Human Error Corrected in 2020 Election, Flipping All Remaining Trump States to Biden

by | Nov 18, 2020 | Satire | 159 comments

SACRAMENTO, CA — Election monitors in California discovered a massive error in the 2020 election, which caused several million Biden votes from other states to accidentally be recorded in California’s total votes. “We figured that there might have been some sort of error after we noticed Trump had still won several states,” said DNC election engineer Pat Cromulent, whose pronouns are smurf and snork. “What we discovered was that, due to human error, several million Biden votes in California were actually meant to be recorded in other states like Alabama, Texas, Utah — basically other states where Trump had seemingly won. Once we tracked it down we were able to properly reallocate those votes where they needed to be.”

After this minor and innocent error was corrected, Joe Biden won the 2020 election in a historic landslide, winning every state in the union. California’s vote total remained in Biden’s favor by just a large enough margin to avoid an automatic recount. Democrats hailed his victory as a clear mandate to begin forming the Union of Socialist States of America.

“We think there may have been a similar error in the House and Senate races,” Cromulent noted, while filling out mail-in ballots for the runoff elections in Georgia, “So we’re hard at work making sure we track down where each Democrat vote should be. Then we’re confident the will of the people will be heard.”

 

About The Author

Grumbletarian

Grumbletarian

Air Force brat, Granite stater, temporarily self-exiled in Texas.

159 Comments

  1. Not Adahn

    Why is this labeled satire?

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      Because they admitted an error, which would never happen in the real world.

  2. Derpetologist

    Bravo!

    This piece has my seal and walrus of approval.

    • Ted S.

      Goo goo g’joob.

      • Derpetologist

        fun fact: in a parallel universe, there is a walrus band with a hit song called I am John Lennon.

        Some Beatles song parodies I’ve mulled:

        We All Live Under Bullshit Quarantine

        The Magical Maskery Tour

        Laziest Walrus Colony Ever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6a0Wkq9wZE

        Huh, so that’s what the morning after a Glibs meet up looks like.

      • PudPaisley

        Legit LOL.

      • blackjack

        Every dog has his day.

      • blackjack

        The best was Mad Magazine on George. The album was called ” Lifting Material from the World”

    • Fourscore

      “so that’s what the morning after a Glibs meet up looks like”

      Nuh-huh, what the morning before the Glibs meet up looks like.

      /NoDak Glibs

  3. Sean

    Shouldn’t Smurf and Snork be capitalized.

    • Not Adahn

      Capitalization is eurocentric colonialism.

    • Grumbletarian

      Smurfs for sure, as they were oppressed by a white man. My mistake.

      • hayeksplosives

        Smurf off, slaver!

  4. juris imprudent

    Progressive wing of Democratic Party laments lack of rail system to transport deplorables (i.e. Trump voters) to camps!

  5. rhywun

    Miss Gambolputty was unavailable for comment.

    • Count Potato

      What?

  6. Don escaped Two Corinthians

    anyone play chess ?

      • blackjack

        White won on time. I’ve never played with a timer. I’ll try again with that in mind.

      • blackjack

        Maybe another time. I just back from work and I’m tired.

    • blackjack

      Favorite Chess artist.

    • Derpetologist

      Ages ago. I found a challenging computer opponent on postcard chess dot com years ago. I think they’re defunct now.

      My favorite chess article: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immortal_Game

      ***
      The Immortal Game was a chess game played by Adolf Anderssen and Lionel Kieseritzky on 21 June 1851 in London, during a break of the first international tournament. The bold sacrifices made by Anderssen to secure victory have made it one of the most famous chess games of all time. Anderssen gave up both rooks and a bishop, then his queen, checkmating his opponent with his three remaining minor pieces. In 1996, Bill Hartston called the game an achievement “perhaps unparalleled in chess literature”.[1]
      ***

      I made the chess team in high school. About 100 tried out, and I was one of the top 5. One time, I came in sick after school just to break a 2-2 tie. They literally called for my help.

      I checkmated the number 1 player once by sacrificing my queen. The look on his face was priceless.

      • PudPaisley

        Not sure if it’s related, but Chess by Post is a great phone app to play chess. I played it for years against a couple friends, but haven’t played now in a couple years.

        What I like about the app is you can make a move anytime it’s convenient with no time limits. A game may take a couple weeks, or go quicker if both people have the time. It also ranks you so if you want to play random people it sets you up against others of similar skill.

        I’d like to start playing again if anyone is interested in games that may take a little time.

        I used to play a lot in HS and college. You being on the chess team always reminds me of this skit.

        https://vimeo.com/68875087

  7. blackjack

    Well, if Trump flips the election in court, Biden’s voters will be rolling in their graves!

    *stolen from some random twitter page

      • blackjack

        I don’t care what any establishment repub says, this election, this pandemic, this whole fucking year has pegged my bullshitometer.

      • Viking1865

        Yeah who gives a fuck what some worthless sack of shit Bushie has to say about anything. They’re the very definition of controlled opposition.

    • Not Adahn

      And it’s sugar free!

      • Sean

        But, is it keto?

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Laugh it up, fuzzball.

      • Not Adahn

        Oh, shit — they gave HM edit privileges.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        The Edit Fairy uses she/her pronouns.

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      Is it free of sugar?

    • Florida Man

      Is it a sugarfree MRE?

      • Tulip

        Retches

      • Florida Man

        When you open the package, an elder-god tentacle pulls you in and eats you. They never said what the meal was. Spoiler: it’s you!

      • rhywun

        Good. I’m over this fucking year.

      • Florida Man

        Don’t lose heart. It’ll get better. In 10 years you’ll barely remember 2020.

      • rhywun

        In ten years I’ll barely remember my name, the way things are going.

    • blackjack

      They’re just gonna drop some more in an hour anyway!

      • blackjack

        * have to drop some more

        And I know it was way to obvious, but someone hadda do it.

    • Florida Man

      Thats just kidnapping a dog and jumping out a plane with it, hence the industrial strength muzzle.

    • Derpetologist

      I saw some article which claimed that a very high percent of Chinese college students go on sick call within days of being called in for mandatory military training, which consists mainly of singing patriotic songs.

      Yet the windowlickers at the State Dept are wetting their pants about the lurking dragon:

      https://www.foxnews.com/politics/state-department-warns-incoming-biden-administration-china

      Chinese leaders speak of “Two Big Gaps” (liǎnggè chājù hěn dà, 两个差距很大) and the “Five Incapables [Cannots]” (wǔgè bùhuì, 五个不会).

      Chinese military papers often refer to a country described only as the “Strong Enemy” (强敌). Guess who that is.

      https://nationalinterest.org/blog/reboot/why-chinas-military-sees-america-true-enemy-162908

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      I thought the stereotype was that the Chinese eat cats, Korean’s eat dogs (absolutely not just a stereotype).

      • Brochettaward

        The stereotype I’ve always thought of with the Chinese peasants is that they will eat anything. At any time. Food is food.

        I’d imagine it’s gotten to that point in North Korea.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        South Koreans as well. You will never see a dog larger than a Sheltie kept as a pet.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        +1 Fisheyes and Tripe soup *Barf*

      • rhywun

        It’s not just peasants, but that might be how it started.

    • Brochettaward

      You don’t know rage until you’ve seen 100 angry, starving Chinamen fight over the last scrap of dog meat.

    • Gustave Lytton

      1) I think that’s for operations south of the Yulu River.

      2) They’re going to need complete air superiority and an airlift that would make Operation Vittles look like a one-off. I mean at a minimum you’re talking hourly air drops before the troops get hungry again.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Well, they do have a bunch of cheap knockoffs of western aircraft, but like most things from China, they will probably break the first time they use them.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Hopefully they went with genuine knockoffs, not the knockoffs made at the knockoff factory after hours.

    • blackjack

      I went to school right after the Rodney King thing and borrowed about 5 grand. I walked into the loan office and said, ” Can’t we all just get a loan?” They laughed.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        …then the LAPD burst in and brained you with their nightsticks.

    • kinnath

      Whether or not the fed took over the student loan market before or after Ocare, I do remember: 1) at that time the fed were making money on student loans; 2) the student loan program was folded into Ocare specifically to provide the 10-year, revenue-neutral seal of approval from the congressional budget office.

      In short, profit from student loans was used to hide losses in Obamacare.

      Thus, Obamacare was founded on one major lie that no one talks about. But don’t worry, you can keep your doctor if you like your doctor.

      • Lackadaisical

        Lol, and if I drink while I work that means buying beer makes me money. *eyeroll*

      • kinnath

        The other major lie was making the Individual Mandate non-severable.

        They were daring SCOTUS to overturn the whole law based upon the mandate not being constitutional. The Dems figured SCOTUS would never do it.

        They’ve been right so far.

    • kbolino

      I was in 4-year college from Spring 2009 to Summer 2011. When I started, I got student loans through the old program, and I had to identify a loan provider (which ended up being Sallie Mae, obviously not a truly private entity but not the Feds directly either). Something definitely change midway through my time in college and the Dept. of Education took direct control of my loans. I got a letter to that effect. I still had to pay Sallie Mae, which eventually renamed to Navient, but they were now just the loan servicer not provider.

      Indeed, this bullet from your link matches directly with my experience:

      2010: The FFEL program officially ended, replaced completely by the Direct Loan Program through the Health Care and Reconciliation Act of 2010. All new federal student loans were originated and funded as Direct Loans (other than Perkins Loans). New rules allowed borrowers with Direct Loans and FFEL Loans to merge them into a Direct Consolidation Loan.

      So, while the Direct Loans program was older than Obama, it was under his administration (obviously, with Congressional involvement as well) that the other major loan programs were phased out and the DoEd took direct control over most loans. What this doesn’t seem to say but I distinctly recall happening is that it wasn’t just all new loans, as not long after taking over any new loans, the feds bought out my old loans too.

  8. hayeksplosives

    Do you guys think Biden will move the US Embassy in Israel from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv?

    That would be purely a spite move, but I wouldn’t be too shocked if the Dems do it.

    • Jarflax

      Leave it in Jerusalem, but rename it the US Embassy to Hamas

    • Urthona

      No I don’t. That would showing their cards too much.

    • Brochettaward

      I think this is one of the cases where what’s done is done, and the fact that it didn’t produce the backlash from Arab states that they thought basically means it’s dead in the water. They have no leg to stand on.

  9. rhywun

    I literally cannot avoid Medicare commercials tonight. It’s on every single channel during every break.

    Is there any clearer sign of who’s running things?

    • Gustave Lytton

      Wait til you turn 65. The marketing gets even more targetty.

      • rhywun

        I’m Gen X which means we don’t control shit and all the commercials will have moved on to funeral homes and memorial parks.

      • hayeksplosives

        “Back in my day, they showed music videos on MTV.”

        I’m with ya,‘ man.

        GenX is a smaller contingent than either baby boomers or Millennials.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        There’s no history on the History Channel, no music on MTV, and no learning on TLC, but

        there’s still foxes on FoxNews.

      • kbolino

        Or 32, which apparently is now the Medicare eligibility age, at least according to all the AARP crap that got sent to me after I turned that age.

  10. Lackadaisical

    Getting my hair cut tomorrow before they shut everything the fuck down again here. Fuck this state.

    • rhywun

      Save your blood pressure and don’t watch any of Cuomo’s tuff-gai performance today.

  11. creech

    Any of you New Yorkers aware of voting shenanigans that are holding up congressional results? Overall in the country, the A.P. still hasn’t called nine races (GOP is up seven seats overall in decided races, not counting the Amash seat). I can see why in one case – the GOP candidate leads by only 47 votes in Iowa #2. But two NY districts haven’t yet been called even though A.P. says 100% of vote is in: #11 has GOP candidate ahead by 57.9% to 42.1%; and #22 has GOP candidate ahead by 52.9% to 44.9%. Why aren’t these latter two races being called?

    • rhywun

      Dunno. I heard the Dem just won the wealthy North Shore of Long Island. ?

      • creech

        11 is Staten Island and piece of Brooklyn; 22 is upstate Binghampton, Utica swath. I think both are already held by GOP.

      • rhywun

        Oh, right. I’m in 11. It flipped to the GOP and was called days ago. The incumbent gave his concession speech IIRC.

    • kinnath

      iowa district 2. The democratic candidate requested a recount in all 37 (I think) counties in the district. It will be a while.

    • wdalasio

      I used to live in NY11. It’s essentially the only Republican-leaning/swing districts in the city. The campaign was bitter as hell (the candidates calling each other a fraud in television ads, claims that the Dem wanted to defund the police and the Rep was taking money from drug dealers, etc.). It was pretty clear the day after the election that Malliotakis (the Rep) had won. Rose (the Dem) had a reputation as a moderate, but this is the one district in the city wearing a MAGA hat walking down the street isn’t going to get you harassed. Think upper blue collar suburban voters.

      The state and city Dems are wading through the numbers desperate to find some win for the Democrat in that district.

      • rhywun

        I’m in the Brooklyn portion – roughly 1/3 of the population of the district – where the Dem would probably always win if we weren’t attached to Staten Island but it would be close. There are huge old-money mansions and towering blocks of old-timey Italians steps away from neighborhoods teeming with immigrants and Manhattan refugees.

      • wdalasio

        A Bay Ridge Guy! It’s been a while since I’ve been out there. But, even Bay Ridge is pretty Republican. At least compared to the rest of NYC outside S.I. Last I remember Marty Golden was still a pretty big power out there. I’d imagine, though, the Manhattan refugees may have tipped the scales.

  12. straffinrun

    We need to democracy harder.

    • Brochettaward

      This round of democracy was like Bender asking the audience if they had tried turning off the TV, sitting down with their children, and hitting them. Over and over until they agree to be ruled.

      • hayeksplosives

        Over and over until they agree to be ruled

        It is a wonder, in a dreadful way, that so very many people are ignorant of history and thus are quite amenable to being ruled by self-declared Experts.

      • kbolino

        History doesn’t apply to us, except the part about Nazis, which even then only applies to bad people.

  13. pistoffnick

    Dear Governor Tim Walz (of Minnesoda),

    Thank you for firing my daughter from her newest job with your latest shutdown of bars, restaurants, and gyms.

    She just signed a lease on an apartment. I thought maybe she had flown the nest. But no, because you are a spineless shit-stain and a wanna-be dictator, she is stuck at home for the near future. I am stuck with her dog, which I detest and her cat, which I love.

    I am a principled non-voter, but you may have pushed me over the edge. I will vote against you in the next election. I hope you die in a horrible fashion. If you were drowning, I would not lend a hand. If you had your legs and arms chopped off and were thrown into a den of hungry lions, I would not even try to save you. If pigs were to eat you, I would make bacon.

    • SandMan

      OK, the last line is a classic!

    • hayeksplosives

      Inside that daft teddy bear skin suit Walz wears beats the heart of a cruel fascist.

      Where have you gone, Jesse Ventura??

      • rhywun

        At least with Cuomo what you see is exactly what you get.

    • Sean

      Sorry for your daughter dude. Good rant though.

    • limey

      Preeeeeeeeeeeet!

    • Gustave Lytton

      I’m not getting an ASMR vibe at all. More like terrorist snuff videos.

      • straffinrun

        That’s a pretty catchy song.

      • slumbrew

        Indeed, catchy AF, as the kids say. Fun to play and watch people slowly absorb the lyrics…

  14. hayeksplosives

    My husbands phone rang at 11pm, after I had gone to bed early.

    It was his longtime best friend, newly diagnosed cancer of the throat and mouth, spread to lymph nodes.

    So my husband is going to Imperial Beach to hang out with him as he gets his chemo and rests up.

    Fuck cancer.

    (My minor quibble is that my spousal unit tends to brood and take the half empty view of life. So he’s wallowing a bit and lamenting “That’s the purpose of moving to California: so that we can come die.”

    As if none of the bad things that have happened since we moved here in 3018 would ever have occurred if we’d stayed in Minnesota.

    At least the old friend happened to move from Minnesota to San Diego a few years before we did..)

    Agsin, fuck cancer.

    • Sean

      +1 fuck cancer

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Sorry to hear about both, lass (she said lamely). So much for sunshine as antidepressant.

      (And re Jesse Ventura: running on the Green (!) Party ticket this year, apparently.)

      • hayeksplosives

        Thanks . Let’s hops.

        And I didn’t know that about Ventura! Illl have to look that up. I thought he was busy wearing tin foil hats in Mexico.

      • rhywun

        ISTR seeing him on the Alaska (?!) ballot.

    • limey

      Fuck cancer. Perhaps your hubster will find some new perspective from this and be a little more #carpediem

      • hayeksplosives

        That would be a nice silver lining.

    • Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

      Sorry to here that, HE. My cohort is nudging toward that age so I imagine those sort of calls will become pretty routine in the next ten years or so. If you can, cut Hubby some slack because grief and fear do weird things to people. My unsolicited advice.

    • robc

      I going to ruin a serious subthread and welcome John Titor to glibs. What is the 31st century really like in CA?

    • limey

      I saw that on GP and then realised they were pushing viral PR for this clown and immediately stopped paying attention.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Sorry, Baltic Avenue has been burned down by outside communist agitators and Boardwalk and Park Place are boarded up because their residents are in the Hamptons until all this garbage blows over. Now go directly to jail.

      • hayeksplosives

        And relinquish your pewter gamepiece as you go to jail so that you can be melters down and cancelled.

      • Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

        “But I’m a thimble! Wait until Comrade Stalin hears of this!”

      • rhywun

        Luxury Taxes for everyone!

    • limey

      They signed affidavits saying they were coerced. Threats were made against them, but let’s not report that bit, let’s just say that they are lackeys for BAD ORANGE MAN.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I believe them on the threats. Hell, they were threatened live on a call I’ve seen and it’s probably safe to say that the threats that weren’t recorded were worse.

      • limey

        Yeah it was disgusting. It all gets flat out denied, memory holed, or rationalised away with distorted context or whataboutery in the MSM/Narrative.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        That’s become par for the course unfortunately. The nonwoke just need to realize that’s the space they’re operating in and act accordingly while never giving in.

  15. limey

    Barry is everywhere. It’s wall to wall obamasplaining about how the American system of government is bad because it doesn’t allow wise people like himself to act quickly enough or something. Stupid obstructionist rethuglicans!!!111

    I don’t recall Obama having this much airtime when he was president for crying out loud.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      That part of his Administratio alway made him sound like a Scooby Doo villan, “I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you Rethuglicans!”

      Yea,h you didn’t see him this much during his time in office. He had the press running cover for him and if he were to spend too much time out and about he would’ve been as the empty suit hack that he was.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        *been identified

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      ^Klaus Schwab

      • Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

        Instead of a white Persian cat held in his lap he keeps a colony of Naked Mole rats secreted about his person.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      I haven’t paid too much attention to the whole ‘Great Reset’ thing. It is something that souds, superfically, like it is in tin foil territory at the moment. I have always said that there is a nugget of truth behind Alex Jones’ lunacy. So maybe there is more to it than I intailly thought.

      • Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

        It’s New World Order justified by a plague. Our own PM is all for it. Whether it is some nefarious plot by the Biderberger types or just some social activist wet-dream remains to be seen. Personally, I don’t believe it is fueled by despotism, merely vapidity of thought. I won’t paint all of the idgits with the same brush that they use to color anyone challenging the election as QAnon.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        The Pentavirate: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TPMS6tGOACo

        I would never have guessed owl worship was a real thing, so maybe Stuart Mackenzie isn’t so daft.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      It seems that his plan relies on a great deal of technology that doesn’t exist or is barely in the concept phase.

    • Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

      Sadly, Pointing and Laughing became a Class Three Felony on January 22, 2021 under the E.O. of President Harris.

      • Sean

        Calm yer tits.

        ?

        Trump 2020.

      • Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

        All hope is not yet dashed but everything is aligned against the very idea of resistance. I drank too many liberal tears on the last go round and now I must pay the piper. Such is life.

  16. rhywun

    Today in stoopid.

    • Sean

      Do not dumb here.
      Not dumb area here.

      • Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

        lol!

    • limey

      Seven years isn’t enough. Dropkick that creepy smolleé fraudster into an active volcano?

      What an awful person.

      • Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

        Nope. Give him the option of either FYITA Prison or volunteering his time at a hospice house. Might teach that little cunte some humility.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        I was thinking having him wear a sandwich board w/ “I am an idiot that incompetently tried to scam goodhearted people.”

  17. Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

    Waitin’ on the Mornin’ Links, Watchin’ the time pass away… h/t Otis

    • Sean
      • Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

        Was on heavy rotation at Chez Festus about ten years ago. Nice pull!

  18. l0b0t

    Hey Neph, and anyone else who likes the skinhead oompa music that is ska, this film about the 3rd wave of ska in the 1990s just popped up and you might enjoy it (link expires at the end of the month).

    • limey

      I only like the messcan oompah which I blast from my candy flip painted Nissan hardbody which I cruise up and down the street several times occasionally blasting the cucuracha horn at fine mamacitas.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      They can take everything from us but they will never take our groundhog!!!!

      *puts on woad face paint and picks up claymore*

      • Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

        *puts on gum-boots and leaves for the sheep pen*

    • Festus' Mustache Needs To Calm His Tits

      So they have just conceded the fact that we are to be locked down for the next three or four months. Why don’t they just tip their hand already? We know it’s going to be a Straight Flush against four Aces.

    • robc

      10-15 years for Bill Murray to learn his skills in the movie.