Friday Afternoon Links You Never Saw Coming

by | Mar 5, 2021 | Daily Links | 326 comments

I don't expect anyone to get this, and that's OK.While they’re not octopuses*, I still make room in my heart for their weird cousins. (h/t: Mexican Sharpshooter)

Meanwhile, the Internet continues to be strange and wonderful.

Wait, did I say strange and wonderful? Maybe it’s still just weird and off-putting.

10/10, would get bitten by a shark again.”

If someone wants to make this and get back to me about how tasty it is, I’d be much obliged.

Same shit, different day, news at 2:00 PM MDT.

 

Time for a preview of my weekend but in musical form.

*And you can GTFOutta here with “octopodes” or “octopi” because I don’t want to hear it.

About The Author

Riven

Riven

[riv-uhn] noun 1. a gaming, lifting, shooting, intoxicated, ravenous, and happily-taken nerd. 2. often aims to misbehave. 3. and though she be but little, she is fierce.* And rumor has it that she (and her husband) are also delightful dinner companions. You didn't hear it from me, though.

326 Comments

  1. Not Adahn

    Octopots.

    • Old Man With Candy

      Octodogs.

      • Nephilium

        It’s like you don’t even know people… Octoroks.

    • Endless Mike

      Octoplurals?

    • Brochettaward

      This is not how you First out with your cock out.

    • Tonio

      Scungilli.

    • Trigger Hippie

      OctoMom

      • Nephilium

        Well Octodad came out almost 7 years ago.

      • Trigger Hippie

        That’s….something.

    • The Other Kevin

      Octopieinthesky

    • bacon-magic

      Octopussy.

      • rhywun

        The best octo.

      • zwak

        OctoPussy Galore!

    • Rat on a train

      Octonauts assemble.

    • kinnath

      I have a friend that really, really likes Octomore.

    • JG43

      Octonomicon

    • mock-star

      Octopinx

  2. Endless Mike

    I mean, it attracts apex predators, but the cleavage POPS!

  3. grrizzly

    This is a shark bite? Really?

    • slumbrew

      It was a very small shark.

  4. The Late P Brooks

    This tax hike “adds a significant burden to gig economy and small business workers at the worst possible time,” according to TechNet spokesman Steve Kidera. One tax expert warned Roll Call that many struggling gig economy workers won’t be able to pay the higher taxes, and that IRS penalties “can destroy a person’s life.”

    That job sucks. We’d rather see you starve. Join a union.

    • UnCivilServant

      So, almost the median student?

      • Tonio

        That’s mean.

      • bacon-magic

        That’s an expected value from him.

      • PBRstreetgang

        Something to shoot for!

      • Old Man With Candy

        That’s how he moved up in class standings.

    • Brochettaward

      Tiffany France, the mother of the failing student, thought her son would be receiving his diploma from Augusta Fells Savage Institute of Visual Arts in June. However, she was surprised to discover that he is being sent back to the ninth grade to start over.

      So, I think I’m seeing the problem here when the mother is so detached from what’s actually going on with her son that she expected him to graduate despite him failing nearly every class he took over 4 years.

      • Brochettaward

        And hey, I’m sure the school sucks, but so does she as a parent.

      • PBRstreetgang

        There is enough blame for everyone involved in this story.

      • rhywun

        Yup. And the teachers unions depend on the parents not giving a shit. Nice racket, eh?

      • Nephilium

        So… the solution is to increase spending on the schools, right?

      • Sean

        Obviously.

    • Not Adahn

      Institute of Visual Arts

      when you fail at doodling, you fail at… well pretty much everything.

      • Hyperion

        We have to pay people who fail. Everyone gets a trophy.

  5. The Late P Brooks

    It’s mind boggling to think that after a year of depriving workers of their incomes and strangling the economy with government lockdowns, politicians would really shoulder billions more in taxes onto working Americans’ backs.

    No it isn’t.

    • Trigger Hippie

      We’ll kill all small businesses and ruin the independent contractors yet!

      Corporatism today, corporatism tomorrow, corporatism forever!

      • juris imprudent

        The creation of the state in the service of the state.

      • Hyperion

        All for the state, by the state!

      • Trigger Hippie

        You’re in good hands.

      • Hyperion

        It’s way easier to get a few mega businesses to do your bidding that to get a bunch of free radical types to do your bidding.

        In the future, there should only be one business – Amazalmart! Your one stop for everything!

        No one needs more than one type of business /Bernie.

  6. rhywun

    Meanwhile, the Internet continues to be strange and wonderful.

    I am apparently above the age cut-off where any of that article makes sense.

    • The Other Kevin

      I thought it was just me. I was also lost.

      • Sean

        I recognized Space Ghost.

      • grrizzly

        The concept that drives Miko’s stream is simple: She’s a glitchy video game character who interviews real people—specifically, famous Twitch personalities. The great strength of her act is that Miko, the character, does not know who any of these people are, and even when she does, she doesn’t give a fuck.

        I didn’t understand anything in the first sentence. But according to the second sentence, it might be expected.

    • Endless Mike

      She’s Max Headroom, but a chick, and on an internet streaming channel.

  7. kinnath

    Under current tax law, earnings data for gig economy workers only needs to be reported to the IRS once it reaches $20,000. This means that small earners pursuing gig work to supplement their income aren’t hit by crushing federal taxes. However, the Democrats’ provision would nearly eliminate this benchmark, and instead require all income above $600 to be reported to the IRS.

    Not exactly. They always owed taxes on the money they earned. The old rule just made it easy to evade their taxes.

  8. UnCivilServant

    An amendment to put the horrible minimum wage back in the prokupus bill got voted down 58-42 with seven dems and a dem-caucuser voting No.

  9. rhywun

    Same shit, different day, news at 2:00 PM MDT.

    I don’t they actually care about the billion tax bucks. They just hate gig workers that much.

    • The Other Kevin

      They’re finally getting revenge on people competing against licensed cabs.

      • juris imprudent

        The medallion – another creation of the state. It’s almost like there is a theme here.

  10. The Late P Brooks

    Cannon fodder

    Among those who said their financial situation has gotten worse, 44% said it will take three years or more to get back to where they were 12 months ago — and 1 in 10 said their finances will never entirely be the same.

    “There are certain groups that have not only experienced job loss in their household, but they are having to take on debt — those are things that have consequences for their future,” said Juliana Horowitz, one of the authors of the report.

    Inequality has been a hallmark of the pandemic recovery, marked by job loss for those at the bottom and soaring wealth for those at the top.

    This so-called K-shaped recovery has split the nation nearly in half, with the wealthiest Americans faring even better than before, while millions more have faced setbacks.

    Lower-income adults, as well as Black and Hispanic Americans and those under age 30, were the most likely to say they or someone in their household lost a job or suffered a pay cut since the coronavirus outbreak began, Pew found.

    As a result, they’ve had to put off paying certain bills and take on debt in the face of pressing financial concerns, including food insecurity.

    If only they had been smart enough to work for the government and belong to a union.

    • Tonio

      It’s almost like this was part of a sinister plot to make more people dependent upon government largesse, and tax the well-off (not the actual rich) to the point where they are forced to join the dependent classes.

      • kbolino

        What they don’t want is upward social mobility. The well off can stay well off but they’re not supposed to join the ranks of the rich or especially the powerful, and the poor should stay put, cash their handout checks, and turn in their votes like they’re supposed to.

      • Tonio

        That is an excellent observation. I’m using it.

        Because if even one person manages to escape the world of housing projects and welfare dependency then the other plebs might get ideas.

      • kbolino

        Much of their governance can be summed up as appearing to care for the plebs while making sure that power stays fully out of plebian hands. The best solution is one which appears to the pleb to be for his benefit but appears to the other patricians to be anything but.

    • Tonio

      There might be some noob who just wandered in off the streets and who wishes to bathe in the fountain of erudition join the nerdfest that is GlibZoom happy hour and adult daycare.

      • Nephilium

        So I should start handling out claim tickets?

      • pistoffnick

        Will there be a…show…tonight?

      • Tonio

        Only if you make it rain, Daddy…

      • pistoffnick

        *checks wallet for dollar bills*

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        on Trampoline…..

    • DEG

      Thanks. I might join for a bit tonight. Tomorrow night I’m out.

    • Animal

      I’ll try to pop in for a bit tonight. Tomorrow night we’ll be on a red-eye flight to Denver.

      The next few weeks are going to be nuts.

    • Tonio

      In other cybersecurity news – the MLS system was not allowing Realtor logins today. Don’t know if it’s yet been resolved but real estate lives and dies by MLS. And weekends, particularly spring weekends, are the prime business time.

      • UnCivilServant

        That reminds me, I need to see if the guy who stuck to his overvalued asking price ever managed to move his house. (It was more than the property was worth, and he was trying to skimp on needing to pay realtors on both ends.)

      • UnCivilServant

        Holy crap, he found someone to buy it at above that garbage price? Sure he had to hold the property for another six months, but still. I feel sorry for the sucker.

      • Ted S.

        Why would realtors log in to Major League Soccer?

      • Gender Traitor

        Why would anyone log in to Major League Soccer?

        ::runs::

  11. Count Potato

    “The $1.9 trillion coronavirus stimulus package being pushed by President Biden puts more than $1 billion toward ‘socially disadvantaged’ farmers and related groups — including an equity commission, agricultural training and other assistance to advance racial justice in farming,”

    OFFS!!!!

    • creech

      Not enough black sharecroppers?

      • Count Potato

        40 acres and a mule

    • KromulentKristen

      ‘socially disadvantaged’ farmers

      So, like, $10 million for Bill Gates, then.

  12. DEG

    From the shark bite swimsuit review:

    The woman said she was swimming off the North Carolina Coast when she “had an unexpected visitor take a swipe at my lower back”.

    Later in the article:

    “I was swimming off the coast of South Carolina when I had an unexpected visitor take a swipe at my lower back — a shark. Despite leaving a huge bruise and red teeth marks on my skin, the bathing suit escaped unscathed. 10/10 would recommend.”

    Hmm…..

    • Sean

      She’s a very fast swimmer.

    • slumbrew

      That’s a long swim.

      • Ted S.

        She could have been near the NC/SC border.

    • Tonio

      They do have a common border, you know.

      • kbolino

        I wouldn’t recommend swimming it, though.

      • kbolino

        Ah, she was on a boat.

      • Suthenboy

        If you want to get bitten by a shark you can’t increase your chances better than swim in the mouth of a bay or river when the tide is going out.

      • mock-star

        I literally just vacationed there last year, at Calabash. It was actually really nice.

      • DEG

        I know. I wanted a chance to poke fun at a Brit journalist.

      • pistoffnick

        Or any journalist.

        I remember reading an article about Pence flying in to Doloot during the Presidential campaign. They wrote that Pence gave a speech at the airport on the shores of Lake Superior. While there is a very small airport on a peninsula, Pence gave his speech at the big airport, which is 15 miles away from the lake shore.

      • Tonio

        By all means, carry on…

      • zwak

        They are still confused over York and New York.

  13. Derpetologist

    gold from Tucker

    ***
    Liberals despise people like this, of course, and on some level, they know they’re hated right back. They worry that someday there will be a backlash against the people in charge, which, of course, is them. That’s their biggest fear, a peasant revolt.

    They’re terrified that someday an army of tattooed high-school dropouts in Confederate flag tank tops is going to rise up from the trailer parks of West Virginia and take over the country — storming the cities with their .75 caliber, AR-15 assault weapon machine guns with flash suppressors, each one of which can fire over a million bullets per minute when mounted on the back of an F-150 pickup truck plastered with racist bumper stickers.
    ***

    Adventures in Military Intelligence

    Was on road guard for a while. Our mission: to keep cars off certain roads in the morning so they don’t hit runners. One day it was raining hard, thus no runners and no reason for road guard. Alas, Befehl ist Befehl, we had to be there. Our common sense solution was to set up the barriers and wait in our cars. Not perfect, but better than standing in the rain and wind for 2 hours. One soldier however, was determined to stand watch. I felt bad for him so I went out to keep him company. I said I admired his devotion and let him know he would not be getting a medal for it. He was worried that his First Sergeant was going to drive through and yell at him later if he was not at his post. I replied that the basic contradiction in the military is how to deal with stupid orders. His response to that was the depressing string of words I’ve ever heard a soldier say.

    He said: I think *all* orders are stupid.

    I was taken aback, but kept talking and told him my tale of woe about stupid orders. Finally managed to get him to see the light, so he only ended up spending about 15 minutes standing in the rain instead of 2 hours.

    • juris imprudent

      Hell, the morons were terrified of a half-naked wook in a buffalo hat with a bullhorn.

      • Hyperion

        That was a scary super right wing terrorist!

      • Derpetologist

        “Out of every one hundred men, ten shouldn’t even be there, eighty are just targets, nine are the real fighters, and we are lucky to have them, for they make the battle. Ah, but the one, one is a warrior, and he will bring the others back.”
        — Heraclitus

        Courage is a rare quality, because going with the flow is the safe bet about 99% of time.

      • Derpetologist

        Operation Rolling Thunderp

    • Hyperion

      “They’re terrified that someday an army of tattooed high-school dropouts in Confederate flag tank tops is going to rise up from the trailer parks of West Virginia and take over the country — storming the cities with their .75 caliber, AR-15 assault weapon machine guns with flash suppressors, each one of which can fire over a million bullets per minute when mounted on the back of an F-150 pickup truck plastered with racist bumper stickers.”

      I’d pay a lot to see that.

      • Derpetologist

        I’ve never even *driven* a pickup truck, but compared to a typical prog, I’m Davy Crockett.

      • Hyperion

        I’ve driven plenty of them. Now I drive an SUV. You know, an uppity hipster version of the pickup truck. Compared to progs, I’m a redneck shitlord extremist, for sure. I make Europeans faint with my rhetoric.

    • creech

      What happened when the First Sergeant did drive by?

      • Derpetologist

        He didn’t. I suspect it was an empty threat from a squad leader or a platoon sergeant. They often make them when upset, at least in my experience.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        “you cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwqkpwV8j_A

        I think he thinks he’s complimenting them. As you said, imagine if Trump had ever said anything like this.

    • Hyperion

      I heard that Biden personally landed that thing at the same time he made world peace.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Its folksie, a stutter, he is just being Joe! All excuses I heard.

    • commodious spittoon

      Job growth better than expected, women and minorities hardest hit.

    • Ted S.

      How dare you think about these movies in the wrong way!

    • Tonio

      Time to buy up DVD/Blu-Ray copies of anything you might want to watch for the rest of your life.

      • Tulip

        Yes, just what I was thinking.

    • LJW

      Deep Dish is not pizza it’s casserole damn it!

  14. Count Potato

    “Double-masking is only slightly better at stopping the spread of coronavirus than wearing one face covering, a study has suggested.

    Japanese researchers said wearing one surgical mask that is fitted correctly could stop up to 85 per cent of viral particles from passing through.

    Doubling up on surgical masks offers no benefit because air resistance builds up and causes leakage around the edges of the mask, they claimed.

    The study found there was some benefit in wearing a tight-fitting reusable mask on top of a surgical one, but it was marginal, offering up to 89 per cent protection.

    The experts, who used a super-computer simulation to test different face covering combinations, said ‘the performance of double masking simply does not add up’.”

    https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9328747/Japan-supercomputer-shows-doubling-masks-offers-little-help-preventing-viral-spread.html

    • kbolino

      The 85% is itself bogus, but hey they were “experts, who used a super-computer simulation”. Not just a computer this time, but a super-computer!

      • grrizzly

        Start with a brazen lie, continue with a super-computer. A little propaganda piece is almost ready.

      • kbolino

        While it’s certainly possible they used an actual supercomputer, and there are a couple such in Japan, I find it funny to mention because it’s just over-egging the pudding. The use of a supercomputer doesn’t make anything more or less accurate, though it can certainly allow a higher degree of precision.

      • UnCivilServant

        “We ran it on a cell phone with ‘Cray 1’ written on the back”

      • Count Potato

        I thought “supercomputer” just meant over 1 GHz. So every computer now.

      • Brochettaward

        Why exactly do you need a computer to test the effectiveness of masks? How is this considered credible research?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Cause if they do actual research they will research themselves out of a grant

      • rhywun

        *snort*

      • grrizzly

        You need a super-computer to ignore the actual evidence of mask effectiveness (or lack of it).

    • juris imprudent

      I think the bear mace test is more promising than a computer simulation.

    • Tonio

      As long as it saves one life, you selfish asshole!

    • Suthenboy

      Every bit of that is horseshit.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      one surgical mask that is fitted correctly could stop up to 85 per cent of viral particles

      What about the masks that aren’t fitted correctly that people actually wear in the real world?

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        Oh, they suck.

        Cosmic.

        Ass.

  15. Hyperion

    So, has Biden’s approval numbers topped the 300% mark yet?

    • juris imprudent

      Sure, if you add each week’s numbers together.

      • Hyperion

        That could happen if they stop using the old racist math.

    • creech

      No, but he is approaching 100 million votes in 100 days as the 2020 vote counts keep trickling in.

      • Hyperion

        I was sure those ballots were still trickling in. They may have discovered the bonanza cache in Broward County.

  16. Derpetologist

    help me write my next satire

    Pope Divides World Between Google, Facebook

    Activists Slam “Survival of the Fittest” for Fat-Shaming

    Microsoft Outsources Windows Update to Hell

    Federal Reserve Makes Monopoly Money Legal Tender

    Chuck E Cheese Re-brands as Charter School

      • Derpetologist

        Can we get an applause gif here?

      • Tonio

        I tried, but couldn’t get it to work.

      • Derpetologist

        It was like that when I got here.

        The check is in the mail.

        I’ll respect you in the morning.

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        I promise not to come in your mouth.

        You promise to come in my mouth.

        Just the tip.

      • DrOtto

        “The check is in the mail” has been replaced by “Two weeks to flatten the curve”. Nobody mails checks anymore and the reference to such an archaic act confused the kiddos.

      • Scruffy Nerfherder

        Seconded

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Pope divides world is too obscure for people educated in this country. Present company excepted.

      Mircosoft article would be like the old Word News. This would be my vote.

      The others are too close to reality to be satire.

    • Tonio

      I really like your satire, Derpy. All of those look like good topics.

    • Hyperion

      2. 4 is going to happen in real life.

    • Grumbletarian

      Activists Demand Next “Superman” Movie be Titled “Physically Advantaged Undocumented Immigrant of No Assigned Gender”

  17. mexican sharpshooter

    While they’re not octopuses*

    Fun fact: Vampire Squid were originally classified as Octopodes when first discovered and now classified on their own with extinct species. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_squid

    • Hyperion

      Right. Octopi.

    • Derpetologist

      The Greek word for octopus is chtapodi (eight feet).

      Octo- is a Latin prefix, pous means foot in Greek (like Oedipus, Swole-Foot).

      Long story short, we should scrub English of all un-Anglo-Saxon words.

      ***
      In fact, Anglish can trace its roots back even further to the mid-16th and -17th century inkhorn controversy, which saw foreign Latinate words embraced by some writers and sharply rejected by others like Cambridge professor John Cheke, who viewed them as useless, unnecessarily identical to perfectly good non-borrowed counterparts: “I am of this opinion that our own tung shold be written cleane and pure, unmixt and unmangeled with borowing of other tunges, wherein if we take not heed by tiim, ever borowing and never paying, she shall be fain to keep her house as bankrupt.”
      ***

      Now who can argue with that? I think we’re all indebted to John Cheke for clearly stating what needed to be said. I’m particulary glad that these lovely children were here today to hear that speech. Not only was it authentic Early Modern gibberish, it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age.

      • Derpetologist

        fun fact: the sentence “my pen is in my hand” is spelled exactly the same in English and Afrikaans and has the same meaning.

        Kang: Greetings Earthlings, I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.
        Marge: You… you speak English.
        Kang: I am actually speaking Rigelian. By an astonishing coincidence, both of our languages are exactly the same.

      • pistoffnick

        “like Oedipus, Swole-Foot”

        If I remember the story correctly, his foot wasn’t his only appendage that was swollen!

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Yes. I wrote an article about it.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Whatever. I can’t find it.

      • Animal

        STEVE SMITH SUDDENLY REMEMBER HIM GREEK NAME, OEDIPENE.

      • Derpetologist

        Rape-a-cles?

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        Fun fact. 97 of the 100 most used words in English are of Anglo-Saxon origin.

        The words everyone uses all the time. Stuff like mother, father, etc, as well as modifiers are all based in Anglo-Saxon.

    • Tonio

      Meh. There are plenty of species and genuses (genii, for you nerds) within Class Cephalopoda – squid, cuttlefish, octopus, nautilus, ammonites (extinct). Being classified into a distinct species is no big thing; now having your own phylum, that’s a thing.

      • UnCivilServant

        A new Kingdom, now that’s the big deal.

      • Tonio

        Arguably the Burgess Shale fossil record documents many phyla that existed only in a specific mileu, then went extinct.

      • Count Potato

        You want real prestige? Archaea have their own Domain, and they make your farts flammable.

      • Not Adahn

        genuses (genii, for you nerds)

        Genera. Genii is the plural of genie.

      • Tulip

        That is actual footage of me working. How did you get it?

    • commodious spittoon

      You hate to see it.

    • kbolino

      Man, the cattiness in that thread.

    • slumbrew

      She remains a “would”.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    It was like that when I got here.

    The check is in the mail.

    I’ll respect you in the morning.

    They all do that.

    • juris imprudent

      Some already do, some never will – the rest, in due time.

  19. robc

    T bones on the grill.

    • Sean

    • slumbrew

      Ribeye salted hours ago, ready for the grill. Along with some shishitos.

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      Nice euphemism.

  20. UnCivilServant

    Can Maple Sugar be subbed in for brown sugar at a 1:1 ratio?

    Also, does maple pair well with raisins?

    I bought some maple products from l0b0t’s maple farming friends and am thinking about how to use it.

    • juris imprudent

      I’ve used maple sugar with raisins on oatmeal – works for me.

      • UnCivilServant

        I guess at this point all that’s left is to try a test batch of cookies.

    • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

      If you find the maple overpowering, cut it half-and-half with regular white sugar (for instance).

      Make your own rules, man!

  21. The Late P Brooks

    The snipe are out there, honest

    QAnon has been built on moving the goal posts from the start, experts say.

    “QAnon followers are primarily involved with the community because the sense of meaning or community it provides them, not necessarily because they believe it gives them an accurate understanding of future events,” Travis View, co-host of the QAnon Anonymous podcast, told The Hill in an email.

    March 4 emerged as a key date in the community after Biden’s inauguration. Some adherents had latched on to a theory from the fringe sovereign-citizen movement which believes that all laws passed after the 14th Amendment was ratified in 1868 are illegitimate.

    ——-

    On forums and in chats Friday morning, some QAnon followers quickly began claiming that March 20 was the actual date that Biden would be arrested while others applauded the community for not falling for the March 4 false flag.

    It’s possible the Qanon scholars are going to find out the Qanonners are all snug at home in their basements eating Cheetos and playing video games.

    And laughing their asses off.

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      We should refer to those scholars as BlueAnon.

    • Ted S.

      QAnon has been built on moving the goal posts from the start, experts say.

      My that’s some projection.

    • creech

      Bunch of maroons. Everyone knows the “real” date for the uprising is April 13th, which is Guy Fawkes’ birthday. If that fails, then it is June 3rd, Jefferson Davis’ birthday. Sources that can’t be named have alerted the FBI and Capitol Police to the secret presence of 25,000 heavily armed white supremacist nazis camped out in Rock Creek Park just waiting for the Rune signal.

      • Gadfly

        Akshually, the uprising is going to take place on May 9, anniversary of the ending of the US Civil War. Or June 23, when the last Confederate general surrendered.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Bad link is the Hill. If anybody really cares.

  23. kbolino

    I got it! By the way, how was/is Strikers?

    • Riven

      … Difficult! It’s not really my play style. I lost to the first “Jail” (Palace) mini-boss three times in a row, and it asked me if I wanted to bump the difficulty down to easy.

      And I said yes. ._.”

      But it’s a lot of fun now. Lol.

      • kbolino

        Alright, sounds like it’s worth it. I’ll probably still wait for a sale… cuz I’m cheap.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    News you can use

    Axios reporter Alexi McCammond will become editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue, effective March 24, according to a Friday announcement by the magazine’s parent company, Condé Nast.

    ——-

    Anna Wintour, global editorial director of Vogue and chief content officer of Condé Nast said in a statement that McCammond has “powerful curiosity and confidence that embodies the best of our next generation of leaders.”

    “Her interest in fashion, wellness and important issues in the lives of the Teen Vogue audience and broad knowledge of business leaders, elected officials, influencers, photographers and filmmakers is unrivaled, and I’m so very pleased that she will be bringing her expertise and talents to our team,” Wintour added.

    McCammond joined Axios in 2017 and covered the 2020 presidential election, the Democratic Party and former President Trump.

    She was reassigned from covering President Biden’s campaign in November after disclosing her relationship with TJ Ducklo, a spokesperson for the campaign who later became deputy White House press secretary.

    “Remember, kids, if you’re going to suck cock, you might as well suck a useful cock. One that can help you advance your career. Ask Kamala, she knows.”

    • Sean

      You should be a guidance counselor.

    • Derpetologist

      Fun fact: Axios means “I am worthy” in Greek.

      I don’t know how to say “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me” in Greek. I was unable to find a similar phrase in either the Iliad or the Odyssey.

      ***
      King Demaratus, being pestered by someone with a question concerning who the most exemplary Spartan was, answered “He that is least like you.”
      ***

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        Είμαι αρκετά καλός, είμαι αρκετά έξυπνος και το καταλαβαίνω, άνθρωποι σαν κι εμένα!

    • Ted S.

      What are you looking at?
      Teen Vogue, Teen Vogue
      Look around, everywhere you turn is heartache….

    • creech

      ” bringing her expertise and talents ”
      Probably would have been a better trollop at Valley Forge than Nancy and Kamala.

    • creech

      They are already married. This was a Gauleiter Wolf over-reach chicomvirus “do over” and reception.

  25. Derpetologist

    presented without comment – a sitcom about a childless, unmarried 38 year old woman who runs a cafe full of cats

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x_gVBxZNMo

    actual tag line: disappointing her mother since 1982

    • limey

      I think that may be about my ex. I’m not going to click based on that horrifying possibility.

      • Sean

        It’s a crazy woman pretending to be a crazy woman. Safe for you to click.

      • Derpetologist

        You could have left off the word ‘crazy’.

        [ducks]

      • limey

        Oh right, it’s her from the crappy nerd sitcom. I don’t know much about her so nothing personal but those sitcoms aren’t my bag.

    • Sean

      Pass.

    • DEG

      That was painful because she reminded me of a woman I dated for too long.

    • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

      Saw the first episode when the Spousal Unit and I were stupidly bored one night and had it recorded.

      It sucks cosmic ass.

      Although I don’t have any problems with the actress/actor/whatever per se.

      • rhywun

        It follows Hell’s Kitchen so I’m always leaping for the remote to make sure it doesn’t start. The commercials look terrible.

    • slumbrew

      Headline from 2031: “Oregon famine continues due to inability of trucks to deliver food”

      • limey

        Elon’s rocket drones can deliver precisely to any location. Huge costs and environmental issues be damned.

    • Suthenboy

      I would say that is a good thing except once the population of Oregon reaches zero it means all of those pinko idiots will have moved to states like mine. I say we get a constitutional amendment that citizens can only vote in their states of birth. Or maybe we could just get a divorce.

    • Gadfly

      FTA:

      On Thursday, Power said she introduced the bill on behalf of a local trucking company in her district, Titan Freight, which acted as a primary consultant on it.

      According to Power, the company has seen “bottom line savings for their business and better performance from their trucks” from renewable diesel fuels which it hopes the bill will promote. Those fuels, Power said, will not require technological upgrades, nor will the bill ban diesel equipment after 2028.

      I smell BS. Anything that truly produced savings and better performance without requiring equipment upgrades would not need to be mandated.

      • Suthenboy

        ^This^

        Or subsidies and I guarantee those are going to come up sooner rather than later. It’s a scam.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        Cheaper and better means companies would already be doing it, unless you’re the kind of idiot who believes that companies are purposefully out to destroy Gaia.

      • juris imprudent

        They are talking about Oregon politicians you know.

  26. Derpetologist

    welding update

    My first go at overhead welding resulted in a modern art masterpiece. Also a glob of molten metal fell down my collar and burned a hole in my shirt. Meh, gives it character.
    Second time around was better. I like to say it never gets easier; you get better. 10 weeks down, 8 to go, assuming I don’t have to do any remedial work at welding “graduate school”.

    Last class I got to use an acetylene torch to cut metal, which was kind of like using a light saber. It was really funny going hog wild with a grinder. Me like sparky sparky time!

    My metal working theme song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1NNlqCjGcQ

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Molten Metal, burns through two layers of shirts and falls into my waist band and sticks, interesting scar,

    • limey

      I have a permanent scar on my neck from hot slag getting down my collar. I really dislike MMA, which is what has stopped me going the certified welder route. Or maybe I just had shitty instructors. The first instructor left, then there was a couple of temps, one of whom was really good, then the replacement finally showed up and I didn’t take kindly to him because he was full of shit, had zero experience and just got the job because they were desperate to fill the vacancy and he knew someone there, and failed all the demos. When he kept fucking up in front of us all that kind of knocked the wind out of his swagger a little, but he’s still an arrogant prick with dilettante hobbiest level skill. Maybe I’m a prick but I’m very quick to sour on those types. The first guy wasn’t a brilliant instructor but at least he was an excellent, lifelong welder who could run an overhead fillet with his eyes closed. Walts get my back up.

      • limey

        By which I mean, I’m glad that you’re enjoying it. Getter done!

        Ps – Thorr’s Hammer

      • Derpetologist

        We call it stick welding here in ‘murica.

        My instructors all have 30+ years experience and are quick to point out that they have fired many of the instructors at the community colleges.

        This what you get when you pay $10k in cash for a welding course.

      • limey

        From what I can tell, vocational education in the US is lightyears ahead of what we have in the UK.

      • limey

        Ps we also call it stick here but I’m trying to sound perfessional

      • LCDR_Fish

        Just curious – did you finish with the Army (and I missed something) or is this evening training on your own time?

      • Derpetologist

        evening training

      • LCDR_Fish

        Very cool. Definitely a good setup.

    • pistoffnick

      Yep molten metal is hot. I have one of those scars on the top of my foot. The halyard shackle on the catamaran broke. We sailed it in under the jib alone. I ran up to the shop in dripping shorts and wet moccasins. I welded the shackle, but not before I burned my foot.

      The wind was nukin’, man!

    • Suthenboy

      I had a very good acetylene torch and tanks accompanied by all kinds of clamps, magnets, tools…a very good welding set up. It cost a damned fortune but no matter my efforts my welding was shit. I gave the whole lot to my brother. He welds very well, as does my son but my brother has actually used the things whereas my son would not.

      I envy you Derp. I wish I could do that.

  27. pan fried wylie

    The math works out. For just a $12,000 initial investment, you can save $600 per year!

    For, what, 15 useful years?

    I DRIVE ON SUNSHINE, HURRRRRRRRRRRR!

    I hope she dies in a Bolt fire.

    • Gender Traitor

      “And then the car dies, and I walk on sunshine!

      I just felt like linking that ‘cuz it’s Friday evening, I just got paid (after wondering all week if I would,) and I’m drinking wine. WOH-OH!!!

      • pan fried wylie

        Sam Fucken Cooke, over here.

  28. pan fried wylie

    We need a fleet of woodchippers.

    Armada *taps stack of index cards on podium* the correct term is an Armada of Woodchippers. We also would have accepted ‘flotilla’.

    • creech

      Those are nautical terms. Woodchippers go on land, so how about “a blitzkreig of woodchippers?”

      • Gender Traitor

        A preet of woodchippers?

      • Trigger Hippie

        Heh.

      • Surly Knott

        So let it be written, so let it be enshrined as the collective term for woodchippers.
        Kudos!

      • TARDis

        Agreed. Winner.

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        NO.

        Down comments: A reckoning of woodchippers.

        You just know Clint would use that term.

      • hayeksplosives

        Thanks, Beam. I like the implied and totally justified threat implied in the word “reckoning”.

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        Absolutely!

        You rock, lass.

      • juris imprudent

        That is just one exceptionally vociferous and cantakerous chipper.

      • Gadfly

        Blitzkrieg is a tactic. It would be more proper to say a “squad”, “battalion”, “division”, or “army” of woodchippers, depending on the number being mustered into use.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Or regiment if you are on of those weirdos from the Marine Corps. (Or a Ranger or Cavalreymen… Also weirdos)

      • pan fried wylie

        The nautical origins trace back to practice of timber rafting.

    • db

      I think the right term should be a “reduction” of woodchippers.

      No, wait “maceration” of woodchippers!

      • SP

        This gets my vote. That’s great!

  29. Suthenboy

    “…room in my heart for their weird cousins.”

    Uh…no. Octopusii are very smart, social and amusing critters. Squid, also known as calamari, not so much.

    • commodious spittoon

      Octopusii are very smart, social and amusing critters.

      And tasty fried.

      • db

        I ate live octopus once in Mihara, Japan. I felt bad about it. It was also creepy because the tentacle kept moving around in my mouth and it suckered onto the inside of one of my teeth and I had to kind of kill it by chewing and pry it loose with my tongue while keeping up polite conversation.

      • Gadfly

        If it makes you feel any better, if it wasn’t killed directly before your eyes right before you ate it, it was probably not still alive. I’ve heard that fresh octopus can be “reanimated” using sauces that stimulate the nerve systems in the flesh, making the dead octopus twitch and contract it’s muscles, simulating life.

      • db

        Not really, but thanks.

    • hayeksplosives

      I can’t eat an octopus after interacting with them and learning about them.

      I know, I know; pigs are smart and loyal too. But bacon…

      • db

        Yeah i will never eat octopus again after learning how smart they are.

      • EvilSheldon

        Same here. Pigs are kind of assholes (not to mention domesticated, if that matters) but octopi are off the EvilSheldon menu.

      • Urthona

        They’re smart for invertebrates but let’s not overdo it. They had to talk calculus twice.

        They also live about two years.

        Eat away.

      • Gadfly

        Eat away.

        The vast majority of living creatures will become food. It’s nature’s way. I’ve heard that up to 90% of living creatures die by being eaten alive, so killing your food before you start eating it (as humans generally do) is actually a rare courtesy.

      • juris imprudent

        So humans and buzzards eh?

      • Not Adahn

        I tell myself that the delicious ones at Japanese restaurants must be a stupid species. Otherwise, they wouldn’t get caught.

      • pan fried wylie

        Octopi aren’t smart, they just have very sophisticated motor systems.

        Tesla’s driving assists VS self-driving car.

  30. db

    Done skiing for the day, beer time (OK, had a beer at lunch too, but now it’s serious beer time).

    • Ownbestenemy

      db.. i still can’t talk to the realism but I have logged 20 hours (working from home and doing ‘research’) flying a Cessna 152.

      I am sure I can go and fly for real now.

      • db

        One thing i have noticed with flight sims is they generally don’t do a good job of replicating the takeoff experienc (you need lots of right rudder at max power and high AOA) and landing flare.

      • Contrarian P

        I don’t know. When I tried to help my flight training along using X-plane the thing I noticed the most is how much right rudder the thing made me put in even to get the plane moving on the ground, way more than in real life. I’d have my foot to the floor on the rudder pedal, thinking “this isn’t anything like the 172”. With some adjustment it was a little less ridiculous, but still I needed way more input than I did when I flew the real plane. That plus the controls just didn’t respond realistically.

        It also did a terrible job with the sound of the engine. Supposedly there are a couple of mod packages that get the sounds right and make the controls more lifelike, but I gave up pretty quick and haven’t touched the thing for ages.

        Haven’t tried the new Microsoft product. I’d love to be able to do some chair flying at home but unless I can get it pretty realistic I don’t think it’d be too helpful. I’m sure the scenery is nice.

      • Ownbestenemy

        You need lots of right rudder..its hard to get a feel obvisouly without good input controls and the xbox controller works?

      • pan fried wylie

        Neither the xbox or dualshock are big enough for my feet.

  31. Trigger Hippie

    I thought it was A Murder of Woodchippers.

    • Trigger Hippie

      For pfw.

      • hayeksplosives

        A comeuppance of woodchippers.

        A reckoning of woodchippers.

        A justice of woodchippers.

      • db

        A Solomon of woodchippers?

      • Derpetologist

        A fargo of woodchippers consumes one Preet.

      • pan fried wylie

        Do you fuel your car with passengers too?

      • Derpetologist

        40 rods to the hogshead

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        A reckoning of woodchippers.

        Yes. Yeeeessssssssss! I can feel the karma!

  32. The Late P Brooks

    QAnon has been built on moving the goal posts from the start, experts say.

    If by goalposts you mean laser pointer.

    Get it! Get it!

    • hayeksplosives

      Even my cat knows better.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Its QAnon moving the goal posts. Talk about self reflection in need of a mirror.

  33. The Late P Brooks

    My metal working theme song:

    Not THIS?

  34. The Late P Brooks

    A crescendo of woodchippers.

  35. Suthenboy

    Scanning over the comments I have to say…

    My son explained to me what Qanon is. When he finished I asked a question

    “Do you know who the character Q is in the Star Trek series is? He is an all powerful, all knowing guy who is also all bored so he amuses himself by fucking with dumb people. Has it occurred to anyone that the geeks on 4-chan, most of whom appear to be about 100x smarter than the average bear might choose the name ‘Q’ for an anonymous fictional character to fuck with idiots? They have only done this about 100 times and every time idiots take the bait.

    There is no such thing as Qanon. The whole thing, the character, the conspiracy theories, it is all fictional and somewhere several hundred pimply faced boys are laughing themselves to death.

    • Derpetologist

      In the days of yore, a Q clearance (nuclear weapons design) was the highest one you could get. That was the explanation I read.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Q_clearance

      • Suthenboy

        Every word I have heard about the so called ‘insurrection’ have been absurd lies. In fact, everything I have heard since Trump won the nomination have been so over-the-top ridiculous, obvious bullshit that it stuns my mind. At this point I assume everything I hear are lies.
        If I cant see it or touch it, it doesnt exist.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        It still is and cleared nukers aren’t privy to the info Q supposedly knows. It’s patent bullshit.

    • limey

      Like, I’m going to do like a deep dive here, so like, sorry if it gets like kind of intense, you know, and also, like, there’s a trigger warning because this article mentions he who must not be named, but like, I need to speak this truth.

      If you look at Q’s name, which is Q, it’s like the 17th letter of the white supremacist english alphabet. Like, think about that for a second. One. Seven. If you like, put the alphabet in order of like how you used to do it in school so not like on a keyboard, and then you number the letters from like one to twenty-six, that number, seventeen, is the one and the seven which is the initials of the worst white supremacist nazi ever apart from Trump. That’s right. Adolf Gitler.

      Boom! Journalism!

      *figurative mic drop*

      • Contrarian P

        I thought it formed the shape of the soap dish in Hitler’s (and of course Trump’s) shower. I’m so confused.

  36. KromulentKristen

    There’s something smelly by my china cabinet. At first I thought the doge might have taken a dump over there, but there was no dump to be found. Now I think maybe a dead mouse, but the doge has shown no interest in sniffing around there or otherwise any curiosity about the area, which he normally would if a dead animal were involved.

    Bottom line: I think tomorrow I might have to once more into the breech and look under there with for whatever horrors await me.

    • db

      Dead mouse or squirrel in the wall?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Poltergeist, turn off your TV and get the fuck out of there.

      • limey

        Is there a subgenre of poltergeist that just shits in hard-to-reach places?

    • pan fried wylie

      Cuz hey, smells only get better with time.

      • KromulentKristen

        I fixin to be way too drunk to do it tonight. Or maybe I need to be drunk to do it?

      • pan fried wylie

        See, that’s how I’d go about it. I’d say fuck it, tomorrow, then have a few and start getting really angry about that smell…the china probably won’t survive, but neither will the smell.

      • rhywun

        These guys might come in handy.

      • pan fried wylie

        Ive got their pepper grinder, first result on amazon that wasn’t co-axial-grind design, and it sure does the trick. Easy on the wrist and actually adjusts from actually coarse to actually fine.

        Those do look like some highly functional clips…but what about my super cute ladybug clips that aren’t so great at the clipping job?

      • rhywun

        They just need to clip your nose shut.

      • pan fried wylie

        So, not for posting whatever I find as the source of the smell to the front of the china cabinet?

    • limey

      I snuck some surstromming into your drywall.

      • KromulentKristen

        BAHAHAHAHAAAA!

    • Old Man With Candy

      I was wondering what happened to that piece of fried chicken.

      • pan fried wylie

        Also, dead mice.

  37. The Late P Brooks

    i still can’t talk to the realism but I have logged 20 hours (working from home and doing ‘research’) flying a Cessna 152.

    I am sure I can go and fly for real now.

    Like this?

  38. Muzzled Woodchipper

    Her swift confirmation by the Senate, which at the time was controlled by Trump’s fellow Republicans but is now led by the Democrats, moved the court further to the right and deprived Biden of an opportunity to replace Ginsburg with a liberal successor.

    What a crock of shit. Trump didn’t deprive Biden a goddamn thing. It was Trump’s right as a sitting president to nominate a justice, and the Senate’s right to confirm her. What a goddamn dishonest fucking hack.

    https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-court-barrett-idINKBN2AW2AP

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Thank god they rammed her through too, the Supremes are a bunch of mostly feckless pretend nonpoliticos but it’s nice to know there’s a bulwark in case one of the right wing oldsters kicks off.

    • Contrarian P

      They’re still mad about Merrick Garland, which I still don’t understand. It was obvious that the Republican Senate majority really didn’t like Garland and he was a nonstarter, no matter what he said in a hearing. Rather than going back to the drawing board and nominating someone more palatable to the opposite party, the Obama administration decided to try to use him as a political tool to portray the Republicans as unreasonable obstructionists who obviously hated Obama’s appointee because he was selected by a black president and for no other possible reason, like they had with every other objection to any of his policy ideas.

      Trump had every right to nominate someone of his choosing and the Senate had every right to confirm. They also had every right to tell Trump, like they did with Garland, “no, this nominee isn’t any good as far as we’re concerned, come back with someone else”. Barrett was obviously highly qualified and made a fool out of those who tried to torpedo her nomination during the hearing.

      The thing that will deprive Biden of an opportunity to replace any justice is it becoming increasingly clear that he isn’t fit for this job, at which point the democrats will “reluctantly” pressure him to resign or eventually strongarm him out. I’ll still be very surprised if he’s still the CoC in time to think about running again.

  39. Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

    Don’t be evil.
    Don’t do evil.

    If you’re wondering what either of these two statements mean, you’re evil.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Define evil.

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        If you want it defined, you’re evil.

        CHECKMATE!

  40. The Hyperbole

    Craziest shit some lefty nutjob proclaims – This is what they really believe!

    Craziest shit some righty nutjob proclaims – LOL, they’re just trolling.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      When is the last time a policy proposal was straight out of QAnon circles? Even Alex Jones doesn’t take them seriously.

      Nonsense like critical race theory and defund the police have not only been legitimized, they have been enacted.

      There is a qualative difference.

      • The Hyperbole

        Sure, but that doesn’t mean that the nutjobs on one side are any less sincere than the nutjobs on the other side, which was my (apparently) poorly expressed point.

  41. pan fried wylie

    Can Maple Sugar be subbed in for brown sugar at a 1:1 ratio?

    Also, does maple pair well with raisins?

    I bought some maple products from l0b0t’s maple farming friends and am thinking about how to use it.

    I got a bag of maple sugar last week, to try replicating dunkin’s maplepepper bacon. I found it insufficiently maple-y to the task, though it was much easier to apply than syrup as I suspected. Remainder of the dish I spilled out for my misenplace ended up in my coffee…if anything it may not be ‘brown’ ENOUGH for your purposes. Just a nice, very-fine Light Brown sugar.

    Have you considered, you know, just tasting your ingredients?

    Nothing pairs well with raisins. Throw them out.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m not concerned about the hue of cookies generated. And I have liquid maple syrup if I need more.

      I ask people in case someone has tried it. And your wrongness about raisins makes me not fully trust your opinion there.

      • pan fried wylie

        I’m just being mean to raisins due to a foul mood. But keep them out of my fucking salad.

        Hue? I mentioned “Light Brown” sugar as, like, the density. For 1:1 ratio purposes, I’d treat it like that product in recipes. “Dark Brown”, eh…

        Or use a recipe that measures by weight and don’t worry about it.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m baking cookies, man, the raisins won’t get in your salad.

        And I’m starting from my existing recipes, which are volumetric because scales are more of a pain than they’re worth.

      • egould310

        Scales for baking, though.

      • pan fried wylie

        Yeah, but he’s baking cookies, so…oh, wait.

      • pan fried wylie

        And I’m starting from my existing recipes, which are volumetric because I DONT CARE ABOUT CONSISTENT RESULTS.

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        ^^THIS.

        Weighing my baking ingredients changed my life.

        For the better. (Just thought I’d make that clear.)

      • UnCivilServant

        Keep telling yourself that.

      • UnCivilServant

        The results are consistant.

      • pan fried wylie

        like your spelling? 😛

      • UnCivilServant

        I never claimed to spel gud.

  42. pan fried wylie

    I thought “supercomputer” just meant over 1 GHz. So every computer now.

    the measure you’re thinking of, used in the Mac G4 marketing campaign, was the gigaflop or billions of floating point operations per second.

    Which is probably an even more complete share of every computer now. (some shit runs at clock speeds under 1gHz, but cranks out way more than 1gFLOP, gfx chips for example).

    • pan fried wylie

      Or was it a TFLOP on the G4? I refuse to look up a 20yr old Mac.

      • Rat on a train

        The UNIVAC could only perform about 2 KOPS, so just about everything is a supercomputer now.