Martian Violence Blamed On Indiana Guns

by | Oct 28, 2020 | Satire | 199 comments

CYDONIA – Gunfire sounds from every direction on this typical evening on the red planet. Experts say the guns are most likely smuggled from Indiana, a mere 43 million miles away. “Indiana needs to step up and ban the sale of exploding radium bullets”, said xenocrimnilogist Joanna Gambolputty. “It’s well known that anyone can travel from Indiana to Mars without having to worry about being pulled over and having their ship inspected for contraband.” Meanwhile, warlord and community organizer Tars Tarkas suggested tackling the root causes. “The red Martians used to give us tribute, which paid for youth after-war programs such as white ape hunting and the construction of giant stone faces. All gone now. So we fight until the our eggs begin to hatch. Then fight again. I have spoken.”

But hope is in the thin, barely breathable air with the arrival of John Carter, founder of the Thark Lives Matter movement. “I have lived and fought with this noble race for many years. It is high time for everyone on Barsoom to put down the guns, come together, and fight with swords like true warriors. Unless there are any Apaches here. Trust me, you really don’t want to fight Apaches without a gun. How I hate those damn savage injuns!”

“So-called Thark-on-Thark crime has a long history as a racist dog whistle”, said Gambolputty. “We don’t see Tharks shooting each other in progressive cities with tough gun laws like Minneapolis. No, it is only on red planets run by laissez-faire conservatives like the Kaldanes that we see such things. And you can see the results: dead sea bottoms as far as the eye can see, drought, famine, war, crime and beautiful wildlife such the magnificent Blue Plant Kangaroos being hunted for sport on the shores of the Lost Sea of Korus.”

“What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?” said Indiana governor Eric Holcomb. “I don’t know a darn thing about Barsoom, Tharks, ray guns, Holy Therns or whatever else. And I sure as heck don’t know what any of it has to do with the Hoosier State. And if you want to see scenery from another planet, why not visit our lovely Indiana Dunes National Park? It’s the 14th most popular in the country. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for a long and well-deserved vacation.”

Holcomb then retired to a secluded tomb-like structure with a door that could only be opened from the inside. On Mars, there have been rumors that the legendary warlord Ah Rig Hol Kum has returned from his long exile with the weapons he promised, saying: “Hear me, o Warhoons! With these Red Ryder BB guns, we will sweep aside our foes as the winds of Barsoom blow the dust. It will be as in the days of the great Jeddak Ral Fee Par Kur of Ham Mond! Now follow me, for it is a good day to die!”

 

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

199 Comments

  1. Yusef drives a Kia

    Aaaand, ya lost me, funny though

    • straffinrun

      Thought Q had cracked my fetish and found hot naked chicks with cleft palates.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        “Cracked”…..”cleft”
        I can’t even with this.

    • Ayn Random Variation

      29 has to be from Mars

    • DEG

      #17 has a good iChive gallery.

      I agree with Ayn Random Variation about #29.

      #35 is GlibFit and has her own subreddit.

      • Chafed

        I love your detective woek on Q’s t ans a pists.

      • DEG

        Google image search and occasionally TinEye do some heavy lifting for me.

        Thanks!

      • Sir Digby Classic

        Q’s t ans a pists

        So, that’s how it is in their family…..

    • westernsloper

      36

      • Chafed

        I had that book, with that covet, when I was a teenager.

      • Cancelled

        covet? Something Freudian there.

    • juris imprudent

      16 brought back some very fond memories – not a dead ringer, but pretty damn close. Ah, that was a long time ago.

      • Shpip

        Did she live on Gordon Street?

  2. Yusef drives a Kia

    I just looked at pending post I have, and it was last modified on 11\05, I guess I am a time traveler,
    Told Ya!

  3. juris imprudent

    JFC the goddamn criminals in this commonwealth.

    Worse, defying basic principles of interpreting statutes, the Pennsylvania court not only rejected the deadline, but disregarded the explicit instruction by the Pennsylvania legislature — in Act 77, a law signed by the state’s Democratic governor in 2019 — that if any part of the carefully crafted bipartisan compromise was invalidated, the entire thing (including its provisions for mail-in voting) had to be invalidated.

    • leon

      When you’re judge you get to say that constraints on how you get to interpret the law is invalid. At this point the Legislature could reform the PA courts and they would reject it.

    • straffinrun

      They’re letting you mail in your vote by the time the booths close? Why? There is no reason for that. You couldn’t find a mailbox the past month or so?

      • Ayn Random Variation

        The best part is that no postmarks are required. If Biden loses PA it will be a bigger upset than Jets over Colts or Douglas over Tyson.

        I was going to skip town after I voted but maybe I’ll leave Monday? What’s the point?

      • The Hyperbole

        Do you have a link for the “no postmark” rule, everything I’ve read says that they must be postmarked by Nov 3rd. closest thing I’ve read to what your saying is that they can’t be voided because of an ‘illegible’ postmark if there is no other reason to assume they were mailed after the deadline. In other words you cant have ugly, fat, sweaty people looking at each postmark and arguing if that little smudge means that “3” is a “2” or a “5” or a “9” ala the “hanging chad” debacle of the Bush/Gore aftermath.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        https://www.politico.com/news/2020/09/17/pennsylvania-mail-ballot-deadline-extended-417044

        Mail-in ballots in Pennsylvania have previously been due by the time polls close on Election Day. But the court’s order adds a three-day extension to receive ballots that are postmarked by 8 p.m. on Election Day. Ballots with a preelection postmark will now be counted as long as they are received by 5 p.m. on Nov. 6, three days after the polls close.

        The court also wrote that ballots “received within this period that lack a postmark or other proof of mailing, or for which the postmark or other proof of mailing is illegible, will be presumed to have been mailed by Election Day unless a preponderance of the evidence demonstrates that it was mailed after Election Day.”

      • The Hyperbole

        Fair enough, I always only saw the postmarked by part. and in my defense the “no postmark” line is in a footnote of the courts ruling and not in the main text. Lastly, call me naïve, and I am no lawyer but I still question how a large number of ballots could suddenly turn up after election day without postmarks that wouldn’t raise suspicion and a more than likely finding that the ballots were planted. If the assumption is that the poll watchers wont do their job then fraud doesn’t matter in any case. You are worrying about how the votes are counted not who is counting them.

      • juris imprudent

        that wouldn’t raise suspicion

        Raise suspicion in whom? Not the damn Democrats on the court here. Those fuckers are better bought than any politician in history.

      • Gustave Lytton

        If the election office uses a Business Reply Mail permit on the return envelope so that the voter doesn’t have to affix their own stamp, then it won’t be postmarked.

      • The Hyperbole

        Revisit my ultimate sentence. If what you attest is the truth then it matter not how or even if mail-in votes are counted or allowed, it’s a fait accompli. Put a fork in it its over.

      • The Hyperbole

        If the election office uses a Business Reply Mail permit on the return envelope so that the voter doesn’t have to affix their own stamp, then it won’t be postmarked.

        Do they do that? seems in that case no mail-in ballots would have postmarks and the entire argument about postmarked and non-postmarked ballots is moot.

      • Gustave Lytton

        This cycle or the last one, the state here switched from postage required to they’ll pay for the idiots who can’t be bothered to find a stamp.

      • R C Dean

        Requiring that unpostmarked ballots received three days after the election be counted is something beyond an invitation to fraud. Not even the minimal effort of backdating postmarks.

        JFC.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        WTF have you been reading?

      • The Hyperbole

        Twitter and Facebook posts.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        lol OK

    • Rhywun

      A little inside-baseball for me… but yeah on the surface it looks like the courts re-writing laws to me.

    • Ayn Random Variation

      NY > NJ > PA

      I need to rethink things.

      • Sean

        Your symbols are backwards.

      • juris imprudent

        PA Democrats refuse to be out-corrupted by other state parties.

      • Bobarian LMD

        NJ is not between anything on any best to worst scale.

  4. straffinrun

    What is the gravitational pull on Mars? I need to know how high to fly the helicopters.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      One third, but the atmosphere is 1\100th of Earth’s density, good luck with the rotors……

      • straffinrun

        Woodchippers it is.

      • Sensei

        OT – Tonight’s topic for conversation practice in my Japanese class is rakugo.

        I was discussing this with my friends in Japan. You couldn’t ask for a more stereotypical response.

        Kansai friend – enjoys
        Kanto friend – doesn’t particularly care for
        Aichi friend – can go either way

      • straffinrun

        I know a fantastic one that I’ll dig up and post later. I love rakugo and manzai.

      • Sensei

        I may be asleep, but I’ll check back in the morning!

      • Rhywun

        It’s all Greek to me.

      • Sensei

        It’s a form of comedy. And this case the reaction from the Japanese is stereotypical based on geography.

        Think about the difference between NYC humor and midwestern humor.

      • Rhywun

        O, yah.

      • straffinrun

        Think a long form joke peppered with loads of puns.

      • westernsloper

        So this lady walked into a hardware store…….

      • Sensei

        Here’s the one we were discussing in my class in an English blog post.

        https://mbarker.livejournal.com/50526.html

        A good bit of the joke will depend on the storyteller and how it is delivered.

      • westernsloper

        She had to ask the staff but she bought a hinge.

      • westernsloper

        needed a hing, I should have said needed. I already fucked the joke up. I will see myself out.

      • Lazer

        a hammer she wanted, nailed she got!

      • Don escaped Duopoly

        if I had a hammer, I’d use it on Peter Paul and Mary

      • dbleagle

        True dat. Put the current USA mission to Mars has a UAV on it to fly around the landing area. If NASA sticks the landing of “Perseverance” the craft has a separate UAV named “Ingenuity.”

    • Cancelled

      Ornithopters you ignorant heathen!

      • Gdragon

        I don’t think I’ve mentioned it but I was actually a part of Project Ornithopter
        at the UTIAS as a high school co-op student. Fascinatingly fun, even though of course as a teenager I wasn’t exactly a heavy lifter on the project.

    • Bill (Door) Baggins (a Skellington)

      Love that song. The video is awesome too.

    • Sensei

      +1.

    • Rhywun

      Related… here is a long but pretty informative, and disturbing, look at what’s in store for places like Philly and NYC unless the voters wake up.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        Glad I’m old and childless

      • Rhywun

        Oh, if I had kids I probably wouldn’t tolerate NYC unless I was considerably better off than I am now.

    • commodious spittoon

      Why are police being ordered to disburse looters rather than arrest them?

      Police are expending looters?

    • DEG

      He sent the National Guard in yesterday.

      He was even so gracious and magnanimous to waive liquor license fees for 2021.

      Fuck him. Those weren’t peaceful protestors. Why else send in the National Guard? And reopen the fucking state.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        Bullshit.

        -Downtown Beirut

      • DEG

        He sent them in and told them to stand down? Sounds like something Wolf would do.

    • Ayn Random Variation

      I wish him and that other gun grabbing cocksucker Kenney, who was babbling about his white privilege today, would come take a seat on my block tonight without their security force. I’ll sit out there with them.

      • leon

        Which city are you at? Philly or Portland?

      • Ayn Random Variation

        Philly

      • Tejicano

        What would they need their security detail for? This is a peaceful protest.

  5. DEG

    This is good.

    So-called Thark-on-Thark crime has a long history as a racist dog whistle

    I’m reminded of this bit of drivel:

    The policy of America has been, for most of its history, white supremacy. The high rates of violence in black neighborhoods do not exist outside of these facts—they evidence them.

    • Rhywun

      Black People Are Not Ignoring ‘Black on Black’ Crime

      No they aren’t, and they are in fact against – by large majorities – the “defunding” claptrap that the elites from the other side of the tracks are pushing.

      • Tejicano

        Yup. Between the issue of “Black on black violence” and the Defunding argument the latter is clearly more tied to racist intent.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        The “man on the street” back people I come across have no time for the lockdowns, mask mandates and “peaceful protests”, but that is just anecdotal so I have no idea how this election will turn out.

  6. westernsloper

    So can we all agree that this BS that Derp quit drinking is in fact BS?

    • juris imprudent

      If I wrote that I sure as hell would want to blame it on lots of cheap booze.

  7. dbleagle

    OT since my workplace blocks my ability to comment. Huzzah to SugarFree (and gentlemanly monocle tip to SP) for that literary tour de force earlier today. I laughed, I cried, I crawled under my desk and assumed a fetal position. There are too many things to mention as noteworthy. Again, many mahalos.

    (I won’t drop any spoilers, but I did get to the comment area.)

    • Rhywun

      I’ve done a couple run-throughs; saving the rest for later. I wish I had blown a few hours on that while my work servers were down all day instead of the 3+ hour training video I finally got done instead. ?‍♂️

  8. Ayn Random Variation

    “Joanna Gambolputty”

    Excellent, but should have been Karen.

    • westernsloper

      Sounds better than mine. I will be pulling railroad tie parking blocks and grading a parking lot. The taxpayer cost of an incumbent President campaigning has been a politically aware life long bitch of mine. The R’s should be paying for every jet in the sky every day OMB campaigns. You want a two party system? You fucks pay for a two party system.

      • pistoffnick

        Yep. Obama fucked up my Hawaiian vacation when he decided to take his family to the beach for a picnic. Beach was closed to mortals. Glider planes (in fact the whole airstrip) shut down. I at least got a refund for my glider reservation, but that just means the glider company was out a full day of revenue.

        I dread whenever Trump or Pence fly in to Dooloot. It fucks up my day at work. The traffic is horrible both with supporters and protesters. And I, as a tax payer, get to pick up the security tab.

        FUCK YOUR GODDAMNED KINGS! I thought this was America.

      • Sensei

        You’ve not seen anything until the president lands in Manhattan.

        Screws up traffic both auto and foot and easily added an hour to my commute home more than once.

        When Obama was fundraising for his second term he came four times in two months right in time for the evening rush.

        I should probably do whole post on the logistics, but I’m not sure we want that attention here. It involves dry runs, divers, coast guard, police and the secret service. It’s nuts.

      • Cancelled

        During Bush II’s second term I had the dubious pleasure of working with the people hosting a large (800-1000 attendees) Real Estate Convention in Columbus at the same time he was giving a speach in the connected Convention Center. It was honestly not that horrible. The Secret Service was very discrete and professional. No one got body slammed or even frisked. All that happened was some doors got locked and taped and there were a lot of fit people in suits with earwigs walking around.

      • Rhywun

        I never noticed because I doubt the Obamas have ever ridden PATH or the NYC Subway. When I was working in Jersey City and maybe might someday again I didn’t even surface above ground on the way to and from Brooklyn.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        I can attest to that. More than once, while working on Madison and trying to get to the west side, I had trouble just trying to cross 5th Ave on foot.

      • Rhywun

        I’ve never worked in Midtown.

        /counts blessings

      • Rhywun

        OK, I worked on 32nd for a while but that’s not really Midtown.

  9. westernsloper

    Nobody appreciated this when I commented it near dead end of last post so now you get it again. I love it. I am weird. Now I have to eat and go to bed, have a great night all!

    • Chipping Pioneer

      I’ve been in the woods the past few days. What did I miss?

      • Chipping Pioneer

        /threading fail

    • Gustave Lytton

      I appreciate it! Better times.

    • Ayn Random Variation

      I lasted about 20 seconds on that mess lol, now I had to hear it again

  10. Lazer

    new thread huh? well ok

    Would it be considered a threat if I just walked around with that article about the “fine young women” (probably on their way to community college) who stabbed the worker when asked to mask up, and just handed that to anyone who asked me to mask up??

    • Ayn Random Variation

      The media hysteria if that was a white redneck doing the stabbing would be epic.

  11. Gustave Lytton

    Ok, off to SF’s afternoon delight.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I will never be the same.
      I will never be the same.
      I will never be the same.
      I will never be the same.

      *shiver*

      • juris imprudent

        Dreaming of a Willie Brown special tonight?

      • LemonGrenade

        That one, I especially wish I could undo visualizing that one.

      • LemonGrenade

        I’m pretty sure I took all the different paths, and some of the scenes are now *seared*, I say seared, into my brain.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Me too. I wanted to explore the whole dungeon of SF’s creation.

      • LemonGrenade

        I needed it. As disturbing as it was, it helped to shock me out of the worst of my current “I can’t take 2020 any more and I need normal back” depression. Thank you, SugarFree.

    • R C Dean

      Oh, you are in for a treat.

      • Rhywun

        I’ve only scratched the surface. The rest might have to wait for the weekend.

  12. creech

    So, with no water on Mars, there are no places to have “boating accidents” where one’s gun collection goes overboard? And looking forward to a “FLBP Alien Girls of Mars” gallery presented by Q. Hope Dejah Thoris makes the gallery.

    • DEG

      I like the google image search results for Dejah Thoris.

  13. Gdragon

    Is everyone enjoying the “Justin Turner is a murderous monster!” takes being sprayed all over their sports highlights today?

    • Rhywun

      It’s really hard for some people to grasp that their vague definition of “health” is not, in fact, a “human right”.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        #YouAreNotEntitledToSomeoneElsesLabor

      • Chafed

        Hard = impossible

    • LJW

      The Lincoln project is puzzling. Donald Trump says a lot of stupid shit but managed to hold together a decent term. Let’s elect a dimented man who will help raise taxes, pack the supreme court, give Democrats authoritarian power and potentially start a civil war via gun confiscation.

      • straffinrun

        Vote out the dictator!

      • Cancelled

        The neocons are not conservative in any sense that involves small government or individual rights. They are entirely focused on the whole New World Order/’exporting democracy’, which means endless wars, doubling down on the Patriot Act, expanding the welfare/warfare state etc. If Donald Trump actually drives them out of the Republican Party it will be the best thing he could ever do.

      • Chafed

        So very much this.

    • slumbrew

      That’s amazing. I (almost) laughed aloud.

      Good to see the Lincoln Project guys are still super serial.

      • Gustave Lytton

        One upside of a Biden win would be the Lincoln Project discarded as the no longer useful idiots they are.

      • straffinrun

        Trump’s win and the subsequent deep state coup that followed red pilled a lot of people. Imagine how many more will be red pilled with a Biden win. The controlled opposition LP has to be gutted for a real grassroots libertarian movement to spring up and take advantage of the fertile soil that is being laid before us.

  14. LJW

    Election depression is really starting to hit me. If you would have told me 10 years ago that Donald Trump and a few Senate Republicans would be my hope of saving my rights I would have laughed you out of the room. Even if the Republican’s somehow hold on It’s only a matter of time before the derp takes over.

    • Cancelled

      November 9, 1989 was the high point of politial hope in my life. It has been a bumpy slide down ever since.

      • straffinrun

        Anything that can be built can and will be destroyed eventually. People fighting to enslave you only have to win once regardless of how many times they try.

      • Cancelled

        The Berlin Wall coming down seemed at that moment in time to disprove your second sentence. I admit events since have not been as hopeful.

      • straffinrun

        Point is: it’s always a struggle. Getting lulled into complacency because of historically relative security/prosperity is how the slavers win. The solution in my eyes is to create a society with virtually daily mini battles against the slavers instead of waiting for Jefferson’s 20 years to elapse before watering the tree.

    • straffinrun

      Voting was never going to be the act that restored your rights.

  15. straffinrun

    I’ve got to thank government. Without it, I’d never have become an anarchist.

    • PieInTheSky

      in Texas not in PHX according to the article

      • Sir Digby Classic

        HOAs are as Texan as Charles Whitman.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Didn’t mean to imply a connection between those.

        I thought the skeletons were hilarious.

  16. Gustave Lytton

    Alcohol fueled thinking: Biden as VP was sure that was his swan song. Hillary was going to run in 2016 and with the Clinton machine, would be president for the next 8 years. He’d be running at 81 in 2024, well over the hill by then. So given VP was going to be his glass ceiling, he looked at every possible way to secure a nice little retirement egg for himself and his family. Then Trump happened and the possibility of going for the ring himself beckoned. Unfortunately, he’d already started the Biden enrichment project and has been in desperate cleanup mode since.

    • grrizzly

      I remember when calls to cut foreign aid were ridiculed as not serious enough by anyone interested in cutting spending. The amounts are so low, they won’t make any difference compared to the entitlements or defense. I wonder if the proponents of cutting foreign aid made a clear case that it would be an important anti-corruption measure. For me, only Trump and everything about his presidency made it clear.

    • Rhywun

      Then Trump happened

      Yes, I think ↑this↑ took everyone by surprise. It explains the whole clown show since then.

    • limey

      He’s got beaucoup help in the cleanup. Real Clinton-level stuff. Magically disappearing documents from a F*dEx facility? You got it!

  17. Tejicano

    GGrrrrr…. Doing a very small construction project for a small company here. Just throw up a couple 2X4 walls and a couple doors.

    Then their building management company got involved (seems their are pissed that the tenant wasn’t interested in the a$$ rape proposal tendered by the management company’s vendor). So first the Mgt Co. had a few questions. Then they had more questions. Then more questions. Then they wanted a layout drawing. Then they wanted more details on that drawing. Now they want it all in CAD, and a meeting, and…

    Typical disorganized Japanese company that cannot focus and form the questions for the information they want coupled with the lazy office worker’s attitude that the more time they spend (waste) on this one project the busier they seem and less time they have for other work, while getting paid the same salary. I’m so tempted to arrange the meeting for 9:30 PM on Friday t make it as painful for them as possible – since I’m not a 9-to-5 worker an any hour, regardless of the time of day, is the same to me.

    • Chafed

      Do it. Then tell us what happened.

  18. PieInTheSky

    I’ve got nothing/.

    Morning glibbies

    • Ownbestenemy

      Howdy Pie.

  19. Ownbestenemy

    Been watching The Right Stuff. Not bad for Disney. Little embellishments but thats given.

  20. Chafed

    Good work Derpetologist. I especially enjoyed your working in John Carter.

    • Sir Digby Classic

      Great–just what the liberty crowd needs to be associated with–

      John Galt
      @JohnGalt__1957
      mite. Those aren’t being cooked up in the ghetto basements: chemistry is like math, a Caucasian sport.

      John Galt
      @JohnGalt__1957
      ·
      3h
      Point being… non nogs provided the explosives. Which begs the question who is backing this and to what end?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Galt’s a goober: black folks are perfectly capable of rounding up some sticks of dynamite and propane tanks or even cooking up the stuff which doesn’t appear to be the case here. It could also be leftist outsiders funneling it in but he’s making a hell of a lot of assumptions.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        A metric f-ton, to be more precise.

        / 😉

      • limey

        What a racist jagweed.

  21. Yusef drives a Kia

    Bonus dayus, peeps, coffee cups in the air?

    • Gender Traitor

      Bonjour, Yu. Still waiting for the coffee – had a brief power outage yesterday & forgot to reset the coffeemaker’s clock & timer.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I woke up and realized my phone/alarm was in the car, still woke at 5,
        Old people…….

    • Rhywun

      ☕️

  22. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Anthony Cumia’s bugging out of New York and going to SC plus a nice tirade against newly moneyed Italians:

    https://youtu.be/Wonwdv-BwLQ

    • limey

      If you had the resources, you could start prepping for, and investing in some sort of neighbourhood buyout in these places as they become totally bombed out and abandoned, with the view to establishing some sort of urban fiefdom, with it’s own private army of contracted security personel. Of course it could only ever get so far before the NG rolled the tanks in and you got Escobar’d or Gadaffi’d, but up until that point you could establish some sort of urban fortress of libertopia. The immediate problem would of course be trade, with any import and export likely being blocked off to starve you out. I haven’t really thought this through well enough, but, if you had enough killdozers…

      • UnCivilServant

        There’s a reason most isolationist compounds are rural, rather than urban.

      • limey

        Well yeah, but I’m just throwing ideas out, maybe moving towards some concept for a novel where the urban flight is so total that the Herr Wilhelms etc no longer have any power because all their tax cows and slaves have fled or died, and their police forces have abandoned them, and some sort of an-cap coalition buys out vast swathes of cheap real estate to turn an entire city into a fortress. It’s totally unreal but I feel like this is a book that’s already been written somewhere.

      • UnCivilServant

        At that point, you don’t need to buy anything.

    • PieInTheSky

      who dat?

  23. UnCivilServant

    Another workday begins.

    I am not awake enough for this.

    • Gender Traitor

      If you can do what you need to do half asleep, so much the better.

      • UnCivilServant

        Not when it’s reviewing documents almost custom designed for curing insomnia.

      • Festus' Mustache

        I was thinking about it at work last night. If I ever get zombified will i just shamble about with a broom in my hands, sweeping up after the more proactive zombies? I’ve been watching a lot of horror stuff on YouTube lately. ‘Tis the Season!

    • limey

      Good morning UCS, GT, YDAK, SDC, SW, and S(ean). It looks very much like the eXpErTs are going to trump reason once more by lobbying hard for another national lockdown. Heaven forbid that anything but the intense, tunnel vision focus on the virus should influence any policy.

      Disband SAGE, and to hell with the obsequious deference to the Imperial College decrees.

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, limey. What’s SAGE?

      • Festus' Mustache

        Probably something as asinine as BAME.

      • limey

        TOP. MEN*.

        *and women.

        They demand absolute deference and autonomy, to the detriment and marginalization of any other concerns. They are an inch wide and a mile deep in terms of their fields, and have accrued a lot of political power via fellow travelers in the media echoing and amplifying a narrative of “stupid tories” not doing what SAGE tells them to. The mission creep and acquisition of de facto policy-making power is analogous to that of the CDC, although SAGE is just an “advisory group”.

      • Festus' Mustache

        Ah. “Advisory Group” with the whip hand. Gotcha.

    • PieInTheSky

      I am not awake enough for this. – have a shot of vodka from the freezer

      • UnCivilServant

        Can’t. I took the vodka out of the freezer months ago when I needed to use the space for food.

  24. Festus' Mustache

    Mornin’ Day Walkers! I had about an hour or so to read Sugarfree and SP’s magnum opus before work last night. I managed to follow all of the threads rather than solve the puzzle. All that I can say is “Author! Author!” Outstanding! I too want to meet the French Girl, notwithstanding the incurable social disease…

    • Rhywun

      I want to take my pre-work walk but it looks like heavy rain is about five minutes away. Fuck that.

      • Festus' Mustache

        If you took an umbrella you could social signal.

      • Festus' Mustache

        How’s the health Rhy? Still feeling better?

      • Rhywun

        Yeah, doin’ great. Thanks.

      • Festus' Mustache

        Good to hear!

      • PieInTheSky

        since I work from home I take a mid work walk

      • Festus' Mustache

        If my job weren’t so physically demanding I would weigh about 250 pounds. I drink a lot of beer.

      • Tundra

        Get your rain gear and get out there.

      • Rhywun

        Jeff is sending me a rain-slicker in the mail today, actually.

      • UnCivilServant

        I walk after work, so I don’t have to worry about how long I take.

      • Rhywun

        I do that too. The pre-work walk is to limber up for the rest of the day, work out the creaks and aches.

  25. Festus' Mustache

    Curiouser and curiouser – https://youtu.be/Wuul_R-vwhI It’s only a couple of minutes long.

  26. limey

    “What documents? You’re lying. How convenient they went ‘missing’ *smirk*. Republitard lies and conspiracy theories!22222222222222222222222222222222222”

    I don’t suppose Tucker’s people were smart enough to, you know, make a copy and send that, while keeping the originals locked up? I knew this was going to happen. It’s so miserably predictable. Did Bobulinski’s recordings of Biden staffers pleading and threatening over the emails ever surface?

    • UnCivilServant

      They apparently made copies, kept the copies and sent the originals, if I’m reading the news right. Though the “originals” might have been copies.

      • Festus' Mustache

        Tampering with the mail is a HUGE no-no.

  27. Tundra

    Good morning, friends!

    Today’s glimmer of hope.

    As he writes, it’s far from over, but getting this shit out in the open is a start.

    • Don escaped Duopoly

      the city did not merely stand by passively, but assisted the occupiers by letting them use city property such as street barriers which hindered the plaintiffs from enjoying free access to their businesses and homes

      I like it but imagine it ending like this: *gavel!!* I find for plaintiffs and award damages of $3. *gavel!!* then the city sends out $24,000 property tax invoices, same as last year

      • Festus' Mustache

        Like Minneapolis, they’ll charge them exorbitant fees fortearing the structures down and add a rider that states that you can’t reinforce the building from the outside for aesthetic reasons.

    • Festus' Mustache

      Way to bring home the fact that I’ve been a Canucks and Expos fan since boyhood. These glimmers of hope are akin to Steiner’s 9th Army lifting the siege of Berlin. You do God’s work here, Friend.

      • limey

        Did you transfer your allegiance to the SwampNats in ’04?

      • Festus' Mustache

        Fuck that! I cheered for the Jays when I used to give a shit.

    • Festus' Mustache

      It’s a 12 round fight and we’re just about to get our Rocky moment. Right?

    • UnCivilServant

      You give up too easily.

      Quitter.