Capitol Riot Leaves Congress Too Shocked to Overthrow Foreign Governments

by | Jan 18, 2021 | Satire | 249 comments

WASHINGTON DC – “It’s unbelievable, like a nightmare you can’t wake up from,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “I mean sure, since I was first elected in 1987, Congress has been directly involved in overthrowing the governments of Panama, Haiti, Serbia, Iraq, Libya, and Egypt, but this is just beyond the pale. I mean, are you serious? Sometimes we have to overthrow the government to find out what’s in it.”

From across the aisle, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said that, “it’s one thing when we spend decades and billions of dollars trying to forcibly alter the politics of Somalia, Afghanistan, Syria, Venezuela, and Cuba, but never in my wildest dreams did I expect it to boomerang like this. It’s almost as though the wind that was once at our backs has changed direction, so that it is blowing back on us, one might say.”

Meanwhile, Senior CIA Spokeswoman Joanna Gambolputty announced that, “we would like to reassure the American people and the military industrial complex that this outburst is a mere speed bump in the status quo,” and added, “remain calm; all is well!” as extremist Trump supporters unleashed thousands of marbles on Pennsylvania Avenue and a mysterious “Deathmobile” raced through the city’s streets.

Other reactions to the riot have come from media outlets and NGOs. CNN stated that it is reconsidering its decision to stop broadcasting in airports, but only until it finds some other captive audience. The Southern Poverty Law Center has now classified Republicans as a hate group and is urging relatives to report suspicious friends and relatives to the FBI.

For its part, the FBI has stated that while they appreciate any efforts to crush resistance to the deep state, their antiquated computer systems cannot handle the increased traffic. Other government agencies responded that they too are unable to handle the backlog because most of them are still working from home and their connections are not reliable.

International reactions have been mixed, with the French offering to send surplus guillotines and a tidal wave in Moscow of former KGB officers laughing themselves to death. When asked for a reaction, President Trump and his staff began humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic and left the press conference room.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

249 Comments

  1. Yusef drives a Kia

    What did we do in Haiti? Give them money?

    • But Enough About [this space intentionally left blank]

      What difference does it make?

      /cunte mode off

    • blackjack

      We had to give them half!

  2. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Bailed on Baby Doc maybe but he was done anyway.

  3. Yusef drives a Kia

    America, Bad friend?
    Worse enemy..

  4. But Enough About [this space intentionally left blank]

    Oi!

    The Zoom meeting — is it still on?

    • But Enough About [this space intentionally left blank]

      And if so, linky please?

      • Old Man With Candy
      • pistoffnick

        Damn it. I fell for it.

        I think I have my webcam working. You’ll just have to wait until this weekend to see the Lustrous Beard™

      • blackjack

        He’s on a roll.

      • Stillhunter

        I just Rick rolled my 10 year old daughter with this. She started laughing hysterically when she saw.

  5. rhywun

    a tidal wave in Moscow of former KGB officers laughing themselves to death

    No shit. Their Chinese equivalents, too.

    • IntraveneousWoodChipper

      Whi knew it would be so easy to get the most powerful and affluent society in recorded human history to destroy itself for literally no reason at all?

      • rhywun

        Vladimir Ilich Lenin?

      • db

        I am the walrus?

      • rhywun

        No, not that commie. The other one.

      • blackjack

        ‘Sides, it was Paul who went over the cliff in that tiny car and was replaced with an imposter. That’s why we got such memorable hits as ” Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time”

      • limey

        Paul didn’t die, he just went home.

        *Stares up in wonder at a faint point of light somewhere beyond the Pleiades cluster*

      • blackjack

        Choo, choo, caboose!

      • Agent Cooper

        George Orwell, although different Empire.

    • blackjack

      You could see it on Putin’s face for the whole past 4 years.

  6. commodious spittoon

    It’s almost as though the wind that was once at our backs has changed direction, so that it is blowing back on us, one might say

    Nice.

  7. IntraveneousWoodChipper

    “Sometimes we have to overthrow the government to find out what’s in it.”

    Well done sir.

    • Urthona

      5 stars.

    • blackjack

      Variation of the chicken/egg conundrum.

      • limey

        HAHA! STUPID RETHUGLICAN DENIES THE SCIENCE! EGG CAME FIRST, IDIOT! *SNORT*

        STUPID BITTER CLINGER DENIES EVOLUTION!

        *SMIRK!!!1*

        DINOSAUR FISH CRAB LAID EGGS BEFORE CHICKENS. READ HELLER.

        *smears “FUCK TRUMP” on the wall in feces*

      • The Gunslinger

        Hihn? Is that you?

      • blackjack

        DON’T ASSUALT ME WITH YOUR VERBAL ASSUALT-Y STUFF!!! YOU ALREADY PROVED MY POINT WHEN YOU SAID WHATEVER IT WAS THAT YOU SAID ANYWAY!!! WHERE’S AN INTERNET COP WHEN YOU NEED TO REPORT AN ASSAULT?!?!?! BULLY!!!!

      • blackjack

        I got so worked up with the all caps, I misspelled assault twice. It was in keeping with the character, at least.

      • limey

        It’s really good. Very authentically unhinged.

      • commodious spittoon

        I rewatched that Hugh Mungus clip as part of a Jordan Peterson lecture… Jesus Christ, what a dippy cunt. “I WAS JUST SEXUALLY ASSAULTED! THIS MAN SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME!” Bitch, you demanded to know his name and he gave you a name. Go sit on a pinecone dildo.

    • rhywun

      Yeah, Derpy’s upping his game. Reality seems to be helping.

    • hayeksplosives

      That’s my favorite line too, but the whole thing is outstanding, just dripping with derpy gold.

  8. blackjack

    Prisons! CNN needs to pipe their drivel into prisons. Now that not being a democrat is illegal, the prisons will full to the brim with people needing just that kind of re-education.

    • rhywun

      the prisons will full to the brim with people needing just that kind of re-education

      No wonder the Dems are so hell-bent on emptying prisons lately.

      *adjusts tin-foil*

    • hayeksplosives

      That would compensate for the loss of captive CNN audiences in airports now that they’re pulling out of that gig.

  9. Urthona

    Lewis Capaldi has no chill.

  10. DEG

    The Southern Poverty Law Center has now classified Republicans as a hate group and is urging relatives to report suspicious friends and relatives to the FBI.

    Wait a minute. I thought this already happened?

    • blackjack

      So far, it’s only really taken hold in Portland, Seattle and ‘Frisco. Very strongly in Portland.

    • Ayn Random Variation

      What if I hate hate groups?

      • UnCivilServant

        I hate hate groups like the SPLC.

      • limey

        What if I hate that you hate hate groups but I also hate hate groups and I hate that you took my thing which was hating hate groups?

        The left propaganda mill has completely hollowed out and skin-suited the word “hate” as some abstract idea that they define in terms of the boogeymen in The Narrative.

      • Animal

        <— Counts uses of word "hate"
        <— Unable to come up with witty rejoinder
        <— Goes for a shot of whiskey for solace

      • limey

        *raises glass*

      • blackjack

        That’s not enough. You have to actively work to destroy them.

      • limey

        *calculates trajectories for ICBMs*

      • blackjack

        “We’re adult contemporary, you know, The Eagle 93. We don’t need this kind of exposure.”

        I thought adult entertainment was all about exposure? I guess they’re worried they wont get to spread the Eagle.

  11. The Gunslinger

    Good stuff Derpe. 5 thumbs up.

    • UnCivilServant

      So the mutagen is working?

    • rhywun

      THERE ARE FOUR THUMBS!

      • limey

        This episode, and ‘The Drumhead’ will be memory holed, or heavily “, explained” and contextualized for The Narrative. I used to think there were certain timeless cultural milestones that would stand for future generations in terms of basic, immutable values. It turns out that I was wrong. At least try to understand what you are tearing down, kids.

      • rhywun

        Yeah, at the very least they will need translations into Newspeak.

  12. Ayn Random Variation

    I’m in St pete and was told, in a bar conversation, after expressing my views on a few topics such as sin legalization, yhat libertarians are the most sensible people

    • Urthona

      Russia or Florida?

      • UnCivilServant

        Is there a difference?

      • Urthona

        It’s slightly easier to invade Florida in winter.

      • Rat on a train

        Kronstadt rebels disagree.

      • commodious spittoon

        Meth vs krokodil.

        I think that’s about it.

      • db

        Alligator, not krokodil

      • blackjack

        No. The booze in FLA just gets you into prison, Ruskie booze kills you dead.

      • Ayn Random Variation

        Funny because when I search for st pete hookers I get st pete as in Russia

      • limey

        Well, one of them has more hookers than people*.

        *Are hookers people?

      • blackjack

        As long as they earn. Like that Magdalene chick.

      • blackjack

        ‘Zactly!

    • commodious spittoon

      Florida?

    • Urthona

      I welcome the terrorists. They’re way less dangerous to America than the democrats.

    • Brochettaward

      Every right thinking person knows that this is the European virus so good call.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      I would think restrictions on travel due to Covid from those countries would stand or am I wrong and the planes will start flying?

      • Urthona

        I don’t know.

        Does that answer your question?

      • blackjack

        President’s choice. That’s what Kamala wants, that’s what she gets.

      • rhywun

        I loved President’s Choice cookies.

        Oh. Never mind.

      • blackjack

        Well, that’s the way they crumble.

    • Old Man With Candy

      If memory serves, Obama had the same countries singled out.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        He did. Truth is irrelevant, only labels matter anymore.

      • Not an Economist

        Hey Obama did it for only the most noblest of reasons. Trump only did it because he is a racist. Only those in the know know the difference.

        /progressive

  13. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Sorry Derp, I can’t bring myself to read it at the moment. I’m sure it’s good.

    I find myself increasingly agitated as of late and unable to laugh at the insanity of it all. Maybe it would be different if I didn’t have kids, but I wanted to leave something better for them and instead I got this, the unraveling of Western Civilization at our own hands.

    I need an injection of Stoicism, stat. Or morphine…

    • blackjack

      At least the water only gets hotter slowly. Or, there’s this.

    • Jerms

      Im worried about my kids too. Pre-teen and a teenager. I really think that by the time they are young adults this country is going to be in real bad shape. I havent been on Facebook or watched the news for weeks. Every story gets me angry—and since i got off FB i have nowhere to rant about it.

      • blackjack

        I’d feel the same way ( my kid’s 8 ), but I gave up on prognosticating last year. There’s always the chance that enough people snap out of it and they turn the ship back around to slow and steady destruction again.

      • straffinrun

        The train left Slowen Steady Destruction Station years ago.

      • hayeksplosives

        I’ve got a step granddaughter on the way. But her mother is a true believer liberal social democrat, and I refuse to get involved in that shit show.

    • rhywun

      Laughing at the insanity of it all is all I have.

    • kinnath

      I keep telling myself that the grifters in congress need a functioning economy to keep the graft rolling in. So the current public spectacle is just for show and the behind the scenes shit continues as always.

      But, I’m not sure I believe that anymore.

      • commodious spittoon

        They’ll happily rule over the ashes than share power over a functioning economy.

      • Viking1865

        Pelosi, Schumer, and Biden understand this. But they are all over 70. The young ones really do believe in this bullshit. So if Biden, Pelosi, and Schumer all live through the next four years and can keep the commies at bay, we might get along with just a 3rd Obama term.

        But if they let the loonies off the leash, shit could get real bad real fast. A massive tax hike and a Green New Deal coupled with the amount of debt they racked up fighting the Wuhan Flu, we could be looking at the big drop.

    • Muzzled Woodchipper

      My Brazilian wife and I laughed at the “multiracial whiteness” article where it’s perfectly okay to call black conservatives Uncle Tom white supremacists. As long as you use academic jargon, you’re good.

    • straffinrun

      Hate to say it, but leave the states if you want to spare your kids the shit show that’s coming. But, tough times make or break people, so I dunno.

      • Gadfly

        I do not think there is anywhere to run to if you want to avoid the coming shit show. The US is the supreme power in the world, in economic, military, and diplomatic terms. If things go south in the US, it will ripple out throughout the rest of the world. The current world order, for both good and ill, is upheld by the US, and if the US falters the ensuing world order is likely to be worse. To update an old phrase, if the US sneezes the rest of the world will catch a cold.

      • Mojeaux

        Back in the aughts, some ZH commenters were pushing SE Asia.

      • blackjack

        Seasteading is the life for me. But not like that crappy water world stuff. And definitely not like those cruise ships. And not like that crappy Tom Hanks movie with the soccer ball costar. Well, never mind.

      • straffinrun

        The world cemetery is filled with indispensable nations. Yet, we still have billions of humans on Earth. The same battle that always existed will exist after America falls.

  14. leon

    Hey guys (and mythical gals), just scanned through the firefox “recommended” articles, and the press is really pushing the “White Supremacist” “Coup” “Insurrection” narrative. It is really disgusting. As such i figure you freaks might need a pick me up.

    So grow the up and buckle up butter cup.

    • straffinrun

      Watching the Capitol being treated like the green zone in Baghdad warms my heart.

  15. Homple

    That is some great stuff, Derpetologist. Thanks.

  16. KromulentKristen

    I needed some god derp, so thanks, Derp!

    • KromulentKristen

      *good derp. Today sucked.

    • l0b0t

      Sorry to hear and I hope your doge is ok. I found 2 of the 3 missing episodes of the rock and roll thing, I’m uploading them to the cloud storage now.

      • KromulentKristen

        ????

        WOW! That’s awesome!!

        I’ll keep my fingers crossed that PBS will pop up somewhere

      • l0b0t

        Uploaded, here’s a link.

      • KromulentKristen

        Thanks!! Can’t wait to binge the crap out of it!

  17. straffinrun

    Foucault’s Boomerang.

  18. l0b0t

    I assume I’m not alone in needing some escapism from this shitty reality. To whit, here is the greatest British gangster film ever made – The Long Good Friday

    • blackjack

      Imma guess it’s a buncha cuntes shooting each other with nonexistent guns and calling each other cunts while smoking fags. None of whom are worried about getting hurt by the nonexistent bullets, because they have excellent (and free) healthcare.

      • l0b0t

        Nah… it’s from 1980. They actually address some of the UK gun law foolishness – the mob boss hands out the firearms to his men personally and reminds them that if caught by Old Bill, they are to claim the permit is in the mail and they only use them to scare the pigeons off the roof of the caravan. There are some IRA bombings though, and a young Pierce Brosnan as a gay Irish assassin.

      • blackjack

        Imma watch that. Thanks.

      • blackjack

        Never mind, I’ve seen it. It was pretty good. Maybe one more time won’t hurt, it’s been a while.

      • Chipwooder

        Or Sexy Beast?

    • KSuellington

      Thanks lo, will have to check that out. Lock Stock, Snatch, Layer Cake, Bank Job, and Sexy Beast were all excellent Brit gangster flicks. Someone earlier mentioned the newest Ritchie movie was good, will have to find it.

    • zwak

      Ha! I recomended that this morning. Great minds and all that shit.

  19. Mojeaux

    Derp, I LOLd at the first paragraph. I read it to Mr Mojeaux, who also LOLd.

  20. The Other Kevin

    Well done Derp. I do wonder how crazy our self destruction looks from the outside.

    • rhywun

      The weird thing is that large parts of it are world-wide.

      I didn’t see that coming.

  21. straffinrun

    The Japanese have this habit of saying, “Samui, samui!” (it’s cooold!) whenever they go inside on a winter day. Growing up in Northern Wisconsin we never said that. If someone did, we’d have looked at them like, “No shit.”

    So yeah, it’s fucking cold now in terms of culture and politics. No shit. Bundle up and take the wannabe tyrants on.

    • C. Anacreon

      The Japanese have this habit of saying, “Samui, samui!” (it’s cooold!)

      But Koh Samui is a hot tropical island. Go figure.

  22. Yusef drives a Kia

    The Theme Park of your mind,
    crashes down, due to,
    Lack of Maintenance,

    • pistoffnick

      But is the “Tunnel of Love” still functional?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        The Love Pump is,

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        exactly!

  23. Gadfly

    Bravo. This is positively Swiftian.

    And if I were a meme-maker, it would inspire me to make a meme on the subject: on the left a picture of the House with Congress assembled captioned “Governments overthrown by these people: N” (where N is whatever number it is – 20, 30?), and on the right a picture of the House with the rioters assembled captioned “Governments overthrown by these people: 0”.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      That was So Cool!

    • blackjack

      I thought you meant dating in the eighties, at first. SRSLY, that is cool as all hell.

      • KromulentKristen

        Lookit those tires!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        those planes are awesome,

    • db

      I’m dithering on what my next build will be, after I finish my RV-10, which will be a traveling machine–will it be a STOL backcountry airplane, or a fast aerobat? I love the STOL and backcountry planes, but here in PA, there aren’t too many places in the backcountry to land that are maintained enough to be consistently available or safe. Out West, there are a lot more backcountry flyers who have banded together to maintain backcountry strips.

      • tripacer

        Maybe a Bearhawk then? STOL-ish, and still cruises at 150 mph. How far along is your RV? I’ve been dreaming of building an RV14 when I get a bigger garage. Or maybe a -9 if they move to final-sized holes.

      • db

        I have definitely considered the Bearhawk–it looks like a great airplane for the kinds of things I’d like to do. The RV is just shy of the canoe stage–I am getting close to installing the side skins on the fuselage. Wings are nearly complete except for systems installation.

        I think either the 9 or the 14 would be good choices. The 9 is a very versatile design and can go many places (see user “Vlad” on the Van’s Airforce forums–he’s taken his 9A places some wouldn’t consider possible). The wing on the 9 is supposed to be a great compromise–all around a very good airplane. The 14 has the same airfoil as the 10, but the wings are one or two bays shorter. I haven’t flown in either a 14 or a 9, but both seem like great options.

        There’s a lot of talk about Van’s possibly getting into the backcountry high wing market, but they’d have a high bar to clear to beat the Bearhawk. Even the Rans S-21 looks quite good. The advantage Van’s would have would be ease of kit construction, probably.

        I don’t know if they’ve already moved the -9 to final size holes, but they did that for the -10 last year (of course, I already have purchased all the kits that would benefit from that feature).

  24. straffinrun

    They’re using your patriotism to handcuff you while they bust batons on your skull.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      My skull is quite intact, maybe you read to much Grauniad…..

    • pistoffnick

      Jokes on them. I gave away my patriotism a long time ago.

      • straffinrun

        Good. “I’m gonna stay with my husband who has beaten the shit out of me for decades cuz he was a really good boyfriend in high school.”

      • LemonGrenade

        There’s a difference between being loyal to the ideal of the America and believing in the US government. The government can die in a fire, but I still love Americans.

      • straffinrun

        Sure. I swear allegiance to no govt. There are many pockets of decent culture in the US. There is nothing good coming out of DC.

      • LemonGrenade

        Agreed. I wasn’t joking about the ‘government can die in a fire’ but I’d shed tears aplenty for the majority of the people I’ve met across the USA, and I hope it never comes to that. I like this place, and I’d rather not see it entirely trashed just yet.

      • blackjack

        It’s the internet and the purge has begun. Of course you were joking.

      • LemonGrenade

        Uh yes you are, of course, correct.

      • pistoffnick

        I like my neighbors (mostly). I’ll help them out when they need it (I’m the guy with all the tools). I’m somewhat proud of the beautiful city I live in (though I have serious questions about where my tax dollars are going and why the pot holes are so bad). I like the idea of this county (North Shore of Lake Superior). But they seem to squander even more of my tax dollars. State level is just fucked. They steal my money to build stadiums and concert halls in the big city. National level is even more fucked. I seriously question what good our military has done in Afghanistan or Somalia or all the other shit-holes we have invaded/made safe for democracy. I wonder why the US maintains over 5,000 active military bases around the world. I have no disrespect for the many Glib veterans who served, but I wonder if their service did any good.

        Patriotism is the cheapest of emotions.

      • rhywun

        I have no disrespect for the many Glib veterans who served, but I wonder if their service did any good.

        Get out of my head.

      • Chipwooder

        Did me plenty of good. Never would have met my wife without the Corps

      • Viking1865

        “I have no disrespect for the many Glib veterans who served, but I wonder if their service did any good.”

        I don’t wonder at all. Just need to drive through the nicer areas of Loudon and Fairfax counties, where the defense contractor executives live. Lots of very nice houses with nice cars in the driveway.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Eh not all of use got a cushy MilComplex job…but yeah, it makes you wonder.

      • LemonGrenade

        I mostly like my neighbors. I’ve visited over half the states in the US in the past three years, and I’ve gotten along great with the majority of the campers I’ve met. Almost all of my family, immediate and extended, is based within the US. I’m not giving up on this country yet, even if I think we’re ruled by idiots. My love of my fellow countrymen has nothing to do with my total lack of respect for its institutions.

  25. Yusef drives a Kia

    Leaving Leviathan,
    and the madness,
    For Darkness, Good?

    • straffinrun

      There are 3 types of hero in Atlas Shrugged: The take them on from the inside guy, the pirate, and Galt. Any of those choices seem fine to me.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Don’t forget the Stoner guy who was cut out of the book, his one page speech was the best part!

      • straffinrun

        Nice! (Kudos to you for avoiding the “But her characters are so stiff!”).

  26. Muzzled Woodchipper

    Wall Street has teh sadz….

    Wall Street may be facing an uncomfortable four years after President-elect Joe Biden’s team confirmed on Monday it planned to nominate two consumer champions to lead top financial agencies, signaling a tougher stance on the industry than many had anticipated.

    Maybe think twice next time before you open your wallet to a Democrat?

    • Viking1865

      I feel like that’s kabuki theater to be honest. They own the Senate Majority Leader, after all.

    • rhywun

      Is this where we go through the ritual Main Street so super better and more moral than Wall Street bullshit again? Christ, it was so tiresome the last half dozen times I remember it.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Like we are pieces on a board game rhywun…nothing more, nothing less.

    • Chafed

      No one could have seen that coming. ?

  27. Yusef drives a Kia

    Galts stoner Speech, For you Straff,

    Dudes, thanks for letting me speak,
    So, you already decided I’m like, guilty of Heinous crimes, smoking doobies, and like, starting a new free way of living.
    Is that so Bad Old Dude? What’s wrong with working at pizza Parlor, or driving for Uber, if like, you have like a License and stuff, huh, but I digress. It people like me, who pay for your lifestyles, while we just get stoned all day and forget about it. I went to your schools and was brainwashed, my brain was totally washed, and you got into my head, then I smoked some weed, ya Mon. I built the finest, and you tore it down, a great crop, all the people were happy,
    And you took it away for your own power trip Man.
    Show me da Man, I show you de crime, I heard you say that once,
    I’ll just say that the stoners aren’t so passive Dude, heads up Mr. Toohey

    • blackjack

      What’ca gonna do about me?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Stoners aren’t hippies, but hippies are stoners,
        /disc golf

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      That is something that I have been rolling around in my head of late. I watched the interview with Q Shaman and the guy sounded like an honest to god hippy, if you were to snatch an average ding-bat out of Woodstock circa 1969 and swap a few adjectives around, they would be nearly indistinguishable. As they say: The more things change the more they stay the same.

      • blackjack

        I’ll say this. The left back then were way more hardcore. They would rob a bank and kill some cops to buy bomb making materials to blow up the courthouse so they could break the Black Panthers out of prison and THEN overthrow the government with the hieresses they kidnapped and brainwashed. Not fucking around, they were.

      • Chafed

        Give antifa a little more time.

  28. mrfamous

    Neocon remover has surfaced post Twitter ban:

    “congress calls the permanent destruction of your workplace “a public health order” and a temporary disruption of theirs “domestic terrorism””

    https://boyz.town/0005/

    • hayeksplosives

      Nice.

      In an “I weep for the future of my country” gallows humor kind of way.

  29. hayeksplosives

    I found out today I might have to get TS clearance. I am probably DQ’d by having a lifetime NRA membership and reading books that promote personal responsibility and freedom above government safety net and no freedom.

    Whatevs. I’ll apply, tell the truth, and let the chips fall where they may.

    • Plinker762

      Just be sure to say your loyalty pledge to Biden

      • Plinker762

        I had a TS back in the simpler times of the 90s

    • Ownbestenemy

      This wasn’t for a TS but when I joined I did not lie about my dabbling in the devil’s weed and my recruiter about flipped his shit.

      Recruiter “Why would you say yes to that!”
      Me “Because one of the core tenets of the Air Force is integrity sir!”
      Recruiter (paraphrased) “Here is the story that you will tell from here on out”…

      I should have known then…

      • tripacer

        Recruiter “Why would you say yes to that!”

        This checks out.
        /former army guard recruiter

      • tripacer

        Though we would have one of the other recruiters in the office do the talking so it could be denied.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Which now I would be suspect if I reported I did NOT dabble…

    • Chafed

      NRA membership will dq you? Why?

      • hayeksplosives

        I was referring back to the Homeland security memo about groups that breed “domestic terrorism “ and one of the things on the list was being a. 2nd amendment enthusiast.

      • Chafed

        Got it. What’s their stance on 4th, 5th, and 6th amendment enthusiasts?

    • Idle Hands

      Just be honest with them.

  30. J. Frank Parnell

    Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels > Snatch

    Snatch is good, but the problem is that the main protagonists never interact with the diamond plotline until the end of the movie, and even then it’s completely by accident. Makes it a bit disjointed.

    LS+2SB, on the other hand, does a great job of having all the various plot threads revolving completely around the actions of the protagonists, even when they’re completely unaware of what’s going on.

    • commodious spittoon

      Plus Pikey Brad Pitt.

      Man, I need to queue up that movie, I haven’t seen it in ages.

      • commodious spittoon

        Wait, I mixed up the two. I need to queue em both up, it’s been ages.

    • Count Potato

      And people thought electing Biden would stop this shit.

      Never negotiate with terrorists.

      • Chafed

        Completely agree. If there were any justice, one of the drivers would have reenacted a scene from Death Race 2000.

  31. pan fried wylie

    I want to know why lobot is buying DDRTHREE in this day and age.

    Get a cpu that does DDR4 already. That will actually impact performance noticeably. Or just wait till DDR5 at this point, shit.

    • Chafed

      Who’s in the what now?

    • commodious spittoon

      I went to buy a Ryzen 9 and the shelves look like the paper products aisle in March.

      • commodious spittoon

        Kinda figure like I should wait for Zen 4 and fucking Lovelace at this point.

      • commodious spittoon

        Not that I have a choice, given the inventory issues… might as wall talk about waiting to bang Ariana Grande.

      • pan fried wylie

        My next PC will be a forge and shoein’ impedimentia.

    • l0b0t

      Meh… I built the machine 2013, back when DDR3 was the bee’s knees, and I need to keep it goin for a few more years. It’s a micro ATX (Asus F2A85M-PRO), with an AMD a-10 CPU stuffed into the best case ever made (and the reason I went micro ATX) – the Silverstone FT-03 https://www.silverstonetek.com/product.php?pid=291#fgo-top

  32. Count Potato

    My new fetish is half-asian chicks who drop commercials like Paul Harvey

    “Leftist’s WON’T STOP Until You Have NO VOICE: Big Tech Censorship”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_iIK87EWeE

    • hayeksplosives

      Mmm… Guinness soap.

      She’s right about the censorship thing.

      So far youtube hasn’t deplatformed many opposition views. But they are one with Google.

      I has a confuse.

      • Count Potato

        “So far youtube hasn’t deplatformed many opposition views.”

        Oh, they have.

      • hayeksplosives

        As a test, I just opened a new Brave window and searched JP Sears. I clicked on a YouTube video of him and got:

        YouTube (owned by Google) does not let you watch videos anonymously. As such, watching videos here will be tracked by YouTube/Google.

        It gave a choice of continuing with Brave or opening in Google.

        I did not click either.

        Fuck this shit. Too bad Sheldon Adelson kicked it before he could buy Vimeo or start his own.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Man they can turn a narrative. That is damn impressive.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      Of course it’s different. We’re good guys. They’re bad guys. Duh.

  33. hayeksplosives

    I just read that Macaulay Culkin is saying the cameo appearance by Donald Trump in Home Alone 2 ‘must be deleted and memory holed. (It’s a really short scene where the lost little boy in NYC wanders into a building and asks Trump for directions. Trump says down the hall and to the left or something equally offensive.)

    https://www.theguardian.com/film/2021/jan/14/macaulay-culkin-joins-calls-to-get-donald-trump-cameo-removed-from-home-alone-2

    How Macaulay looks in a mirror and still concludes that it’s Trump that is a vile loser boggles the mind.

    • Count Potato

      That shit is just silly.

    • Tres Cool

      well he has to try to stay in the news somehow

  34. Tres Cool

    Being bored, I decided to give one of my older laptops (a crappy ASUS) a little boost by doubling its memory. After completely disassembling/reassembling the thing (Im pretty sure that a decent gauge of quality is the ability to easily upgrade) I go to restart it, anxious to see any performance gain. It was at the moment Microsquish decided it needed updates, and gummed the works with 4 of them.

    /still waiting

    • Suthenboy

      speaking of tragic boating accidents…

    • westernsloper

      The Oath Keepers are a large but loosely organized collection of militia who believe that the federal government has been coopted by a shadowy conspiracy that is trying to strip American citizens of their rights, according to the FBI.

      What kind of batshit insane nut believes stuff like that?

      • UnCivilServant

        Can’t trust a word the FBI said, they’re a notorious domestic terror organization.

      • rhywun

        Right? “Shadowy conspiracy” ?

        Everyone knows they’re doing it right out in the open.

    • Suthenboy

      what does that mean, ‘they approached the entrance…’ ?

    • Sean

      You wouldn’t believe the number of white supremacists I saw on my way to work this morning.

  35. Yusef drives a Kia

    ‘Morning Everybody,

    • Tres Cool

      HEY YUFUS!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Hey Mon!

    • Sean

      Mornin

    • Gender Traitor

      Morning, Glibboys!

    • Tres Cool

      I think I saw Vaccine Passport open for Anthrax at OzFest

    • Tres Cool

      Ive been up all night and steadily drinking….I may believe about 30% of that story

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      Wylie is one of the shittiest towns in Texas. Zero character, zero attractions, not small enough to be small, not far enough away to not be Dallas, a true Chili’s and WalMart town. The houses are made of laminated paper, the kind of place where chimneys aren’t brick. At least McKinney and Plano are full of MILF; Wylie is the town where the perverts caught on To Catch a Predator come from: they cruised over to Murphy to get caught. What I’m trynna say is it sucks.

      Digby knows.

  36. Tres Cool

    Laptop screws….amirite ?

    • Gender Traitor

      What else does it do?

      • Tres Cool

        Im trying to properly put this thing back together. After too many beers overnight, Im like- “meh- 4 in the corners should hold it”

    • Tres Cool

      ‘sup pimp

    • Gender Traitor

      Morning, UCS.

      • UnCivilServant

        How are things this mroning? TT doing better?

      • Gender Traitor

        Yes he is – thanks for asking.

        I’m dreading work a bit. I have to post payroll in a hurry, since it’s a day late after the holiday. The good news is that we’re getting an “incentive” because the CU did well the second half of last year. The bad news is that I can’t enter each employee’s incentive until AFTER I export last week’s approved timesheets into the payroll system, where I also have to enter painstaking detail about the FIVE (out of about 85) employees who are applying to used COVID-related time off last pay period. And there’s always a mountain of mail after a Monday holiday.

        In short, today’s my Hell Day at work, but after this I think the worst of my Hell Month is over.

      • UnCivilServant

        Look on the bright side – tomorrow should be easy by comparison.

      • Gender Traitor

        Yup – AND TT has his neuro appointment tomorrow to be checked and (we hope) cleared for driving again.

      • Gender Traitor

        In other news, started reading the first of the trilogy one of my sisters gave me for belated Christmas (which we finally did Saturday.) Not bad, but I’m not thrilled with the use of present tense and, for one of the multiple plot lines, SECOND person. I find it gimmicky.

        Got any more drafts to send?

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, I have the start of the extended version of Omnirunner. I’ve got a few sub 10k pieces.

        Where did your copy of “On Unknown Shores” leave off?

      • UnCivilServant

        Oh, na dpresent tense second person just needles all of my irritation points with regards to tense and pov in storytelling. I would not get past the first sentence.

      • Gender Traitor

        The last I have from OUS is Svetlana explaining to Dug why she took up painting.

      • UnCivilServant

        Okay, so I have 3k more words there where Dug visits a library.

      • Gender Traitor

        That sounds a little familiar, but it may have been in an e-mail my rudimentary search just now didn’t locate.

      • UnCivilServant

        I discussed the library visit in glib comments, so… *shrug* it could be either.

      • Tres Cool

        I just took a pile of empty cans out…its chilly, homes

      • Gender Traitor

        Yup. And at last check, I’ll need to brush a dusting of snow off my car. Still beats hell out of ice.

  37. Sean

    Twerking for MLK day.

    I’m gonna need to stock up on liquor for 2021.