NEW YORK – Governor Andrew Cuomo, in a feat of graciousness fit for a jolly man in a red suit, provided a list of superior alternatives to the tired, COVID-unfriendly Christmas traditions that people endure every year.
“Why bother pretending that you like your unmutual family, when you can celebrate Covidmas on a zoom call with our wrongthink tracers, erm, I mean, Covidmas cheer specialists?”
Cuomo, well known for his impeccable taste and humility, suggested an array of fantastic games and work exercises for a gratifying Covidmas day.
For a game that is great fun and also benefits the cause, Cuomo suggested “Pin the Pandemic on a Heretic”. In this game, the player must recite a Governor approved reason why the public should ignore the Governor’s endangerment of nursing homes and why the heavy COVID toll in New York is due to Governor Cuomo’s detractors. A Covidmas cheer specialist will rate your excuse and decide whether you require re-education.
For those who want to get some fresh air on Covidmas day, Cuomo suggests a fun game of “Martyrdom on 34th Street”. You go into the street to protest social injustice and throw yourselves in front of passing cars while on camera. The more realistic your video and the more gruesome your injuries, the more fake Twitter followers are added to your account.
Those who are fond of the traditions are asked to do more to empower their communities in these troubling times. Christians, Republicans, and other wrongthinkers have been automatically enrolled in a great, wholesome game of Grinch. They must dress in green leotards, sneak down the chimneys of gun owners’ houses, and steal all the guns. In order to ensure that everybody has fun with this great social game, participants’ bank accounts have been frozen and their families have been interned in FEMA camps.
For those who are the most contemplative during the holiday season, Cuomo has provided a reading list to find the true meaning of Covidmas. On the list are perennial favorites like the Communist Manifesto and Rules for Radicals, as well as hot new additions like How to Lie With Statistics and How To Rig an Election. Mandatory book clubs will be hosted on the hour, every hour, and covidmas cheer specialists will be testing your retention. Those who haven’t sufficiently embraced the true meaning of covidmas will be gifted a train trip to a book retreat at a local FEMA camp.
Cuomo is very excited about this year’s holiday season and has shared a covidmas card from his family to all constituents. The card, drawn in the traditional political poster style, cost $1.2M and portrays a beatified Cuomo dressed in a red coat and stocking hat and embracing the Empire State building while blasting a stylized coronavirus with his laser penis. Seen in the corner is an array of deplorables strung up on crosses: Christians, right-wingers, gun nuts, unmasked people, and straight white men. Cuomo has since been nominated for a Carnegie Prize, an Emmy, a Grammy, and a Nobel Peace Prize for his covidmas card.
his impeccable taste
I take it this involves nip rings.
Thanks for reviving that previously suppressed memory.
Come on, how about a trigger warning for those of us affected by douchebag portraits?
You could Pavlov yourself into responding with deep joy?
“He truly loved Big Douchebag…”
Right?!
*shudder*
Christians, right-wingers, gun nuts, unmasked people, and straight white men.
I am all of these except the first. Dang it… *Rummages through closet looking for a Bible*
Yeah, I’m probably about to join the first also in an effort to piss them off more and the fact that I think they must deserve some type of divine punishment.
If you are too stupid to heed the message ‘let sleeping dog lie’, then you deserve whatever your fate.
I’m going to watch Midnight Mass from Saint Patrick’s later but that’s about as close as I get to the first. The last one… well, that is a step too far.
Gay white men are the white men of straight white men.
^
I’m really white if that helps my case.
Is that streaming? If so, linky?
It’s on WPIX (Channel 11) here. Dunno if it goes out beyond NYC.
PlutoTV sent me a notice about the Pope doing a streaming mass from the Vatican earlier today. That may be available as well.
I didn’t like the music.
I wish the local cathedral here that does Midnight Mass with the sublime music did theirs streaming this year, but no.
The music at St. Pat’s is top-notch – that’s the main reason I watch.
Is there a choir? If so, did the church just tell Cuomo to bug off?
We shall see. There’s always a choir.
I’m genuinely curious. As I understand Cuomo’s thinking, singing is dangerous. I wonder how he’ll justify it. I also wonder if the cathedral is enforcing a capacity limit.
Well, there are about 8 singers in masks and clear face shields. It’s not…good. That’s why I didn’t like the Vatican’s.
A socially-distanced choir wearing masks.
***SIGH!!!*** : (
Right?!
It’s awful.
OFFS. There better be more than a handful of them when the Big Show starts.
I’d been watching this local Presbyterian service at what may be the closest thing Dayton has to a cathedral. Choir shoulder to shoulder sans masks AND a congregation. Makes me wonder if it’s a rerun from last year.
I’m trending that way.
(Order of service here)
Thread fail – goes with my 11:11 PM (EST) comment.
Looks like this should help you out.
Thank you!!!
You’re welcome!
When I think of politicians I always say “Let lying dogs sleep” if only they would, mischief would be minimized
What a fine, upstanding man. Can you imagine a better person suited to the office which he so deservedly holds? I thought not. The Empire State owes a debt of gratitude to its most dedicated, and yet most beleaguered and defamed public servant. Thank you, Dr. Gov. Cuomo.
That’s Herr Doktor Gov. Cuomo, Genosse.
Fuck Cuomo.
Not even with Winston’s dick.
How about with Winston’s Mom’s dick?
But his mom is a working
ladywoman, so…She could probably provide economic advice.
I’m speaking figuratively. Not even I am that desperate to literally fuck Cuomo.
I got it. I was just having fun.
I should have noticed that. Sorry.
I hope I am relocated to a warm climate for my re-education camp.
I hope they allow us to take showers …
And work too. Work will make us free!
I wanna be free!
The last shower you’ll ever need.
Just so I’m buried with clean underwear.
Magic underwear?
If it were really magic I wouldn’t have to take a shower in a re-education camp.
Buried?
That’s a lot of underwear. Besides, technically, whatever you’re wearing when you’ve been buried can be called “underwear.”
No Pulitzer?
Maybe a Nobel Prize in Medicine.
Fa La La La Latte
Here’s a special drink to help you get through the holidays without committing atrocities.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmc7zAahXkw
This one has a special guest appearance from STEVE SMITH.
I was saving that one for a STEVE SMITH post…
That whipped cream gave me bad ideas, I’m a bad person.
Desk chair is now fixed, thanks to you wonderful Glibs. Now I might have to use my desk again. Blackadder’s Christmas Carol on the tv.
Ha! That’s what I’ve got queued up on the TV right now too!
Just awaiting the spouse to join me on the couch.
Nice new avatar.
Thanks, hyp!
Your post the other night reminded me to fix the niggling issues I had with my chair. I got it from a neighbor a few years ago and Is noticed some of the fasteners weren’t quite aligned and seated right. All lined up properly, and reassembled, and the microecstasy of putting something right is a deep joy.
Cool story. High fives all around. Happy Chairmas, GL.
Merry Christmas, correspondent from Dickensland!
Pssst… we’re not allowed to use that word in the US.
From the local news desk:
Woman falsely accuses brother of farting on toothbrush: Highland Heights Police Blotter
I reach down…between my legs…ease the seat back…get my hand stuck and call the fire department…
With your hand stuck? Bent over? I’m guessing every LEO in NoDak (all 3 0f them) will be called in, just to get cell phone pictures of Mike S’s dilemma.
His only problem is he’s old.
Age is not Mike S’s only problem…
I suspect Cuomo is not the only Democrat sitting around the Tree this night wondering why Joe Biden and not he (or she) is sitting in the Office of the President Elect.
HRC hardest hit.
Had a lovely dinner with my daughter and her two sons at her new house.
Excellent.
We had the same dinner with granddaughter and husband, back from AK for the holidays. It’s really great to see family again.
I’m sure you enjoyed your dinner as much as we did ours, even if it was not traditional turkey.
We had the same dinner with granddaughter and husband, back from AK for the holidays. It’s really great to see family again.
Excellent.
Here’s a suggested future Christmas activity for Mafiosocuomo.
Happy Holiday, Jackass
Damn, it is raining cats and dogs here. 59 F out now. I put my tillandsias outside to get a bath and now I have to go out there to get them. I’m going to get soaked. Afraid to leave then out, it’s supposed to get down to 37.
Yikes, just looked at Dark Sky. There’s a monster about 5 mi south of me.
Interesting way to clean you orphans.
Supposed to dip here after the rain as well. And then pretty much keep dipping throughout Christmas day until we go into the 20s Christmas night. Perfect timing for a wet mess, no snow, but likely very frosty morning on the 26th.
One Christmas when I was a kid, Santa left me a lump of coal.
It pissed me off, so the next year I laced the cookies I left out for him with arsenic.
Somehow the SOB figured it out and killed my dad.
Related: Fatman slaps.
Where are all my goyim at? No way you’re all in church.
Zoom.
Yep.
I’m working. Can’t zoom but I can still trash talk here.
Brushing teeth in the shower – trash or no trash?
HATE brushing my teeth with warm/hot water, so I will not do such a silly thing.
Obviously if you’re taking a shower, you’re only one step above a firehose at county lockup to begin with. Real shitlords bathe.
My wife bought like 2 1.75 liter bottles of Pennsylvania Dutch eggnog. I don’t drink much other than beer, but damn that shit is good, lol. I’m going to be so drunk.
That being said, anyone else ever hear of the history of ‘first and 2nd sleep’? Seriously, I learned about this a couple of years ago, when I first started falling into this habit, years after I started working from home at least 50% of the time. Now that I WFH 100% of the time, I have recently, for the past month or so, started doing it again.
I’ll typically fall asleep 11pm to 12am, and sleep about 4 hours and awaken about 3-4am. And when I say awaken, I mean wide awake, right out of a deep sleep. And then I’ll get up, go to my computer, typically make food, and sit down for a 2-3 hour web browsing, typically watching documentaries with an interest in doing things like I would do in the afternoon. Then around 5am, I’ll just suddenly get very sleepy and go back to bed and wake up at 9am when the alarm goes off.
I just wonder if anyone else does this. Apparently it was the norm before the industrial revolution when people started sleeping one time 8 hours a night.
I wake at 0430 and then stay awake because I’m not some lame lamer.
I have a co-worker who wakes up at 4am and goes to bed at 8PM. She’s not human and neither are you, but we already knew that.
lol 8pm. She is a lamer.
I’m a 9PM to 5AM sort of guy. One day you’ll be old, too.
I now cannot figure out how someone does not fall into the first and 2nd sleep unless you’re commuting to a daily 9-5 type job.
I’m up every day at 04:00 as well. When I actually go into the office, I’m there by 05:00 – beat the traffic both directions. In bed by around 21:00 every day.
But I already know I’m not a human – I’m a government employee.
I never sleep 8 hrs. I fall asleep (which takes forever) then wake up a couple/few hours later and start the routine again. It did not help that last night my cat got on my pillow in the brief period in which I was in a deep sleep. Instead of the norm of laying along the pillow and back board parallel to the pillow he decided to curl up and kick me off of my pillow. I woke with my head barely on the edge of the pillow…and I kicked his ass out of the bedroom. Luckily 4 day weekend started today so it is not like I have to function, at least not at a normal level.
Seriously, look up first and second sleep on the internet. It’s apparently a well known scientific fact that before the industrial revolution, this was the typical sleep pattern. People went to bed at dark, woke up in the wee hours of the night, and did things like reading (if they had light), ate, had sex, and even visited neighbors who would also be awake at this time, and then slept again for a few hours and then woke up again at first light.
I was fascinated by this and still am, because for the last month, this seems perfectly normal and enjoyable for me. My mind seems completely awake as much as in the day at the wee hour awakening, so much that I am now starting to do work stuff during this time.
I had a friend who would fall asleep at 7:00 p.m. after she got home from work no matter what she did (activities, coffee, whatever) and wake up around 11. Then she’d go back to sleep about 2:00 a.m. She finally just went with it and was much happier for it.
She fell into her natural bio sleep pattern for humans, having escaped the industrial sleep curse. I am now convinced of this, it feels so much more natural. No more insomnia stress.
Kind of a similar pattern with afternoon siestas in more temperate climes.
This is why it’s called “midnight” – that’s the time when people are up after the first sleep but before the second one. This was the norm across all cultures before the electric light extended “day” until we could no longer stay awake.
Pennsylvania Dutch eggnog
I miss my Pennsylvania Dutch treats, especially Shoo fly.
Thanks to this Lil Rona Panic, I haven’t been to Pennsylvania since the lockdowns started. I haven’t restocked. Which, given my attempts to get my weight down, is probably a good thing.
Speaking of nog… is it safe to make it with regular eggs? My research said used pasteurized eggs but I feel too lazy to look for that I want nog now.
It’s safer than Covid.
I still lick the bowl after making cake or sweetbreads.
Pillsbury made their fridge cookie dough so you could eat it straight out of the package, as people have been doing since time immemorial.
I hear it’s now disgusting.
Yes, not the greatest. The texture is what got to me.
/not usually a cookie dough eater, but I was curious when the wife brought it home
There’s a risk with regular eggs, but if you’re not elderly, young, or immune-compromised, you should be fine.
All right, I’m gonna dive in and make the Cajun Nog that someone linked. Wish me luck and nice knowing everyone.
That was me. Hope you like it. Recipe for anyone else who wants to try it.
I’m using Grand Marnier because that’s what I have. Seems to work nicely. Either that or I’m getting drunk.
Mmm… boozy.
That sounds wonderful. Sadly, it’s beyond my reach until retirement.
In the now times I crash around 11pm and do exactly what you describe except for only a half-hour or so around 3am because I have to be up around 7 if I want to be at all functional by 8 when I’m sort of supposed to be working.
But yeah, I haven’t slept more than 4 hours straight in at least a year. And when I wake at 3am or whatever, I’m like totally awake.
I should add that I also require an afternoon siesta – much easier now that I’m WFH.
Same here, Hype. In bed by 10:30 or 11:00. Wide awake at 3:30. Up for 2-3 hours then back to bed.
I’ve read a bit about 2nd sleep. Like you, I’ve read that it used to be quite common. Probably an evolutionary thing where some of us would wake up to keep watch.
In the past, some people used those hours between 1st and 2nd sleep to do something productive. Sadly, not me.
Levon Helm is so cool he overwhelmed Marty’s Robbie Robertson friendship, Van Morrison giving a shit, and cocaine nostrils.
“The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” is an excellent song.
How long befor youtube yanks it?
Enjoy it while you can.
Buy physical media while you can.
I know I’m known around here as Clowny McBighogfunnyguyface, but…
Blu-Ray, DVD, CD, – they can’t erase those. Invest, people!
Merry Christmas / Happy Hanukkah / Groovy Kwanza / Fantastic Festivus to everyone.
I hope the fat pervert in the red suit gives you all what you deserve.
Merry Christmas!
Twas the night before Titsmas and all through the bra…
https://archive.li/EjlBH
#3 looks like she’s going to kill someone.
#6 – I’m not a big fan of tattoos, but I’d overlook them for her.
#13 is porn star Ava Addams.
#15 is alluring.
#20 – Yes. More please.
#25 – Face diaper. And I’m done.
Chills. And tears. I can’t help it.
I get a similar reaction from Charles-Marie Widor’s tocatta from his 5th symphony for organ.
The piece is a traditional wedding recessional in Europe, whereas Mendelssohn’s Wedding March is almost universally played in the states.
I’ve been to Midnight Mass at that cathedral – very impressive.
And yeah – organ music gives me chills.
And yeah – organ music gives me chills.
Largest instrument for you.
At Macy’s?! Wow, I had no idea.
I grew up near Philly… but never actually went there.
/hides in shame
Beautiful!
I don’t think the Wedding March is used much anymore. People got tired of it.
What *I* am tired of is Pachelbel’s Canon for a processional.
When I write a wedding, I reference all sorts of different things that are important to the story. One wedding’s processional was “Sing a Song” by the Carpenters and the recessional was “Copacabana” by Barry Manilow. Another wedding’s processional was “Ecce gratum” from Carmina Burana and the recessional was “New World Man.” I used “Coming Around Again” by Carly Simon as the music for the first dance for a third wedding.
Just in case you haven’t seen it…
Pachelbel rant.
I call it Taco Bell Canyon to wind the wife up.
The one that I’m sick of is Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring by Bach.
I got so tired of playing it (I made pocket money as a wedding organist when I was a yute) that I forbade it at my own wedding. I get that it’s a classic and that it’s been around for 300 years. I’m just over it.
Of course, the organist didn’t listen to me, so I’m waiting for the festivities to begin in a small room attached to the church sanctuary when I hear the familiar refrain. My buddies convinced me that it would be unseemly in the extreme to go out and slap the bejeebers out of the organist.
Also, the organist didn’t know or couldn’t play Widor’s toccata. Wagner / Mendelssohn it was for us.
Do you mean to say the organist didn’t respect your wishes at YOUR wedding?
To be fair, my fiance and her mother were putting on a wedding. I was just getting married. The only things required of me were
a) show up on time
b) be sober
The bride asked me for a setlist, I put one together, and the organist probably glanced at it, shrugged her shoulders, and played what she usually played for a wedding.
Every wedding has a few minor hiccups that seem big at the time, but aren’t.
Besides, that was twenty-six years ago.
For years afterward, though, my catty mother would remind us that her wedding was a huge affair in town, with a live band and everything. That finally stopped when I pointed out to Mom that my marriage had lasted ten times as long as both of hers combined.
What a gorgeous bride!
I refused to have Pachelbel played at mine, because the year before we’d been to THREE weddings that used Canon in D. So overplayed. Though tbh I’d have to actually look at the program to know what the music was for the ceremony, because i don’t remember.
I do remember our arrival to the reception was the awards ceremony music from Star Wars. Which was great because my husband’s very staid and mostly old family had no clue, but all the younger people thought it was great. Good start to the party!
and then, hilariously, one of my friends later tried to do the same piece for her recessional but the DJ fucked it up and played the Imperial March instead.
Been there – music makes me very emotional. Not specifically this piece but it happens.
Mojeaux? Tres? We saved you a seat.
Can’t. Sadly, I am working.
Did anyone else go to a memorial service for the victims of the Nakatomi Plaza massacre?
I drove past. It was very solemn there – all white flowers this year. But I think, sadly, it’s fading as a remembrace, and there was a rumor the BLM protests had broken some windows? I heard Fox of all things is going to take over the building just because the studio is nearby. you’d think the Blue Team would object about Literally Hitler’s people taking over one of our most somber sites but no. At least they didn’t drag McLane out of retirement for another speech this year – thank the ‘vid for small favors.
Thank you for this. I was starting to think no one would get it.
It’s funny to think about what it’d be like if it had happened for real. Would it even be remembered today?
It’d probably still have been a movie I bet
Don’t know why you couldn’t connect Festus. Hope you try again.
Autocorrect changed it to Festud the other day.
Do you have the latest Zoom
No.
I blame Trudeau.
This is a good default position.
Finished gift construction. I can engineer drunk.
I thought that was a requirement for being an engineer to begin with.
Can confirm.
Ditto.
Link is in the afternoon links
Where’s Samus?
I’m watching A Christmas Story on TBS, sort of a family tradition here. One of our cats is named Farkus after the bully in the film (she, like Scut Farkus, has yellow eyes).
Fun fact: Farkas is the most common Hungarian surname, and means “wolf.” When you see Scut Farkus in the film, the French horn part from Prokofiev’s Peter and the Wolf plays. The French horn is the “wolf” instrument in the piece.
For most of her life, Farkus has lived in our guest bedroom like a wee furry spinster aunt, only emerging to eat and poop, glaring at me whenever she spied me like I owed her money. Any attempts by me to pet her outside of “her” room would result in a squeak of outrage just before the beast would dart away like a goosed nun.
For a few weeks every year, though, she emerges from her hermitage and camps out under our tree, the better to disapprove of us.
lol mean lookin kitty
Awwww! Makes me wonder if there’s something about black cats and Christmas trees.
Old Lady Black Cat liked hanging out under the Christmas tree. New Boy Black Cat does not.
Newest Cat Grady (not black,) the one I’d have expected to try to climb the tree and knock it over, pretty much ignores it. #bulletdodged
It’s nice she gets in the spirit of the season.
LOL that made me laugh.
Merry Christmas, all you reprobates
Merry Christmas, DJ!
Denver! Where have you been?
Colorado?
Merry Christmas Best Coasters!
Merry Christmas to you and the rest of us trapped here in Southern British Columbia.
There are fireworks going off nearby. If there’s one thing 2020 has brought it’s fireworks for every. thing
Netflix lists “Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark”. No, no, no. Stop trying to rewrite history. Star Wars. Empire Strikes Back. Return of the Jedi. No Star Wars XXIV.
04.30h cookie bakin’ cold in effect.
Overnight Zoom call…..total drunken sausage party. I told Festus that thing would never fit w/o lube, but its not like he’s going to listen to an American. Oh well- at least he didnt break his TV.
Merry Christmas!
Mojeaux on December 24, 2020 at 7:29 pm
I wanna be free!
You know who else wanted to be free ?
+2 shoop
I want to be free to know the things I do are right
This guy wanted to be free too.
Frohe Weihnachten y’all!
Up early this morning to bake croissants and pain au chocolat for the wife and our neighbors. Blasted things have to rise for 2 hours prior to baking, so if they are to be ready by the time the wife wakes up, I have to be up extra early…
I did a brisket yesterday, so while I rotate sheets of cookies in/out Ill have some brisket with runny fried AIGS and….beer.
I see a nap in my near future.
Beef Wellington tonight. We’ll see how I do.
Wifey is a whirling dervish of anger and recriminations. Incredible what a six-pack + of Corona will do. Merry fucking Christmas. Looks like a lone, lorn Xmas for me once again.
Think I’ll sober up a bit and go to work. Why waste a day?
Sorry, Fes. : (
Merry Christmas anyway.
Same to you. I don’t know what went wrong. I feel cryey. Xmas never meant much to me since I was in diapers and now I hate it even more.
::sends a virtual hug across the miles::
::virtual hug accepted:: I was even going to break with tradition and actually attend the Xmas gathering out at the farm. Nope.
So your titties aren’t calm?
My titties are the Sea of Cortez.
I haven’t really lost my temper for a very long time. Decades, even.
Welcome, Christmas.
Christmas Day will always be
Just as long as we have we.
Two more cloudbursts since. Just gotta hunker down and wait for the storm to pass. Did I mention how much that I loathe this holiday?
I feel ya, brother. I’m pretty much estranged from my immediately family and that fact is magnified around the holidays. So, this is always a lonely day for me. Nothing but bad feelings and self loathing.
I’ll keep ya company for a bit.
*hits breakfast bowl*
Cheers!
*raises short can*
I’m always glad when the holidays are over, too, Son. They are lonely times and as a kid growing up in austere times were not that great. I tried to compensate with my own kids but of course they grow up and leave.
After New Year’s I’m thinking spring and earthly rejuvenation and the gods begin to smile upon us again.
Thanks, 4XX. It’s just a tough bit of gristle. I’ll wear it down.
Welcome to another Christmas song
On this side of the planet Christmas is over.
Due to the schools trying to catch up with time lost to Covid both my kids were in school today. That just seemed wrong but I guess that’s just coming from this Gaijin’s perspective.
Our kids were happy with their presents even if the quantity was not up to past standards.
So having the place to myself I started a brisket on the Weber this morning. With that done and resting in the afternoon I roasted a turkey breast and two turkey drumsticks. Those came out so good there was lots of leftovers from the other stuff I cooked.
Overall it was a good Christmas even if a bit hurried. Things will be slow for the rest of the year so it’s all good.
Merry Christmas, Teji! Would schools normally have closed for Christmas in Japan?
Normally the winter break starts at least a week before Christmas so schools have always been out on Christmas as long as I’ve been here.
Sorry – Merry Christmas to you too!
No KFC?
I’m not related to anybody who is even THAT Japanese.
We had KFC for dinner. Not (((Japanese))) either:)