Editor’s Note: If this post seems familiar, it’s because it originally ran in 2017. Think of it like an installment of Jewsday Greatest Hits!
You goyim may be familiar with the High Holy Days (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur) as well as the Popular Trash Holiday (Hanukkah), but we save the best Jew holiday for ourselves. And now that it’s over, I can reveal it: Purim. Despite the lack of publicity, Purim is absolutely fucking awesome- it has a sexy backstory, bloodshed, Iranians, funny hats, and massive drunkenness. Really, what else can you want?
The Megilla
The holiday’s story is told in the Book of Esther, which is the Pluto of the Bible’s solar system: unlike every other book, it’s written on a single scroll (called The Megillah), rather than the usual double. And although, like the other books, it’s read in song, it has a wholly different set of notes and tunes than any other book. Set in ancient Persia, the story starts out on the right foot with a massive nationwide drinking binge. The king, a guy named Akhashveros (I’ll call him Heshie), based in a city called Shushan, had been joining in the celebration, accompanied by a bunch of his carousing buddies.
As drunk sausage-fests tend to do, the conversation turned to pussy. Heshie was married to some fine trim, housed in the body of Queen Vashti, and to prove why she was kingworthy, he directed her to strip and show the goods to his friends. OK, so far, this sounds like a typical Glibertarians get-together, but things took a bad turn- Vashti told him that he and his friends could go fuck themselves, SHE was keeping the clothes on. As was the custom in those days when royal women disobeyed, Heshie had Vashti de-queened and then set about finding some equally fine arm candy.
He organized the Iranian equivalent of Miss Teen USA, and had all the Persian girls who scored above a 9 brought in for judgement. This presaged several reality TV shows, another case of successful Biblical prophecy. Unlike Trump, Heshie didn’t have to barge into the dressing room to catch some young female nudity, they were happy to show it off to him. It’s good to be the King.
Of all the table pussy in the room, the standout was a Jewess named Esther. Not that you could tell that she was a Jewess, given the lack of female circumcision in those days. And she would have had pubes, anyway, and Jewesses tend to be a bit forest-y down there, especially Iranian Jewesses. Heshie spotted Esther and declared, “OK, that one!” and suddenly she was Queen of Persia. This came as a pleasant surprise to her Uncle Mordechai, who had raised her. Morty thought, “This is almost as good as winning the lottery!”
With a sudden interest in the goings-on at the Court, Morty caught wind of an assassination plot against Heshie. Sensing the possibility of reward, he informed the Iranian equivalent of the Secret Service, and the guys who were plotting were arrested, read their rights, and then hanged. As a reward, Morty’s story was recorded in the Congressional Record. And that… was it. Fuck.
What’s worse, Morty pissed off Haman, the Iranian Jeff Sessions, by refusing to bow down to him. Ever the vindictive bastard Haman, who decided, “Well Morty is a Jew, these Jews are annoying fucks, let’s just kill them all.” He wheedled Heshie about this idea, and Heshie, who really didn’t give a shit one way or another, said, “Sure, Haman, kill ’em if that will get you to stop bugging me.” Haman, always the planner, decided to roll dice to pick the day that the Hamancaust would happen. The reason for this is completely mysterious, but the word for dice is “purim” so if he hadn’t done that, we would have had to name the holiday Pussy or Bunch of Guys Getting Shitfaced or something like that.
Esther – Artist’s Depiction
The ever-snoopy Morty found out about the planned Jewkill, and understandably freaked out. He asked Esther to talk to her hubby. “Heshie hates when he’s nagged by his bitches,” she replied, “but seeing as how this is a bit of an emergency, let me see what I can do.” She set up a dinner with Heshie and Haman, during which she said, “Heshie, isn’t this fun? Let’s do it again tomorrow and maybe, you know, bumpetta-bumpetta after?” Heshie, always the horndog, eagerly agreed. In the meantime, Haman got dissed yet again by Morty, so he arranged to have a gallows built to give Morty the Big Drop the next day.
Heshie had trouble sleeping that night, perhaps because of a boner thinking about the next night, though that’s purely my speculation based on experience. “I know,” he thought, “I’ll have the Congressional Record read to me by a manservant and if that doesn’t put me to sleep, then three Seconal wouldn’t do it, either.” The reading began, and when the manservant got to the part about Morty saving Heshie’s life, Heshie asked, “Hey, did we end up doing anything for that guy? Cash award, Medal of Freedom, whatever?” “Nope,” was the answer.
Now, though Heshie was a horndog, he was actually a pretty decent guy. Feeling bad about this oversight, he called Haman in. “Haman,” he asked, “suppose there was someone who I wanted to reward for a great service to me, how would you do it?” Haman, being a bit groggy from being awakened by King Heshie’s whim, thought Heshie was talking about HIM and replied, “Well, dress him up like a king and lead him around on one of your horses as an honor.” Incentives in those days were apparently pretty lame, but still, when Heshie said, “Cool beans, the guy’s name is Morty, get ‘er done!” Haman could only think, “Fuuuuuuuck! This puts a crimp in my plans to hang the dude. Well, I can put it off for a day or two.”
The next evening, at Esther’s second dinner party, she told Heshie, “Haman wants to kill all the Jews, you know.” Heshie responded, “Yeah, whatevs. Are we doing the nasty tonight or what?” Esther said, “Well, that’ll be kinda hard since you’re going to kill all the Jews, and since I’m one of ’em…” “Wait, WHAT???” “Yeah, I’m a Jewess, and you told Haman to kill me and all of my relatives.” Heshie, who (unlike Justin Trudeau) was not a slow fellow, realized that this kill-the-Jews thing might not have been his best idea, then remembered that it was Haman’s idea. And with that, well, it’s always the underling who gets thrown under the chariot, so in a coincidence worthy of O Henry, Haman got hanged on the gallows he had intended for Morty. Yayyyy! Oops, not so fast, what about the Jewkill?
Heshie said, “There’s a bit of a problem. I gave the orders to kill the Jews and because of Article 3 subsection A of the King’s Rules, I can’t take that back.” With some Jewess trim hanging in the balance, Heshie came up with an inspired idea: “Hey, I can issue an order that the Jews can all be armed and kill the Iranians who are coming for them!” Actually, it was Mordechai and Esther’s idea, but one of the secrets to managing your manager is to convince him that your great idea was actually his.
So the Jews armed and killed a fuckton of Persians. If we’re to believe the Megillah, something like 76,000 of them. And that was OK because Heshie got laid.
In honor of killing a fuckton of Persians, every year (((we))) have the Purim celebration, in which (((we))) are commanded to get drunk, make a lot of noise in the synagogue, exchange gifts, get drunk, fuck, make noise, and get drunk. Oh yeah, we also eat some little triangular Danishes called Hamantashen. But really, who cares, get drunk and fuck.
This is a great holiday.
None of ya can be First, but a whole bunch of ya can be next. WOOO!
You might be first, but you’ll never be Chosen.
I am the First of Firsters. I was chosen for this at birth. Firsters are the true chosen tribe. We’ve been more persecuted in history than anyone for our greatness.
Pretty sure you just firsted at the last opportunity to first. Making you last. DEAD LAST! You sir, are a laster. AND, your firsting shtick has lasted way longer than is comfortable.
Second. Can we take this to the floor for a vote?
Meh, Bro is the second biggest douchebag on the Glibs but his firsting has nothing to do with that.
“second biggest douchebag”
OK, spill.
I could never be the biggest douchebag with The Hyperbole around. I’ll always be second at that.
Wow! Bro got the joke, there really is a first for everything.
Love the ancient tales told in the lingo that the kids these days use!
And OMG hamantaschen!! I’ll take a dozen with the poppy seed filling.
And I second the modern day telling of Ester.
My auto correct changed Esther to Ester. I smell a conspiracy.
BOO!
It’s a monoester, right? Polyester is going to make that story a lot more complicated.
Esther was pure mono – theistic, gamous…
Jews even hinting at poly are going to risk JHWH’s wrath.
As it says in the Old Testament, “Able was I ere I saw Esther”
I’ll still need a teenager to interpret for me. I did like the part of eating the little cakes when everything else was done. Is there something about being part Jewish, like a religious 23 and me thing?
Asking for a friend?
Very Drunken History-esque. Which seems doubly appropriate given the story.
It actually makes more sense this way. The more ornate language covers up the fact that its mostly stories about some fairly horrible people.
All of the people in this story seem completely reasonable, by my minimal standards anyhow…
*writes note to never trust ES with niece*
Probably good advice.
My MIL, as usual, sent a gigantic tub of hamantaschen for just the two of us.
Sad to say, most will end up getting tossed. Sorry, hamantashen-loving Glibs.
“Food is love”.
— Every Jewish and Italian mother
If they’re the poppy kind, send em along!!
tossing hamantaschen sounds like something you have to do in an Israeli prison.
Looked up the recipe. Sugar and flour. Toss away. I’m very pro-Jewish but too many carbs.
How Mordecai didn’t hit that is beyond me.
NIECE! Holy shit, you’re a worse perv than I am.
Like that stopped the begets
Joan Collins as Esther
(Reference)
I was 23 at the time, Miss Collins was looking good to a single Onescore.
There is no age at which Joan Collins won’t look like a grandma to me.
This reminds me of one of my favorite tumblr posts. The image strips out the funny story that used to wrap the image, but I can’t find the original post. But here is the “definitive” chart of Jewish holidays:
Holidays in Summary!
That’s very useful. Bookmarked.
As Pesach scores YES across the board, I definitely want to hear the story of that.
It commemorates surviving a bear attack in the forest while tapping maple trees.
Are you sure that wasn’t a rendering of Esther via Q?
Works for me
But…how drunk are you supposed to get? The authorities differ.
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/drinking-on-purim/
If you get too drunk, the cops will seem to have doubled in number. This won’t dissuade you from fighting them, though.
As drunk sausage-fests tend to do, the conversation turned to pussy.
Universal truth.
Other than that, this is completely confusing.
You were expecting a tale of drunkenness to not be confusing?
…tales of drunkenness and cruelty.
But yeah.
Kinda wanna hear the Persian version of this story.
Here ya go.
Favardin Forever!
Boy howdy, I been writing up a storm these last three-four days. Had a flash of inspiration. Y’all will be the first to see it, over the next few weeks.
Buffalo started going to shit when Rhywun left but who knew it would get this bad.
https://www.city-journal.org/buffalo-public-schools-critical-race-theory-curriculum
Modern Klan. We know what this shit turns into eventually.
Everyone knows that reading is white tricknology.
Meh, Buffalo started going to shit around 1950.
At least it isn’t Rochester.
Jack Benny has a sad.
That’s not quite how I heard it in Sunday school.
Ma’am,
I was a Sunday School teacher* (Methodist) at age 17. I can garygodamntee you I didn’t know what I was talking about. You shouldn’t believe those people.
*now atheist*
I was taught Vashti was a horrible awful human being for not obeying the king. Well, good on her, I say.
Anyway.
So it took me reading a collection of erotica, and one featured a Jewess who, in the narrative, posited that the king didn’t like Esther because she was pretty. He liked her because she gave good head.
And that is when it all clicked into place.
I actually used the whole Esther thing in one of my books where the former call girl enlightens a Mormon family about why the king REALLY liked Esther.
How do you walk into temple without alarms going off?
more correctly “agnostic”. I don’t fucking know. I don’t think anyone does.
Beside C. Snyder, who was in my same baptism class, wasn’t impressed with my teaching Sunday School and never let me into her silky shorts (although I did get to feel her ass when I hoisted her up on the church roof to retrieve a lost frisbee.)
Then it was worth it, wasn’t it?
YES! YES! YES!
Also she let me put my hands on her ass while we slow danced to “Sister Christian” by Night Ranger at the 8th grade high school dance.
Mien Gott, she had a nice ass!
lol apropos
Motorin’!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Wn7sjLwBFFo
Yet, an accurate retelling.
Indeed, and highly entertaining. Loved it.
Meanwhile, the Jews at Harvard celebrate Purim by persecuting poor Cornel West. They offered him a ten-year teaching contract rather than a traditional tenure contract. They may as well call him “Toby.”
“Is Harvard a place for a free Black man like myself whose Christian faith & witness put equal value on Palestinian & Jewish babies- like all babies- & reject all occupations as immoral?”
West has been persecuted by these guys before – “…West taught at Harvard from 1994-2002, and left over disagreements with then-president Lawrence Summers. Summers criticized West’s spoken word albums and involvement with Al Sharpton, as well as accusing him of contributing to grade inflation. Later, on NPR, West called Summers “the Ariel Sharon of higher education.””
https://forward.com/culture/464567/are-cornel-wests-comments-about-israel-the-reason-harvard-denied-his/
At least the author answered the question, even if I did have to wade through some progressive posturing to get there. “West is not overtly a victim of Harvard’s secretive, closed-door tenure process; his request for tenure was denied because his post was not tenure-track, not because a secretive committee found him lacking in some way.”
OMWC, about the same time you first published this our chief engineer stopped by my desk and gave me a nicely wrapped bag of goodies. “What’s this for?” “Purim”. “What’s that?” His explanation wasn’t near as good as yours. Now that I look back, I should have shown him yours – he was a pretty cool guy.
They are Persian not Iranian. Also in Historical records Mordecai is they only real person in the Story. There is record that a Mordecai saved the King Xerxes from being killed by two eunuchs and was promoted to vizier. That is only part of the story that is in Historical record. I hated being lied to in Sunday school. The cookies are Polish and developed around the late 1700s. https://www.foodandwine.com/news/history-hamantaschen
So, anyone else repelled by Gillette’s new lady pube hair shaver commercial?
I was told there would be no kink shaming.
To be fair, aren’t you in general repelled by vaginas?
Link? I need to be outraged just a little bit.
If I squint just right I call tell, through he pixelation that lady pube shaving is less of a thing over there.
The Youtube link I found was less explicit than the commercial they just showed on the old-people network I’m watching.
Haven’t seen it, though you’re as far away from the target demo as possible.
Depends, do they show after pictures?
Haven’t seen it. Do they use a pretty woman in it? If so then I’m not offended.
It’s Lena Dunham.
Esther. Would.
Thicc?
He said Esther, not Demi Rose.
*lights Count Potato signal*
I picture Esther like this
I picture Esther like this
“I warn you, woman, vengeance is among me! And ugly is among you.”
Like the fist of an angry God.
“Give my regards to your puppet master.”
https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-jeff-bezos-dig-washington-post-ownership-2021-2
LOL.
He’s gotta lot of grift in him, but I still love Musk.
Same here.
That seemed to be a reference to Bezos’ ownership of The Post.
That’s fine fine journalisming.
Beat me to it. Oh well.
Mostly white
First should be a color.
Lol. Well played Mojo.
Evening the playing field.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Eu2tKH8VcAA47Qb?format=jpg&name=medium
If there is a holiday associated with eating rugelach, I will celebrate it every daggone day. I’ll believe whatever I have to believe and culturally appropriate to my heart’s content.
::remembers she’s on vacation the rest of the week. Remembers the near northside bakery where she can get her hands on some of these babies. Remembers she’s also trying to lose a little weight::
(((I’m))) giving you a GlibFit pass for the week.
*gestures making the Star of David over GT*
Our beloved minor league baseball team is gearing up for another season with fans in the stands…at about 30% capacity. : (
Now, we didn’t ask for our season ticket price back when last year’s season was cancelled. We let them apply it to this year’s tickets. But we have quarter-season tickets – in the past, at least, that was 17 games – so we were already sharing seats with three other pairs of people. I have no stinkin’ idea how 30% capacity is going to work, unless after twenty sellout seasons last year’s cancellation sends demand for tickets down the ol’ poop chute.
Unless season tickets are more than 30% of the seats, it’s no big deal, or am I thinking about it the wrong way. I would think that ideal: mostly season tickets with the odd walk-up; the logistics are pretty nice. Of course, they’ve got to space you out, so maybe you don’t re-up if you don’t like your new spot.
1. They need to be summarily fired.
2. They need to be prosecuted by the state bar.
https://dailycaller.com/2021/02/23/flat-lie-federal-prosecutors-new-york-admitted-to-lying-about-evidence-sanctions-case/
I’ll take things that will not happen for $800.
Damn, that’s egregious.
I agree with your recommendations. And your conclusion.
Fry’s Electronics permanently closing all stores nationwide
Damn. That was a cool store.
Chalk up another head on a platter for Bezos.
I believe I bought a mouse there when they had a store in Palo Alto.
never saw them before DFW
radio shack (old Fort Worth firm BTW) on steroids
Lol at the avatar and name change
Cruz is such a pussy: even when he’s right, he manages to be wrong these days
I can remember when he stood for something and I almost admired him
I’m a Southerner from underclass roots; I just can’t abide a man who let’s himself get punked; what a little bitch
There have been so many times when if a man had been decent and consistent and argued from first principles, he would have been the only one in America. Everyone lies, equivocates, what-abouts; all one man need do to stand out is be principled and stand on his hind legs.
Cruz could have been that made; the table was set to be run. But he’s a little bitch. Now the fever has passed, the moment is gone, and the brass ring has been put away for another generation. It could have been you, Teddy.
but no: you just can’t be a man . . . such a bitch, I kinda feel bad for him . . . such a little bitch
Bitch https://youtu.be/Z9FqfiNOAHU
Surprised they were still in business. Thought they had gone out a couple years ago.
Noooo!
Saw that coming a mile away. The one in Vegas had been dwindling for a year prior to the covid nonsense.
Hello Peeps, how goes the AM?
Mornin Yusef.
Time to get ready for work. ?
and it’s still Wednesday…..
For some odd reason, there are still people broadcasting on the AM. Odd.
⬅
Great story.
https://www.cbc.ca/sports/czech-swims-nearly-length-of-football-field-under-ice-to-set-new-world-record-1.5924315
Why?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=z5LW07FTJbI
Why not?
?
Musk continues to impress me.
https://twitter.com/loganclarkhall/status/1364277658411032578
Nice. What were the shitheads after him about?
Choose the form of your mosquito bite!
Yesterday morning before bed I ate a big quesadilla and some left-over prokharas. Suffice it to say that I went through my work at much higher rate of speed last night. Mixing Mexican and Indian is unwise but I was done a half an hour faster. Mornin’ Glibs!
And I’ll do it again!
‘suh fam ?
Laying chemtrails and drinking beer. How’s you Baby-head?
Working on my 1st of many TallCans®
And I have the night off
Lovely!
Good morning everyone. Have some motorcoach porn – https://youtu.be/h80klrogkQ0
Good God. I’d be afraid of willow branches scratching the finish.
Mornin’ folks!
morning.
sup’
Still swimming in the tank. Morning!
*waves*
*swims past* “Morning!”
So, at work, cat food has been stupid. There is some snafu/shenanigans at the several mills that manufacture wet cat food that has resulted in very spotty deliveries/availability of same. Last night we got 13 cases of Friskies cans (normally, I would receive 20 – 30 cases), 10 of which were the same flavor. I packed out what I was supposed to and moved the superfluous cases to my deadstock cart, with a nice note explaining what I did and begging day shift not to touch the deadstock and that it would be taken care of tonight. I go in this AM to get some milk and bread and what do i find? One of the teenaged smooth-brains who works during the day has crammed all 240 cans of Friskies chunky salmon flavor into any available open slot on wet cat food shelves, dry kibble shelves, and wet dog food shelves. So, of course, there are already 2 of our senior customers bellyaching about cans of cat food mixed with the cans of dog food. FUCK!!!! I hate everyone! Well, everyone except all of y’all.