Mother Wasn’t Wrong

by | Oct 19, 2020 | Fiction | 279 comments

Chris and John hung drywall for a living.   While many jobs around the country were being screwed by government shutdowns to combat COVID-19, the trades seemed to keep chugging along without too much disruption.  It was good being essential.

They had known each other since childhood, and Chris spent most of the daylight hours at John’s house to avoid his dysfunctional mother.  They now worked together and lived in the same apartment complex.  Their ground floor patios faced each other from across the commons area.

Beer was an essential part of the after-work unwind.  Neither of them liked wasting money in bars.  So, they alternated bringing cheap beer to each other’s patio.  Cheap generally being whatever case was on sale at the 7-11 just down the street from their apartments.

Today was John’s turn to grab beer.  He walked across the commons and set the case on the patio table.  Chris ripped the case open, cracked open the can, guzzled it down, crushed the can, and exclaimed “First!”

“Dude.  Do you have to do that every time?”

“Hey man, second place is just first loser.”

“This is why I bring you the shittiest beer that I can find.”

“Whatever man.”

They both pulled a chair up to the edge of the patio and grabbed a beer.  There was no reason to put the beer in the fridge or even in a cooler.   It’d be gone before it got too warm.  And by the end of the case, no one really cared anymore anyhow.

 

A mother has her baby boys and a father doesn’t call

From this saddening parody, someone will have to crawl

Crawl through all the dark memories, everyone and all

‘Cause there’s just one way, that you can stand

Too many ways to fall

 

Life was pretty sweet as far as Chris was concerned.  He and John worked well together and outperformed most of the other crews used by the contractor.  So, they got the best assignments and a certain amount of latitude regarding when they started or stopped each day as long as the work was done.  Money was good enough to pay the rent, buy the beer, and cover a night on the town whenever the urge came.

The apartment wasn’t fancy, but it was good enough.  And the neighbors pretty much ignored each other.  No one gave Chris and John trouble if they got completely shitfaced on the patio as long as they didn’t leave trash lying around.

But nothing good lasts forever.  The old man three doors down passed in his sleep.  The manager of the complex cleaned the apartment and turned it around in less than a week.  That’s when she moved in.

She was a 40-something bleach-bottle-blonde who wore enough costume jewelry to rattle when she walked.  She put planting boxes on her patio and tended them every day.  And she bitched at everyone about everything.   The kids in the common area were too loud.  The lawn service got grass on her patio when they mowed in the morning.  People who grilled on their patios got smoke into her apartment.  She spent inordinate amounts of time on her cell phone complaining to someone about something every day.  And one other thing was certain.  More than anything else, she didn’t like Chris and John, and she didn’t like seeing them drinking out on the patio every night.

 

All we have is here and now, tomorrow may not come true

There’s a million people, who walk this ground

Who might steal your wish from you

A million people maybe not, a human one at all

There’s just one way that we can stand

Too many ways to fall

 

Too many ways to fall

 

It was a Friday night after a long hard week.  Chris and John had put in long hours Monday through Thursday earning that glorious OT.  It was Chris’s turn to buy, and they hadn’t been out on the patio all week.  Some kind of not-too-shitty beer was on sale, and Chris decided to pick up two cases.   They had plenty of catching up to do.

John had ordered pizza and wings for delivery.  He was at the door paying the driver when Chris got to his patio.  Chris plopped into a patio chair and cracked open a beer.  John put the pizza box and wings on the patio table and grabbed a slice.

Karen walked out onto her back patio across the way and yelled, “You boys need to put on masks.”

Chris yelled back “We’re outside, Karen.  The rules don’t require masks outside, Karen.  We’re social distancing, Karen.  Mind your own god damned business, Karen.”

John asked “Is her name really Karen?”

“Hell if I know.” Chris replied.

 

Well they might be on the fire escape, could be down the hall

They could be watching every move you make

Through the pinhole in the wall

They’re sworn to their duty and they stand so proud and tall

They say, “It’s nothing personal, it’s just a job, it’s just a job that’s all”

 

On the drive to work Monday morning, some asshole ran a red light and hit Chris’s car broadside just behind the driver’s door.  Chris’s body took a beating – massive bruising, a few cracked ribs, and several lacerations.  The ER doctor patched him up as well as possible and sent him home with a script for OxyContin.   Chris was instructed to make an appointment with his regular doctor for any follow-up treatments.

His doctor gave him a note for work.  The boss was told to expect Chris would be out for a month or more.  The doctor provided a script for a week’s supply of OxyContin.  If Chris needed more, he would have to go back to the doctor.  Chris was told to take it easy, get some rest, and avoid alcohol while taking the pain-killers.

John stopped by after work a few days later to see how Chris was doing.  He brought a case of beer along and they sat out on the patio drinking.   John asked how Chris was feeling, and Chris said the pills were mostly keeping the pain at bay.   Then Chris popped an OxyContin into his mouth, crushed it between his molars, and washed it down by chugging the remainder of his beer.

John was floored, “Dude, that stuff will kill you if you do it that way.  You need to put the booze down man.”

Chris just stared back and didn’t answer.

John stopped bringing beer with him when visited Chris after work.  Didn’t matter, you can get almost anything, including beer, delivered to your home in the time of Covid. Script refills, however, required a visit to the doctor and then a trip to the pharmacy.  His car was totaled, but Uber got Chris anywhere he needed to be.  Thus, Chris was always well stocked with pills and beer.

John came over most nights, trying to keep Chris safe.  But no matter how much John bugged Chris about the pills and beer, Chris just kept popping pills and drinking cheap beer.  So, John eventually stopped coming over.

 

The mother says, “Now baby boy, you’re gonna have to choose

There’s good and evil, love and greed and they’re all inside of you

And just as sure as gravity, no one escapes this law

‘Cause there’s just one way, that we can stand”

Too many ways, too many ways

 

Too many ways to fall, too many ways to fall

 

After a month and a couple of days from the accident, Chris was cleared to return to work.  But the doctor wouldn’t give him more refills for the OxyContin.  He just spouted nonsense about being unable to keep providing scripts because the government was keeping track of shit and he didn’t want to get in trouble.  So, Chris found a guy that hung out near the job site and bought Oxycodone for cash money.   Which was great because he didn’t have to chew the foul-tasting pills first.  He just swallowed them down.

 

Too many ways to fall, too many ways to fall

 

John told the boss he wouldn’t work any shifts with Chris, so Chris started the week with a new crew.    Three days and three different crews later, it was clear that no one was willing to work with Chris more than once.  So, the boss caught up with Chris at the end of the shit and said he was sorry, but he had to let Chris go.   He then handed Chris an envelope with his final check and a little something extra as a small severance.

Chris picked up a couple of cases of beer on the way home and started right in.   When “Karen” got home, she looked out the back window and saw crumpled beer cans scattered all over the common area.  She marched out the back door and immediately started yelling at Chris.  And this time, Chris started yelling back.  When she inevitably got around to questioning his manhood, Chris hit the breaking point.

“I’m coming for you Karen.  You better lock your front door Karen.  Don’t make it too easy for me Karen.”

Chris walked through his apartment and out to his truck.  He lifted the cover on the bed of the truck, opened his tool box, and grabbed a drywall hammer.  When he got to her front door, he smashed the door knob completely off with one swing with the hammer.   The door offered little resistance when he slammed his shoulder into it.

She stood in the middle of the living room yelling at the 911 operator on her cell phone.  When she saw Chris, she turned her attention away from the phone and started yelling at him.  Chris had a moment of confusion when she didn’t turn and run.  She didn’t seem frightened at all.  She just stood there and kept yelling and yelling, and then she started wagging her finger at him.  That’s when he buried the cutting edge of the hammer in the middle of her forehead.  She dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes.

He bent over to grab the handle of the hammer and gave her a few more good whacks, but this made him feel dizzy.   So, he stood up, stepped over her body, and then entered the kitchen.  The fridge was immaculate and well organized, but there was no beer to be found.  There was, however, a bottle of cheap chardonnay in the door with a kangaroo on the label.   Chris grabbed the wine and twisted the cap off.   It tasted like crap, but free booze is free booze.

Chris walked out the back door of Karen’s apartment and onto the patio.   People from all over the complex were standing on patios and balconies staring at him.  He smiled and waved.  Most of the people turned and scurried into their apartments, but a few sheepishly waved back.  Chris stumbled his way back to his own patio.  He finished the bottle of chardonnay and chucked it out in to the yard.  Then he collapsed into a chair.  He heard sirens in the distance just as the double vision was setting in.

 

So when you wake up in the bushes, passed out on the lawn

And suddenly it dawns on you that mother wasn’t wrong

It all comes back like deja vu, you just can’t help but recall

‘Cause there’s just one way that we can stand

Too many ways, too many ways

 

Too many ways to fall, too many ways to fall

Too many ways to fall, too many ways to fall

 

 

{Too Many Ways to Fall; Arc Angels; 1992}

 

About The Author

kinnath

kinnath

I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: the glibs, and... uh... my booze.

279 Comments

  1. Aloysious

    I have that album. Haven’t listened to it in years. Going to correct that after work.

    Also, good story. Dark. Fits my mood.

    • kinnath

      thanks

    • Urthona

      whoops. this is a new posting.

    • C. Anacreon

      I saw that painting in person a couple years ago in the National Gallery in DC.

      Believe it or not, it looks more ridiculous in person.

  2. westernsloper

    I always thought a drywall hammer would be a good tool to dispense someone with. I don’t own one because fuck hanging drywall.

    • hayeksplosives

      I just got a bid for new drywall and paint on a ceiling that had gotten water damage (roof leak is fixed but indoor ceiling is effed). The ceiling and a cleaning and staining of a cedar pergola comes to $2400.

      That sounds extremely high to me.

      • westernsloper

        Patching and matching an existing room especially ceiling is not an easy task. Cleaning and staining a pergola is super easy. I would have the contractor split the bid and see where he is high balling.

      • Ted S.

        Yeah, I remember when my brother and mom accidentally put a hole though the grandparents’ drywall. I think they just repainted the whole kitchen, but if you knew where to look you could still see the patch job.

      • Tundra

        Pay it.

        Fuck drywall.

      • mikey

        ^Truth.

      • hayeksplosives

        Thanks for the perspectives, y’all. I think I will separate the two bids and see if I can get a cash discount.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        Sounds like a job for Adam Carolla, thb.

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      Rig axe was my preferred tool when I was working as a framer.

  3. DEG

    Dark.

    I was wondering which of them would kill Karen.

    It is a good story.

    • kinnath

      thanks

  4. hayeksplosives

    Guessing karen might have had more than a passing resemblance to Chris’s mom.

    Nagging, whether by govt or neighbors, can definitely grate on the nerves. Manslaughter is not an appropriate response.

  5. Sean

    This is what happens in Trump’s America. ?

    Enjoyable read.

  6. Fourscore

    Great story, Kinnath.

    Started out as bio (of a friend, of course). Ended up as the same friend died in intensive care as he was picking the bugs off. I watched him and knew it could have been me. A lesson I learned late in life but stuck with me for the last many years.

    You’re a good story teller, K. You have a great imagination or have lived a helluva life. Thanks

    • kinnath

      Boring, middle-class life.

    • Sean

      Or he has bodies in the crawl space in shallow graves. Just saying.

      • Bobarian LMD

        He keeps them behind the drywall.

    • kinnath

      thanks

  7. The Bearded Hobbit

    My small-town supermarket has put in the “one way” stickers on the floor which most people, including me, totally ignore. Today I was headed the “wrong way” down an aisle and had to go past some dude. “Excuse me”. He glowered. I waited for him to say something but the moment passed.

    Wife was wearing her “My Governor is an Idiot” mask.

    • Ted S.

      I saw someone at the supermarket today who looked like one of the employees filling online orders wearing a mask that said “This mask is useless”.

      • But Enough About My Wild Culinary Fantasies

        I get lots of compliments for my #ThisMaskDoesNothing Glibs mask.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        I have a #Talismask…mask. If anyone ever noticed it, they never said a thing.

        Stopped using it because the masks used are shit for quality.

    • westernsloper

      Those are coming off the floors around these parts. Nobody ever payed attention to them.

    • Rhywun

      I’m actually seeing more fear and mistrust in the last couple weeks than a month or so ago. More masks. More dirty looks and hurried sidestepping on the street because I’m not wearing one. The other day I was asked to put on a mask in my building’s elevator – I cheerfully complied, because I happened to have one in the pocket of my hoodie and happened to be in a good mood for once. Otherwise…?

      I am not optimistic lately.

      • Ted S.

        Yeah, the Covid Theater ramped up a notch at work today. We have the idiotic facial recognition thermometer, but also have to fill out our temperature on a paper form.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Better than a rectal recognition thermometer.

      • commodious spittoon

        New Yorkers are buying in. Why?

      • Rhywun

        Blame Bill and Andy. We might forget it around here from time to time, but most people just follow the leaders.

  8. Tundra

    Nice job kinnath!

    You are kind of freaking me out, though.

    But since everyone is being morbid, this is the one I would use.

    • westernsloper

      Heh, I have one around here somewhere. Prefer my Stiletto though.

      • Tundra

        Oooh, fancy.

        Stilletos are super light, so you can get a helluva swing, but the sheer mass of a framing hammer just seems appropriate for Karens.

    • kinnath

      thanks

      Guy hangs drywall, doesn’t do framing. He was working with the tools at hand.

  9. Rhywun

    Nicely disturbing. This time I don’t know the song at all so I couldn’t guess it 🙁

    • C. Anacreon

      Great story, kinnath!

      When I saw the title was “Mother Wasn’t Wrong” I was hoping the song would be Merle Haggard’s “Mama Tried”:

      And I turned twenty-one in prison, doin’ life without parole
      No one could steer me right, but Mama tried, Mama tried
      Mama tried to raise me better, but her pleading, I denied
      That leaves only me to blame, ’cause Mama tried…..

      Well, maybe it fits anyway!

      • kinnath

        thanks

        I am not familiar with that song. I will have to check it out.

    • kinnath

      thanks

    • westernsloper

      Dood, I am going to have dinner now. Totally inappropriate.

    • Rhywun

      Oh mercy….

    • R C Dean

      For some reason, the empty chair made me laugh.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Fake news. There is no way that little stack of dimes has ever been ‘whipped out’.

      • Rhywun

        Heh. It needed to be said.

        Not that I think this is real for a second.

      • DEG

        I also think it is a fake picture.

      • R C Dean

        No. It doesn’t line up with the (admittedly anonymous) eyewitness testimony.

        Easy enough, if you have time to waste, matching the names on the call with actual pics and compare to those in that post.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        No one would post something they knew to be false on the Internet.

    • Count Potato

      Yikes!

  10. mikey

    Nice story kinnath. You tell a good yarn.

    • kinnath

      thanks

  11. The Bearded Hobbit

    When we head to Montana the first stop is generally Moab, UT. We have discovered the Moab Grill which is a pleasant oasis. I was checking their website menu this evening and found this gem:

    In Utah the law requires us to serve food with alcohol. Try our garlic & cheese toast for only $1.95

    Gotta love them!

  12. grrizzly

    Ireland orders full national lockdown: Country faces SIX WEEKS of maximum ‘Level 5’ restrictions with pubs and non-essential shops closed until December 1
    Ireland will be plunged into one of Europe’s strictest lockdowns on Wednesday in a bid to suppress Covid-19
    The Irish Government agreed to impose tough Level 5 restrictions on the country for six weeks
    Measures include shutdown of non-essential retail, ban of public gatherings and limitation of movemen

    • DEG

      I heard from one of my friends in Vienna. New restrictions there. No more than six people may gather together in the open, 12 people indoors.

      • DEG

        Backwards. Six indoors, 12 outdoors.

    • EvilSheldon

      I guess the bodies have just been piling up in the streets over Eire way…

      • grrizzly

        The 7-day moving average of COVID deaths in Ireland is 3 (three).

      • mrfamous

        This is absolute madness. I’ve never experienced anything like it. It’s like they don’t know how to save face if they reverse course, so it’s full steam ahead. In for a penny in for a pound, I guess.

        It’s very depressing. I just want to be left alone, and it’s clear that’s just not gonna happen.

      • EvilSheldon

        Three.

        How many deaths do they think they’ll have when a bunch of unemployed micks with hereditary drinking problems can’t get to the pub?

    • Rhywun

      until December 1

      *snort*

      I guess that’s when ‘Level 6’ starts.

    • kinnath

      Lovely

    • DEG

      Nice!

    • Sean

      Nice!

  13. SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

    This story scratches an itch, to say the least. It’s not often that you find yourself having sympathy for the homicidal maniac, but you pulled it off.

    • kinnath

      thanks

    • EvilSheldon

      Um, sure. Not often at all. Practically never…

    • Don escaped Duopoly

      I’m not saying I agree, but I understand

  14. Old Man With Candy

    “That was difficult, though not impossible, to masturbate to.” – Heroic Mulatto

    • kinnath

      thanks

    • Heroic Mulatto

      Snuff is quite easy, actually.

      • DrOtto

        Snuff films are gauche, I prefer snuff plays.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        I didn’t think it could be topped, but, there ya go.

      • Tejicano

        But I suppose the timing is important.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I’m choosing to interpret HM is talking about smokeless tobacco.

  15. Count Potato

    “Which was great because he didn’t have to chew the foul-tasting pills first. He just swallowed them down.”

    Not sure how the illegal pills would be consumed differently…

    Also, Chris has a car then a truck?

    Anyway, thanks for the story.

    • kinnath

      Also, Chris has a car then a truck?

      Ooh. Nice catch.

      The story was written section by section at different times. The ending was written early. I missed that.

    • kinnath

      Not sure how the illegal pills would be consumed differently…

      OxyContin is time-released oxycodone. The time release mechanism can be overcome by chewing the pills. You are warned (or used to be warned) not to do that.

      • Count Potato

        OK…

    • pistoffnick

      I believe the car was totaled, was it not?

  16. DEG

    In the last thread there was talk of threatening letters sent to Trump supporters. Police in NH are looking into the letters

    Milford police said the same letter was mailed to other homes that have signs supporting Trump’s presidential campaign. The department is now investigating and has contacted the state Attorney General’s Office.

    “This is my home,” Kelly said. “You’re not supposed to threaten my home. I’m very worried in the sense that this is going on in my town.”

    Two people in Brookline have also received a letter.

    “I was kind of quite shocked that anyone would send a letter out with that type of threat,” said Brookline police Chief Bill Quigley.

    Quigley said he alerted the U.S. Postal Inspection Service and said whoever is behind the letters could face serious charges.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      In the last thread there was talk of threatening letters sent to Trump supporters. Police in NH are looking into the letters

      Did people automatically dismiss it like they do with every other anonymous “hate crime” letter story?

      • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

        Most did, yes. Heck, I even couched as something I couldn’t authenticate, and I posted it.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        My faith in Glibmanity has been restored.

        Also, she should be run out of town not based on who she supports but due to that fucking eyesore of a front yard.

      • Tulip

        That’s just being an HOA Karen

      • Count Potato

        Why do you hate America?

      • mikey

        Heh, I rember that place. Always a good show. NE rednecks have a lot in common with their Southern counterparts,

    • commodious spittoon

      I’m very worried in the sense

      You lost me with “in the sense”.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        “To attack, in case Trump doesn’t concede”

        Your terms are acceptable, so long as you understand you’ll be one of the first to go.

        Because, you fucks are on notice, too.

  17. grrizzly

    I’ve got the message, kinnath. Don’t do drugs.

    • kinnath

      Don’t overuse them.

      • Bobarian LMD

        More importantly, don’t bitch at your neighbors.

      • hayeksplosives

        “Don’t poke your neighbor with a stick” Might be more appropriate.

        These Karen’s just want to abuse men but are physically incapable of doing so, so they enlist the government to be the enforcer.

        That is the same as poking a bear with a stick. Not trying to help, just trying to exercise power over others. That is dangerously close to assault in itself, and could be expected to result in a self-defense action.

      • Ted S.

        As I used to say over on TOS, the state is the biggest bully of them all.

  18. Drake

    So Roberts finked out again.

    • Urthona

      they should’ve held off the vote until
      any barrett was confirmed.

    • Gustave Lytton

      What was up for vote? I pretended to work today.

    • dbleagle

      What did he do now?

      • Gender Traitor

        I suspect that he’s referring to is this. (I didn’t know until I searched for “supreme court” and found the most recent story.)

      • Rhywun

        Election-night drunk-blogging hardest hit.

        Seriously… if “election day” doesn’t mean anything any more, why bother?

      • Gender Traitor

        Election-night drunk-blogging hardest hit becomes election week drunk blogging.

        (You may have to pace yourself.)

      • Rhywun

        Figuring out how to drink for a week straight would be the least of my problems this year.

  19. DEG

    NH Gubernatorial debate excerpt. The question is, should the government reverse reopening the state due to Lil Rona numbers going up? The Clown Prince actually answered the question, though I don’t like his answer. Feltes never answered the question and instead goes off on Obamacare, health insurance, and Trump.

    • Drake

      What happened with debates where now people just ignore the most basic questions if they don’t like them?

      • hayeksplosives

        Moderators aren’t doing their jobs.

      • Tundra

        And they aren’t really debates.

      • R C Dean

        Staged hit job =/= debate.

  20. cyto

    Speaking of debates….

    I suppose everyone saw that the debate commission admitted that we are moving toward openly admitting that this is a one party state…..

  21. The Bearded Hobbit

    I have been a hard-core skeptic dating back to the 90’s and the days of USENET and alt.folklore.urban. So something about this story sets off my BS alarms. Zion is not that big and there are roads everywhere. She was not injured and apparently had some supply of food and water. My take is that being unemployed she was looking for some 15 minutes of fame on teh newz.

    If I’m wrong then good for her for not dying.

    • pistoffnick

      *thumps chest*

      Another veteran of the usenet wars!

      • Rhywun

        I only caught the tail end of that wave with Deja News and Google Groups.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I was later but not that late. A little before the green card spam.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        When we ran the dial-up ISP in the early oughts I looked into providing newsgroups to our subscribers. If I recall, we would have had to upload the then unheard-of 5GB per day to keep current. The issue was settled when my LDS partner heard of the alt.sex.* groups.

      • Gustave Lytton

        alt.binaries.* was where the volume was, if I recall correctly. I took over usenet admin for a couple months when I work at an ISP in the mid 90’s. Only a couple thousand users and thought it was a lot.

      • cyto

        Ahh. The good old days when a picture would load one raster line at a time.

        That could lead to some very unpleasant surprises.

    • R C Dean

      Them’ s some crazy eyes.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        Yup. Supports my theory.

    • DrOtto

      Her eyes tell me you are correct, and also not to stick it in.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Counterpoint “from Los Angeles”.

    • Sir Digby Classic

      Dafuq is with her eyes??
      That’s oblivion right there, that is.

  22. PieInTheSky

    I dunno this post does not seem like the best early morning motivation to start working. But it aint the worst either.

    Good morning glibbies

  23. Ozymandias

    Nice story, kinnath. Dark, but well done.

    OT: Please tell me this has been covered. Because this seems to be a big effing deal. It’s the first I’ve ever heard that both of Biden’s business partners went to jail – but he didn’t. Reminds me of the Whitewater deal, where a whole bunch of people – except the Clintons – go to jail. But if Hunter’s ex-biz partner gave up his gmail account as a way to get even… whoooo boy. This could get delicious. I love the notion that all of that greasy underbelly of govt officials using their position for graft could get exposed. Ohhhhh, boy, how I love actual investigative journalism.
    https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2020/10/18/exclusive-peter-schweizer-hunter-bidens-flipped-business-partner-provided-26000-emails/

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      Trump is following the exact October surprise model that you’re supposed to. Releases began late last week. It keeps ramping up over the next week or 10 days until it’s so much that TMITE can’t ignore it.

      Whether or not he wins, the game was well played.

      • one true athena

        Which is why Dems have been pushing “VOTE EARLY!!!” so hard probably. They wanted a cushion before all this dropped.

  24. Sir Digby Classic

    Fuck you, Ad Council

    If it weren’t for assholes like you, not everyone would be constantly bombarded with the batshit idea that government is our life.

    • CPRM

      I keep trying to find the anti-bullying PSA they play all the time on the sports talk station I listen to. It has a song that goes something like, ‘People are posting on your friends feed that they need to get a new face, they are super ugly. The things people say online are cruel and not true, don’t worry I’ll stand up for you.’

      • Sir Digby Classic

        Ugh…no wonder you drink.

        /not saying I don’t…

    • SUPREME OVERLORD trshmnstr

      Wow, a lesbian hitting somebody besides her partner. That’s man bites dog stuff there.

    • Caput Lupinum

      Those eyes… that’s the look of someone that hasn’t had an original thought since kindergarten.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        I would imagine that’s when she was kicked out, considering she is a Bernie Bruh.

  25. DenverJ

    Hi, everyone! Been a few. But, uh, the pop up said something about cookies? Are they still warm?

  26. CPRM

    John sounds like an asshole.

      • CPRM

        Applause.gif

      • Sir Digby Classic

        I admit that I put Karen far about John (heh).

      • Sir Digby Classic

        Also–“Applause.gif” would be an excellent production company name.

        OK–pretty good. Whatever; I like it.

    • Gustave Lytton

      He has a long mustache.

    • Ted S.

      I thought he was smarter than that.

    • Sir Digby Classic

      Some people just cannot live outside of government employment.

      SMDH

      • dbleagle

        She seems like a real shitbird. She should have never been in position to be relieved as a battalion commander. Her conduct in 2003 was enough for her chain of command to insist on her resigning her commission.

    • Sir Digby Classic

      Oh, c’mon, GL–there’s only, like, what….350,000,000 people in the US? Of course there’s gonna be very close relations of government grift-er, uh…”servants”, at high levels!

      • Gustave Lytton

        What’s even more disturbing is that none of her big brag cases are truly federal crimes.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I remover when making a federal case out of something was making a big deal. Now it’s just one step above parking violations.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        Say….if you commit a parking violation in a national park, would that be a federal parking ticket?

      • hayeksplosives

        No doubt. Heck, it’s a federal crime to shoot a dadgummed woodpecker off the side of your house. They seem to have plenty of time.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        Get rid of the NPS, stat.

        Just arrange to turn them over to Tribal authorities, with an agreement to allow visitors to at least some areas.

        /yes–the US’s history of breaking treaties. In this instance, the Tribes would be in the position of authority.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Indian tribes should be social clubs, not pseudo governments with any government power.

    • CPRM

      She looks like Droopy.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        You’re NOT saying Comey fucked an ugly bitch…right?

      • CPRM

        I can neither read nor write no music.

      • PieInTheSky

        and the one who did that song can?

  27. CPRM

    ‘Mighty Ducks’ star Brock Pierce angling for presidential debate with Kanye West

    So I checked out this guys campaign page, kind of incongruous policy wise:

    Debt & Fiscal Policy
    We will re-architect America’s economic and fiscal policies to benefit all Americans, rather than borrowing for the benefit of the elite.
    We will balance America’s budget for the benefit of future generations.
    We will implement regulations that open the financial markets to innovation that will provide alternative lending solutions.
    We will work to end deficit spending and begin the process of eliminating the federal debt.

    ——

    Universal Earned Income
    We will establish a Universal Earned Income (UEI) for all Americans.
    Universal Earned Income will be provided in equal amounts to every American as a monthly stipend.
    Universal Earned Income will be funded by restructuring government programs and changing the structure of federal taxation to address the current gross misallocation of resources at the national level.
    Universal Earned Income guarantees that all Americans will have their essential needs met as members of America’s political and economic system.
    UEI will allow Americans to pursue work and careers that inspire them while increasing the value of their work and creating further abundance for all.

    —-

    Then there is this part, which I assume is about abortion, but sounds fucking odd:

    Your Body is Yours
    We will ensure that adults have the sole right to grant or withhold consent to add things to their bodies.
    We will ensure that adults have the sole right to grant or withhold consent to remove things from their body.
    We will work to ensure that both explicit and implicit slavery are made illegal.

    • Sir Digby Classic

      Drugs-babies.

      I’m sure their stance is only for those making the magical trip down the birth canal.

    • Sir Digby Classic

      UEI will allow Americans to pursue work and careers that inspire them while increasing the value of their work and creating further abundance for all.

      I’m sorry, but how dafuq does UEI increase the “value” of work? Are they saying that the $ will have to be spent on materials?

      Brock (::snicker::)….why don’t YOU fucking pay the UEI yourself? Not spend other peoples’ monies–just yours.

      • hayeksplosives

        I was about a minute behind you!

      • hayeksplosives

        All they have to do for a recent reminder of why this doesn’t work is the dilemma faced by recipients of COVID relief who don’t want to go back to work since they can make the same by staying home.

        Sure, that created value.

      • Sir Digby Classic

        Yeah; so many budding artist producing masterpieces*. Why is it always ultra wealthy people pushing this shit, and without giving away their own wealth in this type of scheme?

        /maybe in tissues

        //alright–I apologize for that crass, yet true, statement.

      • Ted S.

        Jeffrey Toobin approves.

    • hayeksplosives

      UEI will allow Americans to pursue work and careers that inspire them while increasing the value of their work and creating further abundance for all.

      Does not compute.

    • PieInTheSky

      I like the fact that, at least, there are clear policy implementation detail, not just random generic feel good nonsense

      • Sir Digby Classic

        Yes–so clear that I know to ignore him immediately.

    • CPRM

      Oh, and saying he ‘starred’ in the Mighty Ducks is more than a bit of stretch:

      His first major role was playing a young Gordon Bombay in The Mighty Ducks (1992). Pierce reprised the role in D2: The Mighty Ducks.

      He played Emilio in flashbacks.

      • CPRM

        Hah!

        Pierce was also backed up by singer and entrepreneur Akon, who manages his presidential campaign as chief strategist.[49]

    • Sir Digby Classic

      That first kid–AKA the “Brochettaward”–knows the score pretty quickly.

      • CPRM

        wood the booby cush girl.

      • TARDis

        “No mess either.”

        *Laff*

  28. TARDis

    Thanks for the early morning read, kinnath. I was going to say that was depressing, but now I realize my life doesn’t suck as much as I thought. For now, at least.

      • TARDis

        Maaaayyyyybeee. Aren’t we all just legends in our own minds?

      • Sir Digby Classic

        I was hoping to be legend in some other minds, IYKWIM….

      • TARDis

        I might be, but not in a good way.

        *shrugs*

      • Gender Traitor

        I can never decide if I’d rather be infamous or notorious.

      • TARDis

        Depends on whether it’s sexually related, no?

        Mornin’, GT!

      • Gender Traitor

        Mornin’, TARDy!

  29. Sean

    New cases!!!

    Argle-bargle!!!11!1!1!

    • TARDis

      TDS afflicted people with firearms is bad news for sure.

    • Tejicano

      Obvious FakeNews. Everybody knows that it’s the Trump supporters who are dranged gun-nuts.

  30. Yusef drives a Kia

    nice read Kinnath, disturbing but good,

  31. Tres Cool

    Having just gotten home from work, that was quite dark. Nice work tho’.

    SMALL CANS! 06.20h beers!

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Java and Bongers! Sup Tres?
      and to all the rest of you troubled souls.

      • TARDis

        ‘sup fellas.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        howdy, getting ready for work, et tu?

      • TARDis

        I’m good. Been working at work for a half-hour (0600).

        Only 6 emails, all junk. So far so good.

      • Gender Traitor

        Glad you’re back to work, Yu.

    • Sean

      Delicious.

    • commodious spittoon

      He ain’t black.

    • leon

      You know their is something nice when a rich person says fuck off over taxes, rather than the ” please tax is more” bullshit you get from billionares who don’t actually pay anything.

    • Rhywun

      “Good riddance.”

      /Bill and Andy when it was rich white people fleeing to the Hamptons or Florida during the ‘Rona peak.

  32. Festus' Mustache

    Nice work, Kinnath! You’ve got the talent that seems so rife on this site. Really enjoyed the tale and the way that you incorporated the lyrics into the story. A real “slice of life”. Great tune, by the way.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      G’day Mate! I’m off to count Steel, stay dry UCS……..

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s supposed to rain all day, and I have a walk scheduled for later, so I’m probably going to get rained on.

      • Gender Traitor

        Hope you have a decent umbrella (which, of course, doubles as a dapper walking stick.)

      • UnCivilServant

        I have a decent umbrella, but it’s not walking stick-sized.

      • Festus' Mustache

        Beach umbrella or Wile E. Coyote parasol? You strike me as the type to have a bumbershoot for any occasion along with the matching gloves.

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s a compact umbrella that is actually usable and portable.

      • Gender Traitor

        Resident Evil Umbrella Corporation

        Srsly? Would that make more sense to me if I’d ever seen the movie?

      • UnCivilServant

        How about the video games?

        Umbrella corporation made the zombie virus, their logo is a red and white umbrella seen from above.

      • Gender Traitor

        Not familiar with the games, either, but now the umbrella makes sense. Thanks.

      • Festus' Mustache

        We used to have to buy a plethora of those things when the girls were younger. Teenagers, bus stop three blocks from home, hair styles and forgetfulness. I already mentioned teen-aged girls. They actually did make off with my golf umbrella one time.

      • Rhywun

        I have an Umbrella umbrella.

        I like it.

        *checks price*

        OK… I don’t like it that much.

      • Sean

        *checks price*

        They were priced normally until the supply dried up. I got mine as a gift, while they were much, much cheaper.

    • Tres Cool

      mornin’

    • Gender Traitor

      Morning, UCS, Yu, & homey.

      • Festus' Mustache

        Mornin, all! We’ve got snow on the ground that is probably not going anywhere until Spring. A little deep freeze later in the week is forecast. Sometimes I hate living here. That pesky bear was back when I pulled into the drive after work. Go to sleep, stupid bruin!

      • Gender Traitor

        Mornin’, Fes. Snow already? Reminds me I really need to update the list of employees in our “One Call Now” system that sends out a message to all staff if we have a weather delay or (wishful thinking) closing.

      • Festus' Mustache

        Yeah it’s not a lot so far but it is sticking. Happens from time to time. In 1984 it was 40 below American on Halloween. Many disgruntled parents and disappointed children.

      • UnCivilServant

        forty below is forty below in either common temperature scale. It’s the point where the two scales cross.

      • Festus' Mustache

        I was making that exact point because it is the only frame of reference between the competing gauges of temperature. I grew up with Farenhiet and had to make the switch to Metric at about ten or so. Both still work for me.

      • Tres Cool

        ‘sup, pimp-juice

  33. Festus' Mustache

    Heard on the CBC last night that the Debate Commission has instituted a Mute Button for Thursday’s Presidential Debate. No way in hell that it will be misused, right?

    • commodious spittoon

      In a surprise twist, it’s mostly used when Biden starts rambling and never when Trump interjects to remind people that he’s obnoxious.

    • Gdragon

      They should just call it The Hunter Button 😉

      • Festus' Mustache

        An army of interns on Adderal keyed up for the “h” sound.

  34. Tulip

    I bet Toobin has exposed himself to co-workers before. I’m waiting for the harassment stories from interns.

    • Festus' Mustache

      That would not surprise me in the least. He’s not a pure-blood like us. The worst that we do on the Zoomers is ramble, pass out and fall down.

  35. CPRM

    I really should be asleep, but I’m not, so I’m going to complain here about vehicles that have different ‘modes’; all that means is you can’t control your car on your own, it’s not a feature a serious driver would want. Hell, I’m still pissed at anti-lock breaks.

    • Festus' Mustache

      Yeah, whenever I dive Wifey’s car I can’t be arsed to switch modes and such. It’s enough of a struggle to get the temp right. I hate all of the babble-d-gook.

  36. Grosspatzer

    Great read, my day is off to a good start. As I am reading this, my neighbor is walking her dog and talks of her return to the office, making sure to let me know that she uses her elbows to push the button which opens the door, and how great it is that the office is mostly empty. Her name is actually Karen; I must say that this story gave me a few ideas…

    • UnCivilServant

      “Lady, you don’t wash your elbows as often as I wash my hands. Thanks for spreading germs to every door button.”

      /make them play by their own rules.

      • CPRM

        I wonder how an ‘elbow job’ would work….

      • Festus' Mustache

        I’d just use my butt.

      • CPRM

        So would she, citizen, you don’t own that!

      • Festus' Mustache

        Well CPRM, when two people love each other not a lot, the receiving partner makes a bicep curl and the giving partner tries to enter between the fore and upper arm. This is termed an “Elbow Job”.

    • Festus' Mustache

      Do you own a framing hammer?

      • Grosspatzer

        Not sure, never had a need for one. Until now.