Dick Slashballs Adventure Hour 1: Pronoun Dare Call It Murder

by | May 25, 2021 | Fiction, Fun, Guns | 250 comments

Dick Slashballs crouched at the ledge of the roof, gazing through the optic at the door his target would be exiting soon, one block and twenty stories below. A glance at the flag in front of the building a few doors down told him what he needed to know. Behind him, he could hear the faint whine of a turbine engine, slowly getting louder, confirming his extraction team was in position.

A single limousine pulled up to the curb, and Dick saw the doorman move to open the entrance, but on the wrong side this time. The intelligence had been that all the observed staff were right handed, but this guy was a southpaw. No real matter, but it did shorten the time Dick had to do the job. As a professional, Slashballs was prepared for these eventualities. Usually.

The car shifted as the chauffeur got out and walked around to open the rear passenger door. As he moved, Dick gauged the space available between where the open doors would be–about ten feet; for the target’s expected stride, probably five walking paces, maybe three exposed. The target would present at an oblique angle to the line of sight while walking, and would be behind the car door while entering, so it wasn’t ideal, but Dick had taken harder shots before, and it was imperative that he get this one right. A chirp of tires somewhere caught the chauffeur’s attention, distracting him as he reached for the car door and missed the handle.

The doorman was opening the door now, and the target stepped into view, her short coat making her seem taller than the diminutive height listed in the profile Dick had read earlier in the afternoon. She walked a little more quickly than Dick expected, probably due to the cold, but stopped when she saw the driver fumble the door handle. The chevron in the scope settled to the right of her solar plexus, Slashballs compensating for the significant down angle of the shot. His finger moved to take up the first stage of the trigger, then balanced against the nearly two pounds of resistance separating life from death, justice from escape, peace from war.

As the trigger broke, the scene exploded into chaos. The doorman lunged at the target, who was just turning her head to look toward the sound of screaming tires rounding the corner. Out of nowhere, a white panel van with smeary red markings on the side screamed into view as the doorman tackled the target at the same time the heavy subsonic bullet smashed into his back. Around the time he and the woman hit the ground, the muted “clank” of the bullet disintegrating against the plate armor under the doorman’s uniform reached Dick’s ears.

“Oh, for FUCK’S SAKE.” Slashballs watched as the doorman came to his feet with a small pistol in hand, pumped a couple of rounds into the stunned chauffeur, and dragged the target to the panel van.   The van was now speeding toward Dick’s position, before he could even cycle the bolt. No use anyway; the job was the target, not whoever had just snatched her. Not yet, at least. As the van turned sharply down a street out of his view, he heard the extraction team touch down behind him. He sprinted to the quiet little chopper, just a silhouette against the city’s sky glow with its navigation lights extinguished, slinging his rifle. He stepped on to the skid and clipped in his safety line.

Things hadn’t been this fucked up since the time he got partnered with that little shit that wouldn’t shut up about Burkina Faso.

About The Author

db

db

I first became aware of all this during the physical act of love.

250 Comments

  1. slumbrew

    Haven’t even read it yet, just started laughing when I read the title.

    • UnCivilServant

      With a character name like that, I have a hard time taking it seriously.

      • slumbrew

        Callback to a comment about stated pronouns from a couple days ago. “He/him”, “Dick/Balls”

    • slumbrew

      And bravo. Would legit read a 18-book series like this (a modern-day Destroyer).

      • slumbrew

        Maybe we need a new tag: ‘penny dreadful’

      • westernsloper

        I think db has a true knack for story telling and missed his true calling. The paperback spy novels were passed round and round in those secret bases in Burkina Faso where it was reported there were no spy camps to pass books around.

      • db

        You’re too kind, ‘sloper.

      • db

        Thanks! I really appreciate it.

        I wish I had 18 books’ worth of this in my head to write…wait, maybe not.

      • UnCivilServant

        You don’t need all 18 to start with – you just come up with more material over time.

  2. Yusef drives a Kia

    I’ll come back this one,

    • db

      Glad you enjoyed it!

  3. westernsloper

    Awesome db!

  4. blackjack

    This is exactly what I needed after enduring two hours of “implicit bias” training torture.

    • Sensei

      Look, a solid axle spins the wheels the same as an independent suspension.

      But let’s pretend both will work equally well under a sports car and 3/4 ton pickup.

      • blackjack

        I zoned out after the first five minutes. At the part where they explained that “microaggressions” are not small and the word micro means commonplace. Of course, the intro from the sexual harassment apologist Garcetti was rather off-putting too. My supervisor said he was amazed by how intricate the thought processes of humans are after he had the training. I just felt like I was getting nonsensical lectures from retarded children.

      • Sensei

        We are living Idiocracy plus 1984.

      • rhywun

        +1 brave new world

      • Not Adahn

        No soma and no feelies? No orgy-porgy?

      • Festus

        Uhhh, that was already covered in my lived experience of the real 1984…

      • Plinker762

        So your supervisor is at a level below a retard?

      • blackjack

        I leave the conclusions up to the reader, yet offer no argument.

      • westernsloper

        intricate=retarded in some instances.

      • Tejicano

        You truly have my deepest sympathies. It makes me appreciate even more the space I’ve put between myself and my former global-corporate existence.

        ” the word micro means commonplace.” – My reply would have been “Sure it does, thimble-fuk.” I doubt I could choke that one down quietly.

        “My supervisor said he was amazed by how intricate the thought processes of humans are after he had the training.” – I would be so tempted to hand him a hankie and tell him he didn’t quite swallow it all yet.

      • blackjack

        The only reason I didn’t get fired today is because this was video training.

      • UnCivilServant

        I take it you couldn’t just mute the audio and move it to the background?

        /IT Guy privilege.

      • Sensei

        Which is why my videos now stop every three minutes with “review” questions.

        Sigh…

      • blackjack

        Nope. In the office with all the supervisory staff watching and besides, the pause every 10 minutes and ask questions. I realized pretty quickly that it didn’t matter if I answered incorrectly, so I just clicked the first box on every question. Then, they started asking me to type text answers. I typed “nope” in every one of those.

      • blackjack

        Like, “in two or three sentences, explain how you biases affect you work environment” Answer, ” nope.”

      • db

        “My personal biases generally lead me to treat each of my co-workers with the respect they deserve.”

      • rhywun

        In my video trainings, you have to repeat every question until you answer it correctly.

        So far, none of this racist BS thank Y-hw-h.

      • blackjack

        That would just mean you have to start from the top and keep clicking until the green text show up.

      • rhywun

        Yeah, but each time you get it wrong you get a little lecture and have to go back a couple steps before trying again. A real PITA.

      • blackjack

        Luckily, implicit bias training video makers are way less smart than all of that.

  5. DEG

    Things hadn’t been this fucked up since the time he got partnered with that little shit that wouldn’t shut up about Burkina Faso.

    It’s not nice to talk about Agent ‘Sloper like that.

    • westernsloper

      LOL……ok, ok, point taken.

  6. Not Adahn

    Stand aside, Mack Blown.

    • Not Adahn

      BOLAN you stupid autocorrect!

      • Tejicano

        Or alternatively, you could have gone with Max Blown and it would have been a nice twist most of us would have followed.

      • westernsloper

        Max Blown is Dick Slashballs nemesis. That mother fucker owes him money.

      • db

        Already taking notes…

      • westernsloper

        It was a side bet on a New Mexican ran online poker forum. The owner of the forum is insane.

      • westernsloper

        *made on

      • Plinker762

        Mack Boolean would have been more logical.

      • Tejicano

        How would that connect with Dick Slashballs?

      • rhywun

        Embrace the power of “and”. Or not.

    • db

      I’m glad you followed up on that one.

  7. Tejicano

    Crikey Mikey, me likey. Fun read.

    • Chafed

      Definitely fun.

      • Chafed

        I’m imagining Herself got kidnapped by OMWC.

  8. KSuellington

    Ouagadougou, one of my favorite names for a city. Upper Volta ain’t bad for a country either.

    • Count Potato

      Is that the current name?

      • KSuellington

        Upper Volta was the name for Burkina up until the 80’s I believe.

        Good story db, look forward to the rest.

  9. kinnath

    Fun story.

      • Chafed

        Greatest commercial or greatest commercial ever?

    • blackjack

      I thought that Mexi’s gif from the Marte links did that much better.

      • blackjack

        And that’s why you should watch the vid before commenting.

    • westernsloper

      Now I want Carls Jr.

      • db

        Funny how that works, eh?

    • KSuellington

      They are not sending us their hottest women.

  10. blackjack

    On my way home, there was an old guy in a beatup ’90s Frod pickup with a huge banner all the way across the cab. It read, ” ALL ELECTRONIC HARASSMENT WILL BE…” I couldn’t read the last line, but there was a huge outline of a 1911 in bright red next to the big black letters. It was a IRL Hihn moment.

    • blackjack

      Dammit! *Ford and *an IRL Hihn moment.

  11. Fourscore

    If the smallest detail can go wrong ,it will. It’s like a peanut butter sammich always landing face down on the new carpet, after your wife/mother told you ‘a thousand times’ not to eat in the living room.

    You captured the moment, db, I love it when someone else’s plan falls to pieces

    Now I’m waiting for the little chopper to run out of fuel because the kid with the key to the fuel tank was playing with his girl friend and didn’t come back from lunch on time.

    Good show and entirely believable.

    • Tejicano

      So far he’s only assuming it is his extraction chopper he hears….

    • db

      No plan survives contact with the enemy.

      • Ask your doctor if BEAM is right for you

        . . . or anything else, for that matter.

  12. EvilSheldon

    TW: extreme gun nerdery

    “…one block and twenty stories below.” Average city block in the States is between 305 and 323 feet in length, call it 105 yards actual range. Twenty stories up, assuming a commercial building, puts Dick’s hide spot at around 253 feet above ground, call it 85 yards up, for a slant range of ~135 yards.

    At that distance, we’ll assume that Dick is using something like a silenced 300 Blackout bolt gun, loaded with 240grn. Sierra MatchKings going out at 1100fps. Assuming a 100-yard zero, you’ve got about 0.7″ of drop at the true range of 105 yards, and about 6.8″ of drop at the slant range of 135 yards. In other words, if Dick ranged the target from his hide spot, he’d have to hold about six inches low to compensate for the drop angle, or hold on the solar plexus to get a high chest impact.

    So, nicely done! You have passed the EvilSheldon Gun Nut Pedantry Exam! (But being a pro, Dick really should have dialed the drop for the actual range, then held off for the wind…)

    • db

      I actually ran the calcs in QuickTarget Unlimited…

      • EvilSheldon

        Yeah, I realized that once I ran the trajectory in JBM-Ballistics for myself. Even the most dedicated gun fags would have been happy with just being right on hold-over vs. hold-under for a down-angle shot (disappointed glance at Stephen Hunter), but getting the actual hold-under exactly right? That means you actually did the research. Again, nicely done.

      • db

        Thanks, I’m glad it was worth it!

  13. Tulip

    I can totally hear Dick Slashballs voice. This was great db!

  14. Mojeaux

    Ha! What fun!

    • db

      Thanks!

    • Sensei

      Agreed, thx!

      Mojeaux recently found this channel and immediately thought of you.

      https://youtu.be/F-xzWH_VhqQ

      • Mojeaux

        That was…interesting.

        /says the writer whose hero’s idea of seduction is “I want to fuck you, Giselle.”

      • Sensei

        Yup…

        Even in this day most ladies will modestly protest. Don’t want to seem too eager.

      • Mojeaux

        I need to read that novel. Sounds like a typical romance trope to me (except the part about the begging; modern audiences DO. NOT. LIKE.). Pamela is the first recognized modern romance novel with all the recognized tropes, and it was written in 1740 or something.

      • blackjack

        It’s like buying a car, sometimes walking away is the best way to close the deal. Begging never, Never, NEVER works.

      • DrOtto

        I’m fairly convinced most cases recatagorized as date rape started out as giving into begging followed by the inevitable buyer’s remorse.

      • Mojeaux

        In any negotiation, the person who can walk away from the table has the power.

      • Sensei

        Tale of the Genji is considered to be one of the first novels. I’ve never attempted to read even so much as a translation.

        It’s been retold countless times in modern Japanese reinterpretations.

      • rhywun

        LOL, to the point. I like it.

      • Mojeaux

        Heroine approved of his approach.

  15. Tulip

    Love the van with steady red markings. Hmm, where have I seen such a thing.

    • Tulip

      Argh autocorrect. Smeary, not steady

      • blackjack

        ‘Saright, you’re probably just all hyped up on free candy.

    • db

      Tulip wins the Easter Egg Hunt.

      • westernsloper

        Ohhhh, I saw it, I was just not going to be the spoiler.

      • blackjack

        You did say the target was “diminutive.”

      • Shpip

        Max better not pursue the van too far. There might be rusty can lids in his future if he does.

    • blackjack

      Hey kids, if your parents aren’t cool with this cereal, sneak it in the backdoor and hide it in the closet.

      • blackjack

        Can you tell I just had diversity training?

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        I was surprised at how much pride stuff I saw at target tonight. They done gone all in on that shit. Pride baby onesies. Pride uno cards. An inordinate number of greeting cards that are Pride themed. Pride mask section. You name it, they’ve got a rainbow version of it.

        That said, the wokest thing I saw was an anniversary card “for my hot Black partner”

      • Drake

        From Crockett to Tubbs.

      • Mojeaux

        LOL

      • Mojeaux

        These euphemisms…

    • Sensei

      I’m not seeing any diversity of cereal shapes however.

    • rhywun

      I can’t even with this shit.

      • Master JaimeRoberto (royal we/us)

        It’s totally gay.

    • Count Potato

      OFFS!

    • Chafed

      Seems more likely to fill you with diabetes.

  16. Gustave Lytton

    Another redirect to some spam site from clicking on the story link from the main page.

      • Sensei

        Interesting. I have my ad blockers on full. Must be working.

      • trshmnstr the terrible

        On rare occasion, clicking the “next article” button on the sidebar control panel will try to launch some pop-up ad. uBlock catches it every time, but it’s obviously not intentional on SP’s part.

      • Mojeaux

        I get that on my phone sometimes. I think I’ve gotten it on my iPad once.

      • rhywun

        Same here. I’ve never seen this behavior.

    • Sensei

      From the main Glib page? I still have to occasionally refresh manually to get the current page.

      Was thinking of you as my YouTube feed filled up with learn Japanese in an hour videos. Given the amount of hours I’ve put in I should be native. If only…

      • Gustave Lytton

        Schedule your intestine surgery today! Gaijin2Nihonjin will be the next big thing when transgender runs out of steam. It’s time, Dr Takasu!

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Got it too, earlier.

  17. mikey

    Apt for tonight’s diversity traing discusson.
    So glad I’m retired and don’t have to face this stuff.

    “We need a “Resign for Diversity” campaign. White people who believe their profession needs more “diversity” should resign and give up their positions to members of underrepresented groups.”

    https://notthebee.com/article/jordan-peterson-and-others-have-started-a-resign-for-diversity-campaign-where-wokies-can-become-the-quit-in-equity-and-it-made-some-people-mad-

    • blackjack

      I learned today, that even if you want to be open and welcoming to all, you’re still an asshole. You’ll never be fully OK, but you can mitigate the damage your whiteness is causing the world. Oh, and diversity is so last year, now it’s all about equity. Meaning, hiring “marginalized” people ain’t gonna cut it. There needs to be statistical equality. This term will never be defined and, at some point they will fortify the idea to another new goal. Forever, just like the boot on the neck of mankind.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Equality of outcome, not of opportunity.

      • rhywun

        Yep. Pure power play.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Although I should correct myself by noting that equality, even in outcome, isn’t what they want. Grifting, control like you say, and bestowing plunder to loyal followers.

      • Tejicano

        “even if you want to be open and welcoming to all, you’re still an asshole.”

        Oh look! They put a new label on the bottle of “original sin”!

      • egould310

        I’m glad my company ain’t woke. And never will be. I couldn’t deal with that shit.

      • Sean

        I’m the HMFIC, so that shit ain’t coming to my workplace either.

      • creech

        The bottom line is : “To each according to his needs unless you are a productive person. Then your needs don’t count.”

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Creech, you knew Rothbard?

      • creech

        Quite well – from 1969 to 1989.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Wow. Tell us that story sometime.

    • Tejicano

      That would be nice. Then they could hire some people (race unspecified) who have a functioning brain while thinning out the PC deadwood.

    • rhywun

      district leaders know the importance of the land on which its headquarters stands and want to ensure if it ever is up for sale, righting wrongs to the city’s Black population take priority

      OFFS.

      Yeah, this is totally going to do… something.

    • Plinker762

      Albina bends my tube.

  18. SugarFree

    Dick Slashballs is a welcome addition to our literary universe. Good job, db.

    • Festus

      Yes indeed!

  19. Spudalicious

    Great stuff, db! I look forward to future installments.

  20. Gustave Lytton

    Also, can’t wait for the next one. Should be a nightly thing like Johnny Dollar at its height.

  21. commodious spittoon

    40 pages into Infinite Jest, I feel a lot like when I tried reading The Illuminatus! books my brother gifted me at 13. Only I’m twenty years older and a lot more patient, but not quite sure what for.

    • Ask your doctor if BEAM is right for you

      I felt that way after I finished Infinite Jest.

      There’s a few days of my life I’ll never get back . . .

      • commodious spittoon

        I’ve got a regimen in mind, in case I just can’t bring myself to continue reading this novel. I’ll go to the bar and force myself to down three pints while I read. It’s grueling but I think I can force myself through.

      • Mojeaux

        Why do you feel you MUST read this book?

  22. Mojeaux

    So the other night the topic of writing came up. I believe that many, many writers start off writing what they want to read.

    • straffinrun

      I write what my superego won’t allow my id to say in polite company.

      • Q Continuum

        “I never thought this would happen to me…”

      • Chafed

        This guy gets it.

    • db

      I’m not sure I’m capable of writing what I want to read. I can barely outline what I write.

  23. Aloysious

    Loved it, db.

    I’m not sure how to picture him in my head, but I bet he has a large square chin. Like Jay Leno, only more so.

    • Chafed

      Jeebus that was good.

  24. straffinrun

    “Dick Slashballs” rolls off the tongue.

    • Not Adahn

      Yeah, HM or one of the writers can make it explicit, but something about that works perfectly as ahero name.

  25. straffinrun

    4 minutes is not enough time for what I’m doing in the restroom right now.

    • slumbrew

      Is there a shot-clock?

      • Ownbestenemy

        I prefer a funnel that requires constant fluid dynamics to ensure the door remains locked

  26. grrizzly

    Almost no guests wear masks in Biloxi casinos. Most employees wear them but some don’t–maybe they are vaccinated. I wonder if masking is still pushed in Vegas. On Saturday I made the first attempt to visit a museum. It was in Montgomery, AL. Both the Legacy museum and the National Memorial for Peace and Justice didn’t let us in. The latter seems to be completely outdoors. The employees there were astonished when we refused to don masks despite having (free) tickets. Looks like the cultural institutions will be the last mask Nazis standing.

    • Ownbestenemy

      It isnt pushed here. Most places even employees are dropping the masks. Not sure about the strip though cause I don’t go there.

      Fremont street was more of wear if you want vibe though.

  27. egould310

    Watching “ Blue Hawaii”. Kind of corny, but it’s kinda cool. Elvis can croon a tune. Gorgeous photography.

    • Tejicano

      I don’t know anything about the internals of this rifle but I wonder why the ATF is calling it a machinegun? I can only assume that they must have built a rifle that can readily accept full auto parts from some other rifle design.

      It seems to me that this Tommy Tactical company doesn’t know much about gun laws. Pedant point – “SBR” is “Short Barrel Rifle”, not “Barreled”.

      • Tejicano

        I was wondering who authored that document. “Short Barrel Rifle” is the way ATF had always written the term and that is how it is written in the Federal Code as well. “Short Barreled Rifle” is what I generally see uninformed gun fans write it.

        The link doesn’t work for me.

      • Tejicano

        OK, I found their (TBT’s) explanation here: https://www.thefirearmblog.com/blog/2021/02/23/atf-t36-receiver-machine-gun/

        Hm.. sounds like the ATF came down on them for producing a configuration which had the same blocks to prevent assembly with full auto parts as the ATF had approved for the common H&K SL8 conversion to a similar G36 format. Not surprising. ATF likes to shake things up and make it difficult to keep it legal.

      • Gustave Lytton

        It gets better

        https://www.thetruthaboutguns.com/ai-controlled-smart-guns-smart-enough-to-lock-out-unethical-users-video/

        The story goes that ATF agents, armed with a T36, an HK G36 full auto fire control group and other unobtanium full auto G36 parts, and a hammer, were able to modify and force feed the T36 full auto components. Whether they actually got it to fire is another thing, but that apparently was enough for the agency to start bullying Bostic.

      • Tejicano

        Yeah, in the past they have prosecuted an elderly, retired gun enthusiast for possessing a FAL on which the selector could be moved to the “auto” position even though the parts which would make it function at all were neither in the gun nor had it been modified so those parts could be put in it. After thousands of dollars spent to defend himself he was acquitted of all charges.

        The ATF is a bunch of pussies much better at harassing people who are doing their best to follow the ATF’s fickle interpretation of the law – rather than go after dangerous felons and gangbangers who are in flagrant violation of actual written statutes.

      • Gustave Lytton

        But those dangerous felons are dangerous! John Q Elderlypublic isn’t a likely threat to them. Officer safety!

  28. hayeksplosives

    I love the fiction and fictionalized stories here but this is why I can’t sent the link to Glibertarians to all my “on the fence” acquaintances.

    Oh well. Fuck ‘em.

    Good stuff!

    • Tejicano

      “…this is why I can’t sent the link to Glibertarians to all my “on the fence” acquaintances.”

      Because they prefer blades over firearms for assassination?

      • hayeksplosives

        No love for high voltage…

        Sigh.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Just what you see here, pal!

    • Mad Scientist

      Showing a hint of cleavage might lead to dancing!

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Judging by the comments the puritans over at RedState are happy with it. God save us all from the asshole moral busybodies.

    • rhywun

      boys in Speedos

      Sluts.

      • Festus

        Slut-shaming confirmed! In my day we wore the equivalent of Daisy Dukes, which was the style at the time…

      • UnCivilServant

        And people complained about seeing you in them too.

  29. Mad Scientist

    Good work, db. Now I want to know who the target is, who the kidnappers are, why someone wants Dick to kill her, and a thousand other things. From just 7 paragraphs! Great job!

  30. hayeksplosives

    Dick Slashballs is a great name on its own, but knowing it comes from “dick/balls” as a goof on the preferred pronoun idiocy makes it simply fucking brilliant.

    • Sean

      Agreed.

    • db

      I must admit it’s not my original idea to turn it into a proper name. I can’t remember who first did it nor whether it was here or on a zoom.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      What, the free doughnuts and McDonalds fries weren’t enough for them?

    • rhywun

      One lucky winner gets a blood clot!

    • Tres Cool

      Ms. X (the babymama) and I rarely agree on much, but when it comes to the welfare of Tres Ver. 2.0, we’re both on board with “no fuckin way this kid is getting that shot”.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        A good decision, kids don’t need the shot unless they have a serious and relevant preexisting condition.

  31. Tres Cool

    yo whats goody yo

    suh’ fam

    • Gender Traitor

      The Dragons won last night! 😀 AND it didn’t rain – so there! ::sticks out tongue at Tres::

      They won in pretty spectacular fashion, too – they were down 7 to 1 but scored 5 runs in the bottom of the 6th and again in the 7th. And they somehow managed NOT to blow a four-run lead! Woo hoo!

      Most important of all, we were back at the ballpark – “socially distanced” in seating and in the lines for concessions, but no masks required, and no stupid plexiglass barriers. With any luck, even the seat separation will be gone by our next game. (And we’re getting the rest of our games back as of June 8th!) Did my heart good!

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, U! Just replied to your latest e.

      • UnCivilServant

        I got it, and was contemplating.

  32. Yusef drives a Kia

    I decided to ditch work, my back hurts, Wassup Glibbies?

    • Tres Cool

      SMALL CANS!

      (but I got 36 of ’em !)

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Covfefe! but I am going golfing, so TALL CANS for breakfast!
        /Fuck the Back pain…

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Yu. So sorry your back hurts. (Too much disc golf? 😉 ) Hope you have some form of paid time off, but whether or no, hope you’re ready to get back at it ASAP.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Not golf, just a long running issue that comes and goes, but I do have PTO stocked up, so I’m good,

  33. Fourscore

    Mornin’ fellers and ladies (if present)

    Low 40s this morning with a hint of sub freezing for a couple more mornings. Doesn’t bother me, I still have another week of house arrest.

    “Freedom’s just another word”

    • UnCivilServant

      It’s supposed to hit the high 80s here 🙁 Thunderstorms just before dusk.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        83 yesterday, now maybe 63? headed to 65, no rain but a lot of overcast
        Thunderstorms! yay!

      • rhywun

        Punishment for the last two days of nice weather.

      • UnCivilServant

        What nice weather? It’s been too hot for some time now.

      • rhywun

        We had low sixties. ?‍♂️

      • Not Adahn

        Sunday evening when the front came through and it dropped twenty degrees with a nice wind coming off a storm was… nice.

        But we need rain. The strawberries aren’t looking too good.

    • Gender Traitor

      ::startles to attention:: Present!

      It’s 72 and sunny here in SW OH, with a predicted high of 80 and forecast of thunderstorms this afternoon. Apparently won’t last into the evening to put on a light show. Ah, well! We can’t have everything, I suppose. 🙁

      • Tres Cool

        And only 77º tomorrow, followed by 72/65/70.
        I may akshually mow

        Whycome Donatos cant deliver @ this hour ? Im hungry.

      • Gender Traitor

        Hmmm…can you get Bob Evans or Perkins via DoorDash or one of the other delivery outfits?

      • Tres Cool

        Dont tell anyone, but I could totally get behind a sack of White Castle.
        Remember, its supper for me.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        A sack? I thought that was something you used to drown kittens, White Castle comes in a Bag,

      • Tres Cool

        sack o’ sliders, mi amigo

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        So you wear a cap and and drink Pop?
        /Hillbilly confirmed….

      • Gender Traitor

        Yeah – White Castle is much too conveniently located between Chez GT/TT and Lowe’s, so we’ve been known to indulge in a bag o’ sliders from time to time.

        ::total non-foodie confirmed::

      • Tres Cool

        it helps that Im 3/4 into a 6-pack

      • UnCivilServant

        The only white castle around here is in the groecry store freezer section.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Freezer section confirmed, we don’t even have a Wal Mart

      • Tres Cool

        Ive been tempted to try those, but they’re quite spendy. If Im going to waste money, Ill get it delivered fresh-ish. I mean, I would drive there, but read “6-pack” comment above.

      • Festus

        Piker! I’m 3/4s into a 12…

      • Tres Cool

        Im off tonight, so Im catching up ya filthy canuckian

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Festus, never think you can out drink Tres or myself, get real, We are American,

      • Tres Cool

        My liver is so fat & black, it could have starred in “Precious”.

      • Festus

        Your American beer is like water to my palate. Festus is well-versed in the drinking arts, just keep him away from brown liquor.

  34. Stinky Wizzleteats

    “SENATE PREPARING $10 BILLION BAILOUT FUND FOR JEFF BEZOS SPACE FIRM”

    https://theintercept.com/2021/05/25/jeff-bezos-blue-origin-senate-bailout/

    Ah rent seeking, it must be nice to be able to fail with zero consequences. Don’t worry about old Jeff over there, as long as he has political pull and can directly lobby the Senate to the tune of $625K he’ll be fine.

    • Gender Traitor

      “It does not make a lot of sense to me that we would provide billions of dollars to a company owned by the wealthiest guy in America,” Sanders told The Intercept Tuesday.

      Bernie Sanders, Commie curmudgeon but busted clock. Besides – no one needs two kinds of space companies! 🙂

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Correction, they are Orbital Companies, Elon hasn’t left yet and Bezos? I don’t see it happening, like Richard, just toys,
        Elon is going, He is THE ELON!

      • Festus

        It’s true! The harnesses never match and then NASA has to spend 20 years and a trillion bucks on an adaptor.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Notice that Elon’s shit actually works? and his rockets fail during testing, but fly rather well when finished, the rest? Just toys for rich boys,

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Vogon Tech…

      • Tres Cool

        Better than their poetry.

    • rhywun

      “bipartisan support”

      Fucking puke.

      It says a lot that Bernie is the only one who seems to be objecting.

      • Not Adahn

        Gotta stay on the good side of WaPo, donchakno?

      • Festus

        If Bezos bought “Tha Dodjahs” and moved them back to Brooklyn, Bernie would give him a blowey and carte blanche.

  35. Sean

    *grumbles about employees*

    Mornin’ folks.

    • Festus

      *grumbles about employers*

      Same to you!

      • Sean

        I’m a good Obergruppenführer.

      • Festus

        I too was always well-liked by my orphans. I was a good boss when I was a boss.

  36. Cy Esquire

    Anyone esle get some “Grosse Pointe Blank” feels reading that?

    • Cy Esquire

      Also… time has been kind to Minnie Driver!

      • Festus

        Her head shrank with age?

    • Tundra

      Yes. In a good way.

      • Festus

        She always had a great bod, I’ll give her that.

  37. The Late P Brooks

    “SENATE PREPARING $10 BILLION BAILOUT FUND FOR JEFF BEZOS SPACE FIRM”

    Once upon a time, “gentlemen scientists” funded their hobbies from their other, profitable, business enterprises.

    • Festus

      Yes, M’Lord!

  38. Festus

    No Super Blood Moon of the Synched-Up Caterwauling for us here this morning. Just more dreary rain and chilly temps. Wait! Those are one and the same!