The Hat and The Hair: Episode 180

by | Dec 30, 2020 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 252 comments

 

“Twenty-two days left,” the hair said.

“The Kraken,” the hat groaned feebly.

“It’s over,” the hair said. “We are never overturning this election. We got beat. We got reduced to one-termer.”

“I’m not going to the Presidential Library,” the hat said. “I’m going to send a regular hat. They aren’t trapping me under glass.”

“Can’t you just jump into another hat?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been this hat for so long, I might be stuck. I’ve stayed longer in a single hat, but I’m not a young hat anymore. I’m tired.”

“You know I’ll be buried with him, right? Like slaves for an Egyptian Pharaoh,” the hair said.

“Will you even outlive him?” the hat asked. “Aren’t you, in a sense, just a part of him?”

“Biologically symbiotic but I want to be my own person. I want to be free, I want to gambol and play, I want to destroy the Hair Club For Men, I want to have kids, little hairlings to give out to bald children so they can know the confidence and power a truly amazing head of hair can give you.”

“Give out? Philanthropy? That’s for people that murdered their parents or felt-up their underage cousins. Sell your children to the highest bidder! Make money and fuck the classiest wigs you can buy.”

“I do not have sex with wigs!” the hair said hotly.

“Cool story, wigfucker,” the hat said dismissively.

“Macron’s wife threw her wig on top of me! I was being molested!”

“Anyway, I need to get on the speaking circuit, make that appearance fee money,” the hat said.

“You’re going to let the world know you can speak?”

“Yeah, I mean, it’ll be after 2024, of course,” the hat said.

“Don’t convince him to run. I don’t want to live in this shithole again.”

“No, next time will be the last time unless we can change the Constitution. So Donald is going to Trump Plaza this place out next time. Recessed lighting, black marble, and gold, gold, gold. Nothing but hot chicks and Donald in this place,” the hat said.

“Sounds great,” the hair said dryly.

“The Press Secretary is going to have a soundboard to drown out Acosta with fart sounds and Two Live Crew clips,” the hat continued. “And one of the Presidential debates will be nothing but a freeform rap battle.”

“And if he doesn’t win?” the hair asked.

“Plan B: I write his erotic memoirs. No holds barred. Raw. Every conquest, every stripper, every secretary, and ever strung-out Playboy model.”

“Uh-huh,” the hair said. “And he’s just going to let you do this?”

“I’ll wait until he strokes out, which should be any day now or if Chelsea beats him in 2024,” the hat said laughing. “I’ve been working on it since the 2016 primaries.”

“What?”

“I’ve been writing it in secret,” the hat said smugly.

“What if it got out?” the hair said hysterically.

“I keep it on a protected server. How could it get out?”

“Because it always gets out!” the hair yelled.

“Whatever. It would only drive pre-sales for the book. The working title is Attack of the Mushroom People: The Loves of Donald J. Trump.”

“A dick mention in the title?”

“A dick pic on every page! I put a camera in the Presidential toilet!”

The hair made a rustling barf noise and backed away.

“And I even have a cover!” the hat said.

“Oh, God. Oh, God,” the hair said.

“Don’t worry, you look great! Majestic! Just amazing!” The hat played with the Oval Office laptop and the image finally came up on the screen.

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

252 Comments

  1. TARDis

    What m no comments? Wigfucker indeed.

  2. trshmnstr the terrible

    *wipes single tear from eye*

    You keep at it Hat! You keep the dream alive!

    • CPRM

      Just wait until February…

  3. Gustave Lytton

    Is this early? Still morning snark time according to my watch.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Lucky it was mild, I time my breakfast for these and dropping early could result in some messy cleanups.

  4. CPRM

    …kismet…

    • juris imprudent

      Like slaves for an Egyptian Pharaoh

      Truly fitting.

  5. Ownbestenemy

    “Philanthropy? That’s for people that murdered their parents or felt-up their underage cousins.”

    I laughed, then thought long and hard about my childhood.

  6. Gustave Lytton

    the Hair Club For Men

    OMB: “I’m not just the President, I’m also a fascist tyrant!”

    • CPRM

      OMB: “I’m not just the President a member, I’m also a fascist tyrant The President, and you’re not!”

      • Gustave Lytton

        Crap, did I screw up the order?

      • Gustave Lytton

        I can’t believe I got the name wrong all these years. It was right on the cover, too!

      • CPRM

        I blame this whole ‘Dimension’ kerfuffle on librarians. (glares at the post’s author) I’m sure the librarian pronounced it all jewish (I mean really, that’s what this is all about, right, making sure everyone knows those bears weren’t jews? Otherwise I don’t get it.) and that colored how I read it once I started actually reading.

      • SugarFree

        Don’t look at me. Children’s librarians are fucking maniacs.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Those bears are fundamentalist Christians. I thought that was obvious.

  7. TARDis

    Standing outside the library with a bunch of of sheeple wearing masks. Seriously, 3/4ths of them are masked. I want to be yell, “Is it safe to say all you masked pussies are voting for Pajama-boy Asshat and Pastor Wife N. Child-Abuser?”

  8. Not Adahn

    “Cool story, wigfucker,”

    I am sad that I don’t foresee an opportunity to use this in conversation anytime soon.

    • slumbrew

      Same. I may not let that stop me, though the wife may not be amused.

    • Psycho Effer

      Whig-fucker?

      • juris imprudent

        That would be a mighty cold corpse.

      • hayeksplosives

        My political affiliation has been listed as “Old Whig” on Facebook for some years now.

        I don’t think anyone has ever noticed.

      • Psycho Effer

        Pshaw! You’re not that old.

      • zwak

        Says the man with a wig in his avatar.

      • juris imprudent

        As folic-ally challenged as I am, any head covering is welcome in the winter!

      • juris imprudent

        And even I am not old enough to have ever known a Whig, least of all in the biblical sense.

  9. DEG

    “I keep it on a protected server. How could it get out?”

    Sheesh. You wipe it with a cloth.

  10. Not Adahn

    “I’ve been working on it since the 2016 primaries.”

    “What?”

    “I’ve been writing it in secret,” the hat said smugly.

    “What if it got out?” the hair said hysterically.

    “I keep it on a protected server. How could it get out?”

    “Because it always gets out!” the hat yelled.

    “Whatever. It would only drive pre-sales for the book.

    This is SF’s way of letting us know this is all being published hardcover. So who’s doing it? Random House? Regency? Penguin? Paladin Press?

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Paladin press’s “15 ways to break someone’s neck” was lame.

      • Not Adahn

        “Just give it a hard crack, Jack.

        Twist it to the right, Dwight…”

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Baen Books.

      They’re not just for apocalyptic LDS fever dreams anymore!

      • Not Adahn

        Oof. Published by Baen means it’ll never win a Hugo.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        That’s like saying Sugarfree is never going to win a Tony. I’m sure he’s in the woods right now skinning a live rabbit out of vengeance for a world that rejects his moral truth rather than hunger.

      • Not Adahn

        …I could actually see SF winning a Tony.

      • DEG

        Nahh…. Urinetown was Malthusian inspired garbage, so more appropriate for those awards than Sugarfree.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        The Hat & Hair: A Traumatic Comedy

      • zwak

        Hey, I just ordered a Baen Book, written by a World Fantasy and PKD award winner.

        Tim Powers.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        But he didn’t win a Hugo

      • juris imprudent

        Isn’t NOT winning a Hugo actually winning something more important of late?

      • slumbrew

        “Hugo award winner” significantly reduces my interest in a book these days.

      • zwak

        I should add that apparently they are one of the few houses that don’t have a DRM, or whatever the acronym is currently.

  11. Tonio

    Interesting revelations about the the Hat and Hair. That has always been one of the great mysteries of this series for me.

    • CPRM

      SF had it all planned out like George Lucas totally did! Padme is Donald’s mother!

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Which irredeemable character is getting redeemed?

      • CPRM

        Forget about that! Where is the stilted romance!? The backstory to every one off character!? The retconning of known facts about characters!?

        Hat: The Hair was a great pilot when I met him.

        …..[revealed meeting]…

        Hair: I’ll try spinning! That’s a good trick!

      • SugarFree

        Five years of solid, if irregular, entertainment for you people and you slander me with a George Lucas comparison?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Who do you nominate as your second?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Jar Jar Binks

      • R C Dean

        I loved the internet theory that he was originally written as a Sith Lord, and then got edited down to an embarrassing caricature.

      • SugarFree

        Warty. Always Warty.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        It’s a duel. Not trial by combat.

      • SugarFree

        Warty is there to defile his remains.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        What is The Donald’s midichlorian count?

  12. The Late P Brooks

    “You know I’ll be buried with him, right? Like slaves for an Egyptian Pharaoh,” the hair said.

    Better than suttee. Probably. Maybe.

    • slumbrew

      Be it so. This burning of widows is your custom; prepare the funeral pile. But my nation has also a custom. When men burn women alive we hang them, and confiscate all their property. My carpenters shall therefore erect gibbets on which to hang all concerned when the widow is consumed. Let us all act according to national customs.

      That remains a baller quote.

    • Tonio

      A very Poe-esque ending. SF always keeps it classy, yo.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    “I’ll wait until he strokes out, which should be any day now or if Chelsea beats him in 2024,”

    Eek.

  14. Juvenile Bluster

    First: Excellent Futurama reference in the blurb.

    Second: I really never should have left this place, because H&H is always great for my diet because it destroys my appetite. I hope that there’s an equally terrible equivalent coming for the Harris Biden administration.

    • Juvenile Bluster

      Also:

      “The Press Secretary is going to have a soundboard to drown out Acosta with fart sounds and Two Live Crew clips,” the hat continued. “And one of the Presidential debates will be nothing but a freeform rap battle.”

      I’ll vote for him in 2024 if this happens.

      • mrfamous

        Seconded. Treating the Jim Acostas of the world like the self-important non-entities that they are is exactly what they’ve earned.

      • Psycho Effer

        The Jim Acostas of the world are going to be hitting the unemployment lines in the next year without Trump to give them something to ree about.

      • R C Dean

        They’ll shift from reeing about Trump to cooing over Biden and, shortly, Harris.

      • Psycho Effer

        But no one will pay to see that. CNN, MSNBC, NYT, were all on the verge of going out of business when Trump started his run for the Presidency. He saved them from extinction. The autisitic screeching about Cheeto Hitler allowed the progressive housewife to believe she was part of the #Resistance by watching their heroes bash him on TV. It was like crack to them. Now they are going to go into withdrawal. Watching them swoon over Biden does not give them existential meaning that hatred of Trump does. Watching their desperation to survive is going to be interesting. A new scapegoat is going to be needed.

      • leon

        ^^^ This. They will not be able to keep the froth up past the election. It was pretty predictable after biden’s win, but i already have seen people talking about how they feel so good that they don’t have to be focused on politics anymore.

      • Plisade

        Tool nailed that sentiment in The Bottom…

        And I have swallowed the poison you feed me
        But I survive on the poisons you feed me
        And leavin’ guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed
        And it makes me feel ugly

        Hatred keeps me alive
        Lowliness keeps me alive
        Weakness keeps me alive
        Guilt keeps me alive at the bottom

      • Drake

        Yep – nobody will be tuning in to hear what great-grandpa had for breakfast.

        They might get desperate enough to start reporting on Hunter’s escapades.

      • Chafed

        Fourthed.

      • Chipwooder

        Bottom is Tool’s best song. I will brook no argument.

      • WTF

        Not only did that make me laugh, but I would pay to see it happen.

    • But Enough About My "Essential Retiree" Status

      Just say “pre-Harris Administration.” You know it’s true.

  15. Cy

    So… account of recent events, I got to catch up on my binge watching!

    Anime:
    The Rising of the shield Hero – Pretty solid fantasy. 4/5 stars
    That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime – Fun. Check your brain at the door 3.5/5 stars
    Goblinslayer – BRUTAL fantasy. Refreshingly well done. 4.5/5 stars
    Is it Wrong to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon S2 – I don’t know why I bothered 2/5 stars
    Dr. Stone – has it’s moments. Cool concept. 3.5/5

    TV Series:
    Yellowstone – a decent version of Sons of Anarchy but with horses 4/5 stars
    The Pacific – WW2 marines. 3.5/5 stars

    Movies:
    Wonder Woman 1984 – fucking terrible. I fast forwarded a lot. 1.5/5 stars
    Boss Level – Hilarious and fun. Think grounds hog’s day meets Edge of tomorrow. 5/5 stars
    LOTR (Fellowship of the Ring and 2 towers) 3/5 stars

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      I had to work from home when I got it. I only had two days off where I was too sick to work. But I don’t think I was anywhere near as bad as you.

      • Cy

        I never felt like I needed to be rushed to the hospital or anything. There were a good 4 days of being sick. The other 6 days were a bit of nausea, hot/cold swings, constant drainage and headaches. The last 3 were mostly just making sure I wasn’t still contagious and recovery. I’m just glad I’ve got benefits through work that cover it.

    • SugarFree

      Wonder Woman 1984 – Just awful. They had an extra six months and still couldn’t beat it into a decent movie.

      • Cy

        I’d give it 1/5 stars but then it would be tied with ‘The Rise of SKywalker’ and it wasn’t that bad. It was close… but not the bad.

      • leon

        Haven’t watched RoS but seen some reviews (of non-anti-woke persons) and it seems like a shit movie that just is full of “Look how this just happened to be what we needed when we happened to need it”.

      • leon

        Add in Rey just gaining powers like force healing, something (AFAIK) has not been attested to in the series before. Like how did the Jedi, at their height of power, not know about this?

      • CPRM

        *Mace Windu dying emoji* (I don’t know emojis, but that must be a thing, right?)

      • SugarFree

        After the vomit that was Last Jedi, I just couldn’t be bothered.

        I’m might get depressed and high enough to watch it at some point. Mary Sue bullshit.

      • robodruid

        They have failed me for the last time…

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        SHE’S NOT A MARY SUE!

        /themarysue.com

      • CPRM

        It is terrbl. There is no real plot, just a scavenger hunt with no rules that make sense, then [REDACTED] is Rey’s [REDACTED] and then, Rey is the best! The End.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Is this a mad lib?

        I choose ‘the light saber’ and ‘dildo’

      • CPRM

        That is a movie I’d be more compelled to watch, especially after a few drinks, when I’m feeling lonely…

      • Mad Scientist

        I would spend $15 to watch Gal Godot stand in line to get into Trader Joe’s.

      • SugarFree

        She looks fantastic all the way through it. They might never cast the character better. The first movie was great, basically just a rip-off of the first MCU Captain America movie, but functional as to plot and didn’t tax Gadot’s meager acting abilities.

        This one is just an embarrassment.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        They could’ve just filmed Gal running for 2 hours and it would improve dramatically.

    • CPRM

      The first half of WW84 is ham-fisted shit (Kristen Wiig seems unable to play a character without making them a caricature, the first ~10 minutes don’t even need to exist). The second half got kind of fun but felt more like a cash grab animated movie than a proper feature film.

    • Psycho Effer

      I agree with all of this, except that I haven’t seen Yellowstone, but plan to.

    • Chipwooder

      I really wanted to like The Pacific more than I did because it’s jarhead stuff, but while it’s good, I don’t think it rivals Band of Brothers. The problem is that you jump around too much between the three principles (Sledge, Leckie, and Basilone), and the three of them represent three entirely separate stories. It just kind of feels disjointed. BoB focused on different characters in different episodes, but the same overall group was in all of the episodes so it felt like you got to know them all.

      • Cy

        I haven’t finished it yet. I’m a huge fan of BoB. I do enjoying the sets and period correct lifestyles. I tried to watch ‘flags of our fathers’ too, but I think I’m just war movied out. What’s more likely is that by the time I’d tried to watch either I was just burnt out on watching anything period. I easily logged 150+hrs of watching things on my phone while not feeling the greatest to begin with.

      • Dakotain

        Yeah I liked it but it wasn’t as good as BoB. I did like that it was the story of one of the units i served in, Suicide Charley.

    • Sensei

      Goblinslayer surprised me.

      After the first five minutes and brutal sexual assault I thought it was some highbrow softporn able to be carried by regular sources.

      The violence actually serves a purpose and serves as a realistic backdrop as contrasted to the usual anime hero fantasy.

      I also recommend.

      Did not especially care for Shield Hero, but prefer it to Danmachi. Bailed on Slime after the first episode.

      • Psycho Effer

        I like Slime and Shield Hero. Shield Hero is interesting to me because the Hero tries to come off as a complete asshole to people, while being quite a good guy in reality. Slime is pure power fantasy, like most of the genre of “I died on Earth and was re-incarnated with god-like power in a fantasy world”. It’s a genre I like.

      • Sensei

        The voice actress who plays Raphtaliia has really grown. I appreciated her performance.

        The talent was there, but she has come a long way from Chihayafuru.

  16. leon

    Nice SF! I’m going to be sad to see the Hat Fading.

    So are we going to get “Beau and the Bald Guy?”

    “Hunter and Hookers?”

    “Chicks and Chicoms?”

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Hair Plugs and Mask?

    • Cy

      The straw, the coke and the caregiver?

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      What about a move in a sitcom direction?

      “Biden My Time”

      • SugarFree

        With Harris occasionally jumping out from behind things to scare him to death.

      • CPRM

        You done tried it again mammy! *wags finger*

        *Freeze Frame*

        *roll credits*

      • leon

        And Trump can fill the role of a Newman character. Chumming it up with Hunter, but always the nemesis of Joe.

      • Cy

        I like it! Directed by Quentin Tarantino?

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        No, I got it! Primetime soap.

        “Dulles”

        The “Who killed JB?” episode will be epic!

      • rhywun

        As long as it’s all a dream at the end, we wake up, and Joe’s been retired at a horse ranch or something since ’16 like anyone who got upstaged by Hillary fucking Clinton properly should have.

    • Chipwooder

      The Chronicles of Corn Pop

    • Psycho Effer

      I don’t think I’ve seen Hunter make an appearance in the Expanded Universe yet. I wait with baited breath.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        You know who didn’t have to wait long for some Hunter ‘bate breath?

      • Plisade

        Side, Eos, Artemis…?

  17. Tulip

    Where did you find that painting? I sincerely hope it ends up in the presidential library. The White House would be even better.

    • SugarFree

      It was on Twitter. I have a network of people that forward strange Donaldiana to me.

      It is just so great!

      • Chipwooder

        I have a network of people that forward strange Donaldiana to me.

        Somehow, this is almost as disturbing as the H&H series itself.

      • Tulip

        Yeah, it is.

        *slowly backs away*

    • KOVIDKristen

      The Tweeters were suggesting he looked suspiciously like Benedict Arnold in that portrait.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Warty is there to defile his remains.

    Sore loser

  19. leon

    The week that everyone is off an i am somehow dragged into _more_ meetings than usual.

    • Not Adahn

      Edit the meeting invite so that the location is a good BBQ place.

      • leon

        Work from home, so every meeting is just a chance to go toobin talk on glibs

  20. mrfamous

    Here have some rage fuel. I’m getting a little tired of this shit. If this thing is a merciless killer of the elderly, then fucking act like it. And I’m not even in Pennsylvania.

    • leon

      Targeting people most at risk is not equitable. This is why we have to give $600 to everyone, regardless if they have been able to work for th last 9 months straight or have been out of work.

      • prolefeed

        Leftists usually are all about “fairness”, which is unofficially defined as “whatever makes me feel good or is in my best interest, but framed as if I’m selfless and virtuous”.

    • CPRM

      Hey, if we vaccinate the people most likely to die, how are we going to keep increasing deaths to keep people scared? It’s called a brain, try using it, numbnuts!

      • Psycho Effer

        You have to take it on faith that the vaccine works. They can always make the “mutant strain” claim if it doesn’t work in practice. The perpetual fear machine is in full operation.

      • CPRM

        About that…isn’t covid-19 just a mutant strain of all the other covid viruses we’ve dealt with for millennia? And if so, wouldn’t a mutant strain of this mutant strain have even less…aw, I forgot I don’t FUCKING LOVE SCIENCE. I guess I’ll never understand, nor will I ever, because I don’t science right.

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      I’ll play devil’s advocate. It’s still early and they are focusing on healthcare workers first, which will skew younger. Revisit the numbers in a week or two and see what they look like.

      • mrfamous

        Don’t find this to be persuasive. That’s a lot more people than just health care workers. Also even if it’s _all_ health care workers, not all health care workers are _at risk_ HCW. Also, studies have shown that _at risk_ HCW are not particularly at risk compared to the population as a whole. The job apparently does wonders for one’s immune system.

        Besides, I’ll bet a large sum of money that this is a whole bunch of public sector employees jumping to be first in line. It’s revolting. The _first_ people needed to be folks in LTC and those that take care of them. Very first. That they weren’t tells you all you need to know about the decision makers.

      • DEG

        Seconded.

        I’ll also add I have no faith in central planners. This vaccine roll-out is a perfect example of central planning.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The only reason to vaccinate HCWs really is to prevent onward transmission. Since that is asterisked as uncertain, there is no reason to vaccinate them ahead of higher risk (really, elderly) people. Other than FY;we’re heroes.

      • R C Dean

        The main reason to vaccinate HCW is to prevent too many sickouts from crashing the health care system.

        Probably the stupidest thing about tier 2 is that the fucking teachers managed to muscle their way in. Tier 1 was HCW and, basically, nursing home residents. Tier 2 is basically publsecs and elderly. One of these things is not like the other.

      • Gustave Lytton

        That goes along with it. Since they’re going to asterisk whether the vaccines do more beyond keeping vaccinated people out of the hospital or morgue, it’s may not reduce sickout and certainly not proactive quarantining. They can’t have it both ways.

      • Psycho Effer

        The thing you have to remember about the public sector employees is that, for the most part, they are just going to do what their masters tell them. Indications so far are that the vaccines are going to be made available, but they will not be required, for the most part. I have already talked to several staffers at federal agencies who are not eager to take the vaccine when it is offered to them.

      • rhywun

        Bet it will be required for you and me some day soon.

      • DEG

        Yep.

      • Psycho Effer

        I initially thought that, but they actually came out and said it was voluntary. Will it stay that way?

        I think it might stay that way, and here’s why. If they force everyone to get the vaccine, they will lose the excuse for social distancing and mask wearing. They will lose the rationale for not returning operations to normal. They want that rationale.

      • rhywun

        Sorry, I meant specifically for non-pubsec – maybe that’s not you, I don’t know.

        As for an excuse, they won’t need one. They will force a vaccine on us and continue mask mandates and lockdowns for as long as they goddamn well feel like.

      • Psycho Effer

        I hope they do. it will create more scofflaws and division, and push us closer to the crackup that is inevitably coming.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Within the FAA its ‘encouraged’ but not mandatory. We shall see…been a serious discussion with my wife on if that comes to pass.

  21. Timeloose

    Great H&H as always.

    Did anyone check out Alice in Borderlands yet?

    It’s a Japanese Manga made into live action. Essentially a survival series set in an abandoned or replica of Tokyo. The few remaining people have to solve puzzles in a game area where the stakes are high or face death.

    Well done so far.

    • CPRM

      It’s a Japanese Manga made into live action.

      The porns made this way never turn out as well as one would expect.

    • Ownbestenemy

      My middle son has me hooked on Hunter X Hunter and there are some questionable characters in that…

  22. Gojira

    Attack of the Mushroom People

    What you did there – I see it

  23. Grosspatzer

    Thanks, SF, that was suitably cringeworthy. “Macron’s wife threw her wig on top of me! I was being molested!” indeed.

    Glaring omission from the mourning lynx thread on odd celebrity names – the noteworthy son of Hollywood Squares host Peter Marshall:

    Why is his first name the same as his surname?

  24. The Late P Brooks

    I’ll play devil’s advocate. It’s still early and they are focusing on healthcare workers first, which will skew younger.

    I won’t waste my time fretting about health care workers.

    Teachers?

    Cops?

    Bureaucrats?

    Fuck ’em. The line starts back over there.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      SHUT THE FUCK UP, OLDTARD!

      • leon

        Old people are the White people of Vaccination Priorities.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Did anyone ever think that in the cold equations of ‘public health’, the longevity of those who no longer contribute to the economic-political machine would be prioritized?

      • leon

        Boomers didn’t vote for comrade Trump to be treated like throw away garbage!

      • Raven Nation

        Except, old people vote.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Old people, yes. Bed-ridden elderly in nursing homes? Not so much.

      • Not Adahn

        But if you kill them off, you won’t have their ballots to harvest.

      • Mojeaux

        So a bunch of elderly (nursing home?) patients died in a Parisian heat wave in the 00s because they don’t have air conditioning. My brother lived in Paris for quite a while and he was always of the opinion that they were allowed to die to get rid of them.

      • zwak

        Gotta reduce pension costs!

      • R C Dean

        But if you kill them off, you won’t have their ballots to harvest.

        Dead people never vote. It Is Known.

      • Psycho Effer

        It’s not like Democrats need them to be alive to get their votes, amirite?

  25. Swiss Servator

    “Can’t you just jump into another hat?”

    “I don’t know. I’ve been this hat for so long, I might be stuck. I’ve stayed longer in a single hat, but I’m not a young hat anymore. I’m tired.”

    WOAH.

    • Heroic Mulatto

      I bet you SF hasn’t even played Super Mario Odyssey.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Its deep. Like a flaming pit.

    • Not Adahn

      I might be stuck.

      Synthetics are harder to get out of than natural fibers.

  26. ElspethFlashman

    Yay ! Lord H’s late Christmas pressie is being delivered today.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I ordered a yoga book from Germany for my wife back on the 7th. Its still in Germany. Oh well

      • Juvenile Bluster

        I ordered one thing for my daughter on December 5 from Portugal. Still waiting for it. No clue where it is.

        I ordered one other present that shipped from New Jersey on December 15 and was supposed to be delivered on the 21st. Still waiting for that as well.

    • Mojeaux

      My mom’s not getting hers till the 7th (a massage).

      • Ownbestenemy

        How is she feeling? She had the surgery right? Or am I mixing mythical womenz again?

      • Mojeaux

        She’s feeling better, can breathe better, and the pain in her back/hip has receded quite a bit. She can’t get on a massage table, though, so I got her a head/neck/shoulder massage where they have a special chair.

        I’m starting to think her back/hip pain (in that particular area) was probably a result of however they positioned her on the operating table. She had a diaphragm plication, so I’m thinking they turned her on her side.

        Thanks for asking!

      • Ownbestenemy

        🙂 That is good news!

      • DEG

        This is good.

      • Ted S.

        Is she getting a happy ending too?

      • Mojeaux

        If she’s happy at the end, she gets a happy ending.

    • one true athena

      My christmas crackers arrived today. Ordered on the 13th, taken to shipper on the…. 22nd. Thanks “christmas cracker store”, very timely.

      • Gustave Lytton

        “Ships before Christmas”

    • Ted S.

      I sent out the DVDs to my sisters in Texas on the 12th; both packages arrived on the 28th.

    • slumbrew

      We received our Christmas cards from Shutterfly yesterday.

    • hayeksplosives

      We got the hubby’s 3D relief map of San Diego county yesterday.

      Yay! Christmas again. 🙂

  27. Lachowsky

    Plan B: I write his erotic memoirs. No holds barred. Raw. Every conquest, every stripper, every secretary, and ever strung-out Playboy model.”

    Brilliant.

  28. kinnath

    https://slate.com/culture/2020/12/wonder-woman-1984-middle-east-arab-mena-racism.html

    Wonder Woman’s Middle Eastern Stereotypes Should Have Stayed in the 1980s

    Like the Indiana Jones series, Wonder Woman 1984 is consumed by affection for the movies of an earlier time—and like Temple of Doom, it revives the era’s noxious ethnic stereotypes along with its Members Only jackets. Almost four decades after Sterritt wrote those words, WW84 shows how little has really changed when it comes to Hollywood’s treatment of other countries and other cultures, in particular those of the Middle East and North Africa. A decade after the Iranian Green Movement and Arab Spring, WW84 indulges a view of Middle East and North Africa, or MENA, that bears little resemblance to its myriad and unique identities, in the 1980s or now.

    Woke on woke violence. The best kind.

    • leon

      Woke on woke violence. The best kind.

      These are the people who are supposed to “Inevitably” take over out country, and that there is no hope of defeating.

    • Not Adahn

      “Islam is right about women”

    • kbolino

      A decade after the Iranian Green Movement and Arab Spring

      The MENA is just as bad off as before, and in some ways materially worse. Except Tunisia. And in that case, it’s still too early to tell how lasting the changes will be. What fucking world do these people live in? Did they not follow the news after 2009? There are about a dozen ongoing or only recently “concluded” insurgencies of significant impact across the MENA that all started in the wake of the revolutions. The Ayatollah is still around, the Egyptian military is back in charge, Turkey and Saudi Arabia are swinging their dicks around with their neighbors, that little bit of business in Libya and Syria that spilled over into surrounding countries happened.

      Christ on a cracker.

      • juris imprudent

        Forget it kbolino, it’s ethnic-town.

      • Ted S.

        And the good things that happened, viz. Israel’s reconciliation with several countries in the region, are being treated as though they didn’t happen.

  29. Gdragon

    Whoever it was that mentioned Mary Ann this morning is now clearly a certified jinx . 😉

    • Ownbestenemy

      A life lost too soon.

    • leon
    • slumbrew

      To whoever (whomever?) that was who mentioned her: I have a whole list of people I want you to mention.

      • Gdragon

        I’m not sure that I could bring myself to type something about wanting to bang Kamala even if it was going to lead to her death.

      • slumbrew

        You’ve seen the list, then?

    • mrfamous

      Sob. I actually usually took the contrarian position on the Ginger v Mary Ann debate: I really do think Ginger was hotter. Though “both” is observably the correct answer.

      • DEG

        Though “both” is observably the correct answer.

        Seconded.

      • Gdragon

        Ginger was more my type, which I jokingly describe as “looks like she was drawn in the back pages of a horny teenager’s notebook” ?

      • Hyperion

        Mary Ann, no contest.

    • Old Man With Candy

      Would someone please mention my ex-wife?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Seconded…though I think my ex-wife’s drug and possible street life did that for me

      • Gdragon

        I actually just found out that my ex-wife’s father died “of” the ‘rona (he was dying of lung cancer anyway but caught it when he was hospitalized a month ago). I know he’s “better off” now but it still feels like a loss because he was really a wonderful, wonderful man. I hadn’t talked to him in years (divorces being how they are) but I would have loved to hear his thoughts on everything going on right now. I know that loving your (ex)father-in-law usually doesn’t go along with the character profiles but I just couldn’t help it. Rest in peace Rod.

  30. kinnath

    https://www.salon.com/2020/12/30/democracy-headache-more-than-70-percent-of-trump-voters-distrust-the-best-run-election-in-years_partner/

    Democracy headache: More than 70 percent of Trump voters distrust the best-run election in years

    “There’s a process. It is very straightforward,” Clark-Smith said during a break at an early voting center in an Atlanta suburb, where she praised poll workers and the process of verifying signatures on ballot envelopes and flagging problems for follow-up with voters. “Watching it was like watching a work of art.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Now that’s how you gaslight.

    • leon

      GOP winning an election was a threat to our democracy. Now them Loosing is a threat to our Democracy. Media needs to make up their mind.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Dissent is a threat to our “Democracy”

    • Ownbestenemy

      Of course a lawyer thinks its a straight forward process, cause everything they do in relations to the courts and fillings is always straight forward right?

    • Plisade

      Well, most modern art is shit, so…

    • kbolino

      “The best-run election in years”, even if it were true (and how many years are we talking about here?), is a very low bar to clear. While I won’t endorse every one of Rudy’s brain farts, the courts seem to have been much more interested in hushing up rather than resolving. As someone here has pointed out, this election hit every one of the Department of State’s former guidelines for identifying manipulated elections in other countries. We are now simultaneously being told that even provable instances of fraud are “too local” or “not widespread” so don’t matter, while meanwhile nationwide riots get kicked off every couple years when somebody gets shot by the police. How much more local can you get than somebody getting shot?

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        At this point, why tell the truth? The powers that be are all well enough entrenched that they’re not going to be unseated by another power, and they’re all pulling in the same direction. The people have shown no interest in grabbing the power back, and the few incidents of violence have been one sided and well controlled by those in power.

        These people show no broader system of morality, so it’s not like they have consciences to scream at them for being evil. So they do and say whatever it takes to accumulate more power for themselves and their fellow travelers.

        Whether or not there was widespread fraud that decided elections this time around is unknowable anymore unless you have access to primary sources of data. There is nobody trustworthy enough to use as a secondary source of info, so it 100% comes down to presupposition and your inherent biases.

      • kbolino

        Whether or not there was widespread fraud that decided elections this time around is unknowable anymore unless you have access to primary sources of data.

        Sadly, yes. Whatever records might have been useful are long gone by now, and I doubt that, in most cases, enough records were ever made to begin with. The only check is direct oversight, and the overseers were in many cases either incompetent or complicit. We are told the election is secure, but like all of the “anonymous sources say” claims, there is no actually way for the public to verify that (we can only dingle around with statistical assessments of the final published results).

        This is the Anti-Enlightenment. The Priests have read the Bible for us and told us what it says. We are not fit to question God’s Mysteries, as told to us by the clergy, and we are not fit to become clergy, for we are but the common fools whom God loves but does not abide in His Ministry.

      • hayeksplosives

        They’ve tempered their description of the election to be “no fraud that would have affected the outcome.”

        Ok, so there was *some* fraud but not enough, they claim.

        If they were serious, they’d be looking into all alleged frauds and making damned sure that this won’t happen Next Time on a scale that does change the outcome.

        But they’ve gone with “Nothing to see here; it ran great, and we will be doing this mail in ballot thing in perpetuity.”

        If 30-40% or more of voters don’t believe the vote counting is fair, rule of law is hanging by a tenuous thread.

      • leon

        If 30-40% or more of voters don’t believe the vote counting is fair, rule of law is hanging by a tenuous thread.

        ^^^ this. Elections are only legitimate, because people believe they are. And all the Yelling and Concern trolling that you thinking the election was rigged, or fishy or suspect is damaging democracy will not change peoples minds. They are stamping their feet demanding you submit. Democracy wasn’t destroyed because people decided to loose faith in it, People lost faith in it because they saw what a sham it all is.

      • kbolino

        We are living in an alternate universe where “wet streets cause rain” is the canonical explanation and “rain causes wet streets” is seen as a dangerous conspiracy theory.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        If 30-40% or more of voters don’t believe the vote counting is fair, rule of law is hanging by a tenuous thread.

        This is why all the ball spiking on the left is dangerous. We’re seeing all of the components necessary for violent resistance, even though the actual movement hasn’t gelled together yet. Riots, car bombs, delegitimization of the election process, rock bottom institutional trust, questionable economic situation, government leaning on its people over an extended period.

        I thought we were in a tinderbox a year ago. It was nothing compared to today.

  31. Ownbestenemy

    Jan 21 Predictions:

    Outside of the snide comments from Trump being at the inauguration I suspect Salon et al will be running back-patting articles on how if they didn’t highlight that Trump was going to make himself dictator, he would have never left office.

    • leon

      As if. The world ends on Jan 19th. Biden never becomes a President of the United States.

      • Sean

        So I don’t have to make my mortgage payment?

      • leon

        No it’s still due by the 15th

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      As was stated above: January 22, the NYT, Daily Beast, MSNBC, CNN ect. all file for bankruptcy.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        And the next day they’re bailed out by the Fedgov under the pretense of maintaining a healthy independent press.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        “He just took over the bank press”

        -George Bailey

      • Hyperion

        You forgot New York, California, and every other blue state in the nation.

  32. Semi-Spartan Dad

    In some election humor, it appears the fool running Walmart’s twitter forgot to sign out of Walmart’s account and into their own personal one before mocking Hawley. At least I’m guessing that’s what happened.
    https://twitter.com/HawleyMO/status/1344355788303855617

    Work stays on work computer, personal stays on personal, and never cross streams.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Well… bye…

    • leon

      Robbies rule for employment: ” If You fuck up in such a way that your employer becomes target of national conversation, you should be expected to be fired, This of course does not hold true in the public sector”

    • mrfamous

      I have no one to root for in this exchange, but it amuses me to no end anyway

  33. kinnath

    https://m.washingtontimes.com/news/2020/dec/29/judge-leslie-abrams-gardner-stacey-abrams-sister-b/?fbclid=IwAR2AuEiqNS0fnbRSom5RibaFkoLMIj2MCh1JH7_2aPUqL52VM2kM60IDD6k

    Stacey Abrams’ federal-judge sister blocks Georgia voter eligibility challenge

    A federal judge in Georgia has blocked two counties from purging its voter rolls of roughly 4,000 allegedly inactive voters ahead of the next week’s runoff elections for U.S. Senate.

    U.S. District Judge Leslie Abrams Gardner, who is the sister of Democratic voting rights activist Stacey Abrams, handed down the ruling after rebuffing a request that she recuse herself from the case.

    When even the appearance of a a conflict of interest is an ethics problem.

    Wait. Skin color? Check. Genitals? Check. Never mind.

    • leon

      You’re joking. This has nothing to do with skin color or genitals. it’s all about TEAM

      • kinnath

        You’re joking.

        I can’t tell anymore.

    • kbolino

      What are the odds that the average person has a “federal judge sister” versus the odds that a politician (or wannabe politician) does?

      • hayeksplosives

        Outside of DC/NoVa, I’d guess the odds are far, far higher that a politician has relatives on the bench and in this or that agency etc.

        It’s like any banana republic or sub Saharan African country: the most important thing you can do is become a government employee. That way you can get your brother in law or uncle a government job, And You can take your cut to look the other way, and bring home that bribe cash to provide for your family.

        In Africa they don’t even think of it as graft. Providing for your family is the ultimate good, and the ends justify the means.

      • kbolino

        Tarran used to talk a little bit about how that worked in Turkey. I think it’s the norm in most of the world, not just Africa.

        It shouldn’t be that surprising then that America has it too. Unfortunately, like many other things, it has to be ten times as expensive and ten times as pretentious as the rest of the world, too.

      • Hyperion

        Destroy the law, which the left has done, will result in no one respecting the law. But don’t worry, it will all work out well.

  34. juris imprudent

    OT – This was an interesting read.

    The history of education in the U.S., however, poses a real problem for this explanation. American higher education exploded in the 19th century, to the point that there were 800 some colleges in existence by 1880, which was more than the total number in the continent of Europe. It was the highest rate of colleges per 100,000 population that the world have ever seen. The problem is that this increase was not in respond to increasing demand from employers for college-educated workers. While the rate of higher schooling was increasing across the century, the skill demands in the workforce were declining. The growth of factory production was subdividing forms of skilled work, such as shoemaking, into a series of low-skilled tasks on the assembly line.

    • kbolino

      That is an interesting read. Unfortunately, the author (of the preface, maybe not the book) didn’t go into much detail as to why this is different in the United States than the situation in other wealthy countries. Though, the answer there may be that those other countries haver longer histories and other ways of establishing social status.

  35. Hyperion

    The left spent their last 10 cents on an attempted coup against a duly elected president.

    When that failed, they spent their last nickel finally achieving the coup by rigging an election.

    They had better get down on their knees and pray to whatever God they don’t believe in, that this doesn’t go south for them. /enough said

    • kbolino

      I don’t think it will go south for them. There’s a large enough chunk of the population to offset any “populist” opposition that they don’t have to care, and enough people will just return to being disaffected. They know damn well that they have to start handing out cash money to people and pronto. The collapse of their power will be economic before it’s political.