Study Finds that Black Keys Less Likely to be Played than White Keys

by | Mar 1, 2021 | Satire | 232 comments

PITTSBURGH – Although black keys account for over a third of the keys on pianos, they are played less often than white keys according to a new study. Al Sharpton was quick to call for Affirmative Composing in order to increase the number of sharp and flat notes being played. Others, such as Ta-Nehisi Coates, have called for piano pieces to be re-written such that black keys are played as often as white keys.

Other prominent Democrats also weighed in. In a rally that boasted a crowd in the double digits, President Joe Biden said that “black keys are just as smart as white keys.” Biden also promised to appoint a member of Black Keys Matter to a senior cabinet position. Pete Buttigieg suggested painting the white keys black and vice versa. This was condemned by Jesse Jackson for “perpetuating the hateful legacy of blackface.”

Leading Hollywood composer Hans Zimmer has promised to only use black keys in future scores, a move which was lauded by the NAACP. Across the nation, many pianos have been vandalized by Antifa mobs who were unable to find statues of Confederates.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

232 Comments

  1. westernsloper

    Not in my house.

    • KromulentKristen

      Yep. There it is.

      • slumbrew

        The commercial makes me grin every time.

        I am the target demo, apparently.

      • rhywun

        Sprinkles!

      • Ted S.

        Certainly you weren’t suggesting it was irrelevant, were you?

      • KromulentKristen

        Quite the opposite, kemosabe

  2. UnCivilServant

    Joe Biden said that “black keys are just as smart as white keys.”

    I’d have gone with “Just as sharp”.

    • commodious spittoon

      On the one hand it would have made for a better joke. On the other hand it’s too clever even for pretend Biden.

    • Homple

      That one fell flat.

    • The Other Kevin

      These bass jokes are going to get us in treble with Swiss.

      • Hank

        The pun assault has begun, retreat to Fort Issimo.

      • DEG

        Dammit. Beat me to it.

      • The Other Kevin

        The rest of the staff won’t be pleased either.

      • db

        They will likely act in unison and we’ll be lucky not to be cleft in two.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        On a scale of 1-10, I’d say this one is minor.

      • Ozymandias

        You guys are all so tone-deaf… it’s treble.

      • Gender Traitor

        We will, but he’ll make it look accidental…

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        And report us to the security staff. He was a major, after all.

  3. rhywun

    This guy on Tucker has the worse hairpiece I’ve ever seen.

  4. westernsloper

    We are all left wondering what Johanna Gambolputty thinks of this.

    • rhywun

      She went black, and never came back.

  5. Ted S.

    Pete Buttigieg suggested painting the white keys black and vice versa.

    It’s been done

  6. The Bearded Hobbit

    Tundra (from dead thread)

    Try books from Hunter S. Thompson or Donald E. Westlake. Two of my favorite humor writers.

    • dbleagle

      Classic PJ O’Rourke is a fun read as well.

      But for HST I recommend his earlier books before he got way burned out. Either “Fear and Loathing” (Las Vegas or Campaign Trail ’72) are classics along with his earlier collected works like “The Great Shark Hunt” which has multiple fantastic pieces. When he was on the top of his game he was both trenchant and funny.

      Bill Bryson’s “A Walk in the Woods” is a hilarious anti-adventure classic.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        Classic PJ O’Rourke is a fun read as well.

        Agree. Haven’t had a chance to read his books but used to love his articles in Playboy and National Lampoon.

      • Fourscore

        I’ve read 3-4 of P.J.’s stuff, all good but I though the earlier ones were better.

      • Hank

        We’ve found a member of that elusive species, guys who read Playboy for the articles.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        It’s not that he reads Playboy, but the pages were stuck together so this is what he got.

      • The Bearded Hobbit

        Mrs. Hobbit puts the Bunnies to shame so the articles were all I had left.

        Seriously, though, there was some good writing in the classic Playboy era.

      • slumbrew

        A Parliament of Whores did more to push me to libertarianism (anti-statism, really) than any other book.

      • slumbrew

        And now I’m re-reading it.

        “… giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.”

        That’s just from the introduction.

      • Tulip

        I can’t remember f he ever actually finished.

      • Animal

        Patrick McManus. One of my earliest literary inspirations.

      • zwak

        HST’s Hells Angels is not funny. Great Shark Hunt is pretty funny.

    • R C Dean

      Terry Pratchett, Discworld.

      If you are unfamiliar, start with the Night Watch books.

      • Tundra

        I own most of them.

        Spectacular.

      • dbleagle

        I concur with this statement.

    • Tundra

      Dig them both. Westlake is amazing.

      • Ozymandias

        I always loved Dave Barry. At his best, he is side-splittingly hilarious. Truly.
        To show what a neanderthal I am, I think Rick Reilly has written some hysterical pieces. His “Life of Reilly” column in SI had some great pieces: because I have the same personal experience, I can say with 100% accuracy that there has been no better description of what it is like to fly in the back of an F-14 Tomcat jet than anyone has ever written. (Yes, I’ve done it. No humble brag, just very lucky as a midshipman not too long after Top Gun. His description can’t be beat.)

      • Gender Traitor

        I’ve always been fond of Dave’s “Year in Review.” A particular favorite was 2008’s, which included this gem:

        In presidential politics, the increasingly bitter fight for the Democratic nomination intensifies when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton hold a televised debate, moderated by PBS anchor Jim Lehrer, that consists entirely of spitting.

      • creech

        Dave Barry was a colleague of TOS’ Sheldon Richman way back in the day when they were newspaper reporters in small town Penna.
        and reportedly picked up his libertarian bent from Shel.

    • Gender Traitor

      I’ve plugged these before – an entire (and ongoing) series of humorous novels: The Chronicles of St. Mary’s by Jodi Taylor, starting with Just One Damned Thing After Another. Humor (or, because it’s British, “humour,”) history, adventure, don’t-call-it-time-travel-but-it’s-really-time-travel, and occasional heartbreak. I MUCH prefer them to what I’ve read of Connie Willis’s works with a similar premise. When I first discovered these, I devoured them until I was caught up, and I still eagerly await each new release.

  7. blackjack

    Just back from Sonoma. Best line of the trip, my kid after being in SF for about 5 minutes: “Can we go back? I’ve been here just a few minutes and I’ve already seen 4 freakshows. Why does that guy have lipstick on? How come everyone is from China? Can we just go? This is freaking me out!”

    • rhywun

      I like the freakshows and the Orientals. I don’t like the bums shitting in the streets or the pols with their boots on my neck.

      • KromulentKristen

        ^^This

      • blackjack

        I know. He’s eight. Oddly, masks were universal, except for me. My wife kept walking away from me because she was embarrassed. A chaotic place like that and they all had face panties on. Crazy! Columbus street was about 50% closed empty buildings. Took about 45 minutes to find a table anywhere. Of course it was great food once we did.

      • blackjack

        Had to side step turds about three times. Gotta remember to look down while you walk.

      • rhywun

        I wouldn’t even attempt to find a table in NYC right now. It’s shut tight almost as bad as high panicterror from late last winter.

  8. Fourscore

    Excellent, Derpie, another 4 bagger.

    I’m thinking that all keys should be beige and equal, it’s the only way to achieve a level playing field and avoid discrimination. Should be more of them, too.

    • R C Dean

      Agreed.

      Although, does anyone really need 88 keys?

      • Tulip

        60 is enough, same as that assholes childhood

      • Tulip

        Referring to a harpsichord

      • dbleagle

        Come on now, don’t be womxn.

        WTF is that about? Wimmin was already taken in the 1970’s so I guess “X” becomes the new anti- men. How about blxcks next?

        I know a Spaniard I sail against. Luckily he thinks latinx is as stupid as do so he just laughs at “Hola amigx.”

      • blackjack

        I thought it meant a Mexican chick that collects alimony.

      • rhywun

        We should look to the Turks for perfect gender harmony because their language is largely gender-neutral and so therefore it is a paradise for womyn there.

      • blackjack

        The cartels? Those guys can never get enough.

  9. mikey

    Stop giving them ideas Derpy!

  10. Shpip

    This tale certainly struck a chord with me.

  11. blackjack

    So, I went to see my niece. My nephew is a drug addict. Apparently, he OD’d last week and fucked himself all up. Stayed passed out on some concrete for about 8-10 hours and got “compartment syndrome.” Serious stuff. It causes a form of necrosis at the squished parts and then causes kidney failure. It happens to “found down” OD’s. Seems very rare and ultra serious. He’s getting surgeries and dialysis every day for the next few weeks in the hospital. Fucking kid is about 30. He has the worst attitude coupled with the worst luck. I’m hoping this pops him out of his hope-to-die mentality without damaging him too much. They say amputations are not uncommon. Poor kid. Put a cloud over the trip too. I had never heard of such a thing, and I have experience with heavy drug addicts.

    • Tulip

      So sorry

    • pistoffnick

      Yikes!

    • rhywun

      Yikes, never heard of that one either. Kids, drugs are bad well, not something to mess around with without careful consideration.

    • blackjack

      It seems like it has to be the perfect dose. Not enough to kill you, and just enough to make you like a sack of dead weight for a long period of time. I just hope he comes out of this ready to stop fucking around. He’s been in self destruct mode for his whole life. I hope he keeps all his parts and gains a desire to get out of his spiral. Thanks everyone, btw.

      • hayeksplosives

        Man, sorry to hear that. I hope he does some soul searching when he pops out of it, finds out whatever has driven him to abuse drugs in the first place.

        Youth truly is wasted on the young. But there’s no way for oldies to share that perspective with them. Everyone has to have their own screwups; some are milder and earlier than others.

        Good luck to him and the rest of the family.

      • straffinrun

        Hopefully this experience knocks some sense into him.

    • Playa Manhattan

      In the interest of harm reduction, does he have a place to pass out that isn’t on concrete?

      • blackjack

        Too late. He’s got fucked up arms and legs. They cut them open and scrape all the gunk out. They gotta keep doing that for the next few weeks. It’s like he gambled 10 bucks and lost 10,000. Poor kid.

    • Contrarian P

      If he truly has compartment syndrome from compression he’s in seriously deep shit regards the affected extremity. Sorry to hear that.

    • rhywun

      gingersnap cookie crumbs

      ?

      I don’t like raisins in my Sauerbraten but this recipe seems enough like sorcery that it just might work.

      • Tulip

        This will be a first try. I’ll report back.

      • Tulip

        Gingersnaps are common in sauerbraten recipes

      • pistoffnick

        “I don’t like raisins…”

        There are no redeeming qualities to raisins. Why would you take a perfectly good grape and spoil it?

        I also don’t like raisins. It’s a small list of things I don’t like: sea cucumber, fish eyeballs, raisins, cashews, five-spice cow stomach,..

        I’m sure there are a few more

      • mikey

        Cashews? You do have problems.

      • rhywun

        cashews

        ?

        No accounting for taste.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Show us on the doll where Will Vinson’s creations touched you.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I’m thinking minced ginger and bread crumbs might substitute.

      • Tulip

        If you want to go that route, you should also add cloves, cinnamon and a little brown sugar or molasses.

      • rhywun

        I guess but my favorite Sauerbraten doesn’t have ginger at all. Red wine and sugar, yes.

        But yeah, for a weekday dish I would find crushing ginger snaps easier than mincing ginger.

      • Tulip

        No vinegar?

      • rhywun

        Oh definitely

        I don’t cook it, I’m just reading the ingredients on the package 🙂

      • Gustave Lytton

        I don’t have snaps on hand. Do have ginger and other precursors.

    • straffinrun

      Pics. I’m sick of making burgers and spaghetti, too.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Looks good..now i want to make swedish meatballs tomorrow night.

      • dbleagle

        There is a good Eyetalon recipe for meatballs with garlic and parmesan in them. After they are browned in olive oil and shallot you finish cooking in a mixture of balsamic vinegar adding cream near the end. Serve over egg noodles. It tastes great. WARNING: if somebody walks in the smell might knock them back a step or two.

  12. Ozymandias

    Derpy, when I read this, I was like… “Daammmmnnn, Derpy’s into some Bee-like territory with that one.” Great conceit.
    And by the way… I haz a big disappoint that no one linked to this. Starts to get good at 1:50 or so. The truly funny stuff is at 3 and change. “You are blind as a bat, and… I have sight!”

    • KromulentKristen

      If the Bee comes up with something like this, we’ll know fo sho there’s a mole

    • Chafed

      That skit was great. No way it would get on the air today.

      • slumbrew

        When Piscopo was was funny…

      • slumbrew

        “side-by-side you are my amigo, negro”

        JFC, I had forgotten that was the next line.

        Everyone involved would be canceled now.

  13. straffinrun

    Nice. Ebony and Ivory, live together in racial hierarchy.

    • db

      You are blind as a bat and I have sight

      • hayeksplosives

        LOL.

      • straffinrun

        Evidently we both scrolled past Ozy.

      • db

        Yep I guess so

  14. hayeksplosives

    When derp makes more sense than what is churned out of top universities as the highest output of intellectual demigods, we are in real trouble.

    This one is at least highly entertaining.

    The solution that the school with white kids “over represented” in the advanced classes would have reacted by pushing the piano into a closet where no keys would be played.

    • hayeksplosives

      I was in one of those “gifted” programs in elementary school, so once a week other kids in the program were bussed in to have an all day extra study.

      It was more work but it was good experience.

      The irony is that special class was where we read Harrison Bergeron.

      Sounds like the lady who wants to cancel the program because of race could have used a good read of that story.

      • blackjack

        I was in one and it kinda pissed me off. Had to ride a short bus. Separate classes, got put in high school at the age of 13. I was happier just being the smartest kid in regular class. Seemed like the school expected me to compete in spelling bees and shit like that. I wanted to get into trouble like the cool kids.

      • limey

        Why a bee? Why not an ant, or a katydid, or a grasshopper?

      • blackjack

        Praying Mantis. Whatever it is, it’s spelled, “OUCH!”

      • C. Anacreon

        I feel like a praying mantis
        I sense her antics
        I can’t help it
        I’ve been too frantic too long

      • hayeksplosives

        The thing you were in sounds way more intense. They didn’t try to get us into academic competition or graduation early. It was just 2nd-6th grade, probably to keep us from getting bored.

        And it did improve my educational experience for the better.

        When we got to high school, we had quiz bowl and “academic contests,” but whether we’d need in the so-called enrichment classes in grade school was irrelevant.

        Academic contests were a bunch of kids piling on a bus to a college campus to take challenging written exams against other cities. There were medals for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. It was a way of colleges to attract top talent in an “open house” type of setting. Pretty cool, no outside studying, no segregation from other kids. You qualified to go if nominated by your teacher in a particular subject.

        Relatively low on the nerd factor.

      • Gender Traitor

        No gifted program – the best my elementary school could offer me, early in sixth grade, was the opportunity to move up to seventh grade so I could be reviled by everyone in TWO grade levels instead of just one. I respectfully declined. (Read: “cried and begged them not to make me do it.”)

      • hayeksplosives

        It does make me wonder why they want to have kids skip grade levels. There are other things to learn in school than the subjects. Social skills, handling disappointment, handling good things, how to tell a good friend from a toxic one, etc.

        One kid in my town (southeast Asian) advanced past everyone and graduated at 13 y.o. He then finished college in 2-3 years. Was accepted into med school before he could drive a car.

        He ended up coming back to town one summer and beating the ever-loving shit out of his dad.

        No idea what happened after that. When I read it in the local rag I was shocked but somehow not totally surprised. Kid’s social life must have been hell.

      • Pope Jimbo

        We had something similar. Tutors for the Talented if I remember correctly.

        It was just some time away to work/think on more advanced stuff. Nothing serious. Like H-E said it was more a reward than anything else.

    • limey

      Unless there was a closet pianist.

      • Hank

        Or a really short pianist, like in the joke about the hard-of-hearing genie.

      • slumbrew

        “Do you really think I’d ask for…”

    • blackjack

      So, they were butt-hurt?

    • rhywun

      China is just fuckin’ with the rest of the world at this point.

      • blackjack

        Yeah, what-what?

      • limey

        Rapey CCP humiliating and subjugating people because FYTW. No honest justification for lockdowns or masks, so of course they weren’t going to stop there.

        I just wanted to say that Tedros is one of the worst people in the world. He often gets left out of the discussion when it comes to the world wu flu pandemicpalooza, but he is 33rd degree CCP fellow traveler and should be treated as a CCP agent.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The sodomization is just the icing on the cake. Unfortunately there is a rational purpose for the anal swabbery, much as it pains me. I think the Chinese are still scared shitless of uncontrolled spread and are just reacting like they were a year ago.

      • Playa Manhattan

        What is the rationale for anal swabbing a respiratory virus?

      • straffinrun

        Maybe someone sneezed while tossing a salad.

      • zwak

        They have special guards for that.

      • Chafed

        Red Guards?

      • slumbrew

        It’s way sexier than just the nose.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Viral matter is excreted through the anus and is detectable in fecal material. I would bet that the Chinese aren’t using it exclusively but as a battery with other testing to try to identify any possible cases.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Oh, they are still swabbing the nasal cavity. Just going at it the long way round.

      • straffinrun

        There always will be rationale. If you don’t draw the line at your anus, where will you draw the line for govt overreach?

      • hayeksplosives

        Neptune?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Oh, it’s not my cup of tea by a long shot. I just think that the Chinese are motivated more by paranoia and reaction rather than intentional humiliation and they don’t care if it’s overreach. Their entire country is government overreach.

      • Chafed

        I’m going with some from column A and some from column B.

      • Gustave Lytton

        With three, you get egg roll.

    • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

      Would they be ok with it if the swabs were made from the panties of schoolgirls?

      • blackjack

        Only if you could buy them in coin-op machines.

    • Brochettaward

      If you don’t want an anal swab up your ass, you just want grandma to die.

      • Gustave Lytton

        This message brought to you by the American College of Gastroenterology and the makers of the purge drink.

  15. Muzzled Woodchipper

    Few things bother me more than watching shows in which the plot is filled with people who use guns professionally, yet somehow don’t know how to hold a fucking pistol properly.

    • Pope Jimbo

      If you have a special pistol just for fucking, are you not really a rapist?

    • hayeksplosives

      You mean, sideways isn’t the right way?

      • Pope Jimbo

        Ha ha! Your reply went to the wrong thread.

        (I’m assuming this response was supposed to be about anal swabbing)

      • hayeksplosives

        No, but that would have been funnier!

        My comment was about those gangstas in movies holding their pistols rotated 90 degrees around the axis of the barrel.

    • Not Adahn

      That was one thing about Bosh that was interesting — the guy garried his 1911 in condition 1.

  16. Pope Jimbo

    Straff!

    You need to start exporting these to the US. With the work at home explosion the States are a prime market.

    Among the many things that have been affected during the pandemic is the amount of person space we have. In some ways, not commuting to the office or school means you have all sorts of space, because your home is your castle, right?

    But in families with multiple members who’re all working or attending classes from home, you might all be sharing the living room for several hours a day. That’s an especially likely scenario in Japan, where homes generally aren’t big enough for a dedicated home office room for just one person. So to help you carve out some personal, private space of your own, Japanese gadget company Thanko is offering the In-Home Secret Base Tent (or Ienaka Himitsu Kichi, as it’s called in Japanese).

    Thanko really seem like it wants you to know that getting boozed up inside your Secret Base is an option, though, and it even recommends cracking open a cold one as soon as you wake up, as shown by this chart’s repeating cycle of “Wake up → drink → be lazy → sleep”

    • straffinrun

      I could set that up in a parking lot. ¥3000/day. Sweet.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Caveat emptor

        I’m going to assume that those dimensions were supposed to be ‘cm’ and not ‘mm’. It would be funny though if the dimensions were correct and they had just used a freaky small person as the model.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        “…in danger of being crushed by a dwarf.”

    • Hank

      “Wake up → drink → be lazy → sleep”

      I don’t recall hearing about this chart during the Japan-panic of the 1980s.

      • Pope Jimbo

        They didn’t have the technology back then to create these private space pods. Love pillows hadn’t been invented either.

      • Chafed

        Love pillows?

      • Chafed

        Thanks

  17. hayeksplosives

    I stretched my Achilles heel pretty good whilst hauling my non-petite other half around the house and doubling up on house chores.

    I know the RICE routine (icing right now—ahhhh). But can anyone recommend a good ankle wrap or brace? I’m not going to be doing much more than walking and driving, but walking is a painful challenge at this point.

    TIA.

    • blackjack

      I usually prefer warmth, but that’s just me. I can endorse Aleve wholeheartedly. I get hyped up on Naproxen every other week. Helps way more than those other analgesics.

    • Contrarian P

      Most of the commercially available wraps and braces are similar. They apply compression and restrict movement at the ankle. Although this takes pressure off the ankle, it diminishes the ability of the joint to absorb shocks, sending them up the chain to the knee and hip joints. I’m not sure any of them have ever been shown to outperform any others, but if they help with short term rehab, go for it. I assume you mean the Achilles tendon. Did you actually stretch it or did it just become inflamed? Achilles tendonitis isn’t an unusual thing but it’s tough to treat. Honestly if you can borrow some crutches that fit you from a friend that might be the way to go. Stay off it for a week and use the crutches along with a compression wrap. NSAIDs (like ibuprofen or Naprosyn) have been shown to delay healing a little bit but they do seem to help pain a lot so it’s a balancing act. Definitely keep the thing elevated when you aren’t using it and be very careful with it when getting up in the morning as it tends to tighten up overnight (you sleep with your foot flexed). Hope that helps.

      • hayeksplosives

        Thank you both.

        (Sorry for the delay—I typed my question and then promptly fell asleep.)

        I don’t know if I pulled it or what. It hurts whether I’m using it or not, but worse when I’m using it. Today it’s been giving up sometimes in mid step when I’m pushing off with that foot; just collapses back to the ground. I’m limping pretty significantly.

        I looked up Achilles’ tendon injuries and the first thing listed for “medical conditions that are risk factors” is psoriasis, which I have.

        I will try taking it easy, and I have a phone appointment with my doc Wednesday to see if she wants me to get it imaged or what.

      • Contrarian P

        Not sure if you’re still awake and I’m rarely up for the morning links, so sorry if this misses you.

        If you have no ability to push off with that foot it certainly could indicate an Achilles tendon disruption although those are usually pretty dramatic. There’s a pretty easy test called the Thompson’s test (plenty of diagrams and videos online) that you can use to verify that the tendon is intact. Just squeeze the lower muscle belly of the calf and your foot should flex downward. If it doesn’t you’re either holding it up or you’ve got no tendon. You can also video Kobe Bryant’s Achilles injury which is a pretty classic example of the no Achilles walk.

        After that it’s hard to say. The good news is that in absence of tendon disruption most of these injuries heal up by themselves with time.

  18. Pope Jimbo

    Speaking of music……

    This could easily be me

    “terrible” karaoke singer has been fined by a London council after subjecting his neighbours to loud renditions of Abba and Dolly Parton hits.

    Jason Harvey, 50, triggered 150 complaints with regular parties at his Romford home.

    Harvey was prosecuted by Barking and Dagenham council under the Environmental Protection Act and has been ordered to pay £2,748 in fines plus costs and a victim surcharge.

    And yes, having the “Barking” council fine you is exactly the humiliation I am accustomed to when I attempt to sing. My sister is actually a pretty good singer and I always give her a hard time about how many more singing awards I have collected through the years than she has. Being the petty younger sibling she always has to downplay my accomplishments by pointing out that all my awards are “The Worst Singer…” types.

  19. Brochettaward

    Razorfist: Jon Shaceffer Did Nothing Wrong (a rant)

    It’s been painful to see people on the right bend over backwards to condemn the capital riots and go along with the narrative that they were the worst thing since the Holocaust or slavery. It”s nice to see someone take a fuck you stance to the bullshit trumped up charges being thrown around by the FBI, even if it’s a relatively obscure Youtuber.

    • blackjack

      Those people did not have hall passes. Bad, bad, bad.

  20. Hank

    I can’t say I’ve read, like, every word, but here’s Donald McNeil on how he got fired from the NY Times. The link shows the four parts of his narrative in reverse order.

    https://donaldgmcneiljr1954.medium.com/

    • Brochettaward

      It’s hard to feel for bad for people at the NYT’s who get cancelled.

      • slumbrew

        Agreed, but he’s old enough that I _do_ feel bad. He’s been wished out into the cornfield by some snot-nosed kids and he must be bewildered.

      • Chafed

        Yeah. My understanding is a bit shaky but I think he has been there for decades and is a run of the mill liberal. He didn’t sign up for a progressive purge and was blindsided. Sure, he kept shitty company but he didn’t deserve to be forced out.

      • slumbrew

        He’s 67 years old and had been at the Times for 45 years – i.e., since he was 22. Je’s an antediluvian lefty who thought you can still ask “did he say ‘nigger’ or ‘nigga’?”, because context matters.

        Context no longer matters – he spoke the magic word and was promptly (-ish) shown the door.

        Dean Baquet is a gigantic pussy who thinks the monsters won’t eat him if he keeps feeding them. Ironically, his own phenotypical traits are not protecting him.

      • Chafed

        I’m not going to be sad when Baquet gets eaten by the mob.

      • Hank

        Then he’ll be Dean *Banquet,* am I right?

      • Chafed

        Oof.

    • Hank

      Oops, “voluntary” resignation.

      • Chafed

        Not so voluntary when they are holding your balls.

    • slumbrew

      My wife tuned in for a bit; Mark Ruffalo confirmed he’s the gigantic blowhard I’ve always taken him for.

      Next time, Jason Sudeikis should probably give a minute’s thought to what he’d say if he actually won the award he’s nominated for, instead of rambling on for 10 minutes when he’s surprised by a win. Also, he should wear something nicer than whatever he found on the floor next to his bed.

      • Chafed

        Your wife is stronger than I am. I can’t stand those award shows. A bunch of self-congratulating by pretentious blowhards.

        Ruffalo is a jackass. He could not shut during the last election. I don’t ever want to hear from him.

      • hayeksplosives

        I have the same reaction: why watch all these actors/entertainers dress up and congratulate themselves?

        They act like they’re graciously giving a glimpse of done solemn and well-respected ceremony, when really it’s the same as a local furniture dealer’s annual sales award dinner.

        I quit watching years ago. With wokeism invading all corners of public life and seemingly in a race with itself to see how far it can go, I can’t even begin to imagine watching.

        The Ricky Gervais hosting in which he did a brutal takedown of awards shows was the closest I’ve come to actually watching an awards show in a decade.

      • hayeksplosives

        I do enjoy how woke entertainment folks are pretending to care about equality and proper representation: needs more PoC! Needs to use an actor who’s on the spectrum (the actual gripe with “Atypical”, a series about a kid with autism)! Needs moar gay actors, not actors pretending to be gay. Don’t get me started about “My Left Foot.”

        I for one am outraged that all the roles for murder victims go to living actors. They should be shot, poisoned, etc as the role requires. Otherwise they’re just pretending to be dead.

        Heaven forefend that actors pretend things in order to tell a story!

    • westernsloper

      And under the bus he goes. Funny, the whole policy leading to the probable unnecessary deaths of who knows how many seniors is not the thing that took the shine off that turd, it was talking dirty to female staffers and making unwanted advances. Something something priorities.
      *not that I am excusing the accused behavior, just ya know, nobody fucking died*

      • UnCivilServant

        There are almost certainly people privately praising this timely distraction from the dead grandma problem.

      • Hank

        Is Cuomo a threat to other Dems or something?

      • Gender Traitor

        Potential competition in 2024?

      • Not Adahn

        I can’t imagine that he’s not universally loathed by anyone who’s met/worked with him.

  21. Sean

    *sigh*

    Time to get ready for work.

    • UnCivilServant

      I almost had to call in disconnected.

      My internet was unresponsive this morning.

      • westernsloper

        Isn’t this where you should ask for the score of the Cal game?

      • Gender Traitor

        Today could be….interesting if our payroll processor’s website isn’t back up and running. Happily, I’ve printed off the details of everyone’s hours from last pay period, so if the site’s still down – or even if the timekeeping site is down (perish the thought) – I can give them what they’d need to figure out our pay.

      • UnCivilServant

        Your payroll processor might be in breach of contract if they can’t provide a mechanism to process it on time. I’m guessing they have a manual process you’re alluding to.

      • Gender Traitor

        Heck, as long as our phones work, I could read down the list – “Person A has 64 regular hours, 8 Holiday hours…” And as a financial institution, even if for some reason the processor couldn’t do the direct deposit, as long as someone there could do the tax and other withholding/deduction math, we could get everyone paid even if it had to be with green foldy money.

  22. Tres Cool

    suh’ fam?

    nigga Im faded, yo

    • Tres Cool

      * in the event you thought “kinda racist for this hour, Tres” its in reference to a little ditty by Tyga

    • Gender Traitor

      Mornin’, homey.

      • Tres Cool

        suh’ pimp

        Leftover Donato’s for breakfast-supper !

      • Gender Traitor

        We did Oinkadoodlemoo for dinner. Never any leftovers! Little Black Cat likes pulled pork.

      • Sean

        Who doesn’t like pulled pork?

        *Homer drool*

    • Tejicano

      Welcome to my evening.

      • Tres Cool

        My clock is 12-hours opposite from the “normies” due to 3rd shift. Im in the same group as Festus, l0b0t, and you people.

      • Tejicano

        I’ve noticed you pop in during that last little flurry of posts before the morning links drop. This is just before I get pulled away for bedtime stories and other evening daddy tasks.

      • Tres Cool

        Yeah, 6 am is my 1700h.

        TALL CANS !

        wait…people here pay attention to me? You like me! You really, really, like me !

      • Don escaped Cancun

        Walking out of the job after a third shift is fabulous: the ozone load of a dewy morning, the satisfaction of being done, the freedom of the moment, the happy fact that almost all the bums and criminals are asleep on their momma’s couch, that only decent and hard-working people are out and about.

  23. UnCivilServant

    GT – I’m sorry if my email got a little ranty. I don’t suspect it’s a topic that would offend. I just got worked up because of unrelated things and vented on the least significant thing.

    • Gender Traitor

      You’re fine. I concur with you (and have replied to that effect.)

      • Tres Cool

        He wasnt wearing his ranting gloves.

  24. Festus

    GOOD morning fellow shut-ins!

    • Tres Cool

      how’s she goin’ eh

      • Festus

        Just got a big, steaming pile dumped on my lap from the new Corporate Compliance officer that is going to force me back to seven days a week for the next month. Other than that, not too bad. How’s you?

      • Tres Cool

        Canada- worker’s paradise!

        After puttin’ the drain on my main vein (IYKWIMAITTYD), Im on TallCans™ #3
        Cans dont have twist-offs eh

      • Festus

        They seem to go through two or three of theses eager-beavers per year. Desk jockeys that don’t understand the reality of the situation. They burn out quickly but make my working life hell. The latest one is a real peach.

      • Not Adahn

        How does overtime work north of the wall? When I was working at Freescale, everything over 60 was double time, which was lawyer’s wages.

      • Festus

        If you thought that “twist-offs” rocked our world, you should have seen the end of the Stubbie!

      • Tres Cool

        You hoseheads still buy milk in bags eh

        though my Canuckistanii friend from TO introduced me to the word “mickey”- 375ml bottle of liquor
        Which Id call a half-pint

      • Festus

        That an Easterling convention *spits* Milk in a bag was a flash in the pan out here in God’s Country.

      • Festus

        I’m pretty sure that “mickey” refers to the fact that it fits in an upper pocket of a suit jacket.

      • Tundra

        Mornin’ all!

      • Tres Cool

        /hockey-stops @

  25. Rat on a train

    Others, such as Ta-Nehisi Coates, have called for piano pieces to be re-written such that black keys are played as often as white keys.

    John Cage already wrote a piece that treats black and white keys equally.

    • Festus

      Isn’t anything more than about 13% Black kinda racist? What about all those other colors on the keyboard?

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      John Cage looked at all the people staring at modern art and pretending to understand it and said “Hold my beer.”