“I have brought peace to the Middle East. I have healed a wound in the psyche of the world. I will win the Nobel Peace Prize, maybe even two. And I get overshadowed by Joe Biden playing a song on his phone to Mexicans,” Donald said, pacing around his office.
“I don’t know about ‘overshadowed,’” the hat said. “I mean, no Democrats are really happy he did that, the song is like three years old. That’s like a decade in shitty pop song years.”
“I remember a decade ago,” Donald said. “1999 was a great year, just tremendous.”
“1999?” the hair asked.
“The Matrix had just come out,” Donald said. “Weird movie. No boobs. Why make a movie with no boob shots? What’s the point?”
“1999?” the hair asked again.
“What?” Donald said. “The Matrix came out in 1999. Look it up on the imdbs.”
“It’s 2020, Donald,” the hat said. “He’s trying to figure out if you are stroking out or just bad at math.”
“What does that have to do with The Matrix?” Donald asked. He paced around the Oval Office, touching the ritual objects and the edges of tables, the quiet swish of his pants the only sound.
The Oval Office door opened suddenly and McKayla burst into the room, blonde and bubbly. The APPLAUSE sign over the set began to flash.
“McKayla!” Donald cried happily and shuffled toward her.
“Mr. President!’ she said and ducked a hug. “You’re dressed! That’s great! I’m so proud of you!” She looked back out of the office door and motioned. A group of janitors in overalls with mops and buckets and a sandblaster walked.
“And you brought friends!” Donald said, reaching out for her arm as she danced away.
“These men are here to clean the Oval Office for the photo ops with the peace agreement participants.”
“Cleaners?” Donald said. “I love Latins! So hot-blooded and passionate!”
“You’ll need to leave, sir,” McKayla said.
“Leave?” Donald asked. “Where would I go?”
“We’ll go for a walk in The Rose Garden together,” McKayla suggested. “You can’t stay in here. The chemicals they will have to use are too dangerous to be around.”
“Deep clean, I get it. Ivanka told me the other day it smelled like monkeys fucking in here.”
“I said that,” the hat snapped.
“Did you know my daughter is a Jew now?” Donald asked as McKayla lead him away.
“Yes, sir, I did,” she said.
“Donald!” the hat cried. “Don’t leave me in here! Chemicals!” He watched Donald slumped form walking away as the hair flipped him off with a cowlick.
The cleaners began to work, emptying trashcans, spot-cleaning blood and snot, clearing the shoals of Diet Coke cans. The hat growled when they got close to the desk he was sitting on, but they ignored him. The cleaners hauled out the couch Sarah peed on, the rug that had Guilini-jizz worked deep into the pile and brought in new furnishings, same as the old but clean, kept in storage for state occasions. Donald’s McNugget-encrusted office chair was rolled into the Presidential Shitter and replaced. Finally, a mist of hospital-grade odor neutralizer was sprayed on every surface and the walls and curtains, becoming a choking fog. The hat tried to burrow into a pile of facemasks, but they were swept off the desk as well and taken away.
After the cleaners left, the hat waited for Donald to return, for the hat to take pride of place as the dignitaries piled into the office glad-hand and bow and have their pictures taken. The hat thought about his plans for everyone, refined now to include McKayla and cleaning personnel. He stewed in his hate and waited.
Revenge of the Hat, soon to be a major motion picture.
Hopefully with lots of boob shots.
Return of the Hat
The hat strikes back?
The Hat, Ascendant
The Hat 2: Hat Harder
Seriously.
For the PG-13 market. Seriously.
Slasher films and teen/college comedies in the 70’s/80’s all had gratuitous nudity in them. That faded away as PG-13 swept across the land.
There were even a few PG movies with “non-sexual” nudity before the PG-13 barrier. 1981’s Looker is one.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082677/
Not to mention the gratuitous drug-use in so many 80s PG movies.
Airplane! had titties in it. And we were all better for it.
Mmmmmmm…Susan Dey.
I’m not saying there weren’t other movies that had some nudity, but it was almost always thrown in gratuitously in certain movies to make sure they didn’t get a PG rating, as R rated movies were the money makers back then. Now most movies aim for the PG-13 rating.
I blame the unholy alliance of the Moral Majority and feminism in the 80s. Boobs became a bad thing, corrupting the purity of America’s essence.
Sixteen Candles was another of the PG boob shots. Next year, Weird Science, which should have been all boobs shots, nothing.
Hardcore porn in mainstream theaters (Deep Throat, Debbie Does Dallas) to Kelly LeBrock fully clothed in ten short years.
I can remember a fair number of PG and PG-13 movies that had nudity. “BN” for “brief nudity” in the old HBO listings, which was something adolescent me would always be on the lookout for in the years before my parents would let me watch R movies.
And the flipside today, where “graphic nudity” just means dong.
Isn’t it funny how the D has always been considered most taboo in movies and teeeveee? I mean you could show all of a woman for decades, but a man’s cock-n-ballz is still kinda sketchy.
As my dad told me years ago after we watched Robocop. Show a guy getting shot in the dick, it’s rated R. Show the dick, it’s rated X.
Rated X.
No one wants to see your junk, Francisco.
Speak for yourself.
I thought you were partial to Rearden’s junk?
So right.
Hard as his metal!
Really? The equivalent, at least to me, would be seeing labia minora, clitoris, and at least the vaginal opening. Plus, all that used to be “shrouded in shrubbery”. (Paul Reiser?)
A man’s junk is fully exposed, a woman’s is not.
Nah…that’d be closer to a hard-on
Disagree. The equivalent would be what I mentioned above covered in sweat. Okay, this would be a raging hard-on equivalent, but still. 🙂
The hat thought about his plans for everyone, refined now to include McKayla and cleaning personnel. He stewed in his hate and waited.
Yeah! That’s the Hat I’ve grown to love!
Nice one today, SF.
Dang! More cliffhangers!
And now my colleague is Slacking me again about all the ass he’s getting.
If he’s into donkeys, he might be violating state or local laws.
If he’s “slacking” you, why does he need other women? He have some sort of hormonal disorder?
She never said he was getting women.
I don’t shit where I eat.
https://youtu.be/3C6HuDJCtyo
Well, I didn’t think you were German.
You have some real weird colleagues… or your company’s harassment policy is tame…
The only people whom you should discuss ass getting Qatar’s with at work are thE HR fucks that collect them like baubles…
I think KK works FedGov.
That explains things. According to internet traffic pattern research FedGov sites and employees account for more than half the traffic to pr0n sites during work hours. Maybe that’s the ass this coworker is talking about? Chatturbation at work, yo.
Ah, cloud-based business collaboration sites. Is there nothing that you cannot sully and degrade through your very proximity?
I wonder what mutant superpowers the hat is going to develop from his exposure to the chemicals?
“The Dark Hat Returns?”
“I am the nightcap.”
DarkHat?
DarkHat II: The Return of Bannon?
DarkHat III: Die Darkhat Die?
Imagery.
Poetry.
Luxury.
Somebody will take you there
So that’s what I was doing all through elementary/middle school.
““It’s 2020, Donald,” the hat said. “He’s trying to figure out if you are stroking out or just bad at math.””
Should that be the hair?
No, it’s the other two that are wrong. Dammit.
If I had known how hard keeping “hat” and “hair” straight would be for me, I would have named them “Toupee” and “Chapeau.”
Frogs! What are the Russian words for hat and hair now again Tovarish?
The Russian word for hat has French origins.
Another Jim Snow prosecution. Bar owner Jake Gardner charged with manslaughter in James Scurlock shooting death.
Riot, property owner defends himself and or his property, someone gets shot, threaten to riot again if innocent property owner isn’t charged, property owner is charged.
Fuck that shit, these prosecutors have GOT to be held accountable. Legislation, a Supreme Court case, I don’t give a fuck.
Roberts prepares for the wing vote.
Is Biden suffering from “Sundowning” like many other dementia patients? May explain why he’s never seen at night.
I’ve heard that theory batted around but I’m going with he’s a reverse vampire and the only thing that slakes his unholy thirst is a bottle of Aricept.
*muses re-issuing all 32 animated episodes with badly timed canned laughter*
Maybe a selectable audio track on the DVD.
https://triblive.com/local/westmoreland/westmoreland-sheriff-albert-explains-switch-to-gop-i-have-not-left-the-democratic-party-the-democratic-party-has-left-me/
More jumping ship.
So he just now realized the parties switched sides and all racists like him moved over to the GOP 45 years ago?
Translation: “I want to keep my job.”
WTF?
It’s the name of the town the college is in. We also have a Pennsylvania state college of Indiana, and a town named Jersey Shore smack dab in the middle of the state. Pennsylvania town names are weird.
The way this is handled most places I’ve seen is ‘University of STATE NAME – CITY NAME’, but this is just a jumbled mess.
As someone that was subjected to the Pennsylvania state college system, jumbled mess isn’t even close.
Privatize it.
And the PLCB.
Privatize the university system, burn the PLCB to the ground and salt the ashes.
Err…. I should have said the stores.
Fuck the rest of the PLCB.
NH’s Liquor Commission has some similarities despite doing a better job with running state stores. They have their own police force which gets all tacticooled up to enforce the Clown Prince’s orders against bars and restaurants.
New Hampshire’s system was set up to make the state money. Pennsylvania’s system was set up with the express purpose of making it as difficult and expensive as possible for the public to buy alcohol. In that respect, I’d say the Pennsylvania system is working exactly as intended.
Visited both California, Slippery Rock, and Indiana University of Pennsylvania when my son was thinking about playing D2 college football. I liked Slippery Rock the best, he liked Indiana.
There is also Intercourse, Bird-in-Hand, and Blue Ball. I’ve driven through all three (not a euphemism).
A relative of mine spent one semester at IUP.
Jimmy Stewart is from Indiana, PA.
Best part of Blue Ball is that it is right down the road from Intercourse.
All located not too far from here.
We have a Blue Ball, OH not too far away. Also, a Red Lion. I was always told that, post WWII, people migrating to Ohio in search of factory work were largely illiterate, and they needed a visual cue to let them know where they were. Of course each town has a giant Blue Ball and Red Lion in the center, respectively.
The orcas are mad as hell, and they’re not going to take it anymore
They’re obviously mad about climate change and/or signaling that black lives matter.
My guess is someone did something shitty to a pod of whales and now they see boats as a harassment/threat.
Incredibly, they are the only animal other than man who kills for revenge.
According to a documentary I saw, great white sharks will track down and kill your relatives.
Ravens may qualify as well. They’ll hold grudges.
and how far will those orcas go for revenge?
They’re trying to rape some boats, LEAVE SEA SMITH FRIENDS ALONE!
SEA SMITH GROUPIES.
Time to start hunting orcas.
Are we gonna need a bigger boat?
My boat won’t float, so we’ll need A boat.
Winston’s Mom: Whatever floats your boat honey, you paid the $20.
Uncivil: My boat doesn’t float.
*awkward silence*
CUT TO: Uncivil and Winston’s Mom playing warhammer
Winston’s Mom: Easiest 20 bucks I ever made, my ass isn’t torn at all.
That’s a sitcom idea if I’ve ever seen one.
That’s like the joke about the guy getting caught with a hot young nubile woman on the elevator after an earthquake and she asking him to make her feel like a real woman just one more time cause she is sure they are going to die there..
So he strips and tells her to fold the laundry…
Starring Jim Parsons and Courtney Love?
“King’s knight to king’s bishop 3”
*slaps chess timer*
“Sorry hun, but my clock says you’re out of time”
*canned laughter*
I warned you guys.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8735169/Three-BLM-protesters-charged-screaming-f-white-people-diners-Pittsburgh.html
Let’s see if they get convicted.
Still better than Portland.
No doubt.
I guess the hate crime sentence enhancement gets applied after conviction.
“The Matrix had just come out,” Donald said. “Weird movie. No boobs. Why make a movie with no boob shots? What’s the point?”
“1999?” the hair asked again.
“What?” Donald said. “The Matrix came out in 1999. Look it up on the imdbs.”
“It’s 2020, Donald,” the hat said. “He’s trying to figure out if you are stroking out or just bad at math.”
It’s a glitch in the Matrix.
The Oval Office door opened suddenly and McKayla burst into the room, blonde and bubbly. The APPLAUSE sign over the set began to flash.
Wait… APPLAUSE sign over the Oval Office? Another glitch in the Matrix.
Just a 4th wall being broken.
The world is dark right now, but spicy Mcnuggets may just bring a smile to your face.
She’s at that XXX joint on the other side of town this week?
Anybody know what this is? I found it along railroad tracks that run from my plant. The only other industry near those tracks is a fireworks warehouse, but I don’t know why they’d discard this random thing along the RR, so I’m thinking it’s RR related. About the midpoint inside the cylinder is a solid plate divider. The cylinder’s bottom cap is perforated for ventilation/drainage. The u-channel on the side is capped at the bottom.
https://imgur.com/gallery/jmIs8F8
80’s LAW rocket prop
or
dual dildo storage device with drainage feature
SF has inspired you.
That’s one way of putting it.
It is reminiscent of an immersion heater…
You fill the tube with water and a fuel source in the underside to heat the water.
But that is just a guess.
Or maybe a mini smoker? For now, I’ll just hang it up in the office as a convo piece.
It’s a container for holding railroad flares. See here for an old Union Pacific R.R. version: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/559431584935426391/
Aha! Thanks. Now to find some flares!
From pics, my best guess is the drain-able bottom section is for filling with earthen ballast. A flag staff slides into the side’s u channel. And maybe actual flares are stored in the upper half of the tube. Interesting.
I’m sticking with dual dildo storage device.
You know, if you clean them off they won’t stick to you.
They will still stick in you either way, though.
So many of the world’s problems would be solved, if we would all just learn to squat and relax over a bath towel…
I’m more interested in why you have a drop cloth taped to the floor…Dexter!
SF has inspired *me*.
“Dem Mayor Launches Study That Will Collect Blood Samples From Randomly Selected Houston Homes”
https://www.zerohedge.com/medical/dem-mayor-launches-study-will-collect-blood-samples-randomly-selected-houston-homes
““If we knock on your door, I strongly encourage you and your loved ones to participate in this important survey,””
This will be either a colossal waste of money or a massacre.
Do they paint a red cross on your door if you refuse?
No, they weld it closed.
Yes, with the blood you refused to give to save lives.
More importantly, can I ward off the plague of bureaucrats by sacrificing a lamb to YWH and painting its blood over the door?
No, no, no. You ward off the plague of bureaucrats by putting the head of an earlier bureaucrat on a spike in the front yard. It’s even more effective if you brand ‘ANNOYING PEST’ on the forehead.
pour encourager les autres…
Do you have a newsletter?
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – never open a door unless you know who’s on the other side of it. That goes triple for your doors at home.
Just put up a sign on your front door that says “QUARANTINED by order of the Harris County Department of Health. DO NOT ENTER”
Kanye spicing things up today.
That makes me like him more. If Trump starts a war or something between now and the election he’s getting my vote for sure.
Seems like our old stomping grounds of Pensacola/Orange Beach got hammered by the storm. Definitely don’t mind living so far from the water anymore when this happens.
This insanity will never end.
They’ll be even more effective when commie virus disappears, which is why we must wear them forever.
Our CDC director is illiterate? Would explain a lot.
How he can compare the efficacy of a vaccine to anything, when nobody knows the efficacy of the vaccine, is a mystery.
Finally. There hasn’t been any up to now. I wonder when and where this brand new study scientifically proving that masking works will be published.
So can we see the scientific data then?
Nope, you gotta trust us.
Does he really expect anyone to believe this obvious bullshit?
Or does he expect everyone to be blinded by the brilliance of his position, and mindlessly kowtow to the altar of credentialism?
Yes. People are that stupid. 95% of pedestrians are wearing face masks outdoors in my town. It’s been going on like this for almost 5 months now. While there could be certain exceptions, at some point one has to acknowledge that most of them are total morons.
Covidiots.
Has anyone used that before?
Yup.
Relating to the 2020 Covid-19 virus:
Someone who ignores the warnings regarding public health or safety.
A person who hoards goods, denying them from their neighbors.
Did you see that covidiot with 300 rolls of toilet paper in his basket?
That covidiot is hugging everyone she sees.
by you’reandidiot March 16, 2020
IOW the opposite of your proposal
Yes, so Kovidiotsᵀᴹ it is then.
It’s the covidiots v. the branch covidians
Covidiots: the name used by Branch Covidians for people who are panic deniers.
Branch Covidiants: the name used by Covidiots for people who are panicked.
Gullible, anyway. I’ve heard “covidiot” apply to both the extra-precautious and skeptics.
Sure, why not. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Now I’m home, it’s safe to read…..
the couch Sarah peed on
I must have missed that episode.
Well, for certain values of “safe”, I suppose.
it’s safe to read…..
I can’t get fired.
NextDoor is blowing up. Apparently I have a bear.
You should close the curtains if you don’t want your neighbors talking about your “activities”
There are actually no windows on the side of my house closest to a neighbor. Smart architect.
Say what you want about subdivisions, but that seems to be standard. Front/rear windows are fair game, but never can see anything from a side window.
usually because you’re too close to the neighbors house to have enough field of view to see the window unless they’re aligned.
Hide yer picnic baskets.
The pic is of it sitting on its butt with its head in a neighbor’s bird feeder.
Watch out for animal control
They are mostly peaceful. Nothing to worry about.
For you: https://arstechnica.com/science/2020/09/beautifully-preserved-cave-bears-emerge-from-siberian-permafrost/
In fact, most cave bear fossils have been found inside caves, and paleontologists think these bears probably lived in the caves full-time, rather than just popping in for a quick four-month nap.
Ahead of humans.