We [redacted] This [redacted] With a [redacted]

by | Jan 29, 2021 | Big Government, Cryptids, Deep State, Executive Branch, Federal Power, National Security | 125 comments

THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED

ITS NICE NOW WE DON’T HAVE TO ELABORATE ON WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS.  WE DON’T NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR THOSE THAT WOULD LEAK THIS TO THE FEDERALIST OR BUZZFEED.

QUITE FRANKLY IT IS REFRESHING WE NO LONGER HAVE A PRESIDENT WE NEED TO WORRY ABOUT. 

TRUST THE PLAN.

THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED 

January 18, 2021
Location:  Wilmington, DE

“Mr. President-Elect.  I appreciate you inviting to meet me in person for this transition briefing….” The special agent began.  He looked around the odd and ends of the basement where America’s next president was kept safe.  “I am afraid it is too sensitive for Zoom.”

”Yeah… sure thing…” The President-Elect did his customary half cocked smile and a wink.  “Just call me Joe.”

”Yes Mr. President-Elect”.

The President-Elect’s basement was neatly apportioned with a large leather sofa in the corner facing a desk with three cameras.  One on a tripod on the desk, one wall mounted behind the desk, and another small enough to be handheld.  Opposite was a single podium with the President-Elect’s seal on a shower curtain as a backdrop. The agent noticed there was indeed a shower behind it.

The President-Elect was wearing a luxurious, dark blue bathrobe with the President-Elect’s seal embroidered over his heart.  Along with a gold chain hanging loosely around his neck with his lifeguard whistle.

”So Special Agent in Charge Snuffy, what brings you here?”

”You remembered my name?”

The President-Elect walked slowly towards the podium and scooted out a 55 gallon drum into view before sitting down on top of it.  Not content with simply laying his weight off his broken foot, the President-Elect shifted his garment slightly revealing the luxurious, dark blue bathrobe was the only thing standing in the way of the President-Elect’s soft erection.

”I mean, yeah.  I’m running out of cord blood here.  I need to let Hunter know the barrel is kinda light.”  He winked again.

The agent winced.

”C’mon man, everyone knows you.”  The President-Elect continued. You’re the the the the the guy with the cigarettes, the the the the the cheap whiskey, sweaty armpits, and the the the the leathery something or other.”

”Nothing you said thus far is a lie.”

”Then theres you know, the thing you’re always going on about…something about the John Kerry robot and how it it it it it was too realistic to be believable?”

“While my agency provided the hardware for that I personally had very little to do with it.”

“You guys made the Kamala bot too?  She sucks.  She really sucks.”

“No. That’s just Senator Harris.”

“You’re the guy that put Beau in a cryo-cryoshhhtastitablatshasisis after Ted Kennedy raped him?”

“You’re getting close enough. Ted Kennedy was severely damaged by his encounter with SPACE SMITH.  Lets just say Ted Kennedy had a little bit of SPACE SMITH in him and thats what happened to your son.”

“That’s too bad, man.”

“…one among dozens of other incidents involving Ted Kennedy.”

THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED

ITS NICE NOW WE DON’T HAVE TO ELABORATE ON WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS.  WE DON’T NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR THOSE THAT WOULD LEAK THIS TO THE FEDERALIST OR BUZZFEED.

QUITE FRANKLY IT IS REFRESHING WE NO LONGER HAVE A PRESIDENT WE NEED TO WORRY ABOUT. 

TRUST THE PLAN.

THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED 

“One thing we need you to know is that SPACE SMITH is still among us.  Sitting there silently, waiting for its time to strike at the soul of our nation.”

“C’mon man. I thought we took care of that back in 1972 when Richard Nixon did that thing in the place, during the you know, with that lady and the broken dreams of aborted fetuses deal.  Such a waste of fetal tissue but we didn’t know better back then, man.  We weren’t following the science.  Let let let let let me tell you. We will listen to the experts when I am president.”

“I am an expert on SPACE SMITH.

“Okay”

“I am telling you need to shut the hell up.”

“Okay.”

“So don’t talk about SPACE SMITH while we cover up everything about SPACE SMITH.”

“YOU LISTEN HERE FAGGOT. I have my great grandfather’s codpiece that he wore when he fought Moros in Manila and and and and and and he took several Filipino house boys back to America.”

“What?”

The President-Elect pulled out a switchblade and moved slowly across the shag carpeted basement floor and put it against the agent’s neck. The agent felt a small hand caress his bosom, a soft erection at the small of his back, and a small hairy snout from behind his left ear.

“You smell like Beau…”

THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED

ITS NICE NOW WE DON’T HAVE TO ELABORATE ON WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS.  WE DON’T NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR THOSE THAT WOULD LEAK THIS TO THE FEDERALIST OR BUZZFEED.

QUITE FRANKLY IT IS REFRESHING WE NO LONGER HAVE A PRESIDENT WE NEED TO WORRY ABOUT.

TRUST THE PLAN.

THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED

About The Author

SPACE SMITH

SPACE SMITH

125 Comments

  1. Don escaped Qanon

    Brochetta is REDACTED

    • Chafed

      Sobbing in a corner? Fisted?

  2. westernsloper

    What the holy fuck?

    • Fourscore

      Accurate assessment, Smitty, and certainly needs the redacting,

    • KromulentKristen

      I don’t why this makes me LOL.

  3. Don escaped Qanon

    emergency sorry OT because of the timing:

    Lovett and Isbell live stream at the top of the hour

    https://www.lylelovett.com/

    • Don escaped Qanon

      Lovett just covered Steve Fromholz’s Bears

  4. db

    Dizzaaaamm.

  5. blackjack

    I’d have felt better if all of this took place in a Subaru, and maybe had a corpse sniffing dog or something…

    • Not Adahn

      That is one of the all-time greats

  6. Ownbestenemy

    @Western from last thread.

    The one thawing was … 3.99/lb @ 12 lbs and is choice from Albertsons. The one I just bought and in the freezer was …2.99/lb @ 11lbs and is prime from Costo.

  7. DEG

    More believable than QAnon.

    • blackjack

      I have little faith that q-anon even exists. At least, that it is any more prevalent than white supremacy. I’ve seen about 5 pictures of people with “Q” gear like shirts or flags. If it was as they say, I’d be seeing some indication of it, somewhere other than CNN. If they do exist, at least they seem opposed to child molesting, so that part’s good, right?

      • rhywun

        Get back to me when they outnumber Black Israelites screaming about white devils on street corners.

      • blackjack

        At least I’ve seen a video of about 5 of those guys having hipsters kiss their boots. Never seen a group that big of “Q” people. Just ones and twos and only one or two of those.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        Honestly, I think the QAnon is psyops warfare. A plant thought up by Democrats, and carried out via their Silicon Valley lackies.

        At the very least it’s amplified at least 1000x more than what it actually is in real life.

        You know, like the OK sign now being a sign of white supremacy. They took a picture of a couple of racist assholes giving the OK sign, and BOOM! It’s now a white nationalist emblem according to the narrative.

      • blackjack

        Yeah, I’m pretty sure this whole last year was a giant psyop. The ‘vid is real, but the response has been crazy out of step with the danger. The election was so obviously unfair and rigged. The left has to kill anyone who thinks that just to cover their tracks. Biden/Kamala are such terrible candidates, yet they are lauded by the left, who should hate them both. We’re being dragged into an unreality. The few voices resisting it are weakening. I hope we survive. Truth is a basic requirement for survival and it’s in short supply lately.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        There are very few sources left that one can trust.

        This is a very bad thing. A low trust society is generally a violent one.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        ^^^

        With institutional trust all but shattered, rocky times are ahead.

        It’s not just a lack of trust in the news media and politicians. People don’t trust their coworkers and employers. They don’t trust the apps on their phone. They don’t trust their kids’ teachers. They don’t trust their next door neighbors. Their stock broker, their grocery store, their town health inspector, their psychologist, their cousins.

        It’s a recipe for upheaval and for social friction. I was watching The Expanse today and a quote struck me. “People are tribal. When times are good, the tribe is big. When times are bad, people shrink their tribes down.” (or something like that)

        The tribes are shrinking, massively.

  8. Not Adahn

    The agent noticed there was indeed a shower behind it.

    A very Douglas Adams vibe, before it got all rapey.

  9. rhywun

    the President-Elect’s soft erection

    Oh my God.

    • kinnath

      Fake News.

      The man is 80.

      • limey

        He has an implant. There’s a little bulb you squeeze to pump it up, but you have to know where the bulb is.

      • rhywun

        As if I needed another reason not to put my hand in Joe’s pocket.

    • creech

      Cannot his ED be treated by DOCTOR Jill?

      • Fourscore

        And, and, and what Kinnath said

      • blackjack

        The true treatment for ED is hotter chicks doing hotter things.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      That made me gag a bit too.

    • Drake

      Good luck to him. I’ll be stopping in next time we drive down south.

      • LCDR_Fish

        More than worth it. If the weather’s not shit, I might swing by again on Sunday (or tomorrow).

    • Fourscore

      Good luck to your friend. It has to start somewhere.

    • DEG

      I read the comments. Ross Fischer can go fuck himself.

      Good that your buddy isn’t complying. I hope he pulls through. If you hear of a GoFundMe or similar fundraiser for him, let us know.

      • hayeksplosives

        IndieGogo is the only crowdfunding that would allow it.

        GoFundMe will drop a semi controversial topic like a hot potato.

      • DrOtto

        But he said “science” multiple times in his response. He is a learn-ed man.

    • blackjack

      That’s what we, here in CA, call an atmospheric river. As of this rain storm, anyway. The cool thing lately is to rename normal weather events with really ominous names like artic blast or atmospheric river. It helps the climate emergency folks to believe that every weather event is unprecedented.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        Last year Glibs talked humidity a lot, so I thought it would be fun to plot the towns. It’s neat to see London and Tokyo versus American cities.

        Of course, some places are really nice and really stable.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Haboob = sandstorm
        Bomb Cyclone = blizzard
        Microburst = sudden rainshowers

        This checks out.

      • blackjack

        You forgot “Sharknado.” Climate change will bring them, just wait.

      • hayeksplosives

        If it means more Tara Reid public appearances, it really will be a threat to humanity.

      • PudPaisley

        The weatherman used to call it an Arctic Blast when we’d get cold air from Canada that caused a major drop in winter temps. NoW they are called a Polar Vortex because it sounds more sciencey, and everybody but deplorables FUCKING LOVE SCIENCE!!!!! We’ve had a very mild winter in the Upper Midwest, so no Polar Vortexes yet this year.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        This.

        Winter storms were never named until a few years ago.

        Now they’re naming standard storm systems (SUPERSTORM SANDY!!!) because they don’t meet the threshold for a real storm.

        All of this has happened in the last decade with the explicit attempt of making normal weather look ominous and new.

        These people are fucked in the head, and we have to not only live in their fantasy world. We have to pay for it too.

      • C. Anacreon

        So true. I’ve lived in Northern California for 35 years, and there’s been plenty of extended episodes of wet weather during the rainy seasons. But never before have i heard of an atmospheric river. And yet the local news foofs are acting like it’s a common thing they are all quite familiar with.

    • rhywun

      I have no idea what that’s saying but I live near LGA and it IS cold AF. So yeah, outside the “winter comfort zone”.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        roughly 30F @ 30%

        humidity doesn’t much matter at that temp

        psychrometrics is about comfort; in my case, it’s about conditioning space

        and wind isn’t on the scale . . . or clothing

        so yeah: you’re a long way from porch weather

      • rhywun

        I hate humidity and when it gets this cold (20 degrees currently) I can’t crack the windows open any more so the steam heat gets really uncomfortable to me. And my windows sweat and the paint peels on the windowsills from all the water etc etc

    • KromulentKristen

      I’ll be in my bunk

    • KromulentKristen

      (I don’t see DCA in there tho)

      • Don escaped Qanon

        RIC is pretty good: USA/CSA potato/potatoe

    • Gustave Lytton

      Reinforces my belief that January is the best month to visit TYO, along with a windproof layer.

  10. Don escaped Qanon

    Why are virus cases cratering? I figured we were headed into the teeth of its second winter.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        !

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Seasonality. Depending on the atmospheric conditions of your climate, respiratory infections passed for most of the country. It’ll probably surge again this summer in the southern US and Mexico like last year, but at a lower incidence due to the vaccine and old fashioned immunity.

      https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2134066/pdf/jhyg00034-0042.pdf

      Then again, I’m no doctor.

    • Not Adahn

      Herd immunity.

      With 400k deaths and a 0.1% IFR, all 400M Americans have already contracted the coof and are wither immune or dying.

    • Chafed

      Farr’s Law.

    • blackjack

      Pretty sure we all commit three a day, so this is not surprising.

  11. mikey

    “Along with a gold chain hanging loosely around his neck with his lifeguard whistle.”
    Nice.

    I wonder what happend to my lifeguard whistle.

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      I don’t know who wrote that complaint, but it is a bit of a mess.

      • kinnath

        Written and filed in less than a day I think.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        Setting aside the typos (we regularly turn stuff around in a day without so many typos), sections of the complaint are just garbage. They don’t lead with anything actionable, include a bunch of irrelevant info, and you really have to go digging to find an actionable claim. Instead, they lead with the Twitter “let the people trade” bullshit. I also think the breach of contract claim is weaker than the breach of fiduciary duty claim, which is buried fourth or fifth in line.

        Feels like some second year wrote it as a side project to relieve the tedium of doc review.

      • Not Adahn

        considering it was written in, what? 45 minutes?

    • KromulentKristen

      I sure do hate when he reads long ass passages from the suits. I understand why he does – so his comments are fully in context – but I usually fast forward and just listen to his commentary. I usually get the gist without listening to the whole recitation.

      • cyto

        I wish I could do that when my wife starts in on her honey-do list… It always comes with a 15 minute windup. “Hang this shelf I bought, right here by the mirror.” Is sufficient. I don’t need a long prelude about how it was on sale and you thought it would be a good place, etc…. And I don’t need a long epilog about it either.

  12. Tres Cool

    I’m off to work, kids. Jugsy finally made it home after work had her gone for 2 weeks.
    I hope its a quick night- Im feeling lucky.

  13. dbleagle

    Just got home with some spicy poke. Based on the Glib comments I picked up a bottle of Buffalo Trace to try later.

    I understand the HNL gate for Glib weather, but no mention of PHX? I hear there is a gathering of Glibs this weekend. Is a group of Glibs a “monocle of Glibs”?

    Have fun at the gathering and I’ll lift some port to the “monocle”. (Yes, I had to resupply that as well.)

    • Viking1865

      Buffalo Trace really is the best bang for the buck bourbon out there, in my not especially humble opinion.

    • Not Adahn

      That’s a great idea. I should drink some port.

      • Not Adahn

        Porto Feist Colheita 1976. Carter Administration. Bicentennial. “Beige” was a fashionable color. Pre-AIDS though.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        1976. Carter Administration

        Carter eve 🙂

        I was at the Smithsonian in 77 when Rosalyn donated her inaugural gown to that collection. Do they let redneck children get within 20 feet of a First Lady anymore? We were all piled in there like a family reunion.

      • dbleagle

        I enjoy me some PCP. (Port, dark chocolate, port)

        A port recommendation. If anybody is doing a winery trip to Paso Robles, CA make sure to visit Paso Port. All they make is ports and they are well blended. One is blended for having with cigars, and does the job very well.

        Bonus is their labels are done in the style of classic era pin up girls.

    • Don escaped Qanon

      I’m glad to be guilty of recommending the value proposition of Buffalo Trace. The firm that engineers and builds big parts of their builds fired me almost two years ago, but that’s okay because it was in time for nice golf weather.

      PHX: I just pulled the trigger on the weather link at 0:30 past the hour, and no PHX pholks has made themselves known, so I just graphed for those of us here (hmm: left off MEM). Maybe I’ll add more in an hour based on who shows up (we’re listening to the Lovett show, so no zooming for me, I’m killing time).

      • Gender Traitor

        Dayton won’t be too bad during the day tomorrow, but we DO have Snowmageddon coming tomorrow night. (3-6″!!!!1!!!!!!ELEVENTY!) And of course tomorrow I need to do a commando raid on Kroger for the good frozen mixed vegetables and sugar-free bread that Meijer doesn’t carry, so I’ll have to do battle with all the French toast zombies.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        sometimes I do DAY, CMH, or CLE

    • Nephilium

      In the Phoenix area today it rained. Locals panicked. The girlfriend grabbed a coat. I was entertained..

      • mexican sharpshooter

        No we didn’t. The streets need to flood before we panic.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Hmmm.. BT ve Woodford…

    • Spudalicious

      Beautiful.

  14. Gustave Lytton

    Took wife to pickup her car from the detailing shop and then went back to work. Car that was in to remove the carpets, thoroughly clean and dry out the carpet after soaking the foot wells (turns out it wasn’t the sun roof drains but plugged drain holes at the foot of the windshield). Come home to see rear window half open and rain pouring in. Window wouldn’t go up. Kill me now.

    • Don escaped Qanon

      ugh

      foot of the windshield

      “cowl” after that part of a hooded robe

      • Gustave Lytton

        Yes, thank you. Dash was stuck in my head and I couldn’t see beyond it even though that was obviously wrong. Stupid leaves and mice had fun together.

      • Don escaped Qanon

        I’m fascinated by how technology informs language . . . and what lingers meaningfully in words after the widget has passed from use

      • Don escaped Qanon

        roll up the window
        flash in the pan
        half-cocked
        strike up a conversation
        lock, stock, and barrel

  15. Crusty Juggler

    Marjorie Taylor Greene…that crazy bitch is a hard would.

    Ball is in your chesty court, AOC.

    • Spudalicious

      They should wrassle…in jello.

  16. grrizzly

    Hah! Jeffrey Tucker retweeted this video of a protest in Holland. Presumably against lockdowns and curfews.

    Turns out it’s a demonstration in St. Petersburg, Russia. Pause the video after 5 seconds. And check this out. The impressive colonnade in the background belongs to the Kazan Cathedral. And it’s the same yellow building up front.

  17. Ayn Random Variation

    Was just called a fascist for expressing my libertarian views. Held my tongue and walked out while being yelled at. All I can do.

    • Gender Traitor

      Live and in person? Not on the Internet?

      • Ayn Random Variation

        It’s frustrating but once you are not on the right side it’s just noise

    • slumbrew

      You can take solace in the near 100% certainty that person doesn’t actually know what a “fascist” or “fascism” is, other than “things I don’t like”.

      • Gender Traitor

        “Fascist” has become the all-purpose epithet to use when you’ve (allegedly) outgrown “poopy-head.”

    • pistoffnick

      FASCIST!

      *points at ARV*

      • commodious spittoon

        Fascist!

    • Brochettaward

      We need more details.

      • grrizzly

        Yes.

    • PudPaisley

      My go-to in those situations is to point my finger at the person and loudly say SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! over and over again. I usually do it aggressively by getting right up in their face. In the past I would say much worse things. I had plenty of practice at this back at UW-Madison in the early 90’s. Turn the shit back on them.

  18. Crusty Juggler

    Blue Horseshoe loves Anacott Steel

  19. hayeksplosives

    The Mr Splosives was sick as a dog a couple of weeks ago with what sound like “Covid symptoms” complete with fever, shuddering chills, aches, etc. He stayed in bad for almost a week.

    Then he had a decent week of recovery (minus the allergic reaction to Lisinopril, but that was treated quickly and he was right as rain.

    Now he’s sick again, in bed sleeping almost all day, little appetite (drinking chicken broth and the like) but hasn’t messaged his doctor.

    He just went back to bed right after I came home from work, saying he didn’t want to black out again.

    Wait—black out? Again? Sure enough, he says he’s gotten dizzy to the point of blacking out twice this week.

    Q: Did you message your doctor?

    A: No.

    Q: When was the last time you blacked out before this week?

    A: When I was 14.

    GAAH! I can’t make him use his brain. I can’t make him call his doc. I have no idea what might be wrong. I told him that he has to take responsibility for asking for help.

    What do you do with a stubborn spouse? Especially if he has a touch of martyr syndrome?

    • KromulentKristen

      Hope he’s OK! I think all you can do is try to reason through it with him to get him to call the doc.

    • Brochettaward

      What do you do with a stubborn spouse?

      I suppose letting him die and collecting the insurance money isn’t the sort of feedback you are looking for?

      I mean, there is insurance money, right?

      • hayeksplosives

        Not enough, unfortunately.

        But yeah, the “Let him die. That’ll show him!” Does seem like an extreme lesson.

  20. Brochettaward

    If there wasn’t so much jealousy and anger towards me as the First of all Firsters, SPACE SMITH articles would have my tagline: “In Space, no one can hear you not consent.”

  21. grrizzly

    Cannibals are not welcome.
    Armie Hammer Exits Making of ‘The Godfather’ Drama Series at Paramount Plus

    Armie Hammer will no longer star in the upcoming Paramount Plus series “The Offer,” which tells the behind the scenes story of the making of “The Godfather,” Variety has learned from sources.

    It was announced in early December that Hammer was attached to lead the show in the role of Al Ruddy, who produced “The Godfather” back in 1972. The 10-episode series details Ruddy’s experience working on the iconic film. The search is now on for a new series lead.

    • Chafed

      Prejudice is everywhere.

  22. hayeksplosives

    I just saw some sort of press conference with Prez JoeJoe stating that we have 400 to 600 million doses of vaccine ready, and that that was enough to vaccinate 300 people.

    He repeated it a few times. 300 people.

    I searched for it online (I saw it on Facebook which doesn’t have an easy way to share outside FB). The search turned up the remarks transcribed on the White House gov official site with helpful edits to cover up the fact that joejoe has lost it.

    “That’s enough to fully vaccinate 300 [million] people.”

    The transcript smoothes over all repeated words, umms and other things.

    Never believe a transcript of JoeJoe speaking. It’s all sanitized. Watch the video.

    • Akira

      Never believe a transcript of JoeJoe speaking. It’s all sanitized. Watch the video.

      It’s been my rule for a while to skip the corporate media coverage and go straight to the original source whenever possible.

  23. hayeksplosives

    I would love to see a deep fake video of Biden in the Lifealert “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial.

    • Tejicano

      If they do that they should add a scene with Harris tip-toing in from stage left with a baseball bat… stop, look over her shoulder… tip-toe a bit closer… raise the bat above her head…