About The Author

CPRM

CPRM

Organic troll farmer.

282 Comments

  1. blackjack

    Whoever desperately wanted to be first but failed better concede!

    • blackjack

      Hoping for a peaceful transfer of power here. That’s why I’ve surrounded myself with the army.

      • Count Potato

        Yeah, what happened to the 51 violent seditious insurrections that were supposed to happen today?

      • Bobarian LMD

        They got the date wrong?

      • blackjack

        Insurgenting ain’t easy!

      • Not Adahn

        stupid magats can’t read a calendar.

      • one true athena

        Did anyone see anything promoting such a thing in the last month? The only thing I saw was that one commie-looking poster and then the FBI claiming there were going to be protests at all the state capitals.

        Either the FBI made it all up (trying to bait it into happening?), or they were trolled by someone making it all up, because it really doesn’t seem to have ever been an actual thing.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Go with that second thought. It was a controlled psyop probably, thinking they can draw people out and make an example. /I borrowed Westerns pushpins and strings.

      • westernsloper

        Andy Ngo posted some supposed Antifa posters calling for whatever on twitter, but I don’t really hang on militia sites and I quit FB months ago because fuck FB so I can say I only heard if from the FBI.

      • Heroic Mulatto

        This is the same moral panic as everyone thinking someone was going to shoot up theaters premiering the Joker movie.

      • Gustave Lytton

        You mean besides the antifa ones?

      • Count Potato

        Those are pretty much a nightly occurrence.

      • rhywun

        Let’s tune in to CNN or MSNBC – I’m sure they’re totally talking about that.

      • creech

        what happened to the 51 violent seditious insurrections

        They were all waiting in long lines to purchase ammo?

    • Brochettaward

      I never concede and there will be no peaceful transition. Unlike Trump, I don’t bitch out.

  2. KromulentKristen

    I’m skeert

    • Hyperion

      Get out of VA.

      • KromulentKristen

        The H&H will follow me no matter where I try to hide

      • Hyperion

        If it’s only the H&H following you, I’m pretty sure you’ll be OK. And Glibs are always there to try to protect you. Get out of VA.

      • KromulentKristen

        Approx 1 year. Closing is May 2022, but I hope to be out a few months ahead of that.

      • Hyperion

        Yay! Where you going?

        I’m looking to be out by June 2021. Wife and I not agreeing on things. I want acreage and she wants the nice ready to move in home. This is going to be a problem. I’m thinking about buying something cheaper, like a townhome and be able to move in now, so we can fight it out after.

      • KromulentKristen

        Tenement on Wheels™, ideally. I’d set up domicile in SD, get a mail forwarding service, and follow the coldest weather I can find around the country. Use campground wifi or mobile hotspot or satellite for work.

        The hard part will be negotiating with my job. But the longer this bullshit goes on, the better chance I have.

      • DEG

        Kristen, your plan sounds like a good one for you. Hopefully it works out!

      • Hyperion

        That thing is awesome. Even if you only want to stay mobile, you can just surf RV communities and stay connected. Or if you want to homestead, like me, you just plug into the grid and don’t worry if your land’s current home is shit or non-existent.

        Good idea.

      • KromulentKristen

        I’m going to have my Pa make a pyrography sign for over the door that says “Tenement on Wheels”, with a silhouette of Randy Quaid emptying his shitter into the storm drain.

      • db

        License plate:

        CHTRS FL

      • Aus

        good luck!! I’m selling my home in Columbus OH, closing date is next week!!!! Crossing my fingers and praying to kek that all goes smoothly!

        Escaped to the ‘burbs for now, hello to my fellow Hilliard OH glibs! (I think there’s at least one of them!)

      • KromulentKristen

        Wwoot!

    • C. Anacreon

      I’m skeert

      Here’s my beard

      Ain’t it weird?

      Don’t be skeert,

      It’s just my beard.

      /George Carlin RIP

      • Hyperion

        Your Hippy Dippy Weatherman.

  3. Count Potato

    *APPLAUSE*

    • Bobarian LMD

      Without clicking… Smoke on the Water?

      • Don escaped Qanon

        pssst!

        * points to No Stairway sign *

    • blackjack

      That’s obviously a few better song to learn on kazoo.

      • Hyperion

        Yeah, it took me a couple minutes to realize there’s guitar in that one.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Half way thru before anything happens,

      • Count Potato

        Crosstown Traffic?

      • blackjack

        *FAR not few. Damn autocorrect.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Try the entire Trout Mask Replica album on a xylophone. It can’t be done.

      • C. Anacreon

        That album literally led to my college choice in 1978. I visited this one small midwestern university and the student giving me the tour was from the Music School. He introduced me to a couple of his classmates and I ended up hanging in their apartment that evening. They had incredible hash and we were laughing already, but it got hysterical when they dragged out Trout Mask Replica. I was laughing nonstop with tears rolling down my cheeks.

        I returned home the next day thinking my decision was made, and I was going to have the most amazing next four years imaginable. Sadly, that one evening was so much better than any time subsequently when I actually was enrolled there.

        So I guess I have Captain Beefheart to thank for that.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Oddly, that entire story, even the dissatisfaction, warmed my heart. Thanks for that.

        My first listen involved acid, naturally. It warped me so much that the next trip involved watching hours of Slayer videos…I laughed so hard my face hurt days afterward.

    • Hyperion

      How can you not learn a song on guitar? There’s tablature and Youtube. That one doesn’t sound hard.

      • C. Anacreon

        Maybe someday you can make it to the level of Guitarzan

      • J. Frank Parnell

        Yeah, just pick the strings with one hand and press the strings to the fretboard with the fingers on the other hand. Sheesh.

  4. Not Adahn

    Lol.

  5. westernsloper

    No Idea how many hours you watched drivel to get all that, but HATS off CP. “Royal Order of the Water Buffalo!”…….*spits drink

    LOL

    • Don escaped Qanon
    • DEG

      “Royal Order of the Water Buffalo!”

      I liked that too.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Me too!

  6. Hyperion

    Where’s Space Hat?

    • Not Adahn

      On Donald’s head.

      • Hyperion

        Ohhh, at the end! Yay!

      • Bobarian LMD

        See when Qanon talks about the military uprising and seating OMB, they’re really talking about Trumps military… SPACE FORCE!

        Satellites are aligning now!

        Hide under your desk or the the ‘Rods from God’ will get you.

      • Viking1865

        That was how the book Net Assets ended.

      • dbleagle

        “The Moon is a Harsh Mistress” used the same basic weapon, but from the Moon.

  7. DEG

    I never noticed the sweat stains on Trump’s armpits until now.

    • one true athena

      omg! I never did either.

      Nicely done!

      … er, the whole thing, not just the stains

  8. Don escaped Qanon

    It’s not t0o late! Q told me there’s a secret Green Beret team gathering to arrest usurper Biden and rightfully re-install Trump, so don’t worry: the true landslide will the respected, it will win out, God is on Trump’s side and every true American supports him…..how can 70 million be wrong!? Biden and his evil team and the many evil Republican governors and secretaries of state and that retched swamp-critter McConnell, well, they are not sending their best . . . it would be a Total Disaster if twitter were to let him win. Do your part now; Mexico is not going to pay for this this time: send whatever you can (we’ve only got $600 million in the Ivanka and Jared Fund so far) to StableGenius@GoFundMe.com.

    God bless America, God bless our military, and God bless Donald and Melania Trump …………. ITS NOT TOO LASAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEEE!!!!!!!!11!11!

    • Hyperion

      You been reading on Parler?

      • Don escaped Qanon

        I’m going to miss all the pop nonsense.

        Now Republicans can go back to a principled opposition. The silence where the turboslurping of OMB was is going to be nice. I think I’ll brew some tea.

      • westernsloper

        Principled opposition……..good one. I have two choices for drive work radio here in the AM until I figure out another. My choices are NPR Morning Edition or Hugh Hewitt (establishment Repub voice of unity). Both of them suck Bidens cock because in spite of Hewitt often proclaiming his ultra devout religious legit credentials his, and NPR’s religion is the state, government and bureaucracy +bestest top men who can rule over the rubes. Is that the principled opposition you speak of?

      • Viking1865

        The controlled opposition is more like it. Gracious concession speeches. The Republican Party is led by Democrats.

      • Trigger Hippie

        ‘The silence where the turboslurping of OMB was is going to be nice.’

        If you think people are going to stop talking about Trump anytime within the next three to six months either here or anywhere else in the MediaSphere just because he’s officially out of office then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell ya.

        Just sayin’. 😉

      • Bobarian LMD

        CNN is gonna go out of business if they can’t screech about the Orange Man every minute.

      • Hyperion

        They’re gong to switch up and screech bout anyone who supported him. Nazi Germany redux.

      • kbolino

        The Democrats pretty explicitly want to split the Republican Party in half (the “secessionists” vs. the loyalists). They stand a good chance at succeeding. I think the GOP will be too busy purging its own ranks to bother with anything like opposition, never mind principled opposition.

    • Ownbestenemy

      And that is why I love you Don…in a completely internet type of love too.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        I stole all this from my cousins

    • Aus

      SUPER CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS TO BE RELEASED ANY MINUTE!!!!

    • J. Frank Parnell

      re-install Trump

      lol they don’t need to reinstall him, Trump was secretly sworn in in secret today at a secret location, the Biden inauguration was fake and he’s not really president, but now that they think they’ve won and they’re safe they’re going to let their guard down and accidentally confess to everything and Trump’s going to swoop in and take them all down JUST YOU WATCH

  9. pistoffnick

    It’s all beer and skittles from here on out, people. Our national nightmare is over. Democracy has won! The changing of the president means there will be a unicorn in every pot and free puppies for everyone – that is what I read in the newspapers propaganda rags.

    *meet the new boss, same as the old boss*

    See you in the camps.

    • westernsloper

      I heard a story on NPR this morning where the explained the young woman who got shot in the throat through a closed door by a police officer at the capitol a few weeks ago was a domestic terrorist. It took them longer than that one sentence I typed to explain it, but that was my take. I turned it off. This is propaganda is new territory.

      • pistoffnick

        I can’t listen to NPR anymore. It raises my blood pressure.

    • Rat on a train

      I hope the camps aren’t as poorly located as most army bases.

  10. Hyperion

    I have a feeling Hat and Hair is going to get a lot better.

    What will it be called?

    • pistoffnick

      Grandpa Grapenuts and the Puddin’ Cups?

      • blackjack

        Kiddie hair and the pony faced cornpop stomper?

      • C. Anacreon

        Sonny and Cher?

      • Bobarian LMD

        I always liked TO&D

    • Ownbestenemy

      Plugs and Pumps….I think we need the alliteration to continue.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        I wanna talking Corvette or a snarky pair of Raybans

      • Ownbestenemy

        As long as the theme song is ripped from the late 70s or 80s…I’d watch it.

      • DrOtto

        This sounds like a job for Mike Post.

    • Trigger Hippie

      *thinks of Biden’s fondness for sniffing young girls*

      The Hair and the Hymen?

    • Trigger Hippie

      You know what? Let’s stay consistent with his current state of mind. Just call it Being There.

  11. Not Adahn

    FYI, you just showed up in my recommendations for the first time. The Diet Coke commercial.

  12. commodious spittoon

    How soon will we be at foreverwar in another country, do you suppose? Within the year?

    • Don escaped Qanon

      The anti-war blather was one of Trump’s high points. He was kinda consistent and even Eisenhowerisch with his fiscal approach to military alliances.

      The shame is that bore little fruit. We need bases closed, programs cancelled, budgets stripped, troops repatriated. Talk needs to turn into accomplishment.

      • Viking1865

        It’s almost like there is some sort of secret cabal of people in the federal government that continuously suborned, subverted, and even outright defied the legal orders of the POTUS because they thought they knew better.

        Someone should come up with a catchy descriptor for them.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Except they weren’t secret. They were pretty blatant and open about how “that wasn’t the right thing to do and if we just stuck with it a little longer…”

      • Bobarian LMD

        Click too soon…

        The left used to blather on about ‘no blood for oil’, but I guess they’re just fine with ‘Blood for the Blood God!’

      • Viking1865

        Yeah I think my biggest actual philosophy shift in the last four years is on war.

        I used to be more of the Old Right camp on war, I thought it was stupid to waste our blood and treasure in foreign conflicts, but I was always more skeptical about the idea that there were high ranking generals, policy makers, politicians, academics, and media people who were just openly and clearly in favor of forever war to line their own pockets. I thought all that stuff about the CFR and the NSC and PNAC and all that stuff was a little fever swampy, that well intentioned but misguided people could honestly think we should be all over the ME for 2 decades.

        Yeah I don’t think that anymore. Especially insane to me is how full throated the Democrats jumped into WAR FOR THE SAKE OF WAR. I thought for sure that was one thing they’d be in favor of during the Trump term.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Duty 2 ProtectSlaughter!

      • Ownbestenemy

        This. But all that comes back at you is “you want terrorist…you hate our troops….Russia!”

        Its as if people don’t realize we can get probably a solid ground force into an area on any point on Earth in less than 24 hours…after we obliterated their defenses via air and naval bombardment.

      • Viking1865

        More importantly, from my POV is that I still come down 100% on the simple proposition that the job of the American fighting man and the purpose of the American tax dollar is the defense of America.

        I wish Taiwan, South Korea, the Phillipines, Japan, and any other nation facing the ChiComm menace all the good fortune in the world. I am fine selling them, cash on delivery, anything that American industry can deliver them. But the purpose of the American defense budget is the defense of America, not the defense of even close friends abroad.

        Wherever the standard of freedom and Independence has been or shall be unfurled, there will her heart, her benedictions and her prayers be. But she goes not abroad, in search of monsters to destroy. She is the well-wisher to the freedom and independence of all. She is the champion and vindicator only of her own.

    • Viking1865

      I think maybe we’ll see expansion of some of the current forever wars, since Biden is such a pragmatic moderate and all.

      • commodious spittoon

        I wonder whether he gets to fuck Europe like Obama and Clinton did, or if the Europeans will say boo this time.

      • Viking1865

        Well its verboten for the EU’s Establishment to admit that they were fucked over at all. Remember, the wave of refugees stemming from the Libyan War is officially just a blessing of needed diversity and a chance to right the wrongs of colonialism. That’s the party line.

        Maybe an African humanitarian intervention for the SJW cred?

      • Gustave Lytton

        As long as they both fuck over the UK and lap the Euro cock on climate fraud, they’ll eat up the rest.

        Oh, and the US will need to pick up their share of defense costs. And by their share, mean the Euro’s allocation.

    • westernsloper

      Son, The war aint going to be in another country. Have you been listening to what they are saying? (not that I will participate in a war here *said for our new monitors* I am totally peaceful and flaccid. Actually I am thinking of changing my gender to soap)

  13. limey

    Do y’all have those rubber anuses that stick up on walls and cabinets what for hanging your dish towels and such? I feel like I haven’t seen those since the ’90s. For real, it looks like a steer’s bunghole, and you shove the corner of your towel into it and it hangs up there like that.

    • KromulentKristen

      You should do a series called “Random Thoughts with limey” and SP can use them as filler/open posts as needed. This could be your first one!

      • limey

        I’m open to that.

      • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

        Open like a steer’s bunghole?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Opened right up to the elbow…

      • KromulentKristen

        I think that would be fun as hell

    • Hyperion

      Shit!

      Right link:

      Global Warming

  14. db

    On the dead thread, someone posted “Skate Away, Roller Girl.” It is a great song.

    I always wondered if it was the inspiration for YT in Snow Crash.

    She tortures taxi drivers just for fun
    She like to read their lips
    She say, Toro, Toro Taxi!
    Se ya tomorrow my son
    She just let a big truck graze her hip

    • DEG

      It is a great song.

      Yes it is.

      • Viking1865

        Best band of the 80s don’t @ me.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Mark Knopfler is a god.

      • C. Anacreon

        The final Hitchhikers’ Guide book, IIRC, has a great chapter where Arthur Dent gets intimate with his true love while listening to a recording of Mark Knopfler playing guitar. I think the chapter ended (best as I can remember) with the sex reaching a fever pitch, with the line “and then the song got to the good part”.

      • Raven Nation

        So long and thanks for all the fish

      • Bobarian LMD

        Mostly Harmless was the last book.

      • J. Frank Parnell

        Mostly Harmless was the last book.

        Oh god, you’re one of those people who thinks there was a fourth Indiana Jones movie, aren’t you.

      • Ownbestenemy

        No arguments there. Made out to many of their songs in my youth.

      • C. Anacreon

        Not only that, the referenced song Skateaway also had the lyric “she’s making movies, on location”, out of which came the album title on which the song appears, Dire Straits’ overall best album, 1980’s Making Movies. I still put the CD of that album on the outdoor speakers’ rotation every time we have people over for a backyard barbecue, and have never had a complaint, but plenty of thank-yous.

      • Count Potato

        I should probably go listen to it.

    • Raven Nation

      Dire Straits?

      • db

        yep!

  15. UnCivilServant

    I’ve got two pounds of dried fruits (dates, blueberries, cherries, golden raisins) soaking in Kraken rum for fruitcake cookies. The recipe I’m adapting for the cookies only calls for cinnamon. I’ve also got nutmeg and powdered ginger, and I’m wondering if I should reduce the cinnamon and add the others (or just one of the others).

    • Trigger Hippie

      ‘I’ve got two pounds of dried fruits…’

      *reads the rest*

      Worst Penthouse Forum story ever.

      • UnCivilServant

        If you look up, you might see the gutter.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Where’s the fun in that?

      • Bobarian LMD

        It what happens while your looking up, as the gloved hand slips the chloroformed rag over your mouth.

        Then the fun starts.

      • Trigger Hippie

        This reminds me of a joke where the punchline is: “Wanna go camping?”

      • commodious spittoon
      • db

        All of us get lost in the darkness
        Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
        All of us do time in the gutter
        Dreamers turn to look at the cars

    • Tulip

      Yes

      • UnCivilServant

        So, slightly less cinnamon, but add both ginger and nutmeg?

      • Tulip

        Yes

  16. Don escaped Qanon

    weather war 2021-01-21-Thu
    > loser: BOS
    > typical: ABQ
    > winner: LAX

    psychrometric comparison

    • grrizzly

      I knew in which city to spend this week. Had a pleasant afternoon hike today in Simi Valley.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        I think of you as in VT ?

      • grrizzly

        Nope. Boston or/and LA.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        confession: I’ve never had the guts to invite you to play chess

        got a rating?

      • Ownbestenemy

        What am I chopped liver? Finally signed up and I need to not play while drinking.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        several Glibs have given me a run for my money

        I’m not serious: I play like I drive . . . reactively, never thinking more than two moves ahead; luckily, that works in traffic

      • grrizzly

        Ha! No. Not at all. I never liked playing chess. I’ve happily avoided playing chess since HS.

  17. Ownbestenemy

    The won ton soup was great. Didnt do pork and stuck with shredded chicken instead for the filling.

    Wife “you should apply for that show Worst Cooks in America”

    Me “you can just tell me you didn’t like it”

    Wife “no I think if you get on you could win the 25k prize”

    EGO ME “I definitely could win”
    INTROVERT ME “hey stupid…get that thought out of your brain”

    • KromulentKristen

      Your wife, she’s a clever woman

      • Ownbestenemy

        Its one of the reasons that keep me from divorcing her 😉

    • commodious spittoon

      Wanton soup? I prefer the soup demure.

  18. Timeloose

    Great work CPRM.

    • Trigger Hippie

      Mentally fragile and unhinged? Possibly. Humanity finding comfort in empty rituals that affirm their sense of order? Commonplace.

    • Nikkodemus

      The most depressing realization I came to this year is that when Loki said, “People want to be ruled”, he was right.

    • rhywun

      Andrew Sullivan said that?! I… wow. I had no idea he was that far gone.

  19. KromulentKristen

    Oh fucking hell. I hear fireworks.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Gunfire! Get in the bunker!

    • Mad Scientist

      Go inquire whether they have a permit.

    • Trigger Hippie

      Our national nightmare is over! Unity and Healing has begun!….right after the Purge.

    • KromulentKristen

      These were of the big, booming, professional variety, not the local yokel light-and-run variety

    • straffinrun

      We had some in the am links, too.

      • Brochettaward

        Did something actually happen in the AM links?

    • Gustave Lytton

      Power dressing? Creamy Lite Russian?

      • Don escaped Qanon

        Creamy Lite Russian

        Dear Penthouse:

        I went to a small midwestern college in the seventies, and …………..

    • Trigger Hippie

      Failing to the top has never looked so fierce!

  20. Aus

    CPRM – I will counter your shill with a shill of my own: Can I tip you with BAT? I can offer you 4 BAT which is equivalent to a single crisp Federal Reserve Note.

    I only about around 10,000 BAT currently so this is the best I can offer.

    • Count Potato

      “There’s a violent insurrection happening by a domestic terror organization happening in Portland right now. Is someone able to get this footage to CNN? I’m sure they would want to cover this insurgency!”

      https://twitter.com/RubinReport/status/1352080972846571524

      • Don escaped Qanon

        illiteracy is rampant in Appalachia

        quick: let’s build a hundred schools in Kabul

      • straffinrun

        Let them brainwash kids over there so they don’t brainwash them over here.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        well played !

      • one true athena

        They export our jobs, now they export our school shootings too??

    • Aus

      Buh…but I was told they were anti-facist and the facist is gone! *looks around hurriedly in confusion*

      • Viking1865

        Nah, give Antifa credit they actually do consider both Team Red and Team Blue to evil capitalist overlords. They’re commies, and commies always said “Liberals get the bullet too.”

      • Aus

        True. Back in late May when my neighborhood was smashed up then subsequently boarded up for weeks due to the riots, I was foolish enough to argue with my leftist peeps on facebook and I’d point to Andy Ngos posts regarding antifa to which they would respond saying “That’s not the [MSM-Trusted-Source], I’m not clicking that!!!”

  21. straffinrun

    Either you’re getting more efficient or you’re spending a lot more time on these. Well done!

  22. Tundra

    Fuckin’A!

    Thanks, man! This made my day!

    • rhywun

      #metoo – most of the “clip show” was new to me

    • straffinrun

      Homophobia is ok when they do it.

    • Chipwooder

      Leaving aside the specifics of the tat, why would you want a tattoo of someone you despise, even if it’s mocking in nature?

      These people are fucked in the head, I swear.

    • Chafed

      That isn’t going to age well.

  23. creech

    Best comment on TOS today: “I thought there wasn’t going to be an inauguration parade. But there it was. It started in Guatemala.”

  24. Aus

    Thomas Massie has been dropping some quality tweets lately. …. I love him so much, like… Ron Paul love.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Sssssassy!

  25. Count Potato

    JOE BIDEN’S 15 DAY ONE EXECUTIVE ORDERS:

    1. Mask mandate requiring face coverings in federal buildings and land

    2. Halt border wall construction by terminating the national emergency declaration used to fund it

    3. End the ‘Muslim travel ban’ from seven countries

    4. Reversal of Trump’s expansion of immigration enforcement

    5. Stop the U.S. from withdrawing from the World Health Organization

    6. Rejoin the Paris Climate Accord to reduce fossil fuel emissions

    7. Reinstate a requirement for non-citizens to be included in the Census

    8. Reinforce DACA after Trump sought to end protections for undocumented people brought into the country as children

    9. Dissolve the Trump administration’s 1776 Commission on history curriculum in schools

    10. Cancel construction of the Keystone XL oil and gas pipeline

    11. Extend the existing pause on federal student loan payments

    12. Extend existing moratorium on evictions and foreclosures

    13. Prevent workplaces from discriminating on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity

    14. Undo Trump’s regulatory approval process

    15. Extend deferrals of deportation and work authorizations for Liberians with a safe haven in the United States

    • Ownbestenemy

      Didn’t you already post that?

      • blackjack

        Number 16 is: post everything twice

    • rhywun

      #4 is pretty interesting given that Biden is on record recently saying he doesn’t want hordes of Central Americans amassing at the Mexican border.

      • Gustave Lytton

        So express lane then, no waiting?

      • Plinker762

        Daily C-5 flights to Central America

      • Ownbestenemy

        Politico provided that cover with their “Joe has a problem” story and how he doesn’t remember what he said within the past year…

    • one true athena

      1. His own family ignored it
      2,3,4,7,8- open borders for fun and profit
      5,6 – foreign graft
      9-14 – domestic graft, payoffs to coalition
      15 – I don’t know the specifics but i’m impressed by the specificity

      • J. Frank Parnell

        15 – Biden’s just confused, he thought Trump was deporting Librarians.

  26. straffinrun

    Biden take us to Deafcon 1 yet?

    • Dr. Chipping Pioneer

      WHAT?

  27. Dr. Chipping Pioneer

    It’s too bad that Trump’s not on Twitter. I would have liked to see his tweets today about how many more people were at his inauguration.

    • straffinrun

      He’s not doing a shadow inauguration?

    • Chipwooder

      What the world needs now is a new kind of tension
      Cause the old one just bores me to death
      And what the world needs now is another folk singer
      Like I need a hole in my head

    • Ownbestenemy

      Thanks straf. Good listen.

  28. Spudalicious

    Bravo! Bravo! The little man is standing up on his chair and clapping.

  29. straffinrun

    Kamala is serving one to four depending on good behavior.

    • mikey

      I called it before the election:
      1..100 days of masks takes us to end of April (IOW Sprng)
      b. Back off on the PCR cycles (the casedemic goes away).
      3. We’re Saved! All Hail Gropey Joe – Our Savior!

      • Gustave Lytton

        4. Quietly move from eradication as a goal to just live with it.
        5. Get MSM to stop wall to wall coverage.
        6. Stop states from holding press conferences and then bury the numbers

      • Ownbestenemy

        Step 6 might be the tough one unless Daddy Gov kicks down some Biden bucks to have us go back to a republican form of government though.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Fine, ok here’s your bailout. Don’t twist my arm any more.

    • hayeksplosives

      Oh h hi pod grief.

      • hayeksplosives

        Aka, “oh, good grief.”

      • Ownbestenemy

        Funnily, I picked up on what it was before you posted what the correction was. This place set me free.

    • rhywun

      #moveon

    • Chipwooder

      Hahahahaha…we knew this horseshit was mostly about damaging Trump a long time ago. So very, very transparent.

      • Ownbestenemy

        The world needs another Paul Harvey to tell us everyday, the rest of the story.

      • KromulentKristen

        Try Mike Rowe’s “The Way I Heard It”

  30. db

    “Joe.”

    “Joe.”

    “Jooooooee.”

    The softly hissed call carried around the darkened office, quiet as the wind over a gull’s wing, but clear. Joe started abruptly, drool briefly stretching from his lip to the blotter, then finally stretching too far and breaking, falling, a line that glinted in the moonlight striking the Resolute Desk.

    “Wh-who’s there?”

    Silence. Joe’s tired eyes came to focus, flitting from point to point around the strangely familiar room, but no one was there. The shadow of a high spot in the carpet in the middle of the room formed the illusion instead of a dark pit.

    “It’s Time, Joe,” hissed the air, softly.

    “T-time?” Frightened and uncertain. That wouldn’t do.
    “Who’s there?” A somewhat more forceful demand.

    “How soooon you forget, Joe. You know who it is.”

    “I don’t know you.” Tentative.

    “Perhaps you will remember. You remember this, don’t you?” A mist formed in the moonlight, eddies in the air beginning to shape themselves into an ovoid, then more detail became apparent.

    “Son? Son? Is that you?”

    The face regarded him neutrally for a moment, then dissolved again and reformed, feminine this time, young and hopeful.

    “No! What?” Joe’s eyes tracked rapidly around the room again, pupils dilated in terror, the first recognition of his situation now upon him. His muscles tensed to stand, but he made it only a few inches upward when a pair of powerful hands slammed down on his shoulders, staggering him back into the chair. He looked up, seeing nothing. No one was there. But the pressure was there, holding him in the chair. It started at his shoulders, then progressively downward, each part of him feeling heavy, heavier than he had ever felt before. He couldn’t rise. Maybe he didn’t want to rise.

    “Joooooe. It’s Time.”

    “No, I’m not ready to go yet! I’ve come so far! Not now!”

    “Silly Joe. You’re not going anywhere. No, now is the Time when debts are paid.”

    “I paid those debts. You took– The loss…”

    “While your down payments were…satisfying in their time, there is more, so much more you can give.”

    “But the loss–”

    “But so much gain, Joe. And so much more now to gain. You’re going to gain for me Joe. You spent so much time losing, but now, you remember, you are mine. You have been mine for a very long time. An investment that has finally paid off. And you’re not going anywhere soon.”

    “You can’t do this! It took decades for you to deliver on the deal!”

    “You dare! If it weren’t for your ridiculous incompetence, you would have been at that desk decades ago! It took years to rehabilitate your reputation, only for you to foul it up again! No. You have a lot more to pay, Joe, and I will recover it. In. Full.”

    The mist disappeared suddenly, and the weight left him, but he still felt heavy, so heavy.

    “What have I done?” The lonely man sobbed out the words, alone in the moonlight. His eyes slid from the high point in the carpet, down, down, down, to the pit in the shadow below.

    • hayeksplosives

      What’s this!? Sugar Free fan fiction?

      I like it!

      • db

        Just something I dreamed up. Maybe something to build on.

      • Spudalicious

        That was damn good.

      • db

        Thanks!

      • db

        Oh, and thanks!

    • mikey

      A lot of writting talent in this joint. It’s all a bit …not sure how to put it…

  31. hayeksplosives

    Biden’s whole campaign was based on “Trump is evil, and I’m not Trump.”

    Even his “first 100 days” agenda is all about undoing what Trump did or reinstating what Trump started.

    It will be interesting to see if Biden restores the federal Y2K office that Trump finally shut down (after two other presidents let it ride for 16 years post 2000).

    • rhywun

      I still can’t wrap my brain around “President Biden”. Without snorting.

    • Plinker762

      Year 3000 is coming up fast.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Thought it was 2038…I mean, we should all be dead by then from global warming climate change the climate doing its thing.

      • Plinker762

        I always laugh at the “Save the planet” stuff. The Earth doesn’t GAF.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Humans haven’t realized their own hubris yet. Or they have and realize they can extract billions of dollars from the chicken littles and newly created citizens that have an education level that rivals the dark ages standard.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Ok, Zagerandevans762.

      • db

        Look out! Psychlos!

      • Plinker762

        See, we need a Y3K office to protect us from future aliens. The Space Force is not enough!

  32. mikey

    My word, the NR today has gone into full “Please don’t eat us we really are on your side!” mode today.

  33. hayeksplosives

    Hii oy w very weird, and very difficult, to be Barron Trump. Melania tried valiantly to protect him, but you know the kid had internet access.

    So he only knows what they say in the mainstream media about his Dad, and all of that is simply awful and largely untrue. But he can’t even have a normal cross section of people to hang out with, even though 75million people voted for his Dad.

    I wish Barron the best in the future. Too bad his face is well known; he’ll probably be black listed and unpersoned even if he just wants to become an accountant or a medical doctor and live a private life.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Money doesn’t solve everything, but it will for him. He will be fine — unless we continue down this path we are on now.

    • one true athena

      Yeah, he’s the one that suffers the most, I fear. Maybe they can decamp to Slovenia for a few years.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Maybe once he’s released from prison. Hah, he’s not getting out.

      • mrfamous

        Yeah, they’re gonna Anastasia his ass

  34. Gustave Lytton

    I’d say refill the swamp, but it was never really drained in the first place.

    • one true athena

      I’d forgotten about that book, I should go pick up a copy.

  35. Derpetologist

    welding update

    8 classes down, 28 to go. I rest my left elbow on a set of locking pliers and use my left hand to steady my right wrist. That helps a lot and my technique has greatly improved. They were going to give me a test Monday, but pushed it back to make sure I’d be ready. Found out recently that welding pay is highest in WY, which is where I want to be anyway. Score!

    There is a German race car driver named Sabine Schmitz. She is fun to watch and has an entertaining laugh.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfv1VDfxGJY

    • Plinker762

      What kind of work are you looking at for welding? Pretty broad question. Field or shop, pipeline or structural lots of different opportunities.

      • Derpetologist

        I’m open to nuclear and underwater welding, as well as traveling overseas. Australia was hiring a bunch a while back for some job. I’m not picky. Steady pay is all I need. There’s a certain satisfaction from working on something that will hurt if it falls on your foot. On a side note, it seems I need to blow my nose more often since I started welding. Oh well. My mucus does its job.

    • Chafed

      I thought you are active duty military.

    • Not an Economist

      If you get the right certificates, you can make a lot of money as a welder.

  36. Yusef drives a Kia

    Hey Everybody! what’s cookin’!

    • Sean

      Bacon. Applewood smoked bacon.

    • Gender Traitor

      Coffee. Only thing I feel ready to ingest first thing in the morning.

      Good morning, boys.

  37. Sean

    Delaware is not even a real state.

    Also, great fucking episode!

    • straffinrun

      Agreed. I wouldn’t even know what “feeling Delaware” would mean.

  38. Sean

    I won $4. Who said the lottery was for suckers?

    Ha!

    • The Hyperbole

      First KK now Sean, 2021 the year of the Glibs!

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Don’t worry, plenty of time for it all to go tits up, and it will,
        Howdy!

      • Gender Traitor

        Did KK actually win $$, or is it just that she’s getting out of VA?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Righteous bucks

  39. straffinrun

    Ever meet someone and they aren’t rude or weird but you can’t figure out what the fuck they want?

    • Sean

      I’m meeting someone at work for the first time today. I don’t know how to act (covid related).

      • Timeloose

        Black guy complicated handshake followed by the EU face kiss it a great way to confuse and worry your new coworker.

      • Sean

        She works for another company that we do work for. I’m not sure how covid scared she’s gonna be.

        I’ve already gone the extra mile and cleaned off the visitor chair in my office.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        A good old Little Rascals spit in the palm handshake should break the ice.

    • UnCivilServant

      That’s everyone, Straff. Unless it’s a salesperson, then you know exactly what they want.

  40. Not an Economist

    There is nothing Biden can’t do. First Amazon decides to help distribute the vaccine and then one hour after Biden takes office the WHO revises its COVID testing protocols.

    It is almost as if people were more concerned with making Orange Man look bad than doing what is right.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      And *poof* watch the confirmed cases plummet. Most assuredely it was just a coincidence and I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I’ll sell tou. That being said, at least they’re finally doing the right thing now even if the motivation is iffy.

    • Sean

      Hrm. Didn’t see you already posted this.

  41. Cy

    Good morning fellow oppressees!

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      I suspect the gloves will come off now and these people will be quietly arrested and herded off to prisons with little fanfare.

  42. Sean

    Shocked, I am.

    Surprise, Surprise – Literally one hour after Biden was sworn in, the World Health Organization admitted that PCR testing produces high amplification rates and results and a huge number of false positives.