KKK, Antifa Merge to Form Klantifa

by | Nov 23, 2020 | Satire | 259 comments

PORTLAND – “We’ve decided to join forces to achieve our common goals”, said Imperial Cyclops Leroy Jenkins. “Our message is clear: white men, white women: the swastika and/or the anarchist A is calling you. At long last, you have a movement where your voice will be heard.” His Antifa counterpart, Joanna Gambolputty of the Portland Genderqueer Nazi Punchers Collective added “this movement will bridge the divide between frustrated, working-class, busybody whites and frustrated, middle-class, busybody whites. Harmony will reign with the ruthless suppression of all dissent.”

Jenkins elaborated that their shared interests include keeping blacks poor and powerless, a ruling class dominated by white Anglo-Saxon Protestant men, the use of mob violence to help Democrats win, and a relentless propaganda campaign aimed at recruiting the young and alienated. Reactions to the merger were mixed, with the ACLU, the SPLC, and the NAACP both praising and condemning different halves the group.

One of the newest Klantifa members is Oswald Bates, an aspiring painter who works part time as a bartender. “I was rejected by my father and then from art school. So began my struggle. But I feel a great sense of hope for this lost nation; that it will emerge from darkness and free itself from the shackles of international capitalism. Soon, we will march in the streets with our flag held high. Our lost comrades will be with us in spirit. We will have our space to live even if we must spill blood on the ground. Onward to Victory!” When asked if Klantifa would be merging with the Illinois Nazis, Jenkins said “No. We hate those guys. Splitters!”

Meanwhile, prominent Democrats voiced both criticism and support for the new movement. “Some of them, I assume are good people, very fine people even”, said Joe Biden. “But the rest are a bunch of lying, dog-faced pony soldiers! I’d bet a silver dollar against a wooden nickel none of those chumps and clowns could do even a single push-up. Folks, when I was a kid, I remember seeing FDR on the TV, walking tall and telling everybody things would be alright. And you know what? Even though the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, we still beat Ho Chi Minh and his dreaded King Kong 20-0 in that hockey game. I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love. Don’t stop believing!”

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

259 Comments

    • Sean

      #metoo

      Shadowsong was where I mostly played.

  1. juris imprudent

    “I was rejected by my father and then from art school”

    Brilliant. Where is Bro anyway?

  2. DEG

    Hmm… Did Oswald Bates ever use the name Schicklgruber?

  3. westernsloper

    I hate Illinois nazis.

      • Chafed

        That’s certainly what I was thinking.

    • westernsloper

      I am ashamed I don’t own that movie. #selfreflection

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        It’s back in theaters soon.

    • Chafed

      DeSantis 2024

    • Hyperion

      This is the sole reason I’m thinking of moving to FL, that and the low cost of living.

  4. juris imprudent

    And this too is likely to be dismissed as RINO derp.

    With today’s decision by Judge Matthew Brann, a longtime conservative Republican whom I know to be a fair and unbiased jurist, to dismiss the Trump campaign’s lawsuit, President Trump has exhausted all plausible legal options to challenge the result of the presidential race in Pennsylvania.

    • Sean

      Fuck Toomey.

      • juris imprudent

        You must miss Specter something fierce. [smooches]

      • Sean

        If you really wanna push my buttons, the secret word is “Rendell”. ?

      • Sean

      • Threedoor

        What was that? Just got a bunch of commie disclaimers I couldn’t get past.

      • juris imprudent

        If I was evil, I’d unload the Santorum on you.

        But when he was in the Senate, my state was sending Feinstein and Boxer, so what the fuck can I really say.

      • Sean

        Ewwwwww.

      • juris imprudent

        JFC, I actually had to look up the last Republican (of any kind) Senator from California – which was during my absence from the state. John F. Seymour (appointed in ’91 by Pete Wilson when he was elected governor and vacated his Senate seat) and immediately lost the special election to DiFi in ’92.

        Fuck California and the spineless shitstain Republicans there.

      • rhywun

        Al D’Amato waves “hi!” from a couple decades ago too.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Whoops, and by “was” I mean “is”. Surprisingly enough he’s still alive.

      • juris imprudent

        There is a Lou Reed joke there, crying to get out.

      • Gustave Lytton

        ? “Just like Ronnie sang
        ‘Be my little murderer'”…

      • Homple

        I was on an assignment in Harrisburg at the time of Specter’s last election and stayed in an apartment building close to his campaign office. I walked past it every day to and from work. It was obvious that absolutely nothing was going on in that office. If anyone was in it at all, it was usually one person wiling away the lonely hours. On the afternoon of the election, a couple of sour looking people were hauling away a van full of never-sent campaign literature. It was as if Specter wasn’t even trying in the capital city of his home state.

        It struck me as odd.

    • Rebel Scum

      has exhausted all plausible legal options

      Except for the appeal.

      • blackjack

        The whole game is to get to the SC. That only happens when you lose in the state. Same thing happened in 2k. People want to see the resolution they desire and will point to any slight tweak in that direction as absolute evidence it happened. “SEE! It’s over!” Nope, not yet.

    • westernsloper

      I just want to be sure Juris and Don Escaped Something know as you OWN the OMB supporters here you do realize you are cheering for Joe Biden right? Joe Fucking Corrupt for forty fucking years make my family rich through government Biden? You get that right? I get the Trump hate I really do. But I do not get taking any joy realized by the asshat being replaced by what he is being replaced with. Trump will most likely lose any legal action to this BS election because it is most likely impossible to prove it was BS but I am of the mind this country is what is really going to get fucked. I saw a news feed notice today we get John Kerry as the “Environmental Czar”. Ya, good thing Trump lost. He was an asshole who sends out idiotic tweets and eats well done steaks with ketchup and it is a really fucking good thing the Presidents decisions or who he appoints never influence the economy because John Kerry making decisions about environmental policy will never ever influence the economy ever.

      Still love ya guys, but holy fuck man, what is coming at us in the next few years is nothing to be celebrated. If all the poking and ribbing is all done in fuckhattery and friendly jest power to ya, but if you really think it is a good thing Biden will be President? My doods, I hope you are right because I am not thinking so.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        Still love ya guys

        It’s great that Trump is totally principled and not corrupt or a despot-sucker at all

      • blackjack

        Strange take. He’s saying that Biden is the alternative, not that Trump is above reproach. Personally, I’ve never had a president lift a finger to increase my liberty, so I’m fairly impressed by the guy. Also, I am not sure that a less abrasive person would be as effective at showing the media to be the mendacious cuntes that they are. “Totally principled, not corrupt or a despot sucker” Not something I would assert, although, given the massive investigations and the level of desperation driving them, I doubt he’s all that corrupt. They would have found something other than fantastical fabrications, otherwise.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        No more so than the previous administrations. I think what most object too if that Trump doesn’t pretend that he’s making allies with nice people like Obama did. Trump openly acknowledges that they’re assholes but we need them for the moment.

        Greenwald has a good article on that topic this week.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Whats really concerning is how many people did vote for Biden and that agenda.

      • Suthenboy

        ^This^

      • Homple

        These are the Republicans propelling the party toward the same drain the GOP sent the Whigs.

  5. one true athena

    For anyone in Los Angeles County that wishes to express their opposition to the proposed order to shut outdoor dining, you can file your opposition to the measure here — public comment form and oppose agenda S-1.

    This must be received before 930 am tomorrow, 11/24, when the Board of Supervisors goes into session to vote on it. Supposedly at least one supervisor is already in opposition and some of the restaurants are trying to get out the word that it’s not a done deal yet.

    • rhywun

      It’s cute that you get to share your input on stuff, as opposed to letting wise elders like Andrew Cuomo dictate everything.

      • db

        Yes, it’s great that you can be added to the list of people who are in opposition to the side of good and holiness.

    • blackjack

      So fucked up. After stealing a whole year’s worth of earnings, the coup de gras is stealing Thanksgiving. Fucking hate these assholes. There’s not any little bit of evidence that any of this helps, is the worse part. They’re just playing with people’s livelihoods and indirectly, their lives. Utterly detestable.

      Here’s my comment:

      You are only harming people with these edicts. There is no evidence to support your positions. We have been in various stages of lockdown since March. This uptick happened anyway. All of that sacrifice, which was made by us, not you, was for naught. Now you come back and ask us for more! With no real evidence it will help. Shame on the lot of you!

      It will disappear into abyss, I’m sure.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Just don’t comply, it works for me/us

      • blackjack

        The people with business licenses have no choice.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        yes they do, ask the people in Buffalo, NY
        Bring me a warrant,

      • blackjack

        C’mon! In Cali, they just quietly go away and rescind your license. Then, they fine you 5 grand a day until you comply and pay the original fine. I’ve owned two businesses here. They do what ever they want. Even if you could have a scene like that video, that would only be a minor and very temporary victory. They ain’t writing me any tickets, but they sure as hell are going to fuck over any business that doesn’t comply. Trust me, they did it to me, and there wasn’t even a plausible “pandemic” to justify it. They are evil in ways that most people can’t even imagine

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        “coup de gras“

        Christmas and New Years has a sad. I suggest a Xanax prescription if this keeps up.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        (psst: coup de grâce. Though “stroke of fat” could probably be shoehorned in somehow.)

      • blackjack

        My bad. I’ve never typed it before, only spoken it. I really don’t like the metric system either, too many meters, whatever they are. “Stroke of fat” sounds like something Tres might be interested in.

      • juris imprudent

        In California – no foie gras for YOU!

    • DEG

      2 AM at WaWa. Why are they shitting up WaWa? WaWa is a wonderful place.

    • slumbrew

      The commentary is A++.

    • TARDis

      A PC?

      My Valve Index has been ordered.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        “a PC?”
        Exactly this……

      • Sean

        I was perfectly happy with my retropie setup.

        Zombies ate my neighbors was one of the best games ever. Fight me.

    • Rebel Scum

      I was about to suggest something then I realized that I am still using a PS3 that I haven’t even played a game on in years. I use it for streaming services.

      • db

        I have an Xbox 360 that my cat pissed all over 3 years ago and I haven’t turned it on since about a year later when it started smelling like hot cat piss.

      • Threedoor

        I pack a 360 in my work truck. I haven’t finished a game for years and have dozens I’ve not played. No way am o getting a newer system unless it’s given to me

    • Hyperion

      I’m wondering if I should get a PS5 since I just bought a 4K TV that’s 120hz and supports HDMI 2.1. I’m a PC gamer, but thinking the Sonly playstation exclusives might be worth it to play on the huge 4K screen.

  6. juris imprudent

    They would have had to call him Darth Fader, wouldn’t they?

  7. creech

    You made Joe Biden more coherent than he is in reality.

    • Chafed

      That was excellent.

  8. The Hyperbole

    Semi-spartan Dad, if you missed it in the last thread I figured out where Crowder got confused in that video you linked, long story short(ish) the City of Detroit had Absentee Vote Counting Boards that counted more than 1 precinct, since they already showed the register voters in the precinct by precinct log they couldn’t show them for the multiple precinct counting board with out fucking up the spreadsheet totals (also explains why the % is N/A.)

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      Thanks for taking a look at that. I appreciate your skepticism and taking a different look at the data. We don’t always agree but it helps prevent confirmation bias and an echo chamber.

      It seems very strange to combine multiple precincts in unidentified ways for the absentee vote but to provide clear and distinct individual precincts breakdowns for the in-person votes. And even stranger that this only happened for reporting from Detroit and not other precincts in Wayne County.

      I found the show notes that provide more summary points. If I’m following correctly, 149K of these 179k untraceable votes were dumped at 4:30AM ET on election night after counting was paused and went 97%for Biden. According to the show notes:
      Michigan Board of Canvassers refused to certify Wayne County after “absentee ballot poll books at 70% of Detroit’s 134 absentee counting boards were found to be out of balance without explanation.
      https://www.louderwithcrowder.com/show-notes-new-michigan-voter-data-i-stumbled-across

  9. DenverJ

    We truly do inhabit the stoopidest of all possible timelines, except the one where The Hulk Hogan became president. That one is really weird.

    • db

      Hulk Hogan is out, but does Ric Flair still have a chance?

      • Count Potato

        WOOOOOOOOOOO!

      • DenverJ

        In what possible universe can Ric Flair be elected president?

      • db

        It has to be better than this one.

      • db

        Also, how many people asked the same question in mid-2016?

      • rhywun

        The best possible universe?

  10. Count Potato

    Speaking of derp….

    “Elections push people to look at their political ideals in an overly simplistic way. Within the Democratic Party, anti-capitalists and abolitionists were told to support Biden even if they didn’t agree with his record, platform, or personal history. The president-elect was framed as the lesser of two evils. But there is a fundamental difference in the way that capitalists and anti-capitalists see the world and what our political goals involve. I don’t want to see a “kinder” capitalism that still forces people to work while they’re sick and take on multiple jobs just to get by. I want to live in a society that ensures people’s basic needs — like housing, food, health care, and a clean environment — by creating programs like universal health care and de-privatization of housing.

    While it might seem that the country is uniquely divided right now, the U.S. is rooted in contradiction and divisiveness. It was founded through the genocide of Indigenous peoples and flourished through the enslavement of Africans. At its core, America’s values are white supremacy and capitalism. That is true no matter who has been in office.”

    https://www.teenvogue.com/story/biden-political-unity-myth

    • Urthona

      Man. I am leaning towards starting to seriously think about canceling my subscription to Teen Vogue.

      • blackjack

        So, you don’t wanna learn that one weird trick?

      • Urthona

        I have to admit being somewhat nonplussed after filling out that entire quiz and finding out my crush is just not that into me.

        That was the first straw.

      • Hyperion

        Meh, you can learn about that one weird trick anywhere on the intertoobz. Just be sure to turn up your speaker volume.

    • kbolino

      What, pray tell, does an “abolitionist” believe in this day and age?

      • Urthona

        I think she misspelled abortionist.

      • Urthona

        oh i just got it. She wants to abolish capitalism. duh.

        genius.

    • straffinrun

      They’ll bitch and whine about Biden until the next election and then support team blue again. STFU.

      • Urthona

        Yeah. Guess what lady? Your student loans for that shitty gender studies degree aren’t really getting paid off.

        ha. prepare to be disappointed

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      “Biden’s Call for ‘Unity’ Doesn’t Square With United States History”, damn fucking strait. We are (or should be) a nation or recalcitrant malcontents pulling the lesser class that are politicians towards something that resembles the advancement of (true) liberalism.

    • Semi-Spartan Dad

      de-privatization of housing

      So like camps?

      • Count Potato

        You seem to have reservations.

      • one true athena

        Yeah, none of those kids have spent a single minute in public housing, have they?

      • db

        For generations, escaping those places has been a driver in lives around the world. Now, we have people wishing to be swept back under the tide? Why not just rent a council flat in a firestorm deathtrap of a building?

    • rhywun

      the U.S. is rooted in contradiction and divisiveness

      So we should probably throw out that Constitution thingie that outlines the equalities that we’ve largely achieved over the centuries and replace it with something that enshrines the inequalities that assholes like you want to impose.

    • leon

      I want to live in a society that ensures people’s basic needs — like housing, food, health care, and a clean environment

      I want to live in this society, but you know, not actually do anything to promote those thigns. That’s for rich capitalists to pay for.

      After we kill them.

      • slumbrew

        Duh, the government will just print more money. I can’t even. *rolls eyes, checks phone*

    • Urthona

      There’s no way someone waited 14 hours for any fucking fast food burger. Even if it were amazing.

      I declare fake gnus.

    • DrOtto

      There’s a Fatburger in Aurora. I was there in July, no line. Way better than In and Out.

      • db

        No helicopter lookin’ for the murder
        2 in the mornin’ got the Fatburger

      • Urthona

        I dunno it I qualify Fatburger as fast food. maybe one small step up.

      • rhywun

        “Fast causal”.

        Tons of joints like that in NYC. Well, were.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Five Guys FTW. There is still not a chance in hell I will wait more than an hour for a burger.

      • pistoffnick

        Something, something, Five Guys in your mouth all at once, something, something, dribbling down your chin.

      • Chipping Pioneer

        Five Guys is aight, but they underseason their meat.

      • pistoffnick

        I got a spicy hunk a meat rightcheer, fer yah!

      • rhywun

        And overcook it. But they specifically tell you it’s well-done so I can’t fault them for that. Still decent.

      • Chipping Pioneer

        Meh. That’s standard here. I remember going somewhere in upstate NY with my parents as a kid. My Dad ordered a burger and the waitress asked him how he wanted it done. He looked at her like she had 2 heads before he said “Well done, please”.

      • rhywun

        It was weird the first time I heard it. “For a hamburger? GTFO.”

      • pistoffnick

        I’ve worked in too many restaurant kitchens, I know what goes on back there. I always order a burger well done (or medium-well if I’m feeling daring) at a restaurant.

        At home, I’ll make them medium.

    • creech

      So many moroons. Now we know why Colorado turned blue.

    • grrizzly

      In-n-out is great. I cannot think of any chain much better than it. And, of course, their protein-style (no bun) burger is awesome. Obviously, no burger is worth waiting even half an hour.

    • LJW

      Did he find the one he wanted?

      • LJW

        Ah nevermind, article wasn’t loading completely.

    • blackjack

      INORITE? I hate mystery meat.

      • straffinrun

        You have no idea how many Cracker Jack boxes I had to open to find a tramp stamp.

      • Gustave Lytton

        There’s a joke somewhere in there about sailor suits.

      • straffinrun

        Saw that. Wonder if Japan hunts down fugitives across the world like the Mossad or the Norks.

      • Gustave Lytton

        That sounds like the basis for a manga series

        Special Recovery Unit Wasuremono

  11. Rebel Scum

    Over $100 later a last minute Walmart list, mostly consisting of booze, is finished. Hello Thanksgiving.

    I am debating whether or not to take off on Wednesday (we get Thurs/Fri holiday). I guess it will depend on how motivated I am feeling, considering that I am ahead on several work projects.

    • db

      You can bet that if Wal-Mart was allowed to sell booze in PA, Wolf would have had his ass spanked within minutes of suggesting a total ban on liquor sales on Wednesday.

      • Rebel Scum

        I meant beer/wine, so…

        But point understood. I understand that PA alcohol regs are more draconian than VA in some ways.

    • straffinrun

      Don’t read the comments.

    • db

      That seems like bait for a trap. Who it’s trying to trap, I’m not sure.

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      so I guess we can guess what the breakup was about

      • Jarflax

        Racism

      • straffinrun

        No kidding. It could be a funny joke told right, but after seeing the comments…just stop it.

  12. Lachowsky

    Remember when the U.S. fed gov gave weapons and money to the moderate rebels in syria, and then those moderate al queda guys turned into isis and took over eastern syria and western Iraq?

    That’s what the dems are doing right now with their BLM/Antifa foot soldiers. The neoliberals that constitute the democratic party think that they have control of their radicals. I think they don’t.

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      +1 DDE34

      Raul snickers

    • straffinrun

      Establishment leeches VS foaming at the mouth ideologues.

      It’s popcorn time. Lemme guess, the establishment wins?

    • Akira

      Remember when the U.S. fed gov gave weapons and money to the moderate rebels in syria, and then those moderate al queda guys turned into isis and took over eastern syria and western Iraq?

      Someone seriously told me that the way this went was “Obama ended the Iraq War, but then he had to send some troops back because of the rise of ISIS”.

  13. Yusef drives a Kia

    of course, I get what was a good job, save and buy a house, find out my “position has been eliminated” and here I am, with no job, no money, and a fucking house I cant pay for, YAY 2020!
    /anything else you wanna throw at me?

    • Chipping Pioneer

      That sucks. Sorry, dude.

    • pistoffnick

      Wait, what? I thought things were going well for you.

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      Check with your lender

      A responsible tenant paying nothing is often better than an empty house

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        correct, but it doesn’t change things, only prolongs the bills, my issue goes far deeper than that, I miss my Wife, terribly, and can’t get over it, the house creates extra guilt,
        like I should fail to even the score..

      • straffinrun

        Dude, life is and always be about “prolonging the bills”.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Truism, doesn’t help much though,

      • straffinrun

        Having the correct perspective on things is always helpful.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Live long enough, you’ll find perspective don’t mean Shit…..

    • db

      WTF? that sucks dude

    • Count Potato

      Damn. So sorry 🙁

      • straffinrun

        That’s your answer to everything!

      • Tundra

        Shut up.

        It’s why he wins every de’bate.

      • rhywun

        Debatin’.

      • pistoffnick

        THAT is like the ideal though.

        /I’ll be in my bunk

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I married one of those, enjoyed every minute,

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Muchos Gracias Senor! Redheads from Heaven….

  14. Yusef drives a Kia

    I don’t want to, but maybe it’s time to visit my Wendy, these things happen……

    • pistoffnick

      I don’t think that’s how you want to go. You have kids and grandkids that need you.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        no, I don’t, but I’m tired of standing up and getting knocked down, when Wendy was around it was worth it, now, it’s getting tiresome,

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Crumbly Wumba!

      • db

        Please don’t think like that. You’ve brought real beauty here, the pictures, the stories of enjoying the outdoors, all the beauty that life offers, even in the face of pain. You’ve shared that with us.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I keep moving forward and getting slapped down, no fault of my own, I’m just tired of it, it wears on you, I won’t stop, I won’t give up, it’s just getting old,

      • db

        I get that. Getting slapped down is part of life, but it really hurts when it happens too many times in a row, for no apparent reason.

      • Tundra

        You’ve brought a hell of a lot to us. You have a unique and inspiring outlook on everything. I’ll cancel my subscription if you leave.

        Be well, Yusef.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        It just feels like something wants to test me or kill me, and because of that, Homey don’t quit, but this shit is getting old, Thanks guys, I’ll hang out for a bit…..

      • pistoffnick

        That which does not kill you, makes you stronger.

      • Jarflax

        I dunno laziness hasn’t killed me yet

      • straffinrun

        Give it time.

    • Hyperion

      Yusef, it takes time. Time is the great healer. I know it feels like that won’t happen, but it will. Just hang in there. You have skills, can’t you just do jobs on your own? Just hang in there buddy, you’re going to be fine.

    • straffinrun

      “ He is also a certified laughter yoga leader.”

      Ha.

  15. Hyperion

    Man, everything else is all fucked up so why not? Our TV just decided to go bad. Just in time for the holidays! Yayyy!!!

    I don’t watch TV, but my wife does, so that’s her toy and I have to get her a new one.

    I’m looking at some Sony and Samsung. The one I have is a Vizio.

    For me, I typically stop buying a band when it shits the bed on me. The TV is 5 years old, but still.

    I’m looking at 75″ 4K. Anyone have any recommendations? I’m looking at a Sony X900H.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Samsung= reliable, IMO

    • Count Potato

      I bought my mom a Sony 900 something. I think “G”. Anyway, it’s great, although you can buy a perfectly good 4K for way less.

      Annoying thing is that it didn’t come with a manual. They said it was because of their “green” policy. So they eliminated the one thing in the box made from trees that could be recycled.

    • straffinrun

      75” . Damn. Mine is 55” and I’m spraining my neck.

      • pistoffnick

        There is no use in measuring yourself against your piss stall neighbor. Does your 55″ make you happy? That is all that matters.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Does it make Her happy? Oprah and crime shows count you know….

      • pistoffnick

        *Looks up at ceiling*

        “The joke is in your hands.”

      • Hyperion

        I actually believe it matters as to how much it will make you happy. The size of the room, how far you sit from it, and how old your eyes are matters. My eyes keep getting older, so my screens keep getting bigger.

        I remember my first TV as an adult living on my own. It was a 19″ Zenith and me and my gf could not believe how huge this thing was. Now, I can’t even see a 19″ screen if I’m 12 inches from it.

        The 55″ is OK and we’re probably sitting about 12′ away, but I can see a 75 would be nicer, especially with the upgrade to 4K away from that shitty 1080p.

      • Jarflax

        Everyone thinks that 75 inch TV will really add to the porn experience, but remember it magnifies the warts, infected pubic follicles, pimples, breast surgery scars etc.

      • pistoffnick

        *12 year old pistoffnick watching Baron Von Raschke “The Claw” on a 13 inch black and white with Grandpa (hoping that Grandma doesn’t come in from hanging the laundry) while eating fig newtons and spilling crumbs all over the couch*

        You kids get offa my lawn!

      • Hyperion

        I think I was around 10 when we first got color TV.

      • Hyperion

        My current one is 55″, when it’s working, which is less and less. It’s too small. I could go with 85, but I’ll opt for quality for the same price. 75 it is.

      • straffinrun

        The only shows that grace our TV are cooking shows, Korean dramas and the weather forecast. No thanks to 85” for me.

      • rhywun

        LOL mine is 42″ and I thought it was huge when I bought it 8 years ago.

      • Hyperion

        I bought a 40″ Sony Bravia in 2000 and it was the most amazing TV I had ever owned. Everyone who saw it would comment on the picture. That’s back when we barely had digital, most things were still analog. And my living room was about 10’x10′, lol. And I also had perfect vision back then. Now I’m sitting 12 inches from a 34″ monitor displaying 3440×1440 rez and I’m wanting a 49″ monitor with higher rez. But that’s going to wait because now I have to buy wifey a new TV. Oh well, shit happens.

        I took a chance on the Vizio TV and I got burned. I think a TV should last more than 5 years especially at a a premium price like I paid for that thing. I’m leaning Sony, I’ve owned 2, they were both good and still working when I sold them or gave them away.

      • slumbrew

        My Samsung lasted 10 years. TCL is doing great, but it’s only been 2 years.

      • LCDR_Fish

        I had a Hitachi 42″ proto HDTV (720i from what I could tell given the difference in blu-ray quality with my current tv) – bought in dec 2006 in korea, traveled around with me in the military (weighed at least 80 lbs) – gave it to a coworker for his sons room this summer.

        My current primary Samsung 60 is fine – but I need to replace my 2008 era receiver sooner or later. Doesn’t feel like as much of a priority at the moment but I think the newer tvs do a little better with surround sound simulation- or i just can’t tell.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Nobody ever reviews the remote, just as car reviews don’t mention the horn.

      Samsungs have sleep timer buttons prominently on the ‘mote, if that’s important to you. On my Sony it’s buried deep within the menu. One little anecdatum there.

    • one true athena

      I will caution that many current gen HD LCD’s have “burn in” issues. Our Samsung got it, and it’s only 2 years old. All the things they say combat the problem don’t seem to do shit. So make sure you check that out of the model/types you want to look at, and either go cheap with a mind for replacement in the not-too-distant future, or go w/ext warranty if it covers the issue.

  16. Yusef drives a Kia

    Whoa! thanks,

    • Ownbestenemy

      Jesus that was terrible but funny to read my phone typing mistakes.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      This is why we are doomed…..

    • Jarflax

      Oh for God’s sake! They want underwear to vote?

      • Ownbestenemy

        I know! Its crazy!

  17. Chafed

    Great work Derpe. You have a real talent for this stuff.

  18. Yusef drives a Kia

    youse guys made me feel better, and I appreciate it, carry on….

    • pistoffnick

      Keep on rockin’ in a (semi) Free World.

      May your dreams be infested with well-endowed redheads.

    • Jarflax

      Titty ninja fail

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I think I’m going to need a translation.

  19. slumbrew

    That was dumb, Tom.

    • slumbrew

      For the record, NFL – (almost) nobody gives a shit that it was an all-black officiating crew. Acting like it was a big fucking deal was ridiculous.

      • Jarflax

        Fighting racism by bringing back segregation one venue at a time. At this rate we will be seeing a ban on interracial marriage by 2025.

      • Chafed

        I think you were safe with nobody. I’ll go out on a limb and say after having a black president, Supreme Court Justices, generals, billionaires, and quarterbacks… no one gives a shit the officiating crew is black.

      • rhywun

        I didn’t notice or catch them mentioning it. Into the corner with me, I guess.

  20. Gustave Lytton

    https://www.bendbulletin.com/localstate/crimeandjustice/arrest-warrant-sought-for-man-who-allegedly-pointed-gun-at-pilot-butte-incident/article_d52a8148-2b5a-11eb-8470-83964bff7c9b.html#tncms-source=article-nav-next

    Bend Police ultimately recommended the district attorney charge Strayer with three crimes. Hummel opted to charge him with five.

    More on the incidents
    https://www.bendbulletin.com/localstate/crimeandjustice/da-charges-7-in-clashes-between-social-justice-supporters-and-trump-supporters/article_a2a71664-197b-11eb-9b02-f78b0aa2b16f.html

    People attempted to enter the cab of the truck while he was out of it, allegedly because it was in drive, when he pulled his pistol.

    Also

    Multiple people called on officers to denounce white supremacy, and they decline.

    Hummel said they should have done it.

    “The Bend Police officers I know are not white supremacists,” Hummel said. “Sharing who you voted for: that’s political and probably something they should not share. Saying whether you are against white supremacy is not political.”

    Total bullshit coming from the guy who participated in the mob blocking immigration enforcement by federal agents of criminal illegal aliens.

    • Chafed

      The DA wants the cops to say they oppose white supremacy because the crowd demanded it? That’s nuts. How about if they asked the cops to accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior?

  21. Brochettaward

    So it’s just me and Gustave, huh? You fucking cunts. It’s not even 1am yet. You Jap Glibs? It’s day time. You don’t even have a weak, bitch ass excuse. You’re just bitch ass bitches.

      • Brochettaward

        Everything and everyone in that story makes me sick.

    • Tres Cool

      Mark ass marks, trick ass mark, punk bitches and skip scap skanks and skallywags, hoes, heffers, hee haws and hoolie hoos.

      • Sean

        Up top chicken box.

  22. Plinker762

    Sweet, I get home to find a Jury Summons in my mailbox.

    • Brochettaward

      Only stupid people can’t get out of jury duty. It’s for retirees who want to convict black people and drugees of crimes.

      • Plinker762

        That is what I’m thinking

      • Akira

        That’s why I was actually kind of excited when I got my jury summons. Unfortunately, I never got actually summoned. Must have settled out of court one time.

  23. hayeksplosives

    Nice work, Derpy! I liked the headline when you pitched it last week, and the article does not disappoint. The Biden’s Greatest Hits of corny quotations was a nice touch.

    Stil amazes me that Howard Dean was brought down by one cracked-voice “Yaaatr!” of excitement.

    I hope there are some real reporters out there who will show Biden’s gaffes once he becomes president.

  24. Tres Cool

    !!!

    • Sean

      ???

      • Gender Traitor

        (\/)(;,,,;)(\/)

      • Tres Cool

        what happened to }}}}{{{{ ?

      • Gender Traitor

        Oh, yeah – gotta look for an appropriate opportunity to use that one.

        During Swissy’s links yesterday, I was trying to think of how to make a cowbutt emoticon. I gather that’s a large step up (or down?) from a catbutt.

      • Tres Cool

        I thought that when the coven of you, Mojeaux, and Hayek gathered, the {{{{}}}}} abound

  25. Sean

    Oh, state liquor stores will not be closed like the bars. *wipes brow*

    I was worried there for a minute. ?

    Fuck Wolf and his tranny.

    Also, fuck news reporters wearing masks whilst doing remote reporting while not being near anyone. ?

    • PieInTheSky

      dude ease it on the transphobia

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      “Experts say the structures should be well-ventilated. A tent with four walls and a roof, for example, might not have better ventilation than an indoor dining room.”

      Well no shit, thank god for these experts.

  26. Sean

    In a bit of a surprise, gf still will be working in person teaching through next week. The expectation was shut down after Turkey day.

    • PieInTheSky

      this is what she gets for not having a strong enough union

      • Sean

        You are correct, she is non-union.

      • Tres Cool

        ex-wife was a pubic school teacher, and was staunchly pro-union
        All that changed when she had a kid (not mine) and that child became school age
        Then she opted out of ‘the system’ and works for a private school now

      • rhywun

        Yep, NYC is back to remote-only. The teachers check in once or twice a week, if that. Nice gig.

  27. UnCivilServant

    I have this default view in my mind that if I can do something, it must have been easy. This gets applied to pretty much anything. At the end of last night I was staring at the work I’d done, grumbling to myself over the sloppiness of the paint job. I’d spent hours staring at the same two square inches of plastic, dabbing it with the very tips of the bristles using amount of paint where a dropt would be an excessive amount. Then I woke up this morning, looked at it without the magnifying lenses and went “How the fuck did I paint that?”

    • Gender Traitor

      Wow! Is the top right the most complete? Am I right in guessing that the black is the base color and the gray is primer?

      • UnCivilServant

        The gray is the unpainted plastic. The black is primer, and the base color fot the interior. These are all different angles of the same piece taken a few second apart (I had to turn it around and line up a new shot) I took multiple angles because in the top images, the main subject of each is show almost edge-on in the other, so it was impossible for one angle to catch everything.

        The reason there is still bare plastic around is because I need to glue pieces together later and bare plastic with plastic glue forms the strongest bond of my available options. The seat is bare so I can glue the pilot in, and I’ll need to be able to attach the cockpit canopy later, and of course I need to assemble the main body.

      • UnCivilServant

        If you meant “do you plan to put more paint on the back of the cockpit”, the answer is no, the pilot would just cover it up.

      • Gender Traitor

        In the top right pic, the outside looked beige to me instead of gray, so I thought you’d painted it after taking the other pics. Looking forward to seeing the rest!

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s a trick of the lighting.

    • Tres Cool

      Nice use of the coin for scaling. I agree with you- how in the fuck did you manage that?

      Awesome work- something I have neither the hand nor patience to do. You possess a skill.

      • UnCivilServant

        I pretty much spent the entirety of yesterday afternoon from about 2 until 8pm on just those areas. luckily there’s not too many of these crazy high detail areas left. I just have to remember to tape over them before any more work gets done. I don’t want to accidentally spray-prime over them.

    • Sean

      <—

      Wow. Nice work.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m particularly proud of freehanding those hazard stripes.

  28. Tres Cool

    Having been up all night on my “day” off, Ive been doing laundry, drinking, and watching MST3K on PlutoTV. A commercial just came on- “see us on vaseline.com to learn about our commitment to SKIN EQUALITY.

    really?

    They aren’t lying, either: https://www.vaseline.com/us/en

    • Tres Cool

      With that in mind, ages ago when I was a teen I was messing with the stereo one rainy summer afternoon. I turned to WYSO, and heardmy 1st reggae song.

      #MINDWASBLOWN

    • rhywun

      OFFS.

      QAnon’s got nothing on “systemic racism”.

      • rhywun

        “skin of color”

        ?

        Whoever came up with this construction is a genius.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Every single turn of phrase they invent is intended to collectivize and deny individuality. Whether the metric is immutable or arbitrary, it’s purpose is always to divide use into little groups they can exploit.

      • rhywun

        There’s that, plus this one has the added benefit of catching some number of hapless fogies in a slip-up and sending them to the corn-field for re-education.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      So tediously stupid.

      • Sean

        So tediously stupid.

        2020!

  29. The Late P Brooks

    I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love. Don’t stop believing!

    *rises to attention, salutes*

  30. The Late P Brooks

    see us on vaseline.com to learn about our commitment to SKIN EQUALITY.

    The best lamp shades ever.

    • Tres Cool

      “why is it so dark in here?”

      /too soon ?

  31. The Late P Brooks

    “why is it so dark in here?”

    *outright, prolonged laughter*