Jason Vorhees Will Exchange Hockey Mask for MAGA Hat in New Film

by | Feb 22, 2021 | Satire | 242 comments

LOS ANGELES – “Run, Stacey! He’s not wearing a mask and he’s a Trump supporter!” shrieks a terrified actress in a recently released clip of the new film. “We’re taking the series in a different but relevant direction for the new normal as we build back better” said writer, director, and producer Joanna Gambolputty.

Test screenings have gotten rave reviews from the so-called “Karen” demographic, according to Gambolputty. “Historically, slasher films have been a niche market. We’re working hard to reach fresh audiences, and it turns out the most scrupulous mask wearers are the easiest to scare” added Gambolputty as she sanitized her hands and put another mask on top of the other two.

If successful, there could be similar reboots with other masked killers such as Ghostface and Michael Myers. “I’m really excited about a reboot of the Saw movies where mask and social distancing scofflaws are tormented appropriately for their crimes against the common good” said Gambolputty.

Mask, the working title of another film, features Jim Carey in gritty reboot of the 1994 fantasy comedy. “I have many irons in the fire, and this my favorite” said Gambolputty. “It’s basically the Omega Man, but with a sole survivor who is kept safe by proper masking. Xe fights against zombie ‘covidiots’ who are bent on thwarting xer transition” explained Gambolputty.

Meanwhile, the creators of The Purge have announced a reboot featuring a terrifying world where people don’t wear masks for one day a year. The working title is “Panic!”

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

242 Comments

  1. westernsloper

    Build back better is the dumber than make america great again. We are led by idiots.

    • Brochettaward

      We are a country of idiots, so it’s fitting.

      Also, waste of a First.

      • westernsloper

        I don’t play your stupid game.

      • Brochettaward

        Firsting is no game. It is a life and death struggle.

      • Tulip

        You are so weird

      • Brochettaward

        I’m abnormal. I’m First.

      • juris imprudent

        You’re half-assed, you don’t first on every single post, like your godfather, Fist of Etiquette. Now that was a dedicated Firster.

      • zwak

        Truly seminal.

      • Brochettaward

        Fist of Etiquette is a cheater. A lowlife fraud. A disgrace to the concept of Firsting. He should be hung from a lamppost for his crimes.

      • KromulentKristen

        Brochett = FofE

      • Flawgic

        It’s easy being first. Being last is nearly impossible.

    • westernsloper

      Yes. The dumber.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      Almost as good as Win The Future.

      • juris imprudent

        Whip Inflation Now!

  2. Scruffy Nerfherder

    Bravo. Quite believable actually.

    In other derp news, a copy from the dead thread…

    Dammit. Son’s high school is going to random surveillance COViD testing. I was afraid they would. Now I’ve got to go toe to toe with them and fight it. So utterly fucking stupid.

    In their effort to try to get compliance, they’re going to shut themselves down because of the false positive rate. Idiots.

    • westernsloper

      The testing of kids is the most idiotic thing out of all of this. We do it here several times a week where I work. “Were you in contact with……xyz?” You need to get tested! We gave up on the #science months ago.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        We’ve lost our minds. I’m doubting my commitment to living in this country any more.

      • westernsloper

        As others have posed the question: Where is the better one?

      • db

        At the moment, none. However, as the various advantages of the USA get stripped away, especially RKBA, there are plenty of other places that look comparatively as good or better.

      • westernsloper

        I know of a few that the RKBA is a right, if not written, just understood and ya, I wont live there for less than a lot of money being sent to my bank account on a monthly basis for services rendered. As far as living and being part of society I am thinking eastern European places might become the new renaissance. Those folks know. Also Venezuela in a few years. That place is going to crash and crash hard. Bodies on lamp posts in the end and I don’t blame them one bit.

      • db

        Yeah, I think Venezuela might have some potential once it has a final reckoning with its socialist masters. I wonder how Venezuelans would react to an influx of new people–would they be treated as contributors or carpetbaggers?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        I’m thinking somewhere where the stakes aren’t so high.

        There are disadvantages to moving away from the center of global power, but there are advantages too.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        The RKBA makes the US unique. Once that goes away (and it’s going away) then many more countries rise to the “acceptable” level.

      • juris imprudent

        From what I could tell Chile’s laws on guns were pretty reasonable (given not a RKBA domain). There is just a lot of uncertainty how that all is going to play out here in the next couple of years. If they don’t go totally stupid (a la Venezuela) it may re-stablize.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        The RKBA is the only remaining advantage. If that changes, and it’s clear that’s where we’re headed, a lot of places become possibilities, particularly Eastern Europe where perhaps not a right in the way we understand them, owning guns is a big part of their current socio-political culture.

    • Muzzled Woodchipper

      They need to keep up the appearance that schools need to be closed.

  3. Gustave Lytton

    Mask is the Cher film. The Mask is the Carrey vehicle. A gritty version of the former might be interesting.

  4. blackjack

    No love for the real mask movie?

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      I got to the punchline and closed the tab. I like my blood pressure in the healthy range.

    • westernsloper

      Let’s unravel it.

      Let’s not. DGAF

    • blackjack

      Fucking retards. I once bought a ’74 nova for 500.00 through the local paper. I resold it about 4 days later for 1200.00. The newspaper included the license plate as part of the text of the ad. Dude who bought it, decided to THEN see what they go for, after he already had it. He found the ad that I bought it from and showed up at my door screaming for my head. I told him that he could have bought it for what I paid, but he didn’t. He didn’t have to buy it for the price I asked, he chose to. He grumbled and finally walked away. This was late eighties. Fucking make your decision before you part with your fucking money assholes.

      • Fourscore

        I worked the used book business, same story. I explained that I had to pay wholesale prices in order to sell retail and that we never held a gun to anyone’s head for them to sell to us. 95% of the customers were happy with the transaction, 5 % went down the street to another dealer and then came back with the junk the other guy didn’t want. WE didn’t want it either, by that time.

      • zwak

        Yep. I still scout for good books, and I am the one putting the time, gasoline and building knowledge of what is what.

        These people are idiots.

    • EvilSheldon

      ‘The problems of the world [are] on our shoulders…’

      Shall I send for your fainting couch, Princess?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        If that’s a true statement, we’re all fucked.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        “It is incumbent upon us to make up the problems of the world, then make you live in our fantasy, while paying for the privilege for us to fix those problems.”

    • Tulip

      I buy a lot of stuff at thrift shops. I often do gift baskets at Christmas, so I’ll get baskets at a thrift shop then add homemade cookies, wine, tea etc depending on who it’s for. Little Christmas plates, add cookies and wrap and you have something for the book club, etc. Plus all my vases for flowers and all my serving bowls came from thrift shops. They can shove their guilt.

      • Tulip

        My ultra cool Lucite chairs came from a resale shop. I still regret not being able to buy some seating from a planetarium.

      • Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

        I’m furnishing little house with thrift shop things, just the right touches, tables, chairs, and a sort of fainting couch, quite pretty,here,
        https://photos.app.goo.gl/9wvQFu9hGe2GTc9x9

      • Tulip

        Nice, and fun to find things that are a little bit funky. I would totally use fabric paint on that little bench and make it funky.

      • Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

        I bought some lilac throw pillows to fill it out, and a Mandarin coffee table, 16 inches high and 32 square, funky and cool,

      • Tulip

        Nice

      • Fourscore

        Looks comfy to me, Yusef

      • Tulip

        And now I want to go thrifting

      • KromulentKristen

        You ever go in the little shop by 711?

      • Tulip

        Yes! And when my mom visited, that’s where she went for books. Also the Goodwill up the street by the offstore

      • Tulip

        Office Max. Not offstore

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        They can shove their guilt.

        I hope there is somebody in each of these girl’s lives that loves them enough to tell them to shove their self-righteous guilt trip right up their ass.

  5. rhywun

    The working title is “Panic!”

    LOL

  6. DEG

    “I’m really excited about a reboot of the Saw movies where mask and social distancing scofflaws are tormented appropriately for their crimes against the common good” said Gambolputty.

    Barf.

    • rhywun

      Too realistic. I like some fantasy in my movies.

  7. limey

    When is Disney going to greenlight a Big Bertha movie/series? It seems like now is the opportune time to ride the “morbidly obese is healthy” train straight to money town. A “body positive” super-sized heroine like that will surely be a hit with both pre-diabetic teenage girls, and John from TOS.

    • creech

      Haven’t you seen “This is Us?”

    • Fourscore

      Does anyone really watch “My 600 lb Life”. The title gives me the creeps

      • Chafed

        My wife and it should.

    • EvilSheldon

      It can be hard to thread the Proggie needle between ‘Erasing’ and ‘Fetishizing’.

    • C. Anacreon

      Maybe if not Big Bertha, they could reboot “Little Lotta”, a jumbo-sized girl who had many obesity hijinks, a massive appetite, and plus-size cartoon adventures. From Harveytoons, who also brought you Casper the friendly ghost and Spooky, the Tuff Little Ghost.

  8. westernsloper

    I was way heavy on the candied jalepenos in my corn bread topping for my chili last night. My bowels were a little aggravated this morning. The term burning bung is not unreasonable. I make dumb decisions at times when cooking but I have never chugged a pint of Blue Curacao and then pissed myself so I have that going for me.

    • Tulip

      I am so sorry I left early.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      I might have to join one of these Zooms one day. Just for the entertainment value.

      • westernsloper

        It is a beautiful opera of nerdism (not me, I am cool), drunkeness, false accusations, and assholiness mixed with some nice conversation. I really appreciate them because those people seem normal to me and the people I work with are………..the people I work with.

      • Ownbestenemy

        ^^ this…wait…I am no nerd!

      • KromulentKristen

        because those people seem normal to me

        Fuck off

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        The entertainment value is extremely high.

        5 Stars. Would watch again.

      • UnCivilServant

        If only it aired at a more convenient time.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        Where are you at?

        Saturday’s zoom was almost 11 hours long!

      • UnCivilServant

        Long graveyard shift.

      • UnCivilServant

        I mean, doesn’t it start at 10pm?

    • blackjack

      I get burritos at work from a place that has some serious habanero salsa. I use it, but by the drop. Once I wiped up some that spilled and later, blew my nose with the napkin. That shit hurt!

      • Tulip

        My habanero hot sauce has a nice kick, but not too much. I attribute it to being fermented. I’m making a lot more this year.

      • blackjack

        Yeah, this stuff’s greenish yellow and way up there on the scale. I eat a lot of chilis, so I’m not being a scaredy cat. It’s pretty serious. Not as much as the red stuff I get at the other place, but still up there. I think it might be a hybrid, maybe.

      • Ownbestenemy

        A person that can incorporate heat but keep it tasty is a god/goddess.

        I dont want to lose feeling in my taste buds I want them to want more.

      • Tulip

        I’ll have to send you hot sauce this year. If there’s any left after the neighbors take some

    • Creosote Achilles

      I have a controversial opinion; you got what you deserved. The only thing that belongs in cornbread is cornbread. People adding things to it…what next? Pineapples?

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Skittles

      • Brochettaward

        Cornbread is trash food. Always too dry.*

        *Has only ever had cornbread in the Army and jail.

      • Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

        Try mine, it’s the Bee’s Knees,

      • Mojeaux

        I love cornbread, but you’re not wrong about the dryness.

        But that’s why God made butter.

      • westernsloper

        I turned my attempt at a Texas red into a chili bake with cornbread topping. If you don’t at least put cheese in that you are failing. I went a bit heavy on the jalepenos. Bad judgement but not the worst in my life so all good.

  9. Gustave Lytton

    Read the regional catholic rag for the first time in a while. Unbelievable apologetic, both the paper and church leadership, towards abortion and pro abortion politicians. And the social justice advocacy would make Mother Jones pause. Unbelievable how quickly things fell apart.

    Related, I noticed how Netflix is pushing their Catholic Church sex scandal. I don’t think it’s by chance. The best propaganda uses truth at the heart of it.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      The old school commies must be seething. Decades of getting nowhere and then the social justice warriors upend our entire society in under twenty years.

    • Brochettaward

      Related, I noticed how Netflix is pushing their Catholic Church sex scandal. I don’t think it’s by chance. The best propaganda uses truth at the heart of it.

      Propaganda?

  10. blackjack

    My kid want’s to see Frisco ( that’s what us greasy bikers call it) and now, we’re heading up to Santa Rosa to help the niece plan her wedding. Really looking forward to it. I went when I was about his age. We’re also going to see a place my parents took us to hide out from the law back in ’77, Guerneville. I floated around on that river smoking pot, on a home built raft made out of inner tubes and pallets all summer that year. I’m just excited to get away. I feel like this song. Then, it’s off to Florida in June for the actual wedding.

    • Brochettaward

      the niece

      Would?

      • blackjack

        You wouldn’t be the first.

      • Brochettaward

        I’m always a First.

      • Tulip

        Is that what she told? *snickers*

      • Tulip

        Told you.

    • zwak

      My wife and I used to bounce back and forth between there and Bodega Bay when we wanted to get out of the Bay area for a couple days.. Really pretty. There are some nice little hippy towns up the coast a bit, almost make you feel you were back in ’77. Jenner is my favorite, I had my bachelor party there, playing poker and getting drunk.

      • C. Anacreon

        Jenner is awesome. My wife and I also love to do long weekends in Elk, a bit farther up the coast. Also close to Jenner is Salt Point, where a group of us had many excellent abalone dive barbecue campouts back in the day.

        I always enjoy Bodega Bay, too. It’s fun to look for locations from Hitchcock’s “The Birds” when you’re there.

      • zwak

        Abalone diving! That’s what I am talking about!

      • creech

        Wasn’t there a motel in Jenner that used to be owned by some California Libertarians? Stayed there once in the 1990s, little rundown but listening to the surf was cool at night.

    • westernsloper

      Home built rafts are the best rafts. Are you Cuban? (just kidding I know you aren’t) There wasn’t a summer for a decade that we did not build some contraption to float. Later we built contraptions to jump bicycles off of into the lake at the boat ramp. You tube now makes us look like pikers but we were FIRST! Now that is honest firsting.

      • Brochettaward

        You tube now makes us look like pikers but we were FIRST! Now that is honest firsting.

        You will never be welcome into the brotherhood of Firsters.

    • rhywun

      The first thing I learned moving to SF was don’t call it “Frisco”. “Tourists.”

      • slumbrew

        See, also, “Beantown”.

      • mikey

        Yep. Grew up in the Bay Area and it was always “The City”. The caps were implied.

      • rhywun

        Same in NYC but it’s never capitalized.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        I had friends in the Air Force from Long Island who used to talk about going to “The City.”

        “Which city is that? Albuquerque?”.

        They were not amused.

      • UnCivilServant

        It was always “downstate” never “the city”.

      • blackjack

        People from Frisco hate people from L.A., but people from L.A. could care less. That’s why we call is Frisco. Too many syllables anyway. San Diego is just fine, but San Francisco is just not right, for some reason. Anything that pisses off a Frisco snob is alright by me. Funnily, we kind of have the same thing to a much lesser degree here. The Santa Monica west siders hate the valley. Up here, we don’t care a whit where you’re from.

      • zwak

        My family has been in SF for around 170 years at this point. There are fleabag hotels that share my last name, world-famous concert venues that share my last name, streets named after us. There are museums set up around people in my family. The city isn’t some magical place. Call it what you like and screw the snobs.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        Are you Mr. Haight or Mr. Ashbury?

      • blackjack

        I would guess mr. Fillmore.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        Conceded. Well done.

      • Rat on a train

        LA didn’t need to bother with Frisco. It had a local rivalry down the 5. At least until the Orange Curtain fell.

    • Tulip

      I once made a raft from gallon milk jugs and and thin plywood. It wasn’t pretty, but it worked. I used it on a pond on our property.

    • C. Anacreon

      Blackjack, in your Guerneville memories, dud you ever jump off the bridge near the public beach into the river? We used to get a kick out of watching the local teens do that.

      • blackjack

        Yup. We also floated down river to the next bridge which was quite a ways down. We stayed in a cabin just a few hundred yards from the bridge. This was ’77. We stayed until my mom’s boyfriend got apprehended, then went to a farm in Santa Maria for a few months until he got out.

      • zwak

        Hah! Fear the Maria! Now, that place is a shit hole.

        Great steak house west of there though. Jocko’s.

        http://jockossteakhouse.com/

      • blackjack

        Didn’t really seem all that high falutin’ back then either. You know when you drive somewhere and see those houses in the middle of nowhere? That’s where we stayed, miles of potatoes one side and miles of chilis on the other. About 5 or 6 houses on a tiny dirt road in between.

    • Tulip

      I work with some guys who are into astronomical photography. They are very into this, and pull screenshots and every meeting starts with a minute or two about what’s happening. They’re good about keeping it to just one or two minutes, so it’s fun, not annoying.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Very damn cool

    • straffinrun

      Cool. What studio are they using?

      • BakedPenguin

        Uh-oh – straff’s going all Capricorn One.

      • Chafed

        Pixar.

    • Not an Economist

      When I saw the landing the other day I thought it would be cool to see the landing from Mars. This a very close second. Massive props to NASA.

    • blackjack

      Last year, it was a Tesla in orbit, this year? A Rover on mars. Like a fucking used car lot up there.

  11. trshmnstr the terrible

    Cool stuff! I tried watching the live stream (on delay), but found most of it unwatchable. No, I don’t care about hearing from the kid who won the naming contest. No, I don’t care about hearing human interest stories about random people somewhat associated with the program.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I just watched the last 7 minutes and it really was tense.

    • Chafed

      You must hate the Olympics. (Me Too)

  12. C. Anacreon

    Derpy, you keep getting better and better at this. As I think you know, I was Editor of a humor magazine 30 years ago; you’re now at the level of some of the top writers we had back then. Bravo!

  13. The Bearded Hobbit

    NM Gov Grisham (Dipshit-NM) is alleged to have misappropriated funds and snubbed her nose at “little people laws”. Story makes its way to two national new sources, crickets in the local news.

    Left my shocked face around here somewhere.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I see your ‘local’ news is like my ‘local’ news. 100% increase in school aged suicides? Its homelife not that we have locked up kids inside and scared the shit out of them.

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      From the article:

      The governor’s office excused her behavior and claimed there was a difference between Lujan Grisham telling New Mexicans not to gather with people they do not live with and Lujan Grisham gathering with people she does not live with.

      “There’s a difference between inviting someone into your house for the Super Bowl or someone’s birthday and having three or four Cabinet secretaries there to talk about their budgets amid an unprecedented economic downturn and to work out what we’re going to propose or recommend to the Legislature given the changing economic forecast,” spokesman Tripp Stelnicki said.

      • Ownbestenemy

        What should result in a black sticky substance and quality pillow stuffing will be people cheering as they vote them back in office.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        She is easily in the “top 5 worst governors in the US” and yet my perception is that she has an 80%+ approval rating.

        Getting more and more pissed off at this state.

      • Gustave Lytton

        ^^ i could say the same thing, word for word.

      • blackjack

        Me too, but I have 1.7 million friends with me.

      • C. Anacreon

        “Tripp Stelnicki”?

        I want someone with that name as my personal spox too.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        I think she fired Joanna Gambolputty.

      • EvilSheldon

        Yeah. A bunch of bureaucrats getting together to talk about the economic catastrophe that they caused, is much worse. I hope that every one of those fucks gets something painful and incurable.

  14. straffinrun

    There most certainly will be a MAGA hat villain coming from Hollywood. I’d be surprised if it hasn’t happened already.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Any political movie basically already had them so long as they are cast as Republican.

      • straffinrun

        All republicans are secret Nazis that want to have sex with Kevin Spacey.

    • blackjack

      They had that one where they hunt deplorables. Was it last year?

      • kinnath

        yes

  15. Ownbestenemy

    When is KKs genealogy article supposed to drop? Not that I am anticipating it…

  16. straffinrun

    Today’s eye. Can’t get the eyebrow right.

    https://ibb.co/1qzxYdp

    • Ownbestenemy

      Still excellent Straff

    • Tulip

      I love the light reflection

      • Ownbestenemy

        ^^ yep nice use of shading and negative space..or is it positive space?

      • straffinrun

        Funny you say that. I learned the importance of leaving negative space from binge watching Inkmaster on YT.

      • Fourscore

        Stop looking at me, Young Man!

      • straffinrun

        Your turn, ?

      • Tulip

        I really need to spend some time drawing. I haven’t done anything since I got back from Florida.

    • egould310

      Nice eye. It’s better than a Duran Duran album cover.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I blame the machines

      • blackjack

        All the young chicks now have Groucho’s mustache for eye brows. Drives me up the wall.

      • BakedPenguin

        They’re all Goddamn Marxists nowadays.

      • Trigger Hippie

        This is a vastly underappreciated comment.

        [GOLF.FUCKING.CLAP.]

  17. mikey

    “It’s basically the Omega Man, but with a sole survivor who is kept safe by proper masking. Xe fights against zombie ‘covidiots’ who are bent on thwarting xer transition” explained Gambolputty.”

    Nice Derp. That covers a lot of territory in a few well-chosen words.

  18. Trigger Hippie

    ‘…said writer, director, and producer Joanna Gambolputty.’

    Just once, I’d like to see her full ancestral name in these Bee-worthy satires…she descends from Ulm.

  19. Gustave Lytton

    https://www.oregonlive.com/pacific-northwest-news/2021/02/oregon-fines-private-lake-community-429k-for-draining-reservoir-allegedly-killing-30000-fish.html

    That would be from the state Dept of Enviro Quality. They’re not the only ones that want to get their beak wet from the same event

    The state Department of Fish and Wildlife is seeking a separate claim against the association for the fish kill, but didn’t disclose the amount.

    A state investigation found draining the lake and the turbidity it caused downstream killed 20,539 endangered coho salmon, 4,047 steelhead trout, 5,346 cutthroat trout and 459 trout of undetermined species.

    Oddly specific and uneven large numbers.

    But wait! There’s more…

    The homeowners association has argued that the state mandated the drain repair and was kept informed through the process. It also denied being responsible for a fish kill.

    Fishhawk Lake “implemented specific measures to prevent fish mortality, including following the direction of Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife to conduct the work during the in-water work window.”

    • Muzzled Woodchipper

      What’s odd is that they went to great lengths to identify the number of dead fish, but seemed to Mail it in on the rest of the trout.

      • Gustave Lytton

        #Brooktroutlivesmatter

  20. Trigger Hippie

    “It’s basically the Omega Man, but with a sole survivor who is kept safe by proper masking. Xe fights against zombie ‘covidiots’ who are bent on thwarting xer transition”

    Holy shit…

  21. Trigger Hippie

    Has anybody else here just giving up and scrolled to the second comment at this point?

    • trshmnstr the terrible

      I have the mute button turned on for that specific purpose.

      • slumbrew

        Monocle lets you mute people

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        Can’t seem to find it. I’m finding plugins called monocle for other shit. Laser ablation, PDF formatting, and something to pull data from GitHub.

      • Tulip

        Goto FAQs/resources at the top and scroll down. It will be on the right hand side.

      • slumbrew

        I think the Monocle/Eyepiece links got borked when the archives were split off.

        Trashy, a little help?

        (he’s the author)

      • Gender Traitor

        Here you go. Finally found it in the 2017 archive.

        I loves me some Monocle. It has me spoiled – I use it on my laptop, but I’ve never been able to get it to work on my phone. Maybe someday. (Probably when I’m forced to get a more up-to-date phone.)

    • Tulip

      And miss Agent Sloper’s comments?

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      He’s like the annoying little dog yipping next door. After a while you just tune him out.

      • UnCivilServant

        You misspelled “set traps you learned from Animal’s article to shut the thing up once and for all”

      • Brochettaward

        I’m smarter than the average bear.

      • straffinrun

        You painted yourself into a corner. You can’t really stop now, can you?

      • UnCivilServant

        Sure he can.

        Just stop, don’t mention it, comment like a normal commenter (or as normal as we get around here) and let it fade from memory.

      • straffinrun

        Hush you. You even reverse psychologize?

      • UnCivilServant

        Too well. One of these dyas he’ll realize I’ve gotten him so obsessed with a pointless activity that he’ll drown in shame.

      • Brochettaward

        Firsting is in my DNA. I was born for this. Molded by it. I didn’t see second place until I was already a man. By then it was nothing to me but blinding.

      • Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

        I call them step on it dogs, seems appropriate,

  22. Derpetologist

    Coming up on the halfway point of my welding course

    Tonight’s accolades included an “attaboy!” and “you’ve mastered horizontal welding”.

    Next week sneak peak: Study Finds that Black Keys Less Likely to be Played than White Keys

    gimme your funny ideas

    • mikey

      “Next week sneak peak: Study Finds that Black Keys Less Likely to be Played than White Keys”
      They’re also smaller what’s with that?

      • Hank

        (Link provided for educational, noncommercial purposes)

    • Trigger Hippie

      “you’ve mastered horizontal welding”.

      You enlisted in the Navy?

      • slumbrew

        Space Force, obvs. Those dropships don’t fix themselves.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Those Ass-Droids aren’t going to mine themselves!

    • Trigger Hippie

      ‘New College Study Shows That More Students Prefer the Black Keys Over The White Stripes…Talent and Context Be Damned.’

      A recent survey revealed that college students prefered the the music of the Black Keys over the White Stripes because the name of the former had less negative racial implications attached to band’s name.

      “I mean, like, yeah, the Black Keys have a more timeless sound. They would’ve been successful in a rock based genre across a forty year span, but the White Stripes were far more influential during the 21st century in regards to their peers. In the end, both bands are compromised of pasty looking middle-aged white people, so I prefer the more inclusive sounding band name.”, said local student Jackoff Handy.

      While it is subjectively true that the Black Keys are a better band, they won the poll on overwhelmingly based on a desperate need to virtue signal by the student body.

      When reached for comment, the Black Keys band members were quoted as saying: “Fuck my life, nothing about this conversation is Rock and Roll”.

      • Chafed

        I see a future columnist.

  23. Hank

    Speaking of horror movies, Manchin and the Republicans might torpedo an OMB nominee who seems confused about vampires –

    “She once compared Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel (R-Ky.) to the “Harry Potter” villain Voldemort, said that vampires had more heart than Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), called Collins “the worst” and referred to Flake as “criminally ignorant.””

    https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/539944-tandens-path-to-confirmation-looks-increasingly-untenable

    Of course vampires have hearts – how else can they be stabbed in them?

    • Chafed

      We can add stupid to the list.

    • Not an Economist

      I don’t understand the problem? She is highly qualified. She is female and used multiple government programs as a kid.

  24. Gender Traitor

    Any of the early morning gang around? If so, could you please remind me tomorrow (well…later today by now) that I have to leave early to go get my boobies smooshed? : (

    • slumbrew

      Good luck with the boob smashing.

      (I will be fast asleep by the time you need to leave)

    • egould310

      Good luck. May all your breast lumps just be nipples.

      At least your butt is safe on this doctor visit.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I would never assume that at all…”wait, you were here for a boobie exam? Huh…my bad”

    • Chafed

      I’m sure Tres will see this when he gets up for work.

    • hayeksplosives

      By the power of Artemis, Gender Traitor has the boob-squish power!!

      May the results be boring as possible.

      • Brochettaward

        I would have checked her breasts and done it for free. Purely professional, too.

      • Brochettaward

        You people need to let me know these things. It’s what I’m here for. To help.

    • Sean

      Pics?

    • Gender Traitor

      Thanks to…. most of you for the well-wishes. I hasten to add that this is strictly routine – my however-often-you’re-supposed-to-get-one appointment. I’d had an appointment last spring to get one not long after my annual physical, but of course it got canceled on account o’ the ‘VID, and I didn’t reschedule until after my GP harangued me about it again at THIS year’s physical.

  25. hayeksplosives

    Pinhead or GTFO

    • hayeksplosives

      By which I mean, another fantastic parody, Derpy!

  26. hayeksplosives

    None of y’all are up, so I’m returning to my ad how journaling.

    Husband is still in the hospital (since Saturday). They figured out this morning that he has a strep infection that went to his blood.

    Further tests revealed what I had feared (based on celebrity horror stories like Dean Winters and Sean Connery, who both had “routine” bacteria go rogue and get in other organs): the infection has reached and damaged his heart valves.

    He might need heart surgery. The doc says he’s had this for weeks and that’s what caused ALL his symptoms. Some of the damage is irreversible.

    So don’t be stubborn if you are “under the weather” in unprecedented ways for you or of more duration than a week.

    I might be offline a while or I might be on more than normal .

    The helpful receptionist said I can’t visit now, but I’ll be allowed in for end-of-life. Isn’t that kind of them?

    Earlier Mon morning , hubby called and asked me to bring his CPAP, clean undies, and toothpaste and brush.

    I did so but the security guards refused to take it and wanted me to wait on the sidewalk for a nurse to get free and take it.

    Fortunately the doc called to update me on Hubs, and when I mentioned trying to drop off at security, who refused me, he asked why. I said sorry to tell you this doctor, but they just don’t care. What difference does it make to them?

    He was shocked and upset on behalf of doctors that the guards were being dicks, so he came down out to the sidewalk to pick up the little rolling suitcase and brief me in person on the husband.

    I’m planning to write a letter of thanks and praise to Dr T.

    • Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

      Sorry about the news HE, you know men are stubborn beasts about healthcare, I hope for no surprises, they go south in a hurry,

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Yikes. Good thing he has you to look out for him. The Glibs will worry with you in solidarity.

    • Not an Economist

      Best of luck to you and your husband.

    • Gender Traitor

      Dayum! So sorry to hear that, and sorry about your security horror stories. Ohio’s certainly not California, but we have our own Lockdown Theatre. Even so, I was able to stay with Tom T. the entire time he was in the hospital after his little “Christmas present.”

      I hope hubby’s situation turns out better than expected, with no lasting ill effects.

    • Trigger Hippie

      Damn, hk. Hope things improve for you and the hubby very soon. At least your now on the right track.

      Best wishes.

    • hayeksplosives

      Thanks, Glibs and Glibettes.

      There’s a lot more to learn in the next few weeks. I’ll be making use of my powers of compartmentalization to get through it all. Only danger there is in suppressing too much emotion; that can come off as icily cold, and I find that that tends to freak people out a bit or get mistaken as heartless.

      People are so needy sometimes; they need me to react according to their expectations, so if I don’t, they interpret my failure to fall apart as “unfeeling”. The fact that that doesn’t in itself bother me makes it worse.

      I’m not aspie; why do they want me to affect some emotions or helplessness that I don’t suffer?

      Oh well. I’ll chalk that one up in the “who gives a shit” column. First world problems.

    • Sean

      Sorry to hear about your husband.

      • hayeksplosives

        Thanks, dude. Getting him into the hospital was half the battle.

        I’m kicking myself for not forcing him to go sooner.

        Next time (hoping there won’t be one like this) I’ll just call an ambulance and make him go.

    • Tundra

      Dang. Really sorry to hear that. I’ll be praying for both of you.

    • DEG

      Sorry Hayeksplosives. I hope your husband pulls through. Fuck the security bullshit.

    • Gender Traitor

      Morning, UCS.

      • Gender Traitor

        Well, thanks. With luck, I’ll get done all the gotta-do’s at work today so I can wallow in indolence and sloth for a few days.

        Sent you an e with feedback re: part of the last few parts I’ve read. Will finish up to where I’d left off ASAP.

        How go YOUR things?

      • UnCivilServant

        I have a half day today because I had extra hours and they won’t pay overtime.

        I might just manage to get stuff written.

      • UnCivilServant

        Oh, and my asshole neighbor shoved MORE trash in my can after the garbagemen stopped by.

      • Gender Traitor

        Grrr! Had you rigged it so that you could lock it until trash day?

      • UnCivilServant

        My lock is in New Jersey still on its way here.

  27. Yusef, Chaser of the Devils Tail

    Hello Glibs, another Tuesday,

    • Gender Traitor

      Morning, Yu.

  28. Gender Traitor

    Time to leave for my tit-squishing. #SaveTheTaTas

  29. Sean

    Honk Honk.

    Sen. Hawley: Let me ask you about assaults on federal property in places other than Washington, DC — Portland, for instance, Seattle. Do you regard assaults on federal courthouses or other federal property as acts of domestic extremism, domestic terrorism?

    Judge Garland: Well, Senator, my own definition, which is about the same as the statutory definition, is the use of violence or threats of violence in attempt to disrupt the democratic processes. So an attack on a courthouse, while in operation, trying to prevent judges from actually deciding cases, that plainly is domestic extremism, domestic terrorism. An attack simply on a government property at night, or any other kind of circumstances, is a clear crime and a serious one, and should be punished. I don’t know enough about the facts of the example you’re talking about. But that’s where I draw the line. One is — both are criminal, but one is a core attack on our democratic institutions.

    Muh democratic institutions!