Black Physicists Discover Smallest Particle of Black Lives Matter

by | Feb 8, 2021 | Satire | 213 comments

OAKLAND – “We are now one step closer to completing Grand Funk Unified Theory, also known as The Notorious G.U.T.” said project director Dr. Marijuana Pepsi. The particle has been named the garyon in honor of Gary Coleman, the late actor famous for his role on Diff’rent Strokes. “This discovery could also be the key to converting Black Lives Matter into Black Lives Energy, but not before we determine the garyon’s charge, spin, and pronouns.” she added.

Meanwhile, Dr. Joanna Gambolputty has been researching Ultraviolet Privilege, a non-ionizing form of prejudice emitted from golf paraphernalia. “We’re not sure whether it flows from the person to the object or vice-versa. It’s possible that the mechanism is similar to the way a the dipole of a pimp’s cane becomes aligned with its owner’s field, for a pimp’s field is very different from that of a square.”

Elsewhere, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored Particles has hailed the discovery of the garyon and demanded that at least three of the Standard Model’s 17 particles be derived from Black Lives Matter. “It’s high time we have a conceptual framework of the universe that looks like America” said NAACP spokesman and nudism advocate Oliver Klozoff. “The garyon is funky-mental to our understanding of nature. Uhuru!” The first subatomic particle of Black Lives Matter discovered, the marion baryon, was not incorporated into the Standard Model as it has thus far only been detected in cocaine.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

213 Comments

  1. rhywun

    ?? Bravo

  2. Yusef drives a Kia

    Oh hell yea! Bravo!

  3. DEG

    the marion baryon, was not incorporated into the Standard Model as it has thus far only been detected in cocaine.

    Heh.

  4. pistoffnick

    “… the marion baryon, was not incorporated into the Standard Model as it has thus far only been detected in cocaine.”

    Bitch quarks set me up! or down!

    • westernsloper

      That got a *snort out of me.

    • rhywun

      Charming!

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        If Swiss were here, he’d be spinning.

      • limey

        He’s not positively charged right now

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        One might say his outlook has decayed.

      • Not Adahn

        Quark puns can be strange.

      • mindyourbusiness

        But are these top puns?

      • blackjack

        Crack puns, you could say.

  5. Tundra

    Excellent, Derpey!

  6. The Bearded Hobbit
  7. westernsloper

    I might carry some garyon because I say, “what you talkin bout?” a bit too much. But I appropriated that back when the show was on and we were doing the whole trying to achieve the whole color free/content of character society back then. Some how they convinced the masses that was nonsense. Fuck the masses I am still doing it.

    • rhywun

      Can you imagine a network today depicting some rich white guy raising two streetwise black children?! My god, the internet would blow up from the reaction.

      • Suthenboy

        Who knows? We have so many assholes playing white savior it is unbelievable.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        The father would have to grovel for their forgiveness because of his ancestral guilt on every other episode.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The cartoon episode would be a little different with Arnold learning what a vanilla he is and how he needs to submit.

    • The Other Kevin

      Watch it, Dwayne.

    • Muzzled Woodchipper

      I appropriated that back when I was exactly the person they were marketing and producing the show for.

  8. Suthenboy

    The only problem is that real life lefty gibberish is about on par with this.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      +100 grams of neuromelanin

  9. limey

    Black lives energy is just black physicists’ fancy way of saying that they don’t understand jive gravity.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Cut em some slack jack.

      • pistoffnick

        Jive ass dude’s ain’t got no brains anyhow!

    • KSuellington

      Smack ‘em, yak ‘em!

  10. rhywun

    I read some of this in this guy’s voice.

  11. Suthenboy

    Anything know anything about the Soviet/Nazi show trial the senate is having? Has it started yet?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Tomorrow

      As far as I can tell, it’s going to be a parade of pusillanimous psychopaths relating stories of terror from that fateful day when none of them received so much as a friendly slap on the ass.

      • Brochettaward

        Next time, now that we know that anything done by people to the right of Maoists is going to be depicted as domestic terrorism and insurrection, they might as well actually hang a few of these cunts from lamp posts.

      • Suthenboy

        I just glanced over at some of the news outlets. Trust me on this….dont do that.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Trust me, I won’t be doing that.

        Getting pissed off doesn’t help you go to sleep.

      • pistoffnick

        “Getting pissed off doesn’t help you go to sleep.”

        Story of my life, homeboy.

      • rhywun

        If the not-Dems had a nut to share between them they’d declare the whole thing an unconstitutional farce and walk out of the chamber.

      • creech

        The local paper had an op-ed columnist who questioned whether AOC’s harrowing tale was completely accurate. The newspaper, which rarely runs any “letters to the editor,” has now run three letters from irate women along the line of “how dare you question the narrative of any women who ever underwent a sexual assault.”

      • The Last American Hero

        Which is precisely why she fabricated the sex-assault claim in the last 2 weeks, and not during #METOO.

        Anybody that goes after her BS is now “picking on a rape survivor”.

      • Brochettaward

        She already had the retard victim card to play. Now she has the sexual assault one, too? Just make her president now.

    • pistoffnick

      Very nice! I bow to your depth of funkitude.

      Ima gonna go tighten up my stroke, now.

  12. db

    RC Dean:

    My employer is based in western PA; we have lots of HQ and manufacturing employees who live in OH and WV who commute to PA. I live in a different county than our HQ, but technically work out of HQ. We are required to pay a county head tax for the privilege of working in Allegheny county. The employer collects it, so we can’t even elect not to write a check.

    • westernsloper

      ^in a just world this would be illegal.

      • db

        aye

    • rhywun

      I pay taxes to NJ and my company is not headquartered there, I don’t work there, I don’t live there, and I have not entered the state in over a year. But lo! My office – which I have never visited – is there.

      • UnCivilServant

        Does your office you’ve never been to have a door?

      • rhywun

        LOL I don’t have my “own” office. I assume it’s a cubicle within the office, so… no door. I have no intention of visiting before mask theater is over, either.

        *I should add that this is the same company that fired me in 2018 and so technically, I have been to that office – since I did work there for four years – but it wasn’t relevant to the current discussion.

      • Chafed

        Pay attention to New Hampshire v. Massachusetts in the Supreme Court. You might just get some relief.

      • Rat on a train

        Whether Massachusetts’ tax rule — which subjects nonresident earned income received for services performed outside Massachusetts to the state’s income tax — is unconstitutional confiscation.

        WTF?

    • creech

      My daughter is in the same boat, City of Phila. Her employer simply stopped collecting city wage tax for all those employees who live outside the city and are WFH.

    • The Last American Hero

      So if you start an Onlyfans page and some Jersey boys or Yinzers are wanking to you, do you pay state sales tax where you are based or where the wankers are based?

      • Rat on a train

        everywhere!

  13. Not Adahn

    Fess up. You came up with the garyon and wrote the rest of this so you could use it.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I think it’s actually gayryons. You know, the stuff they put in the Covid vaccines.

  14. db

    Oh, Bravo, sir!

  15. DenverJ

    I’m not here yet, but wanted to share a link before I forgot. I linked it because I thought you all might like it. By the time I get back to this thread, it will be hrs.
    Oh, hi everybody!

    • westernsloper

      Hi DJ!……the link is a little deep for my pre-dinner/cocktail hour glibbining. TLDR yet.

    • Brochettaward

      I take it that The Atlantic won’t be pushing his new work on their platform.

      • rhywun

        He’s long been a “centrist” of sorts. I’m sure they know what they’re getting into.

    • DenverJ

      I’m almost here. This is the intellectual polar opposite.

      • DenverJ

        Well that’s the same damn link! Try this.

      • But Enough About [this space intentionally left blank]

        Who was it that said that Donald Trump really is a real estate genius, ’cause he’s living rent-free in the heads of millions of leftist Americans?

        The author is proof positive of that.

      • DenverJ

        Me. I said that. Months and years ago.

    • Chafed

      Hi DenverJ! Thanks for the link. I love John McWhorter. I don’t always agree with him but he makes me think.

    • pistoffnick

      Nice, Fourscore,. That and Chain Gang were in heavy rotation while I was growing up.

      https://youtu.be/kDq-AjPtU6Q

  16. kinnath

    Not funk

    My new obsession The Main Squeeze

    • straffinrun

      Nice. That guy’s voice is killer. Didn’t expect it to be so high judging from his appearance.

  17. Brochettaward

    The only thing more pathetic than the supposed Firsting around here is the taste in music.

    • UnCivilServant

      You’re the only one who subjects yourself to us.

      Admit it, you like us better than you want to admit.

    • pistoffnick

      So you admit that Firsting is pathetic? ;^)

      Meanwhile, honky, the solution to speech music you don’t like, is more speech music you do like.

      Post ’em up!

      • pistoffnick

        Meanwhile, I’m gettin’ funked up.

      • Brochettaward

        Firsting is the proudest thing one can do. There’s nothing pathetic about it when done right. You are all just doing it wrong. When I reclaim my throne, I will show you all the way. Like Superman or Jesus I will guide you to the light.

      • UnCivilServant

        I bet if you try you could be more wrong than the statements you just made, but it will be difficult.

      • db

        You are truly the Rygel XVI of Firsting

      • Chafed

        Great reference db!

    • straffinrun

      Is your avatar butchering the horse that you beat to death?

    • Tres Cool

      Those 2 backup singers ? Would & Would. Heartily.

  18. Tres Cool

    | You know who else had black energy?

    Betty Davis

    So funky, I may have to eat some Speed Stick

  19. Tulip

    Included in my Christmas box o’meat are pork short ribs. Suggestions for how to cook them?

    • blackjack

      Grill over fire until they are somewhat blackened on the outside and all white on the inside. Lots of sauce, too.

    • Tres Cool

      I met a woman from craigslist with the same handle- box o’meat

      • Mojeaux

        Speaking of women and Craigslist, you should publish some of your ads.

      • Tres Cool

        Ya think? Its kind of a niche audience. I wish I would have saved the replies I got- they honestly got me laid a lot.

        #RIP_CLPersonals

      • Chafed

        I’m sure they are hilarious. You have to post them.

    • Tulip

      Maybe I’ll ask the neighbor to smoke them.

      • Tres Cool

        In a bowl or bong ?

    • db

      Korean BBQ. Buy a small hibachi grill to put in the center of your outdoor table, or get some granite stones or cast iron blocks you can heat to 700+ degF to let each diner cook the thinly sliced meat themselves.

    • KSuellington

      Dry rub, slow bake for 4-5 hours and then finish on grill with sauce. Serve with extra sauce, cole slaw and corn bread to sop up the extra sauce.

      • Tulip

        Hmm

      • KSuellington

        And dill pickle spears.

        Dry rub is salt, garlic powder, dried onion, paprika, black pepper, and brown sugar. Fall off the bone goodness.

      • db

        What temp? about 225F?

      • KSuellington

        Yup.

      • db

        I may just try that. I have a bunch of short ribs from a beef I bought last year…

      • Playa Manhattan

        Easy, effective, foolproof, and delicious.

    • R C Dean

      Sous vide, if you’re geared up for it.

    • Playa Manhattan

      Pork short ribs? How are they cut?

  20. Plinker762

    –24 in Nodak this am and still not a face mask to be seen.

    • Fourscore

      Were they wearing masks under neath their scarves? That covered their faces?

      • Plinker762

        Scarves? It wasn’t that cold.

  21. straffinrun

    Wonderful, Derp. Can’t wait to see the woke version of The Manhattan Project. Don’t know if this counts as Funk, but I luv it.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CyGw0PoH2vU

    • Tres Cool

      “16th century canal ring”

      Boy, did I misread that one

  22. Aloysious

    I snort-laughed.

    “…spokesman and nudism advocate…”

    I flashed on Peter Sellers in A Shot in the Dark, and his conversation with Turk.

    https://youtu.be/6uAIbLLSniw?t=42

    • pistoffnick

      That bass line!

      • pistoffnick

        I’m all about that slap bass, no treble.

      • db

        Nothing compares to Tony Levin’s bass line in this song.

      • pistoffnick

        I remember the exact moment I first saw that video. We were all at the Blue Goose Bar (not it’s real name, run by Jim and Phyllis) in North Central Minnesota. It was a place known for serving under-age punks (which I was):

        “You boys aren’t 18 are you?”
        “No.”
        “Well, don’t tell anybody.”
        *narrator* They told everyone. The marketing campaign was brilliant!

  23. Tulip

    Is it Friday yet? Because, man, this week.

    • UnCivilServant

      ‘fraid not.

      I have friday off (decided I wanted a long weekend) and I worked today.

      • Tulip

        It’s President’s Day Monday, so it is already a long weekend.

      • UnCivilServant

        why do you think I took friday off too?

        Four-day weekend!

      • rhywun

        I don’t get Presidents Day but I did decide to take off next Monday just because.

    • straffinrun

      Same. I’m procrastinating doing paperwork that I should’ve done a week ago and now I really don’t wanna do it because I’m late.

    • The Last American Hero

      It better not be. I gotta shit-ton to get done before Friday.

      • rhywun

        January was crazy AF like in many offices. February is a breeze so far. In fact, we got so much done in January that the suits don’t have enough work lined up for us right now.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I wish it was like that. Project deadline is Friday and it’s still a total shitshow. Actually Friday is the regulatory due date so the softish want to have it done due date is Wednesday, which I don’t think we re going to make.

      • rhywun

        Well it’s not like there’s nothing to do – it’s just that the stuff to do is a lot of stuff that nobody wants to do like “documentation” ?

      • db

        Frell that.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Not wanting to dot i’s and cross t’s is why we keep finding things not right.

  24. slumbrew
  25. slumbrew

    I’m in a rented beach house on the tip of Cape Cod, sitting in front of a fire, drinking wine.

    I could get used to this.

    Sadly, have to leave in the morning and back to the grind on Wednesday.

    • Tundra

      Sounds perfect. Enjoy!

    • db

      That sounds awesome. I spent almost 2 months in Orleans nearly 20 years ago during February-March–I had nearly nothing to do, but my employer was paying me to be there just in case our client needed me on site. I had a decent suite with a gas log fireplace and basically played video games and proofread other people’s reports the whole time, when I wasn’t wandering around the cape freezing my ass off and looking for open restaurants.

    • Chafed

      You got just the tip?

      How is Provincetown?

  26. DenverJ

    Just read the article. Pretty sure that it is rascist as fuck.

    • straffinrun

      Always a wise interpretation.

  27. UnCivilServant

    “Spindelkirka” would be the more Swedish form of the placename ‘Spiderchurch’, but the English-speaker in me keeps wanting to switch it to “Spindlekirk”.

    • UnCivilServant

      Which one sounds better? It’s for a placename in Snaerveldi.

      • rhywun

        Spindlekirk is too obviously olde Brittania.

    • straffinrun

      Spindlekirka.

      • UnCivilServant

        I can never tell when you’re being serious or sarcastic.

      • straffinrun

        In that case, no way for me to assure you either way.

    • one true athena

      you could drop letters (e.g. Spinekirka) or mutate a later (Spindelgurg) to make it stray from the root, if you want something that has corrupted over time?

      • one true athena

        *mutate a LETTER.

        jfc I’m not even on my phone, I have no excuse

  28. DrOtto

    Regarding R.C. Dean’s comment on the previous article regarding the simplicity of electric vs. IC drivetrains on modern vehicles. While the motor and transmissions are simpler by virtue of having fewer moving parts, climate control and battery temperature control are much more intricate on EV as the battery temperature aspect is a full time job even if the car is not “running.” On an IC, a non-functioning climate control can be ignored for the most part. On an EV, it needs to work to keep the battery from overheating in the summer or freezing in the winter. The Fiat 500e is a good example of the latter. Chrysler/ Fiat has simply been buying them back when the batteries die due to freezing temperatures because the replacement cost under warranty exceeds the value of the car.

    • DenverJ

      Yeah, but you didn’t price in the thrill of sitting on a bomb that could go off any minute. I mean, how do you even price that?

      • DrOtto

        To be fair, a gas tank provides plenty of punch under the right circumstances.

    • R C Dean

      See, I knew somebody here would have actual knowledge.

      • Brochettaward

        I have lots of knowledge about stuff. Lots of knowledge.

      • zwak

        And many girlfriends in the Niagra Falls area.

        You don’t know them…

  29. Chafed

    Bravo Derpe! If you aren’t already moonlighting for The Babylon Bee then you should be.

    Marijuana Pepsi could be a character name in Idiocracy. *kisses both of Derpetologist’s cheeks*
    *snaps in Z pattern*

  30. Gender Traitor

    What a breakthrough! The discovery of the garyon gives us hope that the as-yet only hypothetical emmanuellewon may also be found!

    And I confess I haven’t every link already posted tonight, but IMO no discussion of funk is complete without this.

  31. Playa Manhattan

    I’m watching the New York Times documentary on Brittany Spears.

    Never in my life have I seen so many morons in one place at one time.

    • Chafed

      Starting with the producer?

      • Playa Manhattan

        Yes.

        And people who don’t even bother to understand what the purpose of a conservatorship is, but are interviewed as “experts”.

      • Chafed

        Sounds like I would be pulling my hair out after 5 minutes. It’s good to see the NYT maintain their standards.

    • straffinrun

      Gluttony for punishment? Grey Labia explains the Shaved Labia.

    • Brochettaward

      15 years? You never know when the next Republican/Hitler could be elected.

      • Brochettaward

        And I’m serious on that. The Republicans, being the stupid party that they are, are helping to normalize impeachment as a political tool. It’d be stupid to assume they’re just going to pull it out against Trump now that they got away with it once. Republicans should refuse to even participate in this.

  32. hayeksplosives

    Nice work there, derp.

    Changing the names and nature of scientific particles might be factually inaccurate, but it’s morally true.

    We jest about it now like it’s extreme hyperbole, but what is to stop the wokesters from rewriting particle physics next?

  33. hayeksplosives

    I realize I’m dead thread humping now at this late hour, but I was musing about the limit of political correctness in what is taught.

    Certainly wokesters have overhauled history, sociology, arts, and to some extent psychology in their content and areas of emphasis.

    But what about medicine? When doctors are in the diagnosis phase, birth gender can be an important clue. This can be due to genetics in recessive sex-linked diseases, what internal organs a person has, hormones, possibility of pregnancy etc.

    Do doctors let trans patients declare their preferred gender, but then keep a secret “birth gender” box ticked somewhere in that barcode?

    There are even some trends that are race linked (osteoporosis more likely in Caucasian and “North Asian”, African ancestry making sickle cell anemia more likely, or merely the malaria resistance conferred by a single sickle gene). There are even different recommended medications By race.

    In pharmaceutical trials, they use white males in order to reduce the number of variables and to make sure they don’t mess up any eggs parked there in the ovaries.

    If a transman signed up for a clinical trial of a new drug, do you think he/she would be accepted?

    If medicine becomes more Woke, we’re all going to get less safe,

    • robodruid

      I imagine medicine will be focused on your DNA scan?

      • UnCivilServant

        Nope, they will be focused on rating your priviledge score via craniometrics and mealanodensity.

    • R C Dean

      Medicine is going woke, ‘splosives. New docs are trained in (collectivist) “population health”. Gender, not necessarily sex, is entered into your medical record. Clinical trials are supposed to be “representative of the community”. Etc.

  34. Tres Cool

    Oh, the joys of 3rd shift lifestyle and gettin’ a d̵a̵y̵ night off.
    Im drunk, cleanin tha crib, and listening to coast-to-coast AM talkin about “energy vampires”

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Oh the joy of waking at 430, no tall cans…..

    • Sean

      Mornin y’all

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, Glibboys.

      • Tres Cool

        I got regular cans, but like 60 of ’em

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Wheee haaaa!

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      I personally know that the Glibs Dont suck,
      Howdy Sean,

      • Sean

        Mornin’

  35. Tres Cool

    suh’ fam

    Up all night, watching the snoo

    • Tres Cool

      Some sun would be nice.

    • Gender Traitor

      Glad you didn’t need to be out in it. Looks as if it’s mainly passed to the east. (Lookin’ at you, PA & NY,)

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Finally stopped here, clear roads and 10 degrees, work awaits, Cheeers peeps,

      • Gender Traitor

        Stay warm!

  36. Sean
  37. UnCivilServant

    🙁 I overslept. I ended up having to connect to work even before looking at glibs or saying morning.

    • Sean

      I had to get up and drive my ass to work. It’s cold out.

      /frowny face

      At least I have heated seats.

      • UnCivilServant

        Not getting up in time is still a mark of shame. Even if my commute is short.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning anyway. : )

      • UnCivilServant

        First Impressions of the Governor and Sveta Udir?

    • Ownbestenemy

      For what? That needs to flood the courtrooms

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      “Everyone knows that simply wearing a mask dramatically reduces the spread of COVID-19.”

      ? Any fule no.

      Thanks for the red-dirt report, OBE.