The Hat and The Hair: Episode 167

by | Sep 2, 2020 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 233 comments

 

Camera One

“Am I going to have to go to every town where a black guy dies?” Donald wondered aloud in the back of his armored Presidential pimpmobile.

“Only if a white guy kills him,” the hair said, strong and proud on Donald’s wearied brow.

“So a white guy killed this guy?” Donald asked.

“A white police officer,” the hair said.

“OK, so white cop/black death means Presidential visit, got it.”

“And you’re here to support Kyle,” the hat said, muffled, from Donald’s suit jacket.

“Who did Kyle shoot?” Donald asked.

“Two white guys,” the hair said.

“And this is a black guy named ‘Kyle?’” Donald asked.

“No, Kyle is white. And he said very nice things about you on Facebook,” the hair said.

“A fan? I love a fan.”

“We do too,” the hat said.

“Wait, white Kyle the Trump fan shot two white guys?” Donald asked. “What’s the problem?”

“Well, one was a rapist and the other one beat up his girlfriend repeatedly, so blmantifacommies are mad at Kyle,” the hat said. “And can I get out of here?” shaking the walls of his pocket.

“No,” the hair said sniggering. “He’s keeping you close to his heart.”

“I can’t breathe,” the hat said.

“Don’t start that shit up again,” the hair hissed.

“OK, I swear I’m going to get this straight,” Donald said. “White cop kills black guy, bad.”

“Well, he’s not dead,” the hair said, “Just paralyzed.”

“Not dead?” Donald asked. “So he gets a fancy wheelchair, boo-hoo. I’d love to have a wheelchair. No more walking! Genius! Walking sucks. It’s the least classy way to get anywhere.”

“Donald, we’ve talked about this: no wheelchair!” the hat said.

“White cop kills black guy: bad. White cop paralyzes black guy: bad. White guy kills white criminals: bad.”

“No, we like Kyle. We’re here to support him,” the hair said.

“White guy kills white criminals…”

“Who were attacking him,” the hat said.

“White guy kills white criminals who were attacking him: good?”

“Now you’ve got it,” the hair said, giving Donald’s scalp a congratulatory massage.

“And that’s why I’m in Wisconsin?” Donald asked.

“Yes, and more importantly, Biden isn’t here,” the hair said.

“It makes you look brave,” the hat said.

“I am brave,” Donald said. “And very Presidential.” Donald reached into the McDonald’s bag and stuffed a handful of fries in his face. “So Presidential,” he said, spraying bits of potato, “Right guys?”

The two Secret Service agents across from him nodded and one tried to smile.

“Wait,” Donald said, swallowing, “What happens when a black guy kills a black guy? Do I have to go there?”

“Nah,” the hat said. “Those are freebies.”

 


 

Camera Two

“Am I going to have to go to every town where a black guy dies?” the President asked.

The agents sitting across from him looked at each other. The lead agent caught the raised eyebrows of the agent next to him, a trainee recently transferred to guard Soaring Eagle Number One Best–the code name Donald has chosen for himself–and shook his head from side to side slightly.

“So a white guy killed this guy?” Donald asked. “OK, so white cop/black death means Presidential visit, got it.”

The junior agent squirmed in his seat.

“Who did Kyle shoot?” Donald asked. “And this is a black guy named ‘Kyle?’

Unconsciously, the lead agent’s hand felt for his gun, its comforting weight, its dream of release.

“A fan? I love a fan.” Donald said. “Wait, white Kyle the Trump fan shot two white guys? What’s the problem?”

The junior agent’s leg began to bounce. The lead put his hand on his knee to stop his restless leg. The hand lingered.

“OK, I swear I’m going to get this straight,” Donald said. “White cop kills black guy, bad. Not dead?!?”

Both agents pulled back.

“So he gets a fancy wheelchair, boo-hoo. I’d love to have a wheelchair. No more walking! Genius! Walking sucks. It’s the least classy way to get anywhere.”

The agents nodded in unison and the lead realized he was still holding his trainee’s knee. He jerked it away and buried it in the seat between them

“White cop kills black guy: bad. White cop paralyzes black guy: bad. White guy kills white criminals: bad. White guy kills white criminals… White guy kills white criminals who were attacking him: good?”

The junior agent’s hand joined his boss’ between the seats and caressed it tenderly.

“And that’s why I’m in Wisconsin?” Donald asked. “I am brave! And very Presidential.”

The agents watched him shovel cold French fries into his face, and they took each other’s hand.

“So Presidential,” the President said to them. “Right guys?”

The agents nodded and the lead tried to smile. Their earpieces crackled as the car glided to a stop.

“Wait,” Donald said, swallowing, “What happens when a black guy kills a black guy? Do I have to go there?”

“We’re here, Mr. President,” the lead agent said, his smile curdling to a grimace. As he stepped out of the car, his trainee pressed a hand against his lower back, let it fall to trace a buttock and then trailed down his leg.

“Not on assignment,” he hissed as they both reached in to lever the President out of the vehicle.

“Gay!’ the hat said.

“Like owning a moped together gay,” the hair agreed and giggled.

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

233 Comments

  1. Spudalicious

    That was truly inspired.

    • Mad Scientist

      And inspiring. Now I want a moped.

      • Spudalicious

        I am not buying a moped with you.

      • Mad Scientist

        This isn’t just any moped. It was built by the A-Team, out of stuff they had on hand while locked in a welding shed.

      • leon

        Seven Minutes of Mechanical Heaven?

      • Spudalicious

        Okay, but Imma gonna have to drive.

      • Rhywun

        Now I want an FBI agent.

      • l0b0t

        Have you seen Ozark?

      • Rhywun

        *googles*

        Nope.

      • l0b0t

        Twinky, thoroughly corrupt, FBI guy bangs big, dumb, redneck ginger-bear. YMMV.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Hah, I actually thought of Ozark when I was reading it.

    • DEG

      Seconded.

  2. Chipwooder

    Two cameras….so only one more to go before you reach 1970s sitcom standards

    • Spudalicious

      Don’t challenge him.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Camara three is at the end of a sigmoidoscope.

    • CPRM

      I saw it as security footage, like this.

  3. CPRM

    Gay Secret Service agents, Donald is the most Progressive President ever! Much Brave!

    • Gadfly

      Well, the Log Cabin Republicans released a video the other day with Richard Grenell talking about how Trump is more pro-gay than Biden, having had the first openly gay cabinet member (Grenell – briefly, as acting director of national intelligence), so why not?

  4. Sean

    “Like owning a moped together gay,” the hair agreed and giggled.

    ROFL.

  5. Tundra

    “Nah,” the hat said. “Those are freebies.”

    Fucking savage.

    Nice work, SF!

    • Bobarian LMD

      Those ones don’t matter.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    It’s as if I was there.

  7. Chipwooder

    Apologies for going off topic so quickly, but….a Politico writer reinforces the perception that the media is simply an unofficial arm of the Democratic Party by suggesting that SF salon owner should be investigated for releasing the tape of Pelosi sans mask:

    Carla Marinucci
    @cmarinucci
    Have to ask upon seeing this: Is it legal in CA — a “two party consent” state — to videotape someone in a private home or business without their consent?

    • leon

      Use every law to go after those who would dare to confront power. The left has come a way? Or maybe it has just bloomed into what it always was.

    • The Other Kevin

      Making a Democrat look bad this close to November is election interference. Who’s behind this? Probably the Russians. Launch an investigation immediately.

      • leon

        I mean, you’re not wrong. All that happened was true things were leaked about Hillary, and they called it election interference

    • Count Potato

      Ianal, but I think that applies to audio, not video.

      • Mad Scientist

        Absolutely. Otherwise, security cameras would all be illegal.

      • Chipwooder

        Of course it only applies to audio. Otherwise, every single business in California that has security cameras would be violating the law. It’s a plainly asinine comment, and this bitch knew goddamned well how asinine it was……but she said it anyway because anything, absolutely anything, that might discredit the salon owner even a little bit is worth trying. Why not? It’s not as if this woman will face any sort of pushback from her peers for this nonsense.

      • leon

        Yup. Whats crazy is that it works. If it was illegal to record her, then people would allow that to excuse why Pelosi was being a hypocrite.

      • R C Dean

        Yup, a fact I confirmed after spending less than 30 seconds on the interwebs.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I like how she threw in private homes too…

      • invisible finger

        So if I have this correct that means Sugar Free is almost up to 1970’s sitcom standards whereas our surveillance state is firmly entrenched in 1920’s two-reel comedy standards.

    • Drake

      Is it legal for a business to not have security cameras?

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        I hope so. Trader Joe’s (at least locally) doesn’t seem to have them.

      • Bobarian LMD

        You been casing the joint?

    • The Other Kevin

      After the election I just might send some thank you cards to these people for stepping on all those rakes.

    • Idle Hands

      This absolutely insane. I never want to hear that the press is just dumb again. They have a clear agenda.

    • kbolino

      Just include Hulk Hogan having sex in the videotape and every journalist will defend it as an essential exercise of the First Amendment.

      • Chipwooder

        Boy, if that wasn’t the low point for TOS, I don’t know what was.

      • kbolino

        Most of the writers at Reason today see themselves as “journalists” first and libertarians second (despite all the grief he gets, Robbie Soave is better than most on this). This is why their definition of libertarian is just a slightly modified version of the J-school definition of journalist, and it’s why they closed ranks around this issue despite there being obvious other issues at play. It’s also how they can say “too local” with a straight face, while meanwhile they follow the AP’s lead on whatever the twitter squabble du jour is.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Suave is just so adorable though! Cute as a button, he is!

      • l0b0t

        I wonder if Libertarian Fonzie is bitter and jealous over Fruit Sushi’s dreamy, boyish, good looks.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Is Robby still on the masthead? I never think to go over there (maybe occasionally for Volokh re Scotus).

        KM-W did us a favor. Let’s send her a muffin basket.

      • leon

        I’d rather read Robby than Volokh.

        Many libertarian lawyer writers seem entirely content with not calling out judges for being blatantly biased and political in their decisions.

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Many libertarian lawyer writers seem entirely content with not calling out judges for being blatantly biased and political in their decisions.

        They can get into murky ethics waters if they’re still active lawyers. The ethics rules for lawyers are more strict than civil defamation law.

      • leon

        Is there a group of people more huffed up on their own farts than American judges?

    • Apples and Knives

      On the bright side, she’s getting ratioed pretty badly for it.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Ratioed isnt enough anymore. The fact that its even allowed to stand is just an indication that the general public really doesn’t care. Peolisi knew it would hit the news and she would have all the cover she needs.

        No different when ChiTown mayor got her hair done, or Vegas allowed only police officers to get theirs cut, or Guvs going out without their own mandated masks, or going out of State to eat inside…

  8. Not Adahn

    “I can’t breathe,” the hat said.

    “Don’t start that shit up again,” the hair hissed.

    LO-fucking-L

    • Rhywun

      Yep.

      Onwards…

    • WTF

      Yeah, that made me laugh. Along with “What happens when a black guy kills a black guy? Do I have to go there?”

      “Nah,” the hat said. “Those are freebies.”

  9. leon

    Hah! The ending killed me.

  10. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Theirs was a forbidden love.

    A love defined by suits and shoulder holsters and cheap motel rooms…

    • Gustave Lytton

      Cheap motel rooms? This the secret service, not dog catchers.

  11. Count Potato

    ““Wait,” Donald said, swallowing, “What happens when a black guy kills a black guy? Do I have to go there?”

    “Nah,” the hat said. “Those are freebies.””

    Unfortunately, that’s not even parody.

    As far as I know, 21 people were shot in DC in the largest mass shooting this year, and it didn’t even make the news.

    • juris imprudent

      The only one killed was a young off-duty cop, and she was black – so, nope, no story there.

  12. EvilSheldon

    He botched the COVID-19 response, fomented racial division, and drove his protective detail to deviant behaviors. Trump is truly the monster to end all monsters.

    • Not Adahn
    • kbolino

      fomented racial division

      Who can forget when he said, “if I had a son, he’d look like Kyle Rittenhouse”.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Could you imagine?

        Humpty Dumpty would fall right off the wall.

    • Chipwooder

      He’s “stroked” racial conflict, according to Joe Biden.

      • juris imprudent
  13. leon

    Ya’ll need to lay off the Secret Service Agents. Ever since they were banned from getting hookers, they’ve had to seek new comforts.

    • CPRM

      Don’t even get me started on ‘Buffalo’ wings!

    • Not Adahn

      Claiming boneless chicken wings are “really” chicken tenders is transphobic.

    • Sean

      At the end of the young man’s speech, councilman Roy Christensen said, “For the record, that’s my son,” as laughter erupts in the chamber.

      The kid does all the set up, but the dad gets the laughs.

      • Rhywun

        Right?! I can’t believe Dad didn’t slink out of there while no one was looking.

    • Rebel Scum

      I want to know the dark truth behind deep dish pizza.

      • Old Man With Candy

        There is no such thing.

      • RBS

        The truth is out there.

    • Idle Hands

      that motherfucker is a goddamn hero.

      • Ownbestenemy

        That is what city council meetings should be…all the time…forever

  14. Rebel Scum

    Because it is not actually off topic. . .

    Donald J. Trump
    @realDonaldTrump

    It never ends! Now they are trying to say that your favorite President, me, went to Walter Reed Medical Center, having suffered a series of mini-strokes. Never happened to THIS candidate – FAKE NEWS. Perhaps they are referring to another candidate from another Party!

    Questioning Hidin’ Biden’s fitness for office is Russian propaganda.

    ABC’s Jonathan Karl reported on new government intelligence Tuesday that the Russians are seeking to sow discord in American politics by casting doubt over former Vice President Joe Biden’s mental fitness for office.

    “It was meant to be a warning, an intelligence bulletin from the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) alerting local, state and federal law enforcement to a Russian scheme to damage Joe Biden’s presidential campaign,” Karl explained.

    They nuked Hilldawg and now they are after Joe. It is known.

    • kbolino

      Maybe, just maybe, sowing discord is the point and they don’t actually have a preference for any candidate.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Biden had a second brain aneurysm way back in 1988, which is well documented BTW, but nothing to see here, all is well.

      • invisible finger

        Old-age Lobotomy

    • Chipwooder

      Sure. The reason why people think Biden’s brain has turned to cream of mushroom soup is those dastardly Russians and not the fact that the senile moron can’t even read printed material for more than 5 minutes without stalling like a ’74 Pinto.

    • Rhywun

      your favorite President, me

      LOL master troll

  15. DEG

    armored Presidential pimpmobile.

    That sounds cooler than the Pimpmobile I used to have.

    “Wait,” Donald said, swallowing, “What happens when a black guy kills a black guy? Do I have to go there?”

    “Nah,” the hat said. “Those are freebies.”

    Heh.

  16. Rebel Scum

    I guess there are a fair number of rapists in the NFL…

    The Jacob Blake shooting has elicited strong responses from athletes across the globe. Once again, issues such as police brutality and racial inequality continue to spark discussions about a need for change. Just a few months ago, Sean Payton and the New Orleans Saints dealt with a social justice storyline of their own when Drew Brees drew criticism for insensitive national anthem comments.

    However, thanks to a creative idea from Payton, the Saints sent a powerful visual message on Thursday about the Blake shooting that continues to generate powerful words and actions from not only professional athletes but also ordinary citizens.

    • Chipwooder

      Drew Brees will do anything to not get yelled at again.

      Tyler Eifert, on the other hand, is not a giant pussy like Brees and has said that he will put David Dorn’s name on his helmet.

    • kbolino

      I don’t think anyone has thought very deeply about making people who fought with the police the faces of this movement will have in the long term. Eric Garner and George Floyd were killed while fully subdued. Rayshard Brooks and Jacob Blake were fighting with the police at the time they were shot.

      • Tundra

        I don’t think anyone has thought very deeply about making people who fought with the police the faces of this movement will have in the long term. Eric Garner and George Floyd were killed while fully subdued. Rayshard Brooks and Jacob Blake were fighting with the police at the time they were shot.

      • Chipwooder

        I’ve thought about this from time to time too. They always seem to pick the worst examples as the ones they want to really blow up into a huge issue, like those two and Mike Brown.

        Remember poor Walter Scott? Guy who was pulled over for a brake light not working, fled because he had a warrant for unpaid child support, and was shot in the back while running away? Why wasn’t he made the poster bot of the movement? No violence in his past, no actual criminal warrant (only brushes with the law were all regarding child support), wasn’t armed, and was running away. It was one of the most egregious bad shootings I’ve seen, yet no one ever mentions the guy.

      • kbolino

        Actually, I had never heard of him before. But yes, that is also a better example too. There’s also Philando Castile, who told the officer he had a firearm and got shot for it. Or Amadou Diallo, shot for all anyone can tell for not “following orders” given by what looked to him like a bunch of people in plain clothes.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Tamir Rice, 12 year old with a bb gun?

      • grrizzly

        Yep. They said he looked more mature than 12.

      • kbolino

        There has, to their limited credit, been a lot of focus on Breonna Taylor. Though they’re also a bunch of retards who shouted at Rand Paul, the sponsor of the bill to end the practice that got her killed (and is named after her*), to “say her name” like he didn’t already know it or what happened.

        * = Standard caveat about most “named after” bills being terrible

      • Idle Hands

        What about Tamir Rice?

      • Count Potato

        “They always seem to pick the worst examples as the ones they want to really blow up into a huge issue, like those two and Mike Brown. ”

        Exactly, because if they picked clear, obvious examples then there wouldn’t be any controversy.

    • Drake

      What a shitshow.

      In a couple of decades this will be a business case study on how to alienate customers and destroy a brand.

      • Urthona

        I have a feeling they’ll be fine. It’ll blow over and everyone will get into football again.

        Although I’m rooting for it not to be.

      • Fifth Knight of the Derp Table

        Between the endzone signs, the players putting crap on their uniforms, and the ads, I won’t be watching a second. And I’m very much your typical ex jock working class meathead who vicariously revels in the success of the local sports franchises.

        Fuck ’em, I’m out.

    • WTF

      Drew Brees drew criticism for insensitive national anthem comments.

      So now it’s insensitive to say you will not kneel when the national anthem is played, because you feel that it’s disrespectful?

      If the NFL isn’t hemorrhaging fans by now I would be surprised.

      • leon

        He apologized, so clearly it must have been insensitive.

      • WTF

        I know, what a cowardly shit.

    • Ted S.

      Just a few months ago, Sean Payton and the New Orleans Saints dealt with a social justice storyline of their own when Drew Brees drew criticism for insensitive national anthem comments speaking up for what he believed in just like Colin Kaepernick, but in a way the sportswriters didn’t approve of

      Fixed it for them.

  17. Gustave Lytton

    Was expecting something about why Judge Trump’s tweets sounded suspiciously like Donald’s.

  18. R C Dean

    Love the with and without Hat and Hair dialogue. Makes it all too easy to imagine why Trump’s normal speaking style is so . . . disconnected?

    • Gadfly

      Agreed. I am still hoping that the Hair and the Hat are actual sentient beings and not just figments of Trump’s ego and id, but it was hilarious to see a scene sans their dialogue, as everyone else would see it.

    • Rebel Scum

      The film adaptation of the fantasy novel written by James Comey? It’s real.

      • Drake

        Hollywood has crawled all the way up it’s own ass. I’m amused by the noticeable drop-off in the quality of movies and the DNC convention production since Weinstein was taken out.

      • Mojeaux

        Remind me. Did Weinstein diddle kids or just beguile hungry ingenues with promises of movie roles?

      • SugarFree

        Just young actresses. He left the kids to agents and managers. Harvey knew his place in the hierarchy of abuse.

      • Count Potato

        As a potato, I am outraged at your othering of the ficus community.

        #PlantLivesMatter

    • SugarFree

      Yuge missed opportunity. The trailer clearly sets it up as a story of forbidden love.

      • Idle Hands

        I’d watch that.

      • SugarFree

        The whisper. The lingering handshake. The romantic dinner for two. Demands of secrecy and loyalty. Betrayal. Heartbreak. PG book deal.

      • SugarFree

        The Comey Rule: “I never cum first.”

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        “You showed me your dossier, now it’s time for you to meet mine.”

      • SugarFree

        Slo-mo shots of shirtless Putin on the horse. Piss hooker vignettes. Christopher Steele is already a porn name.

        Seriously, we can write this in a weekend.

      • leon

        Ron Jeremy as Comey?

      • SugarFree

        And Trump. We just switch wigs back and forth.

      • Idle Hands

        Ron Jeremy might be unavailable.

      • Mad Scientist

        Is it too soon to whisper Oscar?

    • CPRM

      Reverse Citizen’s United! It’s good when WE do it!

  19. Mojeaux

    @Lazer, our newest Tulpa.

    Welcome, and happy to have another Missourian!

    My people are from Ava and also, a shameless self-promotion alert: I wrote a book and set it in Mansfield and Ava.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Missouri loves company?

      • Mojeaux

        Indeed it does!

      • Swiss Servator

        *narrows gaze*

        Thought you could get away with that one, eh?

      • Gustave Lytton

        A narrowed gaze is the highest form of pun validation here.

      • robc

        30 years ago I suggested that as a tourism slogan to a Mizzite and almost got punched.

      • Mojeaux

        It’s ‘cuz it’s as old as Harry Truman (if not older).

  20. l0b0t

    Brilliant, SF; BRAVO!

    • Gustave Lytton

      It’s just payback for In the Ghetto.

  21. OBJ FRANKELSON

    Marvelous! I think there was a missed opportunity to work the 13/50 bit in there, seems like something the hat would blurt out from time to time.

  22. Ownbestenemy

    Local news has begun to no longer blast their pages with COVID numbers, making me think that they are also done with it.

    We were heavy mask wearers in our area but the ctacks are forming and more people are just not even attempting to wear them anymore.

    My fathers post-memorial was at a bar in Cali, no distancing, no masks, hell even a couple of *gasps* 18 year olds inside of it playing pool with family.

    • DEG

      Sorry about your father. The post-memorial sounds like it was needed burst of normality.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Its all good. We were fortunate (so pissed I even have to write that) to hold a small service.

      • Ownbestenemy

        DEG you have no idea. My oldest is petrified and to an extent, justified. He lives with my mom and step-dad and are in their 70+ and with some comorbidities.

        But he needs to get out and get a job so I convinced him to come down. He wore a mask the whole time and I had to dress down my niece (not sure that is the proper turn of phrase) for trying to get him to remove the mask.

        In the end though, he got out of his bubble, saw family and friends and maybe he will realize, that life will go on.

      • DEG

        Hopefully he will see the light and get a job.

    • Ted S.

      I’ve seen more stories about the so-called opioid epidemic and vaping as well.

    • Urthona

      Where are all the fucking polls?

      • leon

        RCP seems to show a bunch from yesterday and today.

      • Urthona

        So few batttleground polls though.

    • whiz

      The betting odds have gone from 61-37 Biden to 50-50 in the span of 6 weeks.

      • Urthona

        I still see Biden “winning” by gaudy numbers in the national polls but the reluctance to poll really important battleground states mystifies me.

        Those states are trending toward Trump recently.

      • Gadfly

        The RCP polling average of “battleground” states shows Trump behind Biden by 2, but over Hillary’s numbers at the same time last time by 1, so if there’s a similar “shy Tory” effect as last time, Biden is in trouble. We’ll see how it goes. We could very well have a repeat of 2016 on our hands. I would savor the tears, and as terrible as Trump is I do think he’d be leagues better than Biden.

  23. SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

    OT: I’m gonna be teaching a class to a bunch of high school kids on Constitution Day. I’ve narrowed it down to 4 topics. Does any one of them stick out to y’all? Any suggestions on specific materials/concepts to be covered?

    1) “Who does the bill of rights apply to?” – A brief overview of the philosophy of natural rights. Relevant portions of the declaration and constitution that affirm natural rights. Some of the historical controversies that arose from the applicability of the BoR (Japanese internment, gitmo, etc.)

    2) The anti-federalists – a whistlestop tour of the anti-federalist papers and a look into how they influenced the constitution

    3) Separation of powers and delegation – how the constitution struck a balance between the branches, and how the government has tried to get around those restrictions (Marbury, repudiation of non-delegation doctrine, administrative agencies)

    4) power of the purse – what the constitution says about treasury and spending, along with historical and modern controversies (national Bank, gold standard, the fed, Dole v SD, etc)

    • Ownbestenemy

      Man….good luck. #1 is always good but #3 is good too.

    • Mojeaux

      #1

      • Ownbestenemy

        Yep with #1 you could work in why initially the thought that a BoR would be detrimental to the concept of the Constitution

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        The school’s actually up in your direction, Mo. It’s a KCPS school.

      • Mojeaux

        Are you doing this Zoom or are you actually coming here?

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Zoom. I wish I could do the lesson in person, but I can’t imagine the level of freaking out that would accompany such a thing.

      • Mojeaux

        Which school is it, if I may ask?

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        I’m a little bit hesitant to answer publicly because school name plus what was in my original comment could result in it being trivial for somebody from the school to connect the dots and be able to dox me.

        If you wanna know, shoot me an email and I’ll answer privately.

        5v8tz4onh9so@opayq.com

      • Mojeaux

        No big. It’s not that deep for me. LOL Not my school district.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Perhaps you could work a brief history of the historical context and contemporary thinking behind some of the amendments and why the 9th and 10th have been a mostly dead letter by SCOTUS.

    • Tundra

      1 barely works with libertarians.

      I like 3.

    • Rhywun

      Just don’t make it political.

      😛

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        lol, I’ve found how hard it is to do that.

        Natural Rights? The Marxists hate the concept. Separation of powers? A specific target of the progressive era. Power of the purse? Too soon.

        On the other hand, cucking out and doing some generic “the constitution was good, it did things that impact us to this very day” is going to bore those kids to tears. I’d much rather never be invited back.

      • Tundra

        Then focus on 2A

    • commodious spittoon

      #5 Why hate speech is a horseshit idea intended to help progressive fascists (BIRM) tear down a vital, essential facet of our civilization.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Start with the basics. #3

      Then bleed into the discussion of the powers that are granted to the government versus those that are explicitly denied.

    • Spartacus

      #3 is probably the most interesting (to me), but #1 is most likely the best for high school students. Teenagers are all about rights, and #1 will hold their interest better.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        I like 1, but with natural rights deism will be involved, if that’s problematic. Do you have time to work in a bit of Judge Nap?

    • DEG

      #1 or #3.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      I’ll be the contrarian and go with #2

      Mostly because the anti-federalist papers are a hole in my own education and I imagine for most people as it’s just barely acknowledged in schools. Teach the controversy and the objections. Otherwise there is too much a feeling that the US Constitution came down from Mt Sinai fully formed.

    • Gadfly

      #1, and emphasize that the rights are not grants from the government but protections for the people of their preexisting rights from the government. If you want to go all out, emphasize how people aren’t free if they are not free to defend themselves with words and weapons (as appropriate) and that this country and the constitution would not exist if people did not fight for that, which is why it’s protected (among other things) by the BoR.

  24. kinnath

    Me Too!

    Joe and Jill Biden will visit Kenosha tomorrow for a ‘community meeting’ two days after Donald Trump thanked cops and called rioters ‘domestic terrorists’

    I hope BLM/antifa shows up and behaves badly.

    • AlexinCT

      The Biden people will not send the busses to pick them up….

  25. commodious spittoon

    The two Secret Service agents across from him nodded and one tried to smile.

    My favorite part about these vignettes are the bystanders reacting to one side of Donald’s feverdream conversations.

    • commodious spittoon

      Oh jeez, I should have read on! Masterpiece.

      • kbolino

        The curtain was pulled back, as they say.

    • commodious spittoon

      And the way Donald warps reality around him. Those too agents? Not even gay, I bet. NTTAWWT

    • Tundra

      Good rant.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Gutfeld has been a tear lately. I almost feel sorry for Juan… almost.

      • Count Potato

        “Excellent research Pauly. You stepped outside and no one beat you senseless (not that we would notice) So it’s all good. Maybe ask the police for stats on shootings, shooting victims and robberies you lazy dope. I have them and happy to send.”

        https://twitter.com/greggutfeld/status/1301222173122662401

        LOLOL

      • Brochettaward

        My favorite response:

        Billy Beck
        @BeckWJIII
        Replying to
        @greggutfeld
        I was out driving around town and didn’t see a single black person getting shot by cops!

      • Tundra

        So has Smith. I wish he’d do more shows with Malice again, though.

  26. prolefeed

    Getting trashed ribs at Salt + Smoke in St. Louis. ?

    • Ownbestenemy

      Excellent. Reminds me, i have ribs to smoke.

  27. WTF

    Cockburn looted the looting book:

    So, to get into the spirit of things, Cockburn pirated a PDF of the book, which was surprisingly easy to do. He also fired off this email to Bold Type Books, Osterweil’s publisher, to ask how they’d feel if the public ‘looted’ their book:

    Dear Sir or Madam,

    We at The Spectator have successfully pirated a copy of In Defense of Looting from the internet. Beats paying for it! We’d like your permission to republish the entire book on our website free of charge as an easily downloadable or shareable PDF file — in order to spread the message far and wide. Assume that’s fine? Please let us know if not.

    So far, Bold Type hasn’t gotten back to us. Suddenly, they don’t seem too enthusiastic about subverting racist ideas like ‘you should pay for things you want.’ How strange!

    When Jonah Goldberg’s Liberal Fascism was published in 2009, many bookstores hid their copies of it, simply based on the name and cover illustration of a smiley face with the tiny toothbrush moustache. I wonder how proudly bookstores in malls are displaying In Defense of Looting in riot-torn 2020?

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      It’s not VO’s (presumable) trans status that bothers me, but the demented expression on their face.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      *chuckle*

      I think I’ll go to Barnes and Noble and just ask if I can take a copy,

    • leon

      I’m not a huge fan of Kant, but i will say that it’s funny when “ethicists” can’t even come up with something that meets his moral imperative.

  28. leon

    62 Days till election day + UNK amount of days of turmoil after it.

    • Mad Scientist

      I just want it to be over. I’m so sick of hearing about why I should chose to be fucked over by jackass A instead of jackass B.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        If you go to Tijuana you can watch someone else get fucked by a jackass for once.

      • Ozymandias

        If you go to Tijuana you can watch someone else get fucked by a jackass for once.

        for $20, same as downtown.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Just don’t catch the banana and its all good.

    • Rebel Scum

      “Stop your boast about — never being — seemed at you — you can do anything.”

      “You know the thing!”

    • The Other Kevin

      Come on, man! Do you need a drug test?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Biden was a consummate bullshitter. It’s what made him a viable politician.

        He can’t even get out a white lie now without stammering.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I actually feel bad for him. He’s definitely…abadoo…purple monkey dishwasher.

      • Chipwooder

        That’s why I roll my eyes when writers start getting defensive about his “stutter”. If he legitimately has a stutter, why did no one ever hear it prior to 2020? Is it common for people who stutter to successfully overcome it for decades and then suddenly start stuttering again as they near 80?

      • leon

        They do if they have dementia.

      • SugarFree

        And repeating a word like a skipping a record or using the wrong word or mangling a sentence into incoherence isn’t a stutter in the first place.

      • Mad Scientist

        Look, it’s just, I mean, 100 years! Think about it.

    • Chipwooder

      Someone pointed it out on twitter – whenever Biden starts stumbling over his words and then says “look, …..” it means he’s forgotten the script and is winging it, and disaster always follows.

  29. Mojeaux

    Facebook re-approved my ad, but nary a “sorry” to be found.

  30. The Late P Brooks

    I just want it to be over. I’m so sick of hearing about why I should chose to be fucked over by jackass A instead of jackass B.

    CHOOSE YOUR JACKASS, BEFORE YOUR JACKASS CHOOSES YOU.

  31. Gustave Lytton

    Huh. Checked Amazon and bear spray is out of stock, along with many other pepper sprays. Imagine that.

    • kinnath

      The best time to buy bear spray was 6 months ago.

    • The Other Kevin

      How about bottles of urine?

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        *starts chugging water*

        All yours for the low low price of 19.99 + s/h

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Are you one of those tiktok girls?

      • leon

        Depends. Are you planning on simping for him?

    • SugarFree

      By the way, bear mace is less potent than human mace. Usually a longer range, but less with the stingy burny.

      • Brochettaward

        I’d like to think that Sugarfree knows this based on personal experience.

      • Gustave Lytton

        It also seems designed to cloud more than human defensive sprays. But unless you’re LEO, good luck getting anything larger than a pocket sized can these days. Same with smoke grenades.

      • UnCivilServant

        You just keep it in the kitchen and spray it into your food, don’t you?

      • Sean

        ?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Now there’s two fewer available.

        Thanks

      • Gustave Lytton

        I have dog spray at work, which is at the lower end but it’s allowed and orderable at no cost. I think I need a couple more.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Thank god for that.

        Drunken Nerfherder maced himself with some girl’s rape whistle/spray thingamob in college.

        That sucked.

      • SugarFree

        I was exploring buying a friend some bear mace with marking dye and find out about the lower strength of bear mace. Fortunately, many human mace brands now have marking dye, in both visible and UV varieties.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Pepperballs are out of temporarily out of stock with a large price increase. Still have plastic/nylon riot balls.

  32. The Late P Brooks

    Serious news for serious people

    President Donald Trump used his visit to this reeling Midwestern city on Tuesday to decry “tremendous violence” and minimize the Black Lives Matter protests that have become the largest protest movement in American history.

    Meanwhile, his supporters cheered on a 17-year-old accused of murdering two protesters here after a 29-year-old Black man was shot seven times and at least temporarily paralyzed.

    “I think peaceful protest is fantastic, I think it’s great but, by and large, this is not peaceful protest,” Trump said after he inspected damage left in the wake of sometimes violent unrest with law enforcement officials.

    ——-

    The president’s visit was not welcomed—and in fact actively opposed—by many local officials, who feared Trump would inflame tensions after the shooting of Blake, days of demonstrations, and the deaths of two protesters, both allegedly at the hands of Kyle Rittenhouse, a 17-year-old pro-cop teen vigilante.

    ——-

    Meanwhile, Blake’s family joined a community gathering at the site of his shooting. Free haircuts and acupuncture were on offer for those traumatized by so much violence in their midst, and children danced on bouncy castles that dangled a respite from a country in turmoil.

    “I and many people don’t want him to come here,” Kenosha resident Adelana Akindes, 24, told The Daily Beast. “We feel like he’s just going to escalate everything that’s been happening—all of the… fear and, like, violence surrounding the protests, it’s going to just escalate.”

    She said Trump’s presence in Kenosha wouldn’t address the “real problems,” like systemic racism and police brutality.

    Buildings were burned.

    If free haircuts won’t fix systemic racism, what will?

    • leon

      They should now do a study on “Insistence that everyone conforms to your desires, even if they have no effect on you”.

    • Rebel Scum

      People who refuse to follow rules on wearing facemasks are more likely to have malevolent sociopathic traits, a study suggests.

      I like to malevolently avoid being meddled with and forced to do pointless and possibly damaging things to show my virtue.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        The spin is interesting, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if sociopathic people conform less to supposodely pro social behavior than normies but they’re implying that not wearing masks serves as an indicator of sociopathy. Only a sociopath or an asshole would do that.

  33. Gadfly

    This was a great entry in the H&H cannon. Deserves a round of applause.

  34. Fatty Bolger

    I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats. Seriously, great stuff.