Moral Panic Grips Nation as Popular Song Encourages Juvenile Delinquency

by | Jan 11, 2021 | Satire | 278 comments

LOS ANGELES – Millions of parents are furious at the hit band Disrespect Your Elders for promoting youthful misbehavior in their music. “I’m literally shaking” said Moms Yearning Over Protecting Innocent Children president Joanna Gambolputty. “In my day, we listened to good, wholesome music like Eat Your Vegetables or Do Your Homework. Whatever happened to that?”

Old Wine In New Bottles, the record label that represents Disrespect Your Elders, has firmly denied any misconduct. “Let me be the first to say that no one is more outraged than me” said company president Al Cuhallick, “but alas, our hands are tied by the first amendment. But as a gesture of goodwill, I am pleased to announce that we are donating vast sums to all the currently popular activist groups, including the ones encouraging pre-teens to mutilate their genitals. It’s our way of giving back to society.” Cuhallick then politely ended the interview to ponder what yacht he should buy next.

Speaking on behalf of the band, Disrespect Your Elders frontman Whizzy LSMFT defended the band by saying “like, look man – it’s just music, you know? Chill. The more you fight it, the more our fans want to buy our albums and stuff. It’s like that story about the forbidden fruit. I read it one time. I think it was called Jimbo and the Giant Pear.” Grandparents and other experts have stressed the need to remain calm, adding that once the fans of Disrespect Your Elders start marrying and having kids, they will surely become even more insufferable prudes than their lame-o parents.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

278 Comments

  1. DEG

    Moms Yearning Over Protecting Innocent Children president Joanna Gambolputty

    Now Gambolputty is in MYOPIC? She gets around.

    • westernsloper

      Winston’s last name is Gambolputty.

    • rhywun

      Trump Hides Nuclear Codes In Bible Where Pelosi Will Never Find Them

      LOL

      • hayeksplosives

        She might run across them if she tries to find in the Bible where it says “abortion is a sacrament” as she claimed.

    • Urthona

      A tangent, btw, but I recently learned there are no (fixed) nuclear codes.

      A new set is printed out each day and given to the president in sealed form on a plastic card.

      He doesn’t learn them. He memorizes where on the card to look for the them if he ever needs to break the seal and look at the card. That’s because the card is also full of fake codes to throw off someone who comes into possession of them that day.

      • Count Potato

        “He memorizes where on the card to look for the them”

        Biden can’t remember shit.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        As if they’d trust Joe with them. Tendie Num Nums gets the card.

      • rhywun

        I believe it’s Tendie Nub Nubs.

      • rhywun

        That sounds like a lot of work.

      • blackjack

        Do they contain some caps, special characters, numbers and at least 8 digits? I will never remember that shit, and if I do, they’ll just make me change it again in two months anyway.

      • hayeksplosives

        I like the key tokens I use every day at work.

        I have a 6 digit code that I memorized, plus a physical token with 6 additional displayed digits, changing every few seconds, that I have to concatenate with my code to gain access.

      • EvilSheldon

        Interesting. That’s pretty similar to the way I flatfile my passwords.

  2. But Enough About [this space intentionally left blank]

    Goooood, good.

    Let the Derp flow through you.

    • Fourscore

      ” Grandparents and other experts have stressed the need to remain calm, adding that once the fans of Disrespect Your Elders start marrying and having kids, they will surely become even more insufferable prudes than their lame-o parents.”

      You have my phone bugged, haven’t you?

      Home run, Derpster.

      • westernsloper

        Ha!

    • rhywun

      Derpy has a lot of work on his hands trying to keep one step ahead of actual derp that’s coming at us from every direction this week.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        no doubt

  3. Aloysious

    Derpy, you’ve made me want to listen to Relax, by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

    It’s about… relaxing.

    • one true athena

      omg I was so innocent in school. Now I hear the song and I’m like “how the hell was that played on the radio?” lol

      • Bobarian LMD

        I guess you never saw Body Double?

    • slumbrew

      I was listening to Welcome to the Pleasuredome just a couple weeks ago.

      It starts with an odd ~ 2 minute little vocal/instrumental prelude, then swings into the 13 and a half minute(!) title track, the first 90 seconds or so of which is just jungle sounds and a flute.

      Then we swing into the big hit (Relax), then a six minute song that features a (bad) Ronald Reagan impressionist.

      Then, into the second hit from the album, Two Tribes – but it’s a 9 minute version on the album (and also features that Reagan impressionist).

      Then we have a cheery 2 minute interlude of ominous music and what sounds like some nuclear war public safety films.

      Then we swing into a straight-up cover of Born To Run.

      It goes downhill from there.

      It’s an album filled with bold cocaine-fueled choices.

      • rhywun

        I love Two Tribes but yeah, never owned the album.

    • Rebel Scum

      Crack kills.

      • Ted S.

        Whitney Houston Beats Bobby Brown to Death

      • Bobarian LMD

        Like a perverse version of Rock Paper Scissors?

    • blackjack

      Meh, he probably saw one of those ” kill your TV” bumper stickers. Either that, or he attacked the sacred halls of democracy, striking at the very heart of our constitutional paradise and therefore should have been shot on sight. Coexist, my ass. Hate has no home in the NFL.

    • KromulentKristen

      Fake or not, his Picksburgh tears are delicious

    • rhywun

      I don’t know if I should buy him a new TV or a pair of pants that fit

      LOL

      See, Twitter isn’t all evil.

    • Bobarian LMD

      The appropriate time to do that was before the end of the 1st Qtr, because the rest of that game was pretty good football.

  4. Rebel Scum

    Dems really insist on…

    Lieu said, “I support both Representatives Cori Bush and Tom Malinowski and their efforts. I also note incitement to insurrection is a federal crime. So anyone who incites insurrection should be investigated and prosecuted. No one is above the law, not the president and not members of Congress. So I hope federal prosecutors and the FBI are looking at what some of these Republican members of Congress did to have January 6th happen.”

    He continued, “I think there should be an investigation of what some members of Congress did, and depending on what they did, I believe if they incited insurrection, they should be prosecuted.”

    …continuing to play with fire.

    “Let’s just say first, those were outrageous comments that those individuals, including the president of the United States, made. Clearly, the crowd was hyped up, juiced up, focused on the Capitol, and rather than calm them down, or at lowest, emphasize the peaceful nature of what protests need to be, they really did encourage these folks and riled them up. Now, whether that comes to a legal complaint, I think we’ve got to really dig in and get all of the facts. I know I’m looking at a charge under the D.C. code of inciting violence. That would apply where there’s a clear recognition that one’s incitement could lead to foreseeable violence. We still have more investigation to do, and that’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to work zealously and fully and where the facts lead to where they naturally go.”

    Mitchell asked, “Are you looking at the president’s role, or is he immune because of the Office of Legal Counsel guidance that has been followed that the president cannot be prosecuted?”

    Racine said, “Sure, Andrea, as you know, the OLC opinion says the president can’t be prosecuted while the president is in office. As it turns out, the president has about nine more days of office, and, of course, the investigation is going to go on much beyond those nine days. It will be another legal question as to whether the president can be prosecuted after his term of office. I think the better weight of authority answers that question affirmatively. And I’m not targeting the president or anyone else. I’m just saying the D.C. office of Attorney General, and I’m heartened that the U.S. Attorney also said the same thing, we’re going to follow the facts, and we’re going to go exactly where the facts lead.”

    • mrfamous

      I think I made a Himmler photoshop of that guy many years ago for TOS. He had done something extremely authoritarian and he kinda looked like Himmler, so…

      • mrfamous

        My bad it wasn’t Lieu, it was Eric Mar. And it was because Mar had successfully banned Happy Meals in his little fifedom (no toys allowed with McDonald’s meals).

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Hero

  5. Rebel Scum

    I, for one, welcome our Orwellian overlords.

    “We are now removing content containing the phrase ‘stop the steal’ under our Coordinating Harm policy from Facebook and Instagram,” Facebook said in a statement. “We removed the original Stop the Steal group in November and have continued to remove Pages, groups and events that violate any of our policies, including calls for violence.”

    “We’ve been allowing robust conversations related to the election outcome and that will continue,” the company added. “But with continued attempts to organize events against the outcome of the US presidential election that can lead to violence, and use of the term by those involved in Wednesday’s violence in DC, we’re taking this additional step in the lead up to the inauguration. It may take some time to scale up our enforcement of this new step but we have already removed a significant number of posts.”

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      That’s the sound of Tor making a comeback.

    • Mojeaux

      “robust”

      Riiiiight.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Looks like they’re going to have to organize a prevent the immoral revocation of the election victory march then although that is admittedly not as catchy.

    • Homple

      I’m tempted to get a twitter account just to see if they catch opstay the ealstay.

      • rhywun

        Me too. It would be slightly amusing to sign up and get banned within ten minutes.

      • db

        What are we, China now? Will we suddenly wake up to find out that Winnie the Pooh is a forbidden topic?

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      What about Stop the Stalin?

  6. Not Adahn

    Whizzy LSMFT

    There is an actor on Mr. Robot who’s name in the credits is “Joey Bada$$”

    • DrOtto

      He’s also the rapper that stared at the solar eclipse in 2017 because he said it was a myth that you would harm your eyes looking directly at an eclipse. I believe he is now going by Joey Dumba$$.

  7. Not Adahn

    Derpy:

    In the spirit of “amen and awomen,” feel like giving us the feminized variants of “inshallah” and other sacred Arabic expressions?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Inshallingus?

      • hayeksplosives

        Ha! Nice.

  8. grrizzly

    Belichick cucks out.

    • Ted S.

      Astonishing how quickly we went from “Kaepernick is being blacklisted for his political views and that’s awful” to “It’s virtuous that we oppress political views we disagree with”.

      • Not Adahn

        How is that astonishing? It’s the most common philosophy in the world: “people I like deserve good things, people I don’t like need to be tortured to death.”

      • Ted S.

        Astonishing is not surprising.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        That was my argument with the unpersoning debate. None of this is new or interesting: it’s just people going as far as they can, as they always have, to get the other side, and virtue of the latest tactic distills simply to whose ox is being gored.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Translation: Please don’t pull my endorsements.

    • Rebel Scum

      What happened?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        He’s refusing The Medal of Freedom.

      • rhywun

        Stunning and brave.

      • grrizzly

        He declined Presidential Medal of Freedom.

      • Rebel Scum

        I can’t believe I am saying this…but give it to Tom Brady.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Give it to your avatar, he seems like an enthusiastically patriotic fellow.

      • pistoffnick

        I’d give Tom Brady a kick in the nuts.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Give pistoffnick the medal of freedom.

  9. Rebel Scum

    What?

    “Removing Trump from office is essential, and I believe he should be impeached,” Clinton wrote. “Members of Congress who joined him in subverting our democracy should resign, and those who conspired with the domestic terrorists should be expelled immediately. But that alone won’t remove white supremacy and extremism from America.

    House Democrats have already drafted an article of impeachment against Trump for “incitement of insurrection,” but their timeline for voting on it and then sending it to the Senate remains unclear.

    Clinton compared the situation that led to Wednesday to the world before Sept. 11, 2001, claiming that the events that happened on both days were not prevented because of a “failure of imagination,” meaning the failure to appreciate the severity of the respective threats. In the current situation, she wrote, it was “the failure to account for the damage that can be done to our nation by a president who incites violence, congressional leaders who fan the flames, and social media platforms that sear conspiracy theories into the minds of Trump’s supporters.”

    Self-awareness, you have none.

    • Count Potato

      Is there anything that isn’t “white supremacy” or “gamergate”?

    • Rebel Scum

      19, 20, 21. And I’m spent.

    • Count Potato

      “Dynamism Labs created their top-selling Testosterone Booster, ManTFup, to help Chivers like you naturally increase your Testosterone levels to supercharge your sex drive and skyrocket your energy & strength. ManTFup will have you motor boatin’ some cleavage in no time!”

      OK??

    • Dr. Chipping Pioneer

      #4 is the RealDoll

      #25 is the only one who looks anywhere near normal

      #36 natural tits unnatural hair

      Probably none of them worth the agro.

      • Bobarian LMD

        #36 natural tits unnatural hair cuomo nipples

        FIFY

  10. Shpip

    The college football championship game looks to be a good one.

    General Grievous has no interest in sports, so we have her mixing manhattans.

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      lotsa north Texas and Memphis boys on both sides

      my son’s HS has a guy on each side

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        that comment probably also applies to indictees from the recents Capitol strolls and no-fly-laureates as well

    • rhywun

      That is one discerning kitteh.

      • blackjack

        Cat is thinking, ” can you just imagine all the half rotted fish heads they could have bought with the money they spent on this booze?”

      • hayeksplosives

        My husband feeds the cat canned food with her medicine every morning as a treat.

        He talks it up in a lovely sing-song voice just for her, but he’s usually saying something like “MMmm. That’s some tasty fish face. Do you want the one that’s got the organ meat of questionable origin mixed in?”

        She has him trained on what types to buy and what to avoid.

        Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

      • rhywun

        Ugh there are few things more frustrating than a cat turning up its nose at the food you give it.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        NewWife switched our cats over to Wellness cans: apparently it’s some premium sort of chicken lips ground just so ’cause they love it

      • rhywun

        I bought nothing but “premium” food for my gals and it didn’t matter. Each one had her preferences and these changed every few weeks. Anything not preferred was ignored.

      • db

        Our cats eat whatever we give them. Never have had a picky cat.

      • Mojeaux

        ^^^ This. Also never had a fat cat.

      • slumbrew

        Just spent $85 on a big-ass bag of dry food and my dog suddenly decided she no longer likes it.

        Now, add a scrambled egg to it and it’s gone in no time.

        So, that’s my life now – making an egg for the dog, twice a day.

      • rhywun

        My cats wouldn’t touch people food.

        One of them went crazy over cold cuts and I would drop a piece for her on the floor but she would just bat it around with her paws for a while and walk away.

      • pistoffnick

        Current dog loves red peppers. Not green, not yellow, not orange. Only red.

        Previous dog loved apple peels,

      • slumbrew

        Last dog loved arugula. Not other greens, just arugula.

      • pistoffnick

        Cats don’t GAF.
        I wish they would stop shitting in the potted plants though.

    • Ownbestenemy

      And a medal of freedom for the officer who saved all of Congress!

    • rhywun

      Ridiculous but predictable.

  11. dbleagle

    Article I Section 5 states “with a Concurrence of two thirds, expel a Member.” So Moobs and Pelosi will need over a third of the GOP to turn on and devour one of their own to expel a member. Ain’t gonna happen. If they are dumb enough to even try to start the process, no bill of any consequence will even get to the point of Harris unless they hold 100% of their members and get rid of the filibuster. Of course I am in favor of Congressional gridlock. GO Moobs! GO Nancy! Do it, I fucken double dog dare you.

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      Ain’t gonna happen
      yeah: posturing for posturing’s sake

      I am in favor of Congressional gridlock
      Lord hear our prayer

      • DrOtto

        Awomen

  12. Tres Cool

    T-Cizzle up in this piece

    sup’ fam ?

    O-motherfuckin’-H….

    • Count Potato

      That drunk on a Monday?

      • Tres Cool

        Its my day/night off, so…yeah

  13. Dr. Fronkensteen

    Just want to thank everyone here for providing the one place I can speak about politics. I just wish there were more places I felt comfortable expressing my views.

    • hayeksplosives

      I wish we could all gather up for an all day BBQ, booze, and weed fest. All optional of course. SP can plan the vegetarian options.

      • slumbrew

        Man, that sounds like just what I need right now (I’ll even let the “BBQ” vs. “cook-out” thing slide – unless you really mean you’re going to put us to work on a 16 hour brisket smoke:-).

        I randomly ended up with a celery root made this celeriac remoulade. Holy smokes was that delicious – it’s going to be one of my go-to cook-out items from here on out.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        I wish we could all gather up for an all day BBQ, booze, and weed fest.

        We’ve managed to visit with several Glibs in our travels and look forward to meeting many more. I’d love to talk pulsed power for a couple of hours with hayeksplosives, for example.

        Get this stupid panicdemic out of the way.

    • RAHeinlein

      Ditto,

  14. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Well, that’s one frat brother unfriended on Facebook and some other asshole blocked for suggesting I was a racist because I objected to the usage of the no-fly list against Trump supporters. Obviously, I would be ok with it being used against Muslims because I’m obviously a wrong thinker.

    The douchebags are showing their true colors.

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      it’s easier to just object the existence of any such list whatsoever

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        That was the point. That the government is turning those tools inward to punish political wrongthink and that it was predictable.

        It was lost on people that can only see TEAM

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        there you go

        but that pulls the rug out from under job one: the point of elections is to win so you can jizz all over your enemies and break their toys, I’m learning

        my most generic of points any more is that if government were as small as it should be and laws as few as they should be, no one would care who won elections: they’d be too busy making their own way and making smart choices to shit all over their neighbors

        ! ~ you can say I’m a dreamer ~ !

      • db

        I’ve had that argument before. It seldom seems to gather any traction. It’s always the *bad people* who misuse the excessive power, according to the people who don’t want to admit that the concentration of power is the root cause.

      • mrfamous

        The idea in the abstract makes sense: keep people who are clearly security risks for a flight off of flights. Of course, the reason why it’s a bad idea is that “security risk” can be broadened quite a bit, and then of course be used to administer punishment without due process. There’s no reason to believe any of the 9/11 attackers would have been on an existing “no fly” list to begin with, so what do you really have?

        So an abstractly good idea is in practice a bad idea because you can’t possibly achieve the initial goal, but what you can do is an add an extra weapon for authorities to use against the populace.

      • creech

        I don’t quite understand the “no fly” list. Why isn’t it a “Fly after being thoroughly searched List.” Is TSA admitting it can’t make certain a person deemed to be a potential terrorist is not carrying a weapon or a bomb? What, is the ten year kid with the same name as some alleged terrorist a Ninji warrior or something, who can take down the jet liner with the rigid fingers of his right hand?

      • slumbrew

        It does seem arbitrary – either they’re so dangerous they shouldn’t be walking around at all (in which case, charge them and try them) or it’s a pointless list. They need double-secret screening?

      • J. Frank Parnell

        Because it’s not really about flying, but about putting people on a naughty list?

      • Rat on a train

        There is a separate “search first” list.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Muslim and Irish. We had a sales manager who had to get the pass because he kept being pulled aside when flying. Turned out he shared the name with an IRA terrorist.

      • BakedPenguin

        I thought the IRA was pretty much a non-thing for the past decade or so.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        My guess is that friendly governments after 9/11 gave the US government the names of anyone they thought was a terrorist. Just because there was a peace treaty would have been irrelevant to providing names.

    • straffinrun

      Reasonable people that didn’t support Trump are no where to be seen. Sure, Haidt and Brett Weinstein are out there, but the rest are complicit with their silence.

      • LJW

        The silent slightly less than majority. People don’t want to say anything out of fear of being labeled a racist and losing their job.

      • rhywun

        Anyone who raises politics at work is going to get a stiff “I don’t talk politics” from me. (More so than usual.)

        Happily there is almost zero talk of anything even remotely political at work. One guy keeps bringing up masks and shit but that’s “the guy who won’t shut up” and he moved to a different team this week anyway thank goodness.

      • hayeksplosives

        But some people are just now learning that giving the left an inch invites them to take a mile.

        You can prove you’re not a racist but they call you one anyway. You can try to distance yourself from other members of your team, but if it’s not team Left, they will lump you in with the lowest common denominator on your team.

        Trump’s win (possibly two times) was largely made possible by non-lefties who are sick of being told they’re racist or deplorable or homophobic when they’re nothing of the sort.

        The left can’t see past Orange Man. But if they keep up with the name calling, career-destruction, and thought crime, then the next “Never apologize” bombastic populist will win.

        Most (?) People want to feel proud of America and to be able to say so.. after 8 years of Obama apology tours and the rise of the fragile millennial, “Make America Great Again” was a positive message with popular appeal.

      • straffinrun

        The zero sum nature of the US political system guarantees what you said will happen. You’ll hear people say that money printing doesn’t hurt MMT), but in the next breath complain about big corps not paying taxes. Why does that matter when 30%+ of all money ever created by the US was created in 2020?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Yeah, all I see are gloating and terrified. At least more masks are coming off and that provides clarity.

      • creech

        Isn’t “silence violence?”

  15. grrizzly

    Not the gorillas…

    Several gorillas at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park have tested positive for the coronavirus in what is believed to be the first known cases among such primates in the United States and possibly the world.

    The park’s executive director, Lisa Peterson, told The Associated Press on Monday that eight gorillas that live together at the park are believed to have the virus and several have been coughing.

    It appears the infection came from a member of the park’s wildlife care team who also tested positive for the virus but has been asymptomatic and wore a mask at all times around the gorillas. The park has been closed to the public since Dec. 6 as part of the state of California’s lockdown efforts to curb coronavirus cases.

    A mask surely protected the apes. Not.

    • straffinrun

      I saw a mask on a giant Teddy Bear at my kid’s doctor’s office today. The intention probably was: mask up to stay safe. The actual message will be to the kids: be afraid.

      • straffinrun

        Those people that self righteously posted the pic of the dude refusing to raise his hand among a sea of Sieg heils can suck my balls.

      • straffinrun

        Oops. Response to LJW.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        They would be the one saluting. I doubt any of them would have that kind of bravery.

      • straffinrun

        The number of Germans that simply went along indicates that’s true.

    • rhywun

      It’s almost like masks don’t do anything.

    • blackjack

      Ape shall not infect ape. Or something like that.

  16. straffinrun

    Derpy, gonna be honest. This one was a bit confusing. Lemme reread and see if it’s me.

    • Chafed

      It’s you Straff.

  17. Dr. Chipping Pioneer

    OT: Two days ago, the care home where my 93-year-old grandmother lives, had 2 people test positive (a worker and a resident). So, some moderately anxious times for the family. Today, both of those people test negative, and the place gets the all clear.

    My questions are:

    1) Are the people who initially tested positive still going to be counted as “cases”?

    2) Is this care home going to be included in the number of “outbreaks”?

    Maybe the numbers will be corrected at a later date, but I’m pretty sure that the initial positive test results will be sticks on the panic fire.

    • Rebel Scum

      Yes.

      • R C Dean

        I am careful to refer to positive tests, not cases. Because that’s what those numbers are.

    • LJW

      I’m thinking the tests are seriously flawed. I tested negative a few week back. My wife and I had the same symptoms her a day later. She tested positive.

    • ScoobaSteve

      A “case” does not refer to a person, it is a positive test result. Someone that tests 10 times with 5 positive and 5 negative is 5 cases.

  18. Rebel Scum

    I just noticed that my alma mater’s former QB is/was playing QB for the Washington Savages.

    • BakedPenguin

      Eric July put out a new video, too.

  19. straffinrun

    wE’Re noT TRyinG tO REPeAL thE 2ND AmmENdmiNT!

    As if the entire concept of the robust exchange of ideas and understanding that you may be wrong only matters when a piece of paper says it matters.

    • db

      That is an entirely true statement. They have, to my knowledge, never attempted to remove the guarantee of the right to keep and bear arms by amending the Constitution using the prescribed process.

      • straffinrun

        Darn it. I meant 1A not 2A, but I get your point.

      • blackjack

        I don’t think you have a right to mention the 1st anymore. Or the second for that matter. Anyone talking about the 2nd should be jailed, in fact.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Insurrectionist!

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        The hidden third way to change the Constitution. Congress passes the unconstitutional bill, the President signs it, then the Supreme Court squints perform some legal incantation over the law and then the Constitution is amended.

      • IntraveneousWoodChipper

        Ah, the Obama-Roberts amendment process. Classic!

      • Bobarian LMD

        Penumbras and emanations from the commerce clause are a lot older than that.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        right: convene forty state constitutional conventions or just persuade five justices?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Persuade 9 of the new justices, you mean?

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        apologies: I was in 1869 mode

  20. Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

    Not watching the game because I don’t have ESPN, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s over.

    • rhywun

      I checked out somewhere during the 3rd quarter. The thing was scheduled for 3h45m… yeah, I don’t have time for that.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        and miss the coach for THE Ohio State jumping around and waving his arms with less than ten to go and down 30?

        I guess he’s coaching them up to get ready for the big game against Indiana next year?

      • slumbrew

        Schadenfreude is an ugly emotion, but I’ve met a ton of insufferable Ohio State fans and only pleasant Bama fans , so good (sorry, Sloop).

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        I make fun of all stupid people, not just janquis

        if there’s a good reason to be jumping out of your skin after the season is already over, lay it on me

  21. Yusef drives a Kia

    I can die happy,

    • straffinrun

      You always could.

    • Chafed

      Someone got laid.

  22. straffinrun

    Thank you, Corporate media, for putting the words “insurrectionists” “sedition” and “secessionists” into the public consciousness. A no shit thank you.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Roughly 4 years too late.

    • Akira

      My big question is: how is it NOT an insurrection to cordon off several blocks of a major city and declare that it is no longer part of the United States?

      • slumbrew

        That’s different because shut up.

      • Chafed

        I see great minds think alike.

      • Chafed

        Because FYTW.

  23. grrizzly

    The tough life of math professors in Massachusetts.

    My partner wanted to ask this guy to review a paper…

  24. Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

    Maybe Florida should be ranked #2. They got the closest to beating Alabama this year.

    How long until the first article on how celebrations from Bama’s win has led to a spike in Covid cases?

    • slumbrew

      Already written, like celeb obits.

    • Don escaped Two Corinthians

      I thought it was weird over the past year how people asserted that certain behaviors made all the difference

      as if there wouldn’t be data soon enough with a huge risk of embarrassment. Now we’re embarking on the second virus season and seeing the most restrictive jurisdictions nevertheless have similar death rates to the least.

      What is embarrassing as an American is to have so many neighbors who can’t look at the figures, such as they are, and at least not come away disabused of all the previous year’s nonsense.

      • Don escaped Two Corinthians

        an extra negative in that last bit, but y’all are used to my lazy editing

      • PudPaisley

        Hey Don, seen your post about not going to Savannah. We never made it to Memphis either. We stopped in Jackson, TN around 7pm on the way down and hit Shiloh early the next morning. We spent the whole day at Shiloh then drove straight to Chattanooga.

        It was a great trip. We didn’t do any nightlife stuff aside from eating dinner. With lockdowns we decided to skip Memphis and Nashville on this trip. We just hit battlefields all day each day, drove, then did it the again the next day.

        Shiloh was definitely the high point of the trip and very intense. We walked the cemetery in the winter fog coming off the Tennessee River before the Interpretive Center opened. We were the only ones there to start the day, and we seen less than 10 people all day. We also hit Lookout Mountain, Chickamauga, Missionary Ridge, Fort Donelson, and Belmont State Park (your recommendation) in Columbus, KY on the way back.

      • Chafed

        It’s wonderful you believe people will respond to data and experience. I remember when that was largely true. Now it’s unfiltered, unchecked tribalism.

  25. Shpip

    Well, I was correct upthread. It was a pretty good game… for about a quarter and a half.

    Someone better check on TPTB in Houston. Our resident Buckeye might be sinking in his sloop of despond.

    • hayeksplosives

      I got home around 6 pacific time and had totally spaced that game.

      Sick hubby ventured out of bed and turned it on. I watched while whipping up some leftovers into chicken fried rice, watched while I ate, and then went to “lie down for a while.”

      I just woke up so I guess I needed the sleep!

      I hope I don’t get sick but historically spouse has a more functional immune system, so I’m probably doomed to get whatever he has. Might be covid.

      • hayeksplosives

        He’s got painful aching joints, fever that comes snd goes (along with the sweats) and crawly clammy skin.

        Sigh. I don’t want to stay home for 14 days—o just got back to the office! We need other humans to interact with! Even larger companies don’t have multiple years of easy reserve to tap into when revenue is down.

        The CEO pulled of a huge feat in keeping us all employed without furloughs or layoffs. We can’t do it 2 years in a row.

      • Suthenboy

        “We need other humans to interact with!”

        why in the name of god would you need that?

      • I'm Here To Help

        I had the exact same symptoms last March when this thing was first hitting. Fever was up to 101 (which is very high for me), painful joints (more-so than usual), and a slight cough with no other flu symptoms. Fever lasted for a few days, then proceeded to break about 5 times over the next 2-3 days where I was alternating between the fever chills and sweats.

        They wouldn’t give me a Covid test at the time as they were only giving it to people who had traveled to China or Italy, but my antibody test came back negative for Covid antibodies somewhat later.

        So here’s to hoping that it is only a weird variation of the flu.

  26. Ownbestenemy

    Local folks are ‘hunting’ down Parler company in Henderson. Listing is for the manger and they use a PO Box at a PostNet that is next to a Dominoes Pizza. Natural conclusion? They are using the pizza company to front for their hate! God I hate people. Not one thought, hmmm, maybe its a PO box…

    • R C Dean

      You know who else thought pizza was a front for a nefarious conspiracy?

  27. KSuellington

    Well it does look like the media and big internet decided to flex their muscles big time. After a year of them convincing a large enough group of people that lockdowns and masks were the solution, they decided to go all in on “sedition insurrection”. Looks like a fair amount are buying that horseshit as well. We will see how long it can last. It wasn’t hard to predict last March that the shutdowns would cause all kinds of social strife, we have seen more than enough of it. I’m still shocked that people believe the narrative as much as they do.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Fun exchange:

      Me:
      “What is unusual to use a PO Box? We use one and its next to a Salon. Maybe we use them as our front. You see how this witch hunt goes and how 90+ posts later people think they are using Dominoes as a front or fake address?”

      One of the more astute neighbors:
      “as a corporate physical address? It’s unusual to me. And it does come up as a Dominos pizza. I can assure you this would be front page Qanon news if Twitter’s corporate address came up like this that a pedo ring was in there. I know better though…but to me…it unusual. Not nefarious. Just unusual. And I don’t really care about it lol”

      The “i don’t really care about it” to me means…wow I am an idiot but I will be passive about like I didn’t just spend 30 minutes arguing that it is Dominoes.

      • KSuellington

        Very bizarre. Free speech is now to be actively hunted down. Really hoped I wouldn’t see that here. And yes, I know it has been repressed before, but this seems ominous. Damn there needs to be a pendulum swing right about now.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Wasn’t supposed to be a reply to you, but it fits. 😉

      • KSuellington

        Never go full commie.

        Or really even part commie. Disgusting.

  28. Ownbestenemy

    Don, we should ask SP to set up a chess forum 😉

  29. tripacer

    Am I the only one here? Not even Yusef? I picked a shitty night to not sleep.

    • Suthenboy

      nah, no sleep here either
      I wandered away to shop for machetes.
      longer is better for keeping blackberry thorns out of your knuckles

    • hayeksplosives

      Insomnia bites. Sorry dude.

      I am only awake due to nature’s call, so I expect to drift peacefully back to sleep within half an hour.

  30. Sean

    I bought my lottery tickets yesterday.

    Don’t even bother buying yours, I have the winning tickets.

    ?

  31. Sean

    Why am I getting put into moderation?!?!

    /outraged

  32. Suthenboy

    yep
    made the mistake of turning on the news
    looks like the pinkos are going full banana republic, what a surprise. this is going nowhere good

    • I'm Here To Help

      My wife, who usually scoffs at the more dire predictions of where the country is going, actually brought up the discussion of inviting one of her coworkers to hole up with us if the SHTF. Of course, her thoughts were full of her Germanic logic and efficiency – her coworker is 1) well armed, 2) a good shot, and 3) weighs about 90 pounds dripping wet, and thus eats like a bird. She rejected my coworker, who is 1) well armed, 2) a questionable shot, and 3) weighs 240 pounds, eats like a horse, and would bring his 5 children along with him.

      Can’t question her logic…

      • CPRM

        Good on you getting a threesome going. I don’t morally approve, but it’s still cool.

      • Sean

        L O L

      • mrfamous

        “I don’t morally approve”

        Yeah, sure.

      • Suthenboy

        son, stepson and grandchildren have dibs here and all have said if TSHTF they are coming here

      • UnCivilServant

        Does your tree farm have enough compoundyness to do that?

      • Suthenboy

        back in the ’50s my father smuggled his paycheck out of Zambia to South Africa by placing the cash in a brown paper bag with grease stains on it, rolling up the top of the bag and placing it on his dashboard. he sailed through every checkpoint

  33. CPRM

    Watching Trump’s incitement to insurrection speech. Transcribed verbatim here in, as I’m not for winning points, but for truth.

    ‘If this happened to the democrats, there would be hell going on all over the country. But just remember this, you are stronger, you are smarter, you have more going than anybody. And they try and demean everybody, having anything to do with us. An you’re the real people. You’re the people that built this nation, not the people that tore down our nation.’

    ‘We’re going to walk down, and I am going to go with you, we are going to walk, we’re gonna walk down, anyone you want, but I thin be right here, we’re gonna walk down to the capitol and we’re going to cheer on our brave senators and congress men and women And we’re probably not going to be cheering so much for some of them. Because, you’ll never take back our country with weakness. You have to show strength and be strong.”

    “I know that that everyone here will so be walking over to the capitol building to make your voices strongly and patriotically heard.”

    Overton Window moment when Trump talks about RINOs. OMFG, he’s a 90s democrat and he is to the ‘right’ of some Republicans. We are well and truly fuckt.

    “I you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore.”

    “We’re going, we’re going to, walk down Pennsylvania Avenue, and I love Pennsylvania Avenue, and we’re going to the capitol, going to try and give, the Democrats are hopeless, they’re never voting for anything. Not even one vote. But we’re going to try and give our Republicans, the weak ones, because the strong one’s don’t need any of our help, we’re going to try and give them the kind of pride and boldness that they need to take back our country. So, lets walk down Pennsylvania Avenue. I want to thank you all, and God Bless America.”

    The quoted passages are anything that can in any way be construed as having anything to do with what happened afterwards. The words of a Tyrant, no doubt.

    • Not an Economist

      I think it is clear that if the situation was reversed and Biden had given that speech and his supporters had crashed the Capitol, Nancy and her fellow travelers would still be trying to impeach Trump because he obviously forced them to do desperate things.

  34. Yusef drives a Kia

    Mornin’ all! I’m early late,

    • Gender Traitor

      Mornin’, Yu.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I just had to check and make sure Kittah is still alive, yep, sleeping away, she seems a bit better, but still wobbly,

      • Gender Traitor

        That’s great! Give her as much affection as you can – or as much as she’ll let you.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        affection? I recall that, somewhere, once, it’s a good thing, right?

    • CPRM

      I had the day night off, so I’ve been drinking for the last 5 hrs, in pandemic times nothing is open after sundown, just like the 90s. 24hr stores?! They might spread the vid! Best to make everyone congregate during a smaller time frame.

      • CPRM

        Forgot the strikethough, should have read:

        I had the day night off, so I’ve been drinking for the last 5 hrs, in pandemic times nothing is open after sundown, just like the 90s. 24hr stores?! They might spread the vid! Best to make everyone congregate during a smaller time frame.

      • rhywun

        Now you’re thinking like a Scientist!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Howdy

      • CPRM

        Morning is like a construct, created by the egg industry, man!

  35. CPRM

    Beautiful days won’t return for another few months, but I do Hate Every Beautiful Day.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I can’t stand it being dark at 7 AM, where’s muh Daylight?

      • CPRM

        Daylight is that thing that bleeds in through my drapes to ruin my sleep. #3rd shift life.

      • hayeksplosives

        You will enjoy the long summer days up there in the Great Lakes latitude. You’re paying for it now in winter.

        Do make sure to take vitamin D. Deficiency is pretty common if you don’t get enough sunlight. Seems to help with the ‘Vid too if you’re misfortunate enough to encounter it in the wild.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I sit in my garden, the spectrum gives off lots of D, and the light is not as depressing as the constant Grey around here,

  36. UnCivilServant

    @GT – Where did your copy of “Prince of the North Tower” leave off?

    • Gender Traitor

      The copy on my Nook ends at the point where the group has just traveled up the Grunstrom by barge and arrived at Freinmarkt. (The last note is numbered 61.) Don’t recall if you’d sent any more passages in the body of e-mails, so that’s probably the best place to pick up.

      I haven’t forgotten about more feedback to the latest story draft you sent, but last night after dinner I promptly fell asleep in front of Mysteries of the Abandoned and woke up in time to go to bed.

      Now I have to get ready to leave for work early. My employer usually holds a holiday breakfast for staff in January. This year, of course, we can’t assemble in person, so each location was instructed to order in breakfast for those working onsite, and WFHers are to buy themselves breakfast and turn in the expense for reimbursement. My boss, who’s going to be in a bad mood after TOSU’s football loss last night, was grumbling, “If we’re just ordering in, why does it have to be breakfast? Why can’t we just buy lunch?”

      • UnCivilServant

        There have to be emails then because I recall we discussed the description of the house in Stirnberg.

        And I’d argue lunch should be acceptable, but I’ve got no say in that.

      • Gender Traitor

        Found this at the end of an e-mailed passage:

        “I live in Stirnberg. I was in Farcairn to sell my services. Now I am
        > home.”
        >
        > “I see. Well, a good number of these gentlemen-” I gestured around the
        > room, “-do not have suitable armor to serve as a cavalry troop. I have
        > more time this time around, so I don’t expect it to cost nearly as much.”
        >
        > “I’m sure we can come to an agreeable arrangement,” Zeelan said,
        > interlacing his fingers in front of his gut.

      • Gender Traitor

        (Sorry – hope you don’t mind that I posted this publicly. Gotta go now.)

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s not a big spoiler.

        So, up to the end of Part 33.

  37. hayeksplosives

    Morning, early Glibs.

    Here’s an article in which the author seems genuinely puzzled about the failure of CA citizens, er subjects, to “voluntarily” sign up for an “anonymous” tracker database to help CA officials ID coronavirus cases.

    It’s almost as if people don’t trust tech companies or government. Nuts, I know!

    https://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2021/01/04/ca-notify-app-close-contacts-coronavirus-phone-notifications/

    The original headline was in fact that Californians “failed” to install the app.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m puzzled at why anyone would be puzzled.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        It does seem puzzling, now that you mention it,

    • Sean

      Mornin’

  38. Sean

    So what’s the deal with windshield wipers these days?

    I used to be able to make it through a 3 year lease with OEM, now I’m going to install my third set on my GTI in less than 3 years.

    “Get off my lawn!”

    • UnCivilServant

      They realized they could sell a pair annually and people would still buy them.

    • Festus

      Every winter. They used to be better.

    • CPRM

      Its Trump what did it.

    • hayeksplosives

      Your opening sentence sounds like the start of a stand up comedy bit.

      • Sean

        I may have been watching Seinfeld this past weekend.

      • UnCivilServant

        What’s the deal with comedians?

        I mean, shouldn’t they do comedy?

        …I forget how the schtick is supposed to sound.

  39. Festus

    Mornin’ Glibbies! Will that be hate speech in a week and a day?

    • UnCivilServant

      dropping the g from an ing.

      • Festus

        Teds’ went all Corporate and sold out to “The Man”?

      • Festus

        We have to make that one stick.

    • Sean

      *waves hi*

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Sup Festus! how’s the Sikh?

      • Festus

        Surly and dull. I miss yoga pants girl. At least she never parked equipment where I needed to go. Euphemism Alert!

    • Trigger Hippie

      Embrace the Marklar. Oh, sorry. Marklar the Marklar.

      • Festus

        Marklar…

  40. Sean

    GF’s sister suddenly wants to learn how to shoot.

    Strange times are upon us.

    • UnCivilServant

      Who is she expecting to have to shoot?

      • Sean

        Not entirely sure. As long as it’s not me, I don’t care.

        I’m still trying to build my post apocalyptic army, so recruits are always welcome*.

        * As long as they bring bacon and bourbon.

      • hayeksplosives

        Heaven help us if lefties start buying guns (to defend against roving gangs of Aryans) without having any prior experience with their proper handling and think they can learn from movies.

        Bunch of lefties holding their guns out sideways, finger inside the trigger guard. Dropping magazines to “unload” the gun w/o knowing how to ensure there’s not one chambered.

        It might be comical except for the collateral damage they’d cause.

      • Trigger Hippie

        “Look, I ROCK at Call of Duty. How hard can it really be?…Ah! Jimmy, are you okay?! OMG, OMG, OMG…”

      • Trigger Hippie

        Ha!

  41. Sean

    https://thehill.com/homenews/525631-biden-covid-19-adviser-floats-plan-to-pay-for-a-national-lock-down-for-four-to-six

    “When you look at the personal savings rate in this country, it’s now gone from about 8 percent to over 22 percent. We have a big pool of money out there that we could borrow. The historic low interest rates by the federal government, we could pay for a package right now to cover all of the wages, lost wages for individual workers, for our losses to small companies to medium sized companies, for city states, county governments. We could do all of that,” said Michael Osterholm during a live event this week with Yahoo News.

    Osterholm, the director of the Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota, said there are varying ideas in terms of public perception of “what a lockdown is all about.”

    “If we did that, then we could lock down for four to six weeks,” he said. “And if we did that, we could drive the numbers down, like they’ve done in Asia, like they did in New Zealand and Australia. And then, we could really watch ourselves, cruising into the vaccine availability in the first and second quarter of next year, and bringing back the economy long before that.”

    • Suthenboy

      “We have a big pool of money out there that we could borrow. ”

      he means steal
      someone scalp that sumbitch

      • hayeksplosives

        But…the Greater Good!

        It takes all of us. It is known.

        When the left says “We’re all in this together” they are talking to your wallet, not to you.

      • Timeloose

        “I’m sorry this is the people’s money.”

        “Do you want your grandma and kids to die?”

      • Sean

        the Greater Good!

        *leaps through the air whilst firing two guns at the same time*

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      How does personal savings rate equate to the pool of money the fed gov can borrow from? Is he talking about raiding 401Ks or something?

      • UnCivilServant

        They’re going to confiscate any cash at rest. Then institute a “wealth tax” on remaining assets.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Well that’s, uh, worse actually.

      • UnCivilServant

        Always assume the worst with these guys.

        Also, please report to organ harvesting for processing.

    • Trigger Hippie

      ‘we could pay for a package right now to cover all of the wages, lost wages for individual workers, for our losses to small companies to medium sized companies, for city states, county governments. We could do all of that,”’

      Of course by “we” he means your children and grandchildren. “We” spent all the tax money taken from us by many years ago.

      Stimulus checks? May as well be stealing milk money from a six year old.

    • Suthenboy

      “…something which cannot be measured…”

      sounds legit to me

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      I think the Black Israelites subscribe to that idea too, that melanin has essentially what amounts to supernatural powers. Gonna be a fun four years…

      • UnCivilServant

        At most it offers resistance to sunlight.

      • R C Dean

        Sounds like midichlorians.

  42. Festus

    Goddammit Corporate! Stop “helping” me! No, I don’t need your useless drone here walking about in a daze and I especially don’t want the sassy girl that spends her hours flirting with the old losers rather than doing her fucking job. She has her charms but come on, Man…

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Does she put out?