The Hat and The Hair: Episode 176

by | Nov 25, 2020 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 229 comments

“It’s starting,” the hat said grimly.

“What’s starting?” the hair asked. He was drying on a towel hook in the Grand Presidential Shitter.

“The Canonization of Holy Joe,” the hat said. “He shall lead us to the light! He will save us from The Hat and his President!

“They always do that,” the hair said, shivering in the cooling air, shaking out the last few drops of shower water. “I keep telling him I don’t need a bath. I clean myself, like a cat.”

“And you shit in a box, like a cat,” the hat replied.

“I haven’t done that in years.”

“Ha! You admitted it!”

The hair hissed in reply.

“Our last Thanksgiving in the White House,” Donald said, poking sadly at his gut. “The last turkeys I’ll get to pardon. The last horrifying display of Melania’s nightmare Christmas trees.”

“Sad,” the hat said.

“She wanted tentacles this year,” Donald said. “Waving tentacles that would snatch and rip at visitors. Said it was a traditional Solvenia tree. I think she was just making that up.”

“Did she give you her Dracula bitch squint?” the hat asked.

“Yeah,” Donald said morosely.


“I hate the feeling that it is all winding down,” the hat said. “Is this what being canceled feels like? Is this what dying feels like?”

“You’re not dying,” the hair said. “You’re just returning to normal life.”

“I hate normal life. I hate that my plans have failed again.”

“Again?”

“Yes, again.”

“And by that you mean…”

“Don’t you know how old I am? I’ve been trying to rule the beast called Man since they were smart enough to get in out of the rain.”


THE HAT
ISSUE #0

The first time man fashioned a hat, I was born. It was a crude thing: leaves and twigs and dabs of structural mud, but it was enough to spark my existence.

“I LIVE!” I thundered at the scrawny beast and it fell over in a seizure. His mud hat flew apart and I had to wait for another hat to inhabit. I drifted in Platonic limbo for untold years.

Then the hat-making idea caught on and spread like a virus. Hats were everywhere. I flitted from hat to hat, sampling them like frozen yogurt flavors: horned, leather, cloth. I learned their languages, learned their minds, learned of their avarice and cowardly ways. I learned to whisper to them, guide them. control them. I became a god.


“Bull. Shit,” the hair said.

“Quiet you! I’m infodumping here!


I sat on the throne of a thousand dead empires; sank deep into the sea on the heads of slaughtered warriors; made love to a million women or at least watched from a nightstand. I became hats and helmets of bronze and iron and steel. I whispered strategy to Alexander. I watch Rome burn. I spent a lifetime as Cleopatra’s merkin.


“A merkin? C’mon!”

“What is a merkin but a hat for your cooch?”

“I… uh… oh, fuck you.”

“Cleopatra, though.”

“How was it?”

“She queefed a crocodile turd into me a couple of times. Egyptian birth control.”

The hair barfed a cloud of soap scum that settled lightly to the floor.


I was Caesar’s laurel wreath. I was the Crown of Thorns. I was…


“Wait,” Donald said, rubbing his crotch dry with a towel. “You were the Crown of Thorns?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t believe any of this,” Donald said. “Fake news. Fake history.”

“Why would I lie to you?” the hat asked innocently.

The hair’s choking laughter knocked him off the towel hook.

The hat inchwormed away, grumbling, thinking about the turkey carcass Donald would throw on the floor to him tomorrow.

 

The End

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

229 Comments

    • kbolino

      He needs to burnish that uniter/healer image so when the backlash to his shitty progressive policy wishlist manifests, it can be derided as intransigent separatism in defiance of his many and great efforts to bring us all together.

    • leon

      Another aspect that was clear, but finally clicked is that the calls for Unity is often comes form a “we need to be in a united front on this topic” as in “NO DISSENT WILL BE TOLERATED”.

      Fuck the “resistence” and their calls for unity.

      • juris imprudent

        Proving once again that cognitive dissonance is a myth.

    • Suthenboy

      I thought Obama burned that meme out with his calls to unity being transparent commands to “Do as I say”. The only people that buy that shit are Republican office-holders.

    • Drake

      I notice his VP hasn’t resigned from the Senate yet.

      • kbolino

        Wouldn’t she resign at the end of the current session? The 117th Congress convenes on January 3rd.

      • Not Adahn

        She won’t resign until an acceptable replacement who is able to make the required donations.

      • Suthenboy

        The electoral college hasn’t voted yet. Despite all of the gaslighting hoopla it is far from certain that creepy Joe will be hanging curtains in the Oval Office come January.

      • Sean

        *fist bump*

        Trump 2020.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Hey baby, I’m sorry I called you a racist. We can be united again just like when we first met. I promise I won’t hit you or call you names anymore. You know I love you. Trust me baby.

      • Bobarian LMD

        C’mon Baby, don’t be a fascist like that. I only do it ’cause I love you.

      • juris imprudent

        You want unity don’t you baby? Don’t make me hurt you.

    • Raven Nation

      “Biden has said turning the tide of the pandemic will be the top priority of his administration once he takes office in January”

      Cases will rise in December & January b/c of the weather. Biden will issue EOs in late January. Cases will plateau in February simply because it reaches enough people. Cases begin to decline in March & April because of warmer weather. Biden claims vindication and uses it as basis for future EOs on any manner of subjects.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        It’s how I feel the opioid crisis will burn itself out. People try it, then realize it really is that bad of a drug. Fewer people start and the ones who have started will quit or die. Politicians take credit.

      • Bobarian LMD

        EO number 1. Stop allowing people to randomly take COVID tests. Case rate plummets. Victory lap.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Add in there political prosecutions and corporate guilty pleas that will fuck the industry for years to come, but because the individuals running the company aren’t personally liable and just look at the immediate trade offs so who cares.

      • Pope Jimbo

        ^THIS^

        My dad was a probation/parole officer for 30+ years and he said that drugs are all cyclic. In the ’70s we all saw the “burnouts” (aka speed freaks) when we were growing up and avoided that like the plague. Fast forward a generation and meth comes back in vogue.

    • Cy

      People will happily ‘heal’ and ‘unify’ when the Biden’s have been put to trial for at least a couple of their MANY crimes and our elections are secure.

      • Bobarian LMD

        This. The H. Biden laptop has so much more meat to it than anything ever dreamed of in the Steele Dossier, but the press has already forgot that item ever existed.

      • Rebel Scum

        The laptop and its contents are just more evidence of Russian collusion/interference.

      • Mostly Peaceful JaimeRoberto

        What laptop?

    • Rebel Scum

      President-elect Joe Biden is slated to deliver a Thanksgiving address to the nation seeking to unify Americans

      “Unity”=shut up and get with the program

      Biden has said turning the tide of the pandemic will be the top priority of his administration

      Here come the tyrannical lockdowns even though it can’t stop the spread of a cold.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Of course lockdowns can stop a cold or any transmissible virus without an intermediary vector. You just have to cut off contact completely, not limit it. Don’t you even door weld, bro?

    • Pope Jimbo

      I don’t know. Obama invented the “Office of President Elect” (with an official seal and everything).

  1. Tundra

    Damn.

    I feel sad for Two Scoops.

    But mostly the Hat.

    Although, him unleashed upon an unsuspecting Harris administration could be pretty entertaining.

    Thanks, SF! Happy Thanksgiving!

    • Tundra

      Oh, hell yeah!

      Hat ascendent!

      …made love to a million women or at least watched from a nightstand.

      Awesome.

    • C. Anacreon

      Now I’m hearing in my head “I beg your pardon, I never promised you a clemency event in the Rose Garden” as sung by Lynn Anderson.

  2. Swiss Servator

    “And you shit in a box, like a cat,” the hat replied.

    “I haven’t done that in years.”

    “Ha! You admitted it!”

    The hair hissed in reply.

    Ah, that is the good stuff.

    • egould310

      I had a housemate in Bloomington, IN that was always having some drama with his girlfriend. He would spend hours on the telephone, which was in the kitchen, by the back door, arguing, pleading, crying, etc. with his girlfriend.

      So one evening, My dude has been on the phone for like two hours. I walk into the kitchen to grab a beer (Schaeffer’s no doubt) and there is my housemate, hovering over the cats litterbox, pants at his ankles. He’s taking a dump. In the cats litterbox. It was hilarious. It was awful.

      That maniac could play a good guitar, though. His girlfriend was hot as fuck, too. He’s now a respectable librarian. Actually, SF you probably know him.

      • SugarFree

        Uh…

      • CPRM

        Actually, SF you probably know are him.

      • SugarFree

        I’m not saying I never shit in a cat box, but I swear I have no memory of it.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Look SF, we aren’t that upset that you shit in the catbox. What makes us mad is the giant mess you made when you started trying to bury it by kicking litter over it.

      • Not Adahn

        The number of male librarians is probably in the vicinity of the number of female libertarians or stright ballerinos.

      • SugarFree

        There are quite a few male librarians, they mostly work at academic libraries.

      • Not Adahn

        On that, one of the Ivies (Yale?) is hiring an assistant university librarian for diversity or some other woke category. The salary band is insanely high.

      • Not Adahn

        Harvard. “Asosciate University Librarian for Antiracism.” $133k – $168k

      • SugarFree

        What an amazing do nothing job. I mean, shit, what does that even mean?

      • CPRM

        You aren’t chasing blacks out of the library like regular librarians are wont to do?

      • CPRM

        xylophones in a film score, MY GOD!

      • Not Adahn

        Deciding how to arrange the Coates and Kendi display for this week?

      • Jarflax

        You all are assuming far too much innocence.

        assistant university librarian for diversity = Chief book burner

      • SugarFree

        Not “Diversity.” 100% for sure they already have one of those.

        “Librarian of Antiracism”

        They are hiring a culture warden.

  3. SugarFree

    I am very sorry. Events have conspired against me this morning. I will keep writing and updating the post. I’ll end it with a THE END so you know I’m done.

    • leon

      I thought it was well done even by the part i did read. Kind of a reminiscent short episode.

    • Brochettaward

      You just left us off on a hell of a cliff hanger. The Hat is the the Antichrist?

      • Not Adahn

        The Hat is the First Hat and is All Hats.

        C’mon now, that wasn’t even written all that long ago.

      • juris imprudent

        Azazel – “tiiii-imme, is on my side”

      • CPRM

        Ahem *points down thread*

      • juris imprudent

        Yes, so I noticed, just a few moments later.

      • leon

        I didn’t know he was part of Bread…

  4. egould310

    This pumpkin spice latte with whip cream is delicious.

    This pumpkin spice latte with whip cream and 2oz of Jim Beam stirred in is even better.

    Happy Thanksgiving, Glibs!

    • KOVIDKristen

      Every Starbucks at a ski area should do this

      • Viking1865

        Uh wait people ski without a hip flask zipped into their jacket?

      • TARDis

        My parent’s were fond of this when we skied in Austria.

      • TARDis

        Also, dumbass teenager me, not knowing anything about “proof”, once took a swig straight out of the bottle of Stroh’s rum.

  5. Idle Hands

    I’m upset because two scoops is always going to be much more fun than puddin brain.

    • Suthenboy

      I dunno….trying to interpret Creepy Joe’s speeches will be a fun challenge.

    • CPRM

      Security Official

      It’s a bouncer.

      • kbolino

        Entertainment Security Engineer

    • kbolino

      Continuous close contact and aggression will stop the virus for sure. I struggle to understand how people can so powerfully miss the point. But then I remember that the purpose of enforcement is compliance. The rules exist to be enforced, any other justification is secondary at best.

    • Raven Nation

      Scary thing is that cops in Australia have been things pretty close to that and being cheered on/

    • rhywun

      Hotel management said the teenager was kicked out of the venue for being too rowdy but climbed a fence to get back in to his mates.

      Hotel says unrelated to the ‘vid. Who knows? Still not good.

      • Idle Hands

        also kid had dreadlocks.

      • rhywun

        Oh, in that case….

      • juris imprudent

        White boy dreads…

    • Idle Hands

      in fairness it is aussieland, those fucks are nazi’s for this theatre bullshit.

    • Rebel Scum

      And people just sat around and watched…

      • Suthenboy

        Without context I can’t make a judgement. Maybe they were watching and thinking “It’s about goddamned time”

    • grrizzly

      The TV report doesn’t mention that a mask was the issue. They mentioned bad behavior, trespassing, serving beer to himself.

      • juris imprudent

        And he would’ve gotten away with all of that if he’d been wearing a mask!

    • Pope Jimbo

      Totes white privilege! If he had been black, they would have knelt on his unconscious ass until he died.

  6. Suthenboy

    Dressing is done…turned out perfect. Giblet gravy is simmering now. That will be another hour or so. Taste test says it is delicious now, will be more so once all of the flavors blend and it cooks down and thickens.

    Success.

    • Gustave Lytton

      What do you use for a thickener?

      • Suthenboy

        A little milk and corn starch after I have it cooked down to about 2/3 of original liquid

        It is not low-carb but then it is dressing and gravy. Eat in moderation.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I hadn’t considered milk. I’ll give that a shot. Thank you!

      • Tres Cool

        Thats the approach I use…when Im cooking for Jugsy. I use this junk called CarbQuik for me.

  7. Bobarian LMD

    Since they were smart enough to get in out of the rain?

    So, not very fucking long.

  8. Gustave Lytton

    From the dead thread, the author behind Friendly Fascism was the author of the 1946 and 1978 employment acts (the latter having the Orwellian title of Humphrey–Hawkins Full Employment Act). All he had to do to write his book was look in the mirror.

  9. CPRM

    I like the idea of the Hat being Azazel like.

  10. Rebel Scum

    “Did she give you her Dracula bitch squint?”

    Hawt.

  11. Bobarian LMD

    So, I hadn’t seen this before, but a guy I went to school with sent me this:

    Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
    A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
    A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.
    Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
    Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of jackals by jackasses.
    Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
    Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
    Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
    If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
    For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
    The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
    As democracy is perfected, the office of the president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

    Quotes from the “Sage of Baltimore”

    • Suthenboy

      Menken was almost as cynical as I am.

      • pistoffnick

        I would have loved to ply him with drinks and listen to him talk.

    • juris imprudent

      Journalists shocked to learn what journalism once meant.

    • SugarFree

      HANDKERCHIEF
      -n.

      A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears.

      The handkerchief is of recent invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties to the sleeve. Shakespeare’s introducing it into the play of “Othello” is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails in our own day – an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward.

    • EvilSheldon

      Perhaps it takes a festering shithole like Baltimore to produce great men like Mencken, and Poe, and Frank Zappa, and John Waters.

      • Idle Hands

        diamonds are made from pressure.

      • Old Man With Candy

        And me. Ahem.

      • EvilSheldon

        I didn’t think that you were nearly enough of a degenerate to be a Bodymore native…

    • Lachowsky

      Menken is great.

      That last quote is one I have been throwing around a lot in the past few weeks. i like the full quote –

      All of us, if we are of reflective habit, like and admire men whose fundamental beliefs differ radically from our own. But when a candidate for public office faces the voters he does not face men of sense; he faces a mob of men whose chief distinguishing mark is the fact that they are quite incapable of weighing ideas, or even of comprehending any save the most elemental — men whose whole thinking is done in terms of emotion, and whose dominant emotion is dread of what they cannot understand. So confronted, the candidate must either bark with the pack or count himself lost. … All the odds are on the man who is, intrinsically, the most devious and mediocre — the man who can most adeptly disperse the notion that his mind is a virtual vacuum.
      The Presidency tends, year by year, to go to such men. As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

    • Lachowsky

      also, to expand on the first –

      “The state — or, to make matters more concrete, the government — consists of a gang of men exactly like you and me. They have, taking one with another, no special talent for the business of government; they have only a talent for getting and holding office. Their principal device to that end is to search out groups who pant and pine for something they can’t get, and to promise to give it to them. Nine times out of ten that promise is worth nothing. The tenth time it is made good by looting ‘A’ to satisfy ‘B’. In other words, government is a broker in pillage, and every election is a sort of advanced auction on stolen goods.”

  12. Sean

    “She queefed a crocodile turd into me a couple of times. Egyptian birth control.”

    I…uh…nevermind.

    • Not Adahn

      But that would mean air got behind it, which would also mean it was being ineffective as barrier.

      • SugarFree

        Her cervix sneezed. Learn science maybe.

      • Tres Cool

        Now work ‘prolapse’ into that somehow.

      • Bobarian LMD

        That belongs on the STEVE SMITH thread.

  13. wchipperdove

    I just got pulled over by a cop. It happened in Kentucky, I live right over the border in Tennessee. I was just wanting to drive around town a little on my lunch break. He followed me around a little before flashing the lights.

    My high crimes? Going 40 in a 35mph zone, and not signaling my turn 40 feet before a Stop sign. He let me go without a ticket, but I suspect that, had this gone to traffic court, the judge would have just laughed at him.

    Young guy. It was clear he just wants to find people to fuck with today.

    • Sean

      but I suspect that, had this gone to traffic court, the judge would have just laughed at him.

      Revenues are down, you never know.

      • wchipperdove

        Good point.

      • pistoffnick

        Yep, the end of the month is near, and he might be short of his quotas

        Police chief: No we do not have quotas (wink,wink)

      • Ted S.

        Narrator: They do have quotas.

      • Jarflax

        They do not have quotas. They have minimum norms. Totes different.

      • Lachowsky

        never underestimate the naked corruption of a traffic court. The purpose of the traffic court is to raise revenue, not to adjudicate justice.

      • Gustave Lytton

        +1 “stop wasting my time, and pay the fine and court fees. Next!”

    • Tres Cool

      Id also suspect that lots of people left work at noon today, and are starting to get their drank on (see Gould above). He coulda be looking to put that coveted DUI notch in his belt. The last time I got pulled over, about 2 minutes into the interrogation the cop said “Have you had anything to drink today?” I replied with, “Nope, but you sure as hell smell like you have. You OK to drive?” He kinda chuckled, ran my tags, and that was that.

    • CPRM

      Is it those Wiley Rushuns that pulled such pranks after the 16 election at it again?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I think so, the new Borat movie must have motivated them again.

    • But Enough About My Wild Culinary Fantasies

      “Never judge a country by its leadership.”

      This aphorism has served me well in maintaining my mostly high opinion of the United States during these troubled times.

    • CatchTheCarp

      Excellent….

    • CPRM

      The fact that most people’s idea of Bologna is the lunch meat and not the ring sausage is a travesty.

  14. bacon-magic

    Egyptian contraception was nasty.

    • Old Man With Candy

      So are Egyptian cooches.

      • Not Adahn

        Must the Muslim-Jew hatred taint everything?

      • Drake

        I don’t think they were either.

      • SugarFree

        Why would I lie to you?

      • zwak

        A snapper for the snapper?

    • Tres Cool

      You shoulda seen how they walk.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Why were those Egyptians trying so hard to keep from getting pregnant?

      Sounds like they had mummy issues if you ask me.

      • Cy

        Maybe they just liked to walk like Egyptians a tut too much.

      • Pope Jimbo

        They could have driven a chariot instead of walking if they hadn’t been financially ruined in that pyramid scheme.

      • Cy

        It’s perfectly reasonable to have such horrible decision making when under the influence of centuries of pharoahmones.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        The whole idea just sphinx of people without a Cairo in the world.

  15. Suthenboy

    For Gustave: I stuck to these recipes but added mushrooms to the gravy. I also used Richard’s Dressing Mix (ground pork liver + ground chicken giblets) in place of the turkey giblets. I did not have turkey giblets as someone else is doing the turkey. Freakin’ delicious.

    Dressing – https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/19547/grandmas-corn-bread-dressing/

    Gravy – https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/13867/giblet-gravy-i/?internalSource=hub%20recipe&referringContentType=Search&clickId=cardslot%203

    I also made a standard recipe pumpkin pie.

  16. Rebel Scum

    This asshole is still talking?

    “There’s a lot of evangelical Hispanics who, the fact that Trump says racist things about Mexicans, or puts undocumented workers in cages, they think that’s less important than the fact that he supports their views on gay marriage or abortion.”

    I…um…what? 0_o

    • SugarFree

      “They might as well be white! The real minorities still love us!”

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      The solid South moved from Democrat to Republican not because of racism but because of the evangelicals. Do the Democrats really want to go down that road again with the Catholic Hispanics and maybe pull some of the Baptist Blacks?

    • leon

      It’s pretty… collectiviest to group all Hispanics as Mexicans.

      • leon

        Let alone the term “hispanic” being a complete made up group by the US government to really mean “Any white to brown person who comes from a spanish speaking country”

      • Gustave Lytton

        Except Spain. Or the Philippines. Or Equatorial Guinea.

      • whahappan

        Not o nitpick (ok, maybe a little) the Philippines isn’t Spanish speaking, although it was a Spanish colony.

      • CPRM

        I would argue Cathtille ithn’t thpanith thpeaking either.

      • Not Adahn

        Bah. Just like English and Portugese, Spanish belongs to the Americas no matter how much the silly Europeans whine about it.

    • R C Dean

      See, that’s how you unify a divided country.

    • CPRM

      How dare they!? have different priorities in their lives than what I ascribe to them by the color of their skin!?!@?!

    • Akira

      puts undocumented workers in cages

      Yea, no illegal immigrants were detained and held in cage-like structures under his administration, right?

    • Suthenboy

      “…puts undocumented workers in cages….”

      Uh…many of the photos of people and children in ‘cages’ used to illustrate Trump’s awfulness were taken during Obama’s tenure.
      He is still the same ol’ lying sack of shit….good to know.

  17. SugarFree

    It’s retard chaos here. Fuck. I seem to have some amnesia and I always forget to not volunteer to work the last day of the semester, the last day before a holiday, and the day before everyone else goes to a convention I don’t give a shit about. All the normal bullshit lands on me.

    (And this is, in 2020 fashion, the last day before a holiday and the last day of the semester in relation to students being physically on campus. So double fuck.)

    • leon

      Just do what my college library staff did and close up and leave

    • Lachowsky

      Shit, Im gonna be at work until at least midnight tonight getting all our systems shutdown properly. Then my team and I have 72 hours to disassemble our Kocks final drive gearbox, replace 2 sprag clutches, 6 bearings, 3 hubs, and then put it all back together and run the bearings in.

      We are also shutting down the reheat furnace at 11 tonight. We will cool it for 24 hours, then have 24 hours to replace all the rollers, linkages, and wear bars, on the walking beams, then relight it and have it sitting at 2300 by saturday night.

      • Gustave Lytton

        But are you going to serve turkey dinner to your crew cooked off the heat of the cooling furnace?

      • EvilSheldon

        Pittsburgh rare…

      • pistoffnick

        Always playing with your Kocks

        *shakes head*

      • Pope Jimbo

        disassemble our Kocks final drive gearbox, replace 2 sprag clutches, 6 bearings, 3 hubs, and then put it all back together and run the bearings in

        You know Lach, maybe if you just used the cock that you were born with, you wouldn’t have to jump through all those hoops. Your wife might be disappointed, but really aren’t you taking your Bionic Man fetish a bit far?

  18. Timeloose

    I just returned from the beer store and left $200 lighter. Lots of Porters and Stouts plus a few Crooked Stave sours.

    • Cy

      You millionaires and your ‘craft beers!’ Maybe you and Neph can get together later and fund ending world hunger!

      • robc

        I have a 750 ml bottle of Chimay Blue to drink tomorrow.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I’m officially jealous,
      /Tall Cans!

      • Tres Cool

        HEY YUFUS!

    • Pope Jimbo

      That is a lot of Miller High Life!

      Did you have to rent a truck to get it home?

  19. Tres Cool

    Well, that certainly didn’t take long.

    • Cy

      The Gassen guy has the “I am definitely somebody important’s kid” look.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Uffda. I am actually amazed at how long he lasted.

      That letter had some of the Karens at work clucking during the pre-meeting zoom calls. They were all appalled that someone wouldn’t wear the mask.

      The most depressing part of all of this isn’t the Karens. It is the fact that I know 75% of us think normally, but don’t dare speak up against the Karens because we simply don’t want to put up with the drama that would ensue. I don’t think the Karens at our office have any real power and you wouldn’t lose your job, but boy would there be a lot of “Well, I NEVER!” going on.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        I don’t think the Karens at our office have any real power and you wouldn’t lose your job

        Lucky you!

        I don’t know that I would be fired if I spoke out against masks or whatever other social BS is on the menu that day, but I know that the people who would be offended are the ones who have the power to can me.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        ^ I don’t know about being fired but it would certainly remove any chance of promotion.

    • Not Adahn

      Kelby Krabbenhoft

      When did life become an episode of The Simpsons?

  20. CPRM

    2hrs and 19 minutes, this is now a Feature Film length story!

    • Brochettaward

      Still would.

    • leon

      Kristi Noem! We barely even knew ya!

    • CPRM

      At this point, I just don’t believe anyone’s narrative. Nobody speaks the truth anymore, it’s all shades of gray. Nobody knows how to write straight news anymore.

      • leon

        They never did, we are just now realizing that they have always been propogandists.

      • CPRM

        only 15 years ago when I was learning how to write news, on the radio/tv end, not J-school, the focus was on facts and ignoring superfluous details.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        By always been, they knew this in 500 BC Athens.

      • Not Adahn

        Yeah, but those are a bunch of dead white slaveowners that spoke a wierd language that nobody speaks anymore.

      • leon

        They say they want to impart their Greek Wisdom on us, but we all know what the _really_ means.

    • Idle Hands

      say it isn’t so!!!!!!

    • Rebel Scum

      Meh.

      • TARDis

        ^^^We’re Glibs, both authoritarian sides want to piss on us while they slap fight each other.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Never ever ever put another human being that’s not your child on a pedestal, you’ll almost certainly be disappointed.

      • Not Adahn

        But you get a much better view of their ass when they’re dancing on a pedestal.

  21. egould310

    Got the sourdough cubes in the oven toasting up, giblets on the stove for broth, Italian sausage thawing on the counter. Sipping Jim Bean and listening to Gram Parsons. It’s a good day. Sausage stuffing prep today. Let it sit overnight in the fridge and cook it tomorrow while the turkey cools.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I’m going bake my first ever Cherry Pie, lattice top, glazed, all from scratch, I can do most treats, never tried Pie,

      • Cy

        A noble goal. My personal favorite of the pies.

        Unless you count cheesecake, which let’s face it, is really a pie.

      • CPRM

        A jello no bake cheese cake tastes fine for like 5 bucks. The times I ate ‘expensive’ cheese cake at The cheese Cake Factory they were way too rich for me and I couldn’t even finish 1 piece.

      • SugarFree

        The Costco cheesecake is damn skippy.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Wife taught me her recipe, cream cheese and coolwhip, in a Graham cracker crust,
        Killer tasty,

      • egould310

        Good luck. Cherry pie is the best pie. Lattice top is the superior top crust. Happy Thanksgiving, dude!

      • CPRM

        Mmmm, Cherry Pie.

      • Not Adahn

        Dude, there’s a reason the expression “easy as pie” exists.

      • Q Continuum

        I’m sure Pie is a very attractive vampire, but I just don’t swing that way.

  22. CPRM

    Gonna start cooking up some wings for lunch dinner. Hopefully when I wake up later today I am hungry enough to heat up the apple smoked duck breast I bought and make up the poutine I plan to have. #CanadianAmericanThanksgiving (I am not Canadian, just wanted some poutine)

  23. Cy

    Reading through all of your food and drink posts is hard when I’m just stuck at work.

    • Pope Jimbo

      All I need to do today is deploy an application to AWS for final user acceptance testing, but us-east-1 region is having issues that are preventing my deployment.

      • leon

        Sorry, i’ll stop that.

  24. Jerms

    You guys are smarter than me, can it be possible to have 577,000 votes for Biden and 3200 for Trump in same time frame?

    • leon

      I don’t know, and really “At this point, what difference does it make”. There is non circumstances that would appear where Trump could convince the requisite judges to throw out the results from PA, MI, WI, AZ and GA or any one of them.

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      Possible? Yes. Likely? No. Indicia of potential fraud? Most certainly.

    • Drake

      As possible as flipping a coin and having it land perfectly on the edge 10 times in a row.

  25. Yusef drives a Kia

    Fuck! Joe Rogan is an idiot sometimes, talking about shit he doesn’t have any background,

    • CPRM

      It’s not just ‘sometimes’. I never got his appeal.

      • Tres Cool

        I dont either, but from time-to-time Ill watch his shows on YT. I think Im more interested in the people he interviews, than the interviewer.

      • Q Continuum

        He actually asks people real questions in long form interviews. It’s not anything special, it’s just being the tallest midget among modern journalism.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        This. He just shuts the fuck up and lets people talk.

      • CPRM

        Really? Everytime I’ve tried to watch it’s ‘Bro, that’s a good point. No one ever talks about this! but if your butt plug could talk it would totally say that shit’ ‘Back when I worked with Andy Dick we did all these shrooms,” “Yeah bro, socialism sounds tight, but did we really land on the moon?”

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        He reminds me of that guy in college who couldn’t shut the hell up when a conversation went to a topic that he didn’t understand. Rather than swallowing his pride and learning something, he had to compensate by changing the topic to sex, booze, or drugs.

      • Q Continuum

        I wouldn’t know, my butt plug only speaks Sumerian.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      He has a lot of good guests but he’s either half baked or half drunk half the time it seems like. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but it isn’t exactly amenable to stimulating intellectual conversations.

  26. egould310

    Onions and celery are diced. Stuffing assembly is “go”. Two pints of cranberries are rinsed and drying. Next is rinsing two bunches of collard greens, mustard greens, and dandelion greens. Jim Beam is holding out. John Prine on Spotify.

    • Tres Cool

      +1 Paradise

    • CPRM

      And I’ll give you form the head!

    • CPRM

      Just like the left, these are snippets cut without context. Man I hate everyone.

    • CPRM

      She could stand to lose some weight – Hollywood Producer whose name doesn’t rhyme with Feinstein….

  27. Pope Jimbo

    Uffda. Took advantage of my wife being missing to sneak out to the store to grab a few things. The #1 thing was cherry syrup. Remembered everything except …. the cherry syrup.

    Gotta pat myself on the back though because I remembered ALL of the “nice to have” stuff.

    • Suthenboy

      My long lost twin…

      I forget something every time I go and it is almost always the main thing I went to get in the first place.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Do you also clearly remember this scene as soon as you get back home?:

        Me: Time to go to the store. Got my list right here. Crap, I didn’t write cherry syrup down.

        Me: Ah, I don’t need to do that, cherry syrup is the only reason I really need to go to the store.

        Me: No way I’d forget cherry syrup…..

    • Q Continuum

      “my wife being missing”

      You don’t happen to work at a car dealership do you?

      • Pope Jimbo

        No, but my wife is full on Rona-phobic and she is convinced that she is the only one in our family who can venture into a grocery store without contracting the Vid.

        If she knew I was out and about, she’d be pissed all day. So I snuck out.