Return of Messiah Close at Hand, Say Leading Joe Frum Shamans

by | Dec 22, 2020 | Satire | 304 comments

TANNA – “We’re all in this together and we all need to do our part to maintain the bamboo cargo planes and salute the flag when High Priest Bokonon blows the conch to sound reveille” said Chief Hato Ni Foji , the island’s top Frumologist. “We all must trust the shamans” he added as he smoothed the wrinkles from his handmade kaki uniform.

In contrast, a minority of islanders have expressed skepticism, with most saying that while they do not doubt that Frum did in fact visit the island long ago and brought much cargo, there could be another explanation for what happened. “I mean, I understand why people take it so seriously. I’ve seen some of the old leftover cargo myself. My grandfather showed it to me” said villager Udre Udre. “But it’s a great deal of work to build the runway, the planes, the control tower, making all the uniforms – it never ends. How long are we going to keep doing this? It will all be a waste if Frum never returns. If he was just a man, he’d be dead by now.” added Udre Udre.

Villagers like Udre Udre have become an increasingly vocal minority on the island, with tensions sometimes boiling over into conflict. “A friend of mine got smacked around for not standing at attention and saluting when reveille was sounded. I was like, chill guys, he was in a hurry and he’s already saluted the flag countless times” said Udre Udre.

High Priest Bokonon offered his thoughts on the conundrum. “Better safe than sorry, the old saying goes. Sure, it’s possible that Frum will never return, but what if we stop everything and he returns the very next day? We’d feel really stupid, that’s for sure” said Bokonon as he counted his coconut and fish alms donated by everyone on the island. “We just can’t afford to take that chance. Certainly not as long as me and my son are alive” added Bokonon as he laydown on his hammock.

“If anything, frontline Frum workers like me deserve even more for all the sacrifices we make. Is it really too much to ask for a young maiden to fan me with a palm frond while I contemplate in my hammock. Contemplation is a lot harder than it looks, let me tell you. It’s why I have such an enormous appetite.” Bokonon then excused himself to give his son a private lesson on Frumology.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

304 Comments

  1. westernsloper

    Wuts a Frumologist?

    • westernsloper

      On second reading disregard that comment. Udre Udre 2024!

    • Ted S.

      Someone who believes in David Frum.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        To think that malicious moron has a constituency saddens me.

  2. westernsloper

    Derp? You still off the sauce? Because Damn.

  3. Urthona

    Obligatory remark about what is written above.

    • Ted S.

      Nope. Not a first.

  4. Urthona

    TV review: The Wilds

    I recently watched the tv show “the Wilds” and I have a few beefs with it.

    1) The “male gaze” wasn’t prominent enough. All tv characters should be presented to the audience as it would matter to a male heterosexual perspective. Who cares otherwise?

    2) There will several times during an episode where only female characters spoke to one another about matters that didn’t involve a man. Snore…… Fast forward.

    3) These women were occasionally able to solve problems without prolonged catfights. There was also sometimes logical decision-making rather than crazy decision making due to a heightened overemotional state from menstruation. Yeah right. Not buying it.

    Other than those issues it was ok.

    • LemonGrenade

      Strangely, my husband enjoyed watching it with me despite those obvious flaws. I think it might have been due to the opportunity it afforded him to criticize their survival skills, but mostly it was entertaining. I liked their villain.

  5. DEG

    Bokonon as he counted his coconut and fish alms donated by everyone on the island.

    If by “donated” you mean…..

  6. Urthona

    TV review: Ted Lasso

    This sounded like the lamest premise ever. Yeah this the one where the American football coach goes to the English Premiere League to coach what is only properly referred to as soccer.

    Yet this show totally rocked my face off.

    The setup was quite the stretch. Owner’s reason? Kinda like Major League. His reason: marital problems that requires some distance.

    Yes, the show is full of cliched British and American stereotypes.

    But the characters are well drawn, the writing is clever, and you even start to recognize our heroes’ true interpersonal genius as time goes on.

    This show has real heart too.

  7. Urthona

    lol. Trump vetoed the stimulus.

    Although it’s veto proof, this should give Congress ample time to have read it and be 100% accountable for its contents.

    I’m gonna miss that guy.

    • westernsloper

      Did he veto it or threaten to?

      • Urthona

        oh my bad. he just threatened to.

        I got all excited.

      • rhywun

        Fuck. Me too.

      • Urthona

        I do feel bad for all those this slow walk is hurting.

        Like the Egyptian and Sudanese ruling class.

        And to a lesser extent the American people.

      • DEG

        It depends on the news outlet.

        CNBC says he did not threaten to veto. WaPo hints that he might veto.

  8. blackjack

    I failed the covid test. Negative. I should have prolly studied. Now, I gotta see if I have to pay for my time off with sick pay. They told us not to come to work with symptoms and I have loss of sense of taste and smell and some congestion. I still don’t trust the results, because I’ve never lost my sense of taste before. Oh well.

    • Urthona

      Take it again. Eventually you’ll pass.

      • But Enough About My "Essential Retiree" Status

        Just get ’em to crank the cycles up on that PCR test. Sooner or later a glass of distilled water would be able to pass it.

    • Crusty Juggler

      False negative!!!!

    • westernsloper

      I have lost my sense of taste and smell back in the day. It was called a cold.

      • Urthona

        In this case it’s probably Super HIV. I’m only a doctor of education but it’s my best guess.

      • blackjack

        I’ve never been accused of having a lot of taste, except for food. I’ve never had a loss of senses before. Either way, it causes me to fail the mandatory reporting app, at work. I was instructed to report the failing grade and work anyway, so that’s what I’ll do.

      • Urthona

        Do you find yourself suddenly tolerating Wham’s Last Christmas?

        If so, you’re likely suffering from a severe taste degradation.

      • blackjack

        That would require massive intoxication. It’s really strange how only some spices make it through when I eat pizza, though. Other than that, it’s just textures and temperature.

      • westernsloper

        I get it. But when I have been really stuffed up with nasal magma I could never taste or smell. Maybe it is a thing for those of us living where everyone gets a stupid bad cold every now and then. Dealt with it my whole life when I lived in this climate. This is why I am coming around to this virus is an engineered thing. Some get symptoms, some don’t, but it kills off old people no prob. This is not a usual thing.

      • LemonGrenade

        PBS even did an episode about it with Curious George. George lost his sense of smell and taste due to a head cold, and severely oversalted the chef’s food as a result; hijinks and a life lesson ensued.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Congratulations?!

      Carrying over the related sick time discussion- the only things I don’t like about mixing sick and vacation time is there’s pressure to reduce the combined total (of course there would be that anyways) and some will burn through both, then come in to work sick because they’re out of time.

      Confession: I’ve called in sick to take time off. My most egregious case was when I called in sick from Tokyo two days in a row because I was out of vacation time.

    • Q Continuum

      I don’t know this guy but I love him.

      • westernsloper

        Followed. People here trash twitter but I get laughs, information/news and the occasional ask for a prayer for their situation from my twitter feed. Twitter is what you make it.

      • Crusty Juggler

        It’s complete garbage and mostly useless but yes it is what you make it.

        Follow a few people who make you laugh or think or are interesting, avoid the rest.

        And, as always, care about nothing.

      • westernsloper

        There is no doubt it is useless. So is the majority of my life. What is your point?

      • Crusty Juggler

        I love you and I want you inside me.

      • Tres Cool

        That sentiment + “its OK, Im on the pill” is why I have 13 year old Tres Ver. 2.0

      • Crusty Juggler

        “look at me, I’m Tres Cool, I have invincible cum!”

    • blackjack

      Our asshole school district is cancelling next year too. Because kids should keep doing this ridiculous zoom bullshit. Those teachers sure love having a mute button and the ability to conduct class from home. They are going to end up being the most hated government employees. We have to have a parent home all day, no matter what now. That’s gonna leave a mark. Especially after they negotiated a sweet raise just months before the plague struck.

      • westernsloper

        If a parent has to be at home why even bother with the school? My understanding is the homeschooling material out there now is probably better than the grifters content.

      • blackjack

        Yes, but that’s committing to this being forever. I’d like for my kid to have an expected activity where he learns to get along with others and with the rat fuckers who run the place. That’s the real lesson in public school. Besides, I’d really like it if my wife would start making money again.

      • KSuellington

        You can homeschool for as long or as little as you like. Surprisingly the paperwork is super easy in California, you basically just send them in a form telling them you are now your own school. You can restart with the district whenever they get off their asses and back to classrooms.

      • Mojeaux

        Besides, I’d really like it if my wife would start making money again.

        Underrated comment.

      • Chafed

        JFC that’s an early announcement. What’s their publicly stated reason.

    • mrfamous

      Reply

      “Don’t talk bad about teachers until you’ve lived a day in their shoes. Many of them are forced to use their own money to pay for chalk, condoms, pencils and other things they use in the classroom.”

  9. Fourscore

    Looks to me like this feller, Bokonon , could use an assistant, a sort of right hand man, not an advisor as such but someone with a good bit of experience. I’m pretty busy this time of year but I could adjust my schedule a little and help a fellow traveler out. Sort of an social obligation I owe. Any way you could get in touch with him, Derp, and let him know I’m available?

  10. Scruffy Nerfherder

    The Expanse Season 5 is firing on all cylinders. Season 4 was a bit of a drag, but they seem to have corrected their burn vector.

    • Urthona

      Trying to decide if I should watch it tonight or let it queue.

    • rhywun

      Cool.

      Still have to watch S04.

    • Crusty Juggler

      If season 4 is worth getting through for 5 I am back in.

    • Not Adahn

      I like it so far, but I was really hoping for a season without Alien Magic.

  11. Sean

    Falconry today was awesome.

    Horseback riding was just ok.

    Yesterday, the utv riding was the longest, fastest, and muddiest I’ve been on. WV guys don’t play around.

    Tomorrow we leave. *sigh*

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Are you filming the remake of Ladyhawke?

      • Sean

        Ladyhawke 2020: Covid chronicles.

      • rhywun

        You can’t remake perfection.

        /JK, but I do like that move.

      • rhywun

        Or, movie.

      • Mojeaux

        The dated and unutterably awful soundtrack ruins it.

      • Mojeaux

        Rude.

      • MikeS

        I actually listened to all 2:35 of it…while laughing and eye-rolling at the commenters who loved it.

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

        20 seconds. You are the Debbil!

    • Urthona

      Be sure to take pictures of the costume you wore to the Renaissance fair.

      • Sean

        There was some glass blowing the other day…

      • pistoffnick

        I bet you were blowing something, alright!

      • Crusty Juggler

        The exposed, heaving cleavage of a zaftig wench?

      • Urthona

        please tell me you had the giant turkey leg so i can live vicariously though you.

    • Crusty Juggler

      “Falconry today was awesome?”

      Really?

    • DEG

      Sounds like a good trip.

      • Sean

        My poor Amex card.

        This might be our last vacation before the government runs our economy straight to Venezuela.

        It’s been the most normal feeling since March, and you can’t put a price tag on that.

      • mrfamous

        I gotta get my plans straight for a trip some time in May. Unless they impeach DeSantis, it looks like Florida somewhere…

      • Tulip

        I just booked next Christmas. I like Florida in December.

      • KSuellington

        Mexico and Croatia are also open to US travelers. We are about to book a trip down to a small town on the Sea of Cortez in June.

      • C. Anacreon

        Croatia is awesome. We were there in September 2019 and we’d go again in a heartbeat.

        Can’t believe that was our last real trip. Damn, this year has sucked.

      • KSuellington

        I also loved Croatia. We attempted a bike ride one time from Amsterdam to Istanbul. By the time we had gotten near the German/Czech border we had been pissed rained on for ten days straight with more rain in the forecast. We decided to take a train to Italy and we continued there, through Slovenia and we biked the entire Croatian coast including a couple islands down camping down to Dubrovnik, where the skies opened again and it pissed for another week. That was one incredible coast, would love to go back. Hope you get to do your safari next year Doc.

    • slumbrew

      JFC, you’re killing me with the Greenbrier updates. All this, and more, were to be mine this past July.

      *kicks rock*

      • Sean

        Sorry dude.

        They’re cutting back some staff going in to the new year and closing down some smaller restaurants. They’re already down 60 J1 restaurant staffers due to Covid and immigration issues.

  12. westernsloper

    Beans and rice casserole done. Have a great night all, and thanks for the post derp.

    • The Hyperbole

      You can’t fool me there’s no such thing as post derp.

  13. hayeksplosives

    Deep is the gift that keeps on giving.

    I had just finished watching Rand Paul’s speech on the deficit spending (now with bonus COVID-19 stupid spending!). Then came here and read this post.

    To the charge of two counts of Glib Shitlady manifestation, I plead guilty as charged.

    • hayeksplosives

      Derp not Deep.

      Sigh…

      • Crusty Juggler

        Been there, girlfriend.

  14. Tulip

    Lots of Californians and Michiganders here. Loudly complaining about people who are afraid of the virus.

  15. pistoffnick

    WHAT IS GOING ON? EVERYTHING I TOUCH TURNS TO SHIT!

    My desktop computer died 2 weeks ago (my 1 TB porn collection seems to be lost)
    The washing machine gained the ability to walk last week. It served us well for 19 years, but I won’t stand for semi-sentient appliances. Replaced with another Whirlpool – though this one was $200 more expensive than the last one. Can you say inflation?
    We got new carpet installed today. What kind of fool installs white carpet in Minnesoda where it is muddy at least 6 months? The new stuff should hide the dirt better. And the dog is no longer a puppy. Dude showed up 1 hour late.
    In the process of moving everything for carpet installation, we seem to have popped one half of our Sleep Number mattress. I guess I have to buy a new mattress

    NOT TOUCHING ANYTHING ELSE (except for my dick) !

    • hayeksplosives

      I’m surprised you’d chance even touching your Willy.

      • pistoffnick

        Twice a day whether I need it or not!

        Keeps the pipes clean.

      • Sean

        It’s mine and I’ll wash it as hard as I want.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        “Oh God! Oh God! What happened?? IT’S… IT’S… IT’S A TURD!!”

        *frantic screaming*

      • hayeksplosives

        Right?! That’s what I thought immediately upon reading that everything he touches turns to shit.

        Eww.

    • pistoffnick

      And the sump pump died FML

    • slumbrew

      The buried lede: you still have a “porn collection”? You don’t stream it like a normal person?

      Now I have questions.

      Primarily: what sort of depraved crap did you have that isn’t easily available via streaming? Do I even want to know?

  16. Tres Cool

    I’m off to work, kids. Don’t tear the place apart.

    Ill just play myself offstage with this number.

    • blackjack

      Imma call this new move a “reverse Brochetta” It’s like loudly proclaiming ” LAST!” I like it.

    • pistoffnick

      “Things go better with rock”

      Yes, yes they do.

      • Chafed

        ?

    • rhywun

      LOL that’s not dated at all.

      PS. Def Leppard called…

      • The Hyperbole

        Autograph: (prank calls Def Leppard)
        Def Leppard: If this is anyone other than Slade, you’re stealing my bit!

  17. Trigger Hippie

    ‘…what if we stop everything and he returns the very next day? We’d feel really stupid, that’s for sure” said Bokonon…’

    Yes! Tis better to feel like a stupid suckered bitch all day, everyday, than to feel REALLY stupid that one hypothetical day.

    Precautionary Principle, for the fail!

  18. LJW

    So Trump wants $2000 for each adult… Whatever just send me the money so I have something to wipe my ass with when everything goes to shit.

    • Trigger Hippie

      Okay, slightly guilty, okay more than slightly guilty confession time: As many of you are aware here, both from my posts and from your bank statements, a few months ago I basically had a nervous breakdown and after storming the worst of it I found myself in financial dire straights. So, with deep shame, I asked for help here. The amount I asked for was met and then tripled afterwards because you people fucking rock and I’ll never forget that for as long as I live…that being said, I could have possibly avoided asking for it if I had ever cashed a stimulus check. I haven’t done so since W issued one around 2006 or so. I could have, and I understand that that the money is already spent one way or the other but I can’t bring myself to do it. It isn’t voluntarily. I hold no resentment towards anyone who read my weak ass plea for help and thought “Tough titty, bitch. Be a stronger person”. I completely understand. But if nothing else, I won’t burden myself on people against their will. It’s a small point of pride, I know but, I don’t have a whole hell of a lot else.

      If you feel cheated or deceived over that, I’m truly sorry and I’ll be more than happy to compensate you for your gift. I’m pretty damn close to being stable again.

      • Q Continuum

        Why would we feel cheated?

        Voluntary help != “redistributed” tax money.

      • Suthenboy

        I was exhausted and went to lay down at 5:30 yesterday evening. I am sorry I missed this post.

        I do not feel cheated or deceived. Do not feel guilty.
        Stand up straight, keep your chin up.
        We are all born the same Trigger – naked and screaming our head off then we try to figure out what the hell is going on around here. At one point or other we all need a hand up. I wouldn’t be here if others had not given me one on more than one occasion.

        Keep posting. We appreciate you.

  19. UnCivilServant

    *grumble*

    My phone is only six years old and it’s already having battery issues?!

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      You got one where you can replace the battery, right?

      • UnCivilServant

        They apparently stopped making batteries for it.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m going through the software fixes. Right now I’m seeing if the problem persists in safe mode.

      • The Hyperbole

        Just buy a ‘close enough’ battery and retrofit it, put those kitbashing skills to work.

      • UnCivilServant

        There is such a thing as ‘sunk costs’, and there is a point where chasing more problems isn’t worth it. I haven’t exhausted the options at the moment, but that’s past the point of “just replace the darn thing”

      • But Enough About My "Essential Retiree" Status

        Well, of course they have.

        No sweat. You can’t even open my phone to replace the battery once the current one kicks it. Fuckin’ Samsung.

    • UnCivilServant

      Well, the problem persisted with safe mode. I’m 90% sure the phone is done for. I can salvage my data because it will boot when plugged in, but it’s lost its utility as a cell phone.

      Any recommendations on a spyware device? I’ve already ruled out iPhone and Pixel

      • straffinrun

        A really loud voice?

      • UnCivilServant

        My preferences are a device where I can turn off all the useless “features” I don’t use to reduce the data being collected and maximize time per battery charge. I routinely got four days a charge for six years on my recently dead phone.

      • Chafed

        Jitterbug.

      • Chafed

        That better not be what I think it is.

      • Chafed

        And of course it is. Khaaaaaaaaan!

      • MikeS

        And just like that…WHAM!

      • R C Dean

        Pine phone?

      • Not Adahn

        Blackberries are awesome.

  20. Chafed

    Frumologist is a great turn of a phrase. Well done Derpe.

    I’m pretty certain I’m missing a joke in chief’s name but that’s on me.

    • straffinrun

      I’m guessing one of them is a play on Bakunin.

      • Chafed

        Pretend you’re explaining it to a child.

      • Chafed

        Thanks. I never heard of him before.

      • Chafed

        Good sleuthing.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Google is my brain.

        I sort of remembered Frum from reading about cargo cults (and someone mentioned the name recently which jogged my memory). Ice Nine is all I recall of Cats Cradle. Handicapper General and the bombing of Dresden rounds out my Vonnegut.

      • UnCivilServant

        All I remember from Cat’s Cradle is that I don’t want to read Vonnegut.

  21. straffinrun

    Ever notice how “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” makes him sound like a total psycho?

  22. straffinrun

    This a “Waiting for Godot” remake? Absurdly fun.

  23. Chafed

    Post-election Trump is wearing thin. He pardoned Duncan Hunter today. That shitbird got a light sentence and now he won’t serve a day.

    Then I heard he is going to veto the spending bill because he wants larger checks issued. That’s insane.

    If this is 34D chess then I tip my hat to him. I don’t follow logic at all.

    • UnCivilServant

      A veto should come with a statement “Cut the pork”.

      • Mojeaux

        It did.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Christ. Of all the people out there deserving of pardons. All of the names tossed around here. Hell, Martha Stewart for another.

      • Gustave Lytton

        What are the odds newly pardoned Duncan runs for office again to reclaim the family seat?

      • Chafed

        Pretty low. He was nearly untouchable before he was indicted. He was widely shunned afterward.

      • straffinrun

        Looked up Duncan Hunter. OFFS.

      • Chafed

        Look up his dad for extra fun.

      • MikeS

        Judging by his “Parents Empowerment Act”, I’m gonna guess his porn collection dwarfs pistoffnick’s.

      • KSuellington

        Yep, of all the people he could pardon, that dude definitely sounds like he richly deserved ten months in jail. In some ways it will be good to be rid of Trump. He only has been good on a handful of issues, and although it was fun to watch him troll the left his act wore thin after the last year of shit. I am give him a D+ in his handling of the cornonpanic, and mostly because he hired shitty people and couldn’t keep his foot out of his mouth along with not going harder after the governors that were shutting down. Shit, his banning of flights from China and then Europe partially set the stage for the shutdowns, and from then on the Dems were gonna milk it hard. If there are any half bright and ambitious young Team Reds they would take a few of his methods and tactics that worked and drop the utter raging asshole bit and work the charm and self deprecating humor more.

      • Chafed

        Agreed. I held my nose and voted for him. Now I’m glad to see him go. Biden & Co. are going to be terrible but it’s their turn.

      • KSuellington

        I’m well into middle aged and this was the first Team Red vote for President I ever made, even though I didn’t like doing it. Almost every President vote I’ve made has been third party or write in, I voted for Hunter Thompson during Bush/Gore I think. Even though I have money on Biden getting pushed out by Harris by mid terms, I want to see him zombie walk through the last year of his term and be defeated soundly.

      • Q Continuum

        My issue is: what does “red state” vs. “blue state” even mean anymore? I mean, the fraud was apparently so widespread and blatant that who knows what the politics of each place is anymore? Sure, Cali is Dem, but is it really as Dem as we all think it is on the whole? Take CO; Herself beat Trump by something like 3 points last time around and Gardner beat an *incumbent* Dem by 4 two years before that. Fast-forward to 2020, Biden wins by 11 and Dickinpooper by 9? That’s a little hard for me to swallow without fraud. Biden and Hickey probably would have won, but the margins are difficult to believe.

      • Chafed

        TDS is very powerful. It was visceral hatred that won this election for Team Blue.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        We’re seeing those shifts across the board. Frankly, it’s believable only in the fact that CA and NY have been dumping smallpox blankets into a lot of the flyover states. I see more CA license plates here in North TX than I see OK plates. The disease of progressivism will spread and it will be the undoing of this country. The only thing at question is the timeline of the collapse.

      • Chipwooder

        Supposedly the transplants in Texas aren’t the ones shifting left, it’s the natives. Doesn’t sound plausible to me but they claim there’s data.

      • Plinker762

        The second wave in North Idaho is much worse than the first. The Californians are buying houses in the more remote areas now.

      • Gustave Lytton

        There’s also four more years of indoctrinated kids being dumped onto the voter rolls. That’s all over, including in deep red states.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Supposedly the transplants in Texas aren’t the ones shifting left, it’s the natives.

        I wouldn’t be shocked if the younger native Texans were shifting left, but it’s the very Californian areas that have flipped, so color me highly skeptical.

      • Plinker762

        As to the natives comment, I agree they are also part of the problem. Grew up in northern NH which was conservative. Both sisters still live there. One is hardcore progressive and the other is a Democrat.

      • KSuellington

        I don’t know if you can lay the blame at Californication. Foreign immigration, cultural change, the leftist takeover of media and the institutions, and generational demographics play massive parts.

      • Q Continuum

        “leftist takeover of media and the institutions”

        I think this is probably the biggest driver in cultural shift; but I come back to, how the fuck do we know what the real numbers are?

        I agree that public schools turning into Leftist madrassas will certainly drive teh yootz left, but after seeing what transpired with the 2020 election, I’m extremely skeptical of any Cook PVI or poll data.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        after seeing what transpired with the 2020 election, I’m extremely skeptical of any Cook PVI or poll data

        This. The cultural shift is happening, but velocity and location is nearly impossible to measure In a trustworthy way given our institutions.

      • Plinker762

        The polls are all fake. There has definitely been a dropping of the veil neutrality of social media.

      • Gadfly

        I agree that public schools turning into Leftist madrassas will certainly drive teh yootz left

        An interesting thing to note is that the trope of people getting more conservative with age still seems to hold. According to exit polls, in 2008 the 18-29 yo demographic voted 66D/32R, while in 2020 the 30-44 yo demographic (basically the same age group) voted 52D/46R. While there are surely a lot of folks in that group who voted in 2020 but didn’t vote when they were younger in 2008, there are also a large group of people who voted for Obama when wet behind the ears youngsters and then voted for Trump after having experienced more of the real world.

      • slumbrew

        Judges were good, I guess? That has some long-term impact.

      • Chafed

        That was one of his achievements.

      • Gustave Lytton

        We’ll see as time goes on. Souter, Roberts, and Richard Posner were all Republican appointees.

      • Chafed

        Richard Posner was generally good, IMO, until near the end of his career. Souter screwed Bush. Roberts has always been a statist. Bush, Jr. screwed the pooch with that nomination.

      • Q Continuum

        “D+ in his handling of the cornonpanic”

        No kidding. If he had just said “This is a slightly more dangerous virus than a flu bug so we need to be careful. However, Americans are resilient and tough, we can take care of ourselves and we’re not going to let fear take over.”

        The media would have gnashed their teeth and called him the Antichrist… just like they did anyway. And people would have gone about their lives none the wiser.

        Instead we ruined the economy and gave the states unlimited power that they’ll never give back.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        He did exactly that and it was untenable. That’s why the governors took over and started locking down.

        Not saying he did a good job, but he was stuck between a rock and a derp place on covid.

      • KSuellington

        He was indeed between a rock and a derp place, but I think that when he shut down flights from China and Europe (a brilliant move, unbelievable really, just tremendous) that gave the guvs the cover to start shutting everything else down. It may have still happened, but I think to a lesser degree. His shutting down the flights also didn’t do very much as it was already well spread by that point.

      • KSuellington

        Yes, he was just getting off a sham impeachment so I will cut him some slight bit of slack. But he should have gotten in front and kept with the calm message instead of what was done. And he should have done more to keep the states from infringing on basic rights.

      • Plinker762

        And the states would have still locked down to save us from the do nothing OMB.

      • Chafed

        Then he could have had DOJ go after them for constitutional violations like closing churches but not big box stores.

      • KSuellington

        Pretty sure that sweet tat played a part in her longing for him.

      • Chafed

        What did I say. Seriously, I have no idea what this references.

      • slumbrew

        heart wallet.

    • slumbrew

      Is that Mrs. Q you’ve been posting?

      • Q Continuum

        I can neither confirm nor deny the identity of the individual in question.

      • slumbrew

        I’ll say “damn”, if only because that in no way appears to be someone who popped out another human a few weeks ago.

      • Q Continuum

        Human is still baking for another 1.5 months, these pics are from the before time.

      • slumbrew

        Ah, thought we had hit full bake already – confused you with another glib, apparently. Still, mazel.

      • Q Continuum

        Thx dood.

      • Chafed

        That’s what I said the other night!

      • Q Continuum

        Refer to my previous comment about throbbing heart etc.

      • Chafed

        Thanks. Sometimes I need the answer spoon fed to me. Or breast fed. Whatever works.

    • Q Continuum

      ComradeFlute?

      LOLOL

    • Q Continuum

      Crazy:Hot ratio way too high.

    • slumbrew

      You misspelled ‘cuck’.

      (actually appropriate, for once).

    • Chafed

      Dumbest man alive or fictional letter? You decide.

    • Chafed

      You’re right. This is idiotic. Viruses mutate. They always have. And not a word in the article about the relative lethality of the new strain.

    • Sean

      I’ve been riding elevators with strangers.

      I’ll be dead in a week.

      *Narrator: “He won’t”

      • UnCivilServant

        You should have been rioting mostly peacefully protesting in those elevators, you’d be just fine then.

  24. Plinker762

    Lol, today was my birthday and I keep writing the wrong year when dating documents today.

    • Chafed

      You’re AARP card will arrive soon.

      • Plinker762

        I’ve been getting their crap for a while but mail from gun controllers goes straight to the garbage.

      • Plinker762

        I got my official PPP forgiveness notification today.

    • Sean

      Happy birthday ???

    • TARDis

      Cheers!

      My wife thought it was funny when I started get AARP mailings. I wasn’t so funny anymore when she started getting them too.

  25. Gustave Lytton

    https://www.oregonlive.com/coronavirus/2020/12/1-person-went-to-work-sick-ensuing-outbreak-killed-7-in-douglas-county.html

    ‘There was an outbreak, and it was really serious, but we won’t tell you where it was or any actual actionable information.’

    Based on the ages in the dribbled out death press releases (with zero mention of any connection until now), it was probably a care facility. If so, they done fucked up on a number of levels and the county officials are happy to help bury the news. Zero intrepid reporters, of course.

      • l0b0t

        Those are fantastic.

      • Tulip

        Morning l0b0t!

      • l0b0t

        Good morning.

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

        I0b0t! Greetings! Still stuffing yer face?

      • l0b0t

        Sorta’… The rib bones are boiling down for stock, the big pieces of fat are getting baked until crispy for snacks, and the remainder of the meat will be cubed and made into a hash.

        Right now, I’m enjoying some coffee and sourdough toast. I hope all is well in your world.

  26. Tres Cool

    whaddup ?

    TALL CANS!

    • TARDis

      Mornin’, dood.

      New Rule:

      2) Don’t read Derp before third cup of coffee.

      Rule #1 is don’t read SF before bedtime.

    • Gender Traitor

      Mornin’, homey!

      • Tres Cool

        ‘sup pimp-juice

      • Tres Cool

        In other pizza news: like you, Im kinda wedded to Donato’s. Cassano’s is a close 2nd, cept they pissed me off so many times that I just refuse. (well, akshually Don’s in Germantown is my favorite)

        But have you heard of these cats? https://www.gioninos.com/

        Jugsy has a crush on them.

      • Gender Traitor

        New to me – only one local location on the east side and otherwise mostly NE OH. Have you tried it?

      • Tres Cool

        Its not bad. Kinda heavy on the toppings à la Godfathers. But since all I eat are toppings and not crust (RIGHT, Sean?) it does the job. They seem heavy-handed with the garlic, so that works for me, too.

      • Sean

        We had some onion rings last night with our room service. They were fantastic.

        We’ve never done room service before that.

      • UnCivilServant

        Your first room service and you ordered… onion rings?

      • Tres Cool

        Onion rings are dope af. Our local Sonic closing has helped me adhere to “low-carb” though sometimes after a drought, Ill attack a pile of Frisch’s (the regional franchise for Big Boy) rings like a junkie fresh out of rehab.

      • l0b0t

        There is something about room service that compels me to order shrimp cocktails. I love shrimp but would never think to have a shrimp cocktail anywhere other than in a hotel room.

      • Sean

        Cheese burgers and onion rings.

        Took the buns off the burgers. It was more for the novelty.

        We had eaten steak or filet the past three nights here.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Hey, I0b0t, did that simple green work out your soot issue or did I steer you wrong?

      • Tulip

        I love room service. If I travel for work and it’s more than a couple days, I get room service once. Too expensive for the quality otherwise, but it makes me feel decadent

      • l0b0t

        TH – It worked nicely, thanks. Now the wall is just very dirty, rather than inside of a coal-scuttle dirty.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m awake. I’m awake

      /lies

    • Sean

      *nods & raises cup of coffee*

      • Tres Cool

        /gets another beer

    • TARDis

      Fits my mood quite nicely.

      Good morning to you, and the rest of the early birds. I was thinking everyone was sleeping in on this holiday week.

      • UnCivilServant

        Can’t. I’ve got work.

      • TARDis

        #Metoo. Although not much is getting accomplished with all the dead rona-riddled bodies staying at home. I think I’ll send myself home early for having a bad attitude.

        New development: I can’t peruse this website from my workstation anymore. BLOCKED. Fine, cell-phone hotspot it is then.

  27. Tulip

    Morning everyone!

    • Tres Cool

      hey there…how YOU doin’ ?

    • Sean

      Good mornin.

    • UnCivilServant

      Morning.

      So many things going on, so many of them wrong, I can’t focus.

    • Gender Traitor

      Mornin’, Tu!

    • hayeksplosives

      Good morning Tulip.

      Good morning, all.

      2 Christmas cards arrived at our house yesterday. Odd since we’ve owned the place for 2 1/2 years now. I’d think if people were on “Christmas card” terms, they’d update their address with them too.

      The past couple of years, we’ve taken pictures of this e mail if it’s handwritten or clearly a card. On rare occasions they come pick it up.

      I’m getting tired of it. What’s the etiquette on this? How long until I just stamp it “return to sender” or throw it out?

      • Tulip

        I think now is good. Although, I’ve owned my home for 8 years and got a package a couple months ago. I called them and they came to get it apologizing for her aunt.

      • TARDis

        I’ve been in my current house for almost 9 years. I’ve been throwing away everything but government stuff since about the 4th year mark. Apparently, the daughter of the previous owner is neglecting to pay her student loans. Heh.

    • Trigger Hippie

      Mornin’.

  28. UnCivilServant

    You Bastards!

    They finally put out a new* battletech audiobook… and it’s one of the few I’ve already read!

    *new to audio, the book is from 1986

    • Gender Traitor

      I’m not sure how well I’d do with audio books. I think I tend to be distracted by visual stimuli. Maybe if I tried while knitting or crocheting.

      • UnCivilServant

        I use them while walking or driving, because most of the time my mind has a lot of spare processing power at those times and no way to record anything. So I have a walkman that plays audiobooks, either to mini speakers or to headphones, depending upon circumstance.

    • UnCivilServant

      The new cover art of a reseen locust looks a fuckton better than the original fugly unseen marauder on my paperback edition though.

  29. Tres Cool

    The Flathead County, Montana crime update.

  30. FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

    Mornin’ Glibs! I think I’m reaching the “derp barrier” and the whole damn thing might shake into pieces. Day 19. Getting punch-drunk and stupid at work. Making dumb decisions while driving. Eating way too much fast food and drinking for effect. One more night and I’ll be free for two whole days and then right back at ‘er. Not looking forward to post Xmas attitudes. mine included even though I don’t really do the jolly. My work buddy Ron passed away from a stroke two years ago to the day. He complained the day before “Sometimes this place makes my head hurt.”

    • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

      We shook hands and wished one another a Merry Christmas. That was the last time I saw Ron. He was a nice chap. A gentleman, if you will. We weren’t close but we were friendly. His family when I met them were lovely people.

  31. Gender Traitor

    Old college friend is in town to visit her sister & BIL, so we agreed to meet for lunch on New Year’s Eve (I get off work at noon.) She’s a definite Dem if not an outright Prog. I hope this doesn’t suck – although I suppose it would be a fitting way to end the year if it did.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Don’t forget your “Stop the Steal” t-shirt and make sure to pepper your conversation with woodchipper talk (or helicopters if that’s more your style).

      • TARDis

        Also need a KAGA hat.

    • Tres Cool

      Is she red head and chubby? In spite of her politics, I could clear my schedule….

      • Gender Traitor

        Brunette, and has lost a lot of weight since college. Gastric bypass, IIRC.

      • Tres Cool

        Ooooh….likely stretch marks. Im strangely aroused.

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

        Good Lard, never change Tres!

      • Tres Cool

        /tweaks nipples

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

        lol

      • mrfamous

        That’s an extremely appropriate adverb

    • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

      Don’t omit your “This Mask Does Nothing” face diaper when you greet her in the foyer. That should set the tone for a pleasant luncheon!

      • UnCivilServant

        That’s still in my range bag.

    • Suthenboy

      The answer is no.

      Come get ’em motherfuckers.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I think they are going to try.

      • Suthenboy

        It will be a disaster. Some will cave but in the end I think the enforcement side will refuse.

        Law enforcement is only effective with a population the believes in the rule of law. No one becomes a cop to get their ass shot off. They have families and lives too.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        A lot will balk at enforcement but some won’t, especially in the larger cities. It isn’t good to be at the mercy of inaction by people who are deathly afraid of losing their paycheck and their pension.

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

        Yep. I talked a good game about mask compliance but when rubber met road I needed to wear the damn thing to keep eating. “Comply” is the Word of the Year for 2020. It’s like having to dance to Disco music even though you hate it but there ain’t any barn dances popping up anytime soon…

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

        It was 1978. I liked Led Zeppelin but me and my Boner made a deal. We made a deal, Dammit!

      • TARDis

        I’ll probably get divorced over confiscation/surrender, if it survives the SCOTUS. I expect my wife will want to cave. I will not. She can then have everything but the guns and ammo. BYE!

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

        Sorry to hear, Tardis. Sounds like other issues. Bon Chance, Friend!

      • R C Dean

        “I think the enforcement side will refuse.”

        The only way that happens is if people start shooting the door kickers en masse.

  32. Suthenboy

    Looking over last night’s thread….

    Re: Falconry
    It is heavily regulated by govt because…
    I was fishing once and noticed an owl’s nest in a cypress tree. The owl left the nest and came back two mins later with a rat, then left again. It came back two mins later with a rabbit, then left. It came back two mins later with some other critter….
    Raptors are incredibly efficient hunters. It is regulated to keep from decimating the small mammal population.

    Multi-tasking: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKZfIwmURTk

    Not sure what to say about the rest. I think we will one day soon look back and long for the relative sanity of 2020.

  33. Derpetologist

    I survived my cold night of camping. The foil blanket worked like a charm. I had a great view of Orion, which made up for the fact that I couldn’t keep the fire going despite spraying half a can of lighter flood on it. Oh well. I’d turn in my Eagle Scout card and badge if the Boy Scouts hadn’t gone woke and broke.

    I bundled up pretty good too. As they say in Sweden, there’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing. Fell asleep around 9 and woke up around 6. All in all, a great success. Now I know that I can camp comfortably during my next road trip. Possibly with a gal pal who expressed interest in digging up dinosaur bones with me!

    Bokonon is indeed a reference to Cat’s Cradle. Some quotes from him I like:

    ***
    “Live by the foma (Harmless untruths) that make you brave and kind and healthy and happy.”

    “Oh, a sleeping drunkard
    Up in Central Park,
    And a lion-hunter
    In the jungle dark,
    And a Chinese dentist,
    And a British queen–
    All fit together
    In the same machine.
    Nice, nice, very nice;
    Nice, nice, very nice;
    Nice, nice, very nice–
    So many different people
    In the same device.”

    ***

    Udre Udre

    ***
    Ratu Udre Udre (pronounced [uɳɖe ‘uɳɖe], /ʊndreɪ ˈʊndreɪ/; died 1840) was a Fijian chief. He is listed by Guinness World Records as “most prolific cannibal” — during the early 19th century, he reportedly ate “between 87 and 99 people”.
    ***

    ***
    A cargo cult is a millenarian belief system in which adherents perform rituals which they believe will cause a more technologically advanced society to deliver goods. These cults were first described in Melanesia in the wake of contact with allied military forces during the Second World War.
    ***

    That is all. Carry on!

    • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

      Solid article once again, Derpy! I’ll shill for my idea of “BIPOCalypse Now” if you want to run with it. You needn’t use my brain-fart but I’d be honored if you used the term.

    • Suthenboy

      Uh-hum. Lion hunter in the jungle? That isn’t going to be a successful hunter. Lions dont live in the jungle, unless you count these: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaguar

      • UnCivilServant

        Leo Panthera used to have a range that included a lot of jungle.

        Modern lion ranges have been diminished to no longer include those areas, but there was a time…

      • UnCivilServant

        *Panthera Leo (sorry got the genus specis pair backwards)

      • Suthenboy

        General principle: any given acre of land can produce a fixed amount of organic material. The limit is determined by a ‘bottle neck’ chemical component needed to make that organic material. It is usually phosphorus but sometimes other building blocks (zinc is notable). That organic material can be trees or grass or critters. In jungles most of the organic material and the components needed to make them are locked up in tree trunks. There is a surprisingly small number of animals in jungles and forests. If you want to find the largest number of prey animals that predators need to survive, and thus predators, go to grasslands.
        Of course some predators do inhabit forested areas, or at least wander into them (we have panthers and at one time jaguars) but they are few in number and need some 50K acres so to scratch out a living. Same for bears. Forests are simply not good habitat for large predators.

        *Not widely acknowledged but pre-Columbian Americans burned off the forests in the Mississippi valley yearly to create grasslands, primarily to increase the range of buffalo. Mud cores from lakes ranging from the Great Lakes to Pontchartrain show seasonal deposits of soot as far back as 10K years.
        It is interesting to me that man is the only critter that artificially create habitat for their primary source of food. Ok, maybe aphid farming ants…I am sure there are others but I cant think of them right now.

      • Derpetologist

        QUIET, YOU!

        Also, the most famous lion hunt in history – the man eaters of Tsavo

        ***
        The Tsavo Man-Eaters were a pair of man-eating male lions in the Tsavo region, which were responsible for the deaths of a number of construction workers on the Kenya-Uganda Railway between March and December 1898. The significance of this lion pair was their unusual behavior of killing men and the manner of their attacks.

        Patterson wrote in his account that he wounded the first lion with one bullet from a high-calibre rifle. This shot struck the lion in its hind leg, but it escaped. Later, it returned at night and began stalking Patterson as he tried to hunt it. He shot it through the shoulder, penetrating its heart with a more powerful rifle and found it lying dead the next morning not far from his platform.[1]:91–93

        The second lion was shot at up to nine times, five with the same rifle, three with a second, and once with a third rifle — six finding their mark. The first shot was fired from atop a scaffolding that Patterson had built near a goat killed by the lion. Two shots from a second rifle hit the lion 11 days later as it was stalking Patterson and trying to flee. When they found the lion the next day, Patterson shot it three more times with the same rifle, severely crippling it, and he shot it three times with a third rifle, twice in the chest, and once in the head, which killed it. He claimed it died gnawing on a fallen tree branch, still trying to reach him.[1]:93–103

        After 25 years as Patterson’s floor rugs, the lions’ skins were sold to the Field Museum of Natural History in 1924 for a sum of $5,000. The skins arrived at the museum in very poor condition. The lions were reconstructed and are now on permanent display along with their skulls.[4][5]
        ***

        I saw them when I lived in Chicago.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tsavo_Man-Eaters

        Fun fact: Nairobi means ‘cool place’ in Masai. When the British built the railroad from Mombasa to Lake Victoria, they made a worker camp at Nairobi, because of the pleasant weather and absence of mosquitoes.

      • Suthenboy

        I have heard the story of the Lions of Tsavo a hundred times, no two versions being the same. I suspect Patterson was quite the fisherman.

  34. Derpetologist

    Wow, it got down to 37 degrees last night and I slept soundly through it with a tent, sleeping bag, and foil blanket. Achievement unlocked!

    I can haz Ranger tab now?

    Hato Ni Foji was my attempt at a Polynesian rendering of Anthony Fauci. Should have called him witch-doctor to make it obvious. I couldn’t figure out how to make Gambolputty sound Polynesian. Maybe Koana Kamapulapuki?

    fun fact: Keoni and Keanu are the Hawaiian equivalents of John and James.

  35. Sean

    All good things must come to an end.

    Time to start getting ready to get out of here and get on the road.

    See y’all later.

    • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFORE FESTUS!

      Hope all go well. Two thumbs up right back atcha!