Nation’s College Deans Move Back With Their Parents

by | Jan 24, 2021 | Satire | 196 comments

HARVARD – “I never thought it would happen to me” said Joanna Gambolputty, Dean of Gender Studies at Harvard University. “My parents told me it’s time to get a real job and I already signed up to train as a diversity advisor. It’s not as prestigious, but I need to be practical.” Although the dean workforce has taken a hit, administrative staff have largely been spared the pinch. “The enrollment slump has forced our hand financially” said Colin Kantser, Harvard’s CFO. “It turns out that deans mainly go to lunch with other deans and wealthy donors. All that’s gone up in smoke since social-distancing started.”

Meanwhile, Harvard’s outreach department has struggled to convince prospective students that it is worth it to spend $200,000 for four years of Zoom classes. “We’ve offered students the chance to send life-size cardboard cut-outs of themselves to campus instead. The cut-outs have smart phones attached to the face and they are wheeled about by rejected Harvard applicants in exchange for 5 credit hours per semester and a budget meal plan” added Kantser.

Elsewhere, Ivy League fraternities have been adjusting to the new normal. “There’s no sugar-coating it: our ceremonies are a lot more impressive in person” said a Skull and Bones member who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, how can we pretend to be a super cool secret society when any moderately clever yahoo from 4chan can Zoom bomb us?” The member added that the Skull and Bones has recently added Captcha and two-factor verification to keep out would-be interlopers.

In contrast, host of Dirty Jobs Mike Rowe repeated his call to consider skilled trades rather than college. “The average US welder is 50 years old. There is an enormous demand for these and other truly essential workers. There is no modern society without electricians, plumbers, mechanics, carpenters, HVAC, and other tradesmen. Not everyone is cut out to be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, and it is a great tragedy for so many young people to waste years and rack up tons of debt for worthless degrees” said Rowe as he used a backhoe to dig up a malfunctioning septic tank.

“A wise man once said that opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work. It’s true. A lot of the really useful work is boring and dirty, but someone’s got to do it.” Rowe then inadvertently ripped the septic tank out of the ground and sprayed the camera crew and himself with raw sewage.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

196 Comments

  1. limey

    Oh man. There are some nuggets in there. I don’t just mean in that dislocated septic tank. Piercing the veil of truth with the machete of absurdity.

    • Don escaped Qanon

      in honor of Derp (I’m also an etymology addict)

      machete is derived from macho ~ hammer

      • limey

        Hammering the doornail of derision into the woodshed of whackadoodlery.

  2. DEG

    Nice

    • Fourscore

      Thanks Derp. We’re gonna fix that by making college free and cut the time in half. It’ll be Operation Free For All.

      • Rat on a train

        free and mandatory: K-16

  3. robc

    Because the thread went dead as I posted:

    I knew there was a possible downside to singing modified lyrics to 80s classics to my daughter. One day, she is going to discover that Europe didnt write ” The Final Rinse Down”. But, I didnt expect to hear my 5 year old spontaneously start singing, ” My girl likes to be silly all the time, silly all the time, silly all the ti-ime”.

    • limey

      You have your five year old wash your car? Nice.

      • robc

        Actually, that was discussed recently.

        But that was a bath song, not a xar washing song…fir now.

      • Ted S.

        Is “xar” the pronoun your automobile uses? :-p

  4. The Late P Brooks

    Her name is Aphrodite

    and she doesn’t wear a nightie</em.

  5. hayeksplosives

    Mike Rowe is great. If you’ve never watched him read his “letters from mother”, you should give it a go.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    If the refs start throwing flags for any goddam thing, I’ll find something else to watch.

    • Ted S.

      You should go back and watch the previous game, where they didn’t call PI for 59 minutes.

    • rhywun

      I dunno, is Tom Brady playing? You might want to change the channel.

  7. rhywun

    struggled to convince prospective students that it is worth it to spend $200,000 for four years of Zoom classes

    No kidding.

    This might be the long-expected bursting of the bubble.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Don’t we all wish.

    • juris imprudent

      Not to mention pretty much the end of the line for woke indoctrination. This timeline might not be so bad after all.

    • C. Anacreon

      $200K for four years at Harvard? Maybe if you get a partial scholarship. Full price for four years is now well over $300K.

      • slumbrew

        Only foreigners pay full boat there, as I understand it

  8. Sean

    @Westernsloper, no, beans and rice is not keto. At all.

    • westernsloper

      But, but……….complete protein! Fuck it I am eating it because it is really good and really cheap. I have lots of Birria stewed beef to mix with it. (I made that stuff again Suthen! love it)

      At my most fittestest (as an adult, I don’t count being 18 as an adult because at 18 you are indestructible) when I was mid 30’s all I ate was beans and rice. Ran at 5 am before work and lifted when I got home. Those were the days.

    • BakedPenguin

      But did it miss her?

      • BakedPenguin

        Oh… Western. Never mind.

  9. Don escaped Qanon

    I love watching the big uglies pull and get up field

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      That’s quite the euphemism.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        garsh, I really stepped in that one

    • Fourscore

      Mother-in-Law Football League

    • Don escaped Qanon

      skirt steak has been in the marinade for 30 hours: lime, garlic, jalapenos, cilantro

      will grill to rare; mac and cheese because it’s easy, not the perfect pairing

      • Sean

    • The Other Kevin

      I like the name.

  10. The Late P Brooks

    1 case = 24 cans

    Almost exactly one year after the first case of the coronavirus was detected in the United States, the country has now reached 25 million confirmed infections. As it has for months, the U.S. remains by far the most coronavirus-riddled country in the world.

    Data from Johns Hopkins University’s Coronavirus Resource Center showed the U.S. passing the tragic marker as of Sunday morning. The true number of cases, however, is likely far higher: Many people become infected but never get tested, so they aren’t reflected in the count.

    The U.S. has more than twice as many confirmed cases as the nation with the second highest count — India, a country with 10 million cases and a population that is four times larger.

    They think maybe some might.

    SCIENCE!

    • rhywun

      So we are more than eight times wickeder than India. That’s how science works, right?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        How prevalent do you think testing is in India?

      • Chafed

        At least 10 times less prevalent than the US.

    • The Other Kevin

      By my calculations that’s a 1.7% fatality rate.

    • Jerryskids

      When the CDC decides to change the standard for declaring a positive test a “case”, will they make the standard retroactive?

      Sorry, I’ve been drinking heavily and just now realized how silly that sounds. Never mind me and my stupid questions.

    • blackjack

      The fucking democrats burned down the whole world to gain back power. Every other nation only did what it did because we did it first. They brought in the military because they don’t trust the plebes, and then they didn’t trust the military either. Seems like when your whole plan is a big scam, you really can’t trust anyone. Now, they come right out of the gate pissing off the whole world, starting with Canada and Mexico, then the whole energy sector. If one were determined to appear as though they had cheated, they would have done exactly what the blue meanies did. Then, if one were determined to destroy the whole country, one couldn’t do a better job. All of the “science” is beyond suspect. We can never know what really happened here. The people keeping track are lying and
      the people who used to catch them lying are even bigger liars. Welcome to the ” information” age, with it’s ” information superhi
      ghway”! All we can be sure of, is that the pandemic has given the dems everything they could have dreamed of, and now, we’re fucked.

      • DenverJ

        +1000

      • Cannoli

        The “Net of a Million Lies”

      • Not an Economist

        There were more troops in DC for Joe Biden’s inauguration than in the Civil War to protect the Capital from the Conferacy.

      • Rat on a train

        The Confederacy didn’t have buffalo hats.

    • KromulentKristen

      So many meteors…

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Dammit

      I know of one twelve year old in my neighborhood. Pisses me off to no end when I hear about wailing teachers.

      The adults in this country have failed miserably.

      • Plinker762

        Teachers should be shamed with a “Heroes Don’t Hide” campaign

      • Chafed

        I like that.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        Yes.

        The results of the Covid overreaction on kids are nothing less than disastrous.

        None of them are okay right now. These politicians and lockdown supporters deserve public hanging.

        Every teacher who still refuses to work should be fired and blackballed from teaching ever again.

      • hayeksplosives

        Kids are suffering big time. 1 year is a significant fraction of their young lives, and they are being deprived of living normally at crucial, formative times.

        One of my colleagues has a kid who is a cross-country & track star. He looked to be on track for getting a scholarship for college. Now that he’s a senior and has not gotten to compete for a year, it’s far less certain.

        It’s tough to want to participate in the game of Life when the rules keep changing on the fly.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        I know several senior baseball players who’ve had the trajectory of their lives greatly altered because of sports closures.

      • SandMan

        Yes that sucks, and my grandson is in the same boat (runs cross country). He really had a string of bad luck, caught pneumonia in Fall of 2019 right before the state meet, then COVID hit in 2020. He’s lost a year of his life and he’s not getting it back.

    • Fourscore

      Just another of the foreseeable consequences. If it saves just one life…

      “What’s the use of having all this government power if we don’t use it?”

      It’s a tragedy that it takes this to make a known point. Truly sad, truly unnecessary. A special place in hell for some people

      • hayeksplosives

        I know a mom who was able to catch her 12 y.o. son looking up how to kill himself. She was able to get him to open up about how frustrated he was not being able to spend time with his peers, how he couldn’t see things getting better so why stick around for this existence, etc.

        She and her husband were lucky and able to intervene and get him help and support. But i know that’s not the case for everyone.

        Special place in Hell for these smug, posing bastards indeed.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        There are 3 types of lockdown supporters:

        1 – Those who have had no financial impact because they can sit their lazy asses on the couch and do 30% of the amount of a normal workload while sitting in sweatpants and browsing Facebook all day, with no affect on their pay.

        2 – Those who do not have children, and therefore are only minimally affected by extended school closures.

        3 – Those dumbasses who trust the narrative despite any negative externalities of policy. The true believers.

        And fuck every single one of them.

      • rhywun

        I wish I could be #1, except I actually do work all day. Sometimes I commute from my home office to my living room to Glib for a few minutes during a break between meetings but it’s rare.

        I am #2. I’m not gonna complain here, because not having kids kind of works for me, but… it also means I have to pick up a lot of slack from those coworkers who do.

      • C. Anacreon

        Our local paper’s headline today is “Distance Learning Might be Here to Stay,” with the story about the county school board unanimously voting to develop permanent Zoom options for students. These inhuman types really don’t care about the kids at all, just wanting to make it possible to meet their obligations in the cheapest way possible while keeping the teachers unions happy.

  11. westernsloper

    Good stuff Derp. One of your best!

  12. Aloysious

    “Sweet Lucy was a dancer,
    but no one wants to chance her,
    because she was a samurai”

    Why Deep Purple? I don’t know. It just popped in to my nugget.

    • blackjack

      Because they are a great band! However, all I need is

    • blackjack

      Great band! But all I need is Burn!

    • Chafed

      Are you a master of many tongues?

      • Aloysious

        I wouldn’t refer to myself as common, but I am a cunning linguist.

  13. KromulentKristen

    I LOLed Derp!

    Given how big the Gambolputty family is, you’d think they’d belong to that Quiverful church or something.

    • Tulip

      It’s the dirty little secret the Gambolputty family is hiding

      • KromulentKristen

        Awwwwwww damn!

  14. KromulentKristen

    I had no idea the SB is in Tampa this year. It would have been kind of cool to see an actual home team play in the SB in the Before Times, but with only 7500 donated tickets, it really doesn’t make a difference.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Speaking of sanctimonious preening

    What is wrong with Cobb County school leadership?

    National outrage is erupting over the refusal of the superintendent and two school board members to don masks during a moment of silence Thursday for Hendricks Elementary art teacher Patrick Key, who died of COVID-19 on Christmas.

    Not only did the trio ignore a plea from Cobb school counselor Jennifer Susko at the meeting to put on masks in honor of Key, whose obituary requested that, in lieu of flowers, people buy and wear masks, the leaders did so on a day when two other Cobb County School District employees died of the virus.

    ——-

    Susko’s request to the board Thursday evening was simple: “During the silence, I would like to ask all members of the board and the superintendent put on your masks as a tribute to this teacher who did everything you asked of him, even teaching through a pandemic.”

    Yet, Ragsdale, Chastain and Banks sat there unmoving and unresponsive, prompting Susko to say: “I would like the record to reflect that some of you did not wear a mask, the final request of a Cobb teacher who died. Your actions in these two minutes have spoken louder than words. We see where your priorities are. Please know that many of us reject your false gratitude for staff since we seem disposable to many of you.”

    Who gives a shit about the students? Those teachers were HEROES.

    *How old were they? What other health conditions did they exhibit?

    Yeah, I know the way out. Stop shoving.

    • rhywun

      I want off this ride, like yesterday,

    • Gustave Lytton

      I know what usually happens in a rational world when you publicly attempt to undermine and the embarrass your bosses.

      • grrizzly

        Like this guy.

  16. trshmnstr the terrible

    So, anybody else notice that everybody publicly switched from “equity” and “fairness” to “social justice” overnight?

    It’s all coordinated behind the scenes. No other way that a few dozen fortune 500 companies and the major sports entertainment properties all just happened to change the messaging within a couple days by co-winky-dink

    • Chafed

      I have not. Where are you seeing this?

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        It was painted in the end zone of the NFC game and has been in the NFL lexicon for roughly a month. My employer switched language within a couple days of the NFL, as did many of our F500 competitors.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Teachers should be shamed with a “Heroes Don’t Hide” campaign

    Me likee. If I were a real eccentric billionaire, I’d put that on billboards.

    • Fourscore

      Unless you’re SGM Walz, future MN governor, when your unit is going off to the ME. Then it’s OK to hide

      • Fourscore

        …and Dick Cheney, George Bush, Bill Clinton and Donnie Trump and Joe Biden…’Course they had better things to do…

  18. mikey

    “It turns out that deans mainly go to lunch with other deans and wealthy donors. All that’s gone up in smoke since social-distancing started.”
    The sarcasm line. Narrow it is.

    You keep getting better Derpy.

    • rhywun

      The end of an era ?

      • hayeksplosives

        I want a Diet Coke easy button too!!!

    • J. Frank Parnell

      Obviously Hunter stole it when he heard it was a coke button.

  19. Chafed

    How is that not a forward lateral?

    • Dr. Chipping Pioneer

      Behind the line of scrimmage. Still good.

      • Chafed

        I didn’t know that was permitted. Thanks.

      • Festus

        Correct.

  20. Ownbestenemy

    Pork tenerloin roulade with hot italian sausage, apple, onion and garlic wrapped with prosciutto. Side of rice and arugula salad.

    Kings are winning going into 2nd period. Wife is doing some driving training with teen #2.

    Not a bad Sunday

  21. Dr. Chipping Pioneer

    The players wearing masks on the sidelines. So virtue. Much signal.

    • hayeksplosives

      It’s not like they have a choice. They wear them the same reason I wear one at work.

      To keep my job.

      • Mojeaux

        You beat me to it.

      • KromulentKristen

        What a game, eh?

      • Mojeaux

        You know it!

        KCMO mayor says no parade if we win the Superbowl.

        Because the ‘vid know to stay away from rioters but not parade-goers.

      • Dr. Chipping Pioneer

        Not necessarily blaming the players and coaches.

    • slumbrew

      TBF, not their choice.

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      The virtue signaling is painted into the actual sidelines this time.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    How is that not a forward lateral?

    Behind the line of scrimmage.

  23. Mojeaux

    The Browns were better than we thought. The Bills aren’t as good as we thought. The Chiefs finally got off their lazy, sloppy asses.

    • hayeksplosives

      Browns and Bills will be back in the playoffs next year. Good for them, their fans, and the sport.

      • Dr. Chipping Pioneer

        Too bad they don’t play in the same division, really.

    • Dr. Chipping Pioneer

      As a Broncos fan, it pains me to cheer for the Kansas City Football Team. But, they have the better chance to beat the team on which Tom Brady plays.

      • rhywun

        Right there with you. I knew my Bills had no chance here and I want The Tom Brady Football Team to lose.

        Go… Chiefs!?

    • Not an Economist

      You never when at football by kicking field goals when the other team is scoring touchdown.

      Personally, I think the Chiefs decided to take the Bills seriously.

      • Mojeaux

        Yes, I agree.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        yeah

        but it’s unseemly to lose early trying to win; it’s socially acceptable to lose later; logic be damned

        sports logic (game theory . . . remember game theory?) and sports language both predicted the decay in discourse in wider American media twenty years ago when idiots starting talking about games having “momentum”

        we are doomed

      • Don escaped Qanon

        They won’t shut up. You get a blah blah and then . . .

        and then you still lose because 17 points in four minutes will not happen

        no matter how much you get paid to talk up a game that is over

        we are doomed

    • KromulentKristen

      Daaaaaaannnnnggggg…go Mo!

    • slumbrew

      BTW, Mo – thanks for the DFZ book recommendation. I just devoured all three in the last week. I really enjoyed them.

      • Mojeaux

        Oh so glad! Yeah, I really like that author’s voice.

      • slumbrew

        I thought it was really well done – great world-building, the characters were very well fleshed out.

        I want to party with The Great Yong.

  24. hayeksplosives

    Bruce Arians and Andy Reid should eff with the reporters in the Superbowl week press appearances by switching places and team gear. With the masks, who would know?

  25. rhywun

    Football needs more brawling.

    • Don escaped Qanon

      offsetting sucks

      hang somebody

      • Don escaped Qanon

        I would accept that they skate four on four for the rest of the tilt

    • hayeksplosives

      Ask and ye shall receive.

  26. hayeksplosives

    The salary cap for next season is determined largely by league revenue.

    How did this bizarro season affect league revenue, I wonder?

    • Mason

      I read that pre-pandemic salary cap was expected to be around $210M, but now it’s expected to be around $175M.

  27. Derpetologist

    I will add that Mike Rowe’s first goal was to be an opera singer, then he broadened it to making a living with his voice. His big break came when he got hired as a QVC host. All those gals buying wrinkle cream and cubic zirconia jewelry loved his voice and face.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rChjMRfi40c

    • Festus

      What middle-aged hausfrau wouldn’t want to snort Prozac out of Mike’s chiseled chin dimple? Hell, I’m about as straight as can be but curiosity killed the cat.

  28. DenverJ

    Well, the van is cleaned out. Tools all moved to storage. Need to sell it now, but it just seems a drag to sell for scrap. Engine and tranny still good, but frame is rusted through. Need a new vehicle to store my tools (and get to work).
    I’m not sure if the storage unit is worth it. My power rooms don’t take up that much room, it’s all the other crap. For instance, I found 4 different miter saws and 3 miter boxes. I have enough tool belts to outfit 4 or 5 people. I found roughly 10 rolls of drywall tape, and I do drywall work like, maybe once a year. 4 rolls of duct tape. 3 sets of sink drain kits. Etc. And how many textures stomp brushes does one man need?

    • Don escaped Qanon

      I’ve got a 2003 C1500HD that I need to replace. It’s got a huge engine and tranny that has seldom been taxed, but I want to get out of it when I can still get several thousand bucks to put towards something else and let someone else guess on what day some BS breakage renders the whole beast not worth it.

      • DenverJ

        A Tahoe? How many miles?

      • DenverJ

        Oh that’s the Silverado. Even better. Does it have a topper?

      • Don escaped Qanon

        6.0L and the beast tranny and all the towing goodies and a commercial chassis; I probably do hard towing less than 2,000 miles a year. . . . maybe 165k . . I never look at that . . . 4500 hours

        Some lawn crew around here will lug those flimsy job trailers with it probably: they love the crew cab.

      • PudPaisley

        For the last 15 years, all my lawn care trucks are 94-99 GMC or Chevy 3/4 ton 2WD reg cab trucks with 5.7L engine because they are so much better on gas than the 6.0. And you can get decent ones with lowish miles (under 150k). Never paid more than $3,500 for one. I just make sure the engine and tranny are solid with little frame rust, then spend a grand or two to have my mechanic run through everything on them so I have a solid long term truck that is DOT compliant. Other small cosmetic stuff doesn’t bother me, since the crews are gonna beat them up anyway.

        I have a 1 ton dump truck with the 6.0 that just eats gas, especially when hauling loads in the hilly areas around me. You can watch the gas gauge move hauling a load up some of the steep hills. I bought a 1 ton dump with a 12′ box this year that has the 6.6 Duramax diesel and Allison transmission. I love it. The 6.0 still has a lot of life, but when it goes it’ll get replaced with a diesel.

      • DenverJ

        Yeah, I don’t wanna buy a 6 ltr. Buy a diesel at that size.

    • DenverJ

      *Power tools

  29. Derpetologist

    satire ideas

    Budweiser to Rebrand as Drag Queen of Beers for LGBT Pride Month

    Child in Horror Movie Makes Normal Drawing

    NRA Prophet Says Ammo Shortage Will End If Enough People Join in Special Dance

    • straffinrun

      Pretty sure you could do something with Twinkies and Ding Dongs.

    • straffinrun

      Were you the one that called UFC staged? If so, you may be right regarding the Connor fight Saturday. The whole thing looked hinky.

      • pistoffnick

        Yes. I’m telling you, it’s creeping up to WWF territory.

        I haven’t seen the latest fight, yet.

      • straffinrun

        The fights in Pride here turned out to be rigged, so why not UFC?

    • rhywun

      Seriously.

  30. straffinrun

    Good stuff, Derp. How has no one said “I can’t tell if this is satire!”? Y’all slippin’.

    • Derpetologist

      I can’t believe “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” was the best idea they had.

      ***
      In February 2017, Unilever rebranded the product as “I Can’t Believe It’s So Good… For Everything!” in the UK. The stated objective was to increase awareness of the product’s versatility. The rebrand was greeted with puzzlement and some derision by many media commentators.[14] Subsequently, the branding was simplified to “I Can’t Believe It’s So Good…”. The brand was returned to its original form in November 2019.[15]
      ***

      In the UK, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were called Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, because the word ninja was feared to cause Clockwork Orange type behavior.

      • straffinrun

        F to M tranny spread: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Nutter!

      • Derpetologist

        actual slogan seen on billboards: Nut Milk is Not Milk

        Breaking News: The Cake- Is it a lie? Film at 11.

        The rejoinder? Dairy is Scary.

  31. Rothbardsbitch

    r/libertarian is gushing in support of a new domestic terrorism bill. Tulsi Gabbard came out against the bill and they are calling her a traitor and defending antifa. Someone please correct the timeline. What in the fuck is going on?

    • rhywun

      I… have no idea.

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      The r in front is a trigger warning that you’ve entered the derplight zone

    • Don escaped Qanon

      Individuals behave individually.

      Without regard to what teams they might appear to support, all one can do is judge an individual’s behavior. It is impossible to do anything useful with PersonL on NetworkL posited NotionZ; what would be insane is to then characterize TeamL because of what PersonL said.

      Various persons espousing various notions on libertarian websites because they fantasize about being far-right dictators who make everyone go to church and eat their vegetables is not remotely novel.

    • one true athena

      Didn’t reddit ban everyone to the right of STalin already? That’s what you’re left with I guess.

      • Mojeaux

        They also banned de-transitioners, TERFs, and radfems who don’t tow the transparty lion.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Morons. That’s what’s going on. Morons. Millions of them. As far as the eye can see.

  32. straffinrun

    Nice pic they chose to put on the woman’s car for this train.

    https://ibb.co/xX4McvV

  33. Spudalicious

    I like Mike Rowe. A voice of reason.

  34. Derpetologist

    Pepperidge Farms remembers…

    ***
    Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s top infectious disease expert, says he doesn’t regret advising Americans against wearing masks early on in the COVID-19 pandemic.
    In an interview with CBS Evening News anchor Norah O’Donnell published in InStyle, Fauci defended his credibility and decision-making in response to recent attempts from the White House to undermine him.

    “I don’t regret anything I said then because in the context of the time in which I said it, it was correct. We were told in our task force meetings that we have a serious problem with the lack of PPEs,” he said.

    Dr. Anthony Fauci says he doesn’t regret joining other Trump administration public health experts in advising Americans against buying masks early on in the COVID-19 pandemic.

    In an interview with CBS Evening News anchor and 60 Minutes correspondent Norah O’Donnell published in InStyle magazine, Fauci, the nation’s top infectious disease expert, defended his credibility amid a steady stream of attacks on his expertise and trustworthiness from the White House.

    In late February and early March as the COVID-19 outbreak began accelerating in the US, hospitals and health facilities experienced severe shortages of personal protective equipment for healthcare workers. In response, experts like Fauci and the US Surgeon General Jerome Adams advised Americans against wearing masks.

    “I don’t regret anything I said then because in the context of the time in which I said it, it was correct. We were told in our task force meetings that we have a serious problem with the lack of PPEs and masks for the health providers who are putting themselves in harm’s way every day to take care of sick people,” Fauci told O’Donnell.

    “When it became clear that the infection could be spread by asymptomatic carriers who don’t know they’re infected, that made it very clear that we had to strongly recommend masks,” he said.

    “And also, it soon became clear that we had enough protective equipment and that cloth masks and homemade masks were as good as masks that you would buy from surgical supply stores,” Fauci added. “So in the context of when we were not strongly recommending it, it was the correct thing.”

    On Sunday, The Washington Post and The New York Times reported that the White House was actively trying to undermine Fauci’s messaging by restricting his media appearances on television and circulating an opposition-research-style document laying out various “mistakes” they said Fauci made at the beginning of the pandemic.

    The Post reported that the “mistakes” the White House accused Fauci of included downplaying the possibility of asymptomatic spread. In response, however, Fauci has said that he and other experts were operating based on the very limited information about the nature of the disease and the fast-moving trajectory of the outbreak in the US, saying, “our knowledge changed and our realization of the state of the outbreak changed.
    ***

    • slumbrew

      “I don’t regret anything I said then because in the context of the time in which I said it, it was correct

      It wasn’t “correct” – it was a lie, an intentionally false statement, told for what he thought were good reasons. Doesn’t make it any less of a lie.

      Falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus

      God help me, I agree with Meghan McCain:

      Just say to me, ‘first responders need it more than average Americans, please donate them from the good of your heart.’ I would have [still given away the masks I had], but I was lied to.

      • mrfamous

        It wasn’t a lie it was the truth. The lying came later when he said they were super duper important. We know that’s how he feels, because he’s been caught at least a dozen times taking the thing off when he believes the cameras won’t be on him.

        He knows they don’t work and he persists anyway.

    • KSuellington

      Magic virus stopping cloth.

      The new dark ages.

    • Not an Economist

      I found this an interesting read on Fauci. Basically, none of the projects he lead worked,, but since he was good at being a bureaucrat, he kept getting promoted.

  35. DenverJ

    And also, it soon became clear that we had enough protective equipment and that cloth masks and homemade masks were as good as masks that you would buy from surgical supply stores,” Fauci added.That is… I don’t know what. But, I seem to feeling anger, I know that.

    • Plinker762

      What a piece of shit. Of course, right on the box of surgical masks is the statement “does not work for coronavirus protection” so he isn’t completely wrong.

      • DenverJ

        Totems.

  36. J. Frank Parnell

    Crap, one of my uncles has the vid. Cousins are concerned because he’s stubborn af and probably won’t slow down and get as much rest as he should.

    • slumbrew

      Sorry to hear it.

      If it helps – my overweight, 50 year old cousin who has had a double bypass got the vid – “it was horrible, but I’m doing OK now”.

      Regardless, hope that works out w/ your uncle.

    • dbleagle

      One plastic garbage bag over the entire head and secured to the neck with both rubber bands and tightly wrapped duct tape is even more efficient at keeping your COVID in and others COVID out. Try it if you are concerned.

      I am not concerned so I’ll watch your lips and face turn blue.

  37. DenverJ

    I like to pretend to be a student of history, but I’ve really read only a few contemporary Roman works. I seem to recall a similar… refusal to accept reality? I don’t know. I think our nation is in serious trouble.

    • dbleagle

      The works of the stoics have helped me since I first read them as an undergrad. But the years of compounded and willful stupidity were dialed to 11 in 2020 and that tested me something fierce. Multiple combat tours had incidents of stupidity but your observation about the refusal to “accept reality” were really keyed up. I have grandkids so I hope the collapse of western civilization can wait a couple of decades, but I just don’t know.

      • hayeksplosives

        I am enjoying the Paul Cooper series on the Fall of Civilizations (on YouTube).

        But it’s difficult not to draw certain parallels to our present situation, particularly in the introduction where he comments that he wonders what it was like to be a part of a civilization as it crumbled.

        Sobering stuff.

        We’re headed for either a collapse or a major course correction.

        Both options will bring some pain and loss. I’d rather tread the course correction path, with hope that a Phoenix will rise from the ashes.

  38. Sean

    Everything is still stupid.

    Mondays suck.

    I’m just gonna be cranky today.

    • Sean

      ?

    • hayeksplosives

      “We need to assume now that what has been circulating dominantly in the U.K. does have a certain increase in what we call virulence, namely the power of the virus to cause more
      damage, including death,” Dr. Anthony Fauci said.

      No, we don’t, you sadistic bag of bones..

      Get bent.

  39. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Mornin’

    Some reprinted commentary for your Monday:

    “545 vs. 300,000,000 People
    -By Charlie Reese

    Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them. Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

    Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

    You and I don’t propose a federal budget. The President does.

    You and I don’t have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.

    You and I don’t write the tax code, Congress does.

    You and I don’t set fiscal policy, Congress does.

    You and I don’t control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

    One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one President, and nine Supreme Court justices equates to 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

    I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

    I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a President to do one cotton-picking thing. I don’t care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator’s responsibility to determine how he votes.

    Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

    What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits.. ( The President can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.)

    The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House?( John Boehner. He is the leader of the majority party in the House. He and fellow House members, not the President, can approve any budget they want. ) If the President vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to. [The [Republican]House has passed a budget but the [Democrat held] Senate has not approved a budget in over three years. The President’s proposed budgets have gotten almost unanimous rejections in the Senate in that time. ]

    It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million cannot replace 545 people who stand convicted — by present facts — of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can’t think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.
    here
    If the tax code is unfair, it’s because they want it unfair.

    If the budget is in the red, it’s because they want it in the red.

    If the Army & Marines are in Iraq and Afghanistan it’s because they want them in Iraq and Afghanistan ..

    If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it’s because they want it that way.

    There are no insoluble government problems.

    Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power.
    Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like “the economy,” “inflation,” or “politics” that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

    Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible. They, and they alone, have the power.

    They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses. Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees… We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

    Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.

    Be sure to read all the way to the end:

    Tax his land,
    Tax his bed,
    Tax the table,
    At which he’s fed.

    Tax his tractor,
    Tax his mule,
    Teach him taxes
    Are the rule.

    Tax his work,
    Tax his pay,
    He works for
    peanuts anyway!

    Tax his cow,
    Tax his goat,
    Tax his pants,
    Tax his coat.

    Tax his ties,
    Tax his shirt,
    Tax his work,
    Tax his dirt.

    Tax his tobacco,
    Tax his drink,
    Tax him if he
    Tries to think.

    Tax his cigars,
    Tax his beers,
    If he cries
    Tax his tears.

    Tax his car,
    Tax his gas,
    Find other ways
    To tax his ass.

    Tax all he has
    Then let him know
    That you won’t be done
    Till he has no dough.

    When he screams and hollers;
    Then tax him some more,
    Tax him till
    He’s good and sore.

    Then tax his coffin,
    Tax his grave,
    Tax the sod in
    Which he’s laid…

    Put these words
    Upon his tomb,
    ‘Taxes drove me
    to my doom…’

    When he’s gone,
    Do not relax,
    Its time to apply
    The inheritance tax.
    Accounts Receivable Tax
    Building Permit Tax
    CDL license Tax
    Cigarette Tax
    Corporate Income Tax
    Dog License Tax
    Excise Taxes
    Federal Income Tax
    Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
    Fishing License Tax
    Food License Tax
    Fuel Permit Tax
    Gasoline Tax (currently 44.75 cents per gallon)
    Gross Receipts Tax
    Hunting License Tax
    Inheritance Tax
    Inventory Tax
    IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
    Liquor Tax
    Luxury Taxes
    Marriage License Tax
    Medicare Tax
    Personal Property Tax
    Property Tax
    Real Estate Tax
    Service Charge Tax
    Social Security Tax
    Road Usage Tax
    Recreational Vehicle Tax
    Sales Tax
    School Tax
    State Income Tax
    State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
    Telephone Federal Excise Tax
    Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
    Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
    Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
    Telephone Recurring and Nonrecurring Charges Tax
    Telephone State and Local Tax
    Telephone Usage Charge Tax
    Utility Taxes
    Vehicle License Registration Tax
    Vehicle Sales Tax
    Watercraft Registration Tax
    Well Permit Tax
    Workers Compensation Tax

    Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

    • robc

      We had a national debt 100 years ago.

      The last time we had a negligible debt (we have never not had one) is during the Jackson administration.

      • robc

        On 1/1/1835 the debt was down to $33,733.05. Effectively zero, even considering relative value of the $. A year later it was still about the same $3,7513.05. The next year it was over $300k, in 1838, over $3MM, and in 1839 it went back above $10MM.

        In 1816, it had “peaked” at $127MM, so it only took 19 years to pay that off.

        Going into the civil war, it was about $60MM, it was over $2B after the war.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Ok fancypants, with all your “facts.”

        You sound like a white supremacist.

      • robc

        Well, I did say something good about Jackson.

      • l0b0t

        Hell, (IIRC) the last time FedGov operated under a balanced budget (yearly income equal to or greater than yearly outlays) was FY1957 under Eisenhower.

      • Festus

        I Like Ike!

    • Gender Traitor

      “research-based.”

      Do they have a computer model?

    • hayeksplosives

      Why do the big L Libertarian party and the guys at Reason dot com skew so far left?

      Social acceptance & cocktail parties? Fear of retaliation by the hard left that is consolidating payer and silencing its opponents?

      Or do they really buy what they’re selling to us at large?

      Perhaps Reason and the big L party should be hiring some non-urban individuals to represent a pro-freedom perspective from outside the rarified air of city-dwelling pseudo elites.

      • Festus

        They are not serious people and are playing to the odds. I for one question their commitment to Sparkle Glitter…

      • Festus

        I’m sorry, the correct reference was “Sparkle Motion” “Sparkle Motion”…

      • creech

        Answer: they don’t.

  40. robc

    GME is over $90 in pre-market trading. It closed Friday at $65, which was up $21 from Thursday. Which was already due to a rally. Looks like consensus analyst valuation is $11 per share.

    It seems it is mostly due to a group of redditors causing an options squeeze on Friday (100% of calls finished in-the-money) and a short squeeze this week.

    It is going to crash and fail spectacularly sometime soon. But apparently some hedge funds are getting nuked in the process.

    • UnCivilServant

      What’s that symbol and why are you bringing it up?

      • robc

        Gamestop. And it is an amusing story.

      • UnCivilServant

        They’re still in business?

      • robc

        Exactly.

      • Sean

        My podunk town had TWO until recently. Now we’re down to just one. Another covid victim.

    • hayeksplosives

      GameStop Corp?

  41. Festus

    Why oh why did I just watch that video about Hayden? That’s just all sorts of fucked up. Makes me worrisome about my Grandkids, some of whom are in that danger zone, age-wise. Fuck this world. Mornin’ Glibs.

  42. AlexinCT

    People must be starting to realize that the amount of money one pays to get credentialed by one of them Ivy League shitholes by now is not worth the ROI? I am hoping the Kung Flu does irreparable damage to the woke schools. Does that make me bad?