughing, as I write this down. I’ve got the wreckage of Norman’s time machine – machines – down on my workbench, but I already know it’s hopeless. All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put that thing – those things – back together again. I’d need Norman to do that. Instead, I’ve got three Belindas and no Normans.

    Oh no.

  8. Tundra

    Fantastic! Nice finish, Animal!

  9. Sean

    So old Joe said no to the drug test and called a lid again today.

    ?

    • db

      It’s all a setup. Nothing wrong with Joe, he’ll come fast out of the gate, swinging a rhetorical chain, smart, coherent, and virile. The lead-up of “Joe’s dim now, can’t string words together” will be an embarrassing failure for the pundits, politicians, and Trump himself who have all staked claims on the slippery slopes of Mount Sundown.

      • leon

        I half expect this to be what happens.

      • Idle Hands

        I’m kind of with you.

      • Swiss Servator

        That’s a longer con than any except Andy Kaufmann, Elvis and JFK not being dead.

      • Idle Hands

        Elvis not being dead isn’t a con. The king lives on in all of us.

      • The Hyperbole

        except for the anti-Elvis.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        But not longer than the Patriot Act

      • Sean

        You’re giving the interns far too much credit with that crafty plan.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        agreed. much more likely is that, just like most septugenarians, especially not particularly bright ones, Joe is prone to his mouth getting ahead of his brain. The conservative media then puts together a montage of these moments and creates the perception that he has advanced dementia.

        If the mentally deficient narrative unravels, it’s self-inflicted.

      • db

        This is more of what I expect. I honestly haven’t spent any time listening to what either Biden or Trump are saying, so I can’t really say I have any worthwhile analysis.

        Do I really believe it’s a long con designed to make the conservatives show their asses? No, they don’t need help doing that.

        The conservative media/punditsphere have such a solid track record of blowing things out of proportion to agitate the base and then failing to deliver when the truth comes out (“Explosive Revelations to Come on xxxxxx”). I wouldn’t be surprised if this happens here too. I don’t think Biden is a very good candidate at all (leaving aside the fact that I am diametrically opposed to pretty much all of his stated goals and policy prescriptions), but the Democrats would have to be particularly idiotic to prop up a true dementia patient in the top slot of their executive ticket. Of course, they are idiotic–look at what running Hillary got them–but are they *that* stupid? I guess we’ll see.

        Unless they really intend to do a bait and switch and “install” Kamala Harris either before or after the election, I imagine we’ll see Joe looking like a slower, older version of himself from the Obama years, and probably step in his own poop a couple of times, but it won’t be anything that requires them hauling him off the stage on a stretcher bad.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Unless they really intend to do a bait and switch and “install” Kamala Harris either before or after the election

        what I don’t understand is whose balls Kamala was able to put in a vice to wield that sort of power. Biden hemming himself in with “woman of color” running mate surely isnt enough. Ruler in wait is entirely too powerful a position for some no-name California senator who sucked her way up to claim without a massive piece of leverage.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Eh. The Democrats aren’t hiding Joe because that’s how they actually want to run the campaign. Same with Pelosi floating trial balloons about canceling the debates. They want to, they’re just afraid the blowback might be too much.

        OTOH they will drug Joe into temporary sentience on debate night, so unless something goes wrong with his dosages, he’ll probably do better than people expect.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        He might even achieve sentience.

      • Drake

        I agree – but that stuff may wear off before the debates over. I except to see him visibly tire then lose it.

      • Sean

        I expect he will do ok, if he stays on script.

        If Trump goads him into something off script, it could get funny.

      • Drake

        If When Trump goads him

      • Ownbestenemy

        I can see him middle of the road, just enough that any Trump retort on his health will immediately be spun by the DNCMedia Machine as why any additional debates with Trump should not be considered and it will also be declared that Joe is OK and coherent.

        Just my guess.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        That would be one of the strangest setups. Biden intentionally makes himself look weak and incoherent for months… to gotcha Trump at a debate? And this is a failure for Trump? Alternatively, we have the other theory that Biden truly is senile and it would be a failure for Trump to press on this.

        I think both views are making too much of it. If Biden hold himself together at the debate, then they’ll have the debate and most everyone will move on. Hardly a big deal for your average voter. If Biden is going senile, then this needs to be exposed immediately and it doesn’t do the country a favor for Trump or the Republicans “to play nice” about it.

      • R C Dean

        Supposedly, Trump is planning to go hard and personal at Biden tomorrow. I kind of doubt that, myself.

        I think he should go hard at the moderators. Don’t challenge Slow Joe, directly, challenge the moderators.

        “When are you going to ask him about the millions his son got from Russians, Ukrainians and the Chinese while he was Vice President? Are you going to ask him about his demand that the prosecutor investigating his son’s Ukrainian employer be fired? The other day, he claimed to have gotten his start at an historically black college. Any plans to ask him about that?

        And he was in the room when the Russia collusion hoax was cooked up, and even suggested potential indictments. I’m sure that’s on your list, right?”

        The debates are a golden opportunity to dishonesty and collusion of the media, without being mean to Ol’ Joe.

      • Ownbestenemy

        That would be the smart ploy, but Trump, with all his 42DD chess playing, will inevitably fall into fools mate if he goes after Ol’ “Despacito, You Ain’t Black” Joe “Sleepin” Biden.

    • The Other Kevin

      Why are you worried about that fake news stuff when we have Trump’s taxes? SMOKING GUN!

      • Drake

        Deductions! Tax Accountants and Lawyers! Something something evil!!!

      • R C Dean

        I believe the tax story was timed precisely to make it a centerpiece at the first debate. Keep the focus on Trump, on a topic that he might blow up over.

        It shouldn’t be hard for Trump to deal with.

        (a) Point out how much in taxes he has actually paid in the last 10 – 20 years.
        (b) Point out that he actually prepays taxes when filing for extensions.
        (c) Point out that, despite numerous IRS audits, he’s never been accused by the IRS of wrongdoing.

        But Trump isn’t exactly known for his rhetorical impulse control. I’m betting that the “moderators” try to turn the debate into a Trump tax session for a chunk of their time.

        For the first time in decades, I’m planning to watch.

      • leon

        Everyone mad that trump minimized his taxes, arent even mad that Joe Biden lived off of taxes for the last 40 years.

      • Drake

        They show that Trump is amazingly clean for a politician and bringing it is an opportunity for him to mention the millions the Bidens made off of Russian, Ukrainian, and Chinese connections.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Anything short of using the topic as a launching point for a counterattack is a miss on Trump’s part.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        It’s also a very easy topic for Trump to use as a bridge to Hunter Biden and the widespread corruption there. I’m assuming the moderators are not going to bring this up voluntarily or framed in a way for Joe to quickly get out of the way.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        and missed it by that much

      • Drake

        Great minds… and idiots like us.

    • Not Adahn

      Is someone making book on what time Joe cancels the debates?

      • db

        “calling a lid,” please.

  10. Fatty Bolger

    God only knows what might happen next.

    A foursome?

    • Drake

      FFFM! Bow chicka bow bow!

    • SDF-7

      The way Belinda is written? I think that would be a Foursome of the Apocalypse.

    • Not Adahn

      Because they have no souls?

      • Ted S.

        The psychologists, right?

    • leon

      Orange cats are thought to be the friendliest of all cats, but is this just a myth? Self-report surveys indeed suggest that orange cats are more affectionate.

      Sounds like a ploy, to mind control the humans.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I was always under the impression that black cats were the friendliest.

      • Mojeaux

        I’ve had two black cats. They have both been sweethearts, although our current black cat can be asshoe to his littermate and general zooming around, but he’s only 2. He’s still a sweetheart.

      • UnCivilServant

        I suspect fur color and temprament are not related in the generalized longhair and shorthair breeds. You need an inbred strain before there’s a predisposition baked in.

      • Tulip

        +1 ragdoll

      • Fatty Bolger

        Only so they can get close enough to steal the baby’s breath.

      • Rhywun

        So… like everything else every cat does?

      • leon

        Mine hasn’t been very crafty. She can’t figure out that Mewing at me at 2:00 in the morning is not a good way to have me let her stay inside at night.

    • db

      I don’t know, I have a tortioseshell tabby cat, and she is one of the friendliest cats I have ever met. She walks right up to new people and makes friends immediately. She is a bit too curious for her own good sometimes though.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      Although the research is far from definitive, male cats have been said to be slightly friendlier than female cats, which could explain the loving nature of orange cats. Accordingly, “tortitude” may be partially explained by the fact that tortoiseshell cats are almost always female.

      I have found the male cats I’ve had to be more friendly. However, they’ve all been gray tabbys, and gray tabbys are usually very friendly. The old torty I had was a piece of work. She loved me, to the point that she’d try to drink my beer from the bottle, but didn’t actually like beer. She HATED my wife with the fire of a thousand suns.

      I think there’s an underappreciated level of breed differentiation in cats. It’s not just that orange tabbies are uniquely friendly. Tabby cats are friendlier than other breeds. Black cats and tuxedo cats tend to be skittish but loyal. Torties are similarly skittish and loyal, but on steroids. Siamese are assholes. etc.

      • Rhywun

        Can confirm about Siamese.

        Mine last two were tuxedoes – yeah, skittish for sure.

      • Urthona

        I have two cats. One male and his sister. The male one is cool, but not usually as affectionate or friendly.

        That sample size of 2, though, obviously doesn’t mean dick.

        The *reason* I have two cats incidentally is that her mother was an orange stray, and my sister’s family foolishly assumed it must be male. Then out popped a whole shitload of kittens. Turns out the likelihood of orange cats being male is only 4 in 5, which means plenty of orange female cats.

      • Mad Scientist

        There are 4 cats in our house. The two males barely pay any attention to one another, and get along with the females fine. The two females hate each other, and are constantly posturing, growling, swatting one another, and generally acting like a couple of bitchy teenage girls.

      • Rhywun

        constantly posturing, growling, swatting one another, and generally acting like a couple of bitchy teenage girls

        My two girls cleaned each other, slept in the same bed, and were generally sweet as could be to each other for about a year. That was followed by thirteen years of fighting, spitting, and hissing.

    • DEG

      I saw your posts about kidney stones, how are you doing?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Doing ok. Percocet does the job.

        The office is melting down however. We need another driver and nobody wants to work. I can tell my branch manager is about to have a conniption and take it out on me. Should be fun when I call in to check.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Zinc I mean…

      • Ted S.

        Pee your kidney stone out on the boss.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Technically I’m the boss.

        I would probably get sued as a result.

      • Ted S.

        Countersue on the grounds of your kidney stones being a disability.

      • DEG

        Good about the kidney stone and the drugs, not so good about the office.

  11. Rhywun

    Bravo!

    Needz moar Belindas.

  12. The Other Kevin

    Well done Animal!

  13. Unreconstructed

    OT: Just got word from the CEO that our current WFH arrangements are staying in place until January. The paranoia about this virus is off the charts.

    • leon

      It is pretty crazy. Most of my day to day interactions with people (which are amitedly few and far between), this seems way overblown. But yet here i am, not even able to go to my gym without wearing one, despite the fact that i immediately take it off after checking in.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        I know plenty of people who, at least when talking to me, are not saying anything against the lockdowns/masks/etc. Very few are gung ho for it, but most don’t seem to be opposed. Granted, I’m very careful to hide my opposition to all this bullshit when talking to coworkers, so maybe I’m not the only one.

      • Urthona

        The mask is a relatively easy thing to do to seem to be caring.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Unless you have COPD,
        / ahem…

      • Gustave Lytton

        What’s the upside of running off on this? It’s totally polarized at this point and is just rationalizations of preexisting opinions. Either you’re a baby and grandma killer or a stupid fucking sheeple depending on what opinion you express. Best to stay in your own lane and avoid the subject like politics or religion.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        My employer is nose deep in it, and management makes sure they use every opportunity to insert a remark that makes their opinion clear. The rank and file largely shut the hell up about it.

      • DEG

        I let mine slip to a few people.

        They are a mixed bag. Some think I should follow the science, and others agree with me.

        I told my boss, on the topic of going into the office, that I will not go into the office until the Lil Rona Panic Theater stops. I used those words. He said OK.

    • Akira

      Our company did that too because someone tested positive.

      They also made a fucking rule that you have to wear masks all day now (previously, you had to wear it in “common areas”, basically you were allowed to take it off when sitting at your own desk).

    • The Other Kevin

      There is a Chicago Tribune article out there, that I won’t link to because of a paywall, but the governor in Indiana is dropping in the polls because of his mask mandate.

      • Nephilium

        DeWine and Husted (Governor and Lt. Governor of Ohio) have both been booed at Trump rallies over the past couple of weeks.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        I just got off a FedSoc call about some of the pushback against Whitmer. They said there’s 450k signatures on a referendum petition to revoke her abuse of emergency powers, but they missed the deadline for this election cycle.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Virginia legislature straight up refused to take a vote on limiting Northam’s powers.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Nevada legislature doesn’t even acknowledge it, so at least you had a refusal. My calls to an incumbent republican state legislature just end up in a reply…”We are in the minority and it will never pass, so why try?” I usually reply with “There is the GOP we all know and love.”

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        “So why should I vote for your sorry ass?”

      • Nephilium

        At least here we have an impeachment bill that was written up, and some of the state legislature has at least tried to push back. DeWine did also sign at least one bill removing his power to shut certain things down.

      • commodious spittoon

        Democrats must be furious. Isn’t the voice of the people more important than anything else, including procedural rules, or the rule of law, or founding charters, or even peace and civil order?

      • DEG

        It looks to me like the state is trying to stall it until after the elections.

        There was an attempt in the NH House to start a concurrent resolution to end the Clown Prince’s emergency powers. It died. The Clown Prince trounced his primary challengers.

    • commodious spittoon

      We’ve been permitted to return to work since May, and were made to sign a three-page agreement regarding health conscious conduct while in the office. Very few people abide by it, including the CEO and the HR head who drafted it. In fact the only people who took it seriously were the teenage interns.

      • Ted S.

        Interesting, in that it’s the HR bitch where I work who is most gung ho, although the one-way traffic bullshit began with the Big Boss’ return to the office after 15 weeks of WFH.

        HR lady bitched that I didn’t have the mask over my nose for the face-recognition thermometer photo, and I wanted to snap at her that I’m the first one in the goddamn building and there’s nobody to social distance *from* when I get in. Normally I only have the mask around my neck.

        Every day on my 1:30 break I do a counterclockwise walk around the building. Somebody who works in the hospital billing office elsewhere in the building does a clockwise walk at the same time so we generally pass each other somewhere along the way. He only has the mask in his hand, and nobody has ever commented.

  14. Gustave Lytton

    Industry analysts are saying price hike is coming from Netflix soon. What bozos if true.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      That’d be enough to get me to drop them. The recent quasi scandal wasn’t quite enough for me but a price hike will push me over the edge.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Same here, we have been looking for an excuse to drop them and that just might be it.

    • leon

      Wait… I thought price hikes when your market is thoroughly saturated is the optimum strategy. Makes people realize you are the premium product.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Gotta pay the Obama’s for their premium content.

  15. Plisade

    Is it possible to do a Glib Zoom meeting *while* the debate is happening simultaneously? Possible as in… is this something *even I* could do on my home desktop, if such a Glib event were to occur?

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I dont see why not, Zoom on one tab debate on the other,

    • Mojeaux

      Oh THAT would be a riot!

      • Ownbestenemy

        IF we can stay on topic for more than 5 minutes.

      • Mojeaux

        That would be half the fun.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        The feedback from all our sound systems should work out nicely with everyone chatting at once

      • Gender Traitor

        Ixnay on the iotray! : (

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Iotray, is that like a meatball snack or something? Sounds yummy

      • Mojeaux

        “Nix the riot” in pig Latin.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Mo, I’m 57 years old, did you forget I’m also a smartass?

      • Mojeaux

        My sarcometer is busted.

      • Ted S.

        I thought you were a dumbass.

        /sarcasm

        I’ll be here all week. Tip the veal and try the waitress!

      • R C Dean

        *preps molotov cocktails*

      • Mojeaux

        *finds more bottles and rags*

      • Ownbestenemy

        I am glad I refreshed…*drops off pallet of pavers to a weird address*

      • The Other Kevin

        * picks up pig head from butcher shop *

      • Mad Scientist

        * polishes selfie stick *

      • db

        Now *that’s* a euphemism!

      • Plisade

        We need a drinking game to go along with it…

      • Ownbestenemy

        Do you want us all to die?

    • leon

      That could possibly be the only way to get me to watch the debates. I can’t do it without having someone to bitch about the abusurdity of it all with.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I’ll show up if it happens, and that’s rare for me,

      • R C Dean

        Mrs. Dean wants to watch them, too.

        Need to get a bottle of Scotch, and I’ll be ready to roll.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Cheers, it’s going to be epic!

  16. Lackadaisical

    Just drafted up an article for submission, but I should probably proofread it. Was messing around with html for a bit and want to make sure I didn’t break anything…

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I write it up, paste it into WP, and then do layout, less mess, and TPTBarent so bugged by my crappy typos

  17. Apples and Knives

    Great story!

    • Ownbestenemy

      Whew..its a good think Daily Wire tagged that as satire right in the headline otherwise I might have thought it was true /average voter

  18. Mad Scientist

    Belinda seems even more irritating than Stella Mudd.

    • Animal

      I see you found one of the inspirations for my character.

  19. Ownbestenemy

    So some Australians nominated Trump again for the Peace Prize. LOL Can’t wait for the new articles claiming the a peace prize is not anything to write home about.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      No one needs 23 nominations for the Peace Prize!

  20. R C Dean

    On the Trump tax leak:

    Whoever at the IRS leaked it committed a felony.

    Not only that, but by publishing it, the NYT also committed a felony.

    It shall be unlawful for any person to whom any return or return information (as defined in section 6103(b)) is disclosed in a manner unauthorized by this title thereafter willfully to print or publish in any manner not provided by law any such return or return information. Any violation of this paragraph shall be a felony punishable by a fine in any amount not exceeding $5,000, or imprisonment of not more than 5 years, or both, together with the costs of prosecution.

    The NYT apparently has some vague awareness of this, because the story includes the following, which is undoubtedly intended to exculpatory:

    All of the information The Times obtained was provided by sources wth legal access to it.

    The lightning speed with which the Biden campaign launched their ad on the Trump tax leak isn’t suspicious at all.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      “with legal access to it”

      That’s some weak sauce.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Yeah, I have legal access to some personal information, but that access doesn’t go beyond my eyes. That ain’t gonna protect their assess.

    • Ownbestenemy

      My guess is they had this back when the SCOTUS ruled on the case and wanted it for their October surprise. Ruthie passing away might have accelerated their timeline of the hit pieces to draw focus back onto Trump, rather than Trump dominating the news cycle with his third SCOTUS nominee.

      It also might have had to been pushed up due to the revelations about Hunter.

      • R C Dean

        Well, its nearly October. I think this was probably close to their schedule all along, tweaked, maybe, for the first debate.

        As an October surprise, this is really weak sauce, though.

        The classic October surprise schedule is the weekend before the election. But all the early voting makes that too late for maximum impact.

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      this is the shit that makes me consider voting for Trump. Yes, hes a deeply flawed president in many ways. However, he’s the only one speaking truth to power on the whole weaponized deep state issue, which, to me, is the defining issue of the past 10 years. The media-education-nonprofit-bureaucracy complex is an evil of unimaginable power.

    • Ted S.

      Whoever at the IRS leaked it committed a felony.

      How does this jibe with the Pentagon Papers case?

      And who’s actually going to prosecute it?

      • R C Dean

        Ellsberg walked because the feds botched the case; it got mixed up with Watergate.

        The NYT was never charged, as far as I recall, with a crime. The case against them had to do with prior restraint, an order prohibiting them from publishing.

        I’m sure Barr will get right on pursuing a couple of lay-down criminal cases against members in good standing of the apparat and nomeklatura.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        1. Don’t know

        2. No one

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      If the various state Republican Party apparatuses are stupid enough to let this happen without a meaningful legal challenge before the election then they ultimately deserve to lose. Conceding this is conceding the keys to the kingdom.

      • R C Dean

        Yup. They really are that weak and stupid. AZ is completely controlled by Repubs, and they allow unlimited mail-in voting and ballot harvesting, even after it cost them a Senatorial election two years ago. SOmething like 80% of the ballots in Pima County (Tucson) are mail-in ballots. You get signed up automatically, I believe. I don’t recall signing up for it, but there I was, and I had to file a special form to get my name off the mail-in ballot list.

    • R C Dean

      Let’s say the Dems do steal the election via fraud (which is why I have this at 60/40 Trump, on my optimistic days).

      What’s the Constitutional process if Joe doesn’t make it to the inauguration, either because he becomes too obviously incapacitated or just dies? Is that a scenario where it gets thrown to the House? I don’t think Kamala can just step into his shoes as the President unless he is first inaugurated as President. Or do his electors get to change their vote from “Joe” to “kamala”?

    • Ownbestenemy

      It baffles me that the USPS cannot make any changes to their service; but States are making drastic changes to election laws on the eve of an election. The fact that people don’t even bat an eye to that is just weird.

      • R C Dean

        the USPS cannot make any changes to their service

        Pubsec union? No reason to, since a busted election works in the Dem’s favor?

        States are making drastic changes to election laws on the eve of an election

        See, above, re “busted election”.

    • db

      A friend of mine who’s daughter is in college in Alabama says that he and his wife just received a second mail-in ballot addressed to his daughter (here in PA).

      Any idea how multiple ballots would work? Are the voting systems smart enough to catch that a particular registered voter has already been recorded, in the case of mail-in ballots?

      • db

        Oh, FFS. “whose daughter”

      • Ownbestenemy

        Depends. Is said person a registered Democrat or Republican. If Democrat, turn to page 4. If Republican, turn to page 10.

      • R C Dean

        My understanding is there is very little ability to catch people who vote in multiple states.

        I believe that the system is supposed to guard against voting twice (in-person and by mail) in the same state.

        Key words: “supposed to”.

      • db

        What about two mail-in ballots? Why would they even issue two?

      • R C Dean

        Is your daughter a registered Democrat?

        More seriously, because elections are run by pubsec workers, many likely in unions. Are you surprised by sloppy work?

      • db

        It’s not my daughter. My friend doesn’t know her official registration for sure, but suspects Democrat.

        No, I wouldn’t be surprised by simple sloppiness.