The helicopter skimmed along, mere feet above the water, and Dick could just make out the container ship on the horizon ahead. At the last possible moment, the pilot traded airspeed for altitude, popping up above the deck and dropping the modified Little Bird precisely into the empty slot on deck. Dick stepped off the skid and headed for the command container while the pilot started the engine cool-down.
The command was dimly lit, screens along the side wall showing the status of various assets, video feeds, and mission checklists. Locate Target: Check. Position Assets: Check. Neutralize Target: Big Red Fuckin’ X. Not really, but Dick was in a foul mood after the botched hit. The whole flight back, he had run and re-run the scenario over in his head, wondering if he could have got the shot off a little quicker. Certainly after it went to shit, there was little he could have done to salvage the situation. He was authorized for the one kill: the Target, and he had no idea who those crazy fuckers were that snatched her.
“Slashballs! Report!” Dick turned to see the commander, Yeager, following him.
“Target was snatched before I knew what happened, Sir. I got a shot off, but it hit the doorman instead, and he was playing Tin Man to her Dorothy.”
Yeager perched on the edge of the table near the entrance. “Armor, eh?
“Sounded like steel. Hit hard, but at that range, the Blackout’s only carrying five hundred foot-pounds. He got up and capped the chauffeur quick, then dragged her to that crazy van. I think he knew where the shot was going to come from, because he kept himself between me and her the whole time.”
“Protective grab, then?”
“I don’t know, I don’t think that guy was one of the regular doormen the prep team observed. The briefing was, they were all right handed, but he was definitely a lefty, by the way he dragged her and shot that driver. I think one of the doormen’s gone missing. I don’t know who these guys are—no reason to do the driver that I can see, and if they disappeared the doorman too, well, they’re pretty reckless.”
“Reckless, eh?” Yeager took a puff on his cigarette. “Wait, you said the van was ‘crazy.’ What the fuck’s that mean?”
“It had some kind of marking on the side, looked like red spray paint. I didn’t get a chance to see what it was.”
“Well, Slashballs, you’re going to get a chance, because we need that target out of the picture. And if someone else went to the trouble of grabbing her, they’re gonna want her alive, not on ice.”
“Where do we start, then?”
“Where do you start, then, you mean. This was supposed to be an in-and-out job, and we can’t risk any more exposure on this. This is a one-man show now, and you’re one man.”
“Aw— Fuck.”
Yeager hopped to his feet and crossed over to Slashballs, looking slightly up at the bigger man, and poked him, hard, in the chest.
“No use crying about it, Baby Wets-Her-Self! You’ve been on this job long enough, you know the rules. You shit the bed, you get in there and do the laundry.”
“All right, Sir, but what do we have for leads?”
“Leads? The leads we have right now are connecting a van de Graff generator to our fucking seed bags! You’re going back in there to find some better ones! Log’s got a change of clothes for you and a new packet. Get on it, Son!”
“Yes, Sir!”
Dick trotted across the makeshift heliport to the Log container. Looking up, he saw that the false container cover had been pulled in place overhead—no more luxury air travel for him tonight. He knew what the man was doing. The fuck-up wasn’t Dick’s fault, strictly, but getting right back on the horse was going to give him something to do about it. Pros don’t spend time overthinking a failure, but figuring out the next steps. As he stepped into Ops, Ricketts shoved a thick envelope into his hand. “Your cover, Dick. You’re booked in the target hotel, just need to get there and check in.”
Dick riffled through the items in the envelope. Cell phone. A thousand bucks US. Passport—Canadian this time, eh? Evidently, Mr. Wallace Orbis, “Account Executive,” from Edmonton, was in town early for a conference starting next week, probably about GPS guided combine harvester software sales, or some shit. As interesting as that sounded, ol’ Wally wouldn’t be out of place asking questions about some excitement at the hotel earlier, especially if he got checked in while the inevitable police presence was still there. As he grabbed the clothes and the loaded business traveler’s backpack the Logs had laid out for him, he headed to the john to change. Dick checked the wallet for credit cards, driver’s license, grocery points card—all there. Say what you want about these Logistics nerds, thought Dick, they came prepared most of the time.
Ten minutes later, Dick was astride a Vantablack jet ski, motoring along, keeping the speed low to prevent a wake. When he finally hit the wharf, he stripped off his drysuit coverall, stuffed it in the under-seat compartment, and pushed the “go home” button on the little sea horse, watching it motor off on its stealthy way back to the container ship, settling low in the water as it filled its ballast tank.
As he looked around, he felt a bit better now; this was his element, working on his own. Sure he had not been observed, Wallace Orbis walked casually, but quickly, across the shoreside park, and up the hill.
The main characters name is Dick. Hehe.
last name? Slashballs. Taint a better name in the vicinity.
He is known for getting (into and) out of some hairy situations.
Of course. In the right circumstances, he’s a stand up guy.
Unless he’s had too much whisky…
I heard he likes to do pushups until it makes him puke.
More! more!
I am enjoying this ride.
Very much so.
“It had some kind of marking on the side, looked like red spray paint. I didn’t get a chance to see what it was.”
My wild guess is that it said “FREE CANDY!”
Dick checked the wallet for credit cards, driver’s license, grocery points card—all there.
Nice touch.
Green stamps?
Heh I remember collecting stamps at the record store. And of course the grocery store.
You don’t have the chain store cards where you have to enter your tracking information to get the deals at the store there?
I just use the phone number. Lot’s of jokes when hot chicks would ask for it in the early days.
Heh for some reason the hot guy I keep giving my number to doesn’t call me back.
I was talking about the 80s.
Of course we have cards now. And I just get the card from the cashier and never fill in any information and it works forever.
Blue chip.
Dick Slashballs gets milfed?
I am beat! All the hiking and skating on Sunday, can’t take any NSAIDs, and then today we went to Universal Studios. It was mostly a bust. Mask nazi’s everywhere, bitching about it being under the nose. A couple fo crazy line waiters. This one girl was leaving about twenty feet to the people in front of her, so I would crowd right up behind her and her boyfriend. She was uncomfortable the whole time. Right at the last stretch, she started yelling out to her boyfriend a bunch of bullshit about obeying the stickers. He was holding back for her and she was far up ahead. I laughed a little too loud.
They have the protocols so severe that even at a quarter capacity, it still took over an hour to get on every ride. We only accomplished two rides in just over 5 hours. We have annual passes, so maybe it’ll be OK after the 15th when King Newsom has deemed it safe to act like normal-ish humans again. Then again, maybe not.
Try Florida next time if you can put up with the snakes, alligators, and swarms of elderly.
Going there in July. assuming they let my unvaccinated ass on the plane.
No.
Oh, hell no.
That’s what I said, but they scheduled the wedding then anyway. Gonna try and stay indoors most of the time.
So the bridal party’s just going to be a sweaty wet t-shirt contest?
We can hope.
Python vs. alligator in Florida everglades.
Who you taking?
That’s gotta suck, We are so over it up here, defiance is the rule now, Good Luck in Cali,
Yeah, it pisses me off. They’ve already determined it’s over, they just assigned an arbitrary end date that’s a couple of weeks out. Every employee of the park would bitch about every mask that wasn’t covering a nose. Bullshit.
I don’t have to wear a mask at my desk but I have to wear one to walk to the john.
It’s all such bullshit.
Yep. We have the same rules in our office. At least I, for the time being, have the option of continuing to work remotely. I told my boss I don’t intend to return until masks aren’t required.
Today was my first day back. It was quite instructive. Mostly empty cubes and lots of half-assed compliance with THE RULES.
I will comply on the two trains I have to take to get there and back because they probably have undercover pigs who will put me on the front page if I don’t.
But I can envision sanity returning to smaller environs soon.
/glass half full
Fuckin New Jersey!?!
They replaced the 8-inch high glass dividers in our ridiculous cube farm with three-foot glass dividers in our ridiculous cube farm, but did nothing to enclose the enormous open faces of our three-sided cubes, but still don’t require masks when *sitting* at desks.
It’s ridiculous on so many levels. At least for those of us who have enclosed offices with doors, it makes more logical sense, if logic can be said to apply to any of this at all.
It’s ridiculous there’s not more recognition of the absurdity, at least not more vocal recognition… I’m guessing it’s down to a lot of sunk cost thinking.
Smart people are too embarrassed to recognize and write off their previous belief and behavior. Less perceptive people are cueing off those. Really stupid people still believe.
There were rumors we were getting old-school room-like cubes. Any of you remember those? It was like having your own office.
Go in today. It’s that same damn furniture from three years ago when they had canned me. And I had to call someone to remove all the crap the previous occupant had left untouched for fourteen months.
I am not certain, but I think most of our office furniture is leased, and probably for a longer term than is comfortable.
I think this is going to be what turns the tide in the COVIDfear zones. Just the stupid monotony of having to put it on to go outside your cube and take a leak, or get a muffin, whatever, and people will “forget” they were supposed to wear one.
That, and as soon as a pretty girl decides she wants to show her face, it’s over.
It is clear that 90% if it is people just trying to be good sports, go along to get along, but that is fading fast.
I told my boss the same thing.
He seemed to have no problem with that.
We have to wear them whenever we’re on the grounds, but people are pushing it pretty hard. I keep mine mostly on my chin and raise it if a big shot shows up. They can see what I’m doing and don’t seem to care much.
Everyone is living by lies these days, and too many are OK with it. This is not a good situation.
Story of the last few years.
As ever:
He was talking about Communist propaganda, but it’s an all-purpose observation.
No one wants to be the first person to stop clapping
This is a fun ride. I’m really enjoying this. Dick/Balls gets tossed out as a joke and becomes an action hero. I love the Glibs.
…
https://youtu.be/p9PiqCeLEmM
“Here’s a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.”
I find the use of sexual connotations or innuendo in names to be both juvenile and lame.
“Negligent parents often do not realize the effect their co-dependent behaviors have on the rest of the family. When shepherds of the Church excuse or enable the behavior of a defiant high-profile Catholic, they compound the damage. They discourage earnest Catholics, place stumbling blocks before wavering Catholics, and trivialize the great sacrifices made by many other Catholics to remain in communion.”
https://www.firstthings.com/web-exclusives/2021/06/spiritual-fatherhood-and-eucharistic-coherence
Cmon, man!
Cmon, everybody!
You made me do this.
Whatever. As long as they get absolution before they die it’s all good.
Is this article referring to any “high profile Catholic” in particular?
So, it’s a real dick/balls move.
See you on the other side my friends, Out!
‘night!
Buh-bye! I’m still on the clock. Sheesh.
Same here HE. Our pain is real.
At least today had felt productive.
So there’s that.
Eastern Time is the Greatest Time
Right? I’m two sheets to the wind here.
OTOH, it’s almost bed time. Sigh.
Hang in there, Buddy. Maybe the West Coasters will float this boat after all.
Good night!
connecting a van de Graff generator to our fucking seed bags!
Fitzgerald, that pussy, wishes he could have written prose like this.
Seriously, great stuff, db.
Thanks, I appreciate it. It took me a while to come up with that line.
The Bee:
Watch on Youtube ▶ https://youtu.be/XEX_jD_qhuI
I would guess that the Jan 6th comedians have served more time that all the arsonist/hitmen from all the lefty protests combined. If there’s really no such thing as karma, I hope it can at least make an appearance for this one thing. Please?
Very odd for my Hat and Hair writing, less than a week after the last one went live, I’ve got a good idea what I want to do with the next one. It’s just a matter of if I can actually do it.
Does it involve werewolves? If not, why not?
Twilight fanboi confirmed.
Twilight was primarily about vampires which have been completely feminized. Werewolves are still badass. I own like 10 wolf t-shirts.
I own like 10 wolf t-shirts.
Much is explained.
How many Tom Hardy shirts?
A guy I knew in film school wrote a screenplay about a werewolf cop, my joke was that the sequel would be about a fireman who turned into Dalmatian. I’d watch that.
I’d watch the hell out of that.
btw, do NOT search for “fireman/dalmatian”
LOLsnort
You went to school with Andrew Klaven?
Or maybe the guy who made this? I don’t know. I’m guessing neither, this guy didn’t seem to have success written on him. But maybe the joke is on me and he made a good cash grab.
Klaven’s book wasn’t awful, but he’s much better at political commentary.
I got your new music!
https://youtu.be/q4Lzk1JEuvo
damn
Your MAGA Supreme patroness expects nothing less, CPRM.
Another redirect. Pretty sure I wasn’t on any of the actual movement buttons or a valid link.
So you just clicked on the empty background and it became a redirect link?
Mostly empty. It was in or near the comment entry box but not the submit button.
How much alcohol, and which eye were you looking through?
I got something a few days ago. Every link on Glibs wanted to redirect/pop up some ad. But only on mobile. I don’t know where it came from, but blocking popups and dumping the cache/cookies/etc for Glibs took care of it.
I’ve gotten that a few times too in the past few weeks, also only on mobile (can’t remember if it was Brave or Chrome on iPhone). IIRC it was usually while clicking the Read More link on the main page, but it’s not something that happens consistently.
I can’t believe I’m still in a meeting.
Speak up!, tell them you’re disabled! You’re an alcoholic and you need a drink or you’ll sue them under the ADA.
I’m pretty sure the other Americans on the call have had a few already.
I.e. the smart ones
BTW, I heard that in my head in the Hat’s voice.
I await the royalty check.
Since it happened in my head while I was on a call for work, I think it is you who owe my employer.
Nay, I think I’m now technically a ‘vendor’ and they are now obligated to fulfil the contract.
I can’t believe it’s not butter.
Come on man, experts have debunked the butter hypothesis using a number of computer models, the science is settled.
Wally Orbis from Edmonton?
Shit. How the Hell did you find out my real name?
I’ll try not to post a SMBC comic every day, but he gets a chuckle out of me more often than anyone else:
https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/dilemma-2
There’s nothing wrong with sharing a good joke.
Umm…I don’t get it, does this mean I’m dumb?
Perish the thought, I just have an appreciation of *better* humor.
Huh, huh, dick! Huh-huh, balls!
Steel bars, wrapped all around me
I’ve been your prisoner since the day you found me
I’m bound forever, till the end of time
Steel bars wrapped around this heart of mine
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xd0Xg7Cn0Y
Kinky S&M!
Am I the only one who hears it as “steel balls”?
I can’t hear Michael Bolton.
https://archive.li/PSXqf/ca46e1f30b12a9476af36b1705003bee879ad747.jpg
NSFW.
https://archive.li/7UVGo/baa42363dceeb04b1969ea3b6003e2d6f0accf94.jpg
NSFW.
https://archive.li/TKSoF/57142d10a02148fe04d332a70736265584033023.jpg
NSFW.
https://archive.li/CsP4R/1acc74fc84473c1e8c9640da6d586526cc4f02b4.jpg
NSFW.
Normal proportions!
I will submit mistress.
I’m definitely reading Yeager in the voice of Hunter and Slashballs as Brock Samson. Go Team Venture!
If Shoreleave shows up, I’ll be overjoyed.
From your lips to db’s ears.
Huh-huh, dick.
Huh-huh, balls.
Wait, the smart people are laughing, too. Does that mean it’s still cool for *me* to laugh?
Look, dick meatballs. Dat’s punny. /which one y’all is crayon?
I’ve been getting memos today that it doesn’t make any difference if he virus leaked from a lab. No mention if it makes a difference if he virus was modified for gain of function by a bunch of malicious cuntes to cause a pandemic.
Oh well, at this point, what difference does it make?
What difference, at this point, does it make?
Ask the guy they (US law enforcement on US soil) dragged out of his house for making a silly and ineffective anti-Islamist video and posting it online because it incited the Benghazi debacle.
He might have an opinion on what difference it makes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_3TlrZLpQ0
Shitlord! Take this and repent!
Hank’s Racist Terror!
I had no idea that anyone who could do such a harmless song as “balls to the wall” would do such insensitive dreck as Teutonic Terror.
Here’s something from “The President’s Own” U. S. Marine Band
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7FD9PNpfpo
“I had no idea that anyone who could do such a harmless song as “balls to the wall” would do such insensitive dreck as Teutonic Terror.”
LOL
HOLY MACKEREL! Those REMFs need a rotation or two through the Fleet. Not a one of them looks combat ready.
They toot a mean horn
“wink,wink”
??
Some balls are held for charity
And some for fancy dress
But when they’re held for pleasure
They’re the ones I like the best
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPlqLHcphyw
Gay!
Play something good.
Real.Bon.Scott
This was back when they thought she was straight.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUxsP8ED_cM
You’re scaring me.
Really? What’s scary about it? Or is it me?
You said that Joan was gay and I used to date her, and it’s like a gay chick and … OK, I made that up.
Were you around 17?
16 and a half.
Ooookay, then, let me proceed to the next joke.
Here is something for both of you.
https://youtu.be/2sky1tt8vLA
Where did you see it last?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byDiILrNbM4
Now you’re really scaring me.
Today my wife was cleaning part of the house, and bathrooms and I found her and said ‘I gotta pee’. So she said ‘Use my bathroom, but please don’t make a mess’.
And so I said ‘OK, I’ll do the gay sit down thing’. And she said ‘Well you know European guys…’. And I said ‘European guys are fucking gay pussies’, and she laughed.
So I won, and I didn’t sit down.
Now that was a shitty concert. I had forgotten about it until now.
Now for Arcangelo Corelli’s Concerto Grosso Opus 6, Opus 8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjC0vMIrOAk
And Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRfF7W4El60
Of course I’m getting tired and some of the buttons are starting to look blurry…
Right Said Fred. There’s a time warp! I can’t believe my little neurons were still storing that somewhere.
Yet you mentioned it, and there it came up, complete with a mental recording of the song.
Makes me wonder about memories that we eventually “lose.” Are they gone from our brains or did we just lose the ability to call them up? Like a missing card catalog or leftovers of a fragmented hard drive?
I can’t believe Russian hackers have deprived us of our ability to process (and then purchase and use) affordable beef.
I know they’ve done some evil shit in the past, but now they are trying to separate Americans from our would-be steak.
If Thomas Massie were my neighbor I’d buy a share of one of his beef cattle. No way that computer failure or hacking should come between beef and its consumers.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9640689/Some-shifts-canceled-U-S-Canada-meat-plants-JBS-cyberattack.html
Have I mentioned how much I hate the term “cyber”?
Howdy Glibs, Wednesday already? looks like a Glorious day ahead, except for the work part,
Covfefe!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KcJW_IbPZJg
Wait, what?
my friends are Electric,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzSM3pRtgcM&list=RDQzSM3pRtgcM&index=1
See also: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KEvTfIyOLEk
That was a really cool tune!
Excellent track
Somebody out there wants to drink her bathwater.
I’ll cop to skipping ahead to the hot tub portion.
https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/06/creepy-joe-biden-beelines-young-girls-crowd-speech-tulsa-race-massacre-make-sure-get-ice-cream-video/
Not my president.
They can’t seem to get a leash on him when it comes to young girls. It’s like trying to take Trump’s Twitter account access away.
Biden grew up in the days that politicians kissing babies was a trope and this stuff is mostly a demented hold on to that kind of mindset. I’m not saying it’s not creepy given his past but get back to me when he starts huffing hair and nuzzling again.
Old folks used to say that shit all the time when I was kid. It’s meant to be endearing. “Oh my, how grown up you’ve become!” Pretty vanilla for old sniffin’ Joe.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Vd883NNojI
Teen vs. Bear. SFW. ?
The stupid shit people will do for their
substitute childrenpets. Let me just go over here and smack this bear in the face.With cubs no less. If you have to get involved there that’s what shotguns are for.
Eh, she had the advantage with the bear being off-balance, and she correctly retreated once she made space to gather her charges.
She just needed my trademarked “Bear Chasing Stick”!
Now that I’m sober, I can read the story….
Do it, Dick.
Morning.
Yep it sure is,
Mornin’, Glibs. Such as it is. More brow beating to get jabbed today. So sick of it.
Ugh. It hasn’t happened yet but there are rings around the moon up here. I for-see a change in the weather. Vaccine passports for all!
Good morning, U, Yu, & TARDy!
I am on the verge of no longer doing business with any online vendor who uses UPS Mail “Innovations.” I have two pairs of capri jeans that have been stuck in limbo between UPS and the USPS in Urbancrest, OH, wherever that is (outside Columbus, I suspect?) for the past five days. What makes it worse, as far as I’m concerned, is that I actually PAID for shipping this time, which I usually avoid religiously. ::glowers::
Any shipping that involves the USPS is liable to be a pain in the ass. Your package will eventually show up on your doorstep while still showing it’s in limbo somewhere via the tracking I’d bet.
Of the shipping options, I’ve had the most trouble with DHL, then FedEx. UPS and USPS have been the least bothersome.
UPS has been great in my experience, maybe the USPS experience varies more based on region and locality. FedEx has been OK.
The fedex driver loves to wedge boxes between the storm door and the architecture so that you can’t get the storm door open before moving the box – a problem when I’m inside the house.
“Brown Santa” is great if they don’t get the Feds involved.
Even our regular mail delivery is a PITA. We don’t even have our own dedicated carrier anymore – our route is officially an afterthought, done by whoever finishes their regular route first.
Exactly what I’m fearing will happen – and I specifically wanted to take them on a weekend getaway. Which none of you know anything about.
And none of you know where I live, right?
I work with the people that courier packages. They are not the brightest bulbs in the candelabra. In fact, quite the opposite.
My shipping woes are different. I have something that wants to arrive friday – when I would rather be out of town. I don’t want to leave the box on my steps because that just invites thieves. But I hate derailing my plans over the post office.
These were originally estimated to arrive this past Saturday. Now I get an electronic *shrug*.
Capri Pants? Tell me more! Hopefully you wear them along with a pony-tail stuck through the back of a ball-cap. Now you know my secret buttons to push.
They’re for the cat. 😛
And he’s going to look SOOOOOO CUUUUUUUUTE in them! 😀
I’ve found that the cardboard tube from a roll of toilet paper makes a wonderful peg-leg accessory when slipped over the forepaw. For the times in which kitty must affect a pirate costume.
I’ll not be subjecting my last surviving kitteh to any indignities in the near future. He’s already on meds. Judi and I are watching his health like Karens at a playground when “The Gaijin” shows up to drink beer in the gazebo!
BEST SIMILE EVER!
Thank you!
Hmmm….hair’s about long enough, and the forecast says it’ll be hot this weekend, so I’ll want it off my neck. One of my Dayton Dragons caps or the one I got from TT’s big sister that says “Bad Hair Day”?
“G’Way! ‘Batin’!” Slim chicks in flats is another one.
Flats? Eh – got ’em, but prefer wedges, preferably with a “peep-toe.”
“UUUNNNGGGGHHHH!” 🙂
Mornin’ Festus my boy, UCS, GT, Yusef, and any others I missed.
Summer (temps) arrive today then a couple mid-90s scheduled for the end o’ the week. Climate change but it’s gonna make the fictional corn in my fictional garden grow.
When I saw the handwriting on my garden wall I gave a lot of seeds to my old friend, he came by yesterday and told me the corn, etc is up and there will be enough for both households. I should have thought of this before…
Glad you’re on the mend! We had our first hottish day of the year yesterday. 80 degrees American or so… back to the gloom after today.
Sean and Yusef
You hit a nerve with the Tubeway Army tunes.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GVW8_lvs_vs
That’s actually a pretty solid album. Mind you, it was kind of the opposite of what I listened to when I was 14 but it was good.
The dude is still making albums and touring. I might go see him in November. Can’t be long for this world and I might not get the chance again.
Do it! If they allow you to.