ZARDOZ’S CHRISTMAS RULES.

by | Dec 18, 2020 | Cryptids | 186 comments

 

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. IT IS APPROACHING THE BRUTAL HOLIDAY OF CHRISTMAS – THERFORE, ZARDOZ WILL GO OVER SOME BASIC PRINCIPLES. NO, NOT REGARDING THE BELIEF THAT CHRISTMAS WAS THE FULFILLMENT OF THE PROMISE OF THE ALMIGHTY TO SEND HIS SON TO REDEEM THE WORLD. ZARDOZ’S AIMS ARE NOT SO… LOFTY. ZARDOZ WOULD BRING YOU BACK TO HIS BASELINE ASSUMPTIONS:

  1. THE GUN IS GOOD.
  2. THE PENIS IS EVIL.
  3. YOU, THE CHOSEN ONES, MUST GO FORTH AND SNARK AT THE INTERNET AND SOCIAL MEDIA BRUTALS.

ONCE YOU HAVE FOLLOWED THAT, ZARDOZ WILL FEEL THE WARM HOLIDAY SPIRIT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHOSEN ONES.

 

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

About The Author

ZARDOZ

ZARDOZ

SERVANT OF THE TABERNACLE, THE ETERNALS OF THE VORTEX. FOR FURTHER INFORMATION, SEE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwZhKGgmoUI

186 Comments

  1. DEG

    With nearly two months still to go in 2020, sales of firearms have hit a new high in the U.S., already topping the prior record set in 2016, according to the National Shooting Sports Foundation.

    FUCK YEAH!

    I just received 1,000 rounds of .303 British surplus today.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Nice! Get a good deal on Enfields or perhaps a Bren.

      *does Dr. Evil pinky to the corner of the mouth gesture*

      • DEG

        You should see the contents of my collection.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        I wad under the impression that I would need scuba gear. What with the tragic boating accident and all.

      • DEG

        Just hold your breath.

    • The Last American Hero

      2016 when the coronation of HRC was inevitable.
      2020 when the president elect encouraged people to discharge firearms into the air.

      • rhywun

        Shaka when the walls fell.

      • hayeksplosives

        Dermal and Jalad at Tanagra

      • hayeksplosives

        DARMOk!!

        Fracking spell choke

  2. Nephilium

    I believe I’ve found Zardoz’s favorite Christmas song.

  3. Rebel Scum

    THE GUN IS GOOD.

    Too bad I am not good with the gun. ///terribleshot

    • db

      The gun will almost always out shoot the operator.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        ^^^ this ^^^

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Volume of fire is important too!

      • Gustave Lytton

        -1 Iraqi death blossom

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Meh. Win some, lose some.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Though as a machine gunner in a past life, I do agree with the volume of fire. But snark is too fun!

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Snark! Here at this fine establishment. Why, I never!

      • dontreadonme

        One well placed shot is preferred, but volume against multiple targets is hard to beat because it usually at least gives you time to get the hey out of dodge.

      • Swiss Servator

        “suppressive fire”

        +27 years in the Army

      • Swiss Servator

        HHAHAHAHAHA! I hadn’t thought about that in some number of years…

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        I see your Iraqi Death Blossom and raise you this.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Also. Posting on my phone blows.

      • Swiss Servator

        Like I didn’t see that in person….

        🙂

        ANA/Fail

  4. db

    Zoom ain’t zooming. I’m stuck on “Connecting…”

    • Nephilium

      Saw that you tried to join a couple times, are you connecting via computer or mobile? Have you upgraded to the latest client, or are you using a web plugin?

      • db

        PC (ubuntu), latest client.

      • Nephilium

        Looks like you may be running into a Zoom client/Ubuntu issue. Still see you stuck at Joining. Any firewalls/filtering going on that may be blocking the packets?

      • db

        Nothing that has changed since the last time I joined a Zoom meeting (which was a while ago).

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Link to Zoom?

      • Nephilium

        Same link as always when I host it.

      • db

        *splat*

  5. Rebel Scum

    FEEL THE WARM HOLIDAY SPIRIT

    That is just STEVE SMITH.

  6. westernsloper

    U.S. gun sales surge to record high in 2020

    I wonder why?

    • db

      It’s a mystery. /George Carlin voice

    • rhywun

      I blame Faux News.

    • Chafed

      It has nothing to do with Biden’s declining mental acuity and his hangers on.

  7. Yusef drives a Kia

    The Gun is Good! the ammo is better,
    \10000 rounds of shotgun shells

    • hayeksplosives

      I need to stock up.

      Road trip to Yuma!!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        My bedroom is a wall of ammo, I need a bigger place,

      • dontreadonme

        I find ammo cans make a superb art installation. The wife fails to agree though.

    • Chafed

      Did you hijack the delivery truck?

  8. Rebel Scum

    Retards that play smart people on tv think that they are smart in real life.

    Hollywood celebrities are leading the fundraising effort for Georgia Democrats, with the latest contribution coming from the cast of the long-running USA Network series Suits, which is holding a fundraiser to help flip the state and the U.S. Senate blue.

    Actor Patrick J. Adams announced the virtual fundraiser, which is set for December 27, encouraging fans to help put an end to the “GOP’s chokehold on Congress.” On Suits, Adams plays the fake lawyer Mike Ross. The actor joked that his character could “still win any case against Trump’s legal team.”

    Pols play characters in public. You and Rudy (or that thicc blonde) in a courtroom would not end well for you.

    • LJW

      Democrats outraised several Republicans this year and still lost. Just scamming their sheep.

    • rhywun

      Joke’s on us… it will probably work.

  9. Aloysious

    HAIL… SANTA-DOZ? ZAR-CLAUS?

    Nice hat.

  10. Plinker762

    I’ve stockpiled AR10 bolts, upper receivers and a spare. 308 barrel. I have plenty of AR-15 upper parts and recently picked up a few 80% receivers.

    For the more exotic, I got a 7.62 NATO BREN L4 barrel and I am working on getting a BREN L4A3 parts kit. Unfortunately the supplier won’t ship to WA, so I going to have a friend in Idaho buy it.

    I’m planning on buying a CNC mill for work this year and that will free me from buying more 80% receivers.

    • Chafed

      I read that as you stocking up on A-10s. I was very jealous.

      • Plinker762

        I should have acquired a M61A1 aircraft cannon when we took them off the B52s

      • Chafed

        That would have been awesome.

  11. Yusef drives a Kia

    X
    Zoom sucks, carry on and enjoy yourselves, Fucking Lemmings……

    • Fourscore

      Lebron is not already the ambassador? I saw something, somewhere, like Lebron is the ambassador to China.

      Good!

      Will

      • blackjack

        I’d like to put Kamala in charge of the squad. That way we can call them the ” Vice Squad.”

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        I’d like to put Camel-a in charge of an infantry charge in Verdun (either side), but we can’t always get what we want.

    • Chafed

      I wish the Bee would stop doing prophecy and get back to humor.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Santa or Zardoz gave me the gift of the nailing gun today. From this place:

      https://youtu.be/IE0-I0T7Xhc

      Got a palm nailer too. Bunch of NOS in there, with a good layer of dust. Unfortunately the nailing gun wasn’t one of them. Too much turnover so it’s a Metabo not Hitachi.

      • Gustave Lytton

        How the heck did this end up here? Sorry Yusef, wasn’t supposed to be a reply.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        I never get anything in the right place anymore

      • Fourscore

        Teenage me

      • Chafed

        That’s what she said.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        1/4 crown or GTFO, Nail guns rule!

      • Gustave Lytton

        I already have the little guys. Today was a full-size framing nailer so I don’t have to drive nails when putting together something.

      • Ted S.

        I’d think nailing your palm would be painful.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        You would, we build here,

      • Tres Cool

        Jesus Christ would like to concur.

      • Gustave Lytton

        A failure where the bolt went through the top did occur to me.

      • blackjack

        Once, we had a Christmas party. My friend’s husband was passing around a picture of his x-ray with the nail he shot into it with his nailgun. My wife came into the room, and knowing she’s a lawyer, my friend asked her if he could sue. She went into a rant about, ” Sue for what, being a retard? What kind of idiot shoots himself in the fucking knee with a damn nailgun? Fucking ‘tard! He wouldn’t have a leg to stand on, because he blew it off with his fucking nailgun!” Then, I pointed to him and told her he’s the guy. The whole crowd just erupted in laughter. Good times!

    • Tres Cool

      Please tell me someone has already submitted “Plowy McPlowface”

      • MikeS

        I can literally guarantee you that someone has submitted that name.

    • Rebel Scum

      Boaty McBoatface Plowy McPlowface.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      OK, that’s justr stupid, I name my snowplow, Killer of ice and frozen water, and KIA!

  12. Yusef drives a Kia

    Bella is mooing again, wonder why?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Maybe, grass is gone here,

    • Fourscore

      Not for very long however.

      Save enough to pay the bridge toll and head on out

    • rhywun

      At least he’s honest about it. Bit mystifying that he and his ilk keep getting elected, though. Until you look at the figures and realize that the folks on the dole outnumber the rest of us. ?‍♂️

    • Chafed

      He’s so good it’s now redistributing itself right out of state.

      • one true athena

        Except he’s waiting on his billion bailout from the feds, which’ll be taken from everywhere else in the US, even the future, right back into New York.

      • Chafed

        No doubt you are right. That will be a temporary patch. NYC has serious structural debt problems. I’m expecting a repeat of 1973.

      • slumbrew

        Sadly, there will be no “Biden to City: Drop Dead!”

      • Chafed

        I know you are right. It still may get interesting. NYC was a national embarrassment when it went belly up. No one wanted to follow that path. Chicago has the same problems. I believe a few cities in NJ are just behind them. I suspect even Biden at some point realizes these municipalities are going to have to choke down some reforms.

      • slumbrew

        I fear we’re past embarrassment – too many people see “the government” as all-powerful who can “fix” anything it choses to.

      • Chafed

        I take your point but notice how much difficulty the proggies are having trying to get what they want out of the Biden administration. There is a substantial part of the Dems that left of center; not crazy. When the bill estimates start to leak out there is going to be trouble. Atlanta isn’t interested in paying for NYC. Houston doesn’t want to pay for Chicago. Unless the Treasury Secretary subscribes to Modern Monetary Theory, there will be a real political cost to bailing out profligate cities.

      • slumbrew

        I would be pleasantly surprised if you are correct – my gut says that “just print more money” will be the argument far up the food chain. Again, I’d love to be wrong.

    • Chafed

      Santa really upped his security this year.

    • Rebel Scum

      She’s got wood and so do I.

      • Gustave Lytton

        One downside- I noticed she knows how to use and read a measuring tape… maybe if I switched out a metric tape…

    • But Enough About My Pulsating, Geriatric Pecs

      Lots of wood, in fact. Copious quantities of wood. A plethora of wood.

      So.
      Much.
      Wood.

    • blackjack

      I was concerned that the material was too thick, but she made it work. Wood.

  13. Tres Cool

    I’m off to work, kids. Mind ye olde shoppe.

    Overnight is alright!

    /stands, faces ZoomCall, and moons everyone. Specially KK.

    • blackjack

      Feelin’ Alright?

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      stands, faces ZoomCall, and moons everyone. Specially KK.
      Why I wont Zoom, a large group of idiots, and they are my friends, too weird,

    • rhywun

      I literally have no idea what normal seasons are any more. Is there supposed to be hockey right now? I don’t know.

      • Raven Nation

        Yeah, should have started in October.

      • rhywun

        Fuck. Another season*.

        I don’t get it. Europa-soccer completed more or less normally earlier this year and is running more or less normally again in the new season.

        But every sport I follow in the US has had an asterisk season and looks like another one is coming. NFL is giving it a good try but I have serious doubts that this season will complete as expected. ‘Merica-soccer was an absolute clusterfuck at every level. I completely ignored it.

        Aussie Rules… well. I will chalk that up to Australia losing its fucking mind.

      • Chafed

        Apparently the two things Europe can do during a pandemic is send their kids to school and play professional soccer.

  14. rhywun

    College football would be more tolerable without the commercials the colleges put out. We get it – you want to smash the system. Try not to out-commie each other for five freaking minutes, sheesh.

  15. Yusef drives a Kia

    Peace out, you nutjobs, Yusef sleeps….

  16. Sensei

    I’m off to bed, but thought I’d share this bit of Top Men in action.

    Stanford Apologizes After Vaccine Allocation Leaves Out Nearly All Medical Residents

    You’ll note the lack of social distancing because as we all know you can’t catch the commie cough while protesting.

    I particularly like this being blamed on an “algorithm” and only tangentially on, you know, the administration. OTH, “algorithms” that predict transmission rates are A-OK and couldn’t also be flawed. Or could they?

    • Gustave Lytton

      Neurology residents were among those who organized and protested on Friday.

      Because neurologists are on the front lines of covid care…

  17. Yusef drives a Kia

    Balls, love it,

  18. Yusef drives a Kia

    Thanks Fourscore! my peppers, and Maters are coming up well, and my Weed is growing nicely,

  19. Yusef drives a Kia

    Fuck Zoom, what a way to ruin a website, Good job Neph,

    • Raven Nation

      Evening Yusef

    • slumbrew

      Eh, people can do more than one thing. No worse than the Discord site. There aren’t that may people on Zoom, just a quiet night.

      • Raven Nation

        I usually forget about Discord. And when I do remember, I can’t figure out all the different threads.

      • Chafed

        Unpossible.

        OT: How much snow did you get?

      • slumbrew

        13″ – 14″.

        Fortunately not too heavy so shoveling out was NBD.

        Neighbors bought a NH lake house earlier this year – “we’re only expected to get 2-3 inches!”.

        Smash cut to their texted videos of the 3+ feet they got.

      • Chafed

        I admit the one thing I miss about the area are snowy winter nights. The whole are looked beautiful.

        When I was at Tufts, a group of us would go Snurfing late at night when there was fresh snowfall. On a good run we would head down the hill and right out into the street. There was no way to steer and no way to stop. We just trusted there was enough snow that no one would be driving around. We were mostly right. *Thanks d-G for bailing my ass out when we were wrong*

      • slumbrew

        Nice – which hill? Nathan Tufts Park or by the school?

      • Chafed

        At the school. I looked at Google Maps to try to figure out where we started and ended. I think there are some structures on campus that weren’t there in the mid 80s. We definitely rode down to Boston Avenue. I think we started up a hill at or near where there is now a parking garage.

      • slumbrew

        Construction is something of a constant on all the campuses. I barely recognize Northeastern.

      • grrizzly

        Yeah, it was just a regular snowstorm. Nothing seems like a big deal if I don’t have to wake up at dawn to shovel it myself.

      • Chafed

        *polishes Trashy’s monocle*

      • slumbrew

        Man, these euphemisms…

      • Chafed

        Euphe—-? Yes, right, euphemisms.

  20. KSuellington

    The All American Mini Mall.

    What else could you put it there?

    https://imgur.com/a/hKf0FdE

    • Chafed

      Pizza and Indian Food. I’d be all set.

    • The Hyperbole

      A massage and tattoo parlor.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Which will come first? Metastasized favelas or 9th Circus rules that the cities must provide 2500sqft homes, furnished, with all amenities to remove the stigma of the unhoused?

      • Chafed

        I can’t believe I’m saying this but the 9th isn’t as crazy as it used to be due to Trump. I’ll bet on metastasized favelas. I’ll also bet they end at the LA City line.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I hope it sticks. The idea that cities owe housing to bums nor can they enforce camping bans is just downright insanity and it’s allowing decent cities to be overrun.

  21. db

    *splat*

    • KSuellington

      I’m thinking about booking a flight down there with the family for next summer, not in Jalisco though.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Puerto Vallarta has been relatively untouched. It’s not Acapulco so far.

      • Sean

        *insert joke about the Love Boat here*

  22. Festus' Mustache's tits keep calm and carry on.

    Got off work, perusing Glibs, drinking Cariboo and just applied and was accepted to receive Free Munnies from Santa Horgan. Took all of five minutes. $500 for five minutes, that’s Winston’s Mom rates. Ah well, had to get to the trough before all the slop is gone. Printer go Brrrrrrrrr… $500 bucks just for having a pulse. This is really getting Roman, isn’t it? Lots of bread but few circuses in these trying times.

    • Ted S.

      To be fair, those are Canuckbucks.

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFRE FESTUS!

        They spend the same.

      • Gender Traitor

        What’s the Canadian retail chain (is it a c-store?) that issues their own “money” that has actually become almost a de facto currency?

      • Tundra

        Canadian Tire?

      • Gender Traitor

        That’s it!

    • Sean

      I’ve got your circus right here.

      *points down*

  23. Festus is an essential worker. Kneel before Festus!

    Leaving this here for Suthen – https://youtu.be/xXRcDERfnZE

    • Gender Traitor

      Mornin’, Fes. Thought it was just me & my weekend chai latte ’til AM Lynx.

      • Gender Traitor

        Hmmmm….maybe it is. Happily, I have a story to read. ::turns attention to Nook::

      • Tundra

        Mornin’ kids!

      • Gender Traitor

        Mornin’, Tundra!

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFRE FESTUS!

        I’m here. Chained to rock getting my liver pecked out by eagles but I am here. Day 14 today. How YOU doin’?

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFRE FESTUS!

        Mornin’ Tundra!

      • Gender Traitor

        Very well, thanks! Just a bit uncertain as to what to do about Christmas. My big gift for one of my sisters is a goody basket from my favorite not-for-profit, ordered right after Thanksgiving. Trouble is, this not-for-profit was featured in a gift guide in the NY Times and got slammed with orders. They keep sending out apologetic “we’re trying!” e-mails, but my order hasn’t shipped from Denver yet. We usually host Christmas for my two sisters & BIL, and I’m not sure whether to suggest we postpone our get-together a few days. Truly a first world problem to have. I’ve been thinking about how lucky I’ve been.

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFRE FESTUS!

        Super-spreader! She has red hair! Burn the witch!

      • Tres Cool

        Tres Sr. is a TrueBeliever™ about the ‘vid, and at age 81 I suppose I cant blame him. Im tempted to get a test to demonstrate im SARS (-) just so I can spend christmas eve with him. However, I question the accuracy and precision of the test to the point that I dont want a false positive.

      • Sean

        GF has had 5 tests so far. At some point the law of averages is gonna give her a false positive, I assume.

      • Tundra

        I’ve got a test scheduled Monday for travel. A false positive would be really inconvenient.

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFRE FESTUS!

        “Everything sucks and everything’s shit and soon it will be over!”

    • Suthenboy

      Thank you Sir. I think I posted some First Aid Kit a day or two ago.

      What I was listening to when I found your link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_UJDR5_xtA

      Ok, mostly I was looking at Jenny but I was still listening

  24. Sean

    My gf wanted one of those fancy Spike’s billet lowers for xmas. So she’s helping with those records numbers too.

    • Sean

      Mornin.

      I got a lot of driving to do today. Still haven’t started packing either.

    • Tundra

      Mornin’ UCS. Sore from all the shoveling?

      • UnCivilServant

        Of course I am. I’m not used to regular moving cubic yards of solid water.

      • Tres Cool

        depending on density (wet, angry, snow? Or happy, fluffy, snow) per volume the snow should weigh less than actual water

      • Ted S.

        It weighs the same amount; the snow just takes up more volume.

      • Tres Cool

        That was my point.

  25. Tres Cool

    sup’ fam ?

    /opens beer #3

    • Sean

      *raises cup of ☕*

      • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFRE FESTUS!

        Is that a cup of poo with two french fries pleading for help?

    • FESTUS IS AN ESSENTIAL WORKER! KNEEL BEFRE FESTUS!

      “You’re so new to this crew that you’re still shitting green!” *cracks beer #10*

      • Tres Cool

        I’ve been home not even an hour. Calm your tits.

  26. Sean

    Tapping out for a bit. Gotta pack and get on the road.

    Have a great day y’all.

    • Tundra

      Safe travels!