What They Call It

by | Dec 3, 2020 | Fiction | 237 comments

“Why can’t I get a whisky today?”  Charles asked.

“I punched the last of your ration card yesterday Chuck. You know the law.”  The bartender replied.

Charles slouched back into the wooden stool.  The evenings here sometimes got boring but he was determined to wait for the man he was waiting on.

“Probably for the best anyway Chuck, otherwise you’d start with those crazy stories again.”

“They’re not crazy, Bobby.  You’ll see.”  Charles argued.

The bar was nondescript like everything else in Vicksburg.  The few lamps that were on flickered momentarily catching everyone’s attention.  The power wasn’t always reliable.  Only a brown-out this time around. They went back to their drinks and conversations.

“Hey, I’m not judging.  After the war a lot of guys fell overboard.”  Bobby replied.  “It’s just not funny anymore.”

“They weren’t exactly meant to be funny.”

“He telling them stories again there Bob?” A large, sweaty man walked over and sat in the shaky stool next to Charles.  Scooting as far forward as his gut would allow.  He looked at Bobby, “ya outta get this fixed.”

“Sorry Mac, I won’t have authorization to purchase the wood until spring.  Be careful.”  Bobby answered.  The man just nodded in understanding before looking back at Charles.

“Tell ya what, let’s hear them again.”  Mac demanded.

“I really don’t feel like going through this again.”  Charles answered.

“What?  Don’t want to tell me about the aliens?  They kidnap you while you were flying your Dauntless and tell you all these amazing things you did in another life?”

“I flew a Mustang, and they weren’t aliens…”  Charles muttered.

“What else?  We won the war while it was still in Europe?  The Soviets didn’t double cross us and ally with Hamilton’s provinces? You had me going until that flying faster than sound thing.  We all know that’s not possible.”  Mac said.

“Anything’s possible.”

“Is that what that bald midget told you?”  The man snickered and snorted.  “You know better than that, we’re not allowed to attempt the impossible. Commissars hate that.”  Mac slid a heavy paper card riddled with small holes across the bar and set down the clay cup and motioned for Bobby to refill it.  “Maybe you ought not be talkin about it.”

The shutters began to move.  Creaking loudly from their hinges as the wind pressing against them.  Another winter storm brewing.

“Is that them Chuck?  Coming back for ya?”  Mac teased.

Bobby walked over and poured another round of the thick, clear, yellowish liquid into the clay cup.  He pulled a rusted tool from behind the bar and punched another hole in the card,

“Thanks Bobby.”

The shutters creaked again.

An unfamiliar man walked in.  Dressed in loose fitting,  olive green coveralls and a brown leather bomber jacket.  His heavy boots echoed through the room with the squawk of the loose floorboards as his feet lifted from the worn planks.  His jacket had a symbol on his left arm of a yellow star with wings, circumscribed by a blue field.  A symbol Charles had seen a few years before in an already forgotten time.  He sat down wearily at the bar.

“Tell me you have something.”  He asked Bobby.

“I am only authorized to distribute whisky.  I need to see your ration card.”  Bobby answered.  The man rubbed at his temples for a moment.

“If I hear more about ration cards…. That’s what everyone east of the Mississippi has been asking me.  You know what the last few days have been like for me?”  He asked.

“Not really.”  Bobby answered after he realized they had all been silent for a time.

“I had to bail out of a B-17.  I wound up dropping a bit far from where I expected, the chute got caught in some trees about 25 feet up.  After cutting myself loose it stormed for a couple days and then I found this cabin.”

“Where did you land?”  Mac asked.

“Other side of the river.  The cabin looked empty, and I went in thinking there might be some food.  I found a can of pork-n-beans.  You know how I knew that?  I was a can with a plain white label that said pork-n-beans.  No company logos or anything.  Then I see that three kids were hiding from me. They said their parents got hung–for hunting.  I couldn’t take it from them.  That was the last time I saw food anywhere.”

“Well, the commissars did outlaw hunting–” Bobby went on.

“And everywhere between the south side of Memphis and here since, they keep asking me for a ration card.  Always with the ration card.  It’s gotten to the point, barkeep, where I’m just gonna show you this.”  He casually pulled out an M1911A-1 pistol from under his jacket pocket and clicked off the safety.  It’s business end pointed at Bobby.  “Here is my Goddamn ration card.  Whaddaya got, barkeep?”

All the patrons were taken by surprise.  A few jumped from their chairs and backed away.  Charles instantly recognized the pistol.  He had one like it but it was confiscated after the war.

“I’m authorized to distribute whisky.”

“Whiskey.  Now that sounds great!”  The man said.  He clicked the safety and returned the pistol back to it’s place behind his jacket.

Hesitantly, Bobby poured the thick yellow liquid into another clay cup.  The man took it and held the cup under his nose.  Charles continued to stare at the symbol on the jacket from the corner of his eye.

“This is whiskey?”  He asked, looking up from the cup.

“Thats what they call it.”  Bobby replied.

The shutters swung open.  Letting the wind whistle into the room.

“What direction do those face?”  The man asked.  Bobby thought about it for a moment before he answered.

“West.  Why?”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m certain.”

“As certain as you are this is whiskey you gave me?”  The man asked sarcastically.

“Like I said, that’s what they call it.”

He got up from the bar, and walked over to the windows and promptly closed them.  Securing them shut, he did the same to the door that he entered through.

“Just in case.”  He said.

“In case of what?”  Mac asked.

“I’d rather not say.”  The man replied casually.  He took a sip of the whisky.  “Ugh.”  He handed Bobby back the cup.  “This stuff is good if you want to go fucking blind.”

“Won’t say?  Why don’t you tell us more about how you got here.  You say you didn’t land where you expected–”  Mac asked.

“Yeah, I got on the plane in England, flew over France but somehow or another I wound up bailing out and landing in Tennessee.”  The man said.

“You’re starting to sound like him.”  Mac said, giving Charles a less than courteous look.

“Why what have you been telling people?”  He asked Charles.

“He was kidnapped by aliens.”  Mac replied.

“Yeah?”

“Kidnapped him while he was flying a Dauntless.  Flew into a blinding light.  Talked to people in this white room where he saw himself doing amazing things, in rocket powered planes.”  Mac went on.

Charles gritted his teeth.  That’s not what happened at all.

“Then to top it all off, some German guy and his midget pal tell him this big story of a unified America.”  Mac continued.

A knock came at the door.  Not the kind that somebody does to announce they are there.  It was a single hard thud, that made Charles notice the dust being knocked off the walls.

“German guy, yeah. I met him.  I actually shot him.  In a room full of TVs?”  The man asked Charles.

“What’s a T-V?”  Charles asked.

“You saw yourself right, only like in a movie?”  The man asked.

“Yes.”

“Wait, you shot him?  You know what the penalty is here for that?”  Mac asked.

A shutter cracked open and followed by a decrepit hand feeling it’s way around.

“Wait, wait, what’s going on out there?”  Bobby asked.

“Smoking a scrimshaw pipe?”  The man asked.

“Yes, it was–”

The door swung open slapping the wall with a crack that got everyone’s attention.  Grunts and screams began to fill the room.  Rotting corpses walked in, wearing dusty clothes that tattered.  Some of their limbs only hung because their clothes kept them there.  They weren’t walking aimlessly, but looking for something.

“Beautiful?”  The man asked.

“What the hell is that!?”  Bobby yelled.

“Yes it was beautiful craftsmanship.”  Charles replied.

“You have a gun, shoot them!”  Mac demanded.

“Bullets don’t work on the dead.”  The man said casually.  The corpses began to knock over tables and chairs.  Making their way towards the bar where other patrons had backed themselves.  The man turned back to Charles.  “You have a note for me, Chuck.  Let me see it.”

Charles lifted his shirt to and turned to show an identical symbol tattooed on his back.  Underneath were plainly written coordinates imbued into his skin:  (38.79N; -100.76W)

“Thank you.”  He looked at Bobby.  “You have a back door?”  The dead began to find what they were looking for.  One corpse had a patron lifted by the neck, and inspected the man’s teeth.

“No.  What are these things?”  Bobby answered.

“They are here to reclaim souls…of those that shouldn’t be on this Earth.”  The living began to fight back with tables and chairs.  Wood cracked, shattered and broke against the dead amid the screams.

“Slaugh Shide?”  Bobby asked

“What’s that in English?”  The man asked.

“I don’t know, it’s what they call it.  Just an old Irish legend.”  Bobby replied, he ducked under the bar.  “How are you so calm?”

The man pulled out a matchbook, and lit a single match.

“Because I know you can only kill them with fire.”  He stared blankly as the flame flickered and watched it make its way towards the wooden fuel. “It reacts pure, equally, and without remorse.”

He grabbed the cup of whisky and looked at Mac.

“No hard feelings.”

The man threw the whisky into Mac’s face.

“What the hell is wrong with you!?”  Mac screamed as the match lit his whisky soaked face.  The man pushed him into the center of there room where the dead were attracted to Mac’s flailing arms and helpless screams.  Broken wood and tattered, dusty clothes ignited in the center of the room.  The man got up from his stool and began to make his way out. Through the flaming corpses.

“Wait. Who are you?”  Charles asked.

“I’m Walter Jennings.”

 

An Innocent Object

Aces and Eights

The 8th of January

The Junction

About The Author

Glib Staff

Glib Staff

237 Comments

    • DEG

      I open #1’s iChive gallery, and face diaper pictures. Blech.

      • westernsloper

        4 doesn’t have any. Oh my.

      • creech

        #1 has a nice helicopter on her head.

    • blackjack

      They’ve definitely come to reclaim some souls.

    • straffinrun

      While it’s the Thot that counts, OT with the first comment?

      • rhywun

        ?

      • straffinrun

        All I see is a box. Don’t put me in that thing!

    • The Other Kevin

      Those archive links never worked on my phone. This week my phone stopped working and they sent me an upgrade. Now this link works. I’m thankful for the small the things.

    • Swiss Servator

      2 whole minutes you waited?

      • UnCivilServant

        He would have posted faster, but he didn’t pre-compose the comment.

  1. DEG

    “Why can’t I get a whisky today?” Charles asked.

    “I punched the last of your ration card yesterday Chuck. You know the law.” The bartender replied.

    An ominous beginning.

  2. Ted S.

    What They Call It

    They. Call. It. MISTER Tibbs!

  3. DEG

    Zombies or commissars…. I’m not sure which are worse.

      • Gustave Lytton

        You deserve a splash of “whiskey” on the face for linking After the Fire instead of Falco. Who does that?

      • rhywun

        Ted’S does that. It’s his thing, and we love him for it.

      • blackjack

        They not often good songs, but they generally relate in some way to the subject.

      • rhywun

        A normal brain like mine posts good songs that are related.

      • Gustave Lytton

        It’s the same song, just the sucking version of it.

  4. DEG

    I like it.

  5. westernsloper

    These are great! Thanks for the read.

  6. straffinrun

    Charles can’t get a whisky, nobody believes his story and he gets lit on fire in the end. Tell me Charles is Governor Newsom.

    • Fourscore

      If only. CA may be a zombie state if things keep going in the same direction

      • rhywun

        I just heard that LA banned the outdoors.

        WTF?

      • blackjack

        Exact words were, ” Cancel everything!” Not exactly the kind of thing you expect to here from your governor.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I think Mac gets the fire, not Charles.

      • straffinrun

        You’re right. *Self immolates*

  7. Fourscore

    Great story

    We had liquor/cigarette rations cards in VN, the little girls in ao dais had to punch the holes in our cards. I couldn’t smoke or drink enough to use up my quota. Liquor choices were limited but we were a captive audience so it didn’t matter.

    Some mornings we were like zombies though

    More to come?

    • Trigger Hippie

      History doesn’t repeat itself but it often rhymes*

      *stolen from somebody here

    • Swiss Servator

      *softly cries over 2 years under General Order number 1*

      • Jarflax

        If anyone had any question about the Saudi view of the U.S, military that should have answeredd them. Superpowers going in to rescue sand dunes from local bullies don’t order their troops to comply with oppressive local rule, Soldiers rented to foreign States by corrupt leaders on the other hand on the other hand…

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Ah yes, GO #1…”fun of any kind is strictly prohibited”.

  8. Crusty Juggler

    <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/02/style/flasks.html"<A Prohibition-era accessory once again seems practical.

    Stanley, a purveyor of stainless-steel portable beverage ware since 1913, has seen a huge increase in sales of its Classic Easy Fill Wide Mouth Flask 8oz ($25) during the pandemic, the company said. At the flask online superstore Flasks.com, the wedding-related flasks that have long driven revenue are down, while “smaller quantity orders” have risen sharply.

    “Based on that, we can conclude that generally more individuals are purchasing and using hip flasks during the pandemic,” said the owner Chris Barton. The Economy Hip Flask ($3.56) means even the cash strapped can join the walktail party.

    When I spoke with Joe Derochowski, a home industry adviser at the market research firm NPD Group, he pointed out another advantage of the flask I hadn’t thought to consider. When the pandemic hit, sales of margarita glasses went up 191 percent industrywide — presumably for virtual happy hours. “This time around, people might be looking for closed containers that won’t spill on their laptops,” he said.

    America is Great Again!

    • Crusty Juggler

      Charles
      NY1h ago

      Why do post an article praising the social ills of alcohol? I had a father who died of cirrorcis of the liver. Alcohol is death. It destroys untold lives. Causes billions in medical costs. It’s the root of all things destructive. To portray it as a positive outlet is doing a disservice to your readers.

      lol

      • Tres Cool

        My liver is so fat and black, it could have starred in the movie “Precious”.

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      She strikes me as insane. Out of everybody I’ve seen testify, she’s the one I believe the least.

      • BakedPenguin

        Those are not mutually exclusive.

      • LemonGrenade

        The hubby streamed the MI hearings and while, yeah, I admired her slutty librarian look because I have a thing for glasses and long hair, I also didn’t think she sounded that ridiculous. That clip was the choicest bits tossed into a short timeframe. Questions were hostile, to the point of actually accusing the witnesses of straight up lying, so I wouldn’t be surprised that some of them had their hackles up and/or started on the attack. Shit, if I were one of the witnesses, I probably would have been just as snarky in my response. I can recall some real classics I’ve blurted out under pressure.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        I don’t think she’s insane. I think she’s in a “cornered cat” mindset, and to be fair whether her story is true or not we’d all have a similar attitude in that circumstance.

        Here’s another video:
        https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=fNPf2af9xsk

        She’s much calmer here, still sounds ditzy, and same midwest accent.

    • Urthona

      Dude.

      That accent.

      Is that a scene from My Cousin Vinny?

      • The Other Kevin

        Is her biological clock tickin like this?

      • blackjack

        I had to help my wife with a car theft ring case. She’s a lawyer and I’m a mechanic. I started to mimic that movie. It was pretty funny, but you kind of had to be there.

      • The Other Kevin

        Did she treat you like a hostile witness?

      • blackjack

        Yes, but it didn’t last.

      • Trigger Hippie

        If she looked anything like a young Marisa Tomei, I wouldn’t have lasted long either.

      • westernsloper

        “Whadja do to the machines ya dick head?!!”

    • blackjack

      Yeah, the lip biting with the granny glasses is a little on the hot side. She looks like she’s trying to hot chick her way out of a traffic ticket.

    • westernsloper

      Ya, she has an 80’s Madonna meets best porn librarian thing going on. And the hearings look fake because they are fake. Bald dude is a politician, hence fake. He is a scrawny Dr Evil.

      • blackjack

        Prolly catch something from that chick though.

    • Tres Cool

      I concur.

      • dbleagle

        Great Walter Williams quote in the replies.

  9. Urthona

    My region of North Texas is rolling back to some covid restrictions.

    After Abbot said we would not.

    fuck fuck fuck.

    • LemonGrenade

      C’mon Charlie, kick the ball again. I promise, this time, I won’t pull it away at the last second.

      • Urthona

        He needs to roll on back out of office.

        Thats not a handicapped joke.

        ok. it is.

      • LemonGrenade

        I don’t think I’m going to go to hell for laughing at it, nor you for making it.

    • blackjack

      Yeah, my whole state is on house arrest. I have to work, because I’m “essential,” however.

      • Urthona

        I personally think Abbot doesn’t have a leg to stand on here.

        That’s not a handicapped joke.

        ok. it is.

      • LemonGrenade

        Clearly, he’s failing to rise to the occasion as Governor.

      • Urthona

        That’s the spirit.

      • The Gunslinger

        I wish he would step up to the plate and smash this once and for all.

      • Jarflax

        So is there a curse on the Abbotts? Every one I have ever heard of had a handicap. (Ok so that is atotal of two Abbotts).

      • blackjack

        It’s not cool to call Costello a “handicap”

      • Jarflax

        Crap, ok so 2 of 3 had handicaps.

      • LemonGrenade

        In fact, it’s really disappointing that he refuses to take a stand for liberty.

      • blackjack

        He’s coming up short and now life is a drag.

      • Q Continuum

        He really needs to walk the line.

      • blackjack

        Sadly, he can only walk in perfect circles.

      • The Other Kevin

        He’s never going to roll back those restrictions.

        He’s paralyzed the economy.

        I’M ALLOWED TO SAY THAT!

      • LemonGrenade

        Dammit, glad I refreshed first. I was going to use a paralyzed pun!

      • LemonGrenade

        If only he could walk a mile in Kristi Noem’s shoes….

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      Whitley’s been an ass for 25 years that I know of.

    • DrOtto

      Is it county level or state level nonsense? Travis and Bexar have been trying to put the screws to their respective populations, but it’s not being driven by the state.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        Bexar

        One of the ten best things about Texas is their fabulous collection of officially-sanctioned mispronunciations. Settled in no small part by people of Spanish, German, and Czech extraction, absolutely no name of any of these cultures survives unscathed. It’s ridiculous; it’s fabulous; I never tire of it. I could write a complete book on this.

      • Gadfly

        My favorite is the town of Gruene. The town is pronounced “Green”, which is the English translation of the German word Grün, which can be transliterated as Gruene. So the town uses one language to write its name and another to say it.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        There’s a little Hessian cemetery behind my son’s house. I can kill hours reading the stones.

        The boy doesn’t live far from Gruene and dances at the hall every time he can.

      • LemonGrenade

        If it’s driven at the county level, a real governor would still stand up to that sort of nonsense and forbid it. He should roll out an executive order forbidding new closures or lockdowns at the local level, and then walk all over any county official that tries to countermand him. Did I do that right Urthona?

    • blackjack

      DId she sign something that says she has to go to chick jail?

      • Q Continuum

        I’d go to jail with her.

      • blackjack

        I would totally live a life of crime, If I got to go to chick jail every time. I guess that’s why they don’t do that.

      • Q Continuum

        Just say you’re a transwoman.

  10. Q Continuum

    I realize how fortunate I am to live where I do.

    I live in a super red corner of a super red county, in spite of how Denver is fucking up the state as a whole. Everyone around me hates the governor and no one follows the restrictions. I haven’t worn a mask into the grocery store in 3 months and I’ve been back at work since late April.

    Those of you behind the iron curtain have my sympathy.

    • blackjack

      I’m hoping it’ll make me into a great author like Solzhenitsyn. One day in the life of a Glib?

    • Tundra

      How are things down closer to the Springs?

  11. Tundra

    Whoever is doing these, thank you.

    You could give Gaiman a run for his money.

    • Swiss Servator

      I know who it is… *lawnmower dance*

      • Tundra

        The fuck is that?

        No big deal. It’s fun to speculate.

        Those are Mustangs in the post photo, though. He bailed from a B-17…

      • Swiss Servator

        I am happy that I was part of the effort to recruit the author into TPTB.

        *raclette eating grin*

      • commodious spittoon

        It’s Brochettaward. The last several months of firsting threads has been a stealth advertising campaign.

    • commodious spittoon

      I liked Gaiman at some point but I remember precious little of him. American Gods was great. Neverwhere was ooooookay. Ananzi Boys… I know I read, and a smattering of anthologies I hardly remember at all.

  12. kinnath

    So what is in Quinter, KS?

    • Not Adahn

      Not what… who.

  13. Yusef drives a Kia

    whom ever found my job, thank you, my dear friend thanks you, my gilb friends, thank you,
    Aww, I love my Toxteth Friend, shes so cool

    • Fourscore

      I’ll get some seeds together in a day or two.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Awesome! thanks 4×20!

  14. Trigger Hippie

    Deep Thoughts by Jackoff Handy

    *hits bowl*

    From the morning thread:

    “Trigger Hippie on December 3, 2020 at 7:09 am
    Fear sells, we’re all buying.

    Reply
    rhywun
    rhywun on December 3, 2020 at 7:21 am
    I’m not.”

    I take rywun at his word. And once I thought about it(didn’t check previous posts, too lazy) I couldn’t recall an instance where he went into doom and gloom hysterics over a particular event of government overreach…and many here know he would have a better claim to do so when they do than most.

    That being said, I still stand by that statement, even if I cringe at the collectivist angle of it. Even here, we often, and I most definitely include myself here, don’t get it twisted(I’ve been quite open about being black-pilled*….*side note: is that even applicable? I recently heard that just meant you were an incel who gave up on pussy…) do the very same thing.

    Underneath the snark, lulz, lols, rage, joy, compassion, intellect, knowledge, generosity, contempt, ect, ect,…everything that makes the dite worth visiting, is a current of fear. Fear of authoritarian Marxist, fear for the future of your family and their offspring, fear for the ideal of the Republic for Which We Stand itself.

    I’m not saying we all do it(again, God knows I do), but it’s there. I can even agree for the most part that much of what we bitch about is justified, otherwise, I wouldn’t visit the site in the first place…but everybody else thinks their fears are just as valid, no matter how irrational we perceive them.

    Fear sells,too many of us are buying….how’s that?

    • Trigger Hippie

      Ooops…And now, to read the fucking article. 😉

    • Fourscore

      “Or that, according to the U.S. government’s population clock, a baby is born every 8 seconds on this planet and a person dies every 10. Now, with my admittedly only 3 years of college level calculus, I may not be as qualified as Mr. Tyson to judge the validity of 10 being greater than 8, so forgive my arrogance in thinking this.

      But this seems like pretty strong evidence that COVID-19 isn’t a threat to humanity as a whole.”

      Thomas Luongo

      • Gustave Lytton

        40-60% of the population in Europe and Asia died during the Black Death. Yet here we all are.

      • Gadfly

        Nothing short of a dinosaur-killing asteroid or total nuclear war is a threat to humanity as a whole. Humanity is the most adaptive species known to exist, and consequently one of the most resilient as well.

    • rhywun

      I can’t find a clip on Youtube, but one of the most profound things I’ve ever heard was Steve Buscemi’s little speech at the end of Living In Oblivion where he tells everyone to just “roll with it”. Shit happens, I just roll with it. Well, as best I can.

      • blackjack

        Don’t let it bring you down.

      • Sean

        ? ?

      • rhywun

        As the anti-Ted’S, I won’t even post the obvious ELO link.

        Though I want to.

      • blackjack

        Go ahead, get down!

      • J. Frank Parnell
      • Mojeaux

        GT wins the battle of the lynx.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Bruce!

        (I don’t care if that’s not actually the lyrics)

      • rhywun

        …it’s not?

      • Not Adahn

        I won’t let you down

      • Not Adahn
  15. Don escaped Two Corinthians

    get some advice from a 31-year-old

    She aims to launch a consulting firm with a focus on defense, corporate and political issues, according to the newspaper.

    mmkay

    • Gustave Lytton

      Why would you quit a month and a half before Trump’s term ends? Unless you already had a sweet deal lined up, but it doesn’t sound like it from the article.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        that bitch doesn’t even have an associate’s from Trump U: what could she possibly teach me!

      • Gustave Lytton

        Get rid of New Wife and find out.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        she likes older guys and makes awesome shrimp-and-grits?

  16. Gustave Lytton

    Wax dipped cap on full-size bottle of Makers Mark: distinctive and inoffensive

    Wax dipped cap on a Makers Mark mini: @(*$(@# whoever thought I want my hands covered in pieces of sticky wax

    Last overnight of the year, tomorrow

    • UnCivilServant

      They don’t drink the minis, so they don’t have to open them, they just think it looks cute.

  17. Trigger Hippie

    That was excellent! Like meeting Warty’s smoother, more cryptic cousin!

  18. Yusef drives a Kia

    For Tres, Natty Daddy is bigger, but a real boring beer, no flavor,

  19. Yusef drives a Kia

    God I dont want to see my Gas bill,,,,

    • rhywun

      When I lived in Buffalo my gas bill was more than my rent. And I couldn’t afford either, at times.

  20. commodious spittoon

    Standing in a line to get into the grocery store. All they need to is start paring back the groceries and eventually we’ll have Bernie’s bread lines.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Self check out is your friend,

    • Tundra

      Where are you? Stores here are pretty normal.

      • blackjack

        They had a maximum occupancy here. They’d only let about 10 people in at a time. All the people in line would mention communist bread lines. It’s very much in step with that, the feeling.

      • rhywun

        It sounds like you’re finally where NY was six months ago.

      • blackjack

        Oh, we were there 6 months ago, it calmed a bit in the middle and now we’re back there again.

      • rhywun

        We’re still in the eye of the storm. Well, in the non-Jewish parts of town.

        /knock on wood

      • commodious spittoon

        We’re stuck with the lesser of 25% occupancy or 75 shoppers.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        Where are you?

        Coumo, Weld, deVine, and Whitmire get all the attention while Lujan-Grissom is right up there with the worst. We are seriously contemplating extending our stay in Montana.

      • commodious spittoon

        I’ve been lurking Zillow looking at lots in South Dakota…

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      Last spring when the shelves were empty I recall thinking, “Am I shopping in Venezuela?”

      • commodious spittoon

        That first weekend it started looking bad, I went and shopped at an out of the way grocery off Lomas thinking I’d avoid the clusterfuck going on at the Smith’s nearer by my house… it kinda worked, I only had to stand ten minutes in line at the register, but I got what I wanted and went home satisfied I’d make it through the weekend and maybe the madness would be over by Monday. Curiosity got the better of, so close to midnight I wandered over to Smith’s and inspected the damage… shelves denuded, the canned food aisles wiped out, paper products wiped out (of course), the meat department looking slim, but… pallets of unpacked product had been wheeled out and left to stand till shopping hours ended. And I thought, well, that’s alright, that’s America, that’s prosperity, even in the midst of panic we can’t be depleted, just mildly inconvenienced.

    • blackjack

      Only a nobody walks in L.A.

    • Tundra

      Lol.

      Flagpole decoration?

      • BakedPenguin

        Damn. Finally.

      • Tundra

        How’s things BP?

      • BakedPenguin

        Trying to do better. My drinking got the best of me, which is why I went away for a while. Turns out it wasn’t the best plan.

        And yeah, Joe’s Garage was a great album.

      • Tundra

        I’m glad you are back.

      • BakedPenguin

        Apropos of nothing, Dale and Terry Bozzio (sp?) were both involved with Frank Zappa’s late 70’s albums. Dale did vocals on Valley Girl.

      • Tundra

        Anything Zappa related is automatically not ‘nothing’.

        Just sayin’.

      • blackjack

        Well, she did perform with Zappa before and after Valley Girl, but it was Moon Zappa singing on Valley Girl. The youngest daughter, Diva lives three houses down from me.

      • BakedPenguin

        I should have been more specific. Dale did some of the “Valley Girl” sayings on the record, not the lead vocals.

        In my teens, I met Zappa’s sound engineer for a lot of his late 60’s/ early 70’s albums. He had a few good stories.

    • blackjack

      Maybe I get to go back to the wide open freeways we had in early March and back in June. I still get home pretty fast, but now I have to slice and dice to do it. It’s 26 miles each way. Before the zombie apocalypse it used to take me sometimes almost two hours to get home

  21. Aloysious

    Fuckin’ a.

    Good story.

    • straffinrun

      Haven’t played in 35 years and wasn’t good then.

  22. straffinrun

    Guess we’re getting one of these in our neighborhood. Yippee!

    https://ibb.co/3FthTyd

    • Gustave Lytton

      You don’t like shoes?

      • straffinrun

        That’s a salary man/obasan shoe store. Nothing there larger than a size 9. I did get a Mos Spicy Burger for lunch next door, though.

        https://ibb.co/sHkpjqp

      • rhywun

        Nothing there larger than a size 9.

        It would be nice to have a decent variety to choose from for once.

        /size 8

      • UnCivilServant

        How do you balance on such tiny feet?

        /Size 14

      • straffinrun

        馬鹿の大足、間抜けの小足

      • straffinrun

        Real saying in Japanese: Idiots have big feet, retards have small feet.

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, since the Japanese all appear to have overwhelmingly tiny feet… I’d say it’s a foolish phrase.

      • straffinrun

        The end of the saying is: and my feet are just right. IOW Everything is relative and don’t be self-centered.

      • UnCivilServant

        That’s even sillier.

      • straffinrun

        You think everything costs about 100 dollars, don’t you?

      • UnCivilServant

        The supposed meaning behind the saying is so disconnected from the content of the saying that it makes no sense.

      • UnCivilServant

        But I’m tired. I’m sure there’s some unseen wisdom my addled brain won’t see.

      • straffinrun

        No worries. Qantas has never crashed.

      • straffinrun

        Uh oh. It’s spreading and I thought it was genetic.

      • Gender Traitor

        So each of your feet is…a foot?

        /Chick size 7

      • rhywun

        Jesus. Are you like seven feet tall?

      • Gustave Lytton

        I’d take a Mos Burger over the Chik-Fil-A I had for dinner. Particularly if I could get a cup of corn soup.

        Muji USA (now bankrupt) had the same size range. Did I mention they went bankrupt? At least their shirts could be sold to beanpole hipsters looking for that extra slim fit.

    • commodious spittoon

      Hello, Visits

  23. Gustave Lytton

    Hah hah. Biden says just wear a mask for 100 days, that’s all. Sure, pull the other finger.

    • straffinrun

      The Jackass Presidency. You first, Joe.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      100 days to flatten the curve stop the spread get the CDC to update the definition of “covid death” so it looks like the situation is improving!

      • Gustave Lytton

        It’s all in the five year plan!

      • Gadfly

        We’re only ~250 days into our 14 days of flattening the curve. If only we had spent 100 of those wearing masks. Why didn’t anyone think of this before?

      • blackjack

        Out here, we’ve never really opened back up and we’ve had to wear masks at all the businesses and at work this whole time. Made not one whit of difference.

    • Urthona

      By the time Biden is in office, America is projected to have had millions of vaccine doses. What is the fucking point?

  24. straffinrun

    If I were in one of those blue locked down states/cities and the one place they allowed me to shop was playing Christmas music, I think I’d probably lose it.

    • Urthona

      My particular circle of purgatory will no doubt involve Wham’s “Last Christmas”, Paul McCartney’s “Very Merry Christmas”, and some version of “Chestnuts on an Open Fire” being performed so slow it’s practically going backward.

      • one true athena

        Last year (?, maybe 2 years ago) there was a funny thing on twitter, where your time from that tweet to when you heard the Wham song would determine if you “won”. (the joke was obviously how ubiquitous it is, not really a serious thing)

        So, this year, one of the local radio stations goes to christmas tunes SUPER FUCKING EARLY, like Nov 3 or something, and I didn’t even know they’d started that early.

        First song I stumbled on?

        Yep.

  25. Gustave Lytton

    https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/couple-who-tested-positive-covid-arrested-after-boarding-flight-n1249753

    Absolutely ridiculous. Yeah, shouldn’t travel while knowingly contagious with an infectious disease. On the other hand, what were they supposed to do? What options did they have? They were in the middle of traveling home. They were supposed to what? Check into a hotel? Hang out at the airport? Meanwhile, where did they take the couple after arresting them? They took them to a enclosed room with police and health department Stasi, and sounds like to jail afterwards. The fucking idiots did more to spread the disease than the couple did.

    • Tundra

      So the masks don’t work?

      • straffinrun

        Gotta admit, I assumed they worked somewhat at the beginning of this. The data should be overwhelming at this point if they work to stop Covid. If they don’t really work, the data would look like it does now.

      • LemonGrenade

        I confess, at the beginning I pushed the idea of masking and was pissed that the CDC started out with a position of masks don’t work and then switched on a dime to everyone must wear masks! But they were doing it from self-interest. And I never suggested anyone be forced to wear them; I was just hoping if people did, there wouldn’t be lockdowns. Now I just feel dumb for even thinking that would be a sop to the governors sufficient to keep them acting in a reasonable fashion. No way were they letting an opportunity to seize power during a panic go that easy.

      • straffinrun

        In a prison, you are not to be blamed for doing what you think is right to stop the beatings.

      • LemonGrenade

        Agreed. But also it’s horrible and dystopian that the USA has become such a prison. “Show us your papers please” to travel to another state. Government control over exercise of religion (I’m not a church-goer but I still react with horror to what DeBlasio is doing in NYC). Restrictions on the freedom of assembly, right of contract, and the second and fourth amendments. I had a recurring nightmare in high school that I was trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic America, but I always thought that was just a nightmare. Now I’m living it.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Maybe, maybe not. Too many variables at play to tease out which are controlling and which are noise. There’s really no uncontrolled scenario to compare to and the supposed complete control (*cough* China) are so bogus from the start that anyone accepting anything out of there should have their head examined.

        All of which is beside the point. This is a free country. Wear a mask if you wish, don’t wear wear one if you don’t wish. The maskistas, maskaphobes, psychosomatics, and Karens can all fuck right off.

      • straffinrun

        Too many variables and one being the lack of standardization of masks. Mandating people where *something* over their mouths and noses is ridiculous.

      • mrfamous

        I keep going back to the studies on mask use in the surgical theater being ineffective:

        1. Professionals trained in their use and diligent about hygiene.
        2. Disposable surgical masks used once during surgery and discarded.
        3. Patient with an open wound with masked staff in very close proximity to it.

        And the RCTs suggest that under this scenario, the masks still don’t work. How the hell are they supposed to work with never changed cloth masks at the Safeway?

        The problem apparently is “venting.” The air from a persons breath will seek the path of least resistance and if the front of the mask is blocked, the air will simply shoot out the top and sides of the mask. If the virus is transmitted via aerosol (which this virus is),it will hang suspended in the air for significant periods of time and float from person to person.

      • blackjack

        I heard, we’ll tell you anything to get you to fly again. Not that they’re wrong, mind you.

      • commodious spittoon

        Punish the nonbelievers. Efficacy’s got nothin to do with it.

      • KSuellington

        Several decades worth of study with flu and cold transmission has not shown good evidence that masks make a big difference in non clinical settings. And the way that they are worn by 95 percent of the population can’t make that any much better. If you touch your mask more than you would touch your face I can’t see how it is doing one single bit of good, and likely doing the opposite.

  26. Gadfly

    Does the Hat have a cousin?

    For those who don’t do Twitter, an enterprising businessperson is trying to sell “Blue MAGA” hats to Biden fans. “Made America Great Already” by voting Trump out. LOL

    • Jarflax

      Do the dead wear hats?

      • Mostly Peaceful JaimeRoberto

        Yes, but they don’t wear plaid.

    • UnCivilServant

      Shouldn’t that really be “MACS” – “Made America China’s Slave”?

      • KSuellington

        Made America Gimp Again

      • straffinrun

        We ever find out what the Bubba doll was?

      • KSuellington

        It will forever remain a mystery. I was alone when I went in there and found it, five minutes later a real estate agent showed up and I didn’t tell him it was there so I could see him jump a bit when he went in the basement. He jumped a bit. The place was an utter pigsty, but nothing compared to some of the places I’ve seen. At this point in my life I have been in upwards up 25 thousand domiciles, plenty of very weird stuff in that among the normality.

      • straffinrun

        Can imagine. Walking through my neighborhood and can smell what they’re cooking. I don’t wanna know what’s going on inside that creates that aroma.

      • KSuellington

        Indeed, sometimes the smells are the worst part of it. I have three places in mind that had smells so strong that they became almost living entities.

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      morning!

  27. Gender Traitor

    I’m going to have to go back and reread the earlier installments of this story. They’ve been spread out widely enough that I don’t recall the events from earlier chapters.

    • Festus' Mustache's tits keep calm and carry on.

      It is hard to follow but each one works as a stand alone story. The writing is very good but the over-arching plot is vague. It’ll come together as more is revealed. I’m enjoying it.

  28. UnCivilServant

    Morning, Glibs.

    Like Sean, I am also running late, so I went and connected to work before commenting here. That led to answering emails, etc…

      • UnCivilServant

        GR Shooting Belt
        Out of stock

      • Not Adahn

        It was a great deal…

        Also, it looks like the lame-os at the club are going to an every two weeks cadence for steel. I’ll try to talk them into going to normal on Sunday. Hopefully I don’t wind up being in charge of it.

  29. Tres Cool

    mornin’ ya’all

    TALL (breakfast) CANS !

    • Festus' Mustache's tits keep calm and carry on.

      Mornin’ to all! Anyone else had about enough? The stupid gaiter that gives me heat rash is so permeable that my mighty ‘stache pokes through If that isn’t a prime example of this silly theatre, I don’t know what is. Three days in a row I was told there was a problem with one of the toilets so I go in, shut off the valve and flush. Nothing. Tonight I heard second-hand news about an “Old Faithful” event wherein the toilet bowl becomes a geyser. The last time that this happened they needed to rip up a two hundred foot long section of floor and replace the sewer lines. It was right in the middle of the Xmas rush, too. Imagine raw sewage blasting out of the drinking fountain and every sink… I am not pleased with this new twist in the ongoing saga. If it happens again I’ll probably just drop my keys on the desk and start a new career picking cans and bottles from the ditches.

    • Festus' Mustache's tits keep calm and carry on.

      Am I a bad boy for wanting Catherine to dress like Bettie from the last article and shame me?

      • Sean

        *shrug*

        Whatever gets you through the day.

      • Festus' Mustache's tits keep calm and carry on.

        She IS mighty gilfy…