Biden Signs Executive Order to Restore Democracy

by | Feb 18, 2021 | Satire | 231 comments

WASHINGTON – “With this order, I hereby restore power to the people so that no President may ever rule by fiat again” said Biden as he squinted at the teleprompter. “It’s truly a momentous occasion” said CNN senior political analyst Joanna Gambolputty. “Throughout history, presidents have used their power to restore power to its proper balance, such as when FDR forced Americans to sell their gold to the government. Or when FDR forced Japanese Americans into internment camps. Or when FDR drafted millions of Americans to fight in WW2. Truly, the people had more power under FDR than any other president” added Gambolputty.

Other proposed executive orders include a $1 billion program to study ways to reduce the national debt and promoting world peace by invading Iran. Senator Rand Paul was asked to comment, but when called, he merely spluttered incoherently for a few moments and then hung up the phone. Various Democrats have called for more aggressive executive orders, such as a special tax on white males to promote racial harmony and reduce inequality.

In response, Republicans have called for a national day of prayer, increased military spending, and tougher penalties for drug crime. The proposal, dubbed The Reverse Mortgage with America by its architect Mitt Romney, has received a mix response from the GOP. “It needs something about the flag” said Mitch McConnell.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

231 Comments

  1. Brochettaward

    Democracy is stupid.

    • Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

      50+1, works for Democrats and Athenians,

    • Ted S.

      No stupider than Brochettaward.

    • limey

      As stupid as firsting?

      • Brochettaward

        Being First is the antithesis to democracy.

      • Flawgic

        Firstivus for the Worstuvus

      • IntraveneousWoodChipper

        Lol

    • Lachowsky

      Two wolves and a sheep fighting over whats for dinner.

      • Fourscore

        1 wolf and 2 sheep and get the same results. That’s what we have now, 1 governor can destroy the economy, the schools and every thing else in the state by decree.

      • Rat on a train

        It’s in the sheep’s best interest.

    • Tundra

      Yes.

    • straffinrun

      “But it’s better than all the rest!”

      Sure. That’s why fuck the rest, too.

      • westernsloper

        Even mesoposomaticnialisticanarchocapotilisticfuedilism? I think that system has a shot.

      • straffinrun

        I’d take that.

      • westernsloper

        Then it should be invented. I pulled that out of my ass.

    • Gadfly

      Democracy for choosing leaders is a good idea. Where Democracy breaks down is when it becomes acceptable for those leaders to behave like autocrats. Rule by Popular Right is no more justifiable than rule by Divine Right. The people should control the government, but the government should not control the people.

      • blackjack

        Every government in any form should be forcibly constrained to the lowest possible level to allow society to exist and protect the rights of it’s citizens. I don’t care how society chooses it’s leaders, as long as they are very strongly reined in and incapable of violating anyone’s rights.

      • straffinrun

        I’ll give you your govt if you promise on penalty of death to water that tree every 20 years.

      • Akira

        Every government in any form should be forcibly constrained to the lowest possible level to allow society to exist and protect the rights of it’s citizens.

        And it should be subdivided as locally as possible. If we absolutely must have a government solution to something, it should be decided by the people who are involved, not some career bureaucrats on the other side of the country.

        Historically, it’s a bad idea to have people lorded over by distant elites who know nothing about them and don’t give a shit.

      • Rat on a train

        Democracy is a method of choosing policy. It does not guarantee liberty. A democracy without limits will only remain free so long as the people desire. People tend to value other things over liberty.

  2. Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

    Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb bomb Iran,

    • limey

      Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah T-shirt? Khomeini died years
      ago.
      Homer: But, Marge! It works on any Ayatollah; Ayatollah Nakhbadeh,
      Ayatollah Zahedi; even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmada and his
      cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power.
      Marge: I don’t care who’s consolidating their power.

      • Fourscore

        Ayatollah Walz? You betcha

    • Lachowsky

      May the soul of John McCain rest in peace.

      In hell.

      • Tundra

        Dude, just wait until you dig into Horton’s book. The number of people who you will cheer to be sodomized by Satan will surprise even your blackened libertarian soul.

      • Lachowsky

        Brennan deserves hell

        Wolfiwitz deserves hell

        Libby deserves hell

        Bush deserves hell

        Clintons deserve hell

        Obama deserves hell

        There is more but thats what I got off the top of my head.

      • Tundra

        There are so many more. I can’t even keep up with the flood of fuckheads.

        Very interested to get your take on the book. I thought my cynicism was fully formed, but it was still just an infant.

  3. westernsloper

    dog help us. Derp has become a prophet.

  4. westernsloper

    Republicans have called for a national day of prayer, increased military spending, and tougher penalties for drug crime.

    This is spot on.

  5. Tundra

    Nailed it. So depressing.

    Thanks Derp.

    *jumps*

  6. KromulentKristen

    such as when FDR forced Americans to sell their gold to the government. Or when FDR forced Japanese Americans into internment camps. Or when FDR drafted millions of Americans to fight in WW2.

    LOL

    • Tulip

      Oh c’mon. I’m sure there are some men on the Zooms that are secure enough in their masculinity to drink a hot butterscotch with rum.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I never understood that view from men. Its alcohol. Yeah I have my tastes and surgery drinks aren’t one, but will it a: contribute to my buzz and b: can I order it for the lady next to me (in a former life, never now as a taken man)

      • straffinrun

        Taken man, eh? Property of Tomio.

      • Ownbestenemy

        bwahaha not no mo’ 😉

    • Tulip

      That sounds a lot bitchier on the screen than in my head – not my intention.

      My drink will be delicious! You will all be jealous!

    • westernsloper

      Love it!

    • Tundra

      Dad of the Year.

      Congrats.

      • Lachowsky

        Whats the point in having 13000 dollar buggy if you cant tug around your kids in the once in a decade snow storm?

      • blackjack

        Nowadays, 13k only buys a replacement long block for a buggy.

      • blackjack

        Comment first, then watch the video. Seems like it shoulda worked better. That’s what I’d call a Ute.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        I’m quite happy to see that you too call it a buggy.

    • westernsloper

      Extra points if the kids are sitting on something out of the scrap pile, a piece of metal roofing that blew off in the storm or a garbage can lid.

      • Lachowsky

        Thats the bottom of a plastic 55 gallon drum. I cut it off with a Sawzall, drilled a couple holes, put a u bolt in it and tied the rope from the u bolt to the ball on my polaris.

      • westernsloper

        Excellent!

      • Lachowsky

        We get a good snow here one out of 5 years. There are no sleds other than those quickly thrown together out of whatever is available.

      • westernsloper

        Even in snow country the best sleds are the homemade ones. Especially when making them with the kids. They may or may not work great but that is never the point. Sorry about your plumbing problems but no doubt it didn’t phase you guys. Frozen pipes suck. Been there.

      • pistoffnick

        Upside down Oldsmobile hood.

      • Lady Z

        A few neighbors have been pulling their kids around on a cardboard box tied to a truck. Looks like fun.

    • Fourscore

      When you don’t have a hill you improvise. You’re a good dad, Lach. One day your kids will pull that clip out and remember the good times.

      • Lachowsky

        I actually have a good hill. But damn, I’d be criminally negligent not to use my buggy to enhance the fun.

      • Tundra

        This.

        I love when the kids bring up fun stuff I completely forgot. Your day today will likely be one of those!

    • Gustave Lytton

      Dragging people from vehicle with a chain while they scream? Bigot confirmed!

      (Jk. That’s awesome!)

    • straffinrun

      Thrilldozer!

    • Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

      gettin it done!

    • Muzzled Woodchipper

      Biden is an idiot.

      Which part?

      I’ve seen this movie several times before and just making sure it’s a new installment.

    • limey

      I guess he liked the sound of “red planet”.

  7. Not Adahn

    Someone at the Bee is jelly.

    • UnCivilServant

      Bee Royal Jelly? That means they’re getting ready to swarm!

      • limey

        I’ve seen that episode of Future Guy.

      • juris imprudent

        Is that like Family-rama?

  8. straffinrun

    I had a PTA meeting today. Wasn’t very good because Ted Cruz wasn’t there.

    • blackjack

      He was busy.

      • Lady Z

        “He’s a tricky lil’ rascal, boy howdy!” Cruz said. “But we’ll get ’em, just you watch! Darn’ tootin’!”

        They sure got the Texas lingo down.

  9. westernsloper

    Have we heard from Doc C Anecreaon since his late (to me) post the other night?

    • Tundra

      He was in afternoon lynx.

      • westernsloper

        Ok good. Thanks! I can’t read every friggin comment made here because the (wo)Man makes me work for my paycheck.

    • pistoffnick

      I believe he posted in the morning links.

      Do you work or something? ;^)

      • westernsloper

        Something.

    • Brochettaward

      What post?

  10. Lackadaisical

    @KK, you either have a really good or a really terrible neighbor. What prompted that comment?

    • KromulentKristen

      She lives two floors down and we are close friends, but she’s a bit of an extrovert, and that can be exhausting. I need a solid block of time where she’s not texting me asking me to visit or borrow some food item to recharge.

      • UnCivilServant

        That phrasing makes me think she’s asking you to borrow food from her.

      • zwak

        My wife is the same as you re the recharge time. And that is why I am planning a weeklong road trip for next month. This working form home crap is for the birds.

      • blackjack

        We’re going up to Sonoma next weekend to help the niece with her wedding prep stuff. My kid want’s to see Frisco, so I figure we better go now before it become a real life, “There must be a pony under all this shit” scenario.

      • zwak

        Frisco. heh.

        The only people who call SF that are Mexicans and bikers.

        You’re OK in my book.

      • Rat on a train

        And people from LA that want to piss off people from Frisco.

      • Lady Z

        It’s nice that you can tell her to leave off for a bit. A lot of extroverts just don’t get that.

      • Gender Traitor

        I’m still trying to figure out what kind of food needs to be recharged…

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      What the heel is that?

  11. Lachowsky

    FWIW

    Turned the water back on at my house and the last pipe that was frozen has thawed and wasn’t busted. Thank zardoz.

    I had to tear out a wall in my bathroom that I just got done remodeling to fix a busyed pipe earlier in the week. Thankfully, the frozen one the kitchen thawed without busting.

    • pistoffnick

      My Wichita house had a bathroom over an uninsulated crawl space. I got sick of the pipes freezing up, so I hauled my fat ass up there from the basemant to wrap heat tape and insulation around the pipes. I found somebody’s porn and whiskey stash while I was up there. And a cat skeleton.

      • UnCivilServant

        It was clearly the cat’s stash, and it didn’t want to be interrupted.

      • westernsloper

        If that was in central OKC I want those magazines and cat skeleton back. That was where I kept them but forgot where I put them and had to move.

      • Lachowsky

        My grandpas land that I used to wander all over when I was kid had an old hand dug rock lined well on it.

        One day when I was 12 or so, after making the trek to the well I had visited many times before, I noticed a string run down into it.

        I pulled the string up and retrieved a six pack of natty light.

        That was the first six pack I ever had to keep in my own possession and I made use of it layer that week when I had the house to myself.

  12. Gadfly

    Excellent work on the satire, Derp.

  13. LJW

    Sitting around watching the movie Maverick tonight. One of my favorite movies of the 90s. Underrated and a rare occurrence of a movie that’s as good if not better than the show it’s based off of.

    I always catch something new every time I watch it. Had no idea John Fogerty is an uncredited extra.

      • LJW

        Yup

    • straffinrun

      The ending is great.

    • blackjack

      Did he plagiarize himself again?

    • egould310

      That’s the 2nd time someone has mentioned John Fogerty to me in the last hour. I am now starting to watch Maverick. Thanks!

  14. Derpetologist

    suggested music: Spanish flea

    presented without comment

    https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2021/01/15/956086041/video-face-it-youre-bad-at-judging-physical-distance-heres-how-to-do-it

    ***
    A restaurant in Germany made special hats for diners with 6-foot-long foam pool toys called noodles attached. You’ve got 3 feet of noodle in front of you – and so does the next customer. Voila – 6 feet!
    ***

    [head desk]

    welding update – 8 weeks down, 10 to go. Have been welding vertically and may start overhead soon.

    • JG43

      Make sure you wear a good welding hat

      • zwak

        And your jerkin is tight!

    • blackjack

      I hate overhead welding. Vertical welds work pretty good for me, overhead is just hard to make work.

      • JG43

        Vertical up is ok. Down always gives me trouble

  15. straffinrun

    Is the Capitol all repaired by now or is it still closed like the thousands of businesses destroyed in the riots or shut down by Covid restrictions?

    • blackjack

      You can’t expect Nancy to use a lectern that’s been handled by grubby insurrectionists. That ain’t right!

    • Fourscore

      Waiting on union reps to determine the extent of damage that will require enough supervisors, observers, safety experts and workers to measure the windows to be covered with plywood. These kind of jobs require expertise not readily available. Seminars in Vegas so they’re all on the same sheet of music.

      • straffinrun

        They have the power and incentive to do something and suddenly they are able to get shit done. It’s when it effects the peon that they follow those rules.

    • Lachowsky

      Shut up, bigot

    • creech

      Why repair it? Isn’t there allegedly supposed to be another insurrection on March 4th? Then again July 4th? AT least four times a year?

      • Rat on a train

        March 17th, May 5th, May 31st, …

  16. rhywun

    The Reverse Mortgage with America

    *snort*

    • straffinrun

      My fav line, too.

      • rhywun

        “Hi, I’m Tom Selleck!”

        I won’t be surprised when he’s hawking diabeetus meds in a couple years.

  17. Derpetologist

    random thoughts

    Bertrand Russell made an alternative to Maslow’s hierarchy called the 4 desires: after survival needs are met, people want stuff, attention, status, and power. Power is the most coveted and its only use is to coerce people.

    In any group, your choices are conform, suffer, or leave. Depending on the group, you will get more or less wiggle room on the conforming part.

    The word minister comes from the word minus, meaning less in Latin. Minister means lesser [person] and is a synonym for servant. Pastor means shepherd in Latin. Sinus means bend and sinister means left in Latin. The literal meaning of sinister is more bent.

    ROMANARES EVNT DOMVS

    • Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

      I am Dexter and Sinister, meaning ambidextrous, you right handers are all crippled,

    • blackjack

      The surprising part is minister. I always have viewed it as giving aid to. Seems counter to the idea of the minister being lesser. As opposed to catholic priests, who were more likely giving aids to, but that’s a different story.

    • Rat on a train

      ROMANES not ROMANARES
      It felt appropriate to correct you.

  18. Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

    Heat tape and a dripping faucet below ten degrees, that is all,
    and -20 windshield washer fluid, Semis suck!

    • Don escaped Qanon

      Gordilocks hardest hit

  19. Derpetologist

    sneak peak for next week

    ***

    Jason Vorhees Will Exchange Hockey Mask for MAGA Hat in New Film

    LOS ANGELES – “Run, Stacey! He’s not wearing a mask and he’s a Trump supporter!” shrieks a terrified actress in a recently released clip of the new film.
    ***

    Give me your funny headline ideas.

    • straffinrun

      Biden Declares that from now on January 6th Will be Friday the 13th.

      • Brochettaward

        Making January 6th a national day of mourning into perpetuity would be something I could see them actually doing.

      • straffinrun

        Too bad. We could’ve been celebrating Dead Presidents Day.

    • blackjack

      THE COVID IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!

    • The Other Kevin

      Congress passes law banning all ex presidents whose names rhyme with Ronald Crump from holding any kind of office or having anything named after them.

      Congress passes resolution requiring Trump to have hole punched in bowler hat, lapel flower crushed, and umbrella turned inside out.

      • straffinrun

        “ rhyme with Ronald Crump”

        Nice.

      • The Other Kevin

        Is it any crazier than what they’re actually doing?

      • straffinrun

        By any means necessary.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      Kamala Harris’ Fugly Stepdaughter Praised as Beautiful Fashion Icon, Awarded Modeling Contract

      nah, nevermind, too ridiculous. How about:

      AOC Narrowly Escapes Death as Ted Cruz Tracks Her to Cancun But is Forced to Turn Back

  20. blackjack

    I assume this has already been covered here.

    It’s great that we can now tailor a law to one specific person that one specific party is scared to death of because he’s so popular. Or maybe they plan on serialy impeaching all republican presidents from now on.

    • straffinrun

      So, where exactly do they want him buried?

      • The Other Kevin

        He’s already buried in their psyche.

      • blackjack

        They’re not petty at all. This is in no way because they’re scared of his popularity. It’s not because they know that he got a record number of vote, even after they skimmed a bunch off the top. No sir, it’s just important for the “Healing Process.”

      • straffinrun

        Trump had the gall to at least pretend he didn’t despise the working poor and middle class.

      • blackjack

        I think he just looked at his new job as a challenge and did his best to do what he thought presidents do and try and be the best at it. He just didn’t have the decades of experience that would have taught him that presidents don’t actually do any of that. And Trump’s effort worked. If people found out that reducing taxes and regulations would make their lives better, they might want more of that.

      • zwak

        It isn’t decades of experience, no one has it for that job. There is no equivalent experience at any level, except maybe the prime minister of England, something similar. No, it’s that he didn’t have a whole army of people positioned to run interference for him at every level. No friendly media, no friendly bureaucrats, nothing like that.

        He was alone up there, in a way no one had been for decades, centuries maybe.

        And that was his crime. That he showed that anyone could do it, not just people who had been groomed for it their entire life.

      • blackjack

        He showed that NOT having the political experience made him a better president. He merely tried to improve all the things he thought a president could improve. As opposed to the lifers who know what the game is and play it that way. You know, the way that screws us all over.

      • straffinrun

        I like that take, boys.

      • Brochettaward

        Eh, having experience in politics matters when it comes to getting shit done. The Clintons were outsiders from Washington when elected, but when they came into town they brought loyalists with them and by the end of their term they owned the Democratic party (and still did through 2016) and their tentacles stretched throughout the deep state. Trump, being a non-politician had no cronies of that sort to fall back on. He was relying on MIchael fucking Cohen and his children. That was Trump’s political machine, and he couldn’t even count on the loyalty of Cohen when push came to shove.

        So, I don’t know where that takes the experience argument. But Trump never had a serious plan to drain the swamp, as he liked to phrase it.

      • Brochettaward

        He showed that NOT having the political experience made him a better president. He merely tried to improve all the things he thought a president could improve. As opposed to the lifers who know what the game is and play it that way. You know, the way that screws us all over.

        Trump followed his gut and was like a bull in a China shop in terms of dealing with the politics involved in being president. So, that sometimes resulted in good things. Overall, I think he produced more good policy than any president in my lifetime, not that that’s saying much.

        On the other hand, he had no ability to create lasting change in Washington because he had no clue how to play the game you dismiss. Any victories he had were bound to be fleeting. Even if he was re-elected and got two terms, he was a guy whose support came from the blue collar voters. He was despised by the political class and he never brought in his own people to fill key positions or showed a real inclination to create a genuine movement in the GOP (getting people actually loyal to him elected – not just ones who played nice while it was convenient).

        So, long story short, you need someone who will play that game. It’s probably pretty naive if not absolutely hopeless to think we’re going to get a mostly libertarian president who is capable of playing that game while also shrinking the role of government. They’ll never really have the reigns of the machine.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        I’ve imagined what I would do were I somehow elected president.

        Who would be my first call? Who would I try and align with? Who would I hire to be the guys in my circle?

        It sounds fucking horrible, but for some ungodly reason the person I think of first to call is Welch from TOS. Seems like he’s been around long enough to point me in a decent direction, and probably has a long list of guys who are libertarianish, at least on particular topics.

        Rand Paul would almost certainly be my right hand man.

      • zwak

        That is what I mean by someone to run cover for him. The Clintons knew to bring their own people, as they were insiders from a different, albeit smaller system, and all systems of that sort work the same.

        Trump thought those people came with the job, that the R’s who were in position in ’16 wanted to help, as that was what they were selling, but it was bullshit from the get-go.

        And yes, that is something that political experience brings.

      • The Last American Hero

        Welch can be ambassador to NATO, since he fucking loves goddamn NATO so much.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        I don’t think Trump cares about any of that shit. Surely he’ll be buried in some gaudy mausoleum the size of the fucking Taj Mahal.

      • creech

        Unless he does get buried in Arlington, which has some level of security, his gravesite/monument better be guarded 24/7 or it will have swastikas, etc. etc. painted on it continually, vandalized, desecrated and whatever else TDS-addled fascists can dream up.

      • The Last American Hero

        Lincoln gravesite 2.0

    • Ownbestenemy

      The funny thing is…they may have constructed their language in the bill to “not name trump”, but her website specifically says that is why she drafted it while in fear and names Trump.

      Good luck in court with that one. Signal virtue team unite!

      • The Last American Hero

        Penal-Tax laughs at your comment.

    • Brochettaward

      Or maybe they plan on serialy impeaching all republican presidents from now on.

      Ding ding ding we have a winner! The Republicans, being the incompetent spineless fucks that they are, have gone along with this entire charade and given the Democrats another cudgel that only they will be able to employ.

      I love that they went with twice impeached to protect Bill.

      • straffinrun

        Team Red isn’t spineless or incompetent. It is the enabling wing of the corporate elite. Bad cop/Good Cop are both douchebags when enforcing immoral law.

      • Brochettaward

        I defy anyone to explain Mitch McConnell’s actions over the past few months in anyway that isn’t massively conspiratorial (like, the powers that be have dirt on him and he’s their puppet) besides incompetence.

      • straffinrun

        Will he get re-elected? That is how he deems competent behavior.

      • Brochettaward

        I mean, did anything he’s done over the last few months endear him to Republican voters? He resided over a losing strategy and cost himself power (and I think McConnell most definitely cared about his little fiefdom in the Senate). He antagonized Trump’s base.

        McConnell did nothing productive to keep the Senate. It was like he was trying to hand it to the Dems.

      • straffinrun

        Mitch would rather reign in hell.

      • blackjack

        He pissed all over Trump, as soon as he realized that all of his cocktail party friends had done so. Only question is, is Trump as done as McConnel thinks he is? We will see. Either way, it was a dick move. The only redeeming qualities Mcturtle ever showed were directly because of his association with Trump. Trashing that just for suck up points was likely a bad plan.

      • Brochettaward

        He pissed all over Trump, as soon as he realized that all of his cocktail party friends had done so.

        While I do think Mitch’s antagonizing of Trump’s base is a very bad idea for him and the GOP as a whole, it’s not even just that.

        I mean, you are an unprincipled hack who has already caved on spending in massive ways, but you basically let the Dems run on being the party of the $2000 stimulus check. Just cave and cut the checks and likely the GOP retains control in Georgia.

      • blackjack

        Everybody we don’t like should be proclaimed unlikeable. So there!

  21. Derpetologist

    blech – Thomas Frank and Nathan J Robinson gush about Obama

    https://www.currentaffairs.org/2021/02/thomas-frank-on-populism-cool-brands-and-the-problem-with-the-democratic-party

    ***
    TF

    Yeah. Isn’t that uncanny? Everybody knew that Obama was on the rise. You would see him at house parties in the neighborhood.

    NJR

    Whoa.

    TF

    Everybody loved that man. And that’s what people would say about him, always the same thing: “He is going to be president someday.” He was so sharp and he’s—I don’t know if you ever met him—he’s considerably taller than everybody else in the room. And he’s got that incredible smile. I thought he was pretty awesome.

    NJR

    He’s one of the most likeable people that has ever existed.
    ***

    relevant clip – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dudHwko8wY8

    • Brochettaward

      Trump fanatics are pretty cringy. Like, the ones who actually buy his bullshit and thinks he cares about them.

      But the people who gush about Obama remain on another level to me.

    • rhywun

      He’s one of the most likeable people that has ever existed.

      Legit LOL

    • Rat on a train

      I heard he is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. A first for a mainstream black.

    • straffinrun

      What he say? No Twitter on muh phone.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Said sorry for going to Cancun and then groveled that it was a bad idea.

      • Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

        When We’ve lost Ted Cruz….

      • Gustave Lytton

        Which it was, but can’t unring that bell.

      • rhywun

        This is a fair apology. It’s not like he’s going to be canceled.

      • straffinrun

        Yeah, he got cornered by his own inability to admit he was helpless to do anything of value in this case. “Well, WTF could I have done? De ice wind turbines myself?” These govt officials will never admit they are powerless in any situation. Also, if they are gonna lecture us to work from home, what fucking difference does it make if he did it from Cancún or Houston? That bullshit Clintonian “I can feel your pain” is more cringeworthy than a pol who would say “Honestly, I don’t feel your pain”.

      • zwak

        Well, there are some things he can do; help out delivering food to the needy, be on the phone to the people who supply the deicer for the windmills trying to move that forward, work a soup kitchen, things like that. And as he represents the people of Texas, he should be on the ground offering moral support.

        All of which would be sold as a political stunt, but that is the game, and it might mean something to the people of the state.

        But the last thing you do is apologize for having a life. Being human. So he was on vacation? Simply get on the next flight back and put your nose to the grindstone is how you deal with that. It’s part of the job.

        Own the moment.

      • Gustave Lytton

        What makes me shake my head is the obliviousness. My dog has more shame than many of the politicians today. They don’t even try to fake a good game, let along practice it.

      • straffinrun

        Biden unloading boxes. I don’t care. Some people buy that stuff. I don’t care about those people either.

      • Brochettaward

        I mean, it’s poor optics but means fuck all in terms of anything that actually matters. When do you see Democrats enforcing lockdowns and shaming people for traveling getting caught in blatant hypocrisy apologize? They don’t. They blame someone else and deflect.

        It’s like Lyin’ Ted learned nothing from getting his ass kicked by Trump.

      • straffinrun

        “My bad. I didn’t know there were cameras behind the Kanuki curtain.”

      • blackjack

        Well, it was miles away from ordinary.

      • grrizzly

        Was Cruz flying to Cancun or returning from Cancun on Wednesday?

      • grrizzly

        Thursday. Whatever.

      • Brochettaward

        Flying to, apparently. And then he returned when it became a story.

      • grrizzly

        Thanks.

      • Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

        Good call, I won’t click, Fuck them,

    • The Last American Hero

      He should have said, “Sorry. My family and I were going to go “camping” in NW China, but due to COVID travel restrictions we decided to go to Mexico.”

  22. Muzzled Woodchipper

    Sure they will. Just like all those attacks on Inauguration Day.

    Donald Trump’s supporters are allegedly planning a second attack on the US Capitol on 4 March, a Democrat on the House Armed Services Committee has said.

    Adam Smith, the chairman of the committee, told defence officials on Wednesday that QAnon conspiracy theorists and Trump supporters were considering another siege on the Capitol on that day, CNN reported.

    https://news.yahoo.com/trump-supporters-planning-storm-capitol-142048909.html

    • Gustave Lytton

      Obviously there needs to be a permanent force, not those weekend warriors, most of whom are probably cooks. A Pretentious Guard for our rulers.

    • Muzzled Woodchipper

      Donald Trump’s supporters are allegedly planning a second attack on the US Capitol

      For a second attack to occur, wouldn’t a first be necessary?

      • UnCivilServant

        Two attacks in rapid succession?

      • Brochettaward

        What if there had been an actual plan to storm the capital by actual insurrectionists that day? I think that’s the thought that scares these frauds the most. They know they’re lying through their teeth about January 6th, but they are genuinely terrified of how bad it could have been if their enemies were what they are painting them as now.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        Had there been an actual plan, the only person killed wouldn’t have been by a cop, and the body count would be much higher than 2 (and 1 of those was an accidental trampling).

      • Gender Traitor

        a second attack

        Maybe they mean a really short attack – one that only lasts 1/60th of a minute?

  23. straffinrun

    Ramp your cynicism up to 11, comrades. Moar cowbell. An implosion is rarely uninteresting.

  24. creech

    “1 wolf and 2 sheep” ??
    Now days it is more like 1 wolf and 2 sheep voting what’s for dinner, and one of the sheep votes with the wolf cause the wolf has convinced him he’ll never be hungry again once they eat the other sheep.

  25. Hyperion

    LOL, you’re a treasure, Derp. I hope I get the same camp as you do.

  26. Hyperion

    The original hedonism song. If Glibs ever have an anthem, when we take over a planet, or something, this should be it.

    Brought to you in glorious black and white cinematronic 1977 vision.

    You got that right!

    I’ve tried everything in my life, things that I liked, I’ve tried them twice!

    You got that right, bitches and cuntes!

    • Brochettaward

      I’ve tried everything in my life, things that I liked, I’ve tried them twice!

      You mean gay sex, right? Lots and lots of gay sex?

  27. Dr. Fronkensteen

    After 50 years in the Illinois state House Michael Madigan resigns. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

    • IntraveneousWoodChipper

      Show me a 50-year Congresscritter and I will show you a person who never once added value to society in their entire adult life.

  28. Gustave Lytton

    Is it just me or are cars noisier these days? Noticing more and more cars in the evening with louder exhaust/engine noise.

    • Akira

      Are you talking maintenance problems loud, or “I put a stupid fartcan on my car because I’m psychiatrically incapable of running errands without annoying everyone”?

      • Rat on a train

        In addition to the fartcan, don’t forget to put a spoiler on your Honda Fit.

    • hayeksplosives

      My car sneaks up stealthily so that it can devour unwary pedestrians, Monty Python style.

      https://youtu.be/hdhyrPq3Jxc

  29. hayeksplosives

    Picked up my guest from the airport several hours ago. She’d just flown in from Minneapolis.

    She said they’d just implemented new rules about masking, making it EVEN STRICTER. So the kept announcing the new rules ad nausuem about certain face shields not being good enough, certain fabrics being too thin, neck gaiters needing to be doubled, etc.

    It’s time to run Fauci and his ilk out of the country, or at least out of power. I guess it’d be ok to let him stay in the country as long as he had to stand in the public stocks while people pelt him with rotten tomatoes, used Kleenex, and the like. And all business owners who’d gone under can kick him in the ass.

  30. Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

    It’s Friday in Glibville, howdy everybody..

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Yu! It’s a balmy 19 degrees ‘Murcan here. Howzabout ’round your neck of the woods?

      Local news headline: “Breezy with fridged temps today.” ::Kif sigh::

    • Gender Traitor

      ***SIGH!!!*** Now I want Tagalongs.

      At least we have multiple cases of frozen Thin Mints in our prepper stash.

    • Rat on a train

      I wan’t my fake commute to really feel like a pre-COVID experience, so I just go sit in my car for an hour without going anywhere. It feels like the old days of I-95.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Not commuting is by far the best part of working from home. Well, that and wearing pajamas all day and cooking breakfast for lunch.

      • db

        Look at Mr. Succinct, here.

    • db

      I have learned about so many new to me neuroses during the last year! Will I ever have time to try them all?

      Seriously, 1. The absolute worst part of going to work is the commute. It’s completely wasted time. I can’t really spend it thinking about planning my day because everyone else on the highway is trying to kill me. I don’t listen to news or talk radio or podcasts so I get to listen to some music, but frankly I don’t even remember what I’ve listened to.

      2. If you need a break, go take a walk around the neighborhood.

      3. I’ve found a couple of nice things to do in the morning before work: sleep in; spend a half hour sipping a coffee and watching the birds at the feeder; walk around outside a bit

      The one and only good thing that has come out of all this bullshit is that I haven’t had to waste an hour and a half of each day and put 350 miles a week on my car commuting to an office. I’m hoping that my employer sees the value in working from home in a more permanent way. We could save a ton on our office leases.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I don’t think I’d like doing it all the time, I do it a day or two per week to catch up on paperwork, but it definitely has its advantages as you say. My commute’s not even a bad one, a round trip of about 30 miles with little traffic but damn, not having to bother with it is nice.

      • db

        I could see working from home 3-4 days per week. My job requires that I work with our production plant staff, and we have plants around the country and internationally, so a lot of my job is indifferent to where it’s done from already. I could see 1-2 days a week in the office as a reasonable thing going forward.

    • Rat on a train

      If you drink a fifth in one sitting, is that one drink?

    • Gender Traitor

      Morning, UCS.

      • UnCivilServant

        Did you get the emails I sent after you signed off?

      • Gender Traitor

        Yes, thanks! I have one tiny idea I’m getting ready to send to you.

  31. Gender Traitor

    One tiny bit of good news: our local minor league baseball team announced its 2021 schedule yesterday after having last year’s entire season cancelled.

    Now we just have to wait to hear whether anyone will be allowed to attend the games.

    • Tres Cool

      whaddup pimp-juice

    • Rat on a train

      The Fredericksburg Nationals have had an interesting journey. Small city syndrome and all.

      First was the attempt to get a team. The Hagerstown Suns tried first. They had a tentative deal with Fredericksburg that fell through when one partner balked at cost increases. Then they tried to work a deal with Spotsylvania. The proposal for a county owned stadium was assessed as so bad, that the county’s own reviewer said it would be better to just burn the money. There was such a flood of negative public comments on the forum that the pro-stadium organizers demanded comments include name and address to prove you lived in the county. Fortunately the deal collapsed.

      Finally the area was able to get the Potomac Nationals to move down from Woodbridge to a stadium in Fredericksburg. The team built the stadium, but the city has contracted as an anchor tenant for $1.05 million per year for 30 years. The were supposed to start play in 2020, but the season was delayed and then canceled. They are scheduled to open in May. They were hit with more bad news when they were told they have to drop form High-A to Low-A or give up their affiliation with the Washington Nationals. What a deal.

      • Gender Traitor

        Sorry to hear that. Former Reds owner Marge Schott tried to keep a team out of Dayton for a long time but happily failed. 2019 was the Dragons’ 20th season. I think they started as the Reds’ High-A affiliate but were switched to Low-A when the powers that be figured out the fans would flock to the games regardless. The baseball hasn’t been great, but it’s always a fun experience – and overall a HUGE success from a business standpoint.

        This year, we’ll be back to High-A, so we may get better baseball.

      • Rat on a train

        The stadium is in the city so I dodged the worst. They probably raised some taxes on businesses in Central Park, but I avoid going there.

  32. Festus

    Good Mornin’! Friday Mornin’! I think I might be ill. My lower extremities are not working quite right and I barely made it through last night’s shift. Probably just a bad bit of potato but we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

    • Festus

      Chills and sneezing, lower back ache. Uh-oh.

  33. Tres Cool

    sup ya’all

    TALL CANS all present and accounted for!

    • Festus

      I’m short-canning with trepidation. Shit, I have a shift tonight.

      • Festus

        K-k-k Kovid’s K-k-k Koming to K-k-k Kill me!

      • Rat on a train

        Covid or Karens?

      • Festus

        I’d take the former if I had my druthers.

      • Festus

        Probably just getting run down. I’ve been working 6-7 days a week since November.

      • db

        Don’t eat the green ones. They’re not ripe yet.