‘Twas the Night Before Glib-Mas

by | Dec 24, 2020 | Fun, Literature | 204 comments

‘Twas the night before Glib-Mas, and, purged of endorphins,
Not a creature was stirring – not even the orphans.
Booby traps and alarms were set, in fear
That old rapist STEVE SMITH might decide to appear.

The Glib Ones were nestled, each snug in their bunk,
Each Glib Girl and Anarchist, and reg’lar old punk.
Both I and my mistress, who looked really super,
Were succumbing to an alcoholic stupor.

When, all of a sudden, ere I could rebuke,
Our Glib-house was hit with the force of a nuke!
(I exaggerate, of course, but still, I was shook up
And upset at the interruption of my hook-up.)

I ran to the window and threw open the pane.
Dark clouds had gathered, the moonlight did wane –
And above the night wind’s blistering howl,
I heard a voice; no, it was more of a growl:

“ALL OF YOU TROLLS, BE READY FOR TAKEOFF!
STEVE SMITH GO IN HERE, THEN WE WILL MAKE OFF
WITH THEIR GIFTS AND PRESENTS AND CHRISTMAS BOOTY –
ALL TROLL FLIGHT CREWS ATTEND TO YOUR DUTY!”

I cowered in fear, for from childhood I knew
Of the legend of STEVE SMITH and his murderous crew –
Eight ugly trolls pulled his magical sled;
The very sight of them filled grown men with dread.

I stood frozen in fear, stuck right to the floor
And heard massive footprints approaching my door;
Then, at the last moment, dived back of a chair –
My door was kicked open, and then, standing there

Was STEVE SMITH, in all of his horrible glory,
His dank body hair matted and gory.
He possessed two incredibly bloodshot eyes;
Oh, and a phallus of enormous size.

The creature turned and gave me a wink,
And just as I was beginning to think
That I was a goner, now it appeared
Perhaps things would not be quite as I feared.

Instead, he turned his attention to see
All of the Glib-gifts under the tree.
Then it hit me like a clap of thunder –
His purpose and intention to plunder!

All the things we had bought, he stuffed into a sack,
Our unopened presents, he proceeded to pack.
All of the firearms, sex toys, and lube,
Our home-brew kits, our blow-up dolls – hey, rube!

This was our whole holiday he was stealing,
But as I stood there, I had the feeling
That if I tried to stop him, he’d pound me, I knew
Into a greasy little pile of goo.

So while I stood cowering, tame as a mouse,
The creature went all about the house
Taking all that he wanted; why, he even took
Every Ayn Rand and Hayek and Mises book.

When he was finally done, he heaved a great sigh,
And again fixed me with a bloodshot eye.
Though the beast seemed to be in a jovial mood
I had only one thought: Holy crap, I am screwed.

But as I stood there trembling, my mouth agape,
The monster assured me: “DON’T WORRY, NO RAPE –
STEVE SMITH EXHAUSTED AFTER LONG NIGHT OF THEFT.
ALMOST FEEL SORRY, YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT.

BUT REMEMBER THIS: GLIB-MAS NOT ABOUT EARTHLY THINGS
BUT FREEDOM AND ALL THE JOY THAT IT BRINGS.”
With that he stepped out, with his large pack fumbling,
To his sled and his slave-trolls all a-grumbling.

Within moments the over-burdened sleigh
Rose into the sky, and then away –
Leaving only a horrible stink.
“No one will believe this,” I started to think.

I was up the rest of the night explaining;
I really don’t think I deserved the caning.
Ah, well. As STEVE SMITH said, as he vanished from sight,
”MERRY GLIB-MAS TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!”

About The Author

wchipperdove

wchipperdove

Southern, but not a gentleman. Obsessed with vintage pop culture.

204 Comments

  1. Count Potato

    Big thanks to CPRM for the Christmas special!

  2. Tonio

    I’ll try to join GlibZoom, but may be late. No cold opening tonight, but I encourage others to work on theirs.

    Thanks for all the love (and hate!) here and in my mailbox. You people rock.

    • KOVIDKristen

      I’m doing fancy tonight…I gotta fond the sparkliest thing I own

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Great bad movie.

      • rhywun

        I’m beginning to doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion, Tox.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        What did I say wrong?

        Haven’t seen DD in an age either.

        (I think you and I would get along like a pair of colts in a pasture. And I miss NY.)

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        (Ahem. Not angling for you to clear off your sofa; just musing.)

  3. Gender Traitor

    Bravo!!!

  4. The Late P Brooks

    BUT REMEMBER THIS: GLIB-MAS NOT ABOUT EARTHLY THINGS
    BUT FREEDOM AND ALL THE JOY THAT IT BRINGS.

    Remember that when Ballgag Joe and Kamaulya have liberated you from the burden of personal wealth and possessions.

    Freedom!

      • Gustave Lytton

        CDC predicts up to 420K deaths by mid-January”

        Yep, that would be about right for total deaths between now and then.

      • Hyperion

        When was it that they weren’t just making shit up?

      • Count Potato

        January?

      • Hyperion

        No, they were just making up different shit, about different shit. Russians, mostly.

      • C. Anacreon

        January? Of course the prediction is to mid-January, because after January 20th they’ll use a different definition, and daily “deaths due to covid” will miraculously plummet, because we finally have the right people in charge who will save us all.

      • But Enough About My "Essential Retiree" Status

        TC over at Marginal Revolution is defending him. Apparently, Fauci’s changing pronouncements are very “Straussian.”

        I still don’t know what people like TC mean by “Straussian.”

      • DEG

        I guessed it.

      • kbolino

        Duplicitous?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Did he come up with incrementalism because that’s what Fauci’s doing: Start off with a lie that’s acceptable and work towards where you want to end up but people wouldn’t have bought initially.

      • Chafed

        I think he is just making up a number and/or trying to scare us into compliance with the 90% prediction.

    • Ownbestenemy

      A mytical creature that transcends time and physics needs a mask….

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I didn’t realize that right jolly old elves could even get it.

    • rhywun

      SuPErsPrEadEr!

    • Nephilium

      Damn your lies.

      NORAD is tracking Santa. Why aren’t we tracking our government’s complicity in Santa’s lies?

    • Ted S.

      I’d think banning “picnic” would be more offensive and harmful to morale.

      • rhywun

        To be fair, the 18th-century Frenchmen who invented the word were surely unwoke af.

      • Tres Cool

        Yogi bear hardest hit.

      • C. Anacreon

        Then he won’t be able to eat unless he makes a boo-boo.

    • Tulip

      Brown bag? Really, have they never seen paper lunch bags?

      • kinnath

        Racist calibration system used by light people of color against dark people of color.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        someone was bitching that Padilla wasn’t black, you know: like Kamala

        40% of the state is xxxlxaxtxixnxxx, but they deserve more “black” because reasons and the Mexicans can just wait

        I am delighted to see racial bullshit eating itself alive

      • zwak

        And now we know why you can only get shit “light roast” coffee anymore…

    • Chafed

      Orwell says I told you so.

  5. Derpetologist

    Well done. Truly proof that a poem is indeed craftsmanship (for that is what poem means in Greek)

    https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/26714/quick-10-10-alternate-versions-visit-st-nicholas

    ***
    “A Visit from St. Nicholas” is one of the most parodied pieces ever written – more than 1,000 versions have been penned by professional writers and amateurs alike. Here are a few of them, but rest assured there’s a version out there for just about any profession or interest you can think of.

    1. My personal favorite: the Hemingway-inspired version by writer James Thurber. It first appeared in The New Yorker in 1927.
    Sample text: “It was the night before Christmas. The house was very quiet. No creatures were stirring in the house. There weren’t even any mice stirring. The stockings had been hung carefully by the chimney. The children hoped that Saint Nicholas would come and fill them. The children were in their beds. Their beds were in the room next to ours. Mamma and I were in our beds. Mamma wore a kerchief. I had my cap on. I could hear the children moving. We didn’t move. We wanted the children to think we were asleep.”
    ***

    ***
    8. A Pirate’s Night Before Christmas by Philip Yates.
    Sample text: “When out in the mist thar arose such a racket, I slid down the mast with me sword to attack it.
    Away to the poop deck I ran very fast, I threw off the anchor and shouted ‘Avast!'”
    ***

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Nah, she’s perfect and I even like her teeth. If only her brain wasn’t made out of mashed potatoes.

    • robc

      Voting isn’t about policy, its about team.

    • Hyperion

      “Then why don’t they vote that way?”

      They tried, but the dead, those voting multiple times, those ineligible to vote (not citizens) and machine algorithms overruled them.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    CDC predicts up to 420K deaths by mid-January”

    Wishful thinking.

    “Please don’t let people think we’re becoming irrelevant!”

    • Sean

      I look forward to less traffic.

  7. The Late P Brooks

    “Picnic”?

    • slumbrew

      You don’t want to know. It’s more stupid than you can imagine.

      • kbolino

        To be fair, the others are only slightly less stupid.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        I want to know what the supposed deal is, SB. If it’s not too much trouble.

      • slumbrew

        “Picnic traces back to the meal they’d prepare when going to witness a lynching”. Something along those lines. Seriously.

        So, so stupid.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Danke.

      • Chafed

        I have never heard that. I’ll be shocked if there is any truth to the supposed history of the word. And thanks for explaining.

      • C. Anacreon

        Probably as truthful as a boulder being racist at University of Wisconsin.

      • MikeS

        That is one of the most asinine things I’ve seen yet. And to top it off, it’s not enough to only remove it; the empty space left behind will be a terrible reminder of the boulder’s racism. The horror can only be reversed by spending money to create some sort of monument to not-white people.

    • Ted S.

      William Holden and Kim Novak were totes racist?

      • C. Anacreon

        Kim was XXY, so I’m sure the trans crowd would give her an exception.

      • Fourscore

        Kim kept a young Fourscore in a constant state of anxiety. I would have given her an exception.

    • Broswater

      From what I get, it’s about as silly as banning the Chinese word for ”uh”.

  8. DEG

    🙂

  9. Tonio

    Thanks, wchipperdove, for this enduring and heartwarming holiday tradition.

    • Tres Cool

      Clearly you missed my link previously: Yum.

      Demi is too petite for my tastes. And not really thicc.

  10. Count Potato

    “My Clitter is the perfect way to add that sparkle to play time.
    Insert the capsule into the vagina up to 2 hours before the fun time begins. The capsule will dissolve releasing a sparkly mixture of glitter and lube adding a magical element to your sex life!
    If Tinkerbell uses lube, this is it!”

    https://www.fizzinbathbombs.com/products/adults-clittercapsules

    • Sean

      “I squirted glitter all over my bed it took hours to get out.”

      O M G

    • limey

      Something to brighten your gynecologist’s day.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Interesting, now what would Demi Rose use? Imma go with either Crisco or bacon grease.

    • Tres Cool

      “no idea how I got this UTI, doc…”

    • kinnath

      No FOD in the cunte

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      The herpes of arts & crafts meets the herpes of… well… the real herpes.

      • limey

        ??

    • Derpetologist

      ***
      The term herpes is derived from the Greek word “to creep or crawl” and dates back to early Greek civilization, approximately 2000 years ago, in reference to the spreading nature of herpetic skin lesions. Herpes simplex virus type 1
      ***

      Herpetology is the study of crawling creatures.

      And now you know…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ygs3IHJ2bM

      • Gender Traitor

        So the current epidemic of incurable stupidity is…derpes?

    • limey

      Just brilliant.

    • kbolino

      Congress is proof that the rotten culture of the U.S. government starts at the top.

    • Derpetologist

      I’m gonna miss Trump’s “a bunch of okey-doke, just because it sounds funny or the tweets are provocative”, to use Obama’s phrasing.

      Supposedly, Obama was a great orator, but the only lines I remember are the ones about people bitterly clinging to guns and religion and if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.

      vs.

      “I was elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not Paris.” and “Bomb the shit out of ’em.”

      Trump quotes read by Zapp Brannigan:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=406KqNDgKuI

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      He’s a funny guy.

    • KOVIDKristen

      danke schon

    • Count Potato

      “n the 21st century, twelve years of school isn’t enough. That’s why under the Biden-Harris plan, community college will be free — and public colleges and universities will be tuition-free for families earning less than $125,000 a year.”

      https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1341931601060454401

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        twelve years of school isn’t enough

        Fuck. Off.

        12 years is about 3 years too many for basic competence to get an entry level low-skill job, IMO.

      • kbolino

        And yet, the average college graduate today couldn’t pass the Harvard Entrance Exam from 1869.

        Making community college free is extra dumb. It’s already substantially cheaper than 4-year college and serves as a good test of whether you’ll be able to handle the workload before you possibly waste lots of money and time.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Not to mention an easy way to pick up skills or training later in life. Can you go back to middle school or high school?

        Next up will to extend compulsory education to Grade 16. And down to preschool.

      • Tulip

        For things like cooking, art, languages and even plumbing and car repair, look for community ed.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        “free”
        And 125K a year families can afford to send their kids to college if they want. Get fucked you old fool.

      • KOVIDKristen

        It’s Education Inflation.

        80 years ago, a high school diploma was pretty good and would get you a nice industrial job with the opportunity to move up with experience.

        200 years ago an elementary education was adequate for middle class status

        1000 years ago, be able to write was top-notch

        In another 100 years, you’ll need a PhD to be a babysitter

      • Tulip

        I would say the world has changed. If you can’t read, life will be very hard for you. But there has been a lot of credential inflation. A receptionist at a motel doesn’t need a college degree. A legal secretary might – certainly needs some training.

      • C. Anacreon

        Heck, most of the employees at our company in starting positions, essentially doing secretarial work, have Masters degrees.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        A legal secretary might

        Nope.

        certainly needs some training.

        Yep. This is the issue, right? It’s just assumed that a credential (bachelor’s degree) == trainable. There’s no basis for that, especially when looking at some of the common degrees that legal secretaries have (English, psychology, education, etc.). There’s nothing in those degree paths that make them particularly better at secretarial work than some 19 year old with a GED. The only reason that that credential is important is the cultural assumption over the last 30+ years that anybody dependable enough to work such a job had gone to college.

  11. PutridMeat

    Very nice. Insert standing ovation .gif here.

  12. Gustave Lytton

    I detest the NORAD Santa tracker.

    • kinnath

      It was amusing 40 years ago when my kids were small.

    • Raven Nation

      Bah, humbug!

    • Broswater

      The ”In Fauci, we trust” tells you everything you need to know about those people

      Nah, not a cult at all.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    What a delightful Christmas Eve feast: spaghetti (Italian sausage, sauce with extra mushrooms and black olives over angel hair pasta). Tomorrow, I think I’ll have a hamburger and some macaroni and cheese.

    Living it up.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    “Picnic traces back to the meal they’d prepare when going to witness a lynching”. Something along those lines. Seriously.

    So, so stupid.

    I figured it had something to do with a phonetic similarity to “pickaninnies” What a bunch of naggers and nigglers.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    I thought a picnic was what you called it when you took your best gal for a ride on the buckboard.

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      Is there such a thing as a penis owner? Because often it seems that the penis owns me.

      • Animal

        That last sentence pretty much explains my first marriage.

    • Animal

      Legal in Nevada outside of Clark County.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    twelve years of school isn’t enough

    If you look at the curricula from the forties and fifties, a high school graduate was better educated than most of our 21st century college juniors.

    It’s not a question of seat time.

    • Crusty Juggler

      Elmo Shropshire fucks.

    • Gender Traitor

      The one and only true rendition of that song, as far as I’m concerned. Accept no substitutes.

  17. Crusty Juggler

    Kevin Spacey saved my life.

    I’ve decided to stick around for 2021.

    Merry Christmas, friends.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Kevin Spacey saved my life.

    I’ve decided to stick around for 2021.

    If that’s what it takes, I’m for it.

    • Crusty Juggler
  19. The Late P Brooks

    vagina owners

    I’d just like to borrow one, now and then.

    • Crusty Juggler
  20. The Late P Brooks

    For things like cooking, art, languages and even plumbing and car repair, look for community ed.

    I have some friends who took “adult ed” welding classes at the high school, a while back. It was hardly exhaustive, but they got the basics, and went from there.

    • Tulip

      In my county, you can actually get certifications for some stuff

  21. Yusef drives a Kia

    Looks like a White Christmas after all, Making treats and drinkin’ Beer, anybody like Haystacks?
    Cheers!

    • hayeksplosives

      We’ve got some much needed rain here in the Mount Palomar region.

      The plants will be happy!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I ‘member Santa Anas and tumbleweeds on my doorstep for Christmas, way back when,

      • But Enough About My "Essential Retiree" Status

        You’re near the observatory?

        Coooool.

      • hayeksplosives

        It’s nice because there is not much light pollution at night, so even in our own yard we can see far more stars than we ever saw in Minneapolis.

        The observatory has been closed to visitors since March due to the ‘Vid.

  22. KOVIDKristen

    I just now discovered my cable company has third-party apps like YouTube and Amazon on it. Now I can get rid of that misbegotten FireTV stick and HDMI cable.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I need that cable!

    • Count Potato

      #1

  23. westernsloper

    A timeless holiday classic.

  24. DEG

    NY gym owner gets a Christmas present

    An Orchard Park gym will be allowed to open at 100 percent capacity after being granted a preliminary injunction by a New York State Supreme Court judge.

    The Honorable Paul B. Wojtaszek issued the oral ruling on Wednesday, said attorney Paul Cambria, who is representing the gym Athletes Unleashed.

    2 On Your Side has submitted a transcript request with the court clerk’s office.

    “This is a huge win,” Athletes Unleashed owner Robbie Dinero said.

    “The fact that the precedent has been set that we can open at full capacity, so long as we abide by the safety guidelines and protocols that do work, that’s a huge win.”

    Wednesday’s ruling only addresses the state’s 25 percent gym capacity limit, which Cambria argued was arbitrary and capricious. While not meant to diminish the COVID-19 pandemic, the judge said his ruling rather respected a “right to normalcy.”

  25. DEG

    There are multiple cases about the PA restaurant shut down. Here is an update about the one in Federal court. Unfortunately, it is not going well.

    Saying the edict doesn’t violate the U.S. Constitution, a federal judge Wednesday refused a plea by two midstate restaurants and a local trade association to block Gov. Tom Wolf from enforcing his temporary COVID-19 related ban on indoor dining at restaurants.

    U.S. Middle District Judge Christopher C. Conner stressed that he understands the economic pain the dine-in prohibition is causing. Still, he concluded his court cannot intervene in the absence of a civil rights violation which the Hershey Independent Restaurant Association and the owners of the Fenicci’s of Hershey and The River House Bar & Grill failed to demonstrate.

    • kbolino

      the absence of a civil rights violation

      You have the right to cast an almost meaningless vote, to voice approved thoughts on approved platforms, and of course you have the right to petition the government for more handouts. But beyond that, the state has rights not you, peasant.

    • prolefeed

      I’d run that case all the way to SCOTUS, rather than let some jackass appointed by Bush Jr. to prevail.

  26. hayeksplosives

    Sounds like Steve Smith got a gig with the IRS.

    Nah; Steve will put the plunder to better use than the IRS would.

  27. KOVIDKristen

    Chemistry nerds – how does a molecule of sulfur dioxide compare to the size of a COVID? I was just watching an update on Kilauea and they were saying the masks were not effective for “vog”, and that struck me as…odd. I just kind of assumed the components of “vog” would be bigger than a virus.

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      probably the question is what kind of mask are we talking about . . . do they mean “respirator?”

      • KOVIDKristen

        No – they were saying the Hawaii Dept of Health said the usual COVID masks are ineffectual for the vog

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        I’m probably too out of touch to understand what they mean. What most people are wearing are wovens: they can’t stop any gases, so that couldn’t possibly be what they mean. Even N95 are meant to stop particles . . . meaning solids/dusts.

        What could they possibly mean?

    • But Enough About My "Essential Retiree" Status

      Hmmmm. Only been to the Big once, but when we experienced vog while I was there, I kept thinking the only thing that might stop it would be the organic solvent masks I used to wear when I worked in a furniture warehouse and did lots of Scotch-garding of couches etc. Those suckers largely seemed to work at the molecular level. (They also restricted the amount of oxygen you got through the mask, to the point where you’d get “high” not from solvent inhalation, but from anoxia. You usually had to be pulled from the spray-station by a supervisor who could recognize the signs.)

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Viruii are about 10nm, Sulfur particles should be bigger IIRC,

  28. MikeS

    Just watched the very special Hat & Hair Christmas episode (Bravo, CPRM!) and this was in the recommend list. It’s been a while, so I re-watched the whole thing. New Christmas tradition?

  29. Yusef drives a Kia

    Did the Fudge, Carmelized the Haystacks, but they still smell good, next is the Brownies Supremo,
    ‘Bakin’

    • Nephilium

      Tonight was chicken and dumplings, tomorrow for breakfast is biscuits and gravy, with steaks for dinner.

      The year may be shitty, but I’ll eat well this last week of it.

      • straffinrun

        What time should I show up?

      • Nephilium

        Depends on how late I stay up tonight. Nowhere for the girlfriend and I to go tomorrow, so whenever I wake up is when I’ll start the breakfast.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I woke up at 2pm after a night of carousing with friends, so today is pretty much a loss, I still have 2 pies and cookies to do before tomorrow,
        Zoom and Bake?

    • DEG

      Sounds delicious.

  30. straffinrun

    Merry, Merry. Kid woke my ass up at 5am. She got her Nintendo Switch and the wife got her heavy bag. Kid had to leave for school and the wife is in zoom meeting. Time for me to start morning drinking.

    • Gender Traitor

      Merry Christmas, straff. : )

      • straffinrun

        You too, GT. Smiley face.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        You There! in the Future!
        Merry Christmas

    • Count Potato

      Merry Christmas!

    • MikeS

      Cheers, Straff. Merry Christmas.

      • straffinrun

        And cheers to you all. I like this time after the gifts are done and the wife is busy. *Drops Hanky* FRRRRREEEDOOOOOM!

    • DEG

      Merry Christmas!

  31. Mojeaux

    Somehow I read the poem as Steve Smith having TWO phalluses.

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      I’ve got a 1959 Gibson amp with a mechanical reverb; the original Gibson tubes are boxed away, but I’m still running the Jensen blue cone from the factory, good enough for my Duane Eddy romps.

  32. Count Potato

    “Hunter Biden’s Amtrak Grift

    Americans were led to believe Hunter Biden did not profit from Amtrak at all after his father became Vice President in 2009.

    But the truth is he did.

    It’s hyperbolic for some corner of the internet to claim Hunter Biden made $1.76 million off of Amtrak. AP was completely right to fact-check that. However in their effort to debunk the narrative AP missed the mark. From July 2006 to February 2009 the outlet claims “Amtrak paid Biden a total of $32,850, which represents per diem fees paid for attending 43 board meetings.”

    I’m here to tell you the AP was wrong. The mainstream narrative that Hunter Biden’s relationship with Amtrak ended solely there is wrong. Hunter’s paycheck from Amtrak related business is in the six figure range, not five. To prove it I have a digital paper trail of emails from the infamous hard drive from hell. The leak of Hunter Biden’s files that kicked off the public scrutiny of his business dealings in the first place.

    Here’s a taste of what I’ll go over….”

    https://nickmonroe.blog/2020/12/24/hunter-biden-amtrak-grift/

  33. EvilSheldon

    *sigh*

    Bad news – I was apparently in contact this week with someone who had the cooties. So my plan to visit the folks for a couple days over Christmas, has been put in abeyance. Fuck.

    Worse news – I’m completely out of heavy cream. What the hell am I supposed to put in my coffee tomorrow morning? FUCK!

    Better news – Unexpected holiday bonus at work. I’m thinking about cheering myself up with another CZ Shadow 2-OR…

    • KOVIDKristen

      Would 1/2 & 1/2 work in a pinch? Most convenience stores at least have that

    • Sean

      Bourbon.

    • DEG

      Bad news – I was apparently in contact this week with someone who had the cooties. So my plan to visit the folks for a couple days over Christmas, has been put in abeyance. Fuck.

      Sorry. I hope you don’t show symptoms. If you do, I hope they are short-lived.

      Worse news – I’m completely out of heavy cream. What the hell am I supposed to put in my coffee tomorrow morning? FUCK!

      Bailey’s.

      Better news – Unexpected holiday bonus at work. I’m thinking about cheering myself up with another CZ Shadow 2-OR…

      Hmm…. sounds like a good plan.

      • EvilSheldon

        No symptoms. Also, no Baileys. Closest thing in the booze stockpile is a little bottle of Kahlua. I do have plenty of whiskey and brandy, including a bottle of 7-year-old Applejack, hmm…

  34. KOVIDKristen

    Apparently there’s no non-boozified eggnog to be found in my zip code. Do I attempt a half-assed version with my own ingredients (milk, eggs, spices, and booze)? Or say fukkit and just have a G&T?

    • Mojeaux

      Why would your version be half-assed? That’s exactly what goes into egg nog.

      • KOVIDKristen

        No cream

      • Mojeaux

        Do you have evaporated milk?

      • KOVIDKristen

        hhmmm…I don’t think so. Just regular. At least it’s whole!

      • Mojeaux

        Well, that would do.

    • Nephilium

      Do you have cider? You could make a wassail which would be appropriate. If not, it sounds like you’ve got the ingredients for Alton Brown’s Eggnog recipe.

      Otherwise, hot buttered rum could work as well.

      • KOVIDKristen

        I have non-alcoholic sparkling cider, gin, rye, & Tennessee Honey. May the TN Honey would work in the cider.

      • Mojeaux

        That egg nog recipe looks scrumptious, but I alone can’t drink that much and I’m the only one in the house who likes egg nog.

      • Nephilium

        IIRC, you can cut down the recipe into individual servings. The issue then is the hassle that it takes to make a single drink.

      • EvilSheldon

        It is sooooooooooo good, but it’s also rich enough to float a Krugerrand in.

      • Mojeaux

        I think that would make my sinuses clog up for days.

    • straffinrun

      MMMMmmm. GnT.

    • EvilSheldon

      Well, a G&T is always an acceptable answer.

      But I’m about to make a Cinnamon Bourbon Flip (cinnamon-infused bourbon, amaretto, a raw egg, and nutmeg) myself. That’s a legit cocktail and not half-assed at all.

  35. Count Potato

    “Dr. Anthony Fauci has been slowly but deliberately moving the goal posts on when herd immunity is possible. He is doing so, he said, partly based on new science, and partly on his gut feeling that the U.S. is finally ready to hear what he really thinks.”

    https://twitter.com/nytimes/status/1342085152739090434

    CWAA

    • Gustave Lytton

      Yes, it is that time of the year that Americans are forced to spend quality time with babbling senile folks.

      • Raven Nation

        I’ve been assured by some of my progressive friends that they still listen to Fauci’s advice because he’s pretty much been right about everything since this began in February.

      • MikeS

        When you’re the one writing the narrative, it’s easy to be right all the time.

    • KOVIDKristen

      Motherfucker is 80. WHY IS HE STILL WORKING????

      Fuckin bureaucrats

      • Gustave Lytton

        He’s been in the same position (head of the NIH subunit NIAID) for 36 years. He’s suffering from Hyman Rickover/J Edgar Hoover disease and likewise will not leave voluntarily.

        I’m generally in favor of longer tenures and against the fly by night job hopping going on, but that is way too long and is poisonous to the organization to be in that top spot for so long.

        He’s also symptomatic of the problem with modern public health (aside from the wokeness). The experience is almost entirely shaped by AIDS and epidemics in Third World countries. There’s a paternalism and nannyism that’s totally infected their thinking. Those dumb fags/wogs need to do what we tell them.

      • KOVIDKristen

        I sometimes see dodderers around the agency where I work, and I always think “WTF are you doing here? Take your government pension that you were eligible for 20 years ago and enjoy what’s left of your life”.

      • Rebel Scum

        WHY IS HE STILL WORKING?

        Some people feel like there is nothing else if there is not work. Some people feel like there is nothing else if there is not power. I think we know which side Fauxchi is on.

        partly on his gut feeling that the U.S. is finally ready to hear what he really thinks.

        What he thinks. What his puppet masters told him to say. Tomayto. Tomahto.

    • rhywun

      We’re not worthy.

  36. Tulip

    I made a steak with a red wine pan sauce. Came out perfect, melt in your mouth. Now I’m too full.

    • KOVIDKristen

      Oh yum!

  37. Rebel Scum

    Good work.

    Dinner.

    Christmas cat.

    I checked on the tracking Santa thingy. Nothing has changed in 20 years (or more…) but now I see a blueish covering on Santa’s face. I am sure that is necessary for a mythical being and does not restrict breathing in the cold and dampness of the atmosphere. It appears that the convid propaganda runs deep.

    • Tulip

      Cute kitty

    • DEG

      The food looks good.

      The cat is cute.

    • Rebel Scum

      Nice. Is that Michelle Obama’s relatively attractive younger sister?

    • MikeS

      I laughed, recognized myself and cried, then laughed some more.

  38. dbleagle

    Going to grill some fresh caught mahi mahi in a couple of hours. (We saw no whales but caught a nice fish today.) I have a decent French vouvray chillimg.

    I’ll video in with the kids and grandkids around 8:30 since they’ll be opening presents in Germany. I’ll have some of my aged nog with the call.

    Best holiday wishes to you all!

    Massively simply done christmas song. The first shows real emotion and I kill the video before the second song which I have hated for many a year.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAEJKg0lSPk